Uh, my TSR programs are taking up too much conventional. I need to run my WC Privateer! Ack!

Okay, this is just my first tip so don't go psycho on me just 'cause it really sucks. You'll see, in a month or two if I'm not too lazy, I'll have a whole, hoe, huge list of optimized dos commands ripe for the picking... but for now, you'll have to make due with this crap tip. In your config.sys, make sure all of your devices are set with the command: DEVICEHIGH=. This will hopefully load the device into the happy Upper Memory that Windows3.1 loved to use. I'm pretty sure my SoundBlasterAwe64 came with a small app that will load devices into memory without having to do it in the config.sys, but I haven't looked for it in a long time. In the autoexec.bat, make sure that you put a LH (for loadhigh) in front of all your TSRs, especially your MSCDEX & Smartdrv if you use them. This will once again hopefully load stuff into Upper memory so your happy Wing Commander series can play with a smile. Jolly good, great, eh? If you want to learn how to edit that msdos.sys file (but don't touch that Io.sys! I did long time ago, & I didn't even have a boot disk ready...), go check out the Windos9x tweak section.

I want to play Dos games in Windows9x. How can I get them running bloody better, sire?

I dunno, I made a fool of myself today by jumping from seat to seat in 5th period, pretending like that's how I do homework at home... My classmates laughed to see such sport, & the dish ran away with the spoon... wait, that can't be right... uh, nevermind about that. Yes, we all know that Windows9x is really Dos7 with attitude and a worse GUI. It can still run dos programs, albeit with not complete compatibility (is albeit a word?... & if you have sex on a photocopier, do you get a double orgasm?... sorry, that was on Air Farce yesterday...). Ok, to run them better from within Windows, right click on the exe (or its pif file, either one) & go to its properties. In the program\advanced part, check off prevent the MS-DOS program from detecting Windows. If this doesn't work, check off the use Dos-mode instead. This is use actualy dos so the program should work, but you'd better make sure you set the right config.sys & autoexec.bat settings here. Of course make sure you've got your CD-ROM device driver, your mouse driver, your Sound Blaster Driver, & probably a good Video Vesa 3 driver like ScitechDisplay Doctor. In the memory part of the properties, make sure Windows is using protected memory and HMA (High Memory Access). This will make sure Windows multitasking doesn't screw around with the dos program's RAM usage. Set the convetional memory to 600 kb or whatever you can give it, set the Expanded & Extended Memory as high as it will go (although this effectively disables the ability to multitask in Windows for a while... are you thinking what I'm thinking?... probably not...), & set the Dos Protected Memory to 8192 kb or something. The DPMI is Dos' virtual memory & the little DPMI program known as CWSDPMI is still widely used today, although I hate how it uses 50kb of conventional memory or something rather... God, my words get, uh, how do you say in English?... stupidier every day... eh... & set the initial environment to auto. Whatever RAM the dos program wants, you might as well let it have it off the bat. In the screen tab, make sure the game runs full screen (even the prompt runs slow to me in a window... but then again, my computer's crap. Make sure Fast ROM emulation & Dynamic Memory Allocation is checked off. Fast ROM increases video graphic speed & Dynamic lets dos take away memory from multitasking... and that's a good thing. In the misc section, don't let a screen saver come out or else it could corrupt your dos program's graphics. Make sure that the two mouse boxes, the Quickedit one & that Exclusive Mouse one is off. Quickedit is the ability to cut & past from dos to windows (which really can screw something up in the clipboard) & the exlusive thingy prevents the mouse from working anywhere outside of the dos program (hey, I want at least some multitasking...). I'm not sure what Fast Pasting does but leave it on. I think it runs faster for cutting & pasting or something. As for the shortcut keys, I like to leave them on in case the game freezes & I wanna get out, eh? But if your game keeps screwing up, try turning the keys off & see if it makes it more stable...

Ok, now for the sick stuff... Look, I'm never gonna get married & my priorities will never let me have sex... yeah, in a way I'm proud but pathetic... I like pathetic... but if I ever do get some, I got some tips from my friend on what to do before sex. Of course, smoldering showers get woman hearts searing sooner than, uh, soap or something. I guess doing it all over your house's furniture gets the heart pumping too... just make sure you clean up better than Bill Clinton did. I mentioned the photocopier up there somewhere but doing it in a closet heps too. Don't get too worn out from screwing in the washrooms because I'm sure right after, the both of you would rush back home and do it there for a few hours or something. There's always that damn G-spot that noone can find, but it helps to use your fingers & keep feeling around until your hand gets drenched in liquid... But here's the weird one: let your lover masturbate while you're doing it with them. I mean, think about it. If you're giving them an orgasm, & they're giving themselves an orgasm, isn't that the double orgasm that we all fantasize about?... and then do it again an hour later after nonstop dirty talk... God, am I actually writing this? but I could never do any of this. I'm honestly too timid, if any girls are reading this. But this is what stereotyping comuter geeks do, & I'm a computer geek, born & raised. And honestly, reading about crap like is the only way I get hope for the future anymore... Isn't it the same for all of us, eh comrades?... Eh?... Hello?... Anybody there?... I'm cold & there's wolves after me...