Y2kk Update: Well, I sure as hell have been in a pissy mood...

Chalk it up to a long, horrible winter maybe. Or maybe it's just been the fallout from the goddam girl at work. But yes, I've been in a horrible mood for the past couple of months, if not longer than that. And it's not just the usual type of mood swing I go through this time of year, the kind that makes me write incredibly long download updates that nobody will ever read. No, instead, I've been in some sort of depressive funk where not only do I barely eat anything, not only do I have absolutely zero drive or ambition to do anything with friends, but I don't even seem to have the urge to write on my goddam website for once. WTF?...

It's been a hellish past couple of months for me, internally with my emotions and all that other bullshit. For the girl at work, I've got a thousand different stories to tell, with the most depressive one happening too recently and too freshly in my mind to discuss at this point in time. Those updates will wait for a later day, when I'm actually ready to discuss and record them here for you two readers out there. In the meantime though, I've got to say that I've lost all sense of focus and direction at work, and it's not just because of the horrible mismanagement at my shitty ass company. Sure, they've given me absolutely zero decent work to do during the past couple of months, but even if they did, I don't know if I would've had the actual motivation to have done a goddam decent job at it all...

I've been so pissed off during the past so months, not just at myself but at my coworkers as well. And I'm not just talking about the coworkers I hate, but the few friends I have at my company as well. For this one guy, we've gone to lunches together for the past couple of years. Lately though, he just hasn't seemed receptive to anything I've said. I used to complain about the girl at work to him all the time, until he got sick of my whining and ranting and bullshitting the whole way through. Eventually, I held those stories to myself and he seemed better from the silence for the most part, but lately for the past couple months he's gone completely cold in my direction. I don't know why or if he's even doing this intentionally, but everytime he's around me, he no longer bothers with smiling or saying pleasantries or just being generally polite. He's been a complete asshole to me, yet when other coworkers are around, he laughs and jokes and generally seems like a much nicer fucking guy. Why the fuck is he completely ignoring me then? There have been so many times I've asked him a question, and he doesn't even bother to respond. WTF?...

He used to be a great listener. But as soon as I stopped feeding him stories that he claimed he didn't give a shit about, then he closes himself off to me as well? Or perhaps I'm just being moody, it's possible I'm just seeing things that aren't there, even though this problem with him has been happening for the past fucking month or two. So I did call him on it, when I was sick the other day I actually called him out on it. At lunch when it was just the two of us, I actually asked him if he had a problem or that anything was bothering him, and I told him I was getting concerned at how distant he had become. He claimed nothing was of the matter, and he quickly tried to change the subject. I don't know if everything was fine, as sometimes it does seem like he acts like a complete jackass to me simply because we've become close enough that he thinks it wouldn't bother me. Either way, with the way things have gone shittier and shittier in my life the past few months, him turning from a close friend to just another coworker is not what I exactly had in mind...

And as for my other close coworker, probably my only other friend at the company? The thing is, I hate how I seem to have some sort of smug superiority complex, but I can't help but be overprotective of the guy. He's a great worker, he does twice the amount of work I do in about half the amount of time. But he just doesn't know when to say no to management, he just seems to make so many wrong decisions when it comes to standing up for himself in the office. For the past month, management has been coming directly to his desk, ignoring me in the process as if they already know my answer to what they're going to ask. And they keep asking him to do them favours, favours that extend into overtime hours but without the benefit of any added pay. Of course my coworker complies with it all, especially after we both got our respective raises and everything. But really, on certain nights like Valentine's Day when my partner already had made evening plans, management made him work ten or more fucking hours and yet my coworker never said a fucking word. He missed his date until much later at night, and for what, the goddam CEO of our shitty ass company spitting in his face? WTF?...

The problem I'm having myself, is that I can't keep my overprotective emotions in check. Technically, my coworker is a grown adult and older than I am, with more work experience and pretty much the same university education. So really, I shouldn't be thinking or saying anything to him that makes me sound like a manager, but it was pissing me off for a month how all the favours that he was doing for the top brass not only were keeping him in the office far past the eight hours he's actually paid to do, but he was falling behind on the actual work that he and I had actually been assigned in the first place. I admit, maybe part of my reason for condemning him at times over this whole situation is perhaps my own insecurities and jealousy, considering management now seems to love him as the apple of their eyes instead of me. But really, would I want to work twelve hours certain days just to impress those assholes? And day in, day out, my coworker kisses their asses straight to their faces and never tells them 'no', even when he has the fucking right to do it. I feel so bad everytime I essentially act like a mini-manager and tell my partner to stand up for himself, but I just can't stand seeing him get abused and taken advantage of like he is...

But hey, it's his choice, right? I guess what bugs me the most, is that I thought he valued my opinion. But no matter what I say or contest in this matter, he treats me more like a nag than a true voice of reason. He's a grown adult and he can do whatever he chooses to do. But really, not once has he seemed to take my advice seriously to heart. I guess I just feel a bit ignored and underappreciated then, that's all...

I can't say the past few months have really been hard on me, not rationally and objectively that is. But with everything still happening with the girl at work, and with my most trusted friends both in the office and outside the workplace giving me a hard time? With my own siblings starting to ignore me for their own separate lives, I can't help but feel cold, abandoned and alone at times. It's been a long and harsh winter, and I've felt horrible physically and emotionally throughout the thick and thin of it all, especially after this past week being ill and everything. But it's almost over, finally it's all almost over, or at least I can hope I'm almost out...

It's time to pick up the pieces of my life and start moving forward once again...

... whatever the hell that means, and wherever the hell that actually leads...

For the past few months, ever since the girl at work left the office, I haven't just felt horrible inside...

... I've also been a bad person, I've also completely not been myself...

But now, it really is time to move on...

... now, it really is time to forgive and forget and appreciate what I do have...

It's almost my birthday, afterall...

... I'm always depressed before my goddam birthday...

Y2kk Update: It's weird, really. How I've been running into so many of my old ex's recently....

Well, they're not really ex's. I've never dated, right? They're just old crushes, old flames of mine who never returned the feeling. Still, it's strange how I've run into so many of them this past month and this past month alone. Just an odd coincidence, really...

In my last update, I mentioned how I ran into both the sexual harassment bitch from my government job, and how I met up with the girl I had a crush on from that very same time period. It's strange really, how I ran into the very two women who affected my life most from that time period, both within a span of a week of one another. Obviously, I cringed in pain from the two or three times I did catch a glimpse of the sexual harassment girl, considering she was chatting and cheating and feeling up some new random guy each and every time I saw her in the underground pathway. But as for the girl who I actually did care for at the time, my brother's old high school crush before he moved on? I dunno, it was just eye-opening to see her again, to realize just how indifferent I truly felt for her at this point in time, except for the pity I now had for her in my heart. I couldn't help wondering to myself, how could I have cared so much for her back then, only to care so little now?...

The way emotions and feelings work me over and completely alter my entire perception of things, sometimes I wonder if I really should take the more rational and logical point of view in life. Take for instance the "sexy hair" girl, my first ever crush, back in elementary and high school. I thought I had liked her for so many years of my life, only to finally have a Grade 11 science project with her as a partner, and realize just how wrong she had always been for me in the first place. I never saw her in the same light after that, and that includes the random time I did see her again just the other week as well. She was dressed in a business blouse and skirt but completely looked out of place while scuttling to the subway. She was an athlete before, she had an honest smile to her whenever she would talk about sports. Here she was though as just another random fish swimming in the sea of suits, and I couldn't help but be reminded of just how dumbass my crush on her was all those years ago...

There was one other old flame of mine that I ran into recently, on more than one occasion really. She was probably my strongest crush out of them all, until at least the girl at work who I'm still trying to get over. This blonde haired woman was my obsession, and to this day I still don't know why I cared so much for her. She was always cruel to me, spiteful and ignorant. She would do nothing but ignore me, or roll her eyes whenever I would try to impress her with whatever dumbass tricks I would try. But for some damn reason, I will never forget the sense of regret I had in not asking her to dance at the graduation formal. For some goddam reason, that single fucking moment in my life still haunts me to this very day, and as a result, I still do honestly think of my old high school obsession from time to time...

This past month was the first time I've seen her for God knows how long. I had heard that she spent some years over in Japan, teaching English and fucking some random guy she met at university. I never expected she would be back so soon, but there she was at the train station, looking almost identical to the way I remembered her in my mind. She and I, we did make eye contact but nothing more. I had nothing to say to her, and to be honest, I didn't want to mince words with her whatsoever. I was over her, it had taken years to get over her but I had finally done the deed. I had no interest in opening old wounds, especially since I still have no fucking reason why I fell for her in the first place. So I saw her at the train station just standing there at least three times in the past month, but I never said hello and I never even bothered to wave in her direction. I just pretended like I didn't recognize her, which is probably for the best. She was never kind to me in the past, she never fucking gave a damn, and there was absolutely no point in making things awkward by trying to speak with her once again...

There was a different sense that I got from seeing her again than all the rest. For the sexual harassment girl, for a woman I swore I never wanted to see again, I took great pleasure and delight in casting an evil one-eyed glare in her general direction one last time. For my brother's old crush, I felt pity and sympathy for her situation in my heart, and just a lingering regret that I wish things could have turned out differently between the both of us. For the "sexy hair" girl who I barely know even after ten or so years of exposure, I cared nothing for her except a general wince of disgust at how awkward she looked in a skirt. And as for my old high school obsession? I dunno, but I had the feeling of disgust, a feeling I got from within myself and directed at myself. Seeing her again, I couldn't believe that I had fallen for her before, and simply did not want to give myself a second chance to fall for her once again...

It's strange though, how I've met up with all these women from my past all over again, all in the same month...

... all in the same month that I've been trying my damn fucking hardest to get over the most recent girl on the list...

I just honestly wonder what my reaction will be, five years down the road...

... when I see the girl from my work all over again, one last time...

Will it be regret? Will it be remorse? Indifference? Disgust?...

... or will I sadly fall for her all over again?...

This past month, it's just been weird and eye-opening, that's all...

Y2kk Update: It's been a while since my last update. Guess just like before, I've lost my interest in writing...

My desire to update this download site of mine seems to follow the same determination and path as my dreams do. For months and months, I had dreamed of the girl at work, quite literally whenever I went to sleep. We were always there together, hand in hand, whenever I closed my eyes. And in my dreams, it's like the both of us being a couple was simply a fact taken for granted. We were always together when I was asleep, always aware of one another, just not always happy with the other. But lately, she's disappeared from my visions, as if she completely vanished like an apparition from the night. Just the other time, I can remember searching for her endlessly in every single scene and scenario I found myself in, but she never once appeared. It wasn't until I awoke that I realized just what happened, and how pathetically broken and lonely I've become over the past few months...

In an interesting twist of fate though, I've ran into some old crushes of mine, or at least women from my past. For some bizarre reason, the goddam girl who wanted to sue me for sexual harassment at the government? Well, she was back and with a vengeance, haunting the hallways of the underground pathway where I normally walk on my way back from work. The first time I saw her there, she and I just exchanged this staredown of a horrid glare as her Chinese boy toy simply nodded his head in silent agreement with me. He knew that she was a bitch, which explains why he wasn't there the following week when I saw her again. Instead, she had some jakked white guy as her arm-candy this time around. The poor sap actually looked happy, a feeling I knew would definitely not last long. She seemed happy there too at first, but that didn't stop her from giving me the same damn bitchy stare in the end she did the week before. Some things just never change...

The bigger encounter I had was with the last girl that I had strong feelings for. I forget what I used to call her on this website of mine, but she used to be my brother's old crush back in high school. As for me, I got to know her perhaps a little too late, as she was already seeing someone overseas by the time I started going out for coffees and lunches were her. A couple months before I started talking to the girl at work that I currently still am infatuated with, that's when this other girl suddenly ceased all communication with me, refusing to respond to any of the messages or e-mails I sent her way. I eventually learned that she got engaged with that man she met overseas, and I suppose she just didn't want to spend any more time with a guy that was never anything more than a random backup in her life...

For the first time in almost two years, I ran into her again on the train. She was looking much more frail and somehow much less happy than she seemed before, and talking to her directly, trusting her words at face value, I guess you wouldn't really figure out why. Apparently, not only did she just get a promotion at work this past January, but she also finally got married to her boyfriend from the Philipines as well. When she talked about her wedding though, there wasn't the same look in her eyes of swooning that my sister gets everytime she thinks back to her big day. Instead, for this girl I used to walk half an hour for just to treat to tea and lunches, she simply shrugged off her wedding memories and barely even mentioned anything about her new husband. She didn't seem happy at all, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. But what can I really do, right?...

Some that I've told this story to have suggested that perhaps this was an arranged marriage for her, that she had gone overseas in the first place to meet the man who would eventually become her husband. I don't know really, I may never know the truth, I just remember how devastated I was at the time when she first stopped talking to me. I knew back then that nothing could happen between the both of us, but I kept hoping for the slightest of chances anyways. Almost two years have passed since the day, and what I found most revealing was that, besides feeling some sympathy for her current plight? I felt nothing for her, I really felt nothing. Everything I used to feel for her, was gone...

I used to have such strong dreams for the both of us, though I never did literally dream of her once. Now, it's true that the way I feel about the current girl in my heart is just so much stronger than it ever was for any other woman, but in the end, I wonder if that even matters? I once had strong feelings for this girl as well, enough so that I really did think there was at least a chance that she and I could've hooked up if not for her eventual husband. And yet now, just two years down the road, I feel nothing but a requiem of sorrow and pity for her. I've completely forgotten everything about her that I ever did once like, and I just have to ask myself, is the current girl that I keep thinking and pining for, really no different in the end?...

That's been bothering me, lately. What if nothing I feel is really real? I keep dreaming that this girl has the potential to be the one, but what if that's just my own naivete talking? What will happen five years down the road, when I very well may meet the right girl for me, and she finds out everything I once said and thought and did for this girl at work that never even returned my messages? Two years down the road from now, will I simply look back at everything I feel right now, and feel nothing in return but pity and sorrow? I wish I knew the answers to all that, but I can never know the future. All I do know, is that no infatuation I've ever had before was actually genuine and real. What I feel now for the girl at work still feels so much damn stronger than I've ever felt before, but alas, I have been down this long and dusky road before...

And the same question from every damn time, from every damn girl, still circles and rifles through my head...

... what do I do now?... where do I go from here?...

It's been almost four months since she left the workplace. It's been three months since I even last spoke with her...

... when will I finally be able to look back, and remember it all as a dream?...

Y2kk Update: It's been just over a month since my sister's wedding...

January 26th and 27th were when she had her Winter Wonderland. It was honestly the happiest days of her life...

I don't know why, but I've been thinking of the whole ceremony a lot lately. About the beauty of the banquet hall at the Western Reception, how the rose petals and cupcakes at the Chinese reception all smelt and felt. I've been recalling lately all the little things I did those two nights, whether it was stringing up traditional Chinese lanterns as decorations, rolling out the red carpet quite literally for my sister to walk over the snow with, or even sitting on the sidelines wondering if I should've gave into both peer pressure and socialite status by just having a few goddam drinks...

No matter what happened, it definitely felt like two days worth of magic in retrospect, not just for my sister and new brother in law, but also in how I saw myself and felt. I was almost a different person at the time, with a new suit and new hair-cut and arguably new glasses (got them a couple months prior). Hell, I even tried to bulk up a bit in the chest and wrists, albeit I failed miserably as always in that regard. Yet all my cousins noticed the changes I have made for those two nights alone, I just wonder why a certain someone that I care about did not...

My closest cousin pointed out to me once that when it comes to trying to impress, I always learn as much as possible about the subject at hand, in this case a new suit and tie and how they go together well. In all honesty, I learned barely anything at all, considering I just googled a bunch of articles and opinions on the net about this shit, and trusted Wikipedia as one my goddam sources. I still can't colour-coordinate, or even properly iron out the goddam blue and white shirts I had for those two evenings. God knows I suck absolute balls at washing my own clothes, so it's not like I became a completely different and useful man from this wedding or anything. But as my cousins realized, this wedding was so important to my sister, which was why it was just so goddam important to me. I guess, getting a new hair style from a barber for the very first time in my life, even if it was only a small departure from my normal look, had a lot of meaning for me in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to show that I cared. Demonstrating just how much something means to myself is truly goddam important to me...

I wish I was able to extend my newfound knowledge to the foods that we got to eat. Now, at the Chinese reception, obviously I knew the majority of stuff there since I eat that banquet stuff all the time. Whether we're talking about baby pork meat or eighty buck bowls of Shark Fin Soup, this was my kind of night where I knew everything and pretty much everyone around. I'm comfortable in those situations, so much so at times that my cousins even noted that I was talking like I was drunk over my goddam Coke. Not sure if that was a good thing, but even if my sister and brother in law didn't have the most fun that second night as they did on the first, I was proud of them for making it all happen for the parents and family. Besides, I even got to taste a couple of new dishes while I was there, as the Portuguese Scallop in a Curry Sauce was my favourite food of the night. Not bad for a first taste test, as normally I detest anything new and foreign...

Which is why I just didn't enjoy dinner as much as I had hoped on the first night at the Western reception. Now obviously I dug deep into the main course, considering it was a New York steak and probably one of the best slabs of meat I've ever had. It wasn't filling though, it was too small to be considered a main course by my book however, and the mashed potatoes off to the side were far too laced with horrid mounds of butter for me to finish with a straight face. And this was all after I literally had to spit out my already tiny appetizer earlier in the evening...

There was a choice of just some plain salad, some weird tuna dish, or "Foie Gras". I had no fucking clue what Foie Gras was at the time, except that my sister recommended it as her favourite appetizer of all fucking time. After asking around that it was duck liver, and considering I normally can take a healthy dose of chicken liver and shit like that, I gave it a round and a go. But dear fucking God, it tasted like total duck fucking shit covered in a cream of butter semin sauce. WTF was this shit, how the fuck could anyone have thought it was good, I had no fucking clue. I spat that sucker right now, and never gave it a second thought. Guess I'm no goddam food connoisseur...

Guess this is one of those areas that I feel I'm lacking, and you can guess who was the person who most makes me feel the most inadequate this way. The girl formerly at work, the girl I've fallen for and can't seem to crawl back from, she herself has fallen for foods in ways I cannot even describe. At times, she can be far too elitist about the kinds of pasta and desserts and bakeries she likes, but it was one of those traits of hers that I eventually fell in love with and often admired. She had a real passion for it, one that I looked up to in all honesty. Problem was though, she also had a knack for being overly critical about others' incompetence, in my case with the foods we ate whenever we went out...

I understand that she prefers to have an "enlightening" conversation about the dishes we share at dinner, and I understand she prefers to be with people who are satisfied by the same foods as she does. But you see, that's where that twinge of elitism comes into play. I accepted it and even adored it at times, but over the months, I think I went well documented on this site how left out I felt whenever she ignored talking to me in preference of conversing about food with complete assholes I never gave a shit about. I tried at times to show her I had a willingness to learn, to develop a taste for the dishes that she strives to cook and bake and emulate. But there was just such a huge chasm between the both of us in terms of knowledge and experience in that regard, that she just didn't seem to have the patience or understanding to give me a goddam chance...

It's like how they say in high school, a couple only wants to touch and feel and smile at one another, while in university a couple only wants to share as many activities together as possible. I suppose, both are required for a proper relationship, but she was so damn concerned and concentrated with only the latter, that she was never able to see past my deficiencies. I personally believe that we two had a lot in common with a lot of chemistry at times. But from her point of view, her favourite pastimes of cooking and psychology and all that other stuff she reads at night, were topics that she herself was far too advanced in to ever maturely discuss with me...

At times, she acted like she only wanted an equal in everything she likes, that she only seeks a connection with a person she can respect in everything she too does. A mirror image, in genuine effect. I really felt like she closed her mind to me and sealed off all potential, simply because I did not fit her description of a perfect man in her mind. It could've all been an excuse out of fear, though at times, I couldn't blame her for how she felt. She certainly didn't like to "dumb down" conversations so to speak, and I couldn't help but feel bad every single time she just wasn't willing to talk about the topics she wanted to discuss when I was around. Her heart just wasn't there with me by my side...

I admit, a large part of the problems between the both of us, was that I was often so negative with my self-deprecating humour. Perhaps, she never truly got the impression that I was willing to listen and willing to learn. Sometimes I could tell it was disheartening to her, not just that I did not understand many of the higher level topics she was discussing, but that it did seem like it was making me feel leftout and inadequate in the discussions as well. Because I admit, I'm not always the type to shrug things off with a smile, not after months and months of dealing with the fact that she finds so much more enjoyment in talking with her other friends than I. I wanted so desperately to be an important part of her life, and I did try to show it, I really tried to prove it. But it definitely made me feel inadequate to realize that it just wasn't enough for her. What I find most important, to show her what she means to me, she just didn't seem to care...

I guess, what I've been upset with lately, is that in my latest e-mail to her, I actually wrote all about my experiences with food at my sister's wedding, from the Foie Gras incident to the strawberry shortcake and chocolate cupcake desserts we had. The thing is though, of course naturally as the weeks have gone by, I haven't heard a single word from her since. I asked her directly in my e-mail whether she wanted me to send her some photos from the wedding or not. My exact words were, "I'd love to send some pics your way, if you'd so like". But I haven't heard anything but silence from her direction since I last wrote her about the wedding. I really shouldn't have expected anything more...

I tried relating to her with my story about the Western reception, but either she's too busy for me, or she's actually angry at me for not telling her my wedding anecdotes right upfront when we last met, does it really matter at this point? If she wanted to talk to me, if she ever wanted to contact me, I've given her so many chances to do so. And every single time I do, every single time I put my heart and feelings on the line, and whenever she does not respond? I hurt inside, and the old wounds salt just a tiny bit more...

I care about her, I really do. So much so, that she still is the only person I truly think about, even three months after her departure...

... but I know that she never truly thinks about me, because if she did, would she not try to talk to me?...

... would she not at least respond?...

It's been just over a month since my sister's wedding. By a single day, to be precise...

... and this is what I still think about, the girl at work and what she truly does mean...

... it's just so important to me, to show that you care...