Y2kk Update: It's been a long time since I last wrote on this website of mine. And it's not like I haven't had the will to write. Every single week I try to find some time in order to sit down and just rant here for an hour or two. I guess technically I do have that amount of freedom, but I've just always felt so tired and so busy with so many things going on in my life right now. Almost feels like old times, really...

Right now, I'm still preoccupied with the move to the new house. My family and I are constantly driving back and forth between the two homes, moving stuff to and fro, and doing a ton of clean-up and repair jobs at the old house that we need to put on the market by the first or second week of September. Right now, we're still concentrating on repainting much of the house and completing repairs to the dry wall after plugging holes from water damage. Besides all that, I've been busy with my first month back at university, and considering I was taking two courses condensed to just one and a half months each, I was busy almost every week studying for midterms first and then the final exams. I'll be starting the fall term in one more week, and I still have a lot of work to complete when it comes to my part time job either this week or the next. I'll talk about all this along with more family matters when it comes to my brother's engagement during another website update, but there was also a couple of really big events that happened in my life since then that I want to discuss now, for better or for worse really...

It was the week before I started school at York University for summer and the week after we had finalized the deal for the new house in Woodbridge, that we got a call that nearly scared me to death from the nursing home. My grandmother had fallen really ill and that morning when we arrived to check up on her, we never expected that the EMTs would have to soon arrive on scene to take her to the hospital. When I first saw her, my first thought in my head was, "God, please don't let her die". My gut instincts were telling me that she would be alright, that we had caught her sickness before it got completely serious, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was terrified that this was it. I love my grandmother, I always have, I always will and I will always thank her for raising me like I was her own child when I was an infant. And here she was, looking so frail and weak before us, unable to even open her eyes on her bed when I tried to hold her hand. She could barely breathe and even with all my strength, I still couldn't get her off of the bed to see if she was alright. I was so scared at that moment, it's horrifying to witness somebody that you love so much appear so close to death. After we called the ambulance, I didn't know what else to do...

When we got to the hospital, I simply stayed by my grandmother's side the whole time. I'm sure I looked like an idiot, holding her hand as much as I could in the emergency ward, but considering she couldn't open her eyes, I just wanted her to feel reassured that I would always be there for her. One of the EMTs tried to comfort me, telling me that my grandmother would be alright. I wanted to believe him, and like I said, my gut feeling told me that this was not it, that this was not my grandmother's time to pass away, but she seemed so close to death that I couldn't help but worry and fear for the worst. My mother was crying off to the side, she was already making her peace with God, and all I could do was touch her shoulder and hold her hand to try to reassure her that this wasn't the end, that hopefully my grandmother will live to see my brother and his fiancee get married. We finally got a room in the resuscitation area, with a doctor who obviously didn't give a damn about our feelings or the comfort of her patient. But she did her job and told us that most likely my grandmother had pneumonia. She warned us that my grandma at her age may not pull through, but there was still a good chance that she would be alright. I chose to believe and have faith, of course...

Over the course of the next two weeks, I visited my grandmother every single day that I could, spending an hour or two by her side every opportunity I could get. Because of hospital regulations, we were forced to wear face masks, yellow gloves and those body-covering garments every single time we entered the room with my grandma, and I'm sure because of her Alzheimer's that at times she wasn't even aware of who we were. There were nights that I was especially worried about her, considering she looked so down and depressed and almost as if she wanted to pass away to be with her husband once more. But as the days went on, I'm thankful to all the doctors and nurses who kept such a close eye on her that she steadily began to improve, and by the end of her tenure there at the hospital, she was back to eating the sweet potatoes that we brought to her, her favourite food that she's been eating and adoring since before I can even remember being born...

I love my grandma and I am so grateful that she's back to being almost as healthy now as she was before her bout with pneumonia. I do realize that her time to be with my grandpa again is coming soon, but all I hope for now is that maybe she will get the chance to see her first great-grandchild. I know that is so much to ask for from both her and the fates, but I just want her to be there at least for my brother's wedding and I want to cherish every single moment I have left with my grandmother. I thank her so much for everything she has done for me in life and I want to repay her back the only way I know how. I know I probably looked very childish as a grown adult constantly holding my grandma's hand while tempting fate by contracting pneumonia of my own and spreading it out to the rest of the world, but that's the only true way I know how to express how I feel to her. Before she got ill, she would always smile when I first enter the room and give her a kiss. For two weeks there, that smile had vanished and faded and of course I became concerned. But now, she's back to being the grandma I love and remember and while I know it won't last forever, I can at least thank the stars and heavens for every single second while I still have my grandma here with me now...

August 21st was the anniversary of my grandfather's death. It was the first real death I had ever experienced and witnessed in life, and sometimes I still think about his final moments, sometimes I still really do miss my grandfather. On the anniversary of his death, my brother and I joined my mother at his gravestone, where she wept as she always does when she visits her father. She still blames herself for not seeing the warning signs of his kidney failure earlier in the month, she still wishes she brought him to the hospital long before he truly fell ill, even though we all know she did ask him multiple times but in his stubbornness he simply refused to go. Maybe his life could have been prolonged, I don't know, but it certainly wasn't my mother's fault that my grandpa didn't want to spend the rest of his life on life support or in a wheel chair, and it certainly wasn't anyone's fault that last year was the year that my grandfather's body started to fail him. I want my mother to forgive herself and maybe one day she will. For now though, she misses her father and blames herself so much for his passing that she will always cry as soon as we visit his grave. We do so every month or two, but of course August 21st was special. I miss my grandfather, I do. I wish he was here...

I still remember the promise I made to myself the night that my grandfather passed away. I was in love with the girl at work back then, and even though I haven't seen her in so many months now, I still love her to this very day. I don't know why I can't get her out of my thoughts and heart and mind, I just can't. There's not a single waking morning or a single evening alone to myself where I don't wonder if she's safe, where I don't ask myself whether she's ever thought of me since that last time I heard her voice. There's not a day that goes by where I don't question my decision to leave her, whether I am breaking my promise to my grandfather that I will do everything in my power to find true love. I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know why I seem to remember the same events with her happen in my head over and over again every goddam hour of the day. And it was made all the worse when my grandmother was in the hospital. The whole time I was there, I wanted to comfort my grandmother but I felt so guilty that even when my own family was ill, all I could think of was the girl at work and how I wish she was there to comfort me at a time like this. She's all I ever think of and she's all I ever want. It's been eight months, why am I like this?...

Of course I want her back. I always have and maybe I always will. But I still remember why I left, I still remember the reasons why I chose to leave her be. She doesn't like me anymore, and she hasn't for a very long time. She told me after the Malaysian trip years ago that she simply had not met the right guy for her yet, and she told me again just one month later when she chose to ignore me for the next few months we spent together at work. I should never forget her reaction when I told her just how I felt about her. She was the first girl that I ever expressed my feelings to and she couldn't even respect me enough to not laugh back in my face. And I can't ever dismiss the fact that in one of her final e-mails to me, she told me that if my crush on her doesn't go away, then maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. Even after I tried to rekindle the spark between us after the passing of my grandfather, every single time I called her just to see how her day was, she would always sound completely distant and bored, as if she was desperately searching for any reason to hang up the phone on me. No matter how many times I tried to call her, no matter how many tries I gave to try and get through to her, she was never grateful and never appreciative and never caring about how I truly did feel about her. She knew how I felt but she just didn't care, and what else can I do then? I had to move on, not just for myself but for her as well. I have to remember, I left not just because I felt hurt, but because she didn't want anything to do with me anymore...

With my grandmother so close to death for a week or two there, and with the first anniversary of my grandfather just the other day, not to mention the fact that my brother is getting married in a year and I'm going to be one of his best men, of course I have been thinking of my own future so much as of late, and of course I wish that things had gone right between me and the only woman that I've ever loved. After one month at York University, after even trying to talk to a few women who I thought I might have a chance with, I still haven't even come close to a single girl that makes me feel even one least bit as special as the girl at work somehow always managed to do...

Was it all in my head? I have to believe that, I have to assume that, considering she never wanted anything to do with me, considering every single time I spoke with her it sounded like I was a chore on her side that she just wanted to get rid of. I have to remember, I have to always keep close to my heart until I finally do move on, that in our final conversation she told me that she would call me, she promised me that she would contact me as soon as she wasn't so busy. But for me, starting from the very day years ago when she started to ignore me at work, she's always been too "busy", she never bothers to find the time to talk to me, to actually care about my feelings or even ask how was my day. It's sad to think that I still seem to remember almost as if it was yesterday, the one time she ever said "good luck" to me despite all the times I wished the same to her. I have to believe then, my feelings for her are only within my heart and nowhere in her own. I wish that wasn't the case, but then why hasn't she contacted me in eight whole months? Why has she never seemed to care since I told her how I feel?...

The other day, while cleaning up my room at the old house here, I came across an old piece of paper that was meant to be a reminder to me two years ago. I had forgotten my mother's birthday back then, so I wrote a note to myself, "Remember grandpa's birthday! Mom's birthday is three weeks later". That got a slight chuckle out of me and maybe even a single tear crawling down my eye. I should really write a new note, "Remember grandpa's anniversary. Mom's birthday is two weeks later." And course it reminded me of everything that had happened with my grandma. She's fine now and I go to visit her every single week to hold her hand and to bring her the sweet potatoes that she loves so much. But I know this is all just borrowed time. I'm thankful that I have this opportunity to share my appreciation and gratitude with her even more for all the years she took care of me and raised me to be the man that I am today. But none of this will last for much longer, I know that in my heart. My gut feeling when I first saw her there looking so frail and ill was that this was not her time, that she would recover and that she would be alright, but it's only a matter of a few more years until she leaves this world as well. I love her so much and it scares me that one day she will have to go. I wish that day would never come, but I know it must. And I just wonder to myself, what promises will I make to myself then?...

But for now, everything is fine. For now, my grandma is safe and she still smiles every single time I step through that door. And for now, at least I can bury my fears and my thoughts and my broken heart into the work I have to do for my part time job and for the Fall term at York University that I will be starting in a week or two. I wish I didn't have so many regrets about my past, I wish that my heart and mind could just become one for once and then maybe my life wouldn't be the empty void of a mess that it is now. In a perfect world, my grandfather and my grandmother would be there with me, as the woman that I love walks down that aisle, smiling and glowing as I take her hand. I don't know how, I don't know why, but just like how I knew that it was not my grandmother's time of passing this year, and just like I knew it was indeed my grandfather's time the moment I first heard the news of his illness, I just somehow know deep in my heart that I really have met the girl of my dreams, that I really have met the one. But with everything that has happened between us, with the simple remembrance of the fact that she sounded disgusted with me almost every time I phoned, and she still hasn't written me back even in eight whole months, my mind just can't accept the fact that my heart knows all. I left her not just for me, but for her, because I love her. And to this day, she never came back...

I promised my grandfather that I would never rest until I find the one, until I find true love. But then I also promised both myself and the only woman I've ever loved that I would set her free, that I would leave her be because I just couldn't stand to hear her hurt and annoyed any longer from my goddam actions. The two promises are not mutually exclusive in my mind but they certainly feel that way in my heart. I may always second guess my choice but I know deep down inside that I made the only decision I could and that it was the right thing to do for her. It has been eight whole months and I have not heard a single word from her. I may hate this, I may hate myself, but this is the way it's meant to be...

I've been so damn busy as of late, but it's never helped me forget about my grandmother. It's never helped me forget about my grandfather. And it's never made me forget for even a single moment of the day how much my heart aches to truly find the woman that I belong with...

I was so hoping I could forget. I was so hoping it would work. God, I'm so damn bloody naive...

Which is why I write. Which is why I remember.

Y2kk Update: Well, the past two weeks have certainly been an interesting turn of events...

My brother has prepared to propose to his girlfriend for the past few months. He had scheduled a trip with her to New York this past weekend, and he made sure to pop the question in the perfect spot with the perfect weather in Central Park. Considering they love each other so much, she said yes and starting hugging him before he could even get the ring on her finger. He later wrote to me that evening that she was so positively glowing throughout the entire night that it was one of the happiest moments of his life. I'm so happy for them, I really am. I just wish though that I didn't feel so left out and I wish I didn't feel so alone. All I can hope for now is that everything goes perfectly for my brother. If I can't have the kind of life that I want, at least I can be happy for him and his fiancee. He found true love, and how can I not be jealous?...

I had put too much pressure on myself last Thursday when I was taking them to the airport. I knew that my brother was going to propose in a couple of days, and I just wanted to make sure that everything went perfectly for them the moment that we stepped into the car. I was feeling nervous behind the wheel for the first time in years, and in hindsight, I should've put aside my pride and simply allowed my brother to drive like he originally requested. I guess my ego was hurt a bit when he did ask to be in the driver's seat, considering I wanted to be the one to just let him relax and concentrate on his time with his girlfriend on the way to the airport. I wanted to do everything in my power to make their weekend as special as possible, and I chose not to let him drive because I wanted to prove to both him and myself that I could be the chaperone for him and his future fiancee. I just wanted to contribute to his engagement weekend in the only way I could, but I really should've just bit my pride...

Driving to the airport was absolutely a disaster. I don't know whether I was just nervous behind the wheel or if things really did go to shit. I just know that I feel absolutely terrible and mortified that thanks to my reckless driving, I put both my brother's and his girlfriend's lives in danger. Maybe I'm going too far with that, maybe it's not like we were ever really in harm's way, but I certainly made them feel nervous about their own safety in the car, and that's never what I ever intended. On the way to picking her up at her workplace, I already messed up twice by first driving too closely to a dump truck on the highway in a tight corner turn, and again later on when shoving my way into an off-ramp in a busy section of the QEW highway where it merges with the 427. I was driving too quickly and I should've realized that I had to apply the brakes sooner and harder than I did. We were never in any real danger because fitting into a tight spot like I did on Thursday, is something I've done many times on the highway in the past. But my brother certainly wasn't happy with the sudden stop on the freeway though, he didn't like the feeling that there was a chance I could ram the car that was stopped ahead of me, and I realized I really should have had more patience and more common sense and just lined up like the rest of the vehicles waiting to merge onto the other goddam highway...

After we picked up his girlfriend from her workplace, I promised myself that I would simply drive in the slower lanes on the right of the freeway all the way to the airport, simply because I wanted to make sure that my brother and his soon to be fiancee would never be in harm's way. What I didn't realize though, was that by driving up along the 427 highway here in Toronto, you need to stay all the way far in the left lanes in order to continue going North, and I fucked up badly in that sense. As soon as I got on the highway and tried to stay content on the right lanes like I had promised, I soon saw that I would accidentally exit onto a different highway if I didn't shift about four lanes to the left right away. In the process while doing so, I didn't notice that there was a sudden traffic jam right in front of me, as expected during a highway transition during goddam rush hour. Sure, I applied the brakes well in time and no harm ever came to my brother and his girlfriend. But once again, my brother panicked, criticized my actions, and I know he definitely didn't feel comfortable with me behind the wheel. That's when I felt more nervous...

And that's when I really fucked up later on. The 427 highway going North was a complete bitch and a half after that point. Like I said, I had to go far into the left lanes in order to continue towards the airport. What I didn't realize was that only moments after I had switched four lanes left to stay on the highway, I had to switch four lanes back to the right in order to exit to Pearson airport. I didn't have much time to make the adjustment, and I stupidly hesitated thinking that I could get in front of some cars by speeding up. That decision cost me dearly with time running short before the off-ramp. The biggest problem with the 427 is that traffic on the right lanes often moves faster than the left lanes, especially after the merge with the giant 401 highway. When I was desperately trying to shift into the right lanes, two fucking cars refused to let me through. They neither sped up to get out of my way nor did they slow the fuck down. I tried applying the brakes myself (what other choice did I have?), then the car behind me started tail-gating, honking its horn constantly because I was in its goddam path. In frustration, I yelled out at no-one, "why the hell is everyone so tough today?", sparking a reaction from my brother's girlfriend that it's not my fault...

Eventually, with the off-ramp just moments away, I had no choice but to pull a downtown driving stunt on the 427 highway and shove my way into the two fucktard cars that wouldn't let me through. Of course when a minivan is barreling between two fucking asshole compact cars, the one behind me had no choice but to finally fucking back off. We narrowly made it to the airport, and I felt so damn terrible about the situation that I apologized to both my brother and his girlfriend for my behaviour. The last thing I ever wanted was to put their lives in jeopardy, and even if I'm over-embellishing that fact, there was no doubt when I looked into my brother's eyes that he was furious at me for making his girlfriend and soon to be fiancee so worried and so at risk in the goddam car. I felt so guilty about what I had done that I even tried to phone up my brother when he was still at the airport to apologize again about the situation. When we had first left the house that morning, the only thought on my mind was to be a perfect driver for one of the most important weekends of his entire life. And yet it turned out to be the day when my brother had to scold me and my driving skills not once or twice but three fucking times along the way to the airport. I should've just swallowed my pride and allowed him to drive in the first place, I really should have. I just still can't believe how wrong things went...

Like I mentioned before, if my brother was indeed angry at me for my "driving antics and escapades" (as I emo-ly put it later), he certainly forgot all about it by the time that his girlfriend said yes in Central Park. The both of them sounded so happy over the phone after he popped the question, and I couldn't help but be relieved that everything had turned out for the best despite my goddam missteps and mistakes. When I arrived at the airport Monday morning in order to pick them up, my brother once again asked if he could drive. I actually was willing to let him, but he chose to get into the passenger seat instead of taking the key away from me, so I sat down behind the wheel and tried to drive as carefully and cautiously as I could. When we were coming up to the big bend on the bridge along the 403, I noticed that a pick-up truck was parked on the side curb of the highway, and in between it and I was a giant Mack truck making the turn. I quickly calculated the dangers in my head, and even though I knew my brother would probably admonish me for this, I hit the brakes to stay well behind of the truck in front of me, in case it chose to swerve from the right to the left lane I was in, to avoid the pick-up on the side. As expected, my brother exclaimed, "what the hell are you doing?", in which case I told him my reasoning. He understood why I had slammed on the brakes just in case, but I don't think he would have done the same in my place. I don't regret my decision though, but it did show he obviously had no trust in me behind the wheel...

When we got back to my house, we all celebrated the engagement with lunch and stories about his proposal in Central Park. It was a great time, even if the happy couple seemed more fatigued than anything else. After that moment, my brother left with his fiancee to have her ring adjusted to fit more firmly on her finger, and my parents and I left to visit the new house we had just put an offer on the previous week before (which is a story I'll tell soon enough in another update, but just not today). Thanks to issues we found at the house inspection, and thanks to my pig-headedness in taking on a hot-blooded Italian bitch in a yelling match over something as trivial as a busted fridge (like I said, more on that another day), we stupidly and ignorantly arrived late to the engagement dinner my brother had planned between the two families. I can't believe I misjudged the time so poorly, not realizing it would take us a long time in traffic to get from Woodbridge to the restaurant in Markham. After all I had done to ruin the drive from the airport and back for the happy couple, how the fuck could I have been so thoughtless to be twenty minutes late to their goddam first engagement dinner? Seriously, what a hypocrite I am. I wanted things to be perfect for my brother and his fiancee, yet I was the one ruining their perfect moment yet again. What the hell is wrong with me?...

Dinner started out alright. We had some good conversations going on between the two families about the proposal and wedding plans from here on out. But as you two readers know, over the course of a three hour dinner in this case, there's only so much one can talk about even about their children getting married. Eventually after most of the food was gone from the table, my mother and father started ranting about the house inspection and how rude and brutish the sales agents had been with us for the past three or four hours. It's fine to discuss lightly that sort of stuff, especially since my brother's girlfriend's parents had asked, but my mom soon went off on a tangent and started bitching about trivial things like the value of the furniture in the home or the trimmings on the ceilings. My brother had been worried a week earlier that his engagement dinner would be ruined or overshadowed by the purchase of the new house by my parents. In a sense, maybe it was selfish that he would want the entire three hour dinner focused solely on him, his girlfriend and their proposal over the weekend. But then again, I guess some days do deserve to be dedicated to just two people, since I'm sure my brother and his fiancee will only ever get engaged once in their entire lifetimes. I was so happy for them, I really was. I kept wanting to give them both a perfect day, so why the hell was I ruining it again?...

When I myself got involved in the goddam house discussions, since I was still so upset at how ignorantly rude all the sales agents had been to my very face, my brother tapped me on the shoulder and scolded me for ruining his night. He did apologize to me later about it, saying he didn't mean to "hit" me. All he really did was give me a gentle tap of a reminder, although the look on his face definitely made it feel more like a slap to my face. But he was right; what was I doing? I keep telling myself that I want to make him and his fiancee as happy as possible, and once again I had lost myself in my own petty grievances, just like I had lost track of time when arriving late to their dinner in the first place. My brother started complaining to me that his girlfriend's parents had lost all interest in what my mom was still ranting on and on about, and it was clear that he was not happy with how spoiled my family was acting. I felt absolutely terrible there too that I had forgotten about my promise to my brother, to make sure that night went as perfectly as possible. So what other choice did I have but to stand up for what's right?...

I had made so many mistakes over the past few days. It was time I tried to start making amends for them all. My mother wouldn't shut up and even though I gave my brother several moments to say something himself, he did nothing to change the topic of discussion at the table except to reprimand me for my behaviour yet again. I felt so guilty for everything I had done wrong over the goddam weekend, from putting his girlfriend's life in danger on the highway to forgetting and ignoring the happy couple at their own engagement dinner thanks to my own petty jealousy and vindictiveness. I can't take back what I've done, I can't fix the mistakes of the past and change fucking time, but I can at least stand up on my own two feet and try to make amends for what I have done. My mother wouldn't stop talking about the house, so I had no choice but to cut her off and offer my brother and his fiancee a toast. I made absolutely the worst toast I could possibly imagine in life, using the word "great" about three or four slurred times in a row when it came to the family and the couple's future marriage, but I think I did the best I could under the guilt I felt deep down inside. Those were sadly the only honest words that came to my mouth, but I meant every second if it when I gave them my blessing. I still felt horrible for ruining their perfect weekend, but I knew I would feel even more remorse if I simply sat there and said nothing as my brother felt his dinner had been ruined. I'm not a "great" man by any means, but I certainly wish I was...

My brother of course apologized to me later on for hitting me on the shoulder, and he thanked me for saving the dinner by bringing the focus back to him and his fiancee. I appreciated that, but I could still see in his eyes that he was upset, most likely because of me. He expected more from me, and I expected more from myself. I shouldn't have been so selfish in wanting to drive my brother and his girlfriend to the airport, simply so I could prove to them that I am a good driver and that I will be there for them whenever they need me. I shouldn't have wasted half an hour arguing with the dumbass sales agents at the house inspection, especially when I knew in the back of my head that this was my brother's engagement dinner we were talking about here, and it'll be perhaps the only one he'll ever have in his entire life. And I was just so wrong in ruining the rest of their special night by griping about the house and bickering with my parents at a dinner that should have been focused on making my brother and his fiancee feel as happy and appreciated as they possible can feel. Sure, I accept that at least I tried my best to rectify the situation, but I still can't believe how much of a hypocrite I've been all weekend long. I kept making mistake after mistake after fucking bullshit mistake in the pretense guise of helping my brother. I try to tell myself that I meant well, but if I honestly did, why did I never learn?...

I still feel terrible for what I had done, I still feel that hallowing and humbling guilt, but what else can I do? What else could I have done to make amends and help everyone to feel better? I had apologized profusely, I offered the couple an honest toast, and all I can do now is promise myself that I will try my absolute best to never repeat the same mistakes of the past few days ever again. My brother still has more than one year before he gets married. That's more than a year then for me to become the kind of man that I want to be, or a true best man so to speak...

Congratulations to my brother and his fiancee. God, they really do love each other so much. The way they look at each other? I want that...

Of course I'm jealous. How could I not be? They found true love. I just wish I could be as happy for them as I want to be...

But I do love them. I honestly do. I just hope that's enough.

Y2kk Update: Well, that was certainly thoroughly humiliating...

I went to my second interview at that advertising firm on Tuesday. I walked into that technical exam determined to do well, despite my petrifying apprehension that I might actually have to work in an environment that felt just like my old office space. But after seven months of unemployment, after my parents had given me so many speeches over the past few weeks how I've become an embarrassment to the family name, and after realizing that I could never forgive myself if I didn't give it my all in the first hands-on technical test I've ever taken, I became determined to work as hard as I could and achieve as high of a score as possible. I walked in there confident that if I put my mind to it, I can get any job opportunity that I goddam wanted. There would be no excuses this time, and I was sure that I would stroll out with an offer in hand...

Wow, was my pride ever goddam fucked up the ass. Seriously, I had forgotten the feeling after all these months, of how much it hurts to put your blood, sweat and tears into something only to be fucking shot down with a smug smile on their face. Nice to be reminded, I guess...

And since I have nothing better to do before setting off on a weekend where first I have to meet my friend for his birthday tonight, next to drive off to Toronto to see my sister for her own birthday tomorrow evening, and then to get all my shit in gear by Sunday afternoon when it comes to starting this part-time job of mine and scheduling the Accounting courses I'll be taking at York University this summer term? Well, since I haven't done a cut and paste job from my Tweakui website for quite some time, I thought I might as well pull that lazy-ass nostalgic stunt out of the book here yet again, since I actually have nothing else to write and whine about for once. Sounds like fun, now doesn't it?...

... ahem...

"Happy Canada Day to my two readers out there, and of course Happy Early Fourth of July as well.

When it comes to my Tweakui website, I know I’ve been a complete lazy ass in terms of updates for the past couple of years, this year especially. But whenever it comes to Christmas or whenever it comes to Canada Day, I always take the time to say hello to you two readers out there, and to genuinely reflect on where I am and who I’ve become in life. And the sad state of affairs is, I’ve gone absolutely nowhere and grown not a single bit since I last wrote on this webpage of mine. Last November, I lost my job and I’ve been looking for the right direction in life ever since. I’ve been to a lot of interviews over the past seven months, and four of them definitely spring first thing to mind...

Back in January, I interviewed for a small dotcom firm in downtown Toronto. I forget what they’re called and I forget what they even do in the industry. All I do remember was that the HR Manager there who brought me in for the interview was very friendly, even going so far as to help me with my wool jacket at the time. We talked about a bunch of meaningless crap like Mats Sundin leaving the Maple Leafs and the Toronto Raptors failing at existence yet again. I actually did well when it came to all the behavioural questions, and I always get the same comments as I always do from every HR manager I ever interview with at a computer corporation, that I seem like a "great fit" and that I’m the kind of guy who would work well with the team that they have assembled there. I always get those comments, I always hear those compliments, but it’s the second half of the interview that always goes wrong...

It wasn’t long until the HR Manager delivered me to the technical lead of the company, and goddammit, he certainly pulled no punches when all was said and done. Without barely an introduction and an exchange of pleasantries, he got down straight to business. The first order of the day was for me to take a marker and write on the board a sample of programming pseudocode. I forget what the question was exactly, but I remember it dealt with checking for the letter "e" in an array of strings or some crap like that, requiring a For Loop and String.Contains at bare minimum...

Because I’m actually not that embarrassingly bad at generic programming and pseudocode on paper, I actually finished the question rather quickly and felt kind of smug with myself soon after. Bad mistake though, as that’s when the real questions started flying. He started asking why I had programmed it the way I did, how I can improve it, how could I modularize it, and all that other software maintenance and documentation crap. I had to justify why I used a built-in Java library, I had to try to program it two other ways for increased efficiency, and I had to go into all the details of how I would design both unit and characterization tests to make sure my function keeps working if new parameters need to be added in the future. It was the toughest pseudocode question I’ve ever dealt with, and you know what made me proud in the end? I think I actually handled it well. Bad mistake again though, I’m afraid...

When the pseudocode was over, that’s when the real technical interview began. He immediately started asking me questions about Agile Software Development and how it helps Object Oriented Programming. I actually have a lot of experience with that, so I went through the usual talk of morning scrum meetings, short iteration cycles and the Spiral Model in terms of functional requirements gathering. That was good, that was all fine, until I made the mistake of first mentioning that I have both Java and .NET experience, and then also brought up the subject of goddam databases. Seeing how technical of a guy he was, I guess I really should’ve known better...

For Java, he started getting into more technical details, asking about a lot of libraries and a lot of the newer functionality in the language, such as Generics which were added just a few years ago. Already I was starting to get lost, and that’s when he started on the .NET side of things, talking about assemblies and asking about all the differences between Java and .NET, to the point where I barely even remembered where I was anymore. Then he decided to push me even further, demanding me to explain to him how synchronization in Java works and how to resolve issues with deadlock when they arise with SQL Server. It’s not like I haven’t learned or heard about all this stuff before, but to suddenly be asked about it all on the spot and to explain it all with words and then flow chart diagrams in an interview you never expected to be this damn hard and burning in the goddam spotlight? WTF?...

Suffice to say, I didn’t get the job. Things went from bad to worse when he started discussing programming books and blogs online that he and his colleagues frequent, and then basically made me out to look like the complete uniformed tool when I didn’t know about half of the authors he was talking about in the end. It was a clear and clinical beat-down of my skills and pride, and I understand why he did it, considering one can argue the lost art of the interview is to make a person cry and beg for mercy until you realize what they truly have deep down inside...

Unfortunately for me this time around, this wasn’t actually a personality test. It was simply his brutish style to be as blunt and critical and goddam bastard-like as possible. He flat out told me that I don’t have the skills required, that I need more Java knowledge and .NET experience before I can even begin to interview for this job again, and that I need to stay a lot more informed on the current state of the industry with books and blogs before I should even think about interviewing at any real company in this day and age. He did however give me one compliment, that I did alright with the pseudocode part. He said it showed that I do have some intellect to learn with, but I’ve wasted all my potential and not developed my skills one damn bit. And ouch, wow, certainly harsh criticisms that nagged at my gut for a very long time, but I simply just shrugged it off and took it on the chin while I was there. What else was I supposed to do, afterall? Argue for a job at a place that was already making me feel like goddam utter shit? WTF?...

That interview was perhaps the hardest actual interview I’ve ever had in my life. Obviously, I wish I had gone in there more prepared in terms of optimizing SQL queries and writing watchdog semaphore programs in goddam Java. But at the same time, while I abhor that man who interviewed me for basically making me out to be a goddam idiot, I still have to thank him and the company for at least opening my eyes. While back in the glory days of computing, one could basically get a development job by simply being a competent programmer with a decent degree of education, I guess that’s simply not the truth anymore. As the interviewer told me straight to my eyes, it’s a "buyer’s market out there" during this goddam recession, and that I need to rise to the top of the pack if I ever want a chance at a career in the industry again. He warned me that if I wait too long to hone my skills, the time gap on my resume will simply become too large for HR to ignore, and if I don’t actually read and learn everything I can about the new age of software development, no real company would accept me when so many better workers have been laid off from big time companies over the past few months. It was a wake-up call alright, with the hardest but most honest interview I’ve ever been to in my life. I swore to learn from that experience, and in many ways I did....

... just not enough ways, apparently, otherwise I still wouldn’t be goddam unemployed to this very day...

I’ve had plenty of interviews over the past six months. I’ve had one at a big bank, I had a couple with Yahoo Canada before they went down under, and I even got a job offer from a small firm in the city of Hamilton (a job offer I turned down thanks to pressure from that goddam big bank, which all lead to me earning absolutely nothing in the end). I’ve definitely had my fair share of experiences, both good and bad, most of which I’ve already written about on my download website. But the next actual memorable interview that comes straight to my mind, for better or for worse, was the one I had at a rather large hospital, also in the city of Hamilton. It was at some sort of research centre for dermatology I think, I already forget the details actually. I would’ve had to work directly with MD’s and PhD’s as my clients, and I was actually excited at the prospect of being at a place that could potentially help the world. While that first company back in January was simply yet another Web 2.0 dotcom firm, this Hamilton Hospital was actually trying to help the planet in a positive way and I honestly really wanted to be a part and contribute to that...

Ha, I guess I felt that way until I met the man in charge of the development team at least. Right from the start, I knew something was wrong with the way he just goddam stared in horror at me. I’m not going to flat out guess that he was a racist or anything (I am of Chinese heritage), but in all honesty he definitely did seem suspicious of me at first. I can’t say I have any evidence to back my feelings up on this matter either, though I was hard pressed to find any East Asians in his development team from what I saw. Either way, short story short, I just knew from that first hand shake that something wasn’t right, that he simply did not like me for whatever goddam reason he may have had. It may not have been about the colour of my skin, but that first impression I gave him never really seemed to leave the interview room. He just didn’t like me for whatever goddam reason, and he definitely proved it later on...

The interview itself though went great. Thanks to that tough as nails January interview I had to go through, I pretty much was able to answer any technical question that this hospital interviewer had in mind. Whether we were talking about Decorator design patterns or the unsafe keyword in C#, I actually thought I did exceptionally well when responding to all his programming questions. I did get stumped on one part, when he was specifically asking about Reflections in .NET coding, but it was just one single question in a half hour interview. I actually left that hospital feeling good and rather proud of myself. For the first interview in a long while, I actually felt like I knew my stuff...

It wasn’t just the technical stuff that I answered well at. It was also the behavioural questions that I really felt I excelled at, enough so that I felt this was personally the best interview I had ever participated in. Something just felt off though, the way he looked at me just didn’t feel right when I was giving my answers. I don’t know, maybe he thought I was being fake or phony something, but I believed I objectively and rather honestly answered all his queries well and I especially sounded very learned and experienced with the Agile Software Development practices that he wanted to start implementing with his team. To be honest, after the interview, I thought I was the perfect candidate for this job and I actually believed I was a real good fit with both the team and the work environment. Still, I left that hospital with a nagging feeling in my chest that something wasn’t right, that for some damn reason, the man interviewing me simply did not like me for whatever goddam excuse. I was hoping I was wrong, I was praying that I was just being paranoid, but my gut feeling always seems to find a way to turn out goddam right...

It wasn’t long until I got a message back from the recruiter who had recommended me to this hospital developer, and the news he gave was certainly not good. As the pits of my gut had goddam predicted, the interviewer had turned my application down, not even with the chance at a second interview in front of a panel of MD’s and PhD’s. I asked the recruiter what was the issue, I wanted to know why I wasn’t the ideal candidate for this job. And after a short blurb of pulling at his teeth, he simply shrugged his shoulders and revealed to me the reason why. He had asked the interviewer if I had failed at the technical side of things, only to be told that I had all the programming skills and knowledge necessary for this job. The recruiter then had asked him if it was my personality that he didn’t like, and the interviewer claimed that I had answered all the behavioural questions perfectly, or so he claimed...

Completely confused and bewildered, the recruiter then succinctly and blatantly asked the interviewer why he didn’t like me, and you know what the guy replied in return? He simply shrugged his own shoulders apparently, reported that I was "not the right fit" for the position, then hung up the phone. Heh, I know the recruiter could have just been making this shit up, but I believed him and his story simply because that’s the exact same impression I was left with the moment I shook the interviewer’s hand. He honestly seemed afraid that I was a great candidate, he honestly seemed terrified that if I was given a second interview in front of the panel of PhD’s that they would love me, and so he shot me down when he still had the chance before anyone else had a say, so that I would never have the real opportunity to join his team. Now, I don’t know what his reasoning was, whether he felt I was phony or maybe he was holding the job for a friend or something. All I do know is that from the very first second he saw me and shook my hand before the interview had even started, he had decided that I was not the guy for the job, and I couldn’t help but laugh how right my gut feelings were in the end. I was done a favour; why would I ever want to work for him?...

The next interview fresh in my mind was also conducted by a goddam asshole, although I guess he was one in a completely different way. I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped into a little townhouse for a job interview in Brampton, a city just north of where I live. The place was cozy and the people working there seemed friendly. Alas, the man interviewing me certainly was anything but. When I asked him about the job and what he was hiring for, you know what the reason he gave me was? Apparently, he had just been hired himself one or two months earlier, and already he felt that he had to clean house. I don’t know why he told me all this, but he suddenly went on a rant how he felt all the current workers there were lazy and useless and completely out of date on current programming knowledge. He admitted that they were all excellent with the software IDE they had designed, but they knew nothing about where XML and .NET had gone over the past couple of years. He told me flat out straight to my face that he was looking for "more technical employees" and that he wanted to replace everyone in the office? WTF?...

Umm, okay? I had no idea why he was being so honest with me, or why he would ever admit any of this to an interviewee, but it sounds like he was hired to clean house and move the company in a new direction and that was exactly what he wanted to achieve. He started off by asking me a bunch of behavioural questions, all of which I answered quite well as I normally do. That spawned yet another rant from him, how I sound like many of the old workers there, as in good with clients and teamwork but not actually at the hard technical stuff. Sure, I nodded my head at him in pseudo-agreement, but in the back of my mind I was thinking what the hell is this guy smoking? Isn’t having an office full of competent workers who all get along with one another, and all having the social skills and personalities to be successful with clients and consumers, the goddam Holy Grail for software development hiring? He admitted that they were all well versed and experienced with the technology they currently have at the company, and yet he wants to fire them all and replace them with a bunch of social bigots just like he is? Seriously, WTF?...

He seemed to like me though, if only because I was nodding my head as if I didn’t think he was going to take a sub-machine gun and rip apart his goddam office. That’s when he gave me his technical test though, the one he claimed over the phone was so "easy" that if I have to prepare for it, then I don’t deserve the job. Well, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t get the job then with this Office Nazi, because his test was much harder than I anticipated. It wasn’t just a bunch of generic pseudocode and SQL queries like he originally had claimed. It actually had a lot of questions on CSS syntax (without the help of an internet reference guide), XML schema formatting, and goddam SQL Server normalization bullshit. It wasn’t the most brutal test I had been through, considering I got through most of the questions just fine. But as soon as he took a look at my paper while "grading" it and saw that I had to leave a few questions blank? He literally both laughed and shook his head at me, then brazenly started walking me through what the answers should have been, humming and whistling during it all like he was some goddam serial killer. WTF?...

Suffice to say, I didn’t get the job at that Brampton townhouse location, and I certainly felt bad how everyone else in that office would soon be losing theirs. The Office Nazi that interviewed me was insane, absolutely crazy nuts in the fucking head, and I was almost tempted to actually tell his employees the truth of what was going on until I realized he would probably cannibalize my damn face if I did. In the end, he simply shook my hand and told me that I was not technical enough for the job. I was surprised he didn’t lecture me, how I was an idiot from the ghettos like the rest of his current team or something, but I assume he simply didn’t want to bother wasting precious time and effort in talking to a lower being than him on the programming food chain. I was one of them now in his eyes, afterall...

In the end, I really didn’t want this Brampton job. I would’ve never wanted to work for a manager as stuck up as he was throughout the whole damn interview, just like I didn’t care for that small downtown dotcom firm that fucked me up the ass with their interview questions. For all three of the interviews I’ve mentioned in this update so far, the managers in each of them have proven to me that they’re not worth my time or my soul in working for them for anything less than a million fucking dollars. If I take a job, I want a worthwhile place to exist for 8 hours of the day..

And when it comes to this fourth and final interview on my list, this one being in Toronto where I had my second interview just yesterday? At first, I felt the exact same caution and apprehension about it as I did all three of those wretched, prior interviews I’ve already mentioned up above. I was nervous, I was scared, and I was disgusted. This was an advertising firm, and at this fourth interview of a hipster and trendy place, I thought the work environment was completely wrong for me, considering all the managers I saw were hot MILF women who actually bring their dogs to work every single day and sip wine in the afternoon. I thought I would never fit in at a place like this, where "Sarah the Secretary" in her short-skirt mini-dress was perhaps the hottest receptionist I had ever witnessed in my life, and where the good-looking artists and front-end designers in the open concept cubicles all dressed like they were straight out of the goddam movies. I was also intimidated by this office because the technical manager who interviewed me here last Thursday admitted straight to my face that this was truly a high octane environment, where the advertising season in the holiday months becomes so hectic that I’ll be working overtime every single night...

I was worried about this place, I honestly was. When I left that first interview, the manager there had honestly told me that thanks to my relaxed personality and my Agile Software Development experience, that if I do well on the technical test I had yesterday, he would actually hand me a job offer right then and there on the spot. And because of that, because of my sheer laziness and the goddam drama of trauma from my last job, I became terrified of working again in a place where I would have to pretend to be someone I’m simply not every day of week, in order to fit in with all the highly social coworkers and managers and goddam clients. And I sadly admit, thoughts started to slip in and out and back into my head again, of what if I simply bombed this test on purpose? What if I don’t actually try my hardest, what if I simply fail without regard and return back to my life of searching for a job that fits me best?...

But over the course of the weekend, I realized I would never forgive myself if I did such a thing. I realized that it was time to stop hiding, and time to start growing up in my life for goddam once. I mean seriously, they were offering me a 60K salary, three weeks vacation, and an opportunity to pad my resume with technologies such as Java, .NET and PHP. The job description itself sounded fantastic, the location in downtown Toronto was absolutely perfect for the commute, the secretary was certainly easy on the eyes, and it’s not like I haven’t survived in a similar type of work environment before. Why should I let my fears of working in a busy and trendy office space dictate whether I throw in the goddam towel or not? It’s been seven months now since I lost my goddam job. It’s time I achieved something in my life again, and I knew I had to do my best to earn this or else I would never live it down...

I guess though, that was the problem. I did try my best, and I did actually think I did well, which is why my pride was so hurt and I felt so goddam disappointed in the end. The technical test itself consisted of an hour with Visual Studio .NET and SQL Server 2008, in which case I had to create a simple validation form and then connect it to a database to update a couple of joined tables of tweets, then refresh a .NET GridView with the DataSet. That was it really, it’s all stuff I’ve done before when I worked with C# and web services at the government, and I actually thought I did it well. Sure, I was out of practice since I haven’t used .NET in the workplace for two years now, but I completed the technical test and I thought I did it well, to the point where I was even panicking that I’d be offered a full time opportunity as soon as that manager walked through the door again. I was so confident and paranoid that I would get this job, that it never once fucking occurred to me that I couldn’t have been more fucking wrong...

Because wow, seriously, what followed was certainly an embarrassing and epic beat-down by that guy in charge, enough so that maybe yesterday turned out to be the most painful interview process I’ve ever been forced to endure. It was insulting enough that I had to do a hands-on test, but to literally be insulted after about all my work? WTF? As soon as he waltzed through that door and took a look at my code, I knew something was wrong, and the non-stop criticism for the next fucking half hour was certainly proof of that. Sure, I had completed the required tasks at hand, but apparently the point of this test was more about the "art" of programming than anything else. I had used my own simple validation on the forms rather than regular expression controls, I had connected straight to the database using ADO rather than creating the proper module object that he wanted, I didn’t have enough time to properly document all my functions, and he tore me apart for how inefficient and damn simplistic all my queries to the database were...

He pretty much ripped apart every single line of code I had written, straight to the face without pulling any goddam punches, and seriously, what was the point of that? I had saved everything I had typed onto the computer, so he simply could have let me leave in peace and called me the next day after reviewing the results. But no, instead he had to hold me up there just so that he could feed his ego and tell me for the next half hour straight that I was a horrible programmer with absolutely "none of the skills required for the job". I do admit though, he gave me one single compliment amongst the hailstorm torrent of insults to my intelligence, namely that at least I "got farther than most people did who claim to have 10 years of experience or more". Guess that means something, but beyond that though, he simply just criticized me more and more how primitive my programming was, before going on a rant how it’s a lost art how people don’t remember how to code efficiently or write proper SQL queries any longer...

Seriously, in all my months and months of job searching, I have never once been this fucking humiliated and this fucking goddam embarrassed ever before in my goddam life. For half an hour, this technical manager wouldn’t shut the fuck up and I had to take it all on the chin with a smile as he ripped my coding style more and more with every passing second of that wasted day. If only I hadn’t actually tried on the test, if only I hadn’t actually been naive and foolish enough to start believing that I had actually earned this job, maybe my pride and my ego wouldn’t have been so hurt as it was yesterday afternoon. But seriously though, what was the point of keeping me there for half a fucking hour of brutal, blunt criticism the afternoon before fucking Canada Day? What was the point of it all? So that I can learn my lesson after he literally laughed at the prospect that I would even ask for this job? WTF?...

The moment that I left that interview room, I realized and chuckled to myself that I felt the very same pathetic way as I did when I exited that other downtown office long ago, all the way back in January, as the dejected failure that I still fucking am. It was the exact same fucking shit, just a different fucking month, and I was just as naive now as I was all the way back then. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I walked into that interview room yesterday afternoon convinced that I would be leaving with a job offer in hand, to work in an environment that I simply did not want to be in. I do know I would’ve taken the job if they had given me a respectful offer, so I guess that manager did me a favour by making the goddam hard decision for me. If I had simply bombed the test on purpose, if I didn’t put my heart into and if I didn’t goddam try my best, I guess I wouldn’t feel the kind of shit that I honestly feel right now. But I did try my hardest, I did put my heart into it, and I even mistakenly thought I had done fucking well. I was as foolish yesterday afternoon as I was all those bloody months ago. Do I ever goddam learn?...

So what now for me? I lost the chance at Yahoo Canada, I lost the chance at working at a big bank, I’ve most recently lost the opportunity to work as a senior developer back at the government, and now I’ve failed yet again at earning the kind of job that I know I could’ve done well if given the opportunity to learn. The only remaining option on the table for me right now is to return to school, as I’ve been accepted to the Certified Management Accounting program at York University in Toronto. I guess I need to select my courses soon before second summer term classes start late next week. A few days ago, I was killing myself over the decision whether to return back to the workforce at that advertising firm or to try to change industries with more university education. I guess I should be happy then that the technical manager made the difficult decision for me. I certainly did learn my lesson this time around...

At least I never did throw in the towel. At least I know I tried my hardest. And at least I now know where I stand, even if it’s in the humiliating spotlight as the dumbass programmer who’s simply too incompetent to find a job...

So suffice it to say, it’s been quite the bitter and depressing and goddam embarrassing Canada Day for me. I just hope and pray though that by the Fourth of July, I remember just who I am again and where I want to be in life...

Happy Recession Day then, I guess."

Y2kk Update: It's been a while since my last update. For the first time in a long while, I can honestly say it's because I've actually been busy...

It all started when my friend came from North Carolina. After he spent four days here and I spent almost four hundred dollars going to dinner and watching movies with him, I had an interview the day he left with the provincial government division that I used to work at more than two years ago. That first day there was a technical test, written in Microsoft Word since it was administered by someone who didn't even know what software development was. I screwed up half of the questions but I got called in for an in-person interview anyways, where I thought I did really well in terms of behavioural questions but I guess I just couldn't hack it when it came to all the hardcore technical crap. I was fine when it came to the software development cycle, design patterns and most of the usual object oriented shit. But there were some other processes that I didn't really know about and couldn't talk my way through, and in the end the job went to somebody else just last week...

I really wish I had gotten that government job. I know it's sad that I would like a sorry and safe career at a place where everyone acts like an asshole towards me, but at least that's kind of a work environment that I can stand, where I don't have to put on a fake front of a face every single goddam morning of the day. I can just be myself and get the job done, which is all I've ever wanted from a career. As much as I hated the incompetence and the irrational anger that my managers continually demonstrated at my last job, I also absolutely loathed the fact that I had to deal with artsy people day in and day out every single goddam week. I hate pretending to be someone that I'm not, but I also can't stand the fact if nobody there will goddam respect me. I absolutely don't want to ever be asked to go out drinking or to hang out at their BBQs after work on the weekends. I know I'm being anti-social here, but I have my own friends that I care for and I want nothing to do with those that I have to deal with every day at work. I just want a comfortable job where I can be myself, by myself, and the government would've provided me that...

If I had gotten an offer sheet from the government, I would've signed that paper almost right away. No matter what the pay would've been (although I assume it would've been substantial, maybe 70K since it was a senior full time position), I would've just been happy to be working with .NET and SQL Server technology again in a work environment that I know I can stand with the kinds of people I actually do miss. But since I screwed up in that in-person interview, my fallback plan has always been to go to York University for a Certified Management Accountant Certificate. I don't know if computer programming is what I want to do for the rest of my life, especially after I've failed so many times to get into the big blue chip companies that I feel I would actually be comfortable and successful in. If there's any other industry out there that I think I can have a relatively satisfactory and safe life, it's being a CA in Accounting or to use a CMA to be a development manager at a computer firm or something. I'm sick of being the grunt at a small office who gets kicked in the groin every single goddam day. If I do have to work at another place like my old corporation was like, at the very least then I want to be the one doing the goddam kicking to the nuts...

Even York University hasn't been any less frustrating to me than all my goddam job interviews. The school was late on my acceptance into the Accounting program, enough so that I missed the start date for the first term of summer. I thought that was the end of it, I thought I would've had to delay my entry foray back into university until at least the fall, but it turns out that there's a second summer semester that I can partake in as long as it provides some of the courses I need for my certificate. I didn't like how to I had to attend a two hour meeting at 9 am at the goddam University in order to be told of this information, but now that I know it, I do still have the option this summer to finally start school again and maybe change careers for the better. The only real lingering issue is, there are a hell of a lot of courses I need to take in order to earn my CMA. After going through the boring ass info meeting, it turns out I need a bare minimum of 22 courses in order to be eligible for the CMA test in the first place, which requires at least two years full time at the school. Is a fallback plan really worth that long of a commitment?...

That's where my latest job interview comes into the picture. This week I had an interview downtown, literally only a minute walk away from my old corporation (or what was left of the old office after it closed down). This place that I was at, it's an advertising firm where it basically felt like an exact replica of my old company, only on steroids it seems as everything was bigger and louder and more glaring in the eyes. If there was any positive, it was that the brunette of a receptionist there was probably the hottest secretary I've ever personally seen in my life. I was kept waiting in the lobby for almost half an hour due to a delay or something, but I guess there have been worse uses of my time than to watch a gorgeous girl fold jeans while wearing a goddam short skirt. And I suppose it's not such a bad thing that they allow anyone to bring their dogs to the office every single day of the week, simply because they're trying to have such a casual and friendly environment, I guess...

But you see, that's where I start having goddam problems with my insecurity and my innate desire to simply be left alone. In this kind of workplace, everyone is supposed to provide the cool kind of small talk and everyone is supposed to have similar personalities to get along. The interviewer even said they're looking for the "right fit" for the company and that I seem to be just that, except it's obvious to me that deep down inside that I'm not. I'm the bitter, lonely and angry nerd when push comes to shove, not the smooth talking, business-like chump that I mask my face with whenever I'm in an interview or whenever I meet a new stranger. I'm fine with dealing with artsy people for a few days or weeks of my life, but for the next goddam foreseeable years of my career? I've already been down this road before at my old company. I can't take this kind of bullshit pressure on a daily basis. I hate having to seem like someone else to fit in with these kinds of people, I honestly do...

Of course, I can simply tell myself that there's no need to put on that mask, that I can simply be myself and maybe the people there of the exact opposite spectrum of personalities will simply accept me for who I am. But anyone who's been in the workforce for a sizable amount of time knows the truth to that. If I'm an old skool, boring ass, alcohol-free nerd who just wants to sit in his cubicle and work on his projects all day by himself, it always clashes with the hippie-style artists on the other side of the room, not to mention the managers who are all trying to get everyone to work well together, as they never quite tolerate the quiet member of the team. Every office is much like high school, where groups and cliques form and fight amongst one another, except in this place I really do fear that I'll be completely alone. Not only that, but even the interviewer admitted that this was a real high octane environment, one where the most work comes around the Christmas season when I may have to work overtime and weekends during what I consider to be the most important family time of the year. Is this what I really want?...

That's where my greatest source of conflict and confusion right now lies. On the one hand, I'm really afraid of this job, as I just don't think it's the right fit for me, personality wise. I've been there and done that before at my old company, and ended up hating both myself and everyone else I ever knew at the place when all was said and done. But on the other hand, this building I interviewed at is not my old company, the managers that met with me are not the same assholes that I knew before, and maybe it really will be different this time around for me in the end. Maybe what I really do need is a fresh start and maybe this time around I can prevent the kinds of mistakes that I've made before in the goddam past. I know I'm terrified of taking this job if I do get an offer this coming week, but I also know that a lot of my fear and apprehension stems from the fact that I'm simply too goddam lazy and goddam intimidated to go back to work. A month ago I was complaining how I didn't feel like I fit into York University as well, and while that still feels like the truth, I also know my paranoia is mainly because I'm simply terrified as a 27-year old graduate to return back to undergraduate studies. So where do I honestly feel like I fit in better, back at university or at an advertising firm that reminds me so damn much of my old workplace? I'd like to think York, simply because I do want the chance to change my career, but do I really have what it takes to go the full two years or is this simply yet another goddam excuse not to go back to work?...

It's not just my future career that's been keeping me busy for the past two weeks. So many things have happened now that worlds are colliding, hands are shaking and all quantum threads in my life seem to be goddam converging. My brother came over last night to make the big announcement to this family, one that I'll happily share once it becomes fully official in a few weeks time. Suffice to say, while I've been busy helping him over the phone and personally in his life quite a lot for the past month now, it's only going to get more and more busy as the months go on from here on out. My cousin from Queen's University has also returned back home and I've been hanging out with him a lot now that my best friend has returned to North Carolina. I guess though that the biggest elephant in the room was the fact that my sister had to leave late last week for her MBA program at Kellogg's near Chicago. I drove for two hours in goddam rush hour traffic and zero visibility from a thunderstorm in order to treat her to dinner, so that she wouldn't be alone on the night she had to fly out for a new country. Ha, I think I almost died when I stupidly changed lanes without even thinking about it between two giant trucks in the middle of a torrent of lightning and rain at night. It was worth it though to see my sister before she had to head off for the airport. I wish her the best and I hope this is what she wants...

And things don't really get any easier for me when it comes to the next few weeks. Not only did I miss out on two of my cousins' birthdays the past few weeks, which I'll have to make up for someday down the road, and not only will I have to celebrate with my brother when his big day arrives in the weeks to come, but my sister is also returning from Chicago next Saturday in order for us to celebrate her birthday. And not only do I have to decide between York University and this advertising firm soon if I do get an offer from them this coming week, but I also have finally heard back from my old mentor and supervisor at the government when it comes to the part-time server management job that he told me about three months ago. I've started tinkering and testing with the software package now, but since I haven't signed any agreements for confidentiality or pay yet, I haven't done much yet as of today. I better get started at it though, since I gave him my word that I would do the job for now regardless of how many hours I get paid, as I need this consulting position and his name for my goddam resume in the end...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? For the first time in a long while in my life, I actually do feel busy again. I still have plenty of free time for now though. But if I have to take both a full time job and this part time one, we'll see when my next update will be...

I don't know what I want to do right now. But my gut feeling is telling me, to ignore the fear I feel and to just move on with my goddam life...

Easier said than done, I know, but it won't be long until I actually have to make a real decision for once...

Y2kk Update: I've been unemployed for so long now that I forgot what it feels like to be busy. Now that I finally remember, I wish I hadn't...

This past weekend, my close friend from North Carolina came to visit me here in the Toronto area. I shouldn't just say he's my close friend, he's really my best friend and perhaps my only true friend after everything that has happened to me over the past few months. I was laughed at by all the coworkers I trusted, and was ignored by my longest lasting friend for months. So yeah, I absolutely had a great time with my best friend here, even if I was dead tired and half asleep most of the days we were out. Whether we were watching movies like Up and Star Trek or getting my ass kicked in Wii games such as Tiger Woods and Mario Kart, I honestly had a great time and probably the most fun I've had in months...

There's always an ugly silver lining for me though, and that was simply when he had to leave. Having him here reminded me of just how close of friends we were back in high school and for a few of those years after that, but since then? Since then, what has really happened in my life? My best friend had to move away, all my university friends ignore my e-mails every time I send them a letter these days, and I can't trust any of the other people I've come to know over the past few years, whether they're from work or anywhere else that I've met someone new. Basically, seeing my best friend off and having him return to North Carolina really did remind me of how progressively alone I've become since goddam school ended, and it's only going to get worse from here. Especially now that my family is moving apart, or at least literally in this sense...

My sister announced this past week that she has decided to take the offer from the Kellogg's MBA program at Northwestern University. She's already rented an apartment in the Chicago Greater Area and she'll be going down to the States for an entire year of schooling by the end of next week. I know I've never been close to my sister, I know that she and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but she's still my sister and I will always love and miss her simply because I care about my family so very much. This move to Chicago is only the first of potentially many years apart, considering my brother-in-law wants to move to Hong Kong and my sister will naturally follow him as soon as her tenure at Northwestern University is done. For all I know, she may never come to live nearby the rest of this family again for the rest of her life...

I spent Thursday through Tuesday with my best friend when he was here visiting, and I'll be kept busy again this weekend when I see my sister for lunch and dinner on Friday. Then she'll be coming home one last time for an early Father's Day celebration on Sunday, I believe. Now I'm sure she'll be bored as hell when she'll be here, considering she's never been one to sit down with the parents and actually have a meaningful conversation. But considering she is moving away to Chicago and she won't even be home for her own birthday, it's necessary for her to say her goodbyes. We'll be visiting our remaining grandparents I'm sure, and I'll make sure to bring her to my grandfather's tombstone for her to bid her farewells. And considering all the other changes I've had in my life, from my brother moving to his new condo uptown to my close cousin joining the ranks of medical school over at Queen's, I guess I've never felt more goddam alone in my entire life. I knew this might happen after university was done and over with, but I guess knowing and believing are always two very separate and distant things...

I've mentioned before how without work, I've been meaning and wanting to bring new people into my life. I decided to return back to university, this time for an Accounting Certificate at Toronto's York University, half because I might want to switch from my computer industry, and half because I guess I desire on some level what my brother already has. He not only found a great career thanks to his business degree at York, but also found the love of his life there when he least suspected it. Of course I would want that for myself, how could anyone not? As a graduate of the University of Toronto, I guess I always looked at my brother with kind of jealous and envious eyes. He received from university everything that he wanted in life, when all I got instead was a worthless paper of a degree. I've felt alone for so long now, and with no employment in sight, I figured there wasn't a reason not to return to school, if only to try to find my place in this world once more...

Things didn't exactly go as planned though, as I guess they never do when I try to take charge. After my initial online application, I guess I made a horrible goof in not realizing that I had to pay an extra ten bucks (on top of the original $90 application fee) to get my official transcript sent from the University of Toronto up to York. Because of this oversight on my behalf, my application wasn't processed until this past Monday afternoon, in which case finally I was accepted to York University for the mature student certificate course. The only problem was, didn't business classes already start this week for the summer term? My original goal was to take a couple courses these next few months, courses that might actually be applicable to my current career path of becoming a technical manager or some crap like that in a computer company. I was hoping to actually take management and finance classes that would actually teach me the things that I do want to learn, but obviously a wrench was thrown into my plans if I've already missed one or two weeks of goddam introductory lectures and tutorials...

I visited York University yesterday after I dropped my friend off at the airport and met my sister for lunch. It took me about an entire bloody hour in order to figure out where I actually had to go to set up my enrollment appointment, but finally after being pointed in the wrong direction by four or five different fucking information centres, I had earned the goddam privilege to wait in line for another half an hour or some crap like that at my final destination. When it eventually became my turn to speak, the person behind the desk was absolutely shocked to hear that I was given entry to the summer term after courses had already been running for a week. While she was calling people behind the scenes to figure out what the hell to do with my application acceptance, I was forced to wait on hold for another ten or fifteen minutes in frustration from this university that was somehow already pissing me off more than my last. Finally word came through that a meeting had been set for me at nine in the morning this coming Friday, but I don't know if I was more upset in the end than relieved. Yes, they were granting me entry into the summer term like I had originally applied for, but is this really what I want now after I have missed an entire week of classes or more?...

The thing is, more than the fact that I missed out on all the information from the first lectures I've already lost, I think the thing that scares me most is that I would be the random nobody that would walk into the classroom a couple weeks late when all the friends and alliances and groups within the courses have already been set amongst each peer. I mean, I do want to go to York University, I do want to return back to my educational roots, simply because I want to meet new people and I want to make new contacts, especially considering this is a business school I am now attending. What's the point of joining the classes late then, when it's not really the course material that I wanted to concentrate on in the first place? I'm still planning to go to this meeting on Friday, but I don't intend to fork over my credit card and pay almost six hundred bucks a course in order to walk into them late and have everyone shun me because they have no bloody hell clue who I am. I want things to be different than they were before at university, but walking into those classrooms late would simply be repeating history all over again...

It's more than that though, and I hope this is just my fears compounding and my paranoia intimidating me like it always does. But really, when I was at York University, when I was searching the buildings and asking around for directions, I just couldn't help but feel lost. Granted, that was expected, but I certainly didn't feel excited or nervous in a good way about it at all. Everywhere I looked, I saw guys and girls all around that were so much younger than I am, and they all had that sort of carefree look on their faces that I wish I still had. Everywhere I glanced, I saw couples together and gaggles of friends synchronized in unison, the kind of stuff I miss from my days at university but also the stuff I realize I've moved past in my life as well. I really felt like such an afterthought of an awkward presence there on campus, like I truly did not belong. I understand that returning to university is always a daunting issue, especially after so many years gone and after being so embarrassed by the working world since I left. But even knowing all this, I still couldn't help but ask myself, is this what I truly do want? To try to blend in and mix with people that I consider in my mind to be kids, to try and fit in with those who don't give a real shit about their futures yet? I wanted to join university again to meet new contacts and find new friends, but are these the kinds of friends that I want to be with?...

My line of thinking right now, both logically and emotionally, is to back out of the summer term but keep my options open for full time status in Fall. I know I'm irrationally scared of trying to return to school, especially now that I see and feel how old I am in comparison to everyone else around me. It's not just the age differential that frightens me, it's the fact that I feel I have nothing in common with the people I saw around me, even less so than I ever felt at the University of Toronto (which was a nerd's school and will forever be a nerd's school). I dunno, maybe I will start feeling a lot more comfortable with my new campus surroundings as soon as I step into my first classrooms and say hello to the first new people I will have met in months. The first step is always the hardest step, I know that from goddam experience at least. But still, I swear it felt like more than just irrational fear and paranoia when I was looking at all the young faces around me. I completely had the gut feeling that not only did I not belong, but that I probably never will there. This is not my world anymore, and there was a reason why I left it in the first place...

Look, I'm just going to come out and admit the obvious, if I haven't already. The reason that I chose to go back to university was not just to have something new on my resume and it wasn't just to meet new friends, but it was mainly because I can't stand seeing the face of the girl I still care for from work every single damn morning of the day. I try to avoid thinking of her, I try to pretend like I don't still dream of her when I'm asleep at night, but nothing seems to help me move past her and nothing ever helps me to forget her face. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I know it's probably all just from my deep rooted longing to find true love and to believe that nothing else in life is meaningful. But I'm sorry, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just can't help how I feel. I don't know if I was ever truly in love with her or simply the ideal of her and of the perfect woman who could come to love me. I know that she was probably never that image of a woman that I had in my head in the first place. And I know she rejected me, I know that she put me in the goddam friend zone, and I know that she left me for the rest of her life a long time ago. But none of that helps me to stop thinking of her every single time I wake up in the morning. Knowing all this never ever fucking helps...

I signed up for university because my brain keeps telling me to simply move on with my life. There's no logical reason to ever assume that this girl is the one and only woman for me, that there isn't anyone else in the world that I can fall in love with. I had plenty of crushes back in university, so why not find a nice rebound girl and finally move on with my goddam life? More than the schooling, more than the new friends and career contacts, what I wanted most from university was the chance and the probability of finding someone new and finding someone special, to finally make me feel whole again like I felt before I met and lost this girl at work. I guess, I wanted to feel sure and strong and confident in myself again, or at least as much as I felt when I last left university. In the past, I've always fallen for the girls I've simply gotten to know and talk with in proximity. Even if it hasn't happened since I met the girl from work all those years ago, why can't it happen again?...

But when I was walking around that university campus, when I was glancing at every young face and every single person I could see, I couldn't help but feel that gut-wrenching churning in my stomach that I was making a terrible mistake. What my brain wants is for me to move on with my life, to find someone new, because rationally there is no reason why there would be only one woman for a man in his entire damn life. But my heart, while still so damn wounded from everything that has happened over the past couple of years, still does not want to let go of the hope that she really is the love of my life, that she really is the woman that I can spend the rest of my life with. I know on the surface that everyone assumes the same about their first love, that everyone does believes in true love until hormones kick in. But deep down inside, in the pits of my gut where my feelings cannot be denied? I can't help but feel like I'm betraying who I am, that I'm turning my back on the person that I'm really meant to be with. Even if I know it will never happen, I have to say that every single fibre of my very being wants her back. I know I never had her in the first place, I know we were really nothing more than friends, but I still miss her, I swear to God that I do. There's nothing more in the entire fucking world that I want than to have her back and to see her smile. I just want my old life back, that's what I really want...

But she was the one who laughed in my face when I told her how I felt two years ago. She's the one who, after returning from her trip to Malaysia, told me straight to my eyes that she had yet to meet the kind of man that she could ever fall for. She was the one who after a summer of incidents thanks to my petty jealousy, chose to ignore me for the next year at the office except for work and pleasantries, and she even apologized for it before deciding on her choice. She was the one who refused to go out with me the night that she quit her job, she was the one who yelled at me when I tried to talk with her at the Christmas celebrations, and she's the one who wrote to me that if I can't get over my clingy crush on her, then maybe we shouldn't even be friends. She's the one who even after my grandfather passed away, told me after I treated her out to hot chocolate and a gift from her past, that she didn't have enough time to see me again until at least a few months down the road. She's the one who was always too busy to speak with me for even five minutes over the goddam phone. And she is the one, lest I ever forget, who after I asked if she would contact me the moment she had enough time, lied to me those fateful words of "okay, I will", only to never be heard from again. She is the one who chose to leave me. She is the one who decided that I was not the one for her. How can I ever forget?...

If you love someone, set them free, but she never fucking returned. I haven't heard from her since January, not a single phone call or e-mail, not even to check up to see if I was still alive after all these months of being alone. I have no clue what she's doing, whether she found someone else to fall in love with or if she still simply believes that love is not necessary to live a real life. She was the woman who opened my eyes and showed me that there is so much more to this existence than just waking up in the morning, spending your day at work, then chatting with a few friends before going to bed to repeat the same damn process over and over again. She was the one who made me realize that there is so much more that I want in life than to just go to school, find new contacts to further my career, and walk out with another useless piece of paper that does nothing to make me content in life. I haven't been happy since the last time I think she was happy with me, but I know that's not the case with her. She told me so many times that she's content. She's fine without me, she always has been and I'm sure she always will be. How is that fair, and how then can I ever believe that she is the one for me if I've never been the one for her? I don't know, but I can't help how I feel...

I miss her. I want nothing more in my life than to have her back. But she's fine without me, and she's fine with her choice to leave me. It was her decision, and I have to respect that. I can't contact her in good conscience until she gives me a sign. I've waited four months now for something, just anything to give me a reason to call her again, but I've heard nothing but silence. And I know it'll stay that way, simply because this is the way that things are meant to be. I cannot ruin her life simply because my love for her has ruined mine. I care for her too much to put her through the same pain and frustrations that I did before. She chose to leave me, and I need to live with it, no matter what...

It's been a long time since I felt this busy. I've had my best friend over in my house for the past six days, I'll be meeting my sister as much as possible before she sets off for school in Chicago, I still have birthdays for two of my cousins to attend these next few weekends, I have this whole fiasco with York University to deal with in the days to come, and I'm finally getting some of those job interviews again that I haven't had en masse since the January and February months ended. I finally have things to do again, and yet I still feel as lost and hopeless as I did before, simply because all of them are nothing more than my lame attempts at running away from what truly means something in my life...

It may have been a long time since I felt this busy, but my sense of loneliness has never been lost. I'm sure I will go to university again, whether it's this summer or fall, because I have to move on with my life. It may feel like the biggest mistake of my life, but I have to do it...

I realized this week that I don't want to move on, that it's not what I truly do hope for. But what other choice do I have?...

I can't have what I want. The most I can do then, is forget...

Y2kk Update: My life is going nowhere, even at sixty kilometres per fucking hour...

A perfect example of how my existence is stuck in neutral? On Friday, I spent pretty much the entire day at the mechanic's. We've done business with his small little shop before, so I trusted him and his advice. For the past month now, our Ford minivan (cue 'found on road dead' jokes) has been making high-pitched squealing sounds whenever it exceeds fifty kph or more, almost as if it was ready to jump back in time or some shit like that. I'm talking about a constant racket here, enough so that it pretty much turns every disgruntled head racing towards the car, friendly glare or not. With my friend from Charlotte flying here in about a couple weeks, I wanted to make sure that this problem was gone so that he would feel safe (or as safe as he could feel with me driving at the helm) whenever we're in the vehicle. I had no problem with spending over three hundred dollars out of my wallet to get the car fixed here and now, even though the mechanic couldn't quite place what the problem was. All indications seemed to point to a rusty rear brake rotor and broken down brake pads though, so that's exactly what I decided to order...

I got to the mechanic around noon on Friday. He was busy with other customers and that was fine, it was his skill and price that I trusted, so I was willing to wait the couple of hours that I did until he finally was ready to take a look under the wheels of the minivan. Like the last time I was there, he recommended a full replacement of the rear brakes, citing that they were rusted beyond belief and the brake pads were worn down to the point that they were probably giving the squealing sounds as a warning signal. After doing basic internet research the morning before, I couldn't help but agree with his assessment. He gave me an estimate of $230 for the entire job, which was over a hundred dollars lower than the next best estimate that we got from anywhere else. So of course I gave him the go-ahead to start repairs on the vehicle right away, and I set off to finally get some lunch at a nearby rundown mall, about a twenty minute hike away...

That's when the bastard called me on my cellphone, when I was already halfway down the road to my goddam luncheon destination. He quickly reported that his initial estimate was wrong, that the repairs would actually rack up $330 instead, and he asked whether it was alright for him to start on them or not. I couldn't believe what I heard, he jacked up the estimate by a hundred frickin' dollars? Seriously? I know that this new cost was still slightly lower than his competitors, but what happened to the amazing deal he was offering me before? I hate being made a fool of, I hate tactics such as this where he probably conveniently waited for me to leave before telling me the real price. So I stormed back to his mechanical lair (starving stomach and all), demanding an explanation. Problem was, he had left for lunch as well, goddam bastard...

I chose to wait for him for the next hour and a half, practically killing myself in the process, until the guy finally returned. I then asked him for an explanation for the price hike, and he simply and callously shrugged, "I couldn't get the parts at the original price". Well, I'm sorry, that wasn't good enough. He had made me wait two hours in the morning and then another hour and a half for his lunch break, all so that he could try to take advantage of me by giving almost the exact same fucking price as any other mechanic would have? I refused to pay for the estimate at hand, and even though it was only a pittance of a difference, I demanded that he knock off at least thirty dollars or else I simply take my car and walk (or drive). He tried to play hardball at first, knowing full well how long I had waited for that estimate, and he even put back all the tires onto the minivan until he finally realized I wasn't giving a shit about his strategy, and he agreed to give me the three hundred dollar price I was asking for. Hell, I probably could have gone lower at that point and I probably deserved to save more of my cash after what he had done to me that afternoon, but all I was asking for was a compromise between what he had initially offered and what he had tried to fool me with after. He finally conceded, and I signed the bill in relief before running like a madman to the nearest fast food joint...

I was feeling fairly decent with myself afterwards when all was said and done. I waited in the nearby mall for about two hours until I got the phone call that my vehicle was ready. The mechanic was cursing at me in his own language from what I heard, but a deal was a deal and judging from the bill, I didn't actually cut into his labour profits by much at all. I took a quick glance at the new brakes through the tires and everything looked fine and pristine. I thanked him earnestly for the compromise and work he gave, I shook his hand in honest appreciation, and then I took the car for a test drive and everything seemed right and proper in the world once more. I swiped my credit card, paid the bill in full, and after I had just gotten far enough away from the mechanical garage that it wasn't worth it anymore to turn the fuck around?...

That's when the car started squealing like mad fucking hell again. WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

So all in all, and all good things? I had spent about six fucking hours of my day at the mechanical shop, haggling and busting my ass against a guy trying to take advantage of a young fool desperate for a car fix, only for me to realize on the very fucking ride home that the car was still fucking screeching like a goddam banshee? Seriously, WTF? Was it not the rear brakes that were the problem, even though the mechanic had supposedly checked the belt system and the front brakes and determined they were both fine? Could it be that there are busted joints or some sort of crap somewhere around the car, now making me even more terrified to take this goddam vehicle out on the road? Or was it that the mechanic was simply pissed off enough at this naive-looking kid who actually forced him into a price compromise, humiliating him to the point where he did a half-assed job fixing the only fucking problem that I brought the van to him for in the first place? WTF?...

What's the moral of the story here? Every single time I finally get off my ass and put effort into improving or repairing something in my life, I always end up back at square fucking one. I know I should try harder, I know I should never give up, but where has all my efforts taken me in life so far? What do I really have to show for it, except a car that still howls in the pale moonlight like a moose in heat, and a fucking cost of three hundred fucking dollars to my name during my goddam fucking unemployment?...

Anyways, I forget if I mentioned that the old company that I worked at, the one where I was forced to quit simply because I couldn't stand the sight of everyone else being laid off around me, was finally sold and bought out by a moderately large tech company in Richmond Hill. For the sake of simplicity, I'll simply call them "OT", although it might be easy to google their name knowing their initials and location. It was back in March that this company finally bought out my old corporation, and I was contacted in order to sell my eleven fucking dollars worth of options in the company. And yes, it's true, I surprisingly actually did get a cheque for eleven fucking dollars in the goddam mail, which was a strange gesture considering the goddam postage stamps probably cut into most of the ex-CEO's damn profits. But there's more to the story than that...

I probably did mention this, but an old colleague of mine recommended that I submit my application to this new company, to join the new team they were developing with my old company's technology in mind. I did so at first by applying through the OT website, until I was told by my former head of HR that all potential applications had to go through my goddam ex-CEO first. As in, if I wanted a job at the new company, I had to first get the approval and recommendation from the same goddam fucktard who forced me to quit my job and left me without a shred of severance pay during a goddam recession. I knew where this line of questioning was going, but I bit the humiliation bullet anyways and confirmed my name for the application process. And naturally, I never heard from my ex-CEO or the HR manager ever again. I tried to follow-up, I think twice with e-mails and once over the phone, and I got absolutely nothing but silence (though probably an evil laugh in the distant background). As far as the former owner of the company was concerned, he really did have the last laugh. He confirmed I was still unemployed, and I had basically begged him for a goddam job back. Cruel, vindictive bastard that he is, I bet he shared the news with those peers of mine whom he did hire. They were already laughing at me before when I chose to quit my job. Why shouldn't they laugh again now?...

A couple weeks ago, I got a surprising e-mail from that same company, OT, except this time it was from one of their human resource representatives. I had completely forgotten about that first application I had accidentally sent to them through their website, and the HR woman was asking if I was available for an interview. She directly mentioned that my credentials were good and that my experience appeared adequate for the job. It was then that my suspicions got the best of me, and I asked her if she knew that her company had not only bought out my previous corporation, but also hired a team of my former peers. She didn't confirm with me at the time whether she already knew this information or not, but she did admit she would ask around about my name. That was the end of that phone conversation. A couple days later, before we were to schedule an in-person interview, she wrote back to me with a rather cryptic e-mail. She simply stated, "Sorry, it turns out you do not have the qualifications for this position". That was it. Wait, that was all? Seriously, she confirmed with me twice before that she was looking forward to proceeding to the in-person interview step, and then all of a sudden, she cuts off all communication with me? WTF?...

I tried to follow-up with her, I tried to even ask for an explanation as to why I suddenly did not have the credentials to even merit an interview at OT. She never replied, she never contacted me back, but I think the answer was obvious though, and it was all thanks to my big mouth. I told her about the team of my peers at her current company, simply because I would never want to work in a place with a hostile environment. I'm sure that after our phone conversation, she e-mailed around and got a few references and opinions on the kind of worker and person that I am. Unfortunately for me, I'm sure that my worst fears were confirmed, that my former peers were laughing behind my back, that they never wanted to see me again, and that they really had no qualms about saying negative things about me when I'm still trying to find a goddam job...

If my ex-CEO was contacted (last time I heard, he became a manager at OT), then I'm sure his ego was fed again by the fact that I was still goddam paycheck-less after all these months, and that once again my fate was tied to his bloody hell hands. And if he was asked about me, I'm sure he said as many negative things as he could possibly think of to keep me down, he's simply the kind of vengeful bastard to do such a thing. There was no way I wanted to work in a company with a bunch of old coworkers who would make life a living hell for me, so I made sure to bring up my history with them in order to make sure questions would be asked. If the HR representative had asked around and still wanted an in-person interview with me, maybe I could stomach working in that environment, knowing that either my old peers weren't mocking me when it mattered or that the management there simply has much more faith in my personality and skills than my old company ever had. Maybe I should've been more confident and more bold and simply walked into that place regardless of how many of my old coworkers would burn holes into the back of my head with their stares, but I'm just not that type of guy. Do I want a job, preferably one in a solid company like OT? Absolutely, yes. But no career is worth to me a room full of enemies and an all-too familiar and uncomfortable feeling for years to come...

Maybe I'm imagining things, maybe the HR representative was somehow telling the truth and thanks to the recession, the requirements for the job at hand had suddenly gone way up. Then again, what are the chances that such a thing would happen just two days after she confirmed me for an in-person interview? What are the odds that I would suddenly be kicked to the curb for a legitimate reason just two days after I told her about my prior relationship with the new team now working at her company? I'm not lamenting the loss of another job opportunity, as like I mentioned before, no career is worth it to me if I'm stuck in a hostile environment where I simply cannot be comfortable. But I really can't stand the thought that my ex-CEO and all the goddam peers I've alienated these past few months, have not gotten just one chance but two fucking opportunities to fucking laugh behind my back at how fucking pathetic I really am. They're the ones with jobs, while I'm the one begging for a seat at their table. I left myself to their mercy not just once but twice, and got bitch-slapped both occasions by the people I once considered to be friends. The one I used to go out with for lunch every single day, he now works at OT and was already laughing about my stupidity when I last spoke to him in winter. I haven't heard from him since, not since he joined the others, and I guess I prefer for it to stay that way...

So where does that leave me? All alone, with absolutely no meaning and no accomplishments to my name in my life. I have so few friends, I've lost pretty much all my contacts I've ever made from work, and I obviously have nobody dear to my heart that I can share my deepest feelings with. Even my own family gave me a scare when I had to spend a week in the hospital with my mom who fell ill. Ever since I left university, my life has led absolutely nowhere, and every attempt I've made at rewriting and correcting my own course of history has left me exactly where I goddam started and stalled in the first place. It's not just frustrating, it's downright pathetic. My career path was pointless, my goals in life directionless, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my name or my existence except for this goddam fucking website of mine...

That's why I've decided to basically start over from scratch. That's why I've decided to begin fresh and anew from day fucking one all over again. I've tried for months to get a developer job during this recession, but not only do I find it almost impossible to do so against the competition out there, but I also find that I just don't really give a damn about making meaningless websites and social networking apps for companies that don't give a shit about me whatsoever. After you lose everyone you once considered to be a friend or an ally at work, I guess the labour force just seems like such a pointless and rudderless endeavour, and isn't worth an hour of your time but for the goddam fucking cheque. I've amounted to absolutely nothing in my life with the computer engineering degree that I have, and it will always shame and embarrass me when I think of how poorly I failed in so many of the courses I had. I wish I had tried harder in school, I wish I had made so much more of myself than to simply show up for exams and assume that my name on a degree would earn me the kind of respect I want in life...

I applied to York University for the Certified Management Accountant program about a month ago, though thanks to my own stupidity pertaining to my U of T transcript, I still haven't received an acceptance or rejection apology yet. But I am hoping to get into the York CMA course, even if it will take me about two years to graduate from their mature student opportunity. Do I want to become an accountant? No, not necessarily, although having more options in life is definitely a positive no matter what. It's the management part of the certificate that I prefer, and I can only hope that also having a business program under my name will help me to get the kind of career I want in either the accounting or computer world. I admit, returning back to university is more of a stopgap measure than anything else, considering I can't find a job worth a damn in this kind of recession environment. But I can also choose to work part time while studying if a decent opportunity arises, and I also have the choice after the end of this summer term whether to continue on with the CMA course or not. Sure, it strips a hell of a lot of money out of my own wallet, but as long as I feel like I'm learning and achieving something of value in my life again, it's money well spent...

I'm sick and tired of sitting on my hands doing nothing, and sadly the prospect of working for another small firm ready to cut and forget about me at any moment's notice is hardly something I'm interested in either. I've thought of volunteer work, and I've wondered whether to join a non-profit organization with a cause I believe in as well, and both are still possible while I try to get a business certificate from York. Returning back to school doesn't just give me more options in my career, it also gives me a second chance to try to meet new people, maybe make new friends like the few I still have from the University of Toronto. And I can't help but dream and hope that maybe I will find that person that I can fall in love with, for real this time. I just want to get away from my old life and my old company, you know? I just want to forget and move on...

I admit, it won't be easy for me to leave my past where it belongs. I've always been the no-name nostalgic, I've always dwelled on the person I was and where I've been far more than I where I am now. But what choice do I really have but to move on? I don't talk to anyone I met at work anymore, and I can't even trust most of them to be good references when push comes to shove. And the only girl I ever truly cared for and still sadly do? She had apologized to me long ago for suddenly becoming so silent, then she never really spoke to me again after her speech. She hasn't contacted me even once in so many months, not through the phone and not through e-mail, not even to check up if I found a goddam job or if I'm alright, even after she told me that she would. It will be hard to forget her, and it'll be so damn difficult to forget the last three years of my goddam life. But it's something I have to do, it's something I need to accomplish. I want to go back to school because nothing has gone right since I goddam left. I don't like what I do, I don't enjoy what my life has become. I want a second chance and I want to believe in myself...

It's been a long time coming, but I honestly am excited to return back to school. It's not just about the new people, it's not just about finally learning the aspects of business that I've always had an interest in. It's also about redemption, it's also about trying to fix the mistakes that I made in the past. I will always regret being so passive in my academic life, I will always have remorse for not giving a damn about all the courses in engineering that I couldn't goddam stand for. Now of course, I can't say that I will be a perfect student this time around, I can't argue that I'll become a social butterfly and suddenly make a bunch of new friends, and I can't honestly allow myself to believe that this will be the guaranteed time and place where I will finally find the kind of woman that maybe I can fall in love with for real this time...

But I can at least say that I'll feel like I'm moving forward in my life again. I can at least say, this second chance will finally allow me to leave behind all the goddam humiliations I've made in the distant past. I want to do this, I want to achieve this, I honestly do. I've been dreaming of returning to school for a very long time now, and I finally have both the reason and the courage to do so. I guess, wish me luck...

Afterall, it's not over yet. I still haven't been accepted to the school, and I still don't know if business accounting is right for me...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... well, better than being stuck in neutral for three hundred fucking bucks, at least...