Y2kk Update: Mixed aggregate feelings. That's what I have, for a lot of reasons at work this week...

... but I really don't want to go through all the details... it's just not worth it anymore, at this point...

A pseudo-brief synopsis though, by my standards at least? Woe is me, but works for me...

First things first, to go along with my upcoming year in review at my goddam job, I've gotten sort of a pseudo-promotion. It's been a long time coming, as I always expected to be important enough in the building to be moved onto the only goddam project that's earning the cash they pay me. Instead, I've been stuck on the same old project for a year, one that I still don't honestly believe the company actually cares about any longer. And because of that, I've felt like my job was in constant jeopardy, simply because I had no real importance or relevance being there then if the project was suddenly cut from the budget. No real security, full time or not, more or less...

But now, it seems that I'm being pushed into an intermediate developer's role in the most important project in the goddam company. This is what I've been telling myself I wanted for months now; this was honestly what I believed I wanted for months. But the thing is, now that I'm leaving behind the safety net of my old project, perhaps for good (except to train whichever n00bs they hire for my goddam horrible coding style)? I don't know if I like this feeling, that's all...

It is a new feeling, and I'm never one for new goddam experiences until they become old ones of habit. Everything is sort of confusing to me again, and I'm not just talking about the coding from others that I'm now scouring through for hints. Obviously, I'll have to deal with different management and a different status at work more or less. I may be officially becoming an intermediate developer, but I was already essentially one of the top developers of my tiny little project from the past year. But now there are tons of senior and intermediate programmers above me, and it's weird being the code monkey junkie that just follows all their orders blindly once more. Follow the leader is not what I had in mind when I essentially got promoted, but what else was I to expect?...

New management in terms of business requirements is definitely a concern for me as well. Too long have I been working on a small time project that I knew like the back of my hand, and basically wrote with my ten goddam fingers. Management was much more lax on that project, simply because there was no need to rush anything when the software would probably not garner us any money for the next few years anyhew. But this new project, the important one? It's the task that pays the cheques in the company, and of course now I'm starting to feel the pressure to learn my shit fast and get in gear. I do know my stuff, but it's a pain in the ass to build on top of other people's code, especially when there's no real high level documentation to give me a starting vantage point. It's not like I'm lost or anything, but the lack of direction right now is concerning in the sense that I feel like such a n00b once more. I don't like the feeling of new things, you know. I just ain't that type of person in terms of personal confidence...

But you know what was one of the things that pissed me off most this week? It had half to do with the fact that I essentially got promoted, more or less. It's just that, things just won't be the same anymore in a whole lot of aspects. I may still sit in the same place, I may still be coding relatively the same kind of shit. But relationships with people, and the people you get to work with? Things change, for better or for worse...

So yeah, I have been hurt this week by a lot of things, and one of them was something I didn't even think of when I was first called in to see the boss for my new role in the company. Because the thing is, every morning the girl at work I care for would come over to my desk area and chat with me for about twenty or thirty minutes a morning. Sometimes it would be for work, considering we were working on the same project more or less. But other times, it was just to see her fair face and ask how she was faring. Once more with feeling, you know...

It was a stinger on Thursday, when she told me she had no real reason to come over in the morning to my area anymore since we weren't on the same project any longer. While I understand her reasoning, I just didn't expect her to say that. And while I admit now that it was silly of me to overreact, what she said did hurt my feelings at the time. Now, I'm sure I would've been fine with this change, if only things had gone well on Wednesday and the latter part of Thursday as well. But unfortunately for me, this goddam revelation in our working relationship was just one of the many reasons why I was so goddam moody and pissed off this past week and all...

... and naturally, most of the reasons had to do with her...

It's just not worth getting into the details, again and again and again. But to put it succinctly, short story short, whenever I feel the two of us are getting close? She just has this way of knocking me down ten fucking pegs or more, giving me signal after signal after intangible signal that she wants to be nothing more than colleagues or friends, really. The fact that she wouldn't visit in the morning was just one of the ways that she seemed to tell me this week to simply back off and give her breathing room and space. And so I did, with personal painful results, but also a single fitting conclusion that once again I find I have to force myself to fake to accept...

And as a result? Friday evening was embarrassing, degrading, and goddam demoralizing...

... but sadly, it was still better than if I had taken my ball home with me that same goddam night...

Now sure, it wasn't a fun night by any means. But it definitely was a funny and amusing one, in tried and tired retrospect, at least...

Because goddammit, there are those times that I can just read her eyes and I know that she's interested in me, you know? It's just that, it's moments like those from this entire past week, that hollow me out and force me to acknowledge that she just isn't interested enough to ever let me get closer than we are...

... but like I said, it's not worth getting into the details...

Mixed aggregate feelings, I said. Which somehow reminds me of kiwi as a fruit, but that's a random story for another day...

Because once again, short story short? For some damn reason, I'm still at the same company as I was before, I still sit at the same desk, I'm still getting paid the same amount of shit, and I'm still typing away at the same damn programs and programming as I was just last week...

... yet everything feels different somehow, you know?...

I thought that this is what I wanted. I convinced myself that this is what I wanted...

But I guess, I just never know what I goddam want...

... well, except for one scenario... the one always on my mind...

... but the choice in that matter is just not mine to make...

Y2kk Update: A fifteen thousand dollar raise? Can I honestly ask for a fifteen thousand dollar raise? WTF?...

I went to lunch with a couple of coworkers today. I have my first ever yearly review as a full time employee coming up at the end of June, or so I've been told by management (when they offered me a decent three grand bonus for the past year, might I add). And to be perfectly honest? Yes, I am a tad bit nervous about the whole yearly review shit already...

This has been my first job as a full time employee. This is the first time where I will actually have enough importance in a company to negotiate a raise, a promotion, or whatever sort of shit I want. Provided that I do it all right, of course...

... which is obviously why I'm nervous...

Short story short, I'm being paid 45K a year right now. Which isn't a bad lump of money considering I was fresh out of university, but it doesn't really look good when you realize that a) I already had almost a year's worth of experience at a previous developer's job and b) I had a secondary offer at the time for 56K at another government job. Of course, the reason why I stayed at the company I was already at had everything to do with the full time status sort of shit that I'm going through now. Vacation time and benefits were definitely a plush plus, but even more than that, I wanted the power to negotiate and get a raise come the Y2kk year in review. I just honestly didn't believe I'd last or stay at the company long enough to see the full year through, that's all...

So now that I've been caught completely blind-sided by my own laziness and folly, still being at a company I claim to loathe and despise, I started asking questions around to a few guys I trust at the company, to see if I am being paid unfairly or not...

And the verdict of this lunch? It was yes and no, more or less. For an entry level developer right out of university at this company, 45-50K was the norm, so no real fault there. However, it seems that a lot of employees got raises around the six month mark of their job period, when I got diddly squat. And it seems that for a developer with a year's worth of experience under their belt, salaries normally start around the 55K mark...

I have more than a year's worth of experience now, even at this one company alone that I'm at. And considering that I'm supposed to be important to their cause (depending on what the company direction honestly is), my coworkers actually argued that I should be asking for sixty fucking grand. I mean, I should settle for 55K if that's the way it has to go, considering a ten thousand dollar fucking raise is huge enough for me. But all they were saying was that compared to other people inside the corporation, most of which do much less than I do (which is sad and scary, considering I really do nothing)? If they're making 55K after a year or even after six months, then I deserve sixty fucking grand...

But how ridiculous is that to demand? To go into negotiations, and basically argue that I deserve a fifteen thousand dollar raise? I mean, I can hope that maybe my employees will keep that in mind, considering I have been paid relative peanuts for almost a year now. Maybe they'll just offer me 55K on the table right away, and that after I suggest sixty, we compromise on 58K or some shit like that, which I would be more than content with. For the time being, at least...

A fifteen fucking thousand dollar raise...

... seems ridiculous, but I had two other coworkers all arguing that that's the truth of the company...

Of course, I could go all paranoid and just imagine that the both of them are trying to play politics and make me look like a goddam fool in negotiations. But there's also a third party a month back whom I heard similar stories from, and I'm definitely inclined to believe in her...

I would love to make sixty fucking grand a year, especially at a job where quite honestly, I do look at what all the n00bs are doing and basically see all the mistakes they're making in both concept and programming. I do have a lot of experience at this position, and quite honestly, it is kind of an interesting feeling when you can start looking at other people's work with a raised audit of an eyebrow instead of just a whole lot of goddam clueless confusion...

Would I stay at this company for 55K? Yes, of course I would. But anything less, and then what? Do I really have the guts to just walk away and start anew at some other company that will treat me like dirt for yet another goddam year?...

... which is obviously why I'm worried...

A fifteen fucking thousand dollar raise would be nice...

... hells bells, it'd be more than just nice...

But can I honestly ask for that without looking like a goddam fool?...

... well, that's the million dollar question for you right then and there...

Y2kk Update: Last week, I promised myself that I wouldn't write about her anymore...

... the girl at work, I mean...

I lied...

... obviously, I lied...

Simply put, she's all I think of...

... who then or what else on God's green earth would I ever write about?...

Well, hopefully this week will be the last time I basically talk about her without her knowing. It's not just that I'm afraid that she'll find this blog of mine or anything. It's just that, I really do care about her, and the whole deception of keeping my websites from her knowledge is starting to wear thin on my conscience, that's all...

I don't know though. I don't even know if she has any real interest in me, as anything more than a friend, honestly...

I mean, why should she? She's a computer science graduate, and was completely shrouded and surrounded by tens of dozens of men at her university that were all far smarter, far more personable, and far more goddam attractive than I will ever be. It still boggles the mind that she of all girls actually seemed interested in me in the first place. It was her that first initiated contact between us at the Christmas Party, and it was her that I caught looking at me with the corner of her eye all those months ago. Mind boggling and quelle bizarro, really...

Mixed signals though, I always say. I'm confused as fuck still, as one day I get the impression from her like she wants me to hold her in my arms. Yet the next day, she treats me like a coworker and nothing more, left out in the cold...

Wednesday was a prime example of that. I mean, most of last week and also on Tuesday, we had spent walks to the train station together. Every afternoon, I would always ask if she wanted company, and then when she said yes (either out of desire or simply out of politeness), I would tag along for half an hour or so along the way. And everything seemed fine between us at first on Wednesday, as we chatted away on instant messengers like we always do during the work day...

The thing is though, she wasn't feeling all that well that day, and I understand that. But she hadn't been feeling well either all last week thanks to a 'bout with sickness and allergies, yet she always stayed by my side anyhew. We always leave work together around 5:30 to 5:40 in the afternoon, but on that Wednesday afternoon instead? The thing is, even after I had messaged her, asked her if she wanted my company, and she responded with the exact quote of "ok, cool"?...

Ten or fifteen minutes before we were scheduled to leave, I received an instant message from her suddenly and succinctly stating, "okay, leaving now; see you tomorrow". And then that was it, she basically told me off with an oh snap and a slap to the face, that she didn't want my company. I mean, I could've dealt if she had politely said that she needed some private alone time, as I would've felt a bit down from that but at least not insulted. Yet here, even though everything seemed to be going fine between the both of us on Tuesday and the better part of Wednesday, she just left me out in the bitter cold with a vague instant message that I didn't even have proper time to respond to. WTF?...

So yeah, I was pretty pissed off at her that night. I tried not to be, I tried convincing myself that we're only meant to be friends and that that's what she really wanted. And hell, I couldn't help it when I was a bit distant and cold to her the day after...

... except for the fact that goddammit, she was hot...

Why is it that whenever she pisses me off, she comes to work the next day looking smoking fucking sexy as hell?...

I mean, at first when I saw her in a hypnotic-like tank-top and mini-skirt, and after taking my drooling jaw off the ground, I realized that it really was boiling hot outside (for Canada, at least... 25-30C), and that maybe she really does just wear this kind of clothing in this kind of weather. That is what she claimed the last time she wore a hot ass mini-skirt like the one she was sporting now, although I still remain convinced to this day that she was trying to make me jealous back then. But what possible reason could she be trying to get my attention now?...

Heh. Maybe she had a date with someone? I didn't know. So I popped the question...

"Hey, got plans tonight?"...

I expected back a response like, "oh, meeting a friend", or "not really, just going home for chores" like usual...

... but instead, even though I honestly didn't really insinuate anything with my voice, how did she reply back?...

"Oh... yup, we can do something together tonight. What did you have in mind?"...

And, umm... huh?... WTF?...

I mean, I guess she could've actually interpreted my inquiry as asking her out, but that's honestly not what I had in mind. The thing is though, that's when it struck me like a dart to the spinal cord. I never meant to ask her out, yet at the very first opportunity she was given, she basically asked me out (while making it look like I asked her out first). I mean, looking at her in that sweet tank-top, she was fucking hot as hell and dressed for a date. I just had no fucking clue that she had me as the target in mind, that's all...

So what else could I say? Yes, I was still pissed at her for inexplicably abandoning me the night before. But goddammit, she was hot. How the fuck could I possibly resist her feminine charms? How many opportunities do I ever get where I'm basically being asked out by a cute girl, even if we were going out as just friends?...

And yeah, we went out that night, first to ice cream and later to a bit of fine dining (without the wine or anything, 'course). And in the process, I embarrassed myself like a burping baby, as I somehow wasn't able to hold down the pasta I was having at a downtown Italian restaurant. I mean, the food wasn't bad or anything, but I was having some sort of bizarre reaction to it in the gullet of my throat. And sure, she at first got a kick out me looking like I was about to toss chunky soup out of my mouth, but the novelty wore off fast. At times, I definitely got the impression that she wanted to talk about the food we were eating, only to realize that I was anything but a pasta savant. And then there were those awkward pauses of silence between the both of us, which may not have lasted long in reality, but felt like a goddam eternity when you're the one there...

But in retrospect? We were together from about five o'clock to almost nine in the evening, and there was rarely a boring moment, at least not for me. I wouldn't say it was magical, and I just don't know if we really do have the chemistry that I keep hoping that we have. I still don't know if I'm actually feeling it like I should be, or whether it's all in my mind simply because I've never experienced this level of care for a woman before. All I do know though, is that at least for a brief moment in time? She completely wiped from my memory any lingering doubts I had about her from Wednesday...

It seemed to me like she realized she had made a mistake the night before, and came back revving in the morning wearing some of the hottest shit I have ever seen her wear before. And then she pounced on me the moment that I gave her a chance to ask me out on a date, even if we are just friends, and I really did enjoy her company. Every time she smiles or laughs, something inside of me just giggles with delight. As goddam pussy-whipped as this all sounds, I know in my heart that I must be genuinely happy when I'm with her. I mean, yeah sure, when we're together, I don't feel that different, and I don't know if I really do feel that chemistry I dream we do. But as soon as she departs? It happens every single time, that I suddenly feel so begotten, stripped barren and alone, like there's a void in me, that's all....

I don't know how she feels though. She seemed bored at times on Thursday, but at other times, she was smiling and laughing and chirping at even the dumbest of my jokes. I was never able to make her snort water out of her nose or anything, but considering we were together for about four hours straight, she really did seem to at least be enjoying my company. I have no idea whether she basically asked me out that night out of sheer pity and remorse, but I do know that it's not like she hated the experience or anything. Maybe it was all out of politeness, but she even chose to miss a bus ride home to stay with me a tad bit longer. A political or friendly gesture perhaps, but a comforting one nonetheless...

That's when Friday rolled around, and I just don't know what to think anymore. She stuck by my side for almost an hour in the morning during work, and I don't know if I made a mistake there with her or not. She was quiet, distant really, and I don't know whether she was trying to be professional or if I was doing something to upset her. I was trying not to mention anything really from the night before, so to not give the other employees a false impression of the both of us. I was trying to remain professional with a friendly vibe between us coworkers, and I have no idea whether she was hoping for something more or not. All I do know, was that she was rather silent and distant for the morning meeting and the rest of the day, even when it was just the two of us together...

We had a team lunch together, between us and the rest of our development group. The thing is though, while she seemed to start warming up to me that Friday on the way to the Bistro, we got split up thanks to the political seating arrangements when we finally got to the restaurant. It would've looked weird perhaps if we sat next to each other, and it would've looked forced if we tried to sit too close to each other as well. And since there were no two seats next to each other anyways (only opposite of each other), I made the political choice of essentially sitting on the furthest open point of the table from her. She was sitting next to a coworker she was friends with anyhew, so I thought things would be alright for her...

Now, I don't know if it was my seating choice that pissed her off, if she was already miffed from something earlier that day (or from the night before), or if the politics of the managers around her were simply boring her to tears. But she really didn't look happy at all during the team lunch, not from my vantage point at least. And it kinda hurt to watch, you know? I mean, she put on fake smiles and laughed at the bosses' jokes and all, but I could easily sense that everything was all forced pretense. Her chuckles just seemed so disheartened contrasted with the way she smiled at me the night before, unless that was all in my mind at least. Either way though, she really did seem either pissed or bored at the team lunch, and I truly felt guilty that there was nothing that I could do about it the moment I made my choice of seating...

And yeah, she was pretty distant to me the rest of the way through the day. We walked together to the train station like always after work, but even then we didn't seem to talk about anything personal like we did the night before. She did start smiling as I seemed to eventually crack through that shell, but never as much as I felt when we were together on Thursday. Of course, as a result of my failure, feelings of confusion once again came rushing back through my skull...

I mean, what if I had done or said something wrong to her the evening before? What if I had made things worse by trying to be just a coworker Friday morning when she appeared by my side?...

But both of those fears are based on the assumption that perhaps she actually wants to be something more than friends. And I don't know, I just don't know whether that's true or not. She did ask me out on Thursday, and in my own mind at least, that means a lot. But she's also told me so many times that she randomly goes out with so many guy-friends from family and university all the time, whether it be on weekends or weekdays. She made me feel special on Thursday night, but what's to make me believe that she doesn't make all her friends feel the same damn way every other week?...

All I do know, is what I've already iterated. That when we're together, I guess it's true that I just don't know if we have that sort of chemistry that I wish we had. I do dream of holding her, and there are times that I just want to reach out and caress her cheek. But there's never this irresistible instinct of an urge to do so, there's never any real impetus of a longing yet to fall completely into her eyes through passion...

But the moment she leaves? The moment she's gone? Every single day, it gets harder and harder to say goodbye when it's time to go. And every single moment I close my eyes, as creepy at times as this may sound, all I can really think of is her...

Every single night, I dream about her. As goddam stalkerish as that sounds, it's true. On Wednesday, after she had left me all alone, I had nightmares that she was dating someone else. And on Thursday, after our night out together? The only thing I could remember from that eve of slumber, was cradling her in my arms as our minds and bodies were held as one. As goddam scary and psychotic as this all sounds, I have never experienced this for any other woman I've met before. Now sure, I've always had the odd dream or two about a girl I've fallen for in the past, but never like this. Never every single damn night like it seems to be happening right now...

... never to the point where I feel as lonely awakening from my dreams, as I do every single time I leave her side...

Yeah, I know I sound frightening. I know I sound a bit delusional, a tad desperate and definitely deranged. Which is all the more reason and incentive for me to stop writing about her on a blog that I haven't even told her about yet. I claimed to her that I'm always open and honest, yet I still haven't mustered the guts to tell her how I really feel or point her in the direction of where I've written the breath of my heart...

But truth be told, short story short, she is all I ever do think about. How the fuck can I ever write an update then that isn't about her?...

Last week, I promised myself that it would be the last time I wrote about the girl at work...

... obviously, I lied...

And the thing is, sure I can take lying to myself...

... it just hurts to hide anything from her anymore, that's all...

Y2kk Update: Never say never...

... but as the noname pessimist?... well, I just don't know...

I'm starting to get worried, really. I normally never write about women that I've sort of fallen for, not until long after I fuck things up so bad that they become a mere afterthought. But not only do I still spend plenty of time with the girl at work that I've come to adore, but now I'm spending even more time with her, simply because I can't resist or ignore her personality and face like I claimed I could before...

She's a smart girl, much more savvy and savant and goddam intelligent than I will ever be. And to be honest, it honestly frightens me to think of what she'd think if she found these websites of mine, with all the shit that I'm writing about how I feel about her. As much of an oxymoron as this may sound on a goddam online blog, this download site of mine was always meant to be a personal diary of my most prized kept secrets and nothing more. I never really intended anyone to read it, save for my closest and most trusted friends at least. And if this website merely consisted of generic cannon fodder from my average work day or shit like that, I guess I wouldn't mind if she read it either, considering I'm getting to that point of blind faith and implicit trust in her...

... the only problem is... the main topic that I ever seem to write about these days, is her...

Which is why I intend for this to be my very last update about her, at least until the storm clouds settle and I figure out where to go from here. Kind of ironic yet fitting then actually, how I'm writing this one final update about her exactly one month separated from my April 20th birthday, the first day that I really tried to open up to her yet failed goddam miserably...

It's just that, since then? I've been all kinds of goddam emo and goddam frustrated inside. After it became pain-stakingly obvious that she had no real interest in me as anything but a distant co-worker of a friend, I just went internally ballistic and swore that I'd treat her as nothing more than how she treats me. I tried to promise myself that I could ignore her except for work-related shit, I tried to make me keep my word that I would show complete disinterest until my feigning would actually become actual reality, when I'd actually start believing in the shit I was trying to force myself into believing...

But the heart just doesn't work that way, now does it? I tried for two or three weeks to cut out how I feel, to just play the dumb fool and treat her as nothing more than a friend or coworker. But the thing is, it tore me apart every single moment that I just wasn't true to myself, and it hurt me just as much to notice at times that she was shaking her head at how distant I was acting towards her. That's not to say that she ever wants to be more than a friend, but previously I had just gone too far in the direction of trying to make it into something more, that even she couldn't take it when I backed off like a frightened little child...

I just can't ignore how I feel. I'm just not that type of guy...

So this past week? I made a new pledge to myself, to simply not give a shit at how warmly or compassionate she would act towards me. I promised myself to simply act on how I truly felt, whether she reciprocated those feelings or not. I just couldn't bare with living a goddam lie, of trying to force myself into being someone that I'm not. So I swore that no matter how terribly she made me feel, I'll just follow my heart and do what my gut instincts tell me to do...

Tuesday was the first real test of my new outlook on life. The thing is, she was relatively distant to me in the morning, but knowing what I promised to myself, I just shrugged it off and tried to talk to her online while at work. It turned out though, that she really wasn't ignoring me on purpose. But rather, she had a huge headache from allergic sinuses and simply didn't have time to bother with any of her own friends, let alone comfort her coworkers. If I had simply retreated into my own shell, perhaps I never would've learned this from her, or heard from her first hand that she wasn't even going to go outside on a beautiful day for lunch, but rather would sit at her desk and nurse her fallen angel of a migraine...

So really, what else could my heart do? The first thing and the only thing I could think of was to go by her side and keep her company, as she completely sounded miserable in everything she had said to me that morning. Regardless of my own insecurities, all I could think about was how lonely she must have been feeling at that place and time, so what else could I do but go over to her side and spend lunch with her? I have no fucking clue whether that was the right thing to do or not, whether she actually wanted me there as she never actually asked for my presence, or whether she was embarrassed that I was staying so close to her while other coworkers were looking on...

But the thing is, as long as she never told me that she wanted some privacy? I did what my heart told me to do, and that was to try to cheer her up in any way that I could. And we spent about an hour or more together, mostly silent as we were browsing the net on her screen together, but I for one found it to be the most damn enjoyable lunch I had all week. The entire damn time, I kept staring at her hair and eyes, wanting to touch her cheek and hold her in my arms just to let her feel some of the comfort that I wished upon her so. I never did reach out though, although at times the glow of her hair really did seem goddam irresistible to whatever was governing my feelings...

Either way, I could just feel though in the fabric of who I am, in my goddam heart or whatever fucking part of the anatomy was running my goddam brain at the time, that I had made the right choice in being there by her side the whole time...

I don't know if she felt the same way, or whether she wanted me there in the first place. I do know though, that after an hour or so, when I said it was about time for me to leave? Several times before, she had told me the same thing that perhaps I should go back to my cubicle space, yet whenever I was about to depart? She would wave me back over to check out some other weird ass thing she had found on the net, and we'd share yet another chuckle or two until five minutes later, when the whole process would repeat again. I didn't want to leave her side, as it gets harder and harder to see and let her go. I really don't know if she felt the same way, but like I promised myself, I just can't let myself get bothered by that. I knew in my heart that I would accept nothing but stick by her side that lunch hour, and that's exactly what I did. Even if she didn't really want me there in the first place, for once I didn't regret a single thing I did that day...

Thursday had a similar situation, where every previous day of the week, we had left work at the same time and walked to Union Station together. It was the only real personal time we had with each other, to talk about how she was feeling (considering she was feeling sick and miserable all week) and how her day had went. I cherish this time; I simply don't feel right once I get home if I don't get to say good night to her in person anymore. The problem was, my boss at work stopped me when I was about to go and meet her on Thursday night, needing me to check out one final bug before I left with her for the train station...

The thing is though, she had already closed her IM so I couldn't tell her of my plight. So as I was checking this one last programming bug of mine, I expected her to come over to my cubicle area and ask if I was ready to go. But instead of doing that, as I was frantically trying to finish up so she wouldn't have to wait for me, I saw her as a glimpse briefly in the hallway. She stopped and looked over at me, noticed that I was still working at my desk, and simply shrugged and waved goodbye. I was so hoping she would come over so that I could tell her to just wait five minutes for me, but she never did. And in my sheer stupidity and goddam emo anguish, all I did instead was wave goodbye to her myself, hurt that she wasn't interested enough in coming over and seeing what was my reason for the hold-up...

If anything proves that she has no real interest in me but as a coworker of a friend, that was probably it this week. I had comforted her throughout her entire lunch break on Tuesday, told her jokes all day long to try to cheer her up on Wednesday, and went out for lunch with her Thursday in the solemn and genuine hope of getting her to smile. But even after all that, she still just sort of got up and left Thursday night with a slight wave of the hand from beyond the horizon, even after we had departed for the train station together each and every previous night of the week. Even as friends, wasn't it expected to wait for each other by now? So yeah, I was a bit hurt, I admit it...

But like I promised myself before, I would simply follow my heart (as goddam stalkerish as it is, apparently), no matter how badly my ego and pride may be hurt by the fact that she treats me as nothing more than a friend. Now, I don't know if this was the right thing to do, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time, and it was the only thing my heart would allow me to believe. So immediately after I finished checking out this bug for my boss, I pretty much ran out that door to chase down that girl who had left five minutes before. As goddam retarded and pussy-whipped as it must've made me seem to anyone looking in from the outside, I just couldn't take the fact that she left without me, and I just knew that the only way I could even remotely feel better was to catch up to her and spend as much time with her as possible before the sunset and the pale moonlight...

So that's what I did. I mean, I have no fucking clue whether she got freaked out by the fact that I met her halfway to Union Station, that I essentially barged and shoved my way back into her life. But that's what I did, simply because that's what my goddam heart was telling me to do. It would accept no less, and like I pledged before, I just can't stand going against what my gut guy instincts tell me to do. Maybe I was too desperate and stalkerish there, I don't know, literally chasing the girl of my dreams. But that's what I did, simply because my heart would accept no less. If that makes me a fool, then fine, but at least I was able to sleep easy yet again that night, knowing that I did what I felt deep down inside was right...

And was it right? I have no fucking clue. She seemed more startled by my abrupt presence on Thursday than relieved like I wished she had felt. Yet, if I did somehow make myself seem like an idiot in her eyes that night, then why was she so kind and compassionate to me the day after? On Friday, maybe it was just out of sheer boredom or whatever, but she asked me out to a coffee break where we shared frozen yogurt and cookies. And yes, she was still sick and miserable from allergies like she had been all week, but it was kind of remarkable on Friday actually, how much her eyes seemed to light up whenever I was nearby...

Because just like on Tuesday (though back then to a lesser extent)? The more time I spent by her side yesterday afternoon, the happier and happier she seemed to get. It was infectious to me honestly, the extent of her smile at least. And whenever I was no longer with her, she seemed to reset back to being as miserable as she was before, and I would follow suit like the pussy-whipped loser than I always am...

I have no idea if what I did this week was the right thing or not, basically shoving my way into her own personal bubble the moment that she told me that she wasn't feeling well. I mean, it honestly scares me quite a bit, how much I felt guilty and empathic at just how miserable she was feeling all week. I know logically that all I really have at this point in time is a crush and nothing more for now, but it honestly frightens me that if I can care for her this much already (which is far more than I have for any other woman before)?...

... then how fucking crazy does real love feel?...

... sigh... and I guess the bigger question really is...

Will I ever get the chance to feel what real love feels like?...

... I just don't know...

But never say never, dare to dream, I say...

... it's just that, until that day, and as the noname pessimist?...

... you won't hear about it from this website of mine, that's all...

Because it all sounds like just so much fun, now doesn't it?...

... well, if only... always...

Y2kk Update: Wednesday...

... Wednesday... was a good day...

But the rest? God, I'm so confused...

... she's just so damn confusing...

Mixed signals? Or just plain lack of interest? Cold indifference?...

... how the fuck am I supposed to know?...

It all started out on Monday. I thought I was back, back to being just the old version of me. I thought I was ready, ready to treat her like a coworker or friend at most and nothing really more, you know...

... Monday?... Monday was an alright day...

The thing is, the moment I saw her that morning? I kept my composure, sure. I think I was able to keep my voice steady and talk with conviction. It's just that, I never really looked at her. I mean, I looked around her, and I looked indirectly at her body perhaps. But I never looked at her face, really. I just couldn't risk getting lost in her eyes and smile, so I didn't take the chance...

I talked to her in the morning, and I treated her as if she was just another coworker. But you know what really got to me?...

... she seemed a bit... sad...

I don't know what it was, or why it was. There's obviously a big part of me that was hoping that perhaps finally, she was showing the same kind of concern for me as I was being emo as hell over the past goddam week. The thing is, she was upset from the moment I saw her really, although I'd like to think perhaps that she only started acting that way after I treated her with the same cold (or neutral) shoulder she has given me for so long now. Either way though, something was off with her, as when I finally did look into her eyes just once? There was something missing, like she was hurting inside and hurting bad from something. She barely let it show in any other way, but I could feel it somehow, you know? I don't know what it was or why it was. I just could feel it was there...

As the day went by, I guess things improved between the both of us. We were on speaking terms, and we conversed like we would as acquaintances or friends, more or less. The thing is though, the previous week on Thursday, she had actually invited me out to dinner the coming Tuesday. The only problem was, it just felt like such a fucking tacked on suggestion, like it was an invite out of pity for how disheartened I was feeling that week, you know?...

She had told me that she was going out with a friend on Tuesday night to dinner, and then after a brief momentary pause, she looked at me that Thursday with a concerned look and asked, "hey, did you want to come along?" I couldn't tell at the time whether she was genuine in her invitation or not, because for all I knew, she didn't want me there on Tuesday at all. There was some part of her voice that felt like she actually was asking me out to a pseudo-date like I had done in the past, but the logical part of my gut just felt like it was an invitation out of sheer goddam pity. I couldn't really tell at the time, so I decided to wait on an answer and mull it over on the goddam weekend...

Well, when Monday rolled around and she seemed so damn depressed at times when talking to her, I just couldn't say 'no' to her, could I? The thing is, I didn't want to feel like a third wheel at the goddam lunch she had obviously predestined with her friend. I didn't want a date out of goddam mercy, and I certainly didn't want to get in the way of whatever she had planned with this guy she was seeing that night. Because who knows, maybe the two of them were actually interested in each other and I would merely be there to be proven how dumbass I really have been by asking her out all these times? I just didn't know...

So I decided to test her. My friend was having an interview soon, so I decided to use that to my advantage and test her. I told her that on Monday that I would love to go to the dinner, except that I just couldn't on Tuesday since I had to help my friend out. So I simply asked her whether she could move the date of the lunch to Wednesday or Thursday or any other day of the week. It was a simple test so to speak, to see who really had priority at this dinner of hers, whether it was a date all about her friend or whether she really did want me to go...

... I guess I got my answer though...

... she said no...

... obviously then, last week, it was just a request out of mercy and pity...

... and I simply did not want any part of it, so I solemnly said I couldn't go with her then...

The thing was, after I gave the answer that I felt she had forced out of me, she seemed relieved at first, and then saddened yet again. I mean, she was depressed in the morning, but she had improved as we talked during the day. But after I told her that I couldn't come on Tuesday night? I don't know, maybe her original request for dinner really was out of pity, but some part of me just felt terrible for turning her down in the end. Maybe originally it was all out of mercy, but eventually over the weekend she came to the point where she was hoping I would say yes? I don't know. All I do know, is that she wouldn't move the date of the dinner for me. I simply didn't have priority in this case, and I simply didn't want to take the chance of having my heart broken again, that's all...

... and that was Monday...

... Monday... was an alright day...

Tuesday though... Tuesday was?...

... an interesting day, to say the least...

First thing I noticed as soon as I saw her in the office that morning? That she was dressed hot. She was dressed fucking hot for the first time in a very long time...

I mean, the last time I had seen her dress up was, quite frankly, the first time we had lunch together back in the winter. That day, I wore one of my better sweaters, in the vein hopes of impressing her I suppose. But she, in the middle of winter, actually came to work that day with a tight little Chinese-style T-shirt that quite frankly, was fucking hot as hell for a freezing cold day. We were walking in the bitter breeze for the better part of an hour, yet she was showing off to me her adorable little belly-button and all that other hot sauce shit? WTF I said back then, and WTF I said again on Tuesday. WTF?...

Here on Tuesday, not only was she wearing an absolutely adorable T-shirt that showed off her shoulders to sheer perfection, but for the first time I can ever recall, she was wearing a goddam tight ass, pretty damn short skirt to boot. I mean, she has worn skirts before, but they went down to the ankles almost. Yet on Tuesday, the day that we were meant to have dinner that night, here she was with practically a mini-skirt that didn't even reach down to the knees. WTF?...

And you know what the first thing she did that day was? She hopped right onto the desk next to mine, pulled up her skirt, and started waving around her legs right in front of my fucking face...

... my fucking God, was I turned on...

Was this payback or something? She was depressed on Monday, possibly because of how I was treating her like a goddam coworker. And yet here on Tuesday, the first impression I got was that either she was trying to make me feel jealous that she would dress up for this other guy at dinner, or that she was flaunting her fucking legs right in front of my face just to spite me for turning her down the other day...

Either way, I was fucking feeling the heat as hell in that office that Tuesday morning, and I just couldn't resist the fact that she was flirting with me like there was no tomorrow. In the meetings we had, she would show off her shoulders and caress her arms, flip her hair back and rub her neck, bare off her legs and just basically try to make me as fucking uncomfortable in my pants as goddam possible. And believe me, as a fucking guy with fucking eyeballs, it worked. I mean seriously, maybe it was just me, but was she also wearing a push-up bra as well? WTF?...

I was scared at first that maybe she did dress up for this other guy she was meeting at dinner. But there was just this huge part of my gut that was getting this sort of signal from her, that she really had dressed up just for me, just out of vengeance for what I had done to her the day before. I had made her feel miserable, turned her down when she offered a date out of pity, and now I was suffering the consequences with a fucking hot chick giving me a fucking hardass boner at work, just to show me what I was fucking missing out on that night...

... and I loved it...

Yeah, I'm pussy whipped as they come. I was trying to get away, and yet with just one fucking mini-skirt, she reeled me back in. I complimented her on how she looked, I talked and flirted with her, and I even acted a bit jealous when it came to the guy she was meeting that night. And the thing is, I could feel that she fed off it all, so much to the fact that she really did seem happy and satisfied with me by the end of the day. Like if she had accomplished her mission in making me her bitch slave all over again, which she did. I was hers for the taking, completely under her spell yet again, and all it took was a fucking push-up bra and one fucking set of legs swinging right in front of my face. I couldn't help myself, I was practically drooling all over her skirt, and she seemed to love it. I was completely at her feminine wiles of mercy, and as a result, she smiled and giggled and genuinely just seemed so wickedly giddy that day that I couldn't help but be happy with her as well...

... until she left for dinner with that guy, at least...

... and I went home... to nothing but a fucking cold shower...

... sigh... my choice, right?...

... that was Tuesday...

... Tuesday... Tuesday was an interesting day...

But Wednesday? God, why can't more days be like Wednesday?...

... Wednesday... Wednesday was a good day...

I came into work all energized and obviously horny as hell, considering what had transpired the day before. Tuesday, after she had reeled me back in like a goddam sucker to her goddam mini-skirt, Tuesday on a whole was basically just eight or nine straight hours of me sucking up to the girl, and of constant flirtations between the both of us. It was like we were both learning to fall into each other's eyes once again...

... and Wednesday was the honeymoon of an aftermath...

She came into work all dressed nice and proper. Not really sexy no, as I noticed right off the bat that she was decked out in not only a damn fine blouse, but a long formal skirt down to her ankles along with a huge necklace of pearls. I knew something was up, but I didn't want to say anything. Afterall, she seemed happy in the morning, almost if there was some sort of glow...

... fuck, I was worried that maybe she got laid...

But weirdly enough, she seemed really into me that day, as if the clothes make the woman. On Monday, she had dressed in just her usual T-shirt and jeans, and was sad and depressed more than jovial or anything else. On Tuesday, she was a hot fucking woman who tore my will-power to shreds as she acted like she wanted to literally pounce on me, and I loved it. But on Wednesday, all dressed in beautiful clothing meant for some formal occasion, she really was beautiful to me. And she acted that way too, chatting and smiling and even laughing at all my bad jokes...

It was weird, actually. We went to lunch together with a couple of coworkers, and when she and I sat next to each other, it felt almost as if we were dating. We shared in the expense of laughing at the other coworkers' jokes and stories, while we basically nodded and shared meanings with each other just by looking into each other's eyes with some sort of message and intent. It's like, we barely said a word to each other except to pass the tea and to share the food, but every time we looked at each other, it's like we said something about what was going on with the people we were with. It was weird, really, an entire lunch of eye contact as communication. But it felt real somehow, and I just can't believe it was all in my head. It was like we were a couple there, I felt, the way we were seated and situated and all that other shit. Weird, indeed...

And on the way back to work from lunch? My God, it's not like she seemed as horny as hell like the day before, but she was just so into me at times when we were walking that I couldn't help but feel like everything was alright between the both of us. We talked about nothing, just stupid stuff, yet the way she smiled and giggled and laughed and stared deep into my face just seemed to scream to me like we really were a couple, or were destined to be. I practically felt like holding her hand during the walk, as that's almost what we did when we were the "couple" at lunch anyways. She was just so damn happy and satisfied there as we were sharing stories and smiles with one another, that I couldn't help but fall completely into her once more...

... and that's when... umm, whoops?... she kinda fell...

She was wearing high heels that day, and she kinda tripped on the stairs leading to the elevator office. With her legs mostly bare on the fall, I was really afraid that she had hurt or bruised something, on my gentleman watch of her no less. I extended my hand and arm to her, hoping she was reciprocate, but she never did. I had the urge just to reach further, to the point where I would hold her arm myself and lift her back up, but I never did. Part of me wishes that I did, but I just never did. She got up on her own without taking my hand, and of course I was concerned as hell with whether she was hurt. She just brushed it off and said she was fine, and she seemed content enough with the fact that I really did seem to care about her condition. Maybe she wanted more though, maybe she wanted me to reach out and grab her like I so wanted, I don't know. Either way though, it didn't stop her from being warm and welcoming and compassionate to me for the rest of the day...

Later on in the afternoon, when she told me the reason why she was all decked out in expensive pearls and beautiful clothing and all that other shit? I complimented her of course, flirted with her girliness, and she definitely responded in kind. She spent the ending wakes of the office hours by my side, just talking about where she got her pearls, and the family and friends history behind all that she was wearing. I just let her talk as I listened, as she just seemed so into me as she was telling me just why she was as beautiful that day as she was...

... hell, I was kind of heart-broken when she had to leave to meet her family that evening... I really did wish I could come...

... I don't know if she felt the same way... I don't think she did, otherwise Thursday wouldn't have ended up the way it did...

But still? For what it was worth?...

... Wednesday... Wednesday was a good day...

... I just wish I could say the same for Thursday, that's all...

I couldn't wait to see her, I honestly couldn't. Monday she gave me hints that she actually did care for me, Tuesday she completely whipped me back in place with just how fucking hot she can be, and Wednesday was just such a beautiful day where almost everything seemed to click between the both of us, you know?...

But Thursday? I couldn't wait until Thursday morning, and she even seemed sexy as hell to me wearing just an old white T-shirt with dusty jeans. It turned out that she had to go help a friend later that night with moving stuff, and I tried talking to her about that and all the other cute stuff that worked for us on Tuesday and Wednesday. I tried flirting with her so to speak, I tried extending my proverbial hand with eye contact and smiles and everything that seemed perfect between the both of us the day before...

But it didn't work somehow, it just didn't work. She felt distant the whole day, and she claimed it was because she was tired from all the family stuff she had done the night before while dressed in pearls. I simply accepted it, but I couldn't help but be a bit demoralized from the fact that everything that we had potentially shared on Tuesday and Wednesday was just suddenly completely missing and absent in feeling. I didn't feel really any affection from her on Thursday, as maybe she really was too damn tired to care, I don't know. Either way though, I just shrugged it off and trusted that what she told me was true...

... Thursday... I wish it was a good day, but still, I made sure I wasn't disappointed...

... I just wish Friday could've been different, that's all...

Like I said, I shrugged off Thursday, as her easily getting annoyed with me was probably a result of being so damn tired from the late nights on Tuesday and Wednesday. So obviously I was concerned that moving stuff for a friend on Thursday night would make her feel even more distant on Friday than she did the day before, and my fears were proven correct. Friday morning, she did try to smile and be happy with me at first, and she even attempted to be cute with waving her legs in front of me again while wearing a long skirt down to the ankles (like I said, that's her usual garment). But as soon as I said something that was even remotely stupid (when I was trying to be cute), she just glared down at me with annoyance and that patented stare like I was completely dumbass ignorant, and things just weren't right between the both of us the rest of the day...

Things were pretty damn quiet between the two of us, until I tried to extend the olive branch as I mustered up the courage to ask her out to ice cream or coffee or whatever after work hours were done. The problem was though, she turned me down, citing that she was simply too tired to go out with me that night, "no offence". And yeah, I knew she was actually tired, so I just shrugged it off and let it go. I had learned my lesson from hoping for too much like I did for the Raptors game the week before. I wasn't ready to hold it against her or anything, but I can't say I wasn't a bit disappointed as well. I was only asking for an hour of her time, and if she was actually interested in me, she would've chosen to spend some damn time with me, wouldn't she have?...

That's twice she's shot me down now, but I wasn't upset or disappointed in her this time around. I was disappointed though, that after a Monday where she showed real concern and worry for me, after a Tuesday where she fucking showed the hots and fucking horniness to make me her bitch, and after a wonderful Wednesday where everything just seemed to click between the both of us to the point where I actually got the impression like there was hope for us yet? Well, of course, that's when Thursday and Friday just had to roll around, where she just seemed to treat me like nothing more than a coworker of a friend yet again. I don't know if that's all I am to her, but it just seems to me at least that I have low priority in her life still at this point, that's all...

I mean, she takes the time to go out with a friend late on Tuesday, she spends the evening with family on Wednesday, and then helps another friend get ready to move from his apartment on Thursday, yet she couldn't find one hour of time to spend with me on a Friday night?...

And if anything is really telling? It's that she still hasn't given me her phone number, or even an IM to contact her by on the weekends. Aside from a few token e-mails we exchange as pleasantries, we have absolutely zero contact outside of the weekdays. I know she's busy with family and friends and all, but the fact that our conversations pretty much do consist of office hours plus-minus a few scant portions of the rest of Mondays through Fridays? Well, I'm just saying it shows how damn low on the totem pole I really am in her life, I suppose...

But the thing is at least, on Friday morning and the afternoon? I could see in her eyes that she really was tired. Whether that was the only real excuse as to why she chose to turn me down again, I don't know. But while I care for her, last week showed me that I have to be willing to let go, especially in the case where nothing will ever transpire between the both of us. So if she said she was tired and looked the part, then for now, I am willing to take it at face value and nothing else. It was a long week for her, and out of concern, I wanted her to rest up. I didn't want her to say yes to me simply out of pity, no more than I wanted to go to dinner with her on Tuesday night simply out of mercy...

... and that was Friday... Friday, for me, was a disappointing day...

But she gave me one great day in Wednesday. I do thank her for that...

... sigh... why can't every day be like Wednesday?...

... I don't know... part of me honestly keeps dreaming for that every fucking night...

But the realist in me learned from last week and the latter part of this week, that it can still be all in my goddam head...

Maybe on Monday, she was simply saddened by something that happened over the weekend that had absolutely nothing to do with me. But why was it then, that after seemingly becoming more pleased with things by talking with me, that she started sounding depressed once again when I tested and turned her offer down for dinner the night after?...

Maybe on Tuesday, she wasn't dressed hot for me but rather for the guy she was meeting at night. But then, why was she so openly flaunting her legs at me, why was she always stroking her neck and skin when I was right by her side, and why was she acting so damn seductive to me, as if she was finding delight in the art of feminine wiles and revenge?...

Maybe on Wednesday, she was simply happy that she was meeting her family at a formal place that night. But then why was she so welcoming and caring about me during the morning? How did we seem to have this sort of connection as we sat next to each other at lunch? Why did she seem so into me as if she couldn't take her eyes off of me as we walked together? And why did she come over and intimately chat with me at the end of the day as if, you know, she trusted me... as if we were actually together?...

And maybe on Thursday and Friday, she really was just that damn tired? I don't know, I just don't know...

... I'm so damn confused...

As all I can say and do at this point?... is to just shrug it all off...

... to pray that all good things don't come to an end...

... and to simply hope?...

... for a good Monday...

Y2kk Update: I'm back, baby. I'm back.

... or am I?...

I mean, I thought I would be alright on Thursday. Heading into work, I thought I'd be able to keep my head on straight. I mean, sure I was still pissed at myself for actually falling for the eternal bait of a trap of thinking a girl actually wanted to date me for once. Sure, I was still kicking myself in the arse for being such a goddam fucking fool. But after writing all that shit on Wednesday night, I actually thought I felt resolved enough to head straight into work while continuing to hang my head up high...

... I was wrong...

Just one look at the girl? Just one glance at the girl that I care far too much for my own good, and just seeing how damn happy and elated she was in the morning before I had even gotten there, completely oblivious to every fucking thing that had happened between the both of us for the past few days?...

... then, yeah... I couldn't help myself...

... I just can't help how I feel...

So I went apeshit emo again. I tried to contain it, but I just steadily declined from neutrality to sadness to eventually goddam anger and depression all over again. It's amazing just how one fucking look from the goddam girl can change my whole fucking perspective on the whole fucking world. I just wasn't ready to face it all on Thursday morning, that's all...

... I just hope I'm ready to face it all now...

It has taken a movie and a hell of a lot of golf balls swung at and missed for me to get to this point over the goddam weekend. I've thought about it a lot, and I've thought it all through. I mean, the inner idealistic in me would love to imagine that the only real thing I'm experiencing from her are mixed goddam signals, that after such a great time on Friday that she merely needed a bit of space and declined my request to the Raptors game on Tuesday as a result. I can dream and hope and imagine that that's all it was, that she's still interested in me, or that she was ever interested in me at all...

But the inner realist in me just knows that's not true. There's still a huge part of me that believes that long ago, she did have a thing for me. She was the one who initiated all our more personal conversations back at the Christmas party months ago, and I myself have caught her glancing over at my position from time to time in the now distant past, only to pretend like she never once saw me as soon as I looked over to notice. That means she just had to have a thing for me, no matter how small it might have been, right?...

It just doesn't matter or mean anything now though, I know that. Either she just lost interest in me after learning more of who I was, or maybe the fact that I've gone apeshit emo every fucking week for the past fucking month has turned her off by this point in time. Because I swear, on Thursday when I couldn't help but wear my fucking emotions on my sleeve yet again around her, I could literally feel the rolling of her eyes and the ever proverbial shaking of her head behind me, burning directly into my skull like only a woman scorned can...

But the thing was, I never once got the impression still that she cared about me, in the way that I've been hoping that she would. Instead, the only feeling I got was of a friend or coworker who knows when someone has a piddly crush on them, and simply takes the high arrogant road of analyzing just how pathetic this person has become as a result. She acted like she's seen it all before, and didn't give two shits about the fact that it was all about fucking her anymore...

Last Friday, I've love to imagine that she said yes to me because she had some sort of interest in me, that she cared for me in some aspect or retrospect. But every logical bone and fibre in my body is now telling me that she simply accepted my offer to get a chance to finally admit to me that we will be "friends" and nothing more. Now, I know I reported that she gave these slight little shy-looks that seemed to indicate more than all that to me, but when taken at a vocal face value? She did use the fucking "F"-word on me, in defining a goddam Friends Zone that no longer can be denied. She treats me like a coworker or acquaintance at worst, and nothing more than a distant friend at best. I've seen her meet and greet others that she knows, and she's just as friendly with them if not more so than she ever has been with me...

She never talks to me on the weekends or at nights, despite my comments about wanting to IM her if I only got the chance. She spends lunches and some hours after work with me just to talk, but perhaps it's only out of convenience, simply out of boredom and all that other shit that goes along with the job. I've never been in a relationship before, and hell, come to think of it, I haven't even had a girl that officially "liked" me since goddam high school of all ancient prohibition ages. How the fuck was I ever supposed to know if a girl was just teasing me because I was fresh blood, or if she really had a real thing for me? The problem is, I finally got a reality check and I hate goddam waking and wising up to this sort of morning bullshit...

This past weekend has all been about acceptance for me. The grief is still there, but the denial is slowly fading away. I've come to accept that while I've tried my best these past few days to bury my feelings for her with a goddam ratchet and clank, that I'm just not the type of guy to do so. I will pray and hope that I will have enough strength and pride to hang my head high when I return to work tomorrow morning, but either way, it's just not in me to hide how I really feel. I am who I feel, and right now I feel fine except when I do think of just how goddam foolish I was for believing that she and I could ever have been so much more. I'm far from feeling perfect still, I admit that, but at least it's a start back on the road to having some sort of goddam backbone and pride...

I can't deny how I feel. But I also have to accept the fact that she and I may never have a fucking chance in hell, if there ever was one in the first place, that's all...

I think this weekend has been helpful in that, if only thanks to the time off to regroup and reconsider my options and fate. I have some of my old confidence and swagger back, after being pretty much slapped in the face at her complete lack of concern and her goddam callousness when I basically offered to take her out on a date. I know that I can't just completely cut out how I feel about her, just like I'd probably never have the guts to gut out my own goddam arm and leg. But I can at least realize in the back of my mind that if nothing ever is going to happen between the both of us, I'd still feel better just being around with her with a mere fraction of hope that something will ever develop, rather than just try to bury it all down to the point where I might as well just fucking quit my job...

Sure, this is the trap of the Friends Zone that I'm sure fifty-fucking guys have already fallen into when dealing with a cute, smart and outspoken woman such as herself. Who fucking even knows what kind of waiting list is waiting in the wings for her? I've seen it all before, how we guys all stick around like lap-dogs out of the mere goddam fallen angel of a hope that someday, that special somebody will see us more than just a goddam friend. But realistically speaking, I know that will never happen in this case. She's from Computer Science, where she probably has gone through dozens upon dozens of advances from desperate guys such as myself who have a lot more charm and a lot more confidence (not to mention a hell of a lot more looks and skills) than I will ever have in a goddam lifetime...

Why the fuck would she ever choose me? It was dumbass and foolish enough to fall for that trap in the first place. And while it's still a mockery for me to continue to hang around her with lingering hope for lingerie still, after she essentially bitchslapped the pride right off my face, I think I've accepted the fact that my heart is still simply too damn naive and nervous and gullible to settle for anything fucking less...

So yeah, the trap of the Friends Zone. I've come to accept the fact that not only is the girl at work never going to ever see me as anything more than a goddam friend, but that I just don't have the guts and the will-power and goddam fortitude to man up and just walk away. I'm just not strong enough to pull off such a stunt, not for a prolonged stint at least, and I think this past week has been proof enough of that...

I'm through trying to deny how I feel. And I'm through trying to deny the goddam truth as well...

The only question mark left is, no matter how confident I may feel now about going through the fucking Twilight of a Friends Zone, how will I feel when I actually see her face to face? How will I feel when I witness her buttery smile once more? How will I feel when I hear her musical note of a laugh? Or worse yet, what the fuck would I ever do if I ever saw her in the arms of another fucking man?...

... and, well?... no, I can't predict the future, and I can't predict how I will fucking act either...

I know how I will feel though. I'll feel like shit, but I'll manage...

I'll find a way to survive and pull though... what else can I really say?...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it all?...

... yeah, real fun stuff...

... always...

Y2kk Update: Well, aren't I ever the goddam dumbass...

... fuck, just taking a single glance at the optimism of my last update just makes me feel even more goddam sick to the stomach and retarded...

I'm just so damn stupid. Why the fuck am I acting like the girl in this relationship here?...

... not that there was ever a relationship, mind you...

... and right now, I just can't see there ever being one either...

Now I know, I know, I'm just overreacting all over again by going apeshit emo like I was afraid I would. But I just can't help who I am, I can't help how I feel, and I can't help but feel that I'm just so goddam stupid for doing what I did...

For five long years, if not longer, I have been craving goddam Toronto Raptors playoffs tickets. They were my Holy fucking Grail in life, and I was devastated when thanks to MLSE season ticket holder rules, I didn't get any seats to Games 1 and 2 of the New Jersey Nets series this year. I've told all this to the girl at work so many times, and I was completely honest in admitting just how much getting these goddam tickets meant to me in the end. I even joked that I would sell my soul just for the opportunity to sell my soul again for fucking goddam Raptors tickets, and my joke wasn't really far off...

But more recently, it wasn't just my dream to get Raptors tickets. Now, no man can really help what they dream, but is it really any wonder that I would put my two passions together as my ultimate sort of goal? I've really fallen for this girl at work, far more than I ever should've allowed myself to, and I know that far too well first hand right now. It's just that, I couldn't help but keep imagining a time when I could take her to the Raptors game, where the roaring crowd and the waterfall of cheers and boos are just so damn overwhelming, that even I would get lost in the crazed emotion and finally give in to my gut instincts... to reveal to her how I really do feel...

... as yes, sadly, that has been my fucking dream for so damn long now...

... what a foolish, goddam waste of a dream...

Because finally, the former of my two missions in life finally came true. By logging onto TicketMaster within the first ten fucking seconds that seats for Game fucking five of the Raptors first round went on sale, I got myself four tickets and was so damn happy when I received the confirmation notice in my e-mail. I wanted to share my excitement with her, knowing full well that she knew how much this all meant to me, but I hesitated. I knew that if I told her all that, that I'd be foolish enough to actually ask her out to the game, and I just wasn't prepared for the heart-break of her ever saying no...

I mean, these were fucking playoffs tickets for Christ's sakes, with a waiting list for each and every single one of them a fucking mile long amongst my very own friends. Being there at a Raptors playoffs game meant the fucking world to me, and I just knew in my heart when I received those tickets, that if I ever offered one to her and she turned me down? I'd be devastated. Regardless of logic or the fact that I'd know I'm just being immature and completely goddam insecure as always, I also knew I'd be goddam fucking devastated to the core nonetheless...

But after last Friday? On Friday night, after she so shockingly said yes to my offer to take her to a sports bar, I guess I just lost all sense of logic, reality and focus. Without even thinking about it, on simply the whim of the tongue and the blindness of the heart, I asked her to the Raptors game. I knew that in my only little pathetic way, I was completely opening myself up to her then and there. I mean, sure I could handle it if she turned down a movie or dinner or any sort of crap like that, as I'm sure I'd be okay the very next day. But these are fucking Raptors playoffs tickets I had there in my hand. They were the goddam achievement of a fucking lifetime, as sad as it is to say. I know they didn't mean much to her, but for unfathomable reasons why, they just meant the whole fucking world to me...

... she should've known that... she's supposed to know that...

... and the fact that she said "maybe", was the sole reason why I was so damn optimistic in my last goddam Y2kk Update...

And as a result? I was really warm to her on Monday, and probably got too close to her for comfort...

... she turned me down...

At first, I just shrugged it off, not really caring that she didn't really give a shit about the Raptors much or my dreams of taking her to a game or anything else. I figured she had something much more important to do then, considering I was basically offering her the fucking most important piece of paper I have ever garnered in my fucking life (and yes, that includes my shitty ass university degree) and yet she was merely able to shrug it off like a goddam gnat...

So I gave her another chance. As we were walking together after work, I asked her once more if she'd reconsider. I knew that the chances were slim that she would ever change her mind and choose to go, but I just had to know in the pits of my gut as to why exactly she chose a night by herself over goddam fucking me...

... I expected an answer that would make some sort of sense, any sort of fucking sense...

... yet instead I got?...

... "chores"...

Wait, what?...

She turned down fucking Raptors playoffs tickets... for goddam fucking house chores? WTF?...

More than that, they weren't just slabs of playoff tickets. They had so much more meaning to them that I can't believe she didn't register a clue. I had told her there was a waiting list a mile long for each and every single ticket I had bought, not just from my own friends but from my brother's friends as well, and yet I offered first dibs to her. Doesn't that mean anything?...

I have been talking about fucking Raptors playoffs tickets to her for months and months now, dreaming of the day they would finally come. And yet finally the moment that they finally arrive on my doorstep, I ask her of all people first and foremost to spend the entire fucking night with me, dinner fucking included? That's when she turns me down, for nothing more than goddam fucking house chores? WTF?...

... and ay, there lies the bitter, cold rub...

I bid her good night and just tried to shake it off. I mean, asking a girl out is never a fucking safe business for the sanctity of the soul. There's always a huge chance that they'd simply say no, and like I said, I was prepared to swallow my pride if only I had asked her out to something smaller, like a movie or a dinner or just something else than the one goddam thing that she knew I had my heart set on ever since I fucking goddam met her in the first place...

I've tried at work for the past two days to reconcile how I feel. I've tried, I've so desperately tried, but I've failed...

Sure, I've gone emo before, and I truly regret doing so in the past. But here and now, I just can't help but feel this goddam hollow, sinking feeling...

... like, I don't know... as pathetic as this may sound?...

... as if she somehow broke my heart...

I mean yes, I know how dumb this all must sound like, over goddam Raptors playoffs tickets of all meaningless and materialistic things. And yes, I still feel so fortunate that she graced me with her goddam presence to the goddam sports bar on Friday night...

But as I feared, either I screwed something up so dearly that very same night between us? Or she accompanied me to watch the Raptors game that evening, simply because she had nothing better to do and not because I was the one she wanted to be with...

... and apparently, chores at home are more important than the fucking goddam Raptors game live that I've had my goddam heart set on for God knows how long...

And it's not like she never goes out on weekdays or any sort of shit like that from family. She tells me all the time that her friends drag her out on work days until late at night, so honestly, if she really has any vested interest in me besides as a goddam coworker? Then wouldn't she have goddam chosen to fucking spend an evening with me at the goddam one and only event I've been talking about and planning for the past fucking six months? WTF?...

... which once again beckons the question...

On Friday night, why the fuck did she say 'yes'?...

... out of pity?... right now, I've gotta assume, out of goddam pity...

Because yes, I know I'm being a pussy here. I know that I'm ironically being the goddam fucking woman in the relationship. But I just can't ignore how I fucking feel. And I fucking feel disgraced and demoralized right now, to the point where I just don't even want to see her until she shows me some shred of fucking proof that she cares...

She's never the irrational one. She's never acted goddam emo. She always treats me like a friend, nothing more and nothing less. If she had any fucking real interest in me, shouldn't she at least seem the least bit crazed? And yet I've never gotten the slightest inkling of an indication from her like she's going out of her mind. I'm fucking going out of my mind, and yet she doesn't seem to give two fucking real shits about it all. WTF?...

At work and at lunches and during all our walks, it's almost like I'm the one who has to initiate every conversation. I know I have a tendency to unfortunately shoot her down at times, but these days, it's really like she's never fucking honest with me at all. She keeps telling me her home persona is so damn different than her work one, but unless she's just completely lying through her teeth here, I have not noticed her acting different at all when she's with me than when she's with any other fucking goddam colleague. Do I really mean that little to her then? Fuck...

As goddam stupid as it all sounds, yes the Toronto Raptors playoffs tickets meant the universe to me, and she was the one person that I cared about most of all at the time. So much to the point, where right after I told my brother about the tickets, that's when I couldn't resist the urge to just offer them up to her on the silver fucking platter known only as my pride and heart. It was like I was offering every fucking thing I am and was and had to goddam offer. I was willing to chaperone her, take her hand to the game, spend dinner together, and then take her back to her home with who knows what kind of a goddam finish to the goddam fairy tale...

... but it was all just a goddam dream, now wasn't it?...

... fuck, yet another lowly, fucking dream, that's all it was...

... and now I'm fucking wide awake, with eyes wide fucking shut...

To the point where no matter how amazing the crowd at the game was last night?...

... I just didn't enjoy it...

... I just couldn't enjoy it, knowing full well who was the only real person I wanted cheering by my side...

... the Raptors survived elimination... and yet I couldn't even give a shit... WTF?...

I just feel horrible now. Crushed even, thanks to goddam realism and the fucking realization that Friday night really was just a goddam fluke...

Now sure, I don't blame her for not going to the game. The tickets meant nothing to her, and it's not her fault she didn't realize how much they meant to me...

But it's just that, I feel so damn stupid right now, that's all. I was taken for a goddam fool all over again...

... despite all my warnings, despite all my precautions, I was taken for a goddam fool yet fucking goddam again...

... and I just can't deal with it, not right now, that's all...

I've tried reconciling with it these past two days. I've tried thinking it through, mulling it over, forcing it out of my system, and shutting it all out... the same way I forgive and forget and accept all the other bullshit ideals I've had in my life...

... but this time?... it's not working...

... it's just not fucking working...

Which is why I'm writing... which is why I'm writing all this in the here and now...

... in the faintest of hopes and cries that maybe, just maybe, I can finally put this all behind me...

... but no, it's not working...

... it's still not goddam working...

... if only...