Y2kk Update: Okay... maybe I'm on a need to know basis or some shit like that, but seriously, I need to know...

Just what the fuck has been wrong with me lately?...

...

I completely forgot to tell my cousin "Happy Birthday", even though he practically called me each and every day this week...

I completely forgot to tell my friend from America "Happy Thanksgiving", even though I e-mailed him practically every damn morning...

I know that I've been knee deep in university assignments lately. I've been at school from 9 in the morning to 11 at night pretty much... But I've been there and done that before without any of the weird feelings and Pontiac fucking vibes I'm getting right now. Hell, I can barely even type properly without some Freudian slip coming out as some strange ass typo...

And oh, did I mention that I almost got in a damn car accident yesterday?

I was all pissed off at the time that the fucking video game I just bought for dirt cheap didn't have a fucking proper Xbox case... But honestly, keep your fucking eyes on the road, I should've told myself... I was at a left turn, and I seriously didn't see anyone coming. So I started turning as soon as the light went green, only to notice almost too damn late that there was one damn car that was waiting to go straight... So for some fucking damn reason, my eyes completely had glazed over the fucking car coming right at me at the intersection. I of course slammed on the brakes and he did too, and I tried to apologize with my arms through the front window as I let him pass... But honestly, what the fuck was the matter with me? Sure, I may have almost (and have hit) cars in parking lots before a dozen times by now. But on the road? I've never fucking almost hit someone on the fucking road, and yet I wasn't even goddam paying enough attention to the fucking street to notice when I was about to have a fucking accident? What the fuck is wrong with me?...

Seriously... What the fuck is the matter with me lately?...

It was the same damn thing in my Software Engineering presentation yesterday... Now, the details of that, I was going to write on my download site this weekend. Still might later this week, although I really should've gotten around to it amidst all my procrastination the past two days...

The thing is, throughout my presentation, I could literally feel my fucking dick ready to pop... For the past few weeks, for every damn project or assignment or lab that's been pressuring me, I've been feeling the pressure effects down below. And if you don't know what I'm fucking talking about, you might as well read the update I wrote down below a couple weeks ago... as goddam embarrassing as that was...

Now, I know that I haven't had a presentation in school since my goddam high school days, but honestly, it was just plain sad... I felt like I was going to orgasm a dozen times over during my damn presentation. I could just picture it now - when it was my turn to speak, the first fucking thing to come out of my mouth would be "ooohh" as my eyes glaze over... right in front of my professor's wife, of course... how charming...

Luckily, when it was finally my turn to speak, I lost all sense of frustration and pressure, and of course just acted like my cocky, pompous presentation self... and afterwards? All the weird masturbation feeling down in my extremities was finally gone... but the real question is, why the fuck was it there in the first place?

What the fuck has been the matter with me for the past few weeks?...

... Seriously.

Why the fuck have I been...

... so... damn...

... horny?...

... it doesn't make fucking sense...

...

... I don't know... To be honest, I even feel horny right now. I feel like I really, really want a girl to grope my penis. I simply can't stop thinking about fingering a female's loins, and I don't know why. I've had wet dreams for almost the entire week, and unlike most nights, I actually enjoy them... I don't remember why the hell I ejaculate in my dreams. I don't remember the women, or the humping, or the tea cups, or the fucking FAGan inspections, or whatever cause me to spurt in the first place... All I do remember, is that last night, I just felt so damn happy in my dream when I came. And that's not normal for me... normally, I just try to hold it in so that I wouldn't have to fucking wake up... but not this week... and I don't know why...

I guess it's possible that all the damn work I've been doing is finally started to get repressed in memory... and now that I actually do see some cute girls in my engineering school again (since some came back from PEY co-op from the year ahead of me... there's one really hot Chinese Canadian chick there... and then there's a reasonably pretty half-Chinese girl out there, who just seems to have a personality I really seem to like... go figure...)... now that I'm finally finding hope again that maybe one of these days, I won't be forever single?... and of course, I have been seeing the girl I always fucking talk about, fucking cuddling with that fucking boyfriend she stole from her former best friend this year... I guess the pent up jealousy can get to a person after a while, especially after she started wearing her hair in a way that actually reminded me of the days she actually was damn sexy...

... I just don't know...

... all I do know, is that while I love all the orgasms I'm having for no fucking reason whatsoever, I certainly don't love where and when the fuck I'm having them...

... at this point, I would page Dr. Freud or Dr. Kinsey... or just damn well see the movie...

... but truth be told?...

... fuck... I think I really need a girlfriend...

Y2kk Update: Well, I keep droning on and on, on my noname website at least, that this past week has been one of the damn best weeks for me in terms of entertainment... and that part is true at least, and finally even more true today, now that all my midterms are done and over with...

... but it certainly wasn't a good damn week for IvanF as a whole...

I already flamed myself over my piss poor marks on my download website. But while the goddam awful assignments and midterms kept pouring in and raining like cats all week long, the thing is... there absolutely was no worse day for me than this past Wednesday...

... or at least, no day has been that damn embarrassing... for a very long time...

... I mean, you can consider it an IvanFian sequel of some sorts... I've crapped in my pants a year or two ago, which I shall never speak of again... and in first year, I tripped going up the stairs at Union Station, and became a human bowling ball to damn my knee to a week of hell...

... but still, even if it's all been done before, I gotta admit...

God, was I embarrassed Wednesday...

...

No, I did not crap in my pants, thank you very much... but I did do something, a little more... intriguing, to say the least...

I was in my Multimedia lab at the time. And to be honest, I didn't have a fucking clue what I was doing... Thanks to playing Halo 2 the entire night before, I just wasn't prepared for this lab of mine, and normally that wouldn't have been a problem. People were saying the work was easy, and I've never really had problems with my Multimedia labs before, whether I come into the computer labs unprepared or not. So obviously I wasn't worried... Halo 2 does take precedence over all things else, afterall...

The thing is, the lab was so damn "easy", that all the A students were gone from the computer lab within half an hour... They had spent the last day preparing for it though, so I didn't feel that left out when the great exodus to beyond began... But then more people left. And then more and more... And it was only a matter of time until I looked at the code I had, and realized that I didn't have a fucking clue just why my solution wasn't solving the problem... fucking iterative Haar transforms...

Two hours passed in the blink of an eye... The lab was closing down, and there were only two damn people left in the damn lab. We were probably the two stupidest students in the entire class, but dammit, even this other guy seemed to have the solution working by the end of the lab... So I went over to his workstation and asked if I could take a quick peek at his code. And you know what?... It looked damn identical to what I had. It looked damn identical to what I fucking had for the past one and half hours... And I just couldn't explain it, I really couldn't. Why the fuck was his code working and mine wasn't?... I was going to get zero on this lab, worth 7% of my final mark, when literally everyone else in the entire room had already gotten 100%...

... and that's when it started hitting me...

... I started feeling... weird...

... at first, I thought it was just fear, right?... I mean, I've gotten butterflies in my stomach before, whenever I know I'm about to fail a test or exam...

... but no, this wasn't butterflies in the stomach... because the feeling sure as hell wasn't coming from my gut...

... it was coming from my... umm...

... my penis...

...

... my penis?...

MY PENIS?!

WTF?!?...

...

The thing is, I just scoffed and waved off the feeling at first. I mean, strangely enough, I have felt "fear" from my twigs and berries before... I've heard all the stories of people pissing in their pants when they're terrified. And although I wasn't terrified, I gotta admit, I was kinda panicking over the fact that I was just about to fail a damn "easy" lab... So I just tried to ignore my penal feeling. I just sucked it up and kept staring away at my code... But then something starting stirring down below...

... this "fear"... it was... so strong... and so... overwhelming...

... overwhelming?

WTF?!...

I could feel it coming. I tried to pinch the valve shut, but I honestly felt like my dick was going to explode... So I ran out of the room - calmly of course, as the TA was marking the only other guy left in the room besides me... But the damn thing is, as soon as I got out of the damn computer lab, I just couldn't hold it in any longer... I tried to get to the washroom, terrified now that if I happened to piss all over my underwear, that it'd trickle down my legs onto the carpet of the damn school... and I'd never live it down...

... but I just couldn't get to the washroom...

... and I couldn't hold it in anymore...

... I needed to relieve myself of the searing pain...

... I exploded...

... and...

... umm?...

... it felt...

... good?...

... Huh?!?...

WTF?!?...

...

... when I finally got to the washroom, I took a look at my soiled underwear, and... umm?...

... I didn't exactly piss in my pants like I thought I did...

... I had...

... came?

... Huh?!

I had... cummed?

Ejaculated?

Orgasmed... over a fucking Multimedia project?!

Seriously...

... explain that one to me...

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

...

Okay, let me get this straight... First of all, it was pathetic of me to somehow panick over a goddam assignment. And actually, that was damn strange of me too, considering I never felt that damn "weird" before, even after not knowing absolutely anything on goddam midterm tests before... I've never panicked. Not since I fucking embarrassed myself by crying to my fucking computer teacher in high school... fucking asshole...

... but let me get this all fucking straight... I was paranoid of losing 7% of my final mark in the course, so instead of pissing in my pants or any of the usual crap you hear from cornered animals, I literally orgasmed in the middle of fucking school?... So what? Intoxicating fear is now the ONLY way I can damn masturbate (since Lord knows I don't have the skills to make myself cum...)?...

Fear and failing = hot sex?!

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I just don't get it. I seriously just don't get it...

Now, I was relieved that I didn't piss in my pants, because sadly enough, I'm used to cumming in my own underwear (goddam weekly wet dreams...). And at least I knew that I didn't get any shit over the carpet of the school (or at least, I hope I didn't...)... But seriously, WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me? Why the fuck would I lose all control of my dick and actually explode in the middle of my goddam school? Over a fucking Multimedia project?! Seriously?!?... What, do fucking marks get me horny or something? Does failing actually get me hot?!

Seriously, I just don't get it.

What the fuck?!...

...

... well, whatever my "release" did (besides sticky up my underwear for the rest of the day), it certainly worked wonders for my project... After a guy masturbates, it's said that he achieves a moment of perfect clarity. Or in other words, he starts thinking like a girl... And as soon as I got back to my computer workstation (with the lovely scent of semen now salting the air...), I noticed something right away...

... in my code... for the past two hours...

... I had i to the power of 2...

... when it was supposed to be 2 to the power of i?

THAT'S IT?!?

For two fucking hours, I was too damn to notice 2^i is not the damn same as i^2?!

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!?...

...

Anyhew, I ended up fixing my code at the very last minute, and got full marks like everyone else on the assignment... So besides the embarrassment of actually orgasming in my pants over a fucking assignment (in a room completely devoid of girls, by the way...), at least I got my damn marks worth out of it...

I just couldn't live down the fact that I couldn't even hold in my goddam cum as I was heading to the washroom... I had hoped my fucking "kegel exercises" (holding in your piss midstream, in the hope of lasting hours during sex one fucking day...) would help actually give me endurance when it comes to holding in my orgasms, but nope - the moment it overwhelmed me, that's the moment my eyes just glazed over and my body went numb... how goddam embarrassing for me... fuck, it wasn't even pleasurable... not without a hot tit to suck on, at least...

... and I just couldn't live down the fact, that I was stuck in the lab for two fucking hours, and fucking fucked myself in my own damn underwear, over a fucking problem in one fucking line of code, because I was too fucking dumb to even read my own fucking math right?!...

... yeah, umm... I certainly wasn't paying attention to where I was going at that point... and unfortunately for me, that "moment of perfect clarity" that guys have when they cum, had worn off long ago... I was now back to my usual self... and I certainly didn't notice I was going up stairs at the time...

... and, umm...

... I tripped...

... fuck...

... now that was damn embarrassing...

... I didn't roll down the stairs into a flock of other people or anything, like the last time I embarrassed myself to stairmaster hell... But this time, I tripped on the very last stair going up to one of my buildings, and thanks to the weight of my fucking bag, I couldn't control where the fuck my legs were going... So I literally just kept spiraling forward, doing my best not to collapse onto the rocky pavement... And guess the hell what stopped my fall?...

I slammed head first into the glass doors...

... and then scrapped my knee on the ground , ripping my pants in the process...

... fuck...

...

I didn't mind the headfirst thing. I'm sadly used to ramming myself into walls and locker doors, just to get the other fucking embarrassing things I've done out of my fucking head... But God, I must've looked so damn stupid to all the people around me, as they just plain gawked as I swung my arms wildly like a maniac, trying to restore balance, only to keep teetering forward until I finally made a thud...

... yeah...

... bad day...

... yup...

... I think that constitutes a bad day...

...

Well, I spent the one and half hour trip home with wet underwear, and a fucking bruised knee... not bad for one's days worth of work, eh?...

I still don't get how the fuck my fear made me ejaculate, instead of just pissing in my pants like any normal guy would do...  I mean, I'm grateful that I didn't piss, considering that would've been hell to clean up. And who doesn't like a feel good freebie once in a while?... but I digress...

... because seriously... is it even fucking normal, to fucking orgasm over a fucking computer lab?...

... how the fuck am I supposed to know?...

Sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... because all I know, is...

... I really need to get some...

... I really need to bring a condom to the fucking computer lab next week...

... and I really, really ain't gonna live down that day, for a very, very long, fucking time...

Y2kk Update: Shit. I'm in so much shit it's not even funny...

... or just guilt, I think... just plain, knee deep, fucking guilt... and hopefully, I pray to God right now, just guilt and guilt alone...

... not that I goddam deserve anything at this point...

I can't believe I did this... I mean, I had a feeling I was going to do something wrong today. But I used to have that feeling all the time, you know? I didn't think it would actually come true this time...

Like I noted on my download site the other day, my mother tends to make me run errands with her... every single frickin' day with the car... And the thing is, I hate driving. I'm terrified of driving... My worst fear has always been to hit a pedestrian. I could never live with myself if I could... And hitting someone's car on the road would be just as bad, the way my mind would take it. And every single time I went out on the road, before I revved up that goddam engine, these were the two things I always feared most in my mind... Every single fucking time I went out on the road, this was what I always thought of. This is why I hate driving... I'm so damn afraid of making mistakes...

... and today, I guess I pretty much learned why...

As soon as I start driving though, I forget all about hitting pedestrians by accident, or ramming cars by intersections... Because I'm not actually that bad at the actual driving part. It's pretty easy, with the roads and malls I visit...

But there's always one lingering fear that never subsides, no matter how long I drive, or how many times I take the car out for a spin... I will never, ever seem to get over my fear of parking. Why? Because I just can't fucking seem to park... On my driving certificate test, I had to back up into a spot surrounded by two cars. And in all my endless attempts to avoid those cars, I didn't realize that I was sadly about to hit the car all the way behind me. So the driving instructor obviously slammed on his side of the brakes, and basically slapped me on the head to show me what the hell was going on... And you know what I did next? In my panic, I actually tried to REVERSE more, right into that car I was already about to hit. If the driver instructor hadn't kept on the brakes, I would've had my first accident... and I never forgot it...

... that was my 'what if' scenario... that is what I always keep in the back of my mind whenever I park...

... but obviously, that wasn't godd enough... not for me... not for today anyhew...

...

I mean, how the fuck could I actually hit a car? Except for that feeling of impending doom I always have, I really wouldn't have ever thought that today was the day that I would make my first costly mistake...

... no, I didn't hit a pedestrian... and thank God I didn't hit a moving car or anything...

... but parking... it's always about the goddam parking... and I just feel so damn bad about it, that it's killing me inside...

It seemed like a perfect parking job at first, the kind of which I've been doing for weeks now. I would line up in the center of the road, pull a 90 degree turn and end up right into the middle of the parking spot... But I don't know what went wrong today. Was I not in the middle of the road or some crap like that? Was it because the car parked to the right of me was too damn close to its yellow line... or the fucking yellow streak down my back?... I can make all the excuses I want. And it's true, that the Honda Civic next to me was only about an inch away from being parked illegally...

... but the fact of the matter is, I didn't notice. Not even once did I goddam notice... I just kept parking my merry ass way, oblivious to every fucking thing around me... it was sad actually - I was watching the side of my car, actually telling myself that I wasn't going to hit anything... never once noticing for one damn moment, that the edge of my car was getting too damn close to the goddam Civic in front of me...

... I was staring... I was checking... so how the fuck could I have never once noticed?...

... I got too close to the Civic... even when reaffirming to myself that everything was safe, I got too fucking close to the Civic...

... and I hit... it didn't feel like much, but I hit...

... and you know what really disappoints me? That I panicked... I didn't slam on the brakes or anything. I just sort of froze there... and let the car keep turning... my little hit became three more little hits... and then I had parked into my space, still petrified and paralyzed in paranoia...

I checked my spot. I was dead in the center of the parking spot, like I always expected to be. And it's true, that the Honda Civic was too close to the edge of its parking space for comfort...

... but then I saw the end results of my goddam arrogance and goddam road colour blindness...

On a $30,000 Honda Civic, a car that was sporting a spoiler and a fresh coat of paint... I had left a white, two inch long scratch on it... and all I could do was hide...

I can try to justify it as much as I want to myself... The car was silver, and the scratch was white. If the Sun wasn't shining so damn brightly, I wouldn't have even noticed the scratch myself... And the scratch was so damn thin, that it was even less noticeable than if some jackass had keyed the guy's car. A jackass like me, at least... I bet the driver didn't even notice that the scratch was there until long after he left...

... he was gone by the time I checked for his car again... I don't know how he reacted, if he ever reacted at all...

... but he will... that's all that really matters... he'll be pissed as hell, with no-one real enough to blame... and it's all my fucking fault...

Because it doesn't matter how invisible the scratch was or not. The fact is, the Honda Civic had an absolutely perfect paint job right until I ruined it... There was not a single scratch on the damn car before I showed up. And now there was this two inch long ass of a thing, just completely ruining the life of who I'm sure was a car fanatic in the end...

I could tell this person loved his car... Why else would the paint job be so freshly coated and washed? Why else would the spoiler and the whole design of the car be so sleek? It was a fucking Honda Civic for Christ's sakes - I don't know any guy who drives a Civic that wouldn't kill with his bare hands the person who scratched his car...

I didn't know what to do... in panic, I froze... I just sat in my car and closed my eyes, wishing that my stupid ass mistake had never really happened in the first place... but wishes just never come true...

... I didn't know what to do... and that's when my mom made the decision for me...

...

I should've left a note, goddammit.

I don't know what eats me up more inside. The fact that I was careless enough to hit somebody's fucking brand new Honda Civic... or that in sheer terror, I followed my mom's advice, checked that nobody saw the accident, and then drove away to park in some faraway spot...

... that's right... I'm a fucking coward...

... I'm a fucking criminal as well...

... hit and fucking run...

... what the fuck was I thinking?...

I wasn't thinking at all... that was the problem... I didn't know what to do, so my mom made the decision for me...

If I had left a note, my insurance would've gone through the roof. I'm already paying an arm and leg just for the ability to drive a car I simply don't want to drive... And if I was right about the person who owns the car I hit, he would've punched a hole right through my gut and made me his goddam bitch, no matter how invisible the scratch may have been... He would've owned my ass, and charged me like a thousand fucking dollars for all I know. And I knew I couldn't do that to my mom... I would pay whatever the costs may be, but I just couldn't do that to our insurance rates...

... so I ran... I parked all the way across the parking lot from the guy... I didn't know what else to do...

... at the time, I didn't think it was my call...

... but I was wrong... it was my fucking call to make...

... I've done some questionable things over this past year. Like getting a doctor's note for failed exams when I was never actually sick... Now, I can justify my actions all I want. Because it's not like half of my engineering class hasn't faked a doctor's note or fifty of them in my goddam hardass university... and it's not like nobody ever makes a mistake and runs away from it... Hell, in fear and in solemn hope for solice, I just called my brother. Turns out, he hit a bike a long time ago when he was first driving. He probably ran from the scene, otherwise somebody else in our family would've heard about it... He reassured me that everyone makes a driving mistake. And almost everyone in panic flees the scene of the crime, the first time at least, as long as they can get away with it...

... but so what, right? So what if everyone does it... so what if the scratch was barely noticeable without that glint of a bint of a ray of sunshine shining on my ass...

... the fact is... I hit a car... and I ran...

... and even if I don't pay for it with a fine... even if I don't pay for it with insurance costs... even if I don't pay for it, with a fucking fist through my face...

... I'm still paying for it out of fear... what if someone saw me, and wrote down my license plate number?...

... I'm still paying for it out of stupidity... how the fuck could I have ever been fucking careless enough to hit a car?...

... and I'm definitely, ever most definitely paying for it out of guilt... if a goddam "what if" scenario could haunt me for two bloody hell years, I think actually hitting a motherfucking expensive car will bleed my eyes dry until the fucking day I die...

I can never let any of my mistakes go... and hitting a car was bad enough... but running away from it?...

... my God... What have I done?... What have I become?...

...

... next time it happens... well, I'll make sure it never happens again. I'll almost never, ever park between two cars again... and if I'm ever forced to? I'll make sure to stop halfway through the turn, back-up, and straighten my ass out before I ever scratch another fucking car again... I'll never let it happen again. Not if my goddam conscience can do anything about it...

But what if it ever happens again?... I guess a person really can't know, whether they're a man of their word or not... not until you're actually pitted into the situation...

But right now... I swear that I'll leave a note... I swear that I'll live up to my promises, and actually take fucking responsibility for what I have done... for what I have failed to do... I just can't live with myself if I ever ran again...

... insurance rates are a bitch... and a bitch, squeezing the life out of my cock until all that's left is one dried up prune, is quite a bitch in itself...

... but this guilt I feel? The wrath I fear?...

... fuck... I'm even afraid of someone reading this update of mine and fucking reporting it to the cops...

... now that's fucking paranoid...

... shit... I'm in so much shit right now, it's not even funny...

... not to me, at least...

... I certainly ain't laughing... I certainly ain't proud...

...

... my God, no matter of money is worth all this...

... I mean, if I ever did again, what I did today?...

... doesn't matter if everyone does it...

... doesn't matter if there's six or more dents on my own car that still remain unexplained...

... all that matters... is how I feel...

... all that really matters... is how I fear...

... and if I ever did again, what I fucking did today?...

... I honestly don't know how I could live with myself...

... not again... please, not ever...

... best viewed in Netscape 3 (w/o javascipt on) at 800 x 600 resolution and 256 colours, because that's what I run at ...