Y2kk Update: Well, aren't I ever the goddam dumbass...

... fuck, just taking a single glance at the optimism of my last update just makes me feel even more goddam sick to the stomach and retarded...

I'm just so damn stupid. Why the fuck am I acting like the girl in this relationship here?...

... not that there was ever a relationship, mind you...

... and right now, I just can't see there ever being one either...

Now I know, I know, I'm just overreacting all over again by going apeshit emo like I was afraid I would. But I just can't help who I am, I can't help how I feel, and I can't help but feel that I'm just so goddam stupid for doing what I did...

For five long years, if not longer, I have been craving goddam Toronto Raptors playoffs tickets. They were my Holy fucking Grail in life, and I was devastated when thanks to MLSE season ticket holder rules, I didn't get any seats to Games 1 and 2 of the New Jersey Nets series this year. I've told all this to the girl at work so many times, and I was completely honest in admitting just how much getting these goddam tickets meant to me in the end. I even joked that I would sell my soul just for the opportunity to sell my soul again for fucking goddam Raptors tickets, and my joke wasn't really far off...

But more recently, it wasn't just my dream to get Raptors tickets. Now, no man can really help what they dream, but is it really any wonder that I would put my two passions together as my ultimate sort of goal? I've really fallen for this girl at work, far more than I ever should've allowed myself to, and I know that far too well first hand right now. It's just that, I couldn't help but keep imagining a time when I could take her to the Raptors game, where the roaring crowd and the waterfall of cheers and boos are just so damn overwhelming, that even I would get lost in the crazed emotion and finally give in to my gut instincts... to reveal to her how I really do feel...

... as yes, sadly, that has been my fucking dream for so damn long now...

... what a foolish, goddam waste of a dream...

Because finally, the former of my two missions in life finally came true. By logging onto TicketMaster within the first ten fucking seconds that seats for Game fucking five of the Raptors first round went on sale, I got myself four tickets and was so damn happy when I received the confirmation notice in my e-mail. I wanted to share my excitement with her, knowing full well that she knew how much this all meant to me, but I hesitated. I knew that if I told her all that, that I'd be foolish enough to actually ask her out to the game, and I just wasn't prepared for the heart-break of her ever saying no...

I mean, these were fucking playoffs tickets for Christ's sakes, with a waiting list for each and every single one of them a fucking mile long amongst my very own friends. Being there at a Raptors playoffs game meant the fucking world to me, and I just knew in my heart when I received those tickets, that if I ever offered one to her and she turned me down? I'd be devastated. Regardless of logic or the fact that I'd know I'm just being immature and completely goddam insecure as always, I also knew I'd be goddam fucking devastated to the core nonetheless...

But after last Friday? On Friday night, after she so shockingly said yes to my offer to take her to a sports bar, I guess I just lost all sense of logic, reality and focus. Without even thinking about it, on simply the whim of the tongue and the blindness of the heart, I asked her to the Raptors game. I knew that in my only little pathetic way, I was completely opening myself up to her then and there. I mean, sure I could handle it if she turned down a movie or dinner or any sort of crap like that, as I'm sure I'd be okay the very next day. But these are fucking Raptors playoffs tickets I had there in my hand. They were the goddam achievement of a fucking lifetime, as sad as it is to say. I know they didn't mean much to her, but for unfathomable reasons why, they just meant the whole fucking world to me...

... she should've known that... she's supposed to know that...

... and the fact that she said "maybe", was the sole reason why I was so damn optimistic in my last goddam Y2kk Update...

And as a result? I was really warm to her on Monday, and probably got too close to her for comfort...

... she turned me down...

At first, I just shrugged it off, not really caring that she didn't really give a shit about the Raptors much or my dreams of taking her to a game or anything else. I figured she had something much more important to do then, considering I was basically offering her the fucking most important piece of paper I have ever garnered in my fucking life (and yes, that includes my shitty ass university degree) and yet she was merely able to shrug it off like a goddam gnat...

So I gave her another chance. As we were walking together after work, I asked her once more if she'd reconsider. I knew that the chances were slim that she would ever change her mind and choose to go, but I just had to know in the pits of my gut as to why exactly she chose a night by herself over goddam fucking me...

... I expected an answer that would make some sort of sense, any sort of fucking sense...

... yet instead I got?...

... "chores"...

Wait, what?...

She turned down fucking Raptors playoffs tickets... for goddam fucking house chores? WTF?...

More than that, they weren't just slabs of playoff tickets. They had so much more meaning to them that I can't believe she didn't register a clue. I had told her there was a waiting list a mile long for each and every single ticket I had bought, not just from my own friends but from my brother's friends as well, and yet I offered first dibs to her. Doesn't that mean anything?...

I have been talking about fucking Raptors playoffs tickets to her for months and months now, dreaming of the day they would finally come. And yet finally the moment that they finally arrive on my doorstep, I ask her of all people first and foremost to spend the entire fucking night with me, dinner fucking included? That's when she turns me down, for nothing more than goddam fucking house chores? WTF?...

... and ay, there lies the bitter, cold rub...

I bid her good night and just tried to shake it off. I mean, asking a girl out is never a fucking safe business for the sanctity of the soul. There's always a huge chance that they'd simply say no, and like I said, I was prepared to swallow my pride if only I had asked her out to something smaller, like a movie or a dinner or just something else than the one goddam thing that she knew I had my heart set on ever since I fucking goddam met her in the first place...

I've tried at work for the past two days to reconcile how I feel. I've tried, I've so desperately tried, but I've failed...

Sure, I've gone emo before, and I truly regret doing so in the past. But here and now, I just can't help but feel this goddam hollow, sinking feeling...

... like, I don't know... as pathetic as this may sound?...

... as if she somehow broke my heart...

I mean yes, I know how dumb this all must sound like, over goddam Raptors playoffs tickets of all meaningless and materialistic things. And yes, I still feel so fortunate that she graced me with her goddam presence to the goddam sports bar on Friday night...

But as I feared, either I screwed something up so dearly that very same night between us? Or she accompanied me to watch the Raptors game that evening, simply because she had nothing better to do and not because I was the one she wanted to be with...

... and apparently, chores at home are more important than the fucking goddam Raptors game live that I've had my goddam heart set on for God knows how long...

And it's not like she never goes out on weekdays or any sort of shit like that from family. She tells me all the time that her friends drag her out on work days until late at night, so honestly, if she really has any vested interest in me besides as a goddam coworker? Then wouldn't she have goddam chosen to fucking spend an evening with me at the goddam one and only event I've been talking about and planning for the past fucking six months? WTF?...

... which once again beckons the question...

On Friday night, why the fuck did she say 'yes'?...

... out of pity?... right now, I've gotta assume, out of goddam pity...

Because yes, I know I'm being a pussy here. I know that I'm ironically being the goddam fucking woman in the relationship. But I just can't ignore how I fucking feel. And I fucking feel disgraced and demoralized right now, to the point where I just don't even want to see her until she shows me some shred of fucking proof that she cares...

She's never the irrational one. She's never acted goddam emo. She always treats me like a friend, nothing more and nothing less. If she had any fucking real interest in me, shouldn't she at least seem the least bit crazed? And yet I've never gotten the slightest inkling of an indication from her like she's going out of her mind. I'm fucking going out of my mind, and yet she doesn't seem to give two fucking real shits about it all. WTF?...

At work and at lunches and during all our walks, it's almost like I'm the one who has to initiate every conversation. I know I have a tendency to unfortunately shoot her down at times, but these days, it's really like she's never fucking honest with me at all. She keeps telling me her home persona is so damn different than her work one, but unless she's just completely lying through her teeth here, I have not noticed her acting different at all when she's with me than when she's with any other fucking goddam colleague. Do I really mean that little to her then? Fuck...

As goddam stupid as it all sounds, yes the Toronto Raptors playoffs tickets meant the universe to me, and she was the one person that I cared about most of all at the time. So much to the point, where right after I told my brother about the tickets, that's when I couldn't resist the urge to just offer them up to her on the silver fucking platter known only as my pride and heart. It was like I was offering every fucking thing I am and was and had to goddam offer. I was willing to chaperone her, take her hand to the game, spend dinner together, and then take her back to her home with who knows what kind of a goddam finish to the goddam fairy tale...

... but it was all just a goddam dream, now wasn't it?...

... fuck, yet another lowly, fucking dream, that's all it was...

... and now I'm fucking wide awake, with eyes wide fucking shut...

To the point where no matter how amazing the crowd at the game was last night?...

... I just didn't enjoy it...

... I just couldn't enjoy it, knowing full well who was the only real person I wanted cheering by my side...

... the Raptors survived elimination... and yet I couldn't even give a shit... WTF?...

I just feel horrible now. Crushed even, thanks to goddam realism and the fucking realization that Friday night really was just a goddam fluke...

Now sure, I don't blame her for not going to the game. The tickets meant nothing to her, and it's not her fault she didn't realize how much they meant to me...

But it's just that, I feel so damn stupid right now, that's all. I was taken for a goddam fool all over again...

... despite all my warnings, despite all my precautions, I was taken for a goddam fool yet fucking goddam again...

... and I just can't deal with it, not right now, that's all...

I've tried reconciling with it these past two days. I've tried thinking it through, mulling it over, forcing it out of my system, and shutting it all out... the same way I forgive and forget and accept all the other bullshit ideals I've had in my life...

... but this time?... it's not working...

... it's just not fucking working...

Which is why I'm writing... which is why I'm writing all this in the here and now...

... in the faintest of hopes and cries that maybe, just maybe, I can finally put this all behind me...

... but no, it's not working...

... it's still not goddam working...

... if only...

Y2kk Update: Goddammit, I'm so damn confused...

WTF is this emo shit? Teen fucking angst? I was feeling butterflies in my goddam stomach all evening long last night. WTF?...

Last week, I had already experienced my first bout of nervousness since the last time I presented a huge project in front of a classroom. Hell, even back then at university, I never really felt nervous before presenting, simply because I had rehearsed all my shit and knew what the fuck I was doing. Not to mention that I didn't give two shits about my presentation mark, but that's a story for another day...

But last week? During my goddam annual fit of birthday depression, I really didn't know what the fuck I was doing when I asked the girl at my work out for coffee last Friday. I mean, I had this feeling in the pits of my gut that I was losing her, or losing any damn chance of ever being with her if I so choose to ignore the inconvenient rule of coworker non-dating, so I couldn't help but ask her out for a cup of tea to explain my moody ass behaviour for the past week. And to my goddam surprise, she actually agreed...

We had ice cream that day. Maybe it'll become a Friday staple of a sunshine delight of ours, I dunno. All I do know, is that I did my intended thing, apologized for my sheer goddam stupidity earlier that week, and then we talked. Talked about nothing really, but we talked enough to make it worth something. And yeah, near the end, she gave me those looks of hers, those ever patented glances of which a man just simply can't describe, yet just somehow knows exactly what they mean when coming from a woman...

... or do we?...

... or do I, really?...

This girl at work, she has this picture perfect way of looking at me with the corner of her eyes and then shying away with those bubbly, adorable cheeks of hers, which always manages to somehow give me this instinctive urge to just hold her in my arms then and there...

But do I ever act up on these goddam urges that she can unravel within me with the mere glance of an eye? No, not once have I yet. Because as much of a green light of a signal as it seems to me at times, I'm just too damn confused to know better whether she's actually just giving me an indication of the goddam "Friends Zone" I've been fooled and fraggled by so many damn times in the past before...

I mean seriously, why the fuck would she ever be interested in me of all children of men? It's goddam boggling to the goddam mind...

And to be honest? In my sheer stupidity of a sombre stupor, I fell into the exact same trap of the exact same kind of low self-esteem, teen angst bullshit of desperate depression this fucking past week yet again, although thankfully it wasn't nearly as bad as it was the week of my goddam birthday...

Now, in all seriousness, the vast majority of my goddam anguish this week all dealt with the pissing and grudge matches going on over at work. I personally don't like playing the monkey in the middle with the goddam fiddle between two warring parties, and I especially don't appreciate being used as a goddam pawn in their goddam political wrasslings and wrangles. But as a rookie, what can I really do? Nobody will listen, and nobody will fucking care. Simple as that...

I'd be lying though, if I didn't admit that some small part of my weekly goddam, depressive mood swing wasn't caused by my own personal frustrations, with the way I've been handling the situations with the girl I've fallen for at work. Obviously, I know we can't date, no matter how much I would actually like to in the here and now, simply because we work so damn closely together at goddam work. And the simple things that killed and wounded me inside this past week, were simply the subtle reminders in our work discussions and meetings and all that other shit, that brought forth the fact that I just don't think I have the confidence and goddam maturity to separate the arguments we have at work with whatever we could possibly have together outside of office space and hours...

So yeah, fearing that I was doomed to repeat history yet again by alienating the one person I most care for in this second depressive mood swing week in a row, I didn't really give her a chance to leave by herself yesterday afternoon. I went over to her place and basically asked the same thing that I did the week before, if she'd like to go out for a walk and get a cup of coffee or whatever, that is. And this time, I didn't have the same butterflies in the pits of my gut that I had the week before, I didn't have the same sort of nervousness, and this time I didn't really feel like it was a "pseudo-date" as I referred to it before...

... that is, until I actually made it to be one...

Now, I'm not sure what I was thinking. Did I just fall for the adorably cute Chinese face all over again? Did she give to me that glare of a glancing blow that just completely somehow consumes and breathes life into my goddam heart, and makes me her into her goddam willing slave? I dunno, I just don't know...

All I do know, is that I really wasn't thinking with my head screwed on straight, when I offered on a mere whim to stay downtown to watch the Toronto Raptors game in a restaurant, if only she'd stick along with me by my side for the night...

I was surprised and shocked as hell when I said it. It just sort of slipped out, and I was completely caught off guard by the fact that I didn't even realize what the four-lights fuck I was saying and doing until it was already all out there and said and done...

But you know what was even more mind boggling and goddam perplexing?...

... that she actually said...

... 'yes'?...

WTF?...

And you know what my first reaction was, at least in the back end bowels of my goddam mind?...

... ahem...

"Oh shit. Really?"...

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?...

I mean, sure she had already said that she didn't really have plans for that night set in stone. But she had already told me in the past that sports bars just weren't her thing, that she was much more of a Leafs fan than a Raptors fan, and seriously? With all the friends and unique people she constantly keeps talking to me about? I just have to imagine that she could find a much more interesting person to hang around with on a goddam Friday night than a mere simpleton from far out in the boonies like goddam noname me. So honestly, WTF?...

But she said yes. She actually said yes. As just a friend or out of pity or perhaps something more, I don't know. But even still, no matter the intent in the end, I just couldn't believe that I had actually asked her to stay with me, and I still couldn't believe that she actually agreed...

... I did not expect this to happen out of the blue...

... cue fucking butterflies ten fucking fold...

In a sense though, it was the good kind of nervousness that I hadn't felt in a very long time, the excited type that I used to feel before actually competing in high school presentations where I was actually (and foolishly) proud of what I wrote. But mother-goddam-fucker, on a day where I nearly fucking lost my breakfast to the dirty ass toilets of Union Station after missing my local bus and running for fifteen fucking minutes straight to make the goddam GO train? Did I really need more fucking nausea and suffocation in my stomach at that goddam point and space in time?...

... apparently, yeah, I did...

... and still do, me thinks...

Because suffice to say, the Toronto Raptors laid the ever proverbial egg that night, but it wasn't a bad night in Hogtown at all. I spent the whole evening with that girl at work, so much so that she even met my brother and all his close friends before she and I left for dinner. I was so fucking nervous about all this random shit that I was about to hurl, as I really didn't plan on any of this happening what-so-fucking-ever. It just all occurred and incurred so damn fast that it almost feels now like a goddam blur, as simply from the fact that for all intents and goddam intensive purposes? This was the equivalent of the first ever real date I've ever been on...

... or was it, really?...

Nothing happened. Nothing really happened between the both of us. We just talked...

We talked about nothing, but enough to make it something, you know?...

Alas, she made it clear at several points throughout the evening that we were just "friends", at least in words and writing. And I suppose in conserved response, I did the same. But there were other times when she just gave those ever wistful shy-away looks that she always seems to flutter and flirt, those intangible signals that just keep on begging me to grab her, hold her in my arms, stare deep into her eyes, and just never let go...

Like I've said though, I've been fooled in the past by this pyrrhic gold before. As of right now, I really have no real fucking clue whether last night was meant to solidify our just being "friends", or if she really did say yes to my completely random and spontaneous suggestion because she too was hoping for something more. How the fuck am I supposed to know if I'm interpreting her signals the right fucking way?...

Like I said before, it makes no fucking sense how such a classy, intelligent and beautiful girl such as herself would ever be interested in a goddam noname nobody like me. Seriously, WTF?...

... either way though, I'm just hoping that I don't go apeshit emo for the third fucking week in a row, and take it all out on her...

Because quite honestly? Even if in the end we're just meant to be "friends", or co-workers if you will?...

... she still has given me two of the most memorable evenings I have ever had in this goddam reserved and sheltered life of mine...

I actually could barely sleep last night after it was all said and done. Now sure, I was all cool, calm and collected when I first stepped into bed, but hours later? I actually woke up in the middle of the night with these visions and unshakeable dreams of just her and I holding each other close to the chest, our hearts beating as one and in unison and all that other cheesy romantic, unconscious bullshit. Sure, I tried my best to just shrug off these images and get back to fucking sleep, but I couldn't, I just couldn't. Not just because my heart was pounding away so damn hard in goddam illogical excitement, but because I was actually enjoying this helpless and engulfing feeling of goddam passionate ecstasy...

... well, until now, that is...

... where once again I feel nothing but goddam confusion, not to mention being tired as goddam fucking hell...

Can I even call last night a date or a pseudo-date? What if it was just two co-workers, or friends if you will, spending a shared evening together since they mutually had nothing better to do? What if it's all in my mind, if this whole romantic ideal is just one-sided and a hell of a lot lopsided? She did seem rather bored at times while watching the game in my company afterall, as being in a sports bar was just completely out of her natural element...

Which beckons and tolls the telling question once more...

... why the fuck did she say 'yes'?...

And even so, there are just so many other huge ass lingering questions that still remain. I mean seriously, can I ever really risk dating a co-worker? Is she actually interested in me, or are those glances simply indications that she knows that I'm interested in her but she feels nothing on her end? And even if I do manage to bypass all sense of logic and security, will I ever truly have the guts and glory to actually ask her out on a real date for once?...

Dammit, what have I ever done to deserve her?...

... though realizing all the above, does apparently nothing for me but make the butterflies scourge and swarm back for more and more...

Merciless devourers of what little remains of my spirit and free will, apparently...

... though ever surprisingly, to my warm embrace and eyes wide shut...

Y2kk Update: God, I've gone goddam apeshit emo...

Why must I always turn out this way on the week of my birthday? Am I just mentally weak and mindfucked, or is it the curse of being born on Hitler's fucking date of birth or some shit like that?...

Honestly, why is it that I always get so goddam depressed on the week of my fucking birthday, that I fucking actually get sick to the stomach and ill to the throat? I promised myself that it would be different this year, I swore to myself that I wouldn't get the flu like I always somehow manage to do, and that I wouldn't for once get all down and "homicidal" on this week of murderous Columbine and Virginia Tech freaks. Yet somehow, my will and bloody hell body just won't comply with whatever the fuck I promise myself. WTF is wrong with me?...

... and I screwed up... I screwed up real fucking bad this week in the process...

Well, at least Monday and Tuesday were alright. Like I said, I made a solemn vow to myself that I wouldn't succumb to the same regular bullshit that I always manage to whine and complain about each and every year around this time. It's my birthday, afterall, and for once I didn't have any damn schooling or exams. There was no fucking reason for me to be sick, as finally I didn't have to worry about marks or goddam potential relationships gone bad...

... well, maybe I still have be goddam careful of the latter...

Because it was on Wednesday when all hell broke loose. Now, I must've realized sometime on my GO train ride into work that my forehead was burning up like a Ku Klux cross and that my head was getting all hazy and foggy, yet it never once dawned on me that I was actually fucking sick with the flu just like every other fucking birthday week of mine in the past. So when I finally got into work, sure I was baffled and breathless as to why exactly my legs were weak as hell and my forehead felt like it was gonna split into goddam two, but I just shrugged it off as if it were just that usual bitter morning aftermath that I get every fucking time I wake myself up for goddam work...

But no, not this time. It wasn't the same kind of horrible aftertaste of shit in my mouth this time around. Because as soon as my team started talking about work, and extra work that I quite frankly did not care to hear about, that's when something just snapped inside of me. To be honest, looking back at it, it's kind of freaky how my brain just shut off like that, as if there was some sort of fucking light switch in my head. I just completed went into pure dumbass mode, refused to talk to anyone, and even ignored the girl that I've fucking fallen for at work...

... hell, she was the one that I'm sure I hurt the most...

Now, the other guys I work with? I just told them after it was all said and done, that my head was throbbing and that I couldn't think straight. I had come into work anticipating a steady work flow one way, and simply did not have the patience that morning with my sickness to hear about all the other stuff I had not thought about the afternoon at work before...

And to be honest, that was the honest to God truth, more or less. I came into work expecting to finally get some real work done, only to learn that there were a hell of a lot more meetings and deliberations to be had before I could even begin to pinpoint where to start. I just wasn't feeling right enough in the mood to be dazed and confused by goddam work of all shitty ass things, that's all. So I basically just shut them all out, at least for the first hour of work...

But the girl that I've just absolutely come to adore at work? You know what somehow set me off with her? Fuck, I had tried on both Monday and Tuesday to get her alone, just to be able to talk to her in person and private, you know. She kept shrugging off my advances so to speak, as while I get this feeling somewhere deep down in my gut that she for some forsaken and inexplicable reason, actually likes me? It's just that, I also have yet to get that same feeling in my gut from the way that she looks and talks to me, that she actually wants me to ask her out. I feel like she's attracted to me, but just doesn't really want me, you know? There's no logical explanation of how I'm getting these intangible signals from her, but that's just what I feel I keep getting as a result, I dunno...

... I'm new at this shit... so sue me...

And yes, after a few months of this, I was getting a bit frustrated with it all. I like her, I really do like her, and I would've actually had the guts by now to ask her out if it wasn't for the fact that we fucking work together. So obviously, my own inability to take the necessary steps to admitting to her in person of how I really do feel about her, is what's causing the root of all my aggressions and goddam frustrations. And without goddam golf at the driving range to beat this rage out of me as of late, things were just coming to a head, that's all...

That Wednesday morning, you know what the real reason why I snapped, as stupid as it all was? The thing is, that morning I was already getting fucked and flustered in the head by all this talk of extra work that I did not anticipate or want. That's when she arrived on the scene, and that's when I tried to say hello and good morning to her then and there. The thing is, while I did at least muster up a wave of the hand, she didn't respond or reply in kind, and I just couldn't muster the energy to actually say anything to her as a result. She just sat down at the conversation and listened to the other guys rant, without ever once acknowledging that I was there. And what made me feel so damn much worse, was that I couldn't find the courage just to speak up over the other fucking guys to say good morning to her. Not on the week of my goddam birthday, apparently...

So yeah, I snapped. I don't know really how or why, but my mind, it just shut itself off and goddam snapped. I didn't talk to anyone for about half of an hour. In fact, I didn't even say goodbye to the girl I've fallen for at work, even when she tried to make contact with me before leaving the area I work in. It wasn't until she sent me an e-mail telling me (in a semi-joking way) that I had hurt her feelings, did I realize what I had truly done. It wasn't until then that I finally woke back the fuck up, felt my forehead for the fact that it was burning and searing like a fucking ass-tray, and then manned-up enough to whimper out an apology to her for being such a goddam jackass that morning...

It's said that women never forgive or forget. And maybe it's true, maybe she was lying and telling me what I wanted to hear when I apologized just once more later in the week. But I for one, I just can't accept the fact that once again, for the umpteenth time on my goddam birthday, I actually freaked out like a goddam Tickle Me Emo, and hurt the one that truth be told, I really do care for the most out of all right about now...

Why is it that I always seem to be so damn fucking cursed on my goddam birthday, or the days leading up to my birthday, so to speak? I always find myself back to 99% health, both physically and mentally, by the time I always meet my grandparents for dinner the night of my actual birthday. But the week leading up to that shit? I always end up getting sick with the flu, I always end up miserable in the pits of my gut, I always end up cursing the day I was born, and I always end up regretting every fucking thing I said and did when it finally comes to the cure, sanctuary and salvation of this goddam day after my goddam curse of a fucking birthday...

... sigh... this is what it means to be born on Hitler's birthday...

... this is what it means to be the very definition of Bowling for Columbine...

... this, alas, is what it means to be Ivan-fucking-F...

Hell, on the eve of my birthday, I even went rummaging through the old, ancient Y2kk archives for the first time in years, just for proof of how much I fucked and got fucked over on my goddam birthdays in the past. To be honest, if my memory and records serve me right, I've been pretty much sick and tired and tired of being sick on every single one of my birthday weeks, last year especially included...

... except for one birthday year, specifically... one especially horrendous birthday year some two annals ago...

I still remember it like yesterday, simply because it has stood the test of time as the only Y2kk Update that I actually flat out lied on. I'm not proud of it, and it shames me to this day that I still haven't quite written the truth about that day on this website. Because the truth of it all, was that I so goddam afraid that the university exam committee would actually be determined enough with the resolve to actually find my fucking download site and use the truth against me in court...

That was the year I missed my exam. That was the year where I missed my final fucking exam of my entire fucking university career, from being sick with the flu the night before and completely sleeping through my goddam alarm clock as a result...

... or so my download update back then so claimed...

The truth of the matter wasn't that different from what was told, but it was indeed goddam different. I wasn't sick the week leading up to my birthday, but thanks to my brother's goddam party with his friends at my house while my parents were away, I was fucking miserable as hell on the day of my actual birthday. He didn't even have enough concern for me to move his beerfest of a BBQ to another date. He didn't even give two shits enough to actually spend the time with me on my actual fucking birthday. Instead, he was selfish enough to cook dozens of steaks and hotdogs for all his friends and peers, yet forgot to even give me one of them since I was downstairs in the basement, miserable as fuck that my brother chose his goddam university roadkill over me. I'm still pissed about it to this day, to be honest, but that's besides the point...

The point is, the day after my birthday, my brother still didn't have enough concern for me to actually help with the clean-up. I was the one who had to wash the floors and vacuum the carpets. I was the one who did the dishes and fixed the shelves. I was the one who scrubbed the toilets like a goddam fucking slave in my own household, as my brother was too piss drunk still and hungover to do anything but join his friends in a rousing morning round of coffee down the street...

So yeah, later that night, like my Y2kk Update stated, I was sick with the fucking flu. I did feel like throwing up, and I just didn't have the energy to study for that last fucking exam of my entire fucking university career. All thanks to my goddam little brother, that is...

... but that wasn't all that I was too damn lazy to do that night...

Through my illness and thanks to that same goddam haze and fog that I reacquainted myself so damn well with this year, I was too damn dumbass enough that Spring Fever of an evening to even double check what time my fucking exam was the morning after. For some damn reason, I was so damn blinded and incoherent from all the pent up frustrations and rage I was feeling, that I just shrugged my shoulders, assumed my exam was at 12:30 pm the morning after, and then called it a night...

... and it wasn't until I got to school at 10 pm the next day that I even bothered to check my exam schedule, realize that my exam had actually started at nine fucking am in the morning, and, well?...

... the rest is all history, and all recorded correctly... more or less, I do believe...

That was the one year of an exception for me. For every single other year of my birthday, as far as my memory can remember, I have gotten sick both mentally and physically in all the days leading up to date of my birth. But that was the one year, the one fucking year, where I was fine up until my birthday. It was only on the day after that I become so damn miserable and so damn disenchanted with life, that I almost screwed over my entire final year of goddam fucking university as a result...

So really, the real question is, what set me off and made me snap this year? WTF?...

Previous years, I always had excuses of piss poor exam marks, failures in university courses, a brother who just didn't give a damn about anything but his own business contacts, and whatever other problems I've had with family and friends. But this year, my brother actively tried to make amends, my sister was finally coming back for a visit, my parents have been nothing but supportive, and I actually have a goddam stable job with a steady flow of income and responsibility. So what the fuck set me off? WTF?...

I don't know really, besides my own damn frustrations at not being able to ask out the girl at fucking work...

... and besides the fact that I just turned twenty fucking five, with cheaper car insurance in exchange for that ever fucking, goddam annual quarter life crisis of mine, that is...

But there was one more clue to all this, one more hint as to what set me off, that I got through all this by sheer goddam coincidence...

It was after work on my fucking birthday, after feeling good about what I shall only refer to as the first real "pseudo-date" of mine (enough so that I actually was nervous about it as the moment was fast approaching), that it was like the gods and fates decided to actually goddam test me. I was on my town bus at the time, and at a certain Blockbuster of a bus stop, I noticed that there was a fat ass wallet just sitting on an empty seat close to mine, without an owner anywhere in bloody hell sight...

All the people were leaving the bus at the time, and I wanted so damn much to just yell out to them to stop and check their pockets for their wallets, but nothing would come out of my mouth. I was frozen there really, and I don't know why. I knew what I had to do, every instinct in my body was telling me to just stop the guys from leaving so that I could return to one of them the wallet that they had apparently dropped, but nothing would come out of my fucking goddam mouth...

... not until it was almost too late, that is...

As the bus doors slammed shut and everybody who had gotten off the bus just walked away from the scene as if it nothing was wrong, that's when I just couldn't stand sitting down any longer without figuring out full well in my mind whether I was a good person or not. So I picked up that wallet, raced to the front of the bus, asked the bus driver to open the doors, and then shouted out at the top of my goddam girly ass lungs whether somebody had fucking lost their huge ass wallet or not...

... and somebody, apparently, did...

It wasn't until long after I had returned it to him safe and sound, and then returned to my bloody hell worthless seat on the bus, did I realize just what I had done, the good I had done I mean...

... fuck, it wasn't until a minute later that it finally registered in my mind, that if my heart really was made of stone, that I actually could've taken all the fucking cash he had on him then and there...

... yet the prospect never really dawned on me when push came to shove... go figure...

So yeah, it actually did make me feel a bit better on my fucking birthday perhaps, that even if I did snap during the goddam middle and midst of the week, at the girl that I've come to actually care so damn much more for than I ever thought I'd allow myself to?...

... well, that deep down inside?... I guess I'm not such a bad guy afterall...

Now sure, I'm a horny, dirty, perverted asshole, who apparently profanes in public in front of little kids every change he gets...

... a lonely cruel bastard, I may be...

... but a bad guy?... not so much...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... as in my birthday, every fucking year?...

Hell's bells, curse or not, it is...

... every fucking goddam year, it always is...

The same damn shit. Some things just never change...

... always...

Y2kk Update: Well, this weekend I did a whole lot of nothing...

... yet felt like I achieved a hell of a something...

I needed these past two days to clear my head of all the frustrations and all the fucking pussy whippings and lashings going on in my mind...

... to get some real world common sense back in the good ol' brain, you know?...

Because yes, just like with every single goddam fucking Spring, there is a new sheriff in town when it comes to my heart...

... and let's just say, this time I bit the bullet way fucking big time...

I've been dazed and confused for a long time from this, actually. I could barely think and see straight this week, without her possessing every single one of my waking thoughts. Not to mention all my thoughts when my eyes were nothing but wide fucking shut either, to be honest...

It's been frustrating, really, working under these conditions I mean. It's been hard, honestly, struggling with the case and kicking myself in the groin over this goddam groan of a dilemma, of dating a girl that I goddam work with (and fucking flirting with her in front of goddam colleagues, to boot... though unfortunately, that one is already in the books)...

And I don't know, though all this confusion, I couldn't help but think back to when I got this fucking job in the first place...

Well, I remember the initial interview, at least. I had nothing going for me at the time after losing my old job at the government. After a few botched interviews here and there and no cash in my pocket but from the goddam good ol' days, I turned to my university computer science job site and actually just submitted my comp-eng graduate resume to some goddam intern position. I didn't ever expect a call back, and yet next thing I knew, I had an interview a few days later with some noname company that I never heard of and quite frankly, couldn't care less for...

I went to downtown Toronto that interview morning more for a movie at the fucking $4.50 Rainbow Cinemas than anything else. Before that though, I did have that interview with my current employers for this intern position, and I went with the most lazy ass attitude and demeanor out of all fucking interviews I've ever been in. The thing is though, this was also the interview that I was most honest in. I laid it flat out at them when it came to Java and Javascript and all the other bullshit they spewed at me...

I told them I was no fucking wizard at that shit, but that my degree as a computer engineer speaks for itself, that I can learn and adapt and work hard when push comes to shove. I flat out told them all my weaknesses rather than promote my strengths, but I did it in such a confident way that they actually bought the notion that I was being goddam modest instead. WTF?...

Well, I left the interview with a sinking feeling in my gut, not with the illness of fear that I didn't get the job, but rather that the interviewers would actually call me the fuck back. So as I was on my way to the goddam cheapass theatre for my only real purpose of the goddam day, I actually got the ringtone back on my goddam fucking cellphone. The fuckers actually loved my honesty, loved my sense of confidence and intuition, and fucking hired me then and there just ten minutes after I had left their building. And the rest was history. WTF?...

... or at least, I assume that's all the history I've written on this website about the matter...

Truth is, when my intern contract was expiring at the end of the summer last year, I finally did get myself an interview with another place, or the government again to be specific. I knew that my current company had no real interest in retaining me, since I had done at the job exactly what I had told them flat out in my interview that I would do. That simply put, I'm a good learner and a hard worker, but that 3d applications and teeny bopper web development in Javascript was not my thing. I was an object oriented, corporate-style computer engineer and my work that summer definitely reflected all I had said in how methodical but uncreative all the shit I had produced seemed in comparison to my computer science peers. I honestly did not expect to stay at that company, so I jumped at this newfound second opportunity I got from the government...

Problem is, this wasn't the same sect and division of the government that I had worked at before. I was lucky in the prior year, being enlisted by a fellow computer engineer into a largely comfortable HR environment at the government where I got to slowly ease myself into the workplace. The issue with the new division that I was interviewing at was immediate right on first impact and impression, where I instantly noticed that everyone was walking around with sticks up their asses that were just as tight if not moreso than the financial division that kicked me out of my old job at the goddam government a few months prior...

Everyone was in a suit and tie, and I the interviewer was actually the worst fucking dressed guy in the entire office, if I do recall. The head of the department however was Chinese, and she really seemed to have faith in me, if only at first because of my nationality and education. But even so, I must plainly admit and recall, that I was goddam intimidated as hell by the fact that for the first time in my life, I was being interviewed by about seven fucking people on the panel at once. Seven fucking people for a shitty ass Network and Database administrator job? All of them wearing suits and ties and looking so much more goddam important than I will ever present myself to be in my goddam life? WTF?...

And the questions they asked were brutal, simply brutal considering how easy as hell everything was for me in actual practice at the government beforehand. I forget most of the questions they asked, although I do recall that most were situational, when it came to security breaches in terms of both network and personnel, referring to sensitive and confidential material that is. They asked me a whole bunch of crazy shit about network security protocols and proper database management, such as a step-by-step process of how to manage a replacement of a multi-server database without any disruption any real work in the office. Sure, I could mostly do it all, but still? WTF?...

Yes, I could answer those questions to some degree, but I was not prepared for this shit, and was definitely taken aback and agast by the goddam government of all places. The only question that I do remember responding with confidence and assured force, was the one about PNG images and Adobe PDFs and how best to back up confidential documents on the network. I'm sure I impressed them with all the zany 2d graphical shit that I had learned from my current intern job, and I was decent at a lot of network engineering suggestions as well. But seriously, even though the head interviewer seemed to like me at the end, I left that room with a horrible feeling in the pits of my gut, that I had just gotten schooled by seven fucking judges with gavels and sledge-hammers, all of whom were simply not interested in hiring a kid straight out of goddam university. Especially considering this was an "intermediate-turned-senior" position, or so I learned after arriving at the goddamn interview in the first place...

To my fucking surprise though, one week later, the head interviewer actually called me back. She was impressed with my poise and honesty, she said, not to mention my skills and my prior experience with government network systems. She admitted that the panel was concerned about my age and my relative lack of total work experience, but that they were willing to put me through two or three weeks of training for the job, since they were definitely most impressed with my overall potential for the job. And to be honest, if I didn't ask the all-important question right then and there and had gotten a straight answer from her after, I probably would've just taken the job on the spot. Afterall, they were offering me good fucking money at about $56K a year...

... plus the 4% in lieu of benefits...

But, umm, wait. In lieu of benefits? As soon as I heard that, I asked the hard question...

... is this a contract position I was taking?...

I know I must've sounded like a moron for not asking that question in the interview itself, but in my stupidity, I had assumed it was full time since the person I was replacing was a full time employee. But it turns out that he was merely going on a one year sabbatical to another division and position, and that I would be only given a one year contract that would be terminated immediately if the guy were to return. Now, knowing how all this shit worked with my mentor back at my old government position, I knew there would be a good chance that the guy I was replacing would never return and that I would keep my job after a year. But the thing is, after six fucking months of the government of trying to become a full time employee, only to be kicked out of the fucking office instead as a result? I was not exactly an eager fucking beaver to put myself back into the same fucking position...

And the thing was, as if fate had just chosen that day to screw around with my head, that very same morning was the morning where my manager at my current internship of a workplace actually came to me, and offered me a fucking full time job position for my "excellent" work at the company. WTF? Considering I did literally nothing there that summer except build a few useless programs that were obsolete by the time I was done, and then browsed the fucking net (not to mention chat up the bitch that I mentioned in my last Y2kk Update) for the latter half of my tenor, I couldn't help but just stare at my boss with a complete and utterly stunned look of disbelief...

... and an honest to God, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?"...

But yeah, full time. He offered me full fucking time...

...he offered me job security, what I've always wanted...

... 'cause any job security, even if at a company that was cutthroat enough to cut me at any time, was better than being on contract yet again...

Though yes, the money was worse. Far worse, actually. $45K plus only 10% bonuses versus the $56K + 4% that I would've been milking out of the goddam government?...

But for me, as I was talking to that head interviewer from the government over the cellphone while at my current workplace? The thing is, I could be released after just one year, regardless of how well I worked. I wouldn't have the benefits of sick days and vacation days, and while obviously the extra money definitely should make up for that in principle, being on contract means that I'm just never allowed to mentally relax. You drag yourself to work if you're sick, and you're constantly worried about the next guy behind you in the food chain...

And being in the government for so damn long in the company of 50-year stiffs of corporate retirement rejects, I just knew that being the lone contract man in an office full of goddam full time employees was an instant recipe for getting your ass kicked until you're simply there to bring them coffee. I've been down that road before, being the new kid on the block of old foggies, and I just wasn't willing to risk my soul by placing my pride on the line yet again...

So over a rather long and agonizing week of constant ponderings and deliberations, with my friends and my family and all that other counsel shit, I finally came to my decision, that I simply couldn't take the chance of getting my ass kicked by the suits in the government yet again...

... I chose the devil I knew... over the devil that I also knew but simply hated worse...

... the lesser of two evils, and the best of both worlds, so to speak...

Money be damned, I chose to stay with the company that actually showed some faith in me. Which strangely meant a lot to me in the end, something I never would've predicted the May before when I first got that phone call waiting in line for that goddam movie I can't even remember, you know?...

And now? Almost a year later, I'm still at that same said company, actually worried to God over the contract details I'm going to have to bring forth when it comes to my first ever annual raise. Funny how things work out in the end, I suppose...

And, yes, like the true sap of an internet poet at core and coeur that I am, I still do remember the first time I saw that girl at work that touched my heart, grasped my arteries, and squeezed my veins until I choked and knelt before the might of her goddam whip...

It was at an "All Hands" meeting, I do believe. I was an intern at the time, still obsessed over the girl I mentioned in my last Y2kk Update here on this website. I was simply standing in the middle of nowhere at the time, not giving a damn about what was being said. And then in the corner of my eye, I saw this cute Chinese girl in the most adorable of tight ass, simple as hell T-shirts. And while maybe it was all in my mind, I do declare that I remember us making eye contact with the slightest of gestures, enough so that I just knew that if I wasn't already smitten with another girl?...

... that it'd be her... that she'd be the one...

... that she'd be the one cracking the whip, taking my name, and branding my ass with that goddam seal of a scent of an irresistible smile of hers...

And, well?...

... that girl I dreamt of back last summer is long gone...

Part of the reason why I did stay at my current company, was simply to see how things would fare between this new affliction of an adorable affection of mine, as time and life and work goes on...

And as predicted? That girl really did beat me down, stripped my armour, photocopied my ass all over her goddam cubicle, and made me her goddam bitch...

... well, alas, only metaphorically speaking, that is...

How will this story unfold? How will it end? I don't know, I simply don't know...

... it started long ago, with merely a glance...

... continued with the Christmas party that should have been so much more...

... and now possesses my every waking thought and perchance to dream...

I risk ruining the so-called career I've built over this bullshit. So yeah, that's what this cleansing of a weekend has been all about for me...

... reconciling what I really want in life, just like I had to decide long and hard between those two job positions almost a year ago...

... for ay, there lies the rub...

What do I really want? Where is my meaning? Where do I go from here?...

... that has always been the million dollar question, even if my choice cost me ten fucking thousand bucks...

But at least, after this weekend? I really do feel like I have a direction, a ship to steer in life once more. While still lost, while still flustered, and while still quite a bit frustrated, contorted, dazed and confused? Still, I really do feel like I've regained some composure, and maybe found a bit more of that silent but sage inner voice of mine as well...

... but those answers, alas... at least on this website of mine?...

... are answers for another day...

Or at least, for another weekend, where I do a whole lot of nothing...

... but feel like I've learned a hell of a something...

... of who I am... and who I want to become...

... and what the fuck I'm willing to write...

Y2kk Update: Speechless...

... now, I know I haven't had much to say over the past year or so... speechless, I have been...

... but there's another reason I've been quiet, about something that I've wanted to say for a long time yet never had the guts to try...

I guess it was for the best though, logically speaking that is. Considering how it all went down...

... but yes, as always, there was a girl I was chasing...

... more like a ghost, really, now that I think about it long and hard...

... long and hard, indeed...

The thing is, there's this girl I knew from high school, or elementary school really. I never really talked to her much back then, but only because I knew she was off-limits from me. She was my brother's crush at the time, and hell, she even admitted it in the year book that she had a thing too for him. How the fuck can I ever touch and take my brother's girl? Even if they never really did lay hands on each other, to be honest...

Of course, the fact that the two of them never did hook up pretty much began her whoring years. She started dating around that time, or at least that's when I first learned that she was on the goddam free market, with goddam eyes and legs spread wide fucking shut...

I talked to her a tiny bit back then; we always knew each other as acquaintances if not friends through my brother. And I always did have a thing for her, I do admit. She started dating a ton of guys back then, and Lord knows how many fucking FOBs she went out with in university. But yeah, I always had a thing for her, and that all started a long time ago, maybe even way back in elementary school when I first met her through my sibling and shit like that...

My brother lost contact with her in university, but I managed to keep in touch. Hell, we went to the same university, and not only did we often find each other on the long commutes, but we engaged in conversation whenever we met at the bookstore or other places like the coffee shop at chance and happenstance. Now, granted she was always in the arms of another man every time we saw each other, as she seemed to always treat men as just disposable income, really. She would swoon them, make them fall for her like slaves to the stars, waste all their fucking time and effort and cash on her feminine charms, and then she'd just simply discard them as if they meant nothing to her in the fucking first place...

I used to joke with my friends on the side that she must have had a list of back-up men stemming at least six hundred guys. And I was lucky number 574 on that list, don't you know...

Yeah, she probably knew I had a thing for her. The bigger issue was, did she have a thing for me? Whenever we talked, there was definitely some chemistry there. It was almost as if we were still in high school, knowing that we couldn't touch each other because of our shared friendship with my brother, even though now in university that should have no longer been an issue. I would always make time for her, and quite honestly, she always seemed elated to find the time to speak with me...

We shared a few moments here and there, though I'm not sure if she really cared for them or not in the end. She was always such a goddam flirt and tease with every guy she knew, that I just could never never tell whether she was just beguiling me or not. All I do know, is that my so-called friendship with her lasted longer than any relationship she ever had with a man, or any other real friendship she had with a guy that I know of to this day...

I just had that gut feeling though, you know, that maybe one day I would have the guts to ask her out. At times, I even found myself the courage to call her up and fucking ask the big question, only for her to show up the next day with a new fucking boy-toy on her shoulder in tow. She always had a new man, that was never in debate or question. There was never a good time to ask, and every time she did appear with a new guy to dispose, I was simply disgusted. I didn't want to become like those poor saps holding her hand for dear fucking life, no matter how much deep down inside that I wanted to become as damn goddam blind and irrationally dumbass as they all seemed to be...

She was a goddam flirt, and I knew she was playing me like a fiddle on some level. Because of my inner logic warning me about her as a goddam gold digger and man eater, I just never had the courage to ask her to anything more than a coffee. There was nothing ever more than that, as besides, there was always a third pillar of an asshole between the both of us...

... and so we lost contact...

... we never talked...

... she left for another country...

... and I stayed here in Canada...

A year passed until by just random coincidence, I once again ran into her on the train, quite literally actually (even if she didn't realize it at the station at first). I thought it was fate, really, as what are the chances of all this coming to fruition? She had just returned from Asia, and for a long time, since I didn't see a fucking new guy on her shoulder, I thought I was finally free to make my move...

... free?... yeah, fucking right...

... wrong decision, apparently...

Because yeah, we talked. We had coffee, we had lunch...

... and after all that time, I finally learned the truth...

She indeed had a boyfriend. A boyfriend back in Asia. I was shocked to hear this, to be honest, that she was actually being loyal and faithful to a cock that she wasn't even fucking and sucking at the time. He was a rich and ambition son of a bitch, and I got the impression that he had whipped her just as fucking hard as she had whipped any softass man here in North America. Because through all the years I had known her, she had been all about being showered with love and praise and fucking money straight to her face, though I am 100% certain that that is how this fucking FOB from Asia got her approval and hand in the first place...

But something was definitely different about this relationship this time around. She was holding out for him, a guy she had already dated for a year, a guy that she had left behind in another country. Was this love then? She always claimed it was. She used to spout the L-word to everyone around her back in university, whether it was her boyfriend or the damn guy or dame she was flirting with at the bar at the time. And yet here, I could see in her eyes, that she had finally found some meaning in the word. And on some level, I cared about her too much to ever ruin that or challenge her newfound faith in her feelings...

... suffice to say, I did not want to be the home-breaker...

... I did not want to be the other man...

But in all honesty? I really did believe it to all be a facade on her behalf, that she had somehow convinced herself that she was no longer the same old abuser of men that I've known since elementary school. So yeah, I still did ask her out for coffees, I still did accompany her out to lunches. I was careful never to make my move, to never jeopardize anything with her long-distance relationship if that fucking FOB really was the man she wanted all along. But yes, in truth, I was there as the fucking back-up man yet again, just hoping deep down inside that she would leave her boyfriend finally for the man that was right in front of her goddam fucking face after all these fucking years...

Then there was this one day, where we were walking back from the mall where we had shopped. It was just a casual Fall day, the Sun was shining and all that other shit was brimming off her face. And in all honesty, she positively glowed...

And I forget what gave me the fucking urge, I forget why exactly I felt the way I did, but...

... I just looked into her eyes, and I got the strongest damn sensation to just reach out and hold her in my arms...

Now, being the eternal wuss that I am, I held back and never really made a gesture but with my eyes. But perhaps that was all that was really needed, to be honest...

... I just got this strange vibe, this strange message back from the way she looked at me...

... that yes, she really did want me to hold her in my arms...

... she wanted me... she wanted me to hold her...

... but she knew better... she knew fucking better...

... and that's when she said, "goodbye", and simply left without waiting for my reply...

From that point on? Whenever I tried to talk with her, I never got a response. I asked her to coffees, I asked her to lunches, I tried to make small talk over e-mail and MSN Messenger, but nothing would ever get through. I was dead to her. She ignored me at all costs, and while I even did go to lengths to question her as to why, deep down inside I really did know the truth, whether she would tell it to my face or not...

... or at least, I think I know the truth...

She always had a thing for me, true, or at least that's what I've always believed. But no, I was never her man...

... she really had fallen in love with that man overseas... and I indeed was jeopardizing that love...

The other man...

... fuck, I was the other man...

... she couldn't let me be the other man...

... whether she actually wanted me, or just knew that I wanted her...

... either way, she just couldn't let me be the other man...

And so she faded...

... she simply goddam faded away...

... time simply passed...

Months and months went by, actually, without a single word or response from her, as to explaining just what the fuck had happened between the both of us...

... I'm still waiting for just one fucking word from her...

... if only she had let me down gently, if only she had told me to my face, then maybe I wouldn't be as fucking goddam pissed off as I still am right now...

But it took a trip to Facebook... it took a trip to her goddam portfolio on Facebook...

... to learn the truth of what had transpired...

She really did love that man from overseas, the rich business tycoon that stole her heart apparently, the same way she teased and tore out the hearts from so many goddam guys along her wake, my own fucking beating heart included...

I mean, after all that the two of us have been through, for the past fucking fifteen or so years of our lives together as friends?...

... I had to learn through Facebook... through fucking goddam Facebook?...

... that she had gotten engaged...

... that she had gotten fucking engaged...

But no, really, I should be happy for her. She finally found love...

... I just wish she told me all that to my fucking face, that's all...

Now, I know I'm really being emo here. I know I'm just plain embarrassing myself, almost to the point of parody...

... but she was kind of special to me, you know?... after all these years, I honestly thought we had a chance...

Now sure, we never ever went out on a date or anything. And I should've been smart and logical enough not to fucking fall for it all...

... but she shouldn't have strung me along with all those coffees and walks and goddam lunches...

... not if she actually did love the man she's now readying to marry...

Though perhaps it took that one look, that one long gaze into my eyes, for her to truly realize that she did love the man she left overseas? I don't know. I just don't know, and that's what's killing me still inside...

Now, I guess when all is said and done, the two of us were never really close enough friends for me to actually get an invite to the wedding or any real shit like that. Besides, now it'd just be goddam awkward, if my version of the story is to be goddam believed...

But if only she told me? If only she had fucking goddam said to my fucking face the goddam truth, instead of feeding the goddam fucking hope that I've had for the both of us for God knows how many years of our lives?...

Fuck...

... if only she had something to say...

... if only I weren't so blind...

... if only I didn't fall...

If only... if goddam only I wasn't...

... the other man...

... if only I weren't so...

... speechless...

Y2kk Update: Wow, March has been worthless...

... absolutely goddam worthless...

Now, I know I'm sounding like a broken record here in the sense that every fucking month, I just don't have anything worthwhile to say...

But honestly? When you're working, it's not just that life passes you by?....

... it's just that life just goddam fucking sucks, as those goddam fluorescent lights at work there honestly do suck the fucking life from your soul...

But honestly, even so? Was there anything worth mentioning through the goddam painful mornings and ides of March?...

... well, there was a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls, but that was about it...

No, seriously. There was a gas shortage. And just as expected up here in Canada, the amount of sheer bitchiness that occurred over the goddam event was just plain mind-blowing...

... more mind-blowing than the prospect of a goddam fire at an oil refinery, apparently...

So, here's the 411 on the situation about the 401 highway. Thanks to a fire at an oil refinery, and thanks to the frickin' goddam freezing weather here in Canada making it a complete pain in the ass to transport gas to all the needed stations across the suburbs, my province of Ontario has had a severe gas shortage over the past couple of weeks of the month, starting from February I think...

The thing is though, what was most weird about it, was that the price of gas barely fucking increased. WTF?...

As if not to piss off consumers, the gas companies for once actually elected to keep gas prices constant at 95 cents per litre, even though demand far outstripped supply after the events of the past month of shortages. WTF?...

And as expected? Gas stations started running out of fuel. Go figure, right...

Now, I don't know if a higher price that was more accurate for the supply levels (let's say, a buck-fifty per litre) would've actually slowed down the consumption of this gas guzzling province of mine, but at least it would've made people think twice about wasting hours of gas by just lining up to the few scant remaining stations out there that still had fuel to spare...

I literally saw people pushing their massive SUV's into line-ups, waiting for a mere canister of gas that never came. Yet the prices at the stations still remained at less than a buck per litre, which insanely enough if you think about it, is less than the price of a frickin' goddam bottle of water here. WTF?...

And guess what? As predicted, people were still complaining...

Hell, I heard so many bitching and whining with their over-molested cheese, that the gas companies had "manufactured" this "fake" shortage on purpose, just so that could justify raising the price of their gas in the future. And, umm... say what?...

The fire at the oil refinery was real, for all intents and intensive purposes at least. But even so, whether it was really staged or not, who really fucking cares in the end? In the end, this month there was far less gas to go around the gas guzzling province than normal, and it's a damn real threat to our society that this can damn well happen again whenever there's another war in the middle east, or whenever our own fuel supplies (that are currently being over-exported to the US) actually start to dry out...

But no, instead of people being concerned about the current and potential gas shortage situations of the future, instead of hearing talk of actually going for better mileage cars and fuel efficient vehicles, I just heard constant moaning and whining how the gas companies are extorting everyone for their money, by instilling fear in the public to buy all their gas at a dollar a litre rather than the 50 or so cents that everyone somehow just assumed the gas should magically be goddam priced at...

Hell, there were even lobbies and protests against the government, to regulate the fucking price of gasoline down to what grown men thought the price of gas should be. Which unsurprisingly, was pretty much down there with the price of goddam Canadian beer...

Again I say, WTF?...

Because for once, the gas companies were being nice to the public, too nice as a matter of fact. They were being pure dumbasses, in my honest opinion at least, by actually keeping prices as low as they were at less than a buck a litre, when the reality of the gas shortage demanded that they raised the fucking stakes instead, even to the ire of the ides of March...

Now, I'm definitely not one to actually defend a goddam oil baron of a corporation, but goddammit people, why the fuck do you always keep thinking that you deserve cheap gas? Like I mentioned before, I've seen bottles of water go for a dollar and a half per fucking litre or more yet very few people bitch and complain about that shit, yet the price of gas here in Ontario remained at low prices during a gas shortage compared to the rest of the world (including most parts of the US), and yet still people whine about being fucking robbed by the robber-barons? WTF?...

If anything, the gas companies should've tried to stem the shortages by raising their fucking prices to two fucking dollars a pop, and forcing some of the goddam public into installing fuel efficient water boilers in their homes and buying smaller, hybrid cars from now on. I'm definitely no hippie, believe me on that, but it's a fact of fucking reality that at any moment in time, another gas shortage can and will appear. And it will absolutely cripple our economy, not to mention our day to day rush hour lives, if we are not fucking prepared for it...

But how the fuck can we ever be prepared for it, when we can't even fucking grasp the basic concept of goddam fucking supply and demand? These are fucking bankers I'm listening to, and yet still they can't understand basic Economics and Commerce 101? WTF?...

So yeah, that's about the jist of the so-called injustice of it...

... that was about it for the ides of March...

Just a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls, and that's about it...

... and a whole lot of bitching and complaining from the most dumbass commuters on the face of the planet...

Sounds like fun, now doesn't it?...

... ah hell's bells, it always is...

... goddammit, always...