Y2kk Update: It's a three day weekend for me right now but I still have no energy or motivation to write. Yup, it's definitely the back to work and back to school season for me...

I finally finished my Accounting Certificate at York University, but now I'm wondering why I went for it in the first place. When I first returned to post-secondary education a couple of years back, I was imagining a career change with the hope of getting a Chartered Accountant (CA) designation. The thing is though, am I really willing to put in routine 60 to 80 hour work weeks for a paltry salary for two or three years straight, all for the hope of getting an accounting designation that may lead to yet another job that I don't care to commit to? I don't even know the answer to that question because I failed miserably these past few months in finding any accounting job that would count towards the audit and tax hours required to be eligible for the CA. Eventually, like everything else in my career, I just gave up. Was it really worth it to keep searching for this piss poor job that pays me almost nothing, all for the faint hope of someday earning two little letters after my name? In a sense, I always wanted a CA for prestige, to prove I accomplished something in life, but is it really an achievement I want?

I'm still proud that I finished twenty-five courses to earn my Accounting Certificate, but I wish I had proudly crossed that finish line instead of whimpering into last place. I wish I had gotten a decent accounting job at a good firm to have something to show for all my hard work, and I wish my just-completed summer term to earn my Accounting Certificate had gone better than it did. Still, I am now officially finished, or at least I should be considering I have all the required courses completed for both the Accounting Certificate and the 51-prescribed credits required to be eligible for the first CA exams. Of course, considering I wasn't able to get a CA-sponsored firm to be eligible for the final CA tests, all of those extra university courses I took for the CA designation have now pretty much been rendered worthless. As a result, I've chosen to target the poor man's MBA instead, known in Canada as the Certified Management Accountant designation. They pretty much accept any sort of budgeting and mentorship experience towards eligibility for their final case test, and rumour has it that the CMA and CA designations will merge into one single "CPA" designation in ten years or so, thus what's the real purpose of wasting at least three years of my life in begging for a CA anymore? The only issue left is that I need to take three more courses at York University this fall term to be eligible for the CMA program. I start my final three courses this coming week.

I'm tired of school though, and I'm tired of waiting for an accounting job that simply will not arrive because I have no prior experience in the field and I'm too stubborn and too proud to take such a low paying job for only the slight possibility of a brighter future. Now maybe this wasn't the wisest course of action when you consider where I want to be in my career five or ten years down the road, but over the past couple of months, I have been concentrating on getting a computer programmer or engineering job again. My resume is obviously more tailored to stay in the software development field, and a large part of me still enjoys the kind of work that I did at my previous jobs. I don't have any regrets for quitting my position back in 2008 when everyone else was being laid off except for a small band of volunteers, but I guess I do sort of feel a bit of remorse for leaving my last job in April. I feel like I betrayed some of my coworkers by so abruptly leaving, and in a sense I miss working with them. I don't know if I was truly ready to leave. I knew if I didn't leave my job at that time though, I would've gotten lazy and complacent and would've taken far too much of my sweet time to search for a better career in accounting. In hindsight, it would've been much smarter to just have stayed there for another half year and looked for a new career on the side. It's been four months since I left and I have nothing to show for my efforts except for a new job in the same industry.

I certainly had a lot of interesting interviews over the past couple of months to get to this point though. Probably the one that affected me the most personally was an engineering job back in the old town where I lived for twenty years. While I hadn't heard of this engineering firm myself, my uncle told me that they had a really great reputation and were known for quality work throughout the world. Besides the fact I finally had a chance to work for a company I might be proud to announce on my resume, what most attracted me to this position was actually the chance to finally earn a Canadian Professional Engineering designation. The PEng has always been a dream of mine since I was in high school, especially since earning a university degree in engineering is not enough to truly consider yourself an engineer. After two or three years of being mentored at this company, I could finally earn those four letters after my name that I've been coveting for so many years. In a sense, I considered this a chance at my dream job. Sometimes though, you find out your dreams are not what you wanted.

I had no problems with the phone interview for that company, and the HR screening when I first arrived for the in-person interview was no issue either. I noted that they asked if I was okay with travel, since they admitted up front that there would be about 30% travel to the United States. I said I was fine with that, as long as the majority of my time was still spent at the home office in Canada. Next up on the list was one of their senior engineers who oddly interviewed me one-on-one, which is strange for a developer. The moment he stepped into the room though, I instantly noticed that something was wrong with him. He was slouched over and so utterly depressed, with absolutely no life or vibrance in his eyes whatsoever. He honestly looked like he didn't want to be there, not only in the interview room but the entire company as a whole, which was definitely not a good first impression. He asked me a bunch of technical questions, most of which I had no problems with answering correctly, and the whole time he didn't even make eye contact with me once. He just kept staring down at his dossier papers as if they were his only comfort in the world. Finally, he gave me the metaphorical thumbs-up of approval and said that I could now meet his manager for the final in-person interview. Before he left, I decided to ask him a couple of questions, one of which was a vague inquiry about the kind of travel involved with this job position. I expected him to reiterate the same answer that the HR lady had said, that it's 30% travel to the United States and to other parts of Canada. I never expected to hear what sounded like his honest answer.

"We're hiring to send engineers over to Europe. Each placement will be for six months up to two years."

Wait, what? Why didn't any of the HR people tell me this when I directly asked them what kind of travel is involved? I think there's a huge goddam difference between 30% travel to the US and living in Europe for up to two years at a time. That was not what I wanted in a career, and that's now what I agreed to when I said I would come in for an in-person interview. Granted, after my interview I rechecked the job description and they do mention (as two separate points) "travel involved" and "global partners", but why didn't the interviewer over the phone tell me this when I directly asked? As the senior engineer was leaving though, as angry as I was that I wasn't informed about being shipped off to Europe, I tried my best to calm myself down and to gather my thoughts. I tried to convince myself, maybe the senior engineer was confused? Maybe I was interviewing for a CDN-US position and not a European one?

After a few minutes of waiting and brewing, his manager came in and certainly did not look happy in doing so. I should mention that this manager was a woman, which is definitely odd to see in an engineering company, so I knew right off the bat that she would probably be the type to speak her mind. She asked me to tell her about myself, and while I tried my best to prevent my passive aggressiveness over the travel debacle from leaking out, I do feel I was not as calm and politically polite as I normally am when describing myself. I made subtle mistakes when pointing out how I've always wanted to be part of an engineering firm, how I've always wanted to work on relevant projects and how I've always dreamt of earning a PEng designation. It was only a couple of minutes into my speech until she cut me off with a nastiness I had never encountered in an interview before, and I'll never forget what she then said.

"I'll stop you right there. Why are you only talking about being in the company for five or ten years? Why not your whole career? I think you have a problem with entitlement."

Wait, what? I was talking about five or ten year plans because that's what people normally discuss in interviews, right? Or at least, that's the kind of questions that managers always ask me in software firms, where they want to hear that I'm ambitious enough to try to become a manager or a team lead by the five year mark. Of course, my mistake was not realizing that software firms are used to having high turnover rates, while I guess I should've realized by the depressed senior engineer earlier on that this engineering firm wants to hire employees who will use up their entire lives at one single company. I remember plenty of friends and colleagues from my engineering university days who would've been ecstatic to earn a job at an engineering firm like this and probably would've never left the company if their life depended on it, so it's not like I didn't know where this manager was coming from. Still, is that really the only type of employee that she wants under her wing? She really only wants passive worker bees who will never try to improve the system or challenge any sense of authority?

I couldn't believe that she had the gall to call me out for my sense of entitlement. Was she correct? Perhaps, because I was pointing out that I wanted things from the company in order to stay. I exposed myself in a way as a person who would not be happy in the company without earning a PEng or without being promoted to a manager by the five year mark. Like I said, normally in a software development company, saying these kinds of things presents a sense of ambition and personal drive, but apparently those are the exact opposite qualities that this manager wanted in an employee. When I tried to defend myself and asked her for clarification, she retorted back to me that I'm exactly the kind of "problem employee" who would leave as soon as he wasn't happy. I'll admit, she may have been right in her assessment, but shouldn't a company try to make their employees content? Apparently not, according to her.

"I had an employee who was great at his work. A large project opened in Spain and I told him he would have to leave for Europe the next week. He refused and he didn't have a good reason. No wedding, no funeral or anything. He didn't have a good excuse, so the next day, I fired him. I will not tolerate having my corporate culture be disrupted like that again".

And, err... what? The guy never signed up to be sent to Spain, she made it very clear to me that he was hired with the premise of staying in North America. More than that, she even pointed out that he was a great engineer who was doing very good work for the company, yet she canned him simply because he didn't want to completely uproot his life and move to Europe? She never pointed out how long he would have to live in Spain, but if the previous senior engineer I had met was telling me the truth, I imagine it was for one of those six to twenty-four month projects he was hinting at. Why the hell should somebody who has a home here with family and friends and maybe even children, suddenly choose to be shipped over to Europe with only a freakin' week worth of notice? Why didn't she try to offer him incentives like a proper bonus, or at least ask other employees first to check and see if anyone else was willing to take this employee's place and reap the benefits? Instead, she fired him the very next day after she ordered him to go to Europe. How is that even fair? I know she was arguably right in assessing my sense of entitlement, but is it so wrong to be entitled against a manager who apparently cares nothing for your happiness and well-being? I mean seriously, let me get this straight. She doesn't want employees with ambition who want to be promoted, and she doesn't want employees who have the courage to say no to their manager when given a completely ridiculous relocation proposal out of thin air? If she has no respect for her employees, can she tell me why exactly I would ever want to work for her?

There was a small silver lining to this interview. Sure, she made me feel like total shit throughout the hour where she was basically criticizing the very core of who I am. At the very end though, she at least offered one compliment, that I did well enough on the technical questions and in defending myself that she would hire me if it wasn't for my "problematic attitude". Working at this engineering company would've been a dream job of mine, but only because I would've been proud of the name of the firm and of the chance to earn the PEng. I would never want to work for a manager like herself, and I'm just not the type of person who would want to be shipped off to Europe for a year or two of my life at any given notice. Before I left, I asked her if this job really did require travel to Europe, and while she wouldn't give me a straight answer, she did say that she didn't want any employees who wouldn't leave overseas as soon as they're hired. Why didn't they tell me this over the phone when I asked or when I was screened by the HR lady as soon as I arrived? What a bloody nightmare of a company.

... and the sad thing was, that was the nicer of my two interviews from that same damn week...

The very next day, before I could even regain my bearings or my shaken confidence after being humiliated and exposed in that engineering interview, I had to return back to the same town where I grew up for twenty years for a different interview at a small, financial services contractor firm for a senior developer position. Earlier that week, they had simply called me in for an in-person interview without even screening or asking me any questions over the phone, which I found to be very odd. I just shrugged it off though as potentially a sign of good luck, and I hoped that maybe they were just really interested in me because of my resume. The actual location was nearby my old house in a tiny little office where everyone I could see looked both foreign and dressed (lazily) like a hardcore coder, all acting as if they had the worst personality skills and team cooperation whatsoever. In the end, it seems I went two for two with first time impressions at interviews that week, because it didn't take long for me to realize that this company was certainly not the place I would ever want a career.

The interviewer was of Eastern European descent and I already knew something was wrong when I extended to shake his hand and he simply brushed me off, saying he didn't care for pleasantries. He only cared about how well I coded and prefaced the interview by stating he wasn't like other interviewers that hold your hands when they ask technical questions. The first question he asked was how I would efficiently port C++ legacy, multiple inheritance code to C#, .NET single-inheritance code. I honestly barely even understood the question, so I did my best to pull solutions out of my ass based on anything I could remember from the .NET framework. I realize I didn't know what I was talking about, but did he really have to be so rude to me with his response? He didn't try to put me down gently or anything. Honestly, he starting laughing in the middle of one of my statements and began shaking his head at how stupid I was. He tore the question paper right from my hands and giggled at my expense some more. Really, that was his way of making a good impression on a potential employee?

The next question he asked was, in his own words, "a basic problem anyone should be able to answer". I admit, it was much easier than his first, as he asked me to code exception handling around an OLE database connection and he claimed he wasn't going to be a stickler on connection string syntax. I took a piece of paper to write on and I wrote the best damn function I could. Would the code I wrote work in the end? Absolutely, but it certainly wasn't good enough in his eyes. When I said I was done, he took a single glance at what I had written and honestly, he shook his head in disgust some more. He started chuckling at me, and maybe even starting cussing in his own language under his breath. His first English words to me were, "pathetic, this is spaghetti code". I asked him why, and the first thing he did was mockingly start writing checkmarks for everything I had gotten right. He put down about seven or eight checkmarks in several different places (so I'm guessing I did those parts fine, such as properly closing the open connection in a try-catch-finally statement), until he suddenly paused and starting laughing at my expense again. He pointed out that the code was awful because I hadn't properly used a try / using block around the declaration of the null variables at the top of the function. I seriously didn't understand why I had to do that considering they were just null, empty declarations (and all the code that could cause real problems was already in the exception handler). He grinned mercilessly at my cluelessness yet again and boastfully stated that programs can experience "heap memory out of error" exceptions even when declaring null variables. I tried to argue that a failure like that would be handled by other exception handlers elsewhere in the code, but he vehemently disagreed. Even though I had gotten so many things right in this question, he literally ripped up my paper like I had just conjured the most disappointing piece of shit coding he had ever seen in his life. WTF?

The last question he offered me was one about multiple threads and synchronization. I expected a simple question like how to prevent deadlock using locks and semaphores, but he didn't want any of that crap. Instead, I soon found out that he wanted a trick. He mentioned to me that locks are inefficient and can cause significant overhead in financial systems, so he wanted me to modify a standard multiple thread class to remove the inefficiency. I honestly had no clue what he was talking about, because I had yet to ever work with low-level thread programming in any of my previous development jobs, and also university had only taught me to use locks and semaphores like he already had in place in his goddam example program. He left me on my own for a few minutes, and while I could've cheated by desperately checking my smartphone for solutions, I did my best to tough it out instead and try to come to a solution myself. I just couldn't figure it out though, and that's when my interviewer returned and literally face-palmed himself when I admitted I couldn't figure out the answer. Turns out, he just wanted an old sly trick, where you use "double-checking" with multiple if statements to get around any cases where you might accidentally check the thread lock twice or more in one pass. Really, that's all he wanted? He just wanted a cheap hack that I could learn from a ten second google search? Why is it so important to prove that I know this in an interview?

And that's when he 'graciously' put me out of my misery, smirking and trying to contain his amusement when he sarcastically pointed out to me, "you know where this is going, right?"

Of course, I nodded in agreement, but I was pissed off enough from his constant rudeness and overbearing arrogance to at least try to fight back. I argued that I'm a hard worker with four years of software development experience and that I can quickly learn on the job. I reiterated all the things I had learned from just that interview alone with him that day, and I tried to make a point that I can pick up so many new things easily by just asking questions or making a quick Google search. I attested that his interview was already harder than any other technical interview I've ever had in my life, which was goddam true. I told him I enjoy a challenge, as long as the expectations are fair. His response though in return was not so kind.

"My questions didn't even scratch the surface. The world is full of mediocre programmers. You're one of them. Other companies accept this but I don't."

I pointed out that I have both computer engineering and accounting management backgrounds. I tried to argue that I can speak with clients and gather requirements. He scoffed.

"That's worthless. I can talk with clients. Anyone can."

Yeah, uh huh, right. As if I could ever believe business clients would love working with a guy like him. Exasperated at his ignorance, I then tried to argue that I could learn so much from him and the other programmers at the firm since they were so experienced with their skills. I can do a great job when given a proper chance. But of course, he mocked me yet again.

"How can I teach you to run when you can't even walk? You can't even understand the basics."

Ouch, that kind of hurt, and that's when I got fucking pissed. I asked him one last question, why did he bring me in for an in-person interview in the first place? Why didn't he screen me over the phone? Why didn't I have a phone interview before I drove an hour in traffic to make it to this interview, only to be criticized and humiliated for now a goddam hour straight?

"I saw that you had finished Accounting and we assumed you could learn new things. I was wrong."

Wow, okay. I don't even know what to say to that. Or actually, I sort of did. With the most sarcastic tone of voice I could goddam muster up, I made one final statement to him.

"Then I suggest in the future, you screen all potential employees with a phone interview, so we don't have to come all this way to waste your time..."

That's when I mockingly shook his hand (ironically, he chose to shake my hand this time around), 'graciously' thanked him for his time and then left on my fucking merry way.

Wow, two fucking god-awful interviews in the span of two fucking days. My Wednesday interview at the engineering firm was a complete and utter attack on my personality, and what hurt the most was that the manager was right in her assessment. I would never want to work for a person like herself, but she was correct that I do have a sense of entitlement, that at times I am a spoiled quitter instead of a hard worker, and she really made me feel guilty about leaving my former coworkers out to dry back in April. I showed my peers no signs of loyalty or friendship, and the manager at the engineering firm really opened my eyes to the remorse I had over my decision again. And as for this Thursday interview for the senior developer position, that was a complete and utter attack on all the technical knowledge and skills that I've learned over my university years and career. It made me feel completely humiliated about the kind of jobs that I've had, because he was right that I've only written the same kind of programming shit that a high schooler could accomplish when they first pick up the goddam language. I've always been embarrassed and insecure not only of the complete lack of big company names on my resume, but also of all the worthless work my firms have given me over four years. I've learned nothing at my old jobs except for maybe putting on a smile and sweet talking some clients, which I learned more at Accounting presentations than anything else. The interviewer was ridiculous in how insulting he was to every fiber of my being, but he wasn't wrong about my skills or experience. None of what he said would hurt if he was wrong.

To add insult to injury, I may have already told part of this story before, but there was this other job that I interviewed for and I did well enough that they claimed to me they were very "impressed". They guaranteed that I would hear from them again, which I did a couple of weeks later, but not for the job I had applied for. Apparently, I didn't have enough experience for the software development position I was up for in my two and a half hour gauntlet interview, and instead they offered me a conditional agreement to later join as a business analyst. I didn't like the fact that they would be shipping me off to the United States 80% of the time, but I was happy to get a decent consultant position like that under my belt while I looked for other available jobs. About a month ago though, just a couple of days after the two completely deflating interviews I mentioned above, I got an e-mail from the HR recruiter at this firm. She told me that they conveniently no longer had the budget to hire me as an employee anymore and she didn't respond to the e-mail I sent back. Ouch, talk about salting the wound. The funnier thing was, a couple of weeks after that, the same company contacted me again out of the blue and stated that they suddenly had room in their budget to hire me again. I immediately agreed to the same conditional requirements as my first contract, only to be told one week later that once again, they've changed their minds. The e-mail from the recruiter started off with, "I don't know how to tell you this, but...", and she never responded when I e-mailed her back with not such a friendly tone this time around. Go figure, I guess.

Eventually, I did find a job. Actually, I had two offers on the table, one being a tax consulting job that I really wanted to take. When I went in for the interview, I loved how that manager showed respect for me and also asked what I considered to be relevant questions. Most of them were completely behavioural, mainly how I would extract from other technical people SR&ED information and how I can escalate the matter to managers if need be, but she was also impressed with my technical knowledge regarding T2 tax returns and how to fill out research and development tax refund claims. I would've loved to have accepted that job but the offer simply came one week too late, or never at all actually. My friends and family all agreed that waiting for this offer to come in was simply too risky, especially since it was still a conditional offer based on having a final meeting with the company president first. The salary and bonus for this position would've supposedly been much higher than the job I eventually took, but I did find it odd how they wouldn't give me a hard number until I had met with the president (which should've been more of a formality than anything else). While I would've loved being a tax consultant, I'm happy with the choice I made instead. I'm back in software development but I'm okay with that, considering I'm still not as social of a guy as I feel I should be. It's a safe job with a slightly better income than my previous one, and I am happy that I'm finally in a large company that I can be somewhat proud of to put on my resume. And at least, I'm working with technology that isn't obscure or already obsolete for once.

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? Though in a sense, it was. I had to suffer through two horrible interviews in a row that first destroyed any self-esteem I had left in my personality and then later any confidence I had left in my technical skills. I also still love how that third company just had to salt the wound too a few days later, hiring me and then firing me not once but twice. I am lucky though that I finally was able to find two jobs that I would've been happy to take. I just wish that the tax consulting offer had arrived at the same time as the software development position, that's all. I plan to stick with my decision and my new company for quite a while now. It's time that I finally made a real commitment.

I've had a hell of a lot of interviews since I left my job in April, more than I care to count. I've had so many disappointments, so many embarrassments, but also quite a few memories.

I guess that's what life is for, right? As I get older, what else is there that lasts forever but memories?

Y2kk Update: I know it's a cliche, but life can be so fragile. One moment, a person can be there with you, and the next they're simply gone.

My only remaining grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago. He's been in a wheelchair for the past ten years, unable to speak because we didn't react fast enough when he had a stroke, but it still felt so sudden and so unexpected. One moment I was talking to him, and the next we received a phone call that he had just passed away.

It was already a hard week for us when it happened. My grandmother had fallen ill due to dehydration in the nursing home, because sometimes she forgets to drink due to her condition of Alzheimer's. Eventually, she fell and hit her head on the ground in one of the hallways, and she was rushed to the emergency room. I forget what I was doing the day that it happened (I was probably filling out the forms for the programming job I had just earned a contract for, but that's a story for another day), but I instantly dropped everything that I had and went with my mom to the hospital. My grandmother was really weak but she was still coherent and she thankfully still remembered who I was. It's the little things in life that I treasure and always remember, and I'm always grateful for the days that my grandmother remembers my smile. She raised me when I was just a small boy, and I owe her everything that I have.

We didn't leave the hospital that night until it was well past midnight. It took forever to get the X-rays and bloodwork back to make sure my grandmother was alright, but eventually it was determined that a couple of days with the IV should help her get back on her feet. I spent the new few days visiting my grandmother at the hospital. She speaks only Cantonese while I ineptly can only speak English, but I understand enough of her accent to at least gesture in response. I always communicate by just holding her hand and letting her know that I'm there and that I care about her. Ten years ago, I was never the kind of guy who would hold hands or give people hugs, but I guess the stroke that my grandfather had changed all that. I realized how I wasn't close enough to him, and I felt guilty knowing that he could've died without ever truly realizing that his grandson cared about him. Since that point, even though my grandfather couldn't talk to me, I would always let him know I cared by holding and shaking his hand. I always do the same with my grandmother every time I'm with her.

It was a Friday afternoon when we last visited my grandmother in the hospital. She was thankfully being discharged and we were there to help prepare her to go back to the nursing home. I did my usual of holding her hand while I helped feed her the food of the day. I have no clue why the hospital provided her with chicken and spicy potatoes, so we brought our own food for her and helped her drink as much water as her health could handle. I was really overjoyed that she was leaving the hospital and I thought that the worst was finally over. It was especially a tough time on my mother, not only because her mother was in the hospital and looked so frail, but also because the anniversary of the death of her father was occurring within the next few days. After we helped my grandmother with lunch, we went to the cemetery where we paid our respects to my late grandfather. I still miss him and wish he was here.

We were close to the nursing home where my other grandfather was living (my father's father) and we decided to pay him a visit since it had been a month since we saw him last. We were originally planning to visit him later that weekend, maybe on Sunday, but since we were in the neighbourhood after visiting my grandmother in the hospital and visiting my grandpa at the cemetery, we decided it was best to visit my other grandfather now for convenience. This is where coincidence or fate or something played a part, because we definitely would not have went to see him that afternoon if my grandmother had not been in the hospital. My grandfather's birthday was coming up in just a couple of days, which is why we were waiting until Sunday to visit him with some congee and maybe an egg tart for dessert. We were still planning to surprise him with a birthday meal eventually, but my dad was feeling bad that we hadn't visited his father in quite some time, so that's why we went to my grandfather's place that day. If we hadn't, I don't know how my father would have felt after his dad passed away.

When we saw my grandfather, I remember thinking that he was in an uncharacteristically happy mood. He seemed extra excited to see me, especially when I went over to him and shook his hand like I always do. He was in the television room of the nursing home, watching golf or soccer, I forget which right now. We wheeled him back to his room, where my father cut his hair like he does every month. I'm always tasked with cleaning up the room with a wet cloth afterward, and while waiting to do so, I for some odd reason noted the radio playing in the background. There was just something off about the radio in his room that day but I couldn't place what. I just had a feeling or sense that something was different, that something was wrong, but I just shrugged it off and dismissed it as irrational concerns from previously being in the hospital. Eventually, my father finished cutting his father's hair, I cleaned my grandfather's head with a warm, wet towel like usual, and then we wheeled him back to the television room where he was always so adamant about sitting in his exact reserved spot. My grandfather couldn't speak in words, but he could always communicate through his eyes and his loud yells of concern when we didn't do something the way he wanted. He was certainly yelling a lot at us that day, but like I mentioned before, he seemed happier and more excited to see us than he has for a very long time.

After we moved him back to the TV room, I wished him a Happy Birthday and shook his hand again. He didn't seem to want to let go, but eventually I had to leave. I still remember the look in his eyes when he shook my hand for the very last time, he seemed joyful yet sad to see us go. Eventually, the handshake was broken up by a couple of nurses who came to take my grandfather away to the washroom for a cleaning before dinner time. As they were wheeling him away, I continued to wave my hand goodbye at him and wished him again a Happy Birthday. I told him in the best Cantonese I had to offer, "see you again soon!"

I'll never forget that moment. It was the last time I would see my grandfather alive.

I went to bed "early" that night at 1:30 am (which is early for me considering I normally went to bed at 3 am while unemployed). It was an hour and a half later when we received a phone call late at night. I just thought it was my grandmother calling since she was now back at the nursing home, because sometimes her Alzheimer's makes her panic and she calls late at night (with speed dial I programmed) to ask my mother where she is and where her family went. When nobody picked up the phone in my house and the answering machine activated, I noted that it wasn't my grandmother's voice over the phone but somebody else's. I got concerned immediately, and I started to worry that maybe my grandmother had to be sent back to the hospital or even worse (knock on wood). I care about my grandmother so dearly and it scares me now even more than before that one day she will be gone. I was terrified in that brief moment that something again had happened to her. It never once crossed my mind that it would be my grandfather that we had just seen who would be the one who passed away.

My mother had rushed to the phone after she heard the unfamiliar voice over the answering machine. Eventually, she came into my room and told me what had happened. My grandfather had just passed away and there was nothing that the nurses on duty could do to save him. My first reaction was, "what?!", and beyond that, I didn't know what to say. I was scared to tell my dad what had happened, but eventually we felt no choice but to wake up him. He's normally such a strong man, and it's not like he shed a tear or anything, but the look on his face when we told him what had happened was of pure devastation and complete shock. We had just visited my grandfather and he seemed as healthy as he has for months. More that that, he seemed happy and excited to see us. It was going to be his birthday in just a couple of days and then this all happened. I never expected him to pass away at all.

The rest of that morning is just a haze to me. It was a bunch of phone calls to everyone else in my family, and then even though I was only on about an hour of sleep, I drove my whole family to the nursing home where we met with our aunts and uncles and cousins. When I saw my grandfather's body, it seemed so lifeless, with the happiness that I had saw just a few hours earlier completely drained away from his cheeks. Just earlier in the day, he was there shaking my hand, and the next moment he was completely gone. I'm so fortunate that I was able to be there for my grandfather on his last day here on earth, and I know my father is grateful as well because I don't know if he ever could've forgiven himself if he hadn't seen his father before this all happened. My dad sat down next to me at one point and said with a forced smile that he was happy that I was the last grandchild to shake my grandfather's hand. Being there with my grandpa on his last day is a moment I will never forget. I just wish more of my family had a chance to say goodbye to our grandfather than just I.

We stayed with my grandfather until the doctor and the coroner arrived around 11 am. I was exhausted at the time, but I certainly never felt one bit of instinct to leave. After his body was taken away, I drove my parents back home where my father at least got to eat something and get a chance to rest for an hour. In the meantime, I took my mother to the walk-in-clinic since she was complaining about abdominal pains while experiencing a high fever earlier that morning. The doctor actually suggested it was an appendicitis, which of course I started to panic about. While I won't get into the details about it here, I spent most of the second half of the day with my mother at the hospital as she was waiting in line to have her bloodwork and ultrasound checked out. Turned out, it was just a strained muscle from working in the garden too long the night before, and her fever was simply from stress because of everything that had happened with her mother and my grandfather. Still, I must admit that I was so worried that day about so many things. My grandfather passing away shook me up more than I want to admit, my mother potentially having surgery for an appendicitis made me race her to the hospital out of concern, and I visited my grandmother again that night just in case.

My dad needed to go to the funeral home to talk about arrangements with my aunt and uncle, so even though I was still only on an hour of sleep, I drove him to meet his siblings where my grandfather had been taken, then I drove my mom to the hospital where I stayed with her in the waiting room for the majority of the rest of the day. Eventually, once the funeral arrangements were complete, my dad was dropped off at the hospital by my cousin where we just spent time together as a family until my mother's tests all came back negative and healthy. It was late at night by that point, but we still went to visit my grandmother to both check up on her and to make sure we spent time with our loved one. We eventually arrived back home maybe at 10 or 11 at night, I can't really remember at that point. I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep, but I still didn't want to fall asleep. I simply spent time with my father first in hopes that he would be able to get some rest, and eventually when he did fall asleep, I just spent some time with myself thinking about everything that happened that day.

The rest of the week was a mix of a lot of family discussions and gatherings. Sunday was filled with arguments actually, especially relating to the eulogy. I had tried to get my father and his brother and sister to speak at the funeral, especially since his younger brother wanted my dad to speak. In the end though, while my dad initially agreed, he eventually panicked and yelled at me for trying to push him into making his father's funeral into a "show". My dad has rarely ever insulted me like he did that day, but I understand why he was so sensitive and scared. In the end, I talked with my aunt and uncle and if my dad wouldn't be part of the eulogy, neither would they. It was then decided that I would be doing the eulogy or at least have full control over it, and I decided that it was best to get at least one grandchild in every family to be represented as part of the speech. Over the course of the week, I took some criticism for the decisions that I made for the eulogy, and I suppose I do regret some of them. My brother derided me for making the eulogy so structured, but I was simply trying to follow my uncle's wish to have a eulogy all prepared by Thursday and he certainly didn't want any last minute changes. My younger cousin seemed to challenge my authority since he's not used to me giving so many suggestions or even orders, but in the end he did a great job on his part of the eulogy and I think he was thankful I pushed him into representing his father when it was all said and done. And my sister is another story, where she called at the last minute and basically begged me to say her part at the eulogy since she was still in Singapore. I was afraid of not only upsetting my uncle with this change but also I was scared of butchering my sister's part by making a mistake at the funeral. In the end though, since it seemed so important to her, I said her part of the eulogy she had written in her name at the funeral. I just really wished she had come home to say it herself, that's all. We all would've liked that.

I remember meeting my cousins on Tuesday to decide on flower arrangements for the funeral, and also a cousin gathering on Wednesday for dinner to just spend time together and to discuss the eulogy on a whole. We were all hurting over what had happened with our grandfather, especially since two of my cousins had essentially been raised by him yet didn't see him for weeks or even more than a month before he passed away. I guess I was the lucky one, for getting to spend time with our grandpa on his last day before he passed away, although I'm probably one of the cousins who deserved to do so the least. Sure, I always shook his hand, but what made writing the eulogy so difficult for me was that I honestly didn't have any other fond memories of my grandfather besides that. My cousins could talk about how they raised rabbits with our grandfather or how he taught them how to cook fried-baloney sandwiches. In the end, I added a part about my grandpa's pear tree into my eulogy, but I only really remember eating those pears and not of spending time with my grandfather to pick them from the tree. I wish I could remember though, but I just can't. For ten years, I've felt so guilty that I wasn't close enough to my grandfather before his stroke, that I didn't realize something was wrong when he didn't pick up his phone for two days. It was my cousin who went to save our grandpa, and I've always been thankful that he did since then. I've done my best to make it up to my grandfather since his stroke, but I still feel it was too little, too late. I'm grateful that I was the last grandchild to be able to be there with my grandfather, to wish him one last Happy Birthday, but I was the one least deserving to do so. I wish my cousins had the privilege I had, they're the ones who were so close to grandpa.

I did my best throughout the week to be there for my father. He did his best to act normal, but I knew him well enough to know there was a subtle bit of sadness to everything he did throughout the day. The funeral took place on the Saturday following my grandfather's passing, and it was a difficult moment to see my grandfather again at the visitation with the open casket. In Chinese tradition, we always bow three times out of respect when we arrive to greet our deceased ancestor, and afterwards we all said our last goodbyes. I was so nervous for the eulogy throughout the whole funeral procession, which I feel a bit guilty for because I wish I could've concentrated on my thoughts for grandpa instead of just worrying if I was going to embarrass the family with my words. When it came time for us cousins to speak the eulogy though, I think everything went fine. My voice was crackling from both nervousness and emotion at times, but I had memorized my speech well enough that I think it came off clear and hopefully very genuine. My cousins did a great job as well, and I especially need to give extra credit to my cousin who spoke his part in full formal Cantonese. It was a huge sign of respect to my grandfather and to the families in the audience, because my cousin only knew informal Cantonese and needed to rehearse his speech with his parents for days to get the formal dialect right. Finally, it was one other cousin of ours who said the final goodbyes. She was terrified of doing so because she rarely ever speaks in public and she was perhaps the closest out of all of us to grandpa. She started crying during her final goodbyes and we were all there with her to support her. I think everyone did a great job and I honestly believe our grandfather and our parents were proud of us. I was proud of all my cousins too.

The funeral line was a very long drive, where we had to travel all the way from one city (Mississauga) along a single street (Eglinton) to the eastern side of Toronto (Scarborough). Eglinton Ave alone is a daunting task to cross over that distance, considering the traffic gets extensively heavy around a certain few key intersections. It certainly didn't help matters that we soon found out Eglinton in a couple of spots had also been closed down for a weekend festival, so we had to detour around some side streets which may have caused us to lose some cars in the funeral line. We eventually did make it to the cemetery where my great-grand-father and my father's mother are buried. The weather reports had expected heavy rain that day, but it didn't start even drizzling until well after the burial had completed. It was almost like a small miracle really, or just another strange coincidence of timing just like how we visited my grandfather on his last day he was here on earth. We later visited the burial site again after the lunch reception, with all the flowers laid on top of the buried casket. I felt a small sense of closure myself, but I'm not sure if my father did. Ever since the funeral, he's still been more quiet than he has been for quite some time. I know he misses his father very much.

It was a long week, that's for sure. A week before everything happened, my life was filled with materialistic thoughts such as a choice between two job offers and having to replace my busted laptop with a new netbook in a month where I spent way too much money. I had a great time a few weeks earlier when my best friend had visited from Charlotte, and I thought life was starting to look up for me again now that I could finally decide for myself a proper career. That's when my grandmother fell ill and was admitted to the hospital, and while of course I wish that had not happened, we probably would not have visited my grandfather before he passed away if we were not in his area that day. It's strange and funny sometimes how things seem to be connected in ways that we cannot explain. And ever since the funeral, even if I did get a sense of closure, those last moments I saw my grandfather alive when he was smiling at me as I shook his hand and waved goodbye, continue to replay over and over again in my mind. I will always remember telling him before I left, "see you again soon".

I honestly never once thought at that moment it would be the last time I would ever get to see my grandfather alive. I'm happy I got to be there for him though. I miss him, but we knew his time was coming. Even still, it all felt so sudden. One moment, he was there with me smiling. The next, he was gone.

He was my grandfather and he'll always live on within me. I'm thankful he was part of my life, and I wish he was still here.

It was his birthday. As I write this, I remember him and miss him even more.

Y2kk Update: Wow, things have been slow for me. I had a period after I left my job where I felt completely swamped, with final exams and job interviews practically every single day. After all those dried up though, what did I have left? I still do have my three courses left at university this summer, but I actually feel bored for the first time in ages.

Unfortunately, I've decided that getting a CA designation is simply not for me. Maybe I'll change my mind if I get an auditing job this fall, but my job hunt for any decent accounting position has certainly fallen on deaf ears. I know it's the slow season for taxes and I probably shouldn't even expect accounting interviews until the Big Four or Five start their rounds a few months from now, but I guess the question becomes, do I even want to bother becoming a CA anymore? The thing is, I originally thought that I could be an IT Auditor while earning a CA designation, which would've been the best of both worlds. I would get to use both my Accounting Certificate and Computer Engineering Degree in order to make a lot of money auditing IT services at banks or whatnot, while grabbing the hours I would need to become a CA and earn that coveted designation for life. However, now that I know that for some bloody hell reason, IT Auditing does not count towards CA-required hours, what use do I have for the designation? If I really have to put up with horrible wages and working overtime (until sometimes midnight) every single night (and on weekends) in an auditing field that I completely do not care about to earn the CA, then why should I bother? If I go for the lesser CMA designation instead, I can continue working in the computer industry while making a lot more money than I would as a CA-student auditor, and it's not like the CMA designation is much worse. A CMA still requires all the education I learned from York University Accounting, but I admit, it's not as glamourous or as respected as a CA. So really, what should I do?

I guess I don't have to make my decision just quite yet though, it sort of depends on the job that I'll eventually get. If I manage to secure a CA-auditor job this fall from one of the big accounting firms, I guess I'll go forth with my initial plans to become a CA. It'll ruin my life thanks to 12-hour workdays and a complete loss of weekends, but I've always wanted a designation as respected as a CA is. If I don't get a CA-auditor job though, I'll push forward on the CMA route instead and never look back. I will be making much more money in the short run (and probably the long run as well, unless I start my own CA accounting firm) and I'll be able to maintain my sanity in a normal management or software development job. Hell, the CMA group even claims that they can help me find an applicable job, although it'll cost me a bunch of money to do so. It might be worth it though, considering I have nothing now.

In order to finish the CMA, I will need to take three more York University courses this fall. I should've done them this summer, but by the time I realized that I wouldn't be able to find a new job, it was too late to enroll. I'm currently taking three courses that are more CA-related than anything else, though I guess my two tax courses are required by both the CA and CMA entry exams. It's not like I'm finding these courses easy, it's maybe a good thing that I don't have a full time job right now since I'm barely passing my midterms as is. I've basically gotten class average in two of my summer courses so far, and I have no clue yet how I fared on the midterm for the third. Still, considering I don't have any group projects or constant quizzes or anything else that would keep me busy week after week, I've been pretty damn bored this past month. There's only so much studying you can do before you go stir crazy.

I never really talked about my winter term at York University, even though it was probably the term I'm most proud of in the two years I've been at the school so far. I had a lot of presentations to deal, namely one for my IT Auditing class and one for my Advanced Auditing course. The IT Auditing one actually went pretty well, I was happy with how I presented. Our topic was simple to discuss, namely Cloud Computing and its effect on future financial reporting, but what I was most proud of was my enthusiasm and the confidence I had in leading my group. As an IT guy, I was pretty knowledgeable in the subject and I liked how I took command when it came time to respond to questions. The only issue that came up during the presentation was when in the middle of one my rehearsed sections, the professor actually dropped the damn egg timer that he was using to make sure we didn't drone on too long. It went off with a loud ratchet when it hit the floor, startling me and making the whole class laugh at either my or his expense. It completely threw me off, and since I was in the middle of a technical piece that was rather quite rehearsed, I completely lost my place and couldn't help but try to laugh and shrug it off. Even though I lost some of the conviction in my voice, it was still a memorable moment that helped ease the class more into my discussion and I thought in the end it worked out pretty well. My presentation for my Advanced Auditing course didn't go nearly as well, especially since I think I rushed through my part which made it feel short compared to everyone else's sections in my group. Still, my final marks in both of my presentations turned out to be pretty decent and I was very relieved for that. Actually, all my marks from last term turned out surprisingly well, midterms and final exams and all.

What was most surprising to me was my success in my Comprehensive Accounting class. I was rather intimidated for that course, considering it was said to be an extremely difficult CA/UFE preparation class, and it also turned out that the professor was once one of the markers of the actual UFE exam. My first midterm definitely gave credence to the fears I had going into Comprehensive Accounting in the first place, as the professor made us write an audit report about business valuation when she never once explained to us how to properly valuate a business before in the class. I didn't do very well on that first midterm, but then something miraculous happened on the second. I forget why I barely studied for that thing, but probably because of some deadline at work, I went into that second midterm barely prepared and essentially just babbled on and on about random things on my audit paper. When I got my midterm back, I was absolutely shocked at what I saw. This professor who had actually marked the UFE exam Canada-wide in the past, had actually given me 100% on my paper? WTF? I know it wasn't marked nearly as meticulously as an actual UFE exam was, but considering how low the class average was, I couldn't believe how lucky I was. And my luck didn't end there, as my group did exceptionally well on our term project as well. I think I wrote maybe only 15-20% of the actual term paper, though I was part of all the initial meetings where we would decide what to write and who would write it. I didn't feel that I was the leader of the group, but I certainly was one of the leads in creating the overall outline and guideline we would follow. In the end, we scored the highest in the class on that term project with 98%, which I was absolutely floored at again in the end. I'm guessing I must've done rather well on the final exam as well, because I ended up with a final score of an A in the course. How the hell I managed that in such a tough CA-preparation class, I may never know. All I do know is that my end mark in Comprehensive Accounting and my success in my other two auditing courses during the winter term was what I'm most proud of in Accounting so far.

Of course, that's just the private bubble of school we're talking about. Out in the real world, finding a new job hasn't been all roses like I had hoped it would be. It's not to say that I haven't had my opportunities though. Like I mentioned above, I had plenty of interviews when I first started applying to jobs. After that initial flurry was over however, summer settled in and I've been left kind of helpless and frustrated here with nothing to do. I'm now going through that same phase I did a while ago the first time I was unemployed for a long period of time. I'm starting to feel useless, and I'm starting to get nervous that I may have forgotten again all my skills needed to succeed at a proper career. I don't think that my resume is weak or anything, but it is so discouraging that every single big company that I've sent my name to has simply shrugged their shoulders and ignored my pleas. I really had thought my Accounting education combined with my Software Development experience would land me a job in IT at a bank or internal controls or something like that, yet none of these firms seem to care that I actually have damn experience in the IT world. Instead, they seem to keep hiring experienced accounting people who probably know nothing about the real underlying technology behind the world's web services and servers, but as long as they put "IT Audit" on their resume, they're the ones who get the interviews and not I. It's damn frustrating.

To be fair though, it's not just job interviews that I've had, but also a few job offers. The first one was actually a small software development company and it wasn't like it was situated in a terrible location or anything. It was maybe a half hour or forty-five minute commute away from my home, and the people there were really nice. They brought me in for two interviews, the first being mainly a meet and greet with the development leads and also a written technical test where they challenged me with database, object oriented and even grammar questions. I apparently did exceptionally well on the exam (except for the databases part, but whatever) and I got contacted the very next day to return to their offices. I delayed that second interview though, mainly because I was being courted by other companies with better career opportunities at the same time. It was a week later when I met up with that company again and I shook hands with the VP and more members of the software development team. They started asking me many more behavioural questions this time around, such as how to handle angry customers when it comes to change requests, what my opinion on the NBA Finals was, and what are my favourite kinds of television shows and movies or whatnot. Basically, they were asking me the kinds of questions that I used to ask interviewees back when I was allowed to help in the hiring practices at my old job. It was all to see if I would fit in with the group, and apparently I passed with flying colours. They even gave me a job offer with the kind of salary that I wished my old company had offered me back in March.

The problem was, I didn't feel like I would fit in with the group at this company at all. The job itself seemed alright, it was about programming management software onto mobile devices (I'm guessing like the iPhone and Blackberry). The issue for me was not even about commute times, but rather about the work environment itself. There were no cubicles, and hell, there weren't really many desks either. The majority of developers were all situated around one giant, rectangular table without any walls separating them. From their questions in the two interviews, I could tell that bringing in people that thought and acted like the rest of the group was essential, and that's just not something that I want in a job. I want my privacy, I need my cubicle walls and my personal separation. Maybe I would've taken this job if I hadn't already learned from my previous one that I just can't stand the modern concept of hotelling stations and of small companies supposedly being a tightly knit group. At my last company, I actually had a good time there when it was just myself and two other developers at a client site, separated by cubicle walls but still always chatting and talking about corporate-safe, personal stuff whenever we had time to talk. I liked that, but as soon as I was shifted over to our own company's downtown office, things turned sour and fast. The same people that I had trusted for half a year at the client site were completely different once they were back in an environment where they could be themselves, so to speak. One of them started playing with his iPhone constantly and completely reverted to his university-persona as soon as he was back with his other friends in the company, and I guess I already told the story of what happened with my other close colleague in my previous Y2kk Update. I need a level of professionalism in my career, and I just couldn't stand the small-company, "friendly" mentality that my last company had. Call me anti-social if you will, but I want my privacy in my jobs, and I just felt that I would be repeating my own mistakes if I took the job offer from this small development company. I really thank them for having faith in me and for offering me a full time position with a very desirable salary. Unfortunately though, it would've been just another dead-end job for me in an environment that I knew I'd never be comfortable working in.

The second job offer that I received is actually still on the table. It seems that my Accounting education on my resume is attracting companies that work in manufacturing and other management accounting industries, and thus I got a phone interview with a UK-based firm that has its North American head office here in Canada. The phone interview itself was already pretty tough, as I was asked a bunch of technical questions that I barely knew the answers to. There were probably a couple that I didn't know, but I was honest in stating that I wasn't sure and then I tried my best to work through the questions still as best I could. That seemed to impress my interviewer enough that he brought me in for an interview, or actually, he pencilled me in for two. He mentioned there were two positions available, one for a C# developer and one for Java, and since he didn't know which I would be most suited for, he scheduled me for both. I agreed at the time assuming that each interview would be relatively short, but I really had no idea going in of what kind of gauntlet I would face. In total, I spent over two and a half hours being grilled by two entirely separate teams. Some questions even overlapped between the two groups, but for the most part, it was two and a half bloody hours of pure technical questions. I managed to impress the team leads of both groups by answering all their object oriented design questions quite well, and I even fared decently against their questions based on logic and mathematics. Of course, there's always some sort of hiccup when it comes to interviews, and that was with their right-hand men giving me technical questions about quality assurance testing and database development. I think I only got half of the QA questions correct, and it was kind of embarrassing how disgusted the person interviewing me was when I couldn't get the majority of his database ones right. When I was leaving that office, one of the team leads assured me that I would be hearing back from them for a third interview. He mentioned that he was quite "impressed" with how I handled myself, and since this office was a lot more corporate and a lot more private than the place I got my first job offer from, I was willing to wait for this UK company to give me a contract. It wasn't ideal, but at least it was a career choice that wouldn't result in a dead-end job. I would not only be making management programs, but they wanted to groom me as an architect for their accounting software as well. That honestly sounded quite appealing to me.

The UK firm brought me back in for a second interview a couple weeks later, but to my partial disappointment, it wasn't for the job I was being promised in either of my two gruelling interviews. I didn't get to meet with either of the team leads that drilled me with questions before, but rather an HR manager who admitted to me that I didn't get the development jobs I had applied for. I was a bit thrown off from that, so I asked why I had been brought in for another interview. It turned out, while I didn't get the software development jobs, I had been recommended to her by the team leads for a technical consulting job, where I would travel to client sites and implement the actual management accounting software on their server systems. That's actually not a bad job and I was quite excited to hear that, considering it would move me one step closer to the financial and accounting worlds by talking and meeting directly with business clients. The only downside though was the travel, as essentially the vast majority of the company's clients are all located in the United States. The HR Manager mentioned that as much as fifty to eighty percent of my time would be spent in the US, which is not something I'm terribly excited for. While I love the actual career of going to clients, gathering functional requirements for software and then sort of acting like a project manager in working with developers to implement the business solutions, I was hoping to be able to do all of this within driving distance of my home and not while being stuck in hotels for more than half of my life. It is a big commitment and the HR Manager knew that, which is why I wrote earlier that the offer is still technically on the table. She had heard I was still in school for accounting, and actually my interview with her consisted of talking about my Accounting education and knowledge such as the transition from GAAP to IFRS. She is a CA graduate herself so I guess she had a soft spot for me, especially since she recognized that I knew both the technical and business sides of much of the industry already. She gave me a verbal promise that a business analyst and consultant role would be available for me if I want it when my summer classes are over. Accepting this job wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, considering it would be decent pay (on par with my first job offer this summer) and it would allow me to actually combine both my accounting and computer backgrounds. It's just that, not only am I unsure if I want to work away from Canada for up to 80% of my time, but I'm also uneasy about how real this verbal promise is from the company. I can't really trust this offer because it's not in writing. It could be taken off the table by the time August rolls around.

With my first job offer declined and my second one only being verbal, that left all my hopes and dreams for a decent career to rest on the one option that promised me the most. Right by my home (only a ten minute drive away, actually) was an office that offers SR&ED tax consulting services. The thing that made this job the most desirable to me was the fact that its job description was very interesting by using both my accounting and my software development experience every single day that I'm on the job. A SR&ED tax consultant goes into firms, looks at their R&D technology and expenses, and then writes reports based on this research and development to get tax credits back from the government. It's a great job from an accounting point of view because I would get to use my tax knowledge to both earn commission on tax credits and to give overall tax consulting advice to companies, and it's a great opportunity from a technical point of view because I would be able to walk into firms and actually get to see their latest R&D toys and talk directly with their developers. Getting a job as a SR&ED tax consultant sounded like a win-win proposition for me, especially with the idea that I'd be mainly doing my work at client sites and rarely become stuck at a home office like I was during the final bleak months of my previous job. My interview with the SR&ED firm also went extremely well, as they basically just tested me on behavioural questions and seemed to act like I was a perfect fit for the company by the start of the second half of the hour that I was there. In fact, it all felt really easy to secure that job, a little too easy actually.

I guess I learned why that interview had been so simple and relaxed a month later. It took forever to finally get a job offer from them, it didn't arrive until after I had declined that first job offer and received the verbal one for the second, so of course I was extremely disappointed that I wasn't even offered any salary at all by this SR&ED consulting firm. They weren't hiring me to be a full time employee like I had hoped, but instead it was a pure commission job and the contract in my hands basically had me working for them for free for potentially months with nothing in return. I tried to negotiate with them and ask for a small salary (with benefits or not, it didn't really matter to me), and I was willing to sacrifice some commission to get that kind of security. I mean, I figured it had all been too easy how they were claiming I could make $100K to $150K within a couple of years or two with all the tax claims I would be writing and earning commission off of, but I guess it really was all too good to be true. There was absolutely no real provision in the contract they offered me that would guarantee that the tax claims I would write would still be mine even if the company fired me six months down the road, which means that I could be working my ass off for them for half a year and not have a single dime to show for it. Or actually, I would be in debt from this job since I'd be using all my own cash for my initial expenses such as gasoline, car mileage, meals and whatever else I needed to meet and greet with clients. I loved the idea of being a SR&ED tax consultant so a huge part of me wondered whether I should just take the job and risk the lack of pay, if only to be able to write about my experiences on my resume. Then I also realized that if I did get fired from this job, I would have no contacts or references to build up from, so I could end up with literally nothing if they conned me when all was said and done. I tried my best to negotiate with them but they didn't budge at all. The interview was indeed too easy because they just wanted me as a pawn working for them for free and nothing more. I should've seen it coming but I was just too afraid back then to mess up a good thing, I suppose.

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? And unexpectedly after those three job offers came in, I've had absolutely nothing to do, so it really hasn't been anything but goddam boring for me. A month ago, I was having phone interviews every day and in-person interviews two or three times a week. Lately though, I've just been sitting at home and feeling absolutely useless, especially after my sister returned back to Singapore and my brother has been a bit too busy around his house with his wife to allow me to pay them a visit. I am still applying to plenty of jobs but I'm hearing absolutely nothing back in return. I hope it's just a calm before the storm with the long July 1st weekend coming up, because I'd hate to think that I lost my window of opportunity by giving up two decent (though non-ideal) job offers. If I have nothing else on my plate in August, I'll definitely think long and hard about taking that UK company's offer and choose to work in the United States. I wouldn't be able to take my final three CMA courses at York University, but if I can manage to find online substitutes instead, maybe it's the right course of direction for my career in the end. I'll miss being at home, but I'm tired of having dead-end jobs that just lead to depression. I'll keep applying to SR&ED tax consulting and IT Auditing jobs because those are the careers I want most, but being a business analyst and consultant wouldn't be a bad career move at all.

Well, we'll see how it goes. I guess there's nothing else I can do right now but enjoy the warmth of the summer and prepare for the rest of my life in whatever career I choose.

This may be my last summer of boredom. I know I'll miss it when it's gone.

Y2kk Update: My last day at work was on April 8th. I've been unemployed since then, yet I haven't written a single download update. I never felt the urgency to, I guess.

It's not like I've been that busy since my job as a Technical Consultant ended. I had school to deal with, but that only consisted of three university courses when I used to be able to handle six at once. Granted, each of these three courses were advanced accounting ones, but I oddly enough actually learned a lot from attending lectures during the term so it wasn't like I needed to study my brains out or anything. In the end, I did pretty well during this past term. I ended off with two B scores and an A in my toughest class. I have no idea how I scored an A in Comprehensive Accounting, which is a preparation course for the UFE Chartered Accountant exam here in Canada. Even though I had no clue what I was doing, I not only passed my midterms but I scored 100% on the second one, and my group project went surprisingly well with a 98% mark in return as well. I certainly never saw that coming.

Ever since my spring term ended at York University, I haven't had much to do. I've been attending my final three courses for accounting this summer, and while my tax classes do require a lot of memorization and studying to even remotely get right, it's not like I haven't had a lot of spare days to sit down and finally write out my thoughts on this website. For the most part, I've just been busy with job interviews and spending time with family. To be honest, the past three or four weeks has been pretty hectic and somewhat stressful because I had way more interviews than I originally would've predicted, and unfortunately I'm still the type to get nervous before each and every single one of them. My interviews however will be an update for another day. Truth is though, I didn't have any meetings with companies or even recruiters during my first few weeks of unemployment, so why didn't I write back then?

Looking back at some of my old download updates, it used to be that I would rant and whine on this website of mine every single time something negative or disappointing happened in my life. To some extent, I guess I haven't changed. Yet even though I was actually rather depressed after leaving my job in April, I just couldn't find the urge to write. I didn't particularly care about that office and I couldn't stand the job itself. I had no qualms about leaving when upper management there didn't seem to respect or acknowledge my skills at all. What I was depressed about was the fact that I stupidly had begun believing that I had made some friends at that workplace. In the end, I guess I was just a bit too heartbroken to write about it.

When it comes to the reason why I left my job, it was a simple decision and one that I don't think I'll ever regret. I had worked for an entire year at a pathetic entry level salary, and I thought I had done good work. But despite all my efforts, and despite the fact that I think people at the office liked working with me for the most part, management never once tried to sit me down and talk to me about my future at the company. They never once tried to set me up for training to be a manager, and they never once even talked to me about even working more closely with clients. It's not like I didn't lay hints most days or directly tell them that I wanted more responsibility during the other times. I really thought they would start putting me back on more important projects and giving me the chance to earn some recognition and respect. Or at least, I honestly expected my close coworker who I had believed had become my friend would vouch for me and help me fight for a better position and a promotion to become something more valuable to the company than just a disposable entry level programmer.

The first stab in my back came when the new project finally arrived. On one hand, I guess I was happy that they selected me for the project, and I will give credit to my friend at the company for telling them that I would work hard at the job. On the other hand, what pissed me off more than I'd like to admit, was that they completely froze me out of all the business requirement meetings and everything else that was important in developing a relationship with the new clients. I understand that I would've met them all later, but I would've looked like a chump, noname programmer on the team as a result. The fact that my close coworker didn't even tell me about the meetings she was having (as team lead on the project) with the client was telling enough, I thought. My friend liked having me as a subservient coworker. She wasn't happy with me possibly becoming an equal or threatening her position. I would've at least been happy if I was invited to the meetings as a silent member to listen to and analyze the business requirements in terms of development implementation, but I wasn't even granted that level of respect. Opening my eyes, it became obvious that everything I had done at the company for the past year was replaceable. I just wasn't seen as very important at all.

That's when I decided to have fun with the company. I mean, I was finishing up my Accounting Certificate, I had a bloody hell engineering degree, and I had now worked four years in the software development industry. This company basically had me working full time for them for practically free and it was due time for me to earn some respect and money. My second, six-month contract was ending in April, so I decided before my negotiations with management back in March that I was pretty much just going to leave the company unless they offered me good money and a proper promotion. I was sick and tired of just being seen as a junior developer, especially after I thought I proved how valuable I could be as a communicator and liaison to clients at the companies I was working at. I know the firm I was working for was small and arguably was in a tough place because all the team lead positions had already been filled, but at least they could give me some encouragement to grow in my career over the next few years. They had said nothing for months and I was tired of waiting.

When negotiations finally started in March, their first offer was pathetic to me and it cemented my resolve to leave. I had been making a lowly sum on contract and I had repeatedly told them that I'm looking for a lot more, and yet their first offer to me was over $10K less money (though full-time). I know benefits do cost them a bunch of money and I would finally get paid for holidays and vacations, but seriously, that's what they considered a decent offer? I almost laughed and I think I did roll my eyes when my manager presented that number to me. I wasn't even really pissed about it because I was happy they were giving me even more incentive to leave my dead-end job at the company, though when it came to talking with my friend at the firm, I pretended like I was pissed off as hell and that I originally was hoping to work with her on the upcoming project. Later that night, I decided to be a bit more honest and I texted her that I was planning on leaving. That afternoon and also later that evening, she had given me some sound advice and she genuinely seemed like she would miss me. That was pretty much the last time I felt she was ever really being friendly and honest with me. I had hoped she was just angry with me afterward, but maybe she never cared at all.

A few days later, my company decided to give me a second offer. It was a much better offer ($5K more than the first), but it was still less than what I would've settled for and I had pretty much already decided long ago (with even more determination after the first offer) that I was leaving the company at any cost. During the second offer, my manager started to move a bit upwards with numbers, eventually offering me $8K and finally $10K more than their first offer. I admit, the latter salary may have had been an acceptable starting point if they had offered that to me first. I wouldn't have been so insulted, and maybe I would've thought twice about leaving the company. Objectively though, while it was a fair offer for an entry level programmer, it still wasn't acceptable after a year of proving myself at the firm. I knew what final number I wanted in my head, and my company never came close to matching even after I told them my demands. In truth, I never wanted them to offer what I was looking for, because I just would've been miserable working as a lackey for years at the company. Their eternal cheapness gave me all the courage I needed to walk out of that door. I was hoping to keep a few friends from the firm in the process at least, but that just didn't turn out to be the case.

That was their second offer. Their final offer was the one that I admit, I was definitely a bit tempted for. Instead of just my direct manager talking to me about salaries, finally one of the upper managers of the company chose to meet with me for the third and final offer, and at least I appreciated that I was finally getting a little bit of respect. His final offer to me was on contract and not a full-time position, but it was definitely an amount of money that I was willing to stay temporarily at the company for. It would've only been for six months (or maybe a year if the project went on longer than advertised), but he was willing to offer me $20K more than what I was currently making. That wasn't bad, but since I had run through the contract vs full-time numbers on a calculator earlier that week, I countered with my own offer. I felt a lump in my throat when I said this (which almost made me laugh at the time, in retrospect), but I replied back that I wanted a minimum of $30K more a year to stay. The manager was definitely taken back at first by my comment, but to my surprise, he actually said it was still doable and that he would look into it for me. In the end though, he returned a few days later and said the owner of the company denied the request. It was a nice little glimmer of hope from the firm, though I'm guessing it was all just a ruse to keep me working in a relatively positive tone for a few hours longer. That was the end of negotiations. I had only two weeks left to go.

This is where things started to go even more sour and I really started to become bitter. It was nice at least that my coworkers were willing to come out with me for my going away lunches, I give them credit and appreciation for that at least. The thought was there, but the execution and maturity certainly was not. I honestly can't believe how pathetically childish a lot of my similar-aged peers acted at this company. I know that management somewhat encourages it, as they know they can get away with paying dirt cheap wages to most employees by giving them leeway with really flexible hours and letting them play with iPhone and iPad games all day long in front of everyone else without repercussion. That sort of environment is fun at first, and eventually irritatingly unprofessional after a while. It just felt like I was living in a world where everyone was still in school, like I was still in my computer classes at university and everyone was forced to work together on one big group project. I felt like I was working with kids at times, and my last lunch out with them certainly reinforced that idea.

I had picked a Thai restaurant as the venue because of a recommendation from a couple of other employees. Unfortunately, maybe it was just the food that day, but it wasn't good at all and basically everyone complained to me. I guess that's fine, I made a mistake and I deserved to hear about it from the others. What was really insulting though was that two of my coworkers didn't even touch their plates, they just sat there playing with their iPhones and looking like little brats who hated the food that their parents had brought them. I can understand if they were disappointed in the restaurant, but did they really need to just sulk amongst themselves? They didn't even bother to talk to me, to ask me why I was leaving or what my plans were for my career. They just seemed so angry at me for picking a wrong place to eat that they ignored me all lunch long. To make matters even worse, when it came to paying the bill, I expected those two guys to at least fork over a couple of dollars each. I mean, my lunch was only twelve fucking bucks after tax and tip, and yet neither of them put in any money at all. And since a third coworker said he didn't have cash at the time to spare and nobody seemed to volunteer on his behalf, I felt I had no choice but to take out my own wallet and pay for half of my bloody hell lunch myself. Wow, that was embarrassing. I even held out my wallet and slowly took the cash out, hoping somebody would care or notice, but nobody did. Even my close coworker who I thought was my friend simply spent the second half of the lunch complaining to me how bad the food was. Sure, she paid her two dollars of the meal, but even she just seemed angry with me for most of the day. Almost everyone at that table ignored me. I felt like I was alone on an island there, as everyone talked around me but nobody asked me a damn thing about how I was even feeling. Pathetic, utterly pathetic. I expected so much more respect and maturity from everyone there and I got nothing.

There was a second group of coworkers who treated me nicely. I was never really close to them, but I hung around them enough that at least they treated me to a good lunch and a decent cup of coffee on my last day of work. On my final day, I tried to go on coffee runs with as many coworkers as I could just to stay goodbye to them. Hell, I even paid for the coffee of some of my employees because I didn't really care if they purchased me anything. All I wanted was for them to offer to pay, and then I would be happy and content. Of course, apparently that was too much for those whiny assholes from my goodbye lunch the previous week. When it was time to head to Tim Hortons with the pricks who didn't pay for me (and some other guys who did chip in that day), I went up to the cashier to order just a frickin' one dollar cup of green tea, and nobody fucking there even bothered to offer to pay. I waited for ten seconds or something, and still nobody gave a fucking shit. So I just waved off the cashier and chose to sit down with everyone else without a goddam coffee or tea in my hand. Eventually, one of my coworkers noticed and asked why I wasn't drinking anything. I gave a fake excuse, that I had already gone to coffee twice so I didn't need anything else. Everyone insisted that I get something, so I said 'sure, why not?' I got up from the table, I returned back to the cashier to order my green tea, I then looked back at the table with my coworkers, and yet nobody, fucking nobody, had gotten up to offer to pay for my one dollar drink. Disgusting, absolutely fucking disgusting. I was working with a bunch of selfish, fucking kids.

Was I really asking for too much? I know I sound selfish with my own sense of entitlement, but I was only asking for an one dollar gesture of faith on my last day of fucking work after spending an entire year with these people. I couldn't tell whether they were simply too selfish themselves to offer to pay or if they never fucking liked me in the first place. To be honest, I don't know which of those two options I would prefer to be the truth. It kind of hurts to think that the people I spent a whole year with never really cared about me. I hate that feeling.

As for my close coworker who I had hoped had become a friend, she used to talk to me all the time before I told her I would be leaving the company. Afterward, she started ignoring me. Every morning when I would say hello, she would seemingly roll her eyes and then cut me off with a quick goodbye or a comment that she was too busy. This went on for the last two weeks that I was at the company, although she was already starting to act this way towards me even before my negotiations with management had started. I began to wonder if maybe something was wrong on a personal level for her? Maybe she was having issues with family, or maybe she was upset about her husband being so far apart? I gave her the benefit of the doubt for weeks, and yet when it came to my last days at the company, she was still cold to me like a goddam woman scorned. I admit though, there was one day she was nice and we talked at least a bit after I invited her out to walk around the nearby mall. That afternoon gave me hope that maybe she wasn't really upset at me, that perhaps she just had some personal issues to deal with that and everything about me leaving was nothing more than bad, coincidental timing. That hope of mine didn't last very long, unfortunately.

The last day I was at work, besides being screwed over by that punk ass group who wouldn't even pay for my one dollar cup of tea, I went to lunch (at my request) with my close coworker and another peer at the company. I opened up the lunch with an offer that I wanted to pay as a thank you to them for always being there for me. I was actually serious in my request, because I was happy enough at the time that they had come out with the notion of offering me a goodbye lunch in the first place. In the end, they insisted on paying for the meal and I was grateful for that. My close coworker tried not to talk to me throughout the lunch, I could see that she was ignoring most of the comments I was making, but in the end she did start warming up and speaking with me again. At that moment, I started to enjoy spending time with my coworkers again and I was thinking that hopefully I would be able to keep my close coworker as a friend through e-mail and texts from time to time. Eventually though, when we were walking back to the office, that's when she accidentally blurted out the truth about why she had been acting cold towards me for the past month. In her own words, it's because I "remember everything", and that she "doesn't trust" me with what she says.

Really, that's why she didn't want to tell me anything for the past four or five goddam weeks? Because I would try to be thoughtful later on and ask her about it a few days later? Seriously, I know I have my social issues sometimes and I know I can be goddam clingy, but unless I'm reading her comment wrong, she couldn't stand how I would actually listen to what she was saying and ask her about it a few days later to make sure things are fine? Seriously, that's all I can remember doing "wrong", because I would never tell any of her secrets that she trusted to me with anyone else (and to my knowledge, I never have). I guess when it comes from a good looking guy or some shit like that, being thoughtful and courteous is considered an asset, when for a lowly guy like me, trying to genuinely care about how someone is feeling is goddam creepy and clingy at best. I've already been told this before, both directly to my face and indirectly behind my back, that (in a nice tone) I need to give people more space, and that (in a not very nice tone) I need to back off because I don't know when to shut up. I understand it's all a fault with me, but goddammit, I guess it really hurt that the main reason why she was ignoring me was the same reason I had burned so many other close friendships and potential relationships in the past. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong or malicious, I genuinely cared how her family was doing and if she was alright. The only friendships that I maintain are the ones where the other person appreciates that I genuinely do care about their feelings. But apparently, I was wrong about my close coworker.

I could tell that she immediately realized she had made a mistake in telling the truth of why she was avoiding me. And in all honesty, if I had left on my final day assuming that she was only silent towards me because of personal issues or that she was deep down inside upset that I was leaving, I wouldn't have been so hurt and I probably would've messaged her a week or two later hoping to stay as friends. But in the end though, without being able to talk to her in person to work through the animosity, I just didn't give a damn about keeping her as a friend anymore. As far as I'm concerned, she didn't actually like who I really am. Weeks went by and I heard nothing from her, so I didn't bother to write her back anything at all. I had previously admitted to her how sensitive I am around my birthday, and you two readers out there know that if there's any one damn day where I want people to care about me like I try to care about them, it's my goddam birthday. I trusted her enough that she was the only person at the company who knew my birthday, but I heard nothing from her when April 20th came and left. For the first time in my entire life, it wasn't a family member or a girl I had a crush on that I was hoping would contact me on my birthday. It was just a goddam former coworker who I was still hoping would prove to be my goddam friend. How pathetic is that? And when I heard nothing from her, I just gave up waiting. Turns out she was just a coworker afterall.

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? And the truth is, I really was hurt by her. Otherwise, I would've written about everything that happened long before now.

I spent a whole year with her. She used to trust me with how she was feeling and I really appreciated and valued that. Yet now, I haven't heard from her since I became unemployed.

What a waste of a year that was. I'm happy to move on.