Y2kk Update: Well, that was certainly thoroughly humiliating...

I went to my second interview at that advertising firm on Tuesday. I walked into that technical exam determined to do well, despite my petrifying apprehension that I might actually have to work in an environment that felt just like my old office space. But after seven months of unemployment, after my parents had given me so many speeches over the past few weeks how I've become an embarrassment to the family name, and after realizing that I could never forgive myself if I didn't give it my all in the first hands-on technical test I've ever taken, I became determined to work as hard as I could and achieve as high of a score as possible. I walked in there confident that if I put my mind to it, I can get any job opportunity that I goddam wanted. There would be no excuses this time, and I was sure that I would stroll out with an offer in hand...

Wow, was my pride ever goddam fucked up the ass. Seriously, I had forgotten the feeling after all these months, of how much it hurts to put your blood, sweat and tears into something only to be fucking shot down with a smug smile on their face. Nice to be reminded, I guess...

And since I have nothing better to do before setting off on a weekend where first I have to meet my friend for his birthday tonight, next to drive off to Toronto to see my sister for her own birthday tomorrow evening, and then to get all my shit in gear by Sunday afternoon when it comes to starting this part-time job of mine and scheduling the Accounting courses I'll be taking at York University this summer term? Well, since I haven't done a cut and paste job from my Tweakui website for quite some time, I thought I might as well pull that lazy-ass nostalgic stunt out of the book here yet again, since I actually have nothing else to write and whine about for once. Sounds like fun, now doesn't it?...

... ahem...

"Happy Canada Day to my two readers out there, and of course Happy Early Fourth of July as well.

When it comes to my Tweakui website, I know I’ve been a complete lazy ass in terms of updates for the past couple of years, this year especially. But whenever it comes to Christmas or whenever it comes to Canada Day, I always take the time to say hello to you two readers out there, and to genuinely reflect on where I am and who I’ve become in life. And the sad state of affairs is, I’ve gone absolutely nowhere and grown not a single bit since I last wrote on this webpage of mine. Last November, I lost my job and I’ve been looking for the right direction in life ever since. I’ve been to a lot of interviews over the past seven months, and four of them definitely spring first thing to mind...

Back in January, I interviewed for a small dotcom firm in downtown Toronto. I forget what they’re called and I forget what they even do in the industry. All I do remember was that the HR Manager there who brought me in for the interview was very friendly, even going so far as to help me with my wool jacket at the time. We talked about a bunch of meaningless crap like Mats Sundin leaving the Maple Leafs and the Toronto Raptors failing at existence yet again. I actually did well when it came to all the behavioural questions, and I always get the same comments as I always do from every HR manager I ever interview with at a computer corporation, that I seem like a "great fit" and that I’m the kind of guy who would work well with the team that they have assembled there. I always get those comments, I always hear those compliments, but it’s the second half of the interview that always goes wrong...

It wasn’t long until the HR Manager delivered me to the technical lead of the company, and goddammit, he certainly pulled no punches when all was said and done. Without barely an introduction and an exchange of pleasantries, he got down straight to business. The first order of the day was for me to take a marker and write on the board a sample of programming pseudocode. I forget what the question was exactly, but I remember it dealt with checking for the letter "e" in an array of strings or some crap like that, requiring a For Loop and String.Contains at bare minimum...

Because I’m actually not that embarrassingly bad at generic programming and pseudocode on paper, I actually finished the question rather quickly and felt kind of smug with myself soon after. Bad mistake though, as that’s when the real questions started flying. He started asking why I had programmed it the way I did, how I can improve it, how could I modularize it, and all that other software maintenance and documentation crap. I had to justify why I used a built-in Java library, I had to try to program it two other ways for increased efficiency, and I had to go into all the details of how I would design both unit and characterization tests to make sure my function keeps working if new parameters need to be added in the future. It was the toughest pseudocode question I’ve ever dealt with, and you know what made me proud in the end? I think I actually handled it well. Bad mistake again though, I’m afraid...

When the pseudocode was over, that’s when the real technical interview began. He immediately started asking me questions about Agile Software Development and how it helps Object Oriented Programming. I actually have a lot of experience with that, so I went through the usual talk of morning scrum meetings, short iteration cycles and the Spiral Model in terms of functional requirements gathering. That was good, that was all fine, until I made the mistake of first mentioning that I have both Java and .NET experience, and then also brought up the subject of goddam databases. Seeing how technical of a guy he was, I guess I really should’ve known better...

For Java, he started getting into more technical details, asking about a lot of libraries and a lot of the newer functionality in the language, such as Generics which were added just a few years ago. Already I was starting to get lost, and that’s when he started on the .NET side of things, talking about assemblies and asking about all the differences between Java and .NET, to the point where I barely even remembered where I was anymore. Then he decided to push me even further, demanding me to explain to him how synchronization in Java works and how to resolve issues with deadlock when they arise with SQL Server. It’s not like I haven’t learned or heard about all this stuff before, but to suddenly be asked about it all on the spot and to explain it all with words and then flow chart diagrams in an interview you never expected to be this damn hard and burning in the goddam spotlight? WTF?...

Suffice to say, I didn’t get the job. Things went from bad to worse when he started discussing programming books and blogs online that he and his colleagues frequent, and then basically made me out to look like the complete uniformed tool when I didn’t know about half of the authors he was talking about in the end. It was a clear and clinical beat-down of my skills and pride, and I understand why he did it, considering one can argue the lost art of the interview is to make a person cry and beg for mercy until you realize what they truly have deep down inside...

Unfortunately for me this time around, this wasn’t actually a personality test. It was simply his brutish style to be as blunt and critical and goddam bastard-like as possible. He flat out told me that I don’t have the skills required, that I need more Java knowledge and .NET experience before I can even begin to interview for this job again, and that I need to stay a lot more informed on the current state of the industry with books and blogs before I should even think about interviewing at any real company in this day and age. He did however give me one compliment, that I did alright with the pseudocode part. He said it showed that I do have some intellect to learn with, but I’ve wasted all my potential and not developed my skills one damn bit. And ouch, wow, certainly harsh criticisms that nagged at my gut for a very long time, but I simply just shrugged it off and took it on the chin while I was there. What else was I supposed to do, afterall? Argue for a job at a place that was already making me feel like goddam utter shit? WTF?...

That interview was perhaps the hardest actual interview I’ve ever had in my life. Obviously, I wish I had gone in there more prepared in terms of optimizing SQL queries and writing watchdog semaphore programs in goddam Java. But at the same time, while I abhor that man who interviewed me for basically making me out to be a goddam idiot, I still have to thank him and the company for at least opening my eyes. While back in the glory days of computing, one could basically get a development job by simply being a competent programmer with a decent degree of education, I guess that’s simply not the truth anymore. As the interviewer told me straight to my eyes, it’s a "buyer’s market out there" during this goddam recession, and that I need to rise to the top of the pack if I ever want a chance at a career in the industry again. He warned me that if I wait too long to hone my skills, the time gap on my resume will simply become too large for HR to ignore, and if I don’t actually read and learn everything I can about the new age of software development, no real company would accept me when so many better workers have been laid off from big time companies over the past few months. It was a wake-up call alright, with the hardest but most honest interview I’ve ever been to in my life. I swore to learn from that experience, and in many ways I did....

... just not enough ways, apparently, otherwise I still wouldn’t be goddam unemployed to this very day...

I’ve had plenty of interviews over the past six months. I’ve had one at a big bank, I had a couple with Yahoo Canada before they went down under, and I even got a job offer from a small firm in the city of Hamilton (a job offer I turned down thanks to pressure from that goddam big bank, which all lead to me earning absolutely nothing in the end). I’ve definitely had my fair share of experiences, both good and bad, most of which I’ve already written about on my download website. But the next actual memorable interview that comes straight to my mind, for better or for worse, was the one I had at a rather large hospital, also in the city of Hamilton. It was at some sort of research centre for dermatology I think, I already forget the details actually. I would’ve had to work directly with MD’s and PhD’s as my clients, and I was actually excited at the prospect of being at a place that could potentially help the world. While that first company back in January was simply yet another Web 2.0 dotcom firm, this Hamilton Hospital was actually trying to help the planet in a positive way and I honestly really wanted to be a part and contribute to that...

Ha, I guess I felt that way until I met the man in charge of the development team at least. Right from the start, I knew something was wrong with the way he just goddam stared in horror at me. I’m not going to flat out guess that he was a racist or anything (I am of Chinese heritage), but in all honesty he definitely did seem suspicious of me at first. I can’t say I have any evidence to back my feelings up on this matter either, though I was hard pressed to find any East Asians in his development team from what I saw. Either way, short story short, I just knew from that first hand shake that something wasn’t right, that he simply did not like me for whatever goddam reason he may have had. It may not have been about the colour of my skin, but that first impression I gave him never really seemed to leave the interview room. He just didn’t like me for whatever goddam reason, and he definitely proved it later on...

The interview itself though went great. Thanks to that tough as nails January interview I had to go through, I pretty much was able to answer any technical question that this hospital interviewer had in mind. Whether we were talking about Decorator design patterns or the unsafe keyword in C#, I actually thought I did exceptionally well when responding to all his programming questions. I did get stumped on one part, when he was specifically asking about Reflections in .NET coding, but it was just one single question in a half hour interview. I actually left that hospital feeling good and rather proud of myself. For the first interview in a long while, I actually felt like I knew my stuff...

It wasn’t just the technical stuff that I answered well at. It was also the behavioural questions that I really felt I excelled at, enough so that I felt this was personally the best interview I had ever participated in. Something just felt off though, the way he looked at me just didn’t feel right when I was giving my answers. I don’t know, maybe he thought I was being fake or phony something, but I believed I objectively and rather honestly answered all his queries well and I especially sounded very learned and experienced with the Agile Software Development practices that he wanted to start implementing with his team. To be honest, after the interview, I thought I was the perfect candidate for this job and I actually believed I was a real good fit with both the team and the work environment. Still, I left that hospital with a nagging feeling in my chest that something wasn’t right, that for some damn reason, the man interviewing me simply did not like me for whatever goddam excuse. I was hoping I was wrong, I was praying that I was just being paranoid, but my gut feeling always seems to find a way to turn out goddam right...

It wasn’t long until I got a message back from the recruiter who had recommended me to this hospital developer, and the news he gave was certainly not good. As the pits of my gut had goddam predicted, the interviewer had turned my application down, not even with the chance at a second interview in front of a panel of MD’s and PhD’s. I asked the recruiter what was the issue, I wanted to know why I wasn’t the ideal candidate for this job. And after a short blurb of pulling at his teeth, he simply shrugged his shoulders and revealed to me the reason why. He had asked the interviewer if I had failed at the technical side of things, only to be told that I had all the programming skills and knowledge necessary for this job. The recruiter then had asked him if it was my personality that he didn’t like, and the interviewer claimed that I had answered all the behavioural questions perfectly, or so he claimed...

Completely confused and bewildered, the recruiter then succinctly and blatantly asked the interviewer why he didn’t like me, and you know what the guy replied in return? He simply shrugged his own shoulders apparently, reported that I was "not the right fit" for the position, then hung up the phone. Heh, I know the recruiter could have just been making this shit up, but I believed him and his story simply because that’s the exact same impression I was left with the moment I shook the interviewer’s hand. He honestly seemed afraid that I was a great candidate, he honestly seemed terrified that if I was given a second interview in front of the panel of PhD’s that they would love me, and so he shot me down when he still had the chance before anyone else had a say, so that I would never have the real opportunity to join his team. Now, I don’t know what his reasoning was, whether he felt I was phony or maybe he was holding the job for a friend or something. All I do know is that from the very first second he saw me and shook my hand before the interview had even started, he had decided that I was not the guy for the job, and I couldn’t help but laugh how right my gut feelings were in the end. I was done a favour; why would I ever want to work for him?...

The next interview fresh in my mind was also conducted by a goddam asshole, although I guess he was one in a completely different way. I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped into a little townhouse for a job interview in Brampton, a city just north of where I live. The place was cozy and the people working there seemed friendly. Alas, the man interviewing me certainly was anything but. When I asked him about the job and what he was hiring for, you know what the reason he gave me was? Apparently, he had just been hired himself one or two months earlier, and already he felt that he had to clean house. I don’t know why he told me all this, but he suddenly went on a rant how he felt all the current workers there were lazy and useless and completely out of date on current programming knowledge. He admitted that they were all excellent with the software IDE they had designed, but they knew nothing about where XML and .NET had gone over the past couple of years. He told me flat out straight to my face that he was looking for "more technical employees" and that he wanted to replace everyone in the office? WTF?...

Umm, okay? I had no idea why he was being so honest with me, or why he would ever admit any of this to an interviewee, but it sounds like he was hired to clean house and move the company in a new direction and that was exactly what he wanted to achieve. He started off by asking me a bunch of behavioural questions, all of which I answered quite well as I normally do. That spawned yet another rant from him, how I sound like many of the old workers there, as in good with clients and teamwork but not actually at the hard technical stuff. Sure, I nodded my head at him in pseudo-agreement, but in the back of my mind I was thinking what the hell is this guy smoking? Isn’t having an office full of competent workers who all get along with one another, and all having the social skills and personalities to be successful with clients and consumers, the goddam Holy Grail for software development hiring? He admitted that they were all well versed and experienced with the technology they currently have at the company, and yet he wants to fire them all and replace them with a bunch of social bigots just like he is? Seriously, WTF?...

He seemed to like me though, if only because I was nodding my head as if I didn’t think he was going to take a sub-machine gun and rip apart his goddam office. That’s when he gave me his technical test though, the one he claimed over the phone was so "easy" that if I have to prepare for it, then I don’t deserve the job. Well, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t get the job then with this Office Nazi, because his test was much harder than I anticipated. It wasn’t just a bunch of generic pseudocode and SQL queries like he originally had claimed. It actually had a lot of questions on CSS syntax (without the help of an internet reference guide), XML schema formatting, and goddam SQL Server normalization bullshit. It wasn’t the most brutal test I had been through, considering I got through most of the questions just fine. But as soon as he took a look at my paper while "grading" it and saw that I had to leave a few questions blank? He literally both laughed and shook his head at me, then brazenly started walking me through what the answers should have been, humming and whistling during it all like he was some goddam serial killer. WTF?...

Suffice to say, I didn’t get the job at that Brampton townhouse location, and I certainly felt bad how everyone else in that office would soon be losing theirs. The Office Nazi that interviewed me was insane, absolutely crazy nuts in the fucking head, and I was almost tempted to actually tell his employees the truth of what was going on until I realized he would probably cannibalize my damn face if I did. In the end, he simply shook my hand and told me that I was not technical enough for the job. I was surprised he didn’t lecture me, how I was an idiot from the ghettos like the rest of his current team or something, but I assume he simply didn’t want to bother wasting precious time and effort in talking to a lower being than him on the programming food chain. I was one of them now in his eyes, afterall...

In the end, I really didn’t want this Brampton job. I would’ve never wanted to work for a manager as stuck up as he was throughout the whole damn interview, just like I didn’t care for that small downtown dotcom firm that fucked me up the ass with their interview questions. For all three of the interviews I’ve mentioned in this update so far, the managers in each of them have proven to me that they’re not worth my time or my soul in working for them for anything less than a million fucking dollars. If I take a job, I want a worthwhile place to exist for 8 hours of the day..

And when it comes to this fourth and final interview on my list, this one being in Toronto where I had my second interview just yesterday? At first, I felt the exact same caution and apprehension about it as I did all three of those wretched, prior interviews I’ve already mentioned up above. I was nervous, I was scared, and I was disgusted. This was an advertising firm, and at this fourth interview of a hipster and trendy place, I thought the work environment was completely wrong for me, considering all the managers I saw were hot MILF women who actually bring their dogs to work every single day and sip wine in the afternoon. I thought I would never fit in at a place like this, where "Sarah the Secretary" in her short-skirt mini-dress was perhaps the hottest receptionist I had ever witnessed in my life, and where the good-looking artists and front-end designers in the open concept cubicles all dressed like they were straight out of the goddam movies. I was also intimidated by this office because the technical manager who interviewed me here last Thursday admitted straight to my face that this was truly a high octane environment, where the advertising season in the holiday months becomes so hectic that I’ll be working overtime every single night...

I was worried about this place, I honestly was. When I left that first interview, the manager there had honestly told me that thanks to my relaxed personality and my Agile Software Development experience, that if I do well on the technical test I had yesterday, he would actually hand me a job offer right then and there on the spot. And because of that, because of my sheer laziness and the goddam drama of trauma from my last job, I became terrified of working again in a place where I would have to pretend to be someone I’m simply not every day of week, in order to fit in with all the highly social coworkers and managers and goddam clients. And I sadly admit, thoughts started to slip in and out and back into my head again, of what if I simply bombed this test on purpose? What if I don’t actually try my hardest, what if I simply fail without regard and return back to my life of searching for a job that fits me best?...

But over the course of the weekend, I realized I would never forgive myself if I did such a thing. I realized that it was time to stop hiding, and time to start growing up in my life for goddam once. I mean seriously, they were offering me a 60K salary, three weeks vacation, and an opportunity to pad my resume with technologies such as Java, .NET and PHP. The job description itself sounded fantastic, the location in downtown Toronto was absolutely perfect for the commute, the secretary was certainly easy on the eyes, and it’s not like I haven’t survived in a similar type of work environment before. Why should I let my fears of working in a busy and trendy office space dictate whether I throw in the goddam towel or not? It’s been seven months now since I lost my goddam job. It’s time I achieved something in my life again, and I knew I had to do my best to earn this or else I would never live it down...

I guess though, that was the problem. I did try my best, and I did actually think I did well, which is why my pride was so hurt and I felt so goddam disappointed in the end. The technical test itself consisted of an hour with Visual Studio .NET and SQL Server 2008, in which case I had to create a simple validation form and then connect it to a database to update a couple of joined tables of tweets, then refresh a .NET GridView with the DataSet. That was it really, it’s all stuff I’ve done before when I worked with C# and web services at the government, and I actually thought I did it well. Sure, I was out of practice since I haven’t used .NET in the workplace for two years now, but I completed the technical test and I thought I did it well, to the point where I was even panicking that I’d be offered a full time opportunity as soon as that manager walked through the door again. I was so confident and paranoid that I would get this job, that it never once fucking occurred to me that I couldn’t have been more fucking wrong...

Because wow, seriously, what followed was certainly an embarrassing and epic beat-down by that guy in charge, enough so that maybe yesterday turned out to be the most painful interview process I’ve ever been forced to endure. It was insulting enough that I had to do a hands-on test, but to literally be insulted after about all my work? WTF? As soon as he waltzed through that door and took a look at my code, I knew something was wrong, and the non-stop criticism for the next fucking half hour was certainly proof of that. Sure, I had completed the required tasks at hand, but apparently the point of this test was more about the "art" of programming than anything else. I had used my own simple validation on the forms rather than regular expression controls, I had connected straight to the database using ADO rather than creating the proper module object that he wanted, I didn’t have enough time to properly document all my functions, and he tore me apart for how inefficient and damn simplistic all my queries to the database were...

He pretty much ripped apart every single line of code I had written, straight to the face without pulling any goddam punches, and seriously, what was the point of that? I had saved everything I had typed onto the computer, so he simply could have let me leave in peace and called me the next day after reviewing the results. But no, instead he had to hold me up there just so that he could feed his ego and tell me for the next half hour straight that I was a horrible programmer with absolutely "none of the skills required for the job". I do admit though, he gave me one single compliment amongst the hailstorm torrent of insults to my intelligence, namely that at least I "got farther than most people did who claim to have 10 years of experience or more". Guess that means something, but beyond that though, he simply just criticized me more and more how primitive my programming was, before going on a rant how it’s a lost art how people don’t remember how to code efficiently or write proper SQL queries any longer...

Seriously, in all my months and months of job searching, I have never once been this fucking humiliated and this fucking goddam embarrassed ever before in my goddam life. For half an hour, this technical manager wouldn’t shut the fuck up and I had to take it all on the chin with a smile as he ripped my coding style more and more with every passing second of that wasted day. If only I hadn’t actually tried on the test, if only I hadn’t actually been naive and foolish enough to start believing that I had actually earned this job, maybe my pride and my ego wouldn’t have been so hurt as it was yesterday afternoon. But seriously though, what was the point of keeping me there for half a fucking hour of brutal, blunt criticism the afternoon before fucking Canada Day? What was the point of it all? So that I can learn my lesson after he literally laughed at the prospect that I would even ask for this job? WTF?...

The moment that I left that interview room, I realized and chuckled to myself that I felt the very same pathetic way as I did when I exited that other downtown office long ago, all the way back in January, as the dejected failure that I still fucking am. It was the exact same fucking shit, just a different fucking month, and I was just as naive now as I was all the way back then. The more things change, the more things stay the same. I walked into that interview room yesterday afternoon convinced that I would be leaving with a job offer in hand, to work in an environment that I simply did not want to be in. I do know I would’ve taken the job if they had given me a respectful offer, so I guess that manager did me a favour by making the goddam hard decision for me. If I had simply bombed the test on purpose, if I didn’t put my heart into and if I didn’t goddam try my best, I guess I wouldn’t feel the kind of shit that I honestly feel right now. But I did try my hardest, I did put my heart into it, and I even mistakenly thought I had done fucking well. I was as foolish yesterday afternoon as I was all those bloody months ago. Do I ever goddam learn?...

So what now for me? I lost the chance at Yahoo Canada, I lost the chance at working at a big bank, I’ve most recently lost the opportunity to work as a senior developer back at the government, and now I’ve failed yet again at earning the kind of job that I know I could’ve done well if given the opportunity to learn. The only remaining option on the table for me right now is to return to school, as I’ve been accepted to the Certified Management Accounting program at York University in Toronto. I guess I need to select my courses soon before second summer term classes start late next week. A few days ago, I was killing myself over the decision whether to return back to the workforce at that advertising firm or to try to change industries with more university education. I guess I should be happy then that the technical manager made the difficult decision for me. I certainly did learn my lesson this time around...

At least I never did throw in the towel. At least I know I tried my hardest. And at least I now know where I stand, even if it’s in the humiliating spotlight as the dumbass programmer who’s simply too incompetent to find a job...

So suffice it to say, it’s been quite the bitter and depressing and goddam embarrassing Canada Day for me. I just hope and pray though that by the Fourth of July, I remember just who I am again and where I want to be in life...

Happy Recession Day then, I guess."

Y2kk Update: It's been a while since my last update. For the first time in a long while, I can honestly say it's because I've actually been busy...

It all started when my friend came from North Carolina. After he spent four days here and I spent almost four hundred dollars going to dinner and watching movies with him, I had an interview the day he left with the provincial government division that I used to work at more than two years ago. That first day there was a technical test, written in Microsoft Word since it was administered by someone who didn't even know what software development was. I screwed up half of the questions but I got called in for an in-person interview anyways, where I thought I did really well in terms of behavioural questions but I guess I just couldn't hack it when it came to all the hardcore technical crap. I was fine when it came to the software development cycle, design patterns and most of the usual object oriented shit. But there were some other processes that I didn't really know about and couldn't talk my way through, and in the end the job went to somebody else just last week...

I really wish I had gotten that government job. I know it's sad that I would like a sorry and safe career at a place where everyone acts like an asshole towards me, but at least that's kind of a work environment that I can stand, where I don't have to put on a fake front of a face every single goddam morning of the day. I can just be myself and get the job done, which is all I've ever wanted from a career. As much as I hated the incompetence and the irrational anger that my managers continually demonstrated at my last job, I also absolutely loathed the fact that I had to deal with artsy people day in and day out every single goddam week. I hate pretending to be someone that I'm not, but I also can't stand the fact if nobody there will goddam respect me. I absolutely don't want to ever be asked to go out drinking or to hang out at their BBQs after work on the weekends. I know I'm being anti-social here, but I have my own friends that I care for and I want nothing to do with those that I have to deal with every day at work. I just want a comfortable job where I can be myself, by myself, and the government would've provided me that...

If I had gotten an offer sheet from the government, I would've signed that paper almost right away. No matter what the pay would've been (although I assume it would've been substantial, maybe 70K since it was a senior full time position), I would've just been happy to be working with .NET and SQL Server technology again in a work environment that I know I can stand with the kinds of people I actually do miss. But since I screwed up in that in-person interview, my fallback plan has always been to go to York University for a Certified Management Accountant Certificate. I don't know if computer programming is what I want to do for the rest of my life, especially after I've failed so many times to get into the big blue chip companies that I feel I would actually be comfortable and successful in. If there's any other industry out there that I think I can have a relatively satisfactory and safe life, it's being a CA in Accounting or to use a CMA to be a development manager at a computer firm or something. I'm sick of being the grunt at a small office who gets kicked in the groin every single goddam day. If I do have to work at another place like my old corporation was like, at the very least then I want to be the one doing the goddam kicking to the nuts...

Even York University hasn't been any less frustrating to me than all my goddam job interviews. The school was late on my acceptance into the Accounting program, enough so that I missed the start date for the first term of summer. I thought that was the end of it, I thought I would've had to delay my entry foray back into university until at least the fall, but it turns out that there's a second summer semester that I can partake in as long as it provides some of the courses I need for my certificate. I didn't like how to I had to attend a two hour meeting at 9 am at the goddam University in order to be told of this information, but now that I know it, I do still have the option this summer to finally start school again and maybe change careers for the better. The only real lingering issue is, there are a hell of a lot of courses I need to take in order to earn my CMA. After going through the boring ass info meeting, it turns out I need a bare minimum of 22 courses in order to be eligible for the CMA test in the first place, which requires at least two years full time at the school. Is a fallback plan really worth that long of a commitment?...

That's where my latest job interview comes into the picture. This week I had an interview downtown, literally only a minute walk away from my old corporation (or what was left of the old office after it closed down). This place that I was at, it's an advertising firm where it basically felt like an exact replica of my old company, only on steroids it seems as everything was bigger and louder and more glaring in the eyes. If there was any positive, it was that the brunette of a receptionist there was probably the hottest secretary I've ever personally seen in my life. I was kept waiting in the lobby for almost half an hour due to a delay or something, but I guess there have been worse uses of my time than to watch a gorgeous girl fold jeans while wearing a goddam short skirt. And I suppose it's not such a bad thing that they allow anyone to bring their dogs to the office every single day of the week, simply because they're trying to have such a casual and friendly environment, I guess...

But you see, that's where I start having goddam problems with my insecurity and my innate desire to simply be left alone. In this kind of workplace, everyone is supposed to provide the cool kind of small talk and everyone is supposed to have similar personalities to get along. The interviewer even said they're looking for the "right fit" for the company and that I seem to be just that, except it's obvious to me that deep down inside that I'm not. I'm the bitter, lonely and angry nerd when push comes to shove, not the smooth talking, business-like chump that I mask my face with whenever I'm in an interview or whenever I meet a new stranger. I'm fine with dealing with artsy people for a few days or weeks of my life, but for the next goddam foreseeable years of my career? I've already been down this road before at my old company. I can't take this kind of bullshit pressure on a daily basis. I hate having to seem like someone else to fit in with these kinds of people, I honestly do...

Of course, I can simply tell myself that there's no need to put on that mask, that I can simply be myself and maybe the people there of the exact opposite spectrum of personalities will simply accept me for who I am. But anyone who's been in the workforce for a sizable amount of time knows the truth to that. If I'm an old skool, boring ass, alcohol-free nerd who just wants to sit in his cubicle and work on his projects all day by himself, it always clashes with the hippie-style artists on the other side of the room, not to mention the managers who are all trying to get everyone to work well together, as they never quite tolerate the quiet member of the team. Every office is much like high school, where groups and cliques form and fight amongst one another, except in this place I really do fear that I'll be completely alone. Not only that, but even the interviewer admitted that this was a real high octane environment, one where the most work comes around the Christmas season when I may have to work overtime and weekends during what I consider to be the most important family time of the year. Is this what I really want?...

That's where my greatest source of conflict and confusion right now lies. On the one hand, I'm really afraid of this job, as I just don't think it's the right fit for me, personality wise. I've been there and done that before at my old company, and ended up hating both myself and everyone else I ever knew at the place when all was said and done. But on the other hand, this building I interviewed at is not my old company, the managers that met with me are not the same assholes that I knew before, and maybe it really will be different this time around for me in the end. Maybe what I really do need is a fresh start and maybe this time around I can prevent the kinds of mistakes that I've made before in the goddam past. I know I'm terrified of taking this job if I do get an offer this coming week, but I also know that a lot of my fear and apprehension stems from the fact that I'm simply too goddam lazy and goddam intimidated to go back to work. A month ago I was complaining how I didn't feel like I fit into York University as well, and while that still feels like the truth, I also know my paranoia is mainly because I'm simply terrified as a 27-year old graduate to return back to undergraduate studies. So where do I honestly feel like I fit in better, back at university or at an advertising firm that reminds me so damn much of my old workplace? I'd like to think York, simply because I do want the chance to change my career, but do I really have what it takes to go the full two years or is this simply yet another goddam excuse not to go back to work?...

It's not just my future career that's been keeping me busy for the past two weeks. So many things have happened now that worlds are colliding, hands are shaking and all quantum threads in my life seem to be goddam converging. My brother came over last night to make the big announcement to this family, one that I'll happily share once it becomes fully official in a few weeks time. Suffice to say, while I've been busy helping him over the phone and personally in his life quite a lot for the past month now, it's only going to get more and more busy as the months go on from here on out. My cousin from Queen's University has also returned back home and I've been hanging out with him a lot now that my best friend has returned to North Carolina. I guess though that the biggest elephant in the room was the fact that my sister had to leave late last week for her MBA program at Kellogg's near Chicago. I drove for two hours in goddam rush hour traffic and zero visibility from a thunderstorm in order to treat her to dinner, so that she wouldn't be alone on the night she had to fly out for a new country. Ha, I think I almost died when I stupidly changed lanes without even thinking about it between two giant trucks in the middle of a torrent of lightning and rain at night. It was worth it though to see my sister before she had to head off for the airport. I wish her the best and I hope this is what she wants...

And things don't really get any easier for me when it comes to the next few weeks. Not only did I miss out on two of my cousins' birthdays the past few weeks, which I'll have to make up for someday down the road, and not only will I have to celebrate with my brother when his big day arrives in the weeks to come, but my sister is also returning from Chicago next Saturday in order for us to celebrate her birthday. And not only do I have to decide between York University and this advertising firm soon if I do get an offer from them this coming week, but I also have finally heard back from my old mentor and supervisor at the government when it comes to the part-time server management job that he told me about three months ago. I've started tinkering and testing with the software package now, but since I haven't signed any agreements for confidentiality or pay yet, I haven't done much yet as of today. I better get started at it though, since I gave him my word that I would do the job for now regardless of how many hours I get paid, as I need this consulting position and his name for my goddam resume in the end...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? For the first time in a long while in my life, I actually do feel busy again. I still have plenty of free time for now though. But if I have to take both a full time job and this part time one, we'll see when my next update will be...

I don't know what I want to do right now. But my gut feeling is telling me, to ignore the fear I feel and to just move on with my goddam life...

Easier said than done, I know, but it won't be long until I actually have to make a real decision for once...

Y2kk Update: I've been unemployed for so long now that I forgot what it feels like to be busy. Now that I finally remember, I wish I hadn't...

This past weekend, my close friend from North Carolina came to visit me here in the Toronto area. I shouldn't just say he's my close friend, he's really my best friend and perhaps my only true friend after everything that has happened to me over the past few months. I was laughed at by all the coworkers I trusted, and was ignored by my longest lasting friend for months. So yeah, I absolutely had a great time with my best friend here, even if I was dead tired and half asleep most of the days we were out. Whether we were watching movies like Up and Star Trek or getting my ass kicked in Wii games such as Tiger Woods and Mario Kart, I honestly had a great time and probably the most fun I've had in months...

There's always an ugly silver lining for me though, and that was simply when he had to leave. Having him here reminded me of just how close of friends we were back in high school and for a few of those years after that, but since then? Since then, what has really happened in my life? My best friend had to move away, all my university friends ignore my e-mails every time I send them a letter these days, and I can't trust any of the other people I've come to know over the past few years, whether they're from work or anywhere else that I've met someone new. Basically, seeing my best friend off and having him return to North Carolina really did remind me of how progressively alone I've become since goddam school ended, and it's only going to get worse from here. Especially now that my family is moving apart, or at least literally in this sense...

My sister announced this past week that she has decided to take the offer from the Kellogg's MBA program at Northwestern University. She's already rented an apartment in the Chicago Greater Area and she'll be going down to the States for an entire year of schooling by the end of next week. I know I've never been close to my sister, I know that she and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but she's still my sister and I will always love and miss her simply because I care about my family so very much. This move to Chicago is only the first of potentially many years apart, considering my brother-in-law wants to move to Hong Kong and my sister will naturally follow him as soon as her tenure at Northwestern University is done. For all I know, she may never come to live nearby the rest of this family again for the rest of her life...

I spent Thursday through Tuesday with my best friend when he was here visiting, and I'll be kept busy again this weekend when I see my sister for lunch and dinner on Friday. Then she'll be coming home one last time for an early Father's Day celebration on Sunday, I believe. Now I'm sure she'll be bored as hell when she'll be here, considering she's never been one to sit down with the parents and actually have a meaningful conversation. But considering she is moving away to Chicago and she won't even be home for her own birthday, it's necessary for her to say her goodbyes. We'll be visiting our remaining grandparents I'm sure, and I'll make sure to bring her to my grandfather's tombstone for her to bid her farewells. And considering all the other changes I've had in my life, from my brother moving to his new condo uptown to my close cousin joining the ranks of medical school over at Queen's, I guess I've never felt more goddam alone in my entire life. I knew this might happen after university was done and over with, but I guess knowing and believing are always two very separate and distant things...

I've mentioned before how without work, I've been meaning and wanting to bring new people into my life. I decided to return back to university, this time for an Accounting Certificate at Toronto's York University, half because I might want to switch from my computer industry, and half because I guess I desire on some level what my brother already has. He not only found a great career thanks to his business degree at York, but also found the love of his life there when he least suspected it. Of course I would want that for myself, how could anyone not? As a graduate of the University of Toronto, I guess I always looked at my brother with kind of jealous and envious eyes. He received from university everything that he wanted in life, when all I got instead was a worthless paper of a degree. I've felt alone for so long now, and with no employment in sight, I figured there wasn't a reason not to return to school, if only to try to find my place in this world once more...

Things didn't exactly go as planned though, as I guess they never do when I try to take charge. After my initial online application, I guess I made a horrible goof in not realizing that I had to pay an extra ten bucks (on top of the original $90 application fee) to get my official transcript sent from the University of Toronto up to York. Because of this oversight on my behalf, my application wasn't processed until this past Monday afternoon, in which case finally I was accepted to York University for the mature student certificate course. The only problem was, didn't business classes already start this week for the summer term? My original goal was to take a couple courses these next few months, courses that might actually be applicable to my current career path of becoming a technical manager or some crap like that in a computer company. I was hoping to actually take management and finance classes that would actually teach me the things that I do want to learn, but obviously a wrench was thrown into my plans if I've already missed one or two weeks of goddam introductory lectures and tutorials...

I visited York University yesterday after I dropped my friend off at the airport and met my sister for lunch. It took me about an entire bloody hour in order to figure out where I actually had to go to set up my enrollment appointment, but finally after being pointed in the wrong direction by four or five different fucking information centres, I had earned the goddam privilege to wait in line for another half an hour or some crap like that at my final destination. When it eventually became my turn to speak, the person behind the desk was absolutely shocked to hear that I was given entry to the summer term after courses had already been running for a week. While she was calling people behind the scenes to figure out what the hell to do with my application acceptance, I was forced to wait on hold for another ten or fifteen minutes in frustration from this university that was somehow already pissing me off more than my last. Finally word came through that a meeting had been set for me at nine in the morning this coming Friday, but I don't know if I was more upset in the end than relieved. Yes, they were granting me entry into the summer term like I had originally applied for, but is this really what I want now after I have missed an entire week of classes or more?...

The thing is, more than the fact that I missed out on all the information from the first lectures I've already lost, I think the thing that scares me most is that I would be the random nobody that would walk into the classroom a couple weeks late when all the friends and alliances and groups within the courses have already been set amongst each peer. I mean, I do want to go to York University, I do want to return back to my educational roots, simply because I want to meet new people and I want to make new contacts, especially considering this is a business school I am now attending. What's the point of joining the classes late then, when it's not really the course material that I wanted to concentrate on in the first place? I'm still planning to go to this meeting on Friday, but I don't intend to fork over my credit card and pay almost six hundred bucks a course in order to walk into them late and have everyone shun me because they have no bloody hell clue who I am. I want things to be different than they were before at university, but walking into those classrooms late would simply be repeating history all over again...

It's more than that though, and I hope this is just my fears compounding and my paranoia intimidating me like it always does. But really, when I was at York University, when I was searching the buildings and asking around for directions, I just couldn't help but feel lost. Granted, that was expected, but I certainly didn't feel excited or nervous in a good way about it at all. Everywhere I looked, I saw guys and girls all around that were so much younger than I am, and they all had that sort of carefree look on their faces that I wish I still had. Everywhere I glanced, I saw couples together and gaggles of friends synchronized in unison, the kind of stuff I miss from my days at university but also the stuff I realize I've moved past in my life as well. I really felt like such an afterthought of an awkward presence there on campus, like I truly did not belong. I understand that returning to university is always a daunting issue, especially after so many years gone and after being so embarrassed by the working world since I left. But even knowing all this, I still couldn't help but ask myself, is this what I truly do want? To try to blend in and mix with people that I consider in my mind to be kids, to try and fit in with those who don't give a real shit about their futures yet? I wanted to join university again to meet new contacts and find new friends, but are these the kinds of friends that I want to be with?...

My line of thinking right now, both logically and emotionally, is to back out of the summer term but keep my options open for full time status in Fall. I know I'm irrationally scared of trying to return to school, especially now that I see and feel how old I am in comparison to everyone else around me. It's not just the age differential that frightens me, it's the fact that I feel I have nothing in common with the people I saw around me, even less so than I ever felt at the University of Toronto (which was a nerd's school and will forever be a nerd's school). I dunno, maybe I will start feeling a lot more comfortable with my new campus surroundings as soon as I step into my first classrooms and say hello to the first new people I will have met in months. The first step is always the hardest step, I know that from goddam experience at least. But still, I swear it felt like more than just irrational fear and paranoia when I was looking at all the young faces around me. I completely had the gut feeling that not only did I not belong, but that I probably never will there. This is not my world anymore, and there was a reason why I left it in the first place...

Look, I'm just going to come out and admit the obvious, if I haven't already. The reason that I chose to go back to university was not just to have something new on my resume and it wasn't just to meet new friends, but it was mainly because I can't stand seeing the face of the girl I still care for from work every single damn morning of the day. I try to avoid thinking of her, I try to pretend like I don't still dream of her when I'm asleep at night, but nothing seems to help me move past her and nothing ever helps me to forget her face. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I know it's probably all just from my deep rooted longing to find true love and to believe that nothing else in life is meaningful. But I'm sorry, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just can't help how I feel. I don't know if I was ever truly in love with her or simply the ideal of her and of the perfect woman who could come to love me. I know that she was probably never that image of a woman that I had in my head in the first place. And I know she rejected me, I know that she put me in the goddam friend zone, and I know that she left me for the rest of her life a long time ago. But none of that helps me to stop thinking of her every single time I wake up in the morning. Knowing all this never ever fucking helps...

I signed up for university because my brain keeps telling me to simply move on with my life. There's no logical reason to ever assume that this girl is the one and only woman for me, that there isn't anyone else in the world that I can fall in love with. I had plenty of crushes back in university, so why not find a nice rebound girl and finally move on with my goddam life? More than the schooling, more than the new friends and career contacts, what I wanted most from university was the chance and the probability of finding someone new and finding someone special, to finally make me feel whole again like I felt before I met and lost this girl at work. I guess, I wanted to feel sure and strong and confident in myself again, or at least as much as I felt when I last left university. In the past, I've always fallen for the girls I've simply gotten to know and talk with in proximity. Even if it hasn't happened since I met the girl from work all those years ago, why can't it happen again?...

But when I was walking around that university campus, when I was glancing at every young face and every single person I could see, I couldn't help but feel that gut-wrenching churning in my stomach that I was making a terrible mistake. What my brain wants is for me to move on with my life, to find someone new, because rationally there is no reason why there would be only one woman for a man in his entire damn life. But my heart, while still so damn wounded from everything that has happened over the past couple of years, still does not want to let go of the hope that she really is the love of my life, that she really is the woman that I can spend the rest of my life with. I know on the surface that everyone assumes the same about their first love, that everyone does believes in true love until hormones kick in. But deep down inside, in the pits of my gut where my feelings cannot be denied? I can't help but feel like I'm betraying who I am, that I'm turning my back on the person that I'm really meant to be with. Even if I know it will never happen, I have to say that every single fibre of my very being wants her back. I know I never had her in the first place, I know we were really nothing more than friends, but I still miss her, I swear to God that I do. There's nothing more in the entire fucking world that I want than to have her back and to see her smile. I just want my old life back, that's what I really want...

But she was the one who laughed in my face when I told her how I felt two years ago. She's the one who, after returning from her trip to Malaysia, told me straight to my eyes that she had yet to meet the kind of man that she could ever fall for. She was the one who after a summer of incidents thanks to my petty jealousy, chose to ignore me for the next year at the office except for work and pleasantries, and she even apologized for it before deciding on her choice. She was the one who refused to go out with me the night that she quit her job, she was the one who yelled at me when I tried to talk with her at the Christmas celebrations, and she's the one who wrote to me that if I can't get over my clingy crush on her, then maybe we shouldn't even be friends. She's the one who even after my grandfather passed away, told me after I treated her out to hot chocolate and a gift from her past, that she didn't have enough time to see me again until at least a few months down the road. She's the one who was always too busy to speak with me for even five minutes over the goddam phone. And she is the one, lest I ever forget, who after I asked if she would contact me the moment she had enough time, lied to me those fateful words of "okay, I will", only to never be heard from again. She is the one who chose to leave me. She is the one who decided that I was not the one for her. How can I ever forget?...

If you love someone, set them free, but she never fucking returned. I haven't heard from her since January, not a single phone call or e-mail, not even to check up to see if I was still alive after all these months of being alone. I have no clue what she's doing, whether she found someone else to fall in love with or if she still simply believes that love is not necessary to live a real life. She was the woman who opened my eyes and showed me that there is so much more to this existence than just waking up in the morning, spending your day at work, then chatting with a few friends before going to bed to repeat the same damn process over and over again. She was the one who made me realize that there is so much more that I want in life than to just go to school, find new contacts to further my career, and walk out with another useless piece of paper that does nothing to make me content in life. I haven't been happy since the last time I think she was happy with me, but I know that's not the case with her. She told me so many times that she's content. She's fine without me, she always has been and I'm sure she always will be. How is that fair, and how then can I ever believe that she is the one for me if I've never been the one for her? I don't know, but I can't help how I feel...

I miss her. I want nothing more in my life than to have her back. But she's fine without me, and she's fine with her choice to leave me. It was her decision, and I have to respect that. I can't contact her in good conscience until she gives me a sign. I've waited four months now for something, just anything to give me a reason to call her again, but I've heard nothing but silence. And I know it'll stay that way, simply because this is the way that things are meant to be. I cannot ruin her life simply because my love for her has ruined mine. I care for her too much to put her through the same pain and frustrations that I did before. She chose to leave me, and I need to live with it, no matter what...

It's been a long time since I felt this busy. I've had my best friend over in my house for the past six days, I'll be meeting my sister as much as possible before she sets off for school in Chicago, I still have birthdays for two of my cousins to attend these next few weekends, I have this whole fiasco with York University to deal with in the days to come, and I'm finally getting some of those job interviews again that I haven't had en masse since the January and February months ended. I finally have things to do again, and yet I still feel as lost and hopeless as I did before, simply because all of them are nothing more than my lame attempts at running away from what truly means something in my life...

It may have been a long time since I felt this busy, but my sense of loneliness has never been lost. I'm sure I will go to university again, whether it's this summer or fall, because I have to move on with my life. It may feel like the biggest mistake of my life, but I have to do it...

I realized this week that I don't want to move on, that it's not what I truly do hope for. But what other choice do I have?...

I can't have what I want. The most I can do then, is forget...

Y2kk Update: My life is going nowhere, even at sixty kilometres per fucking hour...

A perfect example of how my existence is stuck in neutral? On Friday, I spent pretty much the entire day at the mechanic's. We've done business with his small little shop before, so I trusted him and his advice. For the past month now, our Ford minivan (cue 'found on road dead' jokes) has been making high-pitched squealing sounds whenever it exceeds fifty kph or more, almost as if it was ready to jump back in time or some shit like that. I'm talking about a constant racket here, enough so that it pretty much turns every disgruntled head racing towards the car, friendly glare or not. With my friend from Charlotte flying here in about a couple weeks, I wanted to make sure that this problem was gone so that he would feel safe (or as safe as he could feel with me driving at the helm) whenever we're in the vehicle. I had no problem with spending over three hundred dollars out of my wallet to get the car fixed here and now, even though the mechanic couldn't quite place what the problem was. All indications seemed to point to a rusty rear brake rotor and broken down brake pads though, so that's exactly what I decided to order...

I got to the mechanic around noon on Friday. He was busy with other customers and that was fine, it was his skill and price that I trusted, so I was willing to wait the couple of hours that I did until he finally was ready to take a look under the wheels of the minivan. Like the last time I was there, he recommended a full replacement of the rear brakes, citing that they were rusted beyond belief and the brake pads were worn down to the point that they were probably giving the squealing sounds as a warning signal. After doing basic internet research the morning before, I couldn't help but agree with his assessment. He gave me an estimate of $230 for the entire job, which was over a hundred dollars lower than the next best estimate that we got from anywhere else. So of course I gave him the go-ahead to start repairs on the vehicle right away, and I set off to finally get some lunch at a nearby rundown mall, about a twenty minute hike away...

That's when the bastard called me on my cellphone, when I was already halfway down the road to my goddam luncheon destination. He quickly reported that his initial estimate was wrong, that the repairs would actually rack up $330 instead, and he asked whether it was alright for him to start on them or not. I couldn't believe what I heard, he jacked up the estimate by a hundred frickin' dollars? Seriously? I know that this new cost was still slightly lower than his competitors, but what happened to the amazing deal he was offering me before? I hate being made a fool of, I hate tactics such as this where he probably conveniently waited for me to leave before telling me the real price. So I stormed back to his mechanical lair (starving stomach and all), demanding an explanation. Problem was, he had left for lunch as well, goddam bastard...

I chose to wait for him for the next hour and a half, practically killing myself in the process, until the guy finally returned. I then asked him for an explanation for the price hike, and he simply and callously shrugged, "I couldn't get the parts at the original price". Well, I'm sorry, that wasn't good enough. He had made me wait two hours in the morning and then another hour and a half for his lunch break, all so that he could try to take advantage of me by giving almost the exact same fucking price as any other mechanic would have? I refused to pay for the estimate at hand, and even though it was only a pittance of a difference, I demanded that he knock off at least thirty dollars or else I simply take my car and walk (or drive). He tried to play hardball at first, knowing full well how long I had waited for that estimate, and he even put back all the tires onto the minivan until he finally realized I wasn't giving a shit about his strategy, and he agreed to give me the three hundred dollar price I was asking for. Hell, I probably could have gone lower at that point and I probably deserved to save more of my cash after what he had done to me that afternoon, but all I was asking for was a compromise between what he had initially offered and what he had tried to fool me with after. He finally conceded, and I signed the bill in relief before running like a madman to the nearest fast food joint...

I was feeling fairly decent with myself afterwards when all was said and done. I waited in the nearby mall for about two hours until I got the phone call that my vehicle was ready. The mechanic was cursing at me in his own language from what I heard, but a deal was a deal and judging from the bill, I didn't actually cut into his labour profits by much at all. I took a quick glance at the new brakes through the tires and everything looked fine and pristine. I thanked him earnestly for the compromise and work he gave, I shook his hand in honest appreciation, and then I took the car for a test drive and everything seemed right and proper in the world once more. I swiped my credit card, paid the bill in full, and after I had just gotten far enough away from the mechanical garage that it wasn't worth it anymore to turn the fuck around?...

That's when the car started squealing like mad fucking hell again. WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

So all in all, and all good things? I had spent about six fucking hours of my day at the mechanical shop, haggling and busting my ass against a guy trying to take advantage of a young fool desperate for a car fix, only for me to realize on the very fucking ride home that the car was still fucking screeching like a goddam banshee? Seriously, WTF? Was it not the rear brakes that were the problem, even though the mechanic had supposedly checked the belt system and the front brakes and determined they were both fine? Could it be that there are busted joints or some sort of crap somewhere around the car, now making me even more terrified to take this goddam vehicle out on the road? Or was it that the mechanic was simply pissed off enough at this naive-looking kid who actually forced him into a price compromise, humiliating him to the point where he did a half-assed job fixing the only fucking problem that I brought the van to him for in the first place? WTF?...

What's the moral of the story here? Every single time I finally get off my ass and put effort into improving or repairing something in my life, I always end up back at square fucking one. I know I should try harder, I know I should never give up, but where has all my efforts taken me in life so far? What do I really have to show for it, except a car that still howls in the pale moonlight like a moose in heat, and a fucking cost of three hundred fucking dollars to my name during my goddam fucking unemployment?...

Anyways, I forget if I mentioned that the old company that I worked at, the one where I was forced to quit simply because I couldn't stand the sight of everyone else being laid off around me, was finally sold and bought out by a moderately large tech company in Richmond Hill. For the sake of simplicity, I'll simply call them "OT", although it might be easy to google their name knowing their initials and location. It was back in March that this company finally bought out my old corporation, and I was contacted in order to sell my eleven fucking dollars worth of options in the company. And yes, it's true, I surprisingly actually did get a cheque for eleven fucking dollars in the goddam mail, which was a strange gesture considering the goddam postage stamps probably cut into most of the ex-CEO's damn profits. But there's more to the story than that...

I probably did mention this, but an old colleague of mine recommended that I submit my application to this new company, to join the new team they were developing with my old company's technology in mind. I did so at first by applying through the OT website, until I was told by my former head of HR that all potential applications had to go through my goddam ex-CEO first. As in, if I wanted a job at the new company, I had to first get the approval and recommendation from the same goddam fucktard who forced me to quit my job and left me without a shred of severance pay during a goddam recession. I knew where this line of questioning was going, but I bit the humiliation bullet anyways and confirmed my name for the application process. And naturally, I never heard from my ex-CEO or the HR manager ever again. I tried to follow-up, I think twice with e-mails and once over the phone, and I got absolutely nothing but silence (though probably an evil laugh in the distant background). As far as the former owner of the company was concerned, he really did have the last laugh. He confirmed I was still unemployed, and I had basically begged him for a goddam job back. Cruel, vindictive bastard that he is, I bet he shared the news with those peers of mine whom he did hire. They were already laughing at me before when I chose to quit my job. Why shouldn't they laugh again now?...

A couple weeks ago, I got a surprising e-mail from that same company, OT, except this time it was from one of their human resource representatives. I had completely forgotten about that first application I had accidentally sent to them through their website, and the HR woman was asking if I was available for an interview. She directly mentioned that my credentials were good and that my experience appeared adequate for the job. It was then that my suspicions got the best of me, and I asked her if she knew that her company had not only bought out my previous corporation, but also hired a team of my former peers. She didn't confirm with me at the time whether she already knew this information or not, but she did admit she would ask around about my name. That was the end of that phone conversation. A couple days later, before we were to schedule an in-person interview, she wrote back to me with a rather cryptic e-mail. She simply stated, "Sorry, it turns out you do not have the qualifications for this position". That was it. Wait, that was all? Seriously, she confirmed with me twice before that she was looking forward to proceeding to the in-person interview step, and then all of a sudden, she cuts off all communication with me? WTF?...

I tried to follow-up with her, I tried to even ask for an explanation as to why I suddenly did not have the credentials to even merit an interview at OT. She never replied, she never contacted me back, but I think the answer was obvious though, and it was all thanks to my big mouth. I told her about the team of my peers at her current company, simply because I would never want to work in a place with a hostile environment. I'm sure that after our phone conversation, she e-mailed around and got a few references and opinions on the kind of worker and person that I am. Unfortunately for me, I'm sure that my worst fears were confirmed, that my former peers were laughing behind my back, that they never wanted to see me again, and that they really had no qualms about saying negative things about me when I'm still trying to find a goddam job...

If my ex-CEO was contacted (last time I heard, he became a manager at OT), then I'm sure his ego was fed again by the fact that I was still goddam paycheck-less after all these months, and that once again my fate was tied to his bloody hell hands. And if he was asked about me, I'm sure he said as many negative things as he could possibly think of to keep me down, he's simply the kind of vengeful bastard to do such a thing. There was no way I wanted to work in a company with a bunch of old coworkers who would make life a living hell for me, so I made sure to bring up my history with them in order to make sure questions would be asked. If the HR representative had asked around and still wanted an in-person interview with me, maybe I could stomach working in that environment, knowing that either my old peers weren't mocking me when it mattered or that the management there simply has much more faith in my personality and skills than my old company ever had. Maybe I should've been more confident and more bold and simply walked into that place regardless of how many of my old coworkers would burn holes into the back of my head with their stares, but I'm just not that type of guy. Do I want a job, preferably one in a solid company like OT? Absolutely, yes. But no career is worth to me a room full of enemies and an all-too familiar and uncomfortable feeling for years to come...

Maybe I'm imagining things, maybe the HR representative was somehow telling the truth and thanks to the recession, the requirements for the job at hand had suddenly gone way up. Then again, what are the chances that such a thing would happen just two days after she confirmed me for an in-person interview? What are the odds that I would suddenly be kicked to the curb for a legitimate reason just two days after I told her about my prior relationship with the new team now working at her company? I'm not lamenting the loss of another job opportunity, as like I mentioned before, no career is worth it to me if I'm stuck in a hostile environment where I simply cannot be comfortable. But I really can't stand the thought that my ex-CEO and all the goddam peers I've alienated these past few months, have not gotten just one chance but two fucking opportunities to fucking laugh behind my back at how fucking pathetic I really am. They're the ones with jobs, while I'm the one begging for a seat at their table. I left myself to their mercy not just once but twice, and got bitch-slapped both occasions by the people I once considered to be friends. The one I used to go out with for lunch every single day, he now works at OT and was already laughing about my stupidity when I last spoke to him in winter. I haven't heard from him since, not since he joined the others, and I guess I prefer for it to stay that way...

So where does that leave me? All alone, with absolutely no meaning and no accomplishments to my name in my life. I have so few friends, I've lost pretty much all my contacts I've ever made from work, and I obviously have nobody dear to my heart that I can share my deepest feelings with. Even my own family gave me a scare when I had to spend a week in the hospital with my mom who fell ill. Ever since I left university, my life has led absolutely nowhere, and every attempt I've made at rewriting and correcting my own course of history has left me exactly where I goddam started and stalled in the first place. It's not just frustrating, it's downright pathetic. My career path was pointless, my goals in life directionless, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my name or my existence except for this goddam fucking website of mine...

That's why I've decided to basically start over from scratch. That's why I've decided to begin fresh and anew from day fucking one all over again. I've tried for months to get a developer job during this recession, but not only do I find it almost impossible to do so against the competition out there, but I also find that I just don't really give a damn about making meaningless websites and social networking apps for companies that don't give a shit about me whatsoever. After you lose everyone you once considered to be a friend or an ally at work, I guess the labour force just seems like such a pointless and rudderless endeavour, and isn't worth an hour of your time but for the goddam fucking cheque. I've amounted to absolutely nothing in my life with the computer engineering degree that I have, and it will always shame and embarrass me when I think of how poorly I failed in so many of the courses I had. I wish I had tried harder in school, I wish I had made so much more of myself than to simply show up for exams and assume that my name on a degree would earn me the kind of respect I want in life...

I applied to York University for the Certified Management Accountant program about a month ago, though thanks to my own stupidity pertaining to my U of T transcript, I still haven't received an acceptance or rejection apology yet. But I am hoping to get into the York CMA course, even if it will take me about two years to graduate from their mature student opportunity. Do I want to become an accountant? No, not necessarily, although having more options in life is definitely a positive no matter what. It's the management part of the certificate that I prefer, and I can only hope that also having a business program under my name will help me to get the kind of career I want in either the accounting or computer world. I admit, returning back to university is more of a stopgap measure than anything else, considering I can't find a job worth a damn in this kind of recession environment. But I can also choose to work part time while studying if a decent opportunity arises, and I also have the choice after the end of this summer term whether to continue on with the CMA course or not. Sure, it strips a hell of a lot of money out of my own wallet, but as long as I feel like I'm learning and achieving something of value in my life again, it's money well spent...

I'm sick and tired of sitting on my hands doing nothing, and sadly the prospect of working for another small firm ready to cut and forget about me at any moment's notice is hardly something I'm interested in either. I've thought of volunteer work, and I've wondered whether to join a non-profit organization with a cause I believe in as well, and both are still possible while I try to get a business certificate from York. Returning back to school doesn't just give me more options in my career, it also gives me a second chance to try to meet new people, maybe make new friends like the few I still have from the University of Toronto. And I can't help but dream and hope that maybe I will find that person that I can fall in love with, for real this time. I just want to get away from my old life and my old company, you know? I just want to forget and move on...

I admit, it won't be easy for me to leave my past where it belongs. I've always been the no-name nostalgic, I've always dwelled on the person I was and where I've been far more than I where I am now. But what choice do I really have but to move on? I don't talk to anyone I met at work anymore, and I can't even trust most of them to be good references when push comes to shove. And the only girl I ever truly cared for and still sadly do? She had apologized to me long ago for suddenly becoming so silent, then she never really spoke to me again after her speech. She hasn't contacted me even once in so many months, not through the phone and not through e-mail, not even to check up if I found a goddam job or if I'm alright, even after she told me that she would. It will be hard to forget her, and it'll be so damn difficult to forget the last three years of my goddam life. But it's something I have to do, it's something I need to accomplish. I want to go back to school because nothing has gone right since I goddam left. I don't like what I do, I don't enjoy what my life has become. I want a second chance and I want to believe in myself...

It's been a long time coming, but I honestly am excited to return back to school. It's not just about the new people, it's not just about finally learning the aspects of business that I've always had an interest in. It's also about redemption, it's also about trying to fix the mistakes that I made in the past. I will always regret being so passive in my academic life, I will always have remorse for not giving a damn about all the courses in engineering that I couldn't goddam stand for. Now of course, I can't say that I will be a perfect student this time around, I can't argue that I'll become a social butterfly and suddenly make a bunch of new friends, and I can't honestly allow myself to believe that this will be the guaranteed time and place where I will finally find the kind of woman that maybe I can fall in love with for real this time...

But I can at least say that I'll feel like I'm moving forward in my life again. I can at least say, this second chance will finally allow me to leave behind all the goddam humiliations I've made in the distant past. I want to do this, I want to achieve this, I honestly do. I've been dreaming of returning to school for a very long time now, and I finally have both the reason and the courage to do so. I guess, wish me luck...

Afterall, it's not over yet. I still haven't been accepted to the school, and I still don't know if business accounting is right for me...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... well, better than being stuck in neutral for three hundred fucking bucks, at least...