I'm Scared. I've got a Sixth Sense... I see Kyro II Settings... in my Display Properties... and my Napster is starting to stare at me...

Well, ain't that something. You should win a Nobel Prize or something like that. I've never ever seen that Sixth Sense movie yet. I'd have little nightmares all over it... I remember when the talk of the town were those idiotic, Jason movies with chainsaws and crap like that. And I stayed clear of every who liked those movies. Guess I was sort of afraid they'd strap me down, whip my arse, and make me watch those films as a bed-time story or something. I've always been quite paranoid of everyone and everything around me, and display settings are sadly no exception. I play with them all the time, but gosh, I just hate seeing them in my Display Properties. Every chance I get, I burn those witches out. I uninstall everything I bloody can to free the slaves, and free my tablet thingies in the display options of the Control Panel. I've always prided myself on being that Abraham Lincoln - you know, that guy in the film who saved the Jews from the Nazis... heh... I'm just kidding... um... but before I make enemies of every nation out there, let's take a close examiniation of all those crappy Kyro II settings you'll find in the display properties.

Disable Waiting for V-Sync - Aw, come on... Don't tell me... You're afraid of shadows, you're afraid of molesting your Sound Blaster Live, and you're actually still afraid of this V-Sync option? Give me a break. I think anyone who's bored enough to find my webpage is smart enough to have ticked this V-Sync disabling option off a few million times by now. If V-sync is enabled, the video card will run at the same speed as your refresh rate. If disabled, it'll run as fast as it can, and the skies the limit... And as stupid as it sounds, I choose to keep V-sync on. I don't care if my games get past 60fps, or 72 fps, or whatever the hell my refresh rate is at. Keeping V-sync on makes my crappy serial mouse work better and stay in sync with all of my other crap hardware, and, well... If 264 fps for 5.2 ms of your game per hour is what you just can't stop jacking off to in the morning, then go right on ahead and disable that v-sync. But if you're not some lonly GeForce 3 owner... Then maybe V-Sync is right for you...

Force 4x ( 2 x 2 ) Anti-Aliasing - If you just can't live without chugging down on that FSAA, then maybe you should get your sweet ass filled with this FSAA 4x setting. It'll give the maximum amount of image quality out of all the FSAA settings, and I've heard that this setting works things and wonderful things with the Kyro II. I personally won't trust it until I try it myself. I've got a 15 inch monitor. Why the hell would I ever need FSAA anyhew?

Force 2x Horizontal Anti-Aliasing - Well, here we go around. Around and around the circus tent folds. Where am I going with this? I don't know. Don't sue me, though. I just got up from a nap and I'm revving for some personal action... Well, with that aside, this horizontal FSAA option will guess what? Only oversample those horizontal pixels or some crap like that. If you need some FSAA in your life and you won't settle for a blow-up doll, then I suggest you get your fillings with this Horizontal FSAA option.

Force 2x Vertical Anti-Aliasing - And, well, for those of you who love puppies and refuse to chew them into tobacco, this setting is for you. It's the worst of the FSAA options visual wise, but it'll get your games faster. It sort of reminds me of the Nictonine patch, without the Mexicans of course, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... Hmmm... well, for a good time, go call 555-any number will work, and then check this FSAA Vertical option just so you won't feel left behind with the times. Personally, FSAA is still useless to me. I'd just prefer to crank that resolution to 1024x768 and see how it flys on my 15" monitor.

Force Texture Compression - Oh, now this is quite the sensitive topic to me... I may be a PowerVR type of guy, but I'm still a S3 BlueSonic crap fan at the second level of the heart, or some sappy thing like that. And I love S3TC. Not DXT1. S3TC, and nothing else. You got that? No? Aw, it doesn't matter anyhew... S3 went bankrupt, and they ain't coming back from beyond the grave, even after my sacrifice of a chicken... But that's besides the point. Enabling Texture Compression will speed up your game a bit, and maybe even let some of your textures seem a little better as long as you crank up that texture quality setting. But loading times will be as tiresome and annoying as a spouse... Keep auto S3TC off unless you've got some SCSI 3 Hard drive running at 15400rpm or something like that.

Defer Render Until Flip - I wonder how this little baby works... Normally, your Kyro II card would draw half of a scene when it gets the needed information, and then draws the other half when the gets the other information. This sort of causes one problem. Wherever those halves are supposed to meet - sort of looks like Meet Joe Black, although I have no idea why I just thought of that movie... Never saw it either. It just has a really crappy name, that's all... So to improve image quality, you can Defer the Render or whatever until those cows start rubbing your lips. And for some odd reason, I've heard that this Defer thing can speed up your games too. Maybe it's because of that Kyro II Tile Based Architexture system. I don't know. But go ahead and do some real world benchmarks with this if you're as bored as I am.

Force Annetropitic, or Anisthrophic, or Anapormorphic, or Whatever Filtering - Why won't Anisotropit or whatever you call it Filtering just plain die? I know it makes far away textures look as damn good to men as Michael Jackson does. And I know people feel safe, knowing they're using this Akkapormophic filtering proccess to get the best damn image quality they can. But honestly, why keep around a stupid, filtering method that slows down your games two to one, whatever that means. But more importantly, I can't pronounce it's bloody name? I'm ashamed, Okay? I'm taking CAA classes just to recover from the emotional trauma. So please, I beg of you, I beg of everyone out there - if you truly do care for those Ethiopians begging in the windows, then please, do not enable this goddam feature! Please, let's starve this feature out until some new kind of filtering comes up with a name that even we Asians can pronounce properly...

Force Trilinear Filtering - Ha! Let me laugh it all out. Don't get me wrong - I may not have a Kyro II card, and besides naked pictures of Mr. Burns, I know what I like. I like PowerVR. And I liked S3. I didn't just like that old, bankrupted company because of their S3TC. I loved them because they had free trilinear filtering. Their bilinear stuff sucked so much that games actually improved in speed when you brought them to the trilinear level... and, well... PowerVR isn't so fortunate. You could turn on this trilinear filtering. It sure as hell is better than the anamorpolfic crap because I can actually spell this type of filtering. But it will run slower than bilinear. So it's your call.

Enable Soft Edges on Cut-Out Textures - Hmm... never heard of this one. Reminds me of Herbal Essences. You see, a few months ago, I started to suck at school. Nothing went right for me, and I think I know what caused it. There was no shampoos left in my house... none except for... Herbal Essences... and I used it. It wouldn't lather. I had no orgasm. Damn advertisements lied to me... And I've been using that same, defective bottle ever since. I think it's making me stupid... Well, I guess this soft edge thing is lot like blurring on the N64 console I so love to, uh, love. Enable this feature to reduce artifacts. And I don't know which setting runs faster or not. There's probably not much difference. It's only mipmapping, and any condom can handle that.

Force W Buffer - What does the W mean anyhew? Win-buffer? Waffle buffer? World Wildlife Federation Buffer? Probably something like that. It's a hell of a lot slower than the Z-buffer, so don't bother turning this option on unless you've got tons of artifacts in your games that you want to clean up, or you're actually desperate enough to get your games running at 15 fps or something, more or less.

Enable External Stencil Buffer - Ah, my old friend, the stencil buffer. Made shadows look kind of better on my ol' S3. It also slowed my game down by half, so that wasn't very pleasant. Quake III just ain't no fun at 8 fps. I prefer 12 fps, you know... Anyhew, keep this option off for the best performance. But if the game's in-game or whatever stencil buffer can't handle it's own crap, you're going to have to supply the porta-potty with this external stencil buffer thingy.

Enable D3d 3d Stencil Buffer Format - Uh, nice name for an option... I mean, how many options are there for this PowerVR card? Hell, I'm not sure if I want it anymore. It'll make my display properties look as clustered as my hard drive on a meltdown day or something. Anyhew, keep this option off to increase speed. Turn it on to use D3d only standards for that stencil buffer thingy. D3d compatibility is supposed to reduce artifacts and crap like that, but I wouldn't trust any thing that came from Microsoft.

Enable Stencil Buffer Storing - Okay, leave this option off for max speed. Turn it on to make sort of like a buffer for that, uh, stencil buffer... hmmm... doesn't sound right... But what this option does is stores the stencil buffer stuff in a cache just to make sure it all comes out right. Disabling it will keep the stencil buffer busy on the fly, and we all know that sex is so much more fun when you just aren't peeking. Then again, there is a chance that the surprise could come a little early by accident, but I digress, whatever the hell that means.

Enable Stencil Buffer Loading - Don't know, and don't care what this option does. All I know is that things run so much smoother if you leave it off and make sure you don't superglue yourself to, uh, yourself... I still haven't seen American Pie, although it'll probably fit right up my alley... Well, the videocassette would fit. Not sure if I can jam that DVD in too... But enough of that kind of crap. This option does something like preloads all the crap from the Stencil Buffer Storing option or something like that. To make a short story short, I have no idea what I'm talking about. And yet you readers still come back to read up on my advice...

Enable Async or Something Stencil Depth Access or Some Crap Like That - Just thought of something... my cousin used to call me Unafarter. Guess the hell why? Because I fart all the time. I've got gastric problems. Fun to learn, isn't it? I've got this huge scar on my left cheek from when I had chicken pocks, if that's how you spell it. One of my hugest pox thingies was on my cheek, and it had become all crusted up. And since I'm always constapated when crapping on the John... it sort of burst on me. My pox thing burst big time into blood, and sweat, and tangy puss. And it's never healed since then. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? No, sounds more like a fart... Anyhew, enabling this async or whatever feature will make the Stencil Buffer work all the time, instead of waiting for the last frame to be finished. Turn it on for increase speed, but keep it off if you're weird and actually care about graphics.

Use Application Specified Buffering - We all know what triple buffering is, right? It's this third buffer in memory that allows the video card more GPU clock cycles or something like that... uh, okay, so I don't know anything about that triple buffer. So sue me, okay dokay? All I know is it makes games run faster, and it eats up more video card RAM. By default, the Kyro II will use triple buffering, but if a game just won't run, turn this option on to allow either single or double buffering. Some games require that kind of crap. I guess some just like going old school. I would too if I already had all those succulent, painful memories at university that so many get to enjoy on masse... That is how you spell masse, isn't it? Oh, whatever...

Force Single Buffer - Okay, if you want the fastest possible speed, use single buffering. Guys always work harder when single, just to make sure they show off to the ladies. The problem is, they make fools of themselves while single. I kept banging my head on lockers and doors and crap like that in high school, and somehow I still stayed single the whole, damn time. Wonder why?... And just like us single guys, single buffers had a tendency to go early and ugly. They cause tearing and artifacts and stuff like that, and you know what I want to learn in the future? I had a dream not long ago, how I should go bra shopping and take some of those puppies home. You know, to put them off and test how to get them off as quick as possible. I got to start prepping myself up for university, you know...

Force Scissor Support Off - heh... Never heard of this option, but anytime I hear the word "scissor"... heh... Reminds me of Goldeneye. I wish I knew someone like Xenia, who gets so turned on from violence and pain and crap like that... No, wait. If I want a perfect mate, I the no-name dweaker, has to find someone who gets a rise from how pathetic I am, and how nerdy I am, and how wimpy I look. I need someone who wants to bite my dick off everytime I gripe about my day... Sounds like I need a man, but I ain't going there... Anyhew, I think scissoring has something to do with the screen always been drawn in the same fashion. Turn scissor crap off to improve performance and let the screen draw in unpredictable ways. I prefer to keep scissoring on, though. It's less romantic, but it makes a tighter fit so my little prick won't get loose...

Enable Scene Manager - Don't know what this option does. I'm going to take my hand, pretend like I'm pointing to the North Pole, and do what all gypsies do: guess. I'm going to guess that enabling this feature will reduce artifacts and reduce speed. That's just my guess. My other guess isn't so good. When I think of Scene Manager, I think of being in kindergarden again, when I had to lay some gift down for a baby Jesus in a manger scene. I think I tripped and knocked his head off. Just yet another example of the joys of being the no-name dweaker.

Enable Fast Colour Calculations - If you can't tell, it's getting close to night. That's why I'm getting more horny. And the strange thing is, porn movies never turn me on. Whenever I check up on the hardcore stuff on the net, I think of ice cream, I think of Sound Blaster Live cards, but that's about it. I get more turned on from watching my mom sleep on the couch... uh... wait... that doesn't sound good. Time to backspace, but I just can't find that button anywhere... Anyhew, fast colour calculations will speed up your games, but make them less colourful or something.

Hell, I don't want to make my games run faster... Yeah, right. I must be stoned right now. Just tell me how the hell I can overclock.

Heh... All my comments on sex and crap like that... I'm surprised no-one's complained yet. I wonder... do computer nerds actually find my writing funny, or just plain annoying? Annoying would be good. I've never been cool, or bad, or something hip hop or anything like that in my life. I've always been the little dweeb, jacking off by the lockers, acting as obnoxious as always. One time, a girl asked me if I washed my hair. I told her no. I sort of forgot the night before. And the sad thing is, I still rarely wash my hair. I hate bathing. I really do. I hate soap. It burns my skin, so I never use it. I used to never wash my hands after taking a crap. Just thought I should tell you that before you shake hands with me... And there was this one time when taking a piss at school, you know what I always do? When you're squirting out the last of that white stuff out of your pants, I use my hands to squeeze it all out. Most people do the shake with their pants. I just do the groin pull, or shall we name it the IvanF piss around this point? And a bunch of Grade 9s... they were doing the gay thing and watched me take a piss through the mirror on the side, and as I did the little IvanF piss thing, they started laughing, saying I was jacking off and crap like that. They seemed like they were getting turned on. I should've actually jacked it, and asked for money for entertaining them or something. But to tell you the truth, I've never masturbated. Never once... well, not on purpose... but that's besides the point...

Anyhew, to overclock, saw over at 3dSpotlight that if you check out [HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\PowerVR\KYRO\HWSettings\PMXKERN] in Windows9x, you'll find somewhere that allows you to overclock that Kyro II. If you're a Windows2000 fan, go ahead and try an IvanF piss of your own in the reg at [HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\PowerVR\KYRO\HWSettings\PMXKERN]. Not sure if overclocking will actually make your games run faster. But they make half of the computer geeks out there feel so much more secure, that why the hell not? If you choose to overclock because you just can't pull off looking good in a Benz, then go right ahead and be my guest.

What the F&$#ing Guff? I've tried every damn setting in Win9x to fix my Kyro II. Why won't the Sh*$ty Guff work?

Write... uh, I mean... right... I did that on purpose... heh... of course I did... Which somehow reminds me of toilet humour. Somehow, everything reminds me of toilet humour. I just went to the crapper downstairs, and you know what? I flushed the toilet. A full flush. Backtrack 6 or 7 years in my life, and it would've been left full of piss and everything. You remember all those commericals how we're supposed to save water? Well, I took that to the heart, and started this campaign in my house to never flush the toilet. Everytime we did, it would ruin the nearby lakes, and I didn't want a guilty conscience, so... I never flushed the toilet, except when the crap I crapped out pilled higher than the toilet seat... And I never did actually start flushing until my dad got these crap Mexican water saving toilets downstairs. They clogged every single damn I tried to flush the toilet, so the only solution was to make tiny, little mini flushes all the time. It was like training wheels for me or something... And oh, don't get me started on those crappy bike rides of mine. Guess that's a story for another dweak.

Anyhew, if the settings in Win9x don't do crap, maybe your bios is at fault? I don't know. Go ahead and play with some of the settings. If you want to know what the optimum AGP size for the Kyro II is, I've been told it's 256MB of RAM. That's insane. That's my whole friggin' computer. How much RAM do they expect you to have anyhew? Spoiled gamer bastards... um... did I just leak that out? Oops. Time to itch my finger on the backspace button... If 256 MB doens't work properly, which it shouldn't unless you're insane, then go ahead and set the AGP to as much as you want. I prefer just to use the onboard video memory, but that's because I'm just a nerd, and not insane, and not being that combo is bad thing in this day and age.

And you know that UC and USWC feature in the bios? I normally tell you to go ahead and try the USWC feature because it'll make you feel like you're running your games faster, even though you aren't. But a lot of motherboards get screwy when you make the Kyro II have sex with the USWC. It's like embryo cloning. They get AIDs or something. So if you want more compatibility, stick with that old, UC crap.

Oh, and if you're really desperate, then go ahead and turn down your AGP stuff. Reduce the AGP4x mode to AGP 2x or something. AGP sucks crap anyhew, so you probably won't notice any difference whatsoever from the bandwith difference. Hell, I hope the new video cards of the future turn to PCI-X or something, because AGP has been a lie it's entire life. I was even looking forward to AGP4x, until I realized how goddam slow that went too. But I digress. I'm still bitter at myself for never having an AGP video card... sniff sniff... I'll be in the corner now if you need me... And oh, if you're really, really desperate, like joining the dating want-ads or something like that, go ahead and turn off AGP Turbo in your Via drivers, or just reduce your AGP speed to 1x. I'm sure Intel will handicap you for that, but in an honest and fair society, AGP1x will run just as fast as PCI, which in truth runs just as fast as AGP8x or whatever the hell they'll come out with to get more money out of gamers. Not like we'd care about, though. We're all supposed to be insane, you know. Hell yeah, damn straight!