Y2kk Update: Speechless...

... now, I know I haven't had much to say over the past year or so... speechless, I have been...

... but there's another reason I've been quiet, about something that I've wanted to say for a long time yet never had the guts to try...

I guess it was for the best though, logically speaking that is. Considering how it all went down...

... but yes, as always, there was a girl I was chasing...

... more like a ghost, really, now that I think about it long and hard...

... long and hard, indeed...

The thing is, there's this girl I knew from high school, or elementary school really. I never really talked to her much back then, but only because I knew she was off-limits from me. She was my brother's crush at the time, and hell, she even admitted it in the year book that she had a thing too for him. How the fuck can I ever touch and take my brother's girl? Even if they never really did lay hands on each other, to be honest...

Of course, the fact that the two of them never did hook up pretty much began her whoring years. She started dating around that time, or at least that's when I first learned that she was on the goddam free market, with goddam eyes and legs spread wide fucking shut...

I talked to her a tiny bit back then; we always knew each other as acquaintances if not friends through my brother. And I always did have a thing for her, I do admit. She started dating a ton of guys back then, and Lord knows how many fucking FOBs she went out with in university. But yeah, I always had a thing for her, and that all started a long time ago, maybe even way back in elementary school when I first met her through my sibling and shit like that...

My brother lost contact with her in university, but I managed to keep in touch. Hell, we went to the same university, and not only did we often find each other on the long commutes, but we engaged in conversation whenever we met at the bookstore or other places like the coffee shop at chance and happenstance. Now, granted she was always in the arms of another man every time we saw each other, as she seemed to always treat men as just disposable income, really. She would swoon them, make them fall for her like slaves to the stars, waste all their fucking time and effort and cash on her feminine charms, and then she'd just simply discard them as if they meant nothing to her in the fucking first place...

I used to joke with my friends on the side that she must have had a list of back-up men stemming at least six hundred guys. And I was lucky number 574 on that list, don't you know...

Yeah, she probably knew I had a thing for her. The bigger issue was, did she have a thing for me? Whenever we talked, there was definitely some chemistry there. It was almost as if we were still in high school, knowing that we couldn't touch each other because of our shared friendship with my brother, even though now in university that should have no longer been an issue. I would always make time for her, and quite honestly, she always seemed elated to find the time to speak with me...

We shared a few moments here and there, though I'm not sure if she really cared for them or not in the end. She was always such a goddam flirt and tease with every guy she knew, that I just could never never tell whether she was just beguiling me or not. All I do know, is that my so-called friendship with her lasted longer than any relationship she ever had with a man, or any other real friendship she had with a guy that I know of to this day...

I just had that gut feeling though, you know, that maybe one day I would have the guts to ask her out. At times, I even found myself the courage to call her up and fucking ask the big question, only for her to show up the next day with a new fucking boy-toy on her shoulder in tow. She always had a new man, that was never in debate or question. There was never a good time to ask, and every time she did appear with a new guy to dispose, I was simply disgusted. I didn't want to become like those poor saps holding her hand for dear fucking life, no matter how much deep down inside that I wanted to become as damn goddam blind and irrationally dumbass as they all seemed to be...

She was a goddam flirt, and I knew she was playing me like a fiddle on some level. Because of my inner logic warning me about her as a goddam gold digger and man eater, I just never had the courage to ask her to anything more than a coffee. There was nothing ever more than that, as besides, there was always a third pillar of an asshole between the both of us...

... and so we lost contact...

... we never talked...

... she left for another country...

... and I stayed here in Canada...

A year passed until by just random coincidence, I once again ran into her on the train, quite literally actually (even if she didn't realize it at the station at first). I thought it was fate, really, as what are the chances of all this coming to fruition? She had just returned from Asia, and for a long time, since I didn't see a fucking new guy on her shoulder, I thought I was finally free to make my move...

... free?... yeah, fucking right...

... wrong decision, apparently...

Because yeah, we talked. We had coffee, we had lunch...

... and after all that time, I finally learned the truth...

She indeed had a boyfriend. A boyfriend back in Asia. I was shocked to hear this, to be honest, that she was actually being loyal and faithful to a cock that she wasn't even fucking and sucking at the time. He was a rich and ambition son of a bitch, and I got the impression that he had whipped her just as fucking hard as she had whipped any softass man here in North America. Because through all the years I had known her, she had been all about being showered with love and praise and fucking money straight to her face, though I am 100% certain that that is how this fucking FOB from Asia got her approval and hand in the first place...

But something was definitely different about this relationship this time around. She was holding out for him, a guy she had already dated for a year, a guy that she had left behind in another country. Was this love then? She always claimed it was. She used to spout the L-word to everyone around her back in university, whether it was her boyfriend or the damn guy or dame she was flirting with at the bar at the time. And yet here, I could see in her eyes, that she had finally found some meaning in the word. And on some level, I cared about her too much to ever ruin that or challenge her newfound faith in her feelings...

... suffice to say, I did not want to be the home-breaker...

... I did not want to be the other man...

But in all honesty? I really did believe it to all be a facade on her behalf, that she had somehow convinced herself that she was no longer the same old abuser of men that I've known since elementary school. So yeah, I still did ask her out for coffees, I still did accompany her out to lunches. I was careful never to make my move, to never jeopardize anything with her long-distance relationship if that fucking FOB really was the man she wanted all along. But yes, in truth, I was there as the fucking back-up man yet again, just hoping deep down inside that she would leave her boyfriend finally for the man that was right in front of her goddam fucking face after all these fucking years...

Then there was this one day, where we were walking back from the mall where we had shopped. It was just a casual Fall day, the Sun was shining and all that other shit was brimming off her face. And in all honesty, she positively glowed...

And I forget what gave me the fucking urge, I forget why exactly I felt the way I did, but...

... I just looked into her eyes, and I got the strongest damn sensation to just reach out and hold her in my arms...

Now, being the eternal wuss that I am, I held back and never really made a gesture but with my eyes. But perhaps that was all that was really needed, to be honest...

... I just got this strange vibe, this strange message back from the way she looked at me...

... that yes, she really did want me to hold her in my arms...

... she wanted me... she wanted me to hold her...

... but she knew better... she knew fucking better...

... and that's when she said, "goodbye", and simply left without waiting for my reply...

From that point on? Whenever I tried to talk with her, I never got a response. I asked her to coffees, I asked her to lunches, I tried to make small talk over e-mail and MSN Messenger, but nothing would ever get through. I was dead to her. She ignored me at all costs, and while I even did go to lengths to question her as to why, deep down inside I really did know the truth, whether she would tell it to my face or not...

... or at least, I think I know the truth...

She always had a thing for me, true, or at least that's what I've always believed. But no, I was never her man...

... she really had fallen in love with that man overseas... and I indeed was jeopardizing that love...

The other man...

... fuck, I was the other man...

... she couldn't let me be the other man...

... whether she actually wanted me, or just knew that I wanted her...

... either way, she just couldn't let me be the other man...

And so she faded...

... she simply goddam faded away...

... time simply passed...

Months and months went by, actually, without a single word or response from her, as to explaining just what the fuck had happened between the both of us...

... I'm still waiting for just one fucking word from her...

... if only she had let me down gently, if only she had told me to my face, then maybe I wouldn't be as fucking goddam pissed off as I still am right now...

But it took a trip to Facebook... it took a trip to her goddam portfolio on Facebook...

... to learn the truth of what had transpired...

She really did love that man from overseas, the rich business tycoon that stole her heart apparently, the same way she teased and tore out the hearts from so many goddam guys along her wake, my own fucking beating heart included...

I mean, after all that the two of us have been through, for the past fucking fifteen or so years of our lives together as friends?...

... I had to learn through Facebook... through fucking goddam Facebook?...

... that she had gotten engaged...

... that she had gotten fucking engaged...

But no, really, I should be happy for her. She finally found love...

... I just wish she told me all that to my fucking face, that's all...

Now, I know I'm really being emo here. I know I'm just plain embarrassing myself, almost to the point of parody...

... but she was kind of special to me, you know?... after all these years, I honestly thought we had a chance...

Now sure, we never ever went out on a date or anything. And I should've been smart and logical enough not to fucking fall for it all...

... but she shouldn't have strung me along with all those coffees and walks and goddam lunches...

... not if she actually did love the man she's now readying to marry...

Though perhaps it took that one look, that one long gaze into my eyes, for her to truly realize that she did love the man she left overseas? I don't know. I just don't know, and that's what's killing me still inside...

Now, I guess when all is said and done, the two of us were never really close enough friends for me to actually get an invite to the wedding or any real shit like that. Besides, now it'd just be goddam awkward, if my version of the story is to be goddam believed...

But if only she told me? If only she had fucking goddam said to my fucking face the goddam truth, instead of feeding the goddam fucking hope that I've had for the both of us for God knows how many years of our lives?...

Fuck...

... if only she had something to say...

... if only I weren't so blind...

... if only I didn't fall...

If only... if goddam only I wasn't...

... the other man...

... if only I weren't so...

... speechless...

Y2kk Update: Wow, March has been worthless...

... absolutely goddam worthless...

Now, I know I'm sounding like a broken record here in the sense that every fucking month, I just don't have anything worthwhile to say...

But honestly? When you're working, it's not just that life passes you by?....

... it's just that life just goddam fucking sucks, as those goddam fluorescent lights at work there honestly do suck the fucking life from your soul...

But honestly, even so? Was there anything worth mentioning through the goddam painful mornings and ides of March?...

... well, there was a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls, but that was about it...

No, seriously. There was a gas shortage. And just as expected up here in Canada, the amount of sheer bitchiness that occurred over the goddam event was just plain mind-blowing...

... more mind-blowing than the prospect of a goddam fire at an oil refinery, apparently...

So, here's the 411 on the situation about the 401 highway. Thanks to a fire at an oil refinery, and thanks to the frickin' goddam freezing weather here in Canada making it a complete pain in the ass to transport gas to all the needed stations across the suburbs, my province of Ontario has had a severe gas shortage over the past couple of weeks of the month, starting from February I think...

The thing is though, what was most weird about it, was that the price of gas barely fucking increased. WTF?...

As if not to piss off consumers, the gas companies for once actually elected to keep gas prices constant at 95 cents per litre, even though demand far outstripped supply after the events of the past month of shortages. WTF?...

And as expected? Gas stations started running out of fuel. Go figure, right...

Now, I don't know if a higher price that was more accurate for the supply levels (let's say, a buck-fifty per litre) would've actually slowed down the consumption of this gas guzzling province of mine, but at least it would've made people think twice about wasting hours of gas by just lining up to the few scant remaining stations out there that still had fuel to spare...

I literally saw people pushing their massive SUV's into line-ups, waiting for a mere canister of gas that never came. Yet the prices at the stations still remained at less than a buck per litre, which insanely enough if you think about it, is less than the price of a frickin' goddam bottle of water here. WTF?...

And guess what? As predicted, people were still complaining...

Hell, I heard so many bitching and whining with their over-molested cheese, that the gas companies had "manufactured" this "fake" shortage on purpose, just so that could justify raising the price of their gas in the future. And, umm... say what?...

The fire at the oil refinery was real, for all intents and intensive purposes at least. But even so, whether it was really staged or not, who really fucking cares in the end? In the end, this month there was far less gas to go around the gas guzzling province than normal, and it's a damn real threat to our society that this can damn well happen again whenever there's another war in the middle east, or whenever our own fuel supplies (that are currently being over-exported to the US) actually start to dry out...

But no, instead of people being concerned about the current and potential gas shortage situations of the future, instead of hearing talk of actually going for better mileage cars and fuel efficient vehicles, I just heard constant moaning and whining how the gas companies are extorting everyone for their money, by instilling fear in the public to buy all their gas at a dollar a litre rather than the 50 or so cents that everyone somehow just assumed the gas should magically be goddam priced at...

Hell, there were even lobbies and protests against the government, to regulate the fucking price of gasoline down to what grown men thought the price of gas should be. Which unsurprisingly, was pretty much down there with the price of goddam Canadian beer...

Again I say, WTF?...

Because for once, the gas companies were being nice to the public, too nice as a matter of fact. They were being pure dumbasses, in my honest opinion at least, by actually keeping prices as low as they were at less than a buck a litre, when the reality of the gas shortage demanded that they raised the fucking stakes instead, even to the ire of the ides of March...

Now, I'm definitely not one to actually defend a goddam oil baron of a corporation, but goddammit people, why the fuck do you always keep thinking that you deserve cheap gas? Like I mentioned before, I've seen bottles of water go for a dollar and a half per fucking litre or more yet very few people bitch and complain about that shit, yet the price of gas here in Ontario remained at low prices during a gas shortage compared to the rest of the world (including most parts of the US), and yet still people whine about being fucking robbed by the robber-barons? WTF?...

If anything, the gas companies should've tried to stem the shortages by raising their fucking prices to two fucking dollars a pop, and forcing some of the goddam public into installing fuel efficient water boilers in their homes and buying smaller, hybrid cars from now on. I'm definitely no hippie, believe me on that, but it's a fact of fucking reality that at any moment in time, another gas shortage can and will appear. And it will absolutely cripple our economy, not to mention our day to day rush hour lives, if we are not fucking prepared for it...

But how the fuck can we ever be prepared for it, when we can't even fucking grasp the basic concept of goddam fucking supply and demand? These are fucking bankers I'm listening to, and yet still they can't understand basic Economics and Commerce 101? WTF?...

So yeah, that's about the jist of the so-called injustice of it...

... that was about it for the ides of March...

Just a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls, and that's about it...

... and a whole lot of bitching and complaining from the most dumbass commuters on the face of the planet...

Sounds like fun, now doesn't it?...

... ah hell's bells, it always is...

... goddammit, always...

Y2kk Update: Alright, now this sure as hell has been some fucked up weather as of late...

I guess it was only matter of time until the snow would start piling up outside that doorway. But honestly, it's been brutal this year. After a completely mild and tame inauguration to winter in December (where we didn't even get a fucking white Christmas, goddammit), it's been just a complete onslaught of some of the coldest damn weather I have ever experienced in my life...

... well, in Toronto, at least...

... I'm sure the losers up in Winnipeg and Montreal are laughing their arses off at my complaints, if only they weren't too buried in snow to access the fucking internet, that is...

And to be honest? Yeah, TO is buried in snow too. A quiet, quaint, quilt of a fucking bucket of snow on every goddam doorstep...

This past week, there was another downpour of the most goddam depressing white shit I've seen outside of rgw movies. And right on cue, obviously the transit buses in my town were anything but on goddam schedule...

I was perfectly content at just staying at home and calling it a day, knowing that it would've taken me an eternity to get to fucking work...

But the problem was, I had already called in for fucking snow days twice in the past fucking week. Sure, maybe the third's time the charm in getting me fired (which I honestly wouldn't mind at this point or another), but seriously WTF is this lazy ass shit if I turn out to be that damn wussy in getting to work? Elementary school? I do have some personal pride, you know. WTF?...

So yeah, I sucked it up and decided to brave the cold and brave the elements. Whatever...

But goddammit, I was freezing my fucking ass off waiting for that goddam bus. It was already about 20 minutes late by that point, when I decided to just give up on standing there in the middle of fucking nowhere, and start just jogging my way to the train station to get some goddam blood circulating again...

That was around the time that finally, goddammit, I saw my bus turning the other cheek along with the corner. Finally, I was about to get some warmth and much needed goddam rest from standing in two or more fucking feet of goddam unfettered and frozen snow...

But the traffic was just so hilariously bad that morning, that not only did I see two fender benders on the same damn corner of the street within a span of twenty fucking minutes, but I also noticed that my bus was moving at a goddam snail of a pace...

... or a walking pace, quite literally, really...

So in my infinite boredom, I concocted a purely dumbass plan. First, I waited for the bus to almost reach my fucking stop finally...

... and then I ran...

I decided to race the fucking bus all the way to the train station. A train station that, by all fair judgments and accounts, is about a 20-25 minute jog from my house (although going downhill does help in the matter)...

And the stupidest fucking thing was, simply because traffic was so fucking slow that day, I literally beat my bus to the next bus stop. And then to the next... and to the next... and to the next...

Rest assured, I was taking rests inbetween. I am by no means a jogger or an athlete, but the traffic was just so goddam pathetically slow that day, that I got all the way to Oakville Place (75% of the way to the train station), before I finally got bored of my little battle and 'bout between the tortoise and the hare, and waited for the damn bus to finally catch up to me (which took another five minutes, thank you very much)...

So really, what was the point of this little venture of mine? Besides the old cliche of nothing ventured, nothing gained?...

Well, at least I can finally tell my grandchildren the truth, that way back in the good ol' days?...

... I literally did walk my way to work, uphill and downhill...

... both ways in the goddam fucking snow...

... in this fucked up weather of ours...

Y2kk Update: Fuck, I got attacked by a bat...

... by a fucking batshit bat in my own goddam fucking room...

How the fuck often can a guy ever say that?...

I mean sure, I've dealt with rodents and pestilence before. Hell, just the other month, I waltzed into my computer room in the morning, only to find a fucking dead mouse sitting lifeless on my chair. And what did I do? It was fucking early in the morning, I didn't give a shit, so I just swatted that rotting carcass away, took my throne back like a real man, and browsed the fucking net. I didn't give two callous shits about that son of a fucking fat rat race bitch...

But a bat? A BAT?!? Seriously, WTF?...

I was just sitting in my room a couple of weeks ago on a Sunday night, playing Phoenix Wright 2 for the Nintendo DS in what was an absolutely awesome jury case. And then what happens, but a fucking black thing just flies into my room staight through my open door, starts flapping about aimlessly, and then makes a fucking B-line straight for my black-hair, covered head? WTF?...

OBJECTION!!!

Immediately, I screamed out like a goddam school girl, "SHIT!", and then I covered my head with the fucking DS as a human body shield as I instinctively ran out of my own fucking room. I immediately slammed the fucking door as the bat was trying to fucking land on my head or some shit like that, right into its fucking smug ass vampire face, I'd like to courageously imagine. I have no idea why it was drawn into my room in the first place or why it loved the prospect of nesting in my goddam fucking hair, as it tried to fuck my FOB haircut twice with its fucking goddam maw and kits. All I do know, is that I ran straight out of that room in a goddam girly panic, and I shut the door on the way out like a real man to prevent that fucking bat from getting out...

HOLD IT!!!

I mean, I couldn't believe it. Seriously, a bat? WTF? First of all, we have never had a bat problem before, and we had just checked the attic a month or two before for this kind of bullshit, guano thing. And second, why the fuck did the bat love my room? Nobody else in the house saw the fucking thing flying about, and nobody had actually left the front door or the garage open since the morning, so where was the fucking thing hiding for the entire fucking day? And third, fuck, it ruined my whole Phoenix Wright experience. Thanks to its batshit insane flying marsupial attack or whatever sort of crap, my DS game got corrupted and I lost the last couple of hours of goddam fucking work. WTF?...

Plus, the fucking bat tried to mess with my hair...

And truth be told? If you mess with the fro, you gotta go...

So yeah, my dad and I returned a moment later with a goddam vengeance, and obviously a hell of a lot of protection. You know, winter jackets, boots, butterfly nets, face masks, the whole nine yards. We were fully armed and prepared and we snuck back into my room in a standard two by two military formation. The thing was, the bat was nowhere to be found. It was fucking hiding on us. WTF?...

Half hour later of searching, my dad was about to give up and call me Peter Petrelli for my goddam wolf cry. We couldn't find the fucking bat, and I was sure it couldn't have gotten out of my room since the door was shut and the winter window was bolted to shit. The thing is though, that's when I started scuffling around in my closet (which the bat shouldn't have been able to get into either), and lo and behold, guess what jumps right back at my fucking face? WTF?...

So that's twice the fucking bat thought that taking a dump in my bloody hell mouth would be a good thing. I of course panicked like any good wuss would, and I fell to my knees while waving a white towel (quite literally) in mid-air, hoping to swat it out of the goddam crimson skies. Of course, my smooth moves under pressure had no real fucking effect on the fucking bat whatsoever, so I was lucky as fuck when my calm as molasses father managed to finally snag the thing with the goddam fish net or whatever the fuck he had smartly brought along...

And fuck, the thing was so tiny when it wasn't flapping its wings no more. It almost looked dead in the way my dad sort of crushed its arms and dreams of mating with my goddam hair. I still had no explanation as to why when I was playing my DS earlier that night, the thing had literally just swooped into my fucking room right through my fucking door and tried to nest with whatever fucking black hair I had left on my fucking head at the time (before I pulled it all out in fright, mind you). It must've thought my silky smooth shit up top was sexy as hell or whatever, as the bat was still eye-balling my Chinese inherited bullshit as it was caught and lodged in the goddam fucking net...

OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!

Since the bat was obviously in love with both me and my room, it was my job to brave the cold outside and send this thing packing back to wherever it whence came. So yeah, with my jacket and boots in hand and the goddam bat in tow, I brought it outside to the ravine and fucking shook it loose, hoping it would harmlessly fly away thanks to the open winds of the goddam gorge down below...

... unfortunately, my shaking merely smashed it loose on its head into the goddam concrete by my foot instead... but whatever...

... that'll do, bat... that'll do...

Because I will never forget the look that goddam bat gave me that night once it was once again free. It looked so fucking sad as it tried to crawl and stumble about in a frozen state of stupor. It really, really, ridiculously couldn't stand the freezing fucking cold that night, and it had no real home left to go back to, I'd wager. It looked like a frightened child without any real goddam parents there really, as it just stared wistfully at my face and my dark, bottomless eyes and that goddam black hair it so loved to covet and fuck and fuck with so damn fucking much...

WAIT, HOLD IT! HOLD IT, GODDAMMIT, HOLD IT!

... so yeah, that's when I ran my ass off back to the warm as fuck house before the bat could fly back into my fucking goddam follicles once more...

And yeah, sadly, that was my biggest story for the fucking month of February. No shit, eh?...

Because truth be told, I was attacked by a bat. A fucking batshit bat in my own goddam fucking room...

... I didn't cry wolf, but I did cry and squeal like a little school girl three fucking times...

How often does that ever fucking happen?...

... too fucking often, in my own damn cause of a case, at least...