Y2kk Update: Well, I'm finally thinking clearly again...

... fuck...

As expected, this past week I've been all bent out of shape and phase, thanks to the goddam fucking flu that I've had and still have. I mean, it wasn't a horrible onslaught of the disease or anything, as it really only caused a slight fever and partial headache and shit like that. The thing is though, it always happens right on cue, that it turns out the weeks that I can't stand the girl at work the most? Are the weeks where obviously I'm feeling ill to the stomach for other reasons, but haven't fucking realized why just yet...

When my internal thermostat goes all out of whack, I lose all sense of focus, temperament and tolerance for bullshit. The thing is, I have feelings, strong feelings for her that just won't go away. Nothing has changed since she laughed in my face, and I couldn't help falling for her all over again, at how warm and friendly and passionate she was for the first half of the week before, then suddenly turned cold and completely indifferent to me the very next days after. I just have no patience for this kind of shit when I'm feeling ill with a fucking temperature in the forehead, I just don't. I wish that I could control myself, and I wish that I had a fucking proper early warning system to alert me when it's my own immuno-deficiencies causing me to wreck havoc amongst my friends and coworkers. I'm just not smart enough for this shit, alas...

But still, even so, there was nevertheless a real reason why I couldn't stand her on Monday and Tuesday, even if my overreaction can mostly be blamed on my own goddam sickness and stupidity. I just wish she gave a damn about me, that's all...

Anyhew, she was alright with me for the latter half of this week, after I finally realized just what was causing my mind to spiral into sporadic migraines. In fact, she was oddly better than fine on Friday afternoon, eerily cherry with a cherry on top, to be honest. I mean, I guess it was nice of her to be all playful and somewhat flirtatious with me as we walked from work to Union Station, except it felt so fucking weird because from my point of view, it really came out of nowhere. Maybe she was chatting up some guy she likes on her instant messenger before she went out with me, I dunno. All I do know, is that she was just surprisingly adorable considering how goddam cold and bitter she had been towards me for over a goddam week by that point...

The thing is though, I'm not sure if she was actually happy there. Maybe it was just my own pessimistic perspective being out of whack or something, but at times it really felt like she was forcing the issue, almost as if her contentment there was all just an act. Or if anything, maybe she was actually genuinely happy, as she had a good reason to, considering it was the Friday before a well-deserved, long weekend. It's just that, that same damn blatant indifference that she has shown me for the past fucking week? No matter how giddy and bubbly she was on Friday afternoon, I still felt that same damn indifference from her, as if it really didn't matter whether I was there with her or not. She seemed happy in spite of me, I felt. Hell, I bet she would've been jumping and bumping off the walls in delight even more so if I wasn't goddam there. None of her joy and enjoyment was being directed at me, I felt. I pray that I'm wrong, but that's just the honest to God impression I got...

... but yes, she did seem happy for once... shouldn't that be all that matters?...

... I wish it was... I mean, I want it to be... I wish it were so...

Well, either way, at least it's finally September. I've now worked at my company as a full time employee for over a year, and it's about fucking time I got my just desserts. Part of the reason why I fucking got so fucking inflammatory sick this past goddam week, was because I chose not to relax at home the week before. My teammate and I were a week behind schedule for one of our big projects, and even though we had excuses why (tons of spawned meetings with management and random new functional requirements, to name a few), it's still our duty to roll out a product on fucking time. So I worked at home after every single day after work, not for that many hours each night mind you, but still enough to finally get the job done. I just wish I got more rest and respite and reprieve from the same kind of fucking stressful bullshit this week, that's all, especially when I was just starting to feel sick all over again...

Either way, a date has finally been set for my contract negotiations to start. Beginning this Friday, my teammate and I will finally be able to argue over how much fucking money we're actually worth to the company. And if things go sour, if I don't get what I fucking want? I have no qualms or compunctions right now with just walking out on the spot, giving my two weeks notice along with getting back my two weeks of fucking vacation. I don't know if I'll really have the guts to pull that off when push comes to shove, or if I'd instead just take the paltry offer I expect them to give to me, and then silently look for a new job on the side. I really don't know, but I've been waiting for this moment for the past several months now, and it's finally time to see what I'm really fucking made of...

I just hope my fucking goddam fever is gone by then, you know?...

... so that at least, finally I can think clearly again...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

And if only I wasn't still feeling like complete goddam shit?...

... then maybe it would be...

... as September always is...

Y2kk Update: Goddammit... I'm so fucking tired...

... I'm so fucking tired of all this goddam bullshit...

Last week was one of the most painful weeks of work I've ever had. Not only did I suffer through the stupidity of God knows how many pointless meetings, not only was I ridiculed and rebuked for my ideas by my own peers (even if they have no real say in the fucking project I'm working on), but I even forced myself into the hard fucking labour of goddam working at home every single fucking day of the week...

My teammate and I, thanks to some design miscalculations and the fact he was on vacation for over a week, were one week behind in our estimations of our progress. The thing is, normally I wouldn't have given that much of a shit, considering we had excuses for why we were behind. But with management riding our asses about the delays, and with our goddam salary negotiations coming up this goddam week, I felt I had no fucking choice but to pick up the slack and get a product out of the fucking door. And while it's still far from perfect, at least I achieved that goal...

... though management didn't give a fucking piece of shit of an ass to give a crap...

... but of course, even so, you two readers out there know that work is never the real cause of why I'm so fucking goddam pissed off...

Well, before I get into that though? At least I had a decent enough weekend. It was both of my grandfathers' birthdays, with the one on my mother's side turning ninety. We had a banquet for him, with some pretty good food, and I didn't even have to pay (though of course I did offer). My other grandpa, I was surprised that we were taking him out of the old folk's home, considering he's been too weak to get out since last year's Christmas. We didn't do much with him around, since his mouth can swallow really nothing but congee anymore. But he enjoyed being with his children all at once again, and I was just happy that I was able to help him move around once more. It's been a long time since I've seen him walk...

My weekend was pretty eventful, actually. Spent the rest of it dealing with computer issues and then spanking a few kiddie problems, as my cousin had his annual BBQ send-off bash for our family friends from Hong Kong. I was left more or less supervising the five or so goddam rugrats who were tossing around my goddam Wiimotes like they were ragdoll physics, but surprisingly I didn't really mind. I was just happy that I was able to spend some quality time with family once again, not just with my grandparents or my cousins, but actually with my brother as well. He left for a trip to Calgary and Banff this morning, but before he did, we got to do a whole bunch of shit together and got to talk about some meaningful stuff at dinner. I've been worried actually, that he's been ignoring me for his new girlfriend far too much and such and such, so it was nice to finally get back in touch with the one person in truth I care more about than anyone else...

... I truly am a hopeless family man...

And Monday and Tuesday last week? Monday and Tuesday were days I will always truly romanticize, but now curse simply for how fleeting it all really was. Those were the two days where I swear I could feel a real connection with her, the girl at work, whenever we would talk and joke and laugh together. Now, I don't know what mystique quite made those two days so damn memorable to me, except for the fact that everything between us just managed to so easily click and flow. She was kind and gentle and compassionate with me, she seemed interested in all the stupid shit I had to say, and I fell into her eyes all over again, honestly fooling me into believing that there could be hope for us yet...

The way she looked at me that Monday and Tuesday, the way that we both sort of stared into each other's eyes whenever we would listen to each other talk? I dunno, but there was chemistry there, I could literally feel the goddam connection. I thought for sure that maybe this was it, that maybe she and I stood a chance at being a couple like I had dreamed so many fucking times before. Those two days, I don't know what was in the air or what we had done differently, but everything between us to me just felt so damn genuine and so damn real. I felt like a completely different person. For two fucking days there, I was fucking happy. I thought she was as well...

... but naturally?... naturally, that's when she went cold...

Monday and Tuesday were spectacular, sadly two of the best days of my life somehow. Which only made Wednesday that much harder to grasp and bear in the end. She pulled a complete 180 on me, as if she got scared of what we once again had. From being the most warm and passionate person I had ever known, she all of a sudden became completely distant and goddam indifferent to everything I had to say to her. She didn't give a single fucking shit about anything I ever goddam muttered. She wasn't even listening, really. She was just off in her own little world, ignoring my very presence as if I wasn't even there...

I don't know what set her off, I really don't. I know she was ridiculously tired, from going to bed at ungodly hours the entire damn week. But even so, she's done this late night shit before, and she never treated me like a goddam ghost back then. Tuesday versus Wednesday was like night and day, polar fucking opposites resulting in the most frigid of goddam storms and circumstances. I do know that perhaps all of this shit started on Wednesday, when she invited me out to a lunch with some other coworkers and I declined, simply because I already had my own plans. Would that alone really be enough to set her off like that? She pretty much ignored me for the rest of the fucking day, I mean. Was that it, or was there something fucking more to all this goddam bullshit of hers?...

I can't say she was rude to me or anything. I mean, I have to still give her props for listening to my goddam rhetoric in the first place. It's just that, she didn't have the strength to even put forth the effort to laugh at my jokes, or pretend to find them the least bit amusing, really. Conversations were just dead between her and I, as she was completely dissatisfied and completely disinterested in anything I had to say or offer. Even when I was talking about my goddam upcoming weekend to her, how it was my grandfather's 90th birthday and how I would have a huge BBQ family gathering and all, she still didn't care. I mean, for once I actually had a weekend worth talking about, and yet after all these other weeks where I would genuinely be interested in anything she had to do over the Saturday and Sunday, she just completely shrugged and brushed me off, giving me the cold fucking shoulder and probably the middle finger to boot? WTF?...

Thursday was the key day in whatever sort of downfall of a downpour we had between the both of us. There was some shit fest of a social gathering at my company, and at first I was alright to go. I was pissed at the girl at work for ignoring me all morning, but in the final moments before the "Fiesta", she started being nice to me online all of a sudden, so I felt inclined once again to visit. Afterall, as much as I hate that kind of bullshit political atmosphere, it was better to show up at least, to not rub people the wrong way with a bad fucking behavioural impression. I never intended to stay long, but at least I should've shown my face in the fucking first place...

The thing is, on my way there, the first person I saw was her. And I don't know what went wrong and cuckoo in that fucking nest of a head of mine, but the moment I saw her there? The moment I saw her fucking smiling her fake ass smile, laughing out her fake ass laugh, grinning her fake ass grin, and pretending to have a great fucking time with a whole bunch of coworkers that I quite frankly don't give a shit about? Now, I know that I have my own fucking fake political laugh, I know that I have my own fucking fake political smile and all. But seeing those on her, seeing her then and there in the full onslaught mode of goddam fucking bullshit pretense? I couldn't take it, I just couldn't take it. I was already angry at her for earlier that day, and I just didn't want to deal with her in a goddam precarious situation like that. Not when I knew I would experience nothing of any sort of real honesty from her...

At the time, I didn't know why seeing her pretense of a smile gutted me so much deep down inside...

... but today?... today, now I know...

... now I fucking sadly know...

On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I had walked with her after work in the hope of rekindling some sort of that connection that we shared the Monday and Tuesday before. But it just never rematerialized, it just never came back. It just never fucking showed its face again, and I don't know why. Now sure, I know she was really tired, and I thank her for at least showing me enough respect to not put on that fake fucking laugh of hers that she does (perhaps unknowingly) with so many other people she calls her "friends". But still, at the very least, I expected some sort of interest from her whenever I made a simple joke or whenever I even talked about the fucking weekend coming up. In the end though, I got nothing. The only real honesty I got from her, I guess, was the plain ass fucking truth that simply put, she did not give a single fucking damn about me or my cause...

I just felt sort of betrayed, that's all... that she wasn't being honest before, that is...

... because the last thing I would ever want, is for her to have to "tolerate" my fucking goddam bullshit...

... or worse yet, pretend to even like it...

This morning, I came into the office completely willing to give her one final chance. I cut her some slack last week, considering how morbidly tired she was throughout the latter half of it all. But today, this Monday, after a weekend that she herself admitted was relaxing enough with plenty of rest? I was expecting her to show some sort of compassion, some sort of concern, and some sort of goddam genuine interest in whatever I had to fucking say, just like she used to one fucking week ago...

... but she never did... she never fucking did...

It was a simple test, a simple fucking test. Afterall, for the final three fucking days we shared last week, I had talked about my grandfather's birthday, I talked about the family gathering I would have, and I spoke to her about every single fucking thing I was looking forward to and dread on the goddam weekend...

All she had to do, all she fucking had to do today, was show some goddam courtesy and concern, and fucking ask me how my goddam weekend went. That's all I was asking for, that's all I was fucking waiting for. That was the test, that was all I fucking wanted. For her to fucking ask me how my fucking weekend went. Was that too much to fucking ask?...

... but she never did... she never fucking did...

... I waited the entire morning... the entire fucking afternoon...

Even after I had asked her about her Saturday and Sunday? Even after we had talked about her entire fucking weekend?...

... she never did ask... she never fucking asked...

... was that too much?... really, was that too much to fucking ask for?...

Now, without a shadow of a doubt, my greatest tragic flaw is simply that I care too damn much whether other people care about me or not. Even so, I can't help feeling like shit that simply put, she doesn't give a shit about me, she just doesn't give a shit. No matter how many opportunities and chances I give her to prove that she even remotely considers me more than just a castaway of an acquaintance, she proves time and time again that she simply does not give a fucking piece of shit. I wish I could just shrug it all off, I wish I could just take it all on the chin in stride, but I can't. I just fucking can't stand being ignored, I just fucking can't...

Last Thursday, I wondered why the fuck seeing her fake fucking laugh and her false fucking smile made me turn away in disgust like I did. At the time, I thought that perhaps it was simply because I was still angry at her for ignoring me for the whole of that morning. Or perhaps, I pondered whether it was simple Transference I was suffering through there, that I hated seeing on her face the same kind of goddam political pretense bullshit that I would've had to smear and mask myself with if I went into the Fiesta of a foray...

But you know what it was in the end? You know why seeing her like that really did piss me off? It's because deep down inside, while I keep hoping she is being honest and fucking genuine with me, it's times like today that prove all those moments she was listening to me, and all those times that she was laughing at my jokes? Chances are, she was simply just putting on a fucking act for me as well, a fucking goddam shield of a mask meant to pity me with her goddam tolerance of bullshit. Now sure, I can never be 100% certain that she really doesn't give a damn about anything I have to say or offer her, but it's days like today when I try to be so completely into her yet she never even dignifies me with a response, that just screams back that this is yet another lop-sided, one-sided fucking goddam, worthless crush of mine...

All I want, is for her to goddam genuinely care... to care about me, in some form more than just a goddam novelty of a travesty...

... and while sure, of course she's special in my eyes, the same fucking thing is all I ask from any of my friends...

... and if they don't reciprocate?... then sad to say, I myself just don't give a damn, with little to no remorse...

I know it sounds so fucking petty, perhaps even conceitful, to be so damn infuriated with the girl I claim to adore, simply because she was too damn ignorant (or perhaps just too tired and forgetful) to ask me about my own fucking goddam weekend...

... perhaps, but even so?... it still shows just how damn low on the priority list I really am on her goddam mind...

... some things just never change... some things just never fucking change...

It's been a horrible past week of work for me, one of the most pain-stakingly excruciating seven days I've ever had in my entire fucking life...

... but at least on Monday and Tuesday?... she gave me a reprieve...

... she gave me a reason... she gave me meaning...

This week though? This fucking goddam week?...

... I can't take it any longer... I can't, I just fucking can't...

... I don't want to care any more... I don't, I just don't...

I don't want pity... I don't want pretense...

... I don't want false fucking hope...

... I just want some goddam rest...

Y2kk Update: Goddammit, do I ever hate this goddam elitist bullshit...

Of course, that's not to say that I've ever managed to rise past it within myself. Obviously, probably the biggest reason why I can't take the arrogance of other fuckers, is because it reminds me of just how much of an asshole I am and was to others. I have my pride, you know, although it's far more of an ego than anything else. Back in the past, when I thought I was the smartest fucking person I knew, I was a complete dipshit of an elitist bullshitter, I remember that much. And although I still am that same asshole in many regards (and the rants on this website prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt), I have been humbled and more than just humiliated by tens of dozens of smarter fucker elitist bullshitters over the course of my high school and university careers...

... I've learned my fucking lesson... I've been demoralized and discouraged as hell by it, but still...

... that doesn't change the fact that I hate, I hate, I fucking hate the goddam arrogance of some people at times...

Now, I don't remember what or why we were even talking at work back on Wednesday, when the random topic of 3D interfaces came up. We had just left from a meeting, one that I was bored out of tears from, so obviously my head wasn't quite screwed on straight any longer. I wasn't thinking completely right, which is why my puppet of a mouth starting blabbering the first fucking thing that came to tongue and cheek thought. Still, even so and even now, I just don't get why a couple people at work took to heart and took to war this fucking following, personal belief of mine...

"A 2D (or 2D-like) graphical interface is simpler and more intuitive to use than a 3D one"...

That's what I said, although obviously after half a week of thinking about it, I've cleared up a bit of my phrasing. Still, that was more or less my argument back on Wednesday, but I couldn't believe the fucking arrogance and audacity of the people at work who completely blasted me back for my opinion. Fuck, I even said it was just my "personal opinion", yet they treated me like I was some complete dunce of a goddam fool. I mean seriously, was my statement really that much out of fucking whack with reality? Maybe I'm just not getting something here, but WTF?...

I mean, it's alright if they reply back "eh, maybe, but I'm not so sure about that", or "I can see you point, but...", since I can completely accept being wrong if they manage to prove their argument without looking like complete arrogant dipshits in return. The problem is, instead of bringing up proper counter-points, they just stared at me like deers in the headlights, completely dumbfounded apparently that I had such a ridiculous theory in the first place. When I asked why my opinion matters to them, since it's just my own personal opinion, one of them even snorted back at me, "because you're wrong!"

WTF, that was it? He just flat out said I was wrong, and acted like I was a fucking goddam retard in the process, why exactly? Was I really that fucking off-base there, to be looked upon and talked down to like I was some fucking mentally challenged son of a bitch? WTF?...

Now I admit that one of my greatest faults is that I'm not very clear or clerical in terms of speech, I forget the proper connotations of certain words, and I usually forget to fucking define my terms when I'm making a bold statement. The thing is, when I talked to the two of them on Wednesday, I didn't outline exactly what my definition of "2D" was (note that I added the "2D-like" comment up above). The thing is, in my argument, it doesn't matter whether the interface is designed with a 2D or 3D graphical engine or not. All that matters, is how the graphics are laid out and plotted on screen. No matter how many fancy 3D effects that video game or DVD menus throw at us, they're still inherently just 2D interfaces, where a D-pad and pretty much a fucking start button will all suffice...

Really, considering a true 3D interface brings forth the concept of spatial depth, and that moving in 3D space obviously requires some added control method over just two dimensions, is it really that ridiculous to say that the simplest 2D (or 2D-like) interface really is more elemental than the simplest 3D control scheme around? Now sure I admit, I did not properly present my definition of "2D" to them at work before the argument started, so it's entirely possible that they thought I meant 2D graphical engines versus 3D ones. But I did try to clarify all this to them later on, but either I fucked up the explanation coming from my mouth all over again, or maybe they just didn't give a shit what I was saying any longer...

... or maybe I was just still fucking completely dumbass in their eyes, I don't know...

... I mean, assuming that they did know what I meant by "2D", am I really that goddam wrong here? WTF?...

I also admit, that it seems that I screwed myself in the foot here with my definition of "more intuitive". It seems that they got the impression that I meant that 2D games are inherently somehow "better" than 3D games, as I even got thrown back into my face the counter-argument that modern 3D games have so much more gameplay depth to them than those during the 2D golden age. The thing is though, I'm not arguing that modern games don't have a lot more shit in them to do these days. I am arguing though, that thanks to the more complex control schemes necessary for a full 3D world, that modern 3D games are less accessible to new players that have not yet become accustomed to the controls...

I mean, sure I may love dual analog FPS controls this days, and sure some people are pure badassery with a mouse and keyboard, but put these control schemes in front of a complete n00b who only knows how to work a DVD remote, and then what? Are my claims then really that far off? WTF?...

Once again though, if they assumed I was talking about 3D graphical engine games versus 2D ones, and if they actually thought I was defining "more intuitive" as "better", then I can see how ridiculous my whole argument would sound to them. Hell, I'll even admit that 3D game control schemes may have a lot more depth to them than most 2D ones, as there was simply so much you could do in the Grand Theft Auto PS2 series. And as much as I still love Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, I'd be hard pressed to say that I still would prefer to play them over their modern incarnations of Super Mario Galaxy or The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess...

But the fact of the matter is, in my honest opinion at least, I can pick up Super Mario Bros. or Zelda: LTTP and relearn all their controls in a matter of a few slight fucking minutes. Meanwhile, I just tried picking up Twilight Princess again the other day, and even though I fucking was ace at the game just six months ago, I was suddenly shit with the 3D camera controls all over again. I may love Mario 64 as a game, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that jumping in it is a hell of a lot more frustrating at first (thanks to 3D depth) than it ever was back on the NES or SNES. It's just not as "intuitive" by the definition of "pick up and play"; it's just not as easy to fucking learn and relearn, that's all...

Now sure, there are full 3D games out there that arguably have better, more intuitive control schemes than even the two above mentioned titles. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't immediately smile at first at how "easy" the N64 analog stick made walking feel in 3D, at least compared to the D-pads on the PSOne at the time. But really, have we seen yet a good 3D control scheme that really is more natural for a newbie to use than a solid, fucking 2D one? I mean, did they just completely misunderstand my point, did they misinterpret my use of "intuitive" as being 'the controls still feel like shit even after the fucking learning curve', or am I really that far fucking off-base here? Seriously, WTF?...

I guess in the end, no matter who's right or wrong, it doesn't really matter. It was dumbass of me to bring the argument up in the first place, as obviously my head wasn't in the game thanks to the meeting. But I just can't forgive or forget the fact that those two were literally fucking me up the ass, giving me total fucking medieval-class bullshit about how fucking retarded my whole personal opinion really was...

What was the purpose of that, seriously? Why were they so fucking adamant and angry at me, honestly? I goddam want to know...

What is with them and their goddam, fucking elitist bullshit here, about one man's opinion that doesn't even fucking matter in the grand scheme of things? Why the fuck were they so obsessed with proving me wrong, for a concept that I admit may just be my own opinion, but that I also still can't see why they thought it was so fucking ridiculous in the first place. WTF?...

I know I have a short temper, I know that I have an easily-bruised pride, and I know that a large part of the reason why I'm so fucking angry at them is simply due to my own goddam transference. I can't stand the fucking bullshit elitism within me, and I sure can't fucking take it up the ass when arrogant ass fuckers bring the egotistical war right back to my doorstep. I honestly want to know why they were so fucking against my personal opinion here, but even more than that, I want to know why they fucking cared about my own lone opinion so fucking much in the goddam first place. WTF?...

... goddam fucking, bullshit elitism... (unless, I guess, if they thought I was being goddam elitist)...

... although, yeah... you can safely guess who one of those two people at work I'm talking about here exactly was...

The thing is, I like her as a person and a friend, I really do like her. But everyone has their faults, and it kinda hurts extra on the side how the greatest verbal weapon in her arsenal, is essentially my own personality trait that I myself am most ashamed of. I don't mind if she politely puts down my opinion, as like I said, not only am I not the smartest man on the face of the planet, but I have a real fucking speech impediment when it comes to goddam explaining what my mind and heart really mean. But almost every single time I make even somewhat of a controversial argument, she just blankly stares at me with this goddam ghastly, golem of a glare, gutting me where it goddam stings most...

Maybe it's just my own fucking ego here, as I know I have no real self-esteem or confidence when it comes intellectual matters. But honestly? Every single fucking time I say something that she deems "wrong", she gives me The Look that just screams out, "you're such a fucking idiot". There's no middle ground with her, and I know that's cliche to say for a woman (... uh oh... she better not read this...), but I just can't help it when she makes that face and makes me feel completely goddam, pathetically worthless. There's an inherent aura of goddam aristocratic, academic elitism in her that quite truthfully, I cannot stand. I know that she's smarter than me (yes, I admit it), but does she really have to drill that into my skull every single fucking goddam time? I know she can't help it, but I certainly wish she would try, at least for me. WTF?...

In my last update, I mentioned that her personality seems to change every single time that she meets her best friend, the one that I went out to with dinner a couple months before. The thing is, the whole bullshit elitism thing this past week pointed out to me probably why she seemed so inexplicably different on Monday, considering this friend of hers was the absolute fucking joker of kings when it comes to this arrogance crap. We all mold to the people we're with; we all want to feel like we belong, and I for one have tried to be goddam l337 when in the company and competition of arrogant assholes, so I know where she might be coming from...

Then again, he's her friend, one of her best friends to boot, so who am I to really judge from just one night out? Still, the only real impression and aggression I got from the guy was not just of self-righteousness, but of goddam fucking fake, elitist bullshit, the kind of which helped him gladly make me out to be some sort of goddam moronic fool in comparison. It's only natural then, for her to fit in with him and the rest of his friends, that the girl at work would do in Rome what the Romans would fucking do. And that's to fuck other people over...

Yes, I know I'm honestly really oversensitive to all this fucking bullshit. But really, there's a fucking reason why...

... nobody likes to be on the receiving end of this goddam elitist assholeness... nobody does, except if they can win...

... or block it all out, as if you had just won...

My problem? I feel guilt for all those people I tormented before, with my narrow opinions and irrelevant arguments, meant only to make myself seem smarter and "better" than they were, subconciously at least. And also, yes I was afraid this past Wednesday, that maybe I was really missing some logic in my goddam argument over this 2D and 3D crap, otherwise why the fuck were the two of them fucking me up the ass so?...

As much as I'm ashamed at my incompetent ability to form a proper coherent discussion, I'm even more childishly paranoid that in the grand scheme of things?...

... maybe I am actually wrong...

... and that I just can't see it... I just can't see it...

Obviously, I have real lack of confidence issues here. The least of which beckons to the life altering formula, "if you've gotta fail, fail in style"...

But goddammit, even so? I hate, I hate, I fucking hate goddam elitist bullshit crap...

Why the fuck do I seek the approval and praise of my fucking peers at work like I do? Not for my work, but for goddam fucking useless opinions and arguments? That's all I fucking care about, my worth in comparison as a fucking human being, when push comes to shove...

... all my life, sad to say, I've wanted to be smarter... smarter than the rest...

... until I realized how it hurt others... and did nothing but delude myself into thinking I was becoming a better man...

... plus, I really sucked...

But even so?...

... I just hate, I hate the fucking measure of a man...

... perhaps, because I always lose...

... I always fucking lose...

Y2kk Update: Last week? Last week, wasn't so bad. Maybe my luck isn't so awful afterall...

Yeah, as I mentioned before in my previous update, I was irrationally nervous as hell about seeing her. I mean, despite all we've been through, despite all my tries and trials and tribulations to move on past her in my heart, I still have the same goddam feelings as I had all those months ago. I am such a hopeless romantic of a goddam fool. Some things just never fucking change...

The thing is, I expected things to turn out horribly between the both of this past week. I stand corrected though; even if nothing really special transpired between the both of us, it really was one of the best weeks I think we've ever had. I mean, it's not like we talked about anything unique or truly memorable, besides her three week trip or anything. It's not like I was really any better of a man than I was before, as I feel I even went overboard with my goddam, pent-up geekgasms whenever we went out for a walk or lunch...

Hell, things didn't even really start off well between the both of us when she returned last Tuesday. I mean, first came the usual pleasantries of how she was and how she was feeling. The weird thing was though, eventually I brought up the topic of marriage (when it comes to people choosing their career paths at our age), and then all of a sudden, she broke out into some predetermined rant about how she still hasn't found the right person for herself. She repeated to me at least three fucking times that there was absolutely no-one in her life that she thought was right for her. She kept telling me over and over again that all she wants in life is a man who will put her above even himself, and a man that she can do the same for in return. She iterated that to me at least three fucking times...

Heh, well... there you go then, finally the long-awaited Friends Speech...

... guess she was building that up in her mind for the past three weeks, eh?...

But seriously, did she think it would really have any fucking effect on things at this point any longer?

... I mean, she laughed in my face... she fucking laughed in my face...

If I had and still have feelings for her after all that shit she pulled long ago?...

... then how in the blue fuck would a little speech like hers change anything from this point on?...

Heh, whatever. I found it amusing, and kinda cute actually. It was nice that she was thinking of me while she was away, even if it was only as meaningless friends. So whatever...

I dunno, even if we started off on a bad note of a new patchy start, I really did enjoy my time with her last week. Maybe it was because her three weeks off from work were also really three weeks off from each other, as I think I really did gain some perspective in the time that she was gone overseas. After she returned, she was still the same girl at work that I've known for over a year now, but she was a bit more open and I was a bit more patient. I fear I talked too much, especially from all my goddam geekgasms and el, but I tended to try my best to listen to her stories and opinions as best I could as well. I don't think I quite did the best job that I should've done for her, but at times after work, I really did seem to feel a connection walking by her side then and there...

Her smile... it just felt genuine when she was with me, you know?...

She laughed at all my stupid ass jokes, but in a way that made me feel more inspired than insipid. Whenever we would walk together, I dunno, the eye contact we had? Even if we were just friends, it felt comforting somehow. There was a certain innocence and glow there in her eyes that had not been there for so damn long now, and it honestly made me really happy to witness it just once more...

We even talked on the weekend. Well, she actually responded to my e-mails for once, that is. She never really did that before. Seriously, WTF?...

I thought everything was going great, to be honest. Even if we're just friends and will never be anything more, I still want us to have some sort of connection, something that separates her from the rest of my friends. She is special to me, even if she can never be what I wish we could have. Even so, I went into work this morning honestly content for once, that things will finally be alright between the both of us...

... I came in with goddam expectations...

... that can't be good for business...

... fuck, that can't be good for anyone...

Now, I don't know how or why I sensed what I did. But somehow, the moment I laid eyes on her? There was just something different about her then and there, about her whole aura and presence, something that I just can't place my goddam finger on. Bur she felt different somehow, there was a different light and darkness to her eyes, that much I can be sure of...

Maybe it was all some self-fulfilling prophecy or some crap like that, but I tried to make my jokes, only for pretty much all of them to fall flat on their faces on goddam deaf ears. I tried to make my somewhat intelligible comments, the same ones that had her smiling and giggling just last week, but all I got were faint feigns of goddam laughter and pity in response. Maybe I was trying too hard, maybe I simply had nothing worthwhile to talk about, but her reactions just seemed so damn forced and fake that I couldn't help but feel a bit on nerve. There just didn't seem to be anything genuine coming from her today, and I just don't know why...

I mean seriously, was it just me? Was it all in my head? Or did something happen on the weekend? Am I just being primordially paranoid, or can something actually change in how she acts, who she is and whatever the fuck kind of friendship we have, from just two fucking days away?...

All I do know is that she met up with her friend on Saturday, the same one who ignored me like fuck the first and only time we went out. It's completely rude and prejudice of me to automatically assume that he would affect her mood and perhaps goddam perspective on me so. But really, if he did have this kind of influence over her, if he was somehow affecting the kind of friendship that she and I have? Then that would explain a hell of a lot in the past, to be honest. That would explain a hell of a fucking lot...

I'm here to contemplate; I'm not here to compete, I really am not. Now sure, in an ideal world, I would love for her and I to be together, as I really have never quite met a woman like her before, that can charm my smile the way she does so damn readily and easily. But the thing is, I know in reality that she has absolutely no feelings for me as anything but a friend, and while obviously I will always unfortunately wish for more, I do understand and now respect her point of view. And I understand that in the off beat chance that her friend, this guy that kept fucking ignoring me, has feelings for her too, that he would perceive me as some sort of goddam threat. I know it's only natural then for him to piss all over his territory, so to speak, but really, I'm not here to compete. He has been her friend for so long now, and short story short, I've seen that he makes her real goddam happy. Really, I know that she confides in his feelings, and I just never want to ruin that for her, as sappy as that sounds...

Even so, there was just something about her, something in her eyes today that tore me apart. Now, I don't know and probably will never know if somehow he is the constant North Star of a malcontent source, of whatever goddam problems and unspoken issues happen between the girl at work and I. But considering the two of them go out about once every two weeks? And after I noted that somehow the pattern seems to be that every other fucking week (between her and I) results in me feeling like complete and utter shit? Is it possible then, that just him spending time with her is essentially what's ruining any relationship or proper friendship I can possibly have with her? WTF?...

I don't know, I really don't logically know, but that's just my impression from when I went out with the guy. And somehow, irrationally that's just the instinctive fear that I have right now. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just goddam jealousy, but I really just don't goddam know. All I really understand, is that something just didn't feel right between her and I from this morning on, that much I'm certain in my gut...

The choice is hers and has always been hers. I just wish that I didn't feel so damn small and insignificant in her world, that's all...

Now, last week? Last week, was a good week...

... but Monday the 13th?... not a very good start somehow, I'm afraid and now fear...

I kept a level head on my shoulders today though. I never once got frustrated and I never once got flustered, at least not openly. I just don't know how the rest of this week will go on, that's all. I'm paranoid that I'll just crack under the pressure eventually, from that lost little twinkle in her eyes whenever she looks at me. Whatever the fuck it was in the first place or whether it was ever real, I don't even know...

All I do know?... I just know how I feel...

... and somehow?... just somehow, something did not feel right...

But she's back. And truth be told, my life really does feel different with her being back...

... whether I'm loving her or loathing her?... at least, I did learn one thing...

Last week, whenever we shared a genuine laugh? I did realize at least one damn thing...

... I really did miss her...

Y2kk Update: Bah, I hate it when it turns out that I really have nothing to complain about at all...

In my last update, I bitched how my manager at work basically sat me down and ordered me to work the long weekend, thanks to a couple of coworkers who didn't fucking finish their jobs before leaving on vacation. I kept my cool in that situation though, and barely uttered a single word but for a raised eyebrow. That got the message through nonetheless, I'm sure, about how fucking pissed off I really was at taking on others' responsibilities. But working extra hours sometimes does come with the corporate territory. I just really didn't want to do it on a long fucking weekend, covering for the asses of a couple a-holes who have never really treated me with any real goddam respect. But yeah, still, a job's a job...

So I got up early on Friday morning (or 6 am, if you count that early, that is), just so I could get to work as soon as possible and get as much shit done before the long weekend as I could. After arriving there two hours before I'm normally due, I started sifting through the goddam lazy ass code left behind by my peers, only to find that everything that they were working on was so damn elemental and basic compared to what I had first believed. I mean, technically I guess they didn't do such a bad job. It's just that, the things they were missing in terms of integration and just bullet-proofing were just so damn obvious to me after a year of fucking doing my job, that I was fucking done reorganizing and repairing their goddam code by the time lunch fucking rolled around. I mean seriously, that was it? WTF?...

I had been threatened with working the entire fucking weekend, just for this goddam company conference that I wasn't even invited to (yet interns who had been at the office for less than a fucking month got a free pass to go). I was terrified that I would have to sacrifice my three days off from work, only to now realize that the two senior developers ahead of me were either complete fucking morons or they simply pretended like the shit they were working on was hard as fuck for drama queen's sake. Goddam fucking politics...

Now that I was able to fix in one fucking day all the bugs they've had on their silver platter for the past fucking month, the only thing I'm really concerned about is potential goddam political backlash from those two guys ahead of me on the goddam food chain. Technically, by getting all their shit done by lunch time (early enough for QA to give me the thumbs up), I made them look incompetent in management's eyes without a shadow of a doubt. But all I honestly gave a shit about both then and now is that I have my fucking three day weekend all to myself, and that I have something new to goddam register on my own resume come goddam contract renegotiation time...

Then again, I was almost tempted to just play the safe side of politics and pretend to have worked long and hard over the goddam weekend. Because I figured, at least that would've given me an excuse to avoid my sister when it came to her empty afterthought of a goddam invite to golfing tee time. She had asked my brother and I the week before whether we could drive ourselves all the way to Ajax (about three cities east of us), just so I could completely embarrass myself with my goddam atrocious skills in front of all the people we'd be playing against. WTF?...

I won't lie that a large part of my apprehension and hesitation in joining her was from how ashamed I felt the first and last time I went golfing on an actual course, where I was blind-sided badly by essentially a blind-folded five year old. But it certainly didn't help matters either when my sister refused to pay for the golfing bill over the phone, and refused to help me get a ride to the fucking golf course in the fucking first place. Where the fuck were her manners? WTF?...

In the end though, after going through all the shit I thought I would abhor, I actually really enjoyed myself this weekend. The ride to Ajax wasn't painful at all, thanks to the fact that I got to stop off at my sister's place first where we went out for Vietnamese noodles before departing together in her own car. And she did offer to pay for lunch, dinner and the golf course itself, but my brother and I wouldn't let her do so. It was enough that she was being courteous and political, so to speak, and it would've seemed rude of my own self not to have paid in full when I have a fucking full time job myself. Sure, she may make double my salary, but meh, I have my own pride to take care of, and a total of $100 spent in one day isn't exactly the worst of situations to be in. It included Japanese sushi for dinner and The Bourne Ultimatum as a film, so all in all, I actually really did enjoy myself Saturday afternoon and night of a long fucking weekend...

Granted, I played like absolute shit on the field, hitting 60+ on a par-30 executive course. Fuck, one of my fucking pitch shots right next to the green soared so fucking high that I think it went farther than my furthest fucking drive. But goddammit, this was all expected, and the Ajax course was surprisingly empty and devoid of almost all nay-sayers thanks to the long weekend here in Cottage Country Canada. So hell, even her choice of location didn't turn out to be so damn horrible in the end, when push comes to shove. I completely admit that I was unnecessarily terrified of the events of this weekend, as it all really was nothing but meaningless and nonsensical paranoia when it was all said and done...

... fuck, I hate it when it turns out I really have nothing to goddam bitch about...

But there is one last thing I'm nervous about this weekend. Tomorrow will be the first day in over three weeks that I'll get to see that certain someone at work. I guess I'm a tad bit hesitant about that, knowing full well that my feelings will be hurt depending on my goddam modern desires versus the reality that never alters or sways. How I'm feeling, and how I act towards her, it all depends on my own goddam wants and deprecated expectations of what I goddam wish could be. If only, of course...

I mean, it's become so blatantly obvious to me that it's almost like I take turns being Jekyl and Hyde when I'm with her, shifting goddam visages every fucking week or so. The week that she left, I couldn't stand her guts, until the next fucking Monday when I felt so hollow without her presence there to just say hello. Yet even though she was still missing in action last week, I was angry at her again, for whatever goddam reason I may never know. Once again, this past week I've felt nothing but excitement and elation that she would soon return, as I honestly have missed her quite a bit so. The only question now remains, if the goddam bi-weekly pattern holds true, does that mean I'm going to act like a goddam fucking jackass to her all over again when she returns this week? Fuck, why couldn't she have taken a goddam even number of weeks off instead? WTF?...

Obviously, my heart and lungs are in a bit of a panic mode. I didn't expect to still really feel this way about her three fucking weeks after I last saw her face, but it seems that I stay compulsive, true to my word, and goddam disorderly obsessive no matter the distance and length of time. I honestly don't know how she will act towards me tomorrow, and as a result, I'm afraid of just how much of a pompous ass I'll treat her in kind 404 response. Just my luck...

To be honest, she'll probably be goddam tired from goddam jet lag, and far too inundated by inquiries and questionnaires from people all abroad and abound to give a true shit about me. If I was a good man, if I was a patient and understanding person, I'd realize that it's only fair that she would not find the time and effort to deal with piddly ol' me upon her grand retour. But of course, depending on the goddam even or odd Vegas stakes of the week, it seems my temperment and fuse often gets too fucking short to give a real shit about any of her circumstances. A truly selfish, blinded man I can be at times, no matter how hard I desperately want not to be...

So yeah, without a shadow of a doubt, short story short, I am nervous. There's absolutely no real reason to feel so, but I just can't help the fucking wishful and wistful desires that I have. It's all about expectations, or perhaps unnatural selection, whatever the hell that means. And for some goddam reason, against all logic, what I am and what I want for me, for us, seems to shift on the gale winds of a goddam weekly whim. WTF?...

Still, if the recent situation at work and the spat I had with my sister are any real indication of how things will turn out? Then really, I have no fucking reason to be apprehensively huddled and befuddled in the goddam fetal position like I'm feeling in the corner right now. There's no fucking reason to be goddam holding my breath, waiting in the wings for a gust of God's goddam wind...

... fuck, I hate it when it turns out I really have nothing to goddam complain about...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... since, if this weekend was any real indication?...

... then surprisingly, it just might be worth a decent story or two...

Y2kk Update: Well, work sure as hell was a royal fucking ass today...

I understand it's about the time that everyone is taking vacation. Problem is, when it comes to my company, it's apparently also the month of goddam crunch-time. We have a major presentation in San Diego to show next week, a 3D graphical convention of some sort where the lucky assholes who were selected to go, get to do whatever the fuck they want in California, provided they periodically man and make comments at the goddam corporate booth. Naturally, I was not one of those few selected to go, not like I could've gone anyhew due to my lack of a goddam passport, but that's besides the point...

The point is that a couple of guys who were working directly on the products being demoed and displayed at the goddam convention just went on vacation this week. And the big fucking kicker was, they left on such bad fucking terms, with such a bad fucking state of affairs. Almost nothing of theirs fucking works at all; it's bugged and plagued like hell to the point where if anyone at the convention asks to try our software without us dictating every single little fucking thing they do, it will just blow to goddam smithereens. Sure, it works under supervised conditions, but I sure as hell don't trust those business folk going to the convention to watch over the shoulders of every single person trying our software (which is already fucking readily available through the net, by the way). Our shit works, sure, but it's far from goddam bullet-proof...

So of course, that's where I come into play. I can't say I was stupendously busy this week or anything, but either way, today was the day I was expecting to go home early nonetheless. Everyone in the office was invited to some sort of summer shindig at a local pub, with free drinks on the corporate house, although I admit I wasn't quite planning on going. Still, I was expecting to take the opportunity to leave fucking early from work and meet up with a friend, only for my goddam manager to call me up into his cubicle right before I left, and told me that I have to finish (or completely redo) all the fucking work that those two fucking wankers left behind before they left for fucking vacation. WTF?...

I asked, "does this mean I have to work the weekend?"...

His response?.. "hopefully not"...

... goddammit, Powell...

Uggh. So instead of leaving at 4 pm like everyone else in the office, I was left there all alone by myself (except for one stupid ass manager looking over my shoulder, making sure I wasn't gonna ditch), working extra hours in order to try to fix all the shit that those two coworkers of mine left behind before this goddam major conference of our company. I don't know if I'll be able to get it all done before the end of tomorrow, and I sure as hell don't want to work the goddam weekend. What choice do I have though? With my potential promotion coming up in a month or less, I can't say no to this kind of shit. If this weekend dictates the difference between the fifty grand I know they're gonna offer me, or the sixty fucking grand (or more, please) that I goddam will demand, then I will sacrifice a fucking three day weekend just for all those fuckers getting to go get laid in San fucking Diego...

Now, I don't know if I really am just pissed at work this week, or if family has something to do with it as well. My only weekend plans so far come from my sister, who invited my brother and I to go golfing with her on Saturday. The thing is, I was expecting that she would treat me at least, considering she had promised to take me golfing for my birthday long ago. It wasn't until I already agreed to tag along this weekend, that it turns out that she won't be paying for me, and that I will have to find my own means of goddam transportation to the place to boot (which is always conveniently near her and nowhere near where I am, of course)...

I mean, I haven't been on the green course all year yet, so of course I wouldn't mind a round or two, even in this sweltering heat wave of ours. It just pisses me off to no end how once again, her idea of a goddam olive branch of a peace offering requires me to get off my ass, drive for a fucking hour in the blinding heat, only to finally get to the executive course where I still have to fucking pay for myself? How the fuck is this supposed to make me excited to meet with her, especially considering she fucking promised that she would take me out to golf for my fucking birthday, yet never really did. How the fuck is this supposed to make me feel? WTF?...

I don't know, maybe I'm just being oversensitive about all this like I do with all the other shit in my life these days. I truly am a childish and immature man, really. I will firmly state with conviction that I am a selfish person to the core, a utilitarian being whether I like it or not. And as a result, I just can't stand being treated like some third tier family member, some second class citizen, or the very last on her fucking goddam check list of "to do's" before she can feel better about herself. Her offer of spending a few hours golfing with me just feels so goddam meaningless when I'm the one who's going to be paying for the fucking gas, I'm the one going to be stuck in traffic for hours, and I'm still the one paying for my goddam golfing fees...

Where's the fucking sense of courtesy? I just hate being fucking chastised this way; her extended offer, it all feels like family politics, that's all...

Like I said though, maybe there really is nothing to get worked up about over here. Being pissed about all this today though, has really made me wonder whether my sister is the real reason why I can't stand that certain somebody at work sometimes. Goddam transference, I'm talking about here. I mean, I just hate being ignored, as embarrassing as that is to say. And I hate being pitied with just throwaway bread-crumbs of thoughts, which is exactly how I feel my sister is treating me throughout this whole goddam situation. As far as I'm concerned, she still owes me for my birthday, yet this is the thanks I get? WTF?...

... oh wait... shit, I forget to get her a present for her goddam birthday...

... err, umm?...

... nevermind then...

Anyhew, next week the girl at work returns back into my life. I really do wonder if anything will be different, whether she will have changed over the course of three weeks, or if I have actually grown to be a better and more patient man, rather than just the bitter pill to swallow that I normally goddam become. I know I will never be more than a friend in her eyes, and as much as it pains me to do so, I guess I have to accept that. Even so, I just wish she would trust me, the way I naively hope that all my friends implicitly do on some level or another...

I am an impatient and petulant man. I live and die by the swing of the pendulum, with a distinct impeccable disdain for goddam social manners and morays. I will never be the right man for her, I know that in all honesty. And I will never be more than just a background faded painting to her, I suppose, even as friends. Or at least, not for a very damn long time, or perhaps even never at all. Trust has to be earned, and that trust can only be garnered through putting forth goddam hard work and time...

... sigh... time after time...

... alas, the hourglass...

... meh, whatever...

The only thing I really do give a shit about right now, is whether I can enjoy my three day fucking Canadian weekend or not.. Because work really was a fucking royal pain in the ass today. I stayed extra hours, yet I still felt bad for leaving the office before the goddam job was done...

And just for the record, not to mention the shits and giggles? I've canceled my goddam vacation time scheduled this month...

... though heh, something tells me, I wouldn't miss these next few weeks in the office for anything in the goddam world...

Afterall, it's been a long time coming...

It's all coming to a head....

I've paid my fucking dues...

... that's three down...

So really, now that it's finally time?...

... what the fuck do I do now?...

Y2kk Update: You know, sometimes work can be such a goddam bitch...

... and sometimes, business can really get to you... and get goddam personal...

I was talking to a friend just recently. Suffice to say, short story short, he's found himself in a goddam predicament where his manager basically tried to shaft him up the ass. My friend was basically being a good man, doing extra favours, and in return he got spat upon from high above, the way you expect the sole of a business shoe to shine and spit. It's discouraging and goddam disappointing, maybe even quite a bit demeaning, true to the word and world. Because that's sadly the world of business for you, where the bottom line often counts more than giving people what they're fucking goddam owed. Afterall, what a person is owed is often or always relative. I suppose, if you don't take advantage of someone first, in this existence it's expected then that you're just the goddam fool...

There was this coworker of mine at work, who a few weeks ago left the job for an internship at Japan. He was a nice guy and all, and a great programmer especially in terms of speed. Too good perhaps, as I probably had a couple discussions with him throughout the year we worked together, how he was just working too damn fast for his own good. Maybe he mis-interpreted my intentions, thinking I was trying to hold him down or prevent myself from looking so bad in comparison, but really I only had his best interests at heart...

He was working at the company for over a year, doing more in a day than I admit I probably do in a week. Problem was, he wasn't getting rewarded for it at all. As soon as he would finish one task, another two would pop up. And what did he get in return for finishing everything as quickly as he could, putting overtime in just to meet some noname manager's demand? He was the worst paid employee in the entire company yet never got a pay increase. He never got a raise, he never got a goddam promotion, and the way they treated him as he was finally leaving the job (for an even more demanding one, mind you) was just downright degrading, if you ask me at least...

So this intern coworker of mine that was leaving for Japan, the country of his dreams where he loves the food, the entertainment, the scenery, the culture, and of course the goddam women (or porn, at least)? The least that the company could have done was give him a good send-off of a lunch, and then maybe finally give him a bit of extra compensation as a thanks for all he's done. And while at least they did supply a single cake as a farewell for him (forcing him into a speech in front of all the employees he's never ever talked to before), the lunch they provided was just downright rude and inconsiderate, no matter which way you slice it...

First of all, I was the one who had to suggest the lunch in the first place, and I was shocked to learn that nobody had been planning one all along. Second, I was sick on the day in question (the day before the lunch, I meant), but apparently nobody tried to figure out where this coworker wanted to go to eat. If they had just asked me what kind of food he liked, we would've settled on Japanese or Vietnamese or some shit like that. But instead, management opted to go to the one place they themselves wanted to eat, some shit ass pub where my coworker and I couldn't stand the shit ass food. Even worse than that, all the top brass came along to give that coworker a hardy send-off, which I suppose could be construed as a kind gesture, if only it didn't prevent all of us lower echelon workers from saying anything open about the company that we really goddam felt. WTF?...

Suffice to say, it was awkward. And even more mind-boggling, was the fact that despite this coworker of mine leaving for a fucking job in Japan, that my company actually asked him (after cornering him alone where I could not put in my two cents) to keep working for them still on weekends while in Japan. WTF?...

What's even more mind-blowing, was that before even thinking about it, before consulting the rest of us coworkers, or even without asking to have some time to think it through, this fucking colleague of mine just replied, "yes", to them? WTF?...

He just keeps taking it up and up the ass, over and over again from this goddam company, even weeks after he's officially left for the rest of his goddam life. Working so hard, finishing shit twice as fast as any other employee in the company, did nothing for him but make him their goddam pet of a slave. They worked him to the bone; they saw weakness and pure gullibility, and still abuse his generousity and work ethic to this very day by getting him to do weekend shit while getting paid piddly sums in fucking goddam Japan of all places. What, they didn't feel it would be at least somewhat courteous to let the man have a clean conscience on his mind as he explores the temples and technology of the country he loves in his own free time? Instead, they knew he was so weak willed and minded that they cornered and conned him into staying their goddam yes-man of a puppet, for even less money here than he was making before? WTF?...

... whatever... if my coworker wants to keep taking is up the fucking ass, that's his choice in life...

... doesn't mean I can't be disgusted with the actions of my own managers though, of course...

I don't know. Technically, I'm being somewhat abused myself. I'm making a lot less money than almost all of my other coworkers are, although that was for good reason (entry level, right out of university). Now I see that I'm doing about twice as much work in the office as some employees who have twice my salary, and come my annual review at the end of August, I will be demanding that I get my fucking just desserts. However I perceive my rewards versus how my company views my performance, I guess that's all a story for another fucking day...

Just as a final sidenote, of course I can't leave without mentioning at least a little something about that certain someone at work. I don't know why it's been bothering me all fucking week long now, but it somehow haunts me that she hasn't told me exactly how much money she's making at the company. I knew it's a lot more than I'm earning; it's a sizable sum, to be sure, and somewhat unfair considering she and I both came into this company with the same amount of education and real work experience (one year or so, under our belts). Difference in situations and methods of entry into the company, I know. But still, that's not the point that kinda hurts...

I know she doesn't have to tell me how much she makes (even when I sort of asked), simply because arguably it's none of my business, or maybe she simply doesn't want to make me feel jealous. It was petty and nosy and intrusive of me to inquire, I know. But even so, I still long as friends that she would show some sort of real and open honesty for once. Good or false or null intentions, this is just yet another one of those scenarios where I wish she gave enough of a shit about me to actually believe this kind of stuff to be my business. Considering she knows exactly my pay, as I have no qualms about revealing to her my salary, her own silence just shows a level of mistrust and goddam disrespect between the both of us, you know? Just disheartening as all things in life, really...

... then again... I've yet to give her a real reason to trust me, now have I?...

Heh... the other week, the day before she left on vacation actually, I said to her something that for some damn reason I regret. It's the weirdest and dumbest thing really, how I told her that "I can be a tad bit eccentric at times". Which to me is true, at least thinking back about how I was in high school compared to what was perceived as "normal", whatever the fuck that means. But I don't know, the way she stared at me after I said that to her, as if I were a complete blathering fool of an idiot? Just one glancing blow, just one fucking slap to the face from her, and I felt ashamed. From that one damn look she gave me, I suddenly just knew that almost all her goddam friends were far more eccentric already than I could ever be, and she was basically scoffing me off with thoughts and notions of goddam preposterousness...

She was practically rolling her eyes and condescending her head, goddammit. I said something ridiculous in her eyes, and even though she technically uttered nothing rude about it, somehow I got the message. Somehow, I just got this chilling impression from her like she found me to be some goddam moron who didn't know what he was talking about then and there. I don't know why I feel this way about this whole split-second situation, whether it's a self-confidence and esteem issue or whatnot, but the sensation sure felt and still feels real. I felt like a complete dunce of a dumbass for a throwaway comment that logically was completely meaningless, irrelevant and not even worth mentioning ever again. Yet the fact that I said it, and the sight of her basically shaking her head in disgust, just won't ever fucking leave the forefront of my goddam mind it seems. Why can't I just shrug and laugh it all off? WTF?...

... yeah, well... anyhew, it's getting late... and that's enough whining and grating for one night, me thinks...

Either way, it just still pisses me off how these small companies (or any company, really) just keep trying to take goddam advantage of my friends and coworkers. Whether it be the way of the world or whatnot, it still just gets to me sometimes. Sometimes, it feels personal. That intern who left for Japan, namely, and my friend who was disrespected like hell this week...

Fuck, that's two down...

... one left to go...