Y2kk Update: Sometimes it takes an emergency to realize what's truly important in life. Sometimes it takes a nightmare to wake the fuck up...

Last summer, when my grandfather passed away, I knew how precious family was to me, I knew that I relied so much on my brother and sister and cousins for comfort. I realized how much I loved my parents, and I feared how devastated I would feel the day that my grandmother leaves this world as well. But for some damn reason, despite all this, there was only one person truly on my mind. The girl that I care for, she's all I could think of, her face was all I could see throughout every single minute that I felt so alone. I didn't know why I felt that way, I thought that perhaps it was even a message from my grandfather that she really is the one. I was compelled to contact her again, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give us one last chance, and unfortunately the rest is history. How many times have I gone back to her? God, I'm such an idiot...

Two Thursdays ago, my mother woke up at 6 am with a nosebleed that would not stop. Blood was freely flowing from her nostrils like water, and she was coughing up just as much from her throat and stomach, flooding the sink soaked with red. My father finally woke me up half an hour later, which was already half an hour too late as far as I was concerned. I immediately called 911 since a nosebleed should not be going on for thirty minutes or more, and by 7 am the ambulance had rushed my mother to the hospital. On the way there in the car with my father, I was frantically phoning up every family member I could think of about the situation. I knew that the nosebleed was probably not serious, it's a common occurrence that has happened to my grandmother and my sister in the past, but I was very goddam concerned about my mother nonetheless. My grandfather had just passed away one year ago without any real warning, and so I was sadly mentally prepared for the worst. I care about my mother, I really do. I just wanted her to be safe and surrounded by family. She had lost a lot of blood, and I was scared...

At the hospital, she was probably bleeding constantly from the nose until maybe 10 am, when finally they clogged her blood vessels with a nasal packing water balloon. She said it hurt like hell when they stuffed the plastic tubes down her nose, and I was confused as to why they didn't simply try the freezing or burning methods that had worked on my sister in the past. It seems that my mother's nosebleed was especially serious, not just from her old age and her high blood pressure, but also because of all the Omega-3 and Aspirin 81mg doses she has been taking on a daily basis. Not only was her blood absolutely thinned and unable to clot as a result, but the blood was flowing like a faucet from both of her nostrils, which made the doctor definitely concerned that a simple burning or freezing solution would not be good enough in the long term. It would mean that she would be forced to stay in the hospital for a while under observation, as the doctor admitted that the nasal packing tube would not be removed for at least three entire days and nights. But if it meant the safety and health and full recovery of my mother, then so be it. My parents are both deftly afraid of the hospital, but I would be there for them both because that's what family is for...

The bleeding finally stopped, at least visibly on the surface, soon after my brother and sister arrived in the emergency room. It certainly didn't look pretty at first, the pressure from the nasal packing balloon was so intense that it actually started pushing blood out of her eyes and ears, even to the surprise of the specialist nurse in the room. My mother must have been so terrified, to wipe away her tears only to find that they were crimson red, almost like a curse from God. I honestly think she was afraid she was dying, as I know the memories of her father passing away so suddenly were still fresh in her mind as well. In the end though, even though it frightened us again when she coughed up an entire basin of thick blood a couple hours later, my mother was safe and recovering as the bleeding had finally subsided. The doctor had warned us that the balloon pressing against her blood vessels might still allow a bit of leakage, and that we shouldn't worry if blood still trickles down her face for the next few days. If he hadn't said that, I guess I would have been concerned, as my mother continued to be covered in thick, clotted blood for the next three days in the hospital. She looked terrible, but she was still beautiful to me, no matter how frail and scared she had felt...

She spent her first night in the hospital emergency observation room, then she was moved to an ordinary bedroom on the second floor by the first morning. She was stuck in that place from Thursday evening all the way until Tuesday morning, and she hated every single second of it, I'm sure. I was there by her side pretty much the whole time through, I even wanted to sleep at the hospital the first night until I was told by the nurses I was not allowed to (unlike in my grandfather's situation, when he was dying). I just wanted to let my mother know that I was there for her, and I did my absolute best to do so by simply being the son that I am. I was there pretty much every day from ten in the morning to eight at night, helping her eat her minced meals and talking to her about the news, holding her hand and helping her into the wheelchair whenever she wanted to visit the gardens outside. Of course, considering I'm a fully grown man (albeit a Chinese one who looks twelve years old), maybe it was embarrassing a bit for my mom to have her son walk her down every corridor of the hallways and hold her hand the whole way through. But I know what's important to my mom, and that's simply being there when she's terrified of her fate. She's my mother, and I really love her...

It wasn't until maybe Sunday night when the specialist truly reassured her that this nosebleed was simply a random occurrence caused by high blood pressure combined with aspirin, that it was not a symptom of anything worse. She was finally released on Tuesday morning, but even then, it was with much reluctance from our goddam family doctor. I trust the specialists at the hospital, but I certainly don't trust the goddam general practitioner who told my mom to take aspirin every day (to prevent a stroke) but never warned her about the side-effects. The thing is, my mother lost a lot of blood over the past week when she was in the hospital, even with the nasal packing balloon making it almost impossible for her to breathe and swallow. Her hemoglobin count became dangerously low, in the 70's range compared to almost 150 for a normal healthy human being, and they had already been giving her very high doses of iron supplements every day. The fucking idiotic family doctor, who a few days earlier had pretended like the aspirin he prescribed had nothing to do with the nosebleed at all, refused to let my mother leave the hospital without first a blood transfusion. In the end though, since the specialist said that my mom should fully recover on her own if she has an iron-rich diet of spinach and liver, we left despite our GP's protestations simply so that my mother could finally get some goddam sleep...

My family doctor trying to cover his own ass and do everything in his power to not take the blame for this incident, wasn't the only problem I had with that hospital. After my mom's bleeding had stopped and she had been moved to a standard observation bedroom, the nurses there were fine for the most part and I appreciate the help they gave my family. But when it came to the people in the goddam emergency room, in a place where quite often there is a risk of life and death? I know my mom wasn't in any immediate danger, but there was a point where she was terrified for her own life and she also desperately needed to go to the washroom (when her nose was still leaking uncontrollably). I went over to the nurses' station and asked for help, where there was a group of maybe eight or ten of them just babbling about what they plan to do over the goddam weekend. They waved me off, said that they will be with me in a minute, and being the nice guy that I am, I actually obliged...

I waited maybe two minutes while my mom was tearful and literally crying blood in agony, before I went back to the nurses office and literally just stood there staring at them directly as they still continued to ignore my plea and gab about their fucking day. I mean seriously, I know my mom wasn't in critical condition or anything and I understand they've become desensitized to emergencies like this before, but I was standing right there in front of them staring right at their faces, and they still refused to acknowledge that I even existed, as they continued to talk about shit like what kind of Prada purses they would like to purchase? Seriously, I wouldn't stand for this if I was asking for help in a fucking Best Buy, and I certainly won't stand for it in the fucking emergency room of a goddam hospital. And you know what was even more insulting in the end? I had told them minutes ago that my mother simply needed to go to the washroom, and after waiting five minutes for the gaggle of eight to finally look back up to me and get off their sorry asses, they simply took one look at my mom and said that it was fine that I take her to the fucking washroom myself. I mean seriously, they make me wait in a fucking emergency room then force me to do all the fucking work? WTF?...

My mom is fine now for the most part, and my family has been doing a great job since her return to make her feel as comfortable as possible. She's still weak, so it's up to me and my father to do all the chores around the house, and my back is now killing me more than usual around Spring cleaning time, if only because of how many fucking weeds are now my responsibility to pull out of the lawn. Honestly, I was happy that my brother and sister did so much for our mother when she was in the hospital. My brother has work but he was there pretty much every single day, and spent time at home with me because he knew how hard I was working to comfort our mom at the hospital. My sister, she wasn't always around and there were certainly times that I wish she was, but she still came all the way to take care of our mother that first evening, and she would always check up with the family over the phone later on. We got great support from our aunts and uncles and cousins, but what was probably most surprising was how much my brother's girlfriend and her parents all cared about my family as well. They were constantly calling and visiting and my parents couldn't express enough how happy and comforted they felt from it all. My dad even remarked that should my brother and his girlfriend get married, he believes that my mom and him will have a great relationship with the other side of the family. That speaks a hell of a lot to me, as it's during emergencies and times like this that you truly learn what's most important in life...

God, I should have knocked on wood. I should have known better, really. When my birthday came to pass, during the most down and depressing moments that I felt the day after, a dangerous and scary thought had actually crossed my mind. I was remembering my grandfather and how alone I felt during all those final days I was with him by his side. I recalled just how much I cared about the girl I fell in love with, and just how much I wish she could be with me once more. That's when I wondered to myself, how would I feel again if another family emergency came to pass? That's when I thought to myself, what would happen if another family member of mine was in danger, or worse yet, nearing the point of death? Would I think of the girl at work again, would she be the only thought and face that I can envision in my mind once more?...

I had promised never to contact her again, I had promised to leave her alone and set her free, and I had rationalized it to myself that it was better for the both of us if I were gone. She has never cared for me, and time after time again she proved that she was happy and content when I was not in her life. She never thinks of me, and she never has any regrets of what happened between the both of us. I know that, I realize all that, but that didn't stop me from thinking of her every single damn second of the night when my grandfather was passing away. None of it stopped me from contacting her again, and forcing history to repeat itself against all my better goddam judgment. It was only a passing feeling, it was only a fleeting thought, but I couldn't help but wonder when my birthday came to pass, what if there was another life and death situation? What would happen to my thoughts and feelings, if there was another emergency where I experience what's most important in life?...

When my mother was in the hospital, I was concerned for the girl I care for, I honestly was. I hadn't heard from her in months, and I was scared that maybe something had happened to her. I was terrified that maybe she was simply too timid and ashamed to contact me, that maybe I should have extended my warm and welcoming hand out to her again. I didn't know what to think because I didn't know what had happened to her. I wanted to know if she was alright, I wanted to know if she was safe, and I desperately wanted to know if she was happy. I kept imagining that maybe she does wish things had turned out differently than what had come to pass, that maybe she does wish that her and I could give ourselves one last chance to be together. It was so selfish of me, but I kept hoping that maybe she wasn't happy, that maybe she wasn't content with her life any longer, and that she wanted more, like I do every damn time I stepped inside that hospital and held my mother's hand. I was so desperate to make sure that she was okay, I wanted so much to find out if she remembered me at all, that I just couldn't help myself...

God, I am such a fucking idiot. How can I be so stupid? Why must I be so naïve? I now know that she forgot my birthday. I now know she convinced herself that her own isn't even important, so that she has an excuse whenever she ignores everyone else's. I know that she's alright, I know that she's safe, and I know that she believes she's content with the way her life has turned out. She loves her cats, she loves her chocolate, and she loves her goddam web comics and career. But I'm sorry, I want more. I want so much more, more than she will ever care to provide for me. Her values in life are simply not mine. Why did I fall for her? Why didn't she choose me? Why couldn't things have just turned out the way I wished they would? She isn't the woman that I thought she was. She isn't the woman I thought I fell for. The girl I knew is gone...

If she wanted to contact me, she would have. She promised me that she would, and she lied. If you truly love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it's meant to be. But if they don't, it means they were never yours to begin with. She will never speak with me again, now will she? She really has no regrets, does she? I made the hard choice months ago to leave her, and I know now more than ever that it was the right decision and the only decision to make. She's happy with the way things are, I know she is. She's fine without me, better off even, so why interfere? She has plenty of people that she cares for in life, I'm simply not one of them. Whatever feelings she had for me are long gone. I've been forgotten and lost and living in a fantasy world ever damn since. This was simply yet another goddam wake-up call. So wake the fuck up.

I lost her a long time ago. I am sorry about that, but only to the girl she used to be, and not to the woman that she has become. I thought she was different than she is, I thought she was the one that I wanted in life. I was wrong, I've been wrong for so very long now, and I'm sorry. I can't believe I've lied to myself for the past two years. I'm so disappointed and so angry at myself. What a fucking waste of time...

I know what's most important in life. I now realize more than ever just how much I cherish my family. It was them who made my birthday into the special day that it was. It was them who never let me feel alone as we reassured our mother as best we could. It's with this new resolve that I once again understand that my family means everything to me, and we will be there for each other long after the girl at work is finally gone. Family is important, and family is who I am. I already have what I want in life, and I already have what I need. I guess I always will...

I know where I stand in life, and I know exactly who I am. I am a good son and a good brother. I am a good friend and I am exactly the kind of innocent soul that I hoped I would become when I was merely a child. I never lost my way when it comes to what I truly value in life. I never lost sight of who I am and who I want to be when it comes to what I find most important. Sometimes I lapse, and sometimes I do feel alone, but I know I never really am. I am who I am, I know what I want, and it's time to stop chasing a lie. It's time to be who I've always wanted to be...

Sometimes, it takes an emergency to realize what's truly most important in life. Sometimes, it takes a miracle to finally wake the fuck up...

My mother is now safe and sound and recovering here at home. That's all I can ask for, and I'm thankful. She's happy now, and so am I.

Maybe I'm finally ready. Time after time. To close this chapter of my life. To forgive and forget. To move on.

Y2kk Update: I used to think that my birthday was the most depressing day of the year...

Turns out, I was wrong. I guess I should've known. It was the day after...

Maybe it was simply because I was so pumped full of adrenaline over the past week or so, in anticipation of my birthday. So many good things happened to me that past week, that for once, I didn't feel so alone. I really did enjoy my birthday for what it was worth, even if I do feel like age is definitely creeping up on my goddam ass. I guess though, I just have to get one question off my chest...

Why the hell must I always get sick the week before my birthday?...

It all started on Easter, when I finally got the first good news that I had felt all year long. My brother and sister were over that night for dinner, and it was nice having a full house here all over again. The moment I was waiting for though happened much earlier than that. I had been so afraid that one of my best friends of twenty years would simply ignore me for my birthday, and I was so relieved when I saw that he actually e-mailed me about it on Easter. He invited me out, said that he remembered my birthday was coming up and that he wanted to treat me to golf and dinner, like the old days. It was a nice gesture on his behalf, and considering the spirit of Easter, how could I not try to forgive him?...

I called him up a few moments later, fully knowing that he still may not apologize for all he had done to me in the past. I was still angry at him for abandoning me when it mattered most, for leaving me with a hundred dollar basketball ticket when I was unemployed and he was complaining he was too busy to even speak with me for five fucking minutes. But you know what? Maybe it's simply because his own job is on the line now, or maybe he really did mature and grow up while I was gone. But when he finally apologized for leaving me behind, when he actually offered to pay me back the price of the ticket before I could even bring up the issue, I was simply so overjoyed that I almost felt a tear shed from my eye. I could honestly feel my face sweltering up as I let out a smile...

This was one of my best friends for over twenty years, finally apologizing to me after leaving me so hurt for so long. Of course I would be happy that he would invite me out to my birthday, of course I would be so relieved that he finally was treating me like the friend I've always tried to be. And of course I was honest in return, I told him that I was hurt but that it meant a lot that he was asking for forgiveness, and then I apologized for my own actions of distance these past few months. All I cared about was that bygones would be bygones. He had done the right thing and did everything that I ever asked for him to do. How could I refuse his offer then? I'm now planning to go out with him this Friday. I just hope things go well, but why wouldn't they? I have nothing to hold against him anymore. He made it up to me, and I forgive him...

Easter was great for me because of everything that happened. Not only did I get an apology after so many months of feeling abandoned and forgotten and alone, but my entire extended family was over for dinner, sharing a turkey and genuinely having a good time with one another. We shared stories of my brother's trip to Japan, we talked about our futures and where we would go from here, and of course I enjoyed the fact that we were all still so close as a family, which is all I've truly wanted in life up to this point. What I did not want however, was that my brother-in-law was infected with that god-awful plague of a flu right now going around the Toronto offices. I did not notice this though until well after I chose to sit next to him for dinner, and unfortunately for me, he decided to share that too for the week before my birthday...

My fucking God, was I fucking wasted in every single way from that fever last week. The first evening I had it, I simply thought I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before when my throat started scratching. That's when I had a hell of a time falling asleep, only to wake up twice during the dark recesses of night to fucking throw up in the bathroom for the first time in goddam ages. I felt absolutely horrible the next few days, with a throat that tasted like ripe manure in my mouth and a head that was spinning worse than it ever was after the most fatal of exams back in university. I didn't know who I was or where I was going, and quite frankly I did not care. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were all completely a blur to me, as all I could muster the energy to do was sit up in my bed and play video games at best. I know I have a tendency to get sick before my birthday every single fucking year, but this was the worst fucking flu I've had in ages. I honestly felt like I wanted to die at times, it was that fucking bad. I'm just glad I didn't have any work to do, otherwise I might've tried to shove my way out of bed for that...

Friday, I was still under the weather and that's when my whooping cough started to truly act up, but I was damned if I would let my sickness get to me when it was time to help my brother move from his old house to his new condo. He had finally decided a few months ago that living downtown in a frat house with his old university pals was simply not the life he wanted anymore, and I was more than happy to lug all his stuff to his new uptown location right near where my sister and brother-in-law live. Friday wasn't that much work, although it was a nice reward to have my brother stay the night over at my house where we played video games until my cough wouldn't let me keep my eyes open any longer. Saturday though was the big day, and after I basically moved every single one of his possessions from my minivan into the elevator and then up to his bachelor pad on the 27th floor, my reward turned out to be mere fifty cent hot dogs at the Ikea store down the street. To be honest though, despite the cheapass price of street meat, I enjoyed the food for what it was worth. I really had fun helping my brother that afternoon. It made me feel useful again, and I even almost forgot about the fact that I was deadly sick with a pathogen for a few stray hours of the day...

The rest of Saturday was spent hooking up his electronics and setting up his Ikea furniture with the help of my sister and brother-in-law coming to the rescue. And really, how can I complain about a night like this? I was finally back with family, I had spent the whole day with my brother, and I was happy as hell that they would all take me out for my birthday later that night to a restaurant of my choosing. My illness was still messing with my mind at the time, and I truly was damned tired from moving around HDTVs and sofa beds to my brother's new apartment. But I made sure not to let any of this get in the way of my brother's biggest day of the year, his first ever evening in a place to call his own, and I didn't want to ruin the fact that my family really seemed to think of my birthday as important for once. My sister was there for my brother more than I, I'm sure. But I tried not to let petty jealousy get in the way. I was invited out that night, and it felt nice to be included for once...

Unfortunately, that's when things always take a turn for the worst, now don't they? My head was still spinning and I simply wasn't thinking straight when I went down to the parking lot to fetch the Ikea light bulbs that we had left in the minivan. Whenever it comes to locking the doors of the car, I normally have my pair of keys held in my left hand while I press the manual lock with my right. That night though, like I said, the world was turning in my head, and I wasn't thinking nor seeing straight when I went rummaging through the goddam Christmas tree leftover in the car while searching for something that my brother had lost. Eventually I gave up, and that's when I locked the door with my right hand while holding up my keys in my left. I slammed shut the door in frustration, only to realize that...

... fuck me, the keys I was holding in my left were for my brother's condo, and NOT for the goddam car...

That's when I began to panic. After searching frantically all around the vehicle to make sure I didn't drop the keys on the pavement, I immediately called my parents who had a spare remote for the van back at home, and tried about a half dozen times to see if I could send its RF signal through the fucking cellphone. Apparently, it does not fucking work, or at least it never did no matter how many times we tried it. So now what? Try the fucking coat hanger option through the key hole, since I hadn't left any windows open to pry with my arm? If I wasn't so down on myself and so fucking lost in the head thanks to my fever, maybe I would've thought clearly and not have cared so damn much that I would have to get my brother to drive me home in order to pick up the spare key, then drive me all the way back to my minivan. The thing is, in my brain at that point in time, I didn't want to ruin his big moving day, I didn't want to spoil the mood of his first night at his first official place to call his own. Of course he tried to downplay my stupidity, saying it's not a big deal and that he owed me for helping him move anyways. But I still felt terrible though after I what I had done. Fuck, I locked my keys in the goddam car. God, I'm such an idiot. What was I thinking?...

Maybe I ruined dinner at The Keg that night a bit by being so down and cynical about what I had done. I tend to dwell on my mistakes far more than I should, and I just didn't have the energy that night through my sickness to pretend like I didn't care. Eventually though, I realized that what was more important than a dumbass mistake on my part, was the fact that I was surrounded by family who had asked me out for my birthday this weekend. So really, why bother feeling so negative when I was so happy to be there just one hour before? I couldn't just shrug off my feelings of guilt and stupidity, so I decided to do what I often do best, lighten the mood with my self deprecating sense of humour. I still snicker a bit at my own joke, as lame as that sounds, but I steered the conversation until my brother-in-law mentioned how his own brother's car gets broken into all the time at his condo. And my response? "Wow... I wish I was that lucky". It took a while for everyone at the table to get it, but it was nice of them to chuckle with a genuine laugh. It brought a whole new mood to the atmosphere, and I had a fun time with family after that. They even snuck in a dessert, though it was goddam free because it was my birthday. I had a great time and I never felt alone...

As expected, that night my brother had to drive me all the way across two cities back to my house to pick up the spare car keys, then drive me all the way back to his condo where I would then finally get access to my vehicle again and cower my head in shame all the way home again. I got back after 3 am, probably the latest I've been out since my sister's wedding, and I still didn't bother falling asleep right away. I simply sat back, watched some sports highlights from that evening, and thought to myself how it was good at least that my family didn't blame me for how dumbass I was with the whole key situation earlier that day. I had tried to be the cynic, I had tried to essentially beat myself down for my mistake, but my family knew me well enough to know not to roll their eyes at me, not to chastise me with criticism or the like, but rather let me get out of my funk on my own terms, and to finally enjoy the dinner they offered for my birthday. It was a good night because not only did I feel forgiven for my mistakes by my family, but also I was able to forgive myself for being so fucking stupid. I went to bed with a smile...

Sunday morning, I woke up with such a horrible headache, half because of how late I had went to sleep, and half because I was still fucking sick from whatever my brother-in-law had given me. That day, I was stuck babysitting my parents as they searched for a new house in the suburbs north of Toronto, and I felt like collapsing in the back seat of the real estate agent's Escalade about a dozen times fold until I actually did. Also that night, my parents and I finally met up with my brother's girlfriend's parents for the first ever time, and right off the bat I apparently made a fool of myself by introducing myself as "Ivan" when apparently the father was already calling me my own name to my face. Can you blame me? I was completely out of it thanks to a long day and an even longer evening the night before. But of course, that wasn't the only mistake I made, as my parents duly noted to me afterwards about how bad of a first impression I had made. While I wish I had been more polite and proper and alive at that dinner table, I actually feel like I did the best I could under the circumstances I was under. I even had a good time overall, as once again, I never felt alone surrounded by so much family. The food was good, the conversations were engaging, and my brother was happy with how everything went. I was a bit nervous of letting him down, but if there's one thing this weekend has taught me, it's that he's willing to forgive and let me correct my own mistakes as best I can, which is all I really ask for...

Monday though was the real kicker. Monday was my actual birthday. And when I first heard from my brother that he was going to spend that night at my sister's place instead of my home, I pretended like I didn't care but I really honestly did. I mean, I understand that he already spent Friday playing video games with me well into the night, I realize that Saturday he was there for me at my birthday dinner, and on Sunday he was sleeping next to me in the Escalade as we were bored and angry as hell at all the pointless house shopping. But really, he was going to abandon me on my actual birthday? If I was thinking straight, maybe I wouldn't have cared very much, maybe I would've just let it go since he has always been such a good brother. But really, even if it wasn't for the damn fever I still had, since when have I ever thought straight on my goddam birthday? It's normally the most depressing day of the year for me, and he was going to leave me behind? WTF?...

It took him half a day to register that the date of the dinner he had planned with my sister was also the very day that I was born. Now, I knew that my sister didn't care, she's always been the type to just assume one off-hand meal a few days before was good enough to appease family, but my brother knew the importance of the day for me and immediately cancelled his plans. He even convinced my sister to come all the way on the GO train in order to be back at the house with the rest of my family for my birthday. And to be honest? Out of everything they did for me this weekend, coming home to simply spend more time with me and the parents was the best gift they could've given me. I know my sister had to essentially be dragged to my place, but she still came when all was said and done, and that meant a lot to me. What meant even more was that my brother had not only changed his plans in order to watch 24 with me on my birthday, but also came home and brought a cake despite being sick with the same goddam flu I had apparently infected him with the night before. That's dedication for you. He was there for me when it mattered most, when I needed him most, no matter the circumstances. That meant everything to me, and that's what family should be for...

I thought that my birthday would be the most depressing day of the year for me. I was wrong. It wasn't...

It was the day after when everything was finished and everyone was gone... that was the worst day of the year for me...

Yesterday morning, I woke up with the usual headache, but I felt so much worse than I had ever since that first morning I originally felt sick. Maybe it was because of all the adrenaline pumping through my veins throughout the weekend, maybe after I had pushed myself so hard to go out for all those dinners and push away all those thoughts of loneliness and goddam car key stupidity, that my body was simply lapsing and collapsing and falling back into the worthless shape that it would have been otherwise. Maybe that's why I felt like such shit that morning...

... or maybe it was simply because of her...

It wasn't the day of my birthday that I felt my worst. It was the day of her birthday, the girl I still care for. That's when I felt it all...

She never called me on my birthday. She never wrote to me to even say hi. Did she remember that it was my birthday, just one day before hers? Did she even care? Did she ever care? I felt so alone, realizing that every single morning, the first thought that always enters and fills my mind is her, even before I can even remember my own name. But that will never be the way she thinks of me, now will it be? It's been how many months since I lost contact with her, how many months since she chose to pretend like I didn't even exist?...

I turned 27 this year. She turned 25. I had been waiting and dreaming of what would happen, of what I would do for her on her 25th birthday for so many goddam years now. And when the day finally came? Nothing happened, absolutely nothing, and I have no-one to blame for that but myself. I kept dreaming in the past that maybe she would suddenly see me in a new light, that perhaps even her own mother would push her into giving me one last chance. I wrote to her last year even after months of silence, simply because I knew the moment that my grandfather passed away that there was no-one else in the world that I would rather be with than her. She must have known what she meant to me, but even on her 25th birthday, I obviously meant nothing to her. I had waited for this day for so long, for so many goddam years, and then nothing happens, absolutely nothing. How can I possibly forgive myself for ignoring her on her 25th birthday? God, the most I can do is try to forget...

I got worried about her yesterday, I truly honestly did. I got scared that maybe something had happened to her, that maybe she was hurt, that maybe she was too afraid and too lonely to give me a call on our goddam birthdays. I felt this way the entire day, I felt so desperate to call her, to simply write her again to make sure that she was alright at the very least. But I knew it was all a trap, I knew that I couldn't let myself do it, even though it was what I wanted more than anything else in the entire fucking world. She wanted me out of her life, she even wrote once that she wished that my bloody hell crush on her would goddam stop or else we shouldn't even speak. What am I supposed to say to that? How else am I supposed to interpret her words except to stay the hell away? I felt horrible yesterday, I honestly did. I missed her, I really did...

I realized though, what would happen if I called her? What would I do then after realizing that she was alright and that she didn't even remember it was my bloody hell birthday? Would I invite her out and she would begrudgingly agree out of pity, only for it to lead to me pining even more for her down the road when she has clearly gotten over me so many years ago? If I think I feel bad now, then what if I even contacted her once more to hear her voice one last time? How long would I continue to keep envisioning her face every single morning as the first thought that enters my mind, and how long will I continue to imagine her smile every single night the very moment before I fall asleep?...

My last birthday, I made the mistake of contacting her 'one last time', even though a couple weeks before she had warned me never to speak with her again. It only led to more heartache and misery on my behalf, while she went off to enjoy her vacation, her friends, her new job and everything that I still want in life. Why should I ever put myself through the same pain as before, when she didn't even have the heart or the courtesy to contact me on my own bloody hell birthday? I thought that would be one of the worst days I would feel in my bloody hell life, but it turned out not to be the case. What did turn out to be one of the worst moments I've felt in a very long time, was the realization that she simply did not want me to contact her even on her own bloody hell birthday. It was when I realized that even if she did remember the day I was born, she would never actually bother to contact me, simply out of fear and contempt and worry that I would actually contact her back. She doesn't want to hear from me, she doesn't want to know me. She wants me gone, and she has for a very long time...

I was so afraid that I would be miserable on my birthday, but this year I honestly had one of the best birthdays of my life. Sure, I was sick as hell as a vomiting newborn puppy (and just as vulnerable emotionally, I'm sure), but I never once felt alone, I never once felt abandoned, I never once felt forgotten like nobody cared. My friend of twenty years had just apologized to me a week before, and here I was at my birthday dinner, surrounded by my parents and my brother and sister who not only had spent Saturday and Sunday with me as well, but also changed their plans so they could be with me when I needed them most, when I wanted them most by my side. That's what family is all about, and that's all I've ever asked from them. That's what family means to me. I just wanted them to be there for me, and it almost brought a tear to my eye...

My birthday was not the most depressing day of the year for me. I guess I should've known. Turns out, her birthday was...

But next year? Next year, I intend to change all that. I hope she's alright, but I know she doesn't need me, and I don't need her...

Family is the most important thing in the world to me. But the girl I care about? She is not family, and she never will be...

But Happy Birthday to her. And one final Happy Birthday to us, I suppose...

I wish her only good luck. I wish her good night, goodbye, and take care...

Y2kk Update: It's just so frustrating. It feels like I've achieved nothing. This is not where I want to be in life...

I have plenty of regrets about my past. I've made a lot of wrong choices to get to where I am today. Back in high school, did I ever imagine that I would be sitting on my ass at home feeling sick to my stomach every single day, after finishing university with a computer engineering degree and three years in the development industry? I know I'm not the only one right now during this recession that doesn't have his shit in gear, but out of all my friends from the University of Toronto, I definitely feel like the odd man out. A few of my peers are now working on their MBAs, my old close schoolmate is finishing up his Masters in Engineering, and everyone else I knew and know are still at their jobs even through this crisis, making much more money with a lot more responsibility than I have ever had. Of course I feel frustrated then, of course I feel jealous, and of course I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing in my life in comparison. I know I should have my own self-esteem, I know I should find contentment and confidence within myself, but it's so hard to after five fucking months of feeling so useless. Yet another week passes me by...

When I was younger, when I imagined and envisioned myself turning 27 like I will two weeks from now, I thought I would be a senior developer or architect in a software development company that I can respect, not a quitter from some shitty small corporation that couldn't even last one day in a recession. After earning my computer engineering degree, I thought I would be on my way to getting a second degree or a masters by now, perhaps partake in an MBA program so I can become that technical manager that I've always wanted to become. Ten years ago, I thought that along with a successful career, I would have finally found the girl of my dreams by now. Her and I may not have a lot of money together, but I would be so devoted to her and her so devoted to me, that we would be talking about marriage already and thinking about raising our own family. Call it cliche, you can even call it misguided, but I want that quiet life in the suburbs where on weekends, my wife and I simply spend mornings together too lazy to get out of bed, too much in love to fall out of each other's eyes. I really did think I would have all this by the age that I'm becoming, but I've made so many bad choices in my life, of course my dream wouldn't come true...

When it came to my career? The reality was, I chose the easy path in life. I never tried hard enough in university, I never went that extra mile to earn the best grades or truly understand the root material. I never reached out to any of the extracurricular activities, I never went to parties or fundraisers and I never made the friends nor the connections that I truly needed to pave the career path to where I feel I belong. When it came to my first job, I simply sat content in the government, thinking I would be safe and sound without ever being productive or proactive enough to make sure of my security. After everything fell apart for me, I went for yet another quick fix at a small company that was so desperate to hire anybody that they even told me exactly that in the goddam interview, and the rest was goddam history. I never actively searched for the job I wanted while twiddling my thumbs at that goddam useless corporation of mine, I never once truly got off my ass to make my dream of a fulfilling and challenging career into a reality. I just kept wasting away the days, surfing the internet and hoping that one eventful morning, lady luck would finally smile down upon me from heavens up high. I never once took charge of my goddam life...

Waiting and fighting for this job at the big bank for the past four months, that was my half-assed attempt at finally trying to earn the career that I dreamt of all those years ago. In hindsight however, I should have realized that I just didn't have the qualifications nor the extra mile of charisma to earn that development position during an economic time like this. When I think back, the perfect opportunity would've been to simply have taken that intern position from the big internet company that would've at least helped pad the resume, and given me six months of not feeling like a total fucking useless tool sitting on my ass. Yes, I still want that job at the big bank that I so covet, if only for the respect and confidence that I would have in myself again for earning such a position. But it was unrealistic of me to expect such an opportunity to just fall into my lap, not when there are thousands others just like me with even more qualifications and just as bad luck during this goddam recession. I should have played it safer, I shouldn't have been so fucking lazy. I should have simply taken that first job at the big internet company, if only so that I would at least have a better chance at earning that spot at the big bank in the future. I gambled, I tried to roll a hard six, and I fell flat on my face yet again. It's just so fucking frustrating and goddam embarrassing, but I have nobody to blame but myself...

I can just imagine what my peers at my old company are thinking of me now, after humiliating myself the other week by basically begging for my old job. That gang of "cool kids" is probably back together, and they care so little for me and my friend who worked at the company, that they even completely ignored his messages when he tried to contact them last week. I can just picture them laughing about me as an old afterthought of a joke during lunch, while celebrating the fact that their loyalty to that shitty ass company gave them a great job at a good company during an economic time like this. And of course, I just can't get past the fact that these guys won't even talk to me anymore, not even to laugh in my face instead of behind my back. I know I shouldn't be so self-conscious, I know I shouldn't give a damn what any of them think of me, but it's hard to ignore the fact that what they think of me is also what I believe about myself. I know I made a mistake, I completely fucked up, simply because I didn't have the patience or the foresight to put up with any of the crap that the managers kept shoving down my throat. In hindsight, I see that my little feud with the bosses meant absolutely nothing and cost me everything. Of course I feel humiliated, and of course I feel like a total dumbass. I stood up for myself for all the wrong reasons, and I lost a lot of trust and face from my peers as a result...

What I want is a second chance at the career I long for. What I dream of is that the position at the big bank finally becomes open again, that the hiring freeze is lifted because they realize they really do need someone to fill the job. I will then study my ass off in preparation for that final interview I never had, and make sure that I know all my shit since I truly believe that this will be my one shot at goddam redemption. And when I get the job, when I finally start down that career path I've always dreamed of, I'll make sure to do my best not to burn any bridges this time around. I care about this position, I care about my future, and I care about where it will lead me as a person in life. I would never let it take over my existence, I would never let it consume who I am, but I will make sure that it will help return the kind of confidence and contentment that I felt back in university when I felt I was on the path for bigger and better things. I need hope in my life, I do. I need to become more than I am...

What will probably happen though is nothing, absolutely goddam nothing. Because what's my current reality? Last week, I tried to pull myself from the gutters and the ashes, I thought I had choices thanks to a few interviews at small companies and a part-time opportunity with my old government coworker. But I feel even more helpless and useless this week, after I wasn't able to get any second interviews from those small companies I thought I represented myself well at, and now even the part-time gig I was promised has been delayed by a week or two. I don't even know if it's going to happen anymore, if I'm ever going to get another decent job to help out my resume, and now I'm seriously contemplating a return to school. Problem is, I don't have the work experience to earn an MBA, I don't have the grades in engineering to set foot in the goddam master's program, and sadly the only things stopping me from attending a college for programming certification is the fact that I'm lazy as fuck and also that my dad would be so embarrassed of me if I did. I know I shouldn't give a damn about what my family thinks, especially a parent who's obsessed with his first born son trying to match the education level of his doctor of a cousin. But the last thing I want is to disappoint my father again, especially after all the stunts I've pulled over the course of my career. I just want to say I'm sorry...

Back in high school, I always justified to myself that I would be content in my life, successful career or not, as long as I had a group of friends that I could truly fall back on and trust. Granted, I do have one great friend still who just had his birthday last night, but he's off in Charlotte and that leaves me with nobody to hang around with in this immediate world of mine. My other best friend, former that is, I don't know if I've truly forgiven him for what he did to me and my family, by simply ignoring me and screwing me over during my time of most need. I cannot stand the fact that he chose to abandon me simply because he values his career and the approval of his parents over being my true friend, but I'd be lying if I said I couldn't understand or relate. Maybe I haven't forgiven him, but I certainly have begun to forget. Like I said, I do have one truly great and loyal friend, but something just feels lacking in my life now that I have no direction in my career and absolutely no-one to confide in-person on a lonely Friday night. I'm not just getting older, I'm also becoming more alone, and that honestly scares me...

What I want in life is for my friend who abandoned me, I want him to just call me up on my birthday, I really do. I just want him to phone me up and wish me a happy birthday two weeks from now. I'll realize what kind of guts it takes for him to simply dial my number, I'll recognize that he really is trying to make amends by contacting me on the day I feel most lost and alone in life, and I will reward him by simply being honest and true to myself in return. I will admit that I've been mad at him, I will ask him for an explanation or apology, but I will be willing to take it on the chin if he still does not agree with how I feel. All I do care about, is that even if he's been angry that I haven't seen eye to eye with him, even if I've harboured these ill feelings towards him for so long now, that he's still a loyal and dedicated enough friend in the end to try and work things out, that he's willing to salvage twenty years of friendship by still inviting me out for my birthday. That's all I really want, the hope that I can learn to trust him again. I just want a reason to forgive him, I do. After all this time, I still just want the chance to tell him that I'm sorry...

But what will probably happen, the cold harsh reality is, he'll probably just forget about my birthday. He'll ignore me, simply because he won't have the guts or the loyalty to call me up when it truly matters. He'll harbour a grudge against me simply because he actually does value his career and the approval of his parents more than he'll ever value our friendship, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept the fact that he will ignore me even on my goddam birthday. That would be the last straw, and it'll be the first real step in simply moving on with my life without the close friend I've had for twenty fucking years. I don't want this to happen, I don't want this scenario to become a goddam reality, but he hasn't shown me even a hint that he's willing to consider my feelings and work things out. I like to hope for the best, I like to believe that he's a good person at heart, and I like to have faith that the last twenty years of friendship wasn't simply based on a lie. I like to think that I know him, but I said the same thing every single day during those two fucking months I tried to contact him, only to be completely shut out of his life. I'm willing to give it another try, I want to be able to forgive and forget. But I need a reason to, I do. I don't want to feel like a complete fool again...

What hurts me most in life though, no matter how hard I try to ignore the fact, is that the girl at work still hasn't contacted me after all this time. I know I said I wanted her out of my life, I know I said I wanted to move on, but I just can't help how I really feel, how I'm absolutely goddam heart-broken that I haven't heard from her for the past three months. The last time I called her, she said she would call me back, she told me with the most honest voice she could muster that she would contact me as soon as she could. I know I said I didn't believe her, I know deep down inside I realized that I was giving her the chance to get rid of me for good, and I knew that she would take that very opportunity to do so. I gave her a way out, I gave her a way to leave me, and I knew she would take it, but I just didn't believe she would. She's always in the past written me a little e-mail to see if I'm alright, two or three weeks down the road. She's always made sure to check up on me, half to make sure I'm still alive, and half to make sure that I'm not completely miserable thanks to her. I know I'm just a source of pity for her, I know I'm nothing more than a back-up who needs to grow a spine and simply move on with his life. But it still hurts knowing that for the first time in the two or more years that I've known her, she hasn't even had the courtesy to make sure I'm still there, waiting for her. She chose to ignore me, she chose to completely forget about me, and she probably doesn't feel a shred of guilt about her choice. I like to pretend like I'm the one who had the final say, that I'm the one who walked out on her, but that's simply not the truth. I gave her the choice, and she chose to leave. She left me, she did...

What I wish would happen is that she really can't forget about me, that she really can't move on with her life, just like I can't move on without her. What I want is that she will call me up on her birthday, mentioning that mine was just one day before hers, and make sure that I'm alright after all those previous birthdays when I told her that I'm not. I'm miserable whenever I turn one year older, it feels like honestly the weight of the world falls on my shoulders that day. I never feel more lonely, I never feel more alone, and I never feel more helpless and useless and lost than I do the day that I was goddam born. She knows this, I've told her this much in the past, and I just wish that she would remember it and care about my feelings and well-being so damn much that it even surprises her when she calls me for the first time in months. And when she does, even if she tries to hide and stay guarded, I will do my best from that point on to finally have the life with her that I've always dreamed we could have. I'm just looking for one sign of hope, one symbol that she cares for me more than she lets on, and then I will give her everything that I am. She's not just my hope for a better life, she can't just be another obsession and infatuation, not when it even surprises me how much I really honestly believe that I'm in love with her, I really honestly am. I want to make her happy, I want to feel her smile, and there's a part of me that simply can't believe she's content as the woman she is now, no matter how many times she has told me so in the past. I'm just looking for a sign, I'm looking for any hope that the feelings I experience are not all lies. I just want the chance to tell her I love her and that I'm so sorry...

But what will probably happen is that she won't even think of me on my birthday. And even if she does for a single moment in time, she'll still believe that what she's doing is right, that I'm not the man she's looking for, and after that I don't think I'll ever hear from her again. I made a promise that I would let her go if that's what she truly wants in life, and I intend to keep that promise if only since I have no choice. I want her to be happy, and I honestly think that she will be. When I think of her future, sometimes my imagination gets the best of me. I see her being content one day, with a son and a daughter and the kind of family that she has always wanted. But I'm not the father, I'm not the husband she spends the rest of her life with. Not even in my own visions of the future do I find myself in my own ideal world. Instead, when I can't help but drift off and envision my own destiny and fate, I see a son and I see a daughter running to greet me in my arms, but they're not my own children. When I see my future, I see myself as that crazy uncle that the children of my brother just love to meet. And whenever my brother and his wife think of me, they always wonder what happened to my life, how I wasted all my potential, how I never found that career I wanted or the girl I dreamt of, simply because I was too scared to fight when it truly mattered most. I think I will always be a good person, I think I will always be a good brother and a good son. But I don't think I will find love, I don't believe I will find the family I wish I will have. Call it paranoia, call it a quarter-life crisis, but somehow I just imagine myself being all alone. That's how I've felt these past three months, and it honestly scares me...

I know what I want in life, I honestly do. I want to be a good person, I want to be a good friend, I want to be a good husband, and I want to be a good father. I want to have the kind of life that I can respect, I want the kind of career that I can proudly look back on, and I want to be the kind of man that shall forever remain true to himself. Everyone has regrets in life, but not everyone has the courage or fortitude to correct their mistakes. I'm sorry that I failed in my career, I'm sorry that I've failed in my friendships, and I'm sorry that I've failed at making the only woman that I've ever loved happy. I'm sorry that even after four months of sitting on my ass feeling so helpless and so useless, that I still have no plan to get me out of this goddam mess that I've made for myself. This is my life and these are my problems, and I just want to set things right...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? No matter how many times I write that cliche, it still somehow feels true...

One month ago, when I started all these updates of mine again, I questioned why I had lost the will to write...

At least I have my answer.

Y2kk Update: Letting the days go by...

As more time passes, the more and more I wonder and think to myself, how did it come to this? My birthday will be coming up soon, I'll be turning 27 and I still have no real direction in life. I mean, I thought I had a goal to work towards just the other week. First, I'd get a job I can finally respect by working as a developer in a banking office. Then, I'd also be in downtown Toronto to finally discover a new group of friends and maybe find more time for older ones as well. And lastly, with all the women there I so often find attractive, surely there must be one of them suitable for me? That was my plan in life, to get the fucking job I wanted and then to finally get the rest of my shit in gear. But after everything collapsed on me so suddenly last week, I'm still reeling and left asking the question, where do I go from here?...

Turns out, the next predictable place to go was to fucking goddam humiliate myself even further all over again. My old company that I worked at and loathed for two fucking whole years finally was bought out by another company, and I was called by an old colleague of mine in order to sign my stock options away. Sure, I could've been an asshole and held up the deal by refusing to sign, but what would be the point in that except to have a litigation of lawyers on my goddam ass? So of course I didn't put up a fight, I simply gave away what little power I had left in that goddam company to try and finally move on from that dark period in my life. But of course, thanks to my utter stupidity and ignorance and naivete, another opportunity arose to fucking further embarrass myself in front of everyone I used to know at my goddam workplace...

The female colleague who called me, she told me the company that had bought out my old office was hiring for workers who have experience with the technology. Considering I was still unemployed and I was sure that I could get this job then, of course I asked her to put in a good word for me as I logged onto their website and submitted my resume. It wasn't until a couple days later that it finally hit home how dumb of a fucking move I had just goddam made. The HR manager at my old company, the one who claimed he was fucking laid off back in goddam December, phoned me up and confirmed if I had interest in joining the new corporation. Of course I reiterated yes, only for him to tell me that it was actually the old owner who wanted confirmation that I really did need the job. Turns out, the same fucking owner who forced me to quit all those months ago without a single penny of severance, was the one choosing who would get to move onto the new fucking company or not. Turns out, I never really had a chance of getting the new fucking position. The fucking vengeful asshole just wanted to know that I was basically begging for a job after I goddam quit on him, and yeah, I never heard from the HR manager or my old company after that call again...

Wow, was that ever humiliating. My old fucking owner who basically threw me out of the company with the way he treated me, got to witness my shitty self basically grovelling to get back into his good graces all over again. Sure, I never meant for that to happen, but who can I really blame but myself? That old female colleague of mine had no idea I was forced to quit my job, or at least I hope she didn't know when she offered to submit my resume. Really, it was my own fault that I didn't think of the consequences of asking for a position, especially considering I should have considered that the old fucking, vindictive owner would still be pulling the strings like he always controllingly has. And now? Now, I'm sure I'm the laughing stock of whoever did manage to sneak into that new company, one with a reasonably respectable name to pad on the resume. I can only imagine my old former partner of a coworker, the one I spent every single lunch with, honouring my name with a shot with all his fucking drinking buddies, since it was my own utter stupidity that led to him getting a new full time position over myself. Just fucking great, as if I needed yet another fucking swift kick to the nuts after everything that's happened to me over the past few months...

It still bothers me, how I lost such a good friend back then. My partner at work, he was a man who I could trust at the time, and it's so hard for someone to earn my trust. I know that big things happened in his life, I know he got married and then had all the stress over losing his job. I sympathize with him, I do, but he just wasn't there for me when I needed him to support me back. Nowadays, I can only imagine him being the first one to toast to my humiliating demise. He was always quick to turn on other people, I just wonder why I always chose to be with friends who are like that. I know I'm a petty man at times, I know I'm lonely and clingy in a way I should not be, but I've always considered it to be much better to have a few close friends than to have your name known by everyone else. I shouldn't allow myself to feel so hurt like I was, I should just be able to shrug it all off. But I haven't been that kind of man my entire life, and he knew that. He just didn't care, that's all...

As for my other friend, my long term one from elementary school? He still hasn't contacted me, not in the way I was hoping he would. He's never apologized, he's never been considerate of my feelings, and he hasn't once even made mention of making it up to me after all he's bloody hell done. But with my birthday coming, with myself realizing how fucking alone I still feel, I can't help but wonder if I'm simply being too harsh. Have I given him ample chances to explain himself? Of course, but never once did I truly confront him and demand an apology, simply because I know it won't mean as much if I do. But since when have guys supposed to be so vindictive and judgmental that way? Maybe I should just let bygones be bygones, I don't know. He insulted my family and he hurt me when I was feeling most down in my life, but it doesn't mean I should never turn the other cheek. I'm getting older, and I've already forgiven him so many times in my life. What's one more? Maybe...

I guess, there's the point where I am in my existentialist crisis right about now. I've been whining and pining about having a better life for so long now, and my first attempt at attaining my goal naturally fell through the fucking cracks. Yes, I wanted the job at the big bank, yes I wanted a new life with new friends in downtown Toronto, and yes I wanted to finally find the girl that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with. But obviously since things haven't exactly gone to plan, and now that I've further embarrassed myself by unwittingly begging for a job from the goddam asshat who made me quit, I really need to ask myself the same hard question time after time again, where do I go from here? I've had enough of whining, I've had enough of griping and complaining. I'm sick of being so passive, I'm tired of always goddam settling. It's about fucking time I actually did something to improve my life. I just wish I knew what I could really do at a time like this, that's all...

When it comes to my friends? Maybe I will extend that olive brand to my long term friend, I don't know. He has been my buddy for twenty fucking years, and as much as he hurt me over the past few months, it's not really in me to hold a grudge for so long. As for my other friends, mainly from university? Some have already made me feel better by finally contacting me again after all these months. It's about time I started to return the favour. They've got jobs and wives and friends, so why shouldn't I join them on some nights out or lunches or movies or whatever they're up to on the weekends? Why just sit around at home in my safe little bunker of a haven, all because I wish these people would care about me more than they actually do? Friends are friends, I need to see them for who they really are. I may have issues with jealousy and trust, but why should that stop me when they help me have a good time and remind of the days when I thought I would have a lot more?...

When it comes to the job search? During a recession, everyone likes to think there's an easy answer when there really isn't. I've decided not to go back to that small company that actually gave me an offer, I'm not the type to beg for a job after how miserably I treated them. If they actually choose to contact me again, maybe that'll be an option, but right now I still don't want to settle on such a small company where I would actually be the owners' right hand man. In the meantime? I may have a part time gig lined up with my old manager from the government. It's not the ideal dream job, but considering he's always been a great mentor and a good reference, why burn bridges now after he's offered to help me out? It's something decent to put on the resume, and it's not like it's a long term commitment to prevent me from attaining that actual full time job that I can goddam respect. Before losing out on the big bank, I was always reluctant to take on any opportunity, simply because I did not want to jeopardize my chances at the career I actually wanted. Now that the bank has turned me down, what's my excuse now?...

And as for my love life? Week after week, day after day, time after time again, I still think of the girl I care about. And as expected, as my birthday draws closer and closer to the date (and so does hers just one day after), my mind keeps playing tricks on me, to try to convince myself to just give her a call one last time. But as much as I like to dream of a storybook ending, where the guy finally gets the girl after fighting for her hand for so very long, I already know how this novel will end. I've already been down this road, and while I'm sure the girl I care for would love that I be her backup suitor for as long as she is single, I just can't stomach the complete lack of confidence and self-esteem I would feel by just hanging around her and essentially being her lackey. It's just not enough for us that I care for her, and it's just enough for me that she doesn't mind having me as a friend. I want more, and the only regret I have is not demanding more when I goddam had the chance...

Reading over my past updates, which I so often do during times of personal reflection, I almost get a sense that if I only I had been more bold, if only I had been more brave, if only I had swept her off her feet, then the girl from work and I could have been together. Even my March updates about her still give me a feeling like if only I had kissed her passionately on the lips, then all her shy reservations and doubts about me would've just faded away. It's my own personal trap though, I know it is. I'm obsessed with her, always have been and maybe always will. The truth is, she has no interest in me, and the naive notions of an instant romantic fix just are not meant to be. I felt this way every time I tried to call her on the phone, I felt this way every single time she would pretend I wasn't there when I was right in front of her eyes. I like to think to myself that if you really want something in life, never take no for an answer. And yet, sometimes you simply have no choice but to walk away...

When you care for a girl as much as I do about her, even if we never had a real relationship, it's still so fucking frustrating and hard to forget everything that has happened and just move on. But what other choice do I have? I know as a seemingly young guy, it's not normal these days to be hoping for a potential wife, to wish that I was a family man, when I'm still single and all I'm supposed to do is flirt with women and have a good time. That's not who I am though, it never has been and probably never will. And if there has ever been one single goddam constant in my life, it's that I can never seem to tolerate not being true to who I really am and what my heart tells me to do...

I feel a calling, that feeling deep down inside the pits of my stomach, you know? I feel the need to be a family man, to simply be with her as much as I can, I really honestly do. And as the days and months and years go by, I feel that calling grow inside of me every fucking step of the way. When I turn 27 this year, she will be turning 25. Will this be the year that she finally feels that same calling too? Part of me so desperately wishes I can be there for her when she finally does. But waiting is simply not an option, not when she promised to contact me but never fucking has. If I have any self-respect, I will simply leave her be, let her find her own calling in life, and simply move on with my own...

I can't promise myself that I will ever truly forget her, I can't guarantee that she will ever truly leave my mind. But if there is one promise I have made and that I intend to keep, it's that I will not contact her unless I know that there is a real chance that she and I will someday be something more. I know what I want, and I want her. But not like this, not until she feels for me like I feel for her. And until then? I know what I have to do, and I know where I have to go from here. I may not like it, but I need to move on. I hope she finds what she is looking for in life, I really do...

Letting the days go by, week after week, year after year, time after time again, I feel the same way every single month that my birthday comes around. It's a bloody no-win paradox at times, it really is. If you want something so bad, never take no for an answer. Yet sometimes, a man simply has no choice but to swallow his pride and move on with his goddam life. I don't know which of the two sides I was exactly meant to pick here, but at least I feel sure that I've made my own personal choice, and I actually intend to keep it...

I know it's going to feel harder and harder as my birthday draws close. I know I'm going to feel more bitter and more alone every fucking day...

But I also know deep inside in my heart, that I will always remain true to my real self, simply because that's who I am and that's all I know...

... it's kind of my calling...

Y2kk Update: I know what I want in life, I honestly do. But I just can't catch a fucking break, can I?...

Things were finally starting to look up for me. After getting an offer from that small company weeks ago, I had a lot more confidence in myself even after choosing to turn them down. I realized that maybe I do have the ability to get almost any career that I want out there if only I put my mind to it, and then I spent the next weeks of my life mentally preparing myself for my last chance at the big bank that I've wanted to become a part of for so long now. My interview with them was scheduled for tomorrow, and it was supposedly down to just two final candidates, myself and one other guy. I honestly felt in my gut that this was my chance, that this was my pivotal opportunity in life, and I would do everything in my power to finally make the future that I want for myself to goddam happen...

A week ago to this day, last Tuesday actually, I was feeling so much better about myself than I have in months. The sun was finally shining here in Canada again, and I was finally waking up in the morning once more with a goddam purpose. That afternoon, I took it upon myself to go to the driving range for the first time this year, and my fucking God did it ever feel good to have that kind of mental and physical release. I still suck at golf, I even tore the skin off my right middle finger because I got lazy on a swing and didn't hold the goddam club right. But for those few times when I actually did hit a perfect shot, for those few precious moments when my body was frozen perfectly on a follow-through and I simply watched that golf ball soar with the most amazing of determination and loft? Those are the moments when I completely forget about all the shit that has happened to me, about all the crap that I've done and failed to do in the past. Those are the very moments that make me want to wake up with a goddam smile the next fucking morning. Tuesday last week was the best day I've had in my life for a very long time...

Today I woke up to a phone call from that big bank recruiter I've been hearing from since goddam December. After all these months, after I fucking turned down two decent job offers in the hopes of finally landing the career that I actually want, of course today had to be the day that I was simply told that I cannot have what I want in life. Of course, only now does she tell me that my interview has been cancelled, not just delayed again but goddam cancelled, because of a sudden "hiring freeze" that conveniently only hit them now instead of way back when the goddam recession began. Obviously, I can't take their HR's words at face value, and of course I can try to argue with them to prove my initiative and commitment to their cause. But after four fucking months of chasing this one fucking position at the goddam bank that I've wanted to work at for so long, only to be spat in the face and kicked in the gut the very moment that I was prepping myself for the fucking final interview? You can bet your ass that I just wanted to scream my ass off. Fuck, I just wanted at least one day of goddam reprieve...

I feel so stupid now, I honestly do. I feel like a complete douchebag of a dumbass, that's all. When it comes to that big name company who wanted me all those months ago? I don't blame myself for turning down their low offer back in December, considering I had so many better potential options at the time, but what about in January when they called me back and actually offered me a bit more money? And I feel so bad now for how I treated the small company that put so much faith into me that they even waived their hands-on technical test earlier this month. I hesitate to contact them again, essentially begging them for a job. I know, I know, hindsight is 20/20, and I am simply not the kind of guy who will take an offer and allow himself to be paid and trained, fully knowing I might leave for a better place just two or three weeks down the road. I honestly thought I had a real chance at this job at the big bank, and it was goddam where I fucking wanted to be in my goddam life...

I am so sick and tired of settling for these small companies. I just want to feel like an equal to my peers for once, I just want to feel like my life is moving somewhere forward in life, you know? I want a resume I can be confident to show, I want a career that I can be fucking proud of, and I want to know that I'm smart and capable enough of being the kind of person that I want to fucking be. I just feel like my life has fallen so far behind everyone else's, you know? My brother just got a promotion last year at his big company, he'll be moving into a new apartment the week before my birthday, he's leaving for his trip to Japan early tomorrow morning, and he's even been thinking seriously about marriage with his long-term girlfriend as well. My sister, she may have quit her job after her wedding because it was too stressful for her at the time, but she had already accomplished so much at two big companies that it's no wonder why she's now applying for an MBA in order to start her own business overseas. My younger cousin, he's back at medical school again this week and he's training hard every day to become a doctor. Not only that, but even though he started off as a complete nerd and geek like I still may be, he's now developing into a very social guy who has the kind of university life that I wish I had all those fucking years ago...

Of course I'm jealous, why wouldn't I be when my 27th birthday is just around the corner? I'm getting older and I want so very much in life still. I wanted so much for this big bank to be my goddam chance to finally right all the wrong decisions I've made in the past. And yet here we are again, deja vu and full fucking circle, as it turns out I've fallen into a complete fucking mess of shit all over again. I know what I want in life, I honestly really do. But I just can't catch a goddam fucking break, now can I? Why is that?...

Or perhaps the better question is the same I asked all those months ago. Where do I go from here?...

I mentioned that I've been feeling so much better and so much more confident about myself, until this fucking morning when I was basically kicked in the groin while down. Alas, there's always a "but" or an "if only" there, of course. There's always a chink in my armour, and as you two readers out there know, it's always about her. Today especially, I've been thinking of nothing but her, of how my mind was completely flooded with images of her face and songs of her voice all those months ago when my grandfather passed away, when I fucking lost my job, and when I fucking lost my friend. After this morning's mourning and shock that I had been a complete trusting dumbass for all these past months, I was still thinking of her and only her. She never leaves my mind, I can't forget her eyes, no matter how hard I try. I wish she could just feel the same damn way, but I know she moved on from me a long time ago. I need to do the same, I know I do...

Even so, my mind and my heart never really do see eye to eye. Over the past few days, I've been watching this YouTube video of an "Asian Line Dance". It's a low quality piece of shit that didn't catch my attention until the camera finally concentrated on this awkward, clumsy girl in jeans and a tight T-shirt at the end of the video. She was so horrible at the dance, she forgot half of the moves and could barely pretend to look fluid for the rest. But I don't know why, there's just something about her, her look and her clutch klutzness of a charm, that somehow reminds me of the girl I fell in love with all those years ago. As she's waving her arms frantically in the air, not realizing she's completely off-beat and out of sync with everyone else on the goddam dance floor, I can't help but think to myself of all those moments in the past when the girl I care about thought she was doing the right thing in her mind, but I could feel in her words and actions that she was not in sync with her heart...

She told me once that she doesn't dance. I softly replied that I'm quite uncoordinatingly enough the same. But to me, dancing is such a personal thing, it's such a meaningful action, that I wouldn't dance for anyone else. As I was watching that crappy video, I realized something over and over again. I do want to dance, it's just that I only want to dance with her. I don't care how dumb I feel or exposed I may be, as long she accepts and loves me for who I am. I mean, I miss her, I do. I don't know when that will ever change. And I truly know deep down in my heart that there's a good chance that I may never be able to fully get over her. But sometimes, all you can do is walk away and hope that one day, if she never does come back to me, she'll simply fade into a part of myself that I don't need to remember every single time I see a smile...

After the events of this morning, I so completely wish she would just call me, I so completely wish I could just write her and hear her voice. But I know that it will all lead to nothing more than goddam heartache. She may forever be the girl that got away from me and I need to accept that. I feel like there was once a chance we could have been together, and it kills me that I lost her after all I've done, after all I've failed to do. She is who I want more than anyone else in the entire world. If only perhaps we had been together, maybe I wouldn't feel like I do today? Maybe I would feel like my life is moving forward and that I didn't have so much left to prove to myself? She's found herself a good career, she has a great group of friends she talks to every day, and she can pretty much have any guy that she actually wants when she desires a real relationship. Like I said, even if she cared about me at all before, she moved on with her life a long time ago. I know what I want in life, and I do want her. But when you know it's just not meant to goddam be, all you can do is hope that one of us is happy. I certainly do hope that she is...

I don't even have many friends anymore to confide in, or at least not that best friend of mine all the way back from elementary school. We've spent so many years together, shared so many goddam fears and secrets, and then he chooses to throw me on the back of the bus merely because of his goddam job. I mean yes, I get it, I understand how important a career can be to a guy, especially after how losing this opportunity at the big bank has made me feel. But just like with the girl at work, just like with my sister in the past, and now with this fucking friend of mine who I never actually expected to behave this way, I cannot stand the fact that I'm being ignored for just a goddam job. Not a family, not a significant other, but just a fucking goddam job. I'm sorry, but I can't accept it. I don't care what career it is, I don't care what they're paying you, I don't care how important it is that you keep your salary unless you have a fucking family of your own to feed. The fact of the matter is, I am not important enough to the girl at work and I am not important enough to my fucking best friend of twenty fucking years, for him to even call me back when I tried to get in contact with him every single day for two fucking months. WTF?...

He did call me though, last week that is. The sorry part of it all was that he didn't even apologize, he didn't even seem to care about what he's done. He knows how hurt the girl at work has made me feel after all these years, he knows that my psyche just can't handle being ignored for something as trivial in my mind as a goddam job. If there's one thing in my life that I can't tolerate, if there's one thing in my life that makes me feel betrayed, it's the feeling of being abandoned for the love of goddam money and goddam resume self-fucking-worth. Like I said, I understand how valuable these things are to his confidence and his goddam fragile ego, but at the cost of losing your best fucking friend? Really, his 50K at a shit job is more important than me? I wrote to him every single day in December, every single day in January, and I pleaded to him throughout every single phone call all the way to fucking February to explain himself. And for what? Just for him to tell me how busy he is, that I can't understand the kind of stress he's under, that I wouldn't understand because I'm goddam unemployed? And yet now he calls me up, demands that I go out with him simply because he's "frustrated", without even giving a goddam apology for all he's done? WTF?...

I'm sorry, but I just could not accept. This is not what I want in life. I'm sorry, but I want a person with dedication, a person with loyalty, and person who actually gives a damn about how I'm feeling. I'm sorry, goddammit, but I want a real friend. Is that really too much to ask?...

I admit, I love the girl I fell for at work, I really honestly do. I'm crazy about her, I think about her night and day, no matter how hard I try not to. But a life with a woman who cares nothing for me is not what I want in life. I want to feel like an equal, I want to love and I want to be loved, and I want someone to comfort me when I'm down and blue like I'm feeling today. I want a wife, I want a family, I never want to feel alone. I want to be a good man, I want to be a good husband, and I want to be a good father. I want this so much in life. Is this too much to ask?...

I am so sick and tired of settling for everything I have in life. I thought, finally this bank was my big break to right the wrongs I feel I've made. I thought I could finally move forward in my career, or maybe even start to understand why the people I care so much for in life ignore me for their goddam jobs. I hate being ignored, I hate being abandoned, and I just want to understand why it happens to me, why I keep choosing the ones who leave me behind. I will never want a career to take over my entire existence, but I do want a chance to prove to myself that I am not the worthless pile of shit they left behind all those years ago. I want to be the man who I thought I could be. Is that too much to ask, really?...

I want the perfect shot in golf, I honestly do. I may rip off the skin from my right hand and burn blisters through the left, I may even pull my back and tear my shoulder like I did last week when I hit the ground so fucking embarrassingly hard. But those few fucking times that the ball actually flies far and soars? Those few fucking times I can feel proud of myself for that single moment of goddam perfection? I thought I finally had a chance at that in a career. I thought I finally had a chance at that in a friend. I thought I finally had a chance at that with the girl I love...

But the girl I care for, is gone. The best friend I knew from so long ago, is gone. The career I've always dreamed of, as of today, I know is gone. And the question remains, what do I do now? Where do I go from here? Why can't I just catch a single fucking goddam break?...

I know what I want in life, I honestly do. A career I can be proud of. A best friend to confide in. A girl that I can love. My own life to live...

But today was simply another reminder, I can't have what I want.

Y2kk Update: It's been a long time since I last had the will to write. I wrote that I didn't know the reason why, but maybe that was simply a lie...

I know why I stopped writing, and it was because I promised myself I would not write about her. I fell in love with the girl from work long ago, but she never felt the same way about me. I knew I had to get over her, I knew that I had to move on, so I tried to force myself to forget all about her, to live my life without her smile constantly on my mind. That's why I lost the will to write, because the only reason I had left to write was her. To forget about her, I had to forget about writing. But it didn't work, not for long...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how I could love a woman who has never loved me back. Granted, there was a time long ago that she and I seemed like we would have a chance at being a couple. When we first met, I remember we had that sort of chemistry that just somehow clicked. We would talk hours upon hours over instant messengers over everything and nothing. I still recall our first day of e-mails back and forth, as I kept making fun of the song that goes "time after time", simply as a running joke from our laugh about it earlier in the morning. Back then, she would laugh and smile whenever I was around, and she even found the little excuses to tap me on the shoulder or touch me on the arm whenever she had the chance. I still remember our first night out together as an ice cream date for our shared birthdays. I was so worried at the time, filled with that nervous sort of excitement that only a night out with a beautiful woman can provide. I don't recall what we talked about as we laughed and smiled with the Dairy Queen in our hands. I just remember that I had a great time, and that deep down inside my gut I felt like she had the real potential to be the girl I've always dreamed of...

Things never quite went according to plan after that evening though. I invited her out for a night at a Raptors playoffs game, and felt so lonely after she declined. We eventually went out for a movie together, except she brought her best friend with her and I soon became a third wheel, considering it was so obvious that he had feelings for her just the same as I. Eventually, my affection and my infatuation with her couldn't be contained anymore, and after I was terrified that she caught me talking behind her back one lunch afternoon, I sent her two fateful "emo-mails" to ask her out for the big reveal. When the time finally came and I told her how I felt about her, the reaction I got could never be forgotten from my mind, not ever. She laughed at me, she laughed at my feelings and she laughed at who I was. I admit, I will forever regret how I told her that I cared about her, considering I never passionately stared deep into her eyes or held her hand, all because I was so scared and nervous of rejection. But I never once imagined that she would laugh and palm her face at the deepest feelings I've ever experienced. She was the first girl who I've ever actually told how I felt about her, and perhaps to my regret, I've never had the courage to ever tell her again...

She and I, we never really ever clicked after that point. The hour long discussions over lunch and instant messengers eventually turned into one word responses. The attraction that she once felt towards me, like whenever I came close to her with my shirt undone, she no longer bothered to stare like I was the only one for her anymore. I still remember that one time, after running for the train before my morning commute, I had simply rolled up my sleeves when I got into work to try to cool down as I sat next to her at a meeting. The way she stared so driven with intent at me, the way she bit her lip and curled her fingers, it was like I could just sense she wanted me, it was like she just froze there in time waiting to be grabbed. There were moments that I could feel so much passion between us, to just shove her against a wall and do wonders to her body. She once arrived to work in a perfect form-fitting blouse, and for some reason that I still cannot properly describe, every fiber of my entire being was consumed with the sweetest scent from the back of her neck. I know this sounds both sad and strange to say at the same time, but I have never ever felt the way about a woman as I did the girl at work. There were so many times that I just wanted to hold her, to caress her and tell her how beautiful she glowed. But the moment after I revealed to her the way I felt, the day after she laughed in my face at my feelings for her, she never once shared those same glances in my direction any longer. She never once wanted me by her side again, especially when it was finally time for her to leave the office...

The day that I learned that she had quit? We were walking down flights of stairs together when all of a sudden, she practically jumped on me with an excited squeal and told me she was leaving the company to go work with her former colleagues. And in all honesty, I actually was so damn excited for her that I actually had the urge to grab her, hold her deep in my arms, and even kiss her on the lips like I had felt the passion for all those months ago. In the end though, I don't know why I never did give her an embrace, but I was sad and sappy enough to send her an e-mail with the Muppets dancing to "Celebrate Good Times" at least. I really was honestly and genuinely happy for her, and that night, it actually shocked me that my feelings for her still felt so true. I could feel it deep down inside, I was so fucking happy because she had been so happy with me, shining that smile of hers once again for the first time in months. It had been so long since I had seen her that damn warm and open and caring, that I couldn't help but feel the goddam same...

I made it my resolve that night to actually ask her out one last time. I mean, what did I have to lose, right? She was leaving the company, and like I had promised myself so long ago, if she and I no longer had to work together, I would risk it all and try to win her heart one final time. That night, I went over to her desk and tried to ask her out. I told her I wanted to congratulate her on her new career, and that I wanted us to go out and celebrate by treating her out to dinner or something. Just a few hours earlier that day, she had looked like the happiest girl I had ever known, and I was so damn relieved that she had trusted me with the news that she was leaving the job. That had meant so much to me, being the first person she would tell, and I only wanted to try to repay her back...

I wanted to ask her out to dinner and tell her how I felt again, this time while staring deep into her eyes and holding her hand, the way I should have expressed my feelings all those months ago. Just a few hours before, she was the happiest girl I had ever known, she reminded me of the woman that I fell in love with the moment I first laid eyes on her smile. But as soon as I asked her out again that night, as soon as she realized perhaps what I was trying to do, her demeanor completely changed. She got so annoyed at me, so upset that I wanted to be with her. Why is that? She told me there was "nothing to talk about", nothing to fucking discuss with me, and repeated it over and over again as I tried to insist. I didn't want to take no for an answer, considering my feelings for her were on the line yet again, but what else could I say? After she shook her head with a reserved yet passionate anger that I had witnessed so many damn times over the past few months, I had no choice but to let my feelings sink back to the depths of my gut and walk away in failure and embarrassment. I wanted so desperately to be with her, but sometimes what you want is simply not meant to be. I was so lost that night, I didn't even know how to think or act. It hurts so much to care about someone so deeply, only to realize time after time again that they feel absolutely nothing in return...

I tried to be a good person though. I tried to be the better man. She was leaving for a new job, so the least I could do was invite her out to one final lunch, not as a date but as coworkers. This time, she accepted, but probably only because our other colleague would be there as the third wheel of protection. The lunch went fine, I had even rehearsed in the mirror the night before all the stories and anecdotes I would tell, and I was even completely caught off guard when the girl at work actually asked me to spend more time with her, bringing us to a nearby coffee shop that sells some of the best Chocolate-Walnut cookies I've ever had. It was winter at the time, and when we stepped into that warm as summer store, our glasses fogged up together and our faces lit up as we shared a laugh. The smile she gave to me was one of the warmest and deepest smiles I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I know now that it was all for nothing, but that moment is still forever etched in memory, as the last time I ever truly felt she cared about me. It was just a smile, I know it was just a smile, but I can never forget how happy she looked as we stared into each other's eyes. It was just a moment, one meaningless moment I know, but she truly was so beautiful as she glowed...

Of course, that's when things always take a turn for the worse. Our discussion around the coffee table was funny and pointless in a friendly sort of way. We bantered and bickered, not like coworkers but rather like old friends, or even like an old couple rekindling that lost youth. But as soon as our third colleague left for the washroom, that's when the girl at work suddenly turned so cold and harsh towards me. She seemed perfectly happy and jovial one moment, then her gaze turned so bitter and brash the next. She started to argue with me, criticizing that I don't try to make friends with the other coworkers in the office. She started to berate me, warning me that I will never be a better man if I don't socialize and open up. This all happened the very second that our other coworker left for the washroom, and really, what did I do to deserve this? One moment, we were talking like a perfect couple, even finishing off each other's sentences like we did when we first met. And then all of a sudden, she acted like she couldn't stand the sight of me, with a disgusted look in her eyes like she couldn't believe a man as pathetic as I could ever dare to have feelings for a woman like her. In her eyes, I was beneath her. WTF?...

She and I, we went out one other time that week, to another lunch that my colleague had invited her out to. She and I, we barely spoke that day, I was still so gravely hurt from her arguments towards me just a couple days before. I tried to ignore her, but as usual, I couldn't bear to see her lonely or in pain. Eventually I tried to warm up to her, eventually I tried to keep her company. It was all in vain though. The moment we were left alone, the moment that it was just her and I waiting together for the traffic light, she ripped into me again. She looked down at me with those damn disgusted and disappointed eyes like she had done just a couple days before. She argued and said straight to my face that I'm a liar, that "I lie" to her about all the things that matter, and that she couldn't stand it any longer. I was speechless, I was completely off guard. What was I to say? I wanted to ask what she was angry at me for, I wanted to know what exactly I had done wrong, I wanted to apologize and try to make things better. But like I said, I was speechless. What did I lie about to her? What did she want me to say?...

Two nights later was the company Christmas party, one of the last times I would ever get to see her in person. I was so scared about that evening, I was so terrified that her and I would go so wrong. All those months before, when I had asked her out for ice cream on our birthdays, I felt that nervous sort of excitement that everyone misses so badly when it's gone. But before the Christmas party, I was so morbidly depressed and petrified, simply because I knew I would be able to see her all night long but not be able to say a goddam word that meant a thing. I knew she would seem so happy with others but so damn angry and disappointed if I came along. I knew that I would not be welcome, that I would not be wanted, but I felt I had no choice but to show my face anyways. And that evening, I tried my best at the start to avoid her, I tried my best to just keep things pleasant and political and as civil as possible. But when her own mother (whom she had brought as a guest to the party) came by my side, I just couldn't stand back and say nothing. I almost felt like this was my one last miracle of a chance for the girl at work and I to finally solve our differences and end up together, so of course I couldn't resist the urge to say hello...

She and her mother and I, we talked like a goddam family for almost an entire hour straight. I already forget what we had conversed about, whether it was over the other siblings or the new career or even the Nintendo Wii her mother had bought for the youngest daughter. Everything felt so perfect, everything felt so right in the universe for forty-five damn minutes of the night, as the girl at work and I were talking so naturally and so damn casually like we were already the closest of goddam couples. But things never turn out the way I hope and dream they will, because as soon as the girl I care so much for got the chance to leave, she did. When my instincts took over and I simply turned back towards her to spend more of the night together, that's when she snapped at me, that's when she got so fucking bitter and annoyed and screamed out at the top of her lungs, "WHAT?!?", forcing me to leave. She warned me to get the fuck away, she couldn't even stand the sight of me at a goddam party. Seriously, what was I to do, what was I to say? She hated me so fucking much that she even publicly embarrassed herself to get me to leave her sight? What else could I have possibly done in that situation? What else was I to fucking say?...

I spent the rest of the evening hidden like a pathetic loser in the washrooms and the basement lounge. My worst fears had been realized, that she and I would never be together, no matter how hard I tried. Her mother by the end of the night, she seemed to actually see some potential in me, confiding in me with some of her daughter's personality secrets, enough so that she was calling me into her daughter's cab for the long ride home. But how could I possibly accept, how could I willingly sit by the girl at work's side for another damn hour, when it was only her mother calling me in while the woman I love was hiding herself by the corner of the seat, pretending like I didn't even goddam exist. Before she ran into that cab, before she dragged her mother in with her like it was the end of the goddam world, the girl at work didn't even bother to say good night. She didn't even bother to wave goodbye as I stood there so cold and silent, with my arm pathetically raised in the hope that the woman I care so much for would actually fucking goddam respond. She never did, I didn't expect she would. She and I, we can never be together, no matter how much I do care for her, no matter how hard I actually try. Hell, I even got along with her mother, but it all means nothing in the end...

... the things that one will tell a cab driver...

Since then, I've been so lonely and so desperate to just move on with my life. I miss her, I do, I won't deny that. But I promised myself long ago that I would simply let her be. If you love someone, if you truly do care, then sometimes the best thing is to simply let them go and hope they return. She never did though, she never really gave enough of a damn about me to check if I was alright. It was just unfortunate that I couldn't keep my promise. It was just disappointing that I let my emotions get the best of me yet again, and I couldn't help but write her one last time...

The week that my grandfather passed away, I was so lost and so depressed. I should've been closer to him, but I loved him for who he was and for everything he had done for me in my life. In my eulogy, every single damn time I remembered my grandfather and grandmother holding hands, I couldn't help but imagine and dream of the life that the girl at work and I could have had. By that point, months had passed with barely a whisper from her side of things, and yet the week when my grandpa passed away, I could remember the girl at work's face more perfectly than I could see my own reflection in the goddam mirror. Before my grandfather's death, I was finally starting to move on with my life, or so I had thought. The moment that I lost someone dear to me for the first time in my life was the very moment that I started to see her smile and hear her laugh all over again every waking hour of the goddam day, and even more often than that at night. I was consumed by her again, she was the only person I could even possibly think of. I knew I had to give her one last chance, I knew I just couldn't give up. The promise to move on meant nothing to me, the consequences meant nothing to me. She meant everything, and I knew I had to give us just one last, final chance...

The week that I lost my job, the week that I was forced to quit from my goddam workplace while everyone else was getting goddam laid off, that was the week where I was trying to meet up with the girl who left the office nine months before, but she cared so little for me that she actually "forgot" about our goddam date. I was so morbid that afternoon, I could barely even touch my lunch there at work. I didn't actually care about my job, I didn't actually care that I would be forced to quit without severance pay whatsoever. All I did give a shit about, was that the girl that I had entrusted all my feelings to again after the death of my grandfather, cared so damn little for me still that she completely forgot and cancelled the night out that we had planned. After returning home from my last day of work, I still remember so clearly that evening alone all by myself. I felt so damn angry and lonely, so damn ashamed and embarrassed about my life, that I felt just as lost and hopeless as I did the very moment that my grandfather took his final breath before my eyes. I couldn't believe she would do this, I couldn't believe she would forget and ignore me all over again, especially during the damn week that I was telling her everything that was happening to me at work. She couldn't even spare one fucking Friday of her existence to remember me during one of the most painful and darkest periods of my life? WTF?...

She tried to make it up to me though, at least I could take some solace in that. After two years of asking for it but never receiving, she gave me her phone number to call, and I guess it meant a lot to me that she finally did. We rescheduled our little date, although I kept it much more low key than the dinner we originally planned, simply because I was too scared of being hurt all over again. I met her at Eaton's Centre for simply hot chocolate during her lunch break one day, I even dressed up in a brand new white sweater in the hope that she would notice. When I first saw her, when I first laid eyes on her again after so many months, I was almost hoping that trumpets would sound, that I would fall in love with her at first sight all over again. That didn't happen, but as I spent more and more time with her that afternoon, as I heard her giggle and chuckle like the innoncent girl she is, the more and more I could feel my feelings for her bubble back to the surface of my gut. I was falling in love with her all over again, and all it took was a sip of hot chocolate to see her smile. Her face, her hair, she was even more beautiful to me than before...

I had a present for her, a copy of The Killing Joke comic that was her absolute favourite when she was a little girl. She was so surprised and overjoyed when she saw it, and she praised me since she had been thinking of getting a copy for such a long time (she told me a year ago, I remembered). She embraced me with the sweetest hug I have ever felt before, and I still remember that passionate scent from the back of her neck, the gentle strands of hair falling gracefully off the tip of my nose like winter's first snowflakes. She and I, we just looked into each other's arms and eyes and I was so tempted to simply hold and caress her by the cheek, to push her hair carefully beneath her ear, and tenderly grace her lips so ever gently with my own. I remember, I loved her from the very moment I laid eyes on her the first time, and my feelings after all these months apart had simply not faded away. We spent her entire lunch break talking about everything and nothing, just like the good old days when everything used to click so well between her and I. The moment she stepped back into her office, the moment we hugged one last time to say goodbye, I felt so bitter and confused all over again. I missed her so much, like we had never been apart...

Before we met that afternoon, I had hoped that our meeting would finally give me some much needed closure, that I could finally see her one last time and move on with my life. But that wasn't the way things turned out, that wasn't the way things were meant to be. I loved her and that would not change. I've tried, I've so desperately tried, but I just can't leave her, no matter how hard I lie to convince myself I want to. I called her a few days later and asked if we could meet up again, for lunch or dinner or whatever she wanted. But as usual, just like before, she sounded completely unsure of herself and acted like she didn't care to see me ever again. I tried to compromise, I asked if I could simply stop by her office to say hello the day that I had an interview, and she agreed. When I got there though, I got none of the kindness and care she had shown me the time before when we met for hot chocolate. She showed me none of the warmth or willingness to open herself up like she did before. She was simply there, almost like a statue, completely indifferent to my presence as if I didn't matter to her at all. Of course I gave her a hug, of course I tried to talk to her as casually and lovingly as I did before, but she would have none of it. She was "busy" with work and couldn't be bothered to sample her emotions, or so she explained. What else could I do, what else could I say? She asked if she could return back to her office, and so I obliged. She had nothing to talk to me about that afternoon. I felt so embarrassed after I had hoped for so much...

There was just one last time we would meet up. I couldn't have simply left on the terms that we did, so I tried my best to arrange at least one last meeting between the both of us before I would finally decide whether to move on with my life or tell her how I felt again. I used Christmas as a good excuse to guilt her out for an evening, and so we met a week before the holidays as we simply strolled through shops and stores in downtown Toronto. She was looking for presents for all the little boys and girls that her friends had as married couples, and to be honest, it was kind of sweet and adorable of her to do so. She even apologized in a toy store for ignoring me, but I never really felt like that was the case. It was nice of her to feel like she should have talked to me more, but I was actually impressed and happy to see her care about the people in her life so very much, even if it wasn't for myself. I knew she wouldn't give me a present, it was never in her nature to think about me in such a way, even if I had given her one just the month before. But to see her at least put her heart and passion and soul into looking for gifts for all her friends' children and cousins? It made me fall in love with her all over again, to see the potential that she does have to love...

In the end though, everything felt neutral that night, I guess. We talked, she browsed the aisles, and she even had the courtesy to lead me to the food court because she thought I might be hungry or something. It was a sweet evening I guess, and I really did feel like I deeply cared for her like I always do. But her apology from earlier that night echoed with the Christmas bells, she really didn't feel anything for me, now did she? There was a moment between her and I, when we were standing by a chocolate shop or something, and I was complementing her hoodie and scarf that she was wearing. She started talking about foods and the meals she loves to cook but I could see in her eyes, she didn't actually want to discuss any of this with me at all. Maybe she was scared to, maybe she was scarred. She knew that I didn't share the same passions as she does, and even if it doesn't concern me that we're two very different people, I could see it in her eyes that she is still looking for that idealistic someone who loves and believes in everything in life that she does as well. I'd like to dream that simply taking her hand and telling her how I feel could make up for all the mistakes I've made in the past, but this really is a case where she simply has already moved on...

I personally do feel like she and I could be a great couple together. We complement one another in so many ways, but that's simply not what she's looking for in a significant other, and that was exactly what her mother had warned me about all those months ago. I've tried so hard to get through to the woman I care for, but even if she did once have feelings for me, even if we did once share a few moments of passion, she just won't let herself accept me for who I am. I could sense her disappointment that I was simply not the man that she once envisioned I was. And that's when deep down inside, I knew what my heart would not let me realize before, what I was so afraid to goddam accept...

At the end of the night, we exchanged friendly hugs and Christmas cards. I gave her one with a little message from a fortune cookie, reminding her to stay true to her feelings. She gave me a card as well, with a good luck wish when it came to my job search. The thought was there, but what she wrote still felt so impersonal and so disconnected just like her card the year before. And like I feared, she didn't bother to give me a present, even though I had put my heart and soul into hers just one month before. This night together between her and I, I could feel what it was, it was merely a friendly "are you alright?" from her side of things. I had guilted her out for Christmas and she wanted to feel right about herself, that she wasn't ignoring an old friend after what happened to my grandfather and career. Everything she does for me, she does so that she can look herself in a mirror and not feel remorse for going against her principles. While that is somewhat to be admired, I realized that night that it just wasn't enough for me. I love her, I care for her, I do. But when it comes to the end of the day, that simply is not enough...

What I was never willing to accept before, what I always refused to let myself believe, is that she really does know who I am, that she really does understand exactly the kind of man that I will become. I had always hoped that by going out with her, by e-mailing her and calling her up over the phone, that she would eventually see me for the real me, that she would understand my feelings and my being and then finally come to love me for who I really am. What I never wanted to realize before, was that she already knows very well who I am and who I can become, she already understands me more than any other woman that I've ever known before. What I've never been able to come to grips with, what I've never been willing to goddam accept, is that she already knows exactly who I am but she still doesn't want me. She knows exactly what I can bring and what I can provide if we were ever together, and she still doesn't want me. I've always tried to fool myself into believing that she doesn't feel for me simply because she didn't know my real self, but nothing could be farther from the truth. She knows me, I know she does. She knows what I want in life, and that's why she rejects me. She understands me, and I'm not good enough for her. I saw that in her eyes, I'm just not good enough for what she wants. And it hurts, it really does hurts to realize you're not worth it to the one that you care so much for...

In December and January, I kept trying to reach her, I kept e-mailing and phoning her cell, but all I got was voice mail back or a quick response saying she was too busy to talk. I called her for one final chance to hear her voice on Chinese New Year. She answered the phone for the first time in weeks and I was honestly surprised she did, considering she became "too busy" to give me the time of day ever since the very moment we left each other for Christmas. It was a short conversation between the both of us, maybe only six minutes filled with awkward pauses and silences, but at least I got to ask the question that I wanted her to answer. It was simple, I simply wanted to know, "will you call me when you're not so busy; maybe we can meet up?" The delay in her voice felt like a goddam eternity. She just froze there, absolutely speechless and lost in time, not knowing how to think or what to say, just like I've felt with her so many times before in the goddam past. That's when she finally whispered her answer, that's when I could faintly hear in the far reaches of her voice the very words I knew she would lie to me about...

"... okay... I will..."

But she never did. She said she would, but I knew she wouldn't, and she never did. It's been two months since I last called her and I haven't heard a single word. Not through the phone, not through e-mail, not through instant messengers, not through anything. She has completely disappeared, she has completely gone silent, and I know I have to both realize and respect the fact that this is her choice. She went out with me on Christmas to ease her guilt, and now that her conscience is free, she has no reason to deal with me any longer. She knows who I am, she understands what I offer and how I feel about her. She knows me, she even gave me one last chance, but this is her final decision...

She doesn't want me. She doesn't want anything to do with me. She simply wants to move on with her life. I know I may love her, I know I may miss her, I may think about her every damn waking hour of the goddam day, but that simply is not enough. Not for her, not for me, and not for us. My feelings and words are simply not enough. She has made her decision, and she chose to let me go. I need to respect that, I need to accept the truth, and I need to move on. And I will, I promise. I care for her, afterall. This is her choice, and I know it's what she wants...

I know what I want in life. And yes, it's true, I want her. I want us to be together. At the end of every night, I wish that she feels about me the same way that I feel about her. I wish I could call her up at the end of a bad day and just listen to her voice, have her laugh at all my stupid jokes, and share in that nervous excitement whenever I ask her out on a date. I wish I could hold her, I wish I could gently push her hair back beneath her ear, and stare lovingly into her eyes as we share that passion we felt so long ago. I wish I could make her happy, I want to make her smile, and I wish I can be that special someone in her life. I want her to need me, I want us to need each other, I want us to trust in one another as much as we can. I know what I want in life and I want her, I really honestly do. But I know it's just a dream, even my heart knows the truth. I need to realize, what I want in life is not what she wants. She doesn't want to be with me. I want her to be happy. I need to move on...

It doesn't matter what I want anymore. If I can't be with her, if I can't be with the only woman I've ever loved, then I need to find that special someone that I can love, that I can cherish and potentially spend the rest of my life with. I need to find that someone who will care about me the same way that I care about her, who needs me the same way that I truly need her. I need to find that someone who will take care of me when I'm sick, who can't wait to hear from me when she's feeling down and blue. I need to find that someone who will help me become a better person and feel complete, who accepts that I can help them to become a better person as well. I want to find that someone who even after we fight and argue and say things we don't mean, we will feel so damn relieved and so damn happy the very moment we're willing to forgive and forget. More than anything else in my life, I want to find that special someone who can make me feel more for her than I even feel now for the girl I love. It's no longer about what I want, it's about what I need, and what I need right now is to move on with my life. I need to let her go and find the one I'm truly meant to be with together. And honestly, is that really too much to ask? I know what I want in my life, I honestly do...

In a perfect world, in a perfect dream, she would call me up tonight simply because she misses me so much, simply because she thinks of me as often as I think of her. But she made her choice, I know she did, and she decided that I simply am not the one for her...

I want her, I honestly do, more than anything else in the world. But I know I can't have her, I know I can't. I'm not the one she wants...

I need to move on. I have no choice. I will move on. I made a promise to myself, a promise to let her go. I intend to keep it...

It's what I want.

Y2kk Update: The last time I was unemployed, things were a lot simpler. The last time I was jobless, things felt very different than now...

Back then, two years ago, there was no global recession to worry about. And even if there was, I still had the safety net of school at the time. When I got released from the government, I simply went back to my old life of university friends and skipping out on classes. Nothing really changed, and it didn't take long for me to find an entry level job straight out of school. That small little company at the time didn't even care about me, my manager literally told me that he just wanted to fill a seat with an intern. How could I possibly refuse then? I thought it was only a temporary stopgap in my career and that I would quickly move onto bigger and better things. I had hope back then, I had goals and dreams and goddam expectations...

Three months into my intern job, I had a choice back then. I was given two different offers, one as a developer from the small company I was currently at, and one from a law division in the government working as a system administrator and architect. The latter offered more money but unfortunately only on a contract basis, while the small company I was at was offering full time with benefits, and obviously it had the plus that I was just starting to fall for the girl at work that I loved. I chose to stay, simply because I was too scared and lazy to take what I knew would probably be the better job down the road. There was no guarantee that things would work out at the small company trying to make a name and a niche for itself, but I appreciated how they offered me the full time position that I wanted, and I figured that I'd only stay at the office for a year before moving onto bigger and better things. I was learning a lot under my manager's wing at the time and I had hope back then that I could grow and develop a heck of a lot more, so why bother with change? If only I knew back then what I certainly know now...

Things obviously didn't turn out well for me at the company two years down the road. In November, the place was going bankrupt, I experienced the worst embarrassments of my life when it came to the girl I loved, and I couldn't stand pretending to be on good terms with the coworkers I had there any longer. And on the day when everything came to a head, during the meeting where I was directly told I had the choice between staying and being laid off, my hand was fucking forced to resign my position without any goddam severance compensation whatsoever. To add insult to injury, not only did I lose the one friend I had made at the company after he turned his back on me to go drinking with his buddies, but the entire goddam company went completely bankrupt and down under just two months later down the road. If only I had waited on long enough, if only I had swallowed my tongue and pride for forty more days, I could have left the company on good terms with the status of being laid off, with five fucking thousand dollars worth of severance money along with whatever Christmas bonus they did manage to give out the month before. If only I didn't leave, maybe I could have kept my friend at the company and not been the brunt of jokes from the goddam cool kids whenever they went out for a smoke and a laugh...

But enough with memory lane for now. When it comes to my job search, I actually was offered a decent position at a very recognizable name in downtown Toronto. I interviewed with them just two weeks after I was kicked out of my old company, and even though I thought I fucked up when asked questions about inheritance and singletons in Java, they really liked my personality and even called me in to meet the director face to face. I actually did like the office location, although being by the waterfront, I would definitely get my share of flu from the freezing weather in winter. I actually did like the people there, I even helped out the receptionist when it came to finding WWE Raw tickets for her grandfather for Christmas or something. And the people at the company really seemed to like my enthusiasm and personality in the interview, as I personally do believe I make a very good impression when I'm not nervous or bogged down by technical questions that fuck me up. And definitely the name alone of the company was enough to make me want to take the job, as it would have been the first big private corporation to be added to my resume and it could have only helped to further my career with outside opportunities...

But when I received the job offer back in December, unfortunately there were a lot of reasons why I didn't take the position. Absolutely the most important on my list was that the job responsibilities were just not very good. It was an intern position first and foremost, and I realized that I would pretty much just be sitting there maintaining old PHP scripts and interacting with the MySQL database now and again. And of course, because this would have been the third intern position that I had taken out of three jobs in my career, the pay was once again too subpar for my liking. Worst than that, it was a contract for only six months, and six guaranteed months on a contract worth only 45K per year (compared to the 62K + benefits I was making at my old company) was just too little for the point that I'm at in my career. The offer was an insult even during the recession, and the hiring manager there knew it too. There was also the fact that I didn't feel there was much room to move up in this company. Sure, as an intern at the government and the small company I was at before, I eventually fought my way to better titles and better responsibilities, but did I really want to risk that entire process all over again with a company that I knew from the news was getting horribly hit by the recession? What guarantee would I have that I would not be unemployed six months or less down the road again?...

The company name on the resume may definitely help, but the skills and responsibilities of the job itself were just not good enough to really help me grow in my career, not when it's a technical manager instead of a clueless HR person interviewing me. I did like the people I met throughout the interview process and I appreciated that they gave me an offer. But considering I had potential opportunities at the time from two other sources that I thought had better long term prospects, I forced myself to turn this company down. And now, all these months later, I do kind of regret my decision, although it helps to remind myself that thanks to me giving them his contact information and turning their offers down twice, my close friend from university managed to snag this job and pay his bills. But still, I just can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had just taken this role instead. Where would I be right now? Who would I have become?...

I didn't receive any other serious offers from companies until this past weekend. About two weeks ago, I was contacted by a recruiter about this small firm out in Hamilton, where half of my work would be consulting and the other half would be working on actual .NET applications for law firms. The job description sounded great, but of course I was still wary about working for a small company yet again. At least with the first job offer I got back in December, despite downsizing all across their international locations, the corporation name itself on my resume would have done me wonders in my career. Another small company though, especially after what I experienced at the goddam small corporation that I chose over the government two years ago? Of course I was scared, I didn't want a repeat of history to happen. But at least unlike the first job offer I got after being laid off, where I would only get to tinker with PHP and occasionally Perl, this job description actually sounded interesting when it came to getting business requirements from real world clients and working with actual relevant technologies like .NET and C#...

Of course I went for the interview, and that's where both the pros and the cons of this small company instantly became apparent. On the plus side, the people I met were absolutely fantastic and were exceptionally kind and honest with me, they even waived the technical hands-on test they were thinking of forcing me through in the second interview. They were extremely accommodating, absolutely welcoming, and even the second interview at First Canadian Place in Toronto went pretty damn smoothly. They were easy to talk to, they were very learned and intellectual, I knew I could learn a great deal from working under their guidance, and I was sure that these three owners of the company would be just as agreeable to work with as the best managers I've met in my career so far. The job description sounded great, they would give me a ton of responsibility in the company along with for sure some great tips on how to suit up for meetings with the law firms. Everything about this small start-up sounded great on paper, but that's when the inner insecurities that I have decided to goddam flare up...

In my two interviews, the three owners I met at this company were all great and outstanding people. The problem though was that during these two interviews, the three people I met turned out to be the only employees of this entire company. In fact, if I chose this job, I would be only the fourth employee and the first actual dedicated developer that they have. I mean, when I first heard that this was a small company, I imagined something similar to my old office, with fifty workers or so at any given time. But honestly, to be just the fourth person to be hired, and to be the only true employee when the other three were all owners and best friends for years and decades even? I'm sorry, but that scared me, that fucking petrified me to the bone. The responsibilities they offered sounded great, but only if I truly had a peer to work with when things got tough. I would feel so damn intimidated if the only coworkers I could rely on are the actual owners who control my fate. Not only that, but this small company was just starting up, barely with any business, and they wanted me to help start their entire product line. I don't know if I can deal with that kind of responsibility, in all honesty. I don't know if I can deal with that kind of pressure...

Even more than that, even if I gave the job everything I have, who's to say that I won't be unemployed again just a few months down the road? How can they possibly expect to develop a sustainable business in current economic conditions? They were kind and conservative people, and I believe them when they said they're trying to do well. But what are the chances that they will succeed? As much as I actually enjoyed the interview process with them, as friendly as I thought all three of them were, it would absolutely intimidate me to hell if I had to sit down and work alongside my owners five days a week. Who can I confide in at this company, who can I hang around if things go wrong, where can I finally act and feel like myself? At every other office I've worked at, there has always been at least one peer that I've been close to, both in personality and age. But here, where the only other employees are the owners who are twice my age with families of their own, I know I would feel so alone and segregated. And really, knowing me and how anti-social I can be when things get tough, how could I deal with putting on a friendly smile and forcing up some small talk five days a week, if not more than that when the company is on the line?...

It was a risk, I knew it, but I decided to let the interview process play out as naturally as I could. I was just my normal self when it came to every talk I had with the owners, and they really did get the impression that I'd be a good employee, both in the office doing development work and outside the office getting chummy with business managers at law firms. It's nice to be appreciated, and it's nice to receive what I felt was a very generous offer from them. They were willing to give me close to 60K a year, plus extra bonus incentives since my full time status would not include benefits at this time. That's very decent pay, and just like at my old company, the one thing that I truly do enjoy at small little offices is flexibility, both in terms of working hours and dress code. It was a very tempting offer, and it broke my heart in all honesty to let this opportunity go. But just like with the first job sheet from the large company that I got way back in December, I still feel like I have another option on the table that is better suited to my goals in life, to what I actually do want in a career...

I felt horrible for leading on these owners of the company, who probably provided the kindest and easiest interviews I've ever had in my life, and I sincerely hope I did not insult them by rejecting their very generous offer during a recession period such as this. But right now, until I have no other options on the table, I'm just not secure and confident enough in myself to take on this kind of responsibility. I would be their first employee and their only true worker. The weight of their world would rest on my shoulders when I don't even know at this point in my career if that's what I really want. I want to grow, yes, but if I'm going to take on that big of an onus of opportunity, I'd like it to be on my own terms with my own company years down the road. Now of course, my pride and dignity hate the fact that part of the reason I bailed on their package was because of fear and a complete lack of confidence in the skills I have. But at the same time, I realize any incompetencies I may harbour in my heart all stem from the fact I have wasted away my talents for the past two bloody years at a small fucking company. I do not want to risk history repeating itself. The owners themselves mentioned how they used to work in blue chip companies to horde capital and develop their skills, and after suffering through a shit company that fucked me over during a recession, I can't help but want the same for me...

So really, what is this so-called better opportunity that I dropped two decent job offers for? You see, there's this big bank in downtown Toronto and I've been chasing a Java and WebSphere developer job there since goddam November. I was contacted by a recruiter back then, and not only was I absolutely ecstatic about potentially adding this company name to my career resume, but I also really liked what the recruiter said about the job responsibilities and how I'd be groomed as a potential technical manager in the future. And really, during a recession, who wouldn't want to work at a bank, especially the one that global international reports have pegged as perhaps the most stable and prosperous one right now in the entire world? If I got to work there, not only is the location great in downtown Toronto, not only would I be getting very good pay (starting around 60K plus benefits for full time), and not only would I have a very good chance of moving up the ranks if the recruiter is to be believed? I'd also finally be able to feel secure in the fact that I made it to a company that may survive this recession, a company with a name to be proud of, a company I've actually wanted to join for a very long time. I mean, after being at a small corporation that just embarrasses me every time I remember my goddam experiences there, I just want a place where I know I will be as close to secure as bloody possible...

It's not just the job itself that entices me, but it's the fact that I will be in a place where finally I can feel like myself again. When I talked about flexibility with small companies, I do appreciate working from 10 pm to 6 pm, or going home with half days on Friday afternoons. But at the same time, I sadly do want to feel like just a cog in the machine, I really do want my private time alone and lost in the cubicles. When I worked at the government, I actually appreciated the divide I had between meetings with managers and working silently by myself in my little segregated area. Some hate that feeling of being just a random employee number, and interviews at small companies always cite it as a con of the big bad companies. But in all honesty? That's what I want, my own private space where I can be myself when I need to be, to rest up so I can be that social extroverted IvanF when required as soon as I step out of my little protected world. I need that wall, I need that space, and I constantly felt exposed and violated (as sad as that sounds) when it came to the open concept at the small company I was at. I never felt comfortable, I never truly felt safe, not since I left the government that is. I can't guarantee that I will always want to hide myself away in a cubicle, but for now, that is what I want. I want that office space kind of life back, no matter how much it's been goddam ridiculed...

Even more than that, the key is that I will be in a huge office community where I can meet a lot of new people, and maybe meet a group of new friends that lead me to bigger and better things. If I work at a small company, especially one in Hamilton, I may always feel connected to the few people inside the office, but I will feel so separate from the rest of the world, even when I'm out consulting I'm sure. But at a large company, at a huge national bank in the middle of downtown Toronto, I have the chance to meet someone, I have the chance to muster up the courage to finally say hello. It's no sad secret that the only girls that I have been interested in have been the ones I met at work or university, as I really need proximity and time to become familiar and comfortable with a person I know. I wish I had the guts to just walk up to a random woman and ask her out, but that's not who I am and the ones who say yes are not necessarily the girls I want to be with either. Being downtown at the heart of both business and tech companies gives me an opportunity and a long lost hope of perhaps filling that gaping hole in my heart leftover from the girl at work that I loved for so long. I just want a chance to move on with my life the only way I know how to, that's all. I don't feel like I can do that at a small company in the middle of nowhere, but I do feel I have a shot at meeting the right girl and the right group of friends if only I finally could get into the company I've been hoping of for so long...

That's why I couldn't take the offer from the small company, because I just couldn't give up on this opportunity to finally feel like an equal to my university peers, to finally have a chance at the kind of professional and social life that I've always wanted. I know the recruiter would tell me anything to keep me on her potential payroll, but even so, at least according to her, it's down to just me and one other candidate for this role at the big bank that I've sadly been dreaming of joining for the past five years. I still feel horrible about rejecting the offer from the small company that put so much faith in me over the past couple of weeks, and I don't know if I'll ever meet nicer company owners and managers in my lifetime again. But for me, sadly, this big bank in downtown Toronto is the chance of a lifetime, to finally put my career back on the right track that it should've been if I never took the fucking job at my old company in the first place...

Time after time again in the past, I made the quick and safe decision to stay in my comfort zone, I never really had the patience or the courage to get what I truly wanted in life. Last week though, when I got that job offer, I just couldn't make that same mistake again, I just couldn't. I may feel like an unemployed fool if I don't get this position at the big bank, but deep down inside I know that my decision was the right one. Of course I also realize that I had the option of simply taking this job at the small company but still have my second interview with the bank, and then if I received an offer from the latter, quit the small company and never look back. But I'm sorry, I'm just too much of a man who wants to be honest and honourable to ever allow myself to pull a stunt like that. Now yes, I know I tend to exaggerate and lie in the heat of the moment, I know I have so many phony faces that I often put on. But can I ever premeditate a lie, can I ever look a person in the eye and tell them I'm willing to commit to a job that I know I may simply leave two weeks down the road? Not at all, I just can't do it, I just don't have it in me. I may not be a good guy at all times, but a good guy is what I want to be. And I just couldn't do it to this nice Hamilton couple, so I told them the full truth and may have thrown any hopes of being goddam employed out of the window yet again. In some ways, I'm sorry that I did, but like I said, I just can't give up on what I truly want. And yes, it's true, I actually do know what I want...

I know what I want in life. I know what I need to feel right about myself again. I want a job that sadly yes, makes me feel on equal footing to my peers from university, who all got great opportunities at big companies straight out of school and are now moving onto having families or getting managerial positions or whatever sort of crap. I want a career where I can look myself in the eye and be confident that I can honestly achieve anything I put my mind to, that I can jump to another company or fight for a promotion simply because I want it. I want an office where the days that I'm feeling like myself, I can exert my personality and hang out with coworkers who have similar values and interests as I do. And for the days when I feel horrible and secluded, I want my own personal space where I can stay hidden, where I can recover and grow at my own pace and not be judged by the harsh world outside. I want a fucking office where for once I feel safe, where I have confidence in both myself and the company that I goddam work for. I want to learn and grow and develop a career that I'm not ashamed to mention to a friend or a recruiter, and I want the chance to finally prove to myself that not only can I earn that technical manager spot that I've always dreamed of, but also prove that I can move on from the mistakes of my past for once in my goddam life. I want to feel the same damn self-respect and bloody hell hope that I did all those years ago. And honestly, is that really too much to ask? I know what I want in life, I honestly do...

Yes, I know, a job can't guarantee all that. Money and a career cannot guarantee happiness, I know that all too well. But after two fucking years of feeling so damn lost and adrift, simply because I was too damn lazy to leave a bad job that was paying me all too well? God, I'm so sick of settling, so tired of giving up on what I actually do want. Dumb decision or not, I needed to take a chance at the opportunity I desire, at the career that I dream of, and at the goddam life that I thought I would have by now. This opportunity is exactly what I wanted five years ago, and this is exactly what I want right now. What I want is to finally prove to myself that I can be whoever I actually want to be. Now of course, I don't know if I can get this position for certain, nothing is absolute, and I'm sure I'll feel like a complete goddam dunce if I don't. But I just couldn't give up while I still have a chance, you know? I just couldn't look myself in the goddam mirror if I did...

And in that sense at least? I may have regrets, but at least now I have some semblance of self-respect that I made the hard but right choice...

The last time I was unemployed, things were a lot simpler. The last time I was jobless, I certainly felt a whole lot different...

This is my chance to correct the course of my history. This is my chance to prove who I am and who I want to be...

... wish me luck...

Y2kk Update: It's been a long time since I last updated this website of mine. Really, I've been through long spiels of simply having no will to write over the past year or so, but never have I gone through a goddam drought like this. Why is that?...

Is it a complete lack of confidence and motivation? I lost my job last year under horrible circumstances. It was my fault that I didn't try to leave my company earlier, even though I was miserable there and I knew it was a sinking ship. I wasn't learning any new skills, I wasn't helping out my resume, and I hated my coworkers there, I really honestly did. Why did I stay, simply from the money? And then when the time came and I finally had the chance to leave the company, I took it and went out looking like a total fool in the end. Now sure, I'm proud that I got to say right to my boss' face that I rejected his offer to stay under his wing. What I'm not proud of, is the fact that my company went bankrupt just two months later back in January. If only I had waited that long, not only would I have been properly laid off instead of being forced to quit, but I would've gotten almost five grand in compensation money instead of the fucking grand total of zero that I left with. My only consolation? At least by quitting and essentially spitting in the company owner's face, I have a decent story to tell sometime down the road...

Besides the loss of money and the feeling of helplessness after becoming unemployed, I guess I just feel miserable and terrible still because it almost feels like I've lost all my friends in this world. I'm the kind of guy who values loyalty and dedication far much more than he should, probably to a goddam fault. When it comes to others, if they show proper appreciation of me, I will reciprocate ten-fold since I've always been the naive child who is far too eager to trust. This coworker of mine back at my old company, the partner who I worked side by side with for two whole years, I was really hoping that he would be the first colleague of mine to truly become a friend after I leave the workplace. We didn't just work together, we actually went out to lunch and talked about life every single day. For his wedding, which I was always interested in and was always trying to lend a helping hand towards, I gave him and his wife two hundred bucks out of my own wallet, and that was during the period when I knew the company was folding and I had made my decision to depart. He thanked me for the generous donation, sure, but it came under bad circumstances where he never quite forgave me for taking my ball home and leaving him alone in the company. I had actually told him to his face that I was planning to leave if given the option, it's just that he never believed me. And how could he really, considering I'm always the kind of guy to tell half truths as a joke? I always speak my mind, it just doesn't sound like the truth when it comes out of my mouth, that's all...

A couple weeks after I left the company, I was back in town interviewing for a large corporation in the area. Even though he and I had barely spoken for those last two weeks, half because things were awkward thanks to my decision to quit, and half because I felt he had already become distant thanks to stress surrounding his wedding, I still invited him out for lunch because he had been my colleague and friend for two years and I didn't want to lose that relationship. The problem is, he surely must have realized that one of the reasons why I left the company was because I couldn't stand any of my other coworkers, right? I realize that at times I'm anti-social to a fault, but why the hell would I want to hang out with the bunch of assholes who ignored me and laughed at my awkwardness for the past two years? When I arrived to meet up with my friend from work, I didn't care to see anyone else. Yet for some fucking goddam reason, it turns out that he had secretly invited everyone else at the company out to lunch with us behind my back, without even fucking asking if it was alright to do so. Shouldn't he know me better than that, shouldn't he at least have asked me for my permission before giving the fucking assholes at work the goddam green light? WTF?...

I understand that even two months after this goddam lunch, I'm taking this stuff too seriously and personally. So what if I went out to lunch with eight or so guys that I could hardly stand even when I was getting paid a lot of money to do so? It was just one lunch, and the reason my friend from work had asked them out was because he had gotten much closer to them over the past month or so, especially after I left. He was part of their "cool kids club" now, where they would go out drinking all night and complain about their girlfriends and spouses, shit that I really couldn't relate to (which is why my friend was starting to feel distant towards me for the past month or so, because he could suddenly relate to them much more than I). I realize that maybe I shouldn't have made such a big deal about the whole ordeal, it was just one lunch and even though they were assholes for two years, the other guys just wanted to say goodbye...

What I did not appreciate however, was the fact that when I was honest and brought this up with my friend, instead of being understanding with me like I thought he would have just a couple months ago, he got fucking angry and annoyed at me instead. He blew up in my face, saying that I'm far too over-sensitive and anti-social and that I've got to learn to just lay back. Now granted, I can't really argue with his sentiments, but he chose to get pissed off and tell me all this on a day when he invited his beer drinking buddies out behind my back to a lunch that I had privately scheduled with him alone for a goddam reason? Really, after trying to leave my job and being forced to quit without severance in the process, my friend was the one who had the right to talk down to me as if I was some goddam moron? WTF?...

And even though I've barely talked to him since the lunch incident, not from a lack of trying might I add, the few remarks he has sent my way back have been insulting and disrespectful and not in the way he used to joke with me for two fucking years. He has complained how dumb I was for quitting the company when it was going to collapse just two months later, he tells me how great it is to go drinking outside with the coworkers all the time and how I should have given them a better chance, and whenever I have tried to contact him to salvage our friendship, he never responds back until he needs something, like if he has a job interview and requires my reference...

Really, this is the friend that I trusted for two whole years, a guy who not only completely did not respect or understand that I wanted a private lunch between him and me, but a guy who gets angry at me for calling him out on going behind my back? I know I'm overreacting, but even all these months later down the road, I still shake my head at how naive and completely foolish I must have been to trust him like I did. He turned on me and joined the beer drinking club in just two weeks time, that's all it took for our friendship to become null and void to him. He may have felt like I betrayed him by leaving the company, but it wasn't my problem he didn't believe in the words I said. Maybe he was naive too, I don't know. I just know that now he's no better than any other coworker I've left in the past and never contacted again until I needed them. This isn't what I wanted, but it's just the way things are, I guess...

It's not just my coworker of a friend who's been bothering me all these months. There are a couple of friends from university that I trusted quite a lot in the past, and arguably I still do to this day. That's not to say I don't have my gripes and my grudges, however. I mean, I know it's petty of me to hold this against him, I should just let bygones be bygones in the past. But when my grandfather died, one of my close friends remaining from university almost completely ignored the fact that I was in pain. At the time, he was ranting on and on about the troubles with his girlfriend, and after listening to him for half an hour or so, I finally cut into a moment of silence and told him that my grandfather had just passed away. His response? "I'm sorry to hear that." Okay, that's fine, that's a start. I was ready for him to ask me how I was feeling, I was expecting him to get me to open up about the memories I have about my grandpa, but none of that happened. Instead, he simply started ranting about his girlfriend again, about meaningless and trivial things like what they bickered about the night before over the phone...

Really, this is the guy that I was trusting all my secrets to for the past five or so years or whatnot? I know I shouldn't be harbouring ill feelings towards a guy who simply is not sensitive or political enough to know when to shut up, and it was mostly an isolated incident afterall. But he never actually asked me about my grandfather afterwards, since probably he's of the misguided approach that you shouldn't bring up bad memories unless the other person first asks. I guess I can respect that, but it certainly brings into question whether I can rely on him or not. He never apologized, he probably doesn't even remember what happened. I still talk to him, but do I trust him? I pretty much listen. That's all I am there for him, I suppose. I'm there if he needs me, but I don't need him. I guess, that's what old friends are for...

There's another university friend of mine, a close one that I used to always go to lunch with, both before and after I got him a job at the company I used to work for. To be honest, it was bugging me how silent he's been towards me for the past few months, he's practically ignored my messages every time I try to contact him again. But I understand that part of that is due to a complete lack of confidence after losing his job. To be perfectly honest, part of the reason why I did quit was because I couldn't stand what the company was doing, laying off employees while keeping others on the payroll behind everyone else's back. My university friend, he was one of the first casualties, and of course I was upset. Semper Fi, motherfucker, and it's not like I wanted to continue being in that office anyways, sitting on my ass doing nothing everyday. But ever since that moment of solidarity between friends, he's been cold and quiet towards me, as if he doesn't appreciate all that I've tried to help him out with over the past fucking years. I can't say I blame him, he has no motivation to talk to anyone at all I'm sure, just like I had no motivation to write. He's always been a truthworthy and loyal guy towards me in the past, it's just hard to see him that way anymore, that's all...

The day that I went to lunch with my former coworker of a friend, when the lunch incident happened and I got torn a new one about my anti-social sensitivity? The large company that I was interviewing for that day, I was eventually given a job offer from them. I turned them down because I thought I had better options in my midst, and the salary they had presented was simply not enough compared to what I was making before. But it was definitely more than what my university friend at my old company had been making before being laid off, and he needed the money far more than I did in the first place. So yeah, part of the reason why I chose to turn down that offer (not once but twice, since they liked me so much) was because I gave them my friend's contact information and was hoping that they would hire him...

Well, this month it finally happened, they hired my friend and now he's starting work at the company that I goddam vouched for him towards. It may not be the greatest pay, but the office is close to his home and it's absolutely a great and recognizable name to put on the resume if things don't work out. And I guess what's bugging me now is that even though my friend knows that I put in a good word for him (they even mentioned me during his interview), he never once bothered to contact me that he got the job. Eventually, I had to take initiative, and even though technically this is now the second fucking job I've helped him earn, he still didn't thank me. He still fucking ignored me as if I had nothing to do with the whole thing at all. I realize that it was his skills that got him past the interview process, I realize that it was his knowledge that earned him the job, but he knew damn well that I was the one who not only turned down the position partially for him but also gave them his fucking contact information in the first place. And he doesn't even give me a goddam thank you? He doesn't even tell me the good news that he got the job? I thought this was the guy I've trusted for five fucking years or more. I know he's been feeling down on himself for a while, but doesn't he now have a reason to actually goddam talk to me for the first time in months? I've been trying to get through to him, and yet even when I help him to get what he wants, he still gives me the cold shoulder? WTF?...

And yet none of the losses I've mentioned above in my life even begins to compare to the fact that one of my longest standing friends, one of my best friends in my entire life, has just chosen to turn his back on me as well. This friend of mine from all the way back in elementary school, he's always had a habit of choosing to ignore me when something better comes his way. He's always come crawling back to me in the past though and he always apologizes, so I still have hope that maybe someday he will. At the same time however, this is the third fucking period in my life where he has abandoned me, this is the third fucking time he's ditched me for something better or worse. I've trusted him in the past, but how the fuck can I trust him again? Time after time, he betrays me. What the fuck happened this time around? WTF is wrong with him?...

He knows that I lost my job, and I'm afraid that his parents told him not to associate with a loser such as me or some crap like that. His parents have never liked me, no matter how hard I try to show respect towards them, even going so far as to helping them out with groceries for two fucking hours on a Friday night. They've always felt that I was holding their son back somehow, that if I (the uneducated computer engineer with only a bachelor's degree) was somehow out of his life, then he would be more like his sister, getting his PhD while dating some rich significant other making six digits at the very least. Hell, the only thing that they like about me is the fact that I dragged my friend into the sport of golf, which they believe will help him find friends and girls with MBAs and doctorate degrees once I'm out of the picture. I still don't know if that was the reason why my long standing friend chose to abandon me again, just weeks after I fucking lost my goddam job, but something had to pull the trigger. I just don't know what and he won't tell me, let alone talk to me, that's all...

As soon as the Christmas season began? I kept trying to contact my friend, I kept trying to phone him or e-mail him, as he used to respond every fucking day, but I never heard anything back. For days and days, then weeks after weeks, I tried to get in touch with him, writing him multiple times a week, calling him every weekend in hope that he picks up, and yet nothing, I heard absolutely nothing back on his end of things. Without warning, without reason, he was simply gone. By the time Chinese New Year came along, it was almost two fucking months after he completely started ignoring me, for reasons I didn't even know. He and I had bought Toronto Raptors tickets together, lower bowl seats that cost us $100 each, except that I had been the one to purchase them on my credit card and I was the one who offered to let him keep his cash until the day of the game. The day of the game had almost arrived, and I still was unemployed and a hundred dollars short thanks to the friend who I fucking hadn't heard from in two fucking months. I called him for Chinese New Year and once again, he told me he was too fucking busy to talk to me, even for two fucking minutes. That's when I brought up the goddam Raptors tickets, reminding him that he had promised to buy a seat and go to the game with me. Wow, he suddenly had two minutes to talk to me, as he made it abundantly clear to me that he was too "stressed" from work to go to the game, and he made it goddam clear that he wasn't going to fucking pay either...

What the fuck is his problem? He promised long ago to pay for the ticket, he knows I'm fucking unemployed, and then he doesn't even offer to pay his fucking share of the goddam game? Hell, just the offer of wanting to pay me back would have been enough, as I probably would have grown a soft spine yet again and said it wasn't a big deal. I would have been happy to realize that he still wanted to be my friend, even after two months of ignoring my daily e-mails and weekly phone calls, simply because he had the courtesy and the loyalty to pay out of his pocket for a ticket he wasn't even going to use. But instead of any of what I had hoped would happen, he first tells me a lie saying that he's too busy to even speak with me for a minute on a goddam weekend for Chinese fucking New Year. And then when I remind him of the tickets he conveniently had forgotten all about, he stays on the phone to fucking lecture me how busy and stressed out he is from working and that I don't know the kind of pressure he's under because I'm fucking goddam unemployed? Really, that's all he has to say to me after two whole fucking months of ignoring me like I haven't been his friend since Grade fucking 2? What the fuck is wrong with him? Where the fuck was my apology, where the fuck was my loyalty, where the fuck was my friend? This is really the guy that I've trusted all my secrets and feelings to for the past twenty or so years of my life? This is the guy who was my friend? WTF?...

I don't know why it's taken me three months to finally write about all this shit, but now you two remaining readers out there know exactly what has been going on with my life. Everyone that I knew and trusted has abandoned me, I feel. Everyone that I thought was my friend wasn't there in my times of need, whether it was after I was forced to quit my goddam job, or whether it was my university friend ignoring the death of my grandfather as if it was just another day in the office. I know I've over-reacting in a lot of situations, I know I'm being oversensitive about so much, just like my former coworker of a friend lectured me about the day of the lunch. But I'm sorry, I base everything that I am on loyalty, dedication and honesty. And I'm just sorry that it seems that every quality that I hope that I have, just isn't true in any of the friends that I've known for so long. And it certainly doesn't help that my brother moved out of the house and my cousin left for medical school. It seems to be only family that I can trust these days, but simply because life moves on, even they are never really around. I just feel alone, that's all...

My coworker left me for his drinking buddies the moment I left out the door. My university friends abandoned me the moment they had to listen to my problems, even though I've spent years listening and counseling them on their own. One my best friends in my entire life, my goddam friend for twenty damn years, suddenly starts ignoring me the moment that I need him and never fucking gives me an apology or an explanation as to why. Because of him, I had no choice but to treat my father to the Toronto Raptors game that night, which turned out to be a good thing except for the hundred dollar hole in my unemployed pocket from my goddam friend. Really, I know I may be oversensitive, I know I'm far too naive and easy to hurt, but can I really be blamed for feeling miserable and betrayed? You two readers out there know how wounded I was with the girl that I love. Do I really need more of the same from my goddam friends?...

I know what I want in life. I know what I want to make myself feel right about who I am. I want my coworker of a friend to finally contact me back, just to make sure I'm alright, just to invite me out to a private lunch to make up for the insensitive debacle that was. I want my university friends to contact me again, not because they want me to listen to them whine, but because they want to hear my complaints and my problems for once in their goddam lives. I want my university friend to make up for the grandfather callousness that was, by simply asking me how I am every day, if I'm alright and if I feel like my life is moving forward. I want my other friend to finally just thank me for getting him his new job, maybe invite me out to lunch to show his appreciation, or even just ask if I want to hang out. And my close friend from elementary school, the one that I once considered to be the best friend I had in life? Why can't he just apologize, why can't he just phone me up and realize that he's been hurting me for the past three months? I just want him to contact me, sincerely say he's sorry for abandoning me again like he did all those years ago, and offer to make it up to me after all he's said and done. That's all I really want at this point, I just want my friends to be friends. I just want them to trust me as much as I once trusted them. Is that really too much to ask? I know what I want in life, I really honestly do...

It's been a long time since I last updated this website of mine. Can you really blame me though? Until I find meaning back in life, until I find real love or a real friend I can trust, what goddam reason do I have to write?...

I write because I care... which is why I haven't...