Y2kk Update: It's been a while since my last update. Guess just like before, I've lost my interest in writing...

My desire to update this download site of mine seems to follow the same determination and path as my dreams do. For months and months, I had dreamed of the girl at work, quite literally whenever I went to sleep. We were always there together, hand in hand, whenever I closed my eyes. And in my dreams, it's like the both of us being a couple was simply a fact taken for granted. We were always together when I was asleep, always aware of one another, just not always happy with the other. But lately, she's disappeared from my visions, as if she completely vanished like an apparition from the night. Just the other time, I can remember searching for her endlessly in every single scene and scenario I found myself in, but she never once appeared. It wasn't until I awoke that I realized just what happened, and how pathetically broken and lonely I've become over the past few months...

In an interesting twist of fate though, I've ran into some old crushes of mine, or at least women from my past. For some bizarre reason, the goddam girl who wanted to sue me for sexual harassment at the government? Well, she was back and with a vengeance, haunting the hallways of the underground pathway where I normally walk on my way back from work. The first time I saw her there, she and I just exchanged this staredown of a horrid glare as her Chinese boy toy simply nodded his head in silent agreement with me. He knew that she was a bitch, which explains why he wasn't there the following week when I saw her again. Instead, she had some jakked white guy as her arm-candy this time around. The poor sap actually looked happy, a feeling I knew would definitely not last long. She seemed happy there too at first, but that didn't stop her from giving me the same damn bitchy stare in the end she did the week before. Some things just never change...

The bigger encounter I had was with the last girl that I had strong feelings for. I forget what I used to call her on this website of mine, but she used to be my brother's old crush back in high school. As for me, I got to know her perhaps a little too late, as she was already seeing someone overseas by the time I started going out for coffees and lunches were her. A couple months before I started talking to the girl at work that I currently still am infatuated with, that's when this other girl suddenly ceased all communication with me, refusing to respond to any of the messages or e-mails I sent her way. I eventually learned that she got engaged with that man she met overseas, and I suppose she just didn't want to spend any more time with a guy that was never anything more than a random backup in her life...

For the first time in almost two years, I ran into her again on the train. She was looking much more frail and somehow much less happy than she seemed before, and talking to her directly, trusting her words at face value, I guess you wouldn't really figure out why. Apparently, not only did she just get a promotion at work this past January, but she also finally got married to her boyfriend from the Philipines as well. When she talked about her wedding though, there wasn't the same look in her eyes of swooning that my sister gets everytime she thinks back to her big day. Instead, for this girl I used to walk half an hour for just to treat to tea and lunches, she simply shrugged off her wedding memories and barely even mentioned anything about her new husband. She didn't seem happy at all, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But what can I really do, right?...

Some that I've told this story to have suggested that perhaps this was an arranged marriage for her, that she had gone overseas in the first place to meet the man who would eventually become her husband. I don't know really, I may never know the truth, I just remember how devastated I was at the time when she first stopped talking to me. I knew back then that nothing could happen between the both of us, but I kept hoping for the slightest of chances anyways. Almost two years have passed since the day, and what I found most revealing was that, besides feeling some sympathy for her current plight? I felt nothing for her, I really felt nothing. Everything I used to feel for her, was gone...

I used to have such strong dreams for the both of us, though I never did literally dream of her once. Now, it's true that the way I feel about the current girl in my heart is just so much stronger than it ever was for any other woman, but in the end, I wonder if that even matters? I once had strong feelings for this girl as well, enough so that I really did think there was at least a chance that she and I could've hooked up if not for her eventual husband. And yet now, just two years down the road, I feel nothing but a requiem of sorrow and pity for her. I've completely forgotten everything about her that I ever did once like, and I just have to ask myself, is the current girl that I keep thinking and pining for, really no different in the end?...

That's been bothering me, lately. What if nothing I feel is really real? I keep dreaming that this girl has the potential to be the one, but what if that's just my own naivete talking? What will happen five years down the road, when I very well may meet the right girl for me, and she finds out everything I once said and thought and did for this girl at work that never even returned my messages? Two years down the road from now, will I simply look back at everything I feel right now, and feel nothing in return but pity and sorrow? I wish I knew the answers to all that, but I can never know the future. All I do know, is that no infatuation I've ever had before was actually genuine and real. What I feel now for the girl at work still feels so much damn stronger than I've ever felt before, but alas, I have been down this long and dusky road before...

And the same question from every damn time, from every damn girl, still circles and rifles through my head...

... what do I do now?... where do I go from here?...

It's been almost four months since she left the workplace. It's been three months since I even last spoke with her...

... when will I finally be able to look back, and remember it all as a dream?...

Y2kk Update: It's been just over a month since my sister's wedding...

January 26th and 27th were when she had her Winter Wonderland. It was honestly the happiest days of her life...

I don't know why, but I've been thinking of the whole ceremony a lot lately. About the beauty of the banquet hall at the Western Reception, how the rose petals and cupcakes at the Chinese reception all smelt and felt. I've been recalling lately all the little things I did those two nights, whether it was stringing up traditional Chinese lanterns as decorations, rolling out the red carpet quite literally for my sister to walk over the snow with, or even sitting on the sidelines wondering if I should've gave into both peer pressure and socialite status by just having a few goddam drinks...

No matter what happened, it definitely felt like two days worth of magic in retrospect, not just for my sister and new brother in law, but also in how I saw myself and felt. I was almost a different person at the time, with a new suit and new hair-cut and arguably new glasses (got them a couple months prior). Hell, I even tried to bulk up a bit in the chest and wrists, albeit I failed miserably as always in that regard. Yet all my cousins noticed the changes I have made for those two nights alone, I just wonder why a certain someone that I care about did not...

My closest cousin pointed out to me once that when it comes to trying to impress, I always learn as much as possible about the subject at hand, in this case a new suit and tie and how they go together well. In all honesty, I learned barely anything at all, considering I just googled a bunch of articles and opinions on the net about this shit, and trusted Wikipedia as one my goddam sources. I still can't colour-coordinate, or even properly iron out the goddam blue and white shirts I had for those two evenings. God knows I suck absolute balls at washing my own clothes, so it's not like I became a completely different and useful man from this wedding or anything. But as my cousins realized, this wedding was so important to my sister, which was why it was just so goddam important to me. I guess, getting a new hair style from a barber for the very first time in my life, even if it was only a small departure from my normal look, had a lot of meaning for me in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to show that I cared. Demonstrating just how much something means to myself is truly goddam important to me...

I wish I was able to extend my newfound knowledge to the foods that we got to eat. Now, at the Chinese reception, obviously I knew the majority of stuff there since I eat that banquet stuff all the time. Whether we're talking about baby pork meat or eighty buck bowls of Shark Fin Soup, this was my kind of night where I knew everything and pretty much everyone around. I'm comfortable in those situations, so much so at times that my cousins even noted that I was talking like I was drunk over my goddam Coke. Not sure if that was a good thing, but even if my sister and brother in law didn't have the most fun that second night as they did on the first, I was proud of them for making it all happen for the parents and family. Besides, I even got to taste a couple of new dishes while I was there, as the Portuguese Scallop in a Curry Sauce was my favourite food of the night. Not bad for a first taste test, as normally I detest anything new and foreign...

Which is why I just didn't enjoy dinner as much as I had hoped on the first night at the Western reception. Now obviously I dug deep into the main course, considering it was a New York steak and probably one of the best slabs of meat I've ever had. It wasn't filling though, it was too small to be considered a main course by my book however, and the mashed potatoes off to the side were far too laced with horrid mounds of butter for me to finish with a straight face. And this was all after I literally had to spit out my already tiny appetizer earlier in the evening...

There was a choice of just some plain salad, some weird tuna dish, or "Foie Gras". I had no fucking clue what Foie Gras was at the time, except that my sister recommended it as her favourite appetizer of all fucking time. After asking around that it was duck liver, and considering I normally can take a healthy dose of chicken liver and shit like that, I gave it a round and a go. But dear fucking God, it tasted like total duck fucking shit covered in a cream of butter semin sauce. WTF was this shit, how the fuck could anyone have thought it was good, I had no fucking clue. I spat that sucker right now, and never gave it a second thought. Guess I'm no goddam food connoisseur...

Guess this is one of those areas that I feel I'm lacking, and you can guess who was the person who most makes me feel the most inadequate this way. The girl formerly at work, the girl I've fallen for and can't seem to crawl back from, she herself has fallen for foods in ways I cannot even describe. At times, she can be far too elitist about the kinds of pasta and desserts and bakeries she likes, but it was one of those traits of hers that I eventually fell in love with and often admired. She had a real passion for it, one that I looked up to in all honesty. Problem was though, she also had a knack for being overly critical about others' incompetence, in my case with the foods we ate whenever we went out...

I understand that she prefers to have an "enlightening" conversation about the dishes we share at dinner, and I understand she prefers to be with people who are satisfied by the same foods as she does. But you see, that's where that twinge of elitism comes into play. I accepted it and even adored it at times, but over the months, I think I went well documented on this site how left out I felt whenever she ignored talking to me in preference of conversing about food with complete assholes I never gave a shit about. I tried at times to show her I had a willingness to learn, to develop a taste for the dishes that she strives to cook and bake and emulate. But there was just such a huge chasm between the both of us in terms of knowledge and experience in that regard, that she just didn't seem to have the patience or understanding to give me a goddam chance...

It's like how they say in high school, a couple only wants to touch and feel and smile at one another, while in university a couple only wants to share as many activities together as possible. I suppose, both are required for a proper relationship, but she was so damn concerned and concentrated with only the latter, that she was never able to see past my deficiencies. I personally believe that we two had a lot in common with a lot of chemistry at times. But from her point of view, her favourite pastimes of cooking and psychology and all that other stuff she reads at night, were topics that she herself was far too advanced in to ever maturely discuss with me...

At times, she acted like she only wanted an equal in everything she likes, that she only seeks a connection with a person she can respect in everything she too does. A mirror image, in genuine effect. I really felt like she closed her mind to me and sealed off all potential, simply because I did not fit her description of a perfect man in her mind. It could've all been an excuse out of fear, though at times, I couldn't blame her for how she felt. She certainly didn't like to "dumb down" conversations so to speak, and I couldn't help but feel bad every single time she just wasn't willing to talk about the topics she wanted to discuss when I was around. Her heart just wasn't there with me by my side...

I admit, a large part of the problems between the both of us, was that I was often so negative with my self-deprecating humour. Perhaps, she never truly got the impression that I was willing to listen and willing to learn. Sometimes I could tell it was disheartening to her, not just that I did not understand many of the higher level topics she was discussing, but that it did seem like it was making me feel leftout and inadequate in the discussions as well. Because I admit, I'm not always the type to shrug things off with a smile, not after months and months of dealing with the fact that she finds so much more enjoyment in talking with her other friends than I. I wanted so desperately to be an important part of her life, and I did try to show it, I really tried to prove it. But it definitely made me feel inadequate to realize that it just wasn't enough for her. What I find most important, to show her what she means to me, she just didn't seem to care...

I guess, what I've been upset with lately, is that in my latest e-mail to her, I actually wrote all about my experiences with food at my sister's wedding, from the Foie Gras incident to the strawberry shortcake and chocolate cupcake desserts we had. The thing is though, of course naturally as the weeks have gone by, I haven't heard a single word from her since. I asked her directly in my e-mail whether she wanted me to send her some photos from the wedding or not. My exact words were, "I'd love to send some pics your way, if you'd so like". But I haven't heard anything but silence from her direction since I last wrote her about the wedding. I really shouldn't have expected anything more...

I tried relating to her with my story about the Western reception, but either she's too busy for me, or she's actually angry at me for not telling her my wedding anecdotes right upfront when we last met, does it really matter at this point? If she wanted to talk to me, if she ever wanted to contact me, I've given her so many chances to do so. And every single time I do, every single time I put my heart and feelings on the line, and whenever she does not respond? I hurt inside, and the old wounds salt just a tiny bit more...

I care about her, I really do. So much so, that she still is the only person I truly think about, even three months after her departure...

... but I know that she never truly thinks about me, because if she did, would she not try to talk to me?...

... would she not at least respond?...

It's been just over a month since my sister's wedding. By a single day, to be precise...

... and this is what I still think about, the girl at work and what she truly does mean...

... it's just so important to me, to show that you care...

Y2kk Update: I don't know what I'm doing, really...

Why do I wait? Who am I waiting for? Why do I even bother?...

Every single time I e-mail the girl formerly at my work, every single time I anticipate that she'd at least have the courtesy to spend five fucking minutes of her time to write me back, all I get in response is dead silence for weeks at a time. I don't know why I continue to keep contact with her, I really don't. She can claim she's busy all she wants, but when she responds back to only a third of my already infrequent e-mails, and often enough chooses to ignore every fucking direct question I ask of her in my letters, then I know that she really does not give a goddam shit about me whatsoever. It's always been this way, even when I thought we were close she would ignore me in every manner outside of the workplace, so why would things be different now? Why do I always fall for this goddam trap? Why do I still even bother with her? WTF?...

Every single fucking time I write her, I feel so damn fucking depressed whenever she never writes me back. I don't know why I put myself through this torture. What is it with me being a glutton for this emotional punishment? What do I ever get out of it? I know deep down inside that whatever she and I had, regardless of whether it was real or a mere figment of my imagination, is all but gone now after we both screwed things up so goddam badly. Neither of us had the courage to say what was needed to be said, but a large part of that was simply because she didn't have the fucking courage to ever take things to the next goddam step. At least I had the balls to tell her how I felt, only to get laughed in my fucking face as a result. I know she felt something for me, yet she won't even fucking e-mail me back when I goddam ask her to do me a fucking favour. Why do I bother to continue to choose to be slapped in the goddam face like this? What the fuck is the matter with me?...

During my sister's wedding period, there were two weeks that I took off from work, partially in order to prepare for this whole wedding thing for my sister, and partly so I could just try to wrap my head around all the emo issues I had going on in life. And to be honest, in those two weeks of pretty solitary confinement, I started finding peace within myself. Now sure, I guess I never really did forget the girl at work, I never really was able to bury how I felt for her deep down inside. But as the days went by and I never went to the workplace where I was reminded of every fucking thing that happened between the both of us, time started to heal my wounds. I started to move on, I started to slowly forget. After two fucking weeks of just getting to know who I am and to be myself, I was finally starting to goddam deal and move the fuck on...

That's when I went completely dumbass though. The Tuesday after my vacation, the very fucking second day that I returned to work, I was dumbass enough to take the underground route to Eaton's Centre. I don't know why I was possessed to do so that day, aside from the fact that I had a fucking bad enough migraine to leave work early to get some fucking air. I just wanted to take a walk to clear my head, but it was so fucking cold outside that I chose to stick indoors in the underground pathway instead. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking by doing so though, considering deep down inside I knew that this was the very same route that the girl at work takes back to Union Station from her current job near that goddam mall...

Earlier that day, I had read my horoscope in the free Metro News with aghast and ghastly horror on my face. According to the shit ass psychic who writes this shit, that very Tuesday I was meant to encounter my "true love" coming "out of a door". I laughed it off of course in the morning, only to receive a goddam fortune cookie at Manchu Wok at lunch that coincidentally read almost the same damn thing. WTF, right? I just shrugged it all off and didn't give it a second thought of course, not until I was halfway to Eaton's Centre in the underground pathway and realized my own goddam fucking mistake...

Now, I don't know whether this was a self-fulfilling prophecy or just goddam blind coincidence, but after I realized that I could very well have been making this 'prophecy' come true by being ignorant enough to take the same path that she does to get back home? That's when I wondered whether I should just turn back and call it a day, or trudge on and test the tides of fate itself. Terrified that I would run into her, I actually sped up my walk to the mall, hoping to get there before she leaves the office herself...

What happened though, was that as I was approaching the area where the underground pathway meets the doors of The Bay? That's when she appeared, waving her hand at me so blankly and innocently as if she hadn't ignored my e-mails for almost the entire past fucking month. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe my eyes. I don't believe in shitty ass horoscopes or astrology or any bullshit like that, but almost as if my subconscious mind had set up this meeting with her to prove a point, there she was right in front of me, just like the fucking newspaper that morning had read...

Was she my true love? I couldn't tell at the time, nor could I ever. All I knew was that I was still so fucking pissed at her for ignoring the fact that my sister was getting fucking married. I had written to her in my last fucking e-mail at the time, the exact date that my sibling was getting hitched, expecting a goddam congratulations or a wedding wish to my sister or some shit like that in return. But she didn't even have the courtesy to take five fucking minutes of her time to wish me and my family well for the event. How the fuck can't I be upset then? This kind of shit is important to me, not just general thoughtfulness, but goddam politeness and care for my goddam family and relatives. How could she be so cold, ignorant and callous? Really, she should have known this was fucking important to me. Doesn't she know me at all? Why the fuck else would I have mentioned the wedding dozens of times whenever we used to talk? WTF?...

Suffice to say, as the girl at work later described, I was "subdued and tired" when the both of us met then and there. I forget most of what I said, simply because I pretty much said nothing. I was just so blinded and so fucking angry at her, for ignoring me like she was, that I simply could not think of anything to mutter that would not have started an argument. I do remember what she looked like though, and to be honest, I caught my own self staring at her face and eyes and cheeks like a goddam puppy dog in love. She was more beautiful than I remembered, with a cute little scarf and an adorable little skirt. Doesn't change a thing though, that the person in front of me had treated me like such goddam shit in the past, that I felt like I was dealing with a goddam ex-girlfriend here...

She asked how things were with me, and if I was in a better mood, of course I would've started talking about my sister's wedding. But realizing that I would've just screamed her head off for completely ignoring or forgetting about the whole goddam event, I chose not to say a word about it, instead claiming that absolutely nothing had happened in my entire fucking life for the past fucking month of silence between the both of us. And she herself never fucking mentioned the wedding either. I was disappointed to say the least, but I just let it fucking be...

I don't know if she actually did remember the date of the wedding herself and was expecting or hoping that I would bring up the topic. All I do know, is that she refused to bring up the discussion herself, instead pretending like she knew nothing of the matter whatsoever. When I shrugged my shoulders and claimed I had nothing to talk about, she actually laughed a goddam scoff in my direction, not that I can blame her really. I don't know whether she was being truthful herself or not, or whether she could see through my own dishonesty. I just knew that it wasn't worth arguing over, not when I also realized we probably wouldn't talk for weeks or months after this anyways...

Instead of complaining about my own problems, I tried to get her to open up about hers. Of course I asked her how things were going for her and her family and her friends and work and all. For the latter, she used the term, "everything's going well, more or less". 'More or less', I recognized that phrase from the last time that she scolded me, demanding that I "say something" while baiting me to get into an argument in the office. When I asked her later that night whether she was alright, she used the exact term, "more or less". I remembered that well, her little personal code-phrase that all was not well in her world, and so I called her on it here when it came to one of her current coworkers...

Caught her by surprise, really. She actually acted impressed that I could read between her lines. She kind of laughed in a shocked but pleased way, confirming that I was right, that there were a few problems with coworkers in the office. She didn't want to get into the details of it though, and I didn't press her. She has her own life, and I have mine, I guess. Still, that was really the only highlight of our conversation. I could see in her eyes, she was actually kind of relieved that I knew her well enough to know when something was actually wrong, no matter how minor...

Obviously though, something was wrong with me. I didn't want to talk with her, I simply did not want to get into a goddam fight. She had ignored me for how long at that point? It was my turn to be cold at her, otherwise if we continued to speak, I couldn't guarantee that I would have been able to keep my goddam anger in check. So twice or maybe thrice during our conversation, checking my watch, I claimed that I "did not want to keep (her)" from making her train. I kept trying to get rid of her, I kept trying to get away...

In actuality, there was still plenty of time for her to make her ride home though. Hell, she had actually left work early because she had a headache just like mine, and if we both didn't leave the office at almost the same identical times, we never would've met up in the underground pathway where we did. But obviously, I didn't care so much for her punctuality at Union Station or even her state of mind. I just wanted to get rid of her before I lost my goddam temper with her once again. I think she got the message, as it was only a matter of time until I turned my back to her face...

That's when she said something that I will never forget. I don't know why I will never forget it, but I just won't...

"... it was good... seeing you again..."

She said that like she was going to cry. She said it like we were an ex-couple, and that we may never see each other again. She almost seemed bitterly sad, she said it with such sorrow, like she actually gave a damn about me in the end. In truth, I didn't believe her, though. What was my response?...

"... yeah... it was good... good, to see you again too..."

Goddammit, I couldn't even look up into her eyes with my reply. I was too frustrated, and too goddam ashamed to lift my fucking head from the goddam ground. With one fucking line, with one fucking bat of the eye, she had made me feel like a total guilty piece of shit all over again. How does she manage to do this? Why do I let her affect and control me so? What the hell is the matter with me? WTF?...

And that's all we said to each other. No matter how horrible I felt to leave her like I did, I didn't hesitate to turn my back to her and walk in the very direction that she came from. A part of me was urging to just ask her out for a coffee or tea or something, to get things off my fucking chest and get some more goddam closure. But I knew that she and I, we weren't friends anymore. We're just fucking acquaintances, nothing more and really nothing less. The harsh awkwardness of our encounter that Tuesday evening may have made it feel like we were "true lovers" who broke up badly from a fight, but the truth of the matter is, we were never actually together. We never became more than we are. I made mistakes sure, but she herself never had the courage to do anything but laugh. I had nothing but contempt for her in my heart at that point in time, and it just wasn't safe for me to go screaming over a hot cup of coffee at someone that suddenly felt so damn foreign and estranged...

... I miss her, I do... but never once have I gotten the feeling that she ever goddam misses me so...

... I need that feeling, I need her to care about my well being, but she never ever goddam gives a shit...

Since our last meeting, I've continued e-mailing her for God knows what reason. And just like before, she responds to a third of my e-mails, often ignoring every fucking question I ask of her in my goddam letters. She writes to me just enough to keep me on a fucking leash, and her responses are rare enough to drive me fucking insane, wondering where the fuck she is and what the fuck she thinks she's doing. She writes to me like she would an ex-colleague, and while that hurts me to the core, that sadly is the truth of the matter. I was never a real potential to her, I was never even a real goddam friend. She chose so many fucking other coworkers over me back in the past, and she's doing the same in the here and now with her new workplace. It hurts to be second place in anyone's heart, but worse than that, I don't think I've ever been on her top fifty goddam scale. She's never shown any sort of true affinity for me, and I could never deal with that in the past. What makes me so fool-heartedly believe I can goddam deal with it now?...

The other day, all of this was weighing so fucking heavily on my head, that I didn't even fucking pay attention to what the fuck I was doing or where the fuck I was going. Right in front of my house, with my over-protective parents watching to boot, I actually slipped on the ice for the first time in a goddam decade, scarring my left knee in the goddam process. The thing is though, even with blood gashing out of the wound, I couldn't help but fucking laugh. Sadly, the pain and torment from all this goddam emo bullshit I've been reliving and burdening for the past goddam months, all seemed to fade away for one brief moment in time. How could I not laugh then, that breaking open my knee actually hurt less than the memory of the goddam girl from fucking work? Thinking about her, shaking my head in disgust at how she continues to fucking mistreat me, was what caused me to fall and slip on the bloody hell ice in the goddam first place. Metaphor or moral or not, it's worth a goddam bittersweet laugh. In hindsight, always in hindsight, how the fuck could I ever have been so damn stupid?...

And yet I never cease to amaze in terms of bloody hell irrationality...

... I am truly an idiot who thinks he's in love...

... but it's been months now... why am I still so blind?...

I continue to write her. I continue to wait. I continue to hope, to no avail...

... and every single time, from all the silence, I hurt... I grieve...

... why is that though?... why do I ever put myself through this kind of pain?...

Because really, there's a simple and logical solution to all this...

... to stop writing her... to cease all fucking goddam communication...

... it's all so simple... at times, it all seems so clear...

And yet, I never manage to go through with any of this...

... why am I so scared?... what is it that I'm afraid of?...

... why is that?... why do I ever fucking bother?...

If I can't even talk with her for five fucking minutes...

... then to whom do I really write?...

... who am I waiting for?...

Y2kk Update: I had been waiting for this wedding for such a long time...

... anticipating it more than even my own sister did, I think...

I wanted her wedding to be special, to be magical... that sort of crap, you know?...

... and for her, I think it was, I definitely think it was...

She had the look of bliss on her face for the entire weekend. I mean, lady luck was definitely on her side. Not only was she glowing in her wedding dress, not only did her bridesmaids honestly look amazing in the gowns that my sister picked for them, but even the gods of weather were on my sister's side. My parents have literally been praying to the heavens for the past year now, that my sister did not make a mistake in choosing a winter setting of a wedding. But as it turned out, the two days of her wedding were probably the most perfect two evenings in all of the Canadian winter this year. There was just a brisk cold, nothing you can't stand outside. And the snowflakes so gently falling onto her dress as she and her new husband were leaving the wedding ceremony, was one of the most beautiful sights that I've ever gotten to behold in my life. My sister dreamt of having a winter wonderland of a wedding, and how could I not be happy for her when she just looked so surreal?...

I thank my new brother-in-law for going through all the trials and tribulations to make that day as happy as it was for my sister. It really means a lot to me and my family that my sister had such a perfect weekend...

The first day, it all started off in my own house with the groom picking up the bride. Being part of Chinese tradition, the bridesmaids all put the husband to be and his groomsmen to the test, and we certainly did get a lot of embarrassing videos shot with the digital cameras of this day and age. Meanwhile, I was sitting behind the scenes with my sister, the last time I'd be with her before she officially got married into another family. As my soon to be brother in law was doing dance moves while offering Chinese red bags of gifts and money to get to his bride, my sister admitted to me that she felt like she was going to hurl. She seemed so nervous, yet so serene at the same time. I was afraid that perhaps she might develop cold feet at the last second, or that perhaps her fiance would, but that never turned out to be the case. The butterflies they had was the good kind of nervousness, and it helped make the entire night so special for both of them in the end...

I won't get much into the details. There's no need to record them for myself, especially since they're already saved on video. The first night was the Western wedding and reception, and it was definitely the day that my sister put the most effort into. Aside from a small botch up with the wedding march song she chose, I don't think the night could have gone any smoother. My sister just looked so happy and so at peace when she finally got to say, "I do"...

And how the fuck can't I give my brother in law props for the speech he made to my sister at the end? While my sibling was spouting a whole bunch of "mushy" sayings like how she can see her future of grandchildren in his eyes, he put on his inner FOB and actually tried to karaoke sing Disney's "A Whole New World" for her in front of the entire audience. The entire Western reception was an entertaining night, not just from the bride and groom, but also from the poise and effort from everyone else involved. I mean, I just knew that this wedding would be a night to remember when my brother-in-law's friends even sang Flight of the Conchord's "Sello Tape" for them, A-Cappella style. What more of a sacrifice can you ask than that?...

But of course I felt awkward at times. I don't drink, and obviously I felt horrible whenever my new brother-in-law would ask to share a shot with me. The thing is, I did have champagne for the first time in my life, and didn't like the taste of it one bit. I would've definitely had a glass of wine too if that was ever going to be part of a toast, but I'm just not the type of guy who finds sucking down shots to be interesting and amusing. I wanted to take them with my new brother-in-law simply out of celebration and partially out of peer pressure, but I was also the designated driver for my brother that night, so I cowardly waved my keys and turned his offers down...

He was probably too drunk by the night's end to even remember me stifling him, but it was also a sound decision to stay clear of most of the alcohol of the night too, I think. My brother was able to have so much fun as a result, as I don't think I've ever seen him that drunk outside of his birthday. And while the snowflakes outside were absolutely beautiful as they fluttered around my sister like butterflies, they were absolute shit to drive through as they stuck on my windshield and no amount of washer fluid would clean them off. If I wasn't pissed off and fully alert, an accident could've easily happened on the goddam roadways. Then again, if I do have one true regret, it's that I really did want to at least try some of the lychee cocktails they had served there, and it probably would've been safe if I had. I didn't have the guts to go past the champagne though, as I just didn't know my own tolerance limit. I just hope I didn't ruin anything for my sister and brother-in-law as a result, for not trying to have the time of my life, and also for wasting their open bar policy to boot...

And as usual, of course I felt a bit scared when it came to the dance floor. Yes, I did manage to put in a few minute moments of dancing, but only with my mom after she turned out to be drunk enough off of wine to join my sister. Besides that, I spent the entire night just watching and gazing as every person I saw on that dance floor already had a date. Actually, I spent the majority of my time playing with all the small kids who did arrive with relatives that first night, as they wrapped me around with drapery and pretty much kicked the crap out of my ass. I don't know what it is with children and how they never find me to be an adult of a man. My brother says they test me and I always fail miserably, and once they smell weakness whether I sport a wine glass in my hand or not, they rally and target me for the rest of the night. On the one hand, it's good to be the centre of attention at times, even if it is from toddlers with martial arts. On the other hand, seeing all those rugrats around me and realizing that I don't know when I'll ever have one of my own, is definitely one of those key pivotal moments in your life that going to a wedding makes you most miserable for...

Because yes, I too am vulnerable to the kind of emotional, sappy shit you get from weddings. I was not the type to tear up and cry when my sister and brother-in-law shared vows at the ceremony, but I will admit that I was emotionally exhausted when all was said and done at the end of the first night. It wasn't just from being tired from spending my time as a useless usher or any shit like that, but rather from watching all the couples on the dance floor and wondering when the fuck it will be my own time...

This all carried over to the second night, the Chinese reception where most of the second cousins and other most distant relatives were invited to. My grandparents were there, and seemed so happy when my sister and brother-in-law did the whole traditional tea ceremony thing. Hell, my mother after balling her eyes out the night before, starting crying even harder from a little sip of symbolic herbs. The rest of the night went on perhaps a bit too long for my sister and brother-in-law, considering they were completely beat and mostly hung-over from the night before. They hung in there however, to give their relatives the most professional act they could muster. And while my sister was a bit of a mute in the process, I do thank them for showing such respect...

Meanwhile, I was still depressed as always for the reasons I outlined above. I was happy for my sister, I really was. But just like the old adage of a cliche, it hurts to see two people so happy when you can't find that same love to share with someone else. There were definitely women at the wedding that I thought were interesting to watch, especially on the dance floor with the kind of slits in their dresses that they had to steal the show. But like I said, most of them were already dates of others, and it intimidates me to ever see a woman on the dance floor in the first place. I will admit that at times, I do have the urge to dance. But I don't think I'll ever want to be the type of guy to just join in with a girl I've never met before, or barely ever knew. To me, a dance is something that's private to be enjoyed and remembered with someone you are close to. I just don't know when or if I'll ever meet the person that I will goddam invite to dance...

The only girl at the wedding that I really did try to talk to I guess, outside of family I suppose, was this shy girl from across the room. I didn't know who she was when I first spotted her, or why she was there considering she was sitting at the table that I originally was meant to be at on the second night. I had asked my sister to move me since that first table was not only overflowing with people, but far too busy and bustling with the friends and significant others of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. I'm not good with new people, and while I knew I would introduce myself reasonably well to them all, I had no confidence in actually sustaining an entire night's worth of conversation with them. I asked to be moved, and my sister grudgingly agreed, pointing out in the process however that she hopes that I talk and meet with the people at that table anyways...

Well, I did, but in all honesty, I did so only after I saw this girl sitting there aimlessly across the room. She looked so bored and so tired, and for sure she wasn't there anywhere on the first wedding night. She even looked a bit geeky to me, obviously so in an old fashioned dress and huge Chinese-rimmed glasses. I don't know why nerdy girls who seem so damn lonely and anti-social seem to be my sort of thing, but that was immediately the impression I got from the opposite side of the room and I liked it. She somehow caught my eye, and I felt the urge the walk over and actually introduce myself. Was it the right move in the end? I don't know, really. She didn't seem to want to talk to me at all...

Turns out, she was the younger sister of the girl that my brother-in-law's brother is marrying. I never would've guessed that, and to be honest, that both explains and creates more questions as to why she was there. Talking with her even ever so briefly, it was obvious that she was bored out of her mind. She found the entire night pointless, and was curt with me around 10 pm, claiming she had to get out of there as soon as possible to work the next morning. She didn't even wait for her sister to leave, and really, her sister was the only person she talked to all night long outside of generic introductions with others. It seemed to me that this girl was literally dragged by her older sister to this wedding party to be forced to mingle in a social environment, that's definitely the impression I got. She certainly didn't seem to want to talk to me at least, but even so, she left a bit of a lasting feeling as well...

The real question I have though, is when I was speaking with her, when I was staring at her face, who did I really have in mind?...

I'll admit, that thanks to taking a two week vacation, I have had a lot of time to think and try to get over the girl at work in my own mind. But I'll also concede, that she was the only real woman I was thinking of when it came to the first and second nights, especially after all those months of dreaming that I would invite her to be by my side. The thing is, I had e-mailed the girl at work about my sister's wedding long before, not to invite her (I would no longer do such a thing after all that's happened between us) but rather just hoping she would lend a wedding wish. You know, just to congratulate my sister on getting married, as small little gestures like that mean the world to me in terms of family. But she never ever e-mailed back, and I never heard from her for the entire goddam month before the wedding. She never even bothered to keep in contact, not a single damn word from her side. Of course I was hurt, and of course I was offended. How hard is it to take just ten minutes of your time to write me back and wish my sister a successful wedding and marriage? WTF?...

This girl at the wedding, I don't know why she reminded me of the girl at work, besides the whole shy and anti-social behaviour of course. But the whole aura of the experience, of seeing her across the room and then getting stifled afterwards, definitely reminded me too much of my own past with the girl formerly at work for my own good. I don't know whether I was really actually into this woman I met at the party, or whether I was just hoping she was someone else. All I do know, is that even after a two week vacation, there's still a lot in my mind that I need to settle and resolve about the girl I fell for at work. I want to get over her, I really do, but wedding bells and dresses just ain't gonna help in that department...

I realize I'm being selfish thinking about all this shit, when my sister was having the time of her life. I'm so happy for her, that her wedding night was even more perfect that she ever could have dreamed. The smile on her face was simply uncanny and unreal, it was like she was literally living that winter wonderland that she had always envisioned. She even got to dress up like a snow princess for a night, and I completely have to thank my new brother-in-law for caring so much for her to make this all possible. I wish I was even more happy for her, I really do. But being alone at a wedding, I think we all know leaves a few marks and scars along the way...

All I wanted from the girl at work was a wedding wish, that was all. But even five minutes of her time was simply too much. I felt like she had cut all communication with me, and maybe she has. Whether she had just forgotten about me or actively ignored me, I may never know. I just know how hurt I was, not that she would refuse to write me back, but rather that she couldn't even see past her and us enough to even wish my sister congratulations. Was that really too much to ask?...

She can ignore me all she wants, but when it comes to my family, I do take things personally...

... and yet still, no matter how hurt and angry I was at her, she was still the only girl on my mind at the wedding...

Doesn't matter though. I know I need to move past her, I know what needs to be done...

... and for now, there's nothing else I can do but just smile for my sister and try to be happy for her still...

I was waiting so long for this wedding for my sister, anticipating it even more than she was, perhaps...

... I know things went perfectly for her, I know just how happy it all made her...

But as selfish as this all sounds? I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do... I do...

... I just wish it all made me happy too...

Y2kk Update: There's a certain point, a breaking point, a boiling point, where a man just can't help but feel helpless...

Weddings so often bring out the best and worst in a person's feelings. And lo and behold, it's my sister's wedding tomorrow. Who would've thunk?...

To be honest, I'm both surprised that she finally is getting hitched, and disappointed at the same time that it's taken her this long. She's been living with her fiance for the better part of four years by now, and the thing is, while I know that fact alone does not guarantee a long lasting lifetime together (some people break up even after ten years of being together), I really did expect the two of them to commit to their vows a lot sooner than they have. Still, I am really happy for my sister, and I'm happy for both sides of the family as well. I'll go more into this after the wedding is done full and through though. Right now, I just have to concentrate on the fact that I want the following weekend to be the best in my sister's entire life...

The thing is though, as expected, I can't help but feel selfishly horrendous and miserable. It's at weddings where a person truly realizes more often than not, that he or she is still alone and waiting for that special someone that just feels right. The thing is, in my own personal opinion though, I almost feel like I did find the woman that is as right for me as I may ever goddam find. I'm sure almost every computer nerd out there would probably feel the same way about the girl I knew at work as I do, considering she was simply the cutest sort of geek that every man like me can ever hope to dream of. I don't know whether it was all in my head or not to this very day, but I really did feel I connected with her at certain times, at least until all the fighting and grating and arguing started between the both of us. I know that she liked me, I could tell as all the signs were all there, but she just didn't have it in her to let me take her hand out on a goddam date. And I have to live with that...

It's hard living with the fact that I may very well have found the girl of my dreams, only to blow my opportunity away in goddam frags of shrapnel. Just a week ago, I was heading to the kitchen in the office to get myself my usual cup of hot chocolate, when I noticed that two of the closest friends that the girl at work had in the office were just standing there by the coffee maker, whispering to one another about some sort of crap. I didn't think anything of it at the time, considering I had no clue what they were discussing. But as soon as I arrived fully in their sights and sounds on the scene, the both of them suddenly just completely hushed themselves and gave me this sort of ominous look in unison, as if they were talking about me behind my back or some shit like that. The thing is, I knew that the only thing that these two men had in common was having the girl at work as a friend or contact, and when they both shushed themselves as soon as they spotted me, I just got the worst sort of feeling like they were talking behind my back, about her that is...

Or for all I knew, the two of them were maybe meeting the girl formerly at work at a dinner soon or something, and I was simply not invited. I will never know I guess, considering as soon as I arrived on the scene, the both of them dispersed and didn't say a single goddam word. I don't know if the girl at work had told them what had transpired between her and I, and I don't know whether the three of them were all going to meet and she told them specifically not to tell me about it. But I do know how much it still hurts to be ignored and left out in the goddam cold like I was so many times when the girl I fell for was still in the office. All I really wanted was to be with her, to take her hand and to talk about all the things we used to find so much damn fun to discuss together...

I know she liked me, she gave me all the right looks and all the right smiles and she invited me out in a shy sort of manner, as if she at least had a crush. I will never understand how she could've had an attraction for me, but I could tell that she did, and I had already fallen madly in love with her by that point in time, so of course I got a bit nervous and overzealous. I think "clingy" is probably the best term, perhaps scaring her off in the process. But the thing is, I don't know whether I drove her away or if she simply retreated back herself. She admitted to me that she still has her crushes on men from time to time, but she just does not date. She does not want to have feelings for a man that she does not deem to be the right one for her in the end. While I can't help but shake my head at that, especially considering she could very well be the right woman for me, I also have to respect her decision...

I know how naive I must sound, and I know how naive I really must be, to think I've found the girl that I'm meant to be with this early on in my life, with a woman who won't even return my goddam calls. Because really, how the hell can she be right for me, when she doesn't even want to talk to me? Even when I thought we were close, I still felt like she didn't make a true effort to speak and be with me when it was all said and done. I mean, all because she smiles and laughs and flirts with her eyes at me, doesn't mean that her and I are ever meant to be together. Doesn't it show something, that she and I couldn't even begin to work out our differences when all the fights and bickering started? Doesn't it prove something, that she has so little goddam concern and forgiveness in her heart for me, that she won't even say hello any longer? And I know this, yes I know it all, but it just doesn't change the way I still goddam feel about her. It doesn't change the feeling and fear deep down in my gut, that she definitely had potential, and that I just lost perhaps the greatest opportunity of my goddam lifetime...

There's only really two ways to get over an obsession like the one I have with the girl at work. The first way is to obviously find a rebound girl, to fall for another with a physical attraction that completely makes me forget about the woman that just passed me by, at least for a little while. But considering the girl at work was the only real woman I've ever fallen for since my days back in goddam high school, I don't know if this method of madness, to find someone else to attach myself like a goddam barnacle to, will work for me in the goddam end. At least, not for years...

The other way to finally move on with my life is to simply cut off all communication, something that I tried to do several times during the past six months after she laughed in my face, but I never had the guts and courage to see all the way through. But it seems, she has a lot more valour or just a lot more fortitude than I ever will, considering she really has cut all communication with me. It all started back in August when a simple lunch date went completely awry, and since that point on, it's been nothing but the cold shoulder from her. Now that she's gone from the office, I haven't heard from her in weeks, and of course I'm starting to get worried. Not just because she's been completely invisible and I don't know what has happened to her, but because I know deep down in the pits of my gut, that she's doing this not just because she's "busy", but because this is the way she wants it to be between her and I...

It's a horrible feeling for a man, especially around the time of a goddam wedding, to know that the girl that could very well be the right woman, was lost because of my sheer goddam incompetence. But then again, at the same time I also have to realize, that I can't keep blaming myself for all the woes and problems that the two of us shared. The fact of the matter remains, yes I could have been a lot more smooth and patient in my dealings with her when the two of us had at least the smallest of things. I was rash and hot-tempered, and I got so jealous over her so many times. Hell, the delivery of how I felt for her was so completely forced, as I told her that I liked her after the day of two "schizophrenic" e-mails of apologies, in her own words no less. Everything was wrong, from my confidence to the timing of the whole goddam announcement, and I also can't help but blame myself for how I so immaturely acted towards her after it was all said and done...

Then again, can I really be blamed? She laughed in my face, and yet never apologized. The thing is, I also have to realize that while my delivery was all off, while I had no real confidence in the bowels of my gut, there also remains the fact that she simply did not want to date me. She had a crush on me, granted, but there have been so many women out there as well that I've had a crush on that I simply knew would not be right for me, and so I wouldn't have bothered to ever take their hand. The fact of the matter is, while I obviously felt that the girl at work was the first woman in years that I could see staying with as a couple for a very long time, she simply did not feel the same way about me. And she told me that, indirectly at least, in a pseudo-friend's speech when she returned back from vacation. She had three private weeks to think things through, and her conclusion was that she simply had no real interest in returning the hand that I extend. Can I really be blamed then? The fact of the matter is, as much as I wanted to be with her, she did not want to be with me, and I need to respect that. The choice was hers, and the ball is in her court now...

I can't keep second guessing myself, I just can't. It kills me inside every time I wonder to myself if things could have been different, if only I had gone with her downtown to dinner the first time she asked, if only I hadn't acted like a total ass the one time I did go out with her and her friend to a movie, and if only I could've been more of a goddam gentleman when I told her how I felt. But at least for these, I know that no matter what I did, no matter what I would try, she's still the type of woman that would refuse to date me, simply out of fear and simply out of principle. I keep reliving the past over and over again, when I know that there really wasn't much more I could have done to sway her heart or change the goddam outcome. As much of an idealist as I am, I am still a realist at heart. No matter what else I could have tried in the past, it would not have changed the present I find myself in. She made a choice, she made a choice to be alone, and we both have to live with it...

The big issue I now find myself with is, where do I go from here? If weddings really do anything to a psyche, it's that it makes the mind all the more vulnerable and palpable to suggestion, that perhaps things can work out in the future if only you put your heart and soul into it. The thing is, lately I've been lying awake in my bed at night, staring at the ceiling like a goddam ghost, just wondering to myself what the fuck I can possibly do to win over the girl at work from here on in. I keep dreaming to myself, what if I ask her out to dinner, would she respond? What if I surprise her with a birthday invite and present, would that change her mind? What if I went to a movie with her and her friends, to show her how I've changed, would then finally she take my hand? I keep dreaming of all these goddam scenarios, when really, I had my chance a long time ago and I lost her, I goddam lost her...

I know I never really had her, and I know I definitely don't have a chance with her now. I've tried to keep contact with her for the past month, sending e-mails and instant messages whenever she was online. The last time I did talk to her though, was when she merely replied she was too busy to speak with me, and then vanished offline before I could barely respond. And since then, I haven't been able to speak with her, not even once. It's been weeks now, and while I do know that she's been tired and busy, the fact that she has made absolutely zero time to even respond to any of my e-mails, is proof enough to me that she's trying to send a message. She's trying to break all communication, and I'm sorry that it has to be this way, for us and myself, but the only thing I can really do is goddam respect her decision. I can't keep second guessing everything that happens, lest I go insane. She made her choice, and we have to live with it. There's only so much of our shared fucking fates that I myself can goddam control...

I keep reliving the past and dreaming of the future. The cold, hard reality is, I did have a chance with her, but it was so fucking small. She just did not want to date me, and there was essentially nothing I could do to change her mind. And now that I've lost her, now that I've fucked everything up, she does not want to talk with me. She does not want to deal with me. I need to fucking just accept that fact, let her live her life, and move the fuck on. If she wants to contact me, she knows where to find me. But otherwise, what more can I do? What more is there to say?...

I had my chance, and I lost it. I can't keep second guessing the past, and I can't keep praying for a better future. I know this, I know all of this. But I guess, when it comes to the timing and tidings of weddings, a man just can't ignore the impending thoughts of his fate...

Six months ago, I was wondering to myself, I was dreaming, where would she and I be at this point in time?...

Would we be together at the wedding? Would she be by my side? Would I have her hand as we danced?...

... I guess, I have my answer...