Y2kk Update: Alright, time to finally vent and admit my goddam mistakes...

I mean seriously, what else is this website for? You'd think by now I would've learned my lesson and simply not write any personal stuff online, especially considering how insecure I feel about somebody reading all the shit I vent about them behind their backs. And yet, I just keep on writing, half for therapeutic reasons, and half simply because I'm afraid of truly forgetting what I've done and who I am in life. For some damn reason, I have always considered myself being goddam secure in my goddam insecureness. I also feel that for everything I do wrong, there's something I do right in there as well worth considering...

At the end of March, I finally started to wake up and realize that my friendship with the girl formerly at my work was going nowhere. I had confronted her about how distant we had become through e-mail, and asked her if she could respond back to me once or twice every other week. What I really hoped for, was that she'd start writing back to me as a friend, like once or twice a week, if I truly did mean anything to her even as a goddam friend. It's a matter of closeness really, as to how quickly you respond back to someone, hoping they return the favour in kind. But even after I told her about all this, even after I was completely direct, she simply chose to follow my guidelines to the very least she could, literally writing me only once every other week, no matter the circumstances and no matter how quickly I wrote to her back...

I was getting sick and fed up of being the nice guy here, pining over the girl. I mean, I've always realized that women do not want doormats, that "cocky and funny" and simply being "confident and assertive" should be enough to get the girl. Well, obviously I didn't achieve the outward extrovertness required to actually get the girl in this case, as she laughed in my face when I told her how I felt last June...

If she was any other woman and if she and I were in any other circumstance, I would've just cut all ties and communication with her then and there. I mean seriously, how the fuck can I ever recover from an incident like that that my face? And she never tried to make it better, she never tried to repair the damage, no matter how close I tried to get to her from that point on. She just kept on shrugging her shoulders, rolling her eyes, and dismissing my feelings as if they were a burden to her. And really, it's sad to realize this, but I was just an annoyance and hindrance to her after all these months in that regard. She's been through this so many times before, a nice guy being extra nice to her simply because he has a damn stupid crush. I can't really blame her for just seeing me as the next failed suitor in line, now can I?...

Either way, with contact from her only coming once every two weeks even after I confronted her about it, I felt like I had nothing to lose. You two readers out there know that I always seem to live in the past, that I keep on reliving the same goddam trials and tribulations of the mistakes I've made with some sort of goddam memory spasm bullshit now and again. There are just so many things that I've wanted to tell her in the past, and so many goddam feelings I've wanted to release. I remember complaining to her about the whole "Best Buy" ordeal last July, and the "Going Away Card" incident that happened shortly before she left our company at the time. As much as I still shake my head at how badly she beat me down in both of those scenarios, at least I knew in my heart that being direct with her at the time was the best thing to do to save my own sanity and conscience. I wanted that same feeling for almost everything I was holding deep down inside at her, so without really thinking about the goddam ramifications of it all, I wrote her a couple of goddam honest e-mails out of the blue...

I tried to word my paragraphs as neutrally as possible. I meant every word I said more as an apology than an accusation, but I guess my repressed and lingering anger still managed to shine through. I told her in my e-mails about three 'minor' incidents that had happened between us, and all I wanted was to get an honest explanation as to what she meant during each of those times...

The first memory I just had to get off my chest was when she came over to my desk for morning stand-up at work, and then vehemently demanded to me to "say something, say anything", though about what I still may never know. She was just so angry with me that day, she could barely look in my direction without this fire burning in her eyes. So I simply asked her in my e-mail, what did she want me to say that morning, what did she want to talk to me about that day?...

The second memory I vented out to her about was from the time when she was leaving the company, and she claimed that "I lie", with such a disappointed look on her face and in her eyes. I'll never forget that moment, simply because it broke my heart that it seemed to me like I had honestly broken hers. So I asked in my e-mails, what did she honestly feel that I had lied to her about in the past? What did she want me to be more direct and honest about when we were together before?...

The third memory on my mind that I just had to get out was the most recent incident when we met up in the underground pathway, and I was simply too hurt to talk since she hadn't contacted me for weeks by that point. I finally had the courage to write to her that I was also upset at the time that she did not remember or ask anything about my sister's wedding, even though I had sent her e-mails about it prior with the date of the event itself. When I wrote to her about all this, I meant it far more as an apology than a questionnaire. I felt horrible for holding all these repressed thoughts within myself, and I was just hoping that she would understand why I was could barely talk to her that day, that's all...

But besides these three 'minor' events, there was one final thing I just had to get off my chest to her, one final memory that was eating me up inside that I just had to get out. For months and months, since goddam August of last year to be honest, I've never been able to forget the fact that I had asked this girl out to a lunch for the first time in weeks, and she couldn't help but invite a third party of a wheel at the very last second without consulting me. This was the incident at the Red Tea restaurant, where I was subjected and rejected and humiliated into being nothing but the outsider in the conversation between the both of them...

The way I reacted that day, and the way that she didn't even seem to care about what she had done, it truly did lead to most of the problems that would separate her and I for the rest of the following months we shared together. The very week after, she apologized in person for not talking to me much the past few days, and yet she never really bothered to speak with me again for months after the fact. I revealed all this to her, about how I still remember that very day and that I still remember her apology out of the blue. I just had to know, I just had to understand, why did she apologize, and what did she truly apologize for?...

Now, I know, I know. You two readers out there probably already figured out the outcome of these goddam emo-mails of mine to her. No self-respecting man should ever drudge up old painful stories from months in the past and use them against the person that they supposedly care about, right? I know, I know, I acted like a whiny woman in my e-mails, holding things against her for so long, and then blowing up when she absolutely least expects it. And yes, I realize how oversensitive I was in those situations, how overdramatic I made every moment we shared, and how truly overly-jealous I was every single second she turned to and talked to another fucking man. Still, I figured that since she and I were barely on talking terms at the time, what did I have to lose, right? Even if she ignored me, even if she never wrote me back, it'd still show me who she really is, how she really felt, and I hopefully would become goddam indifferent to it all. That's what I was hoping for perhaps, at least...

Well, she did write me back, much to my surprise to be honest. She wrote a long letter, and long e-mail in return that honestly shook me to the bone more than I ever thought was possible. Looking back, I honestly don't know why her words affected me so much. I mean, if it's just a silly little crush on her, why did I feel so damn scared and alone? But that night, that night that I read her e-mail in return, I couldn't sleep, I honestly couldn't sleep. My friend from the States was over at the time and I was dead tired that night, but after reading her mail, I honestly couldn't fall asleep until five am in the fucking morning. I was just so frightened, I was just so goddam remorseful, and I was just so fucking embarrassed at all I had said and was told in return. I just couldn't believe I admitted everything I had written to the woman who responded back like she did...

When I wrote my e-mails, like I said before, I was obviously still angry about a lot of these moments from our past, but I meant everything I said more as an apology than anything else. I was sorry that I held these things from her, and I was trying to prove to her (and prove to myself, to be honest) that I could be direct and honest with her from this point on. I wanted to prove to her that things could change, I guess, as this was really my last chance to speak with her if things did not improve. She had told me to "say something, say anything" all those months ago. And while I realize that it's foolish and dumbass for a man to follow-up on her words after all those silent weeks had already passed, I just couldn't help myself. I thought I had nothing to lose, but apparently I still fucking did...

She had told me long ago to "say something", and she was so angry while telling me that, as if I had hurt her somewhere dear so fucking badly. But now, in her e-mail in return, she claimed she doesn't even remember the incident, and that it obviously wasn't important if she didn't. She was just trying to be nice by telling me to forget about it, but even after her comments, not asking her about it at the time has become one of the biggest regrets in my life. Now I suppose I'll never know what she truly meant back then and what she was holding inside that morning, and now I'll for certain forever regret not having the guts to ask her what was wrong that day...

As for the "you lie" part? That's where she started sounding angry herself in her e-mail, calling me "oversensitive" and insecure and all the usual stuff that she's insulted me with in the past. The thing is, she never even bothered to comment on the lies that I had told her and possibly hurt her with in the past, even though I was essentially asking for forgiveness for those. Instead, she made a cutting comment that every time she asked me in the past if I was okay and I claimed that I was, I was lying since obviously I was never actually fine. Now, I can't argue with that logic because yes, that does constitute as lying. It's just that, I wish she actually did address the issue I had asked at hand (unless that was the only truth on her mind), rather than just using it against me to attack me back now...

For the underground pathway meeting bit, all I got were more attacks from her, claiming I had no guts and confidence to tell her what was bothering me at the time. I can't argue with that, now can I? I may have been trying not to incite a confrontation at the time, especially over something as worthless to her as remembering my sister's wedding. But if I really didn't want to accuse her of ignorance and negligence back then, then why would I bring it up now months later when I should've just dropped the issue long ago? I'm not saying she wasn't right in pretty much everything she wrote back to me in her long e-mail, it's just that I wish she did it in a way that considered the way I felt...

I keep on trying to convince myself that I meant those e-mails that I sent to her as an apology. I just wanted to get things off my chest to her, let her know the truth, and to be able to know how she truly would react to the way I felt about things. I wanted to know exactly who she is deep down inside, and it guess it really did scare me when I honestly did learn the truth. I won't bother getting into the details of what she said about the incident at the Red Tea restaurant or about her apology the week after, although from her wording, I could really painfully tell that I had annoyed and aggravated her so much with the words that I had sent her first. Before I had fatefully pressed that "send" button in my outbox, I had dreams and hopes that instead of hating me in return or simply showing her usual blind indifference, that she would realize that while I'm being pathetically insecure all over again, that I am trying to make a difference in terms of honesty, that I am trying to apologize in my own way. But I was a fool for believing that, I now honestly don't know what I was thinking...

I never meant to attack her with my comments, I never actually meant to accuse her for things. But she took it that way, and I can't really blame her for that, now can I? She told me in my e-mail that she can read between the lines, that she can see how I'm emotionally manipulating her, and that she doesn't owe me an explanation whatsoever. And to be honest, thinking back to what I wrote to her, I now really do see her point that I did sound like I was trying to hurt her, that I was trying to make her feel guilty. But when I wrote what I did, that was never my intention, though all because I don't intend to hurt someone, doesn't excuse me from the guilt that I still deserve. I obviously annoyed her badly with the e-mails that I sent out to her, and she even hinted in her e-mails that maybe this was the end of our friendship...

I was just so terrified and embarrassed after receiving her response, you know? I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I could barely even breathe. I had one of those epiphany moments later that night, the kind of which you feel like you're floating out of your body, realize just how woefully pathetic you truly are, and then scream "HA HA" at yourself as you face palm your own forehead. What on earth made me honestly believe that she would be forgiving to the whiny ass e-mail I sent to her? I suppose I was dreaming that if she really did have a latent crush on me, if we shared any sort of connection, that she would realize that I'm in pain instead of just increasing the embarrassment further. That simply was not the case in the end, however. I sent her those e-mails to see what kind of woman she truly is. Now I suppose she truly knows just what kind of man I am, and now I guess I do understand why she claimed long ago that she and I were not right for each other...

I'm not an utterly idealistic "nice guy" or anything. I've proven time and time again that I have my own asshole qualities, and I'm realistic enough to notice in my other geek friends' relationships that you can't let the girl walk over you like a doormat, that you can't worship them high on a pedestal as if you "only want to make them happy". At the same time though, it's only natural for a man of good nature to suddenly be even more kind and gentle and thoughtful to a woman whom he has feelings for. I don't blame myself for actually believing that this so-called girl of my dreams would reciprocate the same feelings I felt so damn strongly for her, as it's only human nature for a 'nice guy' to dare to dream. And I guess, that's why in the end, I don't regret writing her those two emo-mails, and I guess that's why I can't blame her for writing what she wrote back in return either. I am who I am, and she is who she is. Her response, it was a big wake-up call for me really. I still do care about her, but it was simply the final nail in the coffin for realizing that she truly does not feel the same way about me at all...

So what now? Where do I go from here? My birthday was April 20th, the day before hers, and I never got an e-mail from her whatsoever. I sent a birthday wish to her the following morning anyhew, barely got a three worded response back, and then I simply didn't care anymore. If she can't even remember the birth date of a "friend" the very day before her own, and if she doesn't even give a damn about that very same friend taking the time to remember her own birthday (even after the e-mail she had sent back a few weeks before)? Then what am I doing, bothering to try to win her hand and smile and sympathies? It was just another wake-up call, that's all. It was yet another further embarrassment, how I was putting her up on a pedestal and dreaming of a woman who was never actually real in the first place. My feelings for her didn't die or anything, but my perspective on her definitely started to narrow into something real. She simply is not the kind of woman I can deal with, not if she never finds moments and dates like goddam birthdays as important as I do...

And that was it, that was the end of it. I honestly thought that would be the last time I would hear from her. I mean, what else had to be said? I laid my cards on the table, I exposed to her literally everything I was and hoped for, and I put my goddam pride on the line to try to prove to her that I honestly do care. And what I did get in return, while perfectly honest and direct (and I thank her for that), it was simply not the response I was hoping for from a person that actually cares about my feelings. I appreciate the fact that she was so open and blunt. In a sense, that was her own way of showing that she cared. She just didn't care in the way I had hoped after all this time. If she ever wanted me, she would've taken me long ago when I felt the feelings were once there. There was nothing in it for me now, I didn't even think she could be my friend if she couldn't remember my own goddam birthday. So that was it, that was the end of it. I had heard and learned everything I needed to, and I was finally ready to move on. I honestly thought that would the last time I would ever hear from her again...

But she's always full of surprises, isn't she? And yeah, I admit, I was definitely caught off guard last week at the start of May, when all of a sudden and out of the blue, she started e-mailing me every single day of the week. I didn't and still don't understand why she would do such a thing. Perhaps she was just trying to make me docile and plant me under her thumb yet again, although I did get from her first e-mails a sense of remorse and guilt in her wordings. As much as she claims to be honest and direct, there's also a side of her that absolutely hates to be the bad guy. I don't think she has any feelings for me, I think she's just trying to accomplish what I did with my e-mails and simply satisfy her conscience. Still, it was nice to hear from her every single day again like we used to when I thought we were close. But I seriously doubt she will keep this up. Right now, I just can't trust her in that regard, and I don't know how long or how many letters from her it will take to win back that trust...

I still care for her. Even after that e-mail and all the silence, I still care for her far too much. She's still on my mind every morning and every night, but I know none of it is actually real. I still think of her every time I get turned on by another woman, which is sad enough to say let alone goddam live. I was surprised when I got her first e-mail last week, and was honestly quite happy by the third. But it's all a fleeting and sinking feeling, not knowing whether she's trying to make me feel better, or just concentrating on how she feels internally for her own self. Objectively, she's a great woman and there are still so many things I admire and adore about her. We both value the concepts of honesty and openness, but we just express it in such different ways that I don't know what I really want anymore. She told me long ago that we two weren't right for each other, and she told me in her response l that perhaps we shouldn't even talk to each other anymore. I don't know if I want to go down that path just quite yet, but that already was the way things were heading when I first sent her those two e-mails of mine...

And yeah, I know, I know, still thinking about all this e-mail emo bullshit is the wrong fucking way to ever get a girl. I know the story, I know the drill, "cocky and confident and funny" is what always gets the ladies riled up, especially if you're half an asshole to get your point across. Maybe one day, whether I want to be that person or not, I will become that bitter and jaded man. But for now, still in the present day, I am confident in my complete lack of self-confidence. I am who I am, and I am proud that no matter how pathetic I may sound to myself and the outside world, I still do what in my heart I truly do feel is right. I can't blame her for responding to my e-mails like she did, I can't hate her for my own unrealistic expectations and dreams. Whether she will continue to write me and we will continue to be friends, I don't know. I just know that it was for the best in the long run to get all these feelings out like we did, even after all these months later than we should have...

It's been a month and a half since I got her e-mail, it's been a month and a half since I couldn't sleep until five in the morning. And yeah, in retrospect, as goddam pathetic as I must sound to you two readers out there for writing to her what I did, I honestly do think that venting to her and only her really did help. I still think of those memories and situations from time to time that I had mentioned and written about, but they no longer make me cringe, they no longer haunt me and make me suffer the way they once did. I now know how the girl from my work truly did feel about those moments, and now I truly do know how she really does feel about me. The feeling of guesswork and uncertainty is finally gone, and yes, I suppose in the end, it was worth it all to get all this off my chest to the one person who I felt at the time that I could actually trust...

I don't know if this is finally the end of the story between the both of us. But in the end, I guess it no longer matters. Unless she and I both drastically change, then I suppose it really is true, that she and I will never be right for each other. Neither as friends, nor as anything more like I had once so often and so naively goddam dreamed...

It doesn't mean I don't care about her still. It doesn't mean I'll start denying my long-standing and ever lingering goddam feelings...

... but at the least, it does feel a bit better to finally have everything I harboured against her off my chest...

... it's good to know finally how she reacts and how she truly feels...

This is the very sense of relief that I wish I had felt last June, when I first told her my feelings...

... and finally, in the here and now, after all these months later?...

... well, she didn't laugh at me, but I guess I did...

... all good things...

Y2kk Update: Wow, am I ever fucking goddam sick...

Like I wrote in my last update, my brother and sister came over for my birthday, both sick as fuck in the stomach and throat. I was happy at the time, they sacrificed their health to be with me for my birthday, so that I wouldn't feel abandoned and alone like I do every single fucking year...

Problem is, I got infected by them and infected real bad. To be honest, I don't know when was the last time I've been this sick. I'm still a complete wuss in terms of physical activity, but I actually do sit-ups and push-ups and some blips of jogging from time to time, thinking that will actually improve my health somewhat. And maybe it has, as while I've been sick often during the past year or so, it's rarely ever been severe. But after this fucking fever I still fucking have, I best be getting that goddam flu shot that I refused to take for the past couple of years. I don't really have anything against the flu shot to be honest, I'm just too lazy to wait in a doctor's office for the goddam needle. I never felt like I needed it before, but if it could've helped me with this goddam sickness I have now, then I better get on with every fucking preventive measure I can get...

Normally when I'm sick, I end up coughing only when I'm on my two feet, usually with a horrid dry cough that keeps me drinking as much water as possible. But what has made this flu I've had so damn devastating this time around, is the simple fact that I keep on goddam coughing when I try to fucking sleep. Normally whenever I lay down when ill, that's the only time I can breathe properly and relax. Not this time however, as starting from Thursday night after my return from the Raptors game, every fucking time I lay my head down to rest, I start coughing up a storm and can barely keep my eyes closed without tears starting to stream down my face. It's ridiculous how little sleep I've gotten over the past fucking week. WTF?...

Thursday I had about three or four hours of slumber through my fever, and Friday I probably only got a goddam couple of hours of actual deep sleep in throughout the night. Saturday was the worst, as I couldn't even really sleep at all that evening whatsoever. Every single time I did doze off, I'd cough and literally wake up five minutes later. Sure, at first I felt "rested" since I dozed off at least a hundred times, but without the chance for any deep REM slumber, I literally felt dead on my knees by the time Sunday afternoon came rolling about...

I've tried so many home remedies during this time, or at least my father has shoved as many as he can think of down my throat. He's obsessed with Chinese herbal medicines, and he gets so angry at both himself and at me whenever they turn out to be lies that don't fucking work. He thinks that any random shit that he hears delivers miracles should cure me instantly, but that's just not how it works, especially when most of his herbal crap just makes me cough out harder and longer than before. He's gotten frustrated because apparently, by not believing in his goddam voodoo magical pills, I'm keeping myself sick while wasting all his money on medicines that really do work, or at least they do in his own mind. How is that I'm on two fucking hours of sleep here, and I'm getting blamed for not doing my job at getting better by my father? WTF?...

There are a few things that have helped to keep my cough under some sort of control. I tried sleeping upright one night, and that worked for maybe an hour or two, only for me to violently cough sometime later and bang my head hard and painfully against the wooden board on my bed. I better remember to try it on a recliner next time I do that, but I don't think I will attempt to sleep upright again unless I'm desperate. I didn't get any actual good sleep that way afterall, but at least it was a start. It helped to keep all the goddam mucus from building in my throat right away, for a brief moment in time at least...

The things that have helped me? Well, breathing steam from a humidifier helps to calm me down and relax my muscles, but like sleeping upright, it's only a matter of time until my body coughs and wakes me up violently all over again. The real way I actually did manage to get some goddam sleep, was a three pronged mix of a cup of orange juice first (which helps with both a wet and dry cough, in my experience), followed by a nice hot serving of honey lemon tea (the honey is especially useful for soothing the throat), and if required after all the relaxation attempts I could try, I always finally managed to fall asleep when I had a Cherry Halls in my throat...

I didn't think it'd work at first, a bunch of drinks that would keep me pissing up at night, along with essentially a piece of candy that I can choke on while it's melting in my mouth. But by keeping the Halls outside my teeth on the skirts of my gum, while obviously that couldn't have been healthy for my dental plan in the end, it kept my throat soft and manageable until I could finally and comfortably get to goddam sleep. It was the only thing that worked, and thank God I found something that did give me six or so hours of proper rest at night...

Of course, in the meantime, my father is completely upset at me for ruining his image of Chinese medicine by taking all these bastard remedies from the West, or at least that's what they are in his eyes. He can't stand that I claim Orange Juice helps soothe the throat when dried orange peels no longer do the trick for me. He shakes his head at the blasphemist thought of lemon honey tea actually working wonders for relaxation, even though he himself pours tons of honey into the herbal tea mixes that he loves to shove down my throat. And as for the Halls, he thinks that by taking that stuff, I'm ruining my body's delicate balance and immune system. Maybe it is, I dunno, but it's the only damn thing keeping me sane and asleep during the long restless night, so I don't fucking give a shit. This has been the worst fucking flu I've had in ages, and I'm just happy if I can get any fucking rest at all...

And of course, you two readers out there know that throughout the thick and thin of it all, while I'm coughing and hacking away at all the goddam phlegm in my throat, that I've also been goddam depressed over you know fucking who. Being dead in both bed and on my two goddam feet, I've had a lot of time to think to myself, and there's only one fucking person that keeps popping in and out of my goddam delirious mind. I wish I didn't think of her, I wish she wasn't the first and last person I thought of every single fucking day. The image I have of her in my mind, it's not even real, it's not even of the real her who flat out rejected me and laughed in my face almost a fucking year ago. But I can't help but keep her in mind during this fragile time, as it was one year ago from this day that I was going out on what I thought were dates with her. It was one year ago that I thought I had a chance at having my first ever girlfriend, of being happy for once that I found someone that I can care about and be with. One year down the road, instead of her, all I have is this goddam flu. How the fuck depressing is that?...

It's been hell for me this past fucking month. Whether I can't sleep from the fever, I can't get to sleep from my cough, or if I stay up awake and restless all night because I'm thinking and reeling from you know fucking who, the month of my birthday has exacted a terrible toll on my goddam soul. But finally it's over, the month is finally over, and hopefully this fucking flu of mine will be over soon too...

In the meantime, everything still seems to remind me of her and only her...

... especially how right now, I feel like such total fucking shit...

The more things change, the more things stay the same...

... just like last year, I'm still just as goddam alone...

A year ago, I had hope, false fucking hope. Thinking back, it makes me sick to the stomach...

... and now, I'm just plain fucking sick...

I just want it to be over. Maybe soon, it will be over...

... I'm just so tired... tired and so goddam restless...

Y2kk Update: I don't know if this right or wrong, for better or for worse, but it's almost like I feel nothing...

My birthday was just the other week, and objectively speaking, I guess I can't have any real complaints. My sister and brother came over, as sick as they were they still came over to see me, which is good and what I selfishly wanted. Of course, now I'm also horridly sick with absolutely the worst fucking flu I think I've had for years, but what was most important to me was to not be forgotten on my birthday. They made a sacrifice for me, and they did it to make me happy, if only for a short while. Now, if only I can get to sleep with this god-awful, life-sucking cough of mine, maybe I can start feeling something real all over again...

My brother for my birthday got me tickets to Game 3 of the Toronto Raptors and Orlando Magic series, and I can't thank him enough for that. It was the gift that I wanted, and if only I wasn't sick as fuck on the game day in question, I would've been completely elated to be cheering my lungs out for the sake of the team. And despite my condition, despite my throat and lungs feeling like they were burning in hell, I cheered my heart out anyways and helped the Toronto Raptors get their only win of the goddam playoffs series. It was a great game to be at, despite my condition, and it was one of the few times in the past fucking few months that I actually felt anything in my life. I've been so cold and distant, not just from myself but from others as well, all from this goddam winter and from the girl at work hurting my heart like noone else can...

My best friend from high school had also come to visit me at the start of the month, and that also did mean a lot to me. He came at the beginning of April, and that included the date of his actual birthday. It was kind of strange but also flattering, how he actually came up all the way from the states to be with me instead of his family on his birthday, but that's how much I mean to him as a friend and I appreciate him for that. We had fun together, we went to movies and all the stuff we used to do as friends back in high school, and it was a fun vacation and diversion from the shitfest known as work. But while he was here, on the very day after his birthday, that's when things went to total hell for me, as that's when I got the message from hell from the goddam girl at work. I couldn't sleep that evening at all, it was all like some horrific precursor to my sleepless nights now that I'm so goddam sick and coughing. Back then though, it was just damn fear and remorse and guilt that was keeping me up at night, but that's all a story I'll save for another day when I'm finally ready to write about it on this goddam website of mine...

The thing is, I've been hesitant to talk about the girl at work for quite some time now, simply because everytime I do, I get yelled at or yell at myself for doing so. For my coworker at work who I used to tell all my stories to, it was months ago that I stopped whining and grating to him about the girl at work, simply because he didn't care to listen anymore. While at first that irritated me to no end, to have to bottle up all my feelings like I did, I also thought it might be for the best. I keep this girl alive in my heart by constantly making her real, by constantly talking about her as if she was real. But the girl I hold dear in my thoughts and mind, she's not the real woman who's been a terror to me in real life, she has no real relation to the woman who doesn't give a fucking shit about me in reality. By not talking about this dream girl of mine, by never mentioning her to my coworker or my friends or by writing about her on this website of mine, I thought that maybe I could let the dream finally just goddam die. I thought that by ignoring the problem, by pretending like this girl doesn't exist (because the one in my mind does not), that I can finally be free and just forget about everything that's happened to me. But so far, no fucking luck...

It's like the complete opposite intended effect has happened to me instead. It still seems that the only person that I think of is her, and not the real her from work, but the dream girl that I keep hoping will care about me and take me goddam back. And in the meantime, I've been cold and unfeeling and callous to everyone else around me, every person in my life who's actually real. Whether they be friends or relatives or goddam family, at times I feel like they don't even exist to me, simply because they can't seem to feel my pain or my goddam emo-ness when it comes to this goddam girl who does not exist. I want them to comfort me, at times I almost pray for the sympathy card. I want to be told that all this in my mind is real, that I'm not crazy and that there really is hope for her and I yet. But no-one would ever tell me that, not even myself, simply because none of it is real. Three weeks ago, when my friend was here for his birthday and the so-called girl of my dreams e-mailed me back, that's when I got my reality check, that's when I got my dose of unfortunate goddam reality. And it hurt, it really did, but she opened my eyes to the truth. It needed to be done, and there's no turning back now...

In my last update, I said I needed to pick up the pieces of my fragmented life and just move on now. I've been struggling to move forward, I've been finding it so hard to wake up in the morning with any sort of motivation or vindication and get on with my life. I don't know if I truly did care for this woman, I don't know if I ever did goddam love her, but it certainly feels that way at times. Whether it was all real or fraudulent in my head, I can't fucking tell. I've gone goddam insane, both for her and for the goddam dreams I wished we shared. I just want it all to be over now though, you know? I just want to get back to reality, start appreciating who and what I have in my life, and become the man I used to be...

Because for now? Right now, I still don't know how I should feel...

... all I do know, is that by saying nothing, I feel nothing...

I don't know whether I should still write about her or not, to legitimize the false hope or not...

... all I do know, is that I still think of her night and day, but I just don't want to waste my time anymore...

Without her, I have almost nothing to goddam write on this website any longer...

... except for one more update, one last update, whenever I'm ready to tell the story...

I just want it to be over though, you know? I'm so fucking tired of it all...

... I just want to get some goddam sleep...

Y2kk Update: Well, I sure as hell have been in a pissy mood...

Chalk it up to a long, horrible winter maybe. Or maybe it's just been the fallout from the goddam girl at work. But yes, I've been in a horrible mood for the past couple of months, if not longer than that. And it's not just the usual type of mood swing I go through this time of year, the kind that makes me write incredibly long download updates that nobody will ever read. No, instead, I've been in some sort of depressive funk where not only do I barely eat anything, not only do I have absolutely zero drive or ambition to do anything with friends, but I don't even seem to have the urge to write on my goddam website for once. WTF?...

It's been a hellish past couple of months for me, internally with my emotions and all that other bullshit. For the girl at work, I've got a thousand different stories to tell, with the most depressive one happening too recently and too freshly in my mind to discuss at this point in time. Those updates will wait for a later day, when I'm actually ready to discuss and record them here for you two readers out there. In the meantime though, I've got to say that I've lost all sense of focus and direction at work, and it's not just because of the horrible mismanagement at my shitty ass company. Sure, they've given me absolutely zero decent work to do during the past couple of months, but even if they did, I don't know if I would've had the actual motivation to have done a goddam decent job at it all...

I've been so pissed off during the past so months, not just at myself but at my coworkers as well. And I'm not just talking about the coworkers I hate, but the few friends I have at my company as well. For this one guy, we've gone to lunches together for the past couple of years. Lately though, he just hasn't seemed receptive to anything I've said. I used to complain about the girl at work to him all the time, until he got sick of my whining and ranting and bullshitting the whole way through. Eventually, I held those stories to myself and he seemed better from the silence for the most part, but lately for the past couple months he's gone completely cold in my direction. I don't know why or if he's even doing this intentionally, but everytime he's around me, he no longer bothers with smiling or saying pleasantries or just being generally polite. He's been a complete asshole to me, yet when other coworkers are around, he laughs and jokes and generally seems like a much nicer fucking guy. Why the fuck is he completely ignoring me then? There have been so many times I've asked him a question, and he doesn't even bother to respond. WTF?...

He used to be a great listener. But as soon as I stopped feeding him stories that he claimed he didn't give a shit about, then he closes himself off to me as well? Or perhaps I'm just being moody, it's possible I'm just seeing things that aren't there, even though this problem with him has been happening for the past fucking month or two. So I did call him on it, when I was sick the other day I actually called him out on it. At lunch when it was just the two of us, I actually asked him if he had a problem or that anything was bothering him, and I told him I was getting concerned at how distant he had become. He claimed nothing was of the matter, and he quickly tried to change the subject. I don't know if everything was fine, as sometimes it does seem like he acts like a complete jackass to me simply because we've become close enough that he thinks it wouldn't bother me. Either way, with the way things have gone shittier and shittier in my life the past few months, him turning from a close friend to just another coworker is not what I exactly had in mind...

And as for my other close coworker, probably my only other friend at the company? The thing is, I hate how I seem to have some sort of smug superiority complex, but I can't help but be overprotective of the guy. He's a great worker, he does twice the amount of work I do in about half the amount of time. But he just doesn't know when to say no to management, he just seems to make so many wrong decisions when it comes to standing up for himself in the office. For the past month, management has been coming directly to his desk, ignoring me in the process as if they already know my answer to what they're going to ask. And they keep asking him to do them favours, favours that extend into overtime hours but without the benefit of any added pay. Of course my coworker complies with it all, especially after we both got our respective raises and everything. But really, on certain nights like Valentine's Day when my partner already had made evening plans, management made him work ten or more fucking hours and yet my coworker never said a fucking word. He missed his date until much later at night, and for what, the goddam CEO of our shitty ass company spitting in his face? WTF?...

The problem I'm having myself, is that I can't keep my overprotective emotions in check. Technically, my coworker is a grown adult and older than I am, with more work experience and pretty much the same university education. So really, I shouldn't be thinking or saying anything to him that makes me sound like a manager, but it was pissing me off for a month how all the favours that he was doing for the top brass not only were keeping him in the office far past the eight hours he's actually paid to do, but he was falling behind on the actual work that he and I had actually been assigned in the first place. I admit, maybe part of my reason for condemning him at times over this whole situation is perhaps my own insecurities and jealousy, considering management now seems to love him as the apple of their eyes instead of me. But really, would I want to work twelve hours certain days just to impress those assholes? And day in, day out, my coworker kisses their asses straight to their faces and never tells them 'no', even when he has the fucking right to do it. I feel so bad everytime I essentially act like a mini-manager and tell my partner to stand up for himself, but I just can't stand seeing him get abused and taken advantage of like he is...

But hey, it's his choice, right? I guess what bugs me the most, is that I thought he valued my opinion. But no matter what I say or contest in this matter, he treats me more like a nag than a true voice of reason. He's a grown adult and he can do whatever he chooses to do. But really, not once has he seemed to take my advice seriously to heart. I guess I just feel a bit ignored and underappreciated then, that's all...

I can't say the past few months have really been hard on me, not rationally and objectively that is. But with everything still happening with the girl at work, and with my most trusted friends both in the office and outside the workplace giving me a hard time? With my own siblings starting to ignore me for their own separate lives, I can't help but feel cold, abandoned and alone at times. It's been a long and harsh winter, and I've felt horrible physically and emotionally throughout the thick and thin of it all, especially after this past week being ill and everything. But it's almost over, finally it's all almost over, or at least I can hope I'm almost out...

It's time to pick up the pieces of my life and start moving forward once again...

... whatever the hell that means, and wherever the hell that actually leads...

For the past few months, ever since the girl at work left the office, I haven't just felt horrible inside...

... I've also been a bad person, I've also completely not been myself...

But now, it really is time to move on...

... now, it really is time to forgive and forget and appreciate what I do have...

It's almost my birthday, afterall...

... I'm always depressed before my goddam birthday...

Y2kk Update: It's weird, really. How I've been running into so many of my old ex's recently....

Well, they're not really ex's. I've never dated, right? They're just old crushes, old flames of mine who never returned the feeling. Still, it's strange how I've run into so many of them this past month and this past month alone. Just an odd coincidence, really...

In my last update, I mentioned how I ran into both the sexual harassment bitch from my government job, and how I met up with the girl I had a crush on from that very same time period. It's strange really, how I ran into the very two women who affected my life most from that time period, both within a span of a week of one another. Obviously, I cringed in pain from the two or three times I did catch a glimpse of the sexual harassment girl, considering she was chatting and cheating and feeling up some new random guy each and every time I saw her in the underground pathway. But as for the girl who I actually did care for at the time, my brother's old high school crush before he moved on? I dunno, it was just eye-opening to see her again, to realize just how indifferent I truly felt for her at this point in time, except for the pity I now had for her in my heart. I couldn't help wondering to myself, how could I have cared so much for her back then, only to care so little now?...

The way emotions and feelings work me over and completely alter my entire perception of things, sometimes I wonder if I really should take the more rational and logical point of view in life. Take for instance the "sexy hair" girl, my first ever crush, back in elementary and high school. I thought I had liked her for so many years of my life, only to finally have a Grade 11 science project with her as a partner, and realize just how wrong she had always been for me in the first place. I never saw her in the same light after that, and that includes the random time I did see her again just the other week as well. She was dressed in a business blouse and skirt but completely looked out of place while scuttling to the subway. She was an athlete before, she had an honest smile to her whenever she would talk about sports. Here she was though as just another random fish swimming in the sea of suits, and I couldn't help but be reminded of just how dumbass my crush on her was all those years ago...

There was one other old flame of mine that I ran into recently, on more than one occasion really. She was probably my strongest crush out of them all, until at least the girl at work who I'm still trying to get over. This blonde haired woman was my obsession, and to this day I still don't know why I cared so much for her. She was always cruel to me, spiteful and ignorant. She would do nothing but ignore me, or roll her eyes whenever I would try to impress her with whatever dumbass tricks I would try. But for some damn reason, I will never forget the sense of regret I had in not asking her to dance at the graduation formal. For some goddam reason, that single fucking moment in my life still haunts me to this very day, and as a result, I still do honestly think of my old high school obsession from time to time...

This past month was the first time I've seen her for God knows how long. I had heard that she spent some years over in Japan, teaching English and fucking some random guy she met at university. I never expected she would be back so soon, but there she was at the train station, looking almost identical to the way I remembered her in my mind. She and I, we did make eye contact but nothing more. I had nothing to say to her, and to be honest, I didn't want to mince words with her whatsoever. I was over her, it had taken years to get over her but I had finally done the deed. I had no interest in opening old wounds, especially since I still have no fucking reason why I fell for her in the first place. So I saw her at the train station just standing there at least three times in the past month, but I never said hello and I never even bothered to wave in her direction. I just pretended like I didn't recognize her, which is probably for the best. She was never kind to me in the past, she never fucking gave a damn, and there was absolutely no point in making things awkward by trying to speak with her once again...

There was a different sense that I got from seeing her again than all the rest. For the sexual harassment girl, for a woman I swore I never wanted to see again, I took great pleasure and delight in casting an evil one-eyed glare in her general direction one last time. For my brother's old crush, I felt pity and sympathy for her situation in my heart, and just a lingering regret that I wish things could have turned out differently between the both of us. For the "sexy hair" girl who I barely know even after ten or so years of exposure, I cared nothing for her except a general wince of disgust at how awkward she looked in a skirt. And as for my old high school obsession? I dunno, but I had the feeling of disgust, a feeling I got from within myself and directed at myself. Seeing her again, I couldn't believe that I had fallen for her before, and simply did not want to give myself a second chance to fall for her once again...

It's strange though, how I've met up with all these women from my past all over again, all in the same month...

... all in the same month that I've been trying my damn fucking hardest to get over the most recent girl on the list...

I just honestly wonder what my reaction will be, five years down the road...

... when I see the girl from my work all over again, one last time...

Will it be regret? Will it be remorse? Indifference? Disgust?...

... or will I sadly fall for her all over again?...

This past month, it's just been weird and eye-opening, that's all...

Y2kk Update: It's been a while since my last update. Guess just like before, I've lost my interest in writing...

My desire to update this download site of mine seems to follow the same determination and path as my dreams do. For months and months, I had dreamed of the girl at work, quite literally whenever I went to sleep. We were always there together, hand in hand, whenever I closed my eyes. And in my dreams, it's like the both of us being a couple was simply a fact taken for granted. We were always together when I was asleep, always aware of one another, just not always happy with the other. But lately, she's disappeared from my visions, as if she completely vanished like an apparition from the night. Just the other time, I can remember searching for her endlessly in every single scene and scenario I found myself in, but she never once appeared. It wasn't until I awoke that I realized just what happened, and how pathetically broken and lonely I've become over the past few months...

In an interesting twist of fate though, I've ran into some old crushes of mine, or at least women from my past. For some bizarre reason, the goddam girl who wanted to sue me for sexual harassment at the government? Well, she was back and with a vengeance, haunting the hallways of the underground pathway where I normally walk on my way back from work. The first time I saw her there, she and I just exchanged this staredown of a horrid glare as her Chinese boy toy simply nodded his head in silent agreement with me. He knew that she was a bitch, which explains why he wasn't there the following week when I saw her again. Instead, she had some jakked white guy as her arm-candy this time around. The poor sap actually looked happy, a feeling I knew would definitely not last long. She seemed happy there too at first, but that didn't stop her from giving me the same damn bitchy stare in the end she did the week before. Some things just never change...

The bigger encounter I had was with the last girl that I had strong feelings for. I forget what I used to call her on this website of mine, but she used to be my brother's old crush back in high school. As for me, I got to know her perhaps a little too late, as she was already seeing someone overseas by the time I started going out for coffees and lunches were her. A couple months before I started talking to the girl at work that I currently still am infatuated with, that's when this other girl suddenly ceased all communication with me, refusing to respond to any of the messages or e-mails I sent her way. I eventually learned that she got engaged with that man she met overseas, and I suppose she just didn't want to spend any more time with a guy that was never anything more than a random backup in her life...

For the first time in almost two years, I ran into her again on the train. She was looking much more frail and somehow much less happy than she seemed before, and talking to her directly, trusting her words at face value, I guess you wouldn't really figure out why. Apparently, not only did she just get a promotion at work this past January, but she also finally got married to her boyfriend from the Philipines as well. When she talked about her wedding though, there wasn't the same look in her eyes of swooning that my sister gets everytime she thinks back to her big day. Instead, for this girl I used to walk half an hour for just to treat to tea and lunches, she simply shrugged off her wedding memories and barely even mentioned anything about her new husband. She didn't seem happy at all, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But what can I really do, right?...

Some that I've told this story to have suggested that perhaps this was an arranged marriage for her, that she had gone overseas in the first place to meet the man who would eventually become her husband. I don't know really, I may never know the truth, I just remember how devastated I was at the time when she first stopped talking to me. I knew back then that nothing could happen between the both of us, but I kept hoping for the slightest of chances anyways. Almost two years have passed since the day, and what I found most revealing was that, besides feeling some sympathy for her current plight? I felt nothing for her, I really felt nothing. Everything I used to feel for her, was gone...

I used to have such strong dreams for the both of us, though I never did literally dream of her once. Now, it's true that the way I feel about the current girl in my heart is just so much stronger than it ever was for any other woman, but in the end, I wonder if that even matters? I once had strong feelings for this girl as well, enough so that I really did think there was at least a chance that she and I could've hooked up if not for her eventual husband. And yet now, just two years down the road, I feel nothing but a requiem of sorrow and pity for her. I've completely forgotten everything about her that I ever did once like, and I just have to ask myself, is the current girl that I keep thinking and pining for, really no different in the end?...

That's been bothering me, lately. What if nothing I feel is really real? I keep dreaming that this girl has the potential to be the one, but what if that's just my own naivete talking? What will happen five years down the road, when I very well may meet the right girl for me, and she finds out everything I once said and thought and did for this girl at work that never even returned my messages? Two years down the road from now, will I simply look back at everything I feel right now, and feel nothing in return but pity and sorrow? I wish I knew the answers to all that, but I can never know the future. All I do know, is that no infatuation I've ever had before was actually genuine and real. What I feel now for the girl at work still feels so much damn stronger than I've ever felt before, but alas, I have been down this long and dusky road before...

And the same question from every damn time, from every damn girl, still circles and rifles through my head...

... what do I do now?... where do I go from here?...

It's been almost four months since she left the workplace. It's been three months since I even last spoke with her...

... when will I finally be able to look back, and remember it all as a dream?...

Y2kk Update: It's been just over a month since my sister's wedding...

January 26th and 27th were when she had her Winter Wonderland. It was honestly the happiest days of her life...

I don't know why, but I've been thinking of the whole ceremony a lot lately. About the beauty of the banquet hall at the Western Reception, how the rose petals and cupcakes at the Chinese reception all smelt and felt. I've been recalling lately all the little things I did those two nights, whether it was stringing up traditional Chinese lanterns as decorations, rolling out the red carpet quite literally for my sister to walk over the snow with, or even sitting on the sidelines wondering if I should've gave into both peer pressure and socialite status by just having a few goddam drinks...

No matter what happened, it definitely felt like two days worth of magic in retrospect, not just for my sister and new brother in law, but also in how I saw myself and felt. I was almost a different person at the time, with a new suit and new hair-cut and arguably new glasses (got them a couple months prior). Hell, I even tried to bulk up a bit in the chest and wrists, albeit I failed miserably as always in that regard. Yet all my cousins noticed the changes I have made for those two nights alone, I just wonder why a certain someone that I care about did not...

My closest cousin pointed out to me once that when it comes to trying to impress, I always learn as much as possible about the subject at hand, in this case a new suit and tie and how they go together well. In all honesty, I learned barely anything at all, considering I just googled a bunch of articles and opinions on the net about this shit, and trusted Wikipedia as one my goddam sources. I still can't colour-coordinate, or even properly iron out the goddam blue and white shirts I had for those two evenings. God knows I suck absolute balls at washing my own clothes, so it's not like I became a completely different and useful man from this wedding or anything. But as my cousins realized, this wedding was so important to my sister, which was why it was just so goddam important to me. I guess, getting a new hair style from a barber for the very first time in my life, even if it was only a small departure from my normal look, had a lot of meaning for me in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to show that I cared. Demonstrating just how much something means to myself is truly goddam important to me...

I wish I was able to extend my newfound knowledge to the foods that we got to eat. Now, at the Chinese reception, obviously I knew the majority of stuff there since I eat that banquet stuff all the time. Whether we're talking about baby pork meat or eighty buck bowls of Shark Fin Soup, this was my kind of night where I knew everything and pretty much everyone around. I'm comfortable in those situations, so much so at times that my cousins even noted that I was talking like I was drunk over my goddam Coke. Not sure if that was a good thing, but even if my sister and brother in law didn't have the most fun that second night as they did on the first, I was proud of them for making it all happen for the parents and family. Besides, I even got to taste a couple of new dishes while I was there, as the Portuguese Scallop in a Curry Sauce was my favourite food of the night. Not bad for a first taste test, as normally I detest anything new and foreign...

Which is why I just didn't enjoy dinner as much as I had hoped on the first night at the Western reception. Now obviously I dug deep into the main course, considering it was a New York steak and probably one of the best slabs of meat I've ever had. It wasn't filling though, it was too small to be considered a main course by my book however, and the mashed potatoes off to the side were far too laced with horrid mounds of butter for me to finish with a straight face. And this was all after I literally had to spit out my already tiny appetizer earlier in the evening...

There was a choice of just some plain salad, some weird tuna dish, or "Foie Gras". I had no fucking clue what Foie Gras was at the time, except that my sister recommended it as her favourite appetizer of all fucking time. After asking around that it was duck liver, and considering I normally can take a healthy dose of chicken liver and shit like that, I gave it a round and a go. But dear fucking God, it tasted like total duck fucking shit covered in a cream of butter semin sauce. WTF was this shit, how the fuck could anyone have thought it was good, I had no fucking clue. I spat that sucker right now, and never gave it a second thought. Guess I'm no goddam food connoisseur...

Guess this is one of those areas that I feel I'm lacking, and you can guess who was the person who most makes me feel the most inadequate this way. The girl formerly at work, the girl I've fallen for and can't seem to crawl back from, she herself has fallen for foods in ways I cannot even describe. At times, she can be far too elitist about the kinds of pasta and desserts and bakeries she likes, but it was one of those traits of hers that I eventually fell in love with and often admired. She had a real passion for it, one that I looked up to in all honesty. Problem was though, she also had a knack for being overly critical about others' incompetence, in my case with the foods we ate whenever we went out...

I understand that she prefers to have an "enlightening" conversation about the dishes we share at dinner, and I understand she prefers to be with people who are satisfied by the same foods as she does. But you see, that's where that twinge of elitism comes into play. I accepted it and even adored it at times, but over the months, I think I went well documented on this site how left out I felt whenever she ignored talking to me in preference of conversing about food with complete assholes I never gave a shit about. I tried at times to show her I had a willingness to learn, to develop a taste for the dishes that she strives to cook and bake and emulate. But there was just such a huge chasm between the both of us in terms of knowledge and experience in that regard, that she just didn't seem to have the patience or understanding to give me a goddam chance...

It's like how they say in high school, a couple only wants to touch and feel and smile at one another, while in university a couple only wants to share as many activities together as possible. I suppose, both are required for a proper relationship, but she was so damn concerned and concentrated with only the latter, that she was never able to see past my deficiencies. I personally believe that we two had a lot in common with a lot of chemistry at times. But from her point of view, her favourite pastimes of cooking and psychology and all that other stuff she reads at night, were topics that she herself was far too advanced in to ever maturely discuss with me...

At times, she acted like she only wanted an equal in everything she likes, that she only seeks a connection with a person she can respect in everything she too does. A mirror image, in genuine effect. I really felt like she closed her mind to me and sealed off all potential, simply because I did not fit her description of a perfect man in her mind. It could've all been an excuse out of fear, though at times, I couldn't blame her for how she felt. She certainly didn't like to "dumb down" conversations so to speak, and I couldn't help but feel bad every single time she just wasn't willing to talk about the topics she wanted to discuss when I was around. Her heart just wasn't there with me by my side...

I admit, a large part of the problems between the both of us, was that I was often so negative with my self-deprecating humour. Perhaps, she never truly got the impression that I was willing to listen and willing to learn. Sometimes I could tell it was disheartening to her, not just that I did not understand many of the higher level topics she was discussing, but that it did seem like it was making me feel leftout and inadequate in the discussions as well. Because I admit, I'm not always the type to shrug things off with a smile, not after months and months of dealing with the fact that she finds so much more enjoyment in talking with her other friends than I. I wanted so desperately to be an important part of her life, and I did try to show it, I really tried to prove it. But it definitely made me feel inadequate to realize that it just wasn't enough for her. What I find most important, to show her what she means to me, she just didn't seem to care...

I guess, what I've been upset with lately, is that in my latest e-mail to her, I actually wrote all about my experiences with food at my sister's wedding, from the Foie Gras incident to the strawberry shortcake and chocolate cupcake desserts we had. The thing is though, of course naturally as the weeks have gone by, I haven't heard a single word from her since. I asked her directly in my e-mail whether she wanted me to send her some photos from the wedding or not. My exact words were, "I'd love to send some pics your way, if you'd so like". But I haven't heard anything but silence from her direction since I last wrote her about the wedding. I really shouldn't have expected anything more...

I tried relating to her with my story about the Western reception, but either she's too busy for me, or she's actually angry at me for not telling her my wedding anecdotes right upfront when we last met, does it really matter at this point? If she wanted to talk to me, if she ever wanted to contact me, I've given her so many chances to do so. And every single time I do, every single time I put my heart and feelings on the line, and whenever she does not respond? I hurt inside, and the old wounds salt just a tiny bit more...

I care about her, I really do. So much so, that she still is the only person I truly think about, even three months after her departure...

... but I know that she never truly thinks about me, because if she did, would she not try to talk to me?...

... would she not at least respond?...

It's been just over a month since my sister's wedding. By a single day, to be precise...

... and this is what I still think about, the girl at work and what she truly does mean...

... it's just so important to me, to show that you care...