Y2kk Update: Wow, one day of happiness for me... a calm before the storm... Will wonders never cease?...

The thing is, today hasn't been so bad for me... I was going to write tonight that I feel absolutely wretched and woeful... and sinful, might I add... over what I did to my Distributed Systems partner a while back. I mean, I completely fucked over our friendship when I acted like a complete ass in front of his relatives (not like I should've shown up at his working doorstep anyhew, mind you). And to be honest? I think my lack of internet smily faces and emoticons and shit like that is starting to really get to him over MSN Messenger. I am rather sarcastic, afterall...

But the big killer in our friendship over the past term has been our Distributed Systems programming mark... He signed up to be my partner for the second lab, because he trusted me when he heard that I was a good programmer... The thing is, he kinda heard wrong. I may able to get the job done, by my commenting and coding style absolutely licks balls. And he figured that out the hard way... I heard that he complained a lot to others how impossible it was to read the half of the code that I did wrote for that second lab. I don't know whether he was complaining in jest or not, but it still stung me inside, because it my own damn fault for not coding in a style that actually suits the human eye... And the final product that we handed in for that second lab? Thanks to my coding style most likely, exceptions weren't being handled properly. And it was also perhaps because of my poor damn coding, that we couldn't "properly" register and deregister decentralized clients. I mean, sure I managed to write a hack to do later on, with my "duct tape" method of programming... But there was a "real" way we were supposed to do it. And I was so damn terrified that I would be penalized for my hacking, and thus take my friend and lab partner down with me (wait... does that sound good?... nevermind...).

The big coup de grace finally came yesterday, when our marks were finally posted online... and according to the table, we got 83% on our assignment... Now, that would've been good enough for me alone. But my friend here always likes to be above class average, and the class average was a goddam 90%... and while my friend simply said the mark was "alright", I couldn't help but feel terrible inside... I mean, I don't mind fucking up my own mark. Sure, I feel guilty for screwing my parents out of their hard earned money turned tuition, but it's still my own damn life... But my friend's? He's quite the genius, and all day long yesterday, I was just trying to think up ways to repay back my partner, for dragging his fucking mark down thanks to my inept coding styles... It was the only thing I could think of yesterday. Ways to say I'm sorry...

Goddammit, I had guilt...

... and damn, am I ever obsessed with goddam remorse...

...

By the time today rolled around, I still hadn't thought up what to do to try to make it up to my friend. I was afraid he'd hold a grudge against me for life, if he doesn't already... I panic easily, when it comes to rapports... So out of the sheer feeling of hopeless helplessness, I decided to remind myself of my utter, dismal failure yet again (and just generally laziness, screwing everyone within a 5 meter radius of my ass), by checking the marks online a second time alone... I didn't expect anything to be different. I just expected to sigh, and be bitter at the world for fucking me, and letting me fuck someone over yet again...

... and then I saw my mark...

...

100%?

... one hundred freakin' percent on the assignment?!

WTF?!?...

...

... turned out, the professor had mixed up marks on the goddam webpage! And the new "official" marks claimed that my inept coding style, got a fucking 100% for my partner!...

... and damn, was I ever relieved... my friend was a bit relieved too, although he still seems to be acting a bit distant towards me... probably because of that family business intrusion of mine... or simply the fact that I talk about porn and orgasms all the time, but that's besides the point...

Still, a great big burden has been lifted from my shoulders... and in terms of days, today wasn't half bad...

I also got my latest Databases midterm back yesterday... Now, for a bird course, I am pretty much fucking up that course. I hand in completely unfinished labs that I get 50% back on, and I only got around 66% on my first midterm (which is acceptable, but still far from the class average, or from what I would consider a "bird course")... but the midterm I got back today?...

... wow... I got 88%...

... could've got 95% too... if I didn't miss one damn line (and if they weren't so stingest on that one line lost...)...

Now that's a bird course for you, finally...

So today wasn't such of a bad day... I no longer felt like Atlas or Syphilis or Tantalus, with a huge ass boulder of pain and remorse on my goddam shoulders and spine (although I fucking should, considering I handed in five assignments last week... and still have four due tomorrow, which of course I haven't done anything for yet...)... And hell, I even got some marks back today that boosted the hell out of my averages this term. I still may be ranked near the bottom of every fucking course I'm taking, but at least I'm not the actual bottom of the barrel anymore. Take that, losers who replaced me at the bottom of the barrel! Take that, you fucking replacement losers! I laugh at your misfortune...

I've said it before this month, and I'll say it again...

Somebody's gotta graduate at the bottom of the class. How do you know it's not your doctor?...

... heh... I shall be that doctor... or lawyer... or architect... or engineer... or whatever...

... but at least, I won't feel terrible for dragging my friends down with me...

... not for this one term, at least...

... and yes, that is what I consider a happy day...

... or at least, a calm before the storm...

Y2kk Update: Wow... this is really getting depressing...

Just when you think that you can't get any lower... just when you think that you've hit rock bottom...

... that's when you suddenly get somehow fucked up the ass in more ways than one...

... and truly prove to yourself, that simply put...

... I am pathetic...

...

If you haven't noticed yet, I kinda had a bad week... Wednesday was once again the worst of the lot. I mean, I didn't piss in my pants or anything, or have a lovely orgasm (see last week's msn update for details...). But that same damn feeling of fear was still there, and it certainly wasn't helping things out. Especially when simply out of paranoia, I made sure that I went to the fucking washroom something like three fucking times a damn hour...

After last week's fiasco in that Multimedia computer lab, I made sure this week to start on my work early, so that I wouldn't panic and mind-numbingly collapse when the time limit was up... But I truly am Jack's raging bile when it comes to this sort of crap. You know - the actual learning part and doing the work yourself part of the damn course... I worked on the damn lab all day. And still, when it was all said and done, I didn't have a damn thing to show for it... My friend (or nemesis, depending on which day of the week) even explained to me what the fuck I was supposed to do in the lab, but his words just went completely over my head. I didn't have a fucking clue what he was talking about... So when the TA finally came around at the end of the time limit, to mark what the hell I had done, I really didn't have anything to show. I must've looked so damn pathetic, being one of the only few people in the entire class who couldn't figure out what the fuck to do...

And then of course, I saw the lovely rankings posted online... I got 50% on the lab, which wasn't half bad, considering that's 50% for basically no real work accomplished... But you see? This is why I hate the rankings they keep posting up in fucking fourth year... If I didn't see my spot, I would've been just plain fine and dandy with a 50%. But after seeing what everyone else in the course got?... Fuck. The second lowest mark was an 80%. A fucking 80%... And 90% of the class got 100's... I was the only damn student dumb enough not to finish the lab in some fashion or another. And I couldn't help but simply feel pathetic at that point in time... Sure, I always feel pathetic around this time of the school term. But this time, it kinda felt different...

... and I ain't just talking about that tingling sensation down below... although now, I sort of wish I was...

The fucking truly pathetic thing this year is, thanks to the fucking ranking systems that the fourth year courses keep posting up, I simply have no excuses left to explain just why the fuck I'm so damn idiotic in university...

Before, I would claim that my OT5 year was an anomaly, that the students I was taking courses with last year were just so damn much smarter than every other year around us. And hell, our class averages seemed to prove it, right? That my year was fucking me over, by being so much damn smarter than the years before and after. And taking a look at "easy" previous year midterms, I actually believed this excuse of mine for a damn long time... But with most of my grade at co-op, I'm now stuck with the OT4 year before me. And while thank God, I'm not failing any courses, the fact of the matter is... It doesn't matter which class or year I'm in. I'm just always at the fucking bottom of the class. Always... Doesn't matter who or what. Some things just never change... so what's my excuse now?

I used to think that my computer engineering faculty was just a hard as fuck course, and that I probably could be getting Bs and As if I had just taken Computer Science like I almost did four years ago... But now that I finally have some real computer science courses this term? I'm fucking up those courses as well. Thanks to the rankings that those fucking courses post as well, I see that not only am I at the absolute bottom of all fucking computer engineers, but I'm absolutely pathetic compared to computer science students as well... Where the hell is my excuse now?...

I kept telling myself that my low marks in first, second, and even third year were just aberrations. That because of all the math and electrical engineering courses I had to take, it was dragging my true average down. I was sure that if I had only computer courses like I wanted out of this fucking university, that I could finally excel and prove that maybe I'm not such an idiot afterall... But in fourth year, I have no electrical courses anymore (save for that fucking Multimedia one that all the Engineering Science students are claiming is dirt easy... fucking pricks...). I am purely computer engineer this term, and yet my fucking marks are exactly the fucking same as they were in previous years... Sure, I can be thankful that I'm not in danger of failing anything. But why the fuck should that matter anymore, when I'm literally one of the worst students in every single damn class that I'm taking?... Why the fuck must the professors post the student rankings this year? Where the fuck are my excuses now?...

...

... I just feel especially awful though, thanks to the Distributed Systems midterm that I got back this week... I mean, I'm finding that course dirt easy. I did the first lab in it in a day (after figuring out CORBA I mean, which took forever, thanks to no real instructions at least...), and got a 96% on it... And I found the midterm to be damn easy as well. I thought I aced the damn thing. Even after leaving that exam room, I told all my friends that if I didn't get 80% on the midterm, that I'd be disappointed as hell... so guess what the fuck I got?...

... 64%...

I got a fucking 64%, on a fucking midterm that I found to be as easy as a high school test... And guess what the fuck the class average was? It was 85%. And it would've been a hell of a lot higher, if I wasn't the one dragging the whole class average down... I mean, I swear that after looking at the ranking system for the course, that the only people I beat on the damn midterm, are the couple of guys who didn't even show up to write the damn thing... I actually tried on that midterm. I actually found it easy. Hell, the course material is all intuitive shit for cellphone and WiFi users, so I should've known it like the back of my hand (even though I don't own either of the above)... So why the fuck did I fucking almost fail the damn midterm? Even after boasting that I did so well?...

... fuck... everyone around me said that it was impossible to do poorly on that midterm...

... well, I always find a way... somehow, I always find a way...

...

But it's not really my mark that's scaring me the most... It's just that, I've always tried to be a team player. And for the second Distributed lab, I paired up with a friend in order to do it... The problem was, I did the first half of the project in my own personal style of coding. It was damn stupid of me to not space out my code for my partner to understand, but thanks to damn midterm season, I just couldn't care less at the time... And although he was really nice about it at the time, I could tell that he was aggravated beyond belief, that he was forced to edit my code when nobody but me seems to be able to understand it... I felt sorry for him then. I just didn't expect how he'd act about it after though...

I got 96% on the first assignment. I obviously consider that just fine... Unfortunately, he doesn't. He got 100% on the first lab, and is now terrified that a propagated problem in my coding will drag our combined mark down for the second lab we handed in... And I can't blame him for being scared. After seeing my fucking midterm mark, I'm scared as hell too that I screwed up for the both of us... Now, I don't mind fucking up my own mark. It's my life afterall... But this friend of mine is really smart, and a really nice guy to me. If we end up getting marks off on the second lab, it'll be all my fucking fault. I don't care if I was too busy at the time with midterms to help... I had forgotten my oath, to always try my damn hardest when somebody else's mark is on the line. And if his mark gets dragged down because of my damn laziness and hypocrisy? Then I don't know what I'd do. I really don't know how I'll feel... I really have no clue how the hell I can ever make it up to him...

He's already acting strange around me though... Obviously, he's coding the first part of the third and final Distributed Systems assignment all by himself. Hell, I don't even know if he'll let me do any of it, simply because of the fact that he now knows just how bad of a fucking student I really am in this school... even when I think I'm doing well...

... but when the marks came out this week?... well, that wasn't even the first day that he started acting strange around me...

It was a couple Fridays ago, when just out of sheer stupidity, I decided to waste away some of my train waiting time, by going to my friend's lotto booth and just saying hi before our Raptors "bet" for the day... He had told me where his booth was, and I knew where he was talking about. I had absolutely no fucking need to see him in person there and disrupt whatever he was doing, but my dumbass brain decided to annoy him anyways... I really don't get why anymore...

So I went over to him. Out of politeness, he came over to me of course, since he had no customers at the time... The thing is, that lotto booth he owns is a family business. So his mother and uncle were there, and out of courtesy, I said "hi"... just a "hi", right? How could that fucking hurt, right?...

His uncle just scoffed at me though, and in Cantonese, muttered under his breath to my friend's mother, "he's his friend", in a way that wasn't very courteous to me... Out of panic, I stupidly replied, "yes, from U of T"... I just blurted it out. It was completely dumb and arrogant of me to say that, but I just couldn't control my damn tongue... And of course, his uncle just scoffed at me again, pretty much rolled his eyes, and didn't bother to look at me again...

... yeah... I really don't think that went well...

... I definitely ain't a people person...

I thought I had a decent talk with my friend before I left though. But I guess he didn't feel the same way... The next week when I saw him, he was acting strange around me. Eventually, he did complain that not only did I interrupt him at work, but that I offended his relatives as well...

It was completely idiotic of me to go to his place in the first place. It was moronic of me to try to play nice with his folks when I was disrupting their business. And it was completely half assed of me, to actually come off as fucking arrogant as I was panicking to make some sort of decent impression on his relatives... I made three costly mistakes. And the fact that I fucking made my code hard as fuck to read, not to mention the fact that my programming mark just wasn't good enough for him, made a death wish mistake number four for my plea... and he hasn't really seemed open with me since...

Can I blame him?... of course not... if our second lab gets fucked, it'll be completely my fault... and I'll probably never be able to forgive myself...

I haven't openly said "sorry" or anything, but I have subtlely shown that I am sorry for everything I've done to him, showing up at work and screwing up our second lab and stuff I mean... But showing remorse just ain't good enough at the University of Toronto. The only thing that gets respect around here, are results... and my results on the fucking ranking systems sure as hell ain't helping things out...

I'll be relieved as fuck if our second lab mark turns out to be great. But chances aren't looking very bright anymore, and I sincerely hope I don't lose a friend out of my own sheer incompetence... I wish I could make things better right now. But whenever I try, I just fuck things up even more... If I just had the brains to think things through two weeks ago or more, then I wouldn't be in the fucking predicament that I am in now...

But that's the problem with me. I never think things through.

Sometimes I think it's a strength of mine...

Most of the time, I just think it's a fucking achilles heel...

... because truth be told, this is getting real depressing...

... I truly am Jack's raging bile...

... because it just sounds like so much damn fun, now doesn't it?...

... just one more fucking year, and I'm finally fucking out of here...

... I just wish that they wouldn't keep posting the damn rankings for the classes, that's all...

... since I am pathetic...

... if only...

Y2kk Update: Okay, explain this one to me...

Yesterday, I had a group meeting in the computer labs. I was already in the labs when the other members showed up, so obviously I had logged into the school computers beforehand out of boredom... I didn't log out though... I never log out... I mean, my coat and bag were on the fucking chair and desk, right? They were blocking the damn seat and keyboard, and it was clearly obvious that my computer was logged in... I've been doing this for four years now. And except for some potential moments, where someone may have used up my print quota without me noticing, I've never ever had a problem with leaving my computer logged on and by itself for hours at a time...

... so explain this one to me...

I logged into the computer yesterday, and then my group members showed up. And as usual, I left my computer logged on, with my backpack on the chair and my coat on the desk, without thinking a single second thought about it all... I then go along with my software engineering group as we try to "sell" our programming module to some other group, a meeting that took about half an hour in the end. And in all due retrospect, a half hour isn't very long to leave a computer sitting idle, right? I've seen people leaving computers on for hours straight without ever returning, and nobody ever complains. Hell, in that very university computer lab that day, I saw three Chinese guys playing Quake 3 against each other in a LAN game, and yet nobody (even those who needed computers for work at the time) didn't seem to care...

... so, umm... explain this one to me...

Why is it then, that when I went back to my computer after the meeting...

... there were two Chinese FOBs there, sitting on my bag and coat, as they were using my computer log-in account?...

Huh?!...

WTF?!...

... well, it looked like my account from afar, but surely it couldn't have been, right? Why the hell would anyone ever want to do their Excel/Powerpoint work and save their stuff on another person's private network drive?...

So I walk up to them to gather my things, secure in the knowledge that they logged me out before logging back in themselves... I mean, that would be the logical thing to assume, right?...

... right?...

... so explain this one to me...

Just to make sure, I went up to get my things and asked them, "hey, did you log out of this computer for me?"

I expected a simple yes, and then I'd thank them... really...

... but, umm...

The Chinese FOBs there just turned at me, sort of scoffed me away, and muttered under their heavily accented breath...

... "no, we not log out. We log out later..."

... and, umm...

... seriously...

Huh?!

WTF?!...

...

Okay, maybe I was hard at hearing or something, or maybe they just didn't understand what the hell I was talking about... So I just nodded my head and waited a while for them to say something, but they just ignored me... for some odd reason, they just ignored me... So I went over to another computer to check my login status, just in case they didn't understand what the hell I was saying when I asked them if they logged out of my account...

So I accessed another computer, took a look at my own private network drive, and... umm...

... there were files there that weren't there a half hour ago...

... and they were still making more...

... and, umm...

... seriously...

Huh?!

WHAT THE FUCK?!

...

Seriously, what kind of idiot just walks to some computer, notices somebody was logged in and doing work at the time... And instead of just logging the original user off like any good asshole would, they literally sit their asses down and start doing their own work on my damn private account, on my damn private network drive, and with my damn private print queue?... And while I was noticing all this, even asking them to logout for me, they didn't even fucking care?...

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!...

...

Well, I watched them like a hawk from there. I told them to not print anything and to simply log out "please". But they simply retorted with some Cantonese slang of their own, simply repeating yet again that they'll log out of my account "when they're done"... And since I noticed that they didn't really print much with my account (and knowing that if I logged them out by force, they'd lose all their work files), I played the nice gentleman and just let them use my fucking account, for absolutely no logical reason whatsoever... or at least, I played nice for a while...

Half an hour passed, and they still hadn't gotten off of my damn account. They were still making up new Excel files, putting their private projects on my private network drive for God knows what reason (wish they were doing projects for my fourth year classes then...)... And since I obviously didn't trust them (although they hadn't printed anything else on my print quota yet), I eventually just gave up and went back to them, and told them to get off of my account NOW... I said they could just e-mail themselves their own files. And since I actually was quite pissed at them this time, they finally did what I told them to do... But seriously, they were working on my damn workstation, with my damn login name and password, for one fucking hour at that point! And it never once crossed their minds that maybe, just fucking maybe, none of this made any fucking sense?...

Seriously...

HUH?!!...

WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

...

Well, yet another day at the University of Toronto, where my life gets ruined, one day at a time... Now, obviously a couple of Chinese immigrants with god-awful accents (who were insulting me in Cantonese, thinking I didn't understand what the hell they were saying...) stealing my computer account for an hour or more doesn't exactly constitute my life getting ruined. Although it did certainly fuck up the logistics of my mind for the day, that's for sure...

The thing is, I really expected to do well in fourth year of university. I finally got to pick some courses, and I finally got to see whether all the things I had told myself in the past were true or not... Because you see, as a Computer Engineer at U of T, the only way I can justify my horribly low marks, is by considering myself as a member of the elite... To get into Computer Engineering, you really needed at least a 95% or higher average in high school to even be accepted. And by fourth year of university, over 20% of my classmates have already been forced to switch undergraduate majors, or just fail into another university... And that's gotta mean that I've got some damn talent, right? If I'm still here, if I'm going to graduate in a year. If I'm going to get my goddam iron ring from one of the top ten engineering universities of the world... even if I am in the damn first percentile or some crap like that...

The thing is, over the years, I've justified to myself that if I was ever given a chance to do Computer Science courses, I would kill them... I'm not a bad programmer. I may be horrible at university math and physics, but I'm not a bad programmer. And I had convinced myself over all these years of pain and torture and anguish, that if only I had taken Computer Science, I could still be a B+ or A student right damn now... That's what I kept telling myself before at least. I certainly ain't bragging about it now...

I have two Computer Science courses this term: Introduction to Databases, and Introduction to AI... both courses, U of T engineers have told me were bird easy courses. Hell, some of the students I'm friends with right now are getting 100% and 90% respectively in both of those two courses. And although the people who tell me these are bird courses, are obviously people who are A students in computer engineering as well, I still had no reason to doubt them... I mean, Computer Science courses had to be considered damn easy compared to my fucking engineering studies, right?... right?...

Well, first came Databases... I got class average on the midterm (70%), but it certainly didn't help things when I fucking failed the first assignment... And considering the second Databases assignment was only the second damn programming assignment I've failed to complete in all my years of university (goddam useless DB2 SQL... where's MSAccess when you need it?...), I'm sure that my total cumulative mark in Intro to Databases right now, is as low as a fucking 60%... and that certainly ain't what I consider a bird course...

And as for Intro to Artificial Intelligence... the thing is, I must not have any intelligence, right? I dropped Compilers earlier in the year, because God knows I'd fail that god-awful engineering course with a 30%... But I knew I'd have trouble with Prolog programming in AI, so I conned a friend of mine into dropping the engineering computer graphics course for the CS AI one... And at first, it seemed to work, right?... We both made a critical mistake on the first assignment for AI. The difference is, I tried to correct the mistake before we handed in our papers, and he didn't really bother (although he did make a footnote mention of it)... Besides that, our assignment papers were completely identical. We had compared answers the morning after we did our projects individually, and nearly every single damn answer was identical. Sure, he worded things clearer, but I still had every fundamental thing right. Or at least, if this was high school, we'd both get 90%...

... but this ain't high school, goddammit... I was hoping a CS course would be, but apparently I just suck at school...

We handed in nearly identical papers...

He got 92%...

I got 63%...

I checked the rankings... I'm literally now the absolute LOWEST MARK in the entire fucking class...

... seriously...

... explain that one to me...

WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

...

... class average on that assignment was 85%... my friend got 30% more than I did... I'm now not just the bottom of the barrel for fourth year computer engineering; I'm also the damn absolute bottom of the barrel of a goddam Computer Science course that I thought would be damn easy... and if that ain't considered embarrassing, I don't know what is...

I know that in every class, somebody has to graduate last... How do you know it's not your doctor?...

But still... officially last in the fucking class, and multicasted broadcasted all over the web... now that is goddam embarrassing...

Of course I still have time to turn things around. The course material is pretty damn easy, even by my standards, actually... But the fact of the matter is, my bubble has been burst... All my inept justifications for my laziness and completely bottom feeding mark over the past three years, have all been crushed by the one simple fact... that I am getting exactly the same marks in "easy" computer science courses, as I do in goddam engineering ones...

Now that royally does suck...

...

... no wonder those two Chinese FOBs completely ignored me as they wasted away at my computer account...

Am I really that invisible?

Am I really that insignificant?...

... bleh...

... no transcripts at interviews = two thumbs up from me...

... time to be somebody's doctor then...

ATI: The big obvious news for the week, is that ATI released the official Catalyst 4.12 drivers for ATI cards. Just in time for Half Life 2 benchmarks, of course... I don't know what these drivers do, except fix some AGP memory allocation faults. But go ahead and hope that the Quack3 thing applies to Half Life 2 as well over at: http://www2.ati.com/drivers/wxp-w2k-ccc-8-071-041026a-018719c-english.exe.

ATI: Well, to go along with the official Catalyst 4.11 release, ATI has released the beta version of Catalyst 4.12. Don't know what they do, but if you like being the guinea pig for the sake of downloading, then go ahead and be free at: http://www.ati.com/support/infobase/4701.html.

ATI: Saw over at Rage3d that new ATI Linux drivers were released. Don't know and don't care what version 3.14.6 does, but since when has that ever stopped people from installing and assuming everything is just ripe?... Go ahead and run like Forrest at: http://www.ati.com/support/drivers/linux/radeon-linux.html.

ATI: Well, some Italian site has rumours up about the upcoming ATI R430 and R480 chipsets. Don't really know what they say, thanks to a piss poor translation, except that ATI's multi vector assault mode technology or something, will allow 2 different ATI cards to work together in the same system (cards don't have to be identical like in SLI). Go ahead and try to interpret the translation yourself at:
http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hwupgrade.it%2Farticoli%2F1114%2Findex.html.

Y2kk Update: You know, everyone has friends... some people have a lot of friends... that wouldn't be me... but I've never really cared for being Little Mr. Popularity anyhew... although I wouldn't mind being Little Ms. Popular, as long as I could grope at my boobs in the mirror all day, but that's besides the point...

The thing is, almost everyone seems to like to think, that they have a lot of close friends as well... That's usually a lie though. A real friend is one of the rarest things on the fact of the planet. And I never really try to delude myself into thinking that I have a whole arsenal of friends, who quite potentially could stay dear to me for a very long time...

No, I don't lie to myself about all this. I know I have one and only one close friend. Always have, and probably always will...

He was the only one who ever read this download site of mine. Or at least, he used to... until he got bored of it like everyone else on the face of the planet... But still, I still regret the day he moved to America. We still talk all the time, since that's what close friends do, but it really isn't the same...

Now, he came back over to Canada (with us being tucked all the way down south over there...) this weekend, for his university graduation ceremony at least (the most boring and politically rantful thing on the fact of the planet, I warned him...). After he got his degree, we went over to Toronto, and spent the day watching movies and dreaming of actually seeing something in Paramount theatres, a place I was sure as hell too cheap to ever damn afford... And yeah, I did the host thing and paid for everything. And I had a good time - I hope he did too... We talked a lot. I never stopped talking, actually... And I killed him in the usual video games when we got back to my place, just like the good ol' days when I used to massacre him every single week of the year...

Ah, good times...

But now he's gone again. And besides my usual guilt, after talking too much to someone and always afterwards fearing that I annoyed them to hell, I now realize I'm kinda feeling something else...

... heh... I never really noticed just how lonely I was up here alone...

Now, of course I knew that I was bored. Hell's bells, I can't even go to class, let alone sit still in it and walk a crooked line... But I have friends at university, you know? I've always had friends. And sure, probably the ones I had the most fun with, already left for co-op positions last year. But still, I still talk to a bunch of people at school. And probably the only friends leftover in my university grade, I hang out with for programming projects and stuff like that. And I haven't really felt lonely or anything when I'm with them... but after getting a taste of the good old days? Things just don't really seem right anymore...

Maybe I'm just feeling some lingering guilt or something, you know?... Now, on my websites (especially my MSN one, as abandoned as that site may be...), I still talk all about the inner urges I have. Because as a geek, I really am quite, quite perverted. And as a pervert, I don't really mind mentioning all the perverted things on my mind to people who seem to get a kick out of my distinct literal mindedness... or at least, they did at first...

It started around last Monday... In the computer lab, my friends were mocking me for being a pimp daddy or something (I already forget why...). So to one-up them, I decided to actually started talking about the shit that I normally talk on my website about girls... I told them that if I ever do get a girlfriend, she has to really, really ridiculously have a horny love for vibrators. Since I know I'll never be able to satisfy her with my... umm... size... the thing is, I really get off on girls getting off on themselves (or with other girls, but that's besides the point...). And if I can't get the job done, at least I want a girl who can get the kinky job done to herself... riding on a sybian, while having a couple of shivering vibrators attached to her clitoris as well... refusing to ever give in, no matter how hard she wants to explode... sigh... I just want to hear a really horny girl, weep until she can weep no more, that's all... is that too much to ask?...

... but I also told my friends that I would probably only be able to stand being with a virgin girl, which is the truth... I know all about the difference between the hymen and "experience". But still, I'm truly the jealous type... And I don't think I can ever manage to accept a girl who got off on a guy before I came around... And, sure having a lesbian-strapped dildo loving nympho, and the ideal notion that she's absolutely a pure and chaste virgin, are kinda mutually exclusive qualities... Sure, I would love to find a closet nympho out there, who gets off on perverted guys like me, but only after they find supposed "true love" with him and all that crap... but chances of that are pretty damn slim...

... and now I'm just afraid, because after admitting all that... chances are getting kind of slim, that my friends still think that I'm funny...

The problem is, all I said to them was true. About all the libidinous, insidious ideas I have... But the real problem is, sure they found that shit all funny at first... but I was really loud. As in, really really ridiculously loud about it all... in the public computer lab... where the guys were all nodding their heads in agreement with me, and the girls were just rolling their eyes at my chauvinistic chivalry... And not only am I afraid that I embarrassed my friends with all the peeping toms and weeping eyes (I wish...), but I'm also just pissed off again at myself, that I never know when to just shut the fuck up... Sure, part of the reason why I never quit ranting, was because my friends kept on asking me more and more questions of my pervertedness. But still, it's my fault really, because it's just innate in me - once I get on a comedic roll, I just never shut the hell up... until long after it's obvious my friends have lost interest in what I have to say, and I realize that in an hour or so time, I'll be feeling real damn guilty over just how much of a pompous jackass I was acting in that computer room...

... yup... one hour was about right... and I'm still reeling from the guilt as we speak...

I'm just embarrassed a bit, that's all... I've talked to my friends all week long without any trouble, but I still just feel like a complete doopliss doofus, that's all... And how does this make me feel lonely? I don't know... it was my own fault that I completely embarrassed myself, by giving a private Y2kk lecture to the entire room of geeky, porn addicted engineering students, but... still, if this was my close friend that I was talking to? He'd just mock me back, or even admit stories of his own, instead of eventually groaning at my groping fables of stories, and seemingly thinking that I was a certifiable wackjob of a handjob...

... my friends at university joked about what I was talking about at first, which was what I wanted... but when they grew silent?... Sure, I can't blame them. I was being annoying and all, and you can only take a joke so far before it gets boring, but...

... I don't know... I just felt... lonely... when they didn't seem to accept the true me...

... not the true me mind you, since everything we do and are is real (regardless of what we think...), but... I mean, they sort of got bored of me... the me that I usually prefer on the inside... the me I write on these websites of mine... the me who thinks he's funny... the part of me that kinda hides, that's all...

Bleh. I guess I'll shut the fuck up right now.

And just listen to Kim Jong Il from Team America, sing about how "wronry" he is...

... that was a bad song, but still... an otherwise great movie...

... and I can hope that my close friend comes back to Canada someday, in time to see America kick ass in Team America 2...

... or even better, I become filthy rich and head on over to America...

... fuck yeah...