Y2kk Update: You know what's really bugging me the most about my untimely dismissal? Well, besides the fact that the timing was so fucking wrong for me in the first place?...

I had something like five or six sick days still lined up from my fucking job. And considering I was on contract with no paid sick days given to me by default, each and every one of those sick days was earned by me from a whole bloody month of absolutely perfect attendance. The only way I could earn a sick day on my goddam contract, was to make sure that I was at work bright and early every single fucking morning that the office was open...

And you know what's most sickening? After all that effort I put in to waking up in the goddam mornings, something which I never ever bothered to do even with university (not even for exams)? Well, I still don't get my motherfucking sick days back as retroactively paid salary or any crap like that. Instead, they're just going to disappear from the database, as if I never put my 110% and two fucking cents into getting into the office by 8:30 am every single fucking morning of almost the entire past year...

I did use up one of my sick days at least though. At least, that's one day of my life that I got back out of it all...

I had decided on using this sick day long before I was told that my contract wasn't renewed, that is. It just so happened that the date I decided to use my sick day on, coincided with my final week at work, that is...

Nice timing? Perhaps...

...

Ah, yes. My design project's design fair for my thesis project at university. What are the odds?...

Now that's the shit that I alluded to earlier in past updates, of the fucking project I've been working on night and day for the past two or something weeks, to be honest... I would wake up at 7 am right on time for work every morning, leave work around 6 pm or whenever is most convenient, then scoot on down to school where I would do shit programming for my design fair project all the way past midnight, every single night...

And it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

Well, last Tuesday was the date of my design fair. And no, my project wasn't even close to being done. It was the kind of thesis crap that you really do need to spend months on in order to get even some of the objectives we had in mind completed... Of course, considering the part of our mark where we actually do need to get the project technically 'working' was only worth 5-10% of our final grade? Naturally, we didn't give a shit about it at all until about two or three weeks ago, when it was already too fucking late to finish anything by the deadline...

I suppose the design fair itself went pretty damn fairly in the end. I mean, I made a complete ass of myself in front of some of the third years, as I ended up joking about our project in ways that eventually did start to embarrass my group partners. Of course, that's when they put on their suits (they were grossly overdressed, considering half of the participants at the fair were in fucking jeans this year...), and made me straighten my back in order to present in the proper way that they'd expect from such a supposedly-respected gala...

... hmm... I for one felt like I was back at a seventh grade science fair, but maybe that was just me...

Deja vu, though. Because our project didn't really work just like the good ol' days, you know? Not only were there the usual bugs (I forgot about a certain memory leak to patch for instance, in which one aspect of the program would cease to work after five or so minutes of constant cool runnings...), but the environment of the design fair was just hell for our web camera in the end...

Not only did that nasty piece of shit keep on readjusting and auto-refocusing on us, causing our Matlab threshold values to constantly keep changing on the fly? But since our project is only meant to handle one or two people in view of the camera, looking at the screen at once? Having dozens of people in the background of the fucking design fair, certainly didn't help things out one damn bit in the end...

The oddest damn thing though was, as soon as the professor or administrator or whatever came over to mark our project? Almost as if he had cut a swath with his hand and parted the red sea, every fucking student just left and disappeared behind him. When you add in the fact that just that very morning, I had added in extra filters to get rid of from the field of view any faces more than four feet from the camera, and that now the professor was therefore the only one in the webcam's line of sight?...

Well, suffice to say, out of all people for the project to work for? Thank God it worked perfectly for the professor...

I mean, every fucking thing he tried with our motion detection and face recognition seemed to work perfectly. It calculated his depth from the camera near flawlessly, it triangulated his lateral and vertical movements down to a T, and it even registered a few debugger marks at least whenever he even moved his eye-pupils, raised a Rocky eyebrow, or changed the direction of his face. Hell, it was acting more accurate for him than it ever goddam did for me or my group partners, and yet we had earlier that day calibrated the face detection for the hue of our own goddam faces alone...

Who would've thunk? Sometimes, you just get lucky...

I don't know if the professor was impressed with what we achieved, considering it looked and acted and actually was all programmed within the span of two fucking weeks (all-nighters or not). But we sort of lucked out in the fact that he was an electrical engineer, not a computer professor, and that he only asked us questions about the hardware side of things (in which we essentially had nothing, considering we were all software engineers)...

Sure, I fucked up on my short little presentation to him, about what I did and what challenges we faced and solved (in which I sadly enough, ran out of things to say and just cut to my partner to continue with the song and dance...). But besides my obvious embarrassment? I think we did alright, as my partners really gave a voice to our project in terms of what we had done versus what we had hoped to do. And the professor, the old fogie that he is, even made a comment about how he even dreamed of technology such as what we had just created, way back when he was a kid in the 50's... if such a thing can be taken as a compliment, that is...

Where the fuck are my flying cars, goddammit?...

... and, yeah... That's when he went into his whole spiel about engineering in the old days, uphill and downhill, both ways in the snow back then...

We just nodded in approval, as any time that you can let the seventy year old professor do the talking while getting graded? Then you fucking damn well shut up and let him do the talking...

Overall? Except for my own flaccid and dysfunctional presentation, where my teammates had to perk and perch me back up, I was most pleased with our performance. The design fair had always been the pussy pedestal, or at least the fucking burden on my shoulders ever since day one when I had first entered university and thought about what I needed to achieve, to fucking finish through one of the top engineering schools in the entire goddam continent...

And now that that weight has finally been lifted from my extremities in one big giant release? Then, well...

... at least now?... I can finally breathe a heavy sigh of fucking relief...

Not bad for a fucking sick day, eh? No doot aboot it...

... but I for one at least, would've preferred to use it on fucking sex...

...

Well, one down at least. But I still had five or six fucking sick days left to go, and they're all going to go to waste now...

What the fuck was the point of earning them then? My fucking union hasn't done shit for me, no matter how much I've literally paid my dues...

From work, at least my manager was kind enough to write for me a letter of recommendation. And like I mentioned in a prior update? A lot of people in the office not only offered me lunch, but offered me their names and numbers as references for my resume as well...

... well, no number from the hot bitch that hired me in the first place, but meh... a flimsy and fake handshake, yes, but meh...

... at least that's still something... at least her hand sort of felt like a tit, but I digress...

At least I got a year's worth of experience, right? Or almost a year's worth of experience out of it all...

Not only was that more than I was probably ever hoping for when I joined the branch as a summer student in the first place? But now I have more than twenty thousand dollars just sitting and sort of shitting in the bank, just in case I ever do need it for a rainy April Fool's day...

Now, of course I have my regrets about work. Obviously, the timing of my release was fucking awful, considering a) I'm not done school for the year yet (my 50+ page final report is still due), and thus I still need to waste money on travel to downtown Toronto, and b) I however did finish the vast bulk of my school work by my Tuesday of a Ferris Bueller's day off, so there really is no purpose for me to be unemployed to concentrate on fucking school right now... I could've used that courtesy two or three fucking weeks ago, thank you very much...

And obviously, I was still fucking hoping before my time was up? To just bend the fucking hiring-hottie there at work over the fucking photocopier there, and made sure that I would light up her buttons on the fucking machine...

God, I had so many dreams. Oh, the things I would do to her tight ass cheeks and adorable little face...

Hell, I would've been her fax machine, and she would've been my printer. And she would be making ink-wet, dripping copies all night long...

... but alas, that's a sad story with no satisfying conclusion for an MSN update one of these days...

Until then though? Well, I'll just still be here, bitter and virgin as always, applying to fucking jobs in the goddam background...

And I'll just keep on enjoying my weeks' worth of fucking payless sick days here...

... sick days that I never chose to have...

Great fucking timing...

... it's enough to make a man fucking sick...

Y2kk Update: Politics.

Good ol', political bullshit...

No matter where you go, no matter where you work, there it is...

You just can't avoid this bullshit, no matter which way you turn...

That's exactly what my supervisor warned me about the very first day that I met him.

He confided in me that just like with everywhere else, there was a hell of a lot of political bullshit in the office wherever you look...

He told me that he does his best to stay neutral, to never pick a side, to never get involved with that crap...

... and that quite simply put, it's probably for the best if I did the same...

Of course, by now every one of you two no-name readers out there realizes how badly I must've fucked up with the other summer students when I first started, considering I still haven't bothered to write about that shit on my websites...

But in that case at least? When it comes to those fucking assholes from way back last year? Why the fuck does it matter if I piss off a bunch of nobodies that were gone as soon as the summer was done and finally fucking over with?...

It was the seniors, the ones with seniority and priority and fucking pension plans, that I had to fucking watch my back for...

Fucking political pension plan bullshit...

...

The very last day that my supervisor still worked in the office for our branch, he warned me directly of who exactly to watch out for when it came to knocking me off. Because there were plenty of older, techie folks who had spent an entire fucking lifetime getting to the positions of where they are now, and they weren't going to let a punk kid like me just take their jobs without a goddam fight. And in the government, the guy with seniority always wins...

So did these old IT fogies really have a hand in my demise at work? As much as I know that they hated me, and as much as I knew that they wanted me out of the door, I sincerely doubt that they had anything really to do with my dismissal in the end. As powerful as they are in the organization in terms of collecting fucking paychecks without doing a damn thing to earn them, they really don't have any say. Everyone in the office, including the managers, absolutely hate these assholes for doing nothing on the job but complain how they're underappreciated. While unions refuse to let the old farts get fired, I sincerely doubt that any of them would actually have the manager's ears or voice of reason...

Suffice to say, the outdated bastards still tried to make my life a living hell, and sure as hell didn't sign for me any good-will, going-away cards at least...

It's more of my former attendance manager, the woman that I mentioned in yesterday's blog, that I'm more concerned about. I mean, I was definitely thrown off not by just the fact that she obviously knew about my contract not being renewed (long before I was able to tell her), but also from the fact that she didn't seem disappointed at all that I was leaving. If anything, she gave me fucking cause for concern that she had actually spoken against me behind my back, considering she was acting all fake as hell about how great of a guy I was and how I was irreplacable...

I had been warned by others that she couldn't be trusted, especially considering she's worked in the private sector for God knows how many years of her career before contemplating an easy road to retirement. The thing is, I just dismissed all those warnings and concerns as politics, considering this former manager of mine hadn't made many friends in the government with her ways of quickly stepping up the food chain...

The thing is, I thought that she had trusted me. And I really still don't see what she has to gain by dropping me like a rock...

Did she believe that the software I was designing for her was complete enough as is, and that she could gain even more power within the branch by taking over my work (maintenance wise for the automated employee reports, I mean)? She doesn't know how to program a computer worth a damn, but she made sure that I trained her like hell in how to keep the site running with all the user interfaces I designed for her at least. Was this what she had planned all along, for me to do the work and she takes all the glory?...

I doubt it, really. There's absolutely no guarantee that the software will still do exactly what they want it to do, once they start their usual round of new requirement changes for the software next month...

The thing is though, I wonder if she was thinking about this from a monetary-saving point of view, to get into the good graces of the Director? I mean, technically I came in as a summer student, and it's no damn coincidence the other week, that she even asked me if I was willing to come back as a fucking minimum-wage, summer student all fucking over again... Is that her plan? Either get me to come back for absolutely no money whatsoever, or replace me with another summer student willing to complete my work at just a fraction of my current contract's cost?...

That's one fucking thing that bugged me all fucking final week long. I mean, sure I know that returning to work as a summer student is technically getting my foot back through the door. But considering how demeaning it would be to essentially beg for my job back that way, why the fuck were all the management gurus telling me this exact same advice over and over and fucking over again, like a fucking broken record of a fucking broken promise?...

Do they actually expect me to come crawling back to my old position, taking a paycut from $25 to $7 an hour? Don't they realize I have some pride? That I kind of despise them for how they kicked me out of the door, and that, you know, I don't really want to see any of them ever again unless they actually offer me more money than I had before?...

Seriously, why the fuck would I want to work with these backstabbing assholes all over again? To work for these backstabbing assholes all over again, if I'm not even going to get any real money out of it at all? Fuck, the pay for being a summer student again wouldn't even offset my fucking increased travel costs to the downtown office anymore...

Of course, I guess I will never really know whether this former managerial bitch of mine was one of the culprits who shoved me out the door. But she definitely didn't act trustworthy, and she definitely did sound suspicious...

... of course, her guilt in the end was nothing in comparison to the Golem-like voices upstairs...

...

I don't think it comes as any shock that the director of the other branch that I worked for, vetoed my contract status just one week after she had personally interviewed everyone under her roof for opinions on the software I was working on. And the thing is, considering all the people who work in the government are old and completely outdated with their computer skills (if they have any computer skills in the first place)? Then of course they blamed the programmer and not themselves for every fucking human error that they make...

I do agree for the most part, that it's up to the developer to make every single software program as dummy-proof as possible. I completely agree, that the hallmark of a great programmer is to create the most fluid, intuitive, and error free user interface known to man... But seriously, when the project managers in the branch are blaming me and my programming abilities, for the times when they simply make personal typos about year dates and fucking money amounts into the database? Then how the fuck is that really fair?...

So yeah, I saw the list of complaints against me... it wasn't exactly pretty...

Programming is a thankless job. I knew it going in, and I sadly know it going out...

I'm still fucking bitter at that director, for forcing me to sit through a three hour goddam meeting the morning that she very well knew I'd be canned. She smiled at me, talked directly at me, asked me for my guidance, and gave me directives on a whole shitload of new additions and revisions to do to the software. She gave me and my coworker so many new requirements and objectives in that one meeting alone, that I was sure that both of us would be employed by the branch for a very long time, if only to get her newly articulated work done on the computers by the deadlines that she gave...

And then, of course, just a couple of hours later?...

... I then learned that she herself had voted to fucking kick me off the island...

WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

She conned me. She hustled me. She pretended like I was needed, like I was important, like I was there to stay. And then even after I had been told of the bad news, she still just smiled and waved at me... but never really spoke to me again, as if I never existed throughout my fucking last week on the job...

It's just that, she's hated by everyone in the fucking building for a reason, besides the obvious calamity of having no tact whatsoever. Because I mean, she absolutely has no clue about computers in this day and age, she thought that my coworker alone could do all the programming by himself (which he very well might be able to, but not in the standard working hours by her deadlines), and she believed all the complaints from her fucking minions about how damn crappy the software I produce really is...

She's a pens and paper pusher at best. She's an old bitch that absolutely hates everything she can't understand. Though at least I find comfort in knowing 100% where she stands...

... and I know 100%, that she stands against me... I guess I can deal with that, her brutal honest to God truth that is...

But just like I iterated yesterday, I'm still concerned about this other manager of mine. He's the one who took me out to lunch and a hardy chat on my last day, and I thank him for that. I shook his hand in earnest, even fully knowing that something was amiss for the way he was acting around me...

The thing is, he's having a political battle with that fucking clueless director. He's waiting for her to be canned, as she was even demoted from her previous regime down to our branch as punishment before. With all the complaints being lobbied against her by the entire office building, it was only a matter of time until she undoubtedly would be eliminated again. Forced retirement, anyone? And it was my manager that was hoping to be the one to replace her...

But while waiting in the meantime? He made it no secret how much he despised her, how much of a tool he thought her to be, and how damn much he was using his adoration for the software I was producing as a weapon to turn the others against her favour...

This manger was the founder of the customized software that I was working on. He may not understand computers, but he believes in the use of databases and standardized data over the director's fucking pen and paper shit any day of the week. And he's a most articulate man, otherwise my coworker and I wouldn't have gotten right nearly as many system requirements as we eventually ended up doing...

The thing is, like I've said before, maybe I was just the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time...

It was budgeting time for the next fiscal year. And considering I produced the financial software, I knew full well that there was plenty of money and space to hire (or retain) new workers in the new year...

The thing is, the bitch of a director decided that there was safety in numbers, and chose to use the money surplus on workers who would be on her side. Her side being the transfer payment, pens and paper side, the side of the financials that she has complete control over and that my manager in the branch had absolutely no say about...

So my manager was basically in a dilemma. Does he choose me to keep working for him, a guy who produces good software with steady deadline releases, but who never really picks his side in the political war? Or does he hire more financial project managers using his side of the surplus pot, to even out the numbers when it comes to facing down the director bitch in this fucking Westside Story of theirs?...

And considering he wasn't gaining any fucking popularity in the branch from the old and outdated others, when it comes to programmers like me forcing them all to input their data into the fucking databases?... then, well, the obvious becomes clear...

That's the impression I got when I talked to him last Monday. I didn't particularly feel that he had anything personal against me. It's just that, he went on far too much about justifying exactly why the branch needed to spend that money on more project managers that apparently he and he alone needed. He seemed far too apologetic about having to use the money on workers that he really feels are required, workers who are much more invaluable to him and his cause than I ever will be...

So, did he stab me in the back? I don't know, and perhaps will never know...

All I do know, is that his motto has and always will be basically that, "business is business"...

... no wonder he brought me to an Italian restaurant on my final day...

The Mafia kiss of death...

Et tu, Brutus?

...

And yeah, if I was in the tech sector or the private sector? I'd agree...

... business is business, as it's almost expected there to be released after a year's worth of goddam slave-work and service...

But I was in the fucking HR division of the government, goddammit. I actually thought my job was secure...

I may have been bored with my job? But the pay was good. And I felt safe...

... and that's kind of all I really wanted from a job... and I lost it, goddammit...

The thing is, in the political wars I was embroiled and embittered there with? I never really picked a side...

When it came to the old farts of techies? I could never be on their side, simply because I wasn't sixty fucking years old. Simply because I automatically had computer skills that they couldn't even fathom...

When it came to my managers? How could a programmer ever really side with the pure paper pushers who barely understand Microsoft Office as it is, let alone Visual Studios 2005 SQL web services? It's partially my fault for not explaining to them enough about just how difficult it is to produce solid, working software components in the end. And I guess it's partially their fault as well, for thinking I'd actually be desperate enough to come begging back to work for a goddam minimum wage job...

... as if I'd ever actually want to work for them again after all this bullshit, period...

And as for the other branch, where the true political warfare lies? Everyone picks a side there, and perhaps I did lean more towards that one gray area with the manager who actually believed in the software that I was creating?...

He didn't protect me though. I got the distinct damn impression that he didn't do one bloody hell thing to protect me at all...

... instead, just as should be expected?... he simply did all he could to save his own hide...

Can I blame him for that? No. Business is business, afterall...

... and ay, because as the Bard might say, therein lies the rub...

Because simply put? I am a man of loyalty. I am a man of trustworthiness... or at least, I try my hardest to be...

... those are the values that I have always sadly tried to uphold to the highest possible pedestal and priority in life...

Now, of course I expect this bullshit and backstabbing shit from some. From the usual suspects I mean, now that I can take...

But no matter where you go, no matter where you work?... well, there it is...

... you just can't avoid this crap, no matter who or where you turn to for guidance...

Good ol' political bullshit and apple pie...

... guidance often turns to genocide...

That's exactly what my supervisor warned me about the very first day that I met him...

... and the very last day I saw him, to be honest...

He's a much smarter man than I ever was, and probably ever will be...

... and that's exactly why he's still employed...

... while I'm simply here, writing and whining on this goddam webpage of mine...

Y2kk Update: Out of all the last weeks of work I've had in my short lived career? With this being the first and hopefully last one, I mean?...

Well, I guess I can't really complain...

... complain about a pity week, I mean...

Afterall, it always is nice to have everyone pat you on the shoulder for a job well done...

... before they boot you out of the door, that is...

I mean, I won't really get into the nitty gritty details of it all just yet here, but I really do feel betrayed by some of my elder coworkers in the office. There was this one woman who I always knew couldn't really be trusted, but I had thought she had started to know me and get to like me after I had spent nearly a year under her wing...

The thing is, the very Friday that I was told that I was to be released from the workplace? I caught her during a break outside of the office, and informed her of my unfortunate situation...

It was obvious right from the start that she had already known about what I was going to tell her. I mean, she feigned ignorance and pity for me far too obviously right after I had even begun to mention what had exactly transpired. I mean, it was just too damn blatantly obvious that she had discussed the details of my contract with the manager and the directors beforehand, as naturally she used to be one my lesser managers as well...

Obviously, she knew about the decision. And obviously, she was in on the decision... The thing that really got to me though that day, was that the way she was giving me those generic, cliche, pity "awwws" about me leaving? There was just something about her goddam acting performance, that just screamed to me that not only had she already been informed of what the directors had decided, but that she probably put in a bad word for me during the discussions as well...

I just got a bad vibe from her, like she had just stabbed me in the fucking back when my head was turned...

And sadly enough for me, I got that impression from a hell of a lot of the senior staff when push came to shove over the course of my final goddam week at work...

But hell's bells, at least faked pity is better than no pity, now ain't it?...

... well, at least I got something...

... something out of nothing...

...

There's really only one group of coworkers that I've come to trust at work, and that consists of pretty much the coworkers around my own age. Namely, the programmers that I've worked with, including the supervisor who I've previously cited as one of the few, true mentors that I owe a lot to in life...

As soon as I sent him an e-mail about my contract being left out to pasture? Instantly, that's when he gave me a ring on the phone, and immediately offered to take me out to lunch...

That lunch happened on Thursday. And while I do have complaints about the way I handled the meal, specifically and strategically about my own goddam manners or lack thereof (which I'll get into at a later Y2kk Update), I really have no complaints about the olive branch he extended to me...

Not only did he offer his name as a reference for me to use in interviews, not only was he willing to give my resume to his employers (even if those jobs available are currently way over my head of experience and expertise), but he even invited me to a .NET developer's conference afterwards. And there, he helped me make a few new contacts, a few new connections, and I got a couple of internal job postings out of it to apply for as well...

Now of course, I've had my fair share of complaints at work, I can tell you that. Namely, there's been a hell of a lot of the older folks who simply stare down at me with a disdainful eye, always terrified that young upstarts like me will kick them out of their lofty pension plans. I have never had the intention of actually replacing a senior employee, besides perhaps hoping that eventually they would retire by themselves or simply move on. I have never tried to be a threat to anyone at work, except that I actually do my job and get the job done. And apparently, that's enough to make quite a few enemies quake amongst the elderly and the perhaps soon to be departed (from work...)...

I wish that I had better relations with almost everyone my own age though. I thought I had some sort of rapport, with pretty much everyone besides that fucking worker bitch that I still haven't talked about on my MSN site... It irked the hell out of me though, that some of the people I knew just completely ignored me and phased me out in my final week at work. I guess that was to be expected, though I didn't expect it from some of the kinder (and perhaps cuter...) faces in the office...

But truth be told, I have also made some good friends while working where I was. While I made enemies of pretty much every fucking summer student last year, being the fucking cancer that led to that one anomaly of a year where we summer students apparently weren't a tightly knitted bunch (according to some), at least there was one amongst the crowd who kind of chose my side and still gives me kind words of comfort. And of course, I also owe a lot to my fellow coworkers, the ones who I work closely with on a daily basis. The ones who aren't ten or more years my senior, I mean...

It was nice, actually. On my final day at work, not only did one of my financial managers take me out to lunch, and shook my hand as if he had nothing at all to do with my departure (more on that later, as you guessed...), I was also taken out to coffee by my cubicle neighbours. I mean, I guess the three of us never really had talked that much to each other before, but it was nice to know that on my final day of work, I could finally break the ice...

It's always nice talking to others outside of the office. While some still stay a bit closed off, always thinking with politics in mind, others are a bit more free-willed. And as the no-name whiner, I just tend to find comfort in those who actually put their trust in me, you know?...

So yeah, it was just a coffee. But we had a good chat as well... I can't say that they made me feel better about my situation, despite all their usual cliche sayings of how I'm gonna be alright. But at least their efforts were not in vain, as a free drink always does manage to make the day feel a lot more smoother than it normally ever goes...

And hell, I even got some presents out of it all. I got chocolates and coffees and even inside jokes of posters from a bunch of people from around the office... I mean, sure there's always the requisite card you give to the kid leaving the job, as if they're sick and stuck on the death bed in the hospital or some crap like that. But hopefully it showed that perhaps I did make a few friends or at least a few allies there in the office place, when almost everyone that I talked to had something genuine and monetary to offer me as a goodbye...

My managers of course tried to do all the nice, political bullshit stuff for me as well. I've already mentioned how I was taken out to a nice lunch by the people upstairs, of which of course I did approve of, no matter the underlying politics involved. But it was also nice I suppose, how my immediate manager gave me some decent props in the unit meeting that we had. I didn't even think the group would bother to sign for me a going away card that day, but apparently I'm not that invisible afterall (well, I was to them afterwards at least, as almost none of them stopped by my cubicle to say goodbye)...

My coup d'etat, besides the final coffee with my cubicle coworkers that is, was one final gathering with the managers around their desks. Chocolate was served, as mentioned before, but I also got a decent gift card out of it as well... Now, I won't get into here the whole backstabbing thing that I still can't help but believe these people probably did to me in the end. I guess I'll never really know the truth, but at least I know that they totally didn't want to get rid of me. At least I know that it was probably nothing personal...

A gift card is a gift card. It means something, something out of nothing, even if it barely makes up for even one fucking hour's worth of salary for me... It at least shows me that if they did stab me in the back, my managers and all? Well, the free lunch at least shows that perhaps I'm not truly hated, and the free little going away presents prove that maybe I was just the wrong guy caught in the wrong place at the wrong time...

... it just feels so wrong though still, you know?...

...

Of course, none of that really matters, whether I was ousted for political reasons or not, since the end result is all the same...

I am now fucking unemployed...

Released from the fucking lazy-ass government...

... how is that even possible?... it's the fucking government...

... how fucking embarrassing is that?...

And I don't know, but I just somehow find the whole damn thing goddam ironic...

I mean, I've always called myself the noname "tweaker". In which my "TweakUI" site even has the fucking huge ass letters, "UI", written all over it...

Now, I'll lay it out for you. I was making almost fifty fucking grand a year from working for the government. Almost fifty fucking grand, from doing absolutely nothing there but pretending to be Superman with the whole computer programming bit and all...

But if the government won't actually give me my fucking money for the work I do? If they want to release me to free agency, to just sit on my ass at home?...

Then fuck, I'll just take my motherfucking money back through other goddam means...

I want my fucking paychecks, one way or another...

... Unemployment Insurance for the win...

Payback is a bitch...

... because political bullshit or not, a pity week or not?....

Bah, I'm still gonna tweak all the fucking UI out of those mothercanuckers that I can, just for good measure...

... something out of nothing... literally...

Y2kk Update: Yup, it's official.

My two week notice...

... now long past...

I'm officially an unemployed bum again...

I mean seriously, I got laid off by the Canadian Government?

What are the fucking chances?

How fucking embarrassing is that?...

... uggh...

I mean, going into that Friday two weeks ago, I already knew things would be bad. I just didn't think that they'd be that damn bad for work though, you know?...

It was deep into the shot clock when it came to my design project and design fair at university. The deadline I had was Tuesday, and my partners and I had pretty much been locked at school every single night from the moment I got out of work each evening, to well past midnight in the next morning. Then I would still have to commute back home when it was all said and done, and still wake up at 7 am in the fucking morning to get back to work on time...

Rinse and repeat all this bloody hell shit for more than five days straight? And then yeah, I was pretty damn tired of all this shit by Friday, fully knowing that I would have to go through it again even on the fucking weekend...

The thing is, I should've been clued in on just how unlucky of a day that Friday would be, as soon as I opened up my web browser in the morning and checked the Canadian Best Buy flyer for the upcoming week. I mean, I had waited God knows how many months for Stargate SG-1 Season 8 to finally arrive back at my local Best Buy stores since my goddam sister got me a BB gift card, and yet the fucking boxset never would come in... Three or four fucking weeks ago, I finally caved in and gave up on waiting for the goddam season set to be restocked on Best Buy shelves. So instead of using my goddam gift card, I went over to Walmart and just bought the fucking boxset from them instead...

But of course, on that fateful Friday morning of mine?...

After checking the flyer, not only had all Best Buys finally restocked their fucking Stargate S8 sets in stores?...

BUT THEY WERE NOW FUCKING SELLING THEM AT HALF FUCKING PRICE?!?

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!...

... uggh...

Bad day? Yeah, I think so...

I just didn't know how bad...

...

Okay, so I knew that I had been fucked over by Best Buy and my DVD purchases, I knew I would be fucking stuck at school until 1 am that Friday night or whatever sort of crap, and I even knew that day that I would be stuck at work until well past 6 pm (even though I had gotten into work at 8:30 am like usual). I knew I had to put in overtime that night, simply because there would be a big-ass roll-out of some of the financial software that I've been working on for the branch over the past couple of months. It required substantial changes to the backend server of the accounting database, so it would only be safe to roll the changes out once everyone in the branch was fucking gone home for the weekend. Meaning, I could finally actually start up the shit after and only after five fucking pm...

This was an important milestone for the software. As far as I was concerned, the branches and ministry that I work for needed me, to ensure this software shit would work well until at least the end of the fiscal year. And fuck, I was giving overtime on a fucking Friday night just to ensure that everything did run smoothly according to plan...

... and ay, there lies the rub... and the fucking goddam irony of it all...

Sometime in the afternoon, after I had given up my lunch break to help somebody out with their computer issues (might I add), just when I was about to finally head out for a snack and a break? My manager asks me into his office following a meeting and shit like that...

Now, the other developer / programmer that I work with? He's a cool guy, so I only applauded him that morning when apparently he just got his contract extended by the branch. He didn't get a raise or anything, and he didn't even get a full time contract, but at least he got to stick around a ministry that had oodles and oodles of surplus cash to spend... which bodes well for his future here and there, at least...

That very morning, he and I had been locked into a meeting with the director and some of her lackeys. And that very said morning, the fucking director from that fucking financial branch I work with, specifically looked and spoke directly to me whenever she was addressing software concerns for the future... That very same morning, she had given me and my coworker a whole fucking host of new responsibilities and requirements to develop into the system. Now, sure one single programmer could input it all, but you really needed two at the minimum if you wanted to get all her previous fucking system requirements done as well by the end of the fiscal year...

She seemed to make it clear, with all her little speeches and eye contact bullshit crap, that both of us programmers would be needed in the near future. And immediately after the meeting? That's exactly when, with a smile on her face, she brought my coworker privately into her office and extended his contract for him...

And the thing is, if the branch found him to be important enough to retain, then surely they'd at least extend my own contract as well, right?...

Or at least, that's the impression I got when I was fucking finally asked into my own manager's office...

Fuck...

And there? Then and there, that's when he told me that I simply wasn't needed in the fucking branch any longer...

Wait, hold on a sec...

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?

Let me get this straight...

Now, I honestly can't say I worked my ass off or anything, considering this is a) the government we're talking about, and b) this is me, IvanF, the lazy ass that we're also talking about here. But I have nevertheless always been able to meet the deadlines specified by my employers, always produced working software (that is mostly bug free), and was releasing a fucking huge software roll-out that very same afternoon during fucking overtime hours without any extra pay, might I add and which I had stressed...

And this is when they choose to fire me?...

What the fuck?!?...

Short story short, my manger had asked the directors of the two branches that I work for, whether my services were needed or not. And a short story even shorter, they both said no... It certainly didn't help that a) one of the directors had just came back into the ministry a month before and didn't even know my name, and b) the other director is a total fucking bitch. But I think I'll save my sleeve of bitching for another update, when I have enough time and space and fucking patience to actually cycle through the goddam politics I had to put up with...

Now, my manager is a good guy. But let's face facts - he's a fucking pussy, and he simply didn't have any of the guts needed to stand up for me. I understand that I don't have seniority or anything, but really, even he must've known that it's simply asinine to keep getting rid of young employees like me, while people past the mandatory age of retirement are still being paid the big bucks to somehow manage the fucking high level programming skills now required in the goddam branch...

I mean, seniority or not, they choose to kick a 23 year old out of the branch in favour of gray hairs? WTF?...

What the fuck is this? Who the fuck am I really working for? The Toronto fucking Maple Leafs? WTF?...

I got fucking released by the fucking government. How fucking embarrassing is that?...

Yeah. Bad day...

...

So yeah, I was told to basically pack my things, as I only had one more fucking week before my contract would expire. The details of which, I'll explain in a later download update or some crap like that...

Now, the official reason why I was let go of, was simply because of "fiscal budget constraints" or some bullshit like that. And while I do realize that adding an extra FTE (full time employee) or whatever to the books right at the end of the fiscal year does not look good, it simply made me shake my head at just how ignorant and patsy my employers must've made me out to be to tell me this shit to my face...

Because, hmm... let me see here...

Not only do I make the software that handles the fucking financials for the fucking branches...

Not only did I produce the software that fucking calculates the huge honkin' surplus that my managers have this fiscal year...

But I also fucking produce the software and reports, that fucking tell us how many fucking FTEs that the ministry can still goddam hire...

And last time I checked? There was still plenty of room for the fucking programmer who let them know they had a fucking monetary surplus and the fucking employee space left in the first place...

I'd consider it ironic if I had actually produced reports that basically outlined that there was no money for me, or simply no room for me in the employee database according to the FTE limits or some crap like that. It would've been ironic, to have basically produced software that told my employers to kick me the fuck out...

... but I didn't produce that shit...

... that ain't what the software said...

... and I sure as hell ain't laughing...

Because for my own manager to tell me directly to my face, that despite all that I knew, he still claimed that there simply was no way to keep me on at the end of the fiscal year due to "constraints"? Well, I'm sorry, but that's just plain bullshit...

... but I'll get into the real reasons why I was let go of at a later date...

Though suffice to say, I was not wanted there any longer...

... or at least, the directors considered me expendable... almost as if I was a placeball in a goddam private company or some shit like that...

So yeah, what the fuck was I going to do? I had been just handed my first ever pink slip, and yet I had still promised to fucking stay behind at work that day to pull off the goddam software roll-out on scheduled plan. And since I'm not a fucking asshole, I went through with my promise anyhew...

... and encountered a fucking nasty bug in the software shortly after, which due to my good willed nature, I stayed at work until well past seven fucking pm to actually goddam fix for them...

Why did I do this, fully knowing that a) I'd never be paid for this shit, and b) that it won't help me further my career there in the branch whatsoever?...

Well, because for the most part? I am officially a nice guy...

... and we all know the saying, about what happens to nice guys...

Hint: they don't get hot bitches to suck their cocks...

...

And yeah, after that? Not only had I been stuck at work from 8:30 am to 7:30 pm, with no lunch break in-between that day? Not only was I fucking stuck at school that night, from 8 pm to 1 pm as usual? And not only was I fucking just released from work and sent barreling and tumbling back into the roaring, fucking world of resumes and interviews that I so fucking loathed with a goddam passion beforehand?...

But also, apparently? That same night, the Toronto Raptors played one of their best fucking games of the entire mediocre season against the Milwaukee Bucks, with Chris Bosh scoring sixteen fucking points in the fourth quarter alone...

... and I fucking missed it...

.... I fucking missed it all...

Fucking Fever Pitch bullshit bitch...

... without unfortunately the requisite breast fondling and dirty whore sex, of course...

And oh, did I mention that thanks to being at school for seven straight days and seven straight nights, I was finally starting to feel the first fucking onslaughts of the goddam flu as well?...

... yeah, I thought so...

Because it's official...

... I got my two week notice...

... it was my two week notice...

And it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... well, not that Friday, at least...

... because I sure as hell ain't laughing...

Yeah. Bad day...

Y2kk Update: Well, I got my two weeks...

Problem is, did I get my two weeks renewal?...

... or simply my two weeks notice?...

Hell, if you had asked me about a week ago, I wouldn't even have known that my contract at work was ending yesterday. I thought I had until the end of the bloody hell ides of March, so I guess I was just fucking lucky that I chose to talk with my manager about this stuff last Friday...

Suffice to say, I've been a bit worried. Now, while I would absolutely love some time off from work just to get my shit in gear, both in terms of school work and to fucking rest my laurels (not to mention to rest my ass from sheer tiredness)?... Well, the thing is, it's a very important time at work, the end of the fiscal year, really. While you will probably never get me to actually admit my work is critical or important or even dear to my heart, I will admit that if there was any time when financial software had to be completed and maintained? It would be right now, which is exactly what I intend to do...

So, my manager gave me the most he could on such short notice. He gave me two more weeks, extending my contract until one week before the end of March. That was the most he could do without his own boss' approval, or the approval of the branch really, and I thank him for giving me the chance to finish what I started essentially...

The thing is, I'm seriously questioning whether to start looking for other jobs right now. I would've preferred to deal with this shit after I finished my fucking fourth and final year of university, but that wouldn't exactly be very good for me if I no longer have a job at the end. Right now, as an unclassified employee, I have special access to a host of internal jobs within the government that I work in, access which I'd lose if I lost my job. Sure, I technically wouldn't want to start with this interviewing shit right now at such a pivotal and final stage of my school design project, but do I really have a choice?...

I still expect to be given another contract or some shit like that at work, simply because they have no other technical programming guys there to pick up the slack. The difference is, if they give me full time, I'll be content there for a year or so before even beginning to look for another job. Difference is, if they simply gave me another contract, I'd start the job search as soon as my school is done... Besides, I've been working for the my branch for almost a year now. If I don't deserve full time benefits by now, then I guess this ain't the place for me to be...

Of course, there's another reason why I've been thinking about rejoining the free agency market. It's simply that, as more and more months go by? I just keep feeling more and more disconnected from the place, simply because I'm not the nice and social kind of person to be working in a HR environment...

I mean, I'm still kicking myself for what happened two days ago. I had met with my manager to talk about my contract situation the morning before I had a big meeting on another floor. And when I got back from that meeting, I was tired and didn't actually expect that my manager would show up at my cubicle door...

I was on the phone at the time. I was chatting with my friend about my homework and whatever else sort of crap, since we're design partners. And since we share an email address for the project itself, I was essentially on Gmail too at the same time when it came to my computer at work...

The thing is, my manager is pretty much as quiet as a cat. And thanks to fucking Murphy's Law, not only do my computer programs magically cease to work as soon as he's there to watch any of them in action? But it always seems that he comes into my cubicle every fucking one of those times when I'm browsing the fucking internet as well...

So let me get this straight. When my manager was coming to me to talk about my contract, not only was I on the fucking phone with a friend, not only was I surfing the net for web based e-mail, but I also had no fucking clue how long he was standing there at my entrance-way? What the fuck is wrong with me?...

Like I said, he's quiet as a fucking cat, and for all I know? Until I saw him in the corner of my eye, I have no fucking clue how long he was just standing there, waiting for me to shut up on the goddam phone... I've seen him literally wait like five minutes before saying anything to another person who didn't know he was there. How long was he fucking there for me?...

And after I hung up, that's when he broke the news to me... that he had gone out of his way to extend my contract for two more weeks...

... oops...

And to make matters worse? While I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, I didn't shake his hand... I knew I should've shaken his hand, but I didn't. Some part of me kept my arm retracted, even though my brain knew better. And I simply thanked him again before he left without ever once extending my hand, as obviously he seemed quite a bit regretful of the executive decision he had made on my behalf...

I don't know why I acted as I did. I know I felt a bit scared since he had caught me basically goofing off at work (well, technically not so much, considering we are allowed two fifteen minute breaks at work each day...). But I always just seem to freeze up whenever it comes to managers, supervisors, and bosses... I just don't have the guts or courage to stand proud against anyone but wussy ass nerds such as myself...

So do I belong there? Do I belong where I am, at least for the immediate future? Who the fuck knows?...

All I do know, is that either I just got my two week extension?...

... or I got my two weeks, goddam notice...

Pick your poison. And fuck the hot intern...

But I assume, we'll see in two weeks...

That's just my two cents, at least...

... in hope of earning a few cents more...

Y2kk Update: One ring to waste my money on...

... one ring to rule the last four fucking years of my goddam life...

But I finally got it. After whining and complaining and bitching that they wouldn't give it to me last year, I finally got it...

... my stupid motherfucking, Engineering iron ring, that is...

Hell, the thing ain't even made from iron. Supposedly, my stainless steel version was cut from some god-forsaken man-hole from an oil rig that sank off the coast back in '82...

Sounds more like an asshole if you ask me then... or if you too had taken one good look at any of the fucking engineering alumni at the iron ring ceremony that I attended, of course...

Now, the iron ring is truly a symbolic sort of piece of shit. It's literally just a hunk of metal, carved from a single block of ore or some shit like that, to remind us to never fuck up our engineering jobs as badly as the bastards who had built that '82 oil rig did... Of course, in reality, they probably pried mine from the cold dead fingers of an engineer so damn dumb he welded his hands onto a stainless steel pot. Bur whatever...

I mean, I worked four long fucking years for this ring, if not more thanks to this fifth quasi-year that I'm now stuck at university in. I've wanted this iron ring ever since I was a little child, you know... It was one of my goals in life. To get my father proud of me, to wear the fucking useless ring on my right pinky finger right in front of my family and bask in the glory of actually achieving something in life for once... something meaningful, you know?...

But ay, there lies the rub... because just like with everything else in my life? My sense of accomplishment just feels like a pile of shit instead...

The ceremony itself was pretty fucked up. I mean, you know that the lunatic who made this iron ring ceremony in the first place literally was just doing it as an engineering grad prank or some shit like that, as we newbie engineers literally had to hold a fucking chain of iron in our hands as we recited some fucking messed up Engineering Apostle's Creed, tugging away at some anvil parked at the altar of the room in the meantime... WTF?...

I swear to God, all the alumni at that ceremony probably laughed at how seriously all we undergraduates were taking the whole goddam ceremony... I'd be half expecting to see myself on America's Funniest Home Videos, if only cellphones or cameras were actually allowed into that ever prestigious University College room. And if only I were actually in America, that is...

Hell, besides all the cultist chants and dogmatic mantras that we had to oath? Something just felt like a Candid Camera joke of a moment with the whole goddam iron ring ceremony that day...

Seriously, something just struck me as ironically awful when the head of the table announced that this was the 81st anniversary of the first iron ring ceremony to take place at the University of Toronto. And considering Kobe Bryant had just recently rained down a torrent of hellfire and brimstone and a total of 81-fucking points on my precious Toronto Raptors? Something just told me, and something just made that whole damn iron-clad tugging affair of mine, seem like just one big fucking yank at our undergraduate chains in the end...

It was all so ridiculously dumbass looking. We were all in suits and business attire.. yet we were all facing and worshipping the century old rusted anvil at the forefront of the room as our forefather throughout the ceremony? WTF?...

Bah... still... I guess I should be thankful for what I do have... and I do have my fucking engineering iron ring... finally...

I still remember how left out I felt last year, when the goddam asshats in university rejected my plea for the iron ring that I fucking deserved to get... I mean, I still took pictures with the group who had suited up to get their rings. I completely felt out of place however, being in civies while everyone else looked like they were ready to move onto real and better things in life...

Now, I didn't feel left out last night. I just felt ridiculously dumbass and overdressed, that's all...

Dangerously overdressed, really...

As short story short?...

Suit up, IvanF.

My funeral black tie was legendary...

...

It's also kind of funny, that what actually felt like my real iron ring ceremony? Well, it actually took place when I was still at my fucking workplace that iron ring morning...

I mean, I had told my manager that I had to leave work early yesterday afternoon, to make it to my iron ring ceremony at 5 pm sharp. If I hadn't told my boss that a couple days before, nobody at work really would've been the wiser... except for the fact I would wear a fucking suit and tie to the office for once, that is...

During the morning of the actual ceremony day, I noticed that one of my unit coworkers had brought in a box that looked like it was for a cake. I asked her what it was for, and she just gave me a blank response, claiming she didn't know what I was talking about... Bah, I'm so dumbass. I just shrugged it off and actually thought that I had been seeing things. How naive can I possibly be?...

Well, they caught me off guard at work. I never really saw it coming... Who would've thunk that my coworkers would actually celebrate my iron ring ceremony day by buying a bunch of sweet ass pastries for us to enjoy in the morning? I guess I'll thank them big time for that, especially since I was starving like hell at the time...

... and a few freebies always make you feel better, after paying about thirty damn grand for a goddam iron ring essentially...

Now, I guess my work unit will celebrate any occasion, apparently. But still, it felt kinda nice to be appreciated in that way, to be in the spotlight if only for five minutes as I gave my little speech about the iron ring and the origins of how it came to be at U of fucking T... After my little anecdotes, I really had nothing to say or to do but to inhale my pastries and hope to God that I don't spit up on my fucking goddam suit. And I don't even know if I actually got that part of the equation right...

Still, to be honest? Besides maybe some good talks with fellow engineering friends later at night, I really do think that my little pastries get-together in the morning with coworkers was the highlight of my day, if not my week...

I know that it was all just a meaningless gathering, worth about as much in the end as I can pawn off my fucking iron ring at a shop for. But still, it was the first time that I was the lone star at work for once, and I do always seem to be the one craving attention in the end..

... I am the noname whiner afterall...

Not to mention the fact that the free pastries kicked all sorts of ass...

I guess I should suit up more often then.

That brunch was legendary...

...

Of course, all of this shit ass, rare as hell positive news comes off of what I considered to be a disastrous week at work... Well, it was a week where I did absolutely shit at work, which is a good thing. My main client for the time was sick so I couldn't really get any new programming requirements to do, and the branch that I work in was having a big meeting day with public speakers and shit like that too... so everyone was out of the office...

... the thing was though, I couldn't go...

Not that I really wanted to. But a day off of work, not to mention a free fucking lunch, is always good in my books...

But alas, as the rookie still in my squad? I was ordered to sit back and hold down the fort as cannon fodder... and fucking play second fiddle to the temp worker manning the receptionist booth up front...

So yeah, I spent most of my day just telling people over the phone to fuck off, and then by swearing countless expletives at my monitor as the men's Team Canada hockey team was fucking things up against goddam Russia... God, that was embarrassing...

Bad day? Yeah, I kinda think so...

But I did have to go to the actual meeting place for the branch conference at one point, simply because I had helped design some cheapass PowerPoint slides for my group's presentation and I was ordered to help run them. Now, I never did quite reveal to them that this was my first time ever using PowerPoint in my entire fucking life, but meh... I had pictures and slides fade in and fade out on cue, so who the fuck cares?...

The only real problem was with the midi music file we were using... The thing is, my branch's presentation included a sing-along part, with fucked up lyrics that make my iron ring Engineering Creed seem like fucking Shakespeare in comparison. And since the new lyrics had quite a few more verses than the original source music did, I was forced to loop the music in actual PowerPoint (rather than go through the effort of splicing together midi or MP3 music in editing software that neither I nor my work office simply had...)...

... and the problem was, the break in the music when the loop fucking happens?... was goddam atrocious at best...

So yeah, while I was manning the slides with my trigger thumb while the rest of my go-happy workers group was swallowing their pride up on stage, eventually the break in the music for the fucking loop happened... I had definitely warned the singers up there that it would occur, and that a slight pause for loading time would ensue. I just never realized beforehand how fucking obvious the sudden cut in silence would be on the fucking goddam loud-speakers in the conference hall, that's all...

This not only threw the entire singing crew off, but it also threw the entire fucking crowd (which had actually gotten into the whole sing-along lyrics thing up on the slides) into a whole fucking messed up tizzy as well.. And God, I could do nothing but slap myself silly in the fucking head at just how fucking goddam fugly I had fucked up the whole presentation, all thanks to having some real shit ass, missing music in the background... Where the fuck is a Muse when you need one? Where the fuck was my second fiddle?...

Fucking bah. Whatever...

At least thanks to having to come down to the meeting hall just to pull off the slides for the bored as hell crowd? I got to run away back to my fucking useless Team Canada whoring, with pretty much an entire tray full of fucking cakes and desserts that I had stolen from their lunch tables...

And garlic bread. Oh shit, don't forget the fucking garlic bread...

Genius.

My bad breath was legendary...

...

One last thing to note before I go and waste away the rest of my evening...

I went to the Canadian AutoShow in Toronto with some of my university friends from last year. It was my first AutoShow, and it wasn't a bad experience or anything... I was hoping to find a bunch of fucking hot chicks there, only to find whores who I wouldn't even touch with a ten foot pole, let alone a hot poker to, you know, poke her with...

Bah, nothing much happened at the AutoShow... it's just that, since my friends were Chinese?...

God, we Orientals are so damn cheap... we always want to get the most out of our fucking money, now don't we?...

There are only so many damn awful car designs that I can hurl at, before I literally get sick of the aerosoled new-car-smells. Yet my friends made us meet at the AutoShow entrance around 11 am, and we didn't leave the fucking place until eleven at night... That's twelve fucking hours of walking around, just staring at cars that we either didn't give a damn about, or vehicles that were too damn pricey for us to ever goddam afford. If it wasn't for dinner at Pickle Barrel in-between, my feet would've gone insane from all the fucking callouses that they got... and at how fucking callous I was at all the fucking ugly car designs there, of course...

... not to mention the fact that in a fit of irony, I got a fucking bloody papercut from a Canadian Military poster of all things... WTF?...

As for the walking and fucking drone marching, it got to the point where I was so fucking tired, I even started lying down in the fucking minivans at the show, just to get my energy back... And yet my friends still refused to leave, simply because they had paid good money to be there. And hell's bells, a true Chinese would never leave an amusement park before it closed at night, lest he not get the full value of his price of admission of course....

Hell, my friends were even hoping that the AutoShow stamps on our hand would be valid the next day of the AutoShow as well... Are they insane? How many fucking horrible Hondas, Acuras, and Toyotas can they froth at until they realize that all those fucking cars are made of the cheapest damn materials known to man?...

... well, almost as cheap as my goddam iron engineering ring, that is...

Hell, I wouldn't even be surprised if the fucking ugly Toyota Avalon we sat in was the remains of the oil rig that sank back in '82...

Now, I was hoping for some hottie booth babes at the AutoShow or some shit like that. And while they were there, I just can't believe how used and whorish they all looked, as you can almost taste the fucking STDS and botox injections on your tongue from just staring at all those T-shirts too fucking tight on their breasts... if such a thing was possible (and yet it was, somehow...)...

And at the iron ring ceremony yesterday, of course I had done the same thing. All the women there were dressed in their interview wear, and I couldn't help but stare, as quite a few of the chemical engineers in the room had done their hair for this shitty ass event as well...

Sadly, none of the girls were actually hot to me though. Either my standards have been raised, I've been neuteured and sterilized by work, or it just ain't Spring yet...

... or even sadly enough, I ain't a fucking teenager anymore...

I'm now officially a fucking goddam engineer, afterall...

... not like there's much difference between the two, mind you...

And all I have to show for it?... is this goddam AutoShow stamp on my hand...

... and a fucking goddam, iron ring...

And it all sounds like just so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

Well, maybe not 'fun'...

But with the suit and tie and iron chain?... well?...

... let's just say, it was legendary....

Y2kk Update: Well, I'll try to keep this update as brief as possible...

... pretty much just like I did for my two shitty ass presentations over the past two weeks...

Yeah, my design project's deadline season is now in full swing, and I suffered the first two casualties of it over the past two Thursdays. Both dates were formal presentation dates for me... the first being for the professors and administrators only, and the second to anyone who would bother to show up...

... nobody did, not that I'm complaining... except for the goddam people marking us, of course...

The first time we presented though? Well no, I didn't pull off one of my patented performances of actually improving the flow of my diatribes thanks to anxiety, as I often did back in high school and shit like that... Hell, wasn't it just last year for my Software Engineering course, that I actually did much better in my actual project presentation than I ever did in practices? Of course, that was perhaps because there was a fucking hot professor there watching me right in the stands, as fucking hot bitches always manage to calm the nerves...

... but alas, there were no hot fucking women in the stands this year... fuck...

... fucking goddam useless engineering...

And for my first presentation? I guess I didn't do too badly... I really fucked up on the Powerpoint slides though. I was so damn used to my old ways, of only having to click once to change slides, that I completely forgot to constantly keep clicking the fucking mouse button every time I made my way to a new fucking sentence or point... My partners had set up the whole presentation to be point by point by bulletpoint, I mean. Only parts of each slide would appear at a time, and I was simply thrown off by that shit since I had never actually tried that crap before...

So yeah, halfway through my presentation? I quickly glanced up to the fucking projector screen, and fucking saw that I was on the fucking wrong slide... by a fucking wide margin, mind you...

Of course, I panicked. I lost my train of focus, kind of just froze there, and stared at the projector screen for God knows how long until I wheel moused my way to the actual slide I was meant to be on... After that huge pause and a resequencing of nerves? I think I did alright from that point on. Problem was, the damage had already been done...

The first presentation wasn't worth much at all. Basically, it was just a dry run for the real shit coming the week later, where part of our mark would be graded on how much we actually take the professor's suggestions to heart and improve ourselves... and what exactly was his criticism of me?...

Well... at least, he never mentioned once that I was on the fucking wrong Powerpoint slide...

... he did complain however, that I had shut the fuck up as I just kept staring blankly at the screen... a valid complaint, mind you...

So when the real presentation came along this past Thursday? I made sure to memorize every single fucking time I had to click the fucking cordless mouse. I refused to embarrass myself in front of my peers and potentially the press yet again this week, and I became flawless in the whole of the presentation rehearsals during God knows how many times I practiced that day...

... problem was, there is such a thing as practicing too damn much...

I was fine for the first half of the goddam presentation. But ironically enough, even though my Powerpoint slides were exactly where they were meant to be?... Fuck, I still managed to flub and fuck over my lines as soon as I got to the same fucking part where I fucked up the week before. I mean, I had suddenly developed a taste for fucking cotton mouth this time around, and I simply couldn't fucking enunciate any fucking word that I tried to out of my goddam mouth...

I must've sounded like a retard, getting second place in the Special Olympics or some shit like that...

Sure, I recovered. But the damage had been done... as two weeks in a row, I had let my group down right in the middle of the fucking presentation...

The thing is, I only made things worse when the students in the audience started asking questions... My group partners were taking all the answers basically, and I felt obviously left out because they were getting marks for their aggressiveness while I was sure that the professor was marking me down as silent throughout the whole Q&A... Sure, I had managed to answer a couple of questions by that point in time, as simple as those inquisitions were. But percentage wise? Things didn't exactly look good for me when my two friends started spotlighting the floor as a bloody hell duet... and we were being marked individually to some extent, so...

So, for a question that I knew that I could barely answer? I don't know why I inclined my head and hand and heart and wrist to my partners so that I could tackle the question myself, but I still fucking did so before I could eveb fucking think up what the fuck I was going to say...

And once again, I fucked over myself and my group by going off on a tangent. Thankfully, my partners sort of cut me off before I had made a complete fool of myself. But not soon enough though, I'm afraid... Basically, I was answering all the questions that I had wished I had been able to answer before (yet remained passive and silent for), while kind of completely ignoring the question at hand that I was actually supposed to be goddam answering...

Sure, maybe my words can't really convey just how dumbass I looked out there. But rest assured, if this was my last real presentation for my school life ever? It was definitely not a good one... though I suppose it was definitely one that I will remember, for better or for worse really...

It just sucks that I had the whole presentation bit down in all my rehearsals, yet I simply choked when the real shit came knocking at the door... I know that I'm completely out of practice with presenting in front of people, considering I've had maybe a mere two or three other presentations in my entire university career. But still, I seriously had thought that maybe working at a real job would've improved my improv abilities on the spot somehow, you know?...

... 'fraid not... sucks to be me, I'm afraid...

And now? Now, I'll simply be reduced into just trying to save face by redeeming myself with the next paper for this design project course of mine, a bloody hell progress report due this Thursday that is... So I suppose, instead of writing this download update of mine that nobody will ever read? I should really just get cracking at that...

It still breaks my heart and puts me to shame, to know that I let my partners down though... I absolutely hate embarrassing myself in front of people, for God knows what reason. But even more so, I really do hate embarrassing people that I care about, which sadly enough is the status quo still around these parts...

Meaning what? Meaning, I guess I haven't changed much since high school in that bloody hell regard...

... I guess, some things just never change...

But bah. That's old news and new news...

... because it all just sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

Y2kk Update: Well, I just got back from my Chinese New Year festivities, the kind of which that has terrified me for years...

Now, the dragons are cool. Dragons are always fucking cool...

But the fucking Chinese lions that do all the fucking dancing?...

Fuck... they horrify me more than clowns ever have...

... they just keep on sending them in... fucking goddammit...

You know what they do, right? The lions, I mean...

They jiggle and prance and pounce around your zone like an oil baron predator, until you feed them your fucking money for good luck in the year. They're literally loan sharks holding you for ransom that way, bobbing their fucking fluttering eyes right in the mug of your face until you finally submit and fork over your hard earned cash... obviously, the more money you give, the more luck you're supposed to receive in the Chinese New Year...

My cousin actually had a decent joke, for perhaps the first time in God knows how long. I've always been fucking terrified of those fucking horseshit, lion shit dances, ever since I was small I recall... So tonight, my cousin started doing his own jig impression of me tonight, claiming that I'm going to be fucking mugged by one of these fucking lion things in an alleyway in the middle of the night...

And I dunno, just seeing a fat man like him bubble about to the beat of the lion dance war drums, imitating how I would be frantically checking left and right around the dark alleyways to the sound of the goddam music, until I got ransacked from a fucking lion up above?... Guess you had to be there. But meh, I laughed... whatever....

Where the fuck are my dragons when you need them?...

And yeah, my cousin was born in the same year as I was, so we're both going on to the age of 24 this year. And I guess most people know from Chinese buffets and shit like that, that your own fucking birth animal returns every twelve years or some shit like that...

Yeah, I'm from the year of the dog. You're in my house now, dawg...

I better have some fucking good luck this year, otherwise I'll be kicking ass and raising hell (or Helen). I mean, at least in 2005 I was able to get my first real job... Then again, I was paid fucking minimum wage for my goddam programming at first, got fucked over by a worker bee bitch in the meantime, and fucking couldn't complete university in four years time due to my design project partners bailing on me the year before...

The year of the dog is my fucking year, and I fucking expect better. I fucking hope that this is the year where I finally get my first secure, full time employee position. This will also be the year where ironically enough, two of my cousins, my brother and I are all graduating from fucking universities with degrees at once. And at least I'll finally get my fucking engineering iron ring, which is worth at least a pretty dime on the black market at least...

I hope my family situation improves this year, as my brother might get to return home for a while provided where his business work takes him. And my cousins are starting to settle down themselves, leaving more time to actually talk about shit other than their own friends, whom they've now essentially ditched in the past I'd wager...

The only real question is, what the fuck else does the year of the dog have in store for me? Will this finally be the year where I fucking get a fucking girlfriend, even though I basically got shut down by two and a half fucking women in the goddam past year?... although I ain't naming names or telling stories here, that's for sure...

The only real question is... will this be the year of the dawg?...

... or the year of the bitch?...

Will this please be the year where the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, or the Toronto Raptors win the NBA Championship?... Considering both teams are sucking ass right now, I seriously doubt that either of them will make the playoffs, let alone get past the first bloody hell round. But at least Canada still has the fucking Winter Olympics to bide our sweet ass time for a sweet ass victory...

I just wonder if I'll ever get that full time position that I've been gunning for at work. I mean, while things are still decently rosy at work, the weight of politics is sort of... well?... starting to weigh on me, or whatever...

I work for three separate factions now, although mainly only two. And the thing is, while the two departments pretty much get along with each other on the outside, they really do seem to hate each other whenever the other side leaves and all facades come off... Of course, the thing is, I have loyalties to both sides of the camp. And whenever I seem to do one a favour, the other side definitely doesn't seem happy that a) I'm now doing less for them, or b) that I'm now helping some person that they obviously can't stand...

I'm also having a few other problems at work... as naturally, the morning that I sleep through my alarm clock is the morning that I fucking have a fucking important meeting at 9 am sharp...

I guess in the end, there was nothing really to worry about that shit, considering I called in and got my coworker to kind of cover for me by claiming I was taking a crap or some shit like that... Still, out of all mornings to sleep the fuck in, why the fuck did I choose that morning?...

I normally wake up around 7:20 am, and make the 7:35 am bus for the 7:58 am GO train to Toronto. Thing is, even though I woke up from my fucking alarm that morning, as soon as I checked my clock? It was suddenly fucking 7:40 am, and I was fucked... Sure, I took the next available bus that arrived at 7:50 am, but that bus of course always misses the train that I needed by five mere fucking minutes. And thus, I was forced to take the next best trip to Toronto arriving at 8:15 am, which I knew would get me into the city at least ten minutes later than I had to be...

Well, my coworker covered for me, and another worker was late as well, so nobody was really the wiser when it came to my morning shit (or lack thereof, considering I didn't get to shit in the morning and thus endured a 9 am to 2 pm meeting as a constipated asshole, really). Still, it was a fucking close call, and I'm fucking lucky that I didn't doze off long enough in the morning to miss that backup bus that I did manage to just catch... Hell, I could've been late in the morning any other morning and just worked it off at night, so why the fuck did I happen to sleep in the one fucking morning where I had a fucking important meeting of all days?...

I'm just scared right now that I'll fuck myself over for my next important meeting in the morning as well...

... fucking lion dance, lyin' hearted scared, really...

Well, at least from now on, I'll make sure to check my surroundings in fucking alleyways to the fucking sound of war-drum music...

But until then? Until I cross that bridge?... well, is there really anything else to say here, but to wish you all?...

... a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, a God Bless Us, Everyone...

... and of course, a Happy Chinese New Year...

Afterall, it's my time. It's my time, dawg.

You're in my year now, bitch.