Protocol Droids May Make the Millenium Falcon Faster, but they don't do sqwat for birds.

Just to clear something up here: the more protocols you have installed in your network panel thingy, the less efficient your chest would be. To speed stuff up, make sure you only install the crap you need. You need the Client for Microsoft Networks usually, a Network card driver, TCP/IP, File and Printer Sharing enabled, and which gamer would go without that IPX thingy at the back of your throat? Try to keep away from Netbeui or the Microsoft Family Logon, because who would trust something called "Beui" to make your LAN faster? Those two just chase the chicks away and slow you down like an obese turtle.

In the Client for Microsoft thingy (we hated the Agents in the Matrix; why can't we hate these agents too?), make sure that if you have a Win9x network, you turn off that Logon to WinNT thingy because it'll just mess with your computer's head like Viagra does to piglettes. And just make sure you try to use that Quick Logon thingy, or else your boot up time will be slower than a guy with 3 broken legs. Just make sure you can use it before sueing me; I have no cash so if your network dies, blame the North Pole or something. I heard Santa's pretty Satan this time of year...

Um, my Ethernet Adaptor has something called "Properties", & I dunno Morse Code...

That's not all you don't know then. Then again, what the hell is a "properties"?... Well, since I don't have a LAN to try this out, I'll have to trust Tweak3d for the following settings. It's probably better to just visit their website and click on their banners to keep them going, but hey, if you're lazy like me, try these settings in the binding tab:

Coalesce Buffers - Say what? Um, Tweak3d recommends this should be an 8 but I just say run...

Duplex Mode - okay, at least I know what this one is for; Full Duplex is a thingy on your Sound Card that allows sound to be outputted at the same time as input; most cards use Full Duplex so keep this at, uh, Full Duplex unless you wanna make sure and go for the slower Auto setting, but what fun would that be?

Ethernet ID - okay... me have no clue why we can't just give the Ethernet a stamp and send it on its way, but it's recommended to keep this as a 0 setting

Map Registers - okay, once again I have no won.net clue what this does, but since its recommended setting is 64, I'm going to like it simply because it uses a number less than 6

Receive Frame Buffers - okay, this is a buffer so usually, the bigger, the fatter, then the juicier... I didn't mean to touch her there!... oops, sorry, wrong person's memories... Well, Tweak3d recommends to keep this at 32 so be a good doggy and swim the sea

Speed - if you've got a 10MB/s Network, choose 100MB/s here... wait, that can't be right... well, most people will pick auto because they usually have 10/100MB networks, but I say go for the highest you can, or else you may not fall as m,uch as you'd like...

Transmit Control Blocks - God, I feel stupid now. Each and every one of these little settings is like a frigging hard 2 digit addition problem to me... I can't handle the stress! 1 + 1 is not 2, 1 + 1 is not 2... Anyhew, keep the control blocks at 32 because, um, 32 looks nice this time of year, she said...

Okay, now that we're done with the Ethernet driver, I have to tell you about the TCP/IP...

Vhat did you say? There's actually more crap to this, uh, crap LANy stuff? O geez, now I know how a goldfish with a dislocated brain feels like... Okay, let's start it out with a TCP Properties bang and get it over with quick. I don't like to suffer for more than a few hours at a time... well, most of the time I don't... As I probably stated in the Internet tweak guide, try to disable the WINS and DNS stuff unless your network gets screwed over by it; remember, the key here is to keep their bodies at a bare minumum. Now, here's a real neato trick from Tweak3d: it turns out that the more 125s you have in your IP addresses, the faster the TCP goes... okay, Microsoft sure has a weird sense of humour... then again, lots of people seemed to like Ace Ventura so who am I to judge? When you select an IP for your LAN, try to get an address like 125.125.125.something and um, I have no clue why, but go ahead and check on most internet servers and they try to do the same. I say if it's faster, screw security. Why bother with securing your network from someone finding your IP, when all the files on your computer will die from overclocking anyways? If you have more than 256 computers on your LAN, get an IP like 125.125.something.something because I guess 256 is too jealous of 125 to let it in one more time. Then Tweak3d talks about something called Subnets which I haven't exactly heard of before. If you've got less than 256 computers, use a Subnet IP like 255.255.255.0. If you've got more than 256, try 255.255.0.0. If you've got exactly 256 computers, then... um, I'd better get a new identity before you come after me, so... to be honest, I have no clue what I'm talking about. Serves you right.

I hate to break it to you, IvanF, but there's more properties in that IPX/SPX section...

Good God, no!... Is there no peace for me anywhere?... Uh, well, let's get on with it. As I always say, 'Bring it On'... that's usually my cue to run like a coward and bark like a tree, but I think I'll stick by my guns this time. Open up your IPS/SPX protocol properties and let's see what kind of bloodshed we've got. Before we start, I recommend turning NetBios off here because, um, it doesn't look like a Polar Bear and I heard that it only adds a bit of compatibility and loses a lot of LAN speed. Call it the MsWindows of, uh, Windows. Okay dokay, moving on...

Force Even Length Packets - don't let it be present, or else packets of length size will start forcing at your even...

Frame Type - um, I'm not sure about this one, so let's check the Tweak3d, which I would advertise more if I wasn't bitter that their page was IE only... for the best speed, they recommend you try setting the frame to Ethernet 802.3, but if that makes your computer smoke more than Grade Niners proving their worth in the back, put it back to auto (plug and play was the only good thing Microsoft made since DOS if you asked me... but you didn't, so, um, when can you ask me?)

Maximum Connections - okay, I just got back from taking a dump and my butt is real sore, so I won't kid around: keep this connection crap stuff at 16

Maximum Sockets - okay, now we're talking about sockets outside of Mobos... is it possible that the word "Maximum" could be used outside of LANs too?... Well, anyhew, keep this at 32 just to spite the Connection's 16

Network Address - I'm not even going to bother... well, Tweak3d says to keep it a zero so make sure you never let it get pissed at you again...

Source Routing - And yes, for the last time, me know me ain't funny! And although I pretend to know a lot about computers, I feel like I know about 1 bit as much as those braincase techies on forums do (can't they keep their overclocking bragging to private places so the wee people like me don't feel even more insecure about ourselves?); anyhew, the source routing is meant to stay at 16 Entry Cache, but since I can't test out which settings are the best, I advise you to take a leap of faith and just play with their dingalings yourself

Okay, we're out of the thick... let's talk about irrelevent stuff now, like security...

I just never understood why people care so much about their computer's files. So what if you've got your bank account and stock accounts on your computer? So what if you've got 20 years of personal scientific research on your c:\ drive with no working backups in sight? So what if you've stashed your Credit Card numbers and pics of you in porno films on your hard drive? At least you don't have anything important like a pillow on it, or anything that a 6-year with a 2kb crack couldn't get into anyhew. Well, if you want to feel safe from the everyday, thinks-they-know-it-all-but-really-is-as-stupid-as-I-am hacker, don't enable File and print sharing. Besides, why bother letting people see your panties when all you want to do is frag them for 12 hours straight anyhew? When setting up your identification thingy, make sure everyone is on the same workgroup, which not only makes things simpler to use but may always give you that extra 1fps that you're dying for, literally, in Quake Arena or something. For Access Control, choose Share-Level Access Control unless you want every computer to connect to the Net. This will allow you to give every folder password protection or something, but since I'm starting to feel my brain move to my lower back, I'm not exactly sure right about now... And just make sure you set all your folders to be read-only on the network. Don't forget about this, or else the kid in the room with the screwdriver won't be the only thing you'll have to worry about.

Last Pearls of Wisdom from the Guy who has Pearls in his Legs

I don't really write the weird stuff on that I write on these pages. Myself does... alright, mooing on... I just want to tell all you LAN people (yes, I'm talking to you, Victor...) that if you've got money unlike me, buy a switch hub and not a regular one. They run a little faster and only cost a mere twice as much as the regular, which is nothing compared to thpse freaks on the net who buy a new computer every 6 months or so in hope to grow horns. If you've got 2 computers, just use a switch cable for games because it'll run a lot faster than a LAN. I use a null modem cable through my 8-pin serial ports and this really sucks for lag, but hey, it didn't cost me more than 5 bucks so I'm happy pappy 2, the sequel. For some more hardcore tweaks, visit my Advanced Win9x tweak guide. There's a whole bunch of reg tweaks there that should be here, and I'm too lazy to cut and paste them, uh, here.

Well, this was an interesting little segment. I have no clue what I was talking about; yup, just like every other page on this web-site. Very interesting... Well, my sister finally came home for a week this summer and I learned about how my little LAN I set up for her fared in battle: it blew apart her Office 2000 dlls and screwed up the existing NIC cards on everyone else's computers... heh heh, my work here is done...