Y2kk Update: I was hoping to save this update until I finally got some goddam good news...

... I never did...

... fuck...

...

... in case you haven't been following my exploits for a while, prepare for some rather gratuitous expletives...

... in case you haven't read anything that I recently wrote, I might as well let you two readers know that I fucking failed this Spring term of university, ready for explusion...

And you know what really disturbs me? I just don't get it. I just don't understand. I just don't fucking know how...

How did I fucking fail?... I know how I failed one course. I got 25% on the midterm, got 50% on the final. I was promised by my professor that if I passed the final exam, I'd pass the course. Then I failed the course, even after passing the exam, and simply shrugged my shoulders in callous despair that my professor was a complete, asshole of a goddam liar... I even confronted him about it at school. He said he passed on my midterm petition, but apparently the course coordinator didn't even goddam give a damn about my personal situation at the time. Apparently, my professor had no power to do absolutely anything, even after fucking promising me that he did... And apparently, passing the final with a mark over twice what I got on the fucking midterm wasn't bloody hell enough for the course coordinator to just shrug and say I deserve a pass in the course... So I wrote again to this course coordinator fucker of mine. I asked him to recheck my exam and please just give me a few more marks, if only to help my sessional average reach the needed 60%. And you know what he wrote back?...

... he fucking threatened me, saying he didn't appreciate being coerced into illegal activities by me or some shit like that...

... yeah... I don't think that exactly counts as good news, now does it?...

Then there was that other course I failed... the one I'm so fucking embarrassed even to write about... I walked into the final exam with a 60%. I thought I passed the final with a 50%... and yet... I ended the course with a fucking 47%? And for who? For what? For why? I don't fucking know... My professor claims that I failed the final exam with a 20%. He even went as far as to claim that I would be in the 30s with my final mark if I wasn't goddam saved by the bell curve... saved, my ass... I mean honestly, WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I went into the final having passed every single fucking test with class average marks. And yet my professor didn't give a single damn that maybe, just maybe, my record in the course proves that I shouldn't have fucking failed the course... And please goddammit, I only needed a few more perfect to pass! And goddammit, he still refused to help me, so I had no choice but to force him to by supplying a goddam medical petition. I have no idea whether I'll be rewarded in the end or not... all I know is, that I'm so fucking screwed...

... yeah... that doesn't count as good news either, I suppose...

Well, here's a mind-tickler for you... There was only one professor that I ever talked to in person after my marks came in. The rest completely shrugged off my requests for personal meetings, and instead chose to just threaten me over the phone and internet... But this one professor alone did agree to see me, although I knew it was really for nothing, considering I got 50% dead on in the goddam course... I mean, I had failed the course once, so I figured that he gave me a saving grace of a perfect pass because he wouldn't let me fail a second time around. The problem was, I refused to believe that I failed the course a second time. I passed the midterm this year with twice the score I did last year, and I couldn't possibly have done that badly on the final exam a second time around, now could I?... could I?...

... oh wait... well... apparently, I did... Because guess what? My professor kindly told me to my face, that I actually failed the course with a fucking 47% this year... again... and, umm...

WTF?!

I failed... the course... a second time... with a fucking 47%... the same, exact fucking 47% that I fucking failed the course with last year?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

...

... yeah, well... it seemed that my professor didn't even remember who I was in the end. I started talking about getting the same mark last year (yet he wouldn't pass me last year...), but he didn't even have a clue what I was saying, so I just shook his hand, thanked him from the bottom of my heart for his generosity (which was a bloody hell year late), and then set off, fully knowing that I was still fucking screwed because I couldn't get any more help out of the guy... I mean, now I felt even worse. Not only did I fail two courses this term, but I actually fucked up three. And one of those fucking courses was the same, exact course that fucked me over last year? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!!?...

... the fucking thing is, I was doing well in that course... the fucking thing is, I was doing well in the other course I failed as well... and you know what the fucking saddest part of it all is? I was completely goddam floored and dumbfounded when I first got my marks back, because up until I saw that screaming face of the devil (my own reflection in the monitor, might I add), not only was I doing well in every course this year, but I fucking felt like I did well on all the goddam finals as well...

I mean honestly, what the fuck happened?...

For my Operating Systems course, I thought I aced that exam. And what did I end up with in the course somehow? Thanks to the midterm I thought I aced as well but horribly failed, I ended with a 61%... no help there... And what about my networking course? After all the labs I spent weeks and months on in that course, I went into the final with what I considered to be a decent mark, and somehow fucked up the exam enough that I only ended up with a 70%... But there was one last course that could've saved my ass, and I knew that it would. I was sure in my heart that it would... I mean, sure I thought I passed my Complexity final, and ended up getting less than half of what I bloody hell expected. And sure, I thought I aced my OS and Networking exams, and ended up with barely passing marks on either of those finals... But a lot of the questions asked on those exams were subjective. Not everything was set in Camelot stone... Apparently, every professor hates me and my handwriting, or just hates my goddam websites, so...

There was this one last Samurai of a course that I knew I would do well in. There was one last course that I beat class average on the midterm, I beat class average on all the labs, and I was heading into the final exam with over an 80% in. And it was this one last course that I absolutely, positively, 100% guaran-damn-teed knew that I fucking aced the final... I went in, recognized almost every single question instantly like the back of my masturbating hand, and finished nearly every single question in just a flick of a snap. I double checked it once, double checked it twice, just in case I was naughty or nice... And even after the exam, I compared my answers to my friends, and we all got the same damn things! I even counted all the marks I was 100% sure of on the exam, and there was no fucking way I was getting less than an eighty fucking percent in the course... there was absolutely no way out... and I desperately needed an 83% in the course to get the 60% term average I so desperately needed to move onto fourth year. And it really, truly showed my confidence in this one course alone, that I honestly believed I could get that 83% I needed, to have a fighting chance at passing fucking third year of computer fucking engineering...

I was so damn sure... my Computer Hardware mark - the final mark... that was what I was waiting for, to write this very update... that was what I was waiting for - at last, good news... just a drop of water... just a grain of mana... just, something... anything... goddammit, please, anything...

... yeah, well...

Fuck.

...

... I mean, what the fuck?!...

How is this even possible? What the fuck happened?!?

I ended the course... with a 72%... a 72 fucking percent?

A SEVENTY-TWO FUCKING PERCENT?!?

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could've gone wrong on that exam. I counted marks, I compared answers, I studied like a bitch. I knew my fucking stuff, so what the fuck happened?... but does it even matter anymore?... with my term average now a dismal 57%, I knew I fucking failed the term, and only my goddam medical petition could save me now... but just out of curiousity... I was sure that the only way I could've dropped below an eighty in that goddam curse of a course, was if there was somehow a negative bell curve... so I called up some of my computing friends... and what the fuck do you know? What the fuck?... We had all compared answers after the exam. We had all the same damn answers... And yet their marks ended up in the A regions? And yet mine dropped ten fucking percent? TEN FUCKING PERCENT?!?

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HAPPENED?!?...

... motherfucker...

After going into the final exam with an A, I dropped ten fucking perfect in the easiest yet hardest working course of the year?... In networking, I worked my damn ass off on all those labs, only to drop five fucking percent after the final I thought was straight forward?... In Operating Systems, I spent those two entire damn weeks of my life dedicated to nothing else but redeeming myself for that midterm, and yet look what the fuck happened? I barely pass the fucking course that was fucking goddam easy as dirt to me... And what the fuck happened with my other courses? How the fuck did I fucking manage to fall fifteen fucking percent in one goddam course, and ten fucking percent in the other?... Ironically, the only course that I actually improved on after the finals, was the goddam course that I was already getting fucked in after that massacre of a goddam midterm... honestly, what the fuck is wrong with me?...

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?

...

I'm not normally one for superstitions, but I don't know... I just don't know... there's a homeless man near the streets of my university. Traditionally, I give him a few dollars every exam season (yes, just a few dollars - I'm that cheap...), just in the hope that a selfishly-motivated good deed could keep me out of the probation penalty box for one more year... just one more year... the problem is, I forgot to pay the piper this year... I forgot that he was even there, thanks to the construction being done in the area... and now I'm fucked... now I'm his bitch...

All I can do now is pray... I've paid for all of my exams to be remarked. I've submitted my medical petition, although I now regret that I didn't put the courses that I thought I'd do well on in the petition as well (I never thought I'd drop 10% in Computer Hardware... so I didn't put it on the petition to get my final exam dropped... I really am a stupid assclown, now aren't I?...).... but besides all this, and talking to my professors? Is there really anything else I can do?... I fucking failed my third year of engineering. In a year where all my friends have left for co-op jobs or fourth year design projects, in a year where nobody is standing still but I, I don't even know what the fuck is going on. I don't even know which way is up...

...

... the part that still kills me inside, the wound that still guts my entrails, is that I honestly thought this was going to be one of my best damn semesters of school, ever... seriously, I was doing well in each and every course. I didn't play video games during exams, nor watch a load of TV (except for the Maple Leafs games... fucking Leafs...)... I concentrated hard during the finals, and I thought I did reasonably well on each and every single one of them. I thought I guaranteed myself a B average this term, I honestly did... and now look at the fucking mess I've gotten myself into, and I honestly don't fucking know how...

... how the fuck could things go so wrong, when they felt so right?...

... how the fuck could I get so fucked?...

... that's the paradox I'm facing right now... that's the paradox I simply cannot resolve...

... and I was hoping that I wouldn't write a new download update until I finally got some good news. I was waiting for my Computer Hardware mark to show up, as maybe an 85% to save my term average, or for the exam committee to finally e-mail me back with good news about accepting my medical petition... I was hoping that one of my professors would find a huge mistake on my exams in terms of marking... Maybe they even got my name wrong? I don't know... I can only wish... wish upon on a star... dare to dream, I always say...

... but have I heard anything? Do I expect anything?... Do I have any hope or chance of goddam surviving at all?... at all?...

...

... fuck...

... fuck this...

... I never did...

... and the only thing I do know, is that I honestly don't know why...

ATI: Seems ATI is discussing their X800 series now. Too bad for me, because I haven't even heard of it. Bloody hell... oh well, go ahead and have a bloody hell good time being smarter than I am at: http://techreport.com/etc/2004q2/nalasco/index.x?pg=1.

ATI: ATI did a little chat, according to Rage3d. Don't know what they said, but I'm sure if you're a mipmapping fan, you'll be thrilled or some crap like that at: http://www.ati.com/online/chat/.

ATI: ATI released a press release about their lastest trilinear filtering techniques or whatever. I didn't read what they wrote, and right now, I really don't care... but if you're still in the honeymoon phase, then go ahead and howl at the moon at Rage3d: http://www.rage3d.net/board/showthread.php?threadid=33759335.

Y2kk Update: What a horrible, shitty week for me...

I know it's become cliche for me to say that, but honestly... what a shitty, horrible week for me...

I'm so fucking dead...

To be honest, I'm not even in quite the mood to write right now. I can't even type on my goddam keyboard properly without one of my hands shaking furiously beyond relief (although that may be due to the bitter cold Spring outside more than my current condition). I'm slightly sick right now too... My throat is aching, my cough is back, and my stomach is painful as always. But the problem is, I don't know whether I'm actually sick or not, or just hoping that I'm sick for reasons that will become all too clear below...

A lot of little things went wrong in my life this week, not all of them directly being my problems though... But there were two goddam problems that stood out above all the rest, the first of which literally broke my heart and a hundred thousand others as well...

The Toronto Maple Leafs got fucking eliminated from the NHL playoffs...

Now I know this happens every year, but it simply shattered my heart into a million grains of shards of glass to see them lose an overtime heartbreaker, because I seriously thought they could win the game... I seriously thought they would win the game... and when they didn't? When the crowd went absolutely mute and dreadfully silent for the longest damn minute that I have ever sat there shocked, I got that horrible sinking feeling in my gut, you know?... The kind of which settles in when you know you're a cow or sheep simply slatted for slaughter... I know it's dumb of me to put a game of ice hockey as one of the things that went terribly shitty for me this week, but dammit, I am Canadian. And it's true - the Leafs' elimination in the second round at the hands of the hated Flyers, drove a stake into my heart and a wedge right between my already wounded gut... I really thought the Leafs would win this year... it made me sick when they didn't...

... that's the true mark of a dedicated, diehard fan then, I guess... blind faith in a team that everyone else on the face of the planet knows is going to lose...

Then I guess I have a lot of diehard fans myself then, myself included, even though none of them ever read this website, mind you?... because I really thought I'd pass... I really did... and none of my friends doubted that I'd pull yet another final exam time miracle this year...

But goddammit, marks just came in the other day... and I can't believe it... I honestly cannot fucking believe it...

How the fuck did I end up with marks even worse than I went into the exams fucking with?...

... how the fuck did I fail the entire year?...

...

Last year, I failed one course and thought it was the end of the world. It wasn't though - I soon learned that I could still carry on with school, except I'd be stuck with six courses as the cross carried on my back instead of five... But this year, it's different. I failed two fucking courses. And after talking to the professors last year, I know deep down in the depths of my heart, that officially, anyone who fails more than one fucking course fucking fails the entire term... which means I can't move onto fourth year until I manage to pass one of my fucking courses, or simply take the whole damn term over again next Spring...

I still haven't told my dad about all this yet... he thinks I only failed only one course so far, and yet he's already yelling at me like there's no tomorrow, as if I'm a bastard son or some crap like that...

I suppose I deserve it... I know I deserve it...

God... I'm so fucking dead...

I can try to petition off that I had six courses this term, and that my sessional cumulative average would've been a pass if only that sixth course didn't count. I mean, I fucking got exactly a 50% in the same fucking course that I got a 49% in last year! How the fuck could I have done that damn badly on the final, for the second fucking year in a row? I'll never know... all I know, is that thanks to that one damn course (and the two I failed), my term average is below the 60% I need to pass the year. And even if I can manage to fix that goddam wolf of a blemish on my record, then I still can't fucking pass the year, because I still would have two failed courses in a single term on my fucking resume... My parents are going to kill me when I finally tell them...  I mean, I'm not only wasting their money. I'm embarrassing them as the eldest son in the family, and I just can't do that... I just can't let myself do that, even at the cost of my principles...

Which brings me to my surprisingly coincidental illness right now... My throat is sore and raunchy in two different spots, and to be honest, this isn't the first term it's been like this. My throat seems to hurt whenever I eat a bunch of chocolate - I'm afraid I'm just goddam allergic to one of my favourite foods or some crap like that... But the thing is, I'm desperate. I really am... I'll be going to the doctor's for a medical note today, and I'll sadly do what I swore never to do... I mean, it's not like I'm going to lie. My throat does hurt, and I have had coughing and headaches (and heartbreaks) for about three weeks now, even since my friend found out that he had strip throat. I'll ask that the doctor write that all down the medical clearance note... But c'mon already! There's a reason why I was feeling all this during the final exam period, just like I feel sick every goddam exam period... I know the real reason why...

Because I was goddam afraid...

Because I'm always goddam afraid...

... and I'm going to pass off fear as my goddam excuse to pass one of the fucking courses that I failed? Sure, it's a bitter pill to swallow... more painful than it is for me right now to swallow a gulp with my goddam throat, but still... What fucking choice do I have? I don't even think the note will help, considering it'll be dated May 8th and not the days of the exams...

... either way, I'm so fucking dead...

I mean, I've tried to look at the bright side of things. I wanted to skip a year of school anyways to find a job, right? I wanted to graduate a year late so I could be with my friends who took a whole year of co-op, didn't I?... but it was not in my fucking plans to waste $4000 of my parents' money. It was not in my fucking plan to retake courses that I worked so goddam hard in this year to fucking pass, and to fucking pass well... I don't understand what the fuck happened with that fucking CSC366 course of mine! I went in with a 65%, and walked out with a 47%?! The same fucking mark as the goddam fucking course I failed last year? What the fuck is going on here?!... And when I contacted my fucking Russian professor for that fucking CSC course, he just said that I should be grateful that he normalized the course, otherwise my mark would be even lower than it is... And what? WHAT THE FUCK?! Why the fuck would he have to normalize the course when the class average going in was 70%, and the rest of the fucking class said the exam was easy as dirt? I even counted the marks that I knew I got right on the exam - I should've at least gotten a fucking 45% on the exam, while my professor claimed I got less than 25%... How hard the fuck did he fucking mark anyhew?... Honestly...

Why the fuck do I never have fucking luck in the goddam Spring term?... I'll never know...

All I know now, is that my parents are killing me inside, just for failing one course... so honestly, I just can't wait to see their reactions when they learn I failed the whole fucking semester... And I feel terrible inside. I honestly don't know what happened! Last year, I had the sorry excuse that I played video games during the exam break, and that I watched television. But besides for the goddam losing Maple Leafs, I didn't watch any television this year. And I fucking didn't play any video games... And I know that I studied just as hard, if not harder for this term's finals as I did for the Winter term's. Sure, that doesn't amount to much in the end, considering I barely studied for either term at all, but still... Why the fuck do I always end up passing the first term of school, no matter how badly I was doing in its courses? Why the fuck do I never get lucky the second term around?...

Oh God... I'm so fucking dead... I'm so dead, that it's simply not funny...

So yeah... considering even more terrible things happened to me and my family this week, I'd sure as hell say this was a pure, shitty, horrible week for me to live. If I survive it, that is... I'll do almost anything to pass this fucking term, except maybe take a bullet or a cock shot from a deprived professor or a BC judge, but that's besides the point... either way, I'm just sorry. I'm just so very sorry... I tried my best. Maybe not my hardest, but my best... and I somehow did worse than I ever possibly imagined... I just don't understand...

That's my problems with the exams... I just never understand...

... what a horrible, shitty week it's been for me...

... what a horrible, shitty week...

Y2kk Update: There's one thing that always manages to catch me off guard, no matter how many times it happens... no matter how high I keep up my guard, regardless of whether I choose to or not...

When someone finds my website...

My old lab partner from freshman year at university somehow managed to find my noname site early this year sometime, by looking up crap about one of the courses we had taken together on google. And the thing was, when he brought it up to me that he had found my website... instead of saying something - just anything - that was remotely intelligent, I, umm... just scoffed, waved the whole fiasco off, said that everything I wrote was pure crap, autonomously changed the subject, and then walked away pretending like not a single thing had been said or uttered at all... and, umm... yeah, that's technically not how I wanted to handle the situation. And that's not how anyone would ever want to handle a situation...

And the same thing pretty much happened to me the other night... A close friend of mine found my noname site and told me about it the day after he did. And instead of just taking some deep breaths and asking what I really wanted to know (which quite frankly, was what he thought of what I had written), I just wrote the stupidest thing into our MSN Messenger chat window instead... I told him that, once again, everything I wrote was pure crap, and that I really didn't want to talk about my website at all. And, umm...

I guess I never learn my lessons, now do I?

... the thing is, why the hell am I so damn secretive and so damn sensitive about safeguarding a bunch of crappy websites of mine that I literally put all my heart, soul and time into?... so much to the point where the only adjective I have for them is "crappy"... Why do I completely keep them secret, even to my friends, and then write it all off when they finally do discover it on their own? Hell, why do I pretend like I don't want them to find my websites in the first place, when that's really all I ask of them?... it's never really made logical sense to me. My own logic, I mean... but I've known a possible answer to all this for a very long time...

That I, simply put, am goddam afraid of criticism.

So damn afraid of criticism, that the first way I reaction to almost every situation, is to simply pretend like I never cared about the subject at hand in the first place...

And a perfect example of that happened this past Monday.

I mean, I'm still not really sure why this incident has been bugging me so damn much. And yet it has, simply because it came at a time when I least expected it, and least wanted it... Because you see, I had just come out of my final exam of the entire university year. Spring was here, my birthday had past, and half of my university friends were leaving for co-op jobs, leaving me universally guessing whether I'd ever be able to talk to them face to face again for a very long time... And after I had said my goodbyes (and after a couple of good friends fucking left before even saying goodbye...), I headed my way to the video game store that I always buy my games from, to indulge in the materialism that I so often do when depressed. And why do I always waste my money on this one store alone?... I mean, it's there that prices are good, but not always the best. It's there that I always end up buying games that I know I never will like nor need... but to be honest, there's really only one real reason why I choose to keep buying from this one place alone... Because quite frankly, I like the owner. He's nice to me, that's all... Even if I have to spend more of my money on a game, I'd still rather give the money to him than some Wal-Mart corporation that is simply impossible to care for or trust.

But something happened on Monday, something so minor that I really, really, ridiculously doubted whether it would even be download.mycrowsoft.com worthy or not... Because the thing is, for the first time in three years, the game store owner actually snapped at me... I mean, I can sort of relate as to why... I saw a game that I wanted, but not at the price that I wanted. And knowing that the copy he had on show was used and scratched, I was hoping he wouldn't have another copy on hand, so I could use the damage on the disc as an excuse to haggle for a lower price... So I asked him a first time whether he had a second copy of the game or not, and he clearly said no, in a very polite and palatable fashion might I add. The thing is, I still wanted the game - just not a scratched version for a price higher than it was worth, that's all... I didn't want to bother him though, so just when I was about to leave, he came over to me once again and started looking through the shelves behind him. Imagining that perhaps, just perhaps he was double checking whether he had a second copy of the game or not, I asked him again if the copy in my hands was the only copy in the store. And I could've sworn, I really could've sworn, that he said he might had another copy somewhere... And since he was looking through his cabinets, I waited until he was done searching to ask him one final time: "did you find an extra copy of the game"?...

... and, um...

... that's when he sort of snapped...

... kinda out of nowhere...

He started lecturing me on, quite frankly, being a pain in the ass. He claimed he was obviously "busy" (even though there were only a couple of others in the store at the time), yet I was asked him "three times" the same question, which he clearly answered the first time I asked it... He said he didn't have the time nor capacity to put up with my failure to listen, and quite honestly, even though my mistake was not intentional, I did have to agree with him there. My overzealous hope of getting a discount on the game, I guess made me hear and see things that I wanted to see, and nothing more... And I wanted to explain myself to him, until I realized that the store owner surely didn't have the "time" nor capacity to listen to an apology if he wouldn't even put up with three short questions from a longtime buyer. So all I could say was "sorry", and hope that I could get past the whole snapping ordeal to get down to the haggling business at hand...

... and you see, that's what bugging me so damn much...

... I couldn't.

I couldn't get past the criticism. I couldn't see past the lecture... Sure, in the end, I did myself a favour. I saved myself forty bucks by not buying a game that was slightly overpriced and not rare whatsoever. Because quite frankly, when I tried to say something - just anything - after my whimper of an apology, I fucking found that my throat couldn't utter a single damn thing... From just one meaningless moment of attitude from a man who's shown me nothing but patience for three years straight, I was literally so damn engulfed in my own damn sorrow that I couldn't even ask for a fucking discount?... and because I couldn't say anything, I just decided to leave. I mean, I was fucking embarrassed deep throat in my heart! Not just because I got lectured by a man who was supposed to act as if the customer was always right... but also because I was so goddam embarrassed from such a triteful little moment of criticism, that I couldn't even goddam believe it. I honestly couldn't fucking believe that I'm still that damn pathetic and weak. What was I thinking?

What was I thinking to actually feel hurt?... What was I fucking feeling to actually just walk out of there, like a loser with a broken heart?...

... but I guess I am one. A broken record of a broken heart, scratched beyond repair... Just three days after that, the very moment that one of my friends just mentions my website, I freeze up yet again... and almost as if I was ready to curl myself to sleep in the goddam fetal position or some crap like that, I just instinctively ignored my friend and completely changed the subject before I even had a chance to figure out what the hell I was saying...

So honestly, why the fuck am I that damn afraid of criticism? Why the fuck am I that damn sensitive to cynicism? How could I possibly be so damn critical of criticism, that I wouldn't even look the store owner in the eyes, the same damn eyes that have shown me nothing but smiles and rewarding patience for three fucking years straight?... Why couldn't I have told the truth, that I don't think my webpages are pure crap, to that old lab partner of mine who found my noname site this year?... And why the fuck couldn't I have just stopped myself from doing the same damn thing, repeating history, with that close friend of mine that perhaps I should've told my webpage about so long ago?...

Why the fuck am I so damn scared?...

... and, well... because of the events of the past week, something really stuck to me, that thing you do, after flipping to and fro to the Wednesday night airing of American Idol... The bastardly Simon Russell Crowell or whatever his name is, was giving a compliment to the 16 year old boy (who couldn't sing anything but elevator music), that at least he took all the Simonian criticism like a pure gentleman. He just accepted it all with a smile, tried his best to improve, and never ever did lash back. For someone so young, he truly was a man... And dammit, sure it's ironic that he was then voted off the show the very next day. Guess compliments aren't his forte... but still...

I wanted that....

Not the being kicked off of the show part, but of being the man who can take criticism for what it's worth... Honestly, no matter how hard I fucking try, why the hell do I always keep myself censored? Why the hell do I always keep myself safe and sensitized?... It's because of this same damn reason that I'm afraid of the Design Project I'll have to do next year in university. It's because of this same damn reason that I'm terrified of ever getting a goddam interview for a job... I mean, I logically know that just talking to a damn corporate rep would have no lasting effect on my permanant record or rep. But honestly! I'm just so fucking retardedly terrified of being metaphorically, melancholically spit on in my goddam face, that I'm even willing to incur the safe spit shootings of my goddam parents for always going home empty handed...

I mean, why the fuck would I become so damn wretchedly morbid, from just ten fucking seconds of a lecture from a man who's only shown me kindness before this day?

I didn't even care whether he was right or wrong... I didn't even mind whether I was right or wrong... all I could think about, was that somebody was not happy with me. That somebody out there was disapproving of me... and somehow, that fucking goddam feeling froze every single bone in my body except those in my goddam legs that walked right on out of there... I ran like a chicken with the goddam bird flu... And because of that, I expect future consequences whenever I try buying from the same man again. Not because I don't trust him... but because goddammit, I simply can't trust me.

... and, well...

... after realizing this all, I started talking to my friend the next day about my website, finally asking him the questions that I wanted to know the night before, like what he thought of a certain article that he read. But he wasn't biting this time around - either I had scarred him, or he simply wasn't interested in my website anymore, I'll never know... All I know, is that after I asked him, before I felt a rush of disappointment at an opportunity long lost and forever young...

... before all that... I sadly felt relief...

I guess I never do learn my lessons, now do I?...

... because goddammit, it always sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

ATI: Well, not much news on the computing front, actually. Saw over at Rage3d though that Avault Hardware has a comparison up between Abit's 9800XT and the Sapphire Ultimate 9800XT. Go ahead and indulge yourself in fantasies of unstoppable juggernauts of video cards at: http://www.avault.com/hardware/getreview.asp?review=9800xtru.