Y2kk Update: You know, everyone has friends... some people have a lot of friends... that wouldn't be me... but I've never really cared for being Little Mr. Popularity anyhew... although I wouldn't mind being Little Ms. Popular, as long as I could grope at my boobs in the mirror all day, but that's besides the point...

The thing is, almost everyone seems to like to think, that they have a lot of close friends as well... That's usually a lie though. A real friend is one of the rarest things on the fact of the planet. And I never really try to delude myself into thinking that I have a whole arsenal of friends, who quite potentially could stay dear to me for a very long time...

No, I don't lie to myself about all this. I know I have one and only one close friend. Always have, and probably always will...

He was the only one who ever read this download site of mine. Or at least, he used to... until he got bored of it like everyone else on the face of the planet... But still, I still regret the day he moved to America. We still talk all the time, since that's what close friends do, but it really isn't the same...

Now, he came back over to Canada (with us being tucked all the way down south over there...) this weekend, for his university graduation ceremony at least (the most boring and politically rantful thing on the fact of the planet, I warned him...). After he got his degree, we went over to Toronto, and spent the day watching movies and dreaming of actually seeing something in Paramount theatres, a place I was sure as hell too cheap to ever damn afford... And yeah, I did the host thing and paid for everything. And I had a good time - I hope he did too... We talked a lot. I never stopped talking, actually... And I killed him in the usual video games when we got back to my place, just like the good ol' days when I used to massacre him every single week of the year...

Ah, good times...

But now he's gone again. And besides my usual guilt, after talking too much to someone and always afterwards fearing that I annoyed them to hell, I now realize I'm kinda feeling something else...

... heh... I never really noticed just how lonely I was up here alone...

Now, of course I knew that I was bored. Hell's bells, I can't even go to class, let alone sit still in it and walk a crooked line... But I have friends at university, you know? I've always had friends. And sure, probably the ones I had the most fun with, already left for co-op positions last year. But still, I still talk to a bunch of people at school. And probably the only friends leftover in my university grade, I hang out with for programming projects and stuff like that. And I haven't really felt lonely or anything when I'm with them... but after getting a taste of the good old days? Things just don't really seem right anymore...

Maybe I'm just feeling some lingering guilt or something, you know?... Now, on my websites (especially my MSN one, as abandoned as that site may be...), I still talk all about the inner urges I have. Because as a geek, I really am quite, quite perverted. And as a pervert, I don't really mind mentioning all the perverted things on my mind to people who seem to get a kick out of my distinct literal mindedness... or at least, they did at first...

It started around last Monday... In the computer lab, my friends were mocking me for being a pimp daddy or something (I already forget why...). So to one-up them, I decided to actually started talking about the shit that I normally talk on my website about girls... I told them that if I ever do get a girlfriend, she has to really, really ridiculously have a horny love for vibrators. Since I know I'll never be able to satisfy her with my... umm... size... the thing is, I really get off on girls getting off on themselves (or with other girls, but that's besides the point...). And if I can't get the job done, at least I want a girl who can get the kinky job done to herself... riding on a sybian, while having a couple of shivering vibrators attached to her clitoris as well... refusing to ever give in, no matter how hard she wants to explode... sigh... I just want to hear a really horny girl, weep until she can weep no more, that's all... is that too much to ask?...

... but I also told my friends that I would probably only be able to stand being with a virgin girl, which is the truth... I know all about the difference between the hymen and "experience". But still, I'm truly the jealous type... And I don't think I can ever manage to accept a girl who got off on a guy before I came around... And, sure having a lesbian-strapped dildo loving nympho, and the ideal notion that she's absolutely a pure and chaste virgin, are kinda mutually exclusive qualities... Sure, I would love to find a closet nympho out there, who gets off on perverted guys like me, but only after they find supposed "true love" with him and all that crap... but chances of that are pretty damn slim...

... and now I'm just afraid, because after admitting all that... chances are getting kind of slim, that my friends still think that I'm funny...

The problem is, all I said to them was true. About all the libidinous, insidious ideas I have... But the real problem is, sure they found that shit all funny at first... but I was really loud. As in, really really ridiculously loud about it all... in the public computer lab... where the guys were all nodding their heads in agreement with me, and the girls were just rolling their eyes at my chauvinistic chivalry... And not only am I afraid that I embarrassed my friends with all the peeping toms and weeping eyes (I wish...), but I'm also just pissed off again at myself, that I never know when to just shut the fuck up... Sure, part of the reason why I never quit ranting, was because my friends kept on asking me more and more questions of my pervertedness. But still, it's my fault really, because it's just innate in me - once I get on a comedic roll, I just never shut the hell up... until long after it's obvious my friends have lost interest in what I have to say, and I realize that in an hour or so time, I'll be feeling real damn guilty over just how much of a pompous jackass I was acting in that computer room...

... yup... one hour was about right... and I'm still reeling from the guilt as we speak...

I'm just embarrassed a bit, that's all... I've talked to my friends all week long without any trouble, but I still just feel like a complete doopliss doofus, that's all... And how does this make me feel lonely? I don't know... it was my own fault that I completely embarrassed myself, by giving a private Y2kk lecture to the entire room of geeky, porn addicted engineering students, but... still, if this was my close friend that I was talking to? He'd just mock me back, or even admit stories of his own, instead of eventually groaning at my groping fables of stories, and seemingly thinking that I was a certifiable wackjob of a handjob...

... my friends at university joked about what I was talking about at first, which was what I wanted... but when they grew silent?... Sure, I can't blame them. I was being annoying and all, and you can only take a joke so far before it gets boring, but...

... I don't know... I just felt... lonely... when they didn't seem to accept the true me...

... not the true me mind you, since everything we do and are is real (regardless of what we think...), but... I mean, they sort of got bored of me... the me that I usually prefer on the inside... the me I write on these websites of mine... the me who thinks he's funny... the part of me that kinda hides, that's all...

Bleh. I guess I'll shut the fuck up right now.

And just listen to Kim Jong Il from Team America, sing about how "wronry" he is...

... that was a bad song, but still... an otherwise great movie...

... and I can hope that my close friend comes back to Canada someday, in time to see America kick ass in Team America 2...

... or even better, I become filthy rich and head on over to America...

... fuck yeah...

Y2kk Update: Well, after two bloody weeks of endless assignments and labs (keeping me away from my websites, mind you...), I finally had my first midterm of the year... and truth be told, I don't think it went bad... or at least, not nearly as bad as the first assignment went for the course that I'm taking it for...

But goddammit, it wasn't supposed to be this way! Sure, I'm betting that I passed the midterm. But this is supposed to be my bloody hell bird course! It's fucking Databases, and it's not even a Computer Engineering course! It's just a bloody hell computer science course, the likes of which I told myself for the past three years that I could do well in, if only I could fucking get out of engineering... But now that I finally have to chance to prove that I was right all alone, that I fucking could've saved myself some shred of dignity if I just took computer science, now I find that my fucking bird course is fucking me over left and right. With all the goddam Relational Algebra and Calculus on the first assignment, I'm sure that I failed that damn paper. And while I didn't do nearly as horribly on the midterm, I still feel horrible, because this was the goddam course that I was sure that I was never have trouble in...

This course was supposed to be a walk in the park...

... Goddammit, I hate the park... but I digress...

...

Well, anyhew...

While this is old news for me, I never got around to writing it on this website, so this might as well be new news for you two readers...

The thing is, I finally got in contact with that girl I always talk about. And the first weird thing in our little conversation, was that she apparently moved to Waterloo... I don't even know why she didn't bother to just get a university transfer then to the University of Waterloo, if her entire family was now living right next to the goddam school. But she's still here, at the University of Toronto, now living as the old girl in an all girl residence of first years down the block... And it was just weird to hear that she moved, you know? I was wondering why I never saw her around, on the train or in the computer labs. And it just turned out, that she just isn't really around anymore. Not when he home is a five minute walk away... And it's also just weird, you know? The fact that finally, after this year, I will probably never get the chance to run into her again... She'll be in Waterloo or God knows where, while I'll still be stuck in the same damn places I've always been in life... And the thing is, it's not like I'll miss her... it's just that...

... I'll miss the hate...

... and hate leads to the dark side of the force...

... which obviously leads to her... all women are fucking evil, from what I can gather...

Now, I don't normally like to spread goddam gossip about others on this webpage, considering this site was all supposed to be about narcissistic me and only me... But seriously, I hate this bitch. I mean, after our conversation, I've made a conscious effort to try to be nice to the dame for a dime. I would wave my hand whenever I see her, try to start a conversation if she doesn't look busy, and blah blah blah. The kind of shit you try with your ex but also makes you feel like complete shit and ash inside, you know?... And yet whenever she's at school these days, she no longer waves. She no longer bothers to talk. She never says goodbye anymore, even if I said hello that very same day... She just plain goddam ignores me. She's back to her old bag of hag tricks, I see... And while I know I'm being phony myself, with the hand waves and crappy conversations and all, I just hate even more just how goddam "friendly" and "polite" she always is when I actually do talk to her... only to have her spit it all back in my face by just timely, rudely ignoring me every other time I see her...

... well, what goes around, comes around, we all hope is true...

There has only been one thing that has ever given me joy all year long in this goddam fourth year of university of mine... the goddam look on her former fucking boytoy's face at least... I saw them holding hands and always smiling with each other last year. And yet this year, thanks to some lovely bitchiness I assume, they sit on opposite sides of the lecture halls... The real fun difference though, is the contrast in their goddam looks... The poor fucking boytoy looks as depressed as he possibly can be, with a frown so upside down that he looks like he's fucking wanton in cheating the Japanese out of the suicidal Iron Chef handbook... Meanwhile, just on the other side of the room, the girl I always fucking talk about has this huge fucking smile on her face, like she's in some permanent O-face or some crap like that. She's always laughing, always flirting, and now hanging out with some new, poor male saps who probably all think they have a fucking chance with her...

And sure, her goddam prosaic, Prozacian bundle of happiness right now, just painfully reminds me of how damn callous and carefree jovial she seemed after our own alleged "break-up" (and I use that term very loosely...)... But still, it just makes me so damn giddy, to see the same kind of pain and anguish on this other boytoy fucker's face that I had on my own...

... what goes around, cums around...

... oh, good times...

... but I learned a bit more, you see...

It turns out that the girl I always talk about, is now going out with one of the smartest guys in my engineering university, the guy that she always used to talk about when she was actually a friend with me... I assume she always had a crush on him, but this guy was dating one of her closest friends at the time. Right up to the end of third year, actually... And I always thought back then, that at least she'd have enough decency to stay away from the big buff barf guy, as long as she valued her friendship with this other girl friend of hers...

But ah, I was a fucking idiot when it came to the world of feline females...

The very moment after her friend broke up with this guy, the fucking girl I always talk away made her move and swept away her man... she broke up with her old boyfriend I assume, and now she's fucking dating her best friend's ex... and obviously her and her close friend aren't exactly talking anymore... And it's just great, you know? Seeing just how damn happy the girl I always talk about is, compared with just how goddam maniac depressed she made her former best friend feel...

... doesn't she realize just how cruel and goddam evil she's being?...

... heh... I don't think she does... she's French, afterall...

So... not only is the girl I always talk about a complete easy, fucking floozy, willing to switch between one guy and the next without even a fucking thought of guilt crossing her mind... But she's also a complete bitch of a backstabber, kicking her best friend to the curb, just to get her grubby little fucking hands on the alpha male around these parts?

And yet through all this, she still has that fucking Joker of a smile on her face, seeming so sweet and innocent throughout all this, completely oblivious to the fact of just how much of a bitch she really is?...

... wow... no wonder I liked her...

...

Because I hate her.

And I've always had a thing for women I hate...

... so thank God she's pussy whipping some other poor slab into being her ideal form of putty mold right about now...

... because I sure as hell would hate to be him in just a month or so...

ATI: Well, ATI Catalyst 4.10 drivers were released quite some time ago... I'm sure whoever wanted them already got them the first day they came out. But if you haven't got it yet, and you want a bunch of bugfixes for Doom 3, then go ahead and have your merry downloading way at: http://www2.ati.com/drivers/wxp-w2k-catalyst-8-062-040929a-018115C.exe.

Y2kk Update: Well, I feel like a goddam dumbass...

I knew I would though. It was a simple choice between feeling guilty for the rest of the day, or feeling like a complete goddam retard... and I made my choice...

... I'm sick of always feeling like the guilty one... it's just that...

... now I just feel pissed off that I'm two dollars down the hole...

I mean, it was just an innocent walk over to the video game sectors of the city, as I seem to do all too often this year... The thing was, this bitch came out of nowhere, looking cruel and cold and rather calculating... more conniving than she seemed desperate... And I don't really know why she centered me out when there was a ton of other susceptible patsies just walking around the wing. Either way, she came over to me, and in a kind of bitter voice that no beggar normally asks in, she demanded that I give her $2 of my money, just so that she could buy a subway token back home...

... and, umm... right...

She claimed that she had lost her wallet. And being down this road before in first year, I knew that she was probably just one of those people, telling a sob story so she could buy a coffee or whatever with my chump change. So I flat out denied that I had any cash on me, even though I think she could hear all the Canadian dollars and quarters rattling in my pockets... I simply claimed, "I don't have $2 with me today. Sorry...", then looked away and simply tried to walk straight forward into the sunset... I had big plans, to just majestically sweep away... And normally that would work, right?

But the thing was, either she sensed a weakness in me... or maybe by some dumbfounded luck, she actually was desperate to go home, and actually needed my help (pfft... yeah, right...)... Either way, she stopped me again, and in a somewhat more polite manner (not much though...), she asked whether I had a subway token then... and the problem was, this was different than I was used to... Back in first year, whenever some asshole clown of a cow would come up to me and ask for goddam freebie money for his fake family, I would simply think to myself that it's obvious that they're lying about their need, if all they ask for is money, and not subway tokens or food or any sort of real crap like that...

... the stupid thing was, I promised myself long time ago that if any of those idiot morons would actually ask me for something else than money for once (... and a blow job... don't ask...), then I would be surprised enough to fucking give them what they want...

... I just never expected that it would happen, that's all...

So I had a conscious decision to make... If I didn't give her a goddam $2.50 worth subway token out of my pocket, I'd feel guilty about it all day long. And probably feel like a complete asshole, for breaking my supposed promise from first year... But I knew that if I ever did give her the subway token, chances are that she'd somehow find a way to use the fucking thing to buy whatever the hell she was actually trying to get at. Because it's just an utterly ludicrous idea, for a woman who just lost her wallet to be begging for subway token money off the streets...

So I had a choice... to be a complete asshole and feel guilty about it... or to be the naive dumbass and feel completely stupid about it afterwards... and, well...

I've been the former for far too long... so I gave in to the stupidity side of the force... and now I just feel like such a complete, goddam retard, that it's not even funny...

... hell, I didn't even get a thank you... although I guess that could be expected, given my bitterness and obvious contempt...

So I reached into my fucking pocket and pulled out a subway token. And with a slight roll of my eyes, I handed it to her, and grumbled that "I can't even trust that you're going to use this thing." And as I just scoffed and started walking away, instead of a thank-you for my supposed generosity, she simply retorted, "Oh, I'll use it...", in some cocky ass way that just screamed out that she had won a victory over me... I knew right from the start that her true Hollywood sob story was a complete fake. But I also knew just how damn bad I'd feel about it all day long, if I wouldn't just fork up the goddam subway token to a person that heaven forbid, might actually need it...

And now I feel completely dumb about it...

But is the utter feeling of stupidity, better than the utter feeling of guilt gulling up your gut? That's what I gambled on... but truth be told, it ain't feeling any better whatso-goddam-ever...

... and, well...

...

I'm more than a month into my fourth and hopefully final year of university already. And this is the kind of stories that I have to write?... I mean honestly, back in high school, I was expecting to have big things lined up for this download site of mine. Tales of cramming before tests, and drinking 24 beers a night... Fabled stories of first loves, and first losts, and maybe even some fucking sex to lighten up the goddam mood of the place... I was expecting my life to have some sort of excitement, you know? To have some sort of shit to look back to, and say hey, university wasn't a complete waste...

Dammit, I wanted my university existence to be better than my high school one... I mean, isn't that the cliche? The shy, timid, virgin little bastards in high school, all grow up and sexually experiment with God knows how many women at once in residence?...

Lord knows that's what my obsession did at her university... fucking slut... and that includes the God knows how many women at once part too... at least I can't complain over her about that...

But what do I have to show for it? I was the goddam shy, timid, timbit of a bit player in high school. And now in university? I'm even less than what I was before... Where's the rosy romanticism? At least back then, I had hope that I would still turn into some sort of interesting character in life. Or at some sort of tragic figure to go down with his boat... Why else would I start up my webpages? I was hoping to look back at my measly, meek, high school self in some sort of nostalgic, sappy light. And yet still, even in fourth year of fucking engineering, I read back at my older download updates... and see nothing but an exact mirror reflection of myself...

... hell, I see a better version of myself... goddam nostalgia...

Because I never did discover that "it" factor that so many people are enamoured with by university... I just never did find out that magical charm, that so many aging adults all clamour to desperately relive just once more...

I chose my university, the fucking University of Toronto, because I wanted a challenge. And I chose fucking computer engineering at U of T, because I thought that would actually give me focus in life... But I guess I just never found that balance you need in university, to figure out what to do with all that freedom you have... I mean, sure commuting three hours a day certainly didn't help things out much in the end. But even with all my free time that I did have at home, I never really ever studied until right before the midterms. I never ever did (or do...) assignments and labs until the very last day... Hell, I work on my goddam pointless websites at least twice as much as I've ever concentrated on university. And while a hell of a lot of students would simply agree, that that's what university life is all about - doing things at the deadlines, and leaving the rest of the time to yourself... the thing still is...

... those are arts and science and life science students saying that... and fuck them, I've seen their course curriculums. Everything but their big ass essays are so damn laid back, that they might as well skip more bloody hell classes than even I do in engineering... no wonder they have so much time to fuck...

Fuck.

I chose the Univerisity of Torointo. And the University of Toronto is all about academics. Hell, I chose it because of that... but still... I just can't help but wonder what life would've been like, if only I had gone to some other university... if I wasn't the person that I am today...

Would I have ever discovered that "it" factor?... would close proximity with so many cute as hell women, all desperately vying for every guy they can get to sexually experiment with, eventually get to me as well?... Would I have been a better student then? Would I at least have better stories to write on my goddam websites at least?...

... or would I simply have squandered my time as much as I am now?... Would all those women ignore me, for the same reasons that the few women I've become close to at my university ignore me as well?... Would I be borderline failing in engineering, no matter which school I go to (well, that one is doubtful... University of Toronto Engineering does have a reputation for a reason...)? And if I wasn't living at home, where I get some peace and quiet? I wouldn't even be able to guarantee that I'd be able to write on my websites, without getting some lame ass, trendy livejournal to keep all the assholes in rez from mocking and mucking up my work as I write...

I am definitely not a people's person... Because truth be told, a single person may be smart, but people are dumb and frollicky and sheepish and oh so horny... and while I definitely wouldn't mind the last in that description, the truth of the matter is, I've always been a single damn person. A cynical asshole of a person, who's too damn cheap to even give a $2 subway token to someone without bitching... but that's besides the point...

Now, I'm not going to go through this fourth year of university of mine, doing the cliche high school final year thing of trying to make a statement, of trying to make an impact, of trying to be goddam remembered... I'm just going to keep on going, being me, and mostly ignoring this website thanks to having absolutely nothing decent to write on it...

... but still... the thing is... as much as I hate my university... as much as I'm bored with my life right now...

... as soon as school is done? As soon as I get to move onto the so-called "real" world, where I finally may get to sexually experiment? Where I finally may be able to find a hot chick who turns me on seven times a night? And maybe get a bloody hell car and job and hopefully a damn fine television, that can finally earn me some sort of decent respect?... well...

... sigh... finally, I'd be able to miss the simplicity of high school...

... and sigh... I can't wait to finally miss the tedium and utter pointlessness of university...

... only one more year... I can only hope...

... only one more fucking year...

... of feeling like a complete dumbass...

... if that part ever changes...

ATI: Well, my computer died... I'll get into those details whenever I write that month late Tweakui update of mine...

I will fix that computer. But I also promised my material and power-obsessed dad, that I'd be getting a new computer come January of next year anyways... So for the first time in quite a long while, I've been computer hunting. And I've been thinking about an Athlon64 3200+, unless their Socket 754 motherboards truly turn out to be crap compared to their Pentium 4 counterparts... I'd probably go venture for a cheap 160GB refurbished, IDE hard drive or something. And I'm not concerned about the sound card or Wireless-B network card for now...

Because for me, the one thing to truly care about is the video card. Alweays has been, always will... And knowing that I want three games for the PC whenever they get dirt cheap (Warhammer: Dawn of War, Star Wars: Battlefront, & LOTR: Battle for Middle Earth), I don't think I can go lower than an X600 PCIE at least... and to run Half Life 2? Probably an X800 PCIE is my only bet, so I can only hope they get cheaper by the time January rolls around... unless I get enticed and seduced by whatever other video cards ATI has in store for the winter season...

Until then, I'm still stuck with my busted computer and a crappy Radeon 7200 PCI... And if you're stuck with a lowly Radeon card too, then go ahead and try to get some more performance out of it, since ATI released some beta Windows XP Catalyst drivers not so long ago... Don't know what they do, and since they're beta, try them at your own risk. But go ahead and hunt for them over at: http://www.ati.com/support/drivers/winxp/radeon-xp64.html. And meanwhile, I'll be computer hunting while procrastinating from school agian...

ATI: Well, since I've been looking at X800 reviews lately, I thought I might post a few links... Bjorn3d has one up for the PowerColor X800 Pro Assassin over at: http://www.bjorn3d.com/read.php?cID=699. Guru3d has one for the PowerColor X800 Pro over at: http://www.guru3d.com/article/Videocards/153/. Rage3d has one up for the Sapphire X800 XT at: http://www.rage3d.com/content/reviews/video/sapphirex800xt/.

ATI: Well, I seriously doubt that I'd reduce myself to getting a X600... but if X800 prices don't go down by January? Then an X600 will be all that I can afford... So looking around, AMDZone had one up for the Sapphire X600 XT over at: http://www.amdzone.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Sections&file=index&req=viewarticle&artid=57&page=1. And finally, Driver Heaven posted one up for the Asus AX800XT over at: http://www.driverheaven.net/#news58090.

ATI: Saw over at Rage3d that ATI released some new Linux drivers. Version 3.14.1 just does some bug fixing over at: http://www.ati.com/support/drivers/linux/radeon-linux.html.

Y2kk Update: While America is unfortunately getting hammered by all the hot sister hurricanes of my good ol', dearly departed Ivan, Canada up here is getting some of its warmest weather of the entire damn year... And you know what? It's really making me horny. Seriously...

It's weird, actually... Usually, the hot freshman girls of my university only are visible in the engineering sections during the first few weeks of school, when thanks to the hot weather, they tend to show off their boobs and bods to all the lonely ass guys on campus... But as we all know, Canadian fall seasons get a little bit creepy with the freezy and the nippy over here. And the arts and science girls go away, to go bunk away with as many casual sex partners as they can find in their bunks, before mouthing off about not having a relationship... But thanks to the very weird sense of summer climate over here right now, the girls aren't going away. And neither is my horniness in school... and it's just weird, you know? I can't concentrate on school. Not that I ever have been able to before, but still... Actually seeing hot girls in my area of the university campus? Even without ever getting a girlfriend, it's like fucking Christmas for a pathetic computer geek like me. And who could possibly study during Christmas?... well, besides geeks, at least...

It's not just on campus that the girls have been getting to me lately... I was renting a movie at a nearby Rogers Video the other week. And since I didn't have a Rogers card myself, I asked the girl at the counter about whether I could get one or not... This girl was cute, granted. A little chubby, but she certainly had the eyes, hair, and fair graceful skin to definitely get the attention of my hormones or whatever. She wasn't sexy seductive hot, but she had those kinds of cheeks and curves that just screamed out "take me". And, well... she actually reminded me a bit of my obsession, if only she were blonde and had glasses at least... And when I asked her about what it took to get a Rogers membership card? She responded in a bored sort of monotonous tone, that I needed a credit card or something... And since I don't have a credit card, I made some sort of lame joke to her to hide my patheticness. I forget what I said, I forget what my lame ass excuse was, but I do remember that she gave back the most slightest of nods of smiles... the kind of which I really haven't seen since the girl I used to always talk about, always goddam laughed at the dumb jokes I used to make...

I couldn't get a new Rogers card, but I did have my sister's membership card ready. So after a few minutes of perusing for a movie to rent, I went back to that cute girl at the counter. And the strangest thing sort of happened there... I mean, I know no girl has ever found me attractive, so I really don't know what the signs of it are. But, umm... honestly... WTF?

She seemed like she was... umm... flirting with me?... With me? Is that even possible?...

I mean, she smiled a lot while I was talking to her there. Talking about the Firefly series and whatever else I had there to rent... And she sort of looked at me with those pretty eyes of hers, with a kind of coy, shy, innocent but horny hint of glimmer in her glint... And she even touched herself! Not exactly where I was hoping she would in front of me. But she did sort of run her finger along her cheek, and stroke back her hair as I was talking to her... odourless yet scented signals, I thought they were... And, umm... It was just weird, you know? I kept chatting with her for about five minutes or so, because I just wanted to see if she would keep up her very strange behaviour around me, and only me... I mean, five minutes before, she had seemed completely uninterested in me. And yet now she couldn't help but keep giggling to herself? I mean, WTF?...

... mmm... fuck indeed...

... well... knowing pathetic me, of course nothing happened... after flirting back a bit I think, I waved a cheery and cheesy goodbye, and simply went back to my car a very confused man... I mean, was it even possible? A cute chick was actually interested in me?... But why?... How?!... Why?!?... all three very good questions, might I add...

... if you weigh the percentages, there's simply no damn way a girl that damn adorable would ever been interested in a Chinese nerd like me. It just didn't make sense, unless she really, really ridiculously found Joss Whedon fans to be hot, no matter what they looked like... But alas, chances are, the hot weather was just flaming up my hormones yet again, making me see things that really weren't there. Or if they were there, then just like with the girls on campus, women just act so much more attractive when the Sun is shining on their face, even to the ugliest guys they can find... Still, I really sort of wish I had done something more with this so-called "flirting" girl than just talking about television shows to her... I've tried to find her again, but she's never there in the store anymore... and I guess that's for the better, considering I seriously wouldn't want my phony built-up ego to be crushed by her bored dementia all over again...

... I seriously wouldn't want a dose of reality to finally sink in...

... but still, is it even possible?... for a girl to be interested in me?... if any of you two readers saw me, you'd know that should theoretically be impossible... but the stroke of the Sun can surely make girls stroke back their hair, in the most heart aching of ways... just usually not to guys at my bottom of the barrel like me... heart ache indeed...

... and speaking of heart ache...

... oh, I can never shut up about the girl I always talk about, now can I?... The thing is, I left third year of university all pissed off and disgruntled, thanks to the fact that this bloody hell girl I was interested in, finally got herself a new fucking boy toy to play with... They were holding hands by the time the summer had started. But their fling didn't really start then... This guy was already moving in on my territory, the damn moment that things fell out between her and I... As soon as I was out of the picture, this guy came out of nowhere. And with perseverance and his goddam boyish good looks, the girl I always talk about had her next goddam boyfriend. And it pissed the hell out of me all summer...

... the only hope I had left going for me, was that this guy would soon learn just why I left the girl I always talk about in the first place...

... and you know what? Damn straight, I think he did...

When I came back to university this term, I noticed something straight off the bat... This boytoy fucking guy I've always hated? He used to drive the girl I always talk about to the train station with his fucking car, even before they were going out. And yet on the first day back, here he was alone, seeming so distant and seeming so damn lonely on the inside... It could've been from different schedules between the two of them or something, right? But the pattern held true - for the entire first week, I never saw the two together... and I never saw either one of them seek each other out...

The final test came almost two weeks into the school year... Now, I only have one damn lecture with the girl I always talked about this year. And this one lecture just so happened to have that fucking boytoy in it too... And I cannot even begin to describe the utter grin of ubiquitous joy on my face, when I saw the two former fucking love birds, sitting on opposite damn sides of the lecture room... And you know what was even better? When the lecture was finally done, I saw the girl I always talk about, yapping it up and flirting with some other fucking boytoy she had found. And it was great really, to see the look on her ex's face when... well... just like it was after me, the girl I always talk about seemed so damn happy without the guy she used to seem to adore...

... no fucking guy likes to see the girl they used to like as happy...

That shit of hers hurt me real bad back then... but I couldn't possibly wipe that snicker off my chin this time around... Because seriously, I know this girl. She's probably crying about her fucking lost boyfriend every night in bed, just like she told me she did for all her old ex's. Yet whenever she's in public, she puts on the fakest damn smile and the most phony of polite "hello's", and completely acts as if she was the happiest damn bitch in the world... She did it to me after our little nuclear fall-out. And she was doing it to this poor damn bastard of a sap, the fucking boytoy assclown that I've always hated and loathed... and I was lovin' it!...

... oh, it's just so damn fun, seeing just how much of a bitch she could be, to someone other than me at least...

... yeah, I hate her... yet still love her at the same time...

... but at least I think, I've finally found a balance...

... and as long as the summer steamy heat keeps pounding here, and the easy freshmen girls keep bouncing away with their breasts... then by golly gee, school may actually be fun this term...

... oh, except for those party of five or so projects due next week that I haven't even started on yet... but I guess that's all besides the point...

Because it all just sounds like so much damn fun, now doesn't it?...

... and if only I could just find that cute Rogers girl again, maybe it can be...

... well, if I was a completely different person than I always have been, at least...