Y2kk Update: Well, up here in Canada, at least? It's finally the season of summer...

... and you know what that means...

... dreams are in the air... and as always, I just can't get any goddam sleep...

I mean, seriously... let's look over the past two days, now shall we?...

The night before, I had a wet dream... during a dream, in which I was afraid that I already had a wet dream, and that I'd have to wake up in the middle of the goddam night because of it...

And last night? I had a wet dream, while dreaming that I would have a goddam wet dream and wake up in the middle of the night, just like I did the night before...

... and, umm?...

... uh huh...

... what dreams are made of, indeed...

How romantic, eh?...

No hot bitches, no subconscious sex, no nothing...

... dreams are definitely not what they used to be...

And I've heard that the only way a man can avoid wet dreams, is by either furiously masturbating or having hot sex with a bitch before going to bed every single night...

... I've never masturbated a day in my life however... not really for the sake of being a good little boy or whatever, but because I really, really, ridiculously suck at it...

... I mean, seriously. How the fuck am I supposed to suck my own goddam dick?...

... and obviously, as a 23-year old virgin, I don't think the latter option of sex every night is really open to debate, so...

... I'd prefer that if I'm going to wake up in the night from an orgasm, that at least the dream makes it pleasurable for me. Add in some goddam pussy action why don't you, you goddam subconscious, motherfucker of a brain...

... but sigh... guess that shows the garden state of my fucking love life... or complete, lack thereof...

...

I'm once again locked in a bitter stalemate... in which my love life is so goddam stale, I'll probably never find a fucking mate at this rate...

Now, I know this Y2kk update is a bit late, but I suppose February really was the month of love for me... or long lost loves, really...

I had met the iLuvYou girl in a shopping mall out of nowhere... I had some decent conversations with a half Chinese girl at school that month... The fucking, cock sucking bitch known only as the girl I always talk about, decided to go all glowy and horny on me by showing off her tight T-shirts and perky breasts, whenever she was fondling her new boyfriend... And of course, there was this girl from my old high school who I never talk about, since she was my brother's girl, not mine. Whenever her and I talked at university this year though, I felt there may have been a bit of a spark... but that all went downhill by the time the university year ended, so...

I'm sure I already reported all of the above, February lovesick shit on this website before... but there was one thing that I never did get around to mentioning...

... heh... my obsession...

... what a perfect way to cap off a perfect Valentine's Day month of the year...

...

I forget why I was rushing through my local train station that bitter and cold, Canadian winter morning.

All I do remember, is flashing right by her...

... yes, her...

... my obsession...

She was here?

What the fuck?...

I had no fucking clue what the fuck she was doing there... and seriously, it was like she had been frozen in Canadian ice and carbonite, because she seriously didn't look a fuck bit different than she did back in high school... I mean seriously, where do I start?...

First thing I noticed? Her hair... It looked old and wrinkly. How the fuck can it look wrinkly? Bad highlights, that's how... Her strength was always being a dirty blonde in high school, so why the fuck did she have to ruin it with pure dirty whoreness?... I could literally see multi-strains of used blue, red, and fucking black or brown highlights in her hair, all faded away from time, as if they were all turning gray or some shit like that... Her hair wasn't clean and straight either, like it was the few times in high school that her lockes really did look hot to me... Instead, her hair that day wasn't really curvy. It wasn't really wavy... it was more like month old gravy, in which it sagged from split ends, and whatever other shitty things that could've happened after all the times she dyed it in university, but I digress...

Her body? Well, I couldn't get much of a look at her body, considering she was wrapping it all in some huge ass trenchcoat like she wore back in her gothic high school days... The thing is, the coat made her look huge. I know she was never the slimmest gal on the planet, but in my mind? I still like to envision her as the perfect looking, little bitch of a Zooey Deschannel, with blonde hair from Elf or some idealistic crap like that...

She completely didn't look that way in reality though...

Why the fuck did she have to ruin my fantasies with reality? I guess I'll never fucking know...

That bitch...

I guess she never did grow out of her gothic wannabe phase. If I remember correctly, she still had black nail polish on, and her lips still had a veil of venomous shade on them that screamed out "stay away, I still have teen angst issues"... Obviously, her faded hair was a dead giveaway that she wasn't done experimenting with her body to stand out. I would comment on her clothes though, if her damn trenchcoat wasn't covering the only thing that ever really did look good on her body. Obviously, the chest and bump mapping and stuff... As for her legs? Well, they were covered by black jeans or something. Nothing fancy, and nothing I can really complain about... except that I hate jeans and all, but I digress...

But after all that superficial crap? We finally get to the face...

... sigh... I always have the vision in my head that she looked like an angel...

I knew it wasn't true for one damn moment, but that's how I always prefer to remember her by...

The thing is though... her face that day was?... umm...

... huge?...

... maybe I shrunk or something, but... umm?...

... her face, and her entire body... were... umm... huge?...

... and kinda egg shaped too, now that I think about it... but that's besides the point...

Because you see, I know she was never waif thin or any idealistic crap like that. But I had just assumed that her size in high school was still related to baby fat... and after being a cock sucking bitch right from the first week of university, starting from which she had sex with dozens of guys and girls and donuts a week I'm sure (or so the rumours claimed...)?... I dunno, but I would've thought that either she would've slimmed down to get sex, or at least would've slimmed down a bit from having so much goddam sex that it's like having a goddam aerobics class...

... or yoga... if she's more into that kind of experimental thing...

But no... if anything, she was kinda wider than she was before... On the plus side, her breasts still looked mighty large and bulging, unless that was just the trenchcoat giving that impression and all, but... on the negative side?... her body was definitely still... umm... on the plus scale of things...

Now, I try not to be superficial with this kind of shit, considering I'm one of the ugliest, Chinese motherfucking geeks to ever walk the face of the planet. But considering I'm so paper waif thin myself? I just can't help but only seem to be attracted to Chinese girls of about the same petiteness and pettiness of size...

... and that's definitely not how my obsession looked to me that crisp and clear, Canadian mining morning...

...

The thing is... why the fuck was she there? Reading week vacation, I assume?... although it was two weeks past my own reading week, by that point...

When I raced through the doors to catch my train, I just noticed her standing in the middle of the train station, obviously waiting for a family or friendly or fucktard car to arrive...

I first completely checked her out, mentally noting everything I mentioned above...

... and then I noticed something...

She was... staring at me... with bulging, huge eyes wide open... like a fucking deer caught in the headlights...

... she was stunned... and I think, quite honestly? She was terrified to see me again...

... heh... guess she knows... of course, she knows...

So seeing her absolutely precious reaction? Seeing her just frozen there, not even blinking once or twice, like a block of snow and fucking cold bitch ice?

... heh... what else could I do?...

I think I almost laughed...

I settled for a wily smirk though... kinda grinned a little too much like the Grinch, if I recall properly...

... and then I waved to her...

... half with a man-ish sort of fortitude... and half like a wuss still lovesick over his high school obsession...

... either way... she didn't react... she just stayed frozen there, watching me like a hawk as I just casually passed her by with the smugest of smiles...

... I then just walked all the way to the other side of the room of the train station, pushed open the doors to the train departing areas, looked back once more to see her still staring at me with absolutely no comment or phased reaction whatsoever... and then I just smiled once more, leaving smugly through the gate, while surely making sure that the doors didn't hit me in the ass on the way out...

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave...

... how cool was that, eh?...

... then I realized something...

... my train was delayed...

... d'oh...

...

... yeah, well...

... so basically, in my boredom, I reverted back to my natural stalker state...

I went back into the train station, but kept behind a corner of a wall, mostly...

Wallguy 360. Kick ass.

... and just watched her... just gazed at her... just observed her... for any reaction from her... as she just stared in the opposite direction from me, waiting for her knight in shining armour and amour and condom to arrive...

... obviously, she didn't realize that I had come through the back door when she wasn't looking...

... I love the way that sounds...

... problem was, she didn't seem to care about it either...

... she didn't flinch... she didn't wail... not one damn bit...

... my train was delayed for five minutes at least, so I stayed for at least five more minutes, just watching her silently like some petrified stone, just like she had gawked at me... and not once did she ever turn her head to check for me. Not once did she even show the slightest inclination that she was even remotely touched or moved by our completely random, rendezvous at the train station that cold and brisk, Canadian moonshine of a morning...

... and of course, eventually I left...

... with a grin on my chin and a tug at my cheek, for sure...

She recognized me. She feared me. And I just brushed her off casually, as if she was nothing...

... sure, I didn't mean to just brush her off... in retrospect, maybe I should've said something instead of just "hi" and then essentially "bye"... if only to get a better rise out of her, and a better MSN update out of it all...

... the thing is though... I made an impact... I must have...

... both in high school, and now...

... otherwise, the bitch wouldn't have frozen up on me like that...

... stunned... stone cold... silent...

... though it might've been more from the February weather...

... or it might've been from the mere fact that she's a cock sucking, cold bitch, but I digress...

...

... in a sense, I'm both regretful and oompa loompah joyous that that ship has sailed for me... ever having a chance with my high school obsession, I mean...

I still sometimes think back to those final high school days with her... the few times she stared at me, as if she knew that I liked her, and that she liked me back... I still sometimes bang my head in with an ugly stick, over the fucking look on my face (and hers) when I was too dumbass, cock-sucking, red shirt, chicken little enough to not ask her for the final dance at our graduation formal...

... seeing her at the train station that fateful, February morning though?...

... an old friend... an old love...

... heh... with 'old' being the key word here...

... yeah... age has certainly not been kind to her...

While most Chinese girls (especially the hot bitches in life sciences at my university) still look like little teen girls well into their 20's, my obsession looked like age had worn her ass down harder than any fucking man could with his cock... or both, probably...

... the thing is though... she kinda looked better to me this past week, when I ran into her again...

... of course, every bitch looks hotter than normal when they're a blur...

... and when it's actually hot outside...

...

This was literally what happened.

I was trying to save time, trying to make my way quickly to check up on the deals at my local Rogers DVD Video store... so I was running...

... as I was running... guess who the fuck I saw looking at the DVD deals right in front of the Rogers that I wanted to visit?...

... fuck... my obsession was back...

What the fuck?...

... and that's when I turned my back...

... and literally bolted in the opposite direction...

It was like something out of a bad cartoon, actually...

Seriously, if my obsession saw me running up the bunker hill like a madman, away from her line of sight? Then really, I must've looked like a fucking pussy, an even larger one than hers, to be honest...

I don't think she saw me though... either way, I just laughed my ass off as I raced back to my starting point...

... the last thing I wanted, was to deal with her...

... and then of course, I accidentally ran into a somewhat lesser of two evils... an old, pedophile of a friend of mine, who slimmed and slimed up my hand with his handshake, and who apparently wants to get married to his girlfriend... of what age and legality, I may never know, but that's besides the point...

... the lesser of two evils?... perhaps...

... sometimes, you just can't win...

...

... but really, what exactly did I see of my obsession before I screeched and grinded to a halt, and hauled my ass the complete and utter, opposite way?...

... well... her hair looked better in the sunlight than it did before... It was almost pure blonde this time, and didn't look nearly as distant or faded as it did back in February, that's for sure... plus, most of those fucking ugly curls she had last time were gone, for a more natural look that suited the shape of her face much better...

Her face looked a bit more fair, and a bit more cleaned up from the broody pimples and bloody hell zits she still seemed to have back in February... still, she didn't look any real bit thinner than before, although the lack of a goddam, Columbine trenchcoat did help...

Instead, she wore a simple and tight, red T-shirt... like a fucking warning sign to me, really...

... or a traffic light, considering the way I ran my ass off from obsession at first sight...

... the thing is though... if there's any real reason why I now can't get her out of my mind?...

... it's because of her nipples...

... damn, her boobs are still huge...

... I mean, seriously!

Tight T-shirts and boobies?

My one weakness?

Dammit, how did she know?...

...

... and yeah... ever since that day when I almost literally ran into her, and then ran like a dumbass the complete and opposite way?...

... I've been having wet dreams ever since, really... every single night this week, to be honest...

I blame it more on the humidity and humility up here in Canada though... it's finally 25C and 30C here, and at night? Without air conditioning in my house ('cause we have none), it does get kinda too hot to handle at times...

None of my dreams have featured my obsession this week though. Not one... Hell, I don't even remember a single dream featuring her since at least last year...

But then again, all because I don't remember her being in any dreams of mine, doesn't mean she ain't the reason why I ain't getting no sleep this week...

Besides... I'd rather her be the cause, then let it be nightmares about that other old friend I ran into when I bolted my ass away from my obsession...

... the lesser of two evils...

... still... I'll stick with my original chaos theory...

Afterall, it's finally the season of summer up here in Canada.

... it's finally the season, of what wet dreams are made of...

... of a cold-hearted, cock sucking bitch...

... wearing the tightest of most passionate, red T-shirts...

... and her trademark, geeky glasses that I just can't get out of my frame of mind...

... sigh... some things just never damn change...

And I'm sure Black Monday was not the last of what I've seen...

... of everyone's favourite, serene and serenity obsession...

... and of making yet another goddam, bloody hell scene...

Afterall, there's really only one way to prevent wet dreams at night.

Sense and sensibility...

... and service with a smile...

... heh... if only...

Y2kk Update: I still can't believe I missed my goddam exam...

I can't do anything about it anymore though... I'm going to school tomorrow to hand in my second medical certificate from the day in question. But really, what else can I do but beg my fucking professors to pass me in the term?...

If you one or two readers out there still haven't read my latest download update, I might as well reiterate here that I really fucked up my final term of university, by goddam sleeping in on the day of the final of a course that I was goddam retaking... That can't be good for business. Hell, that can't be good for anyone... sans the people out there laughing at my pathetic misfortune by now...

The real reason why I slept through my alarm on Friday, was because I was sick with the stomach flu... While my throat and gut are fine now, I still do feel warm. I'm not 100% healthy yet, so at least I know that the flu I felt was real, and not just fabricated from the mind. Fabrications don't normally last three or four days...

But part of me still blames my brother... as if I was just too goddam depressed from what he did on my birthday, to even get up that morning for my goddam exam...

I mean, he threw a party on my birthday. The only problem was, the party was for himself, not for me...

He wanted an end-of-school-year bash with all his university buddies. And I did allow the party to go through... I just wanted to see what would happen, right?... I've never been to a party with girls and a keg before. I wanted to know what a real university get together was like...

... the only problem was, it was at my house...

... on my fucking birthday...

... and what hurt me the most, was that my brother didn't even give a damn about me at all...

... it was my fucking birthday, for Christ's sakes... and yet?...

The day was all about his friends. He didn't even cook me dinner, after cooking for his friends endless amounts of steaks and hamburgers and God knows what else on the barbeque...

The thing is... despite the fact that I was now surrounded by assholes that I didn't know or trust one bit... despite the fact that I knew that I would be stuck with the fucking party clean-up the day after, simply because it was my house that was the host... despite the fact that I was eating take-out leftovers for my goddam birthday dinner, while sitting alone in my goddam basement...

... the thing is... there was still one thing that I was looking forward to that evening...

...

You see, there's this girl from my high school... and I admit, I've never technically liked her. Romantically, I mean...

... but I've known her for a long time... a very long time by now...

Afterall, she was my brother's crush... not mine...

The two of them were close for about eight or so years of their lives by the time high school ended. They even agreed to marry each other by the age of 30, if neither of them were married yet to another person... They even wrote in their goddam yearbooks that they were each other's secret crushes. Not like it was much of a secret, of course... they were pretty much the only Chinese guy and girl 'couple' in their bloody hell high school year... and, well....

I've never really liked this girl, romantically speaking... She's always been the apple of my brother's eye, not mine.

But the thing is... ever since university started, the two of them drifted apart... Hell, my brother almost seems to refuse to talk to her these days. He's finally moving on from his high school friends, sort of completely ditching them in the process, and she's definitely on the ditch list...

And yeah, she's cute... I have a thing for all Chinese girls, so...

And yeah, she talks to me. Always has, probably always will... We have history afterall.

The thing is, she always considers me as a "backup" man, the way she views my brother now I guess...

I know it and she knows it - don't shoot the messenger, but... she's kind of a whore... well, the way she dates so many guys, one after another it seems... in my opinion at least...

Literally every time I see her almost, she always has a new Chinese male on her shoulder. Holding hands, locking arms, licking lips - the whole shit fest in front of my jealous eyes... Always...

I've always been backup number 571 to her, on her list of 580 guys or something... And she keeps on getting more and more backup guys, every time she visits university... and of course, I always get pushed further and further down the list, until she dumps her next boyfriend and gets another at least...

.. yeah, I've always had a slight thing for her. She's on my backup list... although that list of mine has been and always will be pretty damn short...

Ywah, I always have other women that I seem to like over her... In high school, there was the Beautifully Minded Girl, the ILuvYou girl, and of course my obsession... and now? There's the half Chinese girl at my university, there's this other hot Chinese bitch that constantly ignores me, and of course, there's always still the obsession in the back of my mind... and also at the front of my penis...

... but yeah... after all the A-lists, of girls I have a crush on who simply roll their eyes at me?... then yeah, my brother's old crush is always still there on the list... always enduring on the list of hopefuls... and why?

Yeah, she's cute... she'll always mean something to me, simply because we've talked to each other so many times that she's the only girl I feel comfortable around these days...

...

Even so, or maybe so... that's why I was surprised by what she told me on the train the other week...

When we departed, she told me she'd see me on Wednesday. I asked her how she knew that she would, since all of our encounters are by chance, on campus or in our tiny little town... And she told me that my brother invited me to the party; that she would be coming, and bringing cake as well...

... and I dunno... even though I knew nothing would happen between the two of us, it still gave me at least some sort of relief, to know there would be a friendly face in the house amongst all my brother's goddam university strangers, strangling me on my goddam birth date...

Later that week, I asked my brother why he invited her... And he told me that essentially, she had invited herself. She was wondering when my birthday was over MSN, and since I wouldn't tell her, she asked my brother instead. When he told her all about April 20th and the party, she promised him that she'd come and bring a cake, and sing me happy birthday and shit like that...

... and yeah, no matter how sappy as that sounds... that did kinda make me feel happy...

... gave me something to look forward to... if only in comparison to how shit-faced the rest of the day would be...

I mean, a bloody hell exam and a brother's keg party on my fucking birthday?...

... the only thing that could ever save the day, would be a pretty face amongst the crowd...

... a friendly face... one I wouldn't mind seeing anyday of the week...

...

... yeah, well...

... she didn't show...

... she never showed...

I had gluttonous dreams of greatness and grandeur, of her holding my hand... or even getting a fucking birthday blowjob or some shit like that...

But she never showed. And why?... well...

... I can only assume it was because she was too busy studying for her exams, but....

Either way, she didn't show.

Best in show. And I was the laughing stock of nerds in a barrel yet again...

I was stuck with a house of fucking fucktards who may have all said happy birthday to me, but didn't give one damn bit about what the fuck the party was doing to me... or really what day it was...

She would've cared, at least.

She just wasn't there, that's all...

... But bah, whatever. I wasn't going to get a blowjob anyways.

Sure, I was disappointed... but her being a no-show? Alas, that was only one of the multiple things that fucked me over that night, spiraling me into a fucking fit of morbid depression by the time I started getting sick with the stomach flu Thursday night...

And if she had showed?... well... nothing would've happened, except me blushing like a fool if she really did bring that cake and sing me that song...

Nothing would've changed, I bet... nothing would've gone better the following next days...

... I still would've gotten sick... I still would've fucking missed my final exam of university, out of fucking sheer negligence and laziness, but... still...

She didn't show. That's all I know...

... and even if she's never really been a girl I've been attracted to? Never really a girl I've ever lusted for?...

... still... she's a girl I've always cared for, on some level at least...

And I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt me, that she said she'd show and yet she didn't...

Things might've been different then...

Maybe my birthday wouldn't have fucking sucked...

... well... except for the blowjob, I mean...

Happy birthday to me, indeed...

... best viewed in Netscape 3 (w/o javascipt on) at 800 x 600 resolution and 256 colours, because that's what I run at ...