Y2kk Update: You know, a lot of people wear their "busy-ness" on their chest like a badge. I've heard so many friends and family members alike all boast about how they don't even have a single second to themselves with all the things going on in their lives, as if I'm actually supposed to want the same for myself or some crap like that...

Arguably, over the past couple of months, I have been living the busy sort of life and quite frankly, I'm already getting sick and tired of it. Every time I tell someone that I'm working a full time job while studying full time at university, I get those sort of "you're crazy" looks where people are both impressed and think I'm insane at the same time. Before all this started, I actually was kind of wondering how it would be feel to be able to brag about how I'm actually using my time and effort on things in life that others might consider to be productive. I've traditionally only had school or work and played video games and wrote on this website of mine in my spare time. In the end though, all I've really gotten in return for the ability to boast about my busy crap is this feeling of remorse and guilt. Every time I mention my own schedule, somebody just seems offended and then fires back with statements about how busy they are themselves. It's practically a competition between everyone for self-worth in this case, and that in itself is more tiring and disappointing than the actual job and studies I put up with.

I really miss writing on this website, you know? I've complained about it a ton in the past, how I wish I could just flow my thoughts out on this noname blog of mine on a regular basis, simply because it's both therapeutic and it feels like sadly one of the few endeavours in my life that I actually do care about. But yes, I've just been so damn tired and lifeless on evenings and weekends after work that I can't be compelled to even sit down for an hour and type out my thoughts. The even sadder thing is, I don't really suspect it's the job and school-work itself that makes me feel this way. I always feel so damn drained after those hour-plus commutes back and forth in my bloody hell mini-van, and it only got worse last week...

I got into my first real accident last Wednesday. I don't know what I was thinking, I guess after months of rush hours commutes on the highway, I became overconfident despite the fact I was still in a bloody hell Ford mini-van that barely has the brakes to stop. I wasn't trying to follow too closely to the woman driving in front of me on the 401 freeway, but I always lose focus and get flustered when trying to change lanes and somebody cuts me off, and I didn't even notice until it was too late that everyone in my lane had suddenly slammed on their brakes to a halt. My reaction time simply wasn't fast enough and even though I had several car lengths between me and the Honda Civic before me, my damn van was simply too incapable of stopping in time after I had been accelerating for the goddam lane change. In the end, I really only nicked the woman's rear-bumper; hell, my own mini-van was barely grazed at all in the incident, as only the license plate was bent and that was about it. But of course, while I honestly wish we could've settled without the insurance companies knowing all this, the woman complained that her neck was bothering her and filed a report at the collision centre without telling me the very next day. I was surprised as anyone when I got the phone call from the police officer, asking me to come in to tell my side of the story. I would've been fine if she had simply given me a head's up, at least...

Health wise, I'm okay after this accident. My neck and back was bothering me for maybe a day but that was probably more from my regular bad posture than anything else. I already mentioned that my mini-van is absolutely untouched except for that license plate of a battle scar that I'll wear as a badge until the day it dies, but as for the Honda Civic that I hit? The only visible damage that I could see was a scratch or two on its bumper, though of course the woman complained that a grand of cash was needed in order to fix whatever damage had happened to her trunk. And like I said, she was feeling pain in the neck the morning after I rear-ended her on the highway, so of course I felt terrible about the situation and I wanted to help. I'm still pissed at her for not even messaging me before she went to the police about the whole damn thing though, especially now after she sent me another message admitting that her neck and back feel perfectly fine after her weekend getaway. I can't blame her for going through the official channels, but damn, my premium costs are going to shoot straight up...

The thing that was hurt most here was of course my pride. I should've watched where I was going, and I've known I have issues with focus and reaction times whenever I'm changing lanes ever since I started driving. What I haven't admitted though is that I was really frustrated and depressed that day, to be honest. The afternoon of the accident was the day the 5.0 earthquake hit here in Ontario, though of course that's not the reason I wasn't feeling well when merging onto the 401 highway. Besides a faulty stomach thanks to a shitty McDonald's soft drink I ordered that afternoon, I just was feeling so stressed out and so fucking upset about where my life was going and about all the meaningless crap that I've been going through over the past few months. I might as well list my thoughts here, considering I have nothing better to do on this Canada Day off. I just miss having a purpose to work towards, that's all.

First, there's the actual full time job I'm doing, which feels as pointless and menial as ever. I started my new position at the beginning of April if I remember correctly, and after three months at the office, I've got to say that it reminds me far too much of a cross between my first job at the government and my last career pit stop at that shitty ass dotcom firm. Once again, I've found myself in a company where work is done for the sake of work, where there is no clear career direction and where thanks to a stupid agreement I made with the recruiting firm, not only are they taking a percentage of my salary but also all my remaining money is being dumped into a corporate account that I've still been too lazy to even begin to touch. The actual job itself started off at a downtown office and at least I enjoyed the outside atmosphere while I was there. But ever since I have been shipped off to the client location in the suburbs, I've been just sitting there at my desk, counting away the hours as I'm once again left with no clear goal to work towards. I wasn't trained properly at all, there is no proper documentation or commenting of the code as expected, and of course now I'm being pressured and blamed for all the things I do wrong when it's obvious why I did them wrong in the first place. I don't understand anything right now and I don't think it's going to get any better, especially since nobody there ever seems to acknowledge that I'm still alive...

I wake up every day at 7 am, I'm forced to rush through breakfast to get into my car about half an hour later, and then I'm pretty much stuck in highway traffic all the way past 9 am, in which case my manager (through either daily e-mail or phone call check-ups) always manages to complain how I'm late. After that, if none of my team members are at the client office with me, at least I get the chance to relax and head out for lunch hour to stretch my legs. But when anybody else is there? Sure, I know I can just leave for a break whenever I want to, but the constant watching over my shoulder and the constant questioning about what I'm doing for the goddam day, prevents me from even leaving my desk to go out and eat something really. At least at my old job, I felt somewhat rested thanks to commutes on the GO Train instead of the car and thanks to having two hour lunch breaks where I could complain and gripe about the company to my fellow peers. But seriously, at this new job, I haven't met a single person yet who I feel I can talk to. Most of my team members are on multiple projects at different sites so I barely see them anyways, but even if I did, I just don't get the impression that they'll ever open up to me. I feel like a complete outsider at my company and maybe that was sort of what I was looking for when I quit my last job. I guess it just sucks when you get ignored, or ignored except for the finger pointing blame game every damn day, of course...

Like I mentioned, there is no career path or trajectory at this company. I've heard from others that barely anybody ever moves up to a managerial role, and it's not like I'm getting paid as much as I was at my last job either. I'm working on XML technology that, while applicable to many different industries at least, it certainly is boring and makes me feel like my skills are being wasted on nothing more than a glorified server maintenance job in the end. And every day I ask myself, is sitting there at that client office really going to help me find a better job elsewhere? Earning money is nice, true, but isn't there better uses of my time than to waste away my life every day, starting from 7:30 am in the morning all the way to 7 pm at night? It's even worse when my managers are there watching me, considering they like to stay late at the office. After they complain every morning about me getting to work late thanks to goddam traffic, of course I'm going to try to at least pretend like I care about my job by waiting until they leave before I pack up myself, which often results in me getting home after 8 pm. Then again, at least rush hour traffic is normally much improved by that point in time. It was trying to rush home at 6 pm in the evening that got me into my goddam car accident, afterall...

When asked how I manage to pull off both a full time job and full time university studies at the same time, I often simply reply that I don't. School was sadly kind of fun for me before I began my current job, as I was actually doing well on exams and assignments for the first time in my life. Maybe the course material was simply easier back then, as I was taking mostly second year courses before the April start of my daily damn work. Still, I was actually impressed and proud of myself for somehow pulling off decent marks when I had six goddam final exams at the end of the winter term while starting 9 to 5 pm work, all at the same damn time. That was a moment I honestly like to boast about, because I honestly didn't expect to maintain my marks yet I mostly somehow did. Sure, I dropped in Statistics to a B (God, I hated that course), but I actually maintained a B+ in most of my other classes and even increased some scores to an A after pulling a miracle (or the bell curve) in tough subjects like Managerial Accounting. It wasn't really a fair test of my skills though, considering I already knew a lot of the course material from studying for midterms and assignments prior to the finals. Sure, I can pat myself on the back for somehow still finding the time to study for six bloody hell final exams while stuck in a goddam, lowly day-job, but in all honesty, I don't know how well I actually would've done if I hadn't studied unemployed for the better part of the winter term...

I guess I know now though, thanks to taking four university subjects this goddam summer term. I had originally planned to take a full six load, but two of the bloody hell courses actually required in-class participation marks and the limited afternoon class scheduling prevented me from attending those lectures. But even with a reduced course-load, I've been struggling and frustrated with my studying beyond belief. I mean, it's bad enough hating your day-job that you get paid for, but to hate the schooling that you godddam pay thousands for at the same damn time? My four courses this term are Operations/Inventory Management, Introduction to Law, Canadian Income Taxes and more goddam Intermediate Accounting. I'm doing fine in the first two courses, I should score at least a B in both of those cases. But wow, I just had another Intermediate Accounting midterm last Sunday and got a mark of fifty-five bloody hell percent soon after. Granted, the class average was even two percent lower than mine so it shows how damn hard the professor is making his tests, but I'm honestly worried that I may not pass this course. And where can I find the time to rectify the situation and actually learn all the course material properly? I've already run into that problem with my final exam for that Canadian tax course. I headed into that final exam with barely a C+ in the course, and I didn't understand a damn thing that I ended up writing on that test paper. I've already embarrassed myself by taking the "Challenge Exam" for that tax course last term (a volunteer test that if passed with 60%, allows me to bypass the tax credit in my curriculum), only to be e-mailed by the prof later on for wasting his time with my score of 34%. He even cc'ed my current prof about how I might be a "problem" if I'm willing to waste the university's time like I did, which obviously leads me to believe that I won't be getting any sympathy or slack if I failed miserably on this income tax final exam. But really, what else can I do about it now?

It's absolutely no fun to force yourself through a job you're bored lifeless in from nine in the morning to six at night, but it's even worse trying to coerce yourself into studying for goddam constant projects and exams the moment you get home. I just want to relax after a long traffic of a commute back from the office, I just want to curl up on my bed and rest or watch some television and shut my brain off, is that too much to ask? But often I don't even have that luxury, simply because of the goddam choice I made to finish goddam Accounting at university. And the worst part of it all, besides the feeling that my mind is never truly at ease anymore, is the fact (like stated above) that I think my goddam full time work is really having a negative impact on my full time studies and vice versa. How can I suffer through my time at work if I know I'll just have to suffer through even more as soon as I get home? What is the point of making money when I'm just wasting it all on schooling that I'm now failing because I have no time or energy to study? How can I concentrate on training at my company if I use up all my strength on learning completely different topics for schooling? I have never felt comfortable working at my office since I got there, and now I'm also nervous that my marks will drop so low at university that I may not even pass this summer term. What will I do then if I fail? Completely quit school since there's no point in trying it again if I still don't have the time to study? Or should I concentrate on university and give myself an actual career path goal, but also give up on the only job I've found in this goddam recession?...

There's more I've been frustrated about in the past few months. I may have mentioned in my last updates that I was planning to go to Chicago for a weekend with my brother, his fiancee, and my sister. I did end up going on the May 24th weekend and it's not like I had a bad time or anything. It's just that, on return, I was sternly lectured for being basically who I am. I never thought my sister, my brother and his fiancee would all feel the same way, but apparently I kind of ruined the vacation for them all by simply being myself. I got lectured and criticized for how I act like a know-it-all, and that I annoyed them with my constant 'one-uppers' over everything they had to say. And in all honesty, while I know this is a personal trait and problem of mine, I didn't think I said much on this Chicago trip at all. In fact, the only time I did feel like I said something was when they were already criticizing me for how I start off my e-mails (with a "Hi-<comma>-<name>," instead of "Hi-<no comma>-<name>"), which apparently bothers them because it's "unprofessional" and "just sounds wrong". I had no damn idea that I was aggravating and annoying them that damn much over what was just a three day vacation. And while of course I've mostly gotten over what they told me, I still can't help but feel in the back of the mind that I really do suck as a person. It was only three fucking days with "normal" people, with goddam family members who have known me for my entire life, and yet they already couldn't stand me for basically acting exactly like I normally act. What the fuck am I supposed to do then? I didn't even fucking know I was doing anything wrong...

But maybe it was just bad timing when they told me all of this. Besides having a short temper thanks to all the pointless crap I've been enduring through at work and school, there is of course another reason why I'm always on edge (and it always happens to be the biggest reason for me of them all). When it comes to the girl that I fell for at work all those years ago, it's been over a year now since I last was able to speak with her, and I guess I really couldn't take it anymore. I've waited so long, hoping that she would return, and you'd think that all those months of silence would've been proof enough that I should just let her move on. I had made a promise that if I truly did love her, I'd let her go, but I guess I'm not really true to my word.

I contacted her again on her birthday with a short e-mail. It was the day after my birthday, another year gone by where she didn't remember who I was or why it was so easy for me to remember the day she was born. Still, even though I wasn't really expecting a response back from her, I chose to be as clear and frank in my writing as possible. I was sick and tired of always hiding things from her, I have always regretted not being honest and straight-forward with her with my thoughts. So I wrote to her with the clear intention of wishing her a Happy Birthday, I chose to remind her that mine had been just the day before, and I admitted to her it would be good if we could get back into contact because she's always been someone I've liked to talk to. I decided to myself that if she did respond, I would try to give us one last chance. I would tell her how I feel, if only so I would have no more regrets. I really didn't expect any message back, so I honestly was surprised when she returned a letter the very next day, though the message within was not very subtle. She seemed gracious and innocently happy enough to hear from me again, but of course she knew what my agenda was. In her first e-mail in well over a year, she made it very clear that she was very busy and happy with her life...

... and that she now has a boyfriend...

That pierced my heart a bit, it really did. I knew it was possible after all this time that she would find someone, but after she had spent so long in her life just being by herself (and rejecting guys like me), I figured there was still a chance she would be available. Maybe I shouldn't have talked to her again after her response, but I guess I had to know the truth about whether she was making this boyfriend thing all up in order to put me down gently. I was so sick and tired of never directly telling her how I felt, so I actually e-mailed her back and admitted exactly what my intentions were of contacting her again in the first place. I was still alone and single and I've never been able to forget about her after all those days gone by. I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I just needed to know if she ever had feelings for me because I still have feelings for her, and I needed to know if there was ever going to be a chance between the both of us. The funny thing was, after she received this e-mail of mine, I noticed her status message disappeared from my Gchat window, most likely because she blocked my account or something like that. I was furious at her for ignoring me instead of just writing me back that nothing would ever happen between the both of us and that I needed to move on with my life. Now sure, I didn't blame her for how she reacted, but I had hoped she was a better person than to just leave me hanging like that. A week later though, her status magically reappeared on my Google account and then a few days later, I finally received a response from her back. And in the end, she let me off gently as I had hoped she would do, she admitted that she knew I had feelings for her but she was very happy in her current relationship and that I needed to find someone else...

I exchanged a few more e-mails with her after that. I learned some strange new things about her life-style, like her propensity to belly-dance and of her friends convincing her to sing randomly on the streets in front of strangers. I guess it was nice to hear from her, especially during a time a little later in my life when I was feeling down from an actual murder that happened to someone I know (my brother-in-law's brother's mother-in-law, actually). The girl I fell for has always been a good distant friend to me, but I know she's never been someone that I could truly trust. We have a lot of interests in common, but I guess that will forever be the extent of our connection. And I also learned a bit about the man that finally won her heart, and I can't say I was surprised who it was. Years ago when I had invited her out to the movies, she had asked to bring along a third guy who I instantly knew in the back of my mind would be someone who was already in love with her. Turns out I was right in the end, as the guy who has been her friend since university and the same guy who treated me like an absolute asshole the only time I met him, finally won over the heart that he was pining over for God knows how many years. They've been best friends for a very long time, and the moment I saw how he looked at her, I knew that this guy was only hanging around because he was already in love with her. How am I supposed to compete with that? On some level, even though they never dated until this very year, I knew that the girl I had fallen for always had some sort of feelings for this asshole who made me his bitch. She always talked to him in the mornings on instant messengers, even during the days she ignored me because she was too tired to talk. She would always meet him for movies and dinner dates as friends, even when she had no time to meet with me for even a lunch. In a way, I'm happy that those two finally got together. It was a long time coming, and at least it confirms what I've always felt...

But really, where does that leave me? After a few e-mails back and forth, the girl I had fallen for (and who had now fallen for that other fucking asshole guy) suddenly stopped talking to me again and I haven't heard from her in about a month now. I sort of said good-bye to her right before leaving for my trip to Chicago, but I never suspected that she would seemingly never return my letter even after all this goddam time. I kind of feel bad about the whole situation now, where I admitted to her how I felt and even asked her to make sure with her boyfriend if it was alright for us to be friends, and then I never heard from her again. Am I disappointed? Yes, because regardless of my feelings for her, she is a pretty good friend to talk to, and in a way, I wish I could just accept a platonic relationship with her. The problem is, I can't, and she knows it as well as I do. She has her boyfriend now, she's busy with music and dancing lessons, she has a much more fulfilling and time-consuming full-time job than I ever will have, and she still has a family of eight or so people in her household to keep her happy and content for the remaining minutes she has to spare. After weeks had gone by without any other response from her, I contemplated whether to send her a message again. I wanted to, I really did, but I still do remember my promise that if I did truly love her, I'd let her go. Sure, I may feel like the guy she's dating is a complete asshole, but that's for her to decide, not I.

I never really had a chance with her, and even if I did, I squandered and ruined it all by being exactly the type of insecure man I've always been. I had found her personal blog quite a while ago, and I'll never forget what she wrote about me after I sent her that emo-mail two years ago. Her exact words were, "he's stupid and clingy and has a freakin' crush on me and I wish it would go away so I can have a decent conversation with him again". I know what I wrote to her two years was wrong in the sense that I was really, truly lonely that night and I was just praying that she would have some goddam sympathy on me or whatnot. Still, I will never forget what she meant about me, and it's times like last month when my brother was lecturing me about being so annoying and clingy and stupid on the Chicago trip, that I just can't help but feel like this is all my fault and that I'm actually a bad person at heart. I know I've never been a cool or awesome type of guy, the kind of person that people want to follow or simply be with to make themselves feel better. But at least I've always considered myself a good person at heart, somebody that tries to help and be there for others. How can I ever really consider myself to be a good guy when my own family can't stand three fucking days alone with me? How can I ever hope to be considered a good person at heart when the only girl I've ever fallen in love with can't even stand the sight of me when I ask for help?...

I know it's up to me in the end to improve as a human being, but I don't particularly like what others want me to become. If it's my family you want to ask, apparently I need to become more social and laid-back and basically find a sense of humour that they can relate to, even if I can't relate to it myself. And if it's the girl I fell for that you want an opinion of me from, I'm sure I need to become less clingy, less stupid, and probably much more of a goddam cocky asshole, which is exactly the kind of guy that she's dating now. He was strong and patient enough to have been in love with her ever since they first met in university, yet he still stuck around and I'm betting the girl I fell for at work probably was so naive that she never had any idea that he loved her and sacrificed all those years for her in the first place. He's a beer snob and a wannabe savant of a goddam smartass who, from what I know, callously corrects and arrogantly looks down on anyone he feels is less intelligent than himself. But I guess, that's just the type of guy that a woman like her wants. He seemed confident enough in both himself and his actions that he was able to treat me like a complete asshole without a single shred of remorse, and in return, how did my insecure, little self react and respond that night? I became silent, sheltered, passive and discouraged, because I actually could sense the connection that the two of them shared. I didn't fight for her back then, and I won't fight for her now, because what can I say? He deserves her, I honestly believe that. And unfortunately, I know that's not the personality she wants in a guy, but that's just the kind of person I am.

I don't want to be an asshole, but I'm sure she considers me one still. And I honestly can't believe my sister, my brother and his fiancee all felt the same way about me as well. I just want to be accepted for who I am, is that really too much to ask for? I know if I have flaws I should fix them, but I honestly didn't feel I did anything wrong on the goddam trip. But if all the people that I care most about tell me the same damn thing, then it has to be true, right? It sucks to hear that you're not a good person, but if that's the truth, then it needs to be said...

And that's what I've been up to for the past three months. I've been depressed by a day job that has no purpose and direction in life, and I've been disappointed in my schooling because I can't seem to succeed like I did when I wasn't working nine to five. I thought I could relax and simply spend good time with family on my Chicago trip, only to find that I ruined it for everyone else simply by acting innocently as myself, and now I'm afraid to go on any future vacation trips with them again. And the only clear goal and direction I had in my life was to finally win the heart and mind of the only woman I've ever loved, only to find that the same asshole who treated me like shit on the one night we met, already beat me to the punch and will probably be by her side for a very long time. If she's happy, then I'm happy for her. I just can't be around her with these feelings that I have, that's all. I guess I need to change...

All of this was running through my head when I got into that car accident. The daily commutes in traffic, my sister leaving for her new life in Asia, the murder that happened to her husband's brother's mother-in-law, and everything else I already listed above, it all is taking its toll on me and I've become even more frustrated and jaded with my life than I was before. It may have been fool's gold, but I had hope that I could finally be with the one that I fell in love with, if only I could prove to her and myself that I'm smart and capable and busy like she always wanted me to be. The girl I had fallen for, she was always the one telling me how she didn't have a minute to spare, and she always seemed to want a guy with confidence and goals in life. I was trying to find that with work and school, but it turns out the only goal I cared for was her. Now what do I have? Everything feels meaningless again, but whatever...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... I'm frustrated and tired and lonely, and I don't even have the energy to write about it anymore...

To be honest, I don't know how people can be happy being busy. I just don't know.

Y2kk Update: I guess this is the part where I disappear from the internet yet again for a while. I honestly don't know when will be the next time I can find the time to write...

I've had it easy for a while, but things will definitely start getting busy for me again this coming week. It's been a nice couple of weeks for me though, I can't complain about that. Lounging about with television and gaming is always a good thing. It's just too bad I couldn't really enjoy it all, I've been on and off sick for the entire damn time since my last download update. Hell, I'm feeling like shit again today and I really have no idea why. It could have something to do with the changing weather here in the Toronto area right now. If it stays rainy for a while or if it stays sunny for a few days, I feel fine. But the moment it suddenly switches randomly between the two, I feel sick as a dog. Wish it didn't have to be this way...

What have I been up to? Most days, basically just procrastination to the nth degree and I definitely enjoyed every last second of it. Besides that and besides sadly being bed-ridden from this illness crap I mentioned before, I've been busy with a couple of university assignments (one of which I got perfect on, but so did about three quarters of the entire class so it's a moot point), I've been helping my brother with the details about the purchase of his new home, and I've also been the handyman around these parts with the home renovations in this new house of ours. The contractors we hired finished their part of the basement, and while we're waiting for the next set of contractors to be ready in a week or so, I felt it was my duty to do some cleaning and touch-ups everywhere I could. Besides vacuuming and washing the floors, I managed to scrub all the tiles in the washroom and repaint all the doors and frames as best I could. It took a hell of a lot longer than I thought it would, but at least it brought me back to the good ol' days when I used to paint for my parents' business all the time…

So that's been pretty much my past two weeks in a nutshell. Granted, I definitely should've studied more for those final exams of mine that will start in just over a week from now, but instead I opted to vacuum and hand wash all the floors in this house simply out of sheer obsession and goddam procrastination. Soon though, I know I'll be paying the price for my choices. I've never been a studious student in the first place or anything like that, as there's rarely ever been an occasion in history where I didn't just cram at the last minute for a goddam exam. But seriously, with my new programming job starting during the exact same week as my finals? I know I am screwed, I am sure of that, and yet I still find myself so lazy...

This is the reason I'll be missing in action from the internet for quite a while. Starting next week, I'll have two major assignments due for university. Hell, I should be completing them now instead of writing this download update, especially considering I've barely gotten anywhere with those bloody hell math questions over the past two days. After my assignments are finally handed in (for better or for worse), and after a brief respite period where I'll be taking my mother to the doctor for her blood-work to be checked (and maybe treat my parents to the movies as well), I'll find myself busy with family celebrations over the Easter holiday weekend, and then apparently the very Monday after, it's going to be the first day of work for me…

Negotiations for this job of mine certainly haven't gone as smoothly as I planned. Simply put, the HR recruiting company is taking a hell of a lot of money off of my hourly rate for themselves, and I'm certainly not happy about that. While logically I should just be satisfied that they found me a job in the first place, I'm not happy that they will continue to top off my pay over the course of an entire damn year of my employment. I'm just the kind of guy who hates it when somebody leeches off of me for easy money. If I have no choice in the matter, I will do everything in my power to make them earn their paycheck, and I've annoyed both car-salesmen and real estate agents so much from this trait of mine over the past bloody year. I just couldn't stand how pushy the recruiters were in trying to get me to sign a contract right away, yet acted so completely lethargic whenever I asked them to explain something or find something out in my favour. I know I'm just a stubborn idiot at times, but like I did with the real estate agents in the past, I've made sure over these prior couple of weeks that these HR recruiters of mine didn't get to strip an easy paycheque from my goddam hands. They forced me to incorporate and lied about it (or simply withheld information) too many times for me to goddam tolerate. Of course in the end, I'll sign the contract on the dotted line, but my ego feels a bit better about itself if I can just make them sweat or swear a bit in the process...

I start my new job on April 5th. I would be fine with that date if only it wasn't so damn close to my university final exams, which start on April 8th and end on my very goddam birthday, April 20th. I actually have seven university exams this term (though technically six, since one is a "challenge exam" meant to bypass a summer course that I don't want to take). This will be the most exams I've ever taken in a single term before, and yet I have to do it all while working at a full time job that I will be learning at the time (possibly with unpaid overtime) on the goddam spot? In a sense, it's good that I currently have 80% or higher in all but one of my classes, as it relieves the pressure on me if I don't do exceptionally well on my finals. On the other hand, this is the first term in my entire university career where I feel proud of myself, and it's a shitty feeling knowing that now I have an excuse for my marks to drop to what they were before. It would definitely be smarter for me if I would just take the time to study now for all these bloody hell courses of mine , especially the three I have on successive nights near the eve of my birthday. And yet I just keep on procrastinating it seems, and I know I will pay the price with so many exhaustive nights in the near future. Wow, will I ever be tired…

Part of me wishes that I could just delay the start of this job so that I can concentrate on my university finals, but I've already talked with my manager about that and it's just not in his or the company's best interests for me to start two weeks later. And also part of me wishes I could just defer or even forfeit my exams, but that would be such a complete waste of a term and all the money I've spent to get to this point in my goddam university career. I'm actually scared of what will happen, if my marks will drop significantly or not. I value my education, even if it doesn't have a true end-goal. I sort of see it as self-fulfillment of my previous goddam wasted potential. I returned to school to prove to myself that I could do it, that I wasn't just a failure back at the University of Toronto. But even if I survive these next two weeks, what about the next term with another six bloody hell courses? In a sense, I've already proven to myself that I'm better than I thought, but I still need to finish the goddam job. I just don't know how I'm going to handle both full-time work and school studies this summer, that's all...

The return to corporate life along with seven university exams at the same damn time will be my biggest single stress test potentially of my entire life to date, because I honestly care about the outcome of both. But when it comes to gruelling endurance, it'll be the summer months that will be the absolute painful test and chore. Like I said, I'll be continuing my full time job on a six month contract all the way through October, while at the same time I'll be taking six abbreviated courses at York university in the summer term all at once. Combine that with my brother's wedding in August, first with his bachelor party on the long weekend and later with the actual week of the wedding and rehearsal itself? Hell, have I ever been so busy in my life? I guess the good news is, if my constant sickness only happens when I'm not busy, then I can safely predict I will be feeling healthy for quite some time starting next week…

One of the main reasons why I'm keeping such a hectic schedule, one that will yield barely any rest or relief in the coming months, is because I'm still trying to find some meaning in my life, I guess. I want a job because I want my career to move somewhere where I want. I like the feeling knowing that I can find work and do a good job at it anytime I put my mind to it. But at the same time, being a corporate monkey is just too damning and limiting from my previous goddam experiences in the office. I want to focus on university as well, to broaden my skills and confidence so that one day I can take up the family business and be the entrepreneur I've wanted to become for quite some time now. But really, to achieve both at the same time? Yes, I do want income so I don't feel guilty every day I spend a dollar, but I also don't want to give up on schooling either and delay the future I still want for myself down the road…

And yet, even if I do manage to achieve and succeed at both of these goals? Let's just say that I do finish university again and that I do become an entrepreneur. Then what? I still won't feel fulfilled because there still will be a third piece of this so-called Triforce of my life that'll be missing in action. It's kind of funny actually, how I go to York University where there are so many and so much more ridiculously attractive women in a single location than I've ever seen before in my entire life (especially of the Indian and Chinese variety that I'm so fond of), and yet I still find that I'm not interested in a single one of them. I used to think that downtown Toronto in the business sector or the North York and Richmond Hill areas had the hottest women I'd ever seen, and yet now they just don't seem to compare after being at York University for one full year. In the end though, every single time I try to talk to one of these girls, it's either that I don't know how to carry on a conversation or it's simply that I quickly realize the girl before me has nothing to say that I myself find to be interesting or meaningful. There just doesn't seem to be anything behind the high maintenance looks for me when it comes to any of these girls that I have talked to. But I guess still, I wish I had tried with more…

There was this FOB Chinese girl back in summer school last year, who I remember was wearing a sensationally cute yellow T-shirt with the tighest of blue jeans. I seem to have a weakness for the colour yellow as if I'm the goddam Green Lantern, and it certainly helped that her shirt was perfectly form-fitting and practically transparent in its cotton or linen form. She had caught me glancing over at her in the library that day with her friends, and when I left the room, I noticed that she was simply sitting there alone on a bench, all by herself all of a sudden. I did want to talk with her, her body in the sunlight was practically glowing afterall, but I do admit in this case I simply did not have the guts or the motivation beyond shallow looks. Part of me wonders if she left herself alone on that bench because she knew I would be leaving soon. I did wonder if she was hoping I would say hi. I guess now, I'll never know…

The second instance I regret was at the school cafeteria, also during summer last year, when I spotted a Westernized Chinese girl sporting an amazing white blouse on top, tight black tank-top underneath, and adorable little yoga track pants on her bottom. I actually went over to her with the intention of starting a random conversation, but when the time finally came, nothing came out of my goddam mouth. Realizing how much of a wuss I was, I pretended like I had stopped to take a look at the contents of my school bag and bent down to check. At that very moment, I noticed in the corner of my eye that she looked up and I could somehow sense that she thought I actually wasn't that bad looking. She kind of seemed interested to some extent, just not very much, alas. As soon as I looked back up, she quickly turned away as expected and pretended like I wasn't there. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing…

The final instance where I wish I had some guts was this past January at the local bookstore. As I was browsing grossly overpriced textbooks, a short little Chinese girl came over to my left. I didn't get a good look at what she was wearing, but I do remember that she wasn't spoiled with those hooker or fuzzy boots like every other Asian at York University was, and that there was just something about her face that made me want to turn and say hello. I could somehow sense that she was interested in me, and kind of interested a lot; she was the only one of the three that seemed to give me any sort of sly smile back. Remembering my regret from those first two instances of sudden mute affliction above, after making eye contact and just as I was about to introduce myself? It's kind of ironic about the timing and all, but that's exactly when my brother decided to call me up on the cell phone. I'll never forget that moment, because he honestly had no reason to call me. He just suddenly felt like finding out where I was and what I was doing that day, and by the time we hung up the phone, the little girl next to me had paid for her books and left the store. And to this very day, I still wonder if it was a blessing in disguise that the sudden phone call happened, or if it's just another regret…

The first two women on this list were nothing more than shallow lookers who were only attractive due to the summer heat. In all honesty, my only regret is not having courage in those moments; I don't regret not getting to know them because I already knew who they were. Sure, I still remember their bodies so well, but I also remember how their faces did absolutely nothing for me in the end. And thinking back to those moments, I honestly just can't help but compare them to the girl I fell in love with, how she always had that kind of gentle face and smile that I fell for from the very first moment I saw her. Every time I remember the girl in yellow, I also think back to how stunningly hot the girl at work was when she simply wore a white T-shirt with "Puppy Love" written on her chest; I could barely resist how amazing she looked in those jeans she was wearing that day. When it comes to the girl in the cafeteria, I also can't help but recall that one day I saw the girl I fell for at work wear the same type of white blouse, and how I was so immediately drawn to her that I still remember the very scent of her sweat on her arms that day. That morning in the office, it was really the only moment I felt true passion in my entire life and I still remember every single detail of her glowing hair and the hot black skirt she wore. I wanted her so badly then, I could hardly resist. But more than that, what I remember most of all, is how her smile is the only smile I've ever truly cared for...

As for the girl in the bookstore? I guess she was the only one of the three that I felt was actually interested in me, and she was the only one of the three that I actually thought had a cute face and smile. I will never know why it turned out my brother called me at that very exact place and time, and part of me wonders what would have happened if I had just said hello. Yet at the same time, when I think back to that moment, I also can't help but remember all the little cute and innocent memories I had with the girl at work as well. I still perfectly recall how she smiled as she lifted her misty glasses from the fog of the cold the day I took her out for her new job. I still vividly remember exactly the tones and inflections in her voice as she called my name at the goodbye lunch with all our coworkers. I still remember just how cute she was wearing that gray hoodie of hers the very last time I saw her a year ago. And yes, I do miss that care and consideration of hers that I've always taken for granted. It's the little things I miss most, like how she bit her lip every time she apologized for something, or how she offered to hold my jacket when I was too tied up with a hot chocolate in my hand. I was always angry at her when I really had no reason to be. That's perhaps my greatest regret in life...

There are times I wish I had more courage, to be the kind of guy who can just walk up to any woman and ask for her name. And to be honest, I have done that on numerous occasions at York University already, even when it comes to some absolute hotties I've met in my classes. Yet every single time, like a broken record, I realize in some sense that they are broken. I do realize that five minutes alone with a girl is not enough to find out who they really are, but it certainly also feels like five minutes is too long to find out that they're really not the right girl for me. I don't need to write about these women that I actually have had the courage to start a conversation with, because I simply don't care about them anymore. The moment I hear their voice, I know that they're not the woman that I wish they would be. They're not the woman I want; there's only one woman in the world that I do, even if she has no interest in me. I'm in a school full of the most attractive Indian and Chinese girls that I've ever known, and yet still I only think of the one woman I fell for, the one woman who I last saw over a bloody hell year ago, the one woman who never wanted to see me again. I know she's happy without me, so why do I keep thinking about her? I really still miss her. How fucking sad is that?...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? I guess we'll see soon if it is, provided I survive the next few weeks let alone the next few months...

Until then though, I guess I'm signing off, because I have no idea when I'll next have the chance to write. I need to concentrate on school and concentrate on work, afterall...

Wish me luck then. I don't want any regrets.

Y2kk Update: Wow, do I ever feel burnt out. I know I really shouldn't complain in the grand scheme of things, considering there are so many people right now in the world doing so many juggling acts between work and family life and whatever else they want to achieve in life. I honestly don't know how they pull it all off though, considering I've only been busy with university exams and family matters for the past three or four weeks, and yet there were already so many nights that I just couldn't keep my eyes open or goddam think straight...

Like I mentioned in my last update, there's something about university life that taxes the brain in ways I couldn't even remember once I became a full time employee. When you're working a job, unless it's one of those pressure ones where you feel you're on-call 24/7, there is still plenty of downtime on evenings or weekends to finally relax the mind and get back to a mental state that somewhat borders on manageable. But once you factor university studies into the mix, thanks to goddam exams and assignments that never stop on a full time schedule, there is never a single day or weekend where I feel I can truly relax. I feel happy that I can roll out of bed at nine or ten in the morning most days, but I still feel so damn drained and so damn fatigued, especially during those cramming sessions that take me until 3 am or beyond. And to think, my plan all along has been to maintain my full time university course load while simultaneously working a full-time job for forty damn hours a week. I'm only battling through half of that equation as we speak and already I'm begging for an escape clause. WTF?...

Granted, I never imagined that everything in my life would come to a head all at the same time over the past three or four weeks. Ironic how that happens, isn't it? I already mentioned in my last update everything I did for Chinese New Year and helping my brother-in-law and sister move from their condo over to their new life in Asia. That was already tiring enough, to transfer all their possessions and junk from their uptown residence to my house. But why is it that fate (or just bad family decisions) seemed to make it so that at the same time my sister was moving, my brother decided to move back home too and my parents decided to close the deal on our old house as well? Talk about coincidence, or just plain bad scheduling as far as I'm concerned. With our basement under constant renovations as well, we had barely enough room to fit my brother-in-law's stuff let alone everything else that would be coming in...

Last Wednesday I returned back to my old Oakville home to clean up for what I had hoped would be the last time. I couldn't believe though that after two moving truck days and after ferrying as much crap as we could in our minivan about twenty damn times over the past half year, that we still had a garage full of absolute junk that my dad was still reluctant to throw away. Thankfully we did manage to appeal to his inner common sense and made him realize that without a third moving truck rental, there was no way to get all the remaining wood and scrap metal and goddam furniture back to our current house before the closing date of our old one. As a result, after getting up early in the morning and visiting my grandmother in the process, I had to help load up the minivan twice (completely full to the brim each time, might I add) with as much garbage as we could to deliver to the dump site in Milton. Beyond the injuries I sustained thanks to so many nails and splinters in the rotten wood we disposed of, and beyond the giant bruises on my legs I still have from dropping busted stereo speakers on my knees, I felt so unbelievably exhausted and physically dirty by the time that garbage disposal site closed for the day. I had worked as hard as I could to clean up as goddam much as possible for six or seven bloody straight hours that Wednesday, and yet still after we were all said and done, there was still half of the fucking garage full of junk to get rid of. WTF?...

I was still sporting the cuts and bruises and mental scars by the time Saturday rolled around, when it became time to help my brother move from his uptown condo back to the house we are in. Thankfully, he didn't have a ton of material possessions that he couldn't just cram into boxes we could stack, and luckily everything of his did fit into two minivan shuttle rides. The difficulty though came with moving the remaining heavy furniture he wanted to keep, mainly his double sofa-bed from Ikea and the HDTV that was far more heavy than I remember old LCD screens once being. Lugging all this crap over to the elevator and then dragging it to wherever the minivan was parked wasn't the most gruelling of efforts, but it was truly time-consuming and I certainly wasn't a happy camper when the sunlight of the day began to set yet we were still hauling crap out of the van and into the house. I was happy to help my brother to move in and I would do it all again if I had to. The only hitch though was that I had my Management Accounting midterm the following morning, and was I ever damn tired...

With Wednesday being two minivans of garbage disposal day, and with my back still aching from moving my brother's bed on Saturday, I didn't have much time remaining that night to cram for my Management Accounting midterm on Sunday morning. When I finally took that exam, I was so tired and mentally washed out that I actually don't remember going through the entire midterm the first time around. It was only on the second run that I noticed all the mistakes I had made and rushed my hardest to correct what I could. When I left that exam room, I didn't have the feeling of failure or anything, not like I did every time I would prove to be utterly clueless back during my computer engineering days. But I certainly didn't feel confident in the answers that I had written, and after not studying nearly as much as I should've between those two moving dates, I was honestly prepared to receive just a 50-60%...

That's why I was actually goddam ecstatic a few days later to see my mark, and literally wondered how the hell I could actually achieve a 90% (and the class average was 60%). Seriously, WTF? That was a nice reward for my hard work, even though I have no clue how I could have pulled off a score like that in the kind of dizzy haze I was in. Combine that with two other marks I received that same week, of 81% on my Statistics midterm and an actual 90% on my Corporate Finance one (how I achieved that, I have no clue either), and suddenly things were looking up. I know school shouldn't be very important to me, considering it's hard work ethic and actual experience on the resume that gets you to the places you want to go in your career. To be honest, I'm getting afraid that I'm caring too much about my university success again, forgetting what it means to succeed in the real world outside of the bubble of school. Still, I studied so hard all the way until 4 am for each of those three exams, so how could I not be somewhat proud of myself? But unfortunately, I patted myself on the back too soon...

This past Tuesday was another gruelling day of physical work, although I thought I would welcome the change of pace after worrying about university marks so much. Wednesday was the final closing date of the sale of our old house, and my parents wanted the day before to be when we finally finished everything for the proverbial passing of the torch. That's when the feeling of burn out finally hit me like a truck, both in the bloody brain and the goddam gut. I wasn't feeling well at all, I could barely sleep the night before and I think I was running a temperature that very morning. Still, I knew what work had to be done and I simply sucked it all up and forgot I was feeling sick by noon-time. Still, it was unbelievable how physically weak I was compared to just the Wednesday before. I was practically out of breath by the time we fully loaded the minivan the first time around with the remaining junk we had in the garage and basement, and a few hours later when we were finally ready to depart for the disposal site for the very last time? The two trips to the dump the week before I could handle with relative ease, but my fucking God, I felt like I was about to die on Tuesday by the time it was all said and done. And that was just for the garbage disposal crap; there was still a lot more we had to load into the van to take back to the new home, stuff I had never even seen before in my entire life. And beyond that, I had to wash the floors, scrub the damn sinks and vacuum every single room in that two story house of ours, which practically broke my back all over again after that goddam garbage crap did an hour before. God, did I ever feel wasted...

And even after the house was finally as clean as we were offering to make it for the closing date, my day still wasn't done. I had to drive my parents to their lawyer's office in downtown Toronto so they could hand over the house keys and finalize the paperwork for the afternoon after. I didn't get home until almost midnight, and the only way I managed to survive the long drive home was by crashing on the couch in the lawyer's office for as long as I was there. I was originally planning to study during that time, but I could barely see straight let alone walk a crooked line. I'm going to miss that old home of mine, I lived there for twenty years afterall and I still get misty-eyed every time I look out its front window and remember when we planted that enormous ever-green tree that was once my childhood height. I actually said goodbye to each and every room in that house before we left, slowly shutting each door to personally close that chapter of my life. I will never forget that home of mine simply because that was where I was raised for twenty years and that is where I became who I am. I spent so many hours just sitting in my room, musing about life while so damn miserable about the girls that I had fallen for, writing so many damn website updates that I can't even begin to read it all now. I spent so many days and nights in that basement, watching so many movies and playing so many video games during that golden era of high school when all forms of entertainment actually felt worthwhile to me. I will never forget that kitchen that still scents of the Chinese food that my mother cooks to this very day. I spent twenty whole years of my life in that home, and nothing can ever replace that. I almost wish we could've kept the house forever like a memory etched in stone, but I guess my sore back didn't quite agree...

Thankfully I had a few days to recover before Saturday, which was the day my brother and his fiancee had chosen to gather the wedding party together for dinner and drinks. Alas, I'm as hardcore of an introvert as you can get, and while I can manage to pretend to be social for an hour or two, there's just something about meets and greets that make them far more mentally taxing and draining than even an entire day of cleaning and moving from the goddam house. Saturday morning I crammed and studied as hard as I could for my Intermediate Financial Accounting exam Sunday morning, and luckily I was able to relax for lunch all by myself before I had to suit up for the rest of the day. Because it was in the early afternoon that I joined up with my brother and his groomsmen, and literally did suit up in terms of taking our tuxedo measurements for the wedding day come August. After an hour or two of trying to stand still in a single spot with bad posture, I went to "chill" with the guys at the local Milestone's restaurant and bar, though I certainly never feel relaxed whenever I'm hanging out and chilling. I don't drink alcohol really, simply by choice to be honest, and thus two hours at the bar feels like practically an eternity for me. The rest of the guys just laid back and talked about their old days at college, while I did my best to join in our their conversations but I really didn't know what to say. I was there for my brother and I wanted to make sure I was on good terms with the other groomsmen, but it didn't take long after the tuxedo fitting until I felt like I was getting a temperature and began to feel the start of a goddam migraine. Not fun...

And the night certainly wasn't over yet. At 7 pm, we all left and met up with my brother's fiancee and her bridesmaids at the Italian restaurant they chose. I wanted to make sure I made a good lasting impression on every member of the wedding party, and I think I did a decent job of somewhat blending in (aside from the free round of shots on the house, of course). Dinner was alright too; I probably should've been more adventurous than to stick with my usual penne in rose sauce, but it is my favourite and standard dish whenever I go to a new restaurant and it did turn out to be relatively tasty where we went. The night didn't end until past 10 pm though, which was when half of the group left to go clubbing in downtown Toronto and the other half decided to treat my brother to another round of drinks at a local pub. My brother knew I had yet another midterm exam the very morning after, so that was my free pass and get out of jail card to return home and just try to gather myself for the next day. After being out of the house and socializing for eight or nine hours straight, my introverted self was exhausted and completely dead beyond belief within. I meant to study as soon as I got home, but soon found that an hour had been whisked away after I accidentally fell asleep on my goddam books, leaving a puddle of drool as proof. In the end, I did manage to force myself to cram until 3 am in the morning, but I certainly didn't prepare as much as I should've...

Simply put, my exam was a disaster. Or my entire Sunday was the shittiest of days, to be honest. Intermediate Financial Accounting has already proven to be the toughest of the bunch, considering I received a 72% on the first midterm in the course yet was still fifth highest in my section. I wish I could believe I will get a similar mark on the second exam of the class, but that's certainly not the feeling I had throughout those three straight hours of goddam intellectual hell. I hate my professor, I really do; she's a stony bitch who's probably just teaching because she thinks she's helping the world. Her exams are completely ambiguous and confusing, probably with the intention of "preparing us for the complexities of real work", but in the end she only reminds me of managers who have absolutely no clue what they want or how to communicate it. Almost every exam question she presents is a mix and match of all the fringe cases in the textbook problems, most of which she didn't even assign to us (claiming they wouldn't be relevant for the test), while also always adding a pinch of her own flavour of vocabulary so that I for one have no clue whatever the bloody hell she is trying to ask. Add to that multiple choice selections which are so similar to one another that there's normally only a single word of difference at most, and combine that with the fact she puts "none of the above" in every single question (and far too often actually chooses that to be the answer)? It was a miracle I pulled a 70% on her first midterm, and I'll be lucky if I can even pass her second. All I want is a goddam B in the goddam course, but even that is in jeopardy...

My horrible day didn't end there though. Besides the Toronto Raptors putting up yet another stinker, losing at home to the Philadelphia 76ers, on the same Sunday where the Maple Leafs also got beat by the same damn city? It was then that I finally started feeling the same uneasiness and queasiness that I did the Tuesday before. My temperature started running a fever, my stomach started churning and chirping, and my body became so weak to the point where I felt my shoulders were going to fall off from the textbook in my backpack. By the time I finally got home, I was feeling even worse off, desperately trying to close my eyes and get some sleep yet my goddam temperature just wouldn't yield any relief. I also found out that my noname website had been deleted by my free web hosting server, and in loyalty to my two remaining readers, it was a pain in the ass to set it all back up again. To make matters even worse, almost like a kick to the groin as punctuation on the goddam shitty ass Sunday, I got an e-mail reporting that my Human Resources midterm mark was in. Believing it to be a bird course and thinking I must've at least achieved a 75% without trying, I opened up the letter and regretted my decision ever goddam since. I mean seriously, I got 60% on the fucking midterm assignment, a sixty fucking percent? And class average was 65%? WTF? What the hell happened? I was at a loss for words. Seriously, how the hell did I fuck up so badly?...

I guess it's arguable whether today has been any better at all. I still feel sick, I'm still worried that any food I eat will come back out and not as delicious as it was before, and I'm still pissed at how badly I did in Human Resources and how poorly I'm sure I fared in Intermediate Financial Accounting as well. I guess it makes sense that I would suddenly fall ill now, considering my mind has been in overdrive for the past three or four weeks, and it's only now that I can finally get some rest and let my body recover from the goddam sorry state that it was in. There are still plenty of things left to do on my checklist, namely two university assignments due next week and two more at the end of the month. But finally with all the moving dates done and finished, and with all the immediate concerns for my brother's wedding completed and out of the way, today was my day to be myself, by myself. Figures I'd be sick...

For the next two weeks, my horizon is relatively calm and clear, but starting in April, shit hits the fan once again. I had received a call last Thursday from the HR Recruiter who got me that job interview a month or two before. It turns out that same company has found a potential position for me and wanted to phone me about my intentions on Friday afternoon. So I waited at home to absolutely no avail while studying all of that day, with no phone call or even an e-mail reminder to boot. Disappointed, I suffered through my Sunday and finally got the phone call I was waiting for this morning, unfortunately ruining my sleep but I guess it might be worth it in the end. I've now agreed to return back to their downtown office this Wednesday in order to have a second interview, hopefully this time in person and not over the phone. The position available is a six month contract to work for a business client in Scarborough, which would require me to wake up rather early to beat the traffic but it's entirely doable, for the right amount of cash that is. It sounds to be a far more technical role than what I was hoping for, considering I'm learning so many business and accounting principles to go along with my computer programming skills. But a job is a job and the company from what I've seen so far looks to be a professional working environment that I can handle. I mentioned before that I'm worried I've become too invested in my university studies; I shouldn't ever forget that I went back to school mainly because I couldn't find a goddam job. Maybe I'll end up enjoying this office a few weeks after I start. The start date though is a concern...

The company wants me to begin training on April 5th, which of course I can do but it'll sure play havoc with the rest of my life. April 8th through the 20th are the dates of my exams, and I will have seven of those bloody hell things (one extra thanks to a competency test to try and skip a taxation course I don't want to go through). Not only that, but at least two of those exams have already been scheduled to be written in the goddam morning or afternoon, forcing me to take time off from work when I'm in the middle of goddam training. Add to that the fact I've always intended to take as many courses as I can in summer school thanks to their shortness and brevity in terms of less assignments and tests, and then seriously, how the fuck busy am I going to be in April, May, June and July? Unless I finally do realize I can't handle having both a full time job and full time studies at goddam York University at the same damn time, I'll be working on site in Scarborough every single weekday while desperately cramming for all six summer courses that I want to take through July. I will never feel any rest or relaxation during the weekends, and I wouldn't even have good television to fall back on or the goddam Toronto Raptors to vent and transfer all my damn frustrations onto anymore. And I can't forget about the ongoing house renovations either; once the contractors in the basement finally finish the bathroom tiling and after painting the bedroom walls, it's up to me and my father to add in the carpets, finish the baseboards, and clean the whole mess up with who knows how many vacuums and washes. All the meanwhile, between juggling full time work with full time studies, I'll be preparing for my brother's bachelor party and wedding come August to boot. Just how bloody hell busy will I be? How the hell will I survive 'till then?...

To add insult to injury, to further goddam salt the wound, my final day of exams is my goddam birthday and the day before her's, really. I do want to contact her, I really do. It's been well over a year now since I last heard from her and I know she doesn't even care, but there's a part of me that just won't let go and I can't help but pray and hope that she will finally contact me again sometime this year. I'll admit it, in my mind I've been struggling yet dreaming of the thought that I would be working and studying while in a real relationship all at the same time. I don't know how the hell I would find the time or energy to pull that off, but for the only girl I've ever truly fallen for? I would make time for her above all else. If she were to contact me today or tomorrow or even years down the road, I would always make sure I'm there for her. But I also know I would never get the same care or concern in return. I never did, afterall...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? And believe me, I will at least try to maintain my studies while working on my career at the same damn time. Fun, really...

I don't know how successful I will be at that. I don't know if that'll bring the sort of meaning and self-actualization into my life that I keep hoping that it will...

But it seems, feeling so burnt out? It gives me a reason to write, and that means something, to me at least...