Y2kk Update: Fuck.

This was supposed to be my fucking swan song from work...

Fuck.

Because guess what?...

... the fucking unexpected and fucking impossible happened...

I mean seriously, what are the fucking odds? What are the fuck chances?

WTF?...

Fuck.

...

It was about a week ago, last Thursday actually, that the head supervisor for my business planning unit at the government, called me into her little cubicle for something... I thought at the time that she just wanted to discuss some things about my project before she left for her two week vacation... And perhaps, she would finally tell me whether I was going to get a goddam going away party, like the other favoured students around the branch were receiving as they oh so dearly departed... not that I was ever invited to any of them, mind you...

... but the meeting wasn't for either of those things...

... I mean... WTF?...

She extended my contract?

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?...

I mean fuck-goddam-nabbit, what the fuck is going on here?

I know that the head honchos at my branch tell every student that there isn't a budget to keep them around, but I was actually believing it this year, considering they weren't extending any other students that I knew of... and I still don't know of any others to this day...

Now, I have to admit, I was kinda feeling light-headed and fucking schizophrenic when I was given the so-called good news...

On the one hand, I was beaming. I had achieved what I didn't think I'd ever achieve - to actually be important enough at fucking work, to fucking be given a fresh new contract... It was nice to be appreciated, you know? And it felt good, knowing that my parents won't beat me over the fucking head with an ugly stick, for fucking not getting extended at work or some shit like that...

But goddammit, I may have been beaming outside, but I was fucking screaming for dear life on the fucking inside...

I wanted out, goddammit!

I was so looking forward to sleeping in come the next Thursday, and fucking doing what I fucking do best...

... just sitting on my ass, and fucking doing nothing all fucking day long...

... I miss those glory days, you know?...

... sniff sniff...

I've been sick and tired of fucking work for so fucking long now... I know I've only been working full time for two damn months so far. But that's two damn months with absolutely no vacation time, and no sick time taken off, even though I was feeling morbidly ill for over a fucking week or so...

I just want to sleep in and fucking get some rest, fucking goddammit... Is that really too much to ask?...

... but really... how the fuck could I ever turn down this new contract, that I was handed on a fucking titty platter?...

Granted, it was a short extension. It only added another three weeks to my existing tenure, so it's not like I sold my soul to this office place for the rest of my fucking unnatural life...

... I may get no benefits still... but if everything goes to plan? They just might offer me a full time position by the end of my three weeks or so... And getting some fucking paid vacation time, would really help ease the fucking pain of fucking waking at 6:50 am every single fucking morning...

And really... how the fuck could I ever possibly turn down such a huge fucking pay raise?...

I mean hell, I've been paid fucking minimum wage for the past two fucking months, for the same kind of C# .NET programming job that should demand at least $15 an hour at a bare minimum...

... and, well?...

... I suppose the $19.70 they're now offering me is a start...

Because hell, I'll literally make more fucking money in the next three weeks, than my previous two fucking months here combined...

Average it all together, and it turns out that I'm still only earning about $11 or $12 an hour in total...

But that sure as fuck beats the hell out of $7.45...

... and I like money...

... money, money, money...

... if there's any fucking point to work in the world, it's the fucking love of money...

...

I bought a Nintendo DS the Monday after the so-called good news. Half because of the announced price drop, half because I'm a Nintendo whore, and half because I could finally start affording the shit I want... provided that I didn't sign a fake contract the Thursday before, and that I don't get fucked when it comes to the new timesheets that I still haven't gotten in my work e-mail so far...

But I still really, really, ridiculously wish that I didn't have to wake up early in the mornings, and fucking go to work every single fucking day...

... on the other hand though?... eh...

... I don't have to go through the job hunt and interview process again... not for a while at least...

... I don't have to worry about my parents being on my fucking back 24/7... it really does suck when parents fucking rape you in the ass all day, Oedipal and MILF complexes aside...

And fucking goddammit? How the fuck can I possibly turn down $20 an hour? Twenty motherfucking dollars an hour is more than the majority of my programming friends are now making, and they're the ones working tons of unpaid hardcore overtime hours... Of course, their job contracts actually last a year, while mine is only three weeks. But hey, the more freedom for me, the more fucking better it sounds in the fucking god-awful mornings...

... and, well?... I guess staying put exactly where I am is for the better, for now at least. Afterall, I wouldn't have fully finished my job by Wednesday, even if I had put in all the unpaid overtime I was expecting to... I mean true, I would've had a working product, and all the user manuals to boot. But the whole web service would've been so untested and so unpolished in the end, that it just wouldn't have sat right in my gut to leave it that way, you know?... programming is sometimes sort of a personal art to me...

And yeah, I do like the people at my place... now that the bitch is gone...

I kinda wish I could get a fresh start in a new place though... especially after what fucking happened in fucking working public (which I still haven't written on my MSN site, mind you... half out of nonsensical fear that the bitch would someday read it, to be honest...)...

... but still, I got an extension, here and now...

... she didn't... and I did...

... she fucking left on Friday...

... but Wednesday was meant to be my swan song...

... my fucking farewell to being a fucking slave to the fucking government...

But guess what?...

Guess the fuck what?...

... against every single fucking law of nature and the universe?...

... I, the no-name whiner, actually am appreciated enough at work to be given a second fucking chance...

... and a fuck load of more money...

... and I guess that stands for something...

... though I personally would just prefer to sleep the fuck in...

... and get the fuck out...

As there's just some things that money can't buy...

For everything else, there's the fucking Canadian government...

... 'cause they really must love to waste money, if they're willing to waste it on me...

On the one hand? That's priceless...

... on the other?...

Fuck.

Y2kk Update: I'm sick and tired, of being fucking sick and tired from fucking goddam work...

One of my university friends commented to me, that he can't believe I'm already cracking from one and half months of work...

The thing is...

Who the fuck does he think he's talking about? I'm the no-name whiner, who couldn't even wake up on time for fucking class in four fucking years of university...

Where the fuck was he, the first day I went to work, and was already fucking cracking from the goddam boredom?...

And, well?...

... apparently, the fact that I've been unnaturally waking up before 7 in the fucking morning every single fucking day, has finally taken its toll on my body...

I've been sick all week.

It started on Tuesday... and it's still fucking me up today...

... and seriously, when the fuck have I ever really been this goddam sick, for this goddam long?...

My flu bug is like a fucking cockroach. I just can't find a way to fucking kill it...

I've had constant headaches, horrible losses of appetite, and a fucking sore throat whether I'm getting fucked at work, or just trying to actually relax at home...

... I'm fucking stressed...

But what's really killing me? The stress of having a project final deadline coming up in a week or so?

The fact that I have to wake up early in the morning, and that fucking commuter travel takes a goddam hour to my goddam workstation?

Or hell, is it really more my doing? I mean, just to save a couple of bucks a day, I choose to rather walk down to Union Station for half a bloody hell hour, rather than just take the fucking subway... Doing that in the rain can of course, really fuck with a person's immune system...

... not to mention their fucking libido...

Or is it because of the bitch?...

She was sick last week... skipped days from it...

And she's been avoiding me for three or four fucking weeks by now... and I've been avoiding her...

Sure, I can try to block her out of my fucking memory... just pretend like she ain't even there...

... but the toll of repression, and of goddam regret and guilt, is always heavy laden on my goddam, sorry ass soul...

Nothing I can do about that either way, though...

... doesn't matter if I want to do something about it...

... there's just nothing that I can fucking do...

... and yes, that does hurt...

... that does take its toll...

...

On Thursday, I was trying to avoid the bitch going up the elevator at work in the morning... so I avoided her one moment, to catch the next fucking elevator after her...

The thing is, as soon as those next elevator doors opened, I got this feeling in the pits of my gut, that something was wrong with this elevator... then again I've also been feeling shit in the pits of my gut ever since I started getting sick this week in the first place, so I really thought nothing of it...

I still have a phobia of elevators. I still fucking do. I just can't take the fucking inertia going up and fucking down...

I've been terrified of elevator shafts ever since I was a small child.

I'm still terrified of getting in an elevator these days, and fucking falling fifty stories down or some shit like that...

But I know all about the emergency brake systems. And I've been in elevators tons of times before, so really I thought nothing of the feeling I had that morning...

... and it's not like it amounted to much at all in the end, but still...

At the 22nd floor of the building? The elevator just shook.

And then it fell.

Just a fucking floor.

But it fucking fell down to the 21st...

I didn't even give a damn though.

You know what I seriously thought at that moment in time, as everyone else in the elevator just grabbed the railings for dear life?

I thought to myself...

... ahem...

"Thank God I don't have to get into work on time today"...

... fuck me...

... I mean, me, the one with a fucking elevator phobia, wasn't even concerned about fucking getting stuck in a claustrophobic elevator all fucking day long?...

Hells bells, I just thought to myself instead, "Finally, I get a chance to fucking catch up on some fucking sleep"...

... and that's what exactly I tried to do...

While everyone else was keeping each other company in the elevator, and making conversation about coincidental horoscopes and horrorscopes, I was just off in my own little world... with my eyes closed, just trying to get some fucking rest from the fucking flu that was plaguing me...

We were stuck in that elevator for almost fifty fucking minutes. 50 fucking minutes, stuck and fucked in a tiny elevator with nine other people sucking up the air...

And I didn't even give a fucking damn.

When the emergency crews finally came to pry the fucking doors open with a single fucking wire (they could've told us where the fucking emergency release switch was 45 fucking minutes ago, thank you very much...), I was actually pissed off as hell that we were actually getting off that elevator...

Everyone else was sighing a breath of relief....

I was just shaking my head, that I was fucking going back to the fucking office...

I seriously didn't want to go to fucking work...

... but at least I finally had a story to tell the coworkers...

... fucking watercoolers...

...

And I still don't want to go to work.

With just a week and a fucking half left to go in my student summer contract, I still really, really, ridiculously can't stand going to work...

While obviously still being sick with a fucking headache and sore throat is a major factor, in just wanting to crawl in my bed and waste away the rest of the week, even with my fucking project deadline quickly approaching... and I guess, sort of the smarter thing to do as well, if I was actually paid for my fucking sick days, that is...

... still, the thing is... well?...

My supervisor is a great guy. He's maybe too smart for my tastes, as he fucking knows a fucking million times more computer shit that I'll ever know... He's probably my only ally in the office place as it stands, really...

... as my supervisor, despite what happened with the bitch the other week, still put my name in for rehiring...

... and also for extension...

... meaning what?...

Meaning if there's room in the budget, I'll be joining his team immediately once my student contract is over...

... and fucking still working from 9 to fucking 5, every single fucking day of the fucking working week...

While obviously, there's no way in fucking hell I could ever turn down a $52K a year contract, to fucking keep working at a place that I now know I ain't that bad of a worker at...

... still, the thing is?...

... fuck, I cracked a long ago...

... like a fucking egg...

... freakin' white on the outside, fucking yellow on the inside...

... and I'm still cracking now...

Sure, 52 grand a year can definitely help mend a few fucking patches, more than the fucking minimum wage that I'm getting right now can, for sure...

... but still?...

... I'm sick and tired of this shit already...

... I'm sick and tired of that fucking goddam slut...

... and I'm sick and tired, of always being fucking sick and tired...

Because seriously, even at 23?...

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Y2kk Update: I was fucking swindled out of my money the other week...

Fuck, I hate being swindled out of my fucking money...

I hate being motherfucking swindled out of my fucking money.

... but that sort of goes without saying, now doesn't it?...

... who actually does find this sort of shit fun?...

... besides the swindler, at least...

...

It was over a week ago from now, when I was just casually walking home from work that day...

I already knew something was fucked up that day. Because not only were all the other students at my fucking workplace starting to ignore me, for reasons I wouldn't know until the fucking week after, but I also fucking missed my usual train thanks to having to stick around and help my supervisor with some menial things...

So I took a later train, to get home over an hour later than my normal time... and I knew something just didn't felt right with the day, as something else was bound to go fucking wrong... I could just feel it...

So as I was just casually walking from my train to my bus ride home that evening, an old, fat Chinese man who looked like some reject from Kung-Fu: The Legend Continues or something, grabbed me by the hand and demanded to know if I was Chinese too...

... not knowing what to say, I simply scoffed and replied, "sort of"...

So then he dragged me aside, and starting pleading and begging with me, as if I had a fucking gun pointed to his head or something...

He claimed he lost his wallet... yeah, fucking right...

And he claimed he needed to get home. He just needed some money to get fucking home...

I asked him why he only asked me for money, and not anybody else. A ton of people giving him a bit of change here and there, could've amounted to a lot of money in the end...

He simply cried out to me that everyone else is racist... His exact fucking words were, "You know those people. They're racist against us Chinese"...

... umm... No, no they aren't...

... well, not really, at least...

I've seen far greater racism from Chinese against whites, then I've ever directly felt from being Chinese in a white community...

... and I think this fat, Kung-Fu reject was a prime number example of such of fucking mindset travesty of the former...

Still, there was just something about him that couldn't make me just say 'no' to the guy...

... he reminded me of my swindling uncle, actually...

When I asked him why he just doesn't go to the police or some shit like that, he didn't just answer with the racism card... He also said it was "embarrassing" to do so. And that was his main motive for not begging everyone as well... At least he wasn't giving me a moral high ground, bullshit answer or whatnot...

And he wasn't the prototypical kind of begger... He was a reasonably old man, in his 50's or 60's I believe. And unfortunately for me, fucking Chinese culture tells me to respect my elders... so thinking that he just needed a bus ride back home, I offered to fucking help him out...

... fucking stupid ass move, if you ask me...

Because he didn't just need a bus ride... a fucking bus ride would've only costed me $2, which I would've had no problem with that...

Apparently, this motherfucker lived practically half the province away... and he needed at least fucking $12 to get a VIA train ticket to get back fucking home...

... and, umm?...

Maybe he did tell me this before I agreed to help him... but his motherfucking Engrish was so damn bad, that I didn't hear about any of this shit...

... Fuck, I was fucking swindled...

I mean, to give $12 to just some motherfucker on the small town streets? What the fuck?...

But bah... my fucking conscience couldn't just let this guy go, to embarrass himself even more by leaving him to ask every single Chinese person that walks off the train for cash (though I think it reveals something, when he went over to me rather than the richer, older Chinese people right behind me from the motherfucking train... fucking guy knew I was fucking weaksauce in the heart...)...

... and besides, he made me miss my fucking bus already... so what the fuck was I going to do?...

... sigh... I have a job now... a min wage paying one. But I can still afford to be an idiot from time to time, I suppose...

So I still motherfucking agreed to help him out...

... how fucking dumbass can I possibly get?...

...

I should've just waited around by the VIA train station, to pay for his ticket by fucking debit or some shit like that... He could still refund the ticket if he wanted, being the swindler that he is. But at least if I bought him the ticket myself, there was a greater chance that he would fucking actually use it (since I believe you need my debit card to refund)...

But there was nobody there at the teller booth for some damn reason. I waited five shitty minutes, and missed my bus in the process, and nobody fucking arrived. I don't know why... I should've just stayed there. But I wanted to get rid of this motherfucking joe blow as soon as possible, so I was dumb enough to follow his advice and cross the street...

I didn't have any cash on me then and there, so I had to head to the nearest ATM machine to get the fucking money from my account for this motherfucking cunt...

The thing is... machines only dispense $20 bills here in Canada... and there was no way in hell I would give him more money than he was fucking asking for... even though he was now begging me for that $20 bill...

So I went to the nearest ATM machine, located in a small coffee shop across the street...

I asked the store owner if he would give me two $10 bills as change if I just gave him a twenty, and he said he was alright with that...

... so I took out of the ATM machine... wasting $2 for the fucking fee in the process...

And then I went back to the store owner, and asked for two ten dollar bills like I had just asked him a minute before...

... he said "no"...

... and, umm...

WHAT?...

He said "no" again... and that he would only give me money back, if I fucking bought something from his fucking store...

... and yes, looking back, I guess I could've saved some fucking money, if I had just bought a $1 drink at his place, and gotten $10 cash back from my debit card in return... I was too motherfucking dumbass at the time to think of that possibility...

But the damage had been done. I had already wasted $2 on a service ATM fee, and now this motherfucker behind the counter wouldn't just give me some fucking change in return for a twenty dollar bill? What the fuck?!...

I had seen in his cash machine. He had a huge fucking stack of five dollar bills...

So then I complained. I told him that he's making no sense...

... then he kicked me out of his store...

... yeah... fun day that was...

...

Eventually, I got to a barber's place, where the guy had tons of cash... I was easily able to exchange my $20 bill there for a series of fives, which of course the fucking begger on my back glared and gazed at with envious eyes...

I don't really know why I was fucking helping this guy out... Was it because he was Chinese, and completely not the kind of BS begger I've learned to deal with in Toronto? Was it because he at least admitted he was too embarrassed about the whole situation to beg anyone else, which was perhaps the most honest answer I've heard from a begger in my fucking life so far?...

All the other times I've been swindled by fucking beggers, was because I was too damn young and naive just to ward them off... In the big city, they sense weakness from the way you wear your face. And then come at you like hoards, begging for money, never giving you any real reason to give them any fucking money whatsoever. Besides getting them off your fucking backs, at least... They claim they simply want to buy a "coffee" for themselves. Well, I don't even buy fucking coffees for myself, because they're fucking overpriced drinks of black shit. So why the hell would I ever fork over my money, so they could buy a fucking decent drink while I'm stuck drinking motherfucking tap water at home?...

This Chinese guy didn't tell me any of that shit... and although he didn't sound sincere about his 'promise' to me, at least he did sound honest about this day being one of the worst in his life...

So really, what was his fucking promise to me?...

... well... he promised that he would send me a cheque back for all the money I would lend him... with fucking interest, of course...

I was forking over $12 to him, plus an ATM service fee of another $2...

... he promised to give me back $15...

... if I gave him my address, at least...

... yeah fucking right...

The thing is, I knew how dangerous it was to give my personal home information to just some random joe off the streets... I half expected him to send me a fucking letter bomb with fucking anthrax or some shit like that, as if this guy was part of the fucking Chinese mafia or something...

... and who knows? Maybe he was... though I doubt he'd be begging me of all people then...

But yeah, out of a complete fit of stupidity, I wrote down on a piece of paper my name, address, and postal code... folded it all neatly, and gave it to the fucking, bloody hell wanker...

And why?... I really don't know why...

I guess after such a fucking horrible day (fucking begger swindling me out of money, included), I just wanted to show a little blind faith in humanity...

It was a game and a gamble, really...

If the guy ever did give back my motherfucking money, like he swore to my face then and there? Then maybe I could start trusting people again...

... maybe I still will again, one of these days, at least...

But guess the fuck what?...

As soon as I gave him the money and my address, and wished him luck... as I was walking away, guess what the fuck I heard him mumble to himself?...

... ahem...

... "I need a drink"...

... motherfucker...

...

And guess the fuck what?

Just as expected, I got no fucking cheque in the mail from him...

... although at least I can finally be reassured that he won't send a fucking car bomb to my house... or take my family as ransom, or some stupid ass shit like that...

Once again, my faith in humanity has been shattered... being fucking swindled for money, and getting fucking fucked over at work by my fellow students, doesn't exactly give me the best hope for fucking humanity out there in the real world...

And being fucking swindled for money, has definitely shown me that I'm still a motherfucking idiot whenever it comes to some asshole with an honest looking face...

I regret being suckered in by this fat, motherfucking fuck...

Nobody likes being swindled for their motherfucking money...

... and made to look like a complete, goddam fool in the end...

Still, it was my choice... I knew what I was doing. Even if I couldn't just say no to the fat fuck...

I rolled the dice, hoping for some sort of letter in the mail...

... for some sort of hope for humanity...

... but I rolled craps...

... that's the sort of thing that always goddam happens, when you roll the fucking dice on fucking blind faith...

The house always wins...

Fuck, I never even liked Kung Fu: The Legend Continues in the fucking first place...

... and it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... heh... not if you heard how the rest of my fucking week went, at least...