Y2kk Update: Wow, it's a weird feeling to be completely done university for the second time. It took me two and a half years to complete, but I'm finally done all my courses.

I actually picked up my Accounting Certificate from York University a few months ago. I had officially graduated after completing all the requisite Chartered Accountant courses back in summer after I went through those awful taxation courses I never want to think about again. Since then, and after not being able to find an accounting job that provides the necessary credit to work towards a CA designation, I decided to return back to university this past fall for three final courses, this time for the Certified Management Accountant entrance exam that I still want to take. If I wasn't going to turn out to be a CA, then at least I could one day earn a CMA to help me become a project or development manager at a computer firm.

In a sense, I just wanted one last term at university, though I can safely say now that I'm sick and tired of education and I hope I never have to return to university again. After finishing forty engineering courses at the University of Toronto and twenty-eight accounting courses at York University, I can finally and officially state that sitting in a lecture hall and pretending to care about what the professor is rambling on about is not my cup of tea. Unlike my engineering days at least, I did attend my classes for Accounting (or most of them, for the most part), and it was normally the classes where I liked the professor and somewhat liked the core manual that I actually did excel at. I'd probably say that despite the fact that I never once rose my hand to participate, it was my Comprehensive Accounting course that was my favourite of them all. The professor was a Chartered Accountant with a background of actually marking the Canadian UFE accounting exam, and I liked how she taught through solely case studies and letting us basically learn the ropes of Accounting on our own. Many other students found the course difficult and very vague, but I actually enjoyed writing case studies constantly because it felt like I was finally practicing what I learned.

This past term with my three CMA courses definitely reminded me though that not every class feels applicable to the real world. I was enrolled in Internal Audit, Advanced Management Accounting and Strategic Policy Management, although the former two were only offered this past fall term at the exact same day and lecture time. As a result, I chose to only attend my Internal Audit classes because I didn't want to let my group down when it came to class participation. Advanced Management Accounting didn't have any group work but it did have a very substantial 20% class participation weighting, yet I didn't end up going to a single lecture except the required ones where we wrote our midterm case studies. I did extremely well in Internal Audit and ended up with an A in the course. As for Advanced Management Accounting, according to my final grade, I received a 75% in the class. Does that mean if I had properly attended classes and properly participated in every single session, that I would've earned the full extra 20% and ended up with an A+? Well, probably not, I bet the professor gave me some of my participation marks simply out of mercy. I don't think he expected that somebody would willingly skip out on 20% of their score, but I'm a special case, I guess.

I already mentioned that I enjoyed Comprehensive Accounting the most out of all my classes, but if I was going to pick the class that I loathed the most, it would be this past term's Strategic Policy Management. I think the professor was an engineer (from his iron ring) and he definitely played the part in acting rude and completely out of sync with his students and the rest of the world. He had a strict system in terms of grading and whenever it was challenged in class, he would just completely ignore all the other students' pleas simply because he acted like he never could be wrong. I was used to this kind of attitude from my U of T days, but it was a rude reawakening to experience it again. The only large presentation of my final term of university came with this course and for the most part, I'm satisfied with how I did. I'm still disappointed that I actually froze up and forgot my lines about two-thirds through my five minute section, but it wasn't that bad in hindsight considering I was probably given the hardest part to memorize due to all the financial calculations I had to prepare. We received an A overall on the presentation which I was somewhat happy about, but it was the rest of the course and how irrational the professor seemed to act that bugged me throughout the fall. I'm not sure how I fared on the final exam but I know I did quite poorly on the midterm, at least. I got perfect on the 50% weighted to the short answers (I was the only person in the class who got perfect on the case study portion of the exam), but it seems I still haven't learned how to deal with multiple choice after all these years. I still only got 4% on that half...

So it seems that I ended off university pretty much exactly how I started, without learning a single thing from beginning to end. Even still, I'm proud of my time at university, as there was just some itch in my mind that I had to get out by proving to myself that I could succeed at school. I did horribly during my engineering studies and I've always regretted it, and while obviously I didn't put my full heart into my Accounting studies either, I ended up with an overall B+ average when all marks are factored in, or possibly even an A when you only take my Chartered Accountant courses into account. I will never want to live through the experience again, but I'm actually proud that I was able to not only handle all the tests and exams but also all the group projects and presentations I had to deal with on nearly a per course basis. I've had more PowerPoint slides and interactive question sessions in front of crowds in a single term than I ever had in all my previous schooling and jobs combined. I don't even know how I survived, but my nightly routine was to stay up late almost every night to 2 or 3 am to study and work on assignments while still managing to commute to my full time job the very next morning. Like I keep saying, I'm done and tired of school as I've definitely scratched that itch of ever wanting to go back again. Still, I don't regret a single moment that I spent in a lecture hall or writing frantically on a case study exam. Even if I never do end up getting an accounting job like I originally envisioned, I feel like I finally accomplished something that I set my mind to, for one of the first times in my life. That honestly means something to me.

Anyway, I know it's rather pretentious of me to boast about all the things I've achieved, but after two and a half years of going to university full time while also working a full time job? Well, I think I've earned the right to at least pat myself on the back for a brief moment in time, especially on this webpage that I know nobody will ever read. So without further ado, while I know I already posted the full list on my Tweakui site, below is the final list and my last hurrah of all the Accounting courses I managed to complete at York University...

... ahem...

1. AK ECON 1000 - Introduction to Microeconomics (Summer 2009)
2. AK ECON 1010 - Introduction to Macroeconomics (Summer 2009)
3. AK ADMS 1000 - Introduction to Administrative Studies (Fall 2009)
4. AK ADMS 2200 - Introduction to Marketing (Fall 2009)
5. AK ADMS 2320 - Introduction to Statistics (Winter 2010)
6. AK ADMS 2400 - Introduction to Human Resources (Winter 2010)
7. AK ADMS 2500 - Introduction to Financial Accounting (Fall 2009)
8. AK ADMS 2510 - Introduction to Management Accounting (Winter 2010)
9. AK ADMS 2511 - Introduction to Information Systems (Winter 2010)
10. AK ADMS 2610 - Introduction to Law I (Summer 2010)
11. AK ADMS 3351 - Operations Management (Summer 2010)
12. AK ADMS 3510 - Managerial Cost Accounting and Analysis (Fall 2010)
13. AK ADMS 3520 - Canadian Income Taxation (Summer 2010)
14. AK ADMS 3530 - Corporate Finance (Winter 2010)
15. AK ADMS 3585 - Intermediate Financial Accounting I (Winter 2010)
16. AK ADMS 3595 - Intermediate Financial Accounting II (Summer 2010)
17. AK ADMS 4510 - Accounting Theory and Contemporary Issues (Summer 2011)
18. AK ADMS 4515 - Internal Audit and Control (Fall 2011)
19. AK ADMS 4520 - Advanced Financial Accounting I (Fall 2010)
20. AK ADMS 4530 - Advanced Financial Accounting II (Fall 2010)
21. AK ADMS 4551 - Auditing and Assurance Services (Fall 2010)
22. AK ADMS 4552 - Information System Auditing (Winter 2011)
23. AK ADMS 4553 - Advanced Auditing (Winter 2011)
24. AK ADMS 4561 - Personal Income Taxation (Summer 2011)
25. AK ADMS 4562 - Corporate Taxation (Summer 2011)
26. AK ADMS 4570 - Management Planning and Control Systems (Fall 2011)
27. AK ADMS 4590 - Comprehensive Accounting (Winter 2011)
28. AK ADMS 4900 - Strategic Management Policy I (Fall 2011)

And simply because I can't help but hope my moment lasts just a wee bit longer, I'm going to list all the engineering courses I completed at the University of Toronto as well...

... ahem again...

1. MIE 100 - Dynamics / Mechanical Engineering
2. CIV 101 - Structural Materials and Design / Civil Engineering
3. MSE 101 - Applied Science and Materials / Material Engineering
4. APS 103 - Engineering Society and Environment
5. APS 105 - Computer Fundamentals
6. ECE 115 - Electricity and Magnetism
7. ENG 182 - Effective Technical Writing
8. MAT 188 - Applied Linear Algebra
9. MAT 196 - Engineering Calculus I
10. MAT 197 - Engineering Calculus II
11. MAT 198 - Engineering Linear Algebra
12. ECE 203 - Discrete Mathematics
13. ECE 212 - Circuit Analysis
14. ECE 221 - Electricity and Magnetic Fields II
15. ECE 231 - Introduction to Electronics
16. ECE 241 - Digital Systems
17. ECE 242 - Algorithms and Data Structures
18. HPS 280 - History of Science
19. HPS 284 - History of North American Technology
20. MAT 290 - Advanced Engineering Mathematics
21. MAT 291 - Engineering Calculus III
22. ECE 302 - Probability and Applications
23. ECE 310 - Linear Systems and Communication
24. ECE 311 - Dynamic Systems and Control
25. CSC 326 - Programming Languages
26. ECE 334 - Digital Electronics
27. ECE 341 - Computer Organization
28. ECE 342 - Computer Hardware
29. CSC 343 - Introduction to Databases
30. ECE 344 - Computer Operating Systems
31. ECE 361 - Computer Networks
32. CSC 366 - Theory of Computation / Computer Logic
33. CSC 384 - Introduction to Artificial Intelligence
34. ECE 419 - Distributed Systems
35. CSC 444 - Software Engineering I
36. ECE 450 - Software Engineering II
37. ECE 461 - Internetworking
38. ECE 462 - Multimedia Systems
39. ECE 472 - Engineering Economics and Entrepreneurship
40. ECE 496 - Engineering Design Project

Alright, I guess my moment is over. School is one thing but real life is another. I completed my final term at York University while also starting my new job as a software developer at a big insurance firm. I began my career anew this past August and so far, the job has been alright. Sometimes I still feel like I should've tried to reach for a better position, sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I chose an Accounting job over a computer programming one, but I'm more or less content and grateful for where I am today.

The bigger question on my mind is, where do I go from here? Will I ever return to school again? Right now, I'm tired of school more than I ever thought possible and the mere idea of returning back for even a single lecture quite frankly sickens me at this point. However, I intend to at least take some online courses for project management one day, and there will always be the thought of earning an MBA at the back of my mind. York University offers an excellent joint MBA program with Kellogg's at their Schulich School of Business, although I fully expect the costs to soon rise exponentially thanks to their recent excellent world rankings. If I want a more economical MBA education that is specifically tailored towards engineers seeking to switch careers towards business or management, then McMaster University offers a much cheaper MBA program that will get the job done as well. At the current moment, I don't even want to imagine going back to school full time for more case studies and whatnot, but it's definitely an option I might consider some day down the road.

In the meantime, before I ever start taking any project management courses (which would be on company record and hopefully paid for by my employer), I want to sign up for and take the Certified Management Accounting exam this coming June. I've been lazy about it so far, both because I'll need to send them my official transcript and also because I really don't want to sit down and start studying for another exam already. The CMA though was my original target when I went back to university in the first place, and it seems like it's my new target again now that there's talks of merging the CMA designation with the CA and also because there just aren't any good CA sponsored jobs for a guy like me out there right now. I sadly would prefer to take the CA exams of the CKE, SOA and UFE as they're more in line with all the education I received these past few years, but the CMA is actually more applicable for me in the career path that I want in becoming a project or development manager at a software firm. The CMA will eventually require a formal presentation of a final exam which I am not looking forward to, but for the time being I just need to concentrate on getting down to business and sign up for this first written exam. I'm sure I'll stop procrastinating sooner or later.

Because it all sounds like so much fun, now doesn't it?...

After two and a half bloody hell years of full time university all over again? Well, in a way, I guess it was...

... and even if my studies never lead anywhere? I guess, I still am proud.

Y2kk Update: It's a three day weekend for me right now but I still have no energy or motivation to write. Yup, it's definitely the back to work and back to school season for me...

I finally finished my Accounting Certificate at York University, but now I'm wondering why I went for it in the first place. When I first returned to post-secondary education a couple of years back, I was imagining a career change with the hope of getting a Chartered Accountant (CA) designation. The thing is though, am I really willing to put in routine 60 to 80 hour work weeks for a paltry salary for two or three years straight, all for the hope of getting an accounting designation that may lead to yet another job that I don't care to commit to? I don't even know the answer to that question because I failed miserably these past few months in finding any accounting job that would count towards the audit and tax hours required to be eligible for the CA. Eventually, like everything else in my career, I just gave up. Was it really worth it to keep searching for this piss poor job that pays me almost nothing, all for the faint hope of someday earning two little letters after my name? In a sense, I always wanted a CA for prestige, to prove I accomplished something in life, but is it really an achievement I want?

I'm still proud that I finished twenty-five courses to earn my Accounting Certificate, but I wish I had proudly crossed that finish line instead of whimpering into last place. I wish I had gotten a decent accounting job at a good firm to have something to show for all my hard work, and I wish my just-completed summer term to earn my Accounting Certificate had gone better than it did. Still, I am now officially finished, or at least I should be considering I have all the required courses completed for both the Accounting Certificate and the 51-prescribed credits required to be eligible for the first CA exams. Of course, considering I wasn't able to get a CA-sponsored firm to be eligible for the final CA tests, all of those extra university courses I took for the CA designation have now pretty much been rendered worthless. As a result, I've chosen to target the poor man's MBA instead, known in Canada as the Certified Management Accountant designation. They pretty much accept any sort of budgeting and mentorship experience towards eligibility for their final case test, and rumour has it that the CMA and CA designations will merge into one single "CPA" designation in ten years or so, thus what's the real purpose of wasting at least three years of my life in begging for a CA anymore? The only issue left is that I need to take three more courses at York University this fall term to be eligible for the CMA program. I start my final three courses this coming week.

I'm tired of school though, and I'm tired of waiting for an accounting job that simply will not arrive because I have no prior experience in the field and I'm too stubborn and too proud to take such a low paying job for only the slight possibility of a brighter future. Now maybe this wasn't the wisest course of action when you consider where I want to be in my career five or ten years down the road, but over the past couple of months, I have been concentrating on getting a computer programmer or engineering job again. My resume is obviously more tailored to stay in the software development field, and a large part of me still enjoys the kind of work that I did at my previous jobs. I don't have any regrets for quitting my position back in 2008 when everyone else was being laid off except for a small band of volunteers, but I guess I do sort of feel a bit of remorse for leaving my last job in April. I feel like I betrayed some of my coworkers by so abruptly leaving, and in a sense I miss working with them. I don't know if I was truly ready to leave. I knew if I didn't leave my job at that time though, I would've gotten lazy and complacent and would've taken far too much of my sweet time to search for a better career in accounting. In hindsight, it would've been much smarter to just have stayed there for another half year and looked for a new career on the side. It's been four months since I left and I have nothing to show for my efforts except for a new job in the same industry.

I certainly had a lot of interesting interviews over the past couple of months to get to this point though. Probably the one that affected me the most personally was an engineering job back in the old town where I lived for twenty years. While I hadn't heard of this engineering firm myself, my uncle told me that they had a really great reputation and were known for quality work throughout the world. Besides the fact I finally had a chance to work for a company I might be proud to announce on my resume, what most attracted me to this position was actually the chance to finally earn a Canadian Professional Engineering designation. The PEng has always been a dream of mine since I was in high school, especially since earning a university degree in engineering is not enough to truly consider yourself an engineer. After two or three years of being mentored at this company, I could finally earn those four letters after my name that I've been coveting for so many years. In a sense, I considered this a chance at my dream job. Sometimes though, you find out your dreams are not what you wanted.

I had no problems with the phone interview for that company, and the HR screening when I first arrived for the in-person interview was no issue either. I noted that they asked if I was okay with travel, since they admitted up front that there would be about 30% travel to the United States. I said I was fine with that, as long as the majority of my time was still spent at the home office in Canada. Next up on the list was one of their senior engineers who oddly interviewed me one-on-one, which is strange for a developer. The moment he stepped into the room though, I instantly noticed that something was wrong with him. He was slouched over and so utterly depressed, with absolutely no life or vibrance in his eyes whatsoever. He honestly looked like he didn't want to be there, not only in the interview room but the entire company as a whole, which was definitely not a good first impression. He asked me a bunch of technical questions, most of which I had no problems with answering correctly, and the whole time he didn't even make eye contact with me once. He just kept staring down at his dossier papers as if they were his only comfort in the world. Finally, he gave me the metaphorical thumbs-up of approval and said that I could now meet his manager for the final in-person interview. Before he left, I decided to ask him a couple of questions, one of which was a vague inquiry about the kind of travel involved with this job position. I expected him to reiterate the same answer that the HR lady had said, that it's 30% travel to the United States and to other parts of Canada. I never expected to hear what sounded like his honest answer.

"We're hiring to send engineers over to Europe. Each placement will be for six months up to two years."

Wait, what? Why didn't any of the HR people tell me this when I directly asked them what kind of travel is involved? I think there's a huge goddam difference between 30% travel to the US and living in Europe for up to two years at a time. That was not what I wanted in a career, and that's now what I agreed to when I said I would come in for an in-person interview. Granted, after my interview I rechecked the job description and they do mention (as two separate points) "travel involved" and "global partners", but why didn't the interviewer over the phone tell me this when I directly asked? As the senior engineer was leaving though, as angry as I was that I wasn't informed about being shipped off to Europe, I tried my best to calm myself down and to gather my thoughts. I tried to convince myself, maybe the senior engineer was confused? Maybe I was interviewing for a CDN-US position and not a European one?

After a few minutes of waiting and brewing, his manager came in and certainly did not look happy in doing so. I should mention that this manager was a woman, which is definitely odd to see in an engineering company, so I knew right off the bat that she would probably be the type to speak her mind. She asked me to tell her about myself, and while I tried my best to prevent my passive aggressiveness over the travel debacle from leaking out, I do feel I was not as calm and politically polite as I normally am when describing myself. I made subtle mistakes when pointing out how I've always wanted to be part of an engineering firm, how I've always wanted to work on relevant projects and how I've always dreamt of earning a PEng designation. It was only a couple of minutes into my speech until she cut me off with a nastiness I had never encountered in an interview before, and I'll never forget what she then said.

"I'll stop you right there. Why are you only talking about being in the company for five or ten years? Why not your whole career? I think you have a problem with entitlement."

Wait, what? I was talking about five or ten year plans because that's what people normally discuss in interviews, right? Or at least, that's the kind of questions that managers always ask me in software firms, where they want to hear that I'm ambitious enough to try to become a manager or a team lead by the five year mark. Of course, my mistake was not realizing that software firms are used to having high turnover rates, while I guess I should've realized by the depressed senior engineer earlier on that this engineering firm wants to hire employees who will use up their entire lives at one single company. I remember plenty of friends and colleagues from my engineering university days who would've been ecstatic to earn a job at an engineering firm like this and probably would've never left the company if their life depended on it, so it's not like I didn't know where this manager was coming from. Still, is that really the only type of employee that she wants under her wing? She really only wants passive worker bees who will never try to improve the system or challenge any sense of authority?

I couldn't believe that she had the gall to call me out for my sense of entitlement. Was she correct? Perhaps, because I was pointing out that I wanted things from the company in order to stay. I exposed myself in a way as a person who would not be happy in the company without earning a PEng or without being promoted to a manager by the five year mark. Like I said, normally in a software development company, saying these kinds of things presents a sense of ambition and personal drive, but apparently those are the exact opposite qualities that this manager wanted in an employee. When I tried to defend myself and asked her for clarification, she retorted back to me that I'm exactly the kind of "problem employee" who would leave as soon as he wasn't happy. I'll admit, she may have been right in her assessment, but shouldn't a company try to make their employees content? Apparently not, according to her.

"I had an employee who was great at his work. A large project opened in Spain and I told him he would have to leave for Europe the next week. He refused and he didn't have a good reason. No wedding, no funeral or anything. He didn't have a good excuse, so the next day, I fired him. I will not tolerate having my corporate culture be disrupted like that again".

And, err... what? The guy never signed up to be sent to Spain, she made it very clear to me that he was hired with the premise of staying in North America. More than that, she even pointed out that he was a great engineer who was doing very good work for the company, yet she canned him simply because he didn't want to completely uproot his life and move to Europe? She never pointed out how long he would have to live in Spain, but if the previous senior engineer I had met was telling me the truth, I imagine it was for one of those six to twenty-four month projects he was hinting at. Why the hell should somebody who has a home here with family and friends and maybe even children, suddenly choose to be shipped over to Europe with only a freakin' week worth of notice? Why didn't she try to offer him incentives like a proper bonus, or at least ask other employees first to check and see if anyone else was willing to take this employee's place and reap the benefits? Instead, she fired him the very next day after she ordered him to go to Europe. How is that even fair? I know she was arguably right in assessing my sense of entitlement, but is it so wrong to be entitled against a manager who apparently cares nothing for your happiness and well-being? I mean seriously, let me get this straight. She doesn't want employees with ambition who want to be promoted, and she doesn't want employees who have the courage to say no to their manager when given a completely ridiculous relocation proposal out of thin air? If she has no respect for her employees, can she tell me why exactly I would ever want to work for her?

There was a small silver lining to this interview. Sure, she made me feel like total shit throughout the hour where she was basically criticizing the very core of who I am. At the very end though, she at least offered one compliment, that I did well enough on the technical questions and in defending myself that she would hire me if it wasn't for my "problematic attitude". Working at this engineering company would've been a dream job of mine, but only because I would've been proud of the name of the firm and of the chance to earn the PEng. I would never want to work for a manager like herself, and I'm just not the type of person who would want to be shipped off to Europe for a year or two of my life at any given notice. Before I left, I asked her if this job really did require travel to Europe, and while she wouldn't give me a straight answer, she did say that she didn't want any employees who wouldn't leave overseas as soon as they're hired. Why didn't they tell me this over the phone when I asked or when I was screened by the HR lady as soon as I arrived? What a bloody nightmare of a company.

... and the sad thing was, that was the nicer of my two interviews from that same damn week...

The very next day, before I could even regain my bearings or my shaken confidence after being humiliated and exposed in that engineering interview, I had to return back to the same town where I grew up for twenty years for a different interview at a small, financial services contractor firm for a senior developer position. Earlier that week, they had simply called me in for an in-person interview without even screening or asking me any questions over the phone, which I found to be very odd. I just shrugged it off though as potentially a sign of good luck, and I hoped that maybe they were just really interested in me because of my resume. The actual location was nearby my old house in a tiny little office where everyone I could see looked both foreign and dressed (lazily) like a hardcore coder, all acting as if they had the worst personality skills and team cooperation whatsoever. In the end, it seems I went two for two with first time impressions at interviews that week, because it didn't take long for me to realize that this company was certainly not the place I would ever want a career.

The interviewer was of Eastern European descent and I already knew something was wrong when I extended to shake his hand and he simply brushed me off, saying he didn't care for pleasantries. He only cared about how well I coded and prefaced the interview by stating he wasn't like other interviewers that hold your hands when they ask technical questions. The first question he asked was how I would efficiently port C++ legacy, multiple inheritance code to C#, .NET single-inheritance code. I honestly barely even understood the question, so I did my best to pull solutions out of my ass based on anything I could remember from the .NET framework. I realize I didn't know what I was talking about, but did he really have to be so rude to me with his response? He didn't try to put me down gently or anything. Honestly, he starting laughing in the middle of one of my statements and began shaking his head at how stupid I was. He tore the question paper right from my hands and giggled at my expense some more. Really, that was his way of making a good impression on a potential employee?

The next question he asked was, in his own words, "a basic problem anyone should be able to answer". I admit, it was much easier than his first, as he asked me to code exception handling around an OLE database connection and he claimed he wasn't going to be a stickler on connection string syntax. I took a piece of paper to write on and I wrote the best damn function I could. Would the code I wrote work in the end? Absolutely, but it certainly wasn't good enough in his eyes. When I said I was done, he took a single glance at what I had written and honestly, he shook his head in disgust some more. He started chuckling at me, and maybe even starting cussing in his own language under his breath. His first English words to me were, "pathetic, this is spaghetti code". I asked him why, and the first thing he did was mockingly start writing checkmarks for everything I had gotten right. He put down about seven or eight checkmarks in several different places (so I'm guessing I did those parts fine, such as properly closing the open connection in a try-catch-finally statement), until he suddenly paused and starting laughing at my expense again. He pointed out that the code was awful because I hadn't properly used a try / using block around the declaration of the null variables at the top of the function. I seriously didn't understand why I had to do that considering they were just null, empty declarations (and all the code that could cause real problems was already in the exception handler). He grinned mercilessly at my cluelessness yet again and boastfully stated that programs can experience "heap memory out of error" exceptions even when declaring null variables. I tried to argue that a failure like that would be handled by other exception handlers elsewhere in the code, but he vehemently disagreed. Even though I had gotten so many things right in this question, he literally ripped up my paper like I had just conjured the most disappointing piece of shit coding he had ever seen in his life. WTF?

The last question he offered me was one about multiple threads and synchronization. I expected a simple question like how to prevent deadlock using locks and semaphores, but he didn't want any of that crap. Instead, I soon found out that he wanted a trick. He mentioned to me that locks are inefficient and can cause significant overhead in financial systems, so he wanted me to modify a standard multiple thread class to remove the inefficiency. I honestly had no clue what he was talking about, because I had yet to ever work with low-level thread programming in any of my previous development jobs, and also university had only taught me to use locks and semaphores like he already had in place in his goddam example program. He left me on my own for a few minutes, and while I could've cheated by desperately checking my smartphone for solutions, I did my best to tough it out instead and try to come to a solution myself. I just couldn't figure it out though, and that's when my interviewer returned and literally face-palmed himself when I admitted I couldn't figure out the answer. Turns out, he just wanted an old sly trick, where you use "double-checking" with multiple if statements to get around any cases where you might accidentally check the thread lock twice or more in one pass. Really, that's all he wanted? He just wanted a cheap hack that I could learn from a ten second google search? Why is it so important to prove that I know this in an interview?

And that's when he 'graciously' put me out of my misery, smirking and trying to contain his amusement when he sarcastically pointed out to me, "you know where this is going, right?"

Of course, I nodded in agreement, but I was pissed off enough from his constant rudeness and overbearing arrogance to at least try to fight back. I argued that I'm a hard worker with four years of software development experience and that I can quickly learn on the job. I reiterated all the things I had learned from just that interview alone with him that day, and I tried to make a point that I can pick up so many new things easily by just asking questions or making a quick Google search. I attested that his interview was already harder than any other technical interview I've ever had in my life, which was goddam true. I told him I enjoy a challenge, as long as the expectations are fair. His response though in return was not so kind.

"My questions didn't even scratch the surface. The world is full of mediocre programmers. You're one of them. Other companies accept this but I don't."

I pointed out that I have both computer engineering and accounting management backgrounds. I tried to argue that I can speak with clients and gather requirements. He scoffed.

"That's worthless. I can talk with clients. Anyone can."

Yeah, uh huh, right. As if I could ever believe business clients would love working with a guy like him. Exasperated at his ignorance, I then tried to argue that I could learn so much from him and the other programmers at the firm since they were so experienced with their skills. I can do a great job when given a proper chance. But of course, he mocked me yet again.

"How can I teach you to run when you can't even walk? You can't even understand the basics."

Ouch, that kind of hurt, and that's when I got fucking pissed. I asked him one last question, why did he bring me in for an in-person interview in the first place? Why didn't he screen me over the phone? Why didn't I have a phone interview before I drove an hour in traffic to make it to this interview, only to be criticized and humiliated for now a goddam hour straight?

"I saw that you had finished Accounting and we assumed you could learn new things. I was wrong."

Wow, okay. I don't even know what to say to that. Or actually, I sort of did. With the most sarcastic tone of voice I could goddam muster up, I made one final statement to him.

"Then I suggest in the future, you screen all potential employees with a phone interview, so we don't have to come all this way to waste your time..."

That's when I mockingly shook his hand (ironically, he chose to shake my hand this time around), 'graciously' thanked him for his time and then left on my fucking merry way.

Wow, two fucking god-awful interviews in the span of two fucking days. My Wednesday interview at the engineering firm was a complete and utter attack on my personality, and what hurt the most was that the manager was right in her assessment. I would never want to work for a person like herself, but she was correct that I do have a sense of entitlement, that at times I am a spoiled quitter instead of a hard worker, and she really made me feel guilty about leaving my former coworkers out to dry back in April. I showed my peers no signs of loyalty or friendship, and the manager at the engineering firm really opened my eyes to the remorse I had over my decision again. And as for this Thursday interview for the senior developer position, that was a complete and utter attack on all the technical knowledge and skills that I've learned over my university years and career. It made me feel completely humiliated about the kind of jobs that I've had, because he was right that I've only written the same kind of programming shit that a high schooler could accomplish when they first pick up the goddam language. I've always been embarrassed and insecure not only of the complete lack of big company names on my resume, but also of all the worthless work my firms have given me over four years. I've learned nothing at my old jobs except for maybe putting on a smile and sweet talking some clients, which I learned more at Accounting presentations than anything else. The interviewer was ridiculous in how insulting he was to every fiber of my being, but he wasn't wrong about my skills or experience. None of what he said would hurt if he was wrong.

To add insult to injury, I may have already told part of this story before, but there was this other job that I interviewed for and I did well enough that they claimed to me they were very "impressed". They guaranteed that I would hear from them again, which I did a couple of weeks later, but not for the job I had applied for. Apparently, I didn't have enough experience for the software development position I was up for in my two and a half hour gauntlet interview, and instead they offered me a conditional agreement to later join as a business analyst. I didn't like the fact that they would be shipping me off to the United States 80% of the time, but I was happy to get a decent consultant position like that under my belt while I looked for other available jobs. About a month ago though, just a couple of days after the two completely deflating interviews I mentioned above, I got an e-mail from the HR recruiter at this firm. She told me that they conveniently no longer had the budget to hire me as an employee anymore and she didn't respond to the e-mail I sent back. Ouch, talk about salting the wound. The funnier thing was, a couple of weeks after that, the same company contacted me again out of the blue and stated that they suddenly had room in their budget to hire me again. I immediately agreed to the same conditional requirements as my first contract, only to be told one week later that once again, they've changed their minds. The e-mail from the recruiter started off with, "I don't know how to tell you this, but...", and she never responded when I e-mailed her back with not such a friendly tone this time around. Go figure, I guess.

Eventually, I did find a job. Actually, I had two offers on the table, one being a tax consulting job that I really wanted to take. When I went in for the interview, I loved how that manager showed respect for me and also asked what I considered to be relevant questions. Most of them were completely behavioural, mainly how I would extract from other technical people SR&ED information and how I can escalate the matter to managers if need be, but she was also impressed with my technical knowledge regarding T2 tax returns and how to fill out research and development tax refund claims. I would've loved to have accepted that job but the offer simply came one week too late, or never at all actually. My friends and family all agreed that waiting for this offer to come in was simply too risky, especially since it was still a conditional offer based on having a final meeting with the company president first. The salary and bonus for this position would've supposedly been much higher than the job I eventually took, but I did find it odd how they wouldn't give me a hard number until I had met with the president (which should've been more of a formality than anything else). While I would've loved being a tax consultant, I'm happy with the choice I made instead. I'm back in software development but I'm okay with that, considering I'm still not as social of a guy as I feel I should be. It's a safe job with a slightly better income than my previous one, and I am happy that I'm finally in a large company that I can be somewhat proud of to put on my resume. And at least, I'm working with technology that isn't obscure or already obsolete for once.

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? Though in a sense, it was. I had to suffer through two horrible interviews in a row that first destroyed any self-esteem I had left in my personality and then later any confidence I had left in my technical skills. I also still love how that third company just had to salt the wound too a few days later, hiring me and then firing me not once but twice. I am lucky though that I finally was able to find two jobs that I would've been happy to take. I just wish that the tax consulting offer had arrived at the same time as the software development position, that's all. I plan to stick with my decision and my new company for quite a while now. It's time that I finally made a real commitment.

I've had a hell of a lot of interviews since I left my job in April, more than I care to count. I've had so many disappointments, so many embarrassments, but also quite a few memories.

I guess that's what life is for, right? As I get older, what else is there that lasts forever but memories?

Y2kk Update: I know it's a cliche, but life can be so fragile. One moment, a person can be there with you, and the next they're simply gone.

My only remaining grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago. He's been in a wheelchair for the past ten years, unable to speak because we didn't react fast enough when he had a stroke, but it still felt so sudden and so unexpected. One moment I was talking to him, and the next we received a phone call that he had just passed away.

It was already a hard week for us when it happened. My grandmother had fallen ill due to dehydration in the nursing home, because sometimes she forgets to drink due to her condition of Alzheimer's. Eventually, she fell and hit her head on the ground in one of the hallways, and she was rushed to the emergency room. I forget what I was doing the day that it happened (I was probably filling out the forms for the programming job I had just earned a contract for, but that's a story for another day), but I instantly dropped everything that I had and went with my mom to the hospital. My grandmother was really weak but she was still coherent and she thankfully still remembered who I was. It's the little things in life that I treasure and always remember, and I'm always grateful for the days that my grandmother remembers my smile. She raised me when I was just a small boy, and I owe her everything that I have.

We didn't leave the hospital that night until it was well past midnight. It took forever to get the X-rays and bloodwork back to make sure my grandmother was alright, but eventually it was determined that a couple of days with the IV should help her get back on her feet. I spent the new few days visiting my grandmother at the hospital. She speaks only Cantonese while I ineptly can only speak English, but I understand enough of her accent to at least gesture in response. I always communicate by just holding her hand and letting her know that I'm there and that I care about her. Ten years ago, I was never the kind of guy who would hold hands or give people hugs, but I guess the stroke that my grandfather had changed all that. I realized how I wasn't close enough to him, and I felt guilty knowing that he could've died without ever truly realizing that his grandson cared about him. Since that point, even though my grandfather couldn't talk to me, I would always let him know I cared by holding and shaking his hand. I always do the same with my grandmother every time I'm with her.

It was a Friday afternoon when we last visited my grandmother in the hospital. She was thankfully being discharged and we were there to help prepare her to go back to the nursing home. I did my usual of holding her hand while I helped feed her the food of the day. I have no clue why the hospital provided her with chicken and spicy potatoes, so we brought our own food for her and helped her drink as much water as her health could handle. I was really overjoyed that she was leaving the hospital and I thought that the worst was finally over. It was especially a tough time on my mother, not only because her mother was in the hospital and looked so frail, but also because the anniversary of the death of her father was occurring within the next few days. After we helped my grandmother with lunch, we went to the cemetery where we paid our respects to my late grandfather. I still miss him and wish he was here.

We were close to the nursing home where my other grandfather was living (my father's father) and we decided to pay him a visit since it had been a month since we saw him last. We were originally planning to visit him later that weekend, maybe on Sunday, but since we were in the neighbourhood after visiting my grandmother in the hospital and visiting my grandpa at the cemetery, we decided it was best to visit my other grandfather now for convenience. This is where coincidence or fate or something played a part, because we definitely would not have went to see him that afternoon if my grandmother had not been in the hospital. My grandfather's birthday was coming up in just a couple of days, which is why we were waiting until Sunday to visit him with some congee and maybe an egg tart for dessert. We were still planning to surprise him with a birthday meal eventually, but my dad was feeling bad that we hadn't visited his father in quite some time, so that's why we went to my grandfather's place that day. If we hadn't, I don't know how my father would have felt after his dad passed away.

When we saw my grandfather, I remember thinking that he was in an uncharacteristically happy mood. He seemed extra excited to see me, especially when I went over to him and shook his hand like I always do. He was in the television room of the nursing home, watching golf or soccer, I forget which right now. We wheeled him back to his room, where my father cut his hair like he does every month. I'm always tasked with cleaning up the room with a wet cloth afterward, and while waiting to do so, I for some odd reason noted the radio playing in the background. There was just something off about the radio in his room that day but I couldn't place what. I just had a feeling or sense that something was different, that something was wrong, but I just shrugged it off and dismissed it as irrational concerns from previously being in the hospital. Eventually, my father finished cutting his father's hair, I cleaned my grandfather's head with a warm, wet towel like usual, and then we wheeled him back to the television room where he was always so adamant about sitting in his exact reserved spot. My grandfather couldn't speak in words, but he could always communicate through his eyes and his loud yells of concern when we didn't do something the way he wanted. He was certainly yelling a lot at us that day, but like I mentioned before, he seemed happier and more excited to see us than he has for a very long time.

After we moved him back to the TV room, I wished him a Happy Birthday and shook his hand again. He didn't seem to want to let go, but eventually I had to leave. I still remember the look in his eyes when he shook my hand for the very last time, he seemed joyful yet sad to see us go. Eventually, the handshake was broken up by a couple of nurses who came to take my grandfather away to the washroom for a cleaning before dinner time. As they were wheeling him away, I continued to wave my hand goodbye at him and wished him again a Happy Birthday. I told him in the best Cantonese I had to offer, "see you again soon!"

I'll never forget that moment. It was the last time I would see my grandfather alive.

I went to bed "early" that night at 1:30 am (which is early for me considering I normally went to bed at 3 am while unemployed). It was an hour and a half later when we received a phone call late at night. I just thought it was my grandmother calling since she was now back at the nursing home, because sometimes her Alzheimer's makes her panic and she calls late at night (with speed dial I programmed) to ask my mother where she is and where her family went. When nobody picked up the phone in my house and the answering machine activated, I noted that it wasn't my grandmother's voice over the phone but somebody else's. I got concerned immediately, and I started to worry that maybe my grandmother had to be sent back to the hospital or even worse (knock on wood). I care about my grandmother so dearly and it scares me now even more than before that one day she will be gone. I was terrified in that brief moment that something again had happened to her. It never once crossed my mind that it would be my grandfather that we had just seen who would be the one who passed away.

My mother had rushed to the phone after she heard the unfamiliar voice over the answering machine. Eventually, she came into my room and told me what had happened. My grandfather had just passed away and there was nothing that the nurses on duty could do to save him. My first reaction was, "what?!", and beyond that, I didn't know what to say. I was scared to tell my dad what had happened, but eventually we felt no choice but to wake up him. He's normally such a strong man, and it's not like he shed a tear or anything, but the look on his face when we told him what had happened was of pure devastation and complete shock. We had just visited my grandfather and he seemed as healthy as he has for months. More that that, he seemed happy and excited to see us. It was going to be his birthday in just a couple of days and then this all happened. I never expected him to pass away at all.

The rest of that morning is just a haze to me. It was a bunch of phone calls to everyone else in my family, and then even though I was only on about an hour of sleep, I drove my whole family to the nursing home where we met with our aunts and uncles and cousins. When I saw my grandfather's body, it seemed so lifeless, with the happiness that I had saw just a few hours earlier completely drained away from his cheeks. Just earlier in the day, he was there shaking my hand, and the next moment he was completely gone. I'm so fortunate that I was able to be there for my grandfather on his last day here on earth, and I know my father is grateful as well because I don't know if he ever could've forgiven himself if he hadn't seen his father before this all happened. My dad sat down next to me at one point and said with a forced smile that he was happy that I was the last grandchild to shake my grandfather's hand. Being there with my grandpa on his last day is a moment I will never forget. I just wish more of my family had a chance to say goodbye to our grandfather than just I.

We stayed with my grandfather until the doctor and the coroner arrived around 11 am. I was exhausted at the time, but I certainly never felt one bit of instinct to leave. After his body was taken away, I drove my parents back home where my father at least got to eat something and get a chance to rest for an hour. In the meantime, I took my mother to the walk-in-clinic since she was complaining about abdominal pains while experiencing a high fever earlier that morning. The doctor actually suggested it was an appendicitis, which of course I started to panic about. While I won't get into the details about it here, I spent most of the second half of the day with my mother at the hospital as she was waiting in line to have her bloodwork and ultrasound checked out. Turned out, it was just a strained muscle from working in the garden too long the night before, and her fever was simply from stress because of everything that had happened with her mother and my grandfather. Still, I must admit that I was so worried that day about so many things. My grandfather passing away shook me up more than I want to admit, my mother potentially having surgery for an appendicitis made me race her to the hospital out of concern, and I visited my grandmother again that night just in case.

My dad needed to go to the funeral home to talk about arrangements with my aunt and uncle, so even though I was still only on an hour of sleep, I drove him to meet his siblings where my grandfather had been taken, then I drove my mom to the hospital where I stayed with her in the waiting room for the majority of the rest of the day. Eventually, once the funeral arrangements were complete, my dad was dropped off at the hospital by my cousin where we just spent time together as a family until my mother's tests all came back negative and healthy. It was late at night by that point, but we still went to visit my grandmother to both check up on her and to make sure we spent time with our loved one. We eventually arrived back home maybe at 10 or 11 at night, I can't really remember at that point. I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep, but I still didn't want to fall asleep. I simply spent time with my father first in hopes that he would be able to get some rest, and eventually when he did fall asleep, I just spent some time with myself thinking about everything that happened that day.

The rest of the week was a mix of a lot of family discussions and gatherings. Sunday was filled with arguments actually, especially relating to the eulogy. I had tried to get my father and his brother and sister to speak at the funeral, especially since his younger brother wanted my dad to speak. In the end though, while my dad initially agreed, he eventually panicked and yelled at me for trying to push him into making his father's funeral into a "show". My dad has rarely ever insulted me like he did that day, but I understand why he was so sensitive and scared. In the end, I talked with my aunt and uncle and if my dad wouldn't be part of the eulogy, neither would they. It was then decided that I would be doing the eulogy or at least have full control over it, and I decided that it was best to get at least one grandchild in every family to be represented as part of the speech. Over the course of the week, I took some criticism for the decisions that I made for the eulogy, and I suppose I do regret some of them. My brother derided me for making the eulogy so structured, but I was simply trying to follow my uncle's wish to have a eulogy all prepared by Thursday and he certainly didn't want any last minute changes. My younger cousin seemed to challenge my authority since he's not used to me giving so many suggestions or even orders, but in the end he did a great job on his part of the eulogy and I think he was thankful I pushed him into representing his father when it was all said and done. And my sister is another story, where she called at the last minute and basically begged me to say her part at the eulogy since she was still in Singapore. I was afraid of not only upsetting my uncle with this change but also I was scared of butchering my sister's part by making a mistake at the funeral. In the end though, since it seemed so important to her, I said her part of the eulogy she had written in her name at the funeral. I just really wished she had come home to say it herself, that's all. We all would've liked that.

I remember meeting my cousins on Tuesday to decide on flower arrangements for the funeral, and also a cousin gathering on Wednesday for dinner to just spend time together and to discuss the eulogy on a whole. We were all hurting over what had happened with our grandfather, especially since two of my cousins had essentially been raised by him yet didn't see him for weeks or even more than a month before he passed away. I guess I was the lucky one, for getting to spend time with our grandpa on his last day before he passed away, although I'm probably one of the cousins who deserved to do so the least. Sure, I always shook his hand, but what made writing the eulogy so difficult for me was that I honestly didn't have any other fond memories of my grandfather besides that. My cousins could talk about how they raised rabbits with our grandfather or how he taught them how to cook fried-baloney sandwiches. In the end, I added a part about my grandpa's pear tree into my eulogy, but I only really remember eating those pears and not of spending time with my grandfather to pick them from the tree. I wish I could remember though, but I just can't. For ten years, I've felt so guilty that I wasn't close enough to my grandfather before his stroke, that I didn't realize something was wrong when he didn't pick up his phone for two days. It was my cousin who went to save our grandpa, and I've always been thankful that he did since then. I've done my best to make it up to my grandfather since his stroke, but I still feel it was too little, too late. I'm grateful that I was the last grandchild to be able to be there with my grandfather, to wish him one last Happy Birthday, but I was the one least deserving to do so. I wish my cousins had the privilege I had, they're the ones who were so close to grandpa.

I did my best throughout the week to be there for my father. He did his best to act normal, but I knew him well enough to know there was a subtle bit of sadness to everything he did throughout the day. The funeral took place on the Saturday following my grandfather's passing, and it was a difficult moment to see my grandfather again at the visitation with the open casket. In Chinese tradition, we always bow three times out of respect when we arrive to greet our deceased ancestor, and afterwards we all said our last goodbyes. I was so nervous for the eulogy throughout the whole funeral procession, which I feel a bit guilty for because I wish I could've concentrated on my thoughts for grandpa instead of just worrying if I was going to embarrass the family with my words. When it came time for us cousins to speak the eulogy though, I think everything went fine. My voice was crackling from both nervousness and emotion at times, but I had memorized my speech well enough that I think it came off clear and hopefully very genuine. My cousins did a great job as well, and I especially need to give extra credit to my cousin who spoke his part in full formal Cantonese. It was a huge sign of respect to my grandfather and to the families in the audience, because my cousin only knew informal Cantonese and needed to rehearse his speech with his parents for days to get the formal dialect right. Finally, it was one other cousin of ours who said the final goodbyes. She was terrified of doing so because she rarely ever speaks in public and she was perhaps the closest out of all of us to grandpa. She started crying during her final goodbyes and we were all there with her to support her. I think everyone did a great job and I honestly believe our grandfather and our parents were proud of us. I was proud of all my cousins too.

The funeral line was a very long drive, where we had to travel all the way from one city (Mississauga) along a single street (Eglinton) to the eastern side of Toronto (Scarborough). Eglinton Ave alone is a daunting task to cross over that distance, considering the traffic gets extensively heavy around a certain few key intersections. It certainly didn't help matters that we soon found out Eglinton in a couple of spots had also been closed down for a weekend festival, so we had to detour around some side streets which may have caused us to lose some cars in the funeral line. We eventually did make it to the cemetery where my great-grand-father and my father's mother are buried. The weather reports had expected heavy rain that day, but it didn't start even drizzling until well after the burial had completed. It was almost like a small miracle really, or just another strange coincidence of timing just like how we visited my grandfather on his last day he was here on earth. We later visited the burial site again after the lunch reception, with all the flowers laid on top of the buried casket. I felt a small sense of closure myself, but I'm not sure if my father did. Ever since the funeral, he's still been more quiet than he has been for quite some time. I know he misses his father very much.

It was a long week, that's for sure. A week before everything happened, my life was filled with materialistic thoughts such as a choice between two job offers and having to replace my busted laptop with a new netbook in a month where I spent way too much money. I had a great time a few weeks earlier when my best friend had visited from Charlotte, and I thought life was starting to look up for me again now that I could finally decide for myself a proper career. That's when my grandmother fell ill and was admitted to the hospital, and while of course I wish that had not happened, we probably would not have visited my grandfather before he passed away if we were not in his area that day. It's strange and funny sometimes how things seem to be connected in ways that we cannot explain. And ever since the funeral, even if I did get a sense of closure, those last moments I saw my grandfather alive when he was smiling at me as I shook his hand and waved goodbye, continue to replay over and over again in my mind. I will always remember telling him before I left, "see you again soon".

I honestly never once thought at that moment it would be the last time I would ever get to see my grandfather alive. I'm happy I got to be there for him though. I miss him, but we knew his time was coming. Even still, it all felt so sudden. One moment, he was there with me smiling. The next, he was gone.

He was my grandfather and he'll always live on within me. I'm thankful he was part of my life, and I wish he was still here.

It was his birthday. As I write this, I remember him and miss him even more.