Y2kk Update: Well, that's all folks. That's all she wrote... My second year of university is now officially over... unless of course, I end up failing one of my electrical courses or whatever kind of crap, and end up having to take the whole damn term over again next year, but that's besides the point... The point is, the only thing I actually care about, is her... the girl that I always end up talking about, especially when I wish I wouldn't... and the fact of the matter is simply this, that in the summer, I seriously doubt that she'll ever bother to write...

But first things first, since I missed an update last week thanks to untimely exams, I think I'd better recap some things here and now before moving on to melodramatic, sentimental crap... How'd my exams go? Beats the hell out of me... literally... most of them beat the hell out of me, or so I fear... For Electronics, I already mentioned several weeks ago that I didn't exactly fare very well. I mean, I got ten bloody percent on the mid-term for Christ's sakes, and I don't think I pulled much higher than even that on the final... but thanks to the bell curve and thanks to high lab marks (thanks to my partner of course), hopefully I will manage to pass that course... of course, no matter how I do, it would all be in vain if I don't end up passing Electricity, which has been a course so damn easy for all the damn geniuses in my class that we've never needed to normalize or bell curve or any of that crap... not once... while I was left to simmer in the gutters of being proclaimed as the greatest cheater of them all, one cheater to rule them all, but I digress... Short story short, I felt like I crapped in my pants after that exam was all said and done... thank God of course, that I didn't do it literally... again, I mean... But after realizing how damn hard that exam was, I simply shrugged off the undeniable feeling of failure that I felt, and simply assumed that like it was for Electronics, other people probably didn't fare well either, and a bell curve would pass me at the end of the course when all good things finally come to an end... The problem was, maybe it's because my little circle of elite friends just happen to be the most elite at Electricity or whatever kind of crap, but still... it went beyond them... No matter where I turned, no matter who I asked, everybody I found admitted that the goddam Electricity exam was of all things, easy... Of course that terrorized the hell out of me, and I still have a bad feeling about that exam to this day... I did horribly on it. I got killed on it, and there's no denying it... my only remaining hope now is that the vast majority of the classmates that I did not ask are simply as dumbass as me...

But that's the thing actually... me being a dumbass, or a St.TA Dumb Ox, I mean... my friends? They're turned the tides of... well, Tide, against me, so to speak, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... I call my friends geniuses for a reason: because they are. Whenever in doubt, they still manage to pull off marks ten or twenty or whatever percent above me, no matter how hard I study, no matter how hard I try to think... except... well... of course, to counter my arguments, they simply bring up the fact that I passed programming last term with almost 80%, even though I failed the mid-term... and although of course I was proud of my mark, I wasn't proud of the fact that my friends had finally found a weapon to fight back against my constant bickering and whining... So thank God in a sense I failed my Digital mid-term miserably. After getting 35% on an exam that most of my friends found to be damn easy, I had finally found a way to shut my friends up again so I could retake my fateful post of being the loser of my out-crowd... and that's why... um... that's sort of why I didn't know whether to pout or Pine or Cheer or let slip the tides of Tide when, thanks to some psychotic or Free Tibet or whatever kind of TA, our Digital Exam marks ended up showing on the internet weeks before they were ever supposed to be shown (and disappeared the day after from a stern whipping and lashing, I'm sure)... and, well...

I got 85% on the Digital Exam. I didn't know whether to giggle or wiggle or wrought in fear...Turns out that I got the best out of all my friends. And turns out that now whenever I complain about my Electricity exam or whatever, even though my Digital mark will mean nothing if I don't pass all my courses this term, they just point out that I beat them all on the Digital exam, and that I have nothing to complain about... and dammit, I guess I've taught them the ways of whining all too well... Who's da man? Y2-Yoda's da man! Or, um, nevermind...

I guess I should also mention that I was given a different scare that night when I learned of my Digital exam mark (which will not be my final mark, since when you couple in that lameass 35% I got on the mid-term, I only have about a 70-75% in the course...), started getting real excited about it, and told my friend over MSN Messenger my mark, only to find that... well... to find that he claimed he failed the course... and, well... It turned out in the end that he passed Digital, but nevertheless, I spent an hour or two that night trying to prove to him that he didn't fail the year... I mean, it was the only thing I could do, right? He was one my closest friends here... We had even made a pact over this Digital exam... but you know what was the saddest thing during the night, at least to me?... It was that I found myself to be trying too damn hard to help my friend out, and all for the wrong motives... I was just too damn happy about passing Digital with a killer exam mark, that no matter how hard I tried, I really couldn't feel sorry for my friend, no matter how hard I wanted to... I tried, I really did, because it seems so inhuman not to care... and so I spent the night trying to console him, when really he really didn't even need me to... Or if you want the short story even shorter, I was trying to be his friend not because I was his friend, but because I wished I was a better person, somebody who actually cares about others... if only, to wish upon a star... but I truly did feel like a Pinocchio at times like this...

Especially when my dick gets as long as his nose did, every single time I lie when I get horny to that goddam girl I always talk too much about... Yesterday was my final exam of the year: History... although as far as I was concerned, it wasn't a real exam in my eyes at all... In my opinion, my exams ended Monday, when I left my Discrete Mathematics exam with a decent feeling in the pits of my belly... or actually, it was a mixed bag of cats of a feeling, as I felt pretty confident about the exam, but felt absolutely dismal about what was going on with the girl I talk too much about... I now forget if anything happened between us that day... I do remember wishing her luck, and of course I remember wishing her luck before the Digital exam as well... but that was the extent of our contact, I suppose... it was arms length all the way, with pleasantries here and shallow looks there... It didn't feel real. It didn't even feel like the Matrix, as she wasn't even wearing Carrie-Anne leather suits or anything... I mean it when I say for the past few months or so, every single time the girl I talk too much sees me, she shuns away and pretends like she never laid eyes on me once... as if she didn't even want to know me anymore... and trust me, over time, a thing like that from the only girl you care about right now, can really eat and ebb away at a man's ego... if I have an ego left, that is... I don't even have a goddam eggo in my house, but that's besides the point...

And thus came yesterday, which I considered my day D-Day, my day of reckoning and hand of NOD... because unless I can find an excuse to call her up or e-mail her in the summer for a bloody copywell of coffee or some crap like that, this would be the very last time I would be able to see her for four months, four bloody months, if not longer... So naturally, I wanted to make a lasting impression... until I looked up at the sky and noticed that pathetic fallacy was not exactly on my side... and I know I've said this before (or simply thought it a million times fold), but to me, pathetic fallacy exists... if only to prove to me just how pathetic I really am, as a foreshadowing of stormy roadblocks ahead... for when it rains for me, it pours, and I always know that I'm going to royally screw up something, or even everything I truly care about in that day... And seeing those clouds crackle over my lonesome head yesterday afternoon?... priceless... Mastercard priceless... I knew something would go down, that my hard on would go down hard, and that something would happen that will keep me licking and kicking my assclown of a face over and over and over again for months...

And when I finally made it to the exam room and saw the girl I talk too much about, flaunting and flirting with a parcel of fabio guys, all surrounding her at once, shooting looks like blanks?... I just knew IvanF, the weather mean man, was not wrong again... I waved to her with much hesitation as jealousy got the better of me, and you know what she did?... she didn't even wave... not even like a light wave... she barely even nodded, but she did see that I was there... I mean, how can she miss a loser like me?... and she gave me a gaze of sternness in one eye, and a glare of solemn sorrow in the other... So all I could do was put my stupid hand down and wave e a little nod back, as she simply went back to all the buckets of guys who were strangely twirling their hair at beforehand... We then both walked into the exam room, or at least, she walked in long before I could... I didn't even know that she was gone... Thinking that it was all said and done and that this Oedipal sight, of seeing her throw herself at five guys at once, would be the last memory I ever have of her for the summer, I almost ended up accidentally ramming my head into hers when I didn't notice she was on the floor (not the way I wish she was floored...) as I was setting my bag down for the exam as well... and, well?... I then popped the question... of course, not that question, as even I'm not that smittenly insane... But I simply told her good luck, and asked if she'd like me to e-mail her in the summer sometime, even though I fully remembered all the conversations we had when she fully admitted she ignores the e-mails of the guys she loathes more than she loves... and loves more than loathes in droves... and what was her response as I noted through the windows that the skies were still damn cloudy up above?...

"Tee hee! I'd like that very much!"...

And, well... the way I wrote her comment, it sounds alright what she said, didn't it?... but I immediately knew something was wrong when she said it, as she spat it out so damn quickly that it almost seemed like a reflex, whether it be out of politeness or fear... She almost sounded like a business women, telling me what I wanted to hear and then scurried off to regret the lies she had just told me for tears... But then again, despite the overwhelming urges I felt that I had just put my own foot in my mouth, or my foot in my dick, or anywhere but the hole in her body that I wished it could fit... nevertheless, I still tried to get a hold of myself, if only to think clearly for the exam, as for all I know, she actually did mean what she said to me... like I always mean what I say, right?... right?... Okay, screw it. She's as foobar honest as I am... and sadly, that can't be good for business... that can't be good for anyone...

Until a ray of hope, a Rey-ray of sunlight, finally did seep through the clouds up above... literally... Because by the time that pointless history exam was finally over and done with, I noticed something... I glanced out the window, and noticed the Sun was shining, as if it had never hid its face like hers away from me ever once before... I then noticed where I was sitting, I then noticed where my Peng Shui had me siting, that I had sat directly in the path between the girl I talk too much about, and that precious little coat she brought because of the weather... and, well... once again, the truth of the matter is, for the past few months, she's only talked to me when I've thrown myself at her like the most desperate of men, when her instincts of politeness simply cannot allow her to pretend like I'm not staring right at her goddam face... She only seems to acknowledge that I exist when I'm less than two feet away from her, and by golly gee Cheese Whiz, I didn't notice yesterday until sunlight had finally shone on that very spot, that I had sat less than two feet away from her wonderfully bathed-in-light bag... bingo...

If I hadn't subconsciously done such a thing, she would've left without ringing or writhing or even saying goodbye, as all girls seem to do to me, no matter the time or place... But instead, thanks to the bag, I managed to get caught in the corner of her eye, and a hell of a bunch of crap pleasantries began as I walked her to the room that she claimed she had to flee to... I joked about how popular she was. I ribbed that she was the queen of the computer engineers here at university. We laughed over my fear that she wouldn't e-mail me back, as she claimed that a lot of guys seem to have the same fear about her for some odd reason... And when we finally departed ways, for a moment I even felt content. I had begged the Sun and stars that finally shone outside to simply give me one, last, fulfilling conversation with the girl I talk too much about, if only to find some sort of closure for the summer... and in a sense I did, as at least I was able to prove to myself that I could still make her laugh...

Not like that means very much, as every single one of those gaggles of guys she was with seemed to achieve the goddam same... her smile is a dervitive of popularity, an evolutionary gift to get every engineer to like her, but I digress... And getting her to accept my e-mails, either through politeness or guilt, didn't achieve much either when apparently, a ton of suitor guys are vying at her e-mail door and her own trap door down below as we speak. And the thing about our Friday conversation as we trolleyed and trolloped down the stairs (if only that meant something...), was that neither of us ever acknowledged anything of the past. I pretended like I wasn't pissed at her for ignoring me, and she pretended like she had never ignored me in the first place... I had a pleasant conversation with her and nothing more, and while in a sick sense that's what I begged the fates to bring me, in the end, after all I've been through with her, it simply was not enough. It simply was not what I wanted... After a taste of honey, how could I not want the whole beehive?... oh behave... So what exactly do I want?

I ask that same damn question every single damn year at this very same time... call it Spring Hey-IvanF Fever, if you will... and each year the times may change, people change, but the lust seems to last forever... for I truly am a diamond in the rough, or a carbon copy loser in the rough since I know I'll never be able to glisten or shine... well, without vaseline or Pine Sol at least, I mean... But either way, I will e-mail her sometime, if only to keep my promise, if only to find some real closure... or actually, if only so that I can slowly rebuild whatever trust, not tryst nor triste, we two seemed to have together before this trial and tribble-ation term ever started in the first place... But it'll be four months... four long months, after we descended four bloody flights of stairs together one last time... and something just tells us, that no matter how much I wish I could believe in something between us, that in the end, just like it was for all the other girls in my life, nothing was ever real in the first place... What is the Matrix? I am the Matrix. For nothing I am seems to be real... except my undying obsession of wishing upon a star, that someday, I actually will be able to care... that I will finally be a real boy, but that's so sappy, that's so goddam puppy, that now I have no choice but to digress...

ATI: Well, this won't affect me much, since I don't play games. But it seems that ATI has canned the upcoming Catalyst 3.3 drivers, although 3.4 is chugging along the way. Saw this news at Rage3d, where I get most of my ATI news: http://www.rage3d.net/.

ATI: Simply because I'm a Nintendo fan, I'll mention this report over at EEtimes, talking about ArtX, the company that made the N64 and Gamecube video cards that was sold to ATI. I don't know what they said, but pay your respects to: http://www.eetimes.com/story/OEG20030421S0028 .

ATI: In case you're bored, saw over at Rage3d some Radeon whatever reviews you might read for no apparent reason whatsoever. OC Addiction has a Radeon 9800 Pro review up at: http://www.ocaddiction.com/reviews/video/radeon9800/ . VR Zone has a PowerColor Radeon 9800 Pro review up at: http://www.vr-zone.com/reviews/PowerColor/9800Pro/ . And Beyond3d has a Sapphire Atlantis Radeon 9200 review up at: http://www.beyond3d.com/reviews/sapphire/9200/ .

nVidia: Saw over at Savagenews that some new Detonator drivers were released. Don't know if they're official or not, but version 50.06 is somewhere over at: http://www.9down.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=824 .

Y2kk Update: Well, it hasn't been exactly the most joyous of weekends... and it hasn't been the most pious of weekends either, no pun intended... because, well... just in case you don't know, for us Catholics at least, it's Easter Sunday today. And lo and behold, it's my birthday too. I'm an Easter Bunny this year. Woohoo... yahoo.ca for me... Of course, things haven't exactly been going the way I planned in my life right now, not that I ever do any of the planning. I was hoping that having my birthday on an Easter Sunday (and not dropping that chopstick on New Year's Eve) would actually lead to some luck and hope this year for little ol' me come exam time... but alas, things never end up that simple and easy for me, now do they?...

I guess it's history repeating itself all over again, and I'm not talking about those trials and tribulations I've gone through every single damn exam period I've had in university... I'm talking about the only other time in history that I can ever recall having my birthday on an Easter, which was way back when I was in Grade 4. That was the year I became close friends with that so-called best friend of mine... it was also the year that all because of a video game, I refused to speak with him for 40 days and 40 nights straight, and had to get a teacher to straighten the Medusa raft of a rift between us out... So obviously, although the pain and humiliation that we inflicted upon each other that year obviously led to somewhat of a male bond later on in life, it certainly didn't lead to any fast healing or guru yoga teachings between us back in Grade 4... and yet... that year, for some damn reason, I made a sleepless, hollow request to this friend of mine. I told him that my birthday was on Easter (or Easter Monday... I forget which one now...) and that maybe he should stop by for a hello and a jello (or now, "ello") or some crap like that... I never expected that he would take up my offer. Not once, as I was that slow, and really that damn dumb... Afterall, I was such a little hermit, refusing to have any friends over for my birthday whatsoever. All I wanted was peace and solitude and quiet, that's all... what I got instead, was misery a la miserables... all I ever want is what I plan. But alas, that's never what I get, now is it?...

In the end, nothing happened that day... well, on official record, that is... but I've been ashamed of that birthday of mine for God knows how many years by now... because simply put, short story short, I was a jackass, without a movie to sheath my sins. When my friend suddenly showed up at the door to what I thought was a non-invitation, I was shocked. I wasn't expecting anyone at all, so obviously, I was shocked... but not exactly perturbed. He was my friend afterall, and we could play some video games and gummy bears at the very least to pass the time, as long as he didn't hog all the points again that is... But the real problem came when I saw who he brought over... his brother... now, I don't know what I had against his brother, but I obviously had something. Whether I gave him the cold shoulder because I barely knew him, or whether it was because he had a reputation for being a class jerk, I may never know. All I know is that on that Easter birthday of mine, I was so damn pissed that my friend had come unannounced, and so damn pissed that he had brought along his brother without asking, that I just sat on the couch like a pouch of a pooch of a puddle of a potato, and refused to do anything with the guests in my house. I still remember just sitting on my ass with my arms folded across my chest, as my friend was bored out of his mind, and his brother just kept demanding that we do something or some crap like that... and what I'm most sorrowful about, is that when the both of them finally left an hour later, I was far more relieved than guiltful... it was a painful reminder that I hadn't grown any more mature, or any more social, since the entire damn month that I thought myself to be higher than my friend, and higher than God... and I did this all on Easter... and while that may mean nothing to most of you two readers out there or something, I swear to God, it holds a deep meaning to me. It's memories like this that forged who I am today, in the blind hope that I will never act the same way again... but we all know that wish never came true...

I can't say that this Easter Bunny birthday of mine has been thrilling or anything, but I don't really have much to complain about... well, at least, nothing that I didn't predict a mile away... Of course, it's exam time, and like every year, as I shed a single tear, all I want for my birthday is to pass my goddam university courses... and for my two front teeth to be straightened, but God knows I will never get braces... Because alas, things are never that simple for me... I for sure failed my Electronics exam last week. My only hope is that half the class fared a fail as well, but really... I don't think the chances of that are in my favour at all... And tomorrow? I have my Digital Systems exam... it was supposed to be an easy course... I even felt that the mid-term was easy after it was all said and done... and yet I failed it. I failed it miserably, simply because I made little mistakes here and there, and didn't realize that the three questions I left blank ended up being the most valuable questions on the damn exam (there were no number of marks assigned to questions at the time, so I assumed they were worth nothing). So obviously, I'm worried about what tomorrow may bring, for tomorrow may never die, but I sure as hell can. And I spent my entire birthday today studying... or, well, I was supposed to spend it all studying. But I'm writing this update now, aren't I? Obviously, I'm sickened by the fact that for the next few years of my life, if not more, if not forever, my birthdays will be amongst the most goddam, traumatic days of my so-called adult, unadulterated life... and with that said, you few readers out there might as well wish me luck...

But ay, there lies the rub... because what luck can IVT 420, the day that Hitler was born, the day that Bowling for Columbine should've been booed off the stage, can honestly bring?... Of course, despite my current, decrypted, academic situation and everything, my family tried to make my birthday feel all special and everything. So after asking me if it was alright or not, they took me out to dinner, to the same Chinese restaurant that we always go to when we're bored. And since I'm all about tradition and refusing to change, of course I obliged with a smile... but you see, it was there that I finally realized what the greatest birthday gift was of all time... I was scared...

I knew when I said yes to this whole restaurant thing that I might get nervous when push comes to shove, but I always tried to bite my lip and tell myself it's just my racism talking or whatever... But apparently, I wasn't the only one with that little voice inside their head that night... Because you see, I always laugh at the newspapers here in Toronto when they try to be all politically correct and everything, and blame the 70% downturn in Chinese restaurant attendances on Western folk racistly believing the Chinese population to be the sole harbingers of SARS... But what the newspapers refuse to print, is the fact that the missing 70% of the Chinese restaurants is normally filled by us Chinese, not Western people missing in action. Because when we went to the restaurant the other night?... It was a Saturday night in one of the biggest Chinese restaurants in the city (Mississauga, a suburb of Toronto so to speak...). Normally, just to get a seat on a regular day, you'd need to make a reservation hours in advance, or simply wait in line for God knows how many years... But last night, even on a vacation weekend for most Chinese?... well, as my brother put it, it was a ghost town. The requisite 20-30% of the place, filled by Western people, was all there... but as for the rest of the little shop of horrors, which is normally filled by Chinese folk who refuse to eat anything but the finest cuisine?... well... suffice to say, we felt alone in the universe that dinner... it was kind of cool, actually... for the first time in our lives, I think our Chinese food was actually served early for once... if you count half an hour of waiting early, that is... well, it's early for a Chinese restaurant at least...

But the thing that really startled me, actually came when we arrived at my grandparents house later that night. Because like usual, after the generic greetings and smiles and everything, I kissed my grandmother on the cheek like I always do... and felt a rush of a gush of regrettance over it just moments after, for the first time that I can ever recall... and why?... because I was terrified, if only for a moment, that I could've contracted the disease at the Chinese restaurant (even though it literally had nobody in it), and just sealed my grandma's fate with a kiss of death of innocence... and as unnecessarily melodramatic as that was of me, and as illogical as my feelings were, there's no denying that for a brief moment in time, I was scared... and obviously, things like this go beyond this Chinese community of mine. At Church this Easter morning, I was surprised to find that the communal handshake of peace had been admonished, or at least temporarily banned, if only to prevent against the spread of SARS. I felt at the time that such a restriction was completely unnecessary, considering we don't live in Toronto where all the corona cases reside, but after thinking about it for a second... well, even if massive Church quarantines are a bit premature (for every place but Montreal, I gather), suffice to say, it'll make a lot of folk a lot more comfortable about going to Church... well, for the few people who still go to my Church, that is... and at least it lets me know, that I'm not the only one with rash and mass hysteria over this stupid little thing...

And that was my birthday, or at least, that's been my birthday so far. To sum up my 21st birthday like a 21st Century Fox, hymn hymn: I've had study this, SARS that, and all in all, it definitely hasn't shaped up to be a breathtaking birthday that I'll be reminiscing about ten years down the road... but at least I won't be beating myself over it with an ugly stick, or a shit stick, or a juice box, like I still am over that Easter Island birthday of mine more than ten bloody years ago... and, well... since I'd better get back to studying, I guess there's really nothing else to say, but to wish myself a very happy happy happy happy happy anniversary this glorious IVT420 day, simply because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, doesn't it?... no thanks, of course, to a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone...

Y2kk Update: Well, it's exam time, so I'll try to keep this update brief, even though I don't wear boxers (which of all people, my brother flogs me for... go figure...)... The thing was, I forgot about her birthday. It's not that I've been overly concerned with ignoring her or anything... I sort of gave up on the whole charade of pretending not to care last weekend or whatever... But the thing was, I have no memory. And with exam alarms blaring all around me, it didn't strike me until Monday that possibly, just possibly, the girl I talk too much about's birthday had already gone and passed... So I waited for her. I got to class early on Monday and simply waited for her, wings in arms... just to ask her when her birthday was... just to ask her if I missed it or anything... but the problem was...

She didn't show up. Not until class had started for 10 minutes did she finally show up, with her voluptuous hair and a bag of shopping delight in hand... I was disappointed of course. I was finally going to face my fear and actively seek her out again, if only so I could study without this nagging guilt in my heart that I'm making the biggest mistake in my lifetime... it's just that, she wasn't there. And before I could race down to her at the end of class, she was already gone, like she always does... Whenever I want to just say goodbye to her for the day, she's already gone, as if she never remembers that I'm there... or if she knows I'm there, but never cares... Support.Mycrowsoft.Com readers would know about the drinking box incident I had with my close friend. I threw either grape juice or fruit punch at him for the stupidest reason: because he never waited for me after class as I was ever so slowly packing up my books... it got on my nerves after months of seeing him ignore me, even though I knew I would and could just meet at the lunch cafetaria minutes later... I just thought that he should've shown a little more consideration for me, that's all, as obsessive as that sounds, as I have this insane Achilles Heel that I simply can't stand being ignored... and, well... of course I regret my juice box throwing days, but just imagine... lotto 649, just imagine... the girl I talk too much about has done the same thing for every single day for the past six bloody months (just leave me hanging there I mean, like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon gone to waste, although I wish she'd just throw a juice box at me one of these days, just to show that she cares)... so you can imagine... if only I had a juice box around her... if only I squeeze her juices out... if only...

On Wednesday though, I went to class early, just to see if she was there. And she was... so I popped the question again... if only it was that question... But no, not quite... I asked her when her birthday was, and the thing was... it had already passed... it was on Monday... I should've known... seven is my lucky number, but when it comes to her? All it ever brings me is pain... And of course, I put on an act. I said I was sorry. I tried my best to apologize. I tried to tell her that I was going to ask her when her birthday was on Monday, but the fact of the matter remained, she had told me the date before... she had set a date... and I forgot... so sue me... But the real stinger in my heart came when she told me why she was late on Monday... it was because she was out with friends... friends who remembered it was her birthday, I gathered... and the thing was, she told me they had taken her out... to coffee...

Seems innocent enough, right? And yet, those words had so much more subtle subtext to me than any words I've heard for months... Because months ago, when Valentine's Day was calling, she told me that her dream was simply for a guy to ask her out to coffee one fine day, and simply talk with her to get to know her better... I took the hint of course, and tried to hint back that we talk all the time... just not over coffee... So I tried to make a joke back then. I said, next time she wants to ask a guy out, ask him to "Copywell and coffee", since we had been talking about the photocopy shop down the street just a few minutes ago... it was funny back then... but it simply hurt now... innocent, eh?... I just took it as a stab in the back message instead... as a hatchet, buried in my insides... I was going to try to talk with her then and there, but duty called I guess... I could've stayed with her and chatted for a minute or two, before class would start and she would hush me like she always does, but I opted inside to take the low road, and take the stairs upstairs to sit by a computer and wait as the printer queue wouldn't print my damn exam notes... I ran from her essentially, because just the mention of coffee made me so damn aware of what I am, and what I am doing wrong... Even if I had known about her birthday on Monday, I doubt I would've invited her to coffee... and yet that's all that she ever wanted, or so she dared to claim... and as simple of a thing like that, I didn't even care... I didn't even notice... I'm really no better than her...

Before I left her on Wednesday though, I told her one thing that stands out in my mind. I offered her a "belated happy birthday", but the thing was, I don't even know what belated means... I doubt she does either... and the thing was, the lack of meaning (and lack of moaning) has so much meaning to me, that it's not even funny... not for IvanF in the middle, at least... And I don't know why I said it... or maybe I do... because the horrible movie, The Story of Us, actually gave me some insight long ago into this... Because you see, in that royal tenuous bomb of a movie, Bruce Willis notes that he always knew whether something was wrong between him and his wife when he would try to touch his toes to hers. It was a small thing, but it's the tiny things in life that matter... And the thing was, over half a year ago I assume, the girl I talk too much about once confided in me that we're really close friends, that we can almost talk about anything, and that she trusts me in my use of language, that I would never use words that she doesn't understand... that I would never use words that would make her feel inept at English... and the ironic thing was, or the expected thing was, the day that I got really pissed at her, the day on the train after the mid-term exam where she just brushed me off, I told her all I wanted from friends was a little "solace"... and you know what?... she then asked me... what does "solace" mean?...

Oops...

I guess my subconscious mind was trying to tell me something, by saying a word I'd normally only write on this website in place of something simple like "comfort"... it was the first time I think I used a non-conventional word around her, but it definitely wasn't the last... and the thing is, I barely know what belated means... and yet I said it, almost half on purpose this time... I guess that shows just how high the Berlin wall boundary between her and I actually stands, better than my planned Y2kk words will ever unveal or unravel... but either way, it makes no difference in the end... after I asked her about her birthday, she almost seemed as if she wanted to talk with me for the first time in months, and yet I left... and when I came back?... she didn't even care that I was there... so what kind of mind game is going on? Or is it all in my mind?... I don't know, whether it's revenge or just plain ignorance, I don't know... all I know, is that I refuse to add to the games anymore. I am no longer going to be the bad guy. But my heart simply can't take getting a juice box thrown at it, every single damn day of the week... well, unless it tastes real good, at least... as even a bitter taste is better than the crap water the fountains give at school...

ATI: I finally got my ATI card this week, but I'll reserve that news for my Tweakui update either this week or not. But really, since I don't play PC games, the only thing I'll use the video card for is sadly DivXs I guess... On that note, saw over at Rage3d that the DivX2.1 player is out with full Catalyst driver support. It's supposed to remove a lot of the blocky pixels from video clips, so go ahead and bask in the probably the only use for video cards these days at: http://www.divx.com/divx/ .

ATI: I've always preferred comparison reviews over individual reviews, as everything is relative in life... but anyhew, TheInquirer has a comparions up between the Radeon 9200M and the GeForceFX 5200. Go ahead and see if you agree with my agreement at: http://www.theinquirer.net/?article=8836 .

nVidia: Saw over at Savagenews that some new Detonator drivers have arrived on the scene. Don't know what version 43.51 does, but I do know that they detonate something at: http://www.guru3d.com/files/detonator/ .

Y2kk Update: The problem with mind games, is that it could all be in your mind... I've finally started playing them with her, instead of playing with my thing and letting her play me for a fool of a fiddle. She's been ignoring me for the past few months or so? Fine. I don't want to bother obsessing about it anymore. I really don't... and thus, you few readers out there (and I'm hoping that she isn't one of them) know that for the first time that I can recall, I've premeditated my own path of discourse, dishonest, demonic destruction and action, and promised myself that I would no longer seek out the girl I talk too much about, even if I wish I would. Every single day, it's the same damn story with her: I try to talk to her, she ignores me, she doesn't give a damn about me, and then I leave in English anguish, sulking in the shadows that the one girl I've truly revealed myself to simply doesn't not take to me any longer... instead, she takes me as... well... nothing... for I truly am the champion of sulking. Too bad she can't be the champion of sucking, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

There was just one problem with my plan... I never once realized that I can't really ignore her, if she keeps ignoring me... What I mean is, by now, if she has any know-how whatsoever, she would've realized that I've barely said a word to her all week. Every single time we met, I would speak out some speakeasy pleasantries, ask how she's doing, and then simply retort that I have some place to go and leave. And the thing is, every single time I did that, I was telling the truth. I did have imminent quizzes to study for. I did have lab partners to meet. I did have friends to find to ask for help. The thing was, I've always had all the above, long before I ever became obsessed with her, and long while I had half hours discussions with her on the benches. But the thing was, before now, before Beowulf, I always made time for her, to be with her. I skipped out on studying, just to be with her. I skipped out on meeting my friends on time, just so I could talk to her. She meant that much to me... But now? Now, of course I'm still attached. I don't want to be attached, but goddammit, these obsessions just don't go away like that... It took almost a whole year for me to get over my last high school obsession, the definitive obsession, and who knows? Maybe I'm still not over her, considering I still think of her from time to time...

But the thing was, every single day this week, I tried my best to avoid all contact with the girl I talk too much about, and of course, as always, that eventually led to my personal, own primordial guilt, as predicted, as premeditated, as preordained by the powers that sit on their behinds... And thus today, I was almost willing to give up my charade. I found her in the hallways by accident this morning when arriving at school, and thanks to my beckoning guilt, I tried to make conversation with her... I was going to ask how her job was going. I was going to ask how her classes were going. I was going to say something, just anything, and hope that maybe, just maybe, she'd welcome some welcome words from me again for the first time in over a week... but the thing was... I may not hate her, but of all the ways to hurt me?... I hate this. I really hate this. Because of course, she didn't even recognize that I was there... she was whooping it up with a friend next to her, and she didn't even recognize I was there for the damn longest time. And when she finally did? She simply said hi. A foobar hi. And ignored me for about two minutes, until I finally remembered why the hell I chose to spite her in the first place... I then simply shrugged everything off with a wicked smile, and told the truth that I was supposed to meet my lab partner in a few minutes... I was hoping that she was just doing this to me, out of vengeance against me doing it to her, but alas, even the hourglass is forced to follow the laws of her wicked hand, because she's been doing this to me for goddam months, like moths to a flame... But again, before I left, I tried to say something to her, just to see if she'd respond, but every time I tried, she cut me off, just to talk to her other friend over there, as if I didn't goddam exist or some crap like that... I mean, honestly, like I said, I can always hope that she's doing to me what I'm now doing to her. I can always hope that she once cherished me so damn much that she simply cannot talk to me anymore in fear of being hurt... I can respect that, but it's wishful thinking on my behalf, and only wishful thinking. The truth of the matter is, she's been like this for the longest of times, even before the whole jealousy thing. It's just that when I first met her, I didn't think anything of it. I thought she saw me as special, not just a target to be polite to.

And thus, I now hate her again. Honestly. I was feeling real remorse this morning for being so callous and so damn crude to actually choose to do unto her what she does to me, but now that I've tried to open up to her again?... I'm so damn tired of this no-name soap opera, for I now know, that as wrong as my decision may be, it's the only course of action I have left... save for telling her the truth of how I feel about her that is, not like that will do any good anymore, but that's besides the point... I don't want to be dishonest. I don't want to hold secrets... well, besides the existence of this website, that is... But she leaves me little or no choice. We may always have free will or blah blah blah, but I can't take being stung by her any longer, each and every damn day of the week, every time hoping that it'll be the last time I go home hurt. She once left me speechless because of her charms and delightfulness... unfortunately, I now see they were all just pleasantries, as she does the same thing with every damn person around her. I'm now speechless around her, because she's disgusted with everything I have to say. The damn hypocritical lies of an extrovert, I shall never forget... and never be able to atone for, or change the tone of her tune, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

It's just ironic that in the week that I finally tried to gut her insides as she does mine, she still ends up ignoring me more than I could possibly ignore her. The only real reason why every single damn day, every time we met, I told her I had places to go and people to see, is because she herself seemed like she wanted to get the hell away from me more than I wanted to run and hide from her. She would claim that she needed to study, or she would claim that she needed to meet someone, before I ever got the change to shine and give her the rub. But maybe now, after a week of getting the same damn rhetoric smashed back in her face, maybe she'll realize that whatever she's trying to do, it's either working or not. Before, I would try talking to her, no matter where she had to go. I would walk her to classes. I would wish her luck with a twinkle of a smile. But now? Will she notice that I now cringe when I see her smile?... Either she's trying to get my attention because she has feelings for me, or either she just doesn't give a damn about me anymore and wants me to get the hell away. Mixed messages? Hardly. It's just the result of the dishonest, honest-to-God truth. And now I'm choosing to live it. To live a lie. To lie or not to lie, for what lies beneath is that she'll never lie in my bed. Lies beget lies, I'm afraid, but at this point in time, just like her, I just don't give a damn anymore. At least we now have that in common.

I just wonder how long this will last, that's all... if my crush on her is based on selfishness, self approval, and blah blah blah like all the rest, then a few weeks more of this A-train wreck of a situation should cure me of this disease that devours my insides... But though I may finally rid myself of the crush I never wanted in the first place, my heart will now bear and beat the cancer and gall and mits of gnaws of guilt, for doing something I thought I would never do. To ignore. To cheat. To lie. To hide. To sulk. For what must a man do, to be hers?... to actually tell the truth? I did. My truth, at least... But only the truth she wants will help... and I can't give her that... not with her looking... and thus, I now talk of the girl I talk too much about even more, simply because of the fact, that for the first time in my history of crushes, I know it's not just me. I know it's not just my fault that things are the way they are. I've offered to change. I've asked her what's wrong. I tried my best to be sensitive to her feelings. I've tried my best to learn what the hell she wants me to say, and what the hell will make her smile. I lived for her smile. I once lived for her smile. It was my morning. It was summer. It was my summer Olympics in the morning. Now it's just a hurdle... and white men can't jump... Isn't that enough? She says jump, and I say how high?...

And the problem is... well... mind games... this could all be in my mind, and I could now be alienating a friend that hasn't done a harmful thing to me on purpose or what not... that's what I tried to believe for the longest time... but in the end, the only conclusion I could surmise, where all roads lead to Rome, and all thoughts lead to her, is that it's just not me. And it's just not her. It's just the honest-to-God, dishonest truth, it's true, it's true... and it all sounds like so much goddam fun, doesn't it? It's almost worth a smile... just not hers, because God knows it's an endangered species around me these days... wouldn't want to risk killing it, now would I?...

S3: Who would've thunk that S3 is back in action, releasing new drivers to tempt us back into its fold? Saw over at Savagenews that version 12.90.89 for Supersavages in WinXP/2000 is over at: http://ranger.s3graphics.com/swlib/584drv/129089wxp2ks3logo.zip , and version 12.32.26 for Win9x is hidden at: http://ranger.s3graphics.com/swlib/584drv/123226s3logo.zip . For Via ProSavages, version 13.94.07 for Win2k/XP is over at: http://ranger.s3graphics.com/swlib/420drv/139407No_IShld.zip , if it you want utilities with it, http://ranger.s3graphics.com/swlib/420drv/139407Util.zip .

ATI: Just in case you're in the mood, I might as well let you know that DirectX9.0a was taken off of figurative shelves when it was found to be incompatible with the latest Catalyst driver set... who should we thank for that? ATI or Microsoft? How about her then? I can blame her, right?... blame games may be evil, but time to play the game... But anyhew, also just in case you're interested, there's a Hercules Prophet 9700 Pro review at 3dVelocity: http://www.3dvelocity.com/reviews/hercules/9700pro.htm . There's also one at Techspot for the Crucial variety at: http://www.techspot.com/reviews/hardware/crucial9700-sapphire9500pro/index.shtml .

SiS: Yay! I'm actually reporting SiS news on this site for no apparent reason!... But anyhew, some new AGP drivers have arrived for SiS chipsets. Version 1.15 probably does something at: http://driver2.sis.com/agp/agp115.exe .

nVidia: Saw over at Savagenews that new Detonator drivers have arrived on the scene. Don't know what version 43.45 does except for adding GeForce FX support, but get the Win9x version at: http://www.nvidia.com/view.asp?IO=win9x_43.45 . And the Win2k/XP version if highlighted at: http://www.nvidia.com/view.asp?IO=winxp-2k_43.45 .