Y2kk Update: Well, it's over... not that it ever existed in the first place...

For each and every girl that I thought I loved, there's always been an ending... not a fairy tale ending, but an ending nonetheless... a moment when I knew, I just knew, that nothing that I had dreamt of was ever real in the first place... For my first ever crush, I still remember just walking with her from the pharmacy, and me just realizing that as beautiful and athletic as she was, I really felt no connection with her whatsoever... and I never fell for her again...

For the ILuvYou girl... it's hard to place a definitive ending to our little soiree of siredom, but I normally choose to pick the moment that I went over to her house just to make some amends, and ended up listening to a earshot of her online cum shots, of talking to her new boyfriend in San Jose or some crap like that... I had gone to her house, simply so I could ask if there was ever anything between us, or if there ever would be anything more. What I got instead, was the realization that even without words, I knew that it was over. I knew that things were finished and done. And I chickened out of saying anything to her... I chickened out, because I knew that her heart had moved on. And it was over. Because she had gotten over me a long time ago...

And as for Sleepless in Seattle, the beautifully minded girl?... I never really had any formal ending with her or anything, except perhaps at the graduation formal. When we danced, it was a magical moment... but when the music finally ceased and subsided and I realized that I had only stepped on her feet once?... well, I then realized, that I didn't really care much about her that night. I cared for someone else. For just one dance, just one damn dance - the damn courage to just take the humble hand of my obsession... But although I knew from that point on that I was no longer longing for the beautifully minded girl, our relationship in a sense did live on, through e-mail... which was when the real ties and lies and goodbyes between us were finally severed. I mean, every time I e-mailed her some questions on how she was doing, or simply asked how was her day, she would never bother to respond... The only times she ever did respond, were when I would write a whole damn long essay about how she never bothers to respond to me. And hell, in my second last e-mail to her, I wrote to her how this would be my final e-mail, simply because I could so damn easily tell that she didn't care enough about to even write back... and, well... It didn't take long until she actually did write back, scoffing that I was being such a petty pessimist. So thinking that perhaps she was right and that my original theory was wrong, I wrote her back just once more, this time without whining how she never writes back... and the moment that I knew it was all over, was the moment that I clicked "send" in my e-mail account... because I knew, I just knew, then and there, that I would never ever hear from her again... and you know what? I was right... sometimes, I hate it when I'm right...

And that's the thing... The girl I always talk about, or at least the girl I used to always talk about, hasn't been responding to my e-mails ever since summer pretty much started. So in one last ditch attempt to get some sort of rise out of her, I wrote her a little e-mail... an e-mail about the Sleepless in Seattle girl, how she never bothered to respond to my e-mails unless I made her feel guilty about it... The thing was, about half a month after I finally pressed send, the girl I always talked about finally did the half expected thing and wrote to me back... not exactly in English, mind you, but she did write back nevertheless... And the thing was, she showed more honesty in her few, blunt words in this e-mail, than she probably showed to me all year long... I mean, all she did was confirm what I already feared, as if she knew what I had been afraid of all my damn life, and decided to play me for a fool... She said she didn't feel like "our friendship was growing", or going anywhere, or some crap like that... meaning what? Meaning, either my hunches at lunches were right, and she wanted more from us... or she knows that I like her, and simply doesn't feel anything for me back... polar opposites - the best of both worlds, I see... And she also told me, that she can't trust me, as I've always feared. She claims that she can't stand that I analyze her all the time, just like I'm doing now on this website... But what she doesn't realize, or chooses not to realize, is that I took quickly to her, because I always admired that she was one of the few girls who was willing to analyze me in front of my own face... I guess she's forgotten the fact that every time she damn talked negatively of her friends, or of her ex-boyfriend, or even of herself, that she was analyzing... because all she ever does is analyze, as she was analyziing me in her e-mail... I think I even told her once, that it's simply human and natural to judge... but she tends to block most things that I've said out of memory, since she doesn't like how I don't go all oh-la-la-la to everything that goes on in life.... And now she's chosen to go back to her little girl roots, where she thinks she's suddenly different than anyone else... she's gone back to enjoying life I guess, by thinking that she's become better than everyone else...

And that's when I knew. From this e-mail... well... I just knew... that as much as I wish she were my friend still, I just knew... that she doesn't want anything to do with me or my beliefs anymore... I mean sure, I knew all that months ago. I just never fully accepted it until now... So mark August 6th on everyone's favourite, Jenny calendars. Because that's the day that my latest, greatest crush finally died in my arms, like the cradle of life of the horrible Tomb Raider movie that she is... I can't say I'm surprised though, considering I've known she's been distant with me for the past damn six months. And it's not like she completely wants to avoid me, as the girl I fell in love with at first sight seemed to want to do... but I can't help but feel ashamed. Ashamed that my damn desire to simply open up to someone, left that person cold in her tracks... and now I have to find a new goddess to bloody hell scary movie off for the next year, which will sure as hell be troublesome, considering there's literally no women in the damn engineering complex that I school in...

Out of all my crushes, out of all of my dreams, there has only been one damn girl that I have yet to find closure with... my obsession... The last times I saw her, all I wanted was to take her by the arms and show her the world. And I never had a moment - not one - where I finally realized that she didn't give a damn about my world... of course, time passes by, and you eventually forget the crush you've once had and yet never Midas touched... but still... just to let the records show and the people to know... I never truly did get over her. She's always there, at the back of my mind... as stalkerish at that sounds, it's just that... the first thing that I thought of when I finally realized that the girl I always talk to, won't be talking to me anymore... well, all I thought was, simply that...

My only real wish, was that I could still see my obsession every single damn morning of the year... just to see her yawn... just to see her fawn... but alas, it won't be long until that dream is also crushed beneath the heels of my crush, I'm sure... because as I always say, even the hourgless is forced to follow the laws of men, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

Y2kk Update: You know, I can still feel how I felt that day long ago, when I was simply walking in the Spring sunshine with the girl I fell in love with at first sight... and it starting hailing... it started healing... like a halo of goodwill... with the sun glistening and glittering through the ice as if they were falling gems, I simply walked across the Elysian fields with this goddess of a women, and simply sighed a silent smile to myself... as we were catching the diamonds, cold as ice and supple as joy, in the palms of our hands, gazing like eager plums of parents as our children grew older and wiser into water... that this was possibly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life... and sigh... God...

Of course, flash forward just one year later, and already I'm rolling my eyes at just how damn ridiculous that whole movement of a moment was. I won't deny that the thought of ice pellets pelting my eyes for no apparent reason whatsoever, in the middle of broad daylight like the sharpest of broad swords, is still vaguely amusing... And I also won't deny that things with the girl I fell in love with at first sight didn't exactly go the way I planned either... But all because that girl turned out to be a biatch who wanted nothing to do with me, doesn't ruin the fact that I still count the hell of hail I saw, fluttering to the ground amongst her fluttering eyebrows, to be one of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced in my whole life... and considering I'd like to keep that track record up, I was so Snoopy hoping for some sort of similar, fleeting moment with the girl I always talked about this year, only to find that... well... she was never really beautiful. And unfortunately, although I at least have another year to cherish with her, I so far don't have a single moment with her that I would even remotely consider beautiful, sorry as I am to say (and even sorrier I'll be if she ever reads this, but hopefully that'll forever be besides the point)...

This was going to be a Tweakui update long ago... my most-beautiful-things-I've-seen-all-year tribute... But alas, I got too lazy to write about any of this crap during the school year, but after going on my Vancouver trip? And after noticing just how dead this MSN site of mine really is?... well... I decided to pick up an old habit, and simply write about the sights that actually goddam moved me throughout the past year... and the first of the top three was actually one of the most simple things I have ever seen. I mean, we forgot to open the windows that day, and after painting a massive townhouse for seven long hours straight, I'm sure I wasn't exactly feeling like myself at the time... But nevertheless, the prospect still stands. That when night fell, the combination of shadows from the dying trees outside and the blade marks on the rusted windows below, all created a bouquet of a banquet of a silhouette on the sparkling walls that we had just endowed with gloss and emboss... Maybe it was just me at the time or something, considering I was drunk without ever drinking a damn shot. But still, the way the ambient light from the pale moonlight struck the simple, stucco grooves we had painted over, lighting them up like Christmas tree stars, side-by-side with shadows casted like constellations, somehow just moved me enough to take the time to just sit there, gazing at the wall... and yes, it's kind of sad actually. I enjoyed watching paint dry... But there's no denying, that somehow the wailing wall I was watching reminded me of my childhood, of shadow puppets and the simple innocence of knowing when to shine. And there's also no denying, that if I wasn't near the point of unconsciousness, I would've just scoffed at the wall and got on with my goddam job... but I guess, that's a story for another day, considering I can't remember what the hell happened after that...

Watching paint dry is always fun, but somehow, as much as I love a good shadow puppet show, there's just something about the morning Sun that always gets to me... Before we set off on our Vancouver vacation, we had to get up real damn early in the morning just to make the goddam air flight. And when I saw the Sun rising in the sky? I didn't care much for the orange and purple borealis high above the clouds or any crap like that, considering I've seen it all in screensavers of people who were e-high... But I did notice one damn thing: I could see the Sun... I could watch the Sun. I could stare at the Sun, as if it were real. It's such a simple thing - the ability to see the Sun instead of just knowing that it's there... and yet, I had never appreciated such a feat before, to look upon the Sun without turning a blind eye, probably because all I ever do now is sleep in and get goddam woken up by the Sun at noon... but still... there's no denying the fact, that I was simply moved when I could just stare at the closest star to the third rock from the Sun, and not have to glare away in blinding pain... because I had forgotten that in the morning, the Sun still shines no more brightly than the furthest stars in the sky... and of course, it also helped that I was too damn tired in the morning to do anything but dream of sugar plums and fire chariots racing across the stratosphere, stratusfaction guaranteed, but I guess that's also besides the point...

But just watching the Sun - just gazing at the Sun, and realizing that it was allowing me to gaze - has never been enough for me in the end... I've always considered technology to be the most beautiful thing on the face of the planet, which pretty much explains why I love downtown Toronto far more than any of those damn trees in Vancouver... and there was one really special sight I saw in Toronto one crispy, Canadian winter morning. On any normal given day, considering my parents are too damn cheap to order the newspaper, I stroll over the central fields to a place known as University College in the University of Toronto. And every single morning, I steal a newspaper from the poor saps there, and kind of read in it class... if I'm not sleeping, at least... But this one time, just this one time, as I was walking out of the college and back onto the fields, I noticed something... the Sun was shining, but I saw no Sun... instead, I noticed something else... the CN Tower in the background, which can be found directly in front of the college (not literally, but visually at least...)... the CN Tower was glowing. Like an angel, or the apocalypse, it was glowing, hot as fire and red as the flames of the dawn of time... The Sun was either directly behind or underneath the CN Tower, but astrology and physics be damned - all I cared about, was that there was a damn, shimmering pillar of fire right before me, at the most perfect of angles... and I willingly chose to be late for classes (well... I skipped them actually... quite a personal sacrifice...), simply because I just wanted to stand there, and simply hold onto - to grasp - that perfect vision until it would finally fade away... and unfortunately for me, I have yet to see such a perfect moment ever again, even though I steal a newspaper from that University College almost every single damn morning. I have yet to reproduce the vibrance of that magical moment even once more, as the Sun now seems to circle the CN Tower, and not become one with it... and alas, I guess even the hourglass is forced to follow the laws of men... not like it matters whether I ever see this sight again, considering I'd never bother to write about it a second time, mind you... as all good things do come to an end, even when it comes to memory...

And finally, my Vancouver trip... it was simply scenery here and more scenery there, so it was only a matter of time until I finally caught a glimpse of something that would glint my eyes with a masterful glow... and the thing was, the first day of our Canadian Rockies tour, we stayed at a four star hotel in a place called Salmon's Creek or some crap like that, near Vernon BC. And it was absolutely the most beautiful hotel I've ever been in, and the fact that they offered about 60 free channels on their cable television network sort of helped out in the end... But before I wasted the rest of my night watching CNN and CBC crap news, my brother and I went out to the pier just outside the hotel, and just stayed there as the Sun slowly settled into the backdrop of faraway mountains. And although most scenery fanatics may consider the sight of an orange tint, just emanating like an angel in the outfields, from seemingly the burrows of the grandest of mountains, to be one of the greatest sights ever told, I personally didn't think much of it... But I did think much of one thing... the water... yes, the damn water... I've already made several claims on my websites alone just how damn majestic the actually blue water was in British Columbia. But I have yet to mention even once, just how perfectly calm it all was on the most golden of nights... I mean, as I was sitting on that pier, I looked down, locked eyes, and noticed something... the water was still. It was so damn still, except for the occasional burble or ripple or two, that looking down, it was almost like looking into a perfect mirror... it was like looking into perfectly shimmering glass... And when I looked up? I saw two Suns. One in the sky, hovering over the mountains, and one in the sea, just staring right back... and yes, that was beautiful. To see a reflection so damn calm and so damn serene, that it looked more real than the real thing. And to see such water, so glorificus in its magnificence, that it looked like something straight out of a computer simulation or some crap like that... I mean, it didn't look real. It didn't look like water. It was too damn pure to be water. Instead, I felt like I had been surrounded by aether, as if the water were made of the gusts of God's wind... and it's truly impossible for me to even begin to describe how beautiful of a sight it simply was, to see the Sun set as if it belonged in the oceans below... to imagine the fire in the sky becoming once more with the reflections down below... and of course, after the Sun went down, my brother and I scrambled into Defecon 3 mode to avoid all the damn mosquitoes that were sewing our damn necks off, but still... the sight in the backdrop was still just so damn still, that it was almost like gazing at a painting that somehow stares back. A painting that I cannot simply paint a picture for in words.

And yes, I know just how damn cheesy and sappy I'm being, and it's not just because damn Vancouver got me used to the damn sap of trees. The fact is, I'm a sentimental guy... as my crying for no apparent reason whatsoever every damn year seems to announce in full glory... And truth be told, I'm not a nature guy. On any given day, I'd take the worst of the worst video games over the most fetching of fishing trips. But still, I have my moments... I have my three or four moments that truly stand out against the test of time. And now they're immortal - written on this website for me to gaze back upon whenever I deem fit, no matter the sands of time... but alas, even the hourglass is forced to follow the laws of men, as all goods things must come to an end... not like it matters though... My website has now made my memories immortal. But these memories were of the immortal in the first place, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... Long after I'm gone, and long after these websites of mine are gone, these images will continue to excite and fry the fish of minds of would-be poets for centuries. So as far as I'm concerned, all I've really left... is a footprint... an echo... a grain of sand, and a goddam naturalist's bookmark...

And now my writing is really starting to wane and goddam even make me roll my eyes... I've been at this sired poet crap for too damn long... God, I really do need to get out more, now don't I?...

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