Y2kk Update: I had been waiting for this wedding for such a long time...

... anticipating it more than even my own sister did, I think...

I wanted her wedding to be special, to be magical... that sort of crap, you know?...

... and for her, I think it was, I definitely think it was...

She had the look of bliss on her face for the entire weekend. I mean, lady luck was definitely on her side. Not only was she glowing in her wedding dress, not only did her bridesmaids honestly look amazing in the gowns that my sister picked for them, but even the gods of weather were on my sister's side. My parents have literally been praying to the heavens for the past year now, that my sister did not make a mistake in choosing a winter setting of a wedding. But as it turned out, the two days of her wedding were probably the most perfect two evenings in all of the Canadian winter this year. There was just a brisk cold, nothing you can't stand outside. And the snowflakes so gently falling onto her dress as she and her new husband were leaving the wedding ceremony, was one of the most beautiful sights that I've ever gotten to behold in my life. My sister dreamt of having a winter wonderland of a wedding, and how could I not be happy for her when she just looked so surreal?...

I thank my new brother-in-law for going through all the trials and tribulations to make that day as happy as it was for my sister. It really means a lot to me and my family that my sister had such a perfect weekend...

The first day, it all started off in my own house with the groom picking up the bride. Being part of Chinese tradition, the bridesmaids all put the husband to be and his groomsmen to the test, and we certainly did get a lot of embarrassing videos shot with the digital cameras of this day and age. Meanwhile, I was sitting behind the scenes with my sister, the last time I'd be with her before she officially got married into another family. As my soon to be brother in law was doing dance moves while offering Chinese red bags of gifts and money to get to his bride, my sister admitted to me that she felt like she was going to hurl. She seemed so nervous, yet so serene at the same time. I was afraid that perhaps she might develop cold feet at the last second, or that perhaps her fiance would, but that never turned out to be the case. The butterflies they had was the good kind of nervousness, and it helped make the entire night so special for both of them in the end...

I won't get much into the details. There's no need to record them for myself, especially since they're already saved on video. The first night was the Western wedding and reception, and it was definitely the day that my sister put the most effort into. Aside from a small botch up with the wedding march song she chose, I don't think the night could have gone any smoother. My sister just looked so happy and so at peace when she finally got to say, "I do"...

And how the fuck can't I give my brother in law props for the speech he made to my sister at the end? While my sibling was spouting a whole bunch of "mushy" sayings like how she can see her future of grandchildren in his eyes, he put on his inner FOB and actually tried to karaoke sing Disney's "A Whole New World" for her in front of the entire audience. The entire Western reception was an entertaining night, not just from the bride and groom, but also from the poise and effort from everyone else involved. I mean, I just knew that this wedding would be a night to remember when my brother-in-law's friends even sang Flight of the Conchord's "Sello Tape" for them, A-Cappella style. What more of a sacrifice can you ask than that?...

But of course I felt awkward at times. I don't drink, and obviously I felt horrible whenever my new brother-in-law would ask to share a shot with me. The thing is, I did have champagne for the first time in my life, and didn't like the taste of it one bit. I would've definitely had a glass of wine too if that was ever going to be part of a toast, but I'm just not the type of guy who finds sucking down shots to be interesting and amusing. I wanted to take them with my new brother-in-law simply out of celebration and partially out of peer pressure, but I was also the designated driver for my brother that night, so I cowardly waved my keys and turned his offers down...

He was probably too drunk by the night's end to even remember me stifling him, but it was also a sound decision to stay clear of most of the alcohol of the night too, I think. My brother was able to have so much fun as a result, as I don't think I've ever seen him that drunk outside of his birthday. And while the snowflakes outside were absolutely beautiful as they fluttered around my sister like butterflies, they were absolute shit to drive through as they stuck on my windshield and no amount of washer fluid would clean them off. If I wasn't pissed off and fully alert, an accident could've easily happened on the goddam roadways. Then again, if I do have one true regret, it's that I really did want to at least try some of the lychee cocktails they had served there, and it probably would've been safe if I had. I didn't have the guts to go past the champagne though, as I just didn't know my own tolerance limit. I just hope I didn't ruin anything for my sister and brother-in-law as a result, for not trying to have the time of my life, and also for wasting their open bar policy to boot...

And as usual, of course I felt a bit scared when it came to the dance floor. Yes, I did manage to put in a few minute moments of dancing, but only with my mom after she turned out to be drunk enough off of wine to join my sister. Besides that, I spent the entire night just watching and gazing as every person I saw on that dance floor already had a date. Actually, I spent the majority of my time playing with all the small kids who did arrive with relatives that first night, as they wrapped me around with drapery and pretty much kicked the crap out of my ass. I don't know what it is with children and how they never find me to be an adult of a man. My brother says they test me and I always fail miserably, and once they smell weakness whether I sport a wine glass in my hand or not, they rally and target me for the rest of the night. On the one hand, it's good to be the centre of attention at times, even if it is from toddlers with martial arts. On the other hand, seeing all those rugrats around me and realizing that I don't know when I'll ever have one of my own, is definitely one of those key pivotal moments in your life that going to a wedding makes you most miserable for...

Because yes, I too am vulnerable to the kind of emotional, sappy shit you get from weddings. I was not the type to tear up and cry when my sister and brother-in-law shared vows at the ceremony, but I will admit that I was emotionally exhausted when all was said and done at the end of the first night. It wasn't just from being tired from spending my time as a useless usher or any shit like that, but rather from watching all the couples on the dance floor and wondering when the fuck it will be my own time...

This all carried over to the second night, the Chinese reception where most of the second cousins and other most distant relatives were invited to. My grandparents were there, and seemed so happy when my sister and brother-in-law did the whole traditional tea ceremony thing. Hell, my mother after balling her eyes out the night before, starting crying even harder from a little sip of symbolic herbs. The rest of the night went on perhaps a bit too long for my sister and brother-in-law, considering they were completely beat and mostly hung-over from the night before. They hung in there however, to give their relatives the most professional act they could muster. And while my sister was a bit of a mute in the process, I do thank them for showing such respect...

Meanwhile, I was still depressed as always for the reasons I outlined above. I was happy for my sister, I really was. But just like the old adage of a cliche, it hurts to see two people so happy when you can't find that same love to share with someone else. There were definitely women at the wedding that I thought were interesting to watch, especially on the dance floor with the kind of slits in their dresses that they had to steal the show. But like I said, most of them were already dates of others, and it intimidates me to ever see a woman on the dance floor in the first place. I will admit that at times, I do have the urge to dance. But I don't think I'll ever want to be the type of guy to just join in with a girl I've never met before, or barely ever knew. To me, a dance is something that's private to be enjoyed and remembered with someone you are close to. I just don't know when or if I'll ever meet the person that I will goddam invite to dance...

The only girl at the wedding that I really did try to talk to I guess, outside of family I suppose, was this shy girl from across the room. I didn't know who she was when I first spotted her, or why she was there considering she was sitting at the table that I originally was meant to be at on the second night. I had asked my sister to move me since that first table was not only overflowing with people, but far too busy and bustling with the friends and significant others of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. I'm not good with new people, and while I knew I would introduce myself reasonably well to them all, I had no confidence in actually sustaining an entire night's worth of conversation with them. I asked to be moved, and my sister grudgingly agreed, pointing out in the process however that she hopes that I talk and meet with the people at that table anyways...

Well, I did, but in all honesty, I did so only after I saw this girl sitting there aimlessly across the room. She looked so bored and so tired, and for sure she wasn't there anywhere on the first wedding night. She even looked a bit geeky to me, obviously so in an old fashioned dress and huge Chinese-rimmed glasses. I don't know why nerdy girls who seem so damn lonely and anti-social seem to be my sort of thing, but that was immediately the impression I got from the opposite side of the room and I liked it. She somehow caught my eye, and I felt the urge the walk over and actually introduce myself. Was it the right move in the end? I don't know, really. She didn't seem to want to talk to me at all...

Turns out, she was the younger sister of the girl that my brother-in-law's brother is marrying. I never would've guessed that, and to be honest, that both explains and creates more questions as to why she was there. Talking with her even ever so briefly, it was obvious that she was bored out of her mind. She found the entire night pointless, and was curt with me around 10 pm, claiming she had to get out of there as soon as possible to work the next morning. She didn't even wait for her sister to leave, and really, her sister was the only person she talked to all night long outside of generic introductions with others. It seemed to me that this girl was literally dragged by her older sister to this wedding party to be forced to mingle in a social environment, that's definitely the impression I got. She certainly didn't seem to want to talk to me at least, but even so, she left a bit of a lasting feeling as well...

The real question I have though, is when I was speaking with her, when I was staring at her face, who did I really have in mind?...

I'll admit, that thanks to taking a two week vacation, I have had a lot of time to think and try to get over the girl at work in my own mind. But I'll also concede, that she was the only real woman I was thinking of when it came to the first and second nights, especially after all those months of dreaming that I would invite her to be by my side. The thing is, I had e-mailed the girl at work about my sister's wedding long before, not to invite her (I would no longer do such a thing after all that's happened between us) but rather just hoping she would lend a wedding wish. You know, just to congratulate my sister on getting married, as small little gestures like that mean the world to me in terms of family. But she never ever e-mailed back, and I never heard from her for the entire goddam month before the wedding. She never even bothered to keep in contact, not a single damn word from her side. Of course I was hurt, and of course I was offended. How hard is it to take just ten minutes of your time to write me back and wish my sister a successful wedding and marriage? WTF?...

This girl at the wedding, I don't know why she reminded me of the girl at work, besides the whole shy and anti-social behaviour of course. But the whole aura of the experience, of seeing her across the room and then getting stifled afterwards, definitely reminded me too much of my own past with the girl formerly at work for my own good. I don't know whether I was really actually into this woman I met at the party, or whether I was just hoping she was someone else. All I do know, is that even after a two week vacation, there's still a lot in my mind that I need to settle and resolve about the girl I fell for at work. I want to get over her, I really do, but wedding bells and dresses just ain't gonna help in that department...

I realize I'm being selfish thinking about all this shit, when my sister was having the time of her life. I'm so happy for her, that her wedding night was even more perfect that she ever could have dreamed. The smile on her face was simply uncanny and unreal, it was like she was literally living that winter wonderland that she had always envisioned. She even got to dress up like a snow princess for a night, and I completely have to thank my new brother-in-law for caring so much for her to make this all possible. I wish I was even more happy for her, I really do. But being alone at a wedding, I think we all know leaves a few marks and scars along the way...

All I wanted from the girl at work was a wedding wish, that was all. But even five minutes of her time was simply too much. I felt like she had cut all communication with me, and maybe she has. Whether she had just forgotten about me or actively ignored me, I may never know. I just know how hurt I was, not that she would refuse to write me back, but rather that she couldn't even see past her and us enough to even wish my sister congratulations. Was that really too much to ask?...

She can ignore me all she wants, but when it comes to my family, I do take things personally...

... and yet still, no matter how hurt and angry I was at her, she was still the only girl on my mind at the wedding...

Doesn't matter though. I know I need to move past her, I know what needs to be done...

... and for now, there's nothing else I can do but just smile for my sister and try to be happy for her still...

I was waiting so long for this wedding for my sister, anticipating it even more than she was, perhaps...

... I know things went perfectly for her, I know just how happy it all made her...

But as selfish as this all sounds? I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do... I do...

... I just wish it all made me happy too...

Y2kk Update: There's a certain point, a breaking point, a boiling point, where a man just can't help but feel helpless...

Weddings so often bring out the best and worst in a person's feelings. And lo and behold, it's my sister's wedding tomorrow. Who would've thunk?...

To be honest, I'm both surprised that she finally is getting hitched, and disappointed at the same time that it's taken her this long. She's been living with her fiance for the better part of four years by now, and the thing is, while I know that fact alone does not guarantee a long lasting lifetime together (some people break up even after ten years of being together), I really did expect the two of them to commit to their vows a lot sooner than they have. Still, I am really happy for my sister, and I'm happy for both sides of the family as well. I'll go more into this after the wedding is done full and through though. Right now, I just have to concentrate on the fact that I want the following weekend to be the best in my sister's entire life...

The thing is though, as expected, I can't help but feel selfishly horrendous and miserable. It's at weddings where a person truly realizes more often than not, that he or she is still alone and waiting for that special someone that just feels right. The thing is, in my own personal opinion though, I almost feel like I did find the woman that is as right for me as I may ever goddam find. I'm sure almost every computer nerd out there would probably feel the same way about the girl I knew at work as I do, considering she was simply the cutest sort of geek that every man like me can ever hope to dream of. I don't know whether it was all in my head or not to this very day, but I really did feel I connected with her at certain times, at least until all the fighting and grating and arguing started between the both of us. I know that she liked me, I could tell as all the signs were all there, but she just didn't have it in her to let me take her hand out on a goddam date. And I have to live with that...

It's hard living with the fact that I may very well have found the girl of my dreams, only to blow my opportunity away in goddam frags of shrapnel. Just a week ago, I was heading to the kitchen in the office to get myself my usual cup of hot chocolate, when I noticed that two of the closest friends that the girl at work had in the office were just standing there by the coffee maker, whispering to one another about some sort of crap. I didn't think anything of it at the time, considering I had no clue what they were discussing. But as soon as I arrived fully in their sights and sounds on the scene, the both of them suddenly just completely hushed themselves and gave me this sort of ominous look in unison, as if they were talking about me behind my back or some shit like that. The thing is, I knew that the only thing that these two men had in common was having the girl at work as a friend or contact, and when they both shushed themselves as soon as they spotted me, I just got the worst sort of feeling like they were talking behind my back, about her that is...

Or for all I knew, the two of them were maybe meeting the girl formerly at work at a dinner soon or something, and I was simply not invited. I will never know I guess, considering as soon as I arrived on the scene, the both of them dispersed and didn't say a single goddam word. I don't know if the girl at work had told them what had transpired between her and I, and I don't know whether the three of them were all going to meet and she told them specifically not to tell me about it. But I do know how much it still hurts to be ignored and left out in the goddam cold like I was so many times when the girl I fell for was still in the office. All I really wanted was to be with her, to take her hand and to talk about all the things we used to find so much damn fun to discuss together...

I know she liked me, she gave me all the right looks and all the right smiles and she invited me out in a shy sort of manner, as if she at least had a crush. I will never understand how she could've had an attraction for me, but I could tell that she did, and I had already fallen madly in love with her by that point in time, so of course I got a bit nervous and overzealous. I think "clingy" is probably the best term, perhaps scaring her off in the process. But the thing is, I don't know whether I drove her away or if she simply retreated back herself. She admitted to me that she still has her crushes on men from time to time, but she just does not date. She does not want to have feelings for a man that she does not deem to be the right one for her in the end. While I can't help but shake my head at that, especially considering she could very well be the right woman for me, I also have to respect her decision...

I know how naive I must sound, and I know how naive I really must be, to think I've found the girl that I'm meant to be with this early on in my life, with a woman who won't even return my goddam calls. Because really, how the hell can she be right for me, when she doesn't even want to talk to me? Even when I thought we were close, I still felt like she didn't make a true effort to speak and be with me when it was all said and done. I mean, all because she smiles and laughs and flirts with her eyes at me, doesn't mean that her and I are ever meant to be together. Doesn't it show something, that she and I couldn't even begin to work out our differences when all the fights and bickering started? Doesn't it prove something, that she has so little goddam concern and forgiveness in her heart for me, that she won't even say hello any longer? And I know this, yes I know it all, but it just doesn't change the way I still goddam feel about her. It doesn't change the feeling and fear deep down in my gut, that she definitely had potential, and that I just lost perhaps the greatest opportunity of my goddam lifetime...

There's only really two ways to get over an obsession like the one I have with the girl at work. The first way is to obviously find a rebound girl, to fall for another with a physical attraction that completely makes me forget about the woman that just passed me by, at least for a little while. But considering the girl at work was the only real woman I've ever fallen for since my days back in goddam high school, I don't know if this method of madness, to find someone else to attach myself like a goddam barnacle to, will work for me in the goddam end. At least, not for years...

The other way to finally move on with my life is to simply cut off all communication, something that I tried to do several times during the past six months after she laughed in my face, but I never had the guts and courage to see all the way through. But it seems, she has a lot more valour or just a lot more fortitude than I ever will, considering she really has cut all communication with me. It all started back in August when a simple lunch date went completely awry, and since that point on, it's been nothing but the cold shoulder from her. Now that she's gone from the office, I haven't heard from her in weeks, and of course I'm starting to get worried. Not just because she's been completely invisible and I don't know what has happened to her, but because I know deep down in the pits of my gut, that she's doing this not just because she's "busy", but because this is the way she wants it to be between her and I...

It's a horrible feeling for a man, especially around the time of a goddam wedding, to know that the girl that could very well be the right woman, was lost because of my sheer goddam incompetence. But then again, at the same time I also have to realize, that I can't keep blaming myself for all the woes and problems that the two of us shared. The fact of the matter remains, yes I could have been a lot more smooth and patient in my dealings with her when the two of us had at least the smallest of things. I was rash and hot-tempered, and I got so jealous over her so many times. Hell, the delivery of how I felt for her was so completely forced, as I told her that I liked her after the day of two "schizophrenic" e-mails of apologies, in her own words no less. Everything was wrong, from my confidence to the timing of the whole goddam announcement, and I also can't help but blame myself for how I so immaturely acted towards her after it was all said and done...

Then again, can I really be blamed? She laughed in my face, and yet never apologized. The thing is, I also have to realize that while my delivery was all off, while I had no real confidence in the bowels of my gut, there also remains the fact that she simply did not want to date me. She had a crush on me, granted, but there have been so many women out there as well that I've had a crush on that I simply knew would not be right for me, and so I wouldn't have bothered to ever take their hand. The fact of the matter is, while I obviously felt that the girl at work was the first woman in years that I could see staying with as a couple for a very long time, she simply did not feel the same way about me. And she told me that, indirectly at least, in a pseudo-friend's speech when she returned back from vacation. She had three private weeks to think things through, and her conclusion was that she simply had no real interest in returning the hand that I extend. Can I really be blamed then? The fact of the matter is, as much as I wanted to be with her, she did not want to be with me, and I need to respect that. The choice was hers, and the ball is in her court now...

I can't keep second guessing myself, I just can't. It kills me inside every time I wonder to myself if things could have been different, if only I had gone with her downtown to dinner the first time she asked, if only I hadn't acted like a total ass the one time I did go out with her and her friend to a movie, and if only I could've been more of a goddam gentleman when I told her how I felt. But at least for these, I know that no matter what I did, no matter what I would try, she's still the type of woman that would refuse to date me, simply out of fear and simply out of principle. I keep reliving the past over and over again, when I know that there really wasn't much more I could have done to sway her heart or change the goddam outcome. As much of an idealist as I am, I am still a realist at heart. No matter what else I could have tried in the past, it would not have changed the present I find myself in. She made a choice, she made a choice to be alone, and we both have to live with it...

The big issue I now find myself with is, where do I go from here? If weddings really do anything to a psyche, it's that it makes the mind all the more vulnerable and palpable to suggestion, that perhaps things can work out in the future if only you put your heart and soul into it. The thing is, lately I've been lying awake in my bed at night, staring at the ceiling like a goddam ghost, just wondering to myself what the fuck I can possibly do to win over the girl at work from here on in. I keep dreaming to myself, what if I ask her out to dinner, would she respond? What if I surprise her with a birthday invite and present, would that change her mind? What if I went to a movie with her and her friends, to show her how I've changed, would then finally she take my hand? I keep dreaming of all these goddam scenarios, when really, I had my chance a long time ago and I lost her, I goddam lost her...

I know I never really had her, and I know I definitely don't have a chance with her now. I've tried to keep contact with her for the past month, sending e-mails and instant messages whenever she was online. The last time I did talk to her though, was when she merely replied she was too busy to speak with me, and then vanished offline before I could barely respond. And since then, I haven't been able to speak with her, not even once. It's been weeks now, and while I do know that she's been tired and busy, the fact that she has made absolutely zero time to even respond to any of my e-mails, is proof enough to me that she's trying to send a message. She's trying to break all communication, and I'm sorry that it has to be this way, for us and myself, but the only thing I can really do is goddam respect her decision. I can't keep second guessing everything that happens, lest I go insane. She made her choice, and we have to live with it. There's only so much of our shared fucking fates that I myself can goddam control...

I keep reliving the past and dreaming of the future. The cold, hard reality is, I did have a chance with her, but it was so fucking small. She just did not want to date me, and there was essentially nothing I could do to change her mind. And now that I've lost her, now that I've fucked everything up, she does not want to talk with me. She does not want to deal with me. I need to fucking just accept that fact, let her live her life, and move the fuck on. If she wants to contact me, she knows where to find me. But otherwise, what more can I do? What more is there to say?...

I had my chance, and I lost it. I can't keep second guessing the past, and I can't keep praying for a better future. I know this, I know all of this. But I guess, when it comes to the timing and tidings of weddings, a man just can't ignore the impending thoughts of his fate...

Six months ago, I was wondering to myself, I was dreaming, where would she and I be at this point in time?...

Would we be together at the wedding? Would she be by my side? Would I have her hand as we danced?...

... I guess, I have my answer...

Y2kk Update: There isn't anything to say...

... and yet I just keep on talking...

... talking about her, and nothing else...

You'd think I'd have something else to report. I've been spending every lunch with coworkers. I've been spending more of my time on weekends with friends and family. I've been promoted at work, effective January 1st the week before, and I've got a shit-load of pain and torture and torment to go through when it comes to my goddam new managers. You'd think I'd have something else to report on, besides my goddam emo-feelings about the girl I used to know at work, yet that's somehow never the goddam case...

She's all I still think about. How long has it been since I last saw her? It's sad that I actually do remember that the exact one month anniversary of when she left the company, when I last spoke with her, was last goddam Friday. It's pathetic that I actually do keep these kinds of records in my mind, and I'm sorry to say that at this rate, I'll be getting emo and nostalgic over her all over again when it comes to the two month anniversary of her goddam departure...

It's been a month since I last saw her face, and it's been a month since I last heard her voice. How long will I keep obsessing over her? When will it stop? Will it ever stop, if some small part of it was real? I really don't know. Was anything I felt real, or was it just attraction to the first girl in ages that actually seemed to have a thing for me? She was the first woman I ever expressed how I felt to, and I'm afraid to say, I've been regretting for so long now how damn badly I botched up the job. I told her I "liked" her, she laughed in my fucking face, and then I tried to save face by giving her a friends speech of my own. I'll never know now if she knew I was being serious. I guess I may never know now, whether she would have given me a friends speech if I didn't give her one first. She knows how I feel about her, or at least I hope she still remembers, otherwise I'd just be insulted. But does she know that I was actually willing to date her, that she was the first woman in my life that I felt I was ready to enter into a goddam relationship with?...

... and still would to this very day, as sad as that is to say after she fucking laughed in my face all those months ago...

... though weeks after the fact, I guess she did explain to me that she has yet to meet the right man for herself...

... she wouldn't even give me a chance... really, was I that much of a joke to her?...

I guess I never got over it. It still haunts me to this day. Not just the fact that she mocked my feelings, not just the facet that she laughed in my face when I told her how I felt. But rather, what wounds me most is that she never apologized, and she never even recognized the fact that I admitted to her my feelings after all these months. Straight from the get-go, the only acknowledgment of my expression to her, was when she fucking rolled her eyes at me the very next day when I didn't know how to deal with this kind of goddam rejection. She hurt me, she really fucking hurt me, and she never stopped with the gnashings and saltings of the wounds. All she had to do was give me a proper Friends Speech or at least give me a fucking apology for reacting so callously as she did. That's all I really needed to move on with my life, but I never even got that kind of consideration and care and goddam courtesy from her. I never got any sort of real respect that I meant something to her, not even as a friend...

And yet here I am, still whining and ranting away about her on this website of mine as I were some loser on livejournal. As emo as I always sound here, I know there's no point in constantly talking about her, of referencing shit I've already written somewhere long before over and over again on this blog of mine. There's a voice in the back of my head telling me to just forget about her, to live and learn and just move on with my life. And yet, the only voice that seems to come out of my goddam fingertips when it comes to this webpage of mine, is that goddam conscience that just won't goddam shut-up...

I have unfinished business with her, I know I do. I just don't know how to deal with it, if I'm ever going to get proper closure or any sort of shit like that. The thing is, I so desperately want to see her face again, I so dearly wish to hear her voice in person once more. But in all honesty, I don't know how I'd act or react to a situation where I do meet her again. I don't know if we'd argue, or if I'd be able to handle my feelings any better than I have after one month of barely hearing a word from her side. Let's say that she and I did meet for lunch or dinner, preferably alone together so that nobody else can bother or interfere. What then, what would I say? Would everything still be awkward, would I even be able to manage myself until these feelings of mine are repressed and filed away for good? If I did see her again, if I did meet her once more as a friend, would I be able to put away the past for her sake and just move on from that point on? To be honest, I'm nervous of the day I will be forced to confront her, but I doubt that day will come anytime soon...

Until then, for some damn reason, I can't help but constantly write about her on this website of mine. My fingers never type faster than when I'm thinking of her. It's just that, whenever I'm with her, no matter how upset I may feel on the outside, I just feel so much warmer and so much more vulnerable at the same time on the inside with her by my side, and I really honestly do miss that feeling. And the closest I can get to that same warmth and comfort of having there with me, is by constantly ranting and speaking of her with others and on this goddam blog of mine. For some damn reason, I can't seem to bottle up my feelings towards her, and I only feel right (even for the briefest of moments) when I rant and whine and gripe about this girl that I've fallen so fucking hard for. I wish I could be with her, I wish I could spend all that time with her that I did before, even as friends. But since I know that's impossible, and since I know it'll only end up hurting us both in the long run, the best I can do is to merely rant and whine and write on this goddam website of mine until it's all said and done. It's the only damn way I can feel close to her again it seems, and it's the only damn time that I fucking feel right in my goddam fucking week...

Besides that though, what more is there to say? Everything else has been spoken, yet my fingers never do stop typing...

... I think about her still, and nothing else but her...

... how lame and pathetic and sad is that?...

I don't know when or if or what will happen if the two of us ever do meet together again, privately with one another...

... I can't help but hope and wish it does happen though...

... though at the same time, I'm so worried and afraid...

I wish she gave me an apology. That's all I'm asking for at this point, to just move on with our lives...

... but I guess, in retrospect, that's all in the past and there's just nothing left to say...

... and yet, my fingers never do stop writing...

Y2kk Update: Eight years old...

... as of January 3rd, this website has become eight years old...

What is it I used to say? Happy happy happy happy happy anniversary, or some shit like that?...

Why did I start this website anyways? Originally, the download and Tweakui blogs of mine were simply intended to keep my two readers out there informed on video card and CPU news. I branched off with my MSN site to talk about my more personal shit, but eventually I just got bored of managing three sites at once, especially when my noname one finally started off the ground. And since then, it's been nothing but rants and whines and complaints on this download site of mine. When was the last time I ever even reported the video card news here?...

Over the course of eight years, a lot of shit has happened in my life. When I first started out this blog, I was back in either Grade 11 or 12, I can hardly even remember anymore. At the time, I was obsessed with a couple of girls, namely the "ILuvYou" girl who I still regret not taking to the prom to this very day, and the "Beautifully Minded" girl that I sadly started a crush on since she gave me a goddam chocolate gift on Halloween. The latter was more or less the only woman outside of my family that I've ever danced with in my entire life, but it was the "ILuvYou" girl that I should've been with at that fateful high school graduation formal of mine. Now sure, I had known since day one that she was never right for me, that it wouldn't have worked out between us if we ever had started dating. Still, she liked me and I liked her at the time, and my failures to become anything more than friends with her still haunt me to this very day...

After high school, I had a period of crushes that went absolutely nowhere. There was that French bitch that I won't even bother to name any longer, there was my "Petite Cherie" in fourth year that was just a hot Chinese FOB who every engineer probably had a fucking jonsing for, and of course there was my brother's old crush who I've always liked myself but never could or would get close to. Going to the University of Toronto and being part of the ECE computing faculty over there, there wasn't much of a selection of ladies to pick from, and I never really got to know anyone from the arts and sciences sections of the campus in the goddam end. As a result, I was still attached to my goddam obsession from high school for the longest time. I never even liked her as a person back in high school, but for some odd reason, I guess misery loves company. We were so completely wrong for each other, but something there between us connected at times, more than it did for the "ILuvYou" girl. Don't know what or why that was, but I was still hung up on this obsession of mine for years until university finally ended, even though I hadn't seen her for four fucking years...

And is that what's going to happen with me and the girl formerly at my work? The thing is, it's been a month since I last saw her, and weeks since I last was able to speak with her. I never see her online on her IM or any shit like that; hell, for all I know, she's blocked my gchat account and will never speak to me again like she did before. I can't contact her with the phone, since she never gave me her number throughout all our months together. She does know my number, but she's never called it once, so why would I ever expect to hear her on the other side of the goddam dialtone? I could just write her an e-mail, and I did for Christmas and New Year's. That was the only contact I had with her, brief little generic holiday statements that really could've come from any IM chat bot for all I knew. Is this really going to be our future from now on? E-cards as the only remaining hallmark of who I thought was the long lost love of my life?...

The thing is, I still think of her constantly. Not an hour of the day goes by when I don't. And just the other week, for some damn reason, I was reminiscing about the first time that she ever touched me, as pointless as that goddam sounds. It was more than a year ago now, about August or September 2006 or some shit like that. I hardly knew her at the time, aside from a few work conversations here and there. I didn't even know her name, not that I can recall at the time at least, and I only knew her as the cute girl in tight T-shirts and jeans from across the office. Well, there was certainly a certain vibe and deja vu I got from her, perhaps as if I had known her before at U of T, but this here was the first actual moment with her that actually felt real. This first time we touched was so goddam pointless, yet I never fucking forgot it...

We were all heading out for some major lunch, and come to think of it, it may have been for the departure of her Aunt (who had referred her into the office) from the company at the time. I was just sitting in my chair, minding my own business, jealous that the cute Chinese girl at work had just given peeled oranges as a gift to one of my coworkers and not myself (ha, jealousy... some things never change). When all of a sudden, when I least expected it, I felt a warm feminine hand on my shoulder, which I promptly reached for and returned back the favour. With an excited smile on her face, she had come to ask me if I was ready to go out for the lunch yet. I didn't even know her name at the time, I don't remember if she even knew mine, and yet somehow I was just smitten by her warmth and smile there. I never forgot that moment, even though I never could've predicted how damn much I would eventually fall for her one year later. Goddammit, I was so nostalgic over a silly little touch. Fuck, some things just never change...

It wasn't until we spoke at the Christmas party that year and later before Chinese New Year that I really started seeing potential in her. It wasn't until she started showing up and laughing with me every morning at stand-up that I realized that I really was falling for her, that I really wanted to be with her all the time. We never shut up with each other over IM back then, and we started going out for ice cream and long walks and dinner dates and shit like that, all as friends but I certainly did start feeling like we were something more. But that was the highlight of my year, and perhaps the goddam highlight of my life over the past eight fucking years I've been writing and whining on this goddam download website of mine. For a few months of my life, she really did make me happy, no matter how much I may have complained about her here. I only write what I care about, and I cared and still do care so much for her that she's the only thing that I can amuse myself with as a goddam muse...

How long is this going to last? I'm already starting to forget how her voice sirens or how her eyes sparkle whenever I make her laugh. I was obsessed with the girl from high school for so many years; will I really experience the same with the girl from work? She and I, at certain times, I really did feel we connected in a way I have never experienced with a person before. Does it mean we're meant to be with each other, unfortunately not. But right now, with no other options in sight, she is the only woman on my mind and within my heart. I don't know if she's right for me, and I don't know whether we two could have worked out as a couple. All I know is, unless things change drastically for the better from this point on, I guess we'll never know the answers to the questions I hold dear in my heart...

So what does this mean for this download site of mine, now that it's eight years old? Will 2008 be yet another year of whining and complaining and grating on the nerves about this girl at work who presumably won't speak to me ever fucking again? Or will I somehow move on, that I will somehow deal with the situation, and either realize that she just wasn't the right one for me, or that even if I do actually love her, it's best to just let her go and let her be happy. She needs to find herself, and only then, if only, would I ever stand a chance of being with her. But until then, to be perfectly honest, aside from the same old stories and the same old wives' tales about the girl at work, I really don't know what to fucking goddam write...

... I'm getting too old for this shit...

... eight years too old, to be exact...

I've written a lot on this download site of mine...

... a hell of a lot... too fucking much...

... eight years worth to this day...

And the real question beckons, where do I go from here?...

... how do I learn to fucking move on?...

... how do I learn to just let go?...

Over the course of eight fucking years, have I really grown at all?...

... maybe, maybe not... but does it really matter anymore?...

... I'm here afterall, with history...

I started this website so that I would never forget what I've lived...

... but sometimes, I don't know why I write anymore...

... I just know that I do...

Y2kk Update: I had hoped for the best for the past year...

... I was really hoping that the year of 2007 would bring me good luck...

If anything, in proper and objective retrospect, I think things overall have gone alright. There have been ups and downs and so many problems along the way, but I think most were dealt with and reasonably dealt with well by this point in time. Whatever issues I faced, I did find some closure, coincidentally during this holiday season no less. Not sure how or why that worked out, but for the most part, it all did...

My grandparents at the start of the year were ill as hell. Well, my grandmother has Alzheimer's and there's really nothing we can do about that, and then we had that scare in the middle of the year with the bladder infection that still plagues her to this day. But on the bright side, while her memory has faded, her smile has not. Over the past holiday season, she's been laughing and chatting the rest of the family up like she used to long before she got sick. Hell, she even started bringing up the fact that my brother found a nice girlfriend; when will I do the same? She's been pushing me for ages to finally get hitched and give her some grand-children. While obviously I have to take things at my own pace, I wish I could make her dreams come true...

Meanwhile, my grandfather started the year off with a busted hip. He was obviously really upset that his own health was deteriorating, but he was also worried as hell about his wife of so many years. In the middle of winter, my grandpa also developed pneumonia, which scared the shit out of us back home as he was segregated from the rest of the family for almost a month. Thank God though, that he pulled through his sickness and he was back to his normal, grumpy self by Christmas. While he still can't walk properly, he's come to accept the fact that there are still so many things to be happy and thankful for. He still has his own memory afterall, enough so that he too chimed in with his two cents, interrogating me at several points during the festivities for not having a girlfriend and making my mother happy. I wish I could make everyone's dreams come true in that regard, as all year round all I hoped for was to find a nice woman to finally share my time and heart and desires with. But je suis desolee, I guess some things are just not meant to be...

Job wise, I finally settled into my role at my company. Obviously, there were lots of hiccups along the way, specifically certain managers who made life a living hell for me either through ignorance or sheer incompetence or goddam completion of both to the highest nth degree. But things are starting to look up for me now, at least monetary and title wise. I was finally promoted at my job; as of January 1st, I will officially be an intermediate developer at my company. That brings a bit of extra responsibility to me, although that doesn't mean much in such a small dotcom remnant of a corporation. It also forces me to treat my parents out to a big ol' fashioned "thank you" dinner with Shark Fin Soup sucking up my wallet, to go along with all the meal festivities of Christmas, Chinese New Year's, and my sister's own upcoming wedding in late January no less. And yes, I am excited about my promotion, as it feels good to finally be recognized after three years of being in the industry by this point. Of course, the novelty factor will wear off soon, but at least for the time being, it's the thought and recognition that counts...

Of course, knowing me and everything I've written on this website of mine, I would throw and trade away all my success for a single, second chance at winning the hand of the girl I knew at work...

Now, it's been weeks since I last spoke with her, besides a few generic, sweeping statements sent to each other for Christmas and Happy Holidays. Over this period of absolute abysmal depression and repressive solitude, there have been a few rare moments of clarity, clear as mud, where I do realize that she and I right now are just not right for each other, that we're just not meant to be for now. My brother brought his girlfriend over for the Christmas holidays, and of course my sister has been bringing her fiance to these parties for quite some time now. The thing is, I can't imagine the girl at work right now fitting in and impressing my family the way that my siblings' significant others have. I fell in love with the girl at work, I admit that, but I just don't feel like she's the type of girl that would show the proper maturity and respect right now to truly win over my family and relatives. I don't know if she's really the type of woman yet, that I can bring home to the family...

And I quite honestly don't know if I would be the kind of man that her parents and friends could possibly be proud of. Sure, I think I made at least some sort of decent impression at the company Christmas Party, but who knows what was said behind my back after the girl and her mother left in the other taxi cab? I've been a horrible and horrendously immature person when dealing with the girl at work and all the friends that she cares about. How could I ever truly be anything but an embarrassment to her if she took me home for the holidays? Hell, I'm still a royal, child-like pain in the ass when it comes to my own family, but being accepted into her family and her into my own is a whole different level of the game. It's all something that I've been dreaming about for so long now, even since the holidays from last year to be honest, to find a girl that my family will truly accept and respect and cherish. But unfortunately, it's just not a dream that I feel can come true at this point in time, and not for the foreseeable future if she truly is not the one...

Basically, what I'm saying is, did she and I ever have chemistry? Will there be any hope for us in the future? Was I just being blind, hoping to get together with the first girl who actually had a crush on me the same time I had a crush on her? She did meet my brother, and I have asked him if he ever saw that kind of romantic chemistry and electricity between her and I that I always feel myself in the right situations with her. There are real live moments with her where I just want to literally sweep her off her feet and give myself completely over to her laugh and smile. But really, was I just blind? I've asked my brother this, I've asked him if he saw any sort of connection between her and I the night that he saw us together. So far, he hasn't really given me an answer, which I guess is the real answer that he gave. I'm not sure if there was really anything there in the first place between the girl at work and I, but unfortunately, that doesn't change the way that I still feel about her right now...

Like I said though, moments of clarity over the past few weeks have opened my eyes more to the reality that she and I, we just don't work out and potentially never goddam will. Part of me knows that I was so hoping for a girlfriend in 2007, I was so hoping to end my sense and cycle of eternal loneliness for the first time in my life, that I made a woman who had little to no interest in ever dating me, into what I consider to be currently the love of my life. I mean, I really have no way to contact her outside of e-mail, which she never responds to. After a full year by her side, she still hasn't given me her phone number, and she still never chooses to appear on an instant messenger to talk to me online. If that doesn't say something about how little I mean to her, and how insignificant I really have become in her goddam life, that what will finally convince me? I was so hoping that 2007 would be the year that I finally find the right person and experience the intimate feelings that I've been searching for so damn long now. In the end though, I may have been forcing myself to see something that was never really there in the first place, I just don't know...

... and sadly, I can't help but have the same damn blind and naive hopes and dreams for 2008 as well...

... right now, I can't help but look forward towards the future with child-like eyes...

... for a clean slate and a clear conscience, I can only dream and pray...

The first step is to get over her, to let her move on with her life and to just continue living out my own. And I can hope that my experiences with her will lead to more self-confidence in the future, as she was the first girl that I ever admitted my feelings to, and I can only pray that will help, not hinder, my emotions when I finally do meet the right girl I'm meant to be with. As sappy and illogical as this sounds, I've always been a big believer in destiny. Now of course, I also do believe that life is what you make of it, but I just tend to lean towards the comforting fact that someone or something out there does have a plan for where I should go and who I should be. Unfortunately, while I'm only 25, I'm starting to feel the effects of aging and emotional withering, of being alone all by myself, still searching for that certain someone that will hopefully flip my entire life upside down. Maybe one day, that girl at work can become that woman for me all over again, but I just can't see that at this point. Yes, she's still literally the girl of my dreams, but since when have my dreams ever been right?...

My hopes for 2008 are exactly the same as they were for 2007...

... hell, I feel like this past year lead nowhere for me, except right back to the start...

... full fucking circle....

But in proper and objective retrospect? Things have changed, and I have become different...

... have I grown?... have I matured, as much as I hate the use of that word?...

... well, at the very least, I'm definitely not as naive...

I still can't stop thinking about her, and I still can't help but hope that she finds honest happiness this coming year...

... but seriously, does it really matter anymore?... she's moved on, and I should do the same...

... it's a new year for both of us... I need to forget...

It's a new beginning, afterall. Out with the old, out with the new, I always do say...

... because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... as bloody hell much as 2007 was, at least...

I had hoped that this past year would bring me luck. Now, I can't help but hope for that same damn dream in 2008...

... and the same best wishes go out to you two readers out there...

... good luck, and good night...