Since then, I’ve been getting my fair share of negotiations for decent deals, although I hesitate to talk about my complete and utter beat-downs from both Rogers and the Fido retention department. I don’t even want to mention the latter whatsoever, but Rogers at least pretended to humour me by constantly giving me slightly better deals over the phone but none were as good as the one I wanted to be offered. I was in a bind though, our new house was in an area where Rogers had a complete land-line monopoly over the phone and internet systems. In the end though, while I didn’t get to negotiate the price myself, I lucked out by finding a pretty decent deal from a Rogers Plus promotion (the store that Rogers owns to sell its movie rentals and stuff). As a new customer, I was offered a free cable modem (after my $100 CDN is credited back), free activation, three months free of internet (at $45 per month), $8 off per month afterwards for the following six months, a further $50 of credit on top of that, another 5% off per month for getting the bundle deal, and a $100 gift card to buy anything in the Rogers store for signing up to their phone deal as well (which we had to get anyways because of the monopoly in our area). All this on what supposedly was no contract, and I had the Rogers Plus representative sign the paper as well. I’m happy with the deal we got, except I’m already hearing from angry patrons over at RedFlagDeals that Rogers is not honouring the free modem and $50 credit back on their monthly bills. Also, I’m still fucking pissed off that I couldn’t get the same goddam deal from the Rogers representatives over the phone, no matter how many times I tried. Goddammit, so many hours wasted...

Either way, all my experiences with getting beat-down and thoroughly humiliated by Rogers reps over the phone gave me the drive and the experience necessary to call the Bell Retention Department when it came to the Bell ExpressVu Satellite TV service that we wanted to maintain. While Rogers was fucking us over in terms of their monopoly on the land-lines, we still had an option when it came to television in our area, and I wasn’t happy with how negotiations were going with the goddam Rogers reps who would charge us $7 a month extra for every receiver we have in the house beyond the second. The Rogers Plus deal was for internet only and one other service (in our case, we needed the phone so we got that bundled too), and it’s not like Rogers was giving us a great additional bundle deal if we signed up for television or renewed the contract on my Fido cell service. After calling up their sales department so many times without any sort of success beyond sheer goddam frustration, enough was enough. I knew from RedFlagDeals the kinds of deals that long-term Bell customers were getting from the retention departments, and considering my family has been using ExpressVu satellite for six years, what did I have to lose?...

I know I sort of cheated when it came to this "deal", considering I already knew from the internet what the Bell retention representatives were allowed to offer an existing customer such as myself, but I can’t help but feel a little bit proud of what I accomplished. Yes, I’m still a bit bitter that I wasn’t able to get every single perk that some other deal-hounds on the net were able to get (such as free HD programming for a year worth $15 a month, or an extra $20 credit back for "technical difficulties"), but I do believe the deal we got from Bell ExpressVu was pretty damn decent, especially considering we still have no contract and can pretty much leave at any time. The deal we were offered after three total phone calls was 40% off all our television programming for 12 months, free installation of a Bell ExpressVu satellite at our new house along with one existing HD receiver, free rental of a new HD Receiver for 24 months along with free installation and activation, a reduction of our international television channel rate from $15 to $9 per month for the next 24 months, and a further credit back of $10 for "technical difficulties". Do I still wish I had gotten the complete maxed out package of 50% off TV programming like some people on RedFlagDeals were able to get? Absolutely, sure. But considering most of the people who succeeded in getting that deal have monthly television bills over $100, while my family is now paying only $70 before the 40% discount and taxes? I know pride is a sin, but I think I’ve got to pat myself on the back at least once. Sure, I cheated, but who cares?...

...

So after getting phone, internet and television all set up at the new house, it was finally time to move onto bigger and better negotiations, the type of which that I couldn’t really cheat on since I didn’t have any of my own inside sources or friends to rely on. After buying the new house and after selecting a whole host of new furniture, my father still wasn’t satisfied enough with all the money he had spent. We have been driving the same damn Ford Freestar for five or so years now, and it’s not like we had a second car to rely on now that the van was starting to fall apart. My dad was sick and tired of driving value-based vehicles for the whole of his life, and he was determined to purchase a luxury car (though I hardly count entry-level luxury to be "luxury" as he does) to try to match the neighbourhood of our new house. I would gladly just drive a Ford Fusion hybrid if I had the choice myself, but to each their own...

We first tried Lexus, since that seems to be the defacto standard luxury car for all Asians such as ourselves. The thing is though, what the fuck was wrong with the acceleration? The ES350 and the RX350 that we tried were both CVT engines and not the standard six-speed automatics that we were accustomed to. I know that CVTs are the wave of the future thanks to their lack of gear shifts and their improved gasoline efficiency, but where the hell was the power and the smoothness I expected from the ride? Isn’t the ES350 supposed to go from 0 to 60 mph in just seven seconds, but I swear both cars I tried felt like they were stuck in the mud the whole drive through. Was I doing something wrong then? Not only that, but the RX350 especially was an incredibly uncomfortable and bumpy ride. Maybe I was doing something wrong while driving the CVTs, but how the fuck could I have been that bad of a driver to make the entire ride so uncomfortable? Aren’t Lexuses supposed to be the frickin’ yachts of luxury cars, comfortable and as smooth of a ride as you can get? And yet I felt like I was driving a goddam Corolla. WTF?...

There was no way we would even remotely entertain the notion of paying close to the $40,000 CDN MSRP for the Lexus ES350 or the $45,000 MSRP for the RX350, so we moved onto the BMW dealership where we tried the X3. Yeah, I know, it’s embarrassing to be driving around in just an X3, which like the 3-series is what people who can’t afford BMW choose to buy from BMW. I admit though, the BMW X3 was a pretty good drive for an SUV, probably the best overall performance from any car that we tested this year. It had amazing acceleration, decent cornering for an utility vehicle, and it wasn’t really a bumpy ride either. But the retail price for it was certainly not worth the price of admission. Sure, we could try to bargain downwards, but it’s not like the car really wowed us either. It was great for the person in the driver’s seat, but it was no more comfortable than our fucking Ford minivan when it came to the passenger seats or when it came to overall vehicle stability. That’s my honest take, at least...

We went to the Acura dealership as well, and the first car I tested I believe was the Acura RDX (the crossover with only a l4 turbo engine). It’s not that it was a bad car, it performed decently well, but I have no clue why it costs so much ($42,000 CDN MSRP) or why it doesn’t have a V6 when the l4 turbo didn’t seem to be saving any goddam gasoline at all. Not only that, but while the performance was alright, the comfort and stability was awful for a car of that price, almost feeling like I was driving around in a goddam Honda Civic or some shit like that. I wasn’t impressed by that crossover vehicle at all and we were about to leave Acura, when the ugly as sin 2009 Acura TL caught my father’s eye and he couldn’t help but ask to test drive that sedan as well...

Okay, I admit it, while the latest TL literally burns holes in my eye sockets from how brutally ugly it looks on the outside, the AWD version we tested was a pretty damn nice drive and was infinitely more stable and comfortable than the Lexus ES350. My dad was such a fan of the car that we even sat down with the intention of seriously putting an offer on the car. The MSRP was ridiculous for what basically was a suped up Honda Accord though. It was $40,000 CDN for the base model, and since my dad was looking for the navigation package to be added on (which I never added to any of the prices for Lexus or BMW above, by the way), the car would come to about $50,000 CDN after the cash rebate and all fees and taxes were included. Seriously, that’s a ton of money for a car that basically performs the same as a V6 Accord, and I can’t even guarantee decent resell value for this Acura TL years down the road since the 2009 model has been universally panned as a goddam huge mistake aesthetic wise...

So we left Acura balking at the huge price, disappointed that our initial negotiations only managed to drop it down by two thousand. Afterwards, since I was interested in testing out the Ford Fusion Hybrid just for shits and giggles, my dad begrudgingly followed me to a Ford and Lincoln dealership right nearby our old house, and that’s when I remembered the luxury car that literally nobody wants. I knew that Ford was having its "Ford Employee Pricing" deal for the month of August (which I see has been continued into September so far), but I didn’t realize at first how much money they were discounting off the suggested retail price of the Lincoln MKZ. Now, if you’re like my sister or my cousin or about 99% of other car drivers around the world, you’re probably rolling your eyes at the idea that anyone would actually want a goddam Lincoln. But I’m telling you, while I know the MKZ is just a suped up Ford Fusion Sport at its core, I really fell in love with its grill and overall exterior design the moment I laid eyes on it. Sure, the interior was a bit cheap looking in part (although the night-time illumination is pretty damn nice), but what I care most about is comfort, stability, reliability and the overall drive. The MKZ may not be a Toyota or Lexus in terms of reliability, but all reviews of the 2010 model we were taking a look at were more than just positive...

I’d be lying if I said that the Lincoln MKZ 2010 drove as nicely as either the Acura TL or the BMW X3 we test drove. But what I can say is that it was pretty darn close to both of those cars in terms of acceleration, cornering and braking (especially the AWD version we tested, although I feel that FWD would be good enough for our family). And what I found more remarkable, especially at the Ford Employee Price, was that I really did feel that the Lincoln MKZ was the most comfortable and stable and quiet of all the cars we tested. Yes, even moreso than the Acura TL, BMW and the Lexus. Maybe it’s just me, but when I took sharp turns in the MKZ as fast as I could, neither I nor the passengers in the car could feel it as much as any other car. When it came to the roar of the engine, I personally prefer that it was so much quieter inside the MKZ than it was for the Acura or the BMW. When it came to going over train-tracks or bumpy hills, or even the few pot-holes we hit, I simply felt like the Lincoln MKZ handled the suspension and shock absorption side of things so much better than any other car we tried. Maybe it was just confirmation bias for me, considering I’ve wanted a Ford Fusion for a very long time, but I honestly felt the Lincoln MKZ was the best damn overall car we tested, and the given price was so much lower than the competition...

That day we did walk away from the Ford dealership, though we had every intention of returning. We went around to a couple of other Lincoln dealerships to talk prices but never could get the right deal we wanted. The difficulty was that for most cars, you take the US invoice price, convert it to Canadian (though I know that doesn’t cover all of the dealer’s alleged import fees), and then start negotiating up from there. The problem (or the benefit) was, the Ford Employee Price for the Lincoln MKZ 2010 was already lower than the converted invoice price, and the dealers (sensing our naivete) used that to their advantage to claim they were losing commission, even though I knew it was only Ford taking the actual profit hit there and not them. Not only that, but for the month of August at least, the $1500 CDN delivery fee here in Canada was also waived automatically, reducing the final price of the car even lower before negotiations. And yes, right away from the first dealerships we went to when talking about pricing, it was hard to get any further deal beyond a few hundred dollars off, since the US Invoice Price listed on the Consumer Auto Guide is $31,418 US, the CDN Invoice Price (at 91 cents conversion rate) is $34,525 CDN, and yet the listed sale price of the MKZ here in Canada starts at $32,947 CDN. That’s already $1578 CDN below the supposed, converted invoice price of the vehicle, and this was before any further negotiations whatsoever...

When we returned to the first dealership, the one where we had tested the Lincoln MKZ 2010 in the first place, I had no choice but to bluff. Sure, I could just be grateful that we would automatically get a great deal on the car we wanted thanks to the universal sale, but since I knew about the incentives and rebates that each Ford dealership would get for every MKZ sold, I wanted a goddam better deal. I was rather handicapped poker-face wise though when heading into that showdown in the showroom. My father was with me and he's one of those kinds of men who hates the notion of haggling. He enjoys paying full price for products, simply so that he can brag to others that he has the money to do so. He was also bloody impatient, and even though it wasn't the end of the month yet when dealers must make good on their sales quotas, my father explicitly told me (even inside the dealership) that he will not leave the place without a new car. Sigh, so what was I supposed to do then? Maybe I should have really demanded more of a bargain, at least $3000 in the end, but all I told them was that another dealership was offering us $1500 off for the MKZ, and I wanted them to beat it or else we walk (since the other dealerships are closer to our new house for the pick-up of the car). Now, I don’t know if we could’ve gotten a better deal anywhere else, but considering the other dealerships we went to had offered us nothing more than $1000 off no matter how hard we tried? Unfortunately, I was probably too visibly happy when the salesman came back and said yes, they would match the $1500 discount price and offer to waive a few minor fees as well. Like I said, I don’t know if this was absolutely the best deal we could have gotten, but I felt somewhat vindicated at the time nonetheless...

This was the first time ever that I actually was negotiating for something worth more than a few hundred dollars myself. After dealing with the negotiations for the house (somewhat), then for Rogers and Bell and with furniture at The Brick to some extent, my parents were willing to give me the freedom to call the shots and negotiate the price of the car myself. Like I said, unfortunately I was handicapped going into the dealership considering it wasn't the end of the month yet and my father was absolutely refusing to walk away. I was sadly and embarrassingly nervous going into negotiations, and I let down my poker face perhaps a bit too much when my bluff went through and we were offered about a total of $1600 off the already discounted price of the car. All things considered, since the sales price of the Lincoln MKZ was already below the invoice price, I still believe the deal we got wasn't bad at all...

To break it down in sheer numbers, this would have been the absolute best deal we could have gotten on our brand new Lincoln MKZ 2010 FWD...

The Retail Price in America is $34,155 US (or $37,489 CDN @ 91 cents exchange rate).
The Retail Price in Canada is $38,399 CDN before fees and taxes ($910 CDN more than the converted US Price).

The Invoice Price is $31,418 US (or $34,525 CDN @ 91 cents exchange rate) according to Consumer Auto Guide.
The Invoice Price is $39,578 CDN in Ontario after about $500 of fees (including gas tax) and 13% sales tax.

The Ford Employee Sales Price is $32,947 CDN here in Ontario (not including the waived $1500 CDN delivery fee).
That's a rebate of $5452 CDN from the retail price and $1578 CDN less than the converted invoice price.

Ideally then, the best possible deal is Sale Price minus MSRP Mark-Up Price (or $32,947 CDN - $3874 CDN).
The best possible price then becomes $29,073 CDN in Ontario (or $33,417 CDN after fees and taxes).

As previous owners of four Ford vehicles, we also should have been entitled to a $1500 loyalty rebate but weren't.
If we had, that brings the best possible price down to $27,573 CDN in Ontario (or $31,722 CDN on the road).

Damn, that would’ve be nice to have. A brand new Lincoln MKZ 2010 for $32K on the road? And I guess it’s even conceivable that such a deal could happen, considering Ford has been desperate to push out their MKZ line to try to compete in brand recognition with Lexus. But unfortunately, there are various reasons why we couldn't get that good of a price. First of all, it wasn't the end of the month yet for the dealer when the best deals are normally made. It certainly didn’t help either that I was also new at negotiating prices and that the dealers could read my father’s "buy now" face like a goddam book. Not only that, but we were ordering a brand-new Lincoln MKZ 2010 off the factory line, which takes 6-8 weeks to build and deliver apparently. Some say it’s foolish to ever buy a new car since it loses 30% of its value the moment you drive it home, but my dad was adamant about having almost zero mileage. I'm sure that if we had gotten a demo unit off the lot or if fought to get a 2009 model, we would've been offered a much better deal. But as it stands now, I'm still somewhat happy with the following deal that we did manage to negotiate...

We negotiated $1500 CDN further off the price at the dealership, reducing the sales price to $31,447 CDN.
After all fees (about $500) and Canadian taxes (13%) included, that brings us to $36,100 CDN on the road.

The final price we would then pay on a brand-new Lincoln MKZ 2010 is $6952 CDN less than the MSRP.
That's $3078 CDN less than the converted invoice price before fees and taxes, and $3478 CDN less on the road.

Like I said, I don’t know if we got a good deal on this car or not. Maybe some guy on RedFlagDeals managed to snag it for $8000 less than the reported invoice price or something like that, I don’t know. I can crunch the numbers all day long and I can drive myself insane second-guessing what we brokered, but I also have to remember that we tried getting $2000-$3000 off from two other dealerships and neither of them budged more than a grand. Maybe they just read my parents and I too well, maybe I was too nervous and made the mistake of not being bold enough even though I knew the dealers would get $7000+ worth of rebates back from Ford. But since I didn’t have a true basis of comparison to go by since everyone on RedFlagDeals seems to go for Toyota or Honda instead, I did the best I could in negotiations and I am still alright with the offer we were given. Out of all cars we tried, the Lincoln MKZ 2010 was the best overall ride that we tested, and I’m pretty sure we got one of the best prices we could have had out of all the entry-level luxury sedans we were looking at. Or at least, we did until my dad ruined the deal...

Like I mentioned before, my father wanted the navigation screen in any car we would buy. We fell into a mistake (or trap) on the Lincoln website, which made us believe that you could add navigation alone for $1200 CDN when in reality it has to come in a package along with a THX Surround System (for a total of $2300 CDN during this sale). I estimate that accessory packages are normally 50% marked-up when it comes to vehicle sales, and it pissed me off near the end of negotiations that the dealer told us we couldn’t get only the navigation system like we wanted. They still offered us the base model of the MKZ with the negotiated $1500 off, which I would have gladly taken. But unfortunately, my dad couldn’t live without his new toy and somewhat soiled the deal by blurting out we’d pay full price for the entire navigation and sound package. Uggh, obviously after that, while I did try to negotiate some sort of discount on the accessory (I asked for it at $1600, then $1800), of course after my father’s outburst the dealers would not budge, insisting and lying that the package itself was actually being sold "at cost". Yeah, fucking right...

So thanks to my father, I had no choice but to swallow my pride and simply take the deal at hand. It was still better than any other deal we were offered at any other Lincoln dealership, but it just sucks knowing that I did earn a better price but it was ruined on paper with my father’s signature. We had to add on $2300 CDN for the navigation and THX package, bringing the price before fees and Canadian taxes to $33,747 CDN. After fees and taxes, the final price on the road that we signed for was $38,699 CDN. If you assume that the actual cost to the dealership of the feature package is $1300 CDN (50% of the non-sale price of $2600 CDN), then our final price was still $2081 CDN below the reported invoice price before taxes, and $2348 CDN below the final invoice price on the road. That’s not a bad deal at all, it just sucks we had an even better deal beforehand, one that I would have gladly taken myself...

Yes, I admit, I am still second-guessing the deal we made. I guess I just feel like a bit of a fool right now, that’s all. I felt like I was getting a decent deal at the time, but after further reading and reflection, I now realize that may not have been the case. Obviously, I wish we had gotten the car for $32K on the road instead of $38K (including the added navigation and sound package). I wish I had the guts and freedom without my father looking over my shoulder, to walk out on the deal if I thought I was being lied to. And I just wish I could have gotten more information about exactly what price I should have paid for the 2010 Lincoln MKZ. Maybe I should’ve ordered an invoice from CarCostCanada or something, I don’t know. All I do know is that while yes, I am still bitter that a better deal could have been made, and while yes, I’m still a bit upset that the dealers probably made $4000 or $5000 profit from us due to Ford Employee Pricing rebates, I guess at least I also know that we bought what we thought was the best car in the entry-level luxury sedan market and we got it all for $2000 less than the invoice price. Ha, and at least I can feel reassured that we didn’t buy any extended warranties or grossly overpriced rust protection packages or anything. Sure, the dealers got some profit from us, but we still did better than average, I imagine...

Since my father’s name is already signed on the document, there’s nothing else I can do now but wait for the car to be delivered in October and enjoy the ride while I can. And for the next few years, I’ll be waiting and planning for the big day when I’ll finally have my rematch. By 2012 (before the end of the world of course, since I want to go out with style), I intend to buy a Mondeo-based hybrid car from Ford (or a plug-in-plus-gas vehicle similar to the Chevy Volt if one is available at that time). I’ll make sure to wait for a month that has large manufacturer rebates such as Ford Employee Pricing to return, and then I’ll walk into the dealership fully armed and fully prepared to do battle once more. I intend to get the deal I want, the deal I wish I had gotten, the kind of deal I can finally be proud of...

I dream of a second chance. Because yes, I really am that damn cheap...

...

Update (2009-09-12): Alright, I couldn’t take it anymore. Yes, I really am that obsessive and I really do have that much buyer’s remorse. I know that my family got a good deal on the car as it’s below invoice price, but I hate the fact that the dealers got an even better deal thanks to all the manufacturer rebates they’re getting. Even at the risk of losing our deposit, if it was my car and only my own pride at stake, I’d really consider trying to back out of this deal. Then again, if I ever did that, what would that mean for my word and signature? Plus, I would be giving the dealership a free $1000 cheque, but at least I’d be leaving them with a brand new car that they can no longer sell...

Last night I checked the receipt for the Lincoln MKZ again, just for shits and giggles. And what I saw was that the $150 "FCPP Etching" fee that the goddam dealer claimed "nothing can be done for" (even though we directly asked if we could take that fee off) was renamed as "FCPP Platinum Insurance" on the final report. Mystified, I quickly looked up whatever the hell FCPP meant on the internet and it turns out that FCPP Etching is a type of extra insurance in case your vehicle ever gets stolen. It provides an extra $1000-$5000 on top of your insurance claims if somebody ever actually steals our car, but who in their right mind would want to boost a goddam Lincoln MKZ? Principle wise, even if it was only $150 CDN, I was pissed off as hell last night that the dealer lied straight to my face and I didn’t even know it. I could hardly sleep last night, that’s how fucking frustrated and furious I was at myself for being taken so naively as a purchaser. So I did the only thing I could do today, I called the dealer up...

I was straight-forward and honest with the guy. I told him that I know we gave him and his dealership somewhere between $3000 and $5000 worth of extra profit on the car thanks to Ford Employee Pricing Incentives. He tried to deny it at first but eventually admitted that I did my homework. I also claimed that I was okay with what happened because a deal is a deal, but I told him I was not happy that he lied to us about the FCPP Etching fee and that a simple falsification like that was enough to never make me want to shop at his dealership ever again. That’s when he somewhat admitted his fault and told me that he would gladly take the $150 off for the FCPP fee and another small amount off of the admin fee (yet another bullshit cost, but one that we did choose to pay). With the delivery and A/C fees already paid for us thanks to Ford Employee Pricing rebates, that leaves us now with the gas tax, license fee and the administration crap for about $300 worth of total fees. I’m still pissed off as hell that I was such a clueless buyer when purchasing a vehicle, as I didn’t even bother to pay $40 for a CarCostCanada invoice. But even though this was only a pittance of $200 back, at least I felt a bit reassured that I got something in return for all my frustrations...

So to break it down in final numbers, even though a difference of $200 CDN hardly changes anything at all...

The Retail Price in Canada is $38,399 CDN before fees and taxes, and $43,729 CDN on the road.
The Invoice Price in Canada is $34,525 CDN before fees and taxes, and $39,352 CDN on the road.

The best possible deal on a base MKZ is $27,573 CDN before fees and taxes, and $31,496 CDN on the road.
The deal we were offered on a base MKZ was $31,447 CDN before fees and taxes, and $35,874 CDN on the road.

The best possible deal on the upgraded MKZ is $28,873 CDN before fees and taxes, and $32,965 CDN on the road.
The deal we accepted on the upgraded MKZ was $33,747 CDN before fees and taxes, and $38,473 CDN on the road.

Why am I so obsessed and upset with myself? Because really, I still wish we could re-negotiate, I still wish I could set my starting price at the invoice price (which already includes dealer holdback profit from Ford) minus the Ford Employee Pricing Rebate, minus the Delivery Fee Rebate, minus the bullshit FCPP and Administration Fees, and minus the Ford Loyalty Rebate that Ford should be offering us in the bloody hell first place (but apparently isn’t, at least according to the goddam dealers). But goddammit, we already signed off on this deal and I was the one who gullibly believed we were getting a fair exchange at the time. Then again, I’m also the guy who actually looked up if "gullible" was really missing from the dictionary or not, but that’s an embarrassing story for another day...

Well, at least I got something back for all my anger, frustrations and meager work over the past damn month of studying this shit up. It was only $200 back, but at least it helps ease my mind that I got something in return. Because yes, like I said, I really am that damn cheap. And I really hope for a second chance at negotiations again...

Well, the Saturn / Opel Astra’s are now down to $9,995 CDN here in Ontario. Drop it even lower, and I’ll be very tempted to try to pry the last automatic one away in December from a GM dealership for $4000 CDN on the road...

Sure, it’s just a redemptive dream, perhaps. But I can dare to dream, now can’t I?...

...

With my lack of a career right now (unemployment is such a bitch... except for sleeping in every morning, of course), I really shouldn’t be spending much money on luxuries and entertainment. I’ve scaled back most of my video gaming and DVD purchases this year, but that’s more from a lack of general interest than anything else. But with October 4^th coming soon, the day that single-seat Toronto Raptors tickets become available to the public, I’ll be in quite a bind as to what exactly to do. I know I want opening night, I know I want both games against the Orlando Magic, and I know I wouldn’t mind seeing Kobe Bryant score 81 points on my beloved Raptors all over again either. What about other games though, considering I live for the atmosphere of an amazing basketball experience? I got badly burned last year thanks to the Raptors sucking goddam ass, but what about this year now there is hope?...

Bryan Colangelo worked the phones and worked his magic in an off-season already worthy of executive of the year, even if the Raptors fail to meet expectations. BC did everything I thought he could possibly achieve aside from ripping off a financially-bankrupt team like the Pau Gasol trade, but it seems that Colangelo has too much integrity and honesty to do such a thing. Instead, he made small and moderate moves that has led to the best team balance and overall chemistry we’ve had since the 06/07 season, if not before that. I for one can’t wait for the season to start...

Signing Hedo Turkoglu was a no brainer, though to be honest, I was a bit concerned at first since the new contract length was so long, not to mention the fact that Hedo would eat up all of our remaining cap room for the year (preventing us from signing anyone else but minimum wage players). But thanks to Steve Fruitman (whom Bryan Colangelo gave full credit to, as any great executive should do for his employees), the Raptors managed a three-way trade with the Mavericks and the Magic to give us back the full MLE, LLE and the bird rights to our free agent players of Anthony Parker, Carlos Delfino, Pops Mensa-Bonsu and Joey Graham. It’s a shame that Anthony Parker signed with Cleveland before this deal got done, or that Carlos Delfino held out for more money and a longer contract from Milwaukee. But even still, Bryan Colangelo worked some amazing deals with what he had left, getting Amir Johnson as an energy big off the bench, Antoine Wright as our defensive stopper on the wings, Reggie Evans to toughen everyone up in goddam practice, Jarrett Jack as a great combo guard and insurance factor if and when Jose Calderon ever gets hurt again, and Marco Belinelli as our sixth man gunner off of the bench. I for one was so damn impressed with every move that Bryan Colangelo made, that I don’t think I could even ask for more...

Well, then again, I can always pray and demand that we somehow trade Marcus Banks for Brandon fucking Roy, and then what do we have? I give to you the newly reborn Toronto Raptors team of 2009-2010 that I personally believe can make it all the way to the conference finals with the right amount of luck and faith and fans...

... ahem...

C: Andrea Bargnani, Rasho Nesterovic, Reggie Evans
PF: Chris Bosh, Amir Johnson, Patrick O’Bryant
SF: Hedo Turkoglu, DeMar DeRozen, Antoine Wright
SG: Brandon Roy, Marco Belinelli, Sonny Weems
PG: Jose Calderon, Jarrett Jack, Quincy Douby

Bryan Colangelo, I never ever ask much of you, but please make this happen. Please make it fucking happen.

Oh wait, you did? Err, umm, wait, what? You actually did do it? Seriously? WTF?...

I, err... I honestly don’t know what to say...

I guess, in BC we trust? Bryan Colangelo made it happen...

And Rasho Nesterovic make championship happen?

Hell fucking yes. Time for Rasho to rain down treys!

I honestly can’t wait for the new season to start.

Let’s NBA!!!...

...

And that’s been my summer life in a nutshell. Besides going back to university where apparently I look younger than any of the first year students, besides spending time with my grandmother as she recovered from pneumonia in the hospital, besides being busy with helping my brother out as one of the best men for his wedding, and besides moving a shitload of stuff to the new house while repairing even more shit at the old location, I guess I’ve been busy making the phone calls and brokering deals. I guess you can say I’ve been a mini Bryan fucking Colangelo in my own right, except without the badass neck collars and the supreme Jedi success in stealing Marco Belinelli for just Devean fucking George. I mean seriously, how the hell did that trade happen? How the hell did Indiana not match the offer for Jarrett Jack? Why the hell would Milwaukee trade away Amir Johnson when they have a shortage of bigs? Why the hell would Orlando ever agree to the three-way trade to make Toronto their new unofficial rivals?...

Orlando Magic vs Hedo Turkoglu. Chris Bosh vs Dwight Howard. Toronto Raptors and all its fans vs Vince fucking Carter. Hell fucking yes, it’s Rasho Championship Time. I’m buying tickets to opening night and the two home games against Orlando. I expect great things from the Toronto Raptors this season. They better not disappoint...

I just wonder, what would happen if Bryan Colangelo ever had to negotiate for a car? The universe would probably implode, I imagine. But before that happens, I want my new fucking car. Mondeo hybrid in 2012, yes please. Bryan Colangelo and Ford Canada, make it happen. Make it fucking happen, for less than $20K on the road, that is...

Because it all sounds like so much fun, now doesn’t it? Well, when we get the new car, I certainly hope it will be...

But until then, I wish you all a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, a God Bless Us, Everyone...

When it comes to my Tweakui website, I know I’ve been a complete lazy ass in terms of updates for the past couple of years, this year especially. But whenever it comes to Christmas or whenever it comes to Canada Day, I always take the time to say hello to you two readers out there, and to genuinely reflect on where I am and who I’ve become in life. And the sad state of affairs is, I’ve gone absolutely nowhere and grown not a single bit since I last wrote on this webpage of mine. Last November, I lost my job and I’ve been looking for the right direction in life ever since. I’ve been to a lot of interviews over the past seven months, and four of them definitely spring first thing to mind...

Back in January, I interviewed for a small dotcom firm in downtown Toronto. I forget what they’re called and I forget what they even do in the industry. All I do remember was that the HR Manager there who brought me in for the interview was very friendly, even going so far as to help me with my wool jacket at the time. We talked about a bunch of meaningless crap like Mats Sundin leaving the Maple Leafs and the Toronto Raptors failing at existence yet again. I actually did well when it came to all the behavioural questions, and I always get the same comments as I always do from every HR manager I ever interview with at a computer corporation, that I seem like a "great fit" and that I’m the kind of guy who would work well with the team that they have assembled there. I always get those comments, I always hear those compliments, but it’s the second half of the interview that always goes wrong...

It wasn’t long until the HR Manager delivered me to the technical lead of the company, and goddammit, he certainly pulled no punches when all was said and done. Without barely an introduction and an exchange of pleasantries, he got down straight to business. The first order of the day was for me to take a marker and write on the board a sample of programming pseudocode. I forget what the question was exactly, but I remember it dealt with checking for the letter "e" in an array of strings or some crap like that, requiring a For Loop and String.Contains at bare minimum...

Because I’m actually not that embarrassingly bad at generic programming and pseudocode on paper, I actually finished the question rather quickly and felt kind of smug with myself soon after. Bad mistake though, as that’s when the real questions started flying. He started asking why I had programmed it the way I did, how I can improve it, how could I modularize it, and all that other software maintenance and documentation crap. I had to justify why I used a built-in Java library, I had to try to program it two other ways for increased efficiency, and I had to go into all the details of how I would design both unit and characterization tests to make sure my function keeps working if new parameters need to be added in the future. It was the toughest pseudocode question I’ve ever dealt with, and you know what made me proud in the end? I think I actually handled it well. Bad mistake again though, I’m afraid...

When the pseudocode was over, that’s when the real technical interview began. He immediately started asking me questions about Agile Software Development and how it helps Object Oriented Programming. I actually have a lot of experience with that, so I went through the usual talk of morning scrum meetings, short iteration cycles and the Spiral Model in terms of functional requirements gathering. That was good, that was all fine, until I made the mistake of first mentioning that I have both Java and .NET experience, and then also brought up the subject of goddam databases. Seeing how technical of a guy he was, I guess I really should’ve known better...

For Java, he started getting into more technical details, asking about a lot of libraries and a lot of the newer functionality in the language, such as Generics which were added just a few years ago. Already I was starting to get lost, and that’s when he started on the .NET side of things, talking about assemblies and asking about all the differences between Java and .NET, to the point where I barely even remembered where I was anymore. Then he decided to push me even further, demanding me to explain to him how synchronization in Java works and how to resolve issues with deadlock when they arise with SQL Server. It’s not like I haven’t learned or heard about all this stuff before, but to suddenly be asked about it all on the spot and to explain it all with words and then flow chart diagrams in an interview you never expected to be this damn hard and burning in the goddam spotlight? WTF?...

Suffice to say, I didn’t get the job. Things went from bad to worse when he started discussing programming books and blogs online that he and his colleagues frequent, and then basically made me out to look like the complete uniformed tool when I didn’t know about half of the authors he was talking about in the end. It was a clear and clinical beat-down of my skills and pride, and I understand why he did it, considering one can argue the lost art of the interview is to make a person cry and beg for mercy until you realize what they truly have deep down inside...

Unfortunately for me this time around, this wasn’t actually a personality test. It was simply his brutish style to be as blunt and critical and goddam bastard-like as possible. He flat out told me that I don’t have the skills required, that I need more Java knowledge and .NET experience before I can even begin to interview for this job again, and that I need to stay a lot more informed on the current state of the industry with books and blogs before I should even think about interviewing at any real company in this day and age. He did however give me one compliment, that I did alright with the pseudocode part. He said it showed that I do have some intellect to learn with, but I’ve wasted all my potential and not developed my skills one damn bit. And ouch, wow, certainly harsh criticisms that nagged at my gut for a very long time, but I simply just shrugged it off and took it on the chin while I was there. What else was I supposed to do, afterall? Argue for a job at a place that was already making me feel like goddam utter shit? WTF?...

That interview was perhaps the hardest actual interview I’ve ever had in my life. Obviously, I wish I had gone in there more prepared in terms of optimizing SQL queries and writing watchdog semaphore programs in goddam Java. But at the same time, while I abhor that man who interviewed me for basically making me out to be a goddam idiot, I still have to thank him and the company for at least opening my eyes. While back in the glory days of computing, one could basically get a development job by simply being a competent programmer with a decent degree of education, I guess that’s simply not the truth anymore. As the interviewer told me straight to my eyes, it’s a "buyer’s market out there" during this goddam recession, and that I need to rise to the top of the pack if I ever want a chance at a career in the industry again. He warned me that if I wait too long to hone my skills, the time gap on my resume will simply become too large for HR to ignore, and if I don’t actually read and learn everything I can about the new age of software development, no real company would accept me when so many better workers have been laid off from big time companies over the past few months. It was a wake-up call alright, with the hardest but most honest interview I’ve ever been to in my life. I swore to learn from that experience, and in many ways I did....

... just not enough ways, apparently, otherwise I still wouldn’t be goddam unemployed to this very day...

I’ve had plenty of interviews over the past six months. I’ve had one at a big bank, I had a couple with Yahoo Canada before they went down under, and I even got a job offer from a small firm in the city of Hamilton (a job offer I turned down thanks to pressure from that goddam big bank, which all lead to me earning absolutely nothing in the end). I’ve definitely had my fair share of experiences, both good and bad, most of which I’ve already written about on my download website. But the next actual memorable interview that comes straight to my mind, for better or for worse, was the one I had at a rather large hospital, also in the city of Hamilton. It was at some sort of research centre for dermatology I think, I already forget the details actually. I would’ve had to work directly with MD’s and PhD’s as my clients, and I was actually excited at the prospect of being at a place that could potentially help the world. While that first company back in January was simply yet another Web 2.0 dotcom firm, this Hamilton Hospital was actually trying to help the planet in a positive way and I honestly really wanted to be a part and contribute to that...

Ha, I guess I felt that way until I met the man in charge of the development team at least. Right from the start, I knew something was wrong with the way he just goddam stared in horror at me. I’m not going to flat out guess that he was a racist or anything (I am of Chinese heritage), but in all honesty he definitely did seem suspicious of me at first. I can’t say I have any evidence to back my feelings up on this matter either, though I was hard pressed to find any East Asians in his development team from what I saw. Either way, short story short, I just knew from that first hand shake that something wasn’t right, that he simply did not like me for whatever goddam reason he may have had. It may not have been about the colour of my skin, but that first impression I gave him never really seemed to leave the interview room. He just didn’t like me for whatever goddam reason, and he definitely proved it later on...

The interview itself though went great. Thanks to that tough as nails January interview I had to go through, I pretty much was able to answer any technical question that this hospital interviewer had in mind. Whether we were talking about Decorator design patterns or the unsafe keyword in C#, I actually thought I did exceptionally well when responding to all his programming questions. I did get stumped on one part, when he was specifically asking about Reflections in .NET coding, but it was just one single question in a half hour interview. I actually left that hospital feeling good and rather proud of myself. For the first interview in a long while, I actually felt like I knew my stuff...

It wasn’t just the technical stuff that I answered well at. It was also the behavioural questions that I really felt I excelled at, enough so that I felt this was personally the best interview I had ever participated in. Something just felt off though, the way he looked at me just didn’t feel right when I was giving my answers. I don’t know, maybe he thought I was being fake or phony something, but I believed I objectively and rather honestly answered all his queries well and I especially sounded very learned and experienced with the Agile Software Development practices that he wanted to start implementing with his team. To be honest, after the interview, I thought I was the perfect candidate for this job and I actually believed I was a real good fit with both the team and the work environment. Still, I left that hospital with a nagging feeling in my chest that something wasn’t right, that for some damn reason, the man interviewing me simply did not like me for whatever goddam excuse. I was hoping I was wrong, I was praying that I was just being paranoid, but my gut feeling always seems to find a way to turn out goddam right...

It wasn’t long until I got a message back from the recruiter who had recommended me to this hospital developer, and the news he gave was certainly not good. As the pits of my gut had goddam predicted, the interviewer had turned my application down, not even with the chance at a second interview in front of a panel of MD’s and PhD’s. I asked the recruiter what was the issue, I wanted to know why I wasn’t the ideal candidate for this job. And after a short blurb of pulling at his teeth, he simply shrugged his shoulders and revealed to me the reason why. He had asked the interviewer if I had failed at the technical side of things, only to be told that I had all the programming skills and knowledge necessary for this job. The recruiter then had asked him if it was my personality that he didn’t like, and the interviewer claimed that I had answered all the behavioural questions perfectly, or so he claimed...

Completely confused and bewildered, the recruiter then succinctly and blatantly asked the interviewer why he didn’t like me, and you know what the guy replied in return? He simply shrugged his own shoulders apparently, reported that I was "not the right fit" for the position, then hung up the phone. Heh, I know the recruiter could have just been making this shit up, but I believed him and his story simply because that’s the exact same impression I was left with the moment I shook the interviewer’s hand. He honestly seemed afraid that I was a great candidate, he honestly seemed terrified that if I was given a second interview in front of the panel of PhD’s that they would love me, and so he shot me down when he still had the chance before anyone else had a say, so that I would never have the real opportunity to join his team. Now, I don’t know what his reasoning was, whether he felt I was phony or maybe he was holding the job for a friend or something. All I do know is that from the very first second he saw me and shook my hand before the interview had even started, he had decided that I was not the guy for the job, and I couldn’t help but laugh how right my gut feelings were in the end. I was done a favour; why would I ever want to work for him?...

The next interview fresh in my mind was also conducted by a goddam asshole, although I guess he was one in a completely different way. I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped into a little townhouse for a job interview in Brampton, a city just north of where I live. The place was cozy and the people working there seemed friendly. Alas, the man interviewing me certainly was anything but. When I asked him about the job and what he was hiring for, you know what the reason he gave me was? Apparently, he had just been hired himself one or two months earlier, and already he felt that he had to clean house. I don’t know why he told me all this, but he suddenly went on a rant how he felt all the current workers there were lazy and useless and completely out of date on current programming knowledge. He admitted that they were all excellent with the software IDE they had designed, but they knew nothing about where XML and .NET had gone over the past couple of years. He told me flat out straight to my face that he was looking for "more technical employees" and that he wanted to replace everyone in the office? WTF?...

Umm, okay? I had no idea why he was being so honest with me, or why he would ever admit any of this to an interviewee, but it sounds like he was hired to clean house and move the company in a new direction and that was exactly what he wanted to achieve. He started off by asking me a bunch of behavioural questions, all of which I answered quite well as I normally do. That spawned yet another rant from him, how I sound like many of the old workers there, as in good with clients and teamwork but not actually at the hard technical stuff. Sure, I nodded my head at him in pseudo-agreement, but in the back of my mind I was thinking what the hell is this guy smoking? Isn’t having an office full of competent workers who all get along with one another, and all having the social skills and personalities to be successful with clients and consumers, the goddam Holy Grail for software development hiring? He admitted that they were all well versed and experienced with the technology they currently have at the company, and yet he wants to fire them all and replace them with a bunch of social bigots just like he is? Seriously, WTF?...

He seemed to like me though, if only because I was nodding my head as if I didn’t think he was going to take a sub-machine gun and rip apart his goddam office. That’s when he gave me his technical test though, the one he claimed over the phone was so "easy" that if I have to prepare for it, then I don’t deserve the job. Well, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t get the job then with this Office Nazi, because his test was much harder than I anticipated. It wasn’t just a bunch of generic pseudocode and SQL queries like he originally had claimed. It actually had a lot of questions on CSS syntax (without the help of an internet reference guide), XML schema formatting, and goddam SQL Server normalization bullshit. It wasn’t the most brutal test I had been through, considering I got through most of the questions just fine. But as soon as he took a look at my paper while "grading" it and saw that I had to leave a few questions blank? He literally both laughed and shook his head at me, then brazenly started walking me through what the answers should have been, humming and whistling during it all like he was some goddam serial killer. WTF?...

Suffice to say, I didn’t get the job at that Brampton townhouse location, and I certainly felt bad how everyone else in that office would soon be losing theirs. The Office Nazi that interviewed me was insane, absolutely crazy nuts in the fucking head, and I was almost tempted to actually tell his employees the truth of what was going on until I realized he would probably cannibalize my damn face if I did. In the end, he simply shook my hand and told me that I was not technical enough for the job. I was surprised he didn’t lecture me, how I was an idiot from the ghettos like the rest of his current team or something, but I assume he simply didn’t want to bother wasting precious time and effort in talking to a lower being than him on the programming food chain. I was one of them now in his eyes, afterall...

In the end, I really didn’t want this Brampton job. I would’ve never wanted to work for a manager as stuck up as he was throughout the whole damn interview, just like I didn’t care for that small downtown dotcom firm that fucked me up the ass with their interview questions. For all three of the interviews I’ve mentioned in this update so far, the managers in each of them have proven to me that they’re not worth my time or my soul in working for them for anything less than a million fucking dollars. If I take a job, I want a worthwhile place to exist for 8 hours of the day..

And when it comes to this fourth and final interview on my list, this one being in Toronto where I had my second interview just yesterday? At first, I felt the exact same caution and apprehension about it as I did all three of those wretched, prior interviews I’ve already mentioned up above. I was nervous, I was scared, and I was disgusted. This was an advertising firm, and at this fourth interview of a hipster and trendy place, I thought the work environment was completely wrong for me, considering all the managers I saw were hot MILF women who actually bring their dogs to work every single day and sip wine in the afternoon. I thought I would never fit in at a place like this, where "Sarah the Secretary" in her short-skirt mini-dress was perhaps the hottest receptionist I had ever witnessed in my life, and where the good-looking artists and front-end designers in the open concept cubicles all dressed like they were straight out of the goddam movies. I was also intimidated by this office because the technical manager who interviewed me here last Thursday admitted straight to my face that this was truly a high octane environment, where the advertising season in the holiday months becomes so hectic that I’ll be working overtime every single night...

I was worried about this place, I honestly was. When I left that first interview, the manager there had honestly told me that thanks to my relaxed personality and my Agile Software Development experience, that if I do well on the technical test I had yesterday, he would actually hand me a job offer right then and there on the spot. And because of that, because of my sheer laziness and the goddam drama of trauma from my last job, I became terrified of working again in a place where I would have to pretend to be someone I’m simply not every day of week, in order to fit in with all the highly social coworkers and managers and goddam clients. And I sadly admit, thoughts started to slip in and out and back into my head again, of what if I simply bombed this test on purpose? What if I don’t actually try my hardest, what if I simply fail without regard and return back to my life of searching for a job that fits me best?...

But over the course of the weekend, I realized I would never forgive myself if I did such a thing. I realized that it was time to stop hiding, and time to start growing up in my life for goddam once. I mean seriously, they were offering me a 60K salary, three weeks vacation, and an opportunity to pad my resume with technologies such as Java, .NET and PHP. The job description itself sounded fantastic, the location in downtown Toronto was absolutely perfect for the commute, the secretary was certainly easy on the eyes, and it’s not like I haven’t survived in a similar type of work environment before. Why should I let my fears of working in a busy and trendy office space dictate whether I throw in the goddam towel or not? It’s been seven months now since I lost my goddam job. It’s time I achieved something in my life again, and I knew I had to do my best to earn this or else I would never live it down...

I guess though, that was the problem. I did try my best, and I did actually think I did well, which is why my pride was so hurt and I felt so goddam disappointed in the end. The technical test itself consisted of an hour with Visual Studio .NET and SQL Server 2008, in which case I had to create a simple validation form and then connect it to a database to update a couple of joined tables of tweets, then refresh a .NET GridView with the DataSet. That was it really, it’s all stuff I’ve done before when I worked with C# and web services at the government, and I actually thought I did it well. Sure, I was out of practice since I haven’t used .NET in the workplace for two years now, but I completed the technical test and I thought I did it well, to the point where I was even panicking that I’d be offered a full time opportunity as soon as that manager walked through the door again. I was so confident and paranoid that I would get this job, that it never once fucking occurred to me that I couldn’t have been more fucking wrong...

Because wow, seriously, what followed was certainly an embarrassing and epic beat-down by that guy in charge, enough so that maybe yesterday turned out to be the most painful interview process I’ve ever been forced to endure. It was insulting enough that I had to do a hands-on test, but to literally be insulted after about all my work? WTF? As soon as he waltzed through that door and took a look at my code, I knew something was wrong, and the non-stop criticism for the next fucking half hour was certainly proof of that. Sure, I had completed the required tasks at hand, but apparently the point of this test was more about the "art" of programming than anything else. I had used my own simple validation on the forms rather than regular expression controls, I had connected straight to the database using ADO rather than creating the proper module object that he wanted, I didn’t have enough time to properly document all my functions, and he tore me apart for how inefficient and damn simplistic all my queries to the database were...

He pretty much ripped apart every single line of code I had written, straight to the face without pulling any goddam punches, and seriously, what was the point of that? I had saved everything I had typed onto the computer, so he simply could have let me leave in peace and called me the next day after reviewing the results. But no, instead he had to hold me up there just so that he could feed his ego and tell me for the next half hour straight that I was a horrible programmer with absolutely "none of the skills required for the job". I do admit though, he gave me one single compliment amongst the hailstorm torrent of insults to my intelligence, namely that at least I "got farther than most people did who claim to have 10 years of experience or more". Guess that means something, but beyond that though, he simply just criticized me more and more how primitive my programming was, before going on a rant how it’s a lost art how people don’t remember how to code efficiently or write proper SQL queries any longer...

Seriously, in all my months and months of job searching, I have never once been this fucking humiliated and this fucking goddam embarrassed ever before in my goddam life. For half an hour, this technical manager wouldn’t shut the fuck up and I had to take it all on the chin with a smile as he ripped my coding style more and more with every passing second of that wasted day. If only I hadn’t actually tried on the test, if only I hadn’t actually been naive and foolish enough to start believing that I had actually earned this job, maybe my pride and my ego wouldn’t have been so hurt as it was yesterday afternoon. But seriously though, what was the point of keeping me there for half a fucking hour of brutal, blunt criticism the afternoon before fucking Canada Day? What was the point of it all? So that I can learn my lesson after he literally laughed at the prospect that I would even ask for this job? WTF?...

The moment that I left that interview room, I realized and chuckled to myself that I felt the very same pathetic way as I did when I exited that other downtown office long ago, all the way back in January, as the dejected failure that I still fucking am. It was the exact same fucking shit, just a different fucking month, and I was just as naive now as I was all the way back then. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I walked into that interview room yesterday afternoon convinced that I would be leaving with a job offer in hand, to work in an environment that I simply did not want to be in. I do know I would’ve taken the job if they had given me a respectful offer, so I guess that manager did me a favour by making the goddam hard decision for me. If I had simply bombed the test on purpose, if I didn’t put my heart into and if I didn’t goddam try my best, I guess I wouldn’t feel the kind of shit that I honestly feel right now. But I did try my hardest, I did put my heart into it, and I even mistakenly thought I had done fucking well. I was as foolish yesterday afternoon as I was all those bloody months ago. Do I ever goddam learn?...

So what now for me? I lost the chance at Yahoo Canada, I lost the chance at working at a big bank, I’ve most recently lost the opportunity to work as a senior developer back at the government, and now I’ve failed yet again at earning the kind of job that I know I could’ve done well if given the opportunity to learn. The only remaining option on the table for me right now is to return to school, as I’ve been accepted to the Certified Management Accounting program at York University in Toronto. I guess I need to select my courses soon before second summer term classes start late next week. A few days ago, I was killing myself over the decision whether to return back to the workforce at that advertising firm or to try to change industries with more university education. I guess I should be happy then that the technical manager made the difficult decision for me. I certainly did learn my lesson this time around...

At least I never did throw in the towel. At least I know I tried my hardest. And at least I now know where I stand, even if it’s in the humiliating spotlight as the dumbass programmer who’s simply too incompetent to find a job...

So suffice it to say, it’s been quite the bitter and depressing and goddam embarrassing Canada Day for me. I just hope and pray though that by the Fourth of July, I remember just who I am again and where I want to be in life...

Happy Recession Day then, I guess.

...

You know what I could use right now to cheer me up? Some good ol’ Toronto Raptors news, that’s fucking what...

It’s been a long time since I wrote about my greatest passion in life, seeing the Toronto Raptors fail over and over again just like the rest of my fucked up life. This was perhaps one of the most embarrassing and forgettable years for the Raptors organization since the days of Vince fucking Carter, and the only thing I could look forward to was the NBA Draft just like I did all those lottery years ago. Ah, good times with such painful Babcockian memories...

I love the Toronto Raptors, I honestly do. Even if they were horrid to watch all year round, and even if I was screaming for lottery balls at the TV during their useless run at the end of their 33 win season, I still love my Raptors to death and I still wish I could watch some good NBA basketball on TV right now to help me forget about all the trials and turmoil in my life. If there’s one failure in the world that makes me feel like a goddam fucking success, it’s Maple Leafs Sports Entertainment and oh, how I ever miss it so...

Like I said before, the only thing I could look forward to this year was the NBA Draft, and with the ninth overall pick, Toronto selected DeMar DeRozen to the delight of many Raptors fans, myself mostly included. It was a solid pick and probably the best overall player left on the board in terms of athleticism and upside. He may not have the handling or the shot mechanics yet to be a true threat in the league, but everything that has been said and seen of him so far makes it appear like he has the potential to be the next Vince Carter, or at least a bare minimum of Marvin Williams or something. Whether he comes close to his potential remains to be seen, and whether the Raptors can dig themselves out of this goddam rut they’ve found themselves in all depends on what happens this year with free agency. And naturally, I have my own plan of action of what exactly should happen starting this damn afternoon...

Rumour has it that Bryan Colangelo might pony up all our cap space in order to send one Rashard-Lewis-sized, Kapono-class waste of a contract towards Hedo Turkoglu. It’s not that I wouldn’t want Turkoglu on the team, even though I feel he’s a worthless three-point chucker half the time and only really shines when he lucks out during the final seconds of games. I just wouldn’t want him on such a massive guaranteed contract, especially when the rest of the team has so many holes left to fill (which would be impossible without any further cap space or the use of the MLE). However, I wouldn’t mind a deal where we send a signed and traded Shawn Marion and (pray to the BC gods) Marcus Banks for a signed Hedo Turkoglu coming back our way. In free agency, that would be my first move if I were Bryan Colangelo, leaving us plenty of time and money to bring back Anthony Parker and Carlos Delfino...

After that? Well, it becomes a bit more murky from that point on, but since when has that ever stopped me from dreaming of championship aspirations as clear as mud? The New York Knicks are still obsessed with their 2010 cap space for Lebron James and arguably Chris Bosh, so it’s very possible that they might not match any offers for David Lee in the end, even if it’s only for the full MLE. Let’s just pretend like Bryan Colangelo can somehow persuade one of the best rebounders in the league to take only six million a year, which makes both Kris Humphries and Patrick O’Bryant much more disposable, hopefully leading to a trade with Golden State for Marco Belinelli (a trade that fell through with Joey Graham earlier this year). Top all these moves off with latching onto Steve Nash with the LLE and picking up Joe Johnson from waivers after Atlanta has a huge brain fart, and what do we have?...

Well, obviously the true Toronto Raptors roster for 2009-2010...

... ahem...

C: Andrea Bargnani, Reggie Evans, Nathan Jawai
PF: Chris Bosh, David Lee, Pops Mensah-Bonsu
SF: Hedo Turkoglu, DeMar DeRozen, Carlos Delfino
SG: Joe Johnson, Anthony Parker, Marco Belinelli
PG: Jose Calderon, Steve Nash, Roko Ukic

Now that’s a team I can believe will finally make my dreams come true and at least make the playoffs with home court advantage, only to probably lose in the first round yet again thanks to a Chris Bosh choke job, but still...

At least we Raptors fans would have four great playoff games to watch and then another strong draft gone by without a single Toronto pick thanks to the goddam Jermaine O’Neal trade to Miami...

And at least this team would probably kick ass in NBA 2K10, and at least we’ll be going into a season without Jason fucking Kapono finding a way to somehow travel every ten seconds, even if he doesn’t have the goddam ball...

So Bryan Colangelo? After fucking up last season so damn badly, please make this happen...

You hear me? Make it happen. Make it fucking happen... please?...

And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll buy tickets to the Air Canada Centre all over again...

... even if I’m still goddam unemployed...

...

I’m a dreamer, obviously. I dream about the Toronto Raptors, and I dream far too often about my goddam future...

I keep dreaming of this ideal career of mine, where I have a well paying software development job, where I’m only a year or two removed from being a respected technical manager in a company where I’ve earned that position. I dream of being in an office space where I can just act and be who I really am, where I don’t need to put on a mask and a farce and pretend to be some goddam socialite that I never actually want to become. I don’t want to feel like my work life has to be completely separate from my personal life, I don’t want to regret spending eight or nine or more hours of my existence every single day sitting in a cubicle doing something that has absolutely no meaning to the world. I just want to find a place where I feel comfortable enough to be myself, and where I’m competent enough to be goddam respected. I just want to succeed without having to sacrifice who I am and who I want to be...

I’ve been searching for this perfect job for seven months now, ever since I quit my position at my company going down under. For a while there, I thought I had found the closest fit for me at the big bank and then later as a senior developer at the government, but the competition is simply so tough out there right now and my level of experience just doesn’t cut it. Like I said before, the asshole manager yesterday afternoon really did me a favour. If I can’t feel comfortable being a computer programmer, then it’s time to move on with my life and try something new. I don’t know whether going into business is what I’m meant to do, considering I keep complaining that I hate being social in the work environment and I hate putting on a goddam mask every single morning of the day. But at least getting a CMA would open up a lot of new options, and at least Accounting (as boring as it is) is really the most anti-social business aspect that you can actually be part of in this day and age. I don’t know if this is the right path for me, but right now it’s the only path available and I’ll be choosing to start school late next week. Wish me luck, I guess?...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn’t it?...

... and for that, I wish you all a Happy Canada Day, a Happy Early Fourth of July...

We Chinese are obsessed with the number eight, for dumbass reasons that I don’t even want to get into. And in some respects, 2008 was a fortunate year for China on a whole. Alas, unfortunately for me, I ain’t goddam China, and neither is the rest of the world. In fact, I’d argue that while 2008 was truly a pivotal year for change and progress in the world, it was also the year that shit and spat all over the people of this goddam planet. Sure, there may be light at the end of the tunnel, but right now 2009 doesn’t look to be anything else but an incoming freight train...

This year, history was made. Barack Obama became the first African-American president ever to be elected into power. Say what you want about whether he truly deserved to become president-elect or not, whether he’s merely a charismatic personality and figurehead like JFK was to some extent, or that Obama simply had no real competition in the form of McCain and that Sarah Palin diva of a Republican backstabber. And yeah, even though we still haven’t seen if this new idealistic leader for the world will truly live up to his promises and potential, there’s no real doubt in my mind that history was truly made before our very eyes this year. There were so many people just four years ago who still claimed to their dying breaths that they would never see a non-white American president elected into the White House. Now history has been truly delivered in the sense that nobody even bloody cares anymore. As far as the US is now concerned, they simply elected another Democrat president, colour of his skin be damned. It’s old news now, and that’s exactly what history is all about. That’s the kind of progress and change Obama talked so passionately about in his speeches. Now, if only he makes sure to be true to his word and not become merely another bloody politician, then perhaps history can be made again...

2008 was unfortunately the start of potentially the worst ever recession dating back to the Great Depression of the 1930’s. I can hope that businesses and world leaders can pull the economy out of the rut, but deep down inside I truly do feel like this depression was made by the people and for the people. Even dating back to the Bill Clinton so-called glory days of power, people have been creating a false economy of prosperity and dubious success with maxed out credit cards and mortgages that families simply had no hope of ever paying back. According to a recent report, US consumers normally spend almost ten trillion dollars on goods and services throughout a year and that number has dropped by 30% or more in 2008 alone. Sure, a lot of people have lost their jobs, but this drop can also be attributed to the fact that people never had any real bloody hell money to spend to begin with. People like to point fingers at GM and Iraq and the big banks for going so badly into debt, yet they never point the fingers at themselves. This economic crisis cannot be fixed with a mere slap on the wrist and an economic bail-out, and why? Simply because until people change their spending habits to actually afford mainly what they can, and until the stock market learns that economic stability is better than rapid growth based on false numbers of goddam credit, then the deep rooted problems of the current recession simply cannot be fixed. Not for a long time mind you, not for the whole of 2009 at least...

Of course, while the US is in economic turmoil, Europe is slowly trudging along thanks to at least the strong Euro, and Russia is practically on the brink of another revolution thanks to the spiraling value of oil? China meanwhile is still pretending to be as happy as can be, desperately basking in the leftover glow of their 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though their treasuries of US currency have basically been reduced to the value of the Yen. I have to admit though, this year’s Summer Olympics were truly one of the most memorable sporting events I’ve ever gotten to witness in history. There were just so many amazing and heroic stories, from Michael Phelps winning a record amount of gold medals to Usain Bolt absolutely destroying the world sprint records with Jamaican style...

And then of course we had the whole Chinese gymnastics age debacle, something that was so blatantly obvious to even the most naive of watchers (despite the fact that Chinese girls even at the age of thirty often look like they’re bloody hell twelve). I mean seriously, it was ridiculous how China got to have such an unfair advantage in so many different competitions, simply because a) the girls they used hadn’t ‘developed’ yet, and b) Chinese women are normally goddam flat anyways (believe me, I know...). Still, there’s no denying that it certainly all made for an incredible Olympics story...

... and the sight in 2008 of China on top of the world, made my grandfather so proud before he passed away...

...

Like I said, 2008 may have been a fortunate year for China, but it was personally one of the worst years of my life...

At least it started off alright thanks to my sister’s wedding back in February. Sure, I was miserable as hell having no date or any girlfriend. The only woman I truly did care for simply didn’t give a damn about me at all, and I spent half of my night at the Western wedding reception simply telling my sad sob story of a tale to my cousin of all people. But eventually I did realize that self-pity leads me nowhere, and eventually I did realize that there was no point in pouting when it was the happiest day of my sister’s life. So if I couldn’t be happy for myself, I certainly was happy for her. And in the end, I must admit, my sister and my brother-in-law put on a hell of a show and provided an absolutely stunning wedding that I honestly felt privileged to be a part of. They were just so happy together that of course it made my heart melt, just like the gentle, picture-perfect snowflakes outside that winter night. Not only that, but her wedding was also the last truly memorable time I got to spend with my grandparents, when the both of them did look truly happy together before my eyes. It was almost like my grandfather was waiting for one of his grandchildren to get married before he was ready to leave this world...

My grandpa, he started feeling worried about his health when summer first came around, but it wasn’t until he suddenly fell ill near the end of August that we finally accepted what he already knew, that it was his time to leave this world. I honestly don’t want to talk much about it, especially after a Christmas where I couldn’t help but remember the terrified look on his face moments before he passed away. I’ll never forget that first call I received when I came home from work, with my mother sobbing and crying uncontrollably over the phone, telling me to come to the hospital as soon as possible because she didn’t know how long my grandpa had left to live. I’ll never forget the look on my grandma’s face when we chose to let her into the room that first night, when she exclaimed (angrily at him, might I add), "Why are you here? You were only supposed to go to the doctor. Why are you like this?" When she finally realized what was happening, what was going on, she solemnly took his right hand and started to break-down in tears. What else could I do but hold her? What else could I really have done? I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the three nights I spent with my grandfather before he passed away, wondering if there was anything I could have done more for him, if there was anything I should have said before he left. I miss him, now more than ever. This year of 2008 has not been good to me or my family, and we so dearly miss my grandfather...

Things just haven’t worked out for me since the start of summer. As soon as my grandfather passed away, I realized my life was pointless and directionless, without any true sense of purpose or meaning. I wanted to find my way in life, I wanted to feel alive again, but I didn’t think that it would be the goddam economy and my goddam shitty ass company that would give me a kick to the pants in that regard. 2008 remains as not only the year where I lost my grandfather, but also the year where I fucking got kicked out of my job with style. The details of which are on my download site, but essentially, almost everyone at my company was being laid off. Like I said, I wanted to find a new goal and career path in life, so despite the fear that I could be screwed over in my meeting, I opted to abandon my job and take the option to "leave" rather than stay (which the CEO had given me at the start of our talk). Of course, it ended up being all heresy, and like I predicted, I got completely screwed over by him getting fucking angry at me for not accepting his goddam generosity. He rescinded his offer, took away the somewhat generous compensation package that almost everyone else in the company was receiving for their loss, and then basically dared me with spit in my face to fucking quit and leave my job. So really, as a man with some shred of self-dignity and respect, what else could I do, what else could I choose? I left the company with absolutely nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth, just a month before goddam Christmas was to come. Suffice to say, this year hasn’t gone well for me...

Now I’m unemployed during one of the worst economic crises in a goddam century. Now I’m feeling abandoned and hurt, still reeling from the loss of my grandfather. I’m still without love, I’m still without the girl that I still have feelings for somehow, and I still haven’t grown up to the point where I can shed myself of goddam self-pity...

... I am still the noname writer, the pointless tweaker and dweaker of this goddam website...

... sigh... the more things change, I guess the more things stay the same...

...

In terms of sports, 2008 was perhaps one of the biggest years of them all, especially if you’re a Boston or New York fan. Not so much if you’re a Toronto fan, much to my goddam chagrin...

If you’re a Boston fanatic, not only did the Red Sox win the MLB World Series a year ago and followed it up with another strong season, not only did the Boston Bruins take the Montreal Canadians to seven games in the NHL playoffs, and not only did the New England Patriots go completely undefeated in the NFL season until the very goddam Superbowl, but the goddam Boston Celtics went from the complete joke of basketball to winning the NBA Championship in stunning fashion over the LA Lakers in five fucking games. WTF?...

And if you’re a New York fan? Well, besides the resurgence of the New York Rangers in the NHL, not only are both the Mets and the Yankees doing well overall in the MLB, not only are the New York Knicks in the NBA showing some signs of life thanks to Mike D’Antoni as head coach, but at least you guys got that stunning upset victory with the New York Giants over the much hated Patriots in the goddam Superbowl. Now, why the fuck can’t the Toronto Maple Leafs or the goddam Toronto Raptors have either city’s goddam fucking luck for even one bloody hell year? WTF?...

The only real joy I got out of basketball this year probably came from the US Olympic team. Now sure, my fellow Canadians may hate me for supporting our arrogant brothers to the South, but the US team honestly carried many of my favourite players, most of which I’d love to see in a Toronto Raptors uniform one of these days. Sure, I was secretly rooting for Lithuania as the underdogs while laughing it up at Chris Kaman pretending to be German, but when it came to the final game between Spain and the US? Honestly, despite the presence of Jose Calderon, how can I possibly like a Spanish team that has the overhyped (though very skilled) Ricky Rubio stealing the starter job, has the goddam traitor of Jorge Garbajosa playing his heart out for the team, and has the fucking goddam Gasol brothers annoying me to hell with their Euro banging bullshit? Regardless of who I was cheering for, the gold medal game between the US and Spanish national teams was perhaps the best international game of basketball I have ever watched in my life. And really, the whole story of the "US Redeem Team" just felt right, considering I love Bosh as a player and was so happy to see him well defined as the defensive stopper of the team...

... which leads me back to the goddam fucking Toronto Raptors...

Sam Mitchell was fired a couple months ago, and thank the Bryan Colangelo gods for that. Sure, I admit the Raptors have done just as bad if not worse since Sam’s firing, but there is still no doubt in my mind that The Smitch had got to go. It had become blatantly and painfully obvious that the Toronto Raptors were going nowhere with that lame-duck coach at the helm, and it had been proven time after time again in the playoffs that Mitchell was neither an offensive strategist or a defensive specialist. I’m sure he can be a great motivator as an assistant coach on a good team, or perhaps the head coach on a rebuilding team like Oklahoma City or back with Rob Babcock in Minnesota. But I know deep down inside that if only BC wasn’t hand-cuffed with that 47-win season out of nowhere, where The Smitch somehow managed to steal Coach of the Year, we’d have someone else like Mike D’Antoni or Jeff Van Gundy teaching this team how to play real fucking basketball. I thank Sam Mitchell for helping to develop Chris Bosh into the superstar that he is, and I do believe the former coach of the year was also good at handling depth in terms of an 82-game regular season. But I’m sorry, this team was going nowhere with him as the lead man in the playoffs, and my only regret was that we’re still stuck with Smitch’s sorry ass contract paid out in full for the next two bloody hell years...

With that said, what the fuck is wrong with the Toronto Raptors? When Bryan Colangelo traded for Jermaine O’Neal in the off-season, and after seeing Bosh become a true defensive player on the US Redeem team, I expected huge things for my goddam basketball team this year. I mean, sure I had realized that our depth was diminished with the traitorous losses of Jorge Garbajosa and Carlos Delfino, I knew that Andrea Bargnani may continue to be inconsistent, and I knew there might be injury concerns with Jose Calderon now that he was playing true starter minutes. But did I ever expect Anthony Parker to suddenly become the worst fucking defensive liability out there on the court? Did I ever expect that Jason Kapono would suddenly stop hitting even all the fucking open three point shots that Jay Triano has been giving him in the clutch? Did I ever expect that Chris Bosh would suddenly go through such a horrible slump in the month of December, where time after time he’s been so mentally weak that he continues to jack up threes? Did I ever expect that this Toronto Raptors team would have the absolute worst collection of wing players in the history of the entire fucking basketball league, to the point where Joey fucking Graham has become our saviour? WTF?...

This team needs a change. Now I’m sorry, I do love the frontcourt that the Raptors have assembled where Jermaine O’Neal is a true intimidator on defence, Chris Bosh (in October, at least) was a true superstar in the clutch on offence, and even Andrea Bargnani has some nights where he puts up 20 points and five blocks a game. But dammit, a decent front-court alone simply does not cut it in the post-Jordan NBA...

This team needs a good SF and SG swingman combo in the worst possible way, and of course I’ve got my own genius yet impossible plans if I were in Bryan Colangelo’s shoes today. If I could make a New Years’ Resolution for the goddam team, it would be to first risk it all by trading Jason Kapono, Anthony Parker and Hassan Adams for Corey Maggette, Brendan Wright and Marco Belinelli. Rumours have it that Golden State is desperate to get out of their ludicrous contract signing of Maggette, and they just might take back Kapono’s over-priced MLE bullshit in the process. And once that trade is done? After bringing back old man Parker after his expiring deal is undoubtedly waived? Well, naturally, I’d brainwash Washington to take Corey off our hands for Caron Butler (naturally), and then what do we have?...

I present to you the true Toronto Raptors for the 2008-2009 season...

... ahem...

C: Jermaine O’Neal, Andrea Bargnani, Nathan Jawai
PF: Chris Bosh, Brendan Wright, Kris Humphries
SF: Caron Butler, Jamario Moon, Joey Graham
SG: Marco Belinelli, Anthony Parker, Will Solomon
PG: Jose Calderon, Steve Nash, Roko Ukic

Now that’s a team I can get behind...

Wait, why is Steve Nash there? Eh, whatever. It’s my fantasy team, so fuck off...

Goddammit, the Toronto Raptors have sucked so badly this season, and 2008 has been such a horrible year for me and my family in general. If there is any solace, if there is any consolation in the world, if it really is a goddam wonderful life, then please Bryan Colangelo, please make the above roster come goddam fucking true. It can’t be that fucking hard, now can it?...

I believe in you, BC. I believe in you. I believe in magic. So make it happen...

... make it fucking goddam happen...

And then maybe, just maybe? I won’t regret buying a thousand dollars worth of Raptors tickets this year...

... all of which I purchased shortly before losing my goddam fucking job...

...

2008 started out as the best of times, then it quickly turned to be the worst of times, for me and my family at least...

For others? I know plenty of friends who managed to keep their jobs, or even get promoted. Meanwhile, I’m the one fishing for sympathy simply because I felt I had no choice but to leave thousands of dollars on the table to get the hell out of that office with my pride intact. To add insult to injury, if I had just stayed two more weeks at my position, I would have been safely laid off with the next round of goddam workers. If I knew that would happen while in that goddam meeting at the time, I don’t know what I would’ve chosen...

As for romance? I know plenty of people who found love this year, with my sister getting married to her husband, and with my coworker tying the knot himself this past winter just a week before I fired myself. I also just heard from two former colleagues that they both got engaged as well over the holiday break, and I can’t help but congratulate them for finding the right persons they want to spend the rest of their lives with. At times, I feel like I’ve found that special person, yet here I am still alone, ranting and writing on this goddam website of mine to this very day...

I haven’t been updating my websites lately. I rarely touch my download updates anymore, my noname site is a shadow of its former self, and I believe the timestamps on this Tweakui website speak for their goddam selves. I just haven’t felt the impetus or urge to truly remember what I’ve gone through and experienced this past goddam year. It took me weeks before I was able to coherently put together my thoughts over the death of my grandfather. Years ago, that would have never been the case. Ever since though, I’ve started to come to the realization, what is the point of all I have done? Who do I want to become? As emo as this sounds, who am I? Where do I go from here?...

Goddammit, I’ll be turning twenty-seven years old this coming April, and I am definitely starting to feel my age. After my grandfather passed away, I’ve been desperately seeking and searching for that goddam purpose and meaning in life, for that very goddam reason to be. I want to find the career that I hope I deserve at this point, a path and job that I can hopefully stand for the rest of my life. I want to find that special girl that I truly feel like I can be best friends with, that certain someone that dwarfs all others like my sister and brother have both magically found...

My grandfather and grandmother, even after more than seventy years of marriage ‘till death due them part? Even to the moment of death, they still held hands. When I saw that, I knew what I wanted in life. I knew who I wanted in life. I just somehow knew, you know? I just knew. But sometimes, things don’t turn out the way you hope and goddam dream they will. Sometimes, reality is just a goddam bitch...

Because alas, the hourglass, it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn’t it?...

... though believe me, 2008 was certainly anything but...

Even still, I wish you two readers out there nothing but the absolute best for 2009...

It’s Canada Day all over again, and an early Happy Fourth of July to every American out there.

And what kind of Canada Day would it be without my goddam computer frying and freezing on me all over again, going on the fritz just like it does every single fucking year around this time. Seriously, what are the odds? WTF?...

It was about two years ago to this very day that my old AMD 64 3200+ fried and I replaced it with some cheapass Xplio brand from Staples or some shit like that. Technically, I knew back then that this Xplio was liable to "xplode" on me at any point in time. But for an AMD 64 X2 3800+ with 1GB of DDR2 RAM back then for only $297 (and that’s when the Canadian dollar was mostly kind of worthless)? I figured, why the fuck not go for such a cheapass computer? If it dies, I can just toss it in the trash and barely be losing a thing, right?...

Problem is, I forgot about my goddam pack-rat sort of tendencies back then. Because lo and behold, two years later almost exact to the day, my AMD dual core machine is dying a slow and painful death. There’s either something wrong with the power supply or the motherboard, or perhaps it’s just the Xplio overhearing on me like most AMD machines do. But there were a few times that this fucking PC simply died on me, and the Seagate IDE hard drive inside of it completely got fucked up when Windows XP would reboot and that sort of shit. I’ve run Chkdsk and other hard drive repair scanners to try to fix the mess, but to no avail. Now my computer is prone to random reboots and crashes from time to time, and even when it doesn’t, Windows XP is now stuck using a goddam hard drive with apparently so many bad clusters that I can’t even run in DMA (proper speed) mode anymore. I don’t want to format now either considering I can’t even backup my files properly without something screwing up. WTF?...

I’m a sucker for latching onto my old technology, so I’ve been hesitant to go out searching for a new machine. I actually would prefer an Intel Core 2 Duo above all else, simply because I hear so many people raving about the quality of those processors, and there’s no need to go for an overheating Intel Quad Core system yet or any sort of shit. Granted, I do want a PC that will run Starcraft 2 and Diablo 3 properly when those two games finally arrive on store shelves. But otherwise, all I need is a goddam computer to run the fucking internet with fucking FireFox that barely runs on my AMD Duron 1GHz anymore, even with 512 MB of SDRAM. How the fuck can an internet browser use up so much fucking memory, I don’t fucking know. I just know I’m dying in my house using the ol’ Duron instead of something with a gig of proper RAM or goddam more...

So in my despondent desperation the other day, I decided to take a stroll down memory lane and revisit the local Staples where I bought my beloved Xplio in the first place. I went to go check out the refurbished Compaq that they had, something along the lines of an Intel Dual Core 1.8GHz with 1GB of RAM and a shitty ass integrated video card for $299. It wasn’t an optimal solution for me to purchase, considering that kind of machine was barely more powerful than my current piece of AMD crap. But I figured, hopefully Intel Dual Core motherboards with the Compaq name are more reliable than my shitty ass Xplio. Pop in a nVidia 8800GT card or something, and hopefully this PC would last long enough in Starcraft 2 for me to get my ass kicked just like in the goddam original...

That’s when off in the corner of my eye, I saw a clearance model that I couldn’t believe was the price that it was at. I mean seriously, how much would you expect an AMD Phenom Quad Core processor with three fucking gigs of RAM and a decent ATI onboard video card to cost? Sure, it had the shitty ass Acer name on it, but how much was it discounted from? $600, $700, maybe $800 really? And yet here it was, this shiny tower case in front of me from the same Staples where I got my shitty ass Xplio from, for only $197? That’s right, you read this right, the AMD Quad Core entire package was just one hundred and ninety seven fucking dollars. WTF?...

And you know what was even more mind-boggling? It’s that I didn’t even bother in the end to pick this computer up. I mean, at $197, how the fuck can you go wrong, right? Sure, I may balk at the Acer name, but how can it be any worse than the goddam title of "Xplio"? Sure, I may be concerned for the overheating issues that come from AMD processors, especially with the defects known about the Quad Core Phenom line. But really, even if my motherboard melts on me in just two more years or some shit like that, it’s only one hundred and ninety seven fucking dollars. Combine that with my 10% discount that I get at Staples, and how the fuck could I turn it all down, especially when there was only one more clearance model left? And yet somehow, mystifying as it to me now, that’s exactly what I did. I walked out of the store empty-handed for some inexplicable, Xplio reason. WTF?...

I may go back and check if that machine is still miraculously there after days of being on the shelf, but I doubt that it will be, so it’s time to move on. I’m not sure why I didn’t pick up that PC while I had the chance, but somehow I just wasn’t in the mood to spend two hundred dollars on anything that day. It just didn’t feel exciting to me to see that Acer tower case, no matter the price, that’s all. Sure, I could rip out the innards of that machine and put it in some custom tower case instead, but I just wasn’t in the mood. Even though my precious Xplio had only cost me less than three hundred bucks a couple years back, it was still pissing me off that it suddenly stopped working. It’s all about convenience for me these days, and somehow I just didn’t find it amusing to have to throw out yet another computer, my second in just three years...

So I went home empty handed and opted to fiddle around with my current Xplio instead out of boredom. This morning, all I did was accidentally disconnect the IDE cable from my motherboard and then reconnect it back, and then what do you know? But for some fucking reason, Windows XP reinited the drivers for my goddam fucking hard drive controller and reenabled the goddam fucking DMA speeds for my fucking goddam hard drive. WTF?...

Now, I can finally fucking load FireFox and other applications at normal fucking speeds instead of feeling like I’m crawling back on my fucking AMD Duron or some shit like that. Sure, I’m still vulnerable to random crashes and reboots from overheating, but at least I can fucking surf the web all over again on my X2 Xplio piece of shit. I don’t know why just pulling out a cable and reattaching it solved most of my problems. Guess kicking the crap out of my Xplio for shits and giggles in the past wasn’t the brightest idea I had...

Or maybe my Xplio was just lonely. Afterall, as I was just about to cheat on it, after I was about to discard it to the dumpster and wayside, then all of a sudden it just magically starts working again without any noticeable problems whatsoever? WTF?...

Whatever, I already threw out three computers this past month alone (my old busted AMD 64 3200+, the ancient P2-300MHz system, and my brother’s IBM NetVista P4 2.4GHz piece of heavy as fuck shit). Somehow, I just felt reluctant and ever so despondent to toss out the fucking Xplio to boot...

I guess I’ve fallen in love with that name, apparently...

... it’s like an xplosion in my heart...

Either that, or I’m just that fucking lazy...

... and cheap, don’t forget fucking cheap...

...

All my money these days goes to gaming, mainly to collecting legit PC titles for some odd reason. WTF?...

It all started with clearance copies of Company of Heroes and World in Conflict last year, then compilation classics such as Icewind Dale and the Baldur’s Gate series. I eventually lucked out with a dirt cheap version of Civilization Chronicles, and now I’ve gone berserk with picking up shit like Disciples 2, the Knights of the Old Republic series, Galactic Civilizations and Sins of the Solar Empire. I never play any of these games; if I ever did, instead of opening the sealed boxes, I’d probably just pirate the goddam titles instead. Why do I do this to my wallet anyhew, when I’m too fucking cheap to even replace my goddam fucking Xplio PC? WTF?...

While PC games have been hogging and robbing my bank account, my heart and soul still rests with Nintendo and console gaming in general. On the Xbox 360 front, I’ve run through Mass Effect (which wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be) and forced myself to finish shit like Army of Two and Kane and Lynch, simply because they were co-op titles. Hell, co-op is what made me fall in love with Halo 1 and made Halo 3 bearable. If only more fucking video game companies would put this shit in their titles (Call of Duty 4, I’m looking at you), then I’d be spending so much more cash on the current generation of consoles than I am with collector’s bullshit on the goddam PC...

It’s Nintendo though where all the big news has been happening. If you two readers out there have been paying attention to the NPD sales reports for the past few months, you’d probably be going denial crazy (but at the acceptance phase by now) at just how amazing the Nintendo Wii has been ripping the charts to shreds in North America as of late. Even more so than last year to be honest, as March and April and May this year have proven that the Wii simply cannot be stopped as a social phenomenon, similar to the fucking iPod. Sales may have slowed and been overtaken by the Sony PSP in Japan, but when it comes to the ‘States and Europe, where most sales happen these days? I can’t fucking believe that the Wii is doing so well, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Nintendo would reclaim the top video gaming spot with the fastest selling console in goddam history. WTF?...

How many Wii’s were sold in March, April and May? What, like 700K-800K per month on average, which is a ridiculous number compared to even fucking November at the end of the year. It’s not just the system and Wii Sports that’s moving into so many homes, but certain titles on the console are doing exceptionally well too. Now sure I admit, I wish third party software like No More Heroes and Boom Blox had faired better. But can we really complain about the audience being frugal with money when Guitar Hero 3 has sold over two million copies on the Wii alone, perhaps more than the Xbox 360 and PS3 versions combined?...

The biggest success story for the Nintendo Wii this year has been Super Smash Bros Brawl. Debuting in March, it has now sold over four million copies in the US alone, another million overseas in Japan, and still hasn’t been released in the PAL regions of Europe or Australia. Second on the list is Mario Kart Wii, over two million copies sold in the US and nearing the same number in Japan to boot. And to add insult to injury, it shelled out all these copies while standing strong against the storm known as Grand Theft Auto 4...

And to complete the triangle of utter sheer domination is Wii Fit, although I thought it would sell more than the 700K it did in the US in its initial month. It still has time to pick up speed, just like Wii Play slowly did in its five million sales worth of a swath of destruction. Strangely, the "WiiFit Girl" video on YouTube might help out in the US with over four million views, and Wii Fit already has sold over a million copies in Japan alone. Really, when you think of these three titles destroying the competition of Gran Turismo Prologue, Metal Gear Solid 4 and arguably even Grand Theft Auto 4 (which had great title sales but still couldn’t move HD consoles), who would’ve imagined this kind of fucking scenario just two years ago when I was out and about buying my goddam fucking Xplio piece of shit? WTF?...

You know what’s the sad part of this all for me though? It’s that maybe I’ve just lost the interest to play games outside of my DS or some shit like that, but the only thing that excites me about these Nintendo titles these days is the sheer amount of copies they sell compared to the competition and nothing more. Smash Bros Brawl was okay the first few times I played a four person contest, but it really did feel like a slower (more tactical yes, but more boring) version of Smash Bros Melee back on the Gamecube. Brawl was a very well done title with a huge package of features, and I did keep on chugging away until I unlocked all the stages and characters, but the online or the tedium of the Subspace Emissary certainly did not help in keeping my goddam interest in the game at all...

Mario Kart Wii fixed some competition issues by removing snaking, but now I just find the inclusion of twelve racers at once to be far too hectic in terms of random item bullshit happening on screen, with barely any skill leftover in the game whatsoever. Sure, I can turn this all off in multiplayer mode, but what fun are the campaign races anymore when I can’t even unlock shit with a cousin or friend in co-op? I’ve been complaining that developers have been forgetting about co-op gameplay for years now, even after Halo reintroduced it in a big way, so why the fuck would Nintendo suddenly remove it from one of their most popular co-op titles of all fucking time? Hell, they even nerfed and neutered the battle mode aspect after getting it right for God knows how many years. If it wasn’t for the party aspect of using the Wii Wheel, I think I even preferred Double Dash on the Gamecube over this fucking disappointing bullshit. WTF?...

And yet I still cheer both of these titles on whenever it comes to global sales. Why is that, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just in my blood now to root for the company that defined my childhood and made me who I am. I’m just illogical, emotional and traditional that way, for the same reasons I refuse to let go of the past and just dump that goddam fucking Xplio PC of mine now that it’s choking like Sony is on the PS3...

When I hear that Sony is losing billions on the PS3 every single fucking year, I chuckle and I let out a smile. Why is that though, when I have absolutely nothing at stake here but my pride, I don’t know. But rooting for Nintendo out of sheer childhood folly, provides more pure fun and excitement for me than any of the Wii, Xbox 360 or PC games that I actually waste my time and money on to buy. Who would’ve thunk, right?...

And I personally don’t have a problem with rooting for a corporation that doesn’t give a shit about me...

Otherwise, how the fuck could I still be a fan of the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs?...

... wait, why am I still a fan of the Maple Leafs?... WTF?...

...

On the subject of the Toronto Maple Leafs, to be fair, I do think Cliff Fletcher has pulled off some decent moves as of late. Drafting Luke Schenn as a true defenceman and potential future captain was an excellent move in my opinion, buying out Darcy Tucker was a necessity, and I can’t help but root for the GM after threatening to send Bryan fucking McCabe down to the minors where he belongs. The Leafs may be total shit next year, but what difference is that compared to almost every other season? If we tank hard enough, at least we have hope of actually attaining Tavares first overall in the draft or some shit like that. I can dream, now can’t I?...

I pretty much lost interest in the Toronto Maple Leafs a couple years back, when my precious Xplio replaced them in my heart. Instead, I’ve still been as religious and cultist as ever in following my Toronto Raptors in the NBA, and I even got to go to a playoff game for the second straight year in a row. Game 3 of the Orlando and Toronto series, to be exact...

I admit that I was more impressed when I went to Game 5 of the New Jersey series last year, simply because I couldn’t get enough of the "Let’s Go Raptors, VC Sucks" chants back then. It was the first time I had ever been to a playoff game, and goddam was the crowd electrifying and deafening and so damn motivating, all at the same time. I was in the Sprite Zone back in the day (can’t beat $15 playoff tickets), and considering how loud it was in the upper bowl, I can only imagine how damn hard the arena was shaking down at courtside. I loved almost every minute of that New Jersey Game 5, and I was so completely hoping for a repeat of the experience this time around...

At the time of Game 3 this season, I guess my expectations for the crowd against Orlando were a little too high, considering I went home to read that apparently we were the loudest Toronto has ever been since against Philadelphia in the Vince Carter era. Don't get me wrong, we were damn loud enough to be defeaning in the building, and I think our crowd had more spirit than any arena until the Celtics made it to the goddam finals. Jamario Moon even commented that the floor was shaking from our chants of "Howard, Howard" and "Superman Sucks", and damn was that ever memorable. I was in the upper bowl, where we even tried to get a "Fuck You, Turkoglu" chant going, although I guess it never did take off with the parents...

I enjoyed the game for what it was worth, and of course I joined in on the requisite "Jose, Jose" chants that had started last year, and the new "TJ, TJ" cheer that apparently the man in question didn’t even manage to hear. I had a lot of fun that night at the ACC, but the experience just didn’t wow me like it did back against the hated Vince Carter and the New Jersey Nets. Still, it was probably the best damn night I’ve had all year round so far, and it broke my heart when the fans just couldn’t muster up the same deafening roars in Game 4 to even the series up...

As for the series itself, I can’t believe that the Orlando Magic rolled over the Toronto Raptors as easily as they did. I expected six games minimum, seven games more likely, as I thought that Toronto would at least be able to take advantage of the bloody hell crowd they had at home. In Game 3, Dwight Howard could barely see the rim at free throws through the mocking chants of his name, and their three point shooters of Keith Bogans and Maurice Evans always seemed to choke when the Raptors crowd lit the arena on fire...

But alas, it was just not meant to be. Rasho Nesterovic reverted back to his pre-Raptors self in terms of a choke job on offence, and we were forced to try to guard Dwight Howard with Chris Bosh and Andrea Bargnani the rest of the way. If only Bosh had hit that jumper to end Game 2 with a Raptors win, the series could have been completely different. Instead though, the only things to come out of this series were that our frontcourt is soft as Cottonelle, our point guard "strength" turned into our greatest of kryptonites, and we ended up as the joke of a Canadian team that lost to the sorry bunch that couldn’t even get to six games against Detroit. WTF?...

I’ve been following the Raptors since Toronto was first announced to be receiving an expansion team, and since then, there have been far more playoff busts and misses than any goddam successes. Which is exactly why the REAL playoffs to me have always been the NBA fucking drafts. I look more forward to the end of June than any other time of the season but the start of the first fucking round, before the Raptors’ first fucking loss every single fucking year. I mean, it’s the NBA Draft where I get hopes and dreams for the next season when every team’s standings reset at the start. Sure, the Raptors have constantly led to as many draft busts as they have playoffs losses, as Rafael Araujo and Michael fucking Bradley can more than just attest to. But hey, it never stops me from dreaming, now does it? Nor do any trades that just happen to consummate at this time of the year as well...

Am I happy about the trade of TJ Ford, Rasho Nesterovic, Maceo Baston and the 17^th pick in this draft (Roy Hibbert) for Jermaine O’Neal and the 41^st pick in the draft (Nathan Jawai)? Yes and no really, although as sad as this is to admit, I would’ve been much more content if only we could’ve kept that 17^th pick too and gotten Nicolus Batum or JJ Hickson as cheap rookie talent...

Now, I’ve always loved Jermaine O’Neal’s game, much more on the defensive side than ever on the offensive, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s making $22 million a season. With Calderon signing for $8 million a season, there’s absolutely no room left below the luxury tax mark to get the clutch scoring winger that we so desperately needed, which leaves Bosh as our go-to-guy. Sure, O’Neal’s presence at centre will lighten the load defensively on Bosh a ton, but enough to really make him the LeBron James of this team? I really doubt something that magical can actually happen...

What I do love about this trade, is that Jermaine O’Neal only has two years left in his monstrous contract, making him a huge expiring in the year that Chris Bosh, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire, Joe Johnson and Kobe Bryant all become free agents. Imagine the kind of team that Bryan Colangelo could assemble then, assuming that the salary cap will be much larger and that he doesn’t have to compete against every single other team for these players’ services. I truly do believe Jermaine O’Neal will make the Raptors a good enough team to get to the second round at the least, maybe even the conference finals if we’re lucky. But are we good enough to beat even a declining Boston or Detroit in the next coming years, and do we have anyone to stop LeBron James? Without that clutch swingman and lockdown defender, I don’t really think we have more of a chance than Orlando did against Detroit this season...

The way I see this off-season, personally? I like to imagine the luxury tax doesn’t exist, or that Jermaine O’Neal stays with the Raptors by buying out his contract for zero dollars and then resigning with us for the veteran minimum. From that point on, I’d somehow sign Corey Maggette with the MLE (just like Orlando is trying to do right now, probably in vain) and trade Anthony Parker and Joey Graham for Mike Miller (now in Minnesota, where Rob Babcock and Kevin McHale don’t know what the hell they’re doing). Of course, Indiana would then release Rasho Nesterovic and TJ Ford to waivers while Minnesota does the same to Anthony Parker, and we pick them all back up for veteran minimums as well. Naturally of course, this is exactly what should happen to us in the NBA...

And then what do you have, but the true version of the Toronto Raptors of the 2008-2009 season...

... ahem...

C: Jermaine O’Neal, Rasho Nesterovic, Nathan Jawai
PF: Chris Bosh, Andrea Bargnani, Kris Humphries
SF: Corey Maggette, Jamario Moon, Jason Kapono
SG: Mike Miller, Anthony Parker, Hassan Adams
PG: Jose Calderon, TJ Ford, Roko Ukic

Now THAT’s what NBA Draft time is really all about, especially after TJ Ford learns proper humility from the trade, and Andrea Bargnani realizes from Jawai just how to be a real man and play like a 20/10 four and five...

So Bryan Colangelo, if I can make this happen on internet paper, then what’s stopping you from making it happen in real fucking life?...

I was honestly losing interest in the team after their loss in Game 4. But this, the Jermaine O’Neal trade and all the above? THAT would make the new season a hell of a lot more interesting once again...

BC, you know what to do. Make it happen.

Make it fucking happen...

... and oh, might as well pick up Mats Sundin to be a fucking bench-warmer too...

... as fucking punishment for the traitor for even thinking of going to Montreal...

...

This is all what I love about this time around Canada Day. That’s why I always write around July 1^st...

It’s Canada fucking Day. It’s almost the Fourth of July. How the hell can you go wrong?...

The NHL Draft just happened, the NBA Draft just reopened my eyes, and I must admit, the luck of the Irish over in Boston this past year was just amazing to behold. Whether it was from their World Series Baseball victory last year, their Superbowl run in the NFL this year, their near-upset against Montreal in the NHL playoffs this season ,or the Boston Celtics winning it all in long-standing traditional fashion against the goddam Lakers just a few weeks ago, 2007-2008 was practically a storybook for the bastards in that city. It’s like the mayor sold his soul to the devil or some shit like that, and I sincerely hope they get bad karma back up their cocky asses this coming season...

The Euro Cup just finished, the Beijing Olympics are soon to start, the world economy is in the shitters as much as my goddam Xplio PC, and it’s raining like hell here in Canada almost every single fucking day of Spring and Summer so far. But hey, at least my precious Nintendo Wii is still selling faster than hotcakes, rain or shine. I may not give a shit about any country in soccer or even the Olympics (but for maybe US basketball), but at least I have my goddam Japanese childhood company to cheer for like there’s no tomorrow. Better than putting faith in the goddam Toronto Maple Leafs anymore, at least...

This year certainly has had its up and downs, both in my personal life and my fucking Xplio existence...

... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn’t it?...

Well, I guess that’s what a day off is always meant to be...

... a time to recuperate, a time to share with family, a time to rant and whine and gripe on this goddam website of mine...

And that’s what Canada Day means to me. This is what July 1^st means to me...

... hopefully, that’s what the Fourth of July will mean to one of you two readers out there as well...