Y2kk Update: Wow... more than an entire fucking month has passed since my last download update...

... life just feels so... meaningless... right now, that's all...

Yeah, yeah, the real question is, when has it ever felt like it had meaning to me? As far as I have ever been concerned, the meaning of life is to find meaning in life, or some goddam bullshit like that...

... been saying that since I was five, mind you...

... goddam fairytales...

But really, I know it's more of the winter blues than anything else, but honestly? I wake up hating life every fucking morning, simply because I fucking have to wake up in the morning. I go to work, to a job that I honestly don't feel any real sense of accomplishment or self actualization at all, not that I have ever honestly believed you can really get either of those two at a fucking job, that is. And then what? I get to work at nine in the morning, slave there doing goddam javascript bullshit for the next nine or ten hours, then finally get home around 8 pm to watch sports and play some goddam video games at night...

That's all life is. That's literally what all my thoughts consist of these days, work and goddam video games. Of course, the real question is, when have I ever dreamed of anything else? But sadly, it's really just starting to get to me, just how often my dreams themselves involve solving problems at work or finishing my crap in goddam video games. Is that really all my life has to offer?...

Bleh, it's not like I'm going through yet another mid-life crisis, as I've been spewing the exact same tired bullshit out since I started this goddam download site of mine back in Grade 11. It's just that, winter here in Canada sucks, as you really can't do anything but fucking work your ass off to forget about the goddam bitter cold. It's been a god awful month for weather, and I just want to get it over and done with, that's all...

The only real glimmer of hope I get comes from my goddam video games and goddam television. The Toronto Raptors have been on a tear as of late, giving me all sorts of hope for the playoffs, but to be honest? I often feel I root too much for the underdog, as sometimes I reminiscence more of last year, when I was actually cheering on the loser scrubs on the Raptors more than I am the successful team of this year. Go figure...

All I talk about at work in the morning around the ever proverbial water cooler are TV shows. All I have to offer are stories about 24, Heroes, and tales of walking to work, uphill and downhill, both ways in the snow. Back when I was working at the government, I literally wasted hours of my day just whining and griping about the Toronto Maple Leafs and Raptors, and I had a damn good time doing it. Yet here, at my current job, I just get no real satisfaction from slacking off. Why is that? Well, besides the fact I never had to walk outside even once in going to and fro from my last job, which was a bonus that I sure as hell miss this year during this goddam winter...

... sigh... I always become the ever maniac, depressive fool whenever winter rolls around, and the ever goddam horny son of a bitch once spring finally returns...

... I think my download site over the past few years has proven that pattern without a shadow of a doubt more than anything else...

Because truth be told, short story short? I am simply sick and tired of being goddam sick and tired all the fucking time, that's all...

And I'm just biding my time now, that's all. Work feels meaningless, but so does life. Nothing stands out, nothing is worth remembering...

... and nothing is worth noting on this goddam website of mine...

Once again, I just have no motivation to write, sans the guilty feeling I get whenever I go a month without updating this website just even once...

I used to have a passion for writing. Didn't I have a passion for writing?

... well, not really, but still?... even so, what happened to that?...

Fuck, I used to try to find meaning in life...

... guess I found out the real meaning then...

I didn't even remember the goddam anniversary of this goddam website...

... whatever...

Y2kk Update: Goddam, am I ever goddam horny...

... but when the fuck haven't I been, as the goddam 24-year old virgin here?...

Well, I suppose it is a bit strange that I'm practically begging for a woman in the middle of December. Normally my goddam hormones don't kick in until spring, not like it ever does me any goddam good in the end, but that's a story for another day...

But short story short, I did have a little encounter with a little girl in my local TD bank the other day. The girl wasn't exactly that little though, looking like either a freshman in college or a senior in high school at worst. But obviously, she was way too young for my own liking, considering I am the fucking 24-year old virgin afterall...

... even I ain't that creepy to date a young bitch like that...

The thing is though, I myself have got that goddam butterface Chinese sort of look. Or the "baby-cute" face, as the "Sexy Hair" bitch from my elementary school once described me as... goddam, fucking bitch...

And as the Chinese asshole that I am? I really do look like I'm still a goddam high school student or somebody young like that...

But even so, it's just that?...

... I don't remember the last fucking time that a girl, any girl, actually took interest in me from first glance, that's all...

I noticed the signals immediately as she walked through the door. She gave me a sort of sly, shy gaze with her eyes before shunning and parting away. Now, it's nothing special for a girl to take a look at me for a second, even if I am one ugly motherfucking asshole. The thing is though, unlike about 99% of the women on the face of the planet, she didn't turn right away from me in goddam disgust once she saw my face. Instead, she sort of gave me a slight second look and a glimmer of a smile, and immediately I recognized it as "the signal"...

What signal? Well, pretty much the one that I've never actually gotten right off the bat. Now sure, I've gotten that look of "come hither" before with the "ILuvYou" girl and my cute co-worker at my current workplace. But both of these signals took months if not years to develop over time, as those two bitches must've started conning themselves into believing I'm actually a good guy with a good personality, overcoming my deficiencies as an ugly motherfucking man, that is...

But this here in that TD bank that day? This was probably the first time in my entire goddam life where a girl actually <GASP!> seemed to find me goddam, fucking attractive. WTF? No, seriously, WTF?...

How often does this shit ever happen to me? Pretty much never. Which is why I decided to have a little fun with her, even though I knew it would lead nowhere in the end...

I had a newspaper in hand, so pretending like I didn't notice her in line, I pretended to not know where I was going with the paper in front of my face, and sort of side-stepped closer to her, even "accidentally" leaning into her a tiny bit. And the shocking thing to me was, she didn't step back or anything. Instead, she even hovered a bit closer to me and she never really budged. She sort of just lingered there, sharing my personal little bubble of space, close enough that I could literally sniff her scent and she could smell mine...

Well, as the self-conscious asshole that I am, I was sure she'd start running for the hills then and there. Afterall, I'm a motherfucking mouth-breather who loves to drink goddam milk and never chews gum, so obviously my breath goddam stinks. I also shower at night instead of the mornings, which obviously makes me smell like shit early on as the Sun is rising like it was that good morn...

The thing is though, even after what seemed to be about a good ten or twenty seconds of literally touching each other then and there, she didn't move. She didn't run. Instead, I could almost feel her coming closer to me, like she was begging me to say something. That's when I took my first whiff of her fair skin, and here and now to this very day, I still can't get over her goddam scent...

... afterall, we are a "scentient" species...

Get it?... oh, nevermind...

Now, sure she wasn't exactly a looker. She was thin and slender, true, and had a cute baby-face for a white girl, I guess. She was a bit freckled though, and a bit on the final outskirts of puberty, so not everything seemed to be in proper proportions. She had no real breasts, no real curves, and no real ass from what I could discern. But her golden brown hair was lovely, her eyes told the story of her beauty, and I still can't fucking get over how damn sweet like sugar she goddam smelled to me...

... like butter...

... or a buttercup...

... the "Buttercup" girl...

Around this time, an old lady was trying to get through the front entrance doors. That's when the Buttercup girl finally left my side, to hold the first door to the entrance open for the old lady to pass through. And since I am ever the gentleman afterall, I left the confines of the line as well, and actually held the second door open for the granny as she walked through. Of course, I got the satisfaction that I did something right for a change this holiday season. And I also still can't forget the look in that girl's eyes when she saw that I had just done a good "selfless" deed, as if even without saying a word, I had completely won her over with my 'charming' personality...

WTF?...

... no, seriously...

WTF?...

Her eyes seemed like they were swooning. She was completely into me. Seriously, WTF?...

So yeah, when we got back in line, I said hello and we talked a tiny bit. Not much, nothing more than just mere pleasantries really, enough to know that obviously she was too young and too naive for me in the end. But still, there was just something about her sweet, soft, succulent voice with that sleek little pink blouse that she had on, that still both wows and haunts me to this very day. Even after I had opened my fucking ugly ass mouth and gritted my out-of-sequence teeth to speak a single word, she still seemed goddam infatuated with me to the very end. I could feel it, as somehow, we just had that sort of instant chemistry I've never experienced before. Or for all I know, I had found myself my first goddam stalker...

... sigh... that would've been a dream match in heaven for me, now wouldn't it have been?...

... it would've been a goddam Festivus miracle, or so I thought...

Goddammit, why couldn't she have been older, or have been goddam Chinese? My parents would kick her ass for not being the latter. And the last thing I would ever want is for my first girlfriend to be something like five or six years younger than I am, unlike a certain somebody else I knew in goddam high school (but that's a story for another day)...

Short story short, nothing ever really happened with that buttercup of a girl in the end, sad to say. But really, I have no clue why she was so damn much into me, whether she had some sort of fucking Asian Festivis fetish for my culture or something, if she just thought I was around her age or some crap like that (or liked the idea of having an older man...), or if for some goddam reason, I somehow smelled as good to her as she fucking did to me...

... intoxicating, really...

And yes, indeed I know I made a lasting impression on her, whether it was by holding the door for the old lady or by simply cracking a few innocent jokes when we did stop to talk, because as I was leaving the bank? Just like when she had first walked through that door and given me that rare "come hither" signal that few women ever have, as I was leaving the bank and as I had slightly turned my head over to where she was now being served?...

... that's when she gave a small, slight smile back and a look of goddam longing, the kind of which that screamed out, "call me... please, call me and fuck me..."...

... yeah...

Now, was she a desperate stalker? If so, since that's my goddam fetish, I so wish I could fucking call her right here and now...

... but sigh, was I man enough to ask for her number?... no... because it just wouldn't have worked out...

Still, to be honest? It was still a momentous occasion for me, even if it would seem like just a regular day in the goddam bank to anyone who actually does get lucky with the goddam, fucking women...

Afterall, this was honestly the first time in my entire life where I flirted with a girl and she flirted back, and where she somehow actually was still goddam into me by the final time it was all said and done with...

WTF?...

... no, seriously, what the hell is the world coming to?...

WTF?...

Now sure, other guys get lucky with one night stands.

... sadly put, this was as close as I've ever goddam gotten...

... as she and I were standing side by side, sharing each other's company, scenting each other's skin, and warming each other's hearts...

Sound sappy, over the top, and just a tad bit stalkerish? Ya think? Well, obviously...

Was it moronic of me not to even ask for her number? Maybe...

... but yeah, that's who I am...

... both a coward...

... and a playa...

... and definitely the goddam, noname virgin...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... well, if I ever meet her again and go to straight to banking on her ass?...

... then maybe for once, for just fucking once?...

... maybe it will be...