Y2kk Update: It's been a long time since I had one of those "hell weeks" that I used to talk about all the time as a high school and university student. To be honest, after all the years that have passed since then, I almost started treating those long lost moments of my past as if they were fables and myths and legends that never really took place in history. And yet here I am, back at university, and now all of a sudden it's become painfully obvious once again as I am reminded exactly what the meaning of a goddam hell week is...

The thing about school, unlike being in a standard 9 to 5 job, is that you never really feel like you get to rest as your day is never officially over. You never really get to relax, unless you choose to slack off like I once did, I guess. Sure, it kicks ass to be able to sleep in until 10 am every single dawn, but now I'm back to studying all the way until 3 in the morning. Further pile onto that mountain all the other crap that happens in my daily life, and then all of a sudden, I'm left wondering where the hell I even can find the time and chance to goddam write...

It all started about two weeks ago, what most of North America would've considered to be just the Valentine's Day weekend. Well, it's not like I had any valentine to share the day with, and of course that added to my bitter feelings as it does every single year. Still, this season I was already busy enough thanks to it also being the weekend of Chinese New Year 2010...

It all started off with me having my Information Systems midterm for university the Friday night before, which went alright I guess but I'm still kicking myself for losing out on marks in what was supposed to be my bird course. I was overconfident going into the exam, simply because Information Systems was something I already covered in my computer engineering degree and my daily life at the tech jobs I've had. Because of that, I didn't buy the goddam textbook for the course, instead relying on the online posted Powerpoint slides for the internet section I was enrolled in. Bad idea of course, because for some reason, my professor didn't even bother to mention all the course material in her goddam slides. It would've been fine if there was even one bullet-point about the topics she placed on the exam, as I easily could've looked them up on Google or Wikipedia. But nope, of course not, the bitch was too lazy to do anything but post ancient slides from previous years or some shit like that, and then naturally tested us on theories that I later found were only present in the goddam textbook I was too cheap and lazy to buy. I'm sure I still did fine on the exam, maybe a B+ or A-, but I'm still kicking myself that Information Systems now won't be able to prop up my other marks...

Then came actual Chinese New Year, and like every year, I was busy as can be when it came to family. I forget most of the details about what happened now, but I do remember spending lunch with my grandmother (and arguing with my parents the night before since they weren't letting her come out to dinner in the cold), and I do recall visiting my grandfather at his nursing home and sharing with him some Chinese desserts. Unfortunately, I cannot escape house work even on the most important days of the Chinese lunar calendar, and because the closing date of the sale of our old house was quickly approaching, I spent the better half of my Saturday cleaning up the rooms and clearing out everything we could into the back of the minivan. With my back completely sore and my hands bleeding from the dry air and dirt, that's when we finally left to meet all the relatives for Chinese New Year dinner. I had a good time as usual, as I always do with family. There are some that can't comprehend how I suddenly feel better about life and my place in the universe by simply sitting next to those I grew up with. But I'm just that kind of introvert I guess, as the only real energy I receive from others comes from people I care about and trust. The food wasn't so great, but family always is...

Later that night, that's when my brother and I got together all the cousins, and took my sister and brother-in-law out for their farewell party. My sister wasn't technically going anywhere just quite yet, considering she still had to return to Chicago to finish her MBA at Kellogg's Northwestern, but this would potentially be the last time we would all see her and her husband together until my brother's wedding in August. The thing is, this was the last week that my brother-in-law would still live in Canada, before flying off to China and seeing if he can find his dream job of tons of cash in Asia. My sister will be joining him as soon as her schooling is done, probably in early June, and thus Chinese New Year weekend was sort of the unofficial bookmark moment of when the focus and locus of their lives were changing. It might be months until I see my sister again, so why not treat them out to a little dessert and drinks? It's not like I ever consume any alcohol, but I can always have apple crisps covered in ice cream, which wasn't bad at the Moxie's we went to but nothing to really shout home about. What counted most to me though was that while obviously my sister wasn't too keen on spending a night out with family, I know it still meant a lot to her that we were together...

Sunday was simply more festivities, considering it was the actual date of Chinese New Year. I found it ironic that after the farewell party the night before, after which I didn't expect to see my sister again all the way until August, she dropped by the house and spent the afternoon there with myself and the parents. That was nice of her, and even after she had to leave for festivities with her husband's side of the family that evening, my brother and his fiancee came by later for some dinner and good ol' fashioned television. I enjoy the simple moments in life, and just having family around me makes me forget about all my worries in the world. I'm going to miss my sister, I really am. I guess I should Skype with her at least, but I'm so lazy...

The following Monday was a surprise for me. The previous week, I had received a phone call from a job recruiter with good news for the first time in ages. I had an interview with a small insurance software firm in downtown Toronto, who specifically was looking for a programmer who also had knowledge of the business world (which is exactly what I've been learning at York University Accounting). After getting suited up and surviving the subway trip down from Yorkdale Mall, I walked into that office suite punctual as ever for my interview, only to find that the damn person interviewing me wasn't even there due to illness. WTF? The recruiter never informed me of this, and of course I wasn't given the actual contact information I needed to confirm that my interview would still take place. In the end, it wasn't the worst situation in the world, I ended up having a phone interview with my potential new manager, although the irony of how pointless it was to travel downtown in a goddam suit just to have a phone interview never quite wore off on me. Sure, I was irritated that I had to waste half my day getting to the downtown Toronto core for this crap, especially since my Corporate Finance assignment for university was due just one day later. But the office itself was decent, the managers I introduced myself to all seemed reasonably personable and kind, and I would've loved working there (despite the entry level pay) except for one goddam reason...

Skipping forward by a few days into the week, I did actually receive the phone call asking me to sign on the dotted contract line. In a sense, it was almost a benefit to me that I had a phone interview instead of an in-person one, since the manager was unable to ask me any difficult technical questions without being there in person. They really liked my ability to clearly communicate, and they were impressed with my overall knowledge of business and finance. Without even asking for my contacts, they offered me a job, but unfortunately I felt I had no choice but to decline. When I first accepted this interview, I was never informed by my job recruiter about how much travel would be involved. I would be alright with driving my car around the Greater Toronto Area, and I wouldn't even mind flying to remote locations for a couple of days at a time once in a while. But I never expected that this tiny little office offering such low entry level pay, would be requiring me to travel to Boston for a month at a time, or Quebec City for a month and a half as soon as all my training was done. They offered me the job on the condition that I quit my schooling (or defer all my exams, pretty much), but the issue was much bigger than that for me. I've already spoken about how much I enjoy spending time with my family, and I'm exactly the kind of guy who would rather sit at home watching the game than spend a night out at the pub or something. For such a low salary, why would I of all people want to spend half of my year living in a hotel, never seeing my family except through Skype or maybe on holidays if I'm lucky? Since losing my career in 2008, this was the third job offer I've received. I regret turning down Yahoo, which in hindsight was a bad move for my resume, but I don't regret declining the offer I received last week...

I know it sounds cliche, but I really do enjoy the spoiled sort of self-actualization I get from being a scholar at school again. Ultimately my goal is to use my combined Computer Engineering and Chartered Accountant degrees to start up my own firm, whether it's a computer consulting one, a financial accountant office, or to even restart the business that my parents worked so long and hard to build. I just don't like how goddam busy I feel when it comes to university, especially when so many other things start happening in my life. I already mentioned how the interview last week interfered with my timing for the Corporate Finance assignment I had due last Tuesday. Unfortunately, things just got progressively busier and busier from there, especially considering I had my Statistics midterm this past Saturday night, my Corporate Finance midterm the Sunday morning immediately right after, and lastly my Human Resources project due yesterday (Tuesday) afternoon. That was four major schooling deadlines all due within the span of one week, and I'm honestly now nervous about how I fared with them all. The Corporate Finance assignment was already returned to me with a mark of 73%, which was twice as high as I expected considering how damn hard all the material was. I don't expect better on last Sunday's Corporate Finance midterm however, especially after going through it a second time to check my answers and realizing that I had screwed up at least half of the multiple choice questions thanks to dumb mistakes made on my calculator. As for my Statistics midterm I had on a back to back the night before, it went alright I guess but I had believed the same with Discrete Mathematics back during engineering school, only to soon find what a disaster I was with goddam probabilities. Finally, the Human Resources project (or take-home midterm, if you will) was mainly a joke, but I realize the marking will be subjective and suspect at best and it still took me far too long to write, all things considered...

Having three (or two and a half) midterms in the span of four days was bad enough. Combine that with all the family stuff happening on the side for me as well, and then suddenly I have a recipe for disaster. After my interview last Monday and the Finance assignment due the night after, that's when I had to help my brother-in-law out for the next two days in moving all the remaining junk he couldn't sell from his uptown condo to the basement in our new house. Normally this would not be such an issue, considering he had hired movers with a truck to assist the operation, and the optimal size of our bungalow's basement when not under construction is pretty damn vast. The problem is, the basement is still under construction. Did I mention yet that thanks to my father's impatience, instead of waiting after winter and after my final exams are done to renovate the entire basement, he chose to do it now? Not only is the entire house covered in dust from dry wall and sanding as we speak, but the constant noise coming from the basement and straight through my bedroom's hard wood floors has made it nearly impossible for me to concentrate on studying like I did before. Add to that the fact that the movers my brother-in-law hired were fine with dumping all his stuff outside the basement, and it soon became my job to find a way to compress it all into the remaining limited space that was not being renovated? Goddammit, it takes a lot of time and sadly a lot of strained muscles to find a way to fit an entire condominium's worth of crap into, well, a room that was even smaller than his actual condo. The good news is, my brother-in-law rewarded me for my two day's help by giving me his used PSP-1000. The problem is, getting a new video game system always makes me waste more cash, money I really should not be spending...

Fitting all my sister's and brother-in-law's material possessions into a single damp room was one thing. The problem however was compounded ten fold by the fact that my mom also grew so impatient about the closing date sale of our old house. Originally the house deed would pass between owners in early April, after all my assignments were finally done and before final exams were set to start up. Perfect timing I thought, so obviously my mother wouldn't tell me that she struck a new deal with the buyers to move the closing date up to March 5th. Because of her impatience, which was no smarter in the end than my dad choosing to do basement-wide renovations in February rather than May, I was also forced to help my parents move all the remaining furniture and junk (which we had used for staging) back from the old house and down into, you guessed it, the already double-booked basement at home. Thankfully, this was the afternoon after my Corporate Finance exam so at least it didn't interfere with my studying. But it did significantly cut into my writing time for Human Resources, and it took the entire damn fucking day until nine or ten in the evening to unload everything off of the movers' truck and find a way to somehow cram it all into every nook and cranny we could find in the basement. Now our house looks like an absolute abomination of a flea market, as we were even forced to place sofas and mattresses on top of closet doors that we can't even fucking open anymore. Combine all this junk we had left from our old two story house with that of my sister's now-former condo, and you pretty much get the Berlin Wall...

Between house moving and basement renovation constant noise, to make things even more difficult for me in terms of writing my Human Resources essay due yesterday night, the weather completely crapped out on us and dropped over half a foot of snow here in Vaughan. Normally I would consider snow shovelling to be a fun distraction, but the problem was that I had already procrastinated for almost three hours by vacuuming every single square foot I could find in this house. I'm obsessive that way, but I simply cannot stand (or sleep) in a home that is covered by dirt, where my bare feet don't feel clean or soft as I walk. The movers from that Sunday evening before had left a giant trail of grass, snow, salt and mud wherever they had gone, and it was my duty as the first born son to clean it all the fuck up. I know it was a pointless endeavour in the end, considering the renovators will just dirty the whole place up again with all their sanding and drilling. Still, vacuuming the entire house and washing the goddam tiles free of goddam shit, all over the course of three damn hours, was just something that my obsessive compulsive self had to do. I just didn't expect that mother nature would be a complete bitch and drop over half a foot of snow on us later that same night. It wasn't even fluffy crap like we had gotten earlier in the year, but rather that wet, slushy frozen shit that weighs a ton to move and breaks your back (twice) in the goddam process...

Finally, that brings us to today (Wednesday), my first day mentally off in what seems like goddam forever now. Problem is, my relief will be short-lived, as this afternoon is merely the calm in the eye of the goddam storm. The rest of my schedule for the next week may not be as hectic as it was around Chinese New Year, but it definitely doesn't leave much room for a breather either. Tomorrow I'm returning back to the old house with my parents to move all the remaining garbage (and trust me, thanks to their former renovation business, we still have a ton of junk left filling up our garage) all the goddam way to the landfill waste site to be disposed of. It'll probably take us two or three trips to the dump at bare minimum, and after that I also need to take my mom to the doctor's office for her routine check-up while donating whatever leftover crap we have remaining at the nearby Goodwill store. That's my Thursday...

Saturday is just as busy, considering this coming weekend is officially when my brother is moving back home to live with me and my parents. Well, he'll live with us temporarily of course until August, when he gets married to the love of his life and moves into a house or condo of their choice. I'm actually not too worried about spending two or three trips to his uptown condo (he lives right across Yonge Street from my sister's old place, actually), considering most of it is simple and light, and we no longer need to shove it all into whatever remaining dark recesses and corners of the basement we have left. Instead, he's taking the one completed basement bedroom as his own and we'll simply recreate his condo right then and there, minus the kitchen and laundry room and front foyer with the cliche welcome mat, of course. Naturally, moving shit both up and down in his condo elevator will be time consuming and labouring at best, but I'm still really happy my brother is moving back home even if it's only for a few months, and even if I'll still barely see him most days of the week since he spends so much time out with his fiancee. What I'm worried about though and what I lament the most is the fact that the very morning after I help my brother move all his stuff from his condo to his basement bedroom? Sunday goddam morning, that's when I have my next Management Accounting midterm. Between this and my Thursday crap, when do I have a chance to study?...

My Management Accounting midterm this coming Sunday will be a bitch and a half to prepare for, but I'm actually more worried about my Intermediate Financial Accounting midterm the following Sunday morning. Besides it being aggravatingly early at nine in the morning, I'm extra concerned about that exam because of how busy I'll also be the very night before. Next Saturday is the day that my brother and all his groomsmen spend the afternooon and night together. First we treat him out for lunch I assume, then we go hunt for tuxedos and get our measurements, and finally we have dinner and drinks along with the bride and her bridesmaids which may take us very late into the night. I'm happy to do all of this for my brother, it's the least I could do considering how badly I already botched up the plans for his future Blue Mountain bachelor party (oh right, that was another thing that kept me busy these prior two weeks, but whatever). Still, writing off all of Saturday for pre-wedding festivities, while adding in the fact that March 5th will be the closing date of our house sale and I'll need to return back to my old home of twenty years in order to wash the carpets, rinse shit up, and bid my respects and farewells one final time? Then again, I was also damn busy for my Information Systems midterm, I was busy for Statistics and Corporate Finance back to back, I was busy before Human Resources, and I'll be busy yet again for my Management Accounting one. So sure, I'll be tired as hell at nine am on a goddam Sunday morning for Intermediate Financial Accounting, but at least I can rest assured it's the last of my goddam fucking midterms...

And yeah, that's pretty much what I've been up to. Considering the lazy, lethargical life I live, I don't even remember the last time I ever felt this goddam busy. And you know what the sad part of it all is, or perhaps the sweetest Valentine, however one may view it? No matter what else is on my mind, I still think of the girl I fell for at work. It was both Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year during the same damn weekend (and also Family Day if you live here in Ontario, Canada), so why wouldn't my thoughts still wander over to the only woman I've ever fallen in love with? I wanted to contact her again, I really did, and was devastated yet again when I realized it's been over a goddam year since I last heard from her, and yet still she hasn't even bothered to say hello. I still remember her telling me "okay", when I asked her to call me whenever she's free and wants to talk. Maybe I just missed her call long ago, but somehow I doubt that. It still wounds me every time that I remember how I would always try to make time for her, I would always try to ask her out to dinner or a movie or to just walk her back to Union Station, but she would always simply dismiss me and leave me standing there alone, always citing excuses about how "busy" she was and how she didn't have any time to spend on any given night. The contrast and irony of the situation has never been lost on me. I still care for her with all my heart, and considering the last time I spoke with her was to wish her a Happy Chinese New Year for 2009? Of course I wanted to just call her up and see if she was healthy and safe. No matter how busy I may become, with exams and movers and weddings and interviews to boot, I always still think of her and I always still wish I could make time to just be with her when I feel it matters most. I miss her, even more when I'm busy...

But alright, I guess that's it from me for now. I'm happy I got this all off my chest through writing, but I'm exhausted now and I better get back to goddam studying for Management fucking Accounting. Afterall, tomorrow I'm back at my old house for garbage disposal, Saturday I'm helping my brother move back home, and alas, the weather reports of incoming snow here in Ontario certainly do not look very kind to my schedule. My left arm is sore, my back is hurting, and of course my heart never heals when it comes to those who matter most...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? The goddam eye of the storm, that is...

But at least I survived one half of the hurricane. Another two hell weeks to go...

Y2kk Update: Wow, I haven't written since way back in August? And to be honest, I don't know why I haven't had the will to just sit down at my desk and force myself to write out my thoughts. I get lazier and more lethargical by the year, it seems. I guess there are a lot of possible reasons why, starting from the fact that my family and I moved between houses beginning from around that time period. It took a while for me after that to find the impetus to break out the old computer I always use for my download site, but even after I finally did dust the cobwebs off, I still left my keyboard and thoughts to gather dust. Why is that? I used to love to write, even if I never had an audience. What happened?...

I had lived in that old house of mine for twenty whole years, with our anniversary date being back in November to make it official. I remember when I was just a little child way back in Grade 2; as soon as that for sale sign went up on our first lawn, when we had made it official that we were moving from our tiny first home to the one that just now turned twenty years old, I just sat there staring at the sign through the window for what seemed like hours until I was too tired to stare anymore. Things have obviously changed a lot since then, even though I still have a lot emotionally invested in that old home of ours. Every time I go back to it (since we've been unable to sell it for the past six months now, unfortunately), I just get the feeling that I'm still more comfortable there in those hallways and cramped little bedrooms than I am in this new, lavish house meant to impress. That's not to say I don't feel at home here at the new bungalow we own; home is where your family is, afterall. It's just not the same though, you know? Not for the next 20 years at least, it won't be...

So yeah, I guess I've experienced a lot of tough feelings buried deep down inside when it comes to this move between cities and houses. Maybe because of that, I just didn't feel like writing for all these past months. I mean, I didn't even move over this website computer of mine until two or three months after the initial move, simply because this old desktop of mine was my final symbol of switching between the two homes. Ever since we moved here, things have been up and down for me, to say the least. It's not like I haven't had any good memories here yet, as it's always great to have my brother over for dinners more often, and my friend from Charlotte visiting over the New Year's holidays was great as well. At the same time, mowing this massive lawn, constantly shovelling the goddam driveway, and vacuuming all the god-annoying dark, hardwood floors routinely gets to me on a weekly basis. I also now have the unfortunate memory and guilt of actually allowing my grandma to fall to this cold, hard floor at Christmas, which I still haven't forgiven or forgotten to this very day...

I'm happy at least that my grandmother wasn't harmed. Whenever I still think back to that moment, I can still remember time almost freezing as she began to fall. It's not like I've ever lived through a situation where my life flashed before my eyes, but when you see someone you care about get hurt like that, one can't help but feel a million thoughts rush through the brain all at once yet the damn body is unable to act quickly enough to any of the ideas. At the time, I was distracted because of a semi-argument with my sister we had over the renovations we're doing to the basement in this new house, except it wasn't really a discussion about the basement but rather a transferred statement of loyalty and dedication to the family...

My sister had decided to leave the country in order to first study her MBA in the United States, and now she and her husband are packing up to live in Asia for maybe the next 10 or 15 years of their lives if all goes to their master plan. Of course I was bitter at her, and of course I was upset that she was throwing it all back in my face. So when I was helping my grandma put on her shoes to brave the freezing, Canadian winter outside, I had a momentary lapse in judgment when holding my grandma up on the stool and before I even knew what had happened, I was staring at my grandma as she was face first on the floor, terrified that she had hurt her head or was bleeding from the mouth. I don't remember the last time I was this worried, maybe it was when my grandma got pneumonia and was at the brink of death, perhaps. Call this selfish or egotistical if you will, but what truly shook me to the bone this time around was that it wasn't fate that put my grandma in this position, but it was rather my negligence and goddam stupidity. If she indeed had gotten hurt, it would be my fault and my fault alone. And for the past few weeks, I've still been trying to come to grips with that. I'm thankful my grandma turned out to be fine; she wasn't cut anywhere and the fall was too short to have concussed her brain. Still, I don't want something like that to ever happen again to the grandma I love and care so much for. She forgave me, but I don't know when I will...

Beyond that fearful moment, one that I know I'm being too hard on myself for but I just can't shake the image out of my mind, I guess Christmas turned out pretty good overall. It was great having the entire family over and we all shared a great Christmas dinner together. As the first born son of the household, it was my duty to make the opening speeches apparently on both Christmas Eve and Christmas evening dinner, and unfortunately I flubbed and sputtered through whatever lines I had somewhat put together at the back of my head. Not like it really matters though, I'm not there to impress others but rather just try to make my parents proud of who I am and what our family stands for. And what was most important about Christmas, besides my sister and brother-in-law being there with us for the last Christmas in who knows how many potential years, was that we also invited my brother's soon to be in-laws to share Christmas dinner with us as well. It was the same at Canadian Thanksgiving, minus my sister being there of course, where we invited my brother's fiancee's parents for the first time and everyone had a great experience getting along. It really felt like our family was expanding and it really felt like the spirit of Christmas was with us. I just hope we share the same feelings next year as well, even if my sister is living faraway in Singapore or wherever, and even if this family is all growing older and slowly growing apart...

I actually wanted to write download updates after Canadian Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving (when my sister came home for the first time in months), and Christmas dinner. It's been a long and painful year when it comes to my family, first by having to deal with the aftermath feelings of my grandfather's death, then with my grandma falling deathly ill with pneumonia, and finally with my mother having one of those terrifying nosebleeds that kept her in the hospital for two weeks or more. After everything we had been through for the past year, including the big move from our home of twenty years to this new house and new community, it was nice to hold a few housewarming parties and get family truly together for what may be the last time until my brother's own wedding this coming August. After every single one of these family gatherings and events, I wanted to write about how I felt about my sister leaving, how I still missed my cousin who has to spend all his time at Queen's University in another city, and how things just won't be the same once my brother gets married (even though I am so very happy and grateful that he found someone to love the rest of his life with). Yet of course, at every single one of these family gatherings, whether I was making the speech or the toast or whatnot, I still felt truly alone. I felt so alone that the only woman that I ever fell in love with was not there by my side, and in the end she probably never will be...

This was also the year that I started back at university, and part of the reason why I did so was to try to find the next girl of my dreams that could make me forget all about the woman that I fell in love with. And believe me, going to York University, there were a ton of Asian and Chinese girls there that definitely caught my attention, if only at first glance. I still remember this one girl in my Financial Accounting class who wore an adorable skirt and shoes on the first day, but she just didn't look or feel the same starting from the very day after. I also remember in the cafeteria this gorgeous lady in a tight white blouse and cute little track pants, and I didn't have to guts to say anything to her then and there. But the next time I found her, while obviously her body was still sensational, there was just something about her smile and face that didn't seem so beautiful to me anymore. I know I'm a complete pussy when it comes to talking to women, and I know I shouldn't judge them after just one or two conversations. But after six or seven whole months at York University, after trying to start up conversations with girls in libraries and lectures and goddam bookstores? While obviously there are so many women who are attractive there on first sight, none have had the voice or personality to ever make me feel the same way for them as I did for the girl at work. It's been so long since I last heard her voice, yet hers is the only voice I still hear. This is so sad and pathetic, but this is really how my heart works. Every single time I try to talk to another woman, they only serve to remind me of her. Why the fuck is that?...

I went to York University with the hope of finding a new woman who could make me forget about the lost love of my life, but instead, every day I keep thinking to myself that I wish it was the girl at work with me instead of all these spoiled brats surrounding me at campus. It'll soon be exactly one whole year since the anniversary of the last time I even spoke to the girl I still care about, and I only imagine if I broke my promise and contacted her again, that she would be either completely cold and callous towards me, or even bitter and angry that I haven't spoken to her in so long. I guess it speaks volumes though that every single week, I run those little expectation-scenarios in my head of what would happen if I were just to call her up one day, or if fate would finally put us together and have us run into each other on the street. Every single time I go to downtown Toronto, I keep hoping that she would turn up just around the corner, that we would meet up and end up accidentally sitting next to each other where I'll finally be able to tell her everything that I've ever felt. But every time I return back from downtown Toronto, I just feel so desolate and so lonely knowing that fate would never bring us together, that perhaps the best and only opportunity I had with her was years ago when I blew it and she never looked back. Call me a stalker if you will, but I have indeed kept track of her over the past year at times (for better and for worse when it comes to my sanity), and she's doing fine without me, without a single hint that she ever cared that I said my goodbyes. She seems happy now, so how could I ruin that for her by contacting her again? I've been desperately waiting for some sign to make my return, but nothing ever appears. She's fine without me, yet every day I think of her. I feel like such a goddam idiot...

I'm still unemployed after all these months, though I admit that my search for a job has somewhat diminished since I made my return to university. I'm doing much better at school now than I did at computer engineering at the University of Toronto, though it's not hard to outdo an education where I averaged a C- at best, failed three or more courses and accidentally slept through the last of my final exams. At York University, where I'm now aiming for my Chartered Accountant designation, I'm averaging around a B+ in my financial and accounting courses, and overall probably an A or A- when you factor in the bullshit arts and science courses I needed as pre-requisites. I still don't feel any more confident in myself or my skills than I did before I started though. Every day I'm at school, the same old shit and the same old tired story happens. I try to listen to the professor, I get bored halfway through, I start scanning the room for how attractive all the women look in the room that evening, and then I normally end up disgusted at how expensive their purses are or how they never ever wear the same outfit twice. Or I remember how every time I try talking to one of them, they would end up ignoring me or literally shoo me away like in the case of one Chinese FOB I tried making conversation with. And then of course, I start remembering what I keep reminiscing as the finer and simpler times in my life, when I was still in my old home, when I wasn't disillusioned with my job, when my grandpa was still alive, when my grandmother was still healthy, and when I still had a chance with the girl I eventually fell in love with, in spite of all my best efforts not to. I keep asking myself every single day, what if? I keep praying that she would write about me like I always do about her, but I know she never will. If only...

Well, short story short, it's now a New Year and a New Decade. God, time flies by so damn quickly. I didn't even really notice that I hadn't written on this website since goddam August. Has it really been that many months already? I know I've felt busy with the house move, with being back at university, and with dealing with the family issues of my brother's marriage and my sister leaving to live in Asia. But wow, I've had so much to write about and arguably so much time to do so. Why haven't I bothered, and when will be the next time I write?...

It's going to be a big year for me. I have at least three more terms to finish at university, I have my sister leaving officially in February and my brother getting married in August, and I still need to find a goddam job to bring back some income to this family and to help myself feel a bit more whole again. Of course, I know the real reason and the only real person why I may never feel complete again.  I care about her, I really do, but how can my conscience ever really allow me to speak with her again when I know she sounds so happy without me?...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? Enough to drive me goddam insane, day after day and time after time...

I guess, we'll see how the New Year turns out for me. 2008 and 2009 were both, to say the least, not very kind...

... but somehow, I just have the feeling, I will make 2010 into something real...

Y2kk Update: It's been a long time since I last wrote on this website of mine. And it's not like I haven't had the will to write. Every single week I try to find some time in order to sit down and just rant here for an hour or two. I guess technically I do have that amount of freedom, but I've just always felt so tired and so busy with so many things going on in my life right now. Almost feels like old times, really...

Right now, I'm still preoccupied with the move to the new house. My family and I are constantly driving back and forth between the two homes, moving stuff to and fro, and doing a ton of clean-up and repair jobs at the old house that we need to put on the market by the first or second week of September. Right now, we're still concentrating on repainting much of the house and completing repairs to the dry wall after plugging holes from water damage. Besides all that, I've been busy with my first month back at university, and considering I was taking two courses condensed to just one and a half months each, I was busy almost every week studying for midterms first and then the final exams. I'll be starting the fall term in one more week, and I still have a lot of work to complete when it comes to my part time job either this week or the next. I'll talk about all this along with more family matters when it comes to my brother's engagement during another website update, but there was also a couple of really big events that happened in my life since then that I want to discuss now, for better or for worse really...

It was the week before I started school at York University for summer and the week after we had finalized the deal for the new house in Woodbridge, that we got a call that nearly scared me to death from the nursing home. My grandmother had fallen really ill and that morning when we arrived to check up on her, we never expected that the EMTs would have to soon arrive on scene to take her to the hospital. When I first saw her, my first thought in my head was, "God, please don't let her die". My gut instincts were telling me that she would be alright, that we had caught her sickness before it got completely serious, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was terrified that this was it. I love my grandmother, I always have, I always will and I will always thank her for raising me like I was her own child when I was an infant. And here she was, looking so frail and weak before us, unable to even open her eyes on her bed when I tried to hold her hand. She could barely breathe and even with all my strength, I still couldn't get her off of the bed to see if she was alright. I was so scared at that moment, it's horrifying to witness somebody that you love so much appear so close to death. After we called the ambulance, I didn't know what else to do...

When we got to the hospital, I simply stayed by my grandmother's side the whole time. I'm sure I looked like an idiot, holding her hand as much as I could in the emergency ward, but considering she couldn't open her eyes, I just wanted her to feel reassured that I would always be there for her. One of the EMTs tried to comfort me, telling me that my grandmother would be alright. I wanted to believe him, and like I said, my gut feeling told me that this was not it, that this was not my grandmother's time to pass away, but she seemed so close to death that I couldn't help but worry and fear for the worst. My mother was crying off to the side, she was already making her peace with God, and all I could do was touch her shoulder and hold her hand to try to reassure her that this wasn't the end, that hopefully my grandmother will live to see my brother and his fiancee get married. We finally got a room in the resuscitation area, with a doctor who obviously didn't give a damn about our feelings or the comfort of her patient. But she did her job and told us that most likely my grandmother had pneumonia. She warned us that my grandma at her age may not pull through, but there was still a good chance that she would be alright. I chose to believe and have faith, of course...

Over the course of the next two weeks, I visited my grandmother every single day that I could, spending an hour or two by her side every opportunity I could get. Because of hospital regulations, we were forced to wear face masks, yellow gloves and those body-covering garments every single time we entered the room with my grandma, and I'm sure because of her Alzheimer's that at times she wasn't even aware of who we were. There were nights that I was especially worried about her, considering she looked so down and depressed and almost as if she wanted to pass away to be with her husband once more. But as the days went on, I'm thankful to all the doctors and nurses who kept such a close eye on her that she steadily began to improve, and by the end of her tenure there at the hospital, she was back to eating the sweet potatoes that we brought to her, her favourite food that she's been eating and adoring since before I can even remember being born...

I love my grandma and I am so grateful that she's back to being almost as healthy now as she was before her bout with pneumonia. I do realize that her time to be with my grandpa again is coming soon, but all I hope for now is that maybe she will get the chance to see her first great-grandchild. I know that is so much to ask for from both her and the fates, but I just want her to be there at least for my brother's wedding and I want to cherish every single moment I have left with my grandmother. I thank her so much for everything she has done for me in life and I want to repay her back the only way I know how. I know I probably looked very childish as a grown adult constantly holding my grandma's hand while tempting fate by contracting pneumonia of my own and spreading it out to the rest of the world, but that's the only true way I know how to express how I feel to her. Before she got ill, she would always smile when I first enter the room and give her a kiss. For two weeks there, that smile had vanished and faded and of course I became concerned. But now, she's back to being the grandma I love and remember and while I know it won't last forever, I can at least thank the stars and heavens for every single second while I still have my grandma here with me now...

August 21st was the anniversary of my grandfather's death. It was the first real death I had ever experienced and witnessed in life, and sometimes I still think about his final moments, sometimes I still really do miss my grandfather. On the anniversary of his death, my brother and I joined my mother at his gravestone, where she wept as she always does when she visits her father. She still blames herself for not seeing the warning signs of his kidney failure earlier in the month, she still wishes she brought him to the hospital long before he truly fell ill, even though we all know she did ask him multiple times but in his stubbornness he simply refused to go. Maybe his life could have been prolonged, I don't know, but it certainly wasn't my mother's fault that my grandpa didn't want to spend the rest of his life on life support or in a wheel chair, and it certainly wasn't anyone's fault that last year was the year that my grandfather's body started to fail him. I want my mother to forgive herself and maybe one day she will. For now though, she misses her father and blames herself so much for his passing that she will always cry as soon as we visit his grave. We do so every month or two, but of course August 21st was special. I miss my grandfather, I do. I wish he was here...

I still remember the promise I made to myself the night that my grandfather passed away. I was in love with the girl at work back then, and even though I haven't seen her in so many months now, I still love her to this very day. I don't know why I can't get her out of my thoughts and heart and mind, I just can't. There's not a single waking morning or a single evening alone to myself where I don't wonder if she's safe, where I don't ask myself whether she's ever thought of me since that last time I heard her voice. There's not a day that goes by where I don't question my decision to leave her, whether I am breaking my promise to my grandfather that I will do everything in my power to find true love. I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know why I seem to remember the same events with her happen in my head over and over again every goddam hour of the day. And it was made all the worse when my grandmother was in the hospital. The whole time I was there, I wanted to comfort my grandmother but I felt so guilty that even when my own family was ill, all I could think of was the girl at work and how I wish she was there to comfort me at a time like this. She's all I ever think of and she's all I ever want. It's been eight months, why am I like this?...

Of course I want her back. I always have and maybe I always will. But I still remember why I left, I still remember the reasons why I chose to leave her be. She doesn't like me anymore, and she hasn't for a very long time. She told me after the Malaysian trip years ago that she simply had not met the right guy for her yet, and she told me again just one month later when she chose to ignore me for the next few months we spent together at work. I should never forget her reaction when I told her just how I felt about her. She was the first girl that I ever expressed my feelings to and she couldn't even respect me enough to not laugh back in my face. And I can't ever dismiss the fact that in one of her final e-mails to me, she told me that if my crush on her doesn't go away, then maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. Even after I tried to rekindle the spark between us after the passing of my grandfather, every single time I called her just to see how her day was, she would always sound completely distant and bored, as if she was desperately searching for any reason to hang up the phone on me. No matter how many times I tried to call her, no matter how many tries I gave to try and get through to her, she was never grateful and never appreciative and never caring about how I truly did feel about her. She knew how I felt but she just didn't care, and what else can I do then? I had to move on, not just for myself but for her as well. I have to remember, I left not just because I felt hurt, but because she didn't want anything to do with me anymore...

With my grandmother so close to death for a week or two there, and with the first anniversary of my grandfather just the other day, not to mention the fact that my brother is getting married in a year and I'm going to be one of his best men, of course I have been thinking of my own future so much as of late, and of course I wish that things had gone right between me and the only woman that I've ever loved. After one month at York University, after even trying to talk to a few women who I thought I might have a chance with, I still haven't even come close to a single girl that makes me feel even one least bit as special as the girl at work somehow always managed to do...

Was it all in my head? I have to believe that, I have to assume that, considering she never wanted anything to do with me, considering every single time I spoke with her it sounded like I was a chore on her side that she just wanted to get rid of. I have to remember, I have to always keep close to my heart until I finally do move on, that in our final conversation she told me that she would call me, she promised me that she would contact me as soon as she wasn't so busy. But for me, starting from the very day years ago when she started to ignore me at work, she's always been too "busy", she never bothers to find the time to talk to me, to actually care about my feelings or even ask how was my day. It's sad to think that I still seem to remember almost as if it was yesterday, the one time she ever said "good luck" to me despite all the times I wished the same to her. I have to believe then, my feelings for her are only within my heart and nowhere in her own. I wish that wasn't the case, but then why hasn't she contacted me in eight whole months? Why has she never seemed to care since I told her how I feel?...

The other day, while cleaning up my room at the old house here, I came across an old piece of paper that was meant to be a reminder to me two years ago. I had forgotten my mother's birthday back then, so I wrote a note to myself, "Remember grandpa's birthday! Mom's birthday is three weeks later". That got a slight chuckle out of me and maybe even a single tear crawling down my eye. I should really write a new note, "Remember grandpa's anniversary. Mom's birthday is two weeks later." And course it reminded me of everything that had happened with my grandma. She's fine now and I go to visit her every single week to hold her hand and to bring her the sweet potatoes that she loves so much. But I know this is all just borrowed time. I'm thankful that I have this opportunity to share my appreciation and gratitude with her even more for all the years she took care of me and raised me to be the man that I am today. But none of this will last for much longer, I know that in my heart. My gut feeling when I first saw her there looking so frail and ill was that this was not her time, that she would recover and that she would be alright, but it's only a matter of a few more years until she leaves this world as well. I love her so much and it scares me that one day she will have to go. I wish that day would never come, but I know it must. And I just wonder to myself, what promises will I make to myself then?...

But for now, everything is fine. For now, my grandma is safe and she still smiles every single time I step through that door. And for now, at least I can bury my fears and my thoughts and my broken heart into the work I have to do for my part time job and for the Fall term at York University that I will be starting in a week or two. I wish I didn't have so many regrets about my past, I wish that my heart and mind could just become one for once and then maybe my life wouldn't be the empty void of a mess that it is now. In a perfect world, my grandfather and my grandmother would be there with me, as the woman that I love walks down that aisle, smiling and glowing as I take her hand. I don't know how, I don't know why, but just like how I knew that it was not my grandmother's time of passing this year, and just like I knew it was indeed my grandfather's time the moment I first heard the news of his illness, I just somehow know deep in my heart that I really have met the girl of my dreams, that I really have met the one. But with everything that has happened between us, with the simple remembrance of the fact that she sounded disgusted with me almost every time I phoned, and she still hasn't written me back even in eight whole months, my mind just can't accept the fact that my heart knows all. I left her not just for me, but for her, because I love her. And to this day, she never came back...

I promised my grandfather that I would never rest until I find the one, until I find true love. But then I also promised both myself and the only woman I've ever loved that I would set her free, that I would leave her be because I just couldn't stand to hear her hurt and annoyed any longer from my goddam actions. The two promises are not mutually exclusive in my mind but they certainly feel that way in my heart. I may always second guess my choice but I know deep down inside that I made the only decision I could and that it was the right thing to do for her. It has been eight whole months and I have not heard a single word from her. I may hate this, I may hate myself, but this is the way it's meant to be...

I've been so damn busy as of late, but it's never helped me forget about my grandmother. It's never helped me forget about my grandfather. And it's never made me forget for even a single moment of the day how much my heart aches to truly find the woman that I belong with...

I was so hoping I could forget. I was so hoping it would work. God, I'm so damn bloody naive...

Which is why I write. Which is why I remember.