Y2kk Update: The best weeks always become the worst...

The best weeks between us... they always become the worst...

I was just so happy when she told me, when she told me that she found a new job. That's the one thing and only thing that she has been confiding in me for the past few months, the one thing that allowed me to know that she did find me a friend, the fact that she was desperately looking for a new job. And I still remember the moment on Wednesday so clearly, so vividly, when we were descending down the stairs together and all of a sudden, she burst into cheer with those bubbly cheeks of hers, and smiled out a sigh of relief that she had just quit her job. I was so happy for her there, I genuinely was so damn happy. I never felt closer to her, or at least I don't think I ever have, both emotionally and physically, as my right cheek was just centimetres away from hers. I was suddenly overcome so much with the urge to just hold her, to hug her congratulations and wish that I would never have to let go...

... but I didn't... I didn't even touch her...

... after our smiles met, she simply turned away... it all faded, and the moment passed us by...

It was strange, in retrospect. Her confiding in me, that she had found a new job and that she had just quit, was one of the happiest moments in my entire damn life. I was just so proud of her and for her, that her dream for the past few months had finally come true. All I could think of was celebrating with her. All I gave a shit about was the hope that she would be happy. And I felt sure of myself for the first time in months, all because she had chosen to confide in me something that I was so scared and paranoid would just pass me by. No, it was more than just her telling me, it was the way she told me that made me so damn warm inside. She was literally bursting at the seams with joy when she blurted out the truth to me, and her relief was infectious. I couldn't have been more happy for her, and I couldn't have been more happy myself...

... but it didn't take long for the moment to pass us by...

... for the best of times to become the worst of times...

All I wanted was to talk with her about her new job. All I wanted on Thursday evening, was to talk with her about how happy I was for her, and all the little details of her new life at her new company. I just wanted to share in her happiness again, you know? All I wanted to do, was talk with her that night, like we always used to back when we were close friends. I just wanted to be by her side and tell her how I feel. And at the time, I was just so blinded with love, that I had forgotten how much it hurts deep down inside how little she cares for me in the goddam end...

I knew she was going to go walking together with that other coworker that she spends all her time with. That was fine though, I was willing to tag along and just join in on their conversation. And I apologize if I made it seem like I wanted to kick this other guy out of the group to her, and I apologize if I was intruding on their own private conversation, even though they had plenty of time to talk with each other the goddam night before. Either way though, when I went over to the desk of the girl at work and simply asked her out that night, the response I got back was just so fucking insulting and so fucking degrading, that it absolutely floored me by surprise. I completely didn't expect her to just goddam ignore me the way she did, not after how much she seemed to care and trust in me just the goddam day before...

I asked her out that night, telling her that I knew she was already walking with that other coworker, but that I had things to talk with her and was just hoping to tag along. First, she turned me down, just flat out said no, which was fine. But I guess I wasn't thinking straight, and imagining that perhaps she didn't hear me clearly, I goddam pressed the issue. I repeated that I had things to talk about, about her future and what will happen after she leaves this company. I was really hoping to talk with her, just to speak with her about these changing times and how goddam happy I was for her then and there, but that's just not how she saw the goddam situation in turn...

She continued to ignore me and just stared at her monitor screen, eventually uttering one damn line that I will never fucking goddam forget...

"What is there to talk about?..."

... an innocent seeming question... but one that completely smacked and shocked me with its goddam callousness and ignorance...

What is there to talk about? How about, the fact that she just got a new job? How about, the fact that she's leaving this company? How about, the fact that she is becoming a developer and moving into a completely new field? How about, the fact that we may never see each other, except for token lunches with the rest of her old team? How about, the goddam fact that I was happy for her, and that I wanted to celebrate with a fucking night out on the town on my fucking goddam credit card? How about, the fact that I thought she was happy too?...

And since when was it a chore to go out with me anyways? There was a time when we would ask each other out, just to walk and discuss things together, every fucking day of the week. There was a time when she would even get upset if I didn't start talking to her early enough in the afternoon, and yet now, here she was getting pissed that I had the goddam courtesy and decency to walk over to her desk and personally ask her out? What the hell happened between us for it to goddam become like this? She has no idea how much I care for her, and what drives me the most insane is that she doesn't let me show her that I do care. She doesn't let me say a word. What the fuck was so private and special between her and this other guy, that I couldn't even goddam fucking tag along? What the fuck is there to talk about? WTF?...

I didn't say any of this though. I just sort of stood there, deer in the headlights sort of syndrome, staring blankly at how goddam rude and condescending she was descending from high above off her goddam pedestal. And no, she didn't stop there...

She shrugged her shoulders. "What is there to talk about? There's nothing to talk about." Then turned back to her screen, as if I wasn't even there...

And that was it. That's all she said, and that's all she wrote... there's nothing to talk about... that's all she had to say...

She had finally gotten her wish, her one dream that she has been confiding in me for the past fucking four months. And yet here, after her dream had finally come true just twenty four hours earlier, when we were so happy together that I was almost ready to kiss her then and there, she flat out tells me to my face that there's absolutely nothing to talk about between the both of us? What the fuck is wrong with her?...

... seriously, how fucking insulting can she be?...

She has no idea how much she can fucking hurt me. She has no idea how rude, condescending and goddam bullshit elitist she really can become. She has no idea how much pain her fucking comments burned in me as I simply walked off, not being able to think of anything clearly in my mind but for the fact that I am goddam alone. She can't be the one for me, not if she treats me this way. Not after all the fucking ways she's ignored me for God knows who else...

I just went back to my desk and sat there staring at my screen. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to think. And just as I had predicted, right in front of me, the girl at work left the office with that other fucking coworker in tow. Right on schedule, right on cue, the two of them left together, obviously with so much to talk about that I simply could not have been included. Obviously, of course...

Before you two readers can even begin to think that this other coworker has become her boyfriend or some shit like that, keep in mind that he's a forty-year old hag that so many in the office find goddam disgusting, for spending all his time with a twenty-four year old girl. Everyone I talk to in the office does not understand why the two of them spend every fucking lunch together, and leave together from work almost hand in hand alone. If they are lovers, it's the most sickening, disgusting situation I have ever encountered in my goddam life, but I know that the two of them being a couple is simply not the case. Instead, she feels safe with him, she really does. She trusts him, she confides in him everything, simply because there is no chance of them ever being a couple. He is a good man, I'm not disputing that, but the two of them would not be together ever, if she did not force the issue and choose to be there by his side. She's the type of girl who runs away from romance and her goddam emotions, and I simply cannot deal with having my feelings fucking goddam hurt every single damn hour of the day as a result...

And as I saw the two of them leaving, I realized something in the pits of my stomach and the core of my heart. That last conversation we had together, the one where she told me that there simply was nothing left to talk about between the both of us?...

... it was and will forever stand as the very last time we talked as friends...

... and one of the very last times that we will ever speak, period...

The next day, the very next hour, I started something that I should've began a long time ago. Seven months prior to the fact to be exact, when I first told her my feelings for the very last time...

... she's leaving the company in less than two weeks...

... but as far as I'm concerned, the woman I fell in love with left a long time ago...

I'm happy for her, I really am truly happy that she found her dream...

... but I've said it before, that whatever we had together is over...

... I will not spend the rest of my days living the life that I am right now...

Because the best of weeks...

... the best of weeks between us...

... always manage to become the worst...

What else is there to talk about?...

... there's nothing left to say...

... nothing...

Y2kk Update: It's been a slow week for me...

... well, not really... work has been a total bitch thanks to an early server push to production that went straight to hell...

I made a few gaffes, a few mental mistakes along the way, so I spent the early parts of my week churning my stomach in the hopes of fixing whatever problems I had made. None of this, or hopefully none of it, would've happened if only my stuff had been properly tested with a later release date to production. Management wouldn't listen to QA or I when it came to our warnings, but whatever, I had my faults and I did my best to correct them. And unfortunately, I feel like I've gotten sick with goddam ulcers along the way...

... although the shitty ass production push wasn't the only thing to cause me to feel ill...

The thing is, as usual, the girl at work is the only person on my mind. Lately I've been wondering, what is there in this for me? How am I even helping her really? What do I see in her, and really, does she honestly see anything in me? I've fallen for her, I really have. I wouldn't think night and day of her if I didn't. I just don't really know anymore why I feel and fell for her, you know? Was it just proximity, being the lonely code monkey falling for the only girl at work who gives him the time of day? Or is there actually some meaning here, some hope that one day if she and I ever do get together like I keep dreaming we will, that some connection will be there to sustain whatever I feel for her? Or are we really destined to become distant friends and nothing more?...

It's a cold, hard question, but one that I think of every time she honestly makes me swoon. What was it about her that made me fall for her in the first place? Because these days, it's getting so hard to remind myself just how much I did and still quite honestly do care for her. A large part of it in the past was just how happy I seemed to make her every time I made a joke, every time I heard her laugh, and every moment that we just spent together talking about things. Was the only reason that I fell for her in the first place, simply because she seemed to fall for me?...

The other week, after more than an entire month of silence from her end of things, I finally went over to her desk to just start some chit-chat. And she was just so damn happy and relieved that I was there, after an entire month of her choosing to ignore me, that I couldn't help but feel positive and optimistic about things between us from that moment on. And we did go out for walks to Union a couple of times since, although I would've definitely preferred to have been able to talk more often than that. For the past two weeks, she's pretty much denied my requests to just go out and spend some time together, except on Wednesdays when we at least seem to be able to walk to Union Station. And those days, while I can't say I truly do feel the same magic I used to whenever she was around, I definitely do go home with a smile on my face. Just being able to talk with her, when she's alone and honest and truthful with me, honestly does make me happy. It's the little things in life like that I cherish...

It's just that, even though I gave myself to her and opened my heart back up by asking her out again, it hasn't really changed anything in how she acts towards me. When it comes to any other time but the moments we walk together to the train station, and even during those most of the time, she just shows absolutely zero concern and connection with me. When I'm feeling ill, she never bothers to remember the fact or even ask if I'm feeling better. When it comes to talking to me online or just coming by my area, she rarely ever says hello or waves to recognize that I'm even there. She's still constantly ignoring me for almost everyone else in the office, even though at least she's stopped ignoring me every time I've been there right by her side. She still acts like I mean absolutely nothing to her, when I know deep in my heart that that's simply not true. She was just so happy and relieved when I showed up at her desk two weeks ago, but nothing has really changed or improved between us since then. I really don't know what to think of the situation or what to do...

A large part of me would surmise that she simply has lost interest in me, that all the mistakes and pain that I've caused her in the past cannot simply be washed away with a random smile or two here and there. But still, if I want any single reminder of why I just fell for her in the first place? Call me shallow or naive or whatever, but a single look is all it really takes for me to want to be with her all over again...

What I mean is, during the early parts of this past week, there were a couple of times when just by accident while we were talking, our eyes would just lock and we would go silent for a second while staring at each other, you know? We don't mean to, or I didn't at least, but it's a strange sensation that during the middle of somebody's sentence, all you can concentrate on is the face and beauty of the person you're with at that very moment in time. And it's not like it's just a one-sided thing either, as she too just gets lost in my eyes, if only for a moment. There is something real and definitive between the both of us, but it just feels so cold and barren when the only things that truly remind me of just how warm she can be, in the end only lasts two or less damn seconds of real time. Sometimes, it feels a lot longer, but it doesn't change the fact that almost every other minute we share with one another now feels just plain awkward...

I have feelings for her still. Strong feelings, that simply cannot be ignored. But the fact of the matter is, whatever bond she and I share, it's just not going to lead anywhere at this rate, not to the point to which I want it to become. She has her own life, filled to the brim with tons of friends from across the globe and a packed household with a huge family. She feels fit not to include me in that life of hers, as she barely tells me anything about herself as it is. After a year of knowing her, I find that I'm still no closer to being intimate with her than I was before, either as a friend or something more. She just doesn't trust me, and she doesn't seem interested enough in putting her faith in me to one day become the man that she might be hoping for. I keep hoping that the sudden silence of stares that we share do signify that someday, we might be more than just friends. But that's the same damn hope I had almost a year ago to this day, and now I find that I'm still just goddam repeating myself over and over on this goddam website of mine here...

Things just haven't changed from the way they were when she was ignoring me for an entire month, and thus, the rules haven't been altered as well. She's her own woman, and it's her choice in the end whether she wants to give me a chance or not. I'll always be there, more or less, as the pathetic little back-up in her pocket, pretending like I'm alright with just being her friend. I'm sure she has more than enough of those lying around for her liking, but even so, that's just the only kind of person I can be at this point, as it just hurts too much to try to let her completely go. But in the meantime, what else can I do but just wait and let her live her life the way she wants to live it? If she chooses to ignore me, if she chooses to follow some other path that doesn't include me anywhere with her, then that's her call and there's not much I can do about that. Not anymore, when she still chooses to pretend like I don't exist, even when I saw how fucking happy she was that I was simply there by her side...

There are just some days, that I can't even remember what reasons I have to stick by her side the way she treats me at times. This past Friday, I was feeling ill from some sort of stomach crap, and although I guess I shouldn't have gone over to her in the case I could infect her, I still gave her a visit to say goodbye for the weekend. The thing is though, she was completely unappreciative of the fact I was there, instead ignoring me to read up on whatever she was researching on the net for another friend. She acted like I shouldn't be there, that she didn't want me to even have said goodbye. I just sort of stood there stunned and awkward, hoping to come up with a topic to talk about, or for her to at least give me some recognition that I was alive. But she never did, she just kept on staring blankly at her monitor, occasionally turning back to me with a look in her eyes that told me to just go away. Whatever reason she had to ignore my very existence, I will never know. I just know that as much as it hurts and pains me to do so, at this point in our relationship, I just have to let her live her own life and move goddam on...

It's been a slow week for me, at least in retrospect. One filled with ulcers and depression and all that other shit...

I can't really remember much from it anymore. The moments just pass me by now, as I really have no good reason to want to remember anything that happens to me these days...

I may think of the girl at work all the time. She's the only true person on my mind. But it scares me quite a bit, that the only real thoughts I've had of her this week, were my remembrances of just why she and I can never work as a couple. She does not have and never has had any goddam real concern for me, either for my very existence or my well-being...

Even when things were relatively going well between us, she was still the exact goddam same...

... the more things change, the more things stay the same...

... the same old story, the same old shit...

Sadly, yes, I will always keep hoping, hoping for more...

... but really, I do know it will lead to nothing...

... one year removed from this very day...

Y2kk Update: I sort of broke my word...

... but I'm kind of happy, or at least relieved, that I did...

I swore that I wouldn't invite her out after work again, unless she ever asked me to. The thing is, she never really did, never truly with words at least. But I just couldn't stand by and do nothing, not when I swore that I could see her crying out for me in her eyes...

... I'm so sappy and pussy-whipped, I know... but I'm still not upset at myself for what I did...

There were two Thursdays in a row that she went crazy on me, although the first one I can sort of understand. I wrote about it in my last update, the first Thursday she blew up at me, about "poking" her with questions to see how she would react. But the thing is, even though I didn't do absolutely anything to her the Thursday that followed, she still seemed completely unhappy and upset with me. WTF?...

It started off in the morning, when she came for stand-up to talk to me about work. The thing is, before stand-up, I always do message her on IM in the morning, just pleasantries and greetings and all that other shit. That Thursday though, when she came over to my cubicle, the moment I said "morning", what was her response?...

"You already said that"...

... and then she didn't say anything else back. WTF?...

I just shrugged it off though, as sometimes she is kind of annoyed at my repetition of pleasantries in the morning. She never used to be, back in the days when things were better between the both of us, but it wasn't a big deal. I had told myself I'd let her live her own life, so what purpose was there for me to get angry or upset? She did seem a bit out of it the day before, having to roam about the office to do a bunch of work errands here and there. She had offended me that Wednesday night by leaving without even saying goodnight, but I didn't really think anything of it at the time. Not until the Thursday morning after, at least...

After a brief pause of awkward silence, she finally said to what I thought was both me and my coworker, "How did the shadowing (training) go yesterday?" And the thing is, I wasn't actually there the morning before for the shadowing. I had taken my parents to the airport for their trip to Hong Kong and China, so knowing all that in advance, I had cancelled the shadowing meeting I had with the new employee that the company had hired. I was thinking to myself after I thought the girl at work was asking me how it all went, that maybe she completely forgot that I had told her I would not be here Wednesday morning. Maybe that was why she was upset, that maybe she didn't remember why I didn't message her on IM early the morning before...

So that's when I responded. All  I said was, "oh, heh, you do remember that I wasn't here yesterday morning?"...

And, well... that's when she bitched at me back in a tone that was far too grating and eye-rolling and loud to be said in the goddam office...

"That's why I was talking to him and not you!" And she certainly said it all louder than I really think she should have...

Now, obviously by that point in time, I didn't really give a shit about trying to make her feel better or any crap like that. She had just made me feel like total shit, bitching out at me in the office place with my boss hanging right behind me. Why the fuck was she so pissed at me that morning, I really couldn't tell. If she knew that I wasn't there yesterday morning, then she would've known that I fucking goddam cancelled the fucking shadowing session (although apparently, I guess my coworker did talk to that new trainee sometime during the day). And even so, even if I was mistaken, why the fuck did she raise her voice at me like she did? She was fucking unbalanced there, practically on the verge of tears in her eyes at just how furious and angry she was at me. And why, honestly? What the fuck did I do? WTF?...

I had no clue, really. I didn't do anything that week differently than I did before, not to my recollection, except perhaps that I left work Monday and Tuesday before she did, without asking if she wanted to come. Normally, for the past fucking month of her ignoring me, I've sacrificed my early trains to get home, just to wait around the office doing absolutely nothing, hoping that she would just fucking ask me out already. But she never did, and it was getting pathetic how I was waiting for this woman for an entire fucking month, just to tell me I could ask her out again. I started hating myself for doing that, for being so damn naive and pussy-whipped, that I made the choice just to screw it all and leave work at my old, earlier times when she and I used to go out together for a walk. And since she still wasn't talking to me at all during the goddam day, I didn't bother asking her out. Simple as that, the only difference between this week and any other week she has ignored me, was that I simply goddam didn't bother to wait for her anymore...

Was that what was bothering her then? That I left Monday and Tuesday early on and without her? Is that why she didn't even say good night to me the Wednesday that followed, and then completely bitched out at me Thursday morning? Honestly, the only thing racing through my mind while she was with me at stand-up, was to actually goddam confront her about how goddam moody and possessive she was acting towards me. But since I was in the goddam office and not willing to fight with her the way she was trying to argue with me, I curbed my tongue and said nothing at that stand-up. I literally said absolutely nothing, because the only thing I had in my mind were goddam insults and goddam frustration...

And what was her response? She saw that I was silent, she noticed I really wasn't saying a word I wanted to say, so completely in an antagonistic manner, she tried to goat and bait me on...

"Why aren't you saying anything? Say what's on your mind. Say something!"

Goddammit, she almost screamed that at me. WTF was she trying to prove? She was just so fucking furious, and I really didn't know why...

And all I could do was shrug my shoulders and claim I have absolutely nothing to say. Which was true enough. There was absolutely nothing I wanted to say in the middle of the goddam office like she was bitching at me there. And I really said nothing at all until she left. Even then, I could barely think properly. I couldn't believe what had just happened. She basically came to me in the middle of a feud, something that has been boiling for the past fucking month, all because she has fucking ignored me for that long and I was sick and tired of trying to deal with her shit...

The thing is, I didn't want the office environment to be the way that it was that Thursday. I just didn't want to see her hurt like that, as I swear, she was almost on the verge of tears. Whether she was just going all hormonal, or whether she really does have feelings for me and she showed them there, I couldn't just let her keep on feeling that way...

I'm no knight in shining armour or any shit like that, but I could clearly see she was in pain. And I knew I was the fucking cause of it, simply because she was alright with everyone else in the entire fucking office. She was fine talking to my coworker next to me, but she looked at me with fury in her eyes every fucking time. She was perfectly normal with that coworker she normally goes with for lunch, and while she was talking to him, she completely ignored me and didn't even acknowledge the wave of my hand. And later in the afternoon, while her IM message was that she was too busy as hell to talk, I caught her in the kitchen just joking and chatting away with another coworker from her office section. All I did was wave hello to the both of them, and then what does the girl at work do? She tries her hardest not to stare at me, and then as soon as I turn my back to get some water, she leaves the kitchen without saying a word. I know that I was the only one she was fucking really pissed at that Thursday afternoon. But why, seriously? What did I do? WTF?...

So yes, I caved in. You can call it that, but it's also what a friend should do. Even if there's nothing ever going to be between the both of us, she is still a woman and a human being with needs, and I couldn't stand seeing her so fucking angry and so fucking depressed like she was that Thursday morning. She may have seemed mostly normal with everyone else that she was talking to that day, but it shows that the moment that I show up to disrupt her phoney mood, she's just too damn hurt and too damn upset to even deal with the people she's trying to be pleasant with. I didn't want it to turn out this way, and to be honest, it never would've ended up at this point if only she didn't lie to me for all those weeks she was goddam fucking ignoring me so...

But I realized something that Thursday. Yes, it takes a lot of strength to just break off from someone that you care for, and often that's the best solution for both parties to move on as quickly and easily as possible. But obviously, both from our office proximity and from the fact that we're both simply not the type of people to get over and move on from one another, I can't be the type of person to just break things cleanly off and claim that nothing ever bothers me. The fact is, I want to be a good person and yes, I do care for her still. As long as we are friends, I would prefer to fucking keep it that way, in all honesty...

Fuck, it honestly really feels like we're in a relationship here. The glory days were in March and April and maybe even May, the honeymoon period so to speak. Since then though, we fell on some harsh times, June and July and such, though we fought through them with at least some decent communication and honesty. But since August, and since that fateful lunch in September, I have received nothing but the cold shoulder from her. She initiates nothing between us anymore, neither conversation or even friendly fucking pleasantry gestures. I feel like I don't know her anymore, and I feel like I'm going through the same sort of shit that every couple goes through after their goddam honeymoon grace of a period. The problem is, her and I are not a couple. We never have been, and I just can't talk to her then as if we ever were...

I can't deal with my feelings by just ignoring her, as my download updates will attest to. But if the last two Thursdays were any real indication, it's that she can't deal with her feelings either by just ignoring me. Yes, she cares about me, more than she will let on. I make her go crazy the same damn way that she makes me go insane. If only I could speak with her, if only we could talk, then maybe things could be right...

So I broke my word. I did what I swore I wouldn't, but after that Thursday, I just didn't give a damn about my promise to myself. The following Friday afternoon, after yet another day of just ignoring each other (not to mention the first day in almost an eternity that she didn't even show up for morning stand-up), I went over to her desk late in the afternoon and simply said to her hello...

My God, she was just so fucking happy that I was there. She was practically beaming and glowing with delight. Maybe it was all because I had just shown her a sign that she had won the fight, or maybe she genuinely was relieved that I wasn't mad at her for the day before. I really don't know anything, except what I felt and saw there, and she was just so overbearingly warm and cute and bubbly and almost flirty with me, as if nothing from the past month mattered to her then and there. It wasn't just an act either, I've been with her long enough to know that she was depressed one moment and then suddenly overcome with relief the second I gave her my smile. We chatted about the little stupid things in life, reminiscent of our days when we used to walk together to Union Station almost every single day. It was a nice, nostalgic romp back through history, but with the history that we two now have, I could sadly feel there that it would be goddam short-lived and fall on deaf ears...

I asked her out that night, just to walk together to Union. She turned me down though. I knew she would turn me down...

... she was just so happy that I was there, so fucking relieved, and I guess I was too...

... but it didn't make a damn difference in the world... it hasn't changed one single fucking thing between the both of us, even still...

She still ignores me on IM every single day, and she still claims she's too busy to talk with me, even after I noticed that other coworkers in the office were sending her messages and e-mails left and right and she was responding to every single one of them on her computer but fucking mine. This past week, even after I asked her out on Friday and even after I now show up at her desk every single late afternoon, she still chooses not to talk to me. She never initiates conversations, and she barely recognizes I'm there until I show her I care...

She doesn't want me to leave though, every time I visit her she keeps telling me I can stay, but she still never talks to me. She just sort of sits there, minding her own business, continuing to do work or browsing the net for random psychology shit, meanwhile I'm just on a leash under her thumb the whole time through. It's embarrassing at times, how she treats me with absolutely no courtesy or respect. But the moment I try to leave, she finally starts talking, she finally starts warming up to me, as if only then she stops taking me for fucking granted. She just wants to know I'll be there for her, and I don't know if I can truly do that or keep this up. She just seems to like having me around, either as a backup or a friend. She just wants my company, and I can sense that. But I just don't know if that'll ever be enough...

She cares for me. Yes, whether she ignores me or not, I can see that in her face, her eyes, her whole expression. Even the way she extends her hand to me, asking me to warm hers up if she feels too cold, I could tell that sometimes she wishes that things were alright between the both of us, for our relationship to return to the way it once was. I could see she longs for the same damn dreams and ideals as I do, the simple wish that the feelings could be goddam repaired between the both of us...

I don't know if they can be, though. At this point, being with her really does feel like being with a long lost friend that you just don't really care much for anymore. I have feelings for her still, strong feelings, but they almost feel segregated and disconnected now from the actual girl at work herself. Every time she ignores me, it hurts for a second. And then I swallow my grief hard and tell myself it does not matter. And now, even when we're together, it's like I'm talking to someone who isn't even there. I don't know if we can ever learn to trust and enjoy each other's company anymore. What it feels like right now, is that the two of us are perfect strangers, yet the both of us feel too strongly for one another to every truly let each other go...

It's strange though, that even after saying all this, sometimes my dreams defy my logic. For the past two Sundays, my nights have been filled with visions of her just being by my side, cuddling in a bed, mushing our foreheads and just giggling with one another over just how warm we feel together as one. These dreams, they're just so vivid and lucid, they almost feel real at times. And sometimes I even delude myself into thinking it really is her in these dreams, that maybe the joy I feel in them could someday become real. It's just her and I, smiling at one another as we gently stroke each other's lips and cheeks. And it all feels so wonderful compared to the cold, harsh contrast of waking up to the goddam truth. I keep on wishing that this was reality, that this was my future at the very least, but everything I feel when I'm actually with this woman in goddam reality, reminds me of nothing more than the goddam hard, bitter truth...

She literally is the girl of my dreams, and she has been for so very long now. And she cares for me, she really does. But I will never know if she cares enough, or if she has the courage and maturity for this to be anything more than it is right now...

We both have to let go. We both have to goddam let each other go at some goddam point...

But right now? The only way I can deal, the only way I can seem to live with myself, is to go on spending time with her. To go on, trying to rekindle whatever we had and once shared with one another...

As time passes by? A part of me keeps on hoping that we will refind that connection, that we will fall into each other's eyes just once more...

But from this past week? The reality seems to be, I guess, exactly what I meant to achieve by she and I ignoring each other for the past goddam month...

The more time I spend with her, the more I realize that there just isn't anything real between the both of us any longer...

As the days and weeks go by, the more and more I goddam realize...

... that I am starting to deal, that I am sadly starting to wake up...

... that perhaps, she just isn't the one for me...

Y2kk Update: If there ever was a sign that whatever we had is over, this would be it...

I know that we were never together. I know that she and I never really shared the same feelings. But it doesn't seem to matter to me at all anymore. It doesn't seem to affect how I feel about her or how I feel about the whole situation now. I honestly feel like we have broken up, there's really no other way to put it. I wish it weren't so, I wish I wasn't feeling the way I do...

In a sense, I guess this was the last week where she and I had a chance. I forget why she was starting to warm up to me again, maybe it had something to do with the final moments of last week, but she was somewhat speaking to me on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was the final day where we had a chance to click I suppose, but I don't know what to make of it, whether it has any real significance in the grand scheme of things or not. I forget what happened in the morning of that day, but I do remember what occurred in the evening...

She was busy doing her own thing again away from her desk, but I messaged her at the end of the day anyways like I always do. I was expecting at least a goodbye from her online as soon as she arrived at her desk again, because at least she always has the decency and courtesy to give me that. The thing was on Wednesday, when she got back to her computer, the only thing I saw was that she changed her online status from away to being free, and just when I was expecting her to respond to anything that I had wrote her, she completely went offline. Just like that, she disappeared offline without even a mention of anything that I had written. Not even a fucking goodbye. WTF?...

Yes, I was pissed. No matter how pathetic our relationship had become, no matter how silent she may be during the bulk of the day, at the very least we always say good morning and good night to each other. It's the least we can owe one another, after being such good friends just months ago. But for the first time that I could ever recall, she just disappeared offline without even sending me a single word. And truth be told, against my better judgment, I became furious. I was thinking in my head how I was going to let her have it, how I was going to bitch at her about all this the morning after, for not even having the courtesy to say goodnight to me anymore. I was so damn fucking red-eyed with anger, that I didn't even really notice her standing there next to me as I was shaking my goddam head...

I don't know whether she came over to me because she wanted to talk to me, or if she was just looking for someone else who had just left a minute before. But as soon as I saw her? I guess it made sense that she wouldn't say good night to me online, if she was going to do it in person for the first time in what feels like an eternity. She just sort of stood there and stared at me, eventually asking if I was getting ready to go yet to catch the train...

The thing is, if you two readers out there can recall, I told her pretty much a month ago by this point (after she had shot down a week's worth of I asking her out) that if she ever wants to talk with me again after work? That she'll be the one who asks me out, not the other way around. Logically and emotionally, it makes sense. She's the only one who knows her own schedule, she's the only one who knows what she wants. Meanwhile, it was cutting me deep to the bone every time I asked for just fifteen minutes of her time to chat, only for her to turn me down every single evening. The problem has been, I've been true to my word, and she hasn't asked me out in over an entire fucking month now. The silence has been killing me, but here she was for the first time in ages, essentially waiting for me to leave with her. Or so I was hoping would be the goddam case...

But she never really did ask me out. She had asked, "are you going to catch your train?" It was close, and I was almost ready to just get up and leave with her simply because of how much I've wanted her to talk with me again. But the thing is, I wasn't sure whether she was really there to speak with me or if she had just stumbled into my area looking for that other coworker who had just left. I've promised myself not to shove myself back into her life, that I will not force the issue if she doesn't truly want me there by her side...

So I simply responded with a simple question of my own, "did you want me to come along?"...

... her reply?...

"... no, it's okay. Good night"...

... and then she just left...

It was a simple question, a yes or a no. If she had just said yes, I would've shut my computer down then and there, and felt so much better simply because she had finally done what I had asked of her over a month ago, to just fucking ask me out. But naturally, she responded with a clear cut, "no", and then just departed like I had offended her or some shit like that. Like I said, I will not break my word, and I will not force my way back into her life. Whether she actually did want me by her side despite her words, I do not know, and I can't trust that I will ever know. All I know is her answer, and she turned me down. Part of me wishes that I had never asked the question in the first place, that I could've just assumed that she was officially asking me out and that all would be right in the world. But still, all she had to do was say yes, that's all she had to do. She couldn't even do that for me, and that really was the end of it all...

Things got worse on Thursday, they really did. I tried not to hold anything against her, as it's not her fault that she doesn't care about me at all, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset that she couldn't even tell me 'yes' for the first time in an entire fucking month. Meanwhile, during the day, a card was being handed around to be signed for someone who was leaving the office for another job. The thing is, I used to talk with this fellow all the time when we sat in similar locations, and my first impression was, why didn't he tell me he was leaving? Considering though that he and I have barely spoken since we first moved to our new office locations, I guess he never got a chance to see me after he made the decision himself. That was fine, I guess. I was fine, I suppose, until I saw on the card who had already signed it...

I overreacted, I really honestly did. Who cares if she signed the card, right? In the back of my mind, I kept thinking to myself, did she already know that this guy was leaving the office? Why didn't she tell me about this? Or at least, why the hell didn't she tell me about the card in case I missed it? Isn't that just the polite and courteous thing to do, especially considering that she and I (according to her) are still friends? Why did she keep me in the dark, I kept festering to myself. I was irate, I really was. WTF?...

The only thing I could concentrate on, was that even two months ago, she wouldn't have hesitated to talk to me about at least some sort of neutral thing going on in the office, like a mutual coworker friend leaving for a better place. But in the here and now, one month removed from whatever fucking made her choose to ignore me, she wouldn't even message me about this kind of shit, about a fucking card being passed around the office? What the fuck was the matter with her? That's all I could think of, so I did something completely dumbass and regretful in my spite. I fucking messaged her in frustration and called her on it...

I was angry, no doubt about it. I asked her if she knew that this guy was leaving the office, and she happily (almost too happily) replied yes, he had told her a while back. So I called her on it, that she was ignoring me, that she wouldn't even tell me about anything here that she knew. She retorted back that this guy had asked her not to spread the news around the office, which I guess is fine, I can accept and somewhat agree with that. Now sure, the girl at work should've known that this other guy and I were on fine and decent terms, but if he really did ask her to stay silent, I can respect that...

What I could not respect though, was that THE FUCKING CARD for his going-away was being passed around the office, and that she had already signed it without telling me that it was going around. The fucking proverbial cat was out of the bag, his departure was no longer a goddam secret, yet while I was calling the girl at work on all this, she kept reiterating like a goddam answering machine that she will not spread gossip or other people's secrets. She never once challenged my point that the card was already being passed around, instead choosing to change the subject and call me goddam "insecure" and fucking "paranoid"...

She was angry at me. Oh no, wait. Scratch that, I asked if she was "upset" with me, and she wrote back, "no". That's when she started torrenting and tormenting me with a goddam rant about how "annoyed" she was with what I had done, for not telling her straight about things and challenging her trust. She called me "insecure" about everything, "paranoid" that she was ignoring me. She claimed that it was "funny in aftermath", but not so much amusing in practice at the time. And seriously, how fucking condescending can she be? She claims she's okay, she claims she's alright, then tries to wound me from way up high on her pedestal, telling me how fucking open and honest she is in goddam comparison? She claimed that she stopped "poking" people with pretense, to see how they react, a long time ago when she "was young". How fucking elitist and arrogant can she really be to lecture me about all this fucking bullshit? And yet she claimed she was perfectly "fine" at the same damn time. WTF?...

But fine, fine, I do agree with her that I'm insecure, and maybe it's true that I am paranoid. It was wrong for me to argue with her over the going-away card issue, I agree with that. I was angry and goddam emo angsty, and far too tired in the goddam brain to be thinking straight, so I apologized for all that and I apologized for my deceit. She was right that I was being insecure, and I agreed with that too. It's just that, I had a fucking reason to be insecure, I had a goddam right and reason. So before my spine slithered away into mush, I made sure to once again bring up the damn topic that I've been demanding to know about on this very website of mine for an entire fucking month now...

I told her why I was insecure. Simply put, she hasn't talked to me in a month now. An entire fucking month. She apologized for it three fucking weeks ago, if not longer than that, and yet she just keeps on ignoring me every single day of the entire damn week. We've barely talked at all, and it all started from the very last time that we went to lunch. Call me paranoid, but I can't help but think that there's a correlation there, especially considering that she was angry (sorry, 'annoyed') at me that very same day about not being the best of buddies with that third wheel she invited to the goddam fucking place...

I simply asked her, in what hopefully seemed to be a polite tone and manner online, why she hadn't talked to me in the past entire month?...

If only she had told the truth, if only she didn't goddam lie to me like she always fucking does, I wouldn't be saying things are over. If only she told the truth, if she only fucking told the truth, then yes, maybe I could start trusting her again...

But she didn't. I know she didn't. Her response was the same as it always has fucking been...

"Projects are coming to a head. Haven't had much time to talk"...

... the same old shit... the same old lies...

How do I know it's a lie? Well, let's see here. It's been an entire month, and on many of those days, I have asked her if she was too busy to talk. She claimed she had nothing to do, that she was bored out of her mind, yet she still barely responded to anything I wrote her. And she still never messaged me once herself....

Just two months ago, she would send me links from web comics or pics from Gizmodo or any of the other stuff she surfs on the web every single day. Yet now, I get nothing. I receive nothing, I hear absolutely nothing but silence from her end of things. Even when it comes to lunch, she no longer messages me before she fucking leaves, even when I was fucking messaging her at the same damn time. It was last week that this happened, I was talking to her, and she just changes her status to "food" and leaves while I was in the middle of trying to start a goddam conversation. She was doing absolutely nothing work-related at that point in time, since the network servers where her work was saved were all goddam down. Yet she still wasn't talking to me, she still didn't give a flying fuck of a shit about me. And yet now she claims that she's still too busy to even message me once in a fucking goddam entire month? WTF?...

And even if she was that fucking busy at work, what about after work? What about all those e-mails I sent her, where I don't even get a single line of a response back? What about the fact that like I've said before, after asking her out for just fifteen minutes of her time an entire week straight, with nothing but 'no' as a goddam answer back, I've been waiting for her to simply tell me once again when she's ready to start walking and talking with me by her side all over again. It's been an entire fucking month, an entire fucking month of watching her leave work early to meet all her friends or to even talk and walk with other coworkers, and yet still I find myself waiting for even a single fucking sign. The closest I got was on Wednesday, and even then the official word from her mouth was to turn me down. Like I've said before, I've watched her leave the office with coworkers and friends and all that other shit every single week, and she knows that I've seen her having the time of her life and all the time in the world for these other people in her life. And yet still, she claims that she is simply too busy to talk with me for just fifteen minutes a day? WTF?...

Life after office hours is her own business, but what about lunches? That was another thing that I just couldn't stand on Thursday, the fact that I knew she was going out for a work lunch with coworkers. Hell, the Friday before, I was there when they were talking about it, and I even asked if maybe I could be invited to it whenever they decided to go. Thursday then came, and from overhearing some conversations, I knew that the worker lunch was indeed happening, yet not once did I get messaged from the girl at work. In fact, she never once mentioned this goddam lunch to me again after I was fucking there in the meeting room when it was first being planned. And yet here, once again, she was claiming that she was simply too busy at work to even message me once during her lunch hours, during all those times that she's conversing and communicating with all the guys that she was planning to go out to a fucking meal with? WTF?...

And here, with the card? Yes, I admit I overreacted, as it's just a going-away card for a guy I barely speak to anymore at work. But it's the principle here that gets me, it's the concept here that guts me, that before she went on vacation and before things turned sour, it didn't matter how much work she had to do in the day. She was probably much busier than now six months ago, when she was messaging me at every turn, when I literally got a response from her every single minute of the day or so. To quote my numbers on gmail, sad as it is to quote these numbers, there were a few days there that we even spoke up to a combined 1500 lines. She was talking to me a lot and she was most definitely enjoying it, so much so that she even asked me out after work all the time until I so stupidly became insecure about it all...

All she had to do here was message me that a card was floating around for our mutual friend at work, that's all she had to do. One fucking line out of her entire fucking day, that's all I wanted, and yet still she refused to do it, still claiming that she was too fucking busy. WTF?...

Whether it was just forgetfulness, a general lack of courtesy, or whether it was all done in goddam spite, it doesn't really matter at this point. After an entire fucking month of silence from her, after an entire fucking month, I just can't take it. I just couldn't take it. I overreacted, I called her on it, and then she blew up at me. Simple as that, and that's the end of it all...

I can apologize for attacking her over something so trivial. I do feel guilty for lying to her, testing her to see how she would react. And yes, she is right, that I am insecure and I am rather paranoid about things...

But seriously, is it any wonder why? Can I really be blamed after I told her how I feel all those months ago, after I told her how much I cared for her, only for all this fucking goddam bullshit to happen to me? Is it really my fault, when I've been trying to get through to her for the entire past fucking month, only to be met with nothing but lies and goddam fucking stone cold silence as a result? WTF?...

I would've been alright, if only she didn't fucking lie to my face all over again. I would've been alright, if only she would tell the truth...

The sad thing is, I know in my heart that she truly believes she's telling the truth. The same way that she uses semantics to claim she's not "upset", "angry" or "mad", yet starts a rant at me of how wrong I was to attack her like that. I'm sure she has convinced herself that she really is too busy to speak with me, that she really is too preoccupied to even spare fifteen minutes of her time. How the hell she manages to do that to herself, fully knowing that she spends almost all her weeknights and weekends whooping it up with her friends, I will never know. All I do know, is that I can't get through to her at all, I just fucking can't. She won't listen to a word I say, not anymore at least...

She argues that I'm insecure, and she's right. I admit that she's right. I am insecure. I'm not denying that, and probably never will...

But as strange as this is to say, I'm secure in my own insecurity. I'm confident in my complete lack of confidence. What I mean is, I choose to be this way. I choose to be open, I choose to be honest, and I choose to let myself feel and experience the goddam truth...

The problem is, it opens me up to pain. It opens me up to being hurt. But I know in my heart, that this is truly who I am, that this is the person that I truly want to be. The last thing I ever want is to become the goddam type of person who fucking lies to themselves...

She's a completely different and foreign person to me in that regard. Maybe that's why this will never work. She twists the truth so that she never gets hurt. She believes she never lies, she honestly claims she does, and I'm sure that in her mind she's telling the goddam actual truth. But I know that she is never actually true to her feelings, that she never fucking trusts the way she feels. I don't know if I can deal with a person like that, a person that's this fucking dishonest with their own goddam self. I just don't know if I ever could deal...

This whole time, I've been dreaming and wishing that she would feel about me the same way that I feel about her. But the sad truth of it all, is that it's time for the complete opposite to become my goddam goal. It's time that I work and strive my hardest, to view her in the same damn ignorant light that she now sees me...

... as in, I have to cut her out of my life...

... as in, it's over...

I care about her, I really do. But the pain at this point, it's just not worth it. Not when I see no chance of ever getting through to her, not anymore. I have no chance and I have no choice, I really can't see it any longer...

I don't want to hurt this way. Not anymore. And the only way to stop the bleeding, is to let the painful memories go. To let it go, and to let her go. Whether she means to hurt me or not, it no longer matters. I have to forgive her, forget her, and just move on with my goddam life...

If she could do this to me, if she can ignore me for a month straight and then lie to my face about the very reason why, then she can't be the one for me. She just can't be, no matter how I feel about her. If she's not the right woman for me, then I should just stop wasting both of our times and just let her live her life the way she wants to live it. I need to cut her out of my life, that's the only damn solution I can see...

... though it's all easier said than done, I know...

... I know, I already know far too well...

If there was ever a goddam sign that it's over, then this would be it...

... at this point, I just want to make peace with all this...

... I just want to forgive and forget and move on...

I don't want to be angry with her anymore, I really honestly don't...

... she can't be blamed for how she feels... neither can I...

... and my only choice, my only chance, is to make the feelings stop...

Because yes, I am insecure. Yes, I am paranoid. And yes, she may be right...

... but no matter how much I want to, now matter how much I wish...

... I just can't trust her... I wish, I wish I could...

Y2kk Update: That's one week down...

... one fucking week...

... the first week of the rest of my life...

This weekend was meant to be special. My brother and sister came over, to try to make up for forgetting my mother's birthday. We surprised my mom with Hot Pot, and the entire family sat down and shared a meal at the household dinner table together, for the first time in a very long time. And I think it helped, my mother and how she was feeling about the whole situation, I mean. With my brother now living in his own house, and my sister getting married in just a few more months, my parents really did seem to feel lost in the shuffle of life. It was nice to slow things down, and it was a nice gesture for my brother and sister to share a long, warm meal over hot pot, just so that the whole family could have something to talk through for hours...

The problem was, for me at least, I couldn't talk. Or didn't know how to talk for that long of a period of time. I've always been more of the type to enjoy the discussions before and after a meal, but during the actual dinner itself? I don't know, but I just sort of feel strange about eating and discussing at the same damn moment. For Chinese Hot Pot, we had literally hours of time to speak with each other as the food boiled right in front of us. My brother, he was amazing at bringing up new discussions and new topics. There was barely ever a boring moment with him at the table. But what did I contribute, what did I have to offer up and say? It's only family I was with, I know, but I was barely a competent dinner partner with even them there. And the whole time, I couldn't help but feel worthless and somewhat demoralized all over again, knowing that what I am or who I feel I can be is just not good enough for her. The girl I've fallen for, that is. I'm just not who or what she truly wants...

I feel lost. As emo and angsty as this all sounds, I don't know what to do with myself or with the scenario I find myself in. I don't know what to do with these feelings of mine. I don't know what to do with her...

Because yes, this is all about the girl at work again. I have feelings for her, strong feelings that simply will not go away. And like I said last week, if only we were a couple, I'd work my hardest to make this relationship work, as I really do feel that she's worth it. I really do feel that she's special. When she smiles, she honestly makes me happy, in ways I could never realize alone...

But we're not a couple. We never have been. I can't let myself forget that fact. I can't ever allow the delusion of my goddam reality all over again...

It was about a month ago now, or three weeks give or take, that I last asked her out to walk with me after work. It's always been the single most special thing we ever had, in my honest opinion at least, since it was the only time that we truly could open up and talk to each other on private, intimate terms. It was during these mere twenty minute walks that I learned more about her and her desires in life than I ever did otherwise, and I honestly cherished these moments like nothing else in my modern life. But after two weeks of asking her out, only to get cock-blocked by a fucking brick wall of pure indifference and apathy the full way through, I told her simply and succinctly that she alone knows her own schedule, that she alone knows when she wants to talk and when she wants to walk with me after work. I explained to her that whenever she's ready and no longer 'too busy' to spend time with me, that all she needs to do is ask, and I'll be by her side all over again...

... but it's been almost three weeks now...

... almost a fucking month, and still no fucking sign...

The reason I stopped asking her out every single night, was because the rejections I experienced honestly goddam hurt. And while truthfully, keeping to myself every time she leaves without me does somewhat help stem the pain, it certainly doesn't stop the curling of blood. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better, about her or myself or us in the goddam end...

On Monday, she came into work dressed in what I considered to be a very hot outfit. It was just a simple white T-shirt, Chinese FOB style, but it just made her curves seem so cute and so feminine that I honestly couldn't help but stare. She wore skin tight jeans, the kinds of which that honestly drive me crazy in the faint hopes of tearing them off. And her shoes, she seemed to be wearing her most expensive high heel slippers, and my God, they fit so perfectly with her feet that I couldn't help myself from drooling at the perfection. She honestly came into work looking so hot as hell that Monday morning, but she sure as hell didn't intend to dress that way for me...

Her friend was leaving for Japan soon, so I can understand why she would spend the evening with him, of course. But what I couldn't get, was why she seemed to always dress up for him, every single night that the two have been going out for the past goddam month or so. Was that the reason that she was ignoring me so, because this other man was always on her mind? I asked if the two were close, and her only response was that he was an old university friend. Was there ever a connection there, ever an attraction or potentially even more, to make her constantly seem to wear the hottest clothes for him and perhaps him alone? The Monday before, she was wearing an adorable little sweater that had me begging for more. Before that, she was wearing a beautiful blouse she bought in Hong Kong, another symbol of fashion that she always seems to conjure up for this one friend of hers alone. WTF?...

Of course, that made me jealous. She dresses up for this other man, but never for myself. She was spending the evening with him, and spending a night literally every week with this guy, so of course I would find my curiousity peaked and my emotions running rampart. I understand that he was leaving for Japan, but why did she always treat him with a special sort of respect that she never gives me? I just felt so worthless compared to this significant other of hers, no matter what kind of relationship those two really share behind the scenes. She treated him like the apple of her eye, simple as that. And I was the distant backup, always have been and always will be...

But I guess perhaps, this friend of hers didn't share her opinion eye to eye. Turns out, by the end of the day, he chose to join a going away party with his other friends rather than the intimate dinner or whatever that she and him had previously planned. I personally found that choice of his to be rude as fuck, but of course, the girl at work pretended to shrug it all off. I tried to comfort her, and perhaps even court her to some extent, because she honestly seemed distant and distressed that this man that she had quite obviously dressed up for was simply not interested enough to see her that night. And to be honest, all jealousy aside, I felt bad for her, I really did. No matter how much of a piece of shit I'm treated by her, I still don't want to see her feeling the same damn way. I wished I could help, and in some retrospects, I did try. But I just wasn't the guy that she wanted to comfort her, simple as that...

I didn't ask her out that night, but I was so hoping that she would in turn choose to spend some time with me. But of course, that's just never the case, as I really am nothing in her field of view. When I asked her what her plans were for the rest of the evening now that she had essentially been abandoned, she claimed that she would try calling up a bunch of her other friends so that she could privately talk with them instead. Meanwhile, I was just standing there idle, asking myself why the fuck she wouldn't just at least ask me out for five or ten minutes of her time. After all these weeks, after almost an entire month of fucking silence, and after I was trying to give her some goddam moral support in her time of need, she was still shunning me and still leaving me out with the goddam cold shoulder. But whatever, it was her choice...

The next morning, I asked her how her night out with her friends turned out to be. And guess what? Naturally, none of her other friends had any time to spend with her, or perhaps she just didn't bother to call them up in the first place at all. Instead, she 'wandered' around for a little bit in Toronto merely by her lonesome, most likely thinking to herself while hurting from being shunned and ignored. Part of me was wishing that I had just asked her out the night before, but like I stated earlier, she has been ignoring me for a very long time now and it's just not right for me to shove my way back into her life. If she actually wants to spend time with me, to talk with me like we used to when things were so much better between the both of us before, then all she needs to do is goddam ask...

But of course, that very afternoon, she didn't ask. She simply left work with another coworker, at her usual time ten minutes before I myself need to leave. She obviously is not 'too busy' to go out with me for just twenty fucking minutes of her day, but it's obvious that she has absolutely no interest in confiding in me or hearing what I have to say. It's been like this since the last time we went for lunch, and it wounds me so deeply every fucking time that she treats me like I don't even goddam exist. She's chosen to ignore me and move on with her life, I know it, and I really should respect it...

Though what hurts me even more is that she was ill the Monday morning that she showed up at work in a tight ass T-shirt and those smooth, silky heels of hers. She was sick, she said so herself, and was barely feeling 'human' in her own words. Yet she dressed up like a real woman for this man of hers that was leaving for Japan, and then spent the night alone just contemplating things in the cold dusk of Toronto in the sunset of fall. Like I said, I realize that he was leaving for Japan, but there still was another week or two to wait. She still has time to meet up with him, she still can have that private dinner that the two of them will most definitely share. Yet in truth, she looked as depressed as I do whenever she turns my offers down...

I know she's hurting inside, I could sense that plainly and simple. But really, for her to dress up and dedicate her entire night out like that when she was fucking sick as hell as she claimed, for a guy she argued was not even dear or close to her heart? Either there's a fucking lie in there, or I really am nothing in her eyes if she's willing to do all this for just one of her regular, old friends. When was the last time she ever treated me this special? When was the last time she even dedicated twenty fucking minutes of her life to talk to me privately and alone? WTF?...

Things have been difficult and estranged between her and I for a long time now, but perhaps, the icicles began to thaw when it came to this past Friday. For the past week now, I've worked and talked with her while wearing a mask, the ever proverbial facade of pretending like things were alright between the both of us. Now sure, I do hate politics and I do hate pretense, but I don't ever want to see her hurt. More than that, no matter how I'm feeling about the relationship that she and I now have, I don't want to ever be the cause of her pain...

So I put on a face, a fake little snippet of a smile in the morning every time she came by to say hello. In the past, I would be open and honest and just show my depression if I wasn't happy that morning, but my infliction would then become infectious and I just didn't want her to share in my pained, painted expression. I didn't want her to be hurt...

At first, like always, I couldn't stand being a phoney whenever she came by for stand-up. But as the days wore on by, as expected, the mask starts to become a part of who you are. It starts becoming natural, it becomes second nature to just put on a fake little laugh and pretend like all is right in the world. And the thing is, I don't know if it's working or not, but she's starting to smile more in the mornings herself. Whether that has anything to do with me or whatnot, I may never know. All I do know, is that whenever she smiles a genuine smile, the pretense of happiness I have actually turns into something real. I just want to see her happy at times, you know? As sappy and goddam emo angsty as this all goddam sounds, it kind of is true. I don't like seeing her depressed, and I never want to be the cause for her unhappiness...

This Friday, she started speaking to me a bit, perhaps not with that many words, but with smiles and phrases and expressions that actually have meaning and emotion behind it all. Whatever pain she was hiding, whatever frustrations she was bearing inside, it just seemed like she was happy with me that Friday morning and afternoon, even choosing to at least spend her five minute break with I as her partner while eating a goddam apple...

But despite whatever progress we may have made, it still didn't matter in the end. Because like every single evening for the past fucking month, she barely even said goodbye before leaving out of the door. She just left with another coworker, even though I was right fucking there waiting to be asked. How she can be so ignorant or how she could be so cold, I may never know. All I do know, is that I was left feeling the same damn way as I experienced the very goddam Monday before. Either this was revenge, or this was simply pure indifference. In the end then, does it really matter?...

A huge part of me was wishing that I had just fucking asked her out myself. What if she was waiting for me? What if she was only being cold to me because I haven't taken her hand for the past two weeks myself? What if she wanted me to be there by her side on Monday? What if she wanted me to be there for her now?...

But then I forced myself to remember, there was a time when she used to ask me out herself almost every single day. There was a time when she would message me before and after every lunch, and shy away with the cutest of coy glances whenever she was about to ask me out to dinner. There was a time when she didn't ignore me for twenty three hours of the goddam day, and there was once a time when she did treat me as goddam special as she did that apple of her eye that Monday afternoon. There was simply a time, when things were goddam different between her and I, than the pure goddam indifference that she directs towards me now...

I can't forget the bigger picture here. No matter how much it pains me to hold my tongue, no matter how much I may want to ask her out, I cannot allow myself to force the goddam issue. I may claim to see in her eyes that she is begging for me to take her hand and just ask her out, but do I have proof? Do I have any real definitive evidence? Do I really have any fucking clue what she really wants in life, and what she really wants me to do? Because in the grand scheme of things, what does matter to me, is if she does want to spend time with me, if she does want me to be part of her life. But if she never says a word to me, and she just never does, while treating every other man in her life like they actually matter to her goddam heart? Then really, short story short, what more is there to say?...

I can pretend like maybe she's simply acting this way because she's hurting inside, that she is treating me so coldly and indifferently because I am different than all the rest in the corner of her eye. But the fact of the matter is, I asked her out for just twenty minutes of her time for two weeks straight. Twenty fucking minutes to talk in private, that's all I asked for. Yet she choose to live life alone or to worship these other men in her existence for entire weekends and evenings, while I was just standing right there, ever so painfully waiting for a response...

I may hope and dream all I want, but the cold hard truth of the fact is, I am nothing to her. I have to goddam accept that and just move on...

If we were a couple, if only we were together, I would never stop trying to be there for her. I would never cease asking her out, I would never stop asking for her hand. But we're not a couple, we never have been. And quite frankly, the way I see things from the way she treats me, we probably never will be. She just doesn't care about me, and there's nothing I can do about that except to let her be happy...

That's exactly what I've been trying to do, all week long. To just put on a happy face, to just shower and flower her with pity and pretense, to pretend like nothing is wrong, just so that she can simply keep on living her life the way she truly wants...

If she ever wants to spend time with me, if she ever truly wants me back, all she needs to do is ask...

... that's all she ever has to do...

... but I never hear a word...

At this point, I just want her to be happy. I just want her to live as she wants...

... I just wish I knew what she wants, that's all...

... I just wish I truly knew what makes her happy...

Because if she won't tell me? Then goddammit, all I can do is wait...

... to wait for her word, to wait for the truth...

... to trust in her, to trust in her word...

Because it all sounds like so much fun, now doesn't it?...

... this one fucking week of silence...

... the first week of the rest of my life...