Y2kk Update: I guess this is the part where I disappear from the internet yet again for a while. I honestly don't know when will be the next time I can find the time to write...

I've had it easy for a while, but things will definitely start getting busy for me again this coming week. It's been a nice couple of weeks for me though, I can't complain about that. Lounging about with television and gaming is always a good thing. It's just too bad I couldn't really enjoy it all, I've been on and off sick for the entire damn time since my last download update. Hell, I'm feeling like shit again today and I really have no idea why. It could have something to do with the changing weather here in the Toronto area right now. If it stays rainy for a while or if it stays sunny for a few days, I feel fine. But the moment it suddenly switches randomly between the two, I feel sick as a dog. Wish it didn't have to be this way...

What have I been up to? Most days, basically just procrastination to the nth degree and I definitely enjoyed every last second of it. Besides that and besides sadly being bed-ridden from this illness crap I mentioned before, I've been busy with a couple of university assignments (one of which I got perfect on, but so did about three quarters of the entire class so it's a moot point), I've been helping my brother with the details about the purchase of his new home, and I've also been the handyman around these parts with the home renovations in this new house of ours. The contractors we hired finished their part of the basement, and while we're waiting for the next set of contractors to be ready in a week or so, I felt it was my duty to do some cleaning and touch-ups everywhere I could. Besides vacuuming and washing the floors, I managed to scrub all the tiles in the washroom and repaint all the doors and frames as best I could. It took a hell of a lot longer than I thought it would, but at least it brought me back to the good ol' days when I used to paint for my parents' business all the time…

So that's been pretty much my past two weeks in a nutshell. Granted, I definitely should've studied more for those final exams of mine that will start in just over a week from now, but instead I opted to vacuum and hand wash all the floors in this house simply out of sheer obsession and goddam procrastination. Soon though, I know I'll be paying the price for my choices. I've never been a studious student in the first place or anything like that, as there's rarely ever been an occasion in history where I didn't just cram at the last minute for a goddam exam. But seriously, with my new programming job starting during the exact same week as my finals? I know I am screwed, I am sure of that, and yet I still find myself so lazy...

This is the reason I'll be missing in action from the internet for quite a while. Starting next week, I'll have two major assignments due for university. Hell, I should be completing them now instead of writing this download update, especially considering I've barely gotten anywhere with those bloody hell math questions over the past two days. After my assignments are finally handed in (for better or for worse), and after a brief respite period where I'll be taking my mother to the doctor for her blood-work to be checked (and maybe treat my parents to the movies as well), I'll find myself busy with family celebrations over the Easter holiday weekend, and then apparently the very Monday after, it's going to be the first day of work for me…

Negotiations for this job of mine certainly haven't gone as smoothly as I planned. Simply put, the HR recruiting company is taking a hell of a lot of money off of my hourly rate for themselves, and I'm certainly not happy about that. While logically I should just be satisfied that they found me a job in the first place, I'm not happy that they will continue to top off my pay over the course of an entire damn year of my employment. I'm just the kind of guy who hates it when somebody leeches off of me for easy money. If I have no choice in the matter, I will do everything in my power to make them earn their paycheck, and I've annoyed both car-salesmen and real estate agents so much from this trait of mine over the past bloody year. I just couldn't stand how pushy the recruiters were in trying to get me to sign a contract right away, yet acted so completely lethargic whenever I asked them to explain something or find something out in my favour. I know I'm just a stubborn idiot at times, but like I did with the real estate agents in the past, I've made sure over these prior couple of weeks that these HR recruiters of mine didn't get to strip an easy paycheque from my goddam hands. They forced me to incorporate and lied about it (or simply withheld information) too many times for me to goddam tolerate. Of course in the end, I'll sign the contract on the dotted line, but my ego feels a bit better about itself if I can just make them sweat or swear a bit in the process...

I start my new job on April 5th. I would be fine with that date if only it wasn't so damn close to my university final exams, which start on April 8th and end on my very goddam birthday, April 20th. I actually have seven university exams this term (though technically six, since one is a "challenge exam" meant to bypass a summer course that I don't want to take). This will be the most exams I've ever taken in a single term before, and yet I have to do it all while working at a full time job that I will be learning at the time (possibly with unpaid overtime) on the goddam spot? In a sense, it's good that I currently have 80% or higher in all but one of my classes, as it relieves the pressure on me if I don't do exceptionally well on my finals. On the other hand, this is the first term in my entire university career where I feel proud of myself, and it's a shitty feeling knowing that now I have an excuse for my marks to drop to what they were before. It would definitely be smarter for me if I would just take the time to study now for all these bloody hell courses of mine , especially the three I have on successive nights near the eve of my birthday. And yet I just keep on procrastinating it seems, and I know I will pay the price with so many exhaustive nights in the near future. Wow, will I ever be tired…

Part of me wishes that I could just delay the start of this job so that I can concentrate on my university finals, but I've already talked with my manager about that and it's just not in his or the company's best interests for me to start two weeks later. And also part of me wishes I could just defer or even forfeit my exams, but that would be such a complete waste of a term and all the money I've spent to get to this point in my goddam university career. I'm actually scared of what will happen, if my marks will drop significantly or not. I value my education, even if it doesn't have a true end-goal. I sort of see it as self-fulfillment of my previous goddam wasted potential. I returned to school to prove to myself that I could do it, that I wasn't just a failure back at the University of Toronto. But even if I survive these next two weeks, what about the next term with another six bloody hell courses? In a sense, I've already proven to myself that I'm better than I thought, but I still need to finish the goddam job. I just don't know how I'm going to handle both full-time work and school studies this summer, that's all...

The return to corporate life along with seven university exams at the same damn time will be my biggest single stress test potentially of my entire life to date, because I honestly care about the outcome of both. But when it comes to gruelling endurance, it'll be the summer months that will be the absolute painful test and chore. Like I said, I'll be continuing my full time job on a six month contract all the way through October, while at the same time I'll be taking six abbreviated courses at York university in the summer term all at once. Combine that with my brother's wedding in August, first with his bachelor party on the long weekend and later with the actual week of the wedding and rehearsal itself? Hell, have I ever been so busy in my life? I guess the good news is, if my constant sickness only happens when I'm not busy, then I can safely predict I will be feeling healthy for quite some time starting next week…

One of the main reasons why I'm keeping such a hectic schedule, one that will yield barely any rest or relief in the coming months, is because I'm still trying to find some meaning in my life, I guess. I want a job because I want my career to move somewhere where I want. I like the feeling knowing that I can find work and do a good job at it anytime I put my mind to it. But at the same time, being a corporate monkey is just too damning and limiting from my previous goddam experiences in the office. I want to focus on university as well, to broaden my skills and confidence so that one day I can take up the family business and be the entrepreneur I've wanted to become for quite some time now. But really, to achieve both at the same time? Yes, I do want income so I don't feel guilty every day I spend a dollar, but I also don't want to give up on schooling either and delay the future I still want for myself down the road…

And yet, even if I do manage to achieve and succeed at both of these goals? Let's just say that I do finish university again and that I do become an entrepreneur. Then what? I still won't feel fulfilled because there still will be a third piece of this so-called Triforce of my life that'll be missing in action. It's kind of funny actually, how I go to York University where there are so many and so much more ridiculously attractive women in a single location than I've ever seen before in my entire life (especially of the Indian and Chinese variety that I'm so fond of), and yet I still find that I'm not interested in a single one of them. I used to think that downtown Toronto in the business sector or the North York and Richmond Hill areas had the hottest women I'd ever seen, and yet now they just don't seem to compare after being at York University for one full year. In the end though, every single time I try to talk to one of these girls, it's either that I don't know how to carry on a conversation or it's simply that I quickly realize the girl before me has nothing to say that I myself find to be interesting or meaningful. There just doesn't seem to be anything behind the high maintenance looks for me when it comes to any of these girls that I have talked to. But I guess still, I wish I had tried with more…

There was this FOB Chinese girl back in summer school last year, who I remember was wearing a sensationally cute yellow T-shirt with the tighest of blue jeans. I seem to have a weakness for the colour yellow as if I'm the goddam Green Lantern, and it certainly helped that her shirt was perfectly form-fitting and practically transparent in its cotton or linen form. She had caught me glancing over at her in the library that day with her friends, and when I left the room, I noticed that she was simply sitting there alone on a bench, all by herself all of a sudden. I did want to talk with her, her body in the sunlight was practically glowing afterall, but I do admit in this case I simply did not have the guts or the motivation beyond shallow looks. Part of me wonders if she left herself alone on that bench because she knew I would be leaving soon. I did wonder if she was hoping I would say hi. I guess now, I'll never know…

The second instance I regret was at the school cafeteria, also during summer last year, when I spotted a Westernized Chinese girl sporting an amazing white blouse on top, tight black tank-top underneath, and adorable little yoga track pants on her bottom. I actually went over to her with the intention of starting a random conversation, but when the time finally came, nothing came out of my goddam mouth. Realizing how much of a wuss I was, I pretended like I had stopped to take a look at the contents of my school bag and bent down to check. At that very moment, I noticed in the corner of my eye that she looked up and I could somehow sense that she thought I actually wasn't that bad looking. She kind of seemed interested to some extent, just not very much, alas. As soon as I looked back up, she quickly turned away as expected and pretended like I wasn't there. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing…

The final instance where I wish I had some guts was this past January at the local bookstore. As I was browsing grossly overpriced textbooks, a short little Chinese girl came over to my left. I didn't get a good look at what she was wearing, but I do remember that she wasn't spoiled with those hooker or fuzzy boots like every other Asian at York University was, and that there was just something about her face that made me want to turn and say hello. I could somehow sense that she was interested in me, and kind of interested a lot; she was the only one of the three that seemed to give me any sort of sly smile back. Remembering my regret from those first two instances of sudden mute affliction above, after making eye contact and just as I was about to introduce myself? It's kind of ironic about the timing and all, but that's exactly when my brother decided to call me up on the cell phone. I'll never forget that moment, because he honestly had no reason to call me. He just suddenly felt like finding out where I was and what I was doing that day, and by the time we hung up the phone, the little girl next to me had paid for her books and left the store. And to this very day, I still wonder if it was a blessing in disguise that the sudden phone call happened, or if it's just another regret…

The first two women on this list were nothing more than shallow lookers who were only attractive due to the summer heat. In all honesty, my only regret is not having courage in those moments; I don't regret not getting to know them because I already knew who they were. Sure, I still remember their bodies so well, but I also remember how their faces did absolutely nothing for me in the end. And thinking back to those moments, I honestly just can't help but compare them to the girl I fell in love with, how she always had that kind of gentle face and smile that I fell for from the very first moment I saw her. Every time I remember the girl in yellow, I also think back to how stunningly hot the girl at work was when she simply wore a white T-shirt with "Puppy Love" written on her chest; I could barely resist how amazing she looked in those jeans she was wearing that day. When it comes to the girl in the cafeteria, I also can't help but recall that one day I saw the girl I fell for at work wear the same type of white blouse, and how I was so immediately drawn to her that I still remember the very scent of her sweat on her arms that day. That morning in the office, it was really the only moment I felt true passion in my entire life and I still remember every single detail of her glowing hair and the hot black skirt she wore. I wanted her so badly then, I could hardly resist. But more than that, what I remember most of all, is how her smile is the only smile I've ever truly cared for...

As for the girl in the bookstore? I guess she was the only one of the three that I felt was actually interested in me, and she was the only one of the three that I actually thought had a cute face and smile. I will never know why it turned out my brother called me at that very exact place and time, and part of me wonders what would have happened if I had just said hello. Yet at the same time, when I think back to that moment, I also can't help but remember all the little cute and innocent memories I had with the girl at work as well. I still perfectly recall how she smiled as she lifted her misty glasses from the fog of the cold the day I took her out for her new job. I still vividly remember exactly the tones and inflections in her voice as she called my name at the goodbye lunch with all our coworkers. I still remember just how cute she was wearing that gray hoodie of hers the very last time I saw her a year ago. And yes, I do miss that care and consideration of hers that I've always taken for granted. It's the little things I miss most, like how she bit her lip every time she apologized for something, or how she offered to hold my jacket when I was too tied up with a hot chocolate in my hand. I was always angry at her when I really had no reason to be. That's perhaps my greatest regret in life...

There are times I wish I had more courage, to be the kind of guy who can just walk up to any woman and ask for her name. And to be honest, I have done that on numerous occasions at York University already, even when it comes to some absolute hotties I've met in my classes. Yet every single time, like a broken record, I realize in some sense that they are broken. I do realize that five minutes alone with a girl is not enough to find out who they really are, but it certainly also feels like five minutes is too long to find out that they're really not the right girl for me. I don't need to write about these women that I actually have had the courage to start a conversation with, because I simply don't care about them anymore. The moment I hear their voice, I know that they're not the woman that I wish they would be. They're not the woman I want; there's only one woman in the world that I do, even if she has no interest in me. I'm in a school full of the most attractive Indian and Chinese girls that I've ever known, and yet still I only think of the one woman I fell for, the one woman who I last saw over a bloody hell year ago, the one woman who never wanted to see me again. I know she's happy without me, so why do I keep thinking about her? I really still miss her. How fucking sad is that?...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? I guess we'll see soon if it is, provided I survive the next few weeks let alone the next few months...

Until then though, I guess I'm signing off, because I have no idea when I'll next have the chance to write. I need to concentrate on school and concentrate on work, afterall...

Wish me luck then. I don't want any regrets.

Y2kk Update: Wow, do I ever feel burnt out. I know I really shouldn't complain in the grand scheme of things, considering there are so many people right now in the world doing so many juggling acts between work and family life and whatever else they want to achieve in life. I honestly don't know how they pull it all off though, considering I've only been busy with university exams and family matters for the past three or four weeks, and yet there were already so many nights that I just couldn't keep my eyes open or goddam think straight...

Like I mentioned in my last update, there's something about university life that taxes the brain in ways I couldn't even remember once I became a full time employee. When you're working a job, unless it's one of those pressure ones where you feel you're on-call 24/7, there is still plenty of downtime on evenings or weekends to finally relax the mind and get back to a mental state that somewhat borders on manageable. But once you factor university studies into the mix, thanks to goddam exams and assignments that never stop on a full time schedule, there is never a single day or weekend where I feel I can truly relax. I feel happy that I can roll out of bed at nine or ten in the morning most days, but I still feel so damn drained and so damn fatigued, especially during those cramming sessions that take me until 3 am or beyond. And to think, my plan all along has been to maintain my full time university course load while simultaneously working a full-time job for forty damn hours a week. I'm only battling through half of that equation as we speak and already I'm begging for an escape clause. WTF?...

Granted, I never imagined that everything in my life would come to a head all at the same time over the past three or four weeks. Ironic how that happens, isn't it? I already mentioned in my last update everything I did for Chinese New Year and helping my brother-in-law and sister move from their condo over to their new life in Asia. That was already tiring enough, to transfer all their possessions and junk from their uptown residence to my house. But why is it that fate (or just bad family decisions) seemed to make it so that at the same time my sister was moving, my brother decided to move back home too and my parents decided to close the deal on our old house as well? Talk about coincidence, or just plain bad scheduling as far as I'm concerned. With our basement under constant renovations as well, we had barely enough room to fit my brother-in-law's stuff let alone everything else that would be coming in...

Last Wednesday I returned back to my old Oakville home to clean up for what I had hoped would be the last time. I couldn't believe though that after two moving truck days and after ferrying as much crap as we could in our minivan about twenty damn times over the past half year, that we still had a garage full of absolute junk that my dad was still reluctant to throw away. Thankfully we did manage to appeal to his inner common sense and made him realize that without a third moving truck rental, there was no way to get all the remaining wood and scrap metal and goddam furniture back to our current house before the closing date of our old one. As a result, after getting up early in the morning and visiting my grandmother in the process, I had to help load up the minivan twice (completely full to the brim each time, might I add) with as much garbage as we could to deliver to the dump site in Milton. Beyond the injuries I sustained thanks to so many nails and splinters in the rotten wood we disposed of, and beyond the giant bruises on my legs I still have from dropping busted stereo speakers on my knees, I felt so unbelievably exhausted and physically dirty by the time that garbage disposal site closed for the day. I had worked as hard as I could to clean up as goddam much as possible for six or seven bloody straight hours that Wednesday, and yet still after we were all said and done, there was still half of the fucking garage full of junk to get rid of. WTF?...

I was still sporting the cuts and bruises and mental scars by the time Saturday rolled around, when it became time to help my brother move from his uptown condo back to the house we are in. Thankfully, he didn't have a ton of material possessions that he couldn't just cram into boxes we could stack, and luckily everything of his did fit into two minivan shuttle rides. The difficulty though came with moving the remaining heavy furniture he wanted to keep, mainly his double sofa-bed from Ikea and the HDTV that was far more heavy than I remember old LCD screens once being. Lugging all this crap over to the elevator and then dragging it to wherever the minivan was parked wasn't the most gruelling of efforts, but it was truly time-consuming and I certainly wasn't a happy camper when the sunlight of the day began to set yet we were still hauling crap out of the van and into the house. I was happy to help my brother to move in and I would do it all again if I had to. The only hitch though was that I had my Management Accounting midterm the following morning, and was I ever damn tired...

With Wednesday being two minivans of garbage disposal day, and with my back still aching from moving my brother's bed on Saturday, I didn't have much time remaining that night to cram for my Management Accounting midterm on Sunday morning. When I finally took that exam, I was so tired and mentally washed out that I actually don't remember going through the entire midterm the first time around. It was only on the second run that I noticed all the mistakes I had made and rushed my hardest to correct what I could. When I left that exam room, I didn't have the feeling of failure or anything, not like I did every time I would prove to be utterly clueless back during my computer engineering days. But I certainly didn't feel confident in the answers that I had written, and after not studying nearly as much as I should've between those two moving dates, I was honestly prepared to receive just a 50-60%...

That's why I was actually goddam ecstatic a few days later to see my mark, and literally wondered how the hell I could actually achieve a 90% (and the class average was 60%). Seriously, WTF? That was a nice reward for my hard work, even though I have no clue how I could have pulled off a score like that in the kind of dizzy haze I was in. Combine that with two other marks I received that same week, of 81% on my Statistics midterm and an actual 90% on my Corporate Finance one (how I achieved that, I have no clue either), and suddenly things were looking up. I know school shouldn't be very important to me, considering it's hard work ethic and actual experience on the resume that gets you to the places you want to go in your career. To be honest, I'm getting afraid that I'm caring too much about my university success again, forgetting what it means to succeed in the real world outside of the bubble of school. Still, I studied so hard all the way until 4 am for each of those three exams, so how could I not be somewhat proud of myself? But unfortunately, I patted myself on the back too soon...

This past Tuesday was another gruelling day of physical work, although I thought I would welcome the change of pace after worrying about university marks so much. Wednesday was the final closing date of the sale of our old house, and my parents wanted the day before to be when we finally finished everything for the proverbial passing of the torch. That's when the feeling of burn out finally hit me like a truck, both in the bloody brain and the goddam gut. I wasn't feeling well at all, I could barely sleep the night before and I think I was running a temperature that very morning. Still, I knew what work had to be done and I simply sucked it all up and forgot I was feeling sick by noon-time. Still, it was unbelievable how physically weak I was compared to just the Wednesday before. I was practically out of breath by the time we fully loaded the minivan the first time around with the remaining junk we had in the garage and basement, and a few hours later when we were finally ready to depart for the disposal site for the very last time? The two trips to the dump the week before I could handle with relative ease, but my fucking God, I felt like I was about to die on Tuesday by the time it was all said and done. And that was just for the garbage disposal crap; there was still a lot more we had to load into the van to take back to the new home, stuff I had never even seen before in my entire life. And beyond that, I had to wash the floors, scrub the damn sinks and vacuum every single room in that two story house of ours, which practically broke my back all over again after that goddam garbage crap did an hour before. God, did I ever feel wasted...

And even after the house was finally as clean as we were offering to make it for the closing date, my day still wasn't done. I had to drive my parents to their lawyer's office in downtown Toronto so they could hand over the house keys and finalize the paperwork for the afternoon after. I didn't get home until almost midnight, and the only way I managed to survive the long drive home was by crashing on the couch in the lawyer's office for as long as I was there. I was originally planning to study during that time, but I could barely see straight let alone walk a crooked line. I'm going to miss that old home of mine, I lived there for twenty years afterall and I still get misty-eyed every time I look out its front window and remember when we planted that enormous ever-green tree that was once my childhood height. I actually said goodbye to each and every room in that house before we left, slowly shutting each door to personally close that chapter of my life. I will never forget that home of mine simply because that was where I was raised for twenty years and that is where I became who I am. I spent so many hours just sitting in my room, musing about life while so damn miserable about the girls that I had fallen for, writing so many damn website updates that I can't even begin to read it all now. I spent so many days and nights in that basement, watching so many movies and playing so many video games during that golden era of high school when all forms of entertainment actually felt worthwhile to me. I will never forget that kitchen that still scents of the Chinese food that my mother cooks to this very day. I spent twenty whole years of my life in that home, and nothing can ever replace that. I almost wish we could've kept the house forever like a memory etched in stone, but I guess my sore back didn't quite agree...

Thankfully I had a few days to recover before Saturday, which was the day my brother and his fiancee had chosen to gather the wedding party together for dinner and drinks. Alas, I'm as hardcore of an introvert as you can get, and while I can manage to pretend to be social for an hour or two, there's just something about meets and greets that make them far more mentally taxing and draining than even an entire day of cleaning and moving from the goddam house. Saturday morning I crammed and studied as hard as I could for my Intermediate Financial Accounting exam Sunday morning, and luckily I was able to relax for lunch all by myself before I had to suit up for the rest of the day. Because it was in the early afternoon that I joined up with my brother and his groomsmen, and literally did suit up in terms of taking our tuxedo measurements for the wedding day come August. After an hour or two of trying to stand still in a single spot with bad posture, I went to "chill" with the guys at the local Milestone's restaurant and bar, though I certainly never feel relaxed whenever I'm hanging out and chilling. I don't drink alcohol really, simply by choice to be honest, and thus two hours at the bar feels like practically an eternity for me. The rest of the guys just laid back and talked about their old days at college, while I did my best to join in our their conversations but I really didn't know what to say. I was there for my brother and I wanted to make sure I was on good terms with the other groomsmen, but it didn't take long after the tuxedo fitting until I felt like I was getting a temperature and began to feel the start of a goddam migraine. Not fun...

And the night certainly wasn't over yet. At 7 pm, we all left and met up with my brother's fiancee and her bridesmaids at the Italian restaurant they chose. I wanted to make sure I made a good lasting impression on every member of the wedding party, and I think I did a decent job of somewhat blending in (aside from the free round of shots on the house, of course). Dinner was alright too; I probably should've been more adventurous than to stick with my usual penne in rose sauce, but it is my favourite and standard dish whenever I go to a new restaurant and it did turn out to be relatively tasty where we went. The night didn't end until past 10 pm though, which was when half of the group left to go clubbing in downtown Toronto and the other half decided to treat my brother to another round of drinks at a local pub. My brother knew I had yet another midterm exam the very morning after, so that was my free pass and get out of jail card to return home and just try to gather myself for the next day. After being out of the house and socializing for eight or nine hours straight, my introverted self was exhausted and completely dead beyond belief within. I meant to study as soon as I got home, but soon found that an hour had been whisked away after I accidentally fell asleep on my goddam books, leaving a puddle of drool as proof. In the end, I did manage to force myself to cram until 3 am in the morning, but I certainly didn't prepare as much as I should've...

Simply put, my exam was a disaster. Or my entire Sunday was the shittiest of days, to be honest. Intermediate Financial Accounting has already proven to be the toughest of the bunch, considering I received a 72% on the first midterm in the course yet was still fifth highest in my section. I wish I could believe I will get a similar mark on the second exam of the class, but that's certainly not the feeling I had throughout those three straight hours of goddam intellectual hell. I hate my professor, I really do; she's a stony bitch who's probably just teaching because she thinks she's helping the world. Her exams are completely ambiguous and confusing, probably with the intention of "preparing us for the complexities of real work", but in the end she only reminds me of managers who have absolutely no clue what they want or how to communicate it. Almost every exam question she presents is a mix and match of all the fringe cases in the textbook problems, most of which she didn't even assign to us (claiming they wouldn't be relevant for the test), while also always adding a pinch of her own flavour of vocabulary so that I for one have no clue whatever the bloody hell she is trying to ask. Add to that multiple choice selections which are so similar to one another that there's normally only a single word of difference at most, and combine that with the fact she puts "none of the above" in every single question (and far too often actually chooses that to be the answer)? It was a miracle I pulled a 70% on her first midterm, and I'll be lucky if I can even pass her second. All I want is a goddam B in the goddam course, but even that is in jeopardy...

My horrible day didn't end there though. Besides the Toronto Raptors putting up yet another stinker, losing at home to the Philadelphia 76ers, on the same Sunday where the Maple Leafs also got beat by the same damn city? It was then that I finally started feeling the same uneasiness and queasiness that I did the Tuesday before. My temperature started running a fever, my stomach started churning and chirping, and my body became so weak to the point where I felt my shoulders were going to fall off from the textbook in my backpack. By the time I finally got home, I was feeling even worse off, desperately trying to close my eyes and get some sleep yet my goddam temperature just wouldn't yield any relief. I also found out that my noname website had been deleted by my free web hosting server, and in loyalty to my two remaining readers, it was a pain in the ass to set it all back up again. To make matters even worse, almost like a kick to the groin as punctuation on the goddam shitty ass Sunday, I got an e-mail reporting that my Human Resources midterm mark was in. Believing it to be a bird course and thinking I must've at least achieved a 75% without trying, I opened up the letter and regretted my decision ever goddam since. I mean seriously, I got 60% on the fucking midterm assignment, a sixty fucking percent? And class average was 65%? WTF? What the hell happened? I was at a loss for words. Seriously, how the hell did I fuck up so badly?...

I guess it's arguable whether today has been any better at all. I still feel sick, I'm still worried that any food I eat will come back out and not as delicious as it was before, and I'm still pissed at how badly I did in Human Resources and how poorly I'm sure I fared in Intermediate Financial Accounting as well. I guess it makes sense that I would suddenly fall ill now, considering my mind has been in overdrive for the past three or four weeks, and it's only now that I can finally get some rest and let my body recover from the goddam sorry state that it was in. There are still plenty of things left to do on my checklist, namely two university assignments due next week and two more at the end of the month. But finally with all the moving dates done and finished, and with all the immediate concerns for my brother's wedding completed and out of the way, today was my day to be myself, by myself. Figures I'd be sick...

For the next two weeks, my horizon is relatively calm and clear, but starting in April, shit hits the fan once again. I had received a call last Thursday from the HR Recruiter who got me that job interview a month or two before. It turns out that same company has found a potential position for me and wanted to phone me about my intentions on Friday afternoon. So I waited at home to absolutely no avail while studying all of that day, with no phone call or even an e-mail reminder to boot. Disappointed, I suffered through my Sunday and finally got the phone call I was waiting for this morning, unfortunately ruining my sleep but I guess it might be worth it in the end. I've now agreed to return back to their downtown office this Wednesday in order to have a second interview, hopefully this time in person and not over the phone. The position available is a six month contract to work for a business client in Scarborough, which would require me to wake up rather early to beat the traffic but it's entirely doable, for the right amount of cash that is. It sounds to be a far more technical role than what I was hoping for, considering I'm learning so many business and accounting principles to go along with my computer programming skills. But a job is a job and the company from what I've seen so far looks to be a professional working environment that I can handle. I mentioned before that I'm worried I've become too invested in my university studies; I shouldn't ever forget that I went back to school mainly because I couldn't find a goddam job. Maybe I'll end up enjoying this office a few weeks after I start. The start date though is a concern...

The company wants me to begin training on April 5th, which of course I can do but it'll sure play havoc with the rest of my life. April 8th through the 20th are the dates of my exams, and I will have seven of those bloody hell things (one extra thanks to a competency test to try and skip a taxation course I don't want to go through). Not only that, but at least two of those exams have already been scheduled to be written in the goddam morning or afternoon, forcing me to take time off from work when I'm in the middle of goddam training. Add to that the fact I've always intended to take as many courses as I can in summer school thanks to their shortness and brevity in terms of less assignments and tests, and then seriously, how the fuck busy am I going to be in April, May, June and July? Unless I finally do realize I can't handle having both a full time job and full time studies at goddam York University at the same damn time, I'll be working on site in Scarborough every single weekday while desperately cramming for all six summer courses that I want to take through July. I will never feel any rest or relaxation during the weekends, and I wouldn't even have good television to fall back on or the goddam Toronto Raptors to vent and transfer all my damn frustrations onto anymore. And I can't forget about the ongoing house renovations either; once the contractors in the basement finally finish the bathroom tiling and after painting the bedroom walls, it's up to me and my father to add in the carpets, finish the baseboards, and clean the whole mess up with who knows how many vacuums and washes. All the meanwhile, between juggling full time work with full time studies, I'll be preparing for my brother's bachelor party and wedding come August to boot. Just how bloody hell busy will I be? How the hell will I survive 'till then?...

To add insult to injury, to further goddam salt the wound, my final day of exams is my goddam birthday and the day before her's, really. I do want to contact her, I really do. It's been well over a year now since I last heard from her and I know she doesn't even care, but there's a part of me that just won't let go and I can't help but pray and hope that she will finally contact me again sometime this year. I'll admit it, in my mind I've been struggling yet dreaming of the thought that I would be working and studying while in a real relationship all at the same time. I don't know how the hell I would find the time or energy to pull that off, but for the only girl I've ever truly fallen for? I would make time for her above all else. If she were to contact me today or tomorrow or even years down the road, I would always make sure I'm there for her. But I also know I would never get the same care or concern in return. I never did, afterall...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? And believe me, I will at least try to maintain my studies while working on my career at the same damn time. Fun, really...

I don't know how successful I will be at that. I don't know if that'll bring the sort of meaning and self-actualization into my life that I keep hoping that it will...

But it seems, feeling so burnt out? It gives me a reason to write, and that means something, to me at least...

Y2kk Update: It's been a long time since I had one of those "hell weeks" that I used to talk about all the time as a high school and university student. To be honest, after all the years that have passed since then, I almost started treating those long lost moments of my past as if they were fables and myths and legends that never really took place in history. And yet here I am, back at university, and now all of a sudden it's become painfully obvious once again as I am reminded exactly what the meaning of a goddam hell week is...

The thing about school, unlike being in a standard 9 to 5 job, is that you never really feel like you get to rest as your day is never officially over. You never really get to relax, unless you choose to slack off like I once did, I guess. Sure, it kicks ass to be able to sleep in until 10 am every single dawn, but now I'm back to studying all the way until 3 in the morning. Further pile onto that mountain all the other crap that happens in my daily life, and then all of a sudden, I'm left wondering where the hell I even can find the time and chance to goddam write...

It all started about two weeks ago, what most of North America would've considered to be just the Valentine's Day weekend. Well, it's not like I had any valentine to share the day with, and of course that added to my bitter feelings as it does every single year. Still, this season I was already busy enough thanks to it also being the weekend of Chinese New Year 2010...

It all started off with me having my Information Systems midterm for university the Friday night before, which went alright I guess but I'm still kicking myself for losing out on marks in what was supposed to be my bird course. I was overconfident going into the exam, simply because Information Systems was something I already covered in my computer engineering degree and my daily life at the tech jobs I've had. Because of that, I didn't buy the goddam textbook for the course, instead relying on the online posted Powerpoint slides for the internet section I was enrolled in. Bad idea of course, because for some reason, my professor didn't even bother to mention all the course material in her goddam slides. It would've been fine if there was even one bullet-point about the topics she placed on the exam, as I easily could've looked them up on Google or Wikipedia. But nope, of course not, the bitch was too lazy to do anything but post ancient slides from previous years or some shit like that, and then naturally tested us on theories that I later found were only present in the goddam textbook I was too cheap and lazy to buy. I'm sure I still did fine on the exam, maybe a B+ or A-, but I'm still kicking myself that Information Systems now won't be able to prop up my other marks...

Then came actual Chinese New Year, and like every year, I was busy as can be when it came to family. I forget most of the details about what happened now, but I do remember spending lunch with my grandmother (and arguing with my parents the night before since they weren't letting her come out to dinner in the cold), and I do recall visiting my grandfather at his nursing home and sharing with him some Chinese desserts. Unfortunately, I cannot escape house work even on the most important days of the Chinese lunar calendar, and because the closing date of the sale of our old house was quickly approaching, I spent the better half of my Saturday cleaning up the rooms and clearing out everything we could into the back of the minivan. With my back completely sore and my hands bleeding from the dry air and dirt, that's when we finally left to meet all the relatives for Chinese New Year dinner. I had a good time as usual, as I always do with family. There are some that can't comprehend how I suddenly feel better about life and my place in the universe by simply sitting next to those I grew up with. But I'm just that kind of introvert I guess, as the only real energy I receive from others comes from people I care about and trust. The food wasn't so great, but family always is...

Later that night, that's when my brother and I got together all the cousins, and took my sister and brother-in-law out for their farewell party. My sister wasn't technically going anywhere just quite yet, considering she still had to return to Chicago to finish her MBA at Kellogg's Northwestern, but this would potentially be the last time we would all see her and her husband together until my brother's wedding in August. The thing is, this was the last week that my brother-in-law would still live in Canada, before flying off to China and seeing if he can find his dream job of tons of cash in Asia. My sister will be joining him as soon as her schooling is done, probably in early June, and thus Chinese New Year weekend was sort of the unofficial bookmark moment of when the focus and locus of their lives were changing. It might be months until I see my sister again, so why not treat them out to a little dessert and drinks? It's not like I ever consume any alcohol, but I can always have apple crisps covered in ice cream, which wasn't bad at the Moxie's we went to but nothing to really shout home about. What counted most to me though was that while obviously my sister wasn't too keen on spending a night out with family, I know it still meant a lot to her that we were together...

Sunday was simply more festivities, considering it was the actual date of Chinese New Year. I found it ironic that after the farewell party the night before, after which I didn't expect to see my sister again all the way until August, she dropped by the house and spent the afternoon there with myself and the parents. That was nice of her, and even after she had to leave for festivities with her husband's side of the family that evening, my brother and his fiancee came by later for some dinner and good ol' fashioned television. I enjoy the simple moments in life, and just having family around me makes me forget about all my worries in the world. I'm going to miss my sister, I really am. I guess I should Skype with her at least, but I'm so lazy...

The following Monday was a surprise for me. The previous week, I had received a phone call from a job recruiter with good news for the first time in ages. I had an interview with a small insurance software firm in downtown Toronto, who specifically was looking for a programmer who also had knowledge of the business world (which is exactly what I've been learning at York University Accounting). After getting suited up and surviving the subway trip down from Yorkdale Mall, I walked into that office suite punctual as ever for my interview, only to find that the damn person interviewing me wasn't even there due to illness. WTF? The recruiter never informed me of this, and of course I wasn't given the actual contact information I needed to confirm that my interview would still take place. In the end, it wasn't the worst situation in the world, I ended up having a phone interview with my potential new manager, although the irony of how pointless it was to travel downtown in a goddam suit just to have a phone interview never quite wore off on me. Sure, I was irritated that I had to waste half my day getting to the downtown Toronto core for this crap, especially since my Corporate Finance assignment for university was due just one day later. But the office itself was decent, the managers I introduced myself to all seemed reasonably personable and kind, and I would've loved working there (despite the entry level pay) except for one goddam reason...

Skipping forward by a few days into the week, I did actually receive the phone call asking me to sign on the dotted contract line. In a sense, it was almost a benefit to me that I had a phone interview instead of an in-person one, since the manager was unable to ask me any difficult technical questions without being there in person. They really liked my ability to clearly communicate, and they were impressed with my overall knowledge of business and finance. Without even asking for my contacts, they offered me a job, but unfortunately I felt I had no choice but to decline. When I first accepted this interview, I was never informed by my job recruiter about how much travel would be involved. I would be alright with driving my car around the Greater Toronto Area, and I wouldn't even mind flying to remote locations for a couple of days at a time once in a while. But I never expected that this tiny little office offering such low entry level pay, would be requiring me to travel to Boston for a month at a time, or Quebec City for a month and a half as soon as all my training was done. They offered me the job on the condition that I quit my schooling (or defer all my exams, pretty much), but the issue was much bigger than that for me. I've already spoken about how much I enjoy spending time with my family, and I'm exactly the kind of guy who would rather sit at home watching the game than spend a night out at the pub or something. For such a low salary, why would I of all people want to spend half of my year living in a hotel, never seeing my family except through Skype or maybe on holidays if I'm lucky? Since losing my career in 2008, this was the third job offer I've received. I regret turning down Yahoo, which in hindsight was a bad move for my resume, but I don't regret declining the offer I received last week...

I know it sounds cliche, but I really do enjoy the spoiled sort of self-actualization I get from being a scholar at school again. Ultimately my goal is to use my combined Computer Engineering and Chartered Accountant degrees to start up my own firm, whether it's a computer consulting one, a financial accountant office, or to even restart the business that my parents worked so long and hard to build. I just don't like how goddam busy I feel when it comes to university, especially when so many other things start happening in my life. I already mentioned how the interview last week interfered with my timing for the Corporate Finance assignment I had due last Tuesday. Unfortunately, things just got progressively busier and busier from there, especially considering I had my Statistics midterm this past Saturday night, my Corporate Finance midterm the Sunday morning immediately right after, and lastly my Human Resources project due yesterday (Tuesday) afternoon. That was four major schooling deadlines all due within the span of one week, and I'm honestly now nervous about how I fared with them all. The Corporate Finance assignment was already returned to me with a mark of 73%, which was twice as high as I expected considering how damn hard all the material was. I don't expect better on last Sunday's Corporate Finance midterm however, especially after going through it a second time to check my answers and realizing that I had screwed up at least half of the multiple choice questions thanks to dumb mistakes made on my calculator. As for my Statistics midterm I had on a back to back the night before, it went alright I guess but I had believed the same with Discrete Mathematics back during engineering school, only to soon find what a disaster I was with goddam probabilities. Finally, the Human Resources project (or take-home midterm, if you will) was mainly a joke, but I realize the marking will be subjective and suspect at best and it still took me far too long to write, all things considered...

Having three (or two and a half) midterms in the span of four days was bad enough. Combine that with all the family stuff happening on the side for me as well, and then suddenly I have a recipe for disaster. After my interview last Monday and the Finance assignment due the night after, that's when I had to help my brother-in-law out for the next two days in moving all the remaining junk he couldn't sell from his uptown condo to the basement in our new house. Normally this would not be such an issue, considering he had hired movers with a truck to assist the operation, and the optimal size of our bungalow's basement when not under construction is pretty damn vast. The problem is, the basement is still under construction. Did I mention yet that thanks to my father's impatience, instead of waiting after winter and after my final exams are done to renovate the entire basement, he chose to do it now? Not only is the entire house covered in dust from dry wall and sanding as we speak, but the constant noise coming from the basement and straight through my bedroom's hard wood floors has made it nearly impossible for me to concentrate on studying like I did before. Add to that the fact that the movers my brother-in-law hired were fine with dumping all his stuff outside the basement, and it soon became my job to find a way to compress it all into the remaining limited space that was not being renovated? Goddammit, it takes a lot of time and sadly a lot of strained muscles to find a way to fit an entire condominium's worth of crap into, well, a room that was even smaller than his actual condo. The good news is, my brother-in-law rewarded me for my two day's help by giving me his used PSP-1000. The problem is, getting a new video game system always makes me waste more cash, money I really should not be spending...

Fitting all my sister's and brother-in-law's material possessions into a single damp room was one thing. The problem however was compounded ten fold by the fact that my mom also grew so impatient about the closing date sale of our old house. Originally the house deed would pass between owners in early April, after all my assignments were finally done and before final exams were set to start up. Perfect timing I thought, so obviously my mother wouldn't tell me that she struck a new deal with the buyers to move the closing date up to March 5th. Because of her impatience, which was no smarter in the end than my dad choosing to do basement-wide renovations in February rather than May, I was also forced to help my parents move all the remaining furniture and junk (which we had used for staging) back from the old house and down into, you guessed it, the already double-booked basement at home. Thankfully, this was the afternoon after my Corporate Finance exam so at least it didn't interfere with my studying. But it did significantly cut into my writing time for Human Resources, and it took the entire damn fucking day until nine or ten in the evening to unload everything off of the movers' truck and find a way to somehow cram it all into every nook and cranny we could find in the basement. Now our house looks like an absolute abomination of a flea market, as we were even forced to place sofas and mattresses on top of closet doors that we can't even fucking open anymore. Combine all this junk we had left from our old two story house with that of my sister's now-former condo, and you pretty much get the Berlin Wall...

Between house moving and basement renovation constant noise, to make things even more difficult for me in terms of writing my Human Resources essay due yesterday night, the weather completely crapped out on us and dropped over half a foot of snow here in Vaughan. Normally I would consider snow shovelling to be a fun distraction, but the problem was that I had already procrastinated for almost three hours by vacuuming every single square foot I could find in this house. I'm obsessive that way, but I simply cannot stand (or sleep) in a home that is covered by dirt, where my bare feet don't feel clean or soft as I walk. The movers from that Sunday evening before had left a giant trail of grass, snow, salt and mud wherever they had gone, and it was my duty as the first born son to clean it all the fuck up. I know it was a pointless endeavour in the end, considering the renovators will just dirty the whole place up again with all their sanding and drilling. Still, vacuuming the entire house and washing the goddam tiles free of goddam shit, all over the course of three damn hours, was just something that my obsessive compulsive self had to do. I just didn't expect that mother nature would be a complete bitch and drop over half a foot of snow on us later that same night. It wasn't even fluffy crap like we had gotten earlier in the year, but rather that wet, slushy frozen shit that weighs a ton to move and breaks your back (twice) in the goddam process...

Finally, that brings us to today (Wednesday), my first day mentally off in what seems like goddam forever now. Problem is, my relief will be short-lived, as this afternoon is merely the calm in the eye of the goddam storm. The rest of my schedule for the next week may not be as hectic as it was around Chinese New Year, but it definitely doesn't leave much room for a breather either. Tomorrow I'm returning back to the old house with my parents to move all the remaining garbage (and trust me, thanks to their former renovation business, we still have a ton of junk left filling up our garage) all the goddam way to the landfill waste site to be disposed of. It'll probably take us two or three trips to the dump at bare minimum, and after that I also need to take my mom to the doctor's office for her routine check-up while donating whatever leftover crap we have remaining at the nearby Goodwill store. That's my Thursday...

Saturday is just as busy, considering this coming weekend is officially when my brother is moving back home to live with me and my parents. Well, he'll live with us temporarily of course until August, when he gets married to the love of his life and moves into a house or condo of their choice. I'm actually not too worried about spending two or three trips to his uptown condo (he lives right across Yonge Street from my sister's old place, actually), considering most of it is simple and light, and we no longer need to shove it all into whatever remaining dark recesses and corners of the basement we have left. Instead, he's taking the one completed basement bedroom as his own and we'll simply recreate his condo right then and there, minus the kitchen and laundry room and front foyer with the cliche welcome mat, of course. Naturally, moving shit both up and down in his condo elevator will be time consuming and labouring at best, but I'm still really happy my brother is moving back home even if it's only for a few months, and even if I'll still barely see him most days of the week since he spends so much time out with his fiancee. What I'm worried about though and what I lament the most is the fact that the very morning after I help my brother move all his stuff from his condo to his basement bedroom? Sunday goddam morning, that's when I have my next Management Accounting midterm. Between this and my Thursday crap, when do I have a chance to study?...

My Management Accounting midterm this coming Sunday will be a bitch and a half to prepare for, but I'm actually more worried about my Intermediate Financial Accounting midterm the following Sunday morning. Besides it being aggravatingly early at nine in the morning, I'm extra concerned about that exam because of how busy I'll also be the very night before. Next Saturday is the day that my brother and all his groomsmen spend the afternooon and night together. First we treat him out for lunch I assume, then we go hunt for tuxedos and get our measurements, and finally we have dinner and drinks along with the bride and her bridesmaids which may take us very late into the night. I'm happy to do all of this for my brother, it's the least I could do considering how badly I already botched up the plans for his future Blue Mountain bachelor party (oh right, that was another thing that kept me busy these prior two weeks, but whatever). Still, writing off all of Saturday for pre-wedding festivities, while adding in the fact that March 5th will be the closing date of our house sale and I'll need to return back to my old home of twenty years in order to wash the carpets, rinse shit up, and bid my respects and farewells one final time? Then again, I was also damn busy for my Information Systems midterm, I was busy for Statistics and Corporate Finance back to back, I was busy before Human Resources, and I'll be busy yet again for my Management Accounting one. So sure, I'll be tired as hell at nine am on a goddam Sunday morning for Intermediate Financial Accounting, but at least I can rest assured it's the last of my goddam fucking midterms...

And yeah, that's pretty much what I've been up to. Considering the lazy, lethargical life I live, I don't even remember the last time I ever felt this goddam busy. And you know what the sad part of it all is, or perhaps the sweetest Valentine, however one may view it? No matter what else is on my mind, I still think of the girl I fell for at work. It was both Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year during the same damn weekend (and also Family Day if you live here in Ontario, Canada), so why wouldn't my thoughts still wander over to the only woman I've ever fallen in love with? I wanted to contact her again, I really did, and was devastated yet again when I realized it's been over a goddam year since I last heard from her, and yet still she hasn't even bothered to say hello. I still remember her telling me "okay", when I asked her to call me whenever she's free and wants to talk. Maybe I just missed her call long ago, but somehow I doubt that. It still wounds me every time that I remember how I would always try to make time for her, I would always try to ask her out to dinner or a movie or to just walk her back to Union Station, but she would always simply dismiss me and leave me standing there alone, always citing excuses about how "busy" she was and how she didn't have any time to spend on any given night. The contrast and irony of the situation has never been lost on me. I still care for her with all my heart, and considering the last time I spoke with her was to wish her a Happy Chinese New Year for 2009? Of course I wanted to just call her up and see if she was healthy and safe. No matter how busy I may become, with exams and movers and weddings and interviews to boot, I always still think of her and I always still wish I could make time to just be with her when I feel it matters most. I miss her, even more when I'm busy...

But alright, I guess that's it from me for now. I'm happy I got this all off my chest through writing, but I'm exhausted now and I better get back to goddam studying for Management fucking Accounting. Afterall, tomorrow I'm back at my old house for garbage disposal, Saturday I'm helping my brother move back home, and alas, the weather reports of incoming snow here in Ontario certainly do not look very kind to my schedule. My left arm is sore, my back is hurting, and of course my heart never heals when it comes to those who matter most...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? The goddam eye of the storm, that is...

But at least I survived one half of the hurricane. Another two hell weeks to go...

Y2kk Update: Wow, I haven't written since way back in August? And to be honest, I don't know why I haven't had the will to just sit down at my desk and force myself to write out my thoughts. I get lazier and more lethargical by the year, it seems. I guess there are a lot of possible reasons why, starting from the fact that my family and I moved between houses beginning from around that time period. It took a while for me after that to find the impetus to break out the old computer I always use for my download site, but even after I finally did dust the cobwebs off, I still left my keyboard and thoughts to gather dust. Why is that? I used to love to write, even if I never had an audience. What happened?...

I had lived in that old house of mine for twenty whole years, with our anniversary date being back in November to make it official. I remember when I was just a little child way back in Grade 2; as soon as that for sale sign went up on our first lawn, when we had made it official that we were moving from our tiny first home to the one that just now turned twenty years old, I just sat there staring at the sign through the window for what seemed like hours until I was too tired to stare anymore. Things have obviously changed a lot since then, even though I still have a lot emotionally invested in that old home of ours. Every time I go back to it (since we've been unable to sell it for the past six months now, unfortunately), I just get the feeling that I'm still more comfortable there in those hallways and cramped little bedrooms than I am in this new, lavish house meant to impress. That's not to say I don't feel at home here at the new bungalow we own; home is where your family is, afterall. It's just not the same though, you know? Not for the next 20 years at least, it won't be...

So yeah, I guess I've experienced a lot of tough feelings buried deep down inside when it comes to this move between cities and houses. Maybe because of that, I just didn't feel like writing for all these past months. I mean, I didn't even move over this website computer of mine until two or three months after the initial move, simply because this old desktop of mine was my final symbol of switching between the two homes. Ever since we moved here, things have been up and down for me, to say the least. It's not like I haven't had any good memories here yet, as it's always great to have my brother over for dinners more often, and my friend from Charlotte visiting over the New Year's holidays was great as well. At the same time, mowing this massive lawn, constantly shovelling the goddam driveway, and vacuuming all the god-annoying dark, hardwood floors routinely gets to me on a weekly basis. I also now have the unfortunate memory and guilt of actually allowing my grandma to fall to this cold, hard floor at Christmas, which I still haven't forgiven or forgotten to this very day...

I'm happy at least that my grandmother wasn't harmed. Whenever I still think back to that moment, I can still remember time almost freezing as she began to fall. It's not like I've ever lived through a situation where my life flashed before my eyes, but when you see someone you care about get hurt like that, one can't help but feel a million thoughts rush through the brain all at once yet the damn body is unable to act quickly enough to any of the ideas. At the time, I was distracted because of a semi-argument with my sister we had over the renovations we're doing to the basement in this new house, except it wasn't really a discussion about the basement but rather a transferred statement of loyalty and dedication to the family...

My sister had decided to leave the country in order to first study her MBA in the United States, and now she and her husband are packing up to live in Asia for maybe the next 10 or 15 years of their lives if all goes to their master plan. Of course I was bitter at her, and of course I was upset that she was throwing it all back in my face. So when I was helping my grandma put on her shoes to brave the freezing, Canadian winter outside, I had a momentary lapse in judgment when holding my grandma up on the stool and before I even knew what had happened, I was staring at my grandma as she was face first on the floor, terrified that she had hurt her head or was bleeding from the mouth. I don't remember the last time I was this worried, maybe it was when my grandma got pneumonia and was at the brink of death, perhaps. Call this selfish or egotistical if you will, but what truly shook me to the bone this time around was that it wasn't fate that put my grandma in this position, but it was rather my negligence and goddam stupidity. If she indeed had gotten hurt, it would be my fault and my fault alone. And for the past few weeks, I've still been trying to come to grips with that. I'm thankful my grandma turned out to be fine; she wasn't cut anywhere and the fall was too short to have concussed her brain. Still, I don't want something like that to ever happen again to the grandma I love and care so much for. She forgave me, but I don't know when I will...

Beyond that fearful moment, one that I know I'm being too hard on myself for but I just can't shake the image out of my mind, I guess Christmas turned out pretty good overall. It was great having the entire family over and we all shared a great Christmas dinner together. As the first born son of the household, it was my duty to make the opening speeches apparently on both Christmas Eve and Christmas evening dinner, and unfortunately I flubbed and sputtered through whatever lines I had somewhat put together at the back of my head. Not like it really matters though, I'm not there to impress others but rather just try to make my parents proud of who I am and what our family stands for. And what was most important about Christmas, besides my sister and brother-in-law being there with us for the last Christmas in who knows how many potential years, was that we also invited my brother's soon to be in-laws to share Christmas dinner with us as well. It was the same at Canadian Thanksgiving, minus my sister being there of course, where we invited my brother's fiancee's parents for the first time and everyone had a great experience getting along. It really felt like our family was expanding and it really felt like the spirit of Christmas was with us. I just hope we share the same feelings next year as well, even if my sister is living faraway in Singapore or wherever, and even if this family is all growing older and slowly growing apart...

I actually wanted to write download updates after Canadian Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving (when my sister came home for the first time in months), and Christmas dinner. It's been a long and painful year when it comes to my family, first by having to deal with the aftermath feelings of my grandfather's death, then with my grandma falling deathly ill with pneumonia, and finally with my mother having one of those terrifying nosebleeds that kept her in the hospital for two weeks or more. After everything we had been through for the past year, including the big move from our home of twenty years to this new house and new community, it was nice to hold a few housewarming parties and get family truly together for what may be the last time until my brother's own wedding this coming August. After every single one of these family gatherings and events, I wanted to write about how I felt about my sister leaving, how I still missed my cousin who has to spend all his time at Queen's University in another city, and how things just won't be the same once my brother gets married (even though I am so very happy and grateful that he found someone to love the rest of his life with). Yet of course, at every single one of these family gatherings, whether I was making the speech or the toast or whatnot, I still felt truly alone. I felt so alone that the only woman that I ever fell in love with was not there by my side, and in the end she probably never will be...

This was also the year that I started back at university, and part of the reason why I did so was to try to find the next girl of my dreams that could make me forget all about the woman that I fell in love with. And believe me, going to York University, there were a ton of Asian and Chinese girls there that definitely caught my attention, if only at first glance. I still remember this one girl in my Financial Accounting class who wore an adorable skirt and shoes on the first day, but she just didn't look or feel the same starting from the very day after. I also remember in the cafeteria this gorgeous lady in a tight white blouse and cute little track pants, and I didn't have to guts to say anything to her then and there. But the next time I found her, while obviously her body was still sensational, there was just something about her smile and face that didn't seem so beautiful to me anymore. I know I'm a complete pussy when it comes to talking to women, and I know I shouldn't judge them after just one or two conversations. But after six or seven whole months at York University, after trying to start up conversations with girls in libraries and lectures and goddam bookstores? While obviously there are so many women who are attractive there on first sight, none have had the voice or personality to ever make me feel the same way for them as I did for the girl at work. It's been so long since I last heard her voice, yet hers is the only voice I still hear. This is so sad and pathetic, but this is really how my heart works. Every single time I try to talk to another woman, they only serve to remind me of her. Why the fuck is that?...

I went to York University with the hope of finding a new woman who could make me forget about the lost love of my life, but instead, every day I keep thinking to myself that I wish it was the girl at work with me instead of all these spoiled brats surrounding me at campus. It'll soon be exactly one whole year since the anniversary of the last time I even spoke to the girl I still care about, and I only imagine if I broke my promise and contacted her again, that she would be either completely cold and callous towards me, or even bitter and angry that I haven't spoken to her in so long. I guess it speaks volumes though that every single week, I run those little expectation-scenarios in my head of what would happen if I were just to call her up one day, or if fate would finally put us together and have us run into each other on the street. Every single time I go to downtown Toronto, I keep hoping that she would turn up just around the corner, that we would meet up and end up accidentally sitting next to each other where I'll finally be able to tell her everything that I've ever felt. But every time I return back from downtown Toronto, I just feel so desolate and so lonely knowing that fate would never bring us together, that perhaps the best and only opportunity I had with her was years ago when I blew it and she never looked back. Call me a stalker if you will, but I have indeed kept track of her over the past year at times (for better and for worse when it comes to my sanity), and she's doing fine without me, without a single hint that she ever cared that I said my goodbyes. She seems happy now, so how could I ruin that for her by contacting her again? I've been desperately waiting for some sign to make my return, but nothing ever appears. She's fine without me, yet every day I think of her. I feel like such a goddam idiot...

I'm still unemployed after all these months, though I admit that my search for a job has somewhat diminished since I made my return to university. I'm doing much better at school now than I did at computer engineering at the University of Toronto, though it's not hard to outdo an education where I averaged a C- at best, failed three or more courses and accidentally slept through the last of my final exams. At York University, where I'm now aiming for my Chartered Accountant designation, I'm averaging around a B+ in my financial and accounting courses, and overall probably an A or A- when you factor in the bullshit arts and science courses I needed as pre-requisites. I still don't feel any more confident in myself or my skills than I did before I started though. Every day I'm at school, the same old shit and the same old tired story happens. I try to listen to the professor, I get bored halfway through, I start scanning the room for how attractive all the women look in the room that evening, and then I normally end up disgusted at how expensive their purses are or how they never ever wear the same outfit twice. Or I remember how every time I try talking to one of them, they would end up ignoring me or literally shoo me away like in the case of one Chinese FOB I tried making conversation with. And then of course, I start remembering what I keep reminiscing as the finer and simpler times in my life, when I was still in my old home, when I wasn't disillusioned with my job, when my grandpa was still alive, when my grandmother was still healthy, and when I still had a chance with the girl I eventually fell in love with, in spite of all my best efforts not to. I keep asking myself every single day, what if? I keep praying that she would write about me like I always do about her, but I know she never will. If only...

Well, short story short, it's now a New Year and a New Decade. God, time flies by so damn quickly. I didn't even really notice that I hadn't written on this website since goddam August. Has it really been that many months already? I know I've felt busy with the house move, with being back at university, and with dealing with the family issues of my brother's marriage and my sister leaving to live in Asia. But wow, I've had so much to write about and arguably so much time to do so. Why haven't I bothered, and when will be the next time I write?...

It's going to be a big year for me. I have at least three more terms to finish at university, I have my sister leaving officially in February and my brother getting married in August, and I still need to find a goddam job to bring back some income to this family and to help myself feel a bit more whole again. Of course, I know the real reason and the only real person why I may never feel complete again.  I care about her, I really do, but how can my conscience ever really allow me to speak with her again when I know she sounds so happy without me?...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it? Enough to drive me goddam insane, day after day and time after time...

I guess, we'll see how the New Year turns out for me. 2008 and 2009 were both, to say the least, not very kind...

... but somehow, I just have the feeling, I will make 2010 into something real...