Y2kk Update: I can't say that I have the will to write right now, considering I'm supposed to be using this time to actually write a bunch of cover letters to co-op places that I know I ain't even going to get interviews from... but alas, I still feel like I owe this webpage of mine something. I simply can't let this msn site of mine just drift into dust like the sands of Persian time, not after all the heart and stroke and foundations or crap or whatever that I put into all the supposedly honest bullshit that I've written on this website... and the truth of the matter is, I still feel like I owe you two readers out there the update that I was supposed to write almost six months ago... albeit, the update below may not be the full frontal, Paris Hiltonesque feature that I was hoping to end the summer season with, though at least, it's gotta be worth something... it's gotta be worth something... something's just gotta give...

My second year of university was in many ways my worst, not just marks wise, but reality wise as well... and it sure didn't start well if you ask me... In case nobody ever read my updates a long time ago, I sort of completely forgot about my mother's birthday last year. Now, don't worry - since then, I've reminded myself with writings all over my wallet not to goddam forget her birthday this year... and truth be told, I think she was getting annoyed this time around at how many times I was reminding her that the big day was coming up (she's definitely starting to fear her own age... and that scares me, quite frankly...)... But I'll never forget how many goddam streams of tears were choking her cheeks that afternoon that we went out to lunch, without knowing why we were going out to lunch... It must've been a horrible time for my mother. My brother had just left for university, and my mom just couldn't numb the pain from realizing that my brother had lied to her for the past two years or so about not smoking, let alone being a chain smoker... that's something she still reminds me of constantly to this day, since I was the one who always told her to have faith in my brother... to trust my brother - nice advice that was... and since I forgot all about her birthday that fateful day?... I can't say that I've retained my mother's trust either, I suppose, although it's my brother and sister that takes most of the Affleck flack, not me... not that they deserve it any more than me...

In the end, my first term of second year engineering ended up being much better than I thought I fared. I somehow rose about 10% in each and every single one of my courses after exams, if only thanks to quite opportune saving by the bell curve... but there's no denying that I personally thought I was getting my ass cooked in hell's own frying pan when it came to mid-terms in first term. Now, I can't remember whether it was specifically about my failed Calculus test at the time, or the fact that I goddam royally embarrassed myself by somehow failing my programming mid-term, but I do remember one thing... If anything, the 2002-2003 school year was definitely one where I got a hell of a lot of goddam sports injuries, without ever playing a single goddam sport... I remember somehow bruising up my knee playing ping pong, forcing me to hobble for practically half the term. In second term, I somehow pulled my abdomen by just sitting on a chair, leaving me in grueling pain until the first term of third year of engineering finally started... and oh, how can I possibly forget the fact that thanks to me being so goddam depressed from either failing my Calculus test, failing my programming mid-term miserably, or simply from both... how can I possibly ever let myself forget the oh so joyous and pious time, when I slipped down the stairs at Union Station, was only saved from the fact that I rammed my pathetically painful ass right smack into the legs of the group behind me, and then ran off to cower in the corners, with my body aching just as much as my pride... oh, what a wonderful day that was! And to top it all off, I was left almost crying that same week or some crap like that, because I was so damn ashamed of my programming mark that I refused to tell my parents what I got, even after they asked my face directly... I worked hard at programming after that fiasco, and luckily, it paid off when I rose about 10% after the final exam. But I still will never forget the pain I endured that awful week when nothing seemed to go right for me. I not only believed I was going to flunk out of university... I truly believed that I didn't have the intelligence, fortitude, or heart, to even make it through the term... and I'm still not sure whether I deserve to be where I am...

Earlier this term, a half friend, half nemesis asked me, "You don't know anything... so how the hell are you still here?"...

... I ask myself the same damn question almost every single goddam day...

I'm thankful that I was at least given the opportunity to prove to myself that perhaps I do belong in the university I'm at, considering I somehow did so well during the first term final exams (mark wise at least... I personally thought I failed some of those exams before my marks came in...)... but the fact of the matter is, I'm still reeling from the pain and shock and awful awe I felt, when I first checked my second term marks on the internet, and saw a goddam, fucking 47% next to my Electricity and Magnetism course... and I still remember actually feeling my heart sink to the depths of the pits of my gut, as I really did believe then and there that despite all my best efforts, despite all my hard work, I really did fail university... I really did fail second year of engineering... and truth be told, in the end, I learned that thanks to my miracle of a 86% on the Digital Systems exam, I managed to pass the term anyhew, although I'm now gearing my ass back up to take that goddam Electricity and Magnetism yet again next term in 2004... but still... even though I still have a chance at a fairy tale ending if only I had the brains and skills, the truth of the matter is, I don't trust myself anymore. I almost fucking failed second year of engineering. And it's fucking embarrassing for me to watch as some of my friends, friends that I had higher marks than in first year, now getting 80s and sometimes even 90s on tests in second and third year that I can't goddam even muster a goddam 60% on... I've never had a problem with feeling stagnant in my life. But while everyone around me feels like they're progressing, as if they're growing, I feel like I'm actually regressing over here, and it's shot my goddam confidence down to levels that even I didn't think was possible... I already had an inferiority complex about my superioriy complex, and now I'm getting the vice versa as well... and it's certainly not helping that after my failure of that course, my parents have almost been begging me on a weekly basis to just transfer out of engineering while I still can and go to something that's supposedly simpler, like computer science or even the arts and sciences... I refuse to call it quits though. I don't know if I'll make it to graduation, but I'll be damned if I throw in the towel before the fat lady sings... unfortunately for me though, I keep seeing fat ladies singing on the Chinese channel here at home... and considering my love life? It won't be long until I start jerking off and tossing into the gutters a white towel or some crap like that, if only out of frustration that I'm still swinging single...

Because ay, there lies the rub... as painful as all my academic failures may have been, nothing haunts me more to this day than the mere thought of the girl I talked so damn much about over the past few years or so... I can't remember which agonizing memory came before the other, but I do remember which of the two were somehow more painful... I must've written a hell of a lot about the time that I got a fucking 9% on my Electronics mid-term or something, and got no damn sympathy whatsoever from the goddam girl I always talk about. I mean, doesn't she realize that she's fucking killing me with her callousness?... I admit, I'm quite the melodramatic guy. I need attention, and I need sympathy. But she my friends, is a bitch of a brute... She refuses to feel pain herself, because she believes for some half ass reason that hiding from your pain is better than facing it, or ever goddam discussing it with disgust... and because of this, I just couldn't do anything else on that goddam night ride home on the train with her, than just goddam blankly stare at the cold, unforgiving floor... because at least, the goddam sleet on the ground felt more open and honest than she ever has... I mean, I was literally in complete embarrassment and despair, in terrible fear that I just might fail a course and therefore fail university. But what did she do to comfort me? Absolutely nothing. She just waved her hands, as if everything would fix itself like magic, and starting talking about fucking television shows she doesn't even goddam care about or watch... She's never cared for me. She's never been willing to even pretend to care for me. It may not be entirely correct to claim she's only looking out for herself, but I can definitely claim that she sure as hell ain't looking out for me... I was trying to be honest with her that day. I was hoping she would be honest as well... but because she didn't want to feel bad herself about how she did (not to mention the fact that in the end, she did pretty damn well on that mid-term), she just ignored me... she practically pretended like my comatose ass wasn't even there...

And if that actually was her sense of honesty?... then I truly have no hope, I guess...

That memory still grips and gripes and groans my groin, and gnashes my teeth to this very day... but one memory, while less painful, still haunts me even more, if only because it truly defined the fork in the road, the one and only chance I had of ever having something meaningful with her... I was getting real close to her at the time. Valentine's Day was coming up, and I wasn't going to ask her out or anything, especially after she mentioned that she already had her eye on some other guy... but I was going to get her a card. I was going to get her a gift, if only in hope of things to come... and hell, a huge part of me was begging my ass to just ask her out to coffee. I even had this sappy line of asking her out to Copywell first, but, umm, I guess you had to be there to get it... But something happened just weeks or mere days before all my planning was about to go into effect. You see, I met one of my brother's old lady friends from high school on the train, and while I was talking to her, I noticed that the girl I always talk about, had grown so damn silent in the opposite corner of the cart. And hell's bells, she even seemed a little sad, actually... maybe I should've asked her about it sweetly and softly and if possible, seductively, because now that I think of it, maybe she was feeling a bit hurt and left out of the loop, even without knowing it?... although that's probably only false hope speaking there... but just like I always end up doing, I pulled a lame joke out of my ass and marveled at how jealous she seemed... I meant it as an innocent joke, and it floored me like hell when she finally revealed to me that she had sworn to herself later that day, that she would never, ever talk to me again... And she only admitted this after I had apologized and goddam groveled to her sorry ass for almost more than an entire goddam week... And after a long talk when I realized what the hell that I did wrong, and after I had completely forgiven her for taking my comment out of context (since I assumed she had forgiven me for making a lame ass joke), the thing was... she never acted the same around me after that... no matter how hard I tried to make it up to her, by just being kind to her, by just being there for her, by just being a friend... the fact of the matter is, she drew farther and farther away from me as the weeks and months went by, even though I swear I never made a stupid ass joke to her again... eventually, I confronted her on a train ride home about all this, and I could see she was visibly upset at the fact that I was even there, just talking to her, just being around her... it sickened her... she obviously hadn't forgiven me for what I had done, and thanks to her goddam, female paradoxical ways, just being around her was goddam making the situation worse... and I knew that leaving her alone would accomplish the same damn pain, and make the problem grow worse and worse, but I chose to follow her lead anyhew. I started playing at her own game... and now we barely talk anymore... after all the mails I sent her during the summer, after all those times I sought her out at school and on the train... after all those times that I used to think that she was the only girl that I ever could've confided and trusted in, she turned her back on me... or at least, all I ever see of her now is her goddam back, in mere, rare glimpses from across the room... for now we barely talk anymore...

And the irony about all this, was that when I confronted her about it, she claimed that she couldn't trust me anymore. She claimed that I "drag" things out of her - personal things, and personal feelings... I thought that meant we had a mutual sense of trust. I thought it meant that something meaningful could grow between us, a real bond of something... just anything... someday... but instead, she claimed she never meant to tell me the things she ended up saying. She never meant to be open and honest to me in the first place... she claimed that I trick her into telling me the truth, and she said it with such menace and grave contempt in her voice... I didn't believe her at first, and then she used my own words against me, in ironic retaliation and vengeance I guess... claiming that I always try to manipulate her, that I always twist around her words... I still knew in my heart on that train ride home, that she was still only saying this because I had done something to wrong her in the past. Either she still hadn't forgiven me for that whole goddam jealousy joke, or there was something else that I did that made her hate me so... but she never spelt it out or spilt the beans for me. Instead, just like she did after that goddam Electronics mid-term, she just coldly ignored me, changed the subject, and left me out to dry... I feel like I'm still hanging by the noose... and we've never had a meaningful conversation since...

Do I still care for her? Undoubtedly so. But she never cared for me, or at least, not enough for her to ever forgive me for an honest, goddam mistake... I may have liked a lot of girls. I may have lost a lot of girls. I may have made a lot of mistakes... but I still just can't help thinking, that she's the only one who ever broke my heart... I mean, I may be a coward, both physically and intellectually, but I pride myself on the fact that I face my emotions and my memories with earnest honesty and goddam cliche truth... that was always the difference between the two of us. That was always the Broca Divide... and it still hurts me every time I hear her laugh and see her smile... every single time I see her, I feel like I create for myself a whole new world of hurt, the likes of which could fill this msn site with a thousand tales of sobful misery, if only I had the will to write... but I guess after all these months, she's sapped me of that too... afterall, the girl I always write about, no longer gives me anything new to write about... nothing has changed. Nothing is new. Nothing is growing. Nothing is progressing... instead, the sweetest revenge seems to be goddam regression... and goddam silence... and the goddam mathematics of tears... And as long as that remains a constant in this world of change, then truth be told, I don't really have a use for this msn site any longer, now do I?...

But it's still my site. And just like I somehow still feel like I owe her something, I'll always feel like I owe something to this website as well... I may bitch and moan and scratch and scrape at chalkboards far more often now on my download site than this one, but... when worst comes to shove, when all fair's in love and war... when I actually have the goddam free time to read War and Peace... and when the mockingbird of a Siren sings her bittersweet song just once more, if only for the very last time?... then, well?...

I'm her bitch, and this website is mine... end of story... end of the year... and with that said, if only because despite all logic, despite all pain, I still somehow love her... I can't help but wish her, a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?... and it was... in a manner of speaking... goodnight, 2003...

Y2kk Update: Yeah... I know... I know that I haven't updated this site in what literally is an eternity for a university student (an entire goddam school term), and it's not like I'm going to write much here anyhew. Not today, at least... but... some things that I want to get off my chest, just didn't fit in with the tone that I had in my download site... and while I try to be an honest writer, truth be told, it's also the first law of a decent writer not to go completely Fight Club schizophrenic in your writing styles, especially when you already have no readers... whatever the hell that's supposed to mean (I'm being honest here... what the hell am I trying to say?... God, my writer sucks...)...

... though God, I should really go schizophrenic on that goddam Fight Club game they're making now... it's a complete travesty compared to the movie, almost like a cigarette burn on its legacy, and thus I'd liken it to Enter the Matrix, except the Matrix movies completely sucked in the first place, but I digress...

... well, anyhew... I had lunch with my grandparents yesterday... as always, my grandmother gave me money for no reason whatsoever. I tried to give it back, but she gets so angry when I do... I mean, you know the grandmother face, right?... not like it matters, though - note to my future self: treat the grandparents to lunch with the $30 they gave me yesterday... but still... the thing is, I've been feeling real bad about something recently, and I don't know if my grandma knows about it... though I trust she does... Because you see, there's a Chinese nursing home opening up in a couple of months. It's brand new, and it'd be great for my grandparents to finally make some Cantonese friends in Canada for once, in a manner of speaking at least... because yeah, you've probably guessed it by now... my grandparents are both moving into that nursing home, much like my other grandpa was forced into a nursing home near my own house after his stroke... the thing is, though... the thing that I object to the most... is simply that my grandparents don't need to be in a nursing home! Not yet at least, even though I do admit it's no longer safe for my grandma to walk without somebody helping her... But still, why is my mother forcing her parents into giving up their freedom, simply so that she can feel safe, knowing that if my grandmother ever does need a nursing home, that she'll already have a room reserved at the goddam Chinese place?... I mean, yes, I understand my mother's logic, that this whole damn dilemma is one big precaution... and yes, I too fear for my grandmother's life at times, as just this week as I was walking to the train, an old woman toppled down to the concrete right behind me... I was going to help her out, if only because I was having horrible flashbacks of not being there when my own grandmother fell to the rocky floor, but this old woman already was being helped by her family, so... but still... the emotional impact the sight bore on me was simply too much to simply dismiss without distress... Yes, I want my grandparents to be safe, but not at the expense of their freedom. They'll be moving farther away from us in two months, to a place where we have to sign in just to see them, and where we have to sign them out just to have lunch with them... and for a while this fall, I abhorred my mother for making this decision for my grandparents... but the thing is...

... while it's mostly her call... it's my grandfather that made the final decision...

... which is why I feel guilty now... for holding a grudge against my mother, even though she never really noticed I was holding one in the first place... I mean, it was my grandpa who decided to try the old folks home out, and if they don't like it by summer time, they'll simply leave and return back to their old home (which I'll have to maintain for them in the meantime...)... and while at times I disagree with his logic and motives (although I know my own reasons are selfish... I don't want my grandmother to be locked away from us, and yes, that is selfish), I do realize that since it was him that made the decision, that I really shouldn't have the right to complain (even if he was "convinced"...)... and I know that regardless of whether my grandparents stay in the nursing home or not in the end, that eventually, I'll just get used to the whole ordeal and forget that it was an ordeal for me in the first place... I fear change... Hell, I prefer fear over change... but still... I don't know... I've been harboring guilt over this for quite some time now... I keep hoping that my family and I could care for my grandparents, instead of putting them in the care of people I don't trust outside of the goddam contracts we sign... I love my grandparents. But as selfish as this is to say, I don't really want what's best for them... I do want what will make them both happy though, and I'm still not convinced that that includes this...

And as for the rest of my parsed guilt for this evening?... well... it's just that... Last week, my sister came home, half with elation, and half really pissed off... it turned out that her boyfriend got Maple Leaf tickets that night from his Toronto office, for the home game that very night (and ninth row seats too, to boot... no doot aboot it...)... and since both my brother and I have been dreaming of going to a Leaf game for years now (though ticket prices and constant sell outs relegate us to the seats in our own home), the thing was, my brother never picked up his cellphone whenever my sister tried calling that night... he never got the call... and after the game was done, my sister told me not to ever tell my brother about the fact that he could've gotten free Leaf tickets that night but didn't, and though I didn't promise her, I did jokingly nod... that was mistake number one for me, because I knew I was going to tell my brother. I mean, why wouldn't I? Sure, he'd be disappointed as hell, but I ain't going to keep something away from him like this. And besides, I was guessing that eventually, he'd just find the whole situation as funny as I was that evening (and besides, we had exams to study for that night... not like that ever stops me from doing my own thing, though)...

But last night, when my sister came home again, while she wasn't exactly mad with me, she was severely disappointed, and I didn't know why at first... but it turned out, that while my brother was generally disappointed in just his cellphone (apparently, it had no signal where he was sitting all night... in front of the TV, watching for the Leaf game anxiously, ironically of course...), my sister was indeed disappointed in me... because I had told her that I would keep the Leaf tickets as a secret, only to tell my brother a couple hours later, with him eagerly calling my sister (since I had told him my sister had a "surprise" for him)... and now I have guilt... and why? Because I didn't mean to get his hopes high. And I didn't mean to make my sister lose trust in me... and I didn't really mean to put my sister in the kind of situation where she had to tell him the truth, I guess... as stupid as that sounds to say... and what I'm also feeling guilty about, is that I chose to tell my brother without caring about any of these consequences, even though I sort of predicted that they would happen. In fact, I only started feeling guilty, after my sister "caught" me in the act yesterday, so to speak... I mean, before that, I thought everything was just fine and dandy, and that we would all get a good laugh out of the ticket situation... but not likely, I guess... Leaf tickets bring the worst out of Torontonians, including me, I suppose...

Never joke about Leaf tickets. That should be the first canon law of a Toronto Maple Leafs fan...

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