Y2kk Update: Eight years old...

... as of January 3rd, this website has become eight years old...

What is it I used to say? Happy happy happy happy happy anniversary, or some shit like that?...

Why did I start this website anyways? Originally, the download and Tweakui blogs of mine were simply intended to keep my two readers out there informed on video card and CPU news. I branched off with my MSN site to talk about my more personal shit, but eventually I just got bored of managing three sites at once, especially when my noname one finally started off the ground. And since then, it's been nothing but rants and whines and complaints on this download site of mine. When was the last time I ever even reported the video card news here?...

Over the course of eight years, a lot of shit has happened in my life. When I first started out this blog, I was back in either Grade 11 or 12, I can hardly even remember anymore. At the time, I was obsessed with a couple of girls, namely the "ILuvYou" girl who I still regret not taking to the prom to this very day, and the "Beautifully Minded" girl that I sadly started a crush on since she gave me a goddam chocolate gift on Halloween. The latter was more or less the only woman outside of my family that I've ever danced with in my entire life, but it was the "ILuvYou" girl that I should've been with at that fateful high school graduation formal of mine. Now sure, I had known since day one that she was never right for me, that it wouldn't have worked out between us if we ever had started dating. Still, she liked me and I liked her at the time, and my failures to become anything more than friends with her still haunt me to this very day...

After high school, I had a period of crushes that went absolutely nowhere. There was that French bitch that I won't even bother to name any longer, there was my "Petite Cherie" in fourth year that was just a hot Chinese FOB who every engineer probably had a fucking jonsing for, and of course there was my brother's old crush who I've always liked myself but never could or would get close to. Going to the University of Toronto and being part of the ECE computing faculty over there, there wasn't much of a selection of ladies to pick from, and I never really got to know anyone from the arts and sciences sections of the campus in the goddam end. As a result, I was still attached to my goddam obsession from high school for the longest time. I never even liked her as a person back in high school, but for some odd reason, I guess misery loves company. We were so completely wrong for each other, but something there between us connected at times, more than it did for the "ILuvYou" girl. Don't know what or why that was, but I was still hung up on this obsession of mine for years until university finally ended, even though I hadn't seen her for four fucking years...

And is that what's going to happen with me and the girl formerly at my work? The thing is, it's been a month since I last saw her, and weeks since I last was able to speak with her. I never see her online on her IM or any shit like that; hell, for all I know, she's blocked my gchat account and will never speak to me again like she did before. I can't contact her with the phone, since she never gave me her number throughout all our months together. She does know my number, but she's never called it once, so why would I ever expect to hear her on the other side of the goddam dialtone? I could just write her an e-mail, and I did for Christmas and New Year's. That was the only contact I had with her, brief little generic holiday statements that really could've come from any IM chat bot for all I knew. Is this really going to be our future from now on? E-cards as the only remaining hallmark of who I thought was the long lost love of my life?...

The thing is, I still think of her constantly. Not an hour of the day goes by when I don't. And just the other week, for some damn reason, I was reminiscing about the first time that she ever touched me, as pointless as that goddam sounds. It was more than a year ago now, about August or September 2006 or some shit like that. I hardly knew her at the time, aside from a few work conversations here and there. I didn't even know her name, not that I can recall at the time at least, and I only knew her as the cute girl in tight T-shirts and jeans from across the office. Well, there was certainly a certain vibe and deja vu I got from her, perhaps as if I had known her before at U of T, but this here was the first actual moment with her that actually felt real. This first time we touched was so goddam pointless, yet I never fucking forgot it...

We were all heading out for some major lunch, and come to think of it, it may have been for the departure of her Aunt (who had referred her into the office) from the company at the time. I was just sitting in my chair, minding my own business, jealous that the cute Chinese girl at work had just given peeled oranges as a gift to one of my coworkers and not myself (ha, jealousy... some things never change). When all of a sudden, when I least expected it, I felt a warm feminine hand on my shoulder, which I promptly reached for and returned back the favour. With an excited smile on her face, she had come to ask me if I was ready to go out for the lunch yet. I didn't even know her name at the time, I don't remember if she even knew mine, and yet somehow I was just smitten by her warmth and smile there. I never forgot that moment, even though I never could've predicted how damn much I would eventually fall for her one year later. Goddammit, I was so nostalgic over a silly little touch. Fuck, some things just never change...

It wasn't until we spoke at the Christmas party that year and later before Chinese New Year that I really started seeing potential in her. It wasn't until she started showing up and laughing with me every morning at stand-up that I realized that I really was falling for her, that I really wanted to be with her all the time. We never shut up with each other over IM back then, and we started going out for ice cream and long walks and dinner dates and shit like that, all as friends but I certainly did start feeling like we were something more. But that was the highlight of my year, and perhaps the goddam highlight of my life over the past eight fucking years I've been writing and whining on this goddam download website of mine. For a few months of my life, she really did make me happy, no matter how much I may have complained about her here. I only write what I care about, and I cared and still do care so much for her that she's the only thing that I can amuse myself with as a goddam muse...

How long is this going to last? I'm already starting to forget how her voice sirens or how her eyes sparkle whenever I make her laugh. I was obsessed with the girl from high school for so many years; will I really experience the same with the girl from work? She and I, at certain times, I really did feel we connected in a way I have never experienced with a person before. Does it mean we're meant to be with each other, unfortunately not. But right now, with no other options in sight, she is the only woman on my mind and within my heart. I don't know if she's right for me, and I don't know whether we two could have worked out as a couple. All I know is, unless things change drastically for the better from this point on, I guess we'll never know the answers to the questions I hold dear in my heart...

So what does this mean for this download site of mine, now that it's eight years old? Will 2008 be yet another year of whining and complaining and grating on the nerves about this girl at work who presumably won't speak to me ever fucking again? Or will I somehow move on, that I will somehow deal with the situation, and either realize that she just wasn't the right one for me, or that even if I do actually love her, it's best to just let her go and let her be happy. She needs to find herself, and only then, if only, would I ever stand a chance of being with her. But until then, to be perfectly honest, aside from the same old stories and the same old wives' tales about the girl at work, I really don't know what to fucking goddam write...

... I'm getting too old for this shit...

... eight years too old, to be exact...

I've written a lot on this download site of mine...

... a hell of a lot... too fucking much...

... eight years worth to this day...

And the real question beckons, where do I go from here?...

... how do I learn to fucking move on?...

... how do I learn to just let go?...

Over the course of eight fucking years, have I really grown at all?...

... maybe, maybe not... but does it really matter anymore?...

... I'm here afterall, with history...

I started this website so that I would never forget what I've lived...

... but sometimes, I don't know why I write anymore...

... I just know that I do...

Y2kk Update: I had hoped for the best for the past year...

... I was really hoping that the year of 2007 would bring me good luck...

If anything, in proper and objective retrospect, I think things overall have gone alright. There have been ups and downs and so many problems along the way, but I think most were dealt with and reasonably dealt with well by this point in time. Whatever issues I faced, I did find some closure, coincidentally during this holiday season no less. Not sure how or why that worked out, but for the most part, it all did...

My grandparents at the start of the year were ill as hell. Well, my grandmother has Alzheimer's and there's really nothing we can do about that, and then we had that scare in the middle of the year with the bladder infection that still plagues her to this day. But on the bright side, while her memory has faded, her smile has not. Over the past holiday season, she's been laughing and chatting the rest of the family up like she used to long before she got sick. Hell, she even started bringing up the fact that my brother found a nice girlfriend; when will I do the same? She's been pushing me for ages to finally get hitched and give her some grand-children. While obviously I have to take things at my own pace, I wish I could make her dreams come true...

Meanwhile, my grandfather started the year off with a busted hip. He was obviously really upset that his own health was deteriorating, but he was also worried as hell about his wife of so many years. In the middle of winter, my grandpa also developed pneumonia, which scared the shit out of us back home as he was segregated from the rest of the family for almost a month. Thank God though, that he pulled through his sickness and he was back to his normal, grumpy self by Christmas. While he still can't walk properly, he's come to accept the fact that there are still so many things to be happy and thankful for. He still has his own memory afterall, enough so that he too chimed in with his two cents, interrogating me at several points during the festivities for not having a girlfriend and making my mother happy. I wish I could make everyone's dreams come true in that regard, as all year round all I hoped for was to find a nice woman to finally share my time and heart and desires with. But je suis desolee, I guess some things are just not meant to be...

Job wise, I finally settled into my role at my company. Obviously, there were lots of hiccups along the way, specifically certain managers who made life a living hell for me either through ignorance or sheer incompetence or goddam completion of both to the highest nth degree. But things are starting to look up for me now, at least monetary and title wise. I was finally promoted at my job; as of January 1st, I will officially be an intermediate developer at my company. That brings a bit of extra responsibility to me, although that doesn't mean much in such a small dotcom remnant of a corporation. It also forces me to treat my parents out to a big ol' fashioned "thank you" dinner with Shark Fin Soup sucking up my wallet, to go along with all the meal festivities of Christmas, Chinese New Year's, and my sister's own upcoming wedding in late January no less. And yes, I am excited about my promotion, as it feels good to finally be recognized after three years of being in the industry by this point. Of course, the novelty factor will wear off soon, but at least for the time being, it's the thought and recognition that counts...

Of course, knowing me and everything I've written on this website of mine, I would throw and trade away all my success for a single, second chance at winning the hand of the girl I knew at work...

Now, it's been weeks since I last spoke with her, besides a few generic, sweeping statements sent to each other for Christmas and Happy Holidays. Over this period of absolute abysmal depression and repressive solitude, there have been a few rare moments of clarity, clear as mud, where I do realize that she and I right now are just not right for each other, that we're just not meant to be for now. My brother brought his girlfriend over for the Christmas holidays, and of course my sister has been bringing her fiance to these parties for quite some time now. The thing is, I can't imagine the girl at work right now fitting in and impressing my family the way that my siblings' significant others have. I fell in love with the girl at work, I admit that, but I just don't feel like she's the type of girl that would show the proper maturity and respect right now to truly win over my family and relatives. I don't know if she's really the type of woman yet, that I can bring home to the family...

And I quite honestly don't know if I would be the kind of man that her parents and friends could possibly be proud of. Sure, I think I made at least some sort of decent impression at the company Christmas Party, but who knows what was said behind my back after the girl and her mother left in the other taxi cab? I've been a horrible and horrendously immature person when dealing with the girl at work and all the friends that she cares about. How could I ever truly be anything but an embarrassment to her if she took me home for the holidays? Hell, I'm still a royal, child-like pain in the ass when it comes to my own family, but being accepted into her family and her into my own is a whole different level of the game. It's all something that I've been dreaming about for so long now, even since the holidays from last year to be honest, to find a girl that my family will truly accept and respect and cherish. But unfortunately, it's just not a dream that I feel can come true at this point in time, and not for the foreseeable future if she truly is not the one...

Basically, what I'm saying is, did she and I ever have chemistry? Will there be any hope for us in the future? Was I just being blind, hoping to get together with the first girl who actually had a crush on me the same time I had a crush on her? She did meet my brother, and I have asked him if he ever saw that kind of romantic chemistry and electricity between her and I that I always feel myself in the right situations with her. There are real live moments with her where I just want to literally sweep her off her feet and give myself completely over to her laugh and smile. But really, was I just blind? I've asked my brother this, I've asked him if he saw any sort of connection between her and I the night that he saw us together. So far, he hasn't really given me an answer, which I guess is the real answer that he gave. I'm not sure if there was really anything there in the first place between the girl at work and I, but unfortunately, that doesn't change the way that I still feel about her right now...

Like I said though, moments of clarity over the past few weeks have opened my eyes more to the reality that she and I, we just don't work out and potentially never goddam will. Part of me knows that I was so hoping for a girlfriend in 2007, I was so hoping to end my sense and cycle of eternal loneliness for the first time in my life, that I made a woman who had little to no interest in ever dating me, into what I consider to be currently the love of my life. I mean, I really have no way to contact her outside of e-mail, which she never responds to. After a full year by her side, she still hasn't given me her phone number, and she still never chooses to appear on an instant messenger to talk to me online. If that doesn't say something about how little I mean to her, and how insignificant I really have become in her goddam life, that what will finally convince me? I was so hoping that 2007 would be the year that I finally find the right person and experience the intimate feelings that I've been searching for so damn long now. In the end though, I may have been forcing myself to see something that was never really there in the first place, I just don't know...

... and sadly, I can't help but have the same damn blind and naive hopes and dreams for 2008 as well...

... right now, I can't help but look forward towards the future with child-like eyes...

... for a clean slate and a clear conscience, I can only dream and pray...

The first step is to get over her, to let her move on with her life and to just continue living out my own. And I can hope that my experiences with her will lead to more self-confidence in the future, as she was the first girl that I ever admitted my feelings to, and I can only pray that will help, not hinder, my emotions when I finally do meet the right girl I'm meant to be with. As sappy and illogical as this sounds, I've always been a big believer in destiny. Now of course, I also do believe that life is what you make of it, but I just tend to lean towards the comforting fact that someone or something out there does have a plan for where I should go and who I should be. Unfortunately, while I'm only 25, I'm starting to feel the effects of aging and emotional withering, of being alone all by myself, still searching for that certain someone that will hopefully flip my entire life upside down. Maybe one day, that girl at work can become that woman for me all over again, but I just can't see that at this point. Yes, she's still literally the girl of my dreams, but since when have my dreams ever been right?...

My hopes for 2008 are exactly the same as they were for 2007...

... hell, I feel like this past year lead nowhere for me, except right back to the start...

... full fucking circle....

But in proper and objective retrospect? Things have changed, and I have become different...

... have I grown?... have I matured, as much as I hate the use of that word?...

... well, at the very least, I'm definitely not as naive...

I still can't stop thinking about her, and I still can't help but hope that she finds honest happiness this coming year...

... but seriously, does it really matter anymore?... she's moved on, and I should do the same...

... it's a new year for both of us... I need to forget...

It's a new beginning, afterall. Out with the old, out with the new, I always do say...

... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... as bloody hell much as 2007 was, at least...

I had hoped that this past year would bring me luck. Now, I can't help but hope for that same damn dream in 2008...

... and the same best wishes go out to you two readers out there...

... good luck, and good night...

Y2kk Update: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

... be careful what you wish for...

I know it's been almost a month since I last saw her. I know that I've promised myself that I would bite the bullet, swallow my feelings and pride, and just move on with my life like she chose to do so many months ago. I know I should stop being emo, I know that there really is no purpose or point in whining and bitching about her 24/7 on this website of mine any longer. If anything, keeping her in my memories and writing her into my goddam memoirs is what's keeping the dangerous, false pretense of goddam hope alive, that she and I may still stand a chance in frozen hell of ever being together. If anything, the best way to let her go and just live out the rest of my life, is to stop making her real to me on this goddam bullshit website of mine. I know, I know, I need to stop writing about her, but all in due time...

It's just so hard to cease and desist though, especially around this holiday season. It's the little things in life you treasure, and it's just the most innocuous moments in existence that you most tearfully miss. She and I, I don't really recall the last time I actually truly enjoyed being by her side. We were civil for the most part and mostly acted as friends when it came to our final weeks together, whether we were going out to lunch with groups or mingling with the guests at the company Christmas party. Deep down below the surface though, neither of us were really alright with the status quo with one another. And she showed it, ever so blatantly, when during the first moments that we ever had privately together, she would simply snipe my head off at close blank range. And me being the pussy-whipped, emo bastard that I am, I curled up into a little morph ball in the fetal position and barely lived to tell the tale...

This past week, my brother has been reliving and venting out the arguments that he's had with his current girlfriend. She came over for Christmas day itself and met the whole family of relatives, which is obviously a huge and pivotal step in their young relationship, a bold move that quite honestly has him spooked. He's scared out of his wits and I'm afraid that it's getting to his emotions, as all of a sudden he seems more on edge with her than he ever was before. In reality, all he's really doing is showing how much he cares, as deep down inside he's suffering from the fears and anxieties of personal insecurity, self-confidence, and the thought of losing her now when she quite possibly could be the one...

... ha, I know those feelings all too well...

So of course as I was counseling and consoling and just listening to him grieve, I couldn't help but relive some of my old memories with the girl at work, even if we never were in a goddam relationship. The thing is, while I'm sure 99% of you two readers out there would probably disagree, she and I spent almost every single day together for the past year, seeing and dealing with one another almost as much as an actual couple would. We went out on what I considered to be the equivalent of a few dates, although perhaps she never quite saw it the way I did. And we dealt with so many issues, so many arguments, so many goddam damn moments of jealousy and anger, that it seriously felt like we were a couple sharing all of the reknowned difficulties and none of the benefits...

... and sadly, I miss that right now... the arguments and everything, all too much...

I still remember that time so clearly, when she came over to my desk at stand-up and instantly just starting yelling at me in full public for something that I had no clue what I had done. She kept preaching and repeating, "say what's on your mind; say something", as if she was furious with me for being silent on some sort of shit. I had no real clue what she was referring to, except perhaps that I had recently given up asking her out for walks after work, considering she consistently kept turning me down in favour of the 40-year old fatass instead. And the thing was, I knew she was upset with me and specifically just me from the way she acted the rest of the day. She was just chatting at the kitchen lounge table in the office with her closest friend in the company, and the very moment that I arrived on the scene and merely waved my hand hello, the girl at work disappeared without even the slightest of smiles or words. She simply vanished back to her desk, giving me a look in the process that any man in a relationship knows all too well...

I know she liked me, I know she had some sort of feelings for me. I could tell she was attracted to me, not just from all those times early on a year ago when I would catch her staring at me with the corner of her eye, but also from the moments I literally left her stunned every time I wore a nice, new, blue shirt to work (which is her favourite colour... mine too, to be honest). But what was always most telling to me, was how relieved and overjoyed she was every time that we fought early on in our "relationship" and then made up. Every time we would yell or disagree with obviously never the most polite of tones, and every time I would return with a solemn and honest apology to try to make a man's amends, she would always turn out to be just so damn happy that I was there choosing to be by her side. She was just so overwhelmed with genuine relief, more so than I have ever seen her with any other friend, and more so than I've ever seen with any of my own friends to be honest...

Early on when I was first getting to know her, I remember lamenting on this website of mine how she never really argues with me, how I always wished that she would show some real emotion and honest to God concern for me, by letting me know exactly what was on her mind...

... ha, be careful what you wish for...

The thing is, as ass-backwards as this may sound, bitching at one another is really one of the most obvious and endearing ways that a couple can show that they truly do care for one another. By arguing over the most pointless and trivial things in life, it demonstrates without a shadow of a doubt just how much of an impact you have on their life and on their innermost feelings. It shows how significant you are to their soul. When you care for someone, when you have true concern, a relationship brings out both the best and the worst in the deepest pits of your personality. She and I, I could tell that we did accomplish this with one another, that there were times when we were just so happy and then all of a sudden, just so upset with one another, that it was almost as if we had goddam bipolar syndrome every goddam day of the week...

The problem that we had, was not that we got into so many disagreements, but that we never dealt with them the way a "couple" should. The thing is, both of us, we're such shy and quiet people naturally, yet with her I would talk her head off with jokes and she at times would blab on for hours about all the most cutest and flirtatious things she could think of. When it came to arguments though, we definitely did snipe at each other and we just couldn't hold back, simply because those feelings of ours could not be contained...

When dealing with the aftermath, when apologizing to one another and trying to make it up to each other, that's where we stumbled and that's where we most failed. There were plenty of times I said I was sorry, and there were so many moments when she would try to share with me a small token of a gift in remorse. We did move on from these situations, we did survive to tell the story with a smile the next day, but we never once dealt with the reasons why we were disagreeing with one another, we never opened up about the truth about why we were bitching at one another over the most trivial of things. In the pits of my heart, I knew the reason why, and I even tried to explain it to her the day I told her my feelings. But if anything, how she laughed at my deepest and darkest secrets in return, was more than just a clear message of a goddam metaphor for the rest of our "relationship", for how we dealt with every single problem we shared with one another in the months to come. We always concentrated on the symptoms, never the goddam cause...

The thing is though, no matter how much I wish I did try to explain to her why I was upset, no matter how much I regret bottling up my feelings all those times we disagreed, I also have to honestly and objectively look back at the past and realize that, what more could I have done? She and I, we were not a couple. We were not in a relationship and never have been. I know we were attracted to each other, and I know that for a while at least, she considered taking me up on my offer for a date. I know she saw some potential in me, the same kind of potential that I still quite honestly see in her to this very damn day...

But the thing is, when I revealed to her just how I felt about her, she laughed in my face. After that point, I was scared and hurting. What more could I have done? The few times I did try to open up again, the few arguments that we did have that I did try to truly deal with at the core, she would just wave me off and brush off my apologies as if it meant nothing. There were so many times that she refused to open up her own feelings, there were so many attempts that I made to try to get her to discuss our issues seriously in private, but she would never have any of it. Early on in our "relationship", I tried my best to reach out and get her to talk with me over the problems that were truly plaguing our goddam friendship. Eventually, after being stifled and scorned and turned down more times than I can goddam recall, I simply gave up on trying to get through to her. I simply gave up on us...

And since that point, everything between us has gone downhill. I made the decision to let her live her life, simply because she was acting as if I was never an important part of her life to begin with, and in return she lashed back at me and tried at times to pull me back. I did return to her, in some regards, as I did ask her out for a walk after work for the first time in weeks, the very day after she was just so angry with me at morning stand-up. She was just so happy there, I remember that moment so vividly and clearly, when I simply chose to spend my time with her and be by her side. It was just one of those joys that a man never forgets...

But the moment soon vanished, the connection we had just reestablished soon faded away once more. It was only a matter of a couple weeks until she started ignoring me again, for reasons I will never be able to interpret or understand. Every time from that moment on that I asked her hand out for just a goddam walk, she turned me down flat and cold. And I simply gave up on her again, I tried my best to move on and let her live her own life. Honestly, what more could I have done? We were never a couple, we were never in a real relationship. How can I deal with issues as if we were together, when we were never actually dating in the goddam first place? What more could I have possibly accomplished as a "friend"?...

There were just so many "what if's" that I kept thinking to myself as my brother was venting out about all his recent relationship problems the other night, so many goddam "if only's" when it came to this girl at work I've fallen for and I. I still wish things could've been different, I still wish things can goddam change, but sometimes a "couple" just can't deal with the problems that they have daily and deeply with one another. Sometimes, the truly right thing to logically do, is to simply give each other time and space until both sides realize what they've lost, and if they so choose, resolve their heads and hearts past all the pain and suffering to try once more. If you truly do love someone, set them free...

As they say, it's better to have lost and loved than to have never loved at all...

... ha, I wonder who came up with that fortune cookie bullshit...

... because maybe they should try their own advice...

I miss her. I so very honestly do miss her...

... I miss her smile... I miss her laugh...

... I miss the glimmer in her eyes when I finally did something right...

Hell, I miss the arguments... all of them, really...

... I miss the debates... I miss the fights...

... I miss the feelings, deep down inside, that she cared...

Because be careful what you wish for, right?...

... for ay, there lies the rub, of the best and worst of times...

... of "what if's", of "if only's", of what goddam could have been...

I know, I know, we were never a couple, and we were never in a real relationship...

... I know that I should just get over her, I know I shouldn't be so goddam emo...

... but none of this changes the way I feel, none of this will change the fact that I miss her...

I did try. I did try to reach out to her, I did try to be by her side...

... but sometimes, no matter how you feel... sometimes, it's just not meant to be...

... she and I, right now, her and I... it's just not meant to be...

Which is why I must stop writing about her, which is why I must forget and forgive...

... it's the only way to move on, it's the only way to deal...

... and I believe, it's what she would want...

Y2kk Update: I wish... I wish things were different...

I'm not going to say I'm miserable... but there are definitely times when it does feel that way...

Not an hour of the day goes by where I don't think of her, where I don't envision her face. And every single time I do, I fall and lapse once more into depression, as it's just so hard to let go. It's just so damn hard to move on...

She and I, we were never a couple. We were never really together, we were never in love. Now, I have no clue whether what I felt for was ever real or not. I've had obsessions before in the past, right? My one from high school, it took me months to get over her, and I still remember all those sleepless nights I had thinking of her 'till the crack of dawn. Nothing was real back then, my feelings for her were nothing but a crush. Why would things be different here then, with this girl from work that in all honesty, I never really knew at heart. That's what I try to reason with myself, that's what I try to believe...

Things just feel different this time, you know? I don't know if words can explain how or why, but there's just this emptiness and loneliness I feel now, as if my heart can't find the strength to beat or breathe. She and I, we were never a couple, yet there were just so many times we were talk and smile and argue over all the little things that a couple in love would discuss. There were so many times I fell into her eyes, there were just so many times that I was so happy for her for all she had done and achieved, that it really did feel at moments like we were together, it really did feel at times like she could be the one. She was the first and only girl I've ever admitted my feelings to, and that just shows how damn strongly I felt for her at the time, and still do to this day...

She laughed in my face when I told her, she mocked my feelings when I tried to show her how much I care. I've tried so hard to forgive her for that, but it's just not something that a man can forget. Why did she have to react that way? Why couldn't she have treated my feelings with proper dignity and respect? Why did she never even apologize for it, instead rolling her eyes at me the following days after when it was obvious that I couldn't handle the pain and torture of dealing with the way I felt. Why did she show absolutely no concern or compassion for me, neither as a romantic interest or even as a goddam friend. She treated me like a joke, yet for some goddam reason, I never lost my feelings for her. I still care for her the same damn way and the same damn amount as I did all the way back in June. Why is that? What is it in her that makes me feel this way?...

There was this girl back at the University of Toronto who was always surrounded by a flock of men. She was never particularly good looking to me, she being a computer science geek of a girl and all, but I remember often staring at her in fourth year, enchanted by her aura and glow and glint of her glasses somehow. I remember her being a tall Chinese girl, just average looking for the most part, yet I found her simplistic allure to be somehow simply irresistible. I didn't have a real crush in my fourth year of university, because I never got to know this girl that I kept staring at whenever we crossed paths in the hallways. Like I said, she was always surrounded by an entire gaggle of men all obviously pining for her attention and hand. And to be honest, I don't remember much of this woman I saw from time to time, except that for some odd reason, I found her absolutely enchanting and beautiful. I never did figure out her name, and I never did find out who she was...

Two years later, I remember just standing there at an All Hands Meeting at work, and seeing this tall, Chinese girl in a simple, green T-shirt on the other side of the room. I was smitten with another girl at a different office so I didn't really think much of the girl at work at the time, although I can remember two small little details that had instantly popped into my sweltering head. I remember finding her cute and adorable, thinking to myself that even if I didn't know why, this woman standing across the hallway from me was goddam beautiful. And the next thought that went racing through my mind was, somehow this girl at work, she seemed familiar to me. And the first thing I thought of was that mystery woman that kept passing me by at the University of Toronto. Both of these ladies were the same height, with the same looks and the same style of clothing. Could they possibly be the same person? I didn't think much of it at the time and I still don't know the answer to the question, but the feeling I got of deja vu certainly did leave on me a long, lasting impression...

Since the day I asked her out, since the day I opened my heart to her and got laughed back in the face in return, things just haven't been right between her and I, things just haven't been the same. And why should they be, considering my world was completely ruined when I told her how I felt and realized how little she cared for me. It always means something deep to me, when somebody trusts and confides in you with the deepest and darkest secret they can possibly share, yet it meant nothing to her. Everything I've ever done for her, whether it was inviting her out to dinner at night or giving her that goddam Luigi doll as a goodbye present before she left the company, she has never given a goddam shit about any of the thought and care I put into the things I do for her. She never appreciates me, she never respects me, and it all started from the very damn day she laughed in my face. Things just haven't been the same since then, or perhaps my eyes had simply been opened for the first fucking time, I may never really know...

The night that she and I were supposed to go alone to watch Pirates of the Caribbean together, I was so disheartened when she told me she was bringing a third wheel of a friend along for the night. Looking back, I really shouldn't have been as jealous as I was at the time, but I had honestly set my sights on a private dinner between just her and I to try to fix things between us after I revealed to her my feelings. And in all honesty, as my previous download updates will attest to, the night was a complete disaster for me. It started off with I being both completely exhausted and jealous as hell, and ended off with me absolutely loathing the guts of that man who simply stole the show and shut me the hell up. He never let me speak, he never gave a damn about anything I had to say, and all he really gave a shit about was keeping the conversation and the night private between him and the girl I knew at work. I was completely invisible, and while partly that was my fault, there was just nothing as a "nice guy" I could've done to make him recognize me as a goddam fucking human being. It was either interrupt him or ignore him, and sadly as the shy loner of a bastard that I am, I shunned myself away with the latter...

The girl at work, I don't know why, but she never chose to even spend time with me. I understand the fact that perhaps she simply did not care for any of the gifts or dinners that I offered her over the months, as she's simply not the type of person to be materialistically spoiled like that. She is however, emotionally dependant on so many unsuspecting people, far more than she even knows, as crude as that sounds to say. She may never date a man, but that doesn't mean she doesn't sap and take as much emotional support as she can from every single person she meets. I know I'm making myself out to be real jealous here, because I am. But she just has so many friends, so many male friends that cater to her every whim the very moment she asks anything of them, that it drove and drives me fucking batshit insane...

She treats these jackasses like goddam jackets, putting them on to give herself warmth and comfort at only the times that she feels and deems fit. She uses people, partially as a way to make sure they stay emotionally detached at arm's length. She doesn't want to feel close to anyone, not really close at least, so she gains her strength and fortitude by sapping as much support as she can from as many different people as she can possibly fucking find, instead of ever relying on a single goddam person. And if that fails, she has her family to fall back on. She has her own little world where she honestly believes everyone respects and loves her, as bloody hell naive as that may sound. And while obviously, all my attempts to win her hand and woo her heart certainly didn't help matters at all, her own personal bubble universe of ignorance will never be popped until she finally gets close enough with someone to realize who she really is and where she really stands. She needs to be honest with herself, that's all...

She treated me the same damn way for the longest time, and to be honest, I mostly appreciated it back in the day. There were certain benefits to being a "backup" in her long list of goddam suitors, as she certainly has her way of making a man feel special at times. But after I told her how I felt, after I revealed to her my goddam feelings, I knew it was inevitable but things just goddam changed. She refused to spend any time with me, terrified of either how I cared about her or how she felt about the way I cared. For a while there, I thought the two of us were getting close, really close, to the point where maybe she would finally leave the comfort zone of her own little universe of metaphysical bliss. But maybe my timing was all off, or maybe everything I know and envisioned of her was simply false in the first place? Because from the very moment I told her how I felt, we became more and more distant from one another and there was nothing I could goddam do to stop it...

Hell, I invited her out for a movie and a dinner before she fucking left for a three month vacation, yet her preferred choice of activity to do with me instead was to walk to Best fucking Buy to pull off an errand for her sister. How the fuck was that supposed to make me feel, knowing that I had been relegated and reduced to becoming a goddam chore for her to be with? In retrospect, part of me wishes that I had just spent that time with her, getting to know her more to try to repair whatever issues we may have had. But I was just so insulted at the time, so fucking angry that she had turned down all my offers for lunch and dinner in exchange for wagging me around town like a goddam puppy-dog, that I couldn't help but shoot her down. At times, I wish I had been more patient, I wish I had been more honest and open with proper communication, but she will never know and probably never agree with just how much she hurt me when she shot down my offer for dinner. I was trying to open up with her, as it would be the last time we would see each other in almost a month, and yet she simply still did not give a damn. She simply did not want to spend any time with me, and I fucking got the message hard at point blank range...

That feeling of abandonment and loneliness has just never gone away. Since her return from vacation, it's been months and months of the cold shoulder from her end of things, ignoring me in favour of not just her massive group of male friends, but also every goddam other coworker in the company. And I know it's not just my mind playing tricks on me, I know it's not just jealousy getting the best of me. There were multiple days when every time we would catch each other with the corner of our eyes, she would just turn around without saying a word and walk off alone back to her desk. She was just so angry at me on so many days, and I honestly did not know why. I could guess and hope that perhaps she did develop feelings for me, that perhaps she was having troubles dealing with how she felt and how she cared. But unless she simply could not forgive me for all those times that I hurt her and potentially wounded her badly in the past, then why did she still refuse to spend time with me? Why did she still pull away to the point where we have hardly talked for the past two fucking months?...

I still regret what I did all those months ago. She had ignored me for a few days, potentially because of friends and family issues. I was angry at her not just for shunning me, but for also refusing to give me an explanation as to why she was being silent when I asked. She did apologize though, which is why I am still so sorry for what I did. I should have just taken the apology and accepted it with an honest smile, but there was just so much bad blood between us at that point, there was absolutely no good communication being put forth, and my irrationality got the best of me as a result. I lashed out at her, spat back her apology right in her face, and blamed her for not trusting me and not confiding in me the way she used to all those months ago. I knew at the time that by doing this, I could be ruining whatever chance I had with her in the future, of ever being together as I dreamed. I didn't listen to my heart at the time, and I've paid the price for it dearly. I was right, my gut feeling has never been wrong. What I did was inexcusable, and I know in my heart that she has never truly forgiven me for that day, no matter how sorry I may feel inside. Whatever I feel, whatever emotions I bare as my burden, she has and simply will never goddam care...

It all ended the final week that I asked her out to lunch in summer. She had finally started talking to me again after how awful I was with her when it came to rejecting her apology. I was hoping once again that this lunch would be just between her and I, as a private time to discuss our personal issues, but I really should have known better. As always, just like she always has done, she invited that fatass coworker of ours as the third wheel at the lunch table, and once again I found myself on the outside looking in through the looking glass. Part of the reason I acted as I did was because I was ill, and another reason was obviously that I was angry and jealous. Even so, it was just so rude of that other coworker of ours to ignore me and shaft me and interrupt me in all the ways that he did that afternoon. I was completely disrespected, and the girl at work just got so fucking fed up with trying to deal with my emotional insecurities, that it was the end of everything that we had...

She's told me that before, that she simply cannot deal with how mentally weak I am, in more ways than one. I'm not a fan of big groups, and I especially resent her for constantly putting me in situations with inconsiderate assholes at a three-way conversation. If she had any concern for me, if she gave any sort of shit for my welfare, then either she would've given me a private audience with her at some meal or another, or she would have invited four people to the party so that I wouldn't have felt so ousted every fucking time she and the 40-year old fatass would talk amongst themselves. She will never understand the kind of horrible situation I was put into then and there, and how god-awful I was hurt by the simple fact that she constantly refuses to spend any private time with me. From that moment on, she just completely gave up in dealing with me, and I couldn't even get her to walk with me after work together to the train station any longer. It was all over from that moment on, and she sealed it with with a goddam apology of closure...

It was the last warm Friday of the summer, and it certainly was odd and ironic how that turned out to be the case. I was leaving work at the time, feeling horribly rejected by the fact that the girl at work refused to walk with me once again that night. When I got outside, I saw her just standing there alone on the curb-side, apparently waiting for that dork of a friend of hers that had made me feel like shit the time that we all went to the movies. I started talking with her there, just to say goodbye for the weekend and everything, and I could so certainly tell that she was hurt and hesitant to even speak with me then and there. She apologized to me though, that she hasn't been able to talk with me for the entire past week. She claimed she was busy, but I really did know the truth. She's told me that I lie, that I don't speak the truth to her, and that point I suppose I do concede. But here she was, refusing to speak with me again, potentially lying to my face, although perhaps that was better than laughing right at it...

She was hurt, I could tell from the way her eyes would both swoon and weep at the same damn time. I wanted to comfort her, I just wanted to be with her, but there was another man waiting for her across the street to be her comfort, to act as her shining knight in armour. I knew then and there, that whatever we had, whatever we once shared, was truly over. I knew from the moment that I threw back her apology a month earlier, that there would be no turning back, that she may never forgive me for what I had done, for what I had failed to do. But here, on that warm September afternoon as she huddled in the shadows, I could firmly feel in the pits of my gut that whatever we had was truly over. She did care for me, and I cared more for her than she will ever know. But it just wasn't meant to be, whatever we had, was just not meant to work out the way I had wished, the way I had so dearly goddam dreamt and hoped...

I could feel there, she was just so beautiful, as much so as the very first time I ever laid eyes on her. A sense of deja vu, perhaps. But things have truly come full circle. After almost an entire year of getting to know each other, we were both right back at bloody hell square one, just as distant and silent with one another as we were the very first time that we ever goddam met. She meant the world to me, I never wanted to let go, and I still don't want to lose her to this very day. But even if my heart won't let me believe, I know that she has no need for me, I know that there's simply nothing left to lose between us at this point in time. What I mean is, if we were ever in love, it was ever so brief as a candle. And on that warm, fateful September of an evening, that's when we truly did say our goodbyes...

Since then, even though I have lost her, my thoughts still wander to her every waking hour of the goddam day, and more often than not even when I'm asleep. She's still the girl of my dreams, she's still the one that I truly do feel that I've fallen in love with, even if we never really had the chance to become a goddam couple. But none of that matters at this point in time, I don't think she'll ever want to see me again, never as the kind of man that I wish she could see me for. It's now been over two months of silence from her, and two bloody hell months of grieving for me. There's just nothing I can do now, there's just nothing I can hope for, but to find a way to survive what I'm feeling and just move on with my goddam life...

It's the holiday season, I know, and that's partly the reason why I feel so goddam lonely and depressed. But the thing is, no matter the personal issues between us, no matter how goddam cold and barren her shoulder and embrace have been to me, I still felt so much safer and so much more alive when she was there right there beside me. The final day I saw her, the last day she spent at work, there were two distinct moments that will forever be etched into my memories. One was at lunch, when there were those timeless seconds when we just shone into each other's eyes and stared at one another for what felt like an eternity of harmony. And the next was when she was departing as the elevator doors sealed shut, forever ending and separating that gaze we had shared for a goddam year now...

I had never felt so close yet so distant with her on the very same fucking day. And right now, she has no idea how hard it is for me to just think straight without any thoughts of once again being by her side. I want to be with her, I want to talk with her, I want to sort out whatever issues we may have. But I also know it's too late, I also know that whatever we had is goddam over. It's so hard to move on, it's so hard to forgive and forget her, but what other choice do I have? She made her choice long ago, regardless of how much I wish things could change...

She will never know how much I cared for her. She will never know how much I feel for her still. But she will also never know how much I fear her, how much I goddam hurt and was goddam scarred by the fact that she simply did not give a shit about the way I felt. She laughed in my face when I opened my heart to her. In return, I threw back her apology when I knew these feelings could never be undone. Things just haven't been the same between her and I for a very long time now. Still, it doesn't change where I stand, the way that I still feel for her now. I'm trying so desperately to just get on with my life, but it's so damn hard feeling the way that I do. I feel like I fell in love with her, and I just don't know what to do anymore...

I wish things could have been different. I wish things could still change...

... but she's gone, it's over... I have to accept that...

... I have to respect her decision and just move the fuck on...

Words alone cannot describe how I feel about her, or what I'm feeling now...

... I wish they could though... I really wish I could write it all down...

... then maybe, just maybe, the healing process could start...

I do feel lonely. I feel abandoned, hopeless and goddam miserable...

... for six months now, I've just wanted to be with her, that's all I ever wanted...

... but she had no use for me, and I know she just never will care...

There's not a single hour of the day where I don't think of her, where I don't see her face...

... when will this change?... is any of this even real?...

... who was it really, that I fell in love with?...

Like I always do say, a new chapter in my life is about to begin...

... but I still have so many things I wish I could say to her...

... I still have so many dreams, so many goddam regrets...

I wish I could tell her my feelings, I wish I could show her how much I care...

... I wish things were different... I wish, I just wish I could say...

... I'm sorry...

Y2kk Update: That was not the way I intended things to end...

... that was not the way I envisioned our final goodbye...

... but since when have things ever went right for us according to plan?...

It was one year ago, almost to the very day, that I first realized I had something for her, some sort of feelings for the girl at work. It was at the company Christmas Party last year, and I still remember that exact moment as if it were yesterday. I was just standing there blankly, in the middle of nowhere, bored as fuck that I had showed up to this party in the first place. I had been at the New Jersey Nets and Toronto Raptors game an hour before, and I just didn't see the purpose of showing up in civies to a gala, snobbish event such as this...

And then out of nowhere came the cute, Chinese girl that I would look over and venture to at corporate All Hands meetings. I had always found her adorable from the very moment I first laid eyes on her, but I had never gotten to know her for more than a few minutes at a time. Yet there at the Christmas Party, we still barely exchanged words, as I ended up running away from her side within just a few minutes of her appearance. I suppose in retrospect it was a meaningless little moment between the both of us, with barely enough time to connect in the first place. But there was just something about her that I could feel just by being by her side. There was just a feeling I got with her there with me, that I still haven't forgotten and still haven't been able to deduce exactly why to this very day...

It's now one year removed from that Christmas Party last year, and it's been more than six months since I told her how I felt. It's been six long, agonizing months at work since I opened my heart and exposed all I ever was to her, only for her to laugh and mock me as if I had just told a goddam joke. It's been six goddam months since I last truly felt trusting and comfortable being by her side, yet I still find myself obsessing and lusting over here for reasons I have yet to ever goddam explain. It's been six months of fallout, of dealing with the girl I have feelings for but I just can't fucking express it, lest I be hurt so goddam gravely all over again. I felt hostage by both her hospitality and hostility, I really have. But I suppose, now that it's all over, now that she's finally gone, I can breathe a little easier. Or at least, I can hope that is the case...

Monday was her second last day at work, and it started off with me once again ignoring her over the instant messenger. I did promise her long ago that if she's online, I will always say hello in the morning and good night before I leave. And more or less, I have kept that promise, as of course I do still wave hello and generate a bit of small talk whenever I still find her in the mornings as I always do. I was still hurt and wounded in the heart for the simple fact that even after I started asking her out again after work, she still chooses to leave with that goddam 40 year old fatass instead of me. Why the fuck can't we just take turns, why the fuck can't I just even walk with her once or twice a goddam week? Instead, she chooses to stick by that fat man's side five fucking nights in a row, leaving me in the bitter cold all by my lonesome...

I was surprised though, that when she came for morning stand-up, she actually did invite me out to lunch for the first time in goddam ages. I mean, we had gone to two lunches the week before together, but the first time was initiated by me and the second was by my teammate (and the girl at work definitely would've preferred for us not to tag along that day). Of course, whatever elation and joy I felt for being asked out for lunch for the first time in ages soon faded away to nothing. I had originally thought I was invited to her own rendition of the Original Six, basically a small gathering of all her close friends at work. Instead though, in her own words to the 40 year old fatass, she chose to invite "the world", as in almost everyone in the fucking office who has ever goddam talked with her before. Lunch at the Chinese dim sum place that we went to was packed as a result. That's not to say that all those people actually gave a shit about her leaving, although I'm sure in her revisionist mind, she believed that to be true...

I was the trailer in the back of the group as always, so I barely got to say a word to her at the lunch. In fact, I arrived late enough to be sat at the "kiddie" satellite table, with just a few other people who I had been talking to on the way to the Roll S*n restaurant location. In fact, all the people that the girl at work actually talks to on a regular basis either cancelled on her due to other plans (which was very rude, in my honest opinion) or simply got to the Chinese dim sum place a tad bit late. Hell, that 40 year old fatass for instance, was lost and forgotten in the server room, as obviously I didn't bother to look for him there. As a result, that guy was sitting next to me at the satellite table, and the girl at work was surrounded by a bunch of people who were only there because they can tolerate saying hello to her in the goddam morning. Afterall, if you had a chance at a cheap, group lunch of Chinese food, wouldn't you take it?...

The girl at work was bored as fuck there, or seemed to be from my vantage point. She had that wandering, wistful look in her eyes the whole time, pretending to give a shit about all the people talking amongst themselves around her, with her as the goddam wallflower sandwich in-between. Meanwhile, I surprisingly had some decent but cliche discussions with the people around me, although obviously I still would've preferred talking to somebody that I actually gave a shit about (as my teammate had left for his Christmas vacation by this point)...

And as for the 40-year old fatass, I had to deal with his terrible table manners and god-awful lunch discussion topics. When offered half an eggroll, he took the whole bloody plate from the person who obviously wanted a piece as well. When taking food from the dishes, even though there were serving forks all over the place, he still dipped the used side of his chopsticks into the goddam sauces every fucking time. And the only goddam conversation he could start up was one about cheap dim sum food. God, how the fuck can the girl at work deal with this shit five fucking times a week? More than that, how can she actually like it enough to spend every fucking lunch and every fucking night after work with this guy by goddam fucking choice? WTF?...

Surprisingly, the food at the place was decent, and the price was affordable as well. I enjoyed my meal for the most part, but of course even five seconds of interaction with the girl at work afterwards ruined whatever satisfaction I had garnered. I was sipping the last of my tea at the time, which was when she came over and made a joke about how I was actually not gagging and choking on the stuff this time around. It was obviously a comment about the last time we went out for lunch, when she and I and the 40-year old fatass all suffered together through the shit stain known as the Red Te* B*x. So I opted to continue with the running gag, and just when I started to bring up a friendly little retort, that's when she just suddenly turned her back to me and walked out of the fucking door. I was fucking opening my mouth and just said my first fucking word, but right in the middle of my sentence, she fucking snubs me and leaves me in the fucking dust behind her? WTF?...

That wasn't the end of her curt and goddam inconsiderate behaviour towards me. Near the end of the day, when it was about time for her to leave, I was contemplating whether to ask her out after work just one last time, for old time's sake. By coincidence, she happened to venture over to my side of the office, although I knew that she would just ask the 40 year old fatass to join her that night. Still, I decided to muster up the courage to wave her over, and just when I was about to ask her out, she goddam cut me off. She inquired, "are you leaving soon?", and said it in a way that made it seem like she wanted to know if I was free that night. Of course, pussy whipped asshole that I am, I was expecting her to actually show me some fucking mercy and pity for once and finally take me up on my offer to just walk to Union Station one last time. So yeah, I told her I was free and available and ready to leave. And right after I had exposed myself, right after I made it known that I did want to walk with her to the train station together, guess what the fuck she does?...

She raised both of her hands, made a silly goddam putty smile with her lips and cheeks, and did a double take of a wave of goddam "goodbye!!!" straight into my fucking goddam face. And of course, that's when she just left me behind, taking that 40 year old fatass with her out of the fucking door...

... goddammit, she props me up and then shoots me down...

... just fucking great...

I had mentally planned and prepared for this though. Hell, I had even banked on the opportunity that she would just leave me behind like she did. If she had taken me up on my offer, I would've went to the train station with her, pretended to get on the damn transit, and then double-backed all the way on my return to work in order to give her the gift in the morning that I had planned...

... and yeah, you heard me... a goddam fucking gift...

... I am that fucking pussy-whipped...

She has treated me like total shit for the past seven months of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that I'll miss her, and it doesn't change the fact that I only wish her well for all her future endeavours. I knew this would potentially be the last fucking time I would ever see and speak with her again, so I had decided long ago that I would give her a gift to at least somewhat remember me by. The very first day she told me that she might be leaving the company, the very first day back in August when she said she had a chance, I bought for her a little Luigi plushie doll as a going-away present, simply because of all the inside jokes we used to share about the Mario Brothers. And since it was the Christmas season, I had always planned to give her a box of chocolates as well. Lindt provides some of her favourite sugars out there, and although getting her the milk ones wasn't anything special (considering she eats them all the time), at least it was a little something to remember me by as she shares the sweets with all her family and friends...

So I stayed behind at work for the next hour or so, making sure that the girl at work was long gone before I set up all my gift shit by her goddam desk. I provided for her two cards, one hidden and one out in the open, with the one plainly in sight having nothing but a message with no sign of a signature. I was worried that leaving a card open like that would make me seem goddam stalkerish in the end. I was also worried that the goddam cleaning people would steal the goddam Lindt chocolates I provided long after I leave. But I figured, what difference does it make if my gifts don't make it to the girl at work, or if she assumes it was someone else who had given her these treats? We have barely been on talking terms for the longest time, and I wasn't intending these gifts to make amends or any shit like that. I just wanted her to have something nice, to make her feel a bit better about herself on her final day at work, so what difference does it make who she thinks it came from? All I really cared about was that she got to feel a tad bit special, and considering I didn't know if anyone else had something planned to put a smile on her face, I did what I had to do, anonymously or not...

The next morning, I made sure to come into work late, simply so that I wouldn't have to deal with so much of the goddam silence between her and I in the morning. When I finally did arrive at my desk, I suddenly had a change of heart and opted to be a kind soul, messaging her a "hello" for the first time in two weeks. It turned out, that she did receive the chocolates and the Luigi doll, so obviously the cleaning lady didn't fuck up all the shit I had planned. It's just that, the way the girl at work made it sound over the IM, it felt like she didn't give a fucking shit at all that she had gotten a goddam present. She asked, "did you put the Luigi doll on my desk?", and when I replied back that it really was me who did so, all I received back was a generic "thanks". There was no emotion, there was no ecstasy, there was no real favourable delight whatsoever. Just a polite return of the favour, and that was it. The next and last time I saw the Luigi doll I gave was when it was buried in a bag underneath the huge pile of other chocolates she had received from people around the office. For all I know, my damn gifts are now buried at the bottom of the goddam garbage heap...

She and I did go to lunch one last time that day, in a company orchestrated one at a local pub known as Fi*nn's. She didn't seem nearly as bored as she was before, simply because she was closer to the people from the company that she gives a shit about. Meanwhile, I was stuck beside the goddam 40-year old fatass once again, and the only moment we talked was when I bashed him down for his dumbass ideas of how nobody would enjoy suburbia if city property taxes went down. As for the food, I've always hated this pub, and the shitty ass Seafood Medley I tried didn't change things one damn bit. I did enjoy the rest of the company I was with, for better and for worse, although the livelihood of my Tuesday afternoon certainly did pick up after the girl at work mysteriously chose to sit down by my side after her meal was all said and done...

It probably means nothing that she chose to sit next to me, considering the seat she sat down on was the closest open one to her previous location. Still, just a few hours prior, she and I had actually had a decent chat together after she said thanks for the Luigi doll. She definitely did seem a little surprised and a bit impressed that I would think about her warmly enough to do such a nice thing, although obviously she didn't show it in her words or anything more than some general politeness in the office for goddam once. She was pleasant, and I guess that was enough...

Here though, she chose to sit down next to me, and although we really didn't chat much, there was just something in her eyes that differentiated her for all these past goddam months when everything was strained between the both of us. There was this one moment, it was only a few seconds but a moment nonetheless, where we just looked at each other over a comment that somebody else had said, and then our eyes kind of just locked there, frozen in time as we both wistfully stared at one another. And I don't know, like I said, only a few seconds passed by, but it was just one of those moments that feels like it lasts forever, the kind of which she and I used to have all those months ago. And really, sad but quite honestly, everything about her there was just so goddam beautiful to me...

Her hair, her cheeks, her lips, her smile, the glint in her eyes; it was all just so breath-taking, that I think I didn't even remember to breathe. The moment, it only lasted a second or two, but we just sort of stared there at each other, not saying a single word, not changing a single expression on our cheeks. I don't know what caused it or if she even felt the same way about me. I just knew there though, that my feelings for her really have not changed. No matter how much hurt she causes me, no matter how goddam wounded my heart may become, she's still somehow the one for me. There's just something about her, that nothing that has happened between us for the past six fucking months can ever fucking take away from me. And quite honestly, goddammit, I just don't get it...

She avoided me for the rest of the day though. Whether it was that look that did it, or if she was simply too busy to bother with me anymore (she had a goodbye meeting with the CEO, for instance), I may never know. After that look we shared together, after that moment etched in time, she just avoided me at all costs, even when it came to her final goodbye. I expected her to come over like she had in the morning, all happy and giddy and ready to talk up one final storm before leaving. She had been happy in the morning, either from the gifts I had given her or from the sheer fact that this was her last day at this god-forsaken office. But now that the time had finally come, now that her moment of departure had finally arrived, just when I was expecting to have one final goddam conversation with her as one goddam finale? The only thing I got from her, the only fucking contact we had, was when she just passed by my desk and waved fucking goodbye with a slight of her hand...

Wait, that was it? That was our last fucking moment together? A fucking fling by my desk, with just one fucking word? How the fuck ignorant and goddam inconsiderate can she possibly fucking be? No, I wasn't going to accept that, I wasn't going to allow that to be the final fucking thing that we would ever say to one another. If we never do meet again, if we never do get to speak to each other, then I needed to get some goddam closure. I needed to get some sort of proper goodbye, otherwise I would never live down the moment, I would never be able to leave that look that we shared together and let it rest in the back of my long lost memories where it belongs. No matter how strained our relationship has become, no matter how hard it has been dealing with all these feelings that I have for her these past six fucking months, I would not let a single goddam word and a slight wave of the hand be our final last goodbyes. I deserve more than that, we deserve goddam more...

Even though she was being accompanied by the goddam 40-year old fatass and another coworker friend of hers, I decided to just get up off my ass and follow her to the goddam elevator. She gave me a diabolical stare at first, but this was her last day, and like it or not, I was going to walk her out of the door. When we got to the elevator (with the 40-year fatass leaving work as well to walk her to the train station), she motioned for a hug to that other coworker of ours, and of course he complied. They had a warm, friendly embrace, leaving me standing right in front of them, wondering whether she'd show the same damn courtesy to me as well. She didn't at the Christmas Party afterall, grudgingly giving me a handshake while delivering hugs to everyone else around us, so why would I expect anything different here?...

My instincts though, got to me first. Before I could think, before I could react, I motioned for a hug myself. But looking at her face, realizing her body language was not hoping for a goddam hug from me in the first place, I backed down. I had leaned forward, ready to extend my arms, only to withdraw and hold it all back, turning it into a slight wave and a solemn "good luck" of a sigh. The thing is, just when I was about to give her a hug, that's when her complete demeanor had changed. All of a sudden, it seemed that she desperately wanted to reach out and wrap her arms around me, and for a moment that's just what she was about to do...

As I came in closer, she started extending her arms. And when I withdraw instinctively, when I pulled back my hug to become a slight of the hand, that's when she looked so rejected, that's when she withdrew her own arms and looked so fucking hurt for a second. That look, it was never something that I wanted to see again, and all of a sudden, I had the urge to truly go in for the real fucking embrace. But just as I was, just when I was about to give her a real goodbye like I had always intended to do so in the first place, that's when the 40-year old fatass lifted his finger from the goddam elevator button, and before I could react, the doors slammed shut between her and I...

The last thing I remember is just staring at her, and her staring back at me. She didn't even say goodbye this time around, and technically, I wasn't able to say anything of the real sort either. We just sort of stood there as the doors closed in all around us, separating us for the final fucking time. That was the last time I've seen her, and it could potentially be the last fucking time I ever speak with her again in person. My last memory of her could very well be that very damn look in her eyes, hurt that I didn't even choose to hug her as our final goddam goodbye...

I never meant for it to end this way. I never meant for her to get hurt...

But two months ago? Two months ago, when she apologized to me that first week she chose to ignore me, and we never really spoke much after that? That's when it really was the end of whatever friendship or relationship that we had. If only it was the end of my feelings for her, things would've been so much easier, so much more simple. But regardless, it was back then two months ago, that we really did say goodbye. It was all the way back then, that I did receive the closure that I so desperately was seeking that last moment the elevator doors sealed shut...

I wished her good luck, and that was it. That was the end of everything we had...

... or at least, the finale of this goddam sad saga of a story of mine...

... with the next chapter of my life soon to begin...

I mean, just staring at her, frozen in time...

... unable to move, unable to say anything that I meant to say...

... that's not the way I envisioned things ending, that's not the way I wanted to say goodbye...

But since when have things with her ever gone as I goddam planned?...

... I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to speak or meet with her again...

... I don't know when, if ever, if only, I'll be ready...

But I'll miss her... I'll still think of her...

... I'll still dream of her... hell, I did today...

... the more things change, the more things stay the same...

I don't know how long it'll take to get over her...

... or if I'll ever truly be able to move on and put all this goddam shit behind me once and for all...

... unending, and what you leave behind, for all good things must come to an end...

Regardless of what has happened between the both of us, regardless of whatever becomes of her and I?..

... I really do wish her only the best...

... I honestly do wish her good luck...

Y2kk Update: The stories that someone will tell a cab driver...

You know that empty, sinking sensation in the pits of your gut and that chill down the spine? That's the exact goddam feeling I had, right after the company Christmas Party Friday night. I just had to get some things off my chest, I just had to tell the story to someone. And somehow, just telling the cab driver on the way home, letting loose on everything I had bottled up, helped me to gain a little bit of perspective back in life...

... suffice it to say, it's been a long week for me, but an even longer road ahead...

I knew Monday would be a challenge. After the girl at work revealed to me and my teammate that she was leaving the office for greener pastures, we immediately made a lunch date between the three of us, to celebrate her newfound success. Of course, it wasn't until that afternoon afterwards that she fucking broke my heart and shattered my spine into tiny little pieces by flat out ignoring me for the umpteenth time. I was furious after that, I could only see red, no matter how colour-blind I may become. But the lunch date was set and regardless of how I was personally feeling towards her, I promised myself that I would make sure I would do my best to keep her happy...

We went to Eleph*nt and C*stle, a high class pub downtown chain, after much deliberation and the usual procrastination from my side of things. She didn't exactly want to go and neither did I, fully knowing she would've much preferred one of her favourite little shops like Fus*ro's instead. But my teammate was pretty adamant about going to the only restaurant he seems to like in the downtown Toronto region, so off we went, along the way talking about a bunch of funny yet useless anecdotes of crap like Chuck Norris scoping out the remnants of a long lost plane. I was just trying to be friendly, and I probably pushed the envelope a bit with a few too many dumbass jokes that nobody got. I was nervous, but it was only a matter of time until I finally got the girl at work talking as if it was all natural, and we went forward from there.

We spent about an hour and a half at that lunch, just talking about her career path, why she was leaving the company, and where she was planning to go from here. It was both odd and frustrating how little she wanted to talk about herself at first, or speak at all in my presence actually, but I kept pressing the issue and eventually she started opening up about all the usual stuff we'd confide in each other, about the pain and torment of working at our current company. Overall, while I must say that the food we ordered was not of the greatest quality (and I could especially tell she was not happy with her meal, or being at this pub in the first place so much), at least I will say that I think we had a pretty honest and decent conversation between the three of us. Hell, my teammate even gave me a wink at one point while the girl and I were talking, seemingly hinting at me that she and I would make a great couple...

... ha, as if... if only, at this point...

Lunch was alright, and the walk back to work was filled with laughter and jokes, whether they be faked or forced or not. When we approached our office again however, that's when the girl at work suggested that we all go for a round of cookies as dessert. I was surprised that she would want to spend more time with us, or with me specifically, but I was delighted to take her up on her offer and of course we volunteered to go. And talk around the cookie table was, well, cookie cutter fluff at best, but it was fun Seinfeld shit in the end. The biggest topic conversation that came up was how my teammate there eats his Cheerios as soggy as possible, which of course both the girl at work and I venomently opposed with an Soup Nazi fist. And to be honest, I really did enjoy myself when we were just there at the cookie and coffee hut shop, chatting away about God knows what kind of pointless crap by that point...

Of course, that's when my teammate went to the washroom. And if only for a two minute lapse, that's when the demeanor of the girl at work suddenly so harshly changed. I was talking about the upcoming Christmas Party, and all of a sudden, she started criticizing me for not making friends in the company and for not being a people person. I took it all as a joke at first, just smiling and shrugging it off with my usual deflection humour. But for some damn reason, she was serious about all this shit, and she started looking down at me, critiquing me again for not being friendly and personable and as open-minded as she is. All this coming from her, all of a sudden, after two hours of her being normal around the lunch and snack table? All of this just suddenly happens, the very second that my teammate went to the washroom for a two minute break? I mean, give me a fucking break here. WTF?...

I still talked to her around the coffee table for the rest of our time there, but I certainly didn't say much to her after that. I put on a fake smile and forcibly shrugged off her criticism, and just went with the flow after she suddenly turned back to her normal self as soon as my teammate returned. I barely spoke with her for the rest of the day, not because her criticism itself had hurt me, but because even after I paid for her lunch and I was spending all of this time with her at the cookie shop, she still took the first opportunity she could get to goddam snipe at me. A part of me tried to justify that that was a good thing, that the two of us were close enough that she would trust me with that kind of harsh honesty. But the way she said it, it was all just so goddam angry and spiteful, that for the rest of the day, I really could think of nothing less and nothing else...

That was the end of our contact on Monday, as I never really bothered to message her after we returned to our desks. Tuesday was barely any better, although it did start off on a different note. She did hand out Christmas cards to almost everyone in the office, so it was only natural that I would get one in the morning as well. I thank her for not singling me out in a bad way, but I certainly do wish that she could've done so in a favourable manner. The card she gave me, it was just so generic, one that was picked from a box of junk with nothing truly memorable inside. And the only real comment she made was that we should "keep in touch, ok", in a cold sort of snippy way that suggested that we really are nothing more than coworkers, not even friends, and definitely not what I keep dreaming we could become together one of these days...

My dreams, my literal dreams at night, involving her have yet to desist. In the past, I've had so many visions of her just being together by my side, both of us as a couple, as we do the most mundane shit you can possibly imagine. It's like in my dreams, we're already somehow a wife and husband, and this week I remember waking up to the notion that we were holding hands yet bitching at one another for sucking so bad as tennis partners on the Nintendo Wii. My most favourable, sweetest dreams in the past few months were those two or three times when it was just her and I in bed, cuddling and swooning with one another, stroking each other's cheeks and lips as we couldn't help but smile at each other's warm beauty and gentle embrace. I kept hoping that maybe, just maybe, something magical would happen between the both of us this week to make my dreams come true. I kept holding onto the dream, that passion would take us over at the Christmas Party. And yes, I was sadly still optimistic that maybe that Christmas card of hers wasn't as cold and distant as it appeared to me at first glance. I was still hoping for something more, something that just felt goddam real...

Wednesday soon rolled around, and going into work, the only thing I figured was that it was my teammate's last day of work before he left on an early Christmas vacation. That's all I thought was going to happen, lunch between me and him and a friend of mine, to talk about things before my teammate would leave for the airport. But things didn't go quite as planned or how I predicted, as soon as the girl at work showed up at our shared desk-space. I guess I should've seen this coming, but being the generous man that he is, my teammate actually invited the girl at work and I out to lunch, since it would be the last time probably that he would ever see her in the office. I mean, WTF? He doesn't even give a real shit about her, the only reason he even talks to her is because I have always been friends with her. Now, either he was just being really polite or perhaps he was trying to fix something between her and I, I don't really know. All I do know, was that I was left wide-eyed and this time completely unprepared for yet another lunch with the girl I sadly find so awkward and maddening to be around these days...

For the Monday lunch, I had an entire weekend to psyche myself up and prepare for the personal stories I told. Hell, I even rehearsed in front of the mirror my tales of how I bought a new television, how I got double-checked for credit card fraud alert, and how special it was for my brother to come back and set up the Christmas tree. I had that whole Monday lunch perfectly set up to hide how I was feeling about the girl at work, and for the most part, my plan earlier in the week did seemingly work wonders without a hitch. But here, on this Wednesday, this lunch was completely random and out of the blue. I had no stories to tell, I almost felt naked in my nervousness as to how the fuck I could cover up my pain and loneliness this time around...

And to make matters worse, I knew that the girl at work already had lunch plans with that 40-year old other coworker of ours, the guy that she always goes to lunch with every frickin' day of the week. I knew, deep down inside, that she would be selfish and of course invite him out with us without telling us in the morning that she would. And lo and behold, just one minute before my teammate and I were about to leave with her, what else does she do but invite that goddam other asshole out? My teammate just stared at me for a second, wondering why the fuck he was coming with us. I didn't bother to respond with anything but my eyes though. I knew this would happen, and I wasn't going to incur anyone's wrath by standing up and saying he simply should not come...

We went to Fus*ro's that day, as I sort of hand-picked it for the girl at work since she loves the place so damn much. She and I, we didn't talk at all on the way to the Italian restaurant, and I actually opted to stay in line with that 40-year old coworker of mine instead of sticking by the table to keep her company. The food there was alright, I actually did enjoy the Chicken Panini that I had, and what was most important was that the girl at work truly did prefer being at that place with her current company (minus me, I'm sure) than anywhere else. As much as I can't stand what has happened between the both of us for the past few months, I still know in my heart that I'm at least content as long as she finds herself a measure of real happiness. It just hurts though whenever I look in her eyes, and realize every time that she will never find that happiness with me by her side, that's fucking all...

I forget what we talked about at that lunch. To be honest, whatever discussions we had were completely forgettable. Often times I would look over to my teammate, and he would be clueless as to what the fuck we were supposed to talk about with that lumbering 40-year coworker there. As expected, what conversations we tried to start up were shot down as being pointless and irrelevant. Meanwhile, it seemed like the girl at work was enjoying herself a hell of a lot, laughing like a little school girl with a literal "tee hee hee" every single time that that 40-year coworker of ours opened his mouth. The only big story I can remember from him was how he thought a ninety buck espresso machine was way too expensive for him to ever afford, even though he really wanted it. And somehow, that line alone got the girl at work snickering and smiling more than I probably have seen her do so for weeks. Meanwhile, my teammate and I were fucking lost and bored as hell. WTF?...

The real story for that Wednesday came when it was just the girl and I alone, once more. Our fellow company had left us, with my teammate leaving for the subway station, and that other coworker leaving us behind at a traffic light. The girl at work, she had been perfectly normal and personable the entire time we were at lunch, for an hour and a half or whatnot, just like she had been on Monday before. But as soon as it was just the two of us together, I don't even know why she brought this up, but she did. I'm not sure if she was joking, but no matter so, I just didn't know what to say back to what she said...

"You lie. You are predictable. You lie."

I mean, WTF? Where the fuck did that come from? I mean, for the "lying" part, I had made a half-joke earlier that morning that I never lie, except for the statement I just said (ha). But here, she seemed serious, and quite honestly a bit hurt that I wasn't being completely honest with her. A few weeks back, she did seem pissed off as hell that I wasn't telling her something. And whether she was and still is referring to the fact that I am angry and frustrated at her so damn often for almost everything she does, then yes, I guess you can say that I do lie, if dishonesty and not telling the full truth is a lie. But how the fuck am I supposed to talk with her, when she never lets me talk? Last time I tried to ask her out for even five fucking minutes of her time, she spat back in my face that "there is nothing to talk about". What the fuck am I supposed to say to her then? She's a coworker and barely a goddam friend at this point. What the fuck can I say that won't make things more awkward than they are right now?...

I'm not saying she's wrong. It's just, I would love to be fully honest and open with her, it's my dream that I could be that way with her. But as long as I have feelings for her, deep rooted concern and care for her very goddam well-being, how the fuck am I ever supposed to be honest? She doesn't share these same damn feelings, and last time I truly opened myself up to her, she fucking laughed in my face in return. If I was going to be honest with her, I would be holding her hand and cuddling and stroking her tender arms as we fucking speak. I would be showing her how I care, not just writing it on a goddam website that nobody will ever read. It drives me crazy that I can't be honest with her because she would never let me be honest with her. She does not share the same feelings for me as I have for her, and she doesn't want to hear about it. What the fuck am I supposed to say then? How the fuck am I not supposed to lie?...

She is a woman though, and all women in at least some regards love to be showered with attention and comfort, physically if need be. I barely talked to her for the rest of that Wednesday afternoon after she was shaking her head down at me all over again, and we were both perfectly silent with one another pretty much the entire Thursday of a follow-up as well. There was one thing that caught both my eye and ire though, and it all happened the very moment before she left work early for God knows whatever reason...

I waved at her when she was looking for that 40-year old coworker, who was not at his desk at the time. He was talking to management, and I have no idea then whether she was planning to say anything to me at all in the first place, but she finally came over to me after I had waved my hand hello at her, and she told me she was leaving work early that day. That's basically all she said, that she would see me at the Christmas Party the Friday night after, and immediately after that she went over to the 40-year coworker and did something that was just so goddam disgustingly embarrassing that I don't think I can ever fucking forget the goddam sight...

At the time, this fatass coworker of mine was talking to two members of management about some server problem. And in a moment that I don't think I will ever fucking forgive, she went over and fucking started rubbing her cheek against his arm, snuggling against it as if it was some sort of goddam blanket or pillow in a goddam fabric softener commercial. Does she even know what the fuck she just did? Not only did she completely embarrass herself in front of the office, but she just made this coworker of ours seem like a fucking perverted fool by basically fondling a 10+ year younger woman right in front of goddam management. I know they're just friends (or at least, I hope they are); it's strange enough how she treats him like a girlfriend outside of the office, but in the actual goddam workplace though? Goddam, it's far worse when she does it in front of the man's entire fucking goddam team. I know that coworker probably doesn't give a shit, but why the fuck did she do that? What the fuck possessed her to get all snuggly with his goddam sweaty ass arm in the fucking first place? WTF?...

That... was interesting, to say the least...

... and that was my Thursday...

... the end of my work week, but never the end of my pain...

It was time, finally time for the Christmas Party that Friday night. And quite simply put, I was nervous, a nervous fucking wreck. Butterflies were floating throughout my stomach, not just because I would be wearing a suit for the first time since goddam graduation, not only because I was trying to mentally prepare myself to mingle with all the superficial people I loathe at work, but because I was terrified that something terrible would happen between her and I at the Christmas Party. All week long, after I would wake from dreams, I would see nothing else but me and her falling in love and holding hands at the party as if we were the perfect couple. But each and every day, after meeting her at the workplace, my dreams would become the nightmare that is reality, and I just knew that she would be cold and distant and probably fucking hostile to me at some point during the long, lonely, cold and dusky night...

When I arrived at the Christmas Party, at least I had a bit of confidence thanks to the boost that a decent suit and matching tie can provide a weak-willed man. When I first saw her, I admit, I was disappointed that she wasn't wearing the gorgeous dress that she had at the very same party one year removed from the day. She was beautiful back then, and I had been kicking myself for twelve months now straight, that I never told her how beautiful she was at the time. I was hoping for a second chance here, but instead of wearing her dress, she came in her business interview attire, the kind of stuff that she routinely wears to work once in a while. I told her the truth, that she looked nice and all. I was really hoping for a moment of passion or something, that she would look so beautiful in my eyes that we would just fall for each other once more. But none of that happened, as the only thing she claimed was that I "didn't look so bad in a suit", and all I could muster up, was that she in her office skirt looked rather professional to me. There was no moment, and now I'm not sure if there ever will be again from this moment on...

When I first got to the party, I tried to say hello to her, but she more or less ignored me after I joined her group to mingle. I didn't know what the hell they were talking and joking about, and after I was seemingly ignored (nobody there even said hello to me at all), I opted to just murmur that I would come back later and then I left. I spent the better part of the next hour as depressed as fuck, hiding it of course behind the charade of bad appetizers and a lousy dessert table. Last year at the King Eddy Hotel, our party was on the first floor and we had a whole room dedicated to the goddam chocolate fountain. This year, we were left with a single table on the second floor, and I just wasn't in the mood (after my introduction with the girl at work left so much to be desired) to ever see the glass as half full when it came to the shitty ass dessert...

Still, I tended to hover around that table, simply because I didn't have anything better to do, and that's when someone most unexpected showed up to get some fruit. I had forgotten, to be honest, that the girl at work was bringing her own mother to the Christmas Party as her guest. Considering how socially awkward that must be to a) be chaperoning your own mother, and b) for your mother to be meeting all your coworkers after you become an adult, I sort of thought that the girl at work had originally mentioned this whole guest routine as a goddam joke. I guess not though, as I instantly recognized the resemblance between her and her own mother at the dessert table where I was standing. And without thinking about it, without hesitation, I couldn't help myself. I introduced myself and extended my hand to welcome her...

We talked about the little things of chit-chat, about how she was feeling that day and how her family was doing. I was just being polite, conservative and friendly, showcasing that I was a normal, stable guy yet knew about the girl at work enough to indicate that she and I were friends. Or at least, we used to be, although of course I didn't reveal that part of the equation. And her mother, she was surprisingly very open and very warm to me. I'm not sure if she was like that with every other guest at the party, but she kind of seemed to enjoy talking to me a lot...

It wasn't long until the girl at work returned to check up on what was keeping her mother from the table with her friends, and at first, it did seem like she was not happy at all that I was communicating with her mother. But that didn't stop me from making more small talk, whether it was about going to university or about my parents' trip to Hong Kong, I just told a lot of stories and listened to quite a few of them from her own mother as well. And her mom, surprisingly was extremely receptive. She not only responded to a lot of my comments and laughed at a lot of my jokes, but she even chimed in on a lot of subjects that I never would've suspected she would be knowledgeable about in the first place...

And just like she did on Monday and Wednesday at lunch, almost as if to save face, the girl at work was laughing and adding her own comments to the forum foray as well. To be honest, if any outsider had seen the three of us then and there, with the girl and I talking so leisurely and comfortably with her own mother at a party, a person would honestly think that the girl at work and I were the perfect goddam couple. The reality is sadly, nothing could be further from the truth; you just couldn't tell from any vantage at that point in time. We talked for about forty-five minutes non-stop with her mother about so many different topics and facets in life, with never a real dull moment of silence in the process. Hell, the girl at work and I, we were even finishing each other's sentences. We honestly sounded like a goddam couple. WTF?...

Of course, the moment didn't last as long as I had hoped. It was only a matter of time until that 40-year coworker of ours came over to join the laughs and everything, and of course the girl at work chose to talk with him over me, although that's understandable after dealing with me for half an hour. Her mother was getting tired of standing by the dessert table, so when a brief moment of silence came up in our conversation, she opted to return back to her table and have some fruit. Of course, I politely obliged, and instinctively just turned to the girl at work since I was previously talking to her before that other coworker had showed up. Wrong move though, wrong fucking move, as I guess the two of them were having some sort of goddam private conversation that I wasn't fucking privied to. How the fuck was I supposed to know, I don't know. All I do know, is how the girl at work reacted to me just being there, by her fucking side...

"WHAT!?!"

That's what she said to me, almost yelled it out, and not because of the music blaring in the background. She was pissed at me, so fucking pissed for whatever fucking reason. Did she think I was listening in? Did she not want me to join her little talk, even though the point of a party is normally to mingle with groups? And fuck, I didn't even mean to be standing there, it was only instinct that I would turn back to her after her mother left to sit down at her table. What the fuck was I supposed to do? And what the fuck could I possibly say to her fucking screaming out at me, "WHAT?!?", as if I wasn't even allowed to be within thirty fucking feet of her voice. What else could I do but be taken aback, softly reply back, "sorry, nothing", and then leave the two of those goddam fucking lovebirds to be? What the fuck else could I have done? How fucking rude and insulting can she be, to be that fucking pissed off at me at a goddam party, just a few minutes removed from when we were seemingly having a great time talking with her own mother? WTF?...

That... hurt me badly...

... I tried to deal with it, I tried to talk with other people, but nothing really worked...

... I... I was hurt badly, and I just needed to get away for a moment, to gather myself together once more...

I spent the next fucking hour alone, just wandering around the other floors of the hotel, wasting time in the washrooms and just lounging about on the couches in the lounge, to clear my head of what had just happened. My nervousness that night had been replaced by hopelessness, as all my dreams that something positive could happen between the girl at work and I at the Christmas Party, had just been fucking crushed by literally one fucking word from her mouth...

She was just so hateful to me there, so fucking hostile, and I just didn't know what to think or say. I thought things were going well, in fact I was starting to open up inside all over again to the girl at work, since she honestly did fool me into thinking things were fine. I always end up lying to myself that things can be patched up, that everything could be alright again. I spent the next fucking hour alone, just trying to recompose myself and get ready for the long haul of the night. She wounded me badly, and part of me was hoping that she would feel remorseful and search for me wherever I had gone. She never did come though, and it took an hour of goddam self-pity before I could finally pick myself up and face the fucking horrible, Christmas music all over again...

With most of the usual coworkers that I talk to now gone from the party, I had little choice in the end but to return to the area that the girl at work was. She was leaving the party herself in a minute, so after a brief word with her, I spent the next few minutes alone with her mother all over again. And I don't know what I was thinking, whether I was just still so goddam depressed from what the girl at work had said to me earlier that night or whatever. But for some goddam reason, I felt like being honest with her mother, to tell her the truth about some things, simply in the hopes that I would feel better about something, just anything that evening...

Now, of course, I didn't reveal to her how I felt about her daughter, but I did mention a lot of truths about how great of a person she is (or was, in my eyes), how she was trustworthy and friendly and funny and everything that a mother should be proud of. In a sense, I was lying since I had obviously not felt the benefit of these traits for a very long time. But in all seriousness and honesty, I know in my heart that if things did not turn sour between her and I over these last few months, the girl at work really would be the perfect woman for me...

She's smart and witty and cares about people a lot more than she will care to admit. She's young and beautiful and has an ambition and passion for people that simply cannot be ignored, if not admired. All of these traits, made her into the woman that I quite honestly fell in love with all those months ago. She was definitely the kind of woman that I could see myself potentially spending the rest of my life with, if only things had worked out the way I had hoped. But no matter how history went, the girl at work was a person to be proud of, and I made sure that her mother knew how much of a proper woman she had grown into and become...

And that was the end of the party, seemingly the end of my tale. People were filing out, with the girl at work and her mother leaving ten minutes before I did. When I was at the coat check though, I noticed they were still in the hotel, lacing their boots, seemingly waiting for a taxi driver. I was perplexed at first, considering that last year I just took any cab waiting for customers outside thanks to a free taxi chit. But the girl at work shot me down on that front, claiming that the taxi chat was only valid for one company (well, I knew that...), and that none of the taxis from that corporation were waiting outside. And right before I tried to start a new conversation with her and her mother one last time, the girl at work tugged at her mother by the sleeve and pulled her away, screaming "our taxi is here" without even saying thanks and good night to me at all...

I knew in this girl's mind, that the only taxi available to go home was the one she just called. And I knew that she also realized that she and I live only about a 15 minute drive apart, so it would've made perfect logical sense for her to invite me into the taxi with her. But when she got into that yellow chariot, I noticed she didn't say a word to her mother and she didn't say a word to her driver about any of this. I knew that all the taxi's in the area were valid for the chit our company had provided, so I wasn't worried about my ride home; I was only upset that the girl at work didn't even bother to offer. I didn't want to make things awkward for her, so all I did was leave for another taxi...

That's when the girl at work's own mother broke the silence. Now, I will never really be able to tell who was the one to eventually tell the taxi driver that I live so close by to them, but eventually her mother opened her cab door and called me over, saying that I should ride with them. I would've loved to spend more time with them, as still every second with the girl at work feels precious to me. But I didn't want to make things awkward for her, I didn't want there to be silence between the two of us, so I simply waved them off with a thanks and let them leave by themselves. I hope it was the right thing to do, but I guess I will never know. The girl at work had decided not even to say good night to me, I even forget if she gave me a wave. This was the end of our relationship, our friendship, of whatever sort of bond we had and shared. I wasn't going to ruin her night anymore than I already had. I only wanted her to be happy; how did things go so wrong?...

I just sort of watched them leave... alone...

... and got into the next cab, seemingly signifying the start of the next chapter of my goddam life...

The taxi driver there, he knew I looked depressed. I sounded that way, I couldn't muster up any good small talk. He was wise enough to ask if it was a woman problem, and then I just sort of sighed out the window, admitting to him that the girl I truly had fallen for had just left in the cab before us. I told him the truth, that I feel like I am in love with this woman, but she has shown absolutely no concern or compassion for me over the goddam months. I didn't feel like telling him any more than that at the time, I was resolute in my silence or so I thought, until he brought up the one last vestige of hope for my goddam dreams...

Before I could even tell him the Christmas Party part of my story, this is what the taxi driver told me...

"My people have a saying. The way into a woman's house, is to face her mother"...

... and tonight, it did really seem like her mother saw some potential in me, or perhaps that's just wishful thinking...

When speaking with her, I was a bit silly at times, and probably talked too much for my own good. But I listened intently to her mother's stories, I gave my advice on certain situations, and I only had good things (and honest things) to say about her daughter, the woman I kind of feel that I've fallen in love with. And I guess now, I will never know whether her mother was just pretending to like me, or if she genuinely did see me as the kind of young man she'd be proud of her daughter to take home. All I do know, is that she was waving me into her own taxi at the end of the night, when the girl I've fallen for and wish so desperately that I can just talk to face to face, wasn't even looking in my goddam general direction. I had spent the entire night, more or less, speaking and laughing with her mother, keeping her company when nobody else really cared. And it just struck me as so odd, so damn insightfully coincidental, than this taxi driver here consoled me with oddly the only bit of advice that could have worked on a night like that...

So I told him the story. I told him everything, everything that I just wrote on this very goddam website of mine. I don't know if he gave a shit, I don't know if he has already forgotten everything I told him then and there, but it did help me to feel a bit better. It did help me to get some of these feelings off of my chest, even if I wished it was her that I was telling this all to rather than some stranger of a taxi driver man...

It's been a long and arduous and goddam ironic week for me, if you think about it. The one week where I pledged to myself that I would avoid the girl at work at all costs, the week that I promised myself I would just leave her be and let her be happy, was the week where I spent probably more time talking with her by her side than I ever have since months ago when we honestly did feel like a happy couple. This week, whether it was the lunches on Monday and Wednesday or all the time in the world I spent with her and her family at the Christmas Party, I have never felt more close yet more distant from the girl at work than I ever have before. The more time we shared, the more I tried to fool myself into thinking that perhaps we do stand a chance of making it through this together. And yet every time, she would crush my dreams like only she can, demonstrating to me the cruelest and most calculating of goddam cold truths...

... that she simply does not care for me, no matter how damn much I feel for her...

It's such a simple, sad story. I fell in love with her, she rejected me, I couldn't deal...

... I have to let her live her life, I have to find a way to just goddam move on...

So what more is there to mention? What else is there to talk about? There's nothing left to say...

... she has no idea how much I care for her, she has no idea how much I hurt...

It's just ironic, that in the week where I literally dreamed that I could talk to her about everything I hold dear in my heart, and the week where I fucking met her mother and connected with her family in a way that I so desperately hope is real?...

... it is the same damn week, where I find I cannot even whisper to her a goddam word...

It's just so fucking sad, that the only person I can goddam talk to about all of this?...

... is the goddam taxi driver on the lonely ride and road home...

And no, unfortunately none of it made me feel better for long, not long at all...

... just two more days until she leaves, and right now, I find myself so scared...

I still have that horrible, sinking feeling in the pits of my gut...

... the stories that one will tell a cab driver...

Y2kk Update: The best weeks always become the worst...

The best weeks between us... they always become the worst...

I was just so happy when she told me, when she told me that she found a new job. That's the one thing and only thing that she has been confiding in me for the past few months, the one thing that allowed me to know that she did find me a friend, the fact that she was desperately looking for a new job. And I still remember the moment on Wednesday so clearly, so vividly, when we were descending down the stairs together and all of a sudden, she burst into cheer with those bubbly cheeks of hers, and smiled out a sigh of relief that she had just quit her job. I was so happy for her there, I genuinely was so damn happy. I never felt closer to her, or at least I don't think I ever have, both emotionally and physically, as my right cheek was just centimetres away from hers. I was suddenly overcome so much with the urge to just hold her, to hug her congratulations and wish that I would never have to let go...

... but I didn't... I didn't even touch her...

... after our smiles met, she simply turned away... it all faded, and the moment passed us by...

It was strange, in retrospect. Her confiding in me, that she had found a new job and that she had just quit, was one of the happiest moments in my entire damn life. I was just so proud of her and for her, that her dream for the past few months had finally come true. All I could think of was celebrating with her. All I gave a shit about was the hope that she would be happy. And I felt sure of myself for the first time in months, all because she had chosen to confide in me something that I was so scared and paranoid would just pass me by. No, it was more than just her telling me, it was the way she told me that made me so damn warm inside. She was literally bursting at the seams with joy when she blurted out the truth to me, and her relief was infectious. I couldn't have been more happy for her, and I couldn't have been more happy myself...

... but it didn't take long for the moment to pass us by...

... for the best of times to become the worst of times...

All I wanted was to talk with her about her new job. All I wanted on Thursday evening, was to talk with her about how happy I was for her, and all the little details of her new life at her new company. I just wanted to share in her happiness again, you know? All I wanted to do, was talk with her that night, like we always used to back when we were close friends. I just wanted to be by her side and tell her how I feel. And at the time, I was just so blinded with love, that I had forgotten how much it hurts deep down inside how little she cares for me in the goddam end...

I knew she was going to go walking together with that other coworker that she spends all her time with. That was fine though, I was willing to tag along and just join in on their conversation. And I apologize if I made it seem like I wanted to kick this other guy out of the group to her, and I apologize if I was intruding on their own private conversation, even though they had plenty of time to talk with each other the goddam night before. Either way though, when I went over to the desk of the girl at work and simply asked her out that night, the response I got back was just so fucking insulting and so fucking degrading, that it absolutely floored me by surprise. I completely didn't expect her to just goddam ignore me the way she did, not after how much she seemed to care and trust in me just the goddam day before...

I asked her out that night, telling her that I knew she was already walking with that other coworker, but that I had things to talk with her and was just hoping to tag along. First, she turned me down, just flat out said no, which was fine. But I guess I wasn't thinking straight, and imagining that perhaps she didn't hear me clearly, I goddam pressed the issue. I repeated that I had things to talk about, about her future and what will happen after she leaves this company. I was really hoping to talk with her, just to speak with her about these changing times and how goddam happy I was for her then and there, but that's just not how she saw the goddam situation in turn...

She continued to ignore me and just stared at her monitor screen, eventually uttering one damn line that I will never fucking goddam forget...

"What is there to talk about?..."

... an innocent seeming question... but one that completely smacked and shocked me with its goddam callousness and ignorance...

What is there to talk about? How about, the fact that she just got a new job? How about, the fact that she's leaving this company? How about, the fact that she is becoming a developer and moving into a completely new field? How about, the fact that we may never see each other, except for token lunches with the rest of her old team? How about, the goddam fact that I was happy for her, and that I wanted to celebrate with a fucking night out on the town on my fucking goddam credit card? How about, the fact that I thought she was happy too?...

And since when was it a chore to go out with me anyways? There was a time when we would ask each other out, just to walk and discuss things together, every fucking day of the week. There was a time when she would even get upset if I didn't start talking to her early enough in the afternoon, and yet now, here she was getting pissed that I had the goddam courtesy and decency to walk over to her desk and personally ask her out? What the hell happened between us for it to goddam become like this? She has no idea how much I care for her, and what drives me the most insane is that she doesn't let me show her that I do care. She doesn't let me say a word. What the fuck was so private and special between her and this other guy, that I couldn't even goddam fucking tag along? What the fuck is there to talk about? WTF?...

I didn't say any of this though. I just sort of stood there, deer in the headlights sort of syndrome, staring blankly at how goddam rude and condescending she was descending from high above off her goddam pedestal. And no, she didn't stop there...

She shrugged her shoulders. "What is there to talk about? There's nothing to talk about." Then turned back to her screen, as if I wasn't even there...

And that was it. That's all she said, and that's all she wrote... there's nothing to talk about... that's all she had to say...

She had finally gotten her wish, her one dream that she has been confiding in me for the past fucking four months. And yet here, after her dream had finally come true just twenty four hours earlier, when we were so happy together that I was almost ready to kiss her then and there, she flat out tells me to my face that there's absolutely nothing to talk about between the both of us? What the fuck is wrong with her?...

... seriously, how fucking insulting can she be?...

She has no idea how much she can fucking hurt me. She has no idea how rude, condescending and goddam bullshit elitist she really can become. She has no idea how much pain her fucking comments burned in me as I simply walked off, not being able to think of anything clearly in my mind but for the fact that I am goddam alone. She can't be the one for me, not if she treats me this way. Not after all the fucking ways she's ignored me for God knows who else...

I just went back to my desk and sat there staring at my screen. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to think. And just as I had predicted, right in front of me, the girl at work left the office with that other fucking coworker in tow. Right on schedule, right on cue, the two of them left together, obviously with so much to talk about that I simply could not have been included. Obviously, of course...

Before you two readers can even begin to think that this other coworker has become her boyfriend or some shit like that, keep in mind that he's a forty-year old hag that so many in the office find goddam disgusting, for spending all his time with a twenty-four year old girl. Everyone I talk to in the office does not understand why the two of them spend every fucking lunch together, and leave together from work almost hand in hand alone. If they are lovers, it's the most sickening, disgusting situation I have ever encountered in my goddam life, but I know that the two of them being a couple is simply not the case. Instead, she feels safe with him, she really does. She trusts him, she confides in him everything, simply because there is no chance of them ever being a couple. He is a good man, I'm not disputing that, but the two of them would not be together ever, if she did not force the issue and choose to be there by his side. She's the type of girl who runs away from romance and her goddam emotions, and I simply cannot deal with having my feelings fucking goddam hurt every single damn hour of the day as a result...

And as I saw the two of them leaving, I realized something in the pits of my stomach and the core of my heart. That last conversation we had together, the one where she told me that there simply was nothing left to talk about between the both of us?...

... it was and will forever stand as the very last time we talked as friends...

... and one of the very last times that we will ever speak, period...

The next day, the very next hour, I started something that I should've began a long time ago. Seven months prior to the fact to be exact, when I first told her my feelings for the very last time...

... she's leaving the company in less than two weeks...

... but as far as I'm concerned, the woman I fell in love with left a long time ago...

I'm happy for her, I really am truly happy that she found her dream...

... but I've said it before, that whatever we had together is over...

... I will not spend the rest of my days living the life that I am right now...

Because the best of weeks...

... the best of weeks between us...

... always manage to become the worst...

What else is there to talk about?...

... there's nothing left to say...

... nothing...

Y2kk Update: It's been a slow week for me...

... well, not really... work has been a total bitch thanks to an early server push to production that went straight to hell...

I made a few gaffes, a few mental mistakes along the way, so I spent the early parts of my week churning my stomach in the hopes of fixing whatever problems I had made. None of this, or hopefully none of it, would've happened if only my stuff had been properly tested with a later release date to production. Management wouldn't listen to QA or I when it came to our warnings, but whatever, I had my faults and I did my best to correct them. And unfortunately, I feel like I've gotten sick with goddam ulcers along the way...

... although the shitty ass production push wasn't the only thing to cause me to feel ill...

The thing is, as usual, the girl at work is the only person on my mind. Lately I've been wondering, what is there in this for me? How am I even helping her really? What do I see in her, and really, does she honestly see anything in me? I've fallen for her, I really have. I wouldn't think night and day of her if I didn't. I just don't really know anymore why I feel and fell for her, you know? Was it just proximity, being the lonely code monkey falling for the only girl at work who gives him the time of day? Or is there actually some meaning here, some hope that one day if she and I ever do get together like I keep dreaming we will, that some connection will be there to sustain whatever I feel for her? Or are we really destined to become distant friends and nothing more?...

It's a cold, hard question, but one that I think of every time she honestly makes me swoon. What was it about her that made me fall for her in the first place? Because these days, it's getting so hard to remind myself just how much I did and still quite honestly do care for her. A large part of it in the past was just how happy I seemed to make her every time I made a joke, every time I heard her laugh, and every moment that we just spent together talking about things. Was the only reason that I fell for her in the first place, simply because she seemed to fall for me?...

The other week, after more than an entire month of silence from her end of things, I finally went over to her desk to just start some chit-chat. And she was just so damn happy and relieved that I was there, after an entire month of her choosing to ignore me, that I couldn't help but feel positive and optimistic about things between us from that moment on. And we did go out for walks to Union a couple of times since, although I would've definitely preferred to have been able to talk more often than that. For the past two weeks, she's pretty much denied my requests to just go out and spend some time together, except on Wednesdays when we at least seem to be able to walk to Union Station. And those days, while I can't say I truly do feel the same magic I used to whenever she was around, I definitely do go home with a smile on my face. Just being able to talk with her, when she's alone and honest and truthful with me, honestly does make me happy. It's the little things in life like that I cherish...

It's just that, even though I gave myself to her and opened my heart back up by asking her out again, it hasn't really changed anything in how she acts towards me. When it comes to any other time but the moments we walk together to the train station, and even during those most of the time, she just shows absolutely zero concern and connection with me. When I'm feeling ill, she never bothers to remember the fact or even ask if I'm feeling better. When it comes to talking to me online or just coming by my area, she rarely ever says hello or waves to recognize that I'm even there. She's still constantly ignoring me for almost everyone else in the office, even though at least she's stopped ignoring me every time I've been there right by her side. She still acts like I mean absolutely nothing to her, when I know deep in my heart that that's simply not true. She was just so happy and relieved when I showed up at her desk two weeks ago, but nothing has really changed or improved between us since then. I really don't know what to think of the situation or what to do...

A large part of me would surmise that she simply has lost interest in me, that all the mistakes and pain that I've caused her in the past cannot simply be washed away with a random smile or two here and there. But still, if I want any single reminder of why I just fell for her in the first place? Call me shallow or naive or whatever, but a single look is all it really takes for me to want to be with her all over again...

What I mean is, during the early parts of this past week, there were a couple of times when just by accident while we were talking, our eyes would just lock and we would go silent for a second while staring at each other, you know? We don't mean to, or I didn't at least, but it's a strange sensation that during the middle of somebody's sentence, all you can concentrate on is the face and beauty of the person you're with at that very moment in time. And it's not like it's just a one-sided thing either, as she too just gets lost in my eyes, if only for a moment. There is something real and definitive between the both of us, but it just feels so cold and barren when the only things that truly remind me of just how warm she can be, in the end only lasts two or less damn seconds of real time. Sometimes, it feels a lot longer, but it doesn't change the fact that almost every other minute we share with one another now feels just plain awkward...

I have feelings for her still. Strong feelings, that simply cannot be ignored. But the fact of the matter is, whatever bond she and I share, it's just not going to lead anywhere at this rate, not to the point to which I want it to become. She has her own life, filled to the brim with tons of friends from across the globe and a packed household with a huge family. She feels fit not to include me in that life of hers, as she barely tells me anything about herself as it is. After a year of knowing her, I find that I'm still no closer to being intimate with her than I was before, either as a friend or something more. She just doesn't trust me, and she doesn't seem interested enough in putting her faith in me to one day become the man that she might be hoping for. I keep hoping that the sudden silence of stares that we share do signify that someday, we might be more than just friends. But that's the same damn hope I had almost a year ago to this day, and now I find that I'm still just goddam repeating myself over and over on this goddam website of mine here...

Things just haven't changed from the way they were when she was ignoring me for an entire month, and thus, the rules haven't been altered as well. She's her own woman, and it's her choice in the end whether she wants to give me a chance or not. I'll always be there, more or less, as the pathetic little back-up in her pocket, pretending like I'm alright with just being her friend. I'm sure she has more than enough of those lying around for her liking, but even so, that's just the only kind of person I can be at this point, as it just hurts too much to try to let her completely go. But in the meantime, what else can I do but just wait and let her live her life the way she wants to live it? If she chooses to ignore me, if she chooses to follow some other path that doesn't include me anywhere with her, then that's her call and there's not much I can do about that. Not anymore, when she still chooses to pretend like I don't exist, even when I saw how fucking happy she was that I was simply there by her side...

There are just some days, that I can't even remember what reasons I have to stick by her side the way she treats me at times. This past Friday, I was feeling ill from some sort of stomach crap, and although I guess I shouldn't have gone over to her in the case I could infect her, I still gave her a visit to say goodbye for the weekend. The thing is though, she was completely unappreciative of the fact I was there, instead ignoring me to read up on whatever she was researching on the net for another friend. She acted like I shouldn't be there, that she didn't want me to even have said goodbye. I just sort of stood there stunned and awkward, hoping to come up with a topic to talk about, or for her to at least give me some recognition that I was alive. But she never did, she just kept on staring blankly at her monitor, occasionally turning back to me with a look in her eyes that told me to just go away. Whatever reason she had to ignore my very existence, I will never know. I just know that as much as it hurts and pains me to do so, at this point in our relationship, I just have to let her live her own life and move goddam on...

It's been a slow week for me, at least in retrospect. One filled with ulcers and depression and all that other shit...

I can't really remember much from it anymore. The moments just pass me by now, as I really have no good reason to want to remember anything that happens to me these days...

I may think of the girl at work all the time. She's the only true person on my mind. But it scares me quite a bit, that the only real thoughts I've had of her this week, were my remembrances of just why she and I can never work as a couple. She does not have and never has had any goddam real concern for me, either for my very existence or my well-being...

Even when things were relatively going well between us, she was still the exact goddam same...

... the more things change, the more things stay the same...

... the same old story, the same old shit...

Sadly, yes, I will always keep hoping, hoping for more...

... but really, I do know it will lead to nothing...

... one year removed from this very day...