Y2kk Update: The last time I was unemployed, things were a lot simpler. The last time I was jobless, things felt very different than now...

Back then, two years ago, there was no global recession to worry about. And even if there was, I still had the safety net of school at the time. When I got released from the government, I simply went back to my old life of university friends and skipping out on classes. Nothing really changed, and it didn't take long for me to find an entry level job straight out of school. That small little company at the time didn't even care about me, my manager literally told me that he just wanted to fill a seat with an intern. How could I possibly refuse then? I thought it was only a temporary stopgap in my career and that I would quickly move onto bigger and better things. I had hope back then, I had goals and dreams and goddam expectations...

Three months into my intern job, I had a choice back then. I was given two different offers, one as a developer from the small company I was currently at, and one from a law division in the government working as a system administrator and architect. The latter offered more money but unfortunately only on a contract basis, while the small company I was at was offering full time with benefits, and obviously it had the plus that I was just starting to fall for the girl at work that I loved. I chose to stay, simply because I was too scared and lazy to take what I knew would probably be the better job down the road. There was no guarantee that things would work out at the small company trying to make a name and a niche for itself, but I appreciated how they offered me the full time position that I wanted, and I figured that I'd only stay at the office for a year before moving onto bigger and better things. I was learning a lot under my manager's wing at the time and I had hope back then that I could grow and develop a heck of a lot more, so why bother with change? If only I knew back then what I certainly know now...

Things obviously didn't turn out well for me at the company two years down the road. In November, the place was going bankrupt, I experienced the worst embarrassments of my life when it came to the girl I loved, and I couldn't stand pretending to be on good terms with the coworkers I had there any longer. And on the day when everything came to a head, during the meeting where I was directly told I had the choice between staying and being laid off, my hand was fucking forced to resign my position without any goddam severance compensation whatsoever. To add insult to injury, not only did I lose the one friend I had made at the company after he turned his back on me to go drinking with his buddies, but the entire goddam company went completely bankrupt and down under just two months later down the road. If only I had waited on long enough, if only I had swallowed my tongue and pride for forty more days, I could have left the company on good terms with the status of being laid off, with five fucking thousand dollars worth of severance money along with whatever Christmas bonus they did manage to give out the month before. If only I didn't leave, maybe I could have kept my friend at the company and not been the brunt of jokes from the goddam cool kids whenever they went out for a smoke and a laugh...

But enough with memory lane for now. When it comes to my job search, I actually was offered a decent position at a very recognizable name in downtown Toronto. I interviewed with them just two weeks after I was kicked out of my old company, and even though I thought I fucked up when asked questions about inheritance and singletons in Java, they really liked my personality and even called me in to meet the director face to face. I actually did like the office location, although being by the waterfront, I would definitely get my share of flu from the freezing weather in winter. I actually did like the people there, I even helped out the receptionist when it came to finding WWE Raw tickets for her grandfather for Christmas or something. And the people at the company really seemed to like my enthusiasm and personality in the interview, as I personally do believe I make a very good impression when I'm not nervous or bogged down by technical questions that fuck me up. And definitely the name alone of the company was enough to make me want to take the job, as it would have been the first big private corporation to be added to my resume and it could have only helped to further my career with outside opportunities...

But when I received the job offer back in December, unfortunately there were a lot of reasons why I didn't take the position. Absolutely the most important on my list was that the job responsibilities were just not very good. It was an intern position first and foremost, and I realized that I would pretty much just be sitting there maintaining old PHP scripts and interacting with the MySQL database now and again. And of course, because this would have been the third intern position that I had taken out of three jobs in my career, the pay was once again too subpar for my liking. Worst than that, it was a contract for only six months, and six guaranteed months on a contract worth only 45K per year (compared to the 62K + benefits I was making at my old company) was just too little for the point that I'm at in my career. The offer was an insult even during the recession, and the hiring manager there knew it too. There was also the fact that I didn't feel there was much room to move up in this company. Sure, as an intern at the government and the small company I was at before, I eventually fought my way to better titles and better responsibilities, but did I really want to risk that entire process all over again with a company that I knew from the news was getting horribly hit by the recession? What guarantee would I have that I would not be unemployed six months or less down the road again?...

The company name on the resume may definitely help, but the skills and responsibilities of the job itself were just not good enough to really help me grow in my career, not when it's a technical manager instead of a clueless HR person interviewing me. I did like the people I met throughout the interview process and I appreciated that they gave me an offer. But considering I had potential opportunities at the time from two other sources that I thought had better long term prospects, I forced myself to turn this company down. And now, all these months later, I do kind of regret my decision, although it helps to remind myself that thanks to me giving them his contact information and turning their offers down twice, my close friend from university managed to snag this job and pay his bills. But still, I just can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had just taken this role instead. Where would I be right now? Who would I have become?...

I didn't receive any other serious offers from companies until this past weekend. About two weeks ago, I was contacted by a recruiter about this small firm out in Hamilton, where half of my work would be consulting and the other half would be working on actual .NET applications for law firms. The job description sounded great, but of course I was still wary about working for a small company yet again. At least with the first job offer I got back in December, despite downsizing all across their international locations, the corporation name itself on my resume would have done me wonders in my career. Another small company though, especially after what I experienced at the goddam small corporation that I chose over the government two years ago? Of course I was scared, I didn't want a repeat of history to happen. But at least unlike the first job offer I got after being laid off, where I would only get to tinker with PHP and occasionally Perl, this job description actually sounded interesting when it came to getting business requirements from real world clients and working with actual relevant technologies like .NET and C#...

Of course I went for the interview, and that's where both the pros and the cons of this small company instantly became apparent. On the plus side, the people I met were absolutely fantastic and were exceptionally kind and honest with me, they even waived the technical hands-on test they were thinking of forcing me through in the second interview. They were extremely accommodating, absolutely welcoming, and even the second interview at First Canadian Place in Toronto went pretty damn smoothly. They were easy to talk to, they were very learned and intellectual, I knew I could learn a great deal from working under their guidance, and I was sure that these three owners of the company would be just as agreeable to work with as the best managers I've met in my career so far. The job description sounded great, they would give me a ton of responsibility in the company along with for sure some great tips on how to suit up for meetings with the law firms. Everything about this small start-up sounded great on paper, but that's when the inner insecurities that I have decided to goddam flare up...

In my two interviews, the three owners I met at this company were all great and outstanding people. The problem though was that during these two interviews, the three people I met turned out to be the only employees of this entire company. In fact, if I chose this job, I would be only the fourth employee and the first actual dedicated developer that they have. I mean, when I first heard that this was a small company, I imagined something similar to my old office, with fifty workers or so at any given time. But honestly, to be just the fourth person to be hired, and to be the only true employee when the other three were all owners and best friends for years and decades even? I'm sorry, but that scared me, that fucking petrified me to the bone. The responsibilities they offered sounded great, but only if I truly had a peer to work with when things got tough. I would feel so damn intimidated if the only coworkers I could rely on are the actual owners who control my fate. Not only that, but this small company was just starting up, barely with any business, and they wanted me to help start their entire product line. I don't know if I can deal with that kind of responsibility, in all honesty. I don't know if I can deal with that kind of pressure...

Even more than that, even if I gave the job everything I have, who's to say that I won't be unemployed again just a few months down the road? How can they possibly expect to develop a sustainable business in current economic conditions? They were kind and conservative people, and I believe them when they said they're trying to do well. But what are the chances that they will succeed? As much as I actually enjoyed the interview process with them, as friendly as I thought all three of them were, it would absolutely intimidate me to hell if I had to sit down and work alongside my owners five days a week. Who can I confide in at this company, who can I hang around if things go wrong, where can I finally act and feel like myself? At every other office I've worked at, there has always been at least one peer that I've been close to, both in personality and age. But here, where the only other employees are the owners who are twice my age with families of their own, I know I would feel so alone and segregated. And really, knowing me and how anti-social I can be when things get tough, how could I deal with putting on a friendly smile and forcing up some small talk five days a week, if not more than that when the company is on the line?...

It was a risk, I knew it, but I decided to let the interview process play out as naturally as I could. I was just my normal self when it came to every talk I had with the owners, and they really did get the impression that I'd be a good employee, both in the office doing development work and outside the office getting chummy with business managers at law firms. It's nice to be appreciated, and it's nice to receive what I felt was a very generous offer from them. They were willing to give me close to 60K a year, plus extra bonus incentives since my full time status would not include benefits at this time. That's very decent pay, and just like at my old company, the one thing that I truly do enjoy at small little offices is flexibility, both in terms of working hours and dress code. It was a very tempting offer, and it broke my heart in all honesty to let this opportunity go. But just like with the first job sheet from the large company that I got way back in December, I still feel like I have another option on the table that is better suited to my goals in life, to what I actually do want in a career...

I felt horrible for leading on these owners of the company, who probably provided the kindest and easiest interviews I've ever had in my life, and I sincerely hope I did not insult them by rejecting their very generous offer during a recession period such as this. But right now, until I have no other options on the table, I'm just not secure and confident enough in myself to take on this kind of responsibility. I would be their first employee and their only true worker. The weight of their world would rest on my shoulders when I don't even know at this point in my career if that's what I really want. I want to grow, yes, but if I'm going to take on that big of an onus of opportunity, I'd like it to be on my own terms with my own company years down the road. Now of course, my pride and dignity hate the fact that part of the reason I bailed on their package was because of fear and a complete lack of confidence in the skills I have. But at the same time, I realize any incompetencies I may harbour in my heart all stem from the fact I have wasted away my talents for the past two bloody years at a small fucking company. I do not want to risk history repeating itself. The owners themselves mentioned how they used to work in blue chip companies to horde capital and develop their skills, and after suffering through a shit company that fucked me over during a recession, I can't help but want the same for me...

So really, what is this so-called better opportunity that I dropped two decent job offers for? You see, there's this big bank in downtown Toronto and I've been chasing a Java and WebSphere developer job there since goddam November. I was contacted by a recruiter back then, and not only was I absolutely ecstatic about potentially adding this company name to my career resume, but I also really liked what the recruiter said about the job responsibilities and how I'd be groomed as a potential technical manager in the future. And really, during a recession, who wouldn't want to work at a bank, especially the one that global international reports have pegged as perhaps the most stable and prosperous one right now in the entire world? If I got to work there, not only is the location great in downtown Toronto, not only would I be getting very good pay (starting around 60K plus benefits for full time), and not only would I have a very good chance of moving up the ranks if the recruiter is to be believed? I'd also finally be able to feel secure in the fact that I made it to a company that may survive this recession, a company with a name to be proud of, a company I've actually wanted to join for a very long time. I mean, after being at a small corporation that just embarrasses me every time I remember my goddam experiences there, I just want a place where I know I will be as close to secure as bloody possible...

It's not just the job itself that entices me, but it's the fact that I will be in a place where finally I can feel like myself again. When I talked about flexibility with small companies, I do appreciate working from 10 pm to 6 pm, or going home with half days on Friday afternoons. But at the same time, I sadly do want to feel like just a cog in the machine, I really do want my private time alone and lost in the cubicles. When I worked at the government, I actually appreciated the divide I had between meetings with managers and working silently by myself in my little segregated area. Some hate that feeling of being just a random employee number, and interviews at small companies always cite it as a con of the big bad companies. But in all honesty? That's what I want, my own private space where I can be myself when I need to be, to rest up so I can be that social extroverted IvanF when required as soon as I step out of my little protected world. I need that wall, I need that space, and I constantly felt exposed and violated (as sad as that sounds) when it came to the open concept at the small company I was at. I never felt comfortable, I never truly felt safe, not since I left the government that is. I can't guarantee that I will always want to hide myself away in a cubicle, but for now, that is what I want. I want that office space kind of life back, no matter how much it's been goddam ridiculed...

Even more than that, the key is that I will be in a huge office community where I can meet a lot of new people, and maybe meet a group of new friends that lead me to bigger and better things. If I work at a small company, especially one in Hamilton, I may always feel connected to the few people inside the office, but I will feel so separate from the rest of the world, even when I'm out consulting I'm sure. But at a large company, at a huge national bank in the middle of downtown Toronto, I have the chance to meet someone, I have the chance to muster up the courage to finally say hello. It's no sad secret that the only girls that I have been interested in have been the ones I met at work or university, as I really need proximity and time to become familiar and comfortable with a person I know. I wish I had the guts to just walk up to a random woman and ask her out, but that's not who I am and the ones who say yes are not necessarily the girls I want to be with either. Being downtown at the heart of both business and tech companies gives me an opportunity and a long lost hope of perhaps filling that gaping hole in my heart leftover from the girl at work that I loved for so long. I just want a chance to move on with my life the only way I know how to, that's all. I don't feel like I can do that at a small company in the middle of nowhere, but I do feel I have a shot at meeting the right girl and the right group of friends if only I finally could get into the company I've been hoping of for so long...

That's why I couldn't take the offer from the small company, because I just couldn't give up on this opportunity to finally feel like an equal to my university peers, to finally have a chance at the kind of professional and social life that I've always wanted. I know the recruiter would tell me anything to keep me on her potential payroll, but even so, at least according to her, it's down to just me and one other candidate for this role at the big bank that I've sadly been dreaming of joining for the past five years. I still feel horrible about rejecting the offer from the small company that put so much faith in me over the past couple of weeks, and I don't know if I'll ever meet nicer company owners and managers in my lifetime again. But for me, sadly, this big bank in downtown Toronto is the chance of a lifetime, to finally put my career back on the right track that it should've been if I never took the fucking job at my old company in the first place...

Time after time again in the past, I made the quick and safe decision to stay in my comfort zone, I never really had the patience or the courage to get what I truly wanted in life. Last week though, when I got that job offer, I just couldn't make that same mistake again, I just couldn't. I may feel like an unemployed fool if I don't get this position at the big bank, but deep down inside I know that my decision was the right one. Of course I also realize that I had the option of simply taking this job at the small company but still have my second interview with the bank, and then if I received an offer from the latter, quit the small company and never look back. But I'm sorry, I'm just too much of a man who wants to be honest and honourable to ever allow myself to pull a stunt like that. Now yes, I know I tend to exaggerate and lie in the heat of the moment, I know I have so many phony faces that I often put on. But can I ever premeditate a lie, can I ever look a person in the eye and tell them I'm willing to commit to a job that I know I may simply leave two weeks down the road? Not at all, I just can't do it, I just don't have it in me. I may not be a good guy at all times, but a good guy is what I want to be. And I just couldn't do it to this nice Hamilton couple, so I told them the full truth and may have thrown any hopes of being goddam employed out of the window yet again. In some ways, I'm sorry that I did, but like I said, I just can't give up on what I truly want. And yes, it's true, I actually do know what I want...

I know what I want in life. I know what I need to feel right about myself again. I want a job that sadly yes, makes me feel on equal footing to my peers from university, who all got great opportunities at big companies straight out of school and are now moving onto having families or getting managerial positions or whatever sort of crap. I want a career where I can look myself in the eye and be confident that I can honestly achieve anything I put my mind to, that I can jump to another company or fight for a promotion simply because I want it. I want an office where the days that I'm feeling like myself, I can exert my personality and hang out with coworkers who have similar values and interests as I do. And for the days when I feel horrible and secluded, I want my own personal space where I can stay hidden, where I can recover and grow at my own pace and not be judged by the harsh world outside. I want a fucking office where for once I feel safe, where I have confidence in both myself and the company that I goddam work for. I want to learn and grow and develop a career that I'm not ashamed to mention to a friend or a recruiter, and I want the chance to finally prove to myself that not only can I earn that technical manager spot that I've always dreamed of, but also prove that I can move on from the mistakes of my past for once in my goddam life. I want to feel the same damn self-respect and bloody hell hope that I did all those years ago. And honestly, is that really too much to ask? I know what I want in life, I honestly do...

Yes, I know, a job can't guarantee all that. Money and a career cannot guarantee happiness, I know that all too well. But after two fucking years of feeling so damn lost and adrift, simply because I was too damn lazy to leave a bad job that was paying me all too well? God, I'm so sick of settling, so tired of giving up on what I actually do want. Dumb decision or not, I needed to take a chance at the opportunity I desire, at the career that I dream of, and at the goddam life that I thought I would have by now. This opportunity is exactly what I wanted five years ago, and this is exactly what I want right now. What I want is to finally prove to myself that I can be whoever I actually want to be. Now of course, I don't know if I can get this position for certain, nothing is absolute, and I'm sure I'll feel like a complete goddam dunce if I don't. But I just couldn't give up while I still have a chance, you know? I just couldn't look myself in the goddam mirror if I did...

And in that sense at least? I may have regrets, but at least now I have some semblance of self-respect that I made the hard but right choice...

The last time I was unemployed, things were a lot simpler. The last time I was jobless, I certainly felt a whole lot different...

This is my chance to correct the course of my history. This is my chance to prove who I am and who I want to be...

... wish me luck...

Y2kk Update: It's been a long time since I last updated this website of mine. Really, I've been through long spiels of simply having no will to write over the past year or so, but never have I gone through a goddam drought like this. Why is that?...

Is it a complete lack of confidence and motivation? I lost my job last year under horrible circumstances. It was my fault that I didn't try to leave my company earlier, even though I was miserable there and I knew it was a sinking ship. I wasn't learning any new skills, I wasn't helping out my resume, and I hated my coworkers there, I really honestly did. Why did I stay, simply from the money? And then when the time came and I finally had the chance to leave the company, I took it and went out looking like a total fool in the end. Now sure, I'm proud that I got to say right to my boss' face that I rejected his offer to stay under his wing. What I'm not proud of, is the fact that my company went bankrupt just two months later back in January. If only I had waited that long, not only would I have been properly laid off instead of being forced to quit, but I would've gotten almost five grand in compensation money instead of the fucking grand total of zero that I left with. My only consolation? At least by quitting and essentially spitting in the company owner's face, I have a decent story to tell sometime down the road...

Besides the loss of money and the feeling of helplessness after becoming unemployed, I guess I just feel miserable and terrible still because it almost feels like I've lost all my friends in this world. I'm the kind of guy who values loyalty and dedication far much more than he should, probably to a goddam fault. When it comes to others, if they show proper appreciation of me, I will reciprocate ten-fold since I've always been the naive child who is far too eager to trust. This coworker of mine back at my old company, the partner who I worked side by side with for two whole years, I was really hoping that he would be the first colleague of mine to truly become a friend after I leave the workplace. We didn't just work together, we actually went out to lunch and talked about life every single day. For his wedding, which I was always interested in and was always trying to lend a helping hand towards, I gave him and his wife two hundred bucks out of my own wallet, and that was during the period when I knew the company was folding and I had made my decision to depart. He thanked me for the generous donation, sure, but it came under bad circumstances where he never quite forgave me for taking my ball home and leaving him alone in the company. I had actually told him to his face that I was planning to leave if given the option, it's just that he never believed me. And how could he really, considering I'm always the kind of guy to tell half truths as a joke? I always speak my mind, it just doesn't sound like the truth when it comes out of my mouth, that's all...

A couple weeks after I left the company, I was back in town interviewing for a large corporation in the area. Even though he and I had barely spoken for those last two weeks, half because things were awkward thanks to my decision to quit, and half because I felt he had already become distant thanks to stress surrounding his wedding, I still invited him out for lunch because he had been my colleague and friend for two years and I didn't want to lose that relationship. The problem is, he surely must have realized that one of the reasons why I left the company was because I couldn't stand any of my other coworkers, right? I realize that at times I'm anti-social to a fault, but why the hell would I want to hang out with the bunch of assholes who ignored me and laughed at my awkwardness for the past two years? When I arrived to meet up with my friend from work, I didn't care to see anyone else. Yet for some fucking goddam reason, it turns out that he had secretly invited everyone else at the company out to lunch with us behind my back, without even fucking asking if it was alright to do so. Shouldn't he know me better than that, shouldn't he at least have asked me for my permission before giving the fucking assholes at work the goddam green light? WTF?...

I understand that even two months after this goddam lunch, I'm taking this stuff too seriously and personally. So what if I went out to lunch with eight or so guys that I could hardly stand even when I was getting paid a lot of money to do so? It was just one lunch, and the reason my friend from work had asked them out was because he had gotten much closer to them over the past month or so, especially after I left. He was part of their "cool kids club" now, where they would go out drinking all night and complain about their girlfriends and spouses, shit that I really couldn't relate to (which is why my friend was starting to feel distant towards me for the past month or so, because he could suddenly relate to them much more than I). I realize that maybe I shouldn't have made such a big deal about the whole ordeal, it was just one lunch and even though they were assholes for two years, the other guys just wanted to say goodbye...

What I did not appreciate however, was the fact that when I was honest and brought this up with my friend, instead of being understanding with me like I thought he would have just a couple months ago, he got fucking angry and annoyed at me instead. He blew up in my face, saying that I'm far too over-sensitive and anti-social and that I've got to learn to just lay back. Now granted, I can't really argue with his sentiments, but he chose to get pissed off and tell me all this on a day when he invited his beer drinking buddies out behind my back to a lunch that I had privately scheduled with him alone for a goddam reason? Really, after trying to leave my job and being forced to quit without severance in the process, my friend was the one who had the right to talk down to me as if I was some goddam moron? WTF?...

And even though I've barely talked to him since the lunch incident, not from a lack of trying might I add, the few remarks he has sent my way back have been insulting and disrespectful and not in the way he used to joke with me for two fucking years. He has complained how dumb I was for quitting the company when it was going to collapse just two months later, he tells me how great it is to go drinking outside with the coworkers all the time and how I should have given them a better chance, and whenever I have tried to contact him to salvage our friendship, he never responds back until he needs something, like if he has a job interview and requires my reference...

Really, this is the friend that I trusted for two whole years, a guy who not only completely did not respect or understand that I wanted a private lunch between him and me, but a guy who gets angry at me for calling him out on going behind my back? I know I'm overreacting, but even all these months later down the road, I still shake my head at how naive and completely foolish I must have been to trust him like I did. He turned on me and joined the beer drinking club in just two weeks time, that's all it took for our friendship to become null and void to him. He may have felt like I betrayed him by leaving the company, but it wasn't my problem he didn't believe in the words I said. Maybe he was naive too, I don't know. I just know that now he's no better than any other coworker I've left in the past and never contacted again until I needed them. This isn't what I wanted, but it's just the way things are, I guess...

It's not just my coworker of a friend who's been bothering me all these months. There are a couple of friends from university that I trusted quite a lot in the past, and arguably I still do to this day. That's not to say I don't have my gripes and my grudges, however. I mean, I know it's petty of me to hold this against him, I should just let bygones be bygones in the past. But when my grandfather died, one of my close friends remaining from university almost completely ignored the fact that I was in pain. At the time, he was ranting on and on about the troubles with his girlfriend, and after listening to him for half an hour or so, I finally cut into a moment of silence and told him that my grandfather had just passed away. His response? "I'm sorry to hear that." Okay, that's fine, that's a start. I was ready for him to ask me how I was feeling, I was expecting him to get me to open up about the memories I have about my grandpa, but none of that happened. Instead, he simply started ranting about his girlfriend again, about meaningless and trivial things like what they bickered about the night before over the phone...

Really, this is the guy that I was trusting all my secrets to for the past five or so years or whatnot? I know I shouldn't be harbouring ill feelings towards a guy who simply is not sensitive or political enough to know when to shut up, and it was mostly an isolated incident afterall. But he never actually asked me about my grandfather afterwards, since probably he's of the misguided approach that you shouldn't bring up bad memories unless the other person first asks. I guess I can respect that, but it certainly brings into question whether I can rely on him or not. He never apologized, he probably doesn't even remember what happened. I still talk to him, but do I trust him? I pretty much listen. That's all I am there for him, I suppose. I'm there if he needs me, but I don't need him. I guess, that's what old friends are for...

There's another university friend of mine, a close one that I used to always go to lunch with, both before and after I got him a job at the company I used to work for. To be honest, it was bugging me how silent he's been towards me for the past few months, he's practically ignored my messages every time I try to contact him again. But I understand that part of that is due to a complete lack of confidence after losing his job. To be perfectly honest, part of the reason why I did quit was because I couldn't stand what the company was doing, laying off employees while keeping others on the payroll behind everyone else's back. My university friend, he was one of the first casualties, and of course I was upset. Semper Fi, motherfucker, and it's not like I wanted to continue being in that office anyways, sitting on my ass doing nothing everyday. But ever since that moment of solidarity between friends, he's been cold and quiet towards me, as if he doesn't appreciate all that I've tried to help him out with over the past fucking years. I can't say I blame him, he has no motivation to talk to anyone at all I'm sure, just like I had no motivation to write. He's always been a truthworthy and loyal guy towards me in the past, it's just hard to see him that way anymore, that's all...

The day that I went to lunch with my former coworker of a friend, when the lunch incident happened and I got torn a new one about my anti-social sensitivity? The large company that I was interviewing for that day, I was eventually given a job offer from them. I turned them down because I thought I had better options in my midst, and the salary they had presented was simply not enough compared to what I was making before. But it was definitely more than what my university friend at my old company had been making before being laid off, and he needed the money far more than I did in the first place. So yeah, part of the reason why I chose to turn down that offer (not once but twice, since they liked me so much) was because I gave them my friend's contact information and was hoping that they would hire him...

Well, this month it finally happened, they hired my friend and now he's starting work at the company that I goddam vouched for him towards. It may not be the greatest pay, but the office is close to his home and it's absolutely a great and recognizable name to put on the resume if things don't work out. And I guess what's bugging me now is that even though my friend knows that I put in a good word for him (they even mentioned me during his interview), he never once bothered to contact me that he got the job. Eventually, I had to take initiative, and even though technically this is now the second fucking job I've helped him earn, he still didn't thank me. He still fucking ignored me as if I had nothing to do with the whole thing at all. I realize that it was his skills that got him past the interview process, I realize that it was his knowledge that earned him the job, but he knew damn well that I was the one who not only turned down the position partially for him but also gave them his fucking contact information in the first place. And he doesn't even give me a goddam thank you? He doesn't even tell me the good news that he got the job? I thought this was the guy I've trusted for five fucking years or more. I know he's been feeling down on himself for a while, but doesn't he now have a reason to actually goddam talk to me for the first time in months? I've been trying to get through to him, and yet even when I help him to get what he wants, he still gives me the cold shoulder? WTF?...

And yet none of the losses I've mentioned above in my life even begins to compare to the fact that one of my longest standing friends, one of my best friends in my entire life, has just chosen to turn his back on me as well. This friend of mine from all the way back in elementary school, he's always had a habit of choosing to ignore me when something better comes his way. He's always come crawling back to me in the past though and he always apologizes, so I still have hope that maybe someday he will. At the same time however, this is the third fucking period in my life where he has abandoned me, this is the third fucking time he's ditched me for something better or worse. I've trusted him in the past, but how the fuck can I trust him again? Time after time, he betrays me. What the fuck happened this time around? WTF is wrong with him?...

He knows that I lost my job, and I'm afraid that his parents told him not to associate with a loser such as me or some crap like that. His parents have never liked me, no matter how hard I try to show respect towards them, even going so far as to helping them out with groceries for two fucking hours on a Friday night. They've always felt that I was holding their son back somehow, that if I (the uneducated computer engineer with only a bachelor's degree) was somehow out of his life, then he would be more like his sister, getting his PhD while dating some rich significant other making six digits at the very least. Hell, the only thing that they like about me is the fact that I dragged my friend into the sport of golf, which they believe will help him find friends and girls with MBAs and doctorate degrees once I'm out of the picture. I still don't know if that was the reason why my long standing friend chose to abandon me again, just weeks after I fucking lost my goddam job, but something had to pull the trigger. I just don't know what and he won't tell me, let alone talk to me, that's all...

As soon as the Christmas season began? I kept trying to contact my friend, I kept trying to phone him or e-mail him, as he used to respond every fucking day, but I never heard anything back. For days and days, then weeks after weeks, I tried to get in touch with him, writing him multiple times a week, calling him every weekend in hope that he picks up, and yet nothing, I heard absolutely nothing back on his end of things. Without warning, without reason, he was simply gone. By the time Chinese New Year came along, it was almost two fucking months after he completely started ignoring me, for reasons I didn't even know. He and I had bought Toronto Raptors tickets together, lower bowl seats that cost us $100 each, except that I had been the one to purchase them on my credit card and I was the one who offered to let him keep his cash until the day of the game. The day of the game had almost arrived, and I still was unemployed and a hundred dollars short thanks to the friend who I fucking hadn't heard from in two fucking months. I called him for Chinese New Year and once again, he told me he was too fucking busy to talk to me, even for two fucking minutes. That's when I brought up the goddam Raptors tickets, reminding him that he had promised to buy a seat and go to the game with me. Wow, he suddenly had two minutes to talk to me, as he made it abundantly clear to me that he was too "stressed" from work to go to the game, and he made it goddam clear that he wasn't going to fucking pay either...

What the fuck is his problem? He promised long ago to pay for the ticket, he knows I'm fucking unemployed, and then he doesn't even offer to pay his fucking share of the goddam game? Hell, just the offer of wanting to pay me back would have been enough, as I probably would have grown a soft spine yet again and said it wasn't a big deal. I would have been happy to realize that he still wanted to be my friend, even after two months of ignoring my daily e-mails and weekly phone calls, simply because he had the courtesy and the loyalty to pay out of his pocket for a ticket he wasn't even going to use. But instead of any of what I had hoped would happen, he first tells me a lie saying that he's too busy to even speak with me for a minute on a goddam weekend for Chinese fucking New Year. And then when I remind him of the tickets he conveniently had forgotten all about, he stays on the phone to fucking lecture me how busy and stressed out he is from working and that I don't know the kind of pressure he's under because I'm fucking goddam unemployed? Really, that's all he has to say to me after two whole fucking months of ignoring me like I haven't been his friend since Grade fucking 2? What the fuck is wrong with him? Where the fuck was my apology, where the fuck was my loyalty, where the fuck was my friend? This is really the guy that I've trusted all my secrets and feelings to for the past twenty or so years of my life? This is the guy who was my friend? WTF?...

I don't know why it's taken me three months to finally write about all this shit, but now you two remaining readers out there know exactly what has been going on with my life. Everyone that I knew and trusted has abandoned me, I feel. Everyone that I thought was my friend wasn't there in my times of need, whether it was after I was forced to quit my goddam job, or whether it was my university friend ignoring the death of my grandfather as if it was just another day in the office. I know I've over-reacting in a lot of situations, I know I'm being oversensitive about so much, just like my former coworker of a friend lectured me about the day of the lunch. But I'm sorry, I base everything that I am on loyalty, dedication and honesty. And I'm just sorry that it seems that every quality that I hope that I have, just isn't true in any of the friends that I've known for so long. And it certainly doesn't help that my brother moved out of the house and my cousin left for medical school. It seems to be only family that I can trust these days, but simply because life moves on, even they are never really around. I just feel alone, that's all...

My coworker left me for his drinking buddies the moment I left out the door. My university friends abandoned me the moment they had to listen to my problems, even though I've spent years listening and counseling them on their own. One my best friends in my entire life, my goddam friend for twenty damn years, suddenly starts ignoring me the moment that I need him and never fucking gives me an apology or an explanation as to why. Because of him, I had no choice but to treat my father to the Toronto Raptors game that night, which turned out to be a good thing except for the hundred dollar hole in my unemployed pocket from my goddam friend. Really, I know I may be oversensitive, I know I'm far too naive and easy to hurt, but can I really be blamed for feeling miserable and betrayed? You two readers out there know how wounded I was with the girl that I love. Do I really need more of the same from my goddam friends?...

I know what I want in life. I know what I want to make myself feel right about who I am. I want my coworker of a friend to finally contact me back, just to make sure I'm alright, just to invite me out to a private lunch to make up for the insensitive debacle that was. I want my university friends to contact me again, not because they want me to listen to them whine, but because they want to hear my complaints and my problems for once in their goddam lives. I want my university friend to make up for the grandfather callousness that was, by simply asking me how I am every day, if I'm alright and if I feel like my life is moving forward. I want my other friend to finally just thank me for getting him his new job, maybe invite me out to lunch to show his appreciation, or even just ask if I want to hang out. And my close friend from elementary school, the one that I once considered to be the best friend I had in life? Why can't he just apologize, why can't he just phone me up and realize that he's been hurting me for the past three months? I just want him to contact me, sincerely say he's sorry for abandoning me again like he did all those years ago, and offer to make it up to me after all he's said and done. That's all I really want at this point, I just want my friends to be friends. I just want them to trust me as much as I once trusted them. Is that really too much to ask? I know what I want in life, I really honestly do...

It's been a long time since I last updated this website of mine. Can you really blame me though? Until I find meaning back in life, until I find real love or a real friend I can trust, what goddam reason do I have to write?...

I write because I care... which is why I haven't...

Y2kk Update: Last week was my first week unemployed in a very long time. I wouldn't feel so bad, if other things in my life were going alright...

Today's my cousin's birthday. Problem is, I can't celebrate with him because he's off at Queen's University, drowning his birthday joys in merry drink and bosom, I'm sure. Meanwhile, I dropped my parents off at the airport this morning for their trip to California and Las Vegas. I was tempted to go along with them, even though I'd be stuck on a tour bus going around San Francisco and San Diego at an American Thanksgiving time like this. Hell, I wouldn't even get to enjoy the joys of Black Friday and all the deals I would be able to buy if the Canadian dollar wasn't such shit right now. But I don't know, besides the fact that my parents had already booked their tickets, I just didn't have the impetus or motivation to go down to the States. I guess I'm not happy right now, but being unemployed is the least of my concerns in that regard...

Last Tuesday, I stepped into my old office for perhaps the last time. Well, hopefully the last time, considering I begged to be laid off with everyone else, only to be forced to quit in the end, simply because I couldn't stand being there anymore. In the end, the HR manager did lay me off officially, although with no severance pay whatsoever, as I had to go into the office that Tuesday to sign my termination papers. Part of me wanted to simply stick with the "I Quit" on my resume, out of principle and pride for what I did in standing up for myself. Then again, the fact of the matter is, I'd have a hard time getting employment insurance money if I didn't agree to be laid off like I originally asked to be, although at the time I was hoping I would get a goddam severance package along with the pink slip...

Believe me, I looked up whether it's legal for them to lay me off with no bonus money whatsoever, and apparently it is for small companies with employees who have worked there for less than five years straight. So really, with no legal power over them whatsoever, I just decided to take it up the ass again, sign my name to make their papers look more pretty, and then sucked it all up in hope that they don't screw me over in terms of my record of employment needed for employment insurance. Like I said, part of me still wishes my "I Quit" message had simply stayed there in writing out of spite and principle, but in the end the only thing I have is my own word of mouth and biased story anyways, so who cares what it really says on paper? I wanted to leave, so I left...

I met up with my coworker that afternoon for lunch, the guy that I've been going out to lunch with for over a year now every single day, the guy who I gave a handsome reward to for his wedding the other Friday. He certainly didn't seem happy to see me, in fact he appeared downright pissed. He almost sounded like I had betrayed him, considering he wasn't even here the day that I opted to leave the job. I mean, I told him countless times at lunch before that I couldn't take my job anymore, that I wanted to get out of that place as soon as I could get a severance package, but it seems he thought I was joking and never once believed me. In the end, I think his feelings were hurt because him being there was not enough for me to stay. I mean, I knew he was being retained at the company, but I still chose to leave, simply because bitching about shit at lunch was simply not enough for me any longer. I have had enough of this company, and in some respects, that includes this coworker of mine too. I respect him and enjoyed working with him, but it was time to move on. I know he won't be pissed at me forever, but it still kind of cut deep the way he disapproved of my decision. I mean, I expected it from my parents and family and some of my friends, but from him? I guess, I caught him by surprise and he did the same to me...

The big story for me this past Tuesday though, was that I finally did meet up with the girl at work, the one that I've fallen for harder than I ever could've fucking imagined. I had intended to meet up with her the week before, and when she didn't respond to me because she "forgot" she had even asked me out, I was torn apart from the inside out like vultures picking at my liver. But I sucked it up because I know that's what I need to do, and I know I needed to show courage and boldness if I'm ever going to get the girl of my dreams. So since she finally did send me her phone number for the first time in the two years I've known her, I decided it was worth another shot at asking her out. And to make things easier for the both of us, I suggested something so meaningless and short that she couldn't possibly refuse. She originally had asked me out for a night before she forgot I even existed, so I kept things simple and easy by asking her out to a mere coffee Tuesday afternoon. I called her twice at work before we met up to confirm, and in all honesty, I was a nervous fucking wreck inside with butterflies gnawing at my goddam gut at the time. Sad to think that even though I was only going to be able to talk with her for half an hour, I felt like I was about to stage a play in front of a live studio audience or some shit like that...

Well, we didn't just meet for half an hour. Short story short, time flew by and I didn't even know what hit me. She was really hesitant to see me at first, I can't forget the look in her eyes of near disgust when she saw me waiting for her on that street corner. But like I knew I had to do, I simply sucked up all my negativity and insecurities and spread my arms wide open for a hug. She was reluctant at first to return my embrace, she even raised a single eyebrow probably because I had rarely ever offered a hug before. But as soon as we wrapped our arms around each other? That's when things took on a life of their own all over again, that's when time flew by like it wasn't even there. We were only supposed to meet for thirty minutes, but there was not a second of silence really between us for the next forty-five...

I didn't talk much, to be honest, which was ironic considering she once joked that I was "terribly verbose". Instead, she had everything to talk about that afternoon, whether it was about her trip to Hong Kong or her friend returning from Vietnam or any sort of stuff like that. To be honest, she kept talking and smiling and glowing at me in the kind of way that made me completely forget about all the troubles I've had with her in the past. I don't know if I felt that spark or connection with her all over again, but I've got to admit, the hug she gave me when I gave her the present I intended for her birthday long ago? It didn't feel like much during the very moment it happened, but after I returned home and after I closed my eyes to go to sleep? For months, I hadn't dreamed of her, but then there she was again. I was reliving that hug all over again in my mind, and it felt so fucking real. Her smell, her scent, her smile, her eyes, her touch, it all felt more real than any dream has for months. All from a single hug when she seemed so happy with me. That's all I sadly want to be honest, for her to be happy and to need me some day...

But that just can't be the case, now can it be? I thought things were going well, I thought she was being warm and even a bit flirty with me. I thought she was really cute and beautiful in that same sort of way that attracted me before. And I thought we were great together to be honest, even if it was only for forty-five minutes as one. Because when it finally came time for her to return to her office, that's when I struggled and nervously forged forward to ask her the big question: 'when can we meet up again?' And the thing is, I thought everything was going great between us, I thought there was potential to have something with her once more. But her answer simply broke my heart all over again, and it's still something I can't help but relive over and over and over again: 'hmm, not this year, maybe next year?' Really, that's the thanks I get? She forgets all about me during the worst week possible, and then instead of spending an entire night together as planned, I try to ease her back into the situation by only asking for a half an hour of her time, and then she rewards me by saying she's too busy to even see me one more night before Christmas? I mean, seriously? After all we've been through? Wow, I guess some things just never change...

I was hoping that maybe it was just a mistake, that perhaps she wasn't thinking clearly and that over time, she'd want to meet up with me again, if only to exchange presents at least. But I've sent her two follow-up e-mails to our meeting from last week, and still I haven't received any sort of response. I was naive again, thinking that maybe I could make such a lasting impression on her after just one little meet and greet, that she would start thinking about me all over again, the same way she felt about me the very first time we met...

That's what always kills me inside, the fact that if I didn't screw up two years ago, I could very well have the girl of my dreams in my arms instead of writing this noname crap tonight. There was a time she would look at me with the corner of her eye whenever I was in her field of vision. There was a time when she'd gently tap me on the shoulder, just to surprise me as I turned around to see her smile. There was a time I could hear that same sort of nervousness in her voice that I have whenever she mustered up the courage to ask me out, and yet I was too damn dumb and scared back then to simply have nodded my head and return the favour. I keep trying to fix my mistakes because I truly believe she is worth it, I truly believe that she and I could have something special together, much more so than any other woman I've met before. But if she doesn't want to see me, if she continues to tell me how busy she is while still going out to comedy clubs and movies with all her other friends and peers, then what can I really do? All I can do is follow my heart, once more with feeling. Really, what else can I do?...

Because just like last week, it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

Sometimes, I'm so afraid she'll find this website of mine. Then again, at least she'd truly know how I felt...

... maybe one day, I'll tell her again... if I ever get to see her once more...

Y2kk Update: 2008... this year has simply not been a good year for me...

About a month ago, it was my grandfather's baptism. A couple months before that, we had the same ritual for my late grandfather, anointed just days before he passed away. I only have one grandpa left, and you'd think I would've been happier after he found some faith in his life. I've never been the type to believe in only one religion or abide by a strict set of rules, but I do find value in faith, I do view it with a sense of hope. And you'd think I'd be happier when my last remaining grandfather was being baptized, except that the only vision I could see before my eyes was that of the final moments of the grandpa who passed away. It's been a hard and difficult year for me, to say the least, but I thought one month ago that things would improve from that point on. I guess, I thought wrong. The year wasn't over yet, though I certainly wish it was...

Last Friday was my coworker's wedding. I've been heading out with him to lunch every single day for more than a year now, and in all honesty, I was afraid for a long while that I wouldn't get an invite. He did hand me the invitation a couple months back and I was very grateful, but it kind of soured and tempered the mood a bit when I realized he was giving the same offer to so many others in the company, regardless of how close they were or not. In the end, the night didn't go by so badly I suppose, I had a decent time except for dealing with drunks all along the way. One coworker got so wasted that he actually threw a napkin at our manager's wife. Another one looked absolutely high when full of vodka, with giant black eyes as if he were a demon staring into your soul. And for some odd reason, one of the most annoying coworkers I've ever had to put up with suddenly became completely silent and polite when shit-faced drunk. To that I have to say, WTF?...

One of my other coworkers though, he's always been the condescending type, he's always looked down at me with a brown nose. He definitely gave me the whole spiel about it's so anti-social how I don't drink, how I'm missing out on so much of the world in the process. Considering I've heard that whole song and dance before so many times, of course I rolled my eyes, but that's not what disturbed me most that day...

This colleague of mine, he simply shook his head in disbelief when he muttered, "I don't know why the (groom) spends his time with you. You don't drink". And yes, while I understand the respectful part of that statement, that it's difficult for a non-drinker and a drinker to get along in social situations, I couldn't help but get a little upset deep down inside. As far as this coworker of mine was concerned, I was a boring person and he couldn't comprehend why someone "cool" like the groom would hang out with me. I know work and the office space has always been high school redefined with its chic kliq sense of fraternity, but it still angered me that what this colleague of mine was saying could very well be true. The groom is pretty much my closest friend at my company, but so many times I feel like he was simply sticking by my side out of a misguided sense of loyalty. I keep feeling like he'd have more fun and enjoy himself more if I simply was not there at the office any longer. Quite frankly, at the wedding with all my other coworkers that night, I simply did not feel like I belonged...

Wednesday was the tipping point for me. I've known for a long time that my company was in financial trouble, and I've been wanting to leave the office for a very long time now, but I didn't expect the end of days to happen so soon. The CEO of the company gathered everyone together that Wednesday afternoon, and flat out told the entire company that we were laid off. I mean seriously, THAT's how they chose to tell us all, as one big happy groupie turned into a fucking riot? The sad thing though was that I had this sick smile on my face the whole time through. I was happy that I was proven right about the company, that it had been so horribly mismanaged that it was finally going bankrupt. I was also shaking my head in disbelief at the callousness of the executives, laying everyone off with absolutely no prior notice but an e-mail telling us all to meet. And in all honesty, I couldn't believe the bad timing of it all, considering my closest friend at the company just gotten fucking married and was getting ready for his honeymoon. What were the odds of being laid off just days after your ceremony? WTF?...

I was the one who phoned him up to deliver the bad news, and I'm the one who had to hear his heart break at the bad timing of it all. He didn't have a single care or concern in the world before I called, but as soon as I did? He had just moved out of his parents' house into an apartment, he still had debt from school and loans and the wedding to pay off, he just bought all new furniture for his new home, and his wife will be unemployed while finishing school for the next year at least. Hearing that he lost his job just days before he set off for his honeymoon was not what he had in mind for a good evening alone with his wife to relax after the wedding. But what else could I say except that I was sorry? I always wanted to leave the company myself, but I never wanted it to affect him like so. He needed some time for himself, so he hung up and I let him go. I can only imagine how he and his wife felt after that goddam phone call of mine...

It turns out though, that it was all a ruse, Wednesday was all a fucking ruse. Now, I don't know why this close colleague of mine didn't just phone me back to tell me the "good" news. Perhaps if he did and if I didn't spend an entire evening worrying about his situation, then maybe the rest of my story would have taken a different turn, because in all honesty I kind of felt betrayed. Because apparently, just ten minutes after I called him to tell him the news that we were laid off, the owner of the company phoned him and revealed to him that he was safe, that he was being retained on his full time status. I mean seriously, that's great news for him, right? But why didn't he give me the courtesy to tell me all that, instead of letting me fester and pull my hair out over his situation that entire fucking night? I was worried about him, I was concerned for his future, even though apparently there was nothing to give a damn about. I'm happy that he was able to retain his job at a time like this, but why not tell me until the fucking next day after? WTF?...

Wednesday, like I said, was all a ruse. Why the hell did the company tell everyone that they were laid off, only to retain a few employees the next day during their "termination" meetings? If it was only a few people staying at the company, I might understand, but the vast majority of those who met with HR and the owner on Thursday had their full time contracts retained. I'm not talking about a couple of people here or there, but maybe twenty fucking employees out of a company of fifty or sixty. Yes, I understand that maybe the owners were hoping that the people with meetings on Friday would never find out the truth, but how the fuck could they realistically expect that when everyone at this small company talks? By the end of Thursday, everyone in the office knew the truth, so why fucking bother with the fake out bullshit? Why not just tell us with an honest and straight face that the company is in financial trouble, may not last more than a few more months, and that lay-offs will have to occur for some sooner than later as a result? Why scare literally everyone, why force my hand to tell my colleague that he was fired just days after his wedding, when that clearly was not the case? What the fuck were the executives thinking when they concocted this fucking plan? WTF?...

And when I saw almost the entire development team retained on Thursday, smiling and laughing it up with each other as if they had all won the lottery, I couldn't take it anymore, I just couldn't fucking take it. Why the fuck were they happy to be staying at a company that not only screwed itself over to the point of bankruptcy, but were also stupid and deceiving enough to lie to everyone in the office that they had just been laid off? Why feel a sense of relief and security to continue working at a company where more than half of the workers were getting the boot, and where the executives now will be looking over everyone's shoulders to make sure work would be done the way they want it to be? I learned from all the meetings that others had with the owner, that the CEO and the rest of the big wigs would be moving out of their private offices and sitting amongst the common folk remaining in the company, to directly work with them since all middle-management as a buffer had been removed. And I couldn't help but think to myself as I watched everyone clap their hands in joy, why the fuck would you ever be happy to work for men who just fucking lied that you were laid off, men who will now be ready to fire you at a moment's notice if you do anything wrong on their goddam watch? Why the fuck would you trust these people? WTF?...

I asked everyone who was retained that Thursday whether they were given an option to leave with a severance package (like everyone laid off), and they all claimed that they indeed were given the option to "stay or leave" at the start of every meeting. And it was on that final note that I truly did decide that this company, that this goddam office space, was simply not the right place for me any longer. If I had a chance to leave while taking what I've earned in due diligence, then it was fucking time to move on from that place and move on with my goddam life. I've been miserable at this company for over a year now, I've felt like my talents and skills and motivation have withered away in goddam atrophy. I was sick and tired of simply sticking around for a goddam paycheque, and everything that had happened at the company over the past fucking week simply sealed the deal. Why would I ever trust men such as this, who lie to their employees of being laid off before goddam fucking Christmas? Why would I ever want to hang around coworkers who cheer and revel at staying in a company where the executives treat them like total shit, meanwhile everyone else around them was being kicked to the curb before the goddam holiday season? Why the fuck would I want to stay here and collect a damn paycheque when it simply was not making me happy? I may be a hypocrite on a lot of things, but this was a matter of personal principle and pride that I simply could not ignore. I decided for myself that it was goddam time to leave...

On Friday afternoon, I stepped into the owner's office, and as expected, I was offered the choice to "stay at the company or leave". What I was most afraid of though, as he started his whole summary of a spiel of how many great prospects and possibilities the corporation could have down the road if I stay, what I most worried about was the fact that nobody else before me had chosen the option to leave the company. And why would they, right? The logical thing here to do would be to continue working at the place, siphon off as much money as they can, look for a new job on the side, and then get the fuck out when they're finally able to quit. But in truth and reality, I knew that if I stayed at the company, I'd never look harder for a new career than I already am now, which simply is not enough. And I knew that I would not be able to tolerate working at this office any longer, not with the executives literally sitting next to me and breathing down my neck, so much so that I probably would end up quitting with no hope of a severance package whatsoever. I knew fully going into this meeting that there was a chance that there actually was no severance being offered to me in my option to leave, as it was all merely heresy and nothing in writing. But I knew I could not stand being at this company any fucking longer, so I felt I had no choice but to make my stand and choose the option to leave...

And wow, my fucking God, the owner of the company just paused there in stunned silence at first, his jaw hanging down as if he had just been shot. But moments later when he finally regained his composure, that's when he turned cruel and vengeful with an anger in his voice and eyes that simply cannot be forgotten or denied. He was furious at me for turning down his offer, absolutely goddam fucking irate. He practically spat in my face as he insulted me thanks to my complete lack of logic, refusing to believe that I'd be stupid enough not to stay at this company and look for a new job in the meanwhile. And I mean, at least I'll give him credit where credit is due, he offered to give me time off to have interviews if need be if I did stay at the company. But I was adamant about leaving, and after seeing him react the way he did with nothing but contempt and spite for me, how the fuck could my conscience possibly let me stay? He was insulting my pride and completely disrespecting my decision. What else could I do, but continue to choose to leave the company? How could I possibly work under his watch again? He made my decision that much easier, that's for sure...

That's when things went bad, real bad. In his ruthless anger and frustration, he screamed at me that there was no option to leave. He said there was never an option on the table, that he was retaining me whether I wanted to stay or not. And he almost laughed about all this, as if he was getting his fucking revenge on me or some shit like that, as he swore straight to my face that there was no fucking way I'm leaving this company unless he fires me or I goddam quit. And really, seeing that smug and fucking bastardly look on his face as he reveled in his petty goddam vindictiveness? How could I ever work with him again after all he just said and did? Seriously, did I have a choice anymore? Did I ever really have any other fucking choice?...

What else could I do? What else could I say?...

"I quit."

... and that was that...

I left for my desk to type up the quickest letter of resignation ever fucking written, handed it to his stunned face in mutual disbelief, and then that was it, that was that. I had waited for a whole fucking year at my company to be laid off, not just so I could get a fucking severance package like I deserve, but also to be eligible for Employment Insurance in case of emergencies like the current financial crisis getting worse every fucking month. And in the craziest, most unpredictable ending that I ever could have imagined, when everyone else in the company was leaving against their will with every single dollar and paper that I wish I could have right now? I was forced to quit, to fucking goddam fucking quit and leave with absolutely nothing but my goddam dignity. Seriously, who would have ever predicted, who would have ever thought? I try to be a man of pride and principle first and foremost, and I would simply hate myself if I had chosen the option to stay. I'm confident I made the right choice for myself, I know that in the end that everything will be fine. But goddammit, was I ever screwed up the fucking asshole by my goddam fucking company. Sure, I did leave with a clear conscience, but absolutely nothing else...

Well, that's not completely true. I did get a standing ovation from pretty much everyone at the company who was laid off or even those who chose to stay. As far as I'm concerned, I did what none of them had the guts to do, and that was to stick it to the man even when a lot of money was on the line. Nobody likes the CEO and owner of this office, everyone talks behind his back about how petty and vindictive of a man he truly is, which I now know more than just firsthand. But nobody else was willing to turn down the paycheque, nobody else was willing to listen to their gut feelings rather than their bank account. I understand that many of them have families and mortgages to pay off, and I do realize the irrationality of my decision. But I'm confident it was the right decision for me, and at least I got a story out of it all. At least I know I did the right fucking thing...

The only one who did not applaud my decision was my close coworker, the one who just got married the other week. Now, I admit that partially my judgment was clouded, simply because I still felt betrayed that he did not tell me that he had been retained all the way back on Wednesday. I will miss going to lunch with him every day, and I will miss working with him closely on projects like we have for the past two years, but perhaps what my other coworker told me at the wedding ceremony simply rang too true in my mind that Friday meeting. My close colleague and I, we're good friends in the office but nothing more than that. He's not the type I can tell my problems to, and apparently I'm not the kind of man he's actually concerned enough with to phone up and tell the goddam truth. I want him to succeed at the company and in all facets of life, and the only thing I am sorry about here is the fact that life will be harder on him at the office now that I'm gone. He's angry at me because I won't be there to watch his back anymore, I won't be there to work out problems and listen to his own when push comes to shove. But this was a decision I had to make, and I suppose his dishonesty about the whole fucking bullshit situation actually helped me lean my decision in the right fucking direction. I respect my colleague, I really do, but I'm sorry, it's just not enough to stay at this company...

My only regret is leaving him behind, although I know he's far more of a capable worker than I will ever be. He tried to talk some sense into me the Thursday lunch before, that it's simply much smarter to stay at the company and search for a new job while there, and for all I know he even recommended to the owner that I should stay by his side. I do thank him for his concern, and I realize that I'm an overly emotional guy at times and that maybe one day, I will regret my decision. That day won't be today though, I know in my heart that I was not fucking happy where I was. I made my statement, I stood my ground, and I'm proud of myself for what I did. Sometimes I do wish I was more of a logical thinker, sometimes I wish I could keep my head screwed on straight. But I am a man of my word and a man of conscience. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I chose to stay, not after so many months of promising myself that I would leave. I owed it to myself, to finally have a story...

Of course, possibly the most embarrassing aspect of all this was the fact that there was another emotional response affecting my judgment. This office of mine, I've been there for two fucking bloody hell years. And in those years, not only did I suffer pathetic project after project, wasted opportunity after opportunity, but also heartache after heartache, heart-break after heart-break. Every time I step into that building, I think of her, I think of goddam her, the girl I fell in love with there at work. She's been gone for an entire year now, yet still she haunts the hallways like the embodiment of a goddam ghost. I can't forget her, I just can't seem to move on while I stay in that goddam fucking office. I've been so unhappy there, as everything I touch and see reminds me of her. I've tried to remain objective, but that's just not who I am. I can't ignore how I feel, no matter how hard I try. What can I say? I don't even know her, but it feels like I love her. I can't stop feeling this way...

A week ago, she actually e-mailed me up, almost out of the blue after so many weeks of ignoring my attempts to contact her. She had just returned from vacation, and who knows, maybe she thought of me while she was gone? Maybe she realized new priorities in her life, maybe she doesn't forget about me as much as I fear she does? And even though I was still angry at her, even though I still did not trust her after so many weeks of never hearing from her back, I still jumped at the opportunity to meet up with her at least one last time. I figured to myself, even if sparks did not fly again, maybe seeing her again could finally give me closure? Maybe meeting with her again could finally open my eyes, make me realize that she simply is not the one, and then I can finally move on with the rest of my life?...

I sent her three reminder e-mails last week, I sent her three fucking goddam e-mails. I didn't have her phone number, so I couldn't actually call. All I could do was try to message her and ask when she was available, about what day we could finally meet. But she never wrote me back. She simply remained silent wherever she was, I never got a fucking message in return all week long. I even told her about what was happening at my company, at her goddam old company. I told her what was happening with me, how everyone was laid off on Wednesday in one big fucked up meeting, and yet still I didn't hear a single word from her back...

Friday morning, I was so depressed, I was so fucking distraught. And really, how the fuck can I explain how I felt? It was one of the worst fucking feelings in the pit of my gut that I have ever experienced in my life. I felt like I couldn't go on. It was even worse than when my grandfather died, I don't know why. How could I possibly explain how I felt? I felt worse than when I'm shackled to bed with sickness, worse than if I was knifed in the gut. My heart was breaking, and it simply hurt so bad that words cannot describe. I felt so stupid, so fucking embarrassed that I was actually naive enough to expect her to finally meet up...

The night after my coworker's wedding, I could barely sleep but not because of all the dance music, not because of all the ceremony memories, but because I was simply so nervous and excited for meeting this girl of my dreams at least one more time. I was a wreck that night, simply because she had offered to meet me at goddam dinner to catch up on things? How pathetic can I be? And how fucking pathetic do you think I felt Friday morning, when the only fucking e-mail that I got back from her consisted of these three words?...

"Sorry. I forgot."

I can't even begin to put into writing just how terrible I felt when I read those words. It's like your entire body becomes filled with the pain and anguish from a million bad memories rushing to the surface all at once, but it all gets mangled and bottled up where it hurts fucking most, where your heart most desperately wants you to feel goddam fucking happy. Out of all fucking weeks to be forgotten, this was the week she chose? The week that I get laid off, the week that my company lies to my face, the week that my close colleague betrays me by not telling me the truth? This is the week she chooses to forget about me as if I wasn't even there? Seriously, nice timing. WTF?...

And yes, I admit it, the sorrow I felt that morning definitely factored into my decision. I couldn't stand being at my company any longer, I couldn't stand my coworkers clapping in unison at their jobs being saved while everyone else was left to rot and die. I couldn't stand working for the owner of the office any fucking longer, and I couldn't stand remembering every single fucking memory I ever shared with the girl at work. In an interesting twist of fate, it all came to an end that day, it all came full fucking circle. How fucking ironic could that be? The day that I chose to leave the company, the day that my hand is forced to goddam quit, is the very day that the girl I fell in love with at work hurt me more than possibly any other time I've ever known her before. What are the fucking odds of that? Seriously, what are the fucking odds that she chose to do this to me the very day I leave in shame? Seriously, WTF?...

If there is any silver lining to this whole fiasco, it's that I know things will only improve from here on out. The girl at work, she's already apologized to me for forgetting about our rendezvous. I can't help but forgive her too, she just has that effect on me. Am I still angry? Hell fucking yes, but I also can't deny that I seem to always give her one last fighting chance. She doesn't feel about me the same way I feel about her, and I simply cannot blame her for that. And it's just not fair to blame her for everything that has happened to me in the past week either. I made my own choice, emotional or not, and I stand by my decision. I'm proud of what I did, I'm proud of making my stand at the company, but I just can't feel pride in leaving her like I fear she will simply forget about me...

If she apologizes, if she's honest, I will always give her another chance. I don't know why I do, I don't know why I let myself feel the pain and torment she made me experience so goddam deeply on Friday, but I guess that's just who I am. I don't know why or how, I don't even know who she really is, but I do know that for some goddam reason, I love her. And I know deep down inside my gut, from the same feelings that made me leave my company against all sense of logic, I know that I can't leave this woman. I know that I need her, and I know that I need to keep reaching out to her, until there simply is no hope or faith...

And yeah, pretty much, that was my week. It was a pretty fucking bad week, if I do say so myself. I got laid off, then retained, then forced to quit without any sense of severance whatsoever. I was embarrassed at the wedding, made to feel like a complete outsider, and then had my heart ripped and shattered in half all over again by the only woman I have ever truly cared about in this goddam world...

So yup, that about sums it up. That's been pretty much my week. How was yours?...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

2008... this year has simply not been a good year for me...