Y2kk Update: Okay, seriously, I'm so sick and tired of being... well, sick and tired...

I'm still not feeling well, even after a fucking week of recuperation? WTF? I had this entire three day Canadian weekend to get better, and still my hands are burning like fists of goddam fury? My temperature is out of whack, my throat is sore as hell, and my head is stuck mind-fucked, muddled and befuddled to the point where I've literally gone goddam insane...

Down is up and up is down. Ein is Finkle and Finkle is Einhorn. I can't think straight with my head the way that it is. My temperature controls my temperament, and now I'm damn afraid of just how I'll act and goddam react if my condition does not improve, to all the shit that will happen tomorrow at bloody hell work no doubt...

And yes, I've been thinking in preparation, mulling shit through. My last update here on my download site left on an interesting thought, as I noted that in my honest opinion? The way to show you really care about someone else, is to be by that person's side and do whatever you can to make them happy, even if it hurts your own self in the process. And by all accounts, I still believe in that determination of a definition, so to speak...

The question that has been circling my cerebral though, is do I ever really show any concern for her? She's ignoring me yes, utterly and completely in a week where I'm feeling like goddam shit everywhere in the body, not to mention deep within the bowels of my broken heart no less. But I in turn am doing the same to her, vice versa with an emphasis on vice. When really, by my own definition of compassion and concern, shouldn't I be doing everything in my power to try to make her happy? Even if by her goddam ignoring me, it wounds and chills me to the bone, shouldn't I still just shrug it all off and refuse to ignore her my own goddam self?...

The unfortunate fact of the matter is, my patience is paper-thin, and it's not like she's ever really told me that just by being there with her, that I ever make her happy. Sure, I can infer and insinuate from those few times that I was by her side, when I made her laugh and cheer and giggle like a school girl on pez and prosac, that perhaps she does enjoy my company. But I've seen her do the same damn happy as fuck shit with tons of other guys before. How do I know whether the smiles she gives me are genuine or not? She has so many friends, so many real friends she's known for so much longer than she first met me. What right do I have to presume that I could actually make her happy, or need to make her happy when she has all of them?...

... she doesn't need me... she's proven time and time again, she does not need me, simple as that...

I wish that wasn't true. I so long every single waking moment of the day that she would be the one who's thinking and dreaming of me at the exact same times as I do of her...

But I don't know. The biggest question that I've been pondering like a goddam lazy ass panda all day, is simply put, what sets me off in the morning like a ticking goddam time bomb? Sure, I get into work feeling a bit dizzy and hazy, but well enough to function with every single other worker in the goddam office. But what is it that I see in her eyes every single fucking morning of the day, that sets me off and makes me so goddam miserable that I actually turn into the fucking monster I've become and ignore her? What is it exactly that I see in her face, that makes me the sad fucking excuse of a man that I am today? WTF?...

And to be honest? I still don't know if I can really answer that question. Part of it, the shamed half of me that is, feels like it's because I know I have to ignore her. I know I have to distance myself from her or else my own pain will never go away. And in the process of distancing myself from her, every single time she smiles and makes me happy, it kills me inside knowing that it just ain't real, that I can't let it be real. I can't be her friend or even her goddam coworker with these goddam feelings of mine deep down inside that I still have for her. And it seems to me that every single fucking time I start feeling that same fucking way again, my heart simply shuts down in goddam meltdown mode, and I'm just never able see the light of day again 'till nightfall...

But there's also this other thing, this other goddam immaturity and goddam insecurity within myself that I just cannot stand. I know and accept that I am inherently a selfish man, innately a man of goddam utilitarian values, whether I like them or agree with them or not. But even so, I just can't stomach the fact that I hate seeing her happy if I'm not the one making her smile. It's such a stupid ass concept, such a childish one if you think about it for even a fraction of a second, but the very moment that I see her smile and giggle with any other fucking coworker in my goddam office? It's like there's something in the thickness of the darkness of the bottom of my skull that just goddam snaps. I can't take it, I can't take seeing her happy like that, and I don't know why. I can't take seeing her enjoy herself so, not if I'm not the one who makes her smirk, and it kills me inside knowing how goddam insecure and selfish I must really be to be this way...

I mean, shouldn't I be happy whenever she's happy, regardless of who made her that way? If I was a good man, if only I were a real man, if only I had goddam confidence and a goddam conscience, wouldn't I just set her free and be content with the fact that she lives her own life?...

Yet here I am, wallowing in self-pity, and selfishly choosing to drag her down with me every single fucking time she smiles at anyone else but me? How the fuck possessive, obsessive and goddam insane can a man really be? Can I really be that damn much of an asshole? WTF?...

To be honest, I don't know. I just don't know if that's all true or not. But really, every single fucking time I try to think with a straight line of thought, that's the only logical conclusion I seem to come up with. It's the only real trigger that I can see that she causes in me each and every single morning I see her, as pathetic as this all sounds...

On Friday morning, when she came over to me and my coworker, she was smiling and giggling and telling jokes to me right off the bat. I tried to return the favour, seeing how much she was actually attempting to be my friend that morning, but the sickness in my stomach and the goddam broken heart in the pits of my gut just couldn't muster a real smile through. I felt awful about it, terrible that I couldn't even put on a goddam act for her when she was trying to cheer me up, in her own little way at least. She was trying to show that she cared about me, at least as a friend, and yet I still didn't have the selflessness and goddam strength to just force out a laugh and let her be happy. WTF is wrong with me?...

I want her to be happy. I want her to find goddam happiness, when she's not around at least. It's just that, whenever she's nearby and I smell the fair scent of her skin, and every single time I gaze into her eyes and realize how much I miss her even when she's standing right before me, it's like I become a rotten spoiled child all over again. I want her to be mine, I want her to need me. But every single time someone else makes her just as giggly and joyous as I ever could, my mind just can't take it. I just can't take the cold, bitter truth, it seems...

I want to be a good enough man, to be content when she finds contentment somewhere else...

I want to be a good enough man, to genuinely smile when she smiles for someone else...

I so desperately want to be a good enough man, to be happy for her when she finds happiness elsewhere, even with another man...

But I don't know whether it's just human nature preventing me from ever being that good man, or if it's just my selfish pride getting in the goddam way...

Every single fucking weekend, I dream of being that man... a good fucking man, that is...

Yet every single fucking week? I have to relearn and relive the same cold, hard truth...

... that I am not the man she wants...

... that I am not the man she needs...

... and that she honestly deserves so much more of a man than I can ever be...

Why is that my mind and soul must wrestle with and realize this same old shit every goddam week?...

... though maybe it's because, it really is true?...

... my heart is colour-blind...

... and my heart is broken...

Y2kk Update: Well, this has been more than just a goddam miserable week...

Now, yes, I know that I always whine and complain every single fucking update here with my noname negativity, to the point where hearing that the past seven days were nothing but shit definitely does not come as a surprise to you two readers out there. But considering I've been deftly and ghastly sick to the stomach since goddam Monday, to the point where I've been nothing more than a sleep-walking phantom in terms of presence, with some sort of on and off flu illness that is literally chilling me to the bone? Well, I can now most definitely say that this past week was one of my worst fucking weeks in life that I can ever goddam recall...

Ever since Monday and stretching all throughout the week, I've had horrible headaches and mind-numbing migraines, not to mention running temperatures and an upset stomach. Fuck, just the other night, I spent the entire evening with goddam hiccups with a gut that was feeling like it was on a goddam acid trip, which definitely did not bode good tidings for the shit that was also going on in my throat. Every single fucking time I breathed in and out, it was like I was having a goddam heart-attack of indigestion. WTF is up with that?...

What I don't get though, is why on earth that manager at work this past Tuesday wouldn't give a shit about my condition? I was obviously in pain, and I told him straight to his face that I was. Yet he kept on rambling on and on about his motherfucking great idea, to put me and my coworker in a company meeting tomorrow to present all the shit that we've done. I mean certainly, on any other week where I'm feeling at least somewhat responsive, I wouldn't hesitate to take on the reins and reigns of fire of such an opportunity. But considering the meeting was Wednesday and he was only giving us one damn day here to prepare, and also because of the fact that I could barely speak properly let alone walk a crooked line, you're damn right that I tried to protest and tell the goddam manager at work that it would be best to postpone for just seven fucking days more to gather my goddam bearings...

Yet the asshole wouldn't listen to me. He just completely disregarded what I was saying and how I was feeling, and sent out a company e-mail the moment after, telling the entire place that the presentation was on. My coworker next to me didn't understand why I was so adamant against having the meeting as well, even though I blatantly told him that I was sick and planning to take Wednesday off before the manager had come. My team member, he's a good guy and everything, but how can he not fathom why I would force myself to go to work, even when I'm bloody hell sick to the bone, when it comes to a goddam company meeting where we two are the forerunners of the whole goddam project and presentation? He knew I was planning to take Wednesday off from work, yet he never once got the clue that maybe having the pressure of a goddam corporate gathering would force my hand and my fucking goddam body out of bed...

Whatever. Either way, I came to work on Wednesday, dragging myself kicking and screaming out of my house to do so. And yeah, I guess the presentation went alright; hell, the two of us even went overtime, much to both the applause and chagrin of the crowd at hand. The thing is, I was feeling like complete and utter shit for the better part of the entire day, ready to hurl at any moment's notice. But during the presentation, I accomplished exactly what I did during any of my speeches during high school when I was sick and ill as well. Somehow, I was able to just suck it all up and play the role of the strong soldier, running on pure adrenaline to simply seem perfectly healthy and normal the whole presentation through. I even was able to smile and crack jokes and shit like that, even though right before and right after the whole goddam meeting, I was more than ready to leave my entire fucking breakfast and lunch there in a puddle of vomit on the goddam floor. WTF?...

So the real question is, if I can man up and take it on the chin when it comes to goddam presentations and speeches, why can't I even manage to put up a real act for her? WTF?...

The thing is, besides the fact that I was sick as a pup this entire past week, these past five days have been absolutely miserable because of what I've been doing to her. And what she's been doing to me, quite honestly.... completely ignoring me, that is...

Last week, she mentioned to me that she was dressing up and going to the Opera with a friend; some guy friend who seemed to be treating it all like some dinner and date. Naturally, I will readily admit that I got jealous as fuck, and it was gnawing me at the fucking maw and gut all weekend long that she was out with this guy. I have feelings for her, deeper feelings than I'd care to admit even to her, and I just couldn't help but wonder whether she too was counting this as some sort of fucking date. So in my madness and insanity, I wrote her an e-mail. It was just a friendly e-mail where I asked how her weekend was going, mentioned that she must've had a good time at the opera, and then sent her some friendly internet video links for good measure. And for anyone who cared to look, it was blatantly obvious in my e-mail that I was so jealous of her night out. Even so, the very least I expected back was a goddam one line response...

... but even that didn't come... it never came...

... I got nothing... I honestly never get fucking anything from her...

Sunday came and gone without a single return of a reply. Then Monday arrived, and in the morning, I didn't ask her about the opera or my e-mail whatever. I was praying at the back of my mind that she would bring those topics up herself, especially considering I knew that she had received and must've read my goddam e-mail where I already asked about the fucking opera. At the very fucking least, I expected her to thank me for the links that I sent her in my letter, as she used to do that before I told her exactly how I felt. But instead, I got nothing but the fucking cold shoulder. She doesn't trust me, simple as that, and she went through the entire damn morning without even a single damn hint or mention of her goddam dinner date on Saturday...

I know it's none of my business, but as "friends", she owed it to me to reference or refer to it, or at least reply to my fucking goddam e-mail. Yet apparently, even that was too much of her to ask. WTF?...

I didn't really know this at the time, but I was sick. I was starting to feel the inauguration of the onslaught of my headaches, and just like last time during the week of my birthday, I just didn't have the tolerance, patience or fortitude to put up with her usual callous crap. All I wanted was to know how her fucking weekend at the opera went, or at least receive a slight thank you note for the e-mail I carefully crafted for her the day before. Yet instead, all I got was silence and generic goddam ponderings and panderings from her, nothing more and absolutely nothing of goddam substance. She shafted me in the sense that she blatantly proved that Monday morning without a shadow of a doubt, that even if I am her "friend", she doesn't care for me enough to think about how I'm feeling, and she most certainly does not trust me with even the slightest details of her goddam date...

With the storm clouds brewing in my mind from the goddam migraine, how the fuck could I find the strength to tolerate this shit? It's a fucking common courtesy just to send a fucking e-mail back when somebody sends one to you, yet I can now honestly say that throughout the entire fucking week, she never once sent a reply or even once referenced what I wrote. WTF is wrong with her? Is that too much to ask? WTF?...

This was the course (and discourse) of the entire damn week. In the morning, I'd arrive at work and say "good morning; hey there, how are you?" and make small chit-chat. Sometimes I'd actually admit something from the day before, but most of the week, I just made idle generic talk with the blind faith and hope that she'd start revealing more. But nothing ever did come of our morning conversations, as she talks to me like a goddam coworker and nothing more. And as a result, in the mornings whenever she'd come to visit, every fucking day I promised myself that I'd find the strength and virtue to put on an act and be polite with her when I see her. Yet every fucking morning, she alone has this innate ability to bring out nothing but the goddam truth and honesty from my wretched soul, to the point where I honestly can't stand to be with her at stand-up any longer...

She is perhaps the only person in my entire damn history that has the daily capacity to make me both incredibly happy and insanely miserable, sometimes even during the same damn sentence she weaves. Now sure, last week I spent every fucking day after work with her for half an hour or so, and I was so damn thankful to her for how jovial she made me feel inside. But these past seven days, as soon as she mentioned her date, as soon as she refused to reply to my e-mail, and as soon as she showed she didn't even have the decency to tell me how her fucking weekend went with the other fucking guy, she showed me that she simply does not trust me whatsoever. I don't care if it's none of my business, because if she actually did fucking care about me, she'd make it my business. She proved to me time and time again this week, every single fucking morning, that she has nothing but a callous void when it comes to her goddam lack of feelings for me...

Sometimes I can sense guilt and pity there in the pits of her eyes, but it's just not enough. She cares about me, but not in the way I want, not even enough to the point where I'd even consider us friends...

So I cut off almost all communication, I honestly did. I had already decided last week that as "friends", I just didn't want to put up with her own friends and other coworkers anymore. I have a strict definition of what a "friend" is, all depending on levels of trust, and I just can't stand any of the people I'm forced to be with when going out with her at night or at lunch. So last week, I already started declining going out to movies and lunch and dinner with her and the people she claims to adore, simply because I have no reason to put up with her goddam assholes of buddies any longer. But I still left one refuge of salvage between the both of us, the fact that we would walk back to Union Station together every single day, just the two of us. It made me so happy to be with her last week for those brief moments in time that we were together, that it killed me inside this week knowing that it was all nothing more than a fucking goddam lie yet again...

I told her on Tuesday that I wasn't going to walk with her after work any longer, and I did my best to try to pass it off as nothing more than an act of generousity. In my eyes, she seems so damn genuinely happy herself when it's just the two of us out in the sunshine together, yet every single day before we would leave together, she would act like I'm holding her down. She prefers to leave before 5:30 each day, when all I normally ask of her is to wait ten minutes longer. So when cutting off this final act of compassion between the both of us on Tuesday, I told her that I felt guilty every single time I make her wait for me after work, which was a true enough lie more or less. I just didn't tell her that it actually hurts how I can literally sense that she doesn't want to wait for me, and she proved it again in our Tuesday night discussion...

When claiming it was no problem to wait for me ten minutes every single day after work, she kept using claims of "I don't mind" and "it's no big deal". Which is fine, I guess, for a coworker to tell another coworker, but that's just not what I want from her and what I want from life. I even iterated twice to her in that conversation that "it's not about what you don't mind; it's about what you prefer". In essence, if we were going to continue walking together after work, it would have to be that she wants to be there with me, and I needed her to say that to me. Yet she never once did; no matter how much she protested to the fact I was essentially cutting her out of my life, she never once got the clue and told me that she enjoys even my fucking company beside her...

Even after I fucking told her twice that it's not about being polite, it's about what she actually fucking wants to do, she still never once tried to show some mercy and even pretend to claim that she desires to be at my side for even half a fucking hour a day. How the fuck could I possibly be happy with her any longer after she couldn't even tell me that fucking much? Is that too fucking much to ask? WTF?...

So Wednesday, yeah, Wednesday was more than just awkward. Tuesday was essentially the moment I broke up with her, and she treated me like it the day after. She knew from me the day before that I was sick to the stomach with a fucking humongous headache, and that I had forced myself to come to work for a goddam fucking company presentation, yet she never once messaged me in the morning. She never once even wished me good luck before I went into the meeting room. She wasn't even there when I was doing my goddam presentation, not because she was outside enjoying the sunshine like I told her would be better, but rather that she actually went back to her desk to do some fucking goddam work of her own. WTF?...

She chose to completely ignore me for the goddam entire day, and for what? Even if she was angry at me after finally getting a clue as to what I was trying to get at the day before, she couldn't even wish me fucking luck before going into the fucking meeting room on a day where I had a fucking gigantic migraine? What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she even completely incapable of common fucking courtesy? WTF?...

I did fine in the meeting presentation without her, but that's not the point. Now sure, I didn't get the chance to message her "good morning" right when I got into work because my gmail account was all fucked up at the time, but even so, she knew I was fucking sick on a day I was planning to have originally stayed at home. Yet she chose to ignore me all fucking day long, not even sending me a single message to wish me good luck, and claimed later that it was all because she didn't want to disturb me. What the fuck is wrong with her? How the fuck could choosing to ignore me for an entire fucking day possibly make me feel better? Don't tell me she actually believes this form of bullshit of hers. WTF?...

I told her the same very day I revealed my feelings, that whenever I "clam up" and start ignoring other people (her especially that week), it's not because I have absolutely nothing to say. It's rather that there's only one thing on my mind, and that I feel I have to say it and blurt it out to the person, but I just fucking can't. I can pray in the deep, dark bowels of my mind and gut that perhaps she's doing the same damn shit to me. But even so, it's just so disappointing that she can't see far enough past herself to show me even a morsel of mercy on a week where I'm fucking sick as a goddam fucking dog...

I admit though that I've been quite cruel to her myself, getting frustrated and angry at her the brief moments that we do meet in the morning for work. If only I wasn't feeling like total shit, I would probably just apologize and try to make it up with good conversation later on. But fuck, she knows that I'm fucking ill to the stomach with a fucking head that's spinning like a top. Yet she can't muster even one shred of decency to try to make me feel better; instead, she chooses to ignore me for the rest of the entire damn day, for what exactly? For revenge, out of vindiction? Out of fear, out of frustration? What exactly, could possibly be her reason for ignoring me so and making me feel like even more fucking shit as a result? WTF?...

The thing is, I know I've been rather harsh and cruel to her this entire past week, and I felt like total shit on Friday after it was all said and done. We knew neither of us had anything to do at work that day, yet even in our total boredom, we never bothered to message each other. And the thing is, I know it hurt her, I know it did. She normally leaves work on Friday's at five, usually after I come over and chat with her for the better part of an hour since it's not like we're doing any real work anyhew. But I didn't come over to her this week, and as a result, she stayed until 5:50 and missed her train going home. She briefly stopped by my cubicle before she left, looking not exactly sad but certainly depressed and distressed, while distantly claiming she had a lot on her mind and was going to go out for a long walk alone...

She was like a ghost of a shell there really, with her eyes seeming like they were on the verge of shining interior tears, so to speak. She was technically speaking to me, but it's like she couldn't see me or chose not to perceive me, the same sort of blank stare that I've given her ever since she laughed in my face at my goddam feelings. I could really sense her pain there, pain that I knew that I was the fucking cause of, but I just couldn't say anything because nothing I would say or do would ever feel right. She had ignored me herself that entire damn day; she could've easily tried to make conversation and tried to make me feel better, fully knowing how shit I was feeling from my goddam sickness. Yet she chose this path like a goddam frightened child, pulling off some vindictive bitch routine waiting for me to pamper and shower her with affection. This is just not the way I can live my life anymore, and maybe for once she got the fucking message and impression...

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to lose to her. But the way things are going, the way things seem to be? I don't want it to be this way, I really honestly don't, but I just don't see another goddam choice in the matter. This is the way things have to be, cold and fucking distant, no matter how fucking much it pains my heart to realize the truth...

I hate what I did. She may have ignored me, but I too ignored her. I don't want to be this cruel and vindictive myself, but it's not like I didn't have a reason to this week. My headache was clouding my judgment; I just couldn't think straight and I just didn't feel fine with anything in life. I managed to suck it all up when it came to the presentation on Wednesday or when I was talking to others randomly during the week. But the thing is, this is the girl of my dreams we're talking about here, the same one who fucking laughed in my face like a bloody hell nightmare. I wanted so desperately to be able to put on a brave face and a goddam mask of an act for her as well, but with her I find I can be nothing but goddam completely honest with myself. I can't be any other way but how I feel...

I hate what I'm doing, and I hate what I've become. But really, as much as I so fear losing her for good, in reality she's proven to me throughout the course of this week just how little care she really has for me in all the ways that matter. I understand that she showed fear and sadness in her barren and stale watery eyes on Friday afternoon, but if anything, those were stares of just guilt and self-pity and nothing more. She fully knows this is her fault, not that I can blame her for how she feels or lack thereof. Either way though, while I'm being an immature and insecure asshole in the way I'm reacting to everything that's happened between the both of us, it's only natural and only human to be acting the way that I am right now. She knows this, and hell, I'm sure she's seen it all before. I can't be allowed to confuse guilt and compassion for genuine concern and feeling, not ever again, that's all...

I was fucking sick all fucking week long. My hands, even as I'm typing this, are still trembling from goddam temperature. I have an excuse for being so cold and callous towards her, considering my brain was nothing but a goddam headcase of a trainwreck all week long. But what the fuck is her excuse? When she was sick with allergies, I sacrificed my lunch to be by her side the entire way through, just to show her how much I cared. I consoled her, tried my best to make her feel better, and even suffered a bit of a backlash as a result from her complete lack of feelings. I tried to connect with her, to do anything I could humanly do to soothe her pain. And even if it failed, at the very least, it's the goddam thought and feelings that should count...

And goddammit, I can't help but feel that is one of the true definitions and determinations of love. It's when you want to be with someone so damn badly, it's when you sympathize and empathize with how they're feeling so damn much, that you willing choose to be by their side the whole way through and risk getting sick yourself, all in some irrational attempt to try to make them feel even one fucking bit better about their day. That to me, is one of the true symbols and definitions of real care and concern, yet not once did she seem to reciprocate the same damn signs of compassion I tried in vein to give to her all those weeks ago...

It's about wanting to be with someone so damn much, that you choose to be there for them, to try to make them happy, even if it hurts yourself in the process. It's about the choice of sacrifice, really...

But even with a goddam fever sending shivers down my spine, she did nothing but spite and ignore me all fucking week long, as if I was some grotesque human being she wanted nothing to do with except as a goddam source of paltry and plebian entertainment. She and I have such fucking different definitions of friends; she chooses to label anyone she meets who turns out to be a source of stories and interest, as a goddam "friend". Assholes she can keep at a distant arms length, that is. But I, on the other hand, need a bond of real concern and trust in order to ever really give a shit about a person as a friend. I need a true give and take relationship; it's about the other person trusting me as much as I give my trust to them. And I feel none of that with her, no longer at least. I seriously wonder if I ever have...

I have feelings for her, I really do. But I just can't fucking trust her, not if she never gives a shit about me...

All she had to do this week was send me a fucking e-mail. Just one fucking e-mail in response to the letter I sent her...

Is that too much to ask for?...

Really, honestly, is that too fucking much to ask?...

... but fuck, the cold truth is...

... apparently so...

Y2kk Update: The more things change, the more things stay the same...

... what a goddam frustrating week... but since when has that ever not been the case?...

The thing is, I guess I should be flattered or some shit like that. At work, there are two main factions, or two main projects really. A couple weeks back, I was put on the most important one in the company, the only real project that pays the bills and salaries around the place. I hated being on that project, I'll admit that though. It was a completely foreign and quite a corporate experience, and I certainly wasn't looking forward to all the hard crucial deadlines I would now have to meet. But at least I could've used the situation to my advantage. Since I was obviously so important that the manager fought tooth and nail to get me onto his project, then I must have enough presence in the company to demand a promotion and substantial raise...

Problem is, like I said, maybe I should be flattered, but my old manager fought to the death to keep me on my current project. And it seems as a result, after weeks and weeks of them bickering and me being stuck in proverbial limbo, it's been decided that I should stay on my own project. Sure, it's a relief from a personal point of view, considering this is the project I've become so familiar with over the past goddam year. But considering it has yet to bring a single dollar into the company office, how the hell am I supposed to argue for a substantial promotion and raise now? Not like it matters though, considering the moment I mentioned my yearly review to my manager, he seemed to want to delay any talk of promotion until September or whatnot. Maybe by then, I'll have enough power again to force their hand in negotiations, but for now I can't do anything but remain goddam silent and do my fucking job...

Well, except I have another problem at work. Instead of pulling me into the more important project in the company, they dragged another member of my current team instead. He's definitely more senior than I am, and a much better programmer to boot, but I've gotta also admit that his experience on the other project so far is minimal at best. Either way, the decision has been made, with the problem being that now I have to take over all his current duties on the old project I'm still apparently on. Essentially, his old work is now all mine, and that definitely caused a fuckload of issues these past two days for me...

Right before being transferred to the new project, he checked something into the code repository, simply told me it "worked", and then set off for a one week vacation. The thing is, whatever he did check into the code base absolutely did not goddam work, and it busted almost everything there in the goddam program. Now that I was fully responsible for his share of gruntwork, guess who the fuck got blamed in the Friday meetings for all the shit that was happening? If only that teammate of mine was here to ask some basic questions to, I doubt I'd be in this goddam predicament that I now find myself in. But now that I know he's still going to be missing in action for the next two or three days, it's up to me to go searching and sifting through his thousands of lines of code to figure out whatever the fuck he did, that naturally he didn't mention in his logs. Whatever...

... and of course, there are certain other problems at work... other problems, that have been pre-occupying my mind...

I told myself I'd be stern with her, but I don't know, I just don't know how. Sometimes it's just hard to let go. Even though I know she has no real interest in me, the mind still wanders and perceives what it wants to see...

On Friday, she asked if I wanted to leave work with her, maybe follow her around as she runs some errands and shops downtown. It would've only been for an hour, and if she had asked me out like this before what had happened last week, I would've been giddy as hell that she invited me out. But after all these weeks of I just inviting her out to dinner or a movie or whatever sort of crap on a Friday evening, only for her to blindly turn me down in favour of rest at home or goddam chores with the family, I wasn't interested any longer in her goddam pity...

She was spending this weekend with another friend, a night out on Saturday that essentially amounted to a date (or at least from the fact that he's paying a hefty amount for the both of them, either she owes him a lot of money or he thinks it's a goddam date). She chose to go out with him for an entire goddam day, dinner and show and all, yet no matter how many times I've asked her in the past for just a few extra hours of her time, she turned me down so damn coldly and goddam ignorantly. So yeah, while I was happy she was offering me just one goddam hour of her life here on a Friday, I just wasn't interested enough to care...

... no longer, not after last week, that is...

So I turned her down...

... I just didn't expect the reaction that I got though...

I mean, she didn't seem angry. She didn't even seem disappointed...

... she just seemed... sad...

... she stared at me... not with contempt, but with this sense of profound, paralyzing sadness in her eyes...

... she then turned quiet after that, and simply just left... I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing...

I wanted to take back what I did. The way I felt at that moment of time, I would've given anything just to go out with her that goddam night...

Because that look she gave me?... that goddam look?...

... sigh... if I didn't know better, I'd say she was heart-broken...

... the only problem is, I do know better...

Just last week, when I opened myself to her and revealed how I felt? She mocked me, laughed in my face, and shrugged off everything I said as if it meant nothing at all. Now I know that as an adult, I should learn to just live with it and suck it up, forget it all happened and move on with my life. Shit like this happens to everyone, so obviously in the grand scheme of things, I have no reason to be in denial or anger. And I've tried to do that this week, to laugh it all off like she did to me. But sometimes during weakening moments like Friday's, it's just so goddam hard to let go...

Fuck, if I didn't know better, I'd swear she felt something for me then and there...

... but was it just guilt?... was it just pity?...

... if so?... fuck, I want none of it...

My original goal when I wrote those two "emo-mails" of mine to her, was to simply blurt out my sentiments and learn the truth from her, and that's exactly what transpired. I soon realized she has no feelings for me, and that she shares none of the care that I have for her. And now that I don't have to wonder anymore of her goddam motives, whether she actually likes me or not in the same way I feel about her, then I wouldn't have any desire to get so goddam angry around her anymore. I wouldn't have any need to keep second guessing myself at whatever I say or do. That was my original goal, and I managed to stay calm and collected at work as a result all week long...

Mission accomplished then, right?... fuck, if only... I only wish...

My heart is just so fucking dumbass. She fucking laughed in my face, yet here we go again, once more with feeling...

... I want to believe, I want to believe in her... but my mind, my mind knows it just can't trust her...

For the first time in my entire life, I had opened myself up to a woman I liked, and told her just exactly how I felt...

... for better or for worse...

... for the best of both worlds...

Because for some goddam reason? I still feel exactly the same about her as I did the goddam moment before...

... sigh... it seems, the more things change...

... the more things stay the same, always...

Y2kk Update: Well, that settles that then...

Obviously, this hasn't been the best of weeks for me. My brother has made it official that he's moving out of the house and the family for good at the end of this summer, and my parents have been going absolutely batshit insane over family honour and principles and the fact they're losing him so. And it's not like my own friends are making this week any easier for me. One of them has gone so damn pissy over the past seven or eight days, that he even fucking hangs up the phone on me whenever I goddam call. WTF?...

... of course, as usual, neither of these things barely register a blip on my emotional radar...

... but we all know what or who does...

I got angry at her again, and felt so damn bad for doing so. It was completely not her fault on Monday, when she suggested to management that I be forced to join her in meetings with the goddam designers. It wasn't a horrible suggestion, and to be completely honest, it was the right thing to do and I knew it at the time. But I hate those people, I honestly do, and I was perfectly happy just using her and management to be our liason to them rather than to have to hear their goddam complaints and whining in person. Or at least, not in a group...

I am not a people person, and I wanted to keep a distance between them and I. It was a completely infantile reason to get angry at her, considering she was just suggesting what was best for the company at work, but I went goddam emo nonetheless...

She made it up to me on Monday afternoon though, even though it really wasn't her fault, by just being extra kind to me and shit like that. Of course, that didn't help things out at all unfortunately the next fucking morning, when she dragged me into the fucking designer meeting that I didn't know was happening that day. Maybe I just missed the confirmation for this shit during the meeting on Monday, but I anticipated that we'd have a more formal meeting with the designers, in which case management or myself would e-mail them to first brainstorm their own ideas and then present them to my team in an orderly and prioritized fashion. Yet on Tuesday morning, the girl I care for at work drags me right into the meeting room with barely any warning, and of course I end up hating every single fucking moment there where I'm just sitting there useless in the middle of a group of people who didn't even know I was going to show in the first place. It wasn't her fault at all that I hated the situation I was put in, but I was angry with her the rest of the day, with painful results to follow...

At lunch, I was complaining to a friend about the whole damn situation that was happening at goddam work that day. I should've known better and just shut my mouth as I approached the office building, but I was just too damn emotionally furious to fucking think straight. I started noting how beautiful the girl at work looks no matter how she's dressed, whether she's decked out in pearls or whether she's all sick and sniffly or whatnot. I am completely infatuated with her, perhaps moreso than any other woman in my entire life, and it was killing me inside that she just doesn't seem to share those same goddam feelings...

I started blasting and blaring how I wish that I could tell whether she wore pearls on Friday afternoon just to try to impress me at lunch or not, pretty much yelling in a furious tone at the top of my lungs...

... only for my friend to tap me slightly on the shoulder, point me to his right...

... where the girl at work was just standing there, staring right in our direction...

... oh... fucking... shit...

And I got scared, terrified really. For the first time since I first asked her out to the Raptors game pub long ago, I was fucking nervous as shit in my stomach. I slowly crept over to her and said hello, mortified that she heard me complaining about her behind her back. She barely responded, which to me seemed to confirm my suspicions that she did hear something. But of course, she wouldn't admit it to me. She claimed that she just had walked up, didn't notice that my friend and I were there, and then changed the subject back to shit about work...

I didn't believe her though. In the pits of my goddam gut, I know she heard something. And even if she didn't, anyone could've seen in my eyes the fear I had and easily deduced what I must have been saying while she was arriving on scene...

... that afternoon after she left work?... I just couldn't take it anymore...

... I was petrified and paranoid that anything she had heard or perhaps didn't hear, would jeopardize whatever friendship or whatever more we could ever have together...

... so I wrote her an e-mail... or an "emo-mail", really... two of them, to be exact...

... asking her if she had time on Wednesday to "talk" about things...

The next morning, butterflies were racing through my stomach for the second straight day that very damn week. I was both nervous and excited at the same time, knowing that I would finally tell her how I feel, and that I would finally know once and for all whether she reciprocates those feelings or not. I knew in the back of my mind that she really had no interest in me that way, but my heart is nothing but a goddam fool. After she gave me the time of day and said that she'd meet me after work, I braced myself with as many contingency scenarios in my head that I could possibly think of, in the most likely event that she simply shrugs me off and gives me the goddam friends speech. But my heart simply cared for her too damn much to let my brain govern my feelings for the whole damn day, and I'd be lying if there wasn't this massive part of me that was simply crying out for her to beg me to hold her...

The moment of truth finally came, and as we were walking together after work, she brought up the question of what I so desperately needed to get off my mind. So yeah, I started off on a bad note, but a bad note on purpose. I revealed to her why I was so upset with her earlier in the week, and why I was so terrified when I saw her just standing there when my friend and I were talking behind her back. Obviously, neither of these things casted me in a decent light, but I just wanted to prove to her that I wanted her to know the whole truth behind the scenes. I had nothing to hide, I told her, and that's when I began explaining to her just why I always seem to overreact to even the slightest things she does and does not do...

"Just saying, you do know why you affect my feelings and moods so much, right?"...

She started staring at me with a wide eye. I could tell that she knew what I was getting at, but she played dumb and just shrugged instead...

"What, do I remind you of work?", she half-joked to leaven the mood...

That's when I knew I had no choice but to say it myself, as I breathed in a heavy gasp of confidence before finally unveiling to her the goddam truth...

"You know, I... I have feelings for you... it's kinda obvious"...

... cue awkward pause... both in speech, and the beat of my heart...

... and then came her reaction...

... oh, what a priceless reaction...

And what, pray tell, was that exactly?... you two readers are gonna love this...

... wait for it...

... ahem...

She covered her head with her two hands, gazed up at the sky, rolled her eyes, and then goddam groaned...

... ouch...

"Oh no!", she heartily laughed and giggled to herself, at the expense of my goddam pride...

... well... umm... that certainly went well...

Time for contingency plan number one? Yes, please, if I do say so myself...

That's when I basically cut her off. I had my answer, and so the shield went back up. So did the humour, which has always been my mask to diffuse situations like this. I didn't even give her the time to give me the fucking friends speech. Instead, I had one already prepared for her, just in case, to be honest...

"Don't worry about me; I understand that we're coworkers and that we're just starting to be friends, and I would never do anything to ruin that"...

... too fucking late...

... not for her... she seemed to buy it...

... but the damage was done to me... the damage was done to basically all my fucking hopes and dreams...

Now, I wouldn't say the rest of my walk with her was awkward. When my shield goes up, when I go into my friendly jokester mode, I can block out a lot of the pain. But I'd be fucking lying now if I wasn't feeling the effects of a broken heart, of a foolish hope that maybe the one woman that I finally thought would share the emotions that I feel for her, fucking laughed in my face as I opened my heart up...

I wouldn't say the next two days at work were really awkward either. It's just that, I can't look in her eyes anymore, I just can't. She comes by my desk every morning, and once she does, the shield goes back up. I can be a coworker, and maybe I can still be a friend. But I've spent so much of the past few months of my life staring deep into her eyes, wondering what exactly was the reason why she was staring right back. But now that I finally know the reason, that there simply is nothing there that we're sharing between the both of us, it simply hurts for me to continue to try...

I feel so damn stupid for listening to the fear in the pits of my gut and writing for her those two goddam e-mails. They forced my hand, as I intended to at the time, to reveal to her just how exactly I felt. It's just that, I don't handle rejection very well. At the very least, I'm hoping that finally revealing the truth to her will prevent me from going through my fucking usual mood swings any longer, simply because I don't have to keep goddam guessing whether she has feelings for me or not. But now, all the hope I had in my heart has been sucked away into goddam oblivion and replaced with nothing more than the void I've had for so damn long before I goddam met her...

It's not that I can't get adjusted to being just the old version of me that I was before she walked into my life at the Christmas party. That was who I was, and that will be who I am once more. It's just that, it feels so damn pointless right now, the meaning of life that is. Every single fucking morning from this point on, I will wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to work, do some shit, return back home, eat dinner, go to sleep, and then rinse and repeat the whole damn cycle. She fucking gave me a reason to wake up in the morning rather than just the sad fact that I have to for pride and money. But now that we can be nothing more than friends, I just don't want to wake up anymore. When I see her at work, I'm forced to block out her face and perceive her as just another coworker, simply because it hurts too damn much whenever I try to view her in the same damn spotlight as I did before...

I feel like such a fool, for listening to my heart instead of my mind. I knew she had no interest in me; the signals and signs were all there. I write her e-mails all the time, yet she barely ever responds with even a courtesy one back. I invite her out to ice cream and dinners and all that shit on Thursday and Friday nights, yet she always claims she's too tired from work to be bothered and then goes home to her family to do fucking chores. She rarely ever talks to me online, if ever, as the only time in recent memory that she has appeared on my IM outside of work hours was when she claimed she was waiting to talk to another friend in BC. Fuck, when was even the last time she spoke to me on the weekend? Just that once when she was all sick and beautiful and sniffly, when she couldn't go out in the Sun and was probably logged onto her chat simply because she had nothing better to do? WTF?...

How could I have been such a fucking fool, thinking that she had any sort of vested interest in me besides having yet another man in her back pocket. After I revealed to her how I felt, and of course after I gave her the fucking friend speech simply to salvage whatever remnants were left standing of my pride? After she fucking laughed in my face as I revealed to her the bloody hell truth, you know what she said about this whole damn ordeal?...

"This is the hazard of having so many guy friends", she smirked as she shrugged off my feelings like just another myopic footnote in her goddam history...

Now, I don't blame her for how she reacted. I'm a hopeless romantic without a fucking romantic bone in my body, and it's no wonder then why she had no feelings for me no matter how many times we went out together or shared moments after work. It's not like I'll ever come close to making the Top 10 sexiest men of the year list, or even have the smarts to woo her with a goddam rose. I'm sure she's even been asked out by guys she's known for years and years, so obviously a few months by her side means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I was just being myself around her, and I was so desperately hoping that the interests and personality traits we shared would be enough to create some sense of a bond, but apparently I was completely out of the ballpark with my goddam obsessive insanity yet again...

Do I wish she had let me down easier than she did, rather than just fucking laughing in my face? Yes, I honestly do. But it's not her fault that I don't have the self-confidence to just take this defeat on the chin like a real man. She doesn't know that she is indeed the first woman ever that I've cared enough for to actually tell how I feel about her. For every other girl I've ever had a crush on in history, they were always the one to shoot me down first, whether by giving me the goddam friends speech out of the blue or completely ignoring me starting from some goddam random day. In a sense, this girl at work will forever be special then, simply because she did make me feel so much for her that I did become spontaneous so to speak, and I did give into my passion and emotions, if only for one brief moment in time...

... but no longer...

Because the question is, I've now survived two days at work with her like this. How the fuck am I supposed to survive the rest?...

I have two choices right now, the way I see things going. One, I can treat her like a coworker, which to some extent is how I've handled the past two days. I can turn down dinners and lunches and walks with her, simply because the more time I spend with her, I know the more time it'll just end up hurting my heart that we can never be closer than we already are now. When she came over to my desk yesterday morning, I was all cool for the first five or so minutes until just one fucking glance into her eyes, just one fucking glance, and I felt the pain all over again. And I just couldn't say anything after that. Both of us turned stone cold, the whole conversation became awkward, and then she just left to a slight wave of goodbye. It was fine until I fell into her eyes once more, but if we ever do go out, it's only a matter of time until I do again...

... the logistical side of my brain prefers option A... cut the head off of the snake, so to speak...

... but naturally, my heart is desperately gasping for straws... and clawing at mits for option B...

I could still choose to go out with her, to dinners and lunches and walks and all that. I can fall into her eyes, and keep on staring through the pain, hoping that one day she too will feel what I feel. That's what my hopeless romantic of a heart is dying to come true, but this is also the trap that so many men fall for in the goddam Friends Zone. This girl at work, she admitted that she has countless numbers of men as friends, and she basically confirmed as well that so many of them have had feelings for her in the past. She's just collecting them all, using them as personal shields to prevent herself from feeling anything real for any goddam man out there...

There are still parts of me who refuse to believe that her laugh was the end-all, be-all of things, that it was really all just some self-defence mechanism to prevent herself from becoming closer to me. My heart is still bleeding with some goddam hopeless hope that the awkwardness we shared these past two mornings, whenever we stared into each other's eyes, was not just from my own silence but from hers as well. That when I feel the pain, she feels it as well. But this is the same damn goddam stupidity of a dumbass trap that got me into this goddam situation in the fucking first place. So right now, I'm more fucking inclined to believe in my brain over my goddam heart, for once in my fucking life...

I want to believe that there can still be some vestige of hope, that there will someday be something more between the both of us. But I also have my pride, and my heart just can't shake or take the anguish and punishment that it feels right now whenever I think of just how foolish I was for opening myself up to her like I did...

There was another reason why I told her this week about how I feel, besides the fact I was terrified that she overheard me Tuesday after lunch. It's just that, for the past week, every time we walk together, I can't help but feel those urges to just extend my arms and wrap them around her, holding her tight to the chest and beating heart. I've tried to avoid these feelings for so long, but they just became irresistible this past week to the point where I would've probably reached out and held her sometime soon if I didn't admit what I did admit...

... and now it just hurts... because the same feelings are there, but I know in both my mind and soul that I simply cannot touch her...

She laughed in my face. She fucking laughed in my face...

... most definitely not an ideal signal nor symbol for any future hope...

I've listened to my heart over my mind for long enough...

... long fucking enough...

And it's not like my heart is in any real shape to govern me still either...

... considering how broken it feels...

... like a time-piece... or a watch...

Obviously, this hasn't been the best of weeks for me...

... nor the best of both worlds...

Which is why I write...

... which is why I always fucking write...

Y2kk Update: Well, work has been shit. What else is new, right?...

Like I mentioned last week, I was put onto the most important project of the company, for better or for worse. I had to deal with new management, new deadlines, new requirements, and of course, new fucking workplace politics. What a load of fun that turned out to be...

What I'm not sure I mentioned though, was that I was put onto this project only temporarily, for the time being at least. I know that it's only a matter of time until I'll be sentenced to it full time, but for now, seems I'm working on both this and my old project simultaneously. And unfortunately for me, multi-tasking with two separate teams is a new thing for me. And it certainly didn't go well this week, that's for certain...

Simply put, short story short, in order to find the time to get to the shit I had to do for the more important project? I rushed on a couple of new features we implemented in the old project, enough so that I didn't realize what kind of damage could be done when combined with changes that I didn't know about on some other team member's side. Now of course, you might ask yourself, how the fuck am I supposed to know what my other team members screw up with the kind of non-existent communication in my company (and in this case, it was a huge oversight that I personally would consider to be bad programming design)? But the thing is, normally I have enough time to be as fucking meticulous as possible with testing, to catch these kinds of obscure issues before they get put into production on the server. I just didn't really bother to look hard these past two weeks, that's all...

Of course, logic dictates that some other team member in my group or that fucking QA would figure out the problem before updating the production servers, but apparently fucking not. They made a push of the service, and now we have a whole crap load of shit on the server that has become corrupted in terms of fucking XML data. And like I said, considering my main duty isn't to this service stuff anymore but rather to the more important project in the company, it shouldn't have been my fault that all of this shit ended up happening in the first place...

But I don't know, guess I'm still the rookie. I was the one who took the initial blame from all the management people for this mistake, and then I actually chose to go along with all their finger pointing. Technically, it wasn't just my fault that all of this fucked up on the production server, but I didn't want to start pointing fingers myself, so I just took it on the chin and claimed full responsibility. I don't know whether that will come back and fucking haunt me when push comes to shove, namely when I have to negotiate for a fucking raise and promotion. But either way, I let my other teammates off the hook. Not only did I fix the problem in the programming late this week, but like I said, I took full blame for the big ass mistake in the first place simply because a) it was my fault for rushing through testing, and b) I just don't want to get into goddam politics...

... I've had more than enough shit on my mind this week already, that's for sure...

... and naturally, of course you two readers out there can easily deduce why...

Now, don't get me wrong. The girl at work that I care so deeply for, she was kind and fun and kinda flirty with me for the first two days of the week. Monday and Tuesday were nice, or at least Monday was special, in the way we would look into each other's eyes and just smile, even if the topic we were talking about was goddam work and all. And she was kind to me on Tuesday; perhaps a bit tired, but still personal and we still managed to make each other laugh...

But Wednesday? I don't know what happened on Wednesday. Not only would she barely ever look at me, not only did she rarely utter a word to me, but I don't know if I really saw her smile one single genuine smile all fucking day long. I mean, I understand if she's tired or whatnot, but I've seen her tired before and she never looked that depressed and out of it before. She seriously looked like she was ready to rip off my head at the few instances where we did have eye contact, or at least she did seem that way before I came to visit her cubicle at the end of the day. She seemed completely estranged to me for the entire work day before all that, but as soon as I came over to check up on her and say goodbye for the night, she seemed perfectly normal and almost happy again. She still felt distant, she still felt a bit tangential, but she was smiling again. And at least, that brought a slight chuckle and grin to my own cheeks as well...

And on Thursday, she was completely the opposite of how she was for the majority of Wednesday. She was kind and open to me right off the bat, and when I basically admitted I was a virgin to her? Well, heh...

Yeah, you heard me right. For so long now, I've wanted to bring up serious discussion topics with her. But every single fucking time I would muster up the courage to do so, she would somehow shoot me down. Take a week ago for instance, when I was almost ready to admit to her how I really do care for her, only for her to invite one of her friends that I had never met to the night out that we had planned a week in advance. I had planned all week long to start talking about my own past and history when it comes to love (or lack thereof) and relationships and shit like that, but there was no way in hell I would go into that kind of personal shit with a newbie stranger there. And obviously, I got pissed off as hell, even though it really wasn't her fault at all in the matter. It was just bad luck and timing for what I was planning, that's all...

So this week, on this Thursday? I said fuck it, it may not be optimal, but I'll bring up personal shit anyhew. So yeah, I steered our conversation at fucking work in a single-minded direction until finally I made a reference to me being a goddam virgin. The thing is, she kinda seemed to ignore my comment at first, but I could tell that there was some resonance up there in her head after I said it. And for the rest of the day, she was pretty and picture perfect as hell. She was kind and gentle and funny and generous...

Wednesday, she had barely said a word to me until I came over at the end of the day, yet on Thursday there was not a single moment that she would choose with me to be silent. She was talkative as hell, and flirty as fuck as well, doing all the little things I fancy and find so damn irresistibly cute about her, from twirling her hips to pouting her lips. She was voluptuous that evening, and the only thing that did ruin Thursday for me was when she left for home, claiming she was too tired to stay downtown late that night...

I expected after Thursday that she would be just as wonderful and open and compassionate on Friday. But apparently, I guessed fucking wrong...

Friday, she was a completely different gal again. I mean, she wasn't nearly as silent as she was on Wednesday, but she was much more quiet than she was any other day of the week. The thing is, she claimed she was tired again, but I just don't see how that was the case really when Thursday she had left for home early in order to get the rest she needed. Friday morning, she was even dressed and decked up in pearls again, with no reason to do so considering she wasn't going anywhere nice after work, or so she claimed. So considering we had a lunch date together, I thought that maybe she had dressed up for me, and I complimented her on how nice she looked. The problem was, maybe it was because we were in the office at the time, but even my sincerest compliments seemed to piss her off as she just furrowed her brow and brushed me off. WTF?...

At lunch, she wouldn't smile or muster up a single conversational topic that was worth a laugh. She wasn't flirty, she wasn't funny, and nothing I said or did seemed to reach her as we were ordering food to take back to the office. I know that I'm not the best conversationalist myself, but everything I brought up, she seemed to just make a slight sly comment about it and then go back to being dead-panned silent. I was perplexed really, why she so suddenly became as depressed and morbid as she was Wednesday afternoon. Especially after Thursday seemed to go so damn well...

None of the generic or humourous topics I brought up seemed to be reaching her yesterday afternoon, so I decided to switch strategies. I had wanted to bring up serious topics with her for so damn long now, and since she wasn't responding to anything else, what choice did I have? I couldn't take all the awkward silences between us any longer, so I started talking about university, philosophy, life decisions, and eventually even the religious divide between the both of us. And while I don't know if she enjoyed the stuff we talked about (as she didn't even snicker much at the jokes I intermingled from time to time), I do know she cared. She just kept staring right at my face, right into my eyes, and honestly said to me things that could be construed as insults if I didn't take them as moments of sheer honesty instead...

... I for one, enjoyed our conversation... perhaps it was a bit too serious for comfort, but it was nice to know she cared...

She seemed a bit damn pissed at me throughout all of lunch, that I can assure you of. But once I got her talking about these serious personal things, she once again just kept on talking and rambling and never really let up. If I took her words more seriously than I did, perhaps my ego would've been bruised, but I think I managed to just take her speeches in stride as an interesting lunch discussion that I wish we could've had at a private dinner locale sometime. She certainly didn't seem pleased with me Friday afternoon, for whatever reason she had, but she certainly did seem like she cared. And that's got to count for something, doesn't it?...

So yeah, work has been shit. Yet truly, even if neither of us managed a single real smile on Friday, it was nice to have an honest debate between the both of us for once. I'm sure it was nothing for her, considering she must have tons of friends she converses with in the same damn manner, but at least it meant something to me. I am all about honesty here, and I really could tell that she cared about in me in some form and capacity, one way or another at least...

Am I bothering her at work? Is she angry that I'm obviously obsessed with her? Does she just want me to leave her alone? I really don't know, and that could very well explain her behaviour at work this past Wednesday and Friday...

But all I really do know from Friday afternoon, is that she does have feelings towards me. Whether they be good or bad, I just don't know, but they are there. She wouldn't have burned and seared and argued straight into my eyes for almost an hour straight if she didn't. There was something there, something I saw in the way she stared and glared back at me the whole damn time, but I just don't know what it was, that's all...

I'm confused. Baffled. Bewildered. Perplexed, even...

But yeah, that's me. The no-name whiner.

What else is new, right?...

... always...

Y2kk Update: Mixed aggregate feelings. That's what I have, for a lot of reasons at work this week...

... but I really don't want to go through all the details... it's just not worth it anymore, at this point...

A pseudo-brief synopsis though, by my standards at least? Woe is me, but works for me...

First things first, to go along with my upcoming year in review at my goddam job, I've gotten sort of a pseudo-promotion. It's been a long time coming, as I always expected to be important enough in the building to be moved onto the only goddam project that's earning the cash they pay me. Instead, I've been stuck on the same old project for a year, one that I still don't honestly believe the company actually cares about any longer. And because of that, I've felt like my job was in constant jeopardy, simply because I had no real importance or relevance being there then if the project was suddenly cut from the budget. No real security, full time or not, more or less...

But now, it seems that I'm being pushed into an intermediate developer's role in the most important project in the goddam company. This is what I've been telling myself I wanted for months now; this was honestly what I believed I wanted for months. But the thing is, now that I'm leaving behind the safety net of my old project, perhaps for good (except to train whichever n00bs they hire for my goddam horrible coding style)? I don't know if I like this feeling, that's all...

It is a new feeling, and I'm never one for new goddam experiences until they become old ones of habit. Everything is sort of confusing to me again, and I'm not just talking about the coding from others that I'm now scouring through for hints. Obviously, I'll have to deal with different management and a different status at work more or less. I may be officially becoming an intermediate developer, but I was already essentially one of the top developers of my tiny little project from the past year. But now there are tons of senior and intermediate programmers above me, and it's weird being the code monkey junkie that just follows all their orders blindly once more. Follow the leader is not what I had in mind when I essentially got promoted, but what else was I to expect?...

New management in terms of business requirements is definitely a concern for me as well. Too long have I been working on a small time project that I knew like the back of my hand, and basically wrote with my ten goddam fingers. Management was much more lax on that project, simply because there was no need to rush anything when the software would probably not garner us any money for the next few years anyhew. But this new project, the important one? It's the task that pays the cheques in the company, and of course now I'm starting to feel the pressure to learn my shit fast and get in gear. I do know my stuff, but it's a pain in the ass to build on top of other people's code, especially when there's no real high level documentation to give me a starting vantage point. It's not like I'm lost or anything, but the lack of direction right now is concerning in the sense that I feel like such a n00b once more. I don't like the feeling of new things, you know. I just ain't that type of person in terms of personal confidence...

But you know what was one of the things that pissed me off most this week? It had half to do with the fact that I essentially got promoted, more or less. It's just that, things just won't be the same anymore in a whole lot of aspects. I may still sit in the same place, I may still be coding relatively the same kind of shit. But relationships with people, and the people you get to work with? Things change, for better or for worse...

So yeah, I have been hurt this week by a lot of things, and one of them was something I didn't even think of when I was first called in to see the boss for my new role in the company. Because the thing is, every morning the girl at work I care for would come over to my desk area and chat with me for about twenty or thirty minutes a morning. Sometimes it would be for work, considering we were working on the same project more or less. But other times, it was just to see her fair face and ask how she was faring. Once more with feeling, you know...

It was a stinger on Thursday, when she told me she had no real reason to come over in the morning to my area anymore since we weren't on the same project any longer. While I understand her reasoning, I just didn't expect her to say that. And while I admit now that it was silly of me to overreact, what she said did hurt my feelings at the time. Now, I'm sure I would've been fine with this change, if only things had gone well on Wednesday and the latter part of Thursday as well. But unfortunately for me, this goddam revelation in our working relationship was just one of the many reasons why I was so goddam moody and pissed off this past week and all...

... and naturally, most of the reasons had to do with her...

It's just not worth getting into the details, again and again and again. But to put it succinctly, short story short, whenever I feel the two of us are getting close? She just has this way of knocking me down ten fucking pegs or more, giving me signal after signal after intangible signal that she wants to be nothing more than colleagues or friends, really. The fact that she wouldn't visit in the morning was just one of the ways that she seemed to tell me this week to simply back off and give her breathing room and space. And so I did, with personal painful results, but also a single fitting conclusion that once again I find I have to force myself to fake to accept...

And as a result? Friday evening was embarrassing, degrading, and goddam demoralizing...

... but sadly, it was still better than if I had taken my ball home with me that same goddam night...

Now sure, it wasn't a fun night by any means. But it definitely was a funny and amusing one, in tried and tired retrospect, at least...

Because goddammit, there are those times that I can just read her eyes and I know that she's interested in me, you know? It's just that, it's moments like those from this entire past week, that hollow me out and force me to acknowledge that she just isn't interested enough to ever let me get closer than we are...

... but like I said, it's not worth getting into the details...

Mixed aggregate feelings, I said. Which somehow reminds me of kiwi as a fruit, but that's a random story for another day...

Because once again, short story short? For some damn reason, I'm still at the same company as I was before, I still sit at the same desk, I'm still getting paid the same amount of shit, and I'm still typing away at the same damn programs and programming as I was just last week...

... yet everything feels different somehow, you know?...

I thought that this is what I wanted. I convinced myself that this is what I wanted...

But I guess, I just never know what I goddam want...

... well, except for one scenario... the one always on my mind...

... but the choice in that matter is just not mine to make...

Y2kk Update: A fifteen thousand dollar raise? Can I honestly ask for a fifteen thousand dollar raise? WTF?...

I went to lunch with a couple of coworkers today. I have my first ever yearly review as a full time employee coming up at the end of June, or so I've been told by management (when they offered me a decent three grand bonus for the past year, might I add). And to be perfectly honest? Yes, I am a tad bit nervous about the whole yearly review shit already...

This has been my first job as a full time employee. This is the first time where I will actually have enough importance in a company to negotiate a raise, a promotion, or whatever sort of shit I want. Provided that I do it all right, of course...

... which is obviously why I'm nervous...

Short story short, I'm being paid 45K a year right now. Which isn't a bad lump of money considering I was fresh out of university, but it doesn't really look good when you realize that a) I already had almost a year's worth of experience at a previous developer's job and b) I had a secondary offer at the time for 56K at another government job. Of course, the reason why I stayed at the company I was already at had everything to do with the full time status sort of shit that I'm going through now. Vacation time and benefits were definitely a plush plus, but even more than that, I wanted the power to negotiate and get a raise come the Y2kk year in review. I just honestly didn't believe I'd last or stay at the company long enough to see the full year through, that's all...

So now that I've been caught completely blind-sided by my own laziness and folly, still being at a company I claim to loathe and despise, I started asking questions around to a few guys I trust at the company, to see if I am being paid unfairly or not...

And the verdict of this lunch? It was yes and no, more or less. For an entry level developer right out of university at this company, 45-50K was the norm, so no real fault there. However, it seems that a lot of employees got raises around the six month mark of their job period, when I got diddly squat. And it seems that for a developer with a year's worth of experience under their belt, salaries normally start around the 55K mark...

I have more than a year's worth of experience now, even at this one company alone that I'm at. And considering that I'm supposed to be important to their cause (depending on what the company direction honestly is), my coworkers actually argued that I should be asking for sixty fucking grand. I mean, I should settle for 55K if that's the way it has to go, considering a ten thousand dollar fucking raise is huge enough for me. But all they were saying was that compared to other people inside the corporation, most of which do much less than I do (which is sad and scary, considering I really do nothing)? If they're making 55K after a year or even after six months, then I deserve sixty fucking grand...

But how ridiculous is that to demand? To go into negotiations, and basically argue that I deserve a fifteen thousand dollar raise? I mean, I can hope that maybe my employees will keep that in mind, considering I have been paid relative peanuts for almost a year now. Maybe they'll just offer me 55K on the table right away, and that after I suggest sixty, we compromise on 58K or some shit like that, which I would be more than content with. For the time being, at least...

A fifteen fucking thousand dollar raise...

... seems ridiculous, but I had two other coworkers all arguing that that's the truth of the company...

Of course, I could go all paranoid and just imagine that the both of them are trying to play politics and make me look like a goddam fool in negotiations. But there's also a third party a month back whom I heard similar stories from, and I'm definitely inclined to believe in her...

I would love to make sixty fucking grand a year, especially at a job where quite honestly, I do look at what all the n00bs are doing and basically see all the mistakes they're making in both concept and programming. I do have a lot of experience at this position, and quite honestly, it is kind of an interesting feeling when you can start looking at other people's work with a raised audit of an eyebrow instead of just a whole lot of goddam clueless confusion...

Would I stay at this company for 55K? Yes, of course I would. But anything less, and then what? Do I really have the guts to just walk away and start anew at some other company that will treat me like dirt for yet another goddam year?...

... which is obviously why I'm worried...

A fifteen fucking thousand dollar raise would be nice...

... hells bells, it'd be more than just nice...

But can I honestly ask for that without looking like a goddam fool?...

... well, that's the million dollar question for you right then and there...