Y2kk Update: Wow... triple sow cow... or however the hell you're supposed to spell that twirly thing...

You know that I really don't have anything to say, when my top news story of the day is the fact, that for at least one goddam moment, my Nortel Stocks were actually up to $12 CDN yesterday afternoon. And considering I bought my hundred shares at just $1.69 a piece? I'm on my way to a brand spankin' new plasma screen, although that definitely won't happen for a while unless Nortel actually produces a damn product for once...

Just for the IvanFian impaired, the story goes like this: in high school (and also in the post modern day), I was an idiot. I said that Nortel stocks would never dip below $60... and they goddam dropped to below $50 by the time I handed in my goddam Nortel assignment... So I made a vow. I said that if Nortel stocks ever dropped below $2 a piece, I'd irrationally buy a hundred of them, and refuse to sell them until they reached the Nortel zenith of $120 each (or $60 if the stocks split, etc...)... And when the time came that Nortel actually dipped below the stunning $2 mark, I wasted my money on a promise that nobody expected me to keep (and nobody remembered that I said... considering I only said it as a joke at the time to people I don't even remember). Hell, I thought the company would go bankrupt or something, and that my $170 was going towards nothing but my pride... But now look what's happening! I'm already one fourth of the way to a decent plasma screen. And one tenth my way to keeping my promise... that is, if I ever decide to keep my promise and refuse to sell, even though I only need $6000 to get the television of my dreams...

... yeah... only $6000...

So why the hell don't I just get a fucking job?...

...

... and I guess that's really been the all-telling story as of late. Because you see, in case I never wrote about it on this website of mine, I did sign up for the PEY co-op program at the University of Toronto this year. I submitted my crap cover letters and my feigned resumes to a bunch of companies, hoping for a just a single interview back in return... But guess the fuck what? I got rejected from them all. Not a single damn company, no matter how desperate or small, chose me from their huge stock pile of goddam trash. Obviously, they only chose the best and brightest, indicated by the fact that the guys with 90s in courses are getting every damn job offer they could ever dream of wanting (and of course, the fact that they have corporate experience just makes the choice all the more sweeter)... And hell, even companies I never signed onto are getting into the act! Just this morning, I got an interview rejection from RIM, a company that I didn't even apply to! It's as if the cosmic karma of the goddam universe is poking its anal probish rear right into my ass, squirming inside and out of my goddam intestines the goddam fact, that pity the fool - I am a loser... with no job experience, with no academic intelligence, and with no goddam money for the goddam 53" plasma television screen that I goddam want...

But of course, that's not the worst of it all. Because right on cue, just the same as any other year, my god-awfully annoying business sister and mother are getting on my case yet again about not finding nemo and not finding a job. I mean, year in and year out, they say the same goddam things. And every time I fucking tell the truth to them, that "I know, I know..." all the bullshit they're telling me, they obviously just get mad at me and start talking to each other behind my back... and in front of my face, mind you...

I mean, this is the goddam kind of syndrome that I used to only get around friends that had fucking girlfriends in high school. I mean, you know that kind of bullshit braincase? Whenever a guy or girl gets a so-called loved one, in order to feel like they're selfless or spiritual or some crap like that, they feel it's their goddam right and goddam need to spread the joy to everyone else, and annoy every single goddam single guy or girl out there into getting a goddam fucking partner of their own... And the same goes for business people, because honestly, my sister was a hell of a lot easier to deal with when she was fired, unemployed, and constantly sobbing in her goddam bedroom. But all those years she thought she was it and all-that in Ivey Business School, and after she finally got her confidence back by getting a couple of jobs, she just can't help pulling off on me the god-awful "I have a loved one - you should have one too, so we can both be happy!" kind of shit on me... in terms of business, at least (only my mother still demands that I get a girlfriend these days... everyone else has given up on ol' Yoda me...)... year in, year out, that's all the mockingbird ever crows... although I will give my sister some credit, that at least she was softer and more gentle about all this crap this year around...

Obviously though, my mother and my sister have a point. I'm obviously not trying my blow job hardest to get a job, just like I'm obviously not trying my hardest to Microsft excel at university... and, well?... Duh. You don't need to be a business major to figure that out... I only do the crap I do out of necessity it seems, and my sister just can't get it in her head that unlike her, I don't want a fucking high class, social elite, fucking job. Not yet at least... It may be a necessity to her, as evident by the fact she was having nervous breakdowns by just getting fucking fired before she had even truly landed her job. And it's true, oh it's true - a job is necessary for me, considering I need 600 hrs of practical experience just to graduate from my goddam engineering university (not to mention the fact that my precious plasma screen is just $6000 CDN away...)... but still... every single goddam time she lectures me on how to do a cover letter, or how to con a resume, or how to phone in and suck up to the recruiters... She always fails to ever goddam acknowledge, that I'm obviously not listening to her like she's some sort of corporate goddess, like she thought everyone listened to her back in business school... Every year, she gets pissed that I simply don't care a rat's ass at what she has to say, and she flames me for it.

Well, news flash. I don't care. She never says anything new, so why should I care?... I will eventually get a job, because I have to get a job. And goddammit, I'm actually trying this year! Albeit not as goddam hard as they keep demanding out of trifle ol' me... And every single year, no matter what I do, as long as I don't get a goddam job, I have to go through the same damn lectures, with my mother and sister trying to prove to me that the only way to get a good job, is to be like them. To be so damn happy when you're writing your damn cover letters. To love with all your fraudulent heart the job you finally get. To wear it like a mantle. To snifle it like a smile. To stand on it like a pedestal. To represent it as who you are and how much you're worth.

To define who you are, what you were, and what you want to be.

And, well?... they may be right... I'm not saying they're wrong.

Hell, I'll even say they're right, at least in terms of the real world of the modern day... outside of IvanFian space time, that is...

But at least let me roll my eyes. You can only be lectured by the same damn lectures so many times until you goddam roll up the rims of your goddam eyes...

ATI: Well, I've obviously missed a few Catalyst releases over the months... Seems version 4.1 snuck up on me somewhere, and already Firingsquad has a review up about the latest drivers. Maybe you can find a link there too at at the review at: http://firingsquad.com/hardware/catalyst_4.1/.

ATI: Well, the end of January ain't normally associated with nostalgia, not even for no-name me. But still, Firingsquad has a nice little history lesson up about video cards this and their companies that. Go ahead and take a look at: http://www.firingsquad.com/features/window_in_time/.

Y2kk Update: Dammit! I'm never treating my family out to dinner again!... I mean, I had it all planned out like the most ingenious of Das Boot plans... I was going to play the Mr. Nice Guy and treat my parents and grand-parents to a night out to all the Chinese food that they can eat... but thanks to the fucking fact that the only decent restaurant with decent prices in the goddam cities around us closed down about half a year ago thanks to SARS, I ended up spending almost twice what I expected to pay in the goddam first place... and then I was screwed! My most beautifully minded plan did not go to plan! I was going to use my leftover money to buy my precious Stargate SG-1 season two set, but noooo... I was now officially bankrupt, all thanks to trying to play the Mr. Nice Family Guy... although... well?... Bah. I paid for the season two boxset anyhew, with my debit card instead of cash, and hugged the DVDs all the way home, and kissed them as if they were my beloved Zelda, quite literally as a matter of fact... I hate using my debit card. And I hate going into debt, considering all my university monthly allowance money had been spent on that one dinner alone... but still... even though I didn't get any thank-yous from the crowd, at least I finally got my Christmas present to the grandparents out the way, all while still indulging myself with a bit too much materialism for even my needs and greeds...

Besides that, not much happened this week at all, really... but the only thing I actually do care to recall, is the fact that I bumped myself quite literally into the humps of the girl I always talk about... Now, it seems that her new goddam boy-toy is affecting her balance of tampax judgment even more than I thought he was, considering she even changed her own goddam "riding" schedule just to be on top with him some more... on the second floor of the GO train I mean, of course (something she never did for me that I know of... not even once...). I mean, she always used to take the soonest train home after every single lecture, even though sometimes I even implored her to just wait an hour so that she could find me on the train after I chatted with my other friends. So assuming that I still knew what kind of scheduled, always-in-a-hurry bitch she was, in order to simply avoid her, I skipped out on the soonest train ride home on Monday, and took the second one instead... but what did I fucking know? Not only did she goddam take the later train, but she fucking took the handicap car too (which she never took for me, as you might recall from all my recent whinin), and I ended up ramming my ass of a face right into her bra (without all the bells and whistles of her actually having something up and front), because the last thing I ever expected was to find her on the same goddam train as me... and of course, guess who the fuck she was with?

... the thing is... I played the friendly fire dick, naturally. I said hello, but I didn't even try to sound nice to either of them while saying it. I then took out the newspaper I had stolen from school, and read that instead of talking to her... But it wasn't like she was playing nice with me either. She simply sat her ass down in some other seat, and chatted the whole time with her goddam girl friend (the two of which made me feel so bad after that Electronics exam a year ago...)... My heart was hurting every time I heard it beating, of course. The only thing that numbed the pain for me, was the blissful blunt of having a newspaper to hide behind in hand... She was ignoring me, and I was ignoring her. Both of us seemed so goddam afraid to talk to each other, and I didn't like the feeling one damn bit... But what really started getting to me, was that after that girl friend of hers left, what did the girl I always talk to seem to do?...

... nothing... absolutely nothing...

And I'm not just talking about between me and her...

... she was completely ignoring that goddam boy toy on her goddam left arm as well. Maybe that guy wasn't much of a talker, but I could see from the way he was pretending to laugh when the two girls were whooping it up earlier, that he really wanted to find something to say. He was whipped beyond belief, and I'll damned to think that he doesn't like her as much as I ever did, simplu from the mere way he was fidgeting all about without actually acting... But no matter what kind of conversation he tried to start up, she simply sort of shrugged it off, as if she didn't want to talk, not even to him. And yet we both knew that she had just talked about half an hour non-stop with that bitch friend of hers that always makes me feel like an ass... And what does this all mean? I can hope that maybe, just maybe, the guy and the girl I always talk about aren't as close as I thought they were. But judging from the guy's reactions to being left ignored, I'm betting that I was the real factor why the girl I always talk about seemed so damn distant on that train ride home... So I decided to incite a little test. I tried being friendly to her as we were getting off the train together. I made a couple jokes. I wished her luck and blah blah blah, and I even tried to start up conversations that I thought she'd actually be interested in for once. And you know what? She didn't take the bait... not even once... I got my finger (not on purpose) entangled in my bag quite painfully, and while she would've laughed like a hyena, unhygenic maniac over it when we were friends just a year ago, she didn't even smile or remotely snicker this time around. There was definitely a sense of fear, contempt, and utter discontent in her eyes every time I tried to make nice and say something polite. She definitely wasn't taking the bait... I don't think she hates me. But it's still goddam true, that she hasn't forgiven me, and she hasn't fucking learned to trust me. And why should she? I've been ignoring her for the past half year... but only because she was already acting like this pompous fraidy-cat bitch self of hers long before I ever started being a dick. But either way, our not so chance meeting on the train ride home this Monday was both enlightening and disenchanting... I enjoyed seeing that goddam guy on her left arm squirming so damn much. I probably had pissed off the girl I always talk about so damn much by just showing up, that she left him right out in the cold (because nobody knows how many damn issues she gets when it comes to being reminded of issues than I do). And in a sense, while I enjoyed reveling in the fact that she seemed awed and quite terrified of me, the truth of the matter is... if only I didn't have that newspaper to hide behind, I probably would've tried to say something meaningful to her. She never ever wanted to hear something meaningful from me - she just likes to hide herself instead... but still... if I didn't justify myself with every excuse possible as the snow outside the windows was billowing by, I definitely would've felt hurt...

But anyhew, I might as well point out that Chinese New Year is in just a few days from now. It's the year of the bloody hell monkey - I doubt that'll do anything for me, considering the year of the sheep or the lamb or the lamp or whatever bloody animal year it is, wasn't exactly the best of years for me... I failed a fucking course at university, and almost failed my goddam second year. I lost the girl that I was chasing at school... I still haven't gotten a fucking job. And now I'm starting to feel jealous and left out, now that my brother has someone else to care for... And all this - all this happened, after I fucking refused to drop a goddam chopstick or chapstick or whatever at last year's Chinese New Year. All this happened, after I was supposed to deny myself bad luck according to tradition... I knew the consequences if I did. I mean, dropping the chopsticks in a Chinese family, is like dropping the soap in a goddam prison... although I guess the immediate consequences aren't exactly the same, I'd wager a guess that the eventually ramifications sort of are...

So I seriously doubt any amount of goddam believing in good luck superstitions is going to help me through this hell year of my life. But while I'm at it, just like people on their death beds don't mind getting a priest to say their farewells... I guess it couldn't hurt to just try and wish myself an easy job this year with maybe A+ class grades this term?... okay, well, maybe some things are impossible... but at least, it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?

ATI: Well, there doesn't seem to be much news this week in the world of video cards... I did see that ABCNews has an article up about the recently announced ATI video card to be implemented in cell phones. Personally, I hate the fact that cellphones are going to try to compete against the Gameboy and stuff in the gaming department, but hopefully, my fears will be unfounded at: http://abcnews.go.com/sections/scitech/ZDM/ati_mobile_graphics_pcmag_040112.html.

Y2kk Update: Well, this update should be short... meaning what? Meaning, I basically have nothing to say... but I always do find something to complain about, now don't I? Even though technically, I should be rejoicing right now, not wallowing in the clear as mud...

I finally got my marks from first term in, and guess what? I actually passed every single course, contrary to what I've been fearing for the past fumigating weeks or so... The thing is, I did get scared for a while. I needed 43% on my Linear Systems exam to pass the course, which I calculated before I tookthe examt. And hell, I did my patented thing the day of the exam, and practically begged my professor in my little written anecdotes at the bottom of my exam pages, to please - just please have mercy on my poor little Timmy O'Toole soul this Christmas, by just please giving me 43% so I could pass the goddam course... But when the final exam marks were posted on the Linear Systems website about a week ago? What did I ironically see next to my goddam name as my goddam mark?...

... heh...

... a 42%...

... zee bastard...

This mark was given to me by the very same professor who goddam gave me 49% in the goddam electricity and magnetism course that I'm goddam retaking as we speak. So I was thinking that perhaps out of spiteful, spitfire humour, the goddam professor decided to give me the same damn mark for the second term in a row, just for shit and giggles... But like I already mentioned, I managed to pass all my courses. And truth be told, even though I should've gotten 49% in that Linear Systems course of mine thanks to my exam mark, I ended up with 54%, all thanks to the bell curve... can't complain about that, even though I technically just did... But as for my other courses?

Yeah, those are the ones I'm pissed off about right now... I mean, I know I kinda screwed up all my exams, but I really do that bad? I went into my programming exam with at least an 85% in the course. I know I completely botched up two of the major questions on the exam, but was that really enough to drop my mark to an almost dismal 75% (that's dismal, considering all my friends shot up to the 80s at least)? And my Computer Hardware course? I got perfect on my stupid little Lego Scanner project, and thanks to my second mid-term, I think I went into the final exam with about a 70%... so how the bloody hell did I drop all the way back down to 60% in that goddam course when I felt the exam was goddam easy except for one stupid question that I didn't know how to do?... and Probability? Yes, I know its exam was perhaps the hardest exam I've ever had in my life, but I was hoping that everyone else goddam thought the same. They sure as hell sounded like they struggled just the same as I did, and yet where was the bloody hell bell curve? What the fuck is the probability of my mark dropping so goddam much? If the class really did so poorly, then how the fuck is it that I dropped from an 80% in that goddam course to a bloody hell 65%?... As soon as I get back to school next week, I'll be goddam paying extra money to the goddam school to get those three bloody hell exams of mine rechecked. I mean, I know I didn't do well on any of them, but did I really do that badly?...

Besides my Linear Systems mark, the only other mark I find decent is my Digital Electronics one... Alas, I couldn't pull a Digital miracle like I did last year when I pulled out of my rabbit ass a bloody hell A on my final exam, but I know I must've done at least decently this time around, considering my mark did jump from around 60% to 65%. Which means I probably fared a 70% on the final exam, which ain't half bad, but in all honesty, I could've sworn that I did better... the exam wasn't really hard at all, save for the last two questions... But I ain't gonna be the one to complain about that course, considering all my friends managed to lose marks from that final exam instead of me.

Overall, I guess I should be satisfied at how I did first term. I didn't fail anything, and I kept my average high enough to remain eligible for bloody hell co-op positions this year, not that I expect to get any interviews with my no-name credentials or whatever kind of crap... and besides that? There's really nothing to say. Meaning what? Meaning, I've got nothing left to talk about... but if you really want me to stay and chat, I'm sure that I can always find something to complain about... that's what it means to be the no-name whiner...

ATI: Well, one of the places that I applied to for co-op was obviously ATI, although I seriously doubt they'd even consider me a candidate, considering a) I'm an idiot, and b) my cousin's uncle was just laid off after working there for God knows how many years... so I seriously doubt ATI will be looking for a lot of people, but just in case, I'd better start cracking at learning more at what the whole company is about. Sudhian just wrote a comprehensive history of the company of ATI, so I guess if I'm really that bored, I should go over and start doing homework at: http://www.sudhian.com/showdocs.cfm?aid=477.

ATI: Saw over at Rage3d that some new Linux drivers were released for ATI cards... don't know what's new, or even what version number the drivers are. So go ahead and laugh at my ATI incompetence at: http://www.ati.com/support/drivers/linux/radeon-linux.html?type=linux&prodType=graphic&prod=productsLINUXdrive.

Y2kk Update: Well, my Christmas sure was a bust... meaning what? Meaning, nothing except the annual yelling and screaming happened in the household. Nothing else was stirring, not even the goddam mouse we have in the house.... I mean, sure my mother started crying when she went to Church with us because her life is so "miserable", since we kids apparently are so evil that she believes only God can save us now... and of course, I got some weird stares from that uncle of mine who yelled at me and my siblings just a couple Christmases ago... and of course, I got my ass kicked in by kids at the family party yet again, by those small enough to still lose their teeth naturally mind you... so all in all, it's been a pretty damn eventless Christmas actually... although if I have nothing else to report next week, maybe I'll discuss what I talked about with that uncle of mine as we were taking our grandfather back to the nursing home... but since I'd rather keep that story under classified Christmas wrapping for now, it's time to revert back to the ol' backup story I've had brewing for God knows how long now...

About a few months ago, the girl I always talk about... the girl I can't stop talking about... she actually brought up and confronted me about a certain thing that has been going on between the two of us for the past... for the past? I don't know... since she scarred me so, I guess... She said the following like it was a joke, but I knew she was telling the fearful truth. I knew that she was simply playing on the safe side of the road with a mask in hand... She asked me whether I was avoiding her or not. She noted that she rarely sees me anymore, that we never seem to talk in class, and that we only basically say hello to each other when we finally do run into one another by chance... and... well?...

Duh. It took her that damn long to goddam wake up and smell the fucking middle finger?

Fucking hell, she avoided me time and time again last year. She even admitted that she fucking swore never to talk to me ever again, all because I made one stupid, fucking joke that she apparently took more goddam literally than any goddam woman I've ever met in my life... And in the summer, she fucking ignored my mails and fucking brushed me off when I was fucking admitting that I liked her! So why the fuck did it take her so goddam long to fucking notice that I was goddam avoiding her? And yet she had the nerve to actually ask like it was all some joke? What the fuck is her problem?... goddam fucking bitch...

The goddam fucking bitch being me, of course. All things considered, considering I've been pussy whipped as hell over the past year... I mean, I almost wanted to scream out to her then and there all I wrote above, but you know what? Predictably, I did my calm, serene, little jackass of a lying thing to her, and simply told the half truths that a) we never talk on the train anymore, because she keeps taking different trains than I do, b) we never talk in class because I never go to class, and c) we never really alk much anymore because we said it all last year, and there's really nothing left to be said... I was hoping the last of the three reasons would give her a fucking clue. And maybe it did? I don't know. All I know, is that I lied through my crooked, yellow teeth to her, and for some damn reason, I don't regret it one bit. Somehow, dishonesty in that moment was more honest to me than any goddam four letter word ever could've been... I've obviously been avoiding her. And the reason why is plenty, plainly obvious... Because it hurts to be around her now. She can't stand what I talk about, she has no interest in me romantically, and she fucking keeps brushing me off every single damn time I try to talk to her about something that I personally feel is important... I felt like I was her fucking wife and she was a goddam wife-beater or some crap like that... I feel so used...

After that encounter in the hallways, and after she seemingly half bought my excuse for not talking to her for the past two months that we had returned to school, eventually it seemed that she started avoiding me for all the same reasons I was avoiding her. And it essentially started grating on my nerves when she goddam started hanging around that stupid ass engineer with a car 24/7... And as I already mentioned on this website, it burned my intestines like hell to realize that the same goddam girl who refused to ever take the same trains that I took for the past two years... the same goddam girl who refused to even sit in the same goddam train cart as I did for the past goddam year... was also the same damn girl that basically just laid on her fucking back and goddam chose to follow like a slave of a little ho, that new man of hers all the way to his fucking train cart of choosing... After two goddam years of being my friend, she didn't even show the slightest inclination of wanting to talk to me outside of all those goddam times that I was the one who found her. But after just two damn weeks of knowing that fucking guy with the car?... it's like I turned her into some Seinfeld lesbian or something... without the sexy lesbianism part of it all, of course... and, well...

The thing is... for all those times that I tried to get her to just seek me out once, just goddam once, she never once took the bait... as if she never cared for me in the first place... as if I was some goddam beast of burden on her shoulders, yoking her in the goddam ass... No matter how many times I asked her to just wait for the train that I take in the morning, if only in return for all those times I took her train, looking for her, she always took her train instead... for the past two goddam years, all she's ever taken was her own, goddam train... Which is why I was so damn caught off guard at 8:25 am on the second day of exams. I mean, I knew her... or at least, I thought I knew her... and she always - and I mean always - takes the 7:43 am in the morning, just so that she can get to school an hour before the first goddam classes even start... And it was 8:25 am that day. I was expecting her to already be studying as hard as a goddam mongoose on viagra at school or some crap like that, and not actually standing around the goddam GO station still... I was definitely caught off guard at first, not just because she was taking a late train for once, but because she was also goddam standing by the goddam train cart that I always fucking take! I mean, since when did she fucking take the handicap car that I always take? For two goddam years, she's never ever taken that cart, not even when I got on my goddam knees and begged her with a wedding ring to just goddam look for me there... And yet here she was, taking a late train and waiting by the cart that she knows I always take? What are the fucking odds of that happening?

And just when I was starting to feel bad about ignoring her... just when I was starting to doubt whether she's never sought me out on the trains before... just when I was about to step into her light, into her point of view, and actually humbly say hello?... that's when... well...the obvious happened...

Guess who the fuck she was with?

Fucking goddammit, they were practically holding hands, and yet I didn't even see that goddam car guy there at first... guess I was seeing what I wanted to be seeing, now wasn't I?... The fact of the matter is, she only decided to take the late 8:30 am train, because he goddam wanted to take the 8:30 train. I know her, and I know guys, and I know that she would never willingly take anything later than 7:43 without someone with a big cock nudging at her shoulder... But the only question remained, why was she standing around the handicap car? Why the hell was she taking away from me my goddam train cart of a sanctuary and solitude?... the thing was, hope was still flirting and flaring in my nostrils that day. I was praying to the heavens that maybe, just maybe, she had chosen to stand there, dragging her man by a noose along with her, just so that she might by chance, just by chance, find me, just to talk with me... but the other side of the flip coin of me just figured, that like most lazy-ass guys like me, that stupid ass car guy just likes the handicap car, because it's the fucking handicap car, and got her to come along with him, simply because his fucking cock is bigger and brighter and whiter than mine... but alas, I guess I'll never know, now will I? Because as my heart sank a thousand bottomless drownings upon seeing those two inseparable fuckers together, I just simply shut my eyes in disgrace and walked off into the bloody hell Canadian sunrise, humiliating myself to the point where I sat in the train two carts down from the goddam handicap car that I've always sat in for the past goddam years... I mean, it's kind of ironic, isn't it? The one and only goddam time that the girl I always talk about, finally chooses to ride in the handicap car... is the same, insane goddam day that it possibly hurt me the most to see her do it... Because all things considered, with all good things coming to an end, the fact of the matter is... chances are... she wasn't there because of me...

But I guess we'll never know, now will we? And that's the thing I had to make sure of... that she never finds out that I purposely avoided her on the train that day, otherwise she'd knit my balls into a goddam pretzel for all I know... So I devised a Grinch of a wrench of a plan: simply wait until the entire train empties out when we arrive at Union Station, so that hopefully, she and her new boytoy would be long gone before I ever set foot out of those pairs of train doors... and I thought my plan was genius, no? Unfortunately, I guess my evil schemes work just as well as my goddam marks in goddam university are going... because as soon as I got out of that train, last in my cart? Who the hell did I see just two people in front of me?... goddammit... it was such a goddam sham of a shame... I kept my head as low as humanly, fucking possible, just in case they turned around and realized who was goddam behind them... and when I purposely stopped in Union Station, waited a few minutes to let them pass, who did I see around the goddam, exact section of the Subway Station that I normally enter through when I finally got moving again?... the fucking bitch apparently was having trouble finding her goddam subway tokens, and apparently, for the past five minutes of so, she had been standing in that very exact, goddam door that I always use to get to the damn subway station... So obviously, I side stepped the bloody hell both of them, all the way to the door on the opposite side of the station, and realizing that I was out of subway tokens myself, I parked myself in front of the token dispenser that I always use... only to suddenly feel a chill run through my bones, up and down my goddam spine... and realizing also that fate was fucking me in the ass that day for fun, I ran my ass all the way to a goddam corner like a goddam rat to a hole, and what do you know? Just two seconds after I had gotten to my goddam Saddam Hussein hiding place, that goddam bitch that I always talk about waltzed right up to the very damn token dispenser that I was going to use, with her goddam fucking car guy in tow, smiling and beaming to him as all I could do was bite my lip, jerk off to my parts, and watch... I waited around in the shadows for seemingly goddam forever as she goddam took her sweet time buying her tokens, and I didn't move an inch after she finally left, if only because I was fearful we'd wind up in the same goddam subway cart too, knowing the odds... I didn't care when I got to school. All I cared about, was that I wouldn't see her.

And goddammit, though that was the end of it - I didn't see her for the rest of the goddam day - the thing is... it's just so goddam ironic, now isn't it? Two months ago, I would've thought fate was on my side, that her and I were meant for each other, if only she somehow took the same damn train as I did, if only by a fluke... if only we sat in the same damn cart with one another, no matter what our pasts... if only we magically ended up meeting at the same damn subway entrance, no matter how hard I tried to avoid her... if only we somehow met at the same damn token dispenser, if only because fate would have it that we both ran out of tokens at the same time... and if only all of the above had happened in the same damn day, no matter how damn hard I tried to cheat fate and cheat my way to back to brooding block of wood solitude?... then, well... maybe I wouldn't be avoiding her today afterall, if only because I would know resistance from the Queen Bitch herself is futile... But none of this happened two months ago. This happened two weeks ago. And the difference in variables?... it's not just him... it's her... ever since she started talking to him, she's avoided me more than I've avoided her... it's getting to be fucking unfair, and fucking painful...

And duh. It took me that damn, goddam long to finally fucking notice?...

... I never really spoke to her during exams, even though we were often in the same rooms... hell, I haven't really spoken to her, since she confronted me about avoiding her in the first place... maybe that was out last vestige our something... our last Vimy Ridge of a Dieppe... maybe that was her last attempt to mend the goddam fences of feces that she's been shitting on me for the past goddam year... And to be honest, I think she did see me as we were going down those Union Station stairs. I think she did notice me then and there, and noticed that even though I saw her, I was saying nothing... maybe she did realize that I had avoided her in the handicap car, that I was avoiding her at Union Station?... and hell, maybe she even saw me by the token dispenser, as she arrived far too conveniently close for comfort if you ask me... with her man staring at her ass, far too closer for comfort if you ask me...

Obviously, I still have a lot of issues to work out over her... I was able to shrug off all the family screaming and bemoaning these holidays as simply the joy of being together for Christmas. I mean, ripping out each other's hair and lungs - that's what family's for, aren't it?... but her? About her?... the girl I always talk about... the girl I always bitch about... I just can't seem to ever get over her... I just can't seem to ever smile when I think of her... and I know most of that is my fault, regardless of whatever shit I write about her on these websites of mine, but... I don't know... if everything had happened that exam day morning as it did, without her new best friend in tow, I would probably have hailed it as an early Christmas miracle. And hell, I'd probably be the happiest man on earth right now...

But because that wasn't the case? Because it was a miracle... for another man... just not for me... and because of that?... well...

I feel like someone just yelled in my face, "Duh!!! It took you that damn long to goddam wake up and smell the fucking middle finger?"... or his fresh rooster of a cock actually, but I guess, that's besides the point... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?

So much so, that I might as well do the obvious, and simply wish my two readers out there the same damn thing that I always wish, regardless of the season of the year... a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone...

... though at this rate... Jesus Christ, I'll soon be the one weeping like baby in Church, not my mother...

... I sure do love Christmas... merry Christmas indeed...

ATI: DriverHeaven has a comparison up between the Radeon 9800XT and the GeForceFX 5950. Don't know what they say, and quite frankly, I don't care... The Maple Leafs just lost their point streak today, one game shy of the NHL record. I'm grieving now... it's a process... but if you don't care about the only decent team in sports today, then go ahead and figure out what was said at: http://www.driverheaven.net/reviews/xt59/ .