Y2kk Update: Goddam, am I ever goddam horny...

... but when the fuck haven't I been, as the goddam 24-year old virgin here?...

Well, I suppose it is a bit strange that I'm practically begging for a woman in the middle of December. Normally my goddam hormones don't kick in until spring, not like it ever does me any goddam good in the end, but that's a story for another day...

But short story short, I did have a little encounter with a little girl in my local TD bank the other day. The girl wasn't exactly that little though, looking like either a freshman in college or a senior in high school at worst. But obviously, she was way too young for my own liking, considering I am the fucking 24-year old virgin afterall...

... even I ain't that creepy to date a young bitch like that...

The thing is though, I myself have got that goddam butterface Chinese sort of look. Or the "baby-cute" face, as the "Sexy Hair" bitch from my elementary school once described me as... goddam, fucking bitch...

And as the Chinese asshole that I am? I really do look like I'm still a goddam high school student or somebody young like that...

But even so, it's just that?...

... I don't remember the last fucking time that a girl, any girl, actually took interest in me from first glance, that's all...

I noticed the signals immediately as she walked through the door. She gave me a sort of sly, shy gaze with her eyes before shunning and parting away. Now, it's nothing special for a girl to take a look at me for a second, even if I am one ugly motherfucking asshole. The thing is though, unlike about 99% of the women on the face of the planet, she didn't turn right away from me in goddam disgust once she saw my face. Instead, she sort of gave me a slight second look and a glimmer of a smile, and immediately I recognized it as "the signal"...

What signal? Well, pretty much the one that I've never actually gotten right off the bat. Now sure, I've gotten that look of "come hither" before with the "ILuvYou" girl and my cute co-worker at my current workplace. But both of these signals took months if not years to develop over time, as those two bitches must've started conning themselves into believing I'm actually a good guy with a good personality, overcoming my deficiencies as an ugly motherfucking man, that is...

But this here in that TD bank that day? This was probably the first time in my entire goddam life where a girl actually <GASP!> seemed to find me goddam, fucking attractive. WTF? No, seriously, WTF?...

How often does this shit ever happen to me? Pretty much never. Which is why I decided to have a little fun with her, even though I knew it would lead nowhere in the end...

I had a newspaper in hand, so pretending like I didn't notice her in line, I pretended to not know where I was going with the paper in front of my face, and sort of side-stepped closer to her, even "accidentally" leaning into her a tiny bit. And the shocking thing to me was, she didn't step back or anything. Instead, she even hovered a bit closer to me and she never really budged. She sort of just lingered there, sharing my personal little bubble of space, close enough that I could literally sniff her scent and she could smell mine...

Well, as the self-conscious asshole that I am, I was sure she'd start running for the hills then and there. Afterall, I'm a motherfucking mouth-breather who loves to drink goddam milk and never chews gum, so obviously my breath goddam stinks. I also shower at night instead of the mornings, which obviously makes me smell like shit early on as the Sun is rising like it was that good morn...

The thing is though, even after what seemed to be about a good ten or twenty seconds of literally touching each other then and there, she didn't move. She didn't run. Instead, I could almost feel her coming closer to me, like she was begging me to say something. That's when I took my first whiff of her fair skin, and here and now to this very day, I still can't get over her goddam scent...

... afterall, we are a "scentient" species...

Get it?... oh, nevermind...

Now, sure she wasn't exactly a looker. She was thin and slender, true, and had a cute baby-face for a white girl, I guess. She was a bit freckled though, and a bit on the final outskirts of puberty, so not everything seemed to be in proper proportions. She had no real breasts, no real curves, and no real ass from what I could discern. But her golden brown hair was lovely, her eyes told the story of her beauty, and I still can't fucking get over how damn sweet like sugar she goddam smelled to me...

... like butter...

... or a buttercup...

... the "Buttercup" girl...

Around this time, an old lady was trying to get through the front entrance doors. That's when the Buttercup girl finally left my side, to hold the first door to the entrance open for the old lady to pass through. And since I am ever the gentleman afterall, I left the confines of the line as well, and actually held the second door open for the granny as she walked through. Of course, I got the satisfaction that I did something right for a change this holiday season. And I also still can't forget the look in that girl's eyes when she saw that I had just done a good "selfless" deed, as if even without saying a word, I had completely won her over with my 'charming' personality...

WTF?...

... no, seriously...

WTF?...

Her eyes seemed like they were swooning. She was completely into me. Seriously, WTF?...

So yeah, when we got back in line, I said hello and we talked a tiny bit. Not much, nothing more than just mere pleasantries really, enough to know that obviously she was too young and too naive for me in the end. But still, there was just something about her sweet, soft, succulent voice with that sleek little pink blouse that she had on, that still both wows and haunts me to this very day. Even after I had opened my fucking ugly ass mouth and gritted my out-of-sequence teeth to speak a single word, she still seemed goddam infatuated with me to the very end. I could feel it, as somehow, we just had that sort of instant chemistry I've never experienced before. Or for all I know, I had found myself my first goddam stalker...

... sigh... that would've been a dream match in heaven for me, now wouldn't it have been?...

... it would've been a goddam Festivus miracle, or so I thought...

Goddammit, why couldn't she have been older, or have been goddam Chinese? My parents would kick her ass for not being the latter. And the last thing I would ever want is for my first girlfriend to be something like five or six years younger than I am, unlike a certain somebody else I knew in goddam high school (but that's a story for another day)...

Short story short, nothing ever really happened with that buttercup of a girl in the end, sad to say. But really, I have no clue why she was so damn much into me, whether she had some sort of fucking Asian Festivis fetish for my culture or something, if she just thought I was around her age or some crap like that (or liked the idea of having an older man...), or if for some goddam reason, I somehow smelled as good to her as she fucking did to me...

... intoxicating, really...

And yes, indeed I know I made a lasting impression on her, whether it was by holding the door for the old lady or by simply cracking a few innocent jokes when we did stop to talk, because as I was leaving the bank? Just like when she had first walked through that door and given me that rare "come hither" signal that few women ever have, as I was leaving the bank and as I had slightly turned my head over to where she was now being served?...

... that's when she gave a small, slight smile back and a look of goddam longing, the kind of which that screamed out, "call me... please, call me and fuck me..."...

... yeah...

Now, was she a desperate stalker? If so, since that's my goddam fetish, I so wish I could fucking call her right here and now...

... but sigh, was I man enough to ask for her number?... no... because it just wouldn't have worked out...

Still, to be honest? It was still a momentous occasion for me, even if it would seem like just a regular day in the goddam bank to anyone who actually does get lucky with the goddam, fucking women...

Afterall, this was honestly the first time in my entire life where I flirted with a girl and she flirted back, and where she somehow actually was still goddam into me by the final time it was all said and done with...

WTF?...

... no, seriously, what the hell is the world coming to?...

WTF?...

Now sure, other guys get lucky with one night stands.

... sadly put, this was as close as I've ever goddam gotten...

... as she and I were standing side by side, sharing each other's company, scenting each other's skin, and warming each other's hearts...

Sound sappy, over the top, and just a tad bit stalkerish? Ya think? Well, obviously...

Was it moronic of me not to even ask for her number? Maybe...

... but yeah, that's who I am...

... both a coward...

... and a playa...

... and definitely the goddam, noname virgin...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... well, if I ever meet her again and go to straight to banking on her ass?...

... then maybe for once, for just fucking once?...

... maybe it will be...

Y2kk Update: You know, you would've thought by now that I would've learned my lesson...

... to not keep dipping my pen in the fucking company ink, that is...

Hell's bells, haven't I been taught this lesson the hard way already?...

... when I almost got a fucking sexual harassment suit slapped on me in the fucking government over a year ago to this day...

I never really wrote about that shit on my MSN site. I meant to, and I still won't get into the fucking specifics, but it's been bugging the fuck out of me lately for some goddam reason, how I was misused and abused by that fucking worker bee of a goddam bitch...

Back when I was starting my student minimum wage job at the fucking government as a programmer of a helper, there was this hot Asian college bitch there. I'll just call her the Worker Bee Bitch, simply because she never did any fucking real work but be a goddam bitch...

Okay, so obviously the fact that she had smokin' hot FOB hair and a decent Chinese ass with goddam butt cleavage, I was smitten from the start. I knew I should never get into any damn shit with a coworker though, or so I had learned from all the fucking ravings and rantings from the workplace stories online, but after a month or so with her had passed, my fucking men pills and balls began to take precedence over my goddam brain...

She seemed to flirt with me. Well, she didn't really flirt, but she definitely opened up to me in ways that were surprising, and in ways that were a tad bit inviting, sad to say. Obviously I was a bit shocked when we were just photocopying papers together, and she started talking about sex ed and all the vibrators she had practiced with over the past year. Meanwhile, I'm just there, wondering why the fuck she was bringing it up then and there, unless she really wanted me to actually bend her over the fucking photocopier then and there. I definitely got that impression. WTF?...

So yeah, she baited me. I should've been smart enough to know she was a pure bitch, considering all the boyfriend and sex stories she began teasing me with over the goddam month. She also made it abundantly clear that she was single, even though it seemed like she was still getting it on with fucking one night stands the whole fucking time with every fucking guy on the planet. My fucking God, did her ass ever look sweet ass red...

Well, like I said, I won't get into the specifics of the downfall of my fucking manhood. Suffice to say, I never touched her, I never even flirted with her. However, I did try to keep her company one day...

She was heading out on a work errand, and I offered to help. So I spent the day with her. The thing is, as the worker bee bitch that she is, it took her about 15 minutes to do the actual errand she claimed would take a couple of hours, and then spent the rest of the time fucking shopping at Jacob's and The Gap. And of course, I tagged along. I didn't really want to be there since goddam girls clothes shopping is fucking goddam boring as fuck, but hey, she was smokin' hot in the all the clothes she was testing. And I didn't want to really leave, otherwise the people at the office might have realized from my quick return that the worker bee bitch was doing something other than actual goddam work (not that they'd really care, but still...)...

Anyhew, eventually we ran into another one of the students that we were working with at the office. Since this guy was trustworthy (since we hung out with him all the time), when he asked what we were doing, I said that we were "shopping". Immediately then, the worker bee bitch completely went insane and bitched back at me, then quite literally never talked to me again. Apparently, she didn't want anyone to know about what the fuck she was doing, even though technically we had been goddam caught, and caught by someone who would never tattle on her or get either of us into trouble...

Now, I do and always have conceded with her point, that I shouldn't have opened my big ass mouth in order to at least have let her make the call of what she wanted to tell the other fucking student. But either way, even though I apologized, she tore into me as a complete fucking bitch about what I had did to her, and she never really spoke to me again...

... that wasn't the sexual harassment part of it all though...

I don't know why I was this damn dumb a week later. I just was, for some inexplicable reason. But even though I was completely on bad terms with this fucking worker bee bitch, when she was in a meeting for a contract extension (which she had told me about before she went whackjob on me), my brain just went into goddam dumbass mode and asked another worker if it went well. In my head, I was only hoping that the bitch would get a contract extension because I was hoping that she would be able to stick around so I can patch things up, but when she overheard from the background of the room, that I was asking some other fucking worker about this shit of hers?...

She went ballistic on me (in private afterwards, though), for not minding my own business, for spreading bad gossip about her and shit like that. Now, did I spread gossip? Hell no. But I do admit that it was completely dumbass of me to ask someone else how her meeting went and not herself. I honestly don't know what I was thinking at the time, whether it was smitten desperation or just plain piss poor people skills. But still, the lengths that this worker bee bitch took this personal vendetta against me here were fucking goddam insane, no matter how apologetic I truly was...

... truth be told, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...

... and yet this still wasn't the goddam sexual harassment part of it all...

Yes, I admit that I can't keep my nose out of other people's business, and for that I tried to apologize and promised never to do it again. And I do admit that I did and still do have a big mouth, just automatically trusting that other student with the truth about what the worker bee bitch and I had been up to for the past two hours of that day. I wish I could take these two fatal mistakes of mine back, but unfortunately for me, she just wasn't the forgiving type. By this point in time, she hadn't talked to me in over three fucking weeks, and all I wanted was to stay the fuck away from her...

Now, by this point it was a fucking Friday. It was the last fucking day that the only student left there (that actually still liked me after all the bad gossip the worker bee bitch had spread) was about to leave (since her contract was ending). Problem was, that stupid worker bee bitch had also brought her goddam (cutie) sister to work that day, for whatever goddam reason. And the problem was, she was introducing her sister to everyone in the office (except for me, of course), preventing me from walking out of my fucking cubicle to say goodbye to the other student. I was deftly afraid of accidentally running into the worker bee bitch, as I had sworn to both her and myself to stay completely out of her fucking hair and line of sight. Yet here she was, walking all over the office and I had absolutely nowhere left to hide...

It was finally the end of the working day, and I hadn't seen or heard from the worker bee bitch or her sister for over an hour by that point. Thinking that the two had finally left, I finally got out of my cubicle and went over to the enclosed desk of that student who was leaving, to wish her good luck and a solemn goodbye. And since we're talking about opaque, high walled cubicles here (that are shared by two people), obviously as I was peeping my head around the corner, I couldn't see who the fuck was in the fucking cubicle where my fellow student was supposed to be...

... and guess who the fuck was there instead...

The other student had lent her computer to the worker bee bitch's sister to use the internet off of. And as soon as the worker bee bitch realized in the corner of her fucking bat radar, narrowed eyes that I was now peeping in on her sister, she completely blew up at me. And when I say she blew up on me, I'm telling you that she fucking blew up on me in a way I had honestly never experienced before...

Back when I accidentally opened my big mouth and told the truth to the other student about the whole shopping thing, at least the bitch only bitched out at me in front of one fucking other person. And when it came to minding my own business when I was dumbass enough to essentially "stalk" her by asking how her contract negotiations had gone, at least she cussed me out in private, which at least I did and still do appreciate...

But this time? This time, I had wandered in on her sister by fucking accident, after spending the last five or so fucking hours of the work day avoiding the goddam both of them. How the fuck was I supposed to know that the other student had lent her computer to this sister of hers? How the fuck am I supposed to see through walls?...

I immediately said "sorry" like a pussy whipped asshole, but that didn't stop the worker bee bitch from absolutely going ballistic on me. She fucking tore me down with her fucking shrieks and screams in front of five or ten or God knows how many workers in the office hallway then and there. She wouldn't stop, she wouldn't let up, she just kept on going and going how I was stalking her, how I never mind my business, how she wants me out of the office and out of her fucking life...

I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything, I just stood there frozen until I literally whimpered away to the sounds of the soft mumbles and murmurs of the crowd...

... and goddam, was I ever embarrassed...

... and that still wasn't the goddam sexual harassment suit...

Because why? Well, suffice to say, after going back to my cubicle, I was so fucking pissed off that I didn't have the guts to finally stand up to that fucking goddam bitch, that I literally finally grabbed my balls, clenched my fists, gritted my teeth, and went back to her goddam cubicle to fucking cuss her out...

And I did. I did it...

... well, not the way I intended it to go, of course...

Now, I tried to do it in private, as I literally waited for her to walk off to the side of the room (where it was at least semi-private), and that's when I opened up by trying (but failing, probably...) to softly tell her that she had no right to talk to me like that in front of all our coworkers. It was completely unprofessional, and it was completely unnecessary when walking in on her sister was entirely a goddam accident in the goddam first place...

But of course, this worker bee bitch decided then and there to do nothing in private. She raised her voice (so obviously, I in turn sadly did the same...) and started bitching out at me how I have no right to embarrass her like this, that I have no right to talk to her or speak my mind, and that I have absolutely no right to say anything to her when I'm the one who's goddam harassing her...

... wait... "harassing"?... WTF?...

... immediately when she said those words, I shut the fuck up...

... she obviously didn't...

... she fed off of it...

She started threatening me, telling me that if I didn't back off right now and leave the office, she would tell the managers about me and file a goddam harassment suit. She literally said this at the top of her fucking shrill lungs, loud enough for once again the entire row of the office to hear what the fuck she was goddam seething and screaming...

So honestly, what the fuck else could I do? I literally lost my balls, lost my composure, felt a tear shed from my eye, apologized like a whimpering baby, and then collected whatever I had left of my pride and got myself the fuck out of her face. What the fuck else could I do? It was her word against mine if a case was actually filed, and why the fuck would they ever side with the 23-year old fucking stalker of a virgin?...

... and as for the actual sexual harassment suit?... well...

She had goddam threatened me that day with it, sure. But I never actually expected her to go through with it...

... but she did... or at least, she tried to...

She told my manager about what I had "done". She then told my manager's manager about it as well, in her own words of course...

... and my manager had to take me off to the side on the following Monday morning, and tell me that I was in deep fucking shit...

... no shit, Sherlock...

... and, well?...

His manager was a good enough man not to go through with the sexual harassment suit unless the bitch would complain about me yet again. It doesn't look good on the record, to have a fucking sexual harassment case in your fucking goddam office afterall. So I had to give my fucking 100% word to my own manager, that I would never talk or speak with the worker bee bitch ever again. What else could I possibly do without quiting? What more could I possibly promise without a resign?...

... so yeah, I spent the rest of my days there (as a student, at least...), looking over my shoulder, literally watching out for the worker bee bitch that had fucking sniped off my balls all those weeks before...

... or at least I did, her face constantly haunting me wherever I turned, until she was essentially fired that is...

... ah, yes... sweet, sweet, amiccable ass justice...

What a fucking stupid, dumbass bitch. First, she ruined her entire image at work by embarrassing me to hell in front of the whole office (which at the time at least, was far more in my favour than in hers, except for perhaps her own manager...). Then, she was dumb enough to make a complete fucking enemy out of her own manager and the goddam director, by barging into the director's office and complaining how dumbass her manager goddam was, only to realize that her manager and the director were actually best fucking friends in the entire goddam building...

Seriously, WTF was wrong with her? How fucking dumbass of a bitch can she be? WTF?...

... she makes Smallville teen angst look genius...

... and, well?...

Suffice to say, after that proverbial, big ass cat was let out of the bag (not by me though, I only heard about it through the grape vine...), the worker bee bitch didn't last in the office very long after...

... and truth be told, I would've thought after that, that I would've learned my lesson...

... to never dip my pen into the fucking company ink again...

... to never let a fucking hot girl play with my balls and manipulate me to fucking hell in the office ever again, I mean...

But seriously, after over a half year's worth of work at my new workplace, I'm starting to lose my composure yet again. WTF?...

Now, is there an evil worker bee bitch there that's cussing me out, bitching and sniping while teasing and tempting me with tales of trance rabbit vibrators on the fruit of the loins?...

... well, no... but there is a cute girl that's starting to make me weak at the knees, at the very least...

She's Chinese (of course), but not a FOB in the sense that while she has traditional values like me, she's far more North American than anything else...

... her face is cute, but it's more of her personality that is starting to seem irresistible to me, no matter how hard I try to resist...

She's also given me a few indications that she wants me. She's never talked about boys or a boyfriend to me, she seems to try to cut into conversations that I'm having, and she immediately walked over to me at the Company Christmas Party (where she was smokin' hot in a Chinese traditional dress, while I was "woefully underdressed" in the same shit shirt and pants that I had worn to the fucking Toronto Raptors game that very same night...). Of course, after just five minutes of talking with her, I was dumbass enough to literally walk away from that fucking hot bitch who was actually flirting with me, and spent the rest of the night with the guys (as she seemed to disappear into the night after I had finally realized my fucking dumbass mistake)...

But, still... umm?...

... while obviously she ain't the shrill, manipulative bitch that the worker bee bitch once was, the thing is?...

... romance in the workplace never fucking works, or so I should've learned my lessons by now...

Never let your balls do the talking in the office. Even though I know the worker bee bitch was literally batshit insane and that nothing romantic every truly transpired between the both of us, I did let down my guard thanks to the fact that she was fucking horny as hell 24/7 and she had a fucking fine ass to bend over on the fucking photocopier that day...

And truth be told, after being bitched out in public? Rumours started swirling in the office, that I had indeed tapped that fucking worker bee ass before...

... God, I wish I had... then that fucking whole hellish experience wouldn't have been for absolutely fucking nothing, but I digress...

Now, the girl in my current office is warm and compassionate and sweet, it seems, but also pragmatic in the sense that I like from programmers and engineers alike. I still don't know her very well, but we already seem to have a few similar interests, as least as far as computers and technology goes (naturally, since we're in the same business). It's an ice breaker at least, and I already thought she was attractive from the very first day I laid eyes on her in the office...

... but... "the office"?...

... The Office...

... uggh...

If I can't learn my lessons from a fucking real sexual harassment suit bitch-slapped against me, shouldn't I at least learn from the fucking goddam television show at least?...

Haven't I already been taught my motherfucking lessons the goddam hard on way? WTF?...

... to never dip my goddam pen into the fucking company ink...

.... as bad things happen...

... even if whatever is left of my balls, won't goddam accept that...

Y2kk Update: My God, do I ever waste a ton of fucking cash...

Because you know what I'm thinking of now? To actually go out and waste more than a hundred fucking dollars on video games that I'll never ever fucking play. Is that really a good thing?...

Now sure, everyone wastes cash. Some people do it on smokes, some people on coffee, and others shell it out on whatever the fuck else they can get their grubby hands on, especially on fucking Boxing Day...

But as for me? I'm like a toy collector. Except my toys are fucking video games...

I'm not much a real collector though. Sure, I've got the goddam virgin part of geekdom down pat, but I never really keep my games in shrink wrapping to keep them valuable, yet I never play my fucking games for more than five fucking minutes in my life anyhew. I just open my shit to test to see if it fucking works, then onto the shelf it goes. WTF?...

The thing is, I've been trying to get a Nintendo Wii since it first launched, and of course I've come up short when it comes to battling motherfucking soccer moms for the rights to the system. How the fuck anyone can deal with psychotic ass bitches like them, I will never know. I just know that marriage would be a living hell for me, if young bitches are already completely our of my fucking control and sanity to handle. Which is why I still stand as the 24-year old fucking virgin, but that's a story for another day...

Short story short, after I couldn't get a Wii for a couple of weeks, I caved into my fucking cravings for just anything to buy. I was so damn disillusioned by my faithful partner of motherfucking Nintendo cheating the hell out of me for fucking soccer moms that had more money and insanity than I'll ever have, so I instead went into bed with the fucking enemy and got myself a goddam Sony PS2...

... my first fucking Sony video game product in my goddam life... uggh...

I. HATE. SONY.

I. HATE. MOTHERFUCKING. GODDAM. CUCKOLD. SONY.

... but sigh, that doesn't stop me from buying the motherfucking PS2 games...

After buying that shitty ass primitive and outdated system, how much money have I spent on its games? For shitty ass motherfucking PS2 games that I'll never play, I think I've already sank three or four hundred dollars down the toilet, and here I am thinking of wasting another hundred dollars or more? WTF?...

I guess it's just the law of collectors. I never need anything, I never really want anything. I live in the MTV generation afterall, where we feel neither highs nor lows...

... meh...

But I do get those fucking regrets, of seeing a great "deal" or a fucking rare gem that I know I will probably never see again at that price. For instance, the other week I saw Shadow Hearts: Covenant for $20. Checking on eBay and Amazon, the game goes for about $40-$60 to collectors, and here it was for less than half that price brand new. Would I ever play the fucking game? Hell no, it's still sitting in shrink wrap in my room as I write this. But I just couldn't live with myself, with the feelings of remorse I would feel if I let that rare game slip by me at such a fucking sweet ass deal. Or at least, that's what my brain keeps goddam convincing me of...

It's the same thing for Game Boy Advance games. Would I ever play those primitive 2D sprite zones of games anymore? Fuck no, I haven't even touched a GBA game (aside from Wario Ware) in ages since I got my Nintendo DS. The thing is though, there are just so many rare RPGs and strategy games made for that old handheld system by japanese companies like Nintendo and Atlus, that it has literally consumed me to collect them all like fucking goddam Pokemon. Right now, I can't get the idea of picking up Summon Spirits and Yggdra Union or whatever the fuck those games are called out of my fucking head. Would I ever play these games? Fuck no. I don't even know what they're about. Yet it's consuming me to just go out and get them at the $25 or $30 that they're going for right now, considering I know they will be selling for $60 or higher on eBay within a matter of fucking months...

I've wasted so much cash on my goddam video game collections that it's pissing off even me. I made a solemn promise to myself at the start of this month that since I was going to use my money on getting a Nintendo Wii (or so I had hoped) and on Christmas presents, that I wouldn't buy anymore of these shit ass PS2 and GBA games for the rest of the fucking year at the very least. Now sure, I would allow myself to pick up shit like the Disgaea series, Makai Kingdom and Phantom Brave (WTF? WTF is this shit? Even I've never heard of it...) once the new year starts, but as of right now? Would I ever play this shit? Hell no. So why the fuck waste my money on this crap when I had fucking Christmas presents and dinners for friends to buy?...

... the thing is though, even though I made a promise, I've already broken that promise on one or two occasions...

... obviously only on huge sweet ass Christmas deals for games, but still, it makes me feel sick to the core...

And now I'm looking in the flyers and seeing some more fucking sweet ass deals. And why wouldn't I, right? It's fucking Boxing Day...

... I forgot about fucking Boxing Day when I made my fucking goddam promise...

Now, I never did get my Nintendo Wii, so I kind of do have some extra money to burn. It's just that, it kills me inside knowing that I'm buying absolutely useless shit, yet I know in my heart that I will regret it for life if I don't buy it now before it becomes fucking goddam expensive on goddam eBay...

How did these feelings start? I dunno. I did have toy car collections when I was small, and I was quite obsessive about that. But I never really felt that feeling of goddam longing and regret I get from not getting or having something, until it came to the days of the Super Nintendo...

I am the no-name nostalgic, afterall. Back when I was smaller, I sold a bunch of my SNES games for credit to get more games. Seemed like the right thing to do at times, right? Until one day, by accident, I traded in my precious fucking game of Phalanx. It was a shitty ass game that I absolutely hated at the time, but immediately after I had traded it in for almost no cash whatsoever, I goddam regretted it...

... I should've just bought it back... but I didn't... motherfucker...

Since then? I haven't traded in a single game. It kills me inside to lose anything that I own. Don't ask me the fuck why...

And now my obsession with keeping everything I buy, has somehow morphed into buying every fucking rare game that I somehow innately believe I will regret not having in the fargone future. WTF?...

Somehow, that same goddam feeling I got when I fucking traded in goddam Phalanx for the SNES over a fucking decade ago, is the same damn feeling I get when I see a game now that I know I won't ever see again for that same damn price. It's such a fucking unforgiving, illogical goddam feeling in the pits of my gut, but even as of now, I just can't goddam shake it...

So what do I do? Stick with my promise, even though I never got that Nintendo Wii that I fucking goddam wanted for the Christmas party?...

... or fuck, do I go out and waste a ton of fucking cash?...

... on shit...

... no, wait... even worse than shit...

... Sony Playstation Shit...

... oh my fucking God...

... Sony Playstation fucking Shit?...

... how pathetic have I become?...

... Sony fucking Playstation Shit? Honestly?...

... my fucking God, I have a problem...

Y2kk Update: Wait, I have allergies? Do I? Do I really?...

A while back, I had this thing happening with my hands, and I really don't know why. They ballooned to fucking massive sizes (relatively speaking of course, considering my fingers normally are the thickness of goddam toothpicks...), and they fucking itched on the inside like hell. I literally couldn't get to sleep, no matter what kind of skin creams I used, because nothing would fucking work for more than five fucking minutes at a time. If one of my hands would finally calm the fucking down, the other would balloon back up to mammoth proportions and cause me to writhe in fucking agony and itchy as hell pain. WTF?...

At first glance, it definitely seemed like I had allergies (maybe even allergies to the skin creams I was trying to fix the problem with, I don't know...). The thing is though, I didn't touch or eat or do anything with any foreign on that very Friday that these symptoms of mine flared up. I mean, I had chicken and rice and milk and fucking salt. What the fuck could I possibly be allergic to, considering all these things that I had eaten for dinner were far less than the usual spectrum of shit that a Chinese scrub like me tends to absorb? I couldn't possibly be allergic to fucking chicken and milk, could I? Yet almost immediately after that dinner, my hands started to redden and fuck me up. WTF?...

Maybe it was the soap. I did take a shower that day, and the soap there seemed mighty suspicious. I threw that shit out right after, but really, that didn't seem to alleviate the problem. Not immediately for the next few days, at least...

The swollenness was just so damn unbearable, so much to the point where I fucking went to the doctor. Of course, he thought I had allergies, and maybe I did. Who fucking knows? It wasn't my own prognosis though, allergic reactions I mean, considering that time of fall coincided with the usual Edema outbreaks I had heard about (excess fluid build-ups) that a lot of people suffer throughout the seasons. Sure, I had never had Edema before from what I recall, but all the symptoms seemed identical to me, so why the hell couldn't it have been that?...

Either way though, he prescribed to me just simple Benadryl. Did it hit the spot? I really don't know. All I do know, is that a) I still can't fucking swallow tablets or goddam pills, and b) getting drugged and fucked up for the first time in the longest while was kinda actually kinky. I couldn't feel anything in my body, I couldn't stand on my two fucking feet, and I had some of the best sleep in my life. Even if I didn't have allergies, how the fuck could I complain about crazy shit like that?...

Of course, what sucked was that I still went to work that week... while completely drowsy, with now my hands and feet swollen to the point where I could barely fit in my shoes and goddam bloody hell coat pockets. WTF?...

And ah, yes... work...

Now sure, officially my own diagnosis of the situation was Edema. My hands and feet were swollen at the exact time of year when that so-called excess fluid build-up in the extremities usually seems to occur in others. Meanwhile, of course my walk-in doctor didn't give a shit about what I had to say, so it was all about the allergies, the Benjamins, and the Benadryl for him. Not that I'm really complaining, mind you...

But if I had to get a second opinion? You know what I'd actually blame for all my pain and anguish?...

Work. Motherfucking work, that's what...

Now sure, it's not like I work that many hours in a day. While my sister fought and died for her recent promotion, by getting into the office at 8 am and leaving at 8 pm every single goddam day at the very least, I stroll into my pathetic little cubicle-less desk at 9 am and leave at around 6:30 pm on any normal working day. That's not so bad, if I was being compensated properly for it that is (which I'm not, but that's a story for another day...)...

Now sure, I do admit now that in retrospect, obviously my job at the government was boring as hell. And truth be told, I hated the office politics there so damn much, that it really ruined whatever decent work environment I had there from time to time...

But at least there, I felt relaxed and comfortable, leaving at 5 pm every single day and enjoying the rest of my night. Now here, at my current workplace, while I don't quite feel stressed, I just feel that there isn't enough fucking waking hours in the day to satisfy my needs at home. Thanks to commuting, I wake at 7 am and get home at 8 pm every single night (or 9 pm and later, on the days I work extra overtime). And I find that after watching a few sports highlights and surfing the net for a minute or two after I finally do arrive home, I'm forced to go back to bed and wake up to the horrible gutting feeling of goddam work yet again. WTF?...

The thing is, maybe if I didn't have personal websites and fucking other wants and needs in life (wants obviously consisting of sex which I never get, but needs as in the ability to fucking relax...), then I wouldn't mind my entire damn day consisting 90% of goddam work and commute time. But because I would love to spend more time on my noname websites, because I just have such a massive fucking backlog of video games that I wish I had time to play, and since I have so many television shows I wish I had more time to watch? I just get so damn frustrated whenever I got home these dark and damp days that I honestly don't have the time or the effort to bother with any of it at all...

When I was in the government, you know what I enjoyed the most? Even though I technically also had part time fucking university at the same damn time, I was so not mentally taxed at fucking work all day, that I was primed and ready to just write my heart out on my websites as soon as I got home. There was no need to relax in my couch for an hour first after that fucking horrible commute ride, because I had already relaxed for God knows how many hours at my goddam work already. And because of that, even if my website writing was still shit, I enjoyed conjuring quite a few of those noname updates of mine back then. I honestly can't say the same for anything I write now, since everything I do jot down is now in such a fucking frantic hurry that it's goddam ridiculous. WTF?...

So how does this relate to my fucking outbreak of Edema or Adama or AIDs or whatever sort of fucking crap?...

This past Friday (yes, on a fucking goddam Friday), I didn't leave the office until 8 pm thanks to fucking goddam deadlines, and couldn't arrive home until well after nine. But you know what was most startling? Sure, it may have been because the fucking evil Diet Pepsi can I was holding was freezing over my digits in the cold, but after I had left work at eight fucking PM at night? I looked down at my hands, noticed how fucking swollen they were, and fucking felt that fucking allergic itch of mine return. That fucking goddam internal itch of a bitch, of goddam psychotic-inducing bloody hell proportions. WTF?...

So really, what does this all mean?...

Well, obviously I'm goddam allergic to work. That much is obvious, but besides that?...

Who the fuck knows?...

All I do know, is that I hate my fucking work. Perhaps now, more than ever...

But you know what I really loathe even more?...

... sigh...

... not just the notion that I'm beginning to get used to this fucking goddam schedule of mine...

... but the fact that I'm also starting to enjoy it as well, that's what...