Y2kk Update: Well, I did it.

I finally did it...

... not that it means much or anything...

... it's not like I got laid...

... though I was on all fours...

... begging like some sort of, um, begging type of dog...

... I finally crawled over the finish line...

Because even with my horrendous marks, thank God I'm moving onto fourth year of university...

...

I went back to my university last week, after the goddam exam committee turned down my goddam medical petition. I mean, my marks haven't changed worth a dime since I failed my exams with bloody hell twenty percents somehow. And goddammit, I still don't know just how I could've done so damn badly... I thought I was actually improving this year. Next year, somebody please kick me in the pills whenever I'm feeling cocky...

But thank God for my clean record... For the past two and a half years of university, I've scrapped by the system, just barely getting the minimum marks needed to pass without getting a goddam permanent blotch on my goddam record. And solely because of that one damn fact, my school is letting me move onto fourth year, even after failing more courses that the rule book allows...

... the only problem?

Well... my fourth year... it won't be my last...

... because unless a miracle happens and my appeal for the medical petition decision to be overturned goes through, I'm going to be going into fourth year with two goddam failed courses in one term. Which means what?... Which means that there's no way in hell that I can finish every damn course that I have to finish in a single year... I'm still half hoping that the engineering counselor can make an exception for me though. The rule book says I can only have a max of six courses in a single term, which means I can't do the two I failed along with the five I need all at once. And with the courses I need not supplied in the first term or goddam summer school, that pretty means I'm getting fucked in the end. And that pretty damn means that I won't be graduating from goddam engineering any time soon...

... there is another problem too, of course...

... my goddam design project...

I've already mentioned that I'm in goddam hot water over the situation with my partners right now, right? Half of my friends in university either got co-op and will be gone for the next year, and the other half of my friends managed to fail the year... and of course, because of my incompetence, my only sole remaining project partner decided to ditch me for some dirty blonde... so simply put, short story short, I really have no hope of ever finding a group of people to team up with for the fourth year design project. I either get randomized into a group that will undoubtedly hate me, or I simply take my chances and try to tackle an entire design project myself...

... pff... yeah, right... I think I'd rather take my chances in a Dodgeball tournament...

... but... there is one last choice that I may be willing to make...

I admit that I'd rather finish university this goddam year, rather than drag on my goddam education for two more years. Because especially after this fascist fiasco of a term, I can finally conclude that the University of Toronto has done what I once deemed the absolute impossible: this university has somehow managed to make me hate school even more than I do the real world... because I suppose this is the real world now, goddammit... and it sucks just as much as any goddam reality TV show...

... but even if I want to get out of goddam school as soon as possible, what are the fucking chances of me actually passing a term with seven goddam courses, all of which I'd be absolutely clueless in as always?...

... so I'm thinking of proposing this to my counselor... That I take all my regular courses now, and simply wait until next year to do my design project once my friends return from co-op internships... Now, there are obviously holes in this plan... a) my friends will hate me by then, considering they've basically stopped talking to me over the summer already... b) they'll probably resent me even more, considering I'm sure none of them want a lazy ass motherfucking idiot like me in their groups... and c) it'll be really awkward to work with people who actually have real world experience with this shit... hell, they'll probably all think they're the shit when they come back, while I'll be nothing more than a goddam pile of shit in their eyes...

... because I'm already all that in my own eyes, at least...

... but on the bright side? If I steer the above course, I'll be formally done my schooling at least... the design project isn't really a course, although it takes up the entire spot of one on the ol' schedule... Having only the design project in my 'fifth' year, so to speak, would actually give me the time and opportunity to get a goddam job for once on the side (which I completely and utterly failed to do this summer around, truth be sadly told...). And it's also almost too late for me to even be randomized into a design project team at this point - all the smart people at least wanted to spend the summer getting ahead of the project since they really had nothing better to do...

... so what am I to do?...

... I'm not sure right now... and quite frankly? Even though my situation still stinks a horses' ass, I really don't give much of a damn about it.

Because goddammit, I made it...

... I may be lacking a girlfriend, a voice, a friend, a brain, a penis, and perhaps most impotently and importantly, my pride...

... but goddammit, I still made it...

I may have barely crawled over the finish line after taking too many goddam shots in the mouth, but goddammit, I made it...

I went to this University of Toronto engineering school for a challenge. That has always been my goal, even since I was a little child...

... and, well...

... yeah, I know... I sure was a dumbass...

... but if I just get that goddam worthless iron ring, it'll be all worth it...

ATI: ATI has released a new Multimedia Center Update. I don't know what version 9.1 does exactly, but go ahead and find out with the Windows XP version at: http://www.ati.com/support/drivers/winxp/radeonopt-xp.html?.

ATI: Well, it's not much news, but Driverheaven has a review up for the X800XT PCIe... Now, I'm not normally the guy who cares for video card reviews anymore, considering I'd rather buy a room full of Xboxes than waste my cash on a video card that'll be outdated in a week. But PCIe does interest me, so go ahead and jump on the not so revolutionary train at: http://www.driverheaven.net/reviews/R423/index.htm.

Y2kk Update: Lest we ever forget.

I know I couldn't... I can't believe someone suggested that I could...

D-Day has come and gone... and yes, I wish I had written a tribute to the day or something on my websites. At least that would've meant for something...

Because?... well... I was actually insulted by my sister the other day. Or at least, I felt insulted... I have no idea why she had such yee little faith in me, but she actually asked me (in a condescending tone that showed she didn't even believe I'd know the answer) when was D-Day, and what happened on that day?... Now, I can't speak for the entire youth of North America. I know that since it's not really a beer drinking holiday, not everyone knows that June 6th (or originally, June 5th if weather permitted...) was the Day of Delivery on the beaches of Normandy France...

But c'mon already! Honestly, what's with people like my sister these days? Sheesh. I know that there's a certain oxymoron going around society these days, that "history is in the past" and should stay in the past, but give me a frickin' break already! Almost every single person out there knows that the Americans, British, and yes, even the Canadians invaded Europe at least (some ignore the Russian front on the other side, but that's besides the point...). They may not know that it was called D-Day, and not everyone may know the date that it happened... but what the fuck was wrong with my older sister, actually asking me in a serious tone whether I fucking knew what D-Day was about or some shit like that? Did she honestly not expect me to know? Does she honestly not expect anyone who made it through high school to even remember a single year of their history classes?... I can understand why a member of society's wannabe elite like her, would assume the worst about the general public. But what the hell was wrong with her, when she actually asked me like that?

Lest I ever forget...

Sheesh...

Still...

I didn't really take enough time to mourn the lost soldiers of D-Day this year. That much, I sadly admit... Instead, it just irritated me to no ends instead that today's modern hippies willingly remember and honour the men and women of the two World Wars, yet completely ignore all the soldiers who returned home to countries that completely hated them for Korea, Vietnam, and Iraq... But while I certainly didn't spend enough time remembering our fallen war heroes, I did spend the entire morning at least reflecting on all the articles I had read about the now fallen president who had sent so many of those brave soldiers out to war... or at least, out to Cold War...

I honestly cannot even fathom it... as if it's my worst fear...

The man that was once the most powerful man in the world, died of a disease where he couldn't even remember what his name was...

That's irony for you. And true tragedy, in my opinion at least...

But not according to one of my university friends... not according to him, at least...

Note to myself: never, EVAR bring up politics again with my friends at engineering university... I mean, they're all good people. They're smart, educated, and normally open minded about any sort of topic... EXCEPT FUCKING AMERICAN POLITICS. They refuse to listen or heed any damn comment even remotely in favour of the United States, lest they start shouting, screaming at me names, and calling George Bush a monkey (and showing the internet pics to prove it...). And on normal days, I wouldn't even consider that a problem. Hell, I don't think I'd ever accept a positive comment about Osama Bin Laden and his henchmen from them, so I suppose the tables and tides of propaganda wars are considered to be fair... fair game, I suppose...

But please, somebody fucking shoot me if I ever bring up American politics with my university friends again... I mentioned to one of my buddies from Sri Lanka the night that Ronald Reagan passed away, that, umm... obviously, that Ronald Reagan passed away... And yeah, like the cold hearted bastard that I was, I tried to "blend" in with my friend's opinions at first by claiming that Reagan was a cruel hearted man who ruled the end of the Cold War era with an iron fist of his own... and of course, my friend laughed. That's the respect I wanted from him, I suppose...

But then I wrote to him, "still... death is death". And no matter what Ronald Reagan did, you have to respect him just for that one night alone at least, if only because he was a man who didn't deserve to die of Alzheimer's. If only because... well... because he was a man who died...

But, umm...

... yeah... that's when my friend started shitting all over Reagan's legacy with his mouth, saying things like "the bitch doesn't deserve any respect" and rhetorical (and possibly true) crap like that. And since politics is just as touchy of a subject to me as it is to him (and also considering my grandparents are having their own memory problems right now, making Reagan's death seem so much closer to home), I tried talking some sense into him, replying that nobody deserves to die a withered shell of his former self like Reagan did...

... but my friend just didn't seem to care that night. He went on and on with more satirical comments that Reagan was a tyrannical curse on the world, that it was a blessing that he died, that he hoped American war monging politics would die with him, yadda yadda yadda... though, well - to be honest, he didn't write that much. He only lambasted and necrophilia fucked over the dead president maybe a half dozen times until my golden silence sort of shut him up... because to be honest, he was my friend. What the fuck was I supposed to say back?

I had one goddam cardinal rule in my entire life: never bring up fucking politics. And I fucked that up.

Fuck.

And, yeah... well... I sort of just said I was going to watch the rest of the NHL Stanley Cup hockey game at that point, and kinda hung up on him over MSN Messenger that night... the moment after I did, I felt horrible for taking his comments so personally, especially after all my vows and promises and even providences to myself to never take this kind of shit seriously... I tried to talk friendly with him the night after, and he seemed fine with me over the internet at least. But we haven't spoken very much since then... and I'm afraid that over something as meaningless as a night's worth of politics, a close friendship can be eternally strained... this was my exact fear the moment that I met all my friends from Muslim countries. I mean, I knew right off the bat that they were good men. That they were smart men... That they were fun, and funny, and definitely even wise at times... But you just can't talk to them about politics. The best and hopeful of the lot simply shrug the topic off... but the rest? The rest have fucking literally gutted my throat for even attempting to say something against an Islamic country. Hell, at times they're even willing to beat me over the head with baseball bats just for bringing up the sport of Cricket in a negative way (although they've gotten used to my satirical comments by now... mostly...)... I wish I could be more open to them about my political beliefs, but if first year and this last little spite of mine is any indication?...

I honestly want to keep them as good friends. Afterall, they're good people.

So note to myself: never, EVAR fucking bring up politics again...

...

... sigh... I wish keeping friends was really that simple...

The thing is, the massive black hole that's sucking my life dry, day by day, ready to puke me right back out as bile, just spat another goddam painful wad of pitiful torment and tantalizing anguish across my goddam tainted path. Because the thing is... well, I was supposed to do an original design project for fourth year with my friends at university. We were going to make a biomedical portable device, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... But two members of my group backed out of the project when they finally got co-op positions at the very last minute of the year. Which left me with what? One other partner, to do a goddam year-long microprocessor hardware design that's way beyond any kind of experience level that we have?...

... but hey, life shits on you, right? That's just life for you. Even God has to take a piss sometime. And I was willing to put up with the consequences... Afterall, I've been looking so damn forward to doing an engineering design project since high school, if I can even remember properly. And to do so, all I had to do, was fucking make it through the final exams of third year. And then my partner and I could fucking start on the project and maybe even get most of it done in the summer months...

... yeah, umm...

... shit...

... things didn't exactly go the way I planned...

You see, first of all, I fucking failed third year. And how? By some fucking toiler shitter of God, that's how... Unless I had suddenly grown encompassingly, mentally retarded during my exams, writhing and writing wrong answers obliviously even though the correct answers were dangling fresh in my head, I honestly do not goddam understand how I fucking could've dropped at least 10% in almost every single one of my fucking six courses this term... but I did, somehow. And now I have to pay the fucking engineering piper for the consequences...

Thanks to not knowing whether I can even participate in the fourth year design project or not, my partner was left in a state of rather nervous, ground state despair. He didn't know what to do, because I didn't know what the fuck to do... A month passed with only a few e-mails exchanged between us. I still haven't gotten word of whether my medical petition was accepted or not, and I still haven't gotten word from any of my professors about my exam remarks... So I haven't had any positive news to tell my partner over the internet. And since without me, he's barely started on the design project, he hasn't had any positive news to tell me neither.

... but he certainly had a lot of bad news to spew back in my face... on a single day, no less...

The thing is... I understand his predicament... I understand what he's doing, and why... but honestly... I also knew from the very first fucking day I met him, that he was the kind of guy who would backstab me in a second... Hell, I even wrote in my early university updates that this was one fucking guy that I simply could not trust. I trusted my friends who hung around him, but I simply did not trust him... he honestly acts as the equivalent of a used car salesman to me at times, in an honest kind of Islamic way at least. And while we've forged a kind of friendship, it was really only forged from the fires of Mordor necessity, out of cumbersome talk because us (as it's what people do when you share the same damn friends).

So it came as little to no fucking shock to me when this partner of mine called me earlier this week, right of the blue... and told me that he was leaving the fucking design project group (not like two people really count as a group, mind you)... Now, like I said, this was completely understandable. I didn't know whether I could move onto fourth year or not, and this partner of mine had friends of his own who would allow him to join their group for fourth year. So I get what he did, and I get why he did it. And I accepted that at the time... I mean, it annoyed me that he wouldn't even wait until the end of this month for my goddam, fucking remarking results to file onto the internet websites. It kind of killed me that he was abandoning me so quickly, with barely even a whisper of hesitation. But still... I understand why he was doing what he did...

It's just that... he didn't just call me just to tell me that he was merely thinking of joining another group... it seems that behind my back, he was talking to our professors to actually leave our design project group without even having my fucking permission... and since he obviously needed my permission?... well then...

... the thing is, I'm not an asshole. I understood his predicament, so I promised I'd send a letter to our professors in a day or so, signing my name to prove that I give my partner permission to leave me all by my fucking self for fourth year. And was I bitter? Yes, of course I was bitter... he may have been leaving me for a good reason, but he was still leaving me. He was still betraying me, in a small way at least... but still... I was okay with the whole thing at first. We talked it over the phone, I promised to write to the professors, and I was being honest with him when I said I was okay with what he was doing. And I was going to write the letters the first thing the morning after...

... and, well...

... that's when the asshole called again...

It was late at night, and even he knew it - he even apologized to me for calling my fucking phone so late at night (though yes, I was still awake... I normally write Y2kk Updates after midnight, thank you very much... but my dad? Well, he was asleep at the time...). I obviously knew why he called, but I asked him exactly anyhew, just to humour myself in the midst of the pitch black night... and naturally, he wanted me to write the e-mail to the professors RIGHT GODDAM NOW. And why? Because it was more convenient for him. He wanted to start with the new group as soon as the day after tomorrow, so he needed me to sign away his fucking lease form before the professors even wake up the morning hereafter... I didn't say much to him - not after how inconsiderate he was being to me. I just said I'd write the e-mail (afterall, I did give him my word), and then I pretty much hung up... I then wrote the goddam e-mail, sent it to him and the professors, waited for him to say thank-you to me online, and still have yet to hear a goddam peep from the creep since...

... the first time he called, I was bitter that was leaving me all alone, with no other group to join. Afterall, now that he's abandoned me, even if I do manage to move onto fourth year, I have to find a fucking new group, while all my other friends are at fucking co-op. Do yeah, you're fucking right - I am bitter... but I wasn't bitter at this ex-partner of mine, not for the first phone call at least...

But the second call? For the second fucking call, late at night, just to fucking push me into signing over his goddam freedom?

I mean honestly, what the fuck?

If he needed the e-mail right away, he should've specified I needed to write it right away. And by him calling me a second time that very same night, and from the tone of his voice? It absolutely showed what I've always suspected - that simply put, he doesn't give a damn about me. He doesn't give a damn about the situation he's put me into. All he fucking cares about, is that I help him get his fucking way. That's it, that's all, that's all she fucking wrote...

Am I overreacting? Maybe, or maybe not. He hasn't thanked me since we last talked, he never had the intention of helping me find a new design project group to goddam work with, and besides asking if his phone call was too late, he showed absolutely no compassion for me that second time he called. He only cared about himself, a trait I just knew was in him the first time I met him, yet I just shrugged it off as mere prejudice and irrational fear... I hate to believe that first impressions and even stereotypes of certain people are the honest to God way to view the world. But honestly, after he fucking fucked me over this week, regardless of whether he was justified or not?...

I honestly find it rarer and rarer, and sadder and sadder, that so few people actually surprise me by breaking through the first impressions that I have of them... my partner could never be trusted - I knew that way back then, so why not now?... and my other friend who gave me a good slap to the face with a thousand bitch slaps to Reagan's legacy? I knew the moment I met him that he was a good person, and maybe one of the best friends I could make in university... but he definitely was not a person that I could talk to seriously about anything I actually really cared about, without getting fucked back that is... he's a good friend though, which is why I feel so guilty for harboring ill feelings towards him...

So note to myself: never, EVAR bring up politics again. And never, EVAR believe a man trying to be successful in the world, would ever stick to the side of his so-called friend when push comes to shove... when the beaches of Normandy are stormed...

Unless you're a band of brothers, there is no spoon. So I should keep my fucking mouth shut...

D-Day has come and gone. To them at least, where poppies grow - to them, I solemnly say, thank you.

Lest we ever forget.

ATI: The big news of the week, and possibly the only big video card news of the entire month, has been the release of ATI's new Catalyst 4.6 drivers for almost all ATI video cards. They improve pixel shader performance in games, optimized some OpenGL stuff as well, and fixed up a bunch of crap corruption problems when switching resolutions and refresh rates and stuff like that. Go ahead and download the driver of your choice at: http://www.ati.com/support/driver.html.

ATI: You know what's sad? I've been following PCI-Express (or what turned into PCI-Express) since the first AGP slots came out. I was sadly convinced that an upgraded PCI slot would make AGP obsolete before even the AGP2x cards would come out... then AGP4x arrived, then 8x, then so on... and now that PCI Express is finally taking over the computer? I ironically just don't care anymore... I lost interest in the computing scene when the current generation of consoles were being announced, I think...

But if you're the type to care, then you might as well know that PCI Express will be replacing both PCI and AGP expansion ports, and will be definitely supported by ATI's upcoming Radeon-X lineup. You can read about the future of their video cards at: http://www.driverheaven.net/articles/PCI-Express/, http://www.firingsquad.com/hardware/ati_pci_express/, http://www.anandtech.com/video/showdoc.html?i=2066, and TechReport over at: http://techreport.com/etc/2004q2/ati-pcie/index.x?pg=1.

ATI: Wow... video card news really sucks these days. Guess it goes hand in hand with the PC gaming industry, eh?... yeah, um... nevermind...

Saw some news over at Rage3d. It seems the only news that really makes the ATI headlines these days are PR business reports. Seems Transmeta or Linus fame is teaming up with ATI to produce faster, cooler chips in the future. Go ahead and read the press release at: http://home.businesswire.com/portal/site/google/index.jsp?ndmViewId=news_view&newsId=20040601005058&newsLang=en.

Y2kk Update: I was hoping to save this update until I finally got some goddam good news...

... I never did...

... fuck...

...

... in case you haven't been following my exploits for a while, prepare for some rather gratuitous expletives...

... in case you haven't read anything that I recently wrote, I might as well let you two readers know that I fucking failed this Spring term of university, ready for explusion...

And you know what really disturbs me? I just don't get it. I just don't understand. I just don't fucking know how...

How did I fucking fail?... I know how I failed one course. I got 25% on the midterm, got 50% on the final. I was promised by my professor that if I passed the final exam, I'd pass the course. Then I failed the course, even after passing the exam, and simply shrugged my shoulders in callous despair that my professor was a complete, asshole of a goddam liar... I even confronted him about it at school. He said he passed on my midterm petition, but apparently the course coordinator didn't even goddam give a damn about my personal situation at the time. Apparently, my professor had no power to do absolutely anything, even after fucking promising me that he did... And apparently, passing the final with a mark over twice what I got on the fucking midterm wasn't bloody hell enough for the course coordinator to just shrug and say I deserve a pass in the course... So I wrote again to this course coordinator fucker of mine. I asked him to recheck my exam and please just give me a few more marks, if only to help my sessional average reach the needed 60%. And you know what he wrote back?...

... he fucking threatened me, saying he didn't appreciate being coerced into illegal activities by me or some shit like that...

... yeah... I don't think that exactly counts as good news, now does it?...

Then there was that other course I failed... the one I'm so fucking embarrassed even to write about... I walked into the final exam with a 60%. I thought I passed the final with a 50%... and yet... I ended the course with a fucking 47%? And for who? For what? For why? I don't fucking know... My professor claims that I failed the final exam with a 20%. He even went as far as to claim that I would be in the 30s with my final mark if I wasn't goddam saved by the bell curve... saved, my ass... I mean honestly, WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I went into the final having passed every single fucking test with class average marks. And yet my professor didn't give a single damn that maybe, just maybe, my record in the course proves that I shouldn't have fucking failed the course... And please goddammit, I only needed a few more perfect to pass! And goddammit, he still refused to help me, so I had no choice but to force him to by supplying a goddam medical petition. I have no idea whether I'll be rewarded in the end or not... all I know is, that I'm so fucking screwed...

... yeah... that doesn't count as good news either, I suppose...

Well, here's a mind-tickler for you... There was only one professor that I ever talked to in person after my marks came in. The rest completely shrugged off my requests for personal meetings, and instead chose to just threaten me over the phone and internet... But this one professor alone did agree to see me, although I knew it was really for nothing, considering I got 50% dead on in the goddam course... I mean, I had failed the course once, so I figured that he gave me a saving grace of a perfect pass because he wouldn't let me fail a second time around. The problem was, I refused to believe that I failed the course a second time. I passed the midterm this year with twice the score I did last year, and I couldn't possibly have done that badly on the final exam a second time around, now could I?... could I?...

... oh wait... well... apparently, I did... Because guess what? My professor kindly told me to my face, that I actually failed the course with a fucking 47% this year... again... and, umm...

WTF?!

I failed... the course... a second time... with a fucking 47%... the same, exact fucking 47% that I fucking failed the course with last year?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

...

... yeah, well... it seemed that my professor didn't even remember who I was in the end. I started talking about getting the same mark last year (yet he wouldn't pass me last year...), but he didn't even have a clue what I was saying, so I just shook his hand, thanked him from the bottom of my heart for his generosity (which was a bloody hell year late), and then set off, fully knowing that I was still fucking screwed because I couldn't get any more help out of the guy... I mean, now I felt even worse. Not only did I fail two courses this term, but I actually fucked up three. And one of those fucking courses was the same, exact course that fucked me over last year? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!!?...

... the fucking thing is, I was doing well in that course... the fucking thing is, I was doing well in the other course I failed as well... and you know what the fucking saddest part of it all is? I was completely goddam floored and dumbfounded when I first got my marks back, because up until I saw that screaming face of the devil (my own reflection in the monitor, might I add), not only was I doing well in every course this year, but I fucking felt like I did well on all the goddam finals as well...

I mean honestly, what the fuck happened?...

For my Operating Systems course, I thought I aced that exam. And what did I end up with in the course somehow? Thanks to the midterm I thought I aced as well but horribly failed, I ended with a 61%... no help there... And what about my networking course? After all the labs I spent weeks and months on in that course, I went into the final with what I considered to be a decent mark, and somehow fucked up the exam enough that I only ended up with a 70%... But there was one last course that could've saved my ass, and I knew that it would. I was sure in my heart that it would... I mean, sure I thought I passed my Complexity final, and ended up getting less than half of what I bloody hell expected. And sure, I thought I aced my OS and Networking exams, and ended up with barely passing marks on either of those finals... But a lot of the questions asked on those exams were subjective. Not everything was set in Camelot stone... Apparently, every professor hates me and my handwriting, or just hates my goddam websites, so...

There was this one last Samurai of a course that I knew I would do well in. There was one last course that I beat class average on the midterm, I beat class average on all the labs, and I was heading into the final exam with over an 80% in. And it was this one last course that I absolutely, positively, 100% guaran-damn-teed knew that I fucking aced the final... I went in, recognized almost every single question instantly like the back of my masturbating hand, and finished nearly every single question in just a flick of a snap. I double checked it once, double checked it twice, just in case I was naughty or nice... And even after the exam, I compared my answers to my friends, and we all got the same damn things! I even counted all the marks I was 100% sure of on the exam, and there was no fucking way I was getting less than an eighty fucking percent in the course... there was absolutely no way out... and I desperately needed an 83% in the course to get the 60% term average I so desperately needed to move onto fourth year. And it really, truly showed my confidence in this one course alone, that I honestly believed I could get that 83% I needed, to have a fighting chance at passing fucking third year of computer fucking engineering...

I was so damn sure... my Computer Hardware mark - the final mark... that was what I was waiting for, to write this very update... that was what I was waiting for - at last, good news... just a drop of water... just a grain of mana... just, something... anything... goddammit, please, anything...

... yeah, well...

Fuck.

...

... I mean, what the fuck?!...

How is this even possible? What the fuck happened?!?

I ended the course... with a 72%... a 72 fucking percent?

A SEVENTY-TWO FUCKING PERCENT?!?

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could've gone wrong on that exam. I counted marks, I compared answers, I studied like a bitch. I knew my fucking stuff, so what the fuck happened?... but does it even matter anymore?... with my term average now a dismal 57%, I knew I fucking failed the term, and only my goddam medical petition could save me now... but just out of curiousity... I was sure that the only way I could've dropped below an eighty in that goddam curse of a course, was if there was somehow a negative bell curve... so I called up some of my computing friends... and what the fuck do you know? What the fuck?... We had all compared answers after the exam. We had all the same damn answers... And yet their marks ended up in the A regions? And yet mine dropped ten fucking percent? TEN FUCKING PERCENT?!?

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HAPPENED?!?...

... motherfucker...

After going into the final exam with an A, I dropped ten fucking perfect in the easiest yet hardest working course of the year?... In networking, I worked my damn ass off on all those labs, only to drop five fucking percent after the final I thought was straight forward?... In Operating Systems, I spent those two entire damn weeks of my life dedicated to nothing else but redeeming myself for that midterm, and yet look what the fuck happened? I barely pass the fucking course that was fucking goddam easy as dirt to me... And what the fuck happened with my other courses? How the fuck did I fucking manage to fall fifteen fucking percent in one goddam course, and ten fucking percent in the other?... Ironically, the only course that I actually improved on after the finals, was the goddam course that I was already getting fucked in after that massacre of a goddam midterm... honestly, what the fuck is wrong with me?...

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?

...

I'm not normally one for superstitions, but I don't know... I just don't know... there's a homeless man near the streets of my university. Traditionally, I give him a few dollars every exam season (yes, just a few dollars - I'm that cheap...), just in the hope that a selfishly-motivated good deed could keep me out of the probation penalty box for one more year... just one more year... the problem is, I forgot to pay the piper this year... I forgot that he was even there, thanks to the construction being done in the area... and now I'm fucked... now I'm his bitch...

All I can do now is pray... I've paid for all of my exams to be remarked. I've submitted my medical petition, although I now regret that I didn't put the courses that I thought I'd do well on in the petition as well (I never thought I'd drop 10% in Computer Hardware... so I didn't put it on the petition to get my final exam dropped... I really am a stupid assclown, now aren't I?...).... but besides all this, and talking to my professors? Is there really anything else I can do?... I fucking failed my third year of engineering. In a year where all my friends have left for co-op jobs or fourth year design projects, in a year where nobody is standing still but I, I don't even know what the fuck is going on. I don't even know which way is up...

...

... the part that still kills me inside, the wound that still guts my entrails, is that I honestly thought this was going to be one of my best damn semesters of school, ever... seriously, I was doing well in each and every course. I didn't play video games during exams, nor watch a load of TV (except for the Maple Leafs games... fucking Leafs...)... I concentrated hard during the finals, and I thought I did reasonably well on each and every single one of them. I thought I guaranteed myself a B average this term, I honestly did... and now look at the fucking mess I've gotten myself into, and I honestly don't fucking know how...

... how the fuck could things go so wrong, when they felt so right?...

... how the fuck could I get so fucked?...

... that's the paradox I'm facing right now... that's the paradox I simply cannot resolve...

... and I was hoping that I wouldn't write a new download update until I finally got some good news. I was waiting for my Computer Hardware mark to show up, as maybe an 85% to save my term average, or for the exam committee to finally e-mail me back with good news about accepting my medical petition... I was hoping that one of my professors would find a huge mistake on my exams in terms of marking... Maybe they even got my name wrong? I don't know... I can only wish... wish upon on a star... dare to dream, I always say...

... but have I heard anything? Do I expect anything?... Do I have any hope or chance of goddam surviving at all?... at all?...

...

... fuck...

... fuck this...

... I never did...

... and the only thing I do know, is that I honestly don't know why...

ATI: Seems ATI is discussing their X800 series now. Too bad for me, because I haven't even heard of it. Bloody hell... oh well, go ahead and have a bloody hell good time being smarter than I am at: http://techreport.com/etc/2004q2/nalasco/index.x?pg=1.

ATI: ATI did a little chat, according to Rage3d. Don't know what they said, but I'm sure if you're a mipmapping fan, you'll be thrilled or some crap like that at: http://www.ati.com/online/chat/.

ATI: ATI released a press release about their lastest trilinear filtering techniques or whatever. I didn't read what they wrote, and right now, I really don't care... but if you're still in the honeymoon phase, then go ahead and howl at the moon at Rage3d: http://www.rage3d.net/board/showthread.php?threadid=33759335.