Y2kk Update: If there ever was a sign that whatever we had is over, this would be it...

I know that we were never together. I know that she and I never really shared the same feelings. But it doesn't seem to matter to me at all anymore. It doesn't seem to affect how I feel about her or how I feel about the whole situation now. I honestly feel like we have broken up, there's really no other way to put it. I wish it weren't so, I wish I wasn't feeling the way I do...

In a sense, I guess this was the last week where she and I had a chance. I forget why she was starting to warm up to me again, maybe it had something to do with the final moments of last week, but she was somewhat speaking to me on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was the final day where we had a chance to click I suppose, but I don't know what to make of it, whether it has any real significance in the grand scheme of things or not. I forget what happened in the morning of that day, but I do remember what occurred in the evening...

She was busy doing her own thing again away from her desk, but I messaged her at the end of the day anyways like I always do. I was expecting at least a goodbye from her online as soon as she arrived at her desk again, because at least she always has the decency and courtesy to give me that. The thing was on Wednesday, when she got back to her computer, the only thing I saw was that she changed her online status from away to being free, and just when I was expecting her to respond to anything that I had wrote her, she completely went offline. Just like that, she disappeared offline without even a mention of anything that I had written. Not even a fucking goodbye. WTF?...

Yes, I was pissed. No matter how pathetic our relationship had become, no matter how silent she may be during the bulk of the day, at the very least we always say good morning and good night to each other. It's the least we can owe one another, after being such good friends just months ago. But for the first time that I could ever recall, she just disappeared offline without even sending me a single word. And truth be told, against my better judgment, I became furious. I was thinking in my head how I was going to let her have it, how I was going to bitch at her about all this the morning after, for not even having the courtesy to say goodnight to me anymore. I was so damn fucking red-eyed with anger, that I didn't even really notice her standing there next to me as I was shaking my goddam head...

I don't know whether she came over to me because she wanted to talk to me, or if she was just looking for someone else who had just left a minute before. But as soon as I saw her? I guess it made sense that she wouldn't say good night to me online, if she was going to do it in person for the first time in what feels like an eternity. She just sort of stood there and stared at me, eventually asking if I was getting ready to go yet to catch the train...

The thing is, if you two readers out there can recall, I told her pretty much a month ago by this point (after she had shot down a week's worth of I asking her out) that if she ever wants to talk with me again after work? That she'll be the one who asks me out, not the other way around. Logically and emotionally, it makes sense. She's the only one who knows her own schedule, she's the only one who knows what she wants. Meanwhile, it was cutting me deep to the bone every time I asked for just fifteen minutes of her time to chat, only for her to turn me down every single evening. The problem has been, I've been true to my word, and she hasn't asked me out in over an entire fucking month now. The silence has been killing me, but here she was for the first time in ages, essentially waiting for me to leave with her. Or so I was hoping would be the goddam case...

But she never really did ask me out. She had asked, "are you going to catch your train?" It was close, and I was almost ready to just get up and leave with her simply because of how much I've wanted her to talk with me again. But the thing is, I wasn't sure whether she was really there to speak with me or if she had just stumbled into my area looking for that other coworker who had just left. I've promised myself not to shove myself back into her life, that I will not force the issue if she doesn't truly want me there by her side...

So I simply responded with a simple question of my own, "did you want me to come along?"...

... her reply?...

"... no, it's okay. Good night"...

... and then she just left...

It was a simple question, a yes or a no. If she had just said yes, I would've shut my computer down then and there, and felt so much better simply because she had finally done what I had asked of her over a month ago, to just fucking ask me out. But naturally, she responded with a clear cut, "no", and then just departed like I had offended her or some shit like that. Like I said, I will not break my word, and I will not force my way back into her life. Whether she actually did want me by her side despite her words, I do not know, and I can't trust that I will ever know. All I know is her answer, and she turned me down. Part of me wishes that I had never asked the question in the first place, that I could've just assumed that she was officially asking me out and that all would be right in the world. But still, all she had to do was say yes, that's all she had to do. She couldn't even do that for me, and that really was the end of it all...

Things got worse on Thursday, they really did. I tried not to hold anything against her, as it's not her fault that she doesn't care about me at all, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset that she couldn't even tell me 'yes' for the first time in an entire fucking month. Meanwhile, during the day, a card was being handed around to be signed for someone who was leaving the office for another job. The thing is, I used to talk with this fellow all the time when we sat in similar locations, and my first impression was, why didn't he tell me he was leaving? Considering though that he and I have barely spoken since we first moved to our new office locations, I guess he never got a chance to see me after he made the decision himself. That was fine, I guess. I was fine, I suppose, until I saw on the card who had already signed it...

I overreacted, I really honestly did. Who cares if she signed the card, right? In the back of my mind, I kept thinking to myself, did she already know that this guy was leaving the office? Why didn't she tell me about this? Or at least, why the hell didn't she tell me about the card in case I missed it? Isn't that just the polite and courteous thing to do, especially considering that she and I (according to her) are still friends? Why did she keep me in the dark, I kept festering to myself. I was irate, I really was. WTF?...

The only thing I could concentrate on, was that even two months ago, she wouldn't have hesitated to talk to me about at least some sort of neutral thing going on in the office, like a mutual coworker friend leaving for a better place. But in the here and now, one month removed from whatever fucking made her choose to ignore me, she wouldn't even message me about this kind of shit, about a fucking card being passed around the office? What the fuck was the matter with her? That's all I could think of, so I did something completely dumbass and regretful in my spite. I fucking messaged her in frustration and called her on it...

I was angry, no doubt about it. I asked her if she knew that this guy was leaving the office, and she happily (almost too happily) replied yes, he had told her a while back. So I called her on it, that she was ignoring me, that she wouldn't even tell me about anything here that she knew. She retorted back that this guy had asked her not to spread the news around the office, which I guess is fine, I can accept and somewhat agree with that. Now sure, the girl at work should've known that this other guy and I were on fine and decent terms, but if he really did ask her to stay silent, I can respect that...

What I could not respect though, was that THE FUCKING CARD for his going-away was being passed around the office, and that she had already signed it without telling me that it was going around. The fucking proverbial cat was out of the bag, his departure was no longer a goddam secret, yet while I was calling the girl at work on all this, she kept reiterating like a goddam answering machine that she will not spread gossip or other people's secrets. She never once challenged my point that the card was already being passed around, instead choosing to change the subject and call me goddam "insecure" and fucking "paranoid"...

She was angry at me. Oh no, wait. Scratch that, I asked if she was "upset" with me, and she wrote back, "no". That's when she started torrenting and tormenting me with a goddam rant about how "annoyed" she was with what I had done, for not telling her straight about things and challenging her trust. She called me "insecure" about everything, "paranoid" that she was ignoring me. She claimed that it was "funny in aftermath", but not so much amusing in practice at the time. And seriously, how fucking condescending can she be? She claims she's okay, she claims she's alright, then tries to wound me from way up high on her pedestal, telling me how fucking open and honest she is in goddam comparison? She claimed that she stopped "poking" people with pretense, to see how they react, a long time ago when she "was young". How fucking elitist and arrogant can she really be to lecture me about all this fucking bullshit? And yet she claimed she was perfectly "fine" at the same damn time. WTF?...

But fine, fine, I do agree with her that I'm insecure, and maybe it's true that I am paranoid. It was wrong for me to argue with her over the going-away card issue, I agree with that. I was angry and goddam emo angsty, and far too tired in the goddam brain to be thinking straight, so I apologized for all that and I apologized for my deceit. She was right that I was being insecure, and I agreed with that too. It's just that, I had a fucking reason to be insecure, I had a goddam right and reason. So before my spine slithered away into mush, I made sure to once again bring up the damn topic that I've been demanding to know about on this very website of mine for an entire fucking month now...

I told her why I was insecure. Simply put, she hasn't talked to me in a month now. An entire fucking month. She apologized for it three fucking weeks ago, if not longer than that, and yet she just keeps on ignoring me every single day of the entire damn week. We've barely talked at all, and it all started from the very last time that we went to lunch. Call me paranoid, but I can't help but think that there's a correlation there, especially considering that she was angry (sorry, 'annoyed') at me that very same day about not being the best of buddies with that third wheel she invited to the goddam fucking place...

I simply asked her, in what hopefully seemed to be a polite tone and manner online, why she hadn't talked to me in the past entire month?...

If only she had told the truth, if only she didn't goddam lie to me like she always fucking does, I wouldn't be saying things are over. If only she told the truth, if she only fucking told the truth, then yes, maybe I could start trusting her again...

But she didn't. I know she didn't. Her response was the same as it always has fucking been...

"Projects are coming to a head. Haven't had much time to talk"...

... the same old shit... the same old lies...

How do I know it's a lie? Well, let's see here. It's been an entire month, and on many of those days, I have asked her if she was too busy to talk. She claimed she had nothing to do, that she was bored out of her mind, yet she still barely responded to anything I wrote her. And she still never messaged me once herself....

Just two months ago, she would send me links from web comics or pics from Gizmodo or any of the other stuff she surfs on the web every single day. Yet now, I get nothing. I receive nothing, I hear absolutely nothing but silence from her end of things. Even when it comes to lunch, she no longer messages me before she fucking leaves, even when I was fucking messaging her at the same damn time. It was last week that this happened, I was talking to her, and she just changes her status to "food" and leaves while I was in the middle of trying to start a goddam conversation. She was doing absolutely nothing work-related at that point in time, since the network servers where her work was saved were all goddam down. Yet she still wasn't talking to me, she still didn't give a flying fuck of a shit about me. And yet now she claims that she's still too busy to even message me once in a fucking goddam entire month? WTF?...

And even if she was that fucking busy at work, what about after work? What about all those e-mails I sent her, where I don't even get a single line of a response back? What about the fact that like I've said before, after asking her out for just fifteen minutes of her time an entire week straight, with nothing but 'no' as a goddam answer back, I've been waiting for her to simply tell me once again when she's ready to start walking and talking with me by her side all over again. It's been an entire fucking month, an entire fucking month of watching her leave work early to meet all her friends or to even talk and walk with other coworkers, and yet still I find myself waiting for even a single fucking sign. The closest I got was on Wednesday, and even then the official word from her mouth was to turn me down. Like I've said before, I've watched her leave the office with coworkers and friends and all that other shit every single week, and she knows that I've seen her having the time of her life and all the time in the world for these other people in her life. And yet still, she claims that she is simply too busy to talk with me for just fifteen minutes a day? WTF?...

Life after office hours is her own business, but what about lunches? That was another thing that I just couldn't stand on Thursday, the fact that I knew she was going out for a work lunch with coworkers. Hell, the Friday before, I was there when they were talking about it, and I even asked if maybe I could be invited to it whenever they decided to go. Thursday then came, and from overhearing some conversations, I knew that the worker lunch was indeed happening, yet not once did I get messaged from the girl at work. In fact, she never once mentioned this goddam lunch to me again after I was fucking there in the meeting room when it was first being planned. And yet here, once again, she was claiming that she was simply too busy at work to even message me once during her lunch hours, during all those times that she's conversing and communicating with all the guys that she was planning to go out to a fucking meal with? WTF?...

And here, with the card? Yes, I admit I overreacted, as it's just a going-away card for a guy I barely speak to anymore at work. But it's the principle here that gets me, it's the concept here that guts me, that before she went on vacation and before things turned sour, it didn't matter how much work she had to do in the day. She was probably much busier than now six months ago, when she was messaging me at every turn, when I literally got a response from her every single minute of the day or so. To quote my numbers on gmail, sad as it is to quote these numbers, there were a few days there that we even spoke up to a combined 1500 lines. She was talking to me a lot and she was most definitely enjoying it, so much so that she even asked me out after work all the time until I so stupidly became insecure about it all...

All she had to do here was message me that a card was floating around for our mutual friend at work, that's all she had to do. One fucking line out of her entire fucking day, that's all I wanted, and yet still she refused to do it, still claiming that she was too fucking busy. WTF?...

Whether it was just forgetfulness, a general lack of courtesy, or whether it was all done in goddam spite, it doesn't really matter at this point. After an entire fucking month of silence from her, after an entire fucking month, I just can't take it. I just couldn't take it. I overreacted, I called her on it, and then she blew up at me. Simple as that, and that's the end of it all...

I can apologize for attacking her over something so trivial. I do feel guilty for lying to her, testing her to see how she would react. And yes, she is right, that I am insecure and I am rather paranoid about things...

But seriously, is it any wonder why? Can I really be blamed after I told her how I feel all those months ago, after I told her how much I cared for her, only for all this fucking goddam bullshit to happen to me? Is it really my fault, when I've been trying to get through to her for the entire past fucking month, only to be met with nothing but lies and goddam fucking stone cold silence as a result? WTF?...

I would've been alright, if only she didn't fucking lie to my face all over again. I would've been alright, if only she would tell the truth...

The sad thing is, I know in my heart that she truly believes she's telling the truth. The same way that she uses semantics to claim she's not "upset", "angry" or "mad", yet starts a rant at me of how wrong I was to attack her like that. I'm sure she has convinced herself that she really is too busy to speak with me, that she really is too preoccupied to even spare fifteen minutes of her time. How the hell she manages to do that to herself, fully knowing that she spends almost all her weeknights and weekends whooping it up with her friends, I will never know. All I do know, is that I can't get through to her at all, I just fucking can't. She won't listen to a word I say, not anymore at least...

She argues that I'm insecure, and she's right. I admit that she's right. I am insecure. I'm not denying that, and probably never will...

But as strange as this is to say, I'm secure in my own insecurity. I'm confident in my complete lack of confidence. What I mean is, I choose to be this way. I choose to be open, I choose to be honest, and I choose to let myself feel and experience the goddam truth...

The problem is, it opens me up to pain. It opens me up to being hurt. But I know in my heart, that this is truly who I am, that this is the person that I truly want to be. The last thing I ever want is to become the goddam type of person who fucking lies to themselves...

She's a completely different and foreign person to me in that regard. Maybe that's why this will never work. She twists the truth so that she never gets hurt. She believes she never lies, she honestly claims she does, and I'm sure that in her mind she's telling the goddam actual truth. But I know that she is never actually true to her feelings, that she never fucking trusts the way she feels. I don't know if I can deal with a person like that, a person that's this fucking dishonest with their own goddam self. I just don't know if I ever could deal...

This whole time, I've been dreaming and wishing that she would feel about me the same way that I feel about her. But the sad truth of it all, is that it's time for the complete opposite to become my goddam goal. It's time that I work and strive my hardest, to view her in the same damn ignorant light that she now sees me...

... as in, I have to cut her out of my life...

... as in, it's over...

I care about her, I really do. But the pain at this point, it's just not worth it. Not when I see no chance of ever getting through to her, not anymore. I have no chance and I have no choice, I really can't see it any longer...

I don't want to hurt this way. Not anymore. And the only way to stop the bleeding, is to let the painful memories go. To let it go, and to let her go. Whether she means to hurt me or not, it no longer matters. I have to forgive her, forget her, and just move on with my goddam life...

If she could do this to me, if she can ignore me for a month straight and then lie to my face about the very reason why, then she can't be the one for me. She just can't be, no matter how I feel about her. If she's not the right woman for me, then I should just stop wasting both of our times and just let her live her life the way she wants to live it. I need to cut her out of my life, that's the only damn solution I can see...

... though it's all easier said than done, I know...

... I know, I already know far too well...

If there was ever a goddam sign that it's over, then this would be it...

... at this point, I just want to make peace with all this...

... I just want to forgive and forget and move on...

I don't want to be angry with her anymore, I really honestly don't...

... she can't be blamed for how she feels... neither can I...

... and my only choice, my only chance, is to make the feelings stop...

Because yes, I am insecure. Yes, I am paranoid. And yes, she may be right...

... but no matter how much I want to, now matter how much I wish...

... I just can't trust her... I wish, I wish I could...

Y2kk Update: That's one week down...

... one fucking week...

... the first week of the rest of my life...

This weekend was meant to be special. My brother and sister came over, to try to make up for forgetting my mother's birthday. We surprised my mom with Hot Pot, and the entire family sat down and shared a meal at the household dinner table together, for the first time in a very long time. And I think it helped, my mother and how she was feeling about the whole situation, I mean. With my brother now living in his own house, and my sister getting married in just a few more months, my parents really did seem to feel lost in the shuffle of life. It was nice to slow things down, and it was a nice gesture for my brother and sister to share a long, warm meal over hot pot, just so that the whole family could have something to talk through for hours...

The problem was, for me at least, I couldn't talk. Or didn't know how to talk for that long of a period of time. I've always been more of the type to enjoy the discussions before and after a meal, but during the actual dinner itself? I don't know, but I just sort of feel strange about eating and discussing at the same damn moment. For Chinese Hot Pot, we had literally hours of time to speak with each other as the food boiled right in front of us. My brother, he was amazing at bringing up new discussions and new topics. There was barely ever a boring moment with him at the table. But what did I contribute, what did I have to offer up and say? It's only family I was with, I know, but I was barely a competent dinner partner with even them there. And the whole time, I couldn't help but feel worthless and somewhat demoralized all over again, knowing that what I am or who I feel I can be is just not good enough for her. The girl I've fallen for, that is. I'm just not who or what she truly wants...

I feel lost. As emo and angsty as this all sounds, I don't know what to do with myself or with the scenario I find myself in. I don't know what to do with these feelings of mine. I don't know what to do with her...

Because yes, this is all about the girl at work again. I have feelings for her, strong feelings that simply will not go away. And like I said last week, if only we were a couple, I'd work my hardest to make this relationship work, as I really do feel that she's worth it. I really do feel that she's special. When she smiles, she honestly makes me happy, in ways I could never realize alone...

But we're not a couple. We never have been. I can't let myself forget that fact. I can't ever allow the delusion of my goddam reality all over again...

It was about a month ago now, or three weeks give or take, that I last asked her out to walk with me after work. It's always been the single most special thing we ever had, in my honest opinion at least, since it was the only time that we truly could open up and talk to each other on private, intimate terms. It was during these mere twenty minute walks that I learned more about her and her desires in life than I ever did otherwise, and I honestly cherished these moments like nothing else in my modern life. But after two weeks of asking her out, only to get cock-blocked by a fucking brick wall of pure indifference and apathy the full way through, I told her simply and succinctly that she alone knows her own schedule, that she alone knows when she wants to talk and when she wants to walk with me after work. I explained to her that whenever she's ready and no longer 'too busy' to spend time with me, that all she needs to do is ask, and I'll be by her side all over again...

... but it's been almost three weeks now...

... almost a fucking month, and still no fucking sign...

The reason I stopped asking her out every single night, was because the rejections I experienced honestly goddam hurt. And while truthfully, keeping to myself every time she leaves without me does somewhat help stem the pain, it certainly doesn't stop the curling of blood. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better, about her or myself or us in the goddam end...

On Monday, she came into work dressed in what I considered to be a very hot outfit. It was just a simple white T-shirt, Chinese FOB style, but it just made her curves seem so cute and so feminine that I honestly couldn't help but stare. She wore skin tight jeans, the kinds of which that honestly drive me crazy in the faint hopes of tearing them off. And her shoes, she seemed to be wearing her most expensive high heel slippers, and my God, they fit so perfectly with her feet that I couldn't help myself from drooling at the perfection. She honestly came into work looking so hot as hell that Monday morning, but she sure as hell didn't intend to dress that way for me...

Her friend was leaving for Japan soon, so I can understand why she would spend the evening with him, of course. But what I couldn't get, was why she seemed to always dress up for him, every single night that the two have been going out for the past goddam month or so. Was that the reason that she was ignoring me so, because this other man was always on her mind? I asked if the two were close, and her only response was that he was an old university friend. Was there ever a connection there, ever an attraction or potentially even more, to make her constantly seem to wear the hottest clothes for him and perhaps him alone? The Monday before, she was wearing an adorable little sweater that had me begging for more. Before that, she was wearing a beautiful blouse she bought in Hong Kong, another symbol of fashion that she always seems to conjure up for this one friend of hers alone. WTF?...

Of course, that made me jealous. She dresses up for this other man, but never for myself. She was spending the evening with him, and spending a night literally every week with this guy, so of course I would find my curiousity peaked and my emotions running rampart. I understand that he was leaving for Japan, but why did she always treat him with a special sort of respect that she never gives me? I just felt so worthless compared to this significant other of hers, no matter what kind of relationship those two really share behind the scenes. She treated him like the apple of her eye, simple as that. And I was the distant backup, always have been and always will be...

But I guess perhaps, this friend of hers didn't share her opinion eye to eye. Turns out, by the end of the day, he chose to join a going away party with his other friends rather than the intimate dinner or whatever that she and him had previously planned. I personally found that choice of his to be rude as fuck, but of course, the girl at work pretended to shrug it all off. I tried to comfort her, and perhaps even court her to some extent, because she honestly seemed distant and distressed that this man that she had quite obviously dressed up for was simply not interested enough to see her that night. And to be honest, all jealousy aside, I felt bad for her, I really did. No matter how much of a piece of shit I'm treated by her, I still don't want to see her feeling the same damn way. I wished I could help, and in some retrospects, I did try. But I just wasn't the guy that she wanted to comfort her, simple as that...

I didn't ask her out that night, but I was so hoping that she would in turn choose to spend some time with me. But of course, that's just never the case, as I really am nothing in her field of view. When I asked her what her plans were for the rest of the evening now that she had essentially been abandoned, she claimed that she would try calling up a bunch of her other friends so that she could privately talk with them instead. Meanwhile, I was just standing there idle, asking myself why the fuck she wouldn't just at least ask me out for five or ten minutes of her time. After all these weeks, after almost an entire month of fucking silence, and after I was trying to give her some goddam moral support in her time of need, she was still shunning me and still leaving me out with the goddam cold shoulder. But whatever, it was her choice...

The next morning, I asked her how her night out with her friends turned out to be. And guess what? Naturally, none of her other friends had any time to spend with her, or perhaps she just didn't bother to call them up in the first place at all. Instead, she 'wandered' around for a little bit in Toronto merely by her lonesome, most likely thinking to herself while hurting from being shunned and ignored. Part of me was wishing that I had just asked her out the night before, but like I stated earlier, she has been ignoring me for a very long time now and it's just not right for me to shove my way back into her life. If she actually wants to spend time with me, to talk with me like we used to when things were so much better between the both of us before, then all she needs to do is goddam ask...

But of course, that very afternoon, she didn't ask. She simply left work with another coworker, at her usual time ten minutes before I myself need to leave. She obviously is not 'too busy' to go out with me for just twenty fucking minutes of her day, but it's obvious that she has absolutely no interest in confiding in me or hearing what I have to say. It's been like this since the last time we went for lunch, and it wounds me so deeply every fucking time that she treats me like I don't even goddam exist. She's chosen to ignore me and move on with her life, I know it, and I really should respect it...

Though what hurts me even more is that she was ill the Monday morning that she showed up at work in a tight ass T-shirt and those smooth, silky heels of hers. She was sick, she said so herself, and was barely feeling 'human' in her own words. Yet she dressed up like a real woman for this man of hers that was leaving for Japan, and then spent the night alone just contemplating things in the cold dusk of Toronto in the sunset of fall. Like I said, I realize that he was leaving for Japan, but there still was another week or two to wait. She still has time to meet up with him, she still can have that private dinner that the two of them will most definitely share. Yet in truth, she looked as depressed as I do whenever she turns my offers down...

I know she's hurting inside, I could sense that plainly and simple. But really, for her to dress up and dedicate her entire night out like that when she was fucking sick as hell as she claimed, for a guy she argued was not even dear or close to her heart? Either there's a fucking lie in there, or I really am nothing in her eyes if she's willing to do all this for just one of her regular, old friends. When was the last time she ever treated me this special? When was the last time she even dedicated twenty fucking minutes of her life to talk to me privately and alone? WTF?...

Things have been difficult and estranged between her and I for a long time now, but perhaps, the icicles began to thaw when it came to this past Friday. For the past week now, I've worked and talked with her while wearing a mask, the ever proverbial facade of pretending like things were alright between the both of us. Now sure, I do hate politics and I do hate pretense, but I don't ever want to see her hurt. More than that, no matter how I'm feeling about the relationship that she and I now have, I don't want to ever be the cause of her pain...

So I put on a face, a fake little snippet of a smile in the morning every time she came by to say hello. In the past, I would be open and honest and just show my depression if I wasn't happy that morning, but my infliction would then become infectious and I just didn't want her to share in my pained, painted expression. I didn't want her to be hurt...

At first, like always, I couldn't stand being a phoney whenever she came by for stand-up. But as the days wore on by, as expected, the mask starts to become a part of who you are. It starts becoming natural, it becomes second nature to just put on a fake little laugh and pretend like all is right in the world. And the thing is, I don't know if it's working or not, but she's starting to smile more in the mornings herself. Whether that has anything to do with me or whatnot, I may never know. All I do know, is that whenever she smiles a genuine smile, the pretense of happiness I have actually turns into something real. I just want to see her happy at times, you know? As sappy and goddam emo angsty as this all goddam sounds, it kind of is true. I don't like seeing her depressed, and I never want to be the cause for her unhappiness...

This Friday, she started speaking to me a bit, perhaps not with that many words, but with smiles and phrases and expressions that actually have meaning and emotion behind it all. Whatever pain she was hiding, whatever frustrations she was bearing inside, it just seemed like she was happy with me that Friday morning and afternoon, even choosing to at least spend her five minute break with I as her partner while eating a goddam apple...

But despite whatever progress we may have made, it still didn't matter in the end. Because like every single evening for the past fucking month, she barely even said goodbye before leaving out of the door. She just left with another coworker, even though I was right fucking there waiting to be asked. How she can be so ignorant or how she could be so cold, I may never know. All I do know, is that I was left feeling the same damn way as I experienced the very goddam Monday before. Either this was revenge, or this was simply pure indifference. In the end then, does it really matter?...

A huge part of me was wishing that I had just fucking asked her out myself. What if she was waiting for me? What if she was only being cold to me because I haven't taken her hand for the past two weeks myself? What if she wanted me to be there by her side on Monday? What if she wanted me to be there for her now?...

But then I forced myself to remember, there was a time when she used to ask me out herself almost every single day. There was a time when she would message me before and after every lunch, and shy away with the cutest of coy glances whenever she was about to ask me out to dinner. There was a time when she didn't ignore me for twenty three hours of the goddam day, and there was once a time when she did treat me as goddam special as she did that apple of her eye that Monday afternoon. There was simply a time, when things were goddam different between her and I, than the pure goddam indifference that she directs towards me now...

I can't forget the bigger picture here. No matter how much it pains me to hold my tongue, no matter how much I may want to ask her out, I cannot allow myself to force the goddam issue. I may claim to see in her eyes that she is begging for me to take her hand and just ask her out, but do I have proof? Do I have any real definitive evidence? Do I really have any fucking clue what she really wants in life, and what she really wants me to do? Because in the grand scheme of things, what does matter to me, is if she does want to spend time with me, if she does want me to be part of her life. But if she never says a word to me, and she just never does, while treating every other man in her life like they actually matter to her goddam heart? Then really, short story short, what more is there to say?...

I can pretend like maybe she's simply acting this way because she's hurting inside, that she is treating me so coldly and indifferently because I am different than all the rest in the corner of her eye. But the fact of the matter is, I asked her out for just twenty minutes of her time for two weeks straight. Twenty fucking minutes to talk in private, that's all I asked for. Yet she choose to live life alone or to worship these other men in her existence for entire weekends and evenings, while I was just standing right there, ever so painfully waiting for a response...

I may hope and dream all I want, but the cold hard truth of the fact is, I am nothing to her. I have to goddam accept that and just move on...

If we were a couple, if only we were together, I would never stop trying to be there for her. I would never cease asking her out, I would never stop asking for her hand. But we're not a couple, we never have been. And quite frankly, the way I see things from the way she treats me, we probably never will be. She just doesn't care about me, and there's nothing I can do about that except to let her be happy...

That's exactly what I've been trying to do, all week long. To just put on a happy face, to just shower and flower her with pity and pretense, to pretend like nothing is wrong, just so that she can simply keep on living her life the way she truly wants...

If she ever wants to spend time with me, if she ever truly wants me back, all she needs to do is ask...

... that's all she ever has to do...

... but I never hear a word...

At this point, I just want her to be happy. I just want her to live as she wants...

... I just wish I knew what she wants, that's all...

... I just wish I truly knew what makes her happy...

Because if she won't tell me? Then goddammit, all I can do is wait...

... to wait for her word, to wait for the truth...

... to trust in her, to trust in her word...

Because it all sounds like so much fun, now doesn't it?...

... this one fucking week of silence...

... the first week of the rest of my life...

Y2kk Update: The 20th and 21st...

Just a coincidence, I know. But still, writing on these two days has a lot of meaning for me...

It was exactly six months ago and a day when she and I first went out on a walk after work together. It sounds so common and meaningless, I know, but I still remember everything I said that afternoon with such perfect clarity. It was also the first week where I let my emotions get the best of me, and I treated her like crap. Well, in retrospect, all I did was ignore her one morning and then felt absolutely horrible about it after. I still remember the e-mail she sent me that very morning, "sometimes you can be a terrible, terrible person", and the apology I quickly returned. That was exactly six months ago and a day from the moment I write this, and I still remember it like it was goddam yesterday...

Change has always been the only constant in life I've ever known, but I had such high hopes back then that after six months, that change would be for the better. Flash-back to four and five months ago, and things were so different between both her and I than they are right now. She used to message me early after every lunch, asking if I was back whenever I returned late to the office. I still remember the times in the afternoon when she'd just send me a random quip of a comment, just a silly quirk of hers filled to the brim with her own personal flavour of humour and jokes. And I remember the times when I could freely ask her out safely every single evening, and I still recall those moments that if I was busy doing something else and forgot to give the invite, she would send me sweet little reminders before the day let up. Things were just so different back then than they are now. Six months and a day later, I never imagined that it would come to this...

I know in my heart, from the very way she looks at me now versus how she once did before, that she has firmly decided that I am simply not the right person for her in life. She's always been a closed woman emotionally, and it's not hard for me to surmise why from her past. She's always been guarded with her secrets, and truth be told, I've never been good with this kind of privacy of what I consider to be pretense. There were just so many things she never told me over the months, both minor and major, whenever it dealt with how she was feeling, what her friends had done to her, and what was going on in her household. I understand that a lot of these answers were none of my business, but it still hurt to watch as the months went by, and she kept telling me less and less of what she considered personal information. There was a time when no matter what I asked her, no matter what the mood of the day was, she would open up to me and make me feel special by simply trusting me with some openness. But these days, all I get back is either silence or middle-of-the-road answers, complete fill-in-the-blanks to everything happening in her life. I am merely just a shadow in her grace...

I understand that the fact that I cannot take dishonesty from someone is in large part my own fault. I am like a spoiled, naive child at times, never really realizing why others have secrets and why it's so hard for them to open up. In all honesty, it's a huge fault of mine, that I do feel a sense of entitlement at times to the truth, as I just can't bare the simple fact that I am not goddam trustworthy. I wish I didn't overreact and literally attack the girl of my dreams like I have whenever a week goes by and she simply is not in the mood to tell me anything she deems private. I so goddam wish I never did blow up at her as I did a month ago, when really, that was the last time that she ever seemed truly happy and honest and open with me like I so wish that she always was. It was my own fault that I couldn't handle the simple truth of why privacy is so important to her. And in turn, I truly believe I hurt her in the same very way that caused her to become so emotionally closed in life in the first place...

At this stage of our friendship or relationship or whatever we may have, I'm just wishing things could become like they used to be. I know it's cliche, I the code monkey falling for the girl at work. But I swear, even still, there were times when I felt we shared something real. We used to have discussions and constant jokes running between the both of us the entire damn day, whether we were in the office or at home on the weeknights or whatnot. I know I'm partially seeing things though rose-coloured glasses, considering there's a reason why I still wasn't truly happy all those months ago (as my download updates will unfortunately attest to). But still, in contemplation and comparison to what we have shared now, I really wish for the return of that 'honeymoon' sort of partnership we had back in the day. There were times I could see she was so timid and shy in asking me out, but she always somehow managed to find the courage to. Which unfortunately, thanks to my own anti-social insecurities, merely lead to disappointment after disappointment in her eyes. Alas, she can hardly be blamed for my own fucking faults...

If we were together, I'd merely say that we're having the communication problems that every early couple goes through, and then I'd promise to work my ass off to make this relationship work. But the truth of the matter is, we're not a couple. We never have been. The truth hurts, but that's the heart of it. I have to accept the fact that there never has been anything between the both of us, and move fucking on...

I still so completely wish that I could invite her out for lunches or dinners or movies or whatever we once tried all those six months ago. But now, after all I've said and done to hurt her, every time I ask of any of these things, I can see the pain and hesitation in her eyes. She almost winces from the wounds, from all the sheer depression and disappointments that she has felt every time I don't treat her friends with the respect she feels they deserve, or every time we sit at a table and I simply cannot talk about the topics that she so dearly cares to discuss. At least before, we always had the walk to Union Station together after work, as that was always between just the two of us. We always shared a good conversation, we always laughed and smiled with what I considered to be a true connection. It's then and there that we really do have honest, good communication, but apparently that just isn't enough for her. It just isn't enough...

She knows what she wants. Her standards, in my eyes, may be unreasonably and intangibly high. But no matter what, she does know what she wants. And after all those times I've proven that I am not the man she wishes I can be, I've seen in her eyes that simply put, she's carefully decided that I'm not the one for her. And she's treated me as such, ignoring me most likely in the hope that we both cut out of our hearts whatever feelings we may share...

To be honest, I may never honestly know if she has the same feelings for me as I do for her. All I do know, is that there once was a time when she would look at me from a distance through the corner of her eye, and smile while shunning away the moment I caught her glance. There was a time when she would laugh and cheer every single morning I would say hello, and we would talk as if time meant nothing about just the simplest things of how our days looked and went. It was six fucking months ago and a day removed from today, that we first went out on a long walk together and bought each other ice cream for our birthdays. It was then and there that I could truly see that she really could be the woman for me one day, with all her beauty and understanding and that smile that melts me away. But at the same time, staring as deep as I could into her eyes, I could never truly conclude whether she ever perceived me as the potential right man for her or not...

... I guess, some things just never change...

I may never know how she truly feels about me. I may swear to myself that I can see it in her eyes, I may promise myself that I can sense the truth when it's just her and I together. But really, empathically and realistically, has she ever told me how she feels? Then how can I ever truly know? All I do know, is that she laughed in my face when I revealed to her my feelings. If it wasn't for that, I would tell her all over again, simply out of knowledge that she has true respect for my honesty and feelings. But goddammit, that just wasn't the case. She just doesn't want to let herself care...

And now, I'm afraid. It shouldn't be this way, but I can't help how I feel. I've been hurt and turned down more times than I can tell now. I've been ignored for two weeks and then some, all six months after I thought I first tasted real happiness. I so desperately want to ask her out for a walk after each and every single day of work like I once did, but after more than two weeks of being shunned like I have been, with all my questions and remarks falling on silence and deaf ears, what more can this heart of mine take?...

She explained to me that she was too 'busy' to walk with me after work anymore, so I did the patient and understanding thing and replied back that I'll start asking again the moment she tells me she wants me to. But one week later, and after seeing her leave with friends and coworkers almost every single day, I don't know how I can deal with what I feel anymore. I so desperately want to ask her out again, but she has yet to tell me that she does want me to ask, that she does want me by her side, that she does actually want to spend time with me...

... as instead, all I hear is silence...

... all I hear is remorse, six months removed...

Just a coincidence, I know. Writing on the 20th and 21st of the month, it seems...

... but still, it has a lot of meaning for me...

... life is so much simpler, yet so much more meaningless without her smile...

I know I'm being emo. I know I'm acting all irrational and depressed...

... but I swore to her that I would not bother her, that I would not make her uncomfortable...

... until she is ready to talk and laugh and smile once more...

But I still haven't heard anything. I still hear nothing but my own thoughts and goddam silence...

... I'll still keep waiting, I'll still keep dreaming, just like I always do...

... but I will not break my word...

Y2kk Update: I only write what I most care about...

... and I only write when I'm saddened or upset...

... seems to be true enough, most times or not...

My brother officially moved out of the house two weeks ago. He's on his own now, living the single-life downtown with a bunch of his friends. Since then, I don't know, life has been quiet for me all over again. It's not like I'm not used to having such an empty house, considering my brother was rarely ever home while living at university residence for four years straight. It's just that, now that it's official, now that he's really moved on from the nest, things feel a bit different in life now, you know?...

I'll still talk to him, I'll still meet him at Raptors games, and hell, I might even get to know him more than I do whenever we chat through the internet. But really, there's just a huge difference in mind knowing that he used to come home every single night, and knowing that now we'll be lucky if he ever does decide to visit. I've been close to my brother ever since he was born, and to be honest, I really do wish that this household of a home was still truly together. But change has always been the only constant in life, and there's not much I can do about that...

Meanwhile, my grandmother has been ill as of late. Well, especially ill, considering she's had either senility or Alzheimer's for the past few years of her life. She can still remember me, yes, but it's sad to see that her smile is fading. She stayed in the house with my parents and I for Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, and while I did my best to try to get through to her, she still never could muster up an honest smile. She just didn't look happy, being in the state that she was in. That's more than just concerning to me, considering it was also her 90th birthday coming up, and she couldn't even remember that no matter how many times we told her. She's not the same grandmother that raised me like her own when I was just an infant child, but I honestly do still see her that way. I've always been close to my grandmother since I can ever first recall...

We did eventually find the reason for her recent spat of illness. Seems that her urethra has been blocked; you know, that common ailment amongst the elderly where they can't go to the washroom. She might have to see a specialist as a result, but still, at least it's somewhat of a relief that her signs of sickness weren't really anything that serious, for now at least. But she's 90 years old, and to be honest, she's not looking so healthy, not even for her age. I love my grandmother dearly, and I just wish that she can one day see her grandchildren that I plan on bringing into this world. But considering how lowly that segment of my life is going, and seeing how depressed and ill she was the entire Thanksgiving weekend, I just don't know anymore. I will always hope for the best, but right now, I seriously don't know...

But if there is anyone who cares more about both my grandmother and brother than I do, it's my complete worry-wart of a mother. Problem is though, she's practically on the cusp of a nervous breakdown thanks to my brother moving out and my grandma getting ill at the same damn time. Of course, it didn't help matters much when goddammit, I and all her children also forgot about her goddam birthday as well. D'oh...

Apparently, my mother's birthday was in September and I completely forgot about it. In this age of electronic schedulers and fucking Google search engines to figure out her Chinese calendar of a birthday, we three children of hers completely forgot for the second time in just three fucking years. WTF? I've done my best in the past two weeks to try to make it up to her, taking her out to dinner and buying her a birthday present and even promising to celebrate her B-day again on the date printed on her passport (...).. I don't know, but it's not just this forgotten birthday shit that has her all depressed and upset with me as of late. With my brother now officially moved out of the household, my sister getting married, and my grandmother going so senile from age, I and my father really do feel like the only ones leftover in her once busy life. Retirement is never an easy pill to swallow for a workaholic, but really, it certainly would help my mother if life didn't keep throwing shit in her goddam face...

As for me? I do miss my brother dearly, I do worry over my grandmother all the time now, and I absolutely try my best to comfort and keep my parents company, even going so far to offer to pay for their trip back to Hong Kong for their 30th wedding anniversary. I mean, if I completely forgot about my mother's birthday, the least I can do is overcompensate to try to make up for my own goddam mess...

But you two readers out there know me. There's only been one real person on the forefront of my mind for the past year almost by now. And as the anniversary date of the first time I really fell for this girl quickly approaches, I can't help but feel like whatever we had, if we had anything at all, is now goddam over. These past two weeks for me have been a knife in my heart, and I honestly don't know what to do about the wound except to close up and let time try to heal, that is...

Things just haven't been right between the girl at work and I since we last went for lunch. I wrote about it in my last update, but to refresh, I wasn't an asshole at that meal or anything, but I definitely did feel and act like the odd man out. Three has always been a crowd for me, and I did feel somewhat insulted that even after personally inviting the girl out myself, she still requested a coworker that I've never gotten along with well to keep her company. As a result, of course I closed up. It's not like I was an asshole or anything, but I was my usual, silent self that I am with most acquaintainces and strangers that I meet. I didn't just act that way towards this third party, as I did the same to the girl at work as well. The thing is, I'm a completely private and introverted person, and as a result, I'm a completely different personality whenever I'm alone with her versus with someone else. I've always felt that she and I somehow just connect if we're alone together, but it just never fucking works if someone else is in the room...

It wasn't just the lunch food debacle that put me in the doghouse. Things haven't really been right between the both of us, since I shot her down after her apology all those weeks before. I will forever regret that, and I know that could've been the real turning point in whatever kind of friendship or relationship we had going between us, but I've tried so hard to be patient and understanding since then. And to be honest, it was starting to pay off. The days before we last went out to lunch, she started opening up to me again. She started smiling, she started laughing, and we started connecting again like we did when I honestly first fell for her all those months ago. I can't explain how or why we connect like we do whenever we just stand there or walk together, just the two of us. But in those times, it honestly feels like we're the only two people in the entire universe when we do. And I swear, it's not just I who feels what I feel in those scenarios. I could see in her eyes then and there, that she honestly cares for me as much as I care about her. It's just that, it never fucking works if someone else is right there with us. It just never fucking works...

These past two weeks since then have been a nightmare for me. I tried to be patient and understanding right off the bat, asking to make sure that everything was alright after she first started giving me the silent treatment. The thing is though, unless she had me specifically blocked on her IM, it's not like she was technically singling me out. She claimed that she just didn't have the energy that week to talk to anyone, and for the first time ever that I recall, she backed up her statements by refusing to log onto her IM or respond to most e-mails I sent. I don't know, maybe she really was that damn pissed about something else other than me, to ignore all her other friends on her instant messenger like that. But it just struck me as such an goddam odd and obvious coincidence, that the very fucking day after she and I went to lunch and all hell broke loose, that she would suddenly shut down her IM once and for all. She had never done that before in all the months I've known her, yet the very day after she walks away so visibly upset and disappointed in me, she suddenly starts to shun the world. I just don't know what to make of all this, I honestly don't...

But there have been weeks where she hasn't talked to me before, only for her to welcome me back the very Monday after, so I stayed patient and understanding as best I could in hopes that things would change for the better. The thing is though, when it came to this week, I suppose you can say things did change back to what they were, for everyone else but me that is. She was back on her instant messenger, she was back visiting all her friends after work (something else that she suddenly stopped doing the week before), but when it came to me, every single question or comment I made fell on deaf ears. No matter how little work she had to do in the office, no matter how much free time she claimed she had, I rarely ever got anything more than a single-word response, if even that, from anything that I said or wrote to her the entire week through. It was like she had suddenly become so depressed from the lunch we had that she just couldn't be bothered with the world all last week, but now that she had recovered enough to talk with her friends again, she still made the conscientious decision to keep me on the goddam ignore list. And hearing her constantly claim how 'busy' she was to respond to me, yet I always saw and heard her being so free and open with everyone else in the office or otherwise, it seriously goddam broke my heart...

That's my take on things at least, although obviously I could just be seeing what I want to see. But take our routine of going out after work together, the one last remnant of our connection that we once shared, as an example. Last week, I had asked almost every day after work whether she wanted to walk to Union together or not. And the thing is, she constantly kept swearing that she was just too damn busy to even leave work five minutes earlier than the latest possible moment she could, which means 'no' as far as our train schedules are concerned. I knew this was at least a partial lie, because no matter how busy she was before, five minutes of extra work was never important to her. Hell, there was a time when she used to ask me every single afternoon whether I could leave early with her, just because she was so bored being in the office that she just had to go. Yet now, she was suddenly so swamped with work that she couldn't even leave ten minutes later than she always did before, even if I was asking and basically pleading for her to give me a goddam chance? WTF?...

You could argue that maybe she was just really busy, but then take Tuesday as a further example. After seeing that she was free enough to visit friends after work Monday morning, I asked her very early on that Tuesday afternoon, sort of as a last ditch effort to break through to her heart, if we could go out that night with our once usual walk to Union Station. To my shock, she actually agreed, and it honestly got my hopes up so high that I even starting thinking up personal topics to talk with her about in the twenty or so minutes I would have alone with her. But when the time finally came and I asked if she was ready to go, I guess I should've seen this coming, but it broke my heart yet again nonetheless. She apologized right off the bat, claiming that she was now too busy to leave work even five minutes earlier than she could. It was like she realized that she was not ready to see and talk with me again, and she shut down after accepting my invite, ignoring me in every way except to tell me that she wouldn't go out on even the shortest of walks with me...

And to add further insult to injury, on Wednesday after she claimed she was so busy with work again, I didn't bother to ask if she was free after hours this time around. And then what happens, I guess I should've seen it coming, but that coworker that she had invited out to lunch with me and her two weeks ago? Apparently, he asked the girl at work to walk with him to the subway station, and then what does she do? Instead of turning him down like she did with me for over a week and running, and instead of realizing that maybe she owed me a night out by this point or some sort of shit like that, she apparently just said "sure" right off the bat and left the office ten minutes earlier than if she had ever wanted to leave with me. WTF? For one week straight and more, I had been trying to ask her out, trying to get through with her, yet the very moment someone else asks if she's free, she leaves with them. And she hasn't asked me out once in the past two weeks, not even for a few minutes of my time. Considering that she's now once again giving the time of day to every fucking other person on the face of the planet but me, I for one take that as a clear fucking symbol and statement of where we are and where we stand. And yes, like I've said so many times before, it honestly breaks my heart...

There was only one time, one brief five minutes stretch, where I got to speak with her openly and honestly. Yesterday night, after she left the office alone yet again after ignoring me almost the whole day through, I ran into her on the way out of the building after it turned out she was waiting for her friend on the street corner. And the thing is, of course I felt so disappointed at first that she didn't even ask me to walk her out to the street like she would've so readily requested all those months ago, but I still took the opportunity to be as open and honest as I possibly could be. I thought to myself, if this really is the end of whatever friendship or relationship that the two of us shared, then I would make sure to get some closure. The things she had done to me over the past two weeks, the passive aggressive fighting that I'm sure the rest of the office have noticed between the both of us as well, it was slowly but surely killing me inside. And I just had to get some answers, I just had to leave with some closure...

She surprised me though, with the very first thing she said. She actually apologized to me, the moment I looked into her eyes, for not talking to me much for the past two weeks. It was uncanny, actually. It was like for all those days that she never saw me alone, she could hate and loathe and ignore me all she wanted. Yet the very moment I was standing there alone right in front of her, and the two of us just couldn't help but stare into each other's eyes, it's like she was suddenly so overcome with guilt and remorse and actual real goddam feeling. It wasn't a fake or forced apology of pretense or anything, she honestly did seem saddened and scared of her own actions. And the honesty and openness of it all, compared to all these past two weeks of showing me nothing but the cold shoulder, it really all caught me so off guard. It really stripped away any walls or armour that I had left. And what else could I say?...

"... no, it's okay... I, I understand..."

I couldn't help but hesitate. I couldn't help but look away with pain filling the eyes. And she saw it, I know she did, as I noticed the first honest frown of sympathy and sadness from her adorable little cheek the very moment that I winced away. I could see it in her eyes for the first time in these two fucking weeks, that she was in goddam pain. I swear, I could see it, that she was feeling the same way about this whole situation as I was. And quite honestly, she was more beautiful to me then and there than perhaps she ever was before. It was once again for me, one of those rare inexplicable moments where everything just clicks, where the two of us just connect, where it seems time and the rest of the universe just comes to an absolute still. Nothing else in life mattered, it all just faded away, you know? No matter what had happened between us, no matter what pain I had felt before, I was honestly genuinely happy there. For the first time in so long, to see her care that much for me with even the slightest of reactions, I honestly felt real, genuine happiness. The kind of which we used to share so often all those months ago...

We only talked for five or so minutes, before both she and I had to go. I swear though, after her apology, I don't think our eyes ever left each other's, and didn't want to leave when it was time to go. We didn't talk about anything important, we really had nothing much to say. But she and I, I honestly don't know if it's all in my mind, but I swear that there are times like this that we just connect in a way that cannot be described with words. She was in pain, I could feel it, and so was I. Yet just being there with each other, just knowing that the other cared through the most minor and nuanced of inflections, was enough to make all the difference in the world. It's times like this that I truly do remember why I fell for her all those months ago, and why I so desperately want to be patient and understanding until she's ready to talk to me, when she's ready to return...

... the problem is, I don't know if she ever will...

She felt guilty, I know it. I could see true remorse in her eyes. And she has feelings for me, real genuine feelings, the extent of which I don't know, but I could truly sense that they are there. But the thing is, if the past two weeks have been any indication of anything, it's that she has made the conscientious decision that I was not the right man for her, that I was simply not enough...

Whether it was my blowing up at her a month ago or the debacle at lunch two weeks ago, or anything else that broke the camel's back, I don't know. All I do know, is that she did give me a hint during one of those rare moments we spoke in the past two weeks, when she mumbled under her breath that I "should know about (food)" before rolling her eyes and hoping that I didn't notice what she just sighed. Every single time we go out for lunch or dinner, I am just not the man that she wishes I can be. She cares about food, she cares about dinner talk about the meal she's eating, and it shows when that's all she really mentions when it comes to her friends. I have never been able to satisfy her in that regard, and whether it's my "food plebeian" status that turns her off, or the fact that I simply don't get along with her friends that are the kind of food savants that she wishes I could be, it honestly feels like she's made the decision that she simply cannot allow herself to be with me...

When we were talking on Friday, in that brief five minute stretch that honestly felt like it lasted a lifetime, I could tell right off the bat that she didn't want to talk to me. She tried her hardest not to, or at least it seemed that way when I first approached her. But as soon as we locked gazes, as soon as I didn't shy away and looked warmly into her eyes, it's like all her own walls came crumbling down at the very same moment that mine did. That's when she just blabbed out her apology to me, and she seemed almost as perplexed and surprised at her own openness and honesty as I was. I could tell that at first, she didn't want to talk to me. But seriously, it honestly felt like as soon as we fell into each other's stares, she just couldn't help herself when it came to being honest with me...

She honestly didn't seem like she wanted me to leave, and I honestly didn't want to leave her side. But I also cannot forget the fact, that even after an entire week of asking her out for even just twenty minutes of her time, it was not me that she was waiting for on that street corner that Friday night. She was waiting for someone else, I can't just forget that...

But I swear I could see it in her eyes. I must be crazy or something, but I swear that I could see it. She honestly cares for me as much as I do for her...

... but for her, that's just not enough...

... she's made her decision... I'm just not enough...

And that's why I said what I said to her...

... I was in pain, but truth be told, I was honest...

"... no, it's okay... I, I understand..."

I understand that she feels I am not the right man for her...

... I understand that she's distancing herself from me...

... I understand that she's trying not to get hurt...

I can't help how I feel, and I could see it, neither could she...

... but feelings are just not enough for her...

... and if I truly do care about her, I'd let her be happy...

Like I said, I only write about those whom I most care about...

... I did get my closure... I think, we both got our answers...

... but now, where do I go from here?...

Y2kk Update: Sometimes, I've just got to wonder, if there really is anything there...

I guess it's no real secret or surprise that at times, I've been treating the girl at work as if we were already in a relationship. But I don't know, sometimes I just can't help it, you know? For the first three days of this week, things were going smoothly again between the both of us, for the first time in weeks. I still regret so damn much the mistakes I made all the way back then, when that one day in the midst of all her doom and gloom, she was just trying to be so pleasant and happy and jovial with me out of her own remorse...

And what did I do? I betrayed her sentimentality essentially, I lashed out at her and shot her down when she was just trying to be nice to me. I knew the moment I did that, that things may never be the same between us ever again, because I know from experience just how much it hurts for an apology to be ignored. But finally, for the first time in weeks, she was warming up to me and kind of trusting me all over again. And as a result, I just couldn't help but start falling into her eyes and smile and cute cheeks all over again...

It's not that I just love her personality, for all the cute and geeky things she laughs and jokes with me about. I guess I'm the opposite of most guys in the fact that I rarely if ever get honestly attracted to a woman, but for her it's an adoration I just cannot ignore. I'll be completely honest, of course she's not the cutest or the hottest girl on the face of the planet. But there is just something about her face and skin that just encompasses and enraptures me so, and honestly keeps me dreaming at night...

Whenever I'm close to her, whenever my body is just a few centimetres away from hers, I can literally feel her warm presence and I don't want it to leave. It's not exactly a tingling sensation, but there is just some sort of goosebump of a glow I get whenever we get that damn close, and I can't help but wish I could get even goddam closer. And whenever we're on okay talking terms, she doesn't run away when I enter her personal space bubble, as I did quite often this past week. Now granted, she herself never chooses to get that close to me in the first place, but it certainly means something when she actually allows me to be that near by her side...

For the first time in weeks, she wasn't running or hiding from me anymore, and I could just feel me falling for her all over again every single time we walked and talked and laughed together on the way back home. It was nice, really nice actually, that we were starting to feel like close friends again, for the first time since I hurt her so. Of course, the way my mind works, I started believing once again that we could be even more someday. We may not share all the same exact passions and beliefs in life, but what couple really does without it getting boring as hell? The thing is, as my cousin might say, she and I just seem to think and share experiences on the same wavelength as one another. The way I often think and joke about it, it's like two wave signals providing constructive rather than destructive interference. As geeky and scientific as that all sounds, it's probably a comment that would make her chuckle and smile the same way I did when I first was thinking it through...

All the time, whenever we get this close together again, I tend to screw myself over though. Like I said, I start treating the friendship between the both of us like a relationship, almost as if we were already holding hands or brushing foreheads or rubbing noses or some shit like that. I can't help it though; I've never been this close, both personally and physically, with a woman I cared about before. I care about her feelings, I worry when she's tired, and I'm honestly happier if she's truly happy. Hell, I've been depressed for the past month because she just wasn't smiling that smile that wakes and lights my own gentle grin every single fucking morning. Instead, all I've seen lately has been a grim grimace, and it honestly hurts to know that I was the one who may have caused her to fall into depression like she has...

Whenever I start caring about her as much as I did last week again, it's the little things in life that hurt and wound me so deeply all over again. I'v gone through the same old cycle of shit time and time again, so you'd think I'd get use to the constant disappointment and discouragements. And while obviously I am starting to cope with it a bit better, the more I care about her, the truth is that the more it still hurts. No matter whether I see it coming, the truth still goddam hurts...

I went to lunch with her this week, and besides the green tea having some weird ass effect on me (causing me to choke and gag from a swelling throat somehow... I have no allergies, so was it the caffeine? WTF?...), I didn't mind going to the place she wanted to at all. I'm always willing to give a new restaurant a chance, and she's always wishing to experiment with this sort of stuff herself. Personally though, when I invited her out to lunch, I was hoping that she would choose to just keep it between the both of us, as a private affair to sort of make final amends after what I did to her weeks ago. But maybe out of self-defence, or simply because she is somehow so close to this coworker of ours, she chose to bring this other friend along. And you know me, just like all those times before, I always feel that three's a crowd...

When I'm not in a one-on-one scenario, it takes a lot of trust in every other person I'm with for me to be happy and jovial and personable and all that other shit. Otherwise, I both willingly and begrudgingly just try to sit back and relax and listen to everyone else's stories since I really am not the type of alpha male to control and dominate the goddam conversation. The same thing happened here, reminding me so much of why I felt like such the wrong type of person for the girl at work all those times long ago. Between her and this other coworker friend of hers, all they talked about was food, the type of which they prepared and cooked and could actually subtlely taste in the dishes that they had ordered. I know nothing of this shit, and I just don't have the taste buds to be at their kind of level. It was truly disappointing, both in terms of the coworker I was with and in my own ineptness, that I remained more or less silent for the whole of the two hour lunch we had...

The girl at work, just like all those times before, tried to get me into the conversation, but she did so with topics that are quite frankly private (or nerdy) between the both of us. They're stuff I would gladly speak about with her alone, but not in front of those who had no fucking clue what we'd be laughing about. Basically, I tend to think it's incredibly rude whenever somebody across the table talks solely about the shit that he or she and just someone else understands, so why the fuck would I do the same and become the identical kind of ignorant asshole that I always complain about? That's what this lunch was all about again, the two of them talking about food and dinners and cooking and all that stuff that I just can't contribute to. I mean, for instance, when the topic of the use of pears in culinary dishes came up, what kind of mature comment could I possibly have added? That I like pears and that they taste good when I eat them fresh? Seriously, is that really worth mentioning as they're talking about gourmet dishes I had never even heard about? WTF?...

That lunch was just another prime example of just why the girl at work may be the right girl for me, but I'm just not the right guy for her. We may laugh and smile and giggle about the little geek things in life, but whenever it comes to lunches and dinners and all that other shit, we just exist on two different planes of existence it seems. I just don't know if our personalities click and match up enough to offset the fact that we simply cannot talk about the topics that she most wants to discuss when she's having fun and relaxing at a meal. I would like to understand the shit she was discussing with her coworker there, or all the stuff I heard her talk about with friends whenever I went to dinner with them before, but it's just not interesting to me and I just don't know if I can ever learn enough for us to have a meaningful conversation. We may get along fine at times when it's just the two of us together, but how the hell am I supposed to cope when I'm really that fucking useless to the cause whenever she's with someone else who talks about the shit she actually wants to talk about?...

And the thing is, she got a bit mad at me after the lunch too. I admit, part of the reason why I was silent for most of the lunch was because I'm not the biggest fan of her coworker of a friend. I mean, he's an alright guy in my neutral category, but he just never willingly talks to me whenever I try to open a conversation up with pleasantries, so how the heck can I ever count him a friend? He only talks to me when she's close by and basically urges him to tell me a story, so of course there wouldn't be the best of bonds between the both of us. But the thing is, I don't have anything against the guy, but that was definitely the impression that the girl at work got from all my silence. I didn't have anything decent to contribute to the topics he was bringing up, and he cut me off at least once or twice when I tried to start talking about shit that I thought everyone at the table might relate to. There just wasn't much point in my speaking there, and thus I remained more observant and laid back than anything else...

The girl at work has never seen me with my own friends or with strangers at a dinner. She doesn't know that basically, I was still talking more at that lunch with the two of them than I do normally with others. The thing is though, whenever I'm with her and just her, I can't help but blab her ears off, and I always feel so welcome whenever she does the same to me. She's never really experienced me as the quiet loner that I normally am, except when quite frankly, I do get mad at her for the most irrational and relationship of reasons. So as far as she was concerned, I looked angry and upset, when really I was just in my usual laid back, neutral pose of indifference. That's who I become when I'm not just with her or with a small group of people I truly trust. That's just the introvert I am, and I think she got offended that I wasn't welcoming this other coworker friend of hers with open arms...

... like I said... three's a crowd...

When they were talking about cutlery and figs and fruit, what was there for me to really say? Self-deprecating humour can only go so far in hiding the fact that I know nothing. I haven't truly enjoyed a single real fancy lunch or dinner meal that she's brought me to, so how can I talk about them in the positive light that she always does? How the heck can this ever work, if I always turn her smiles into frowns for the things she truly cares about?...

And as a result, things have been a bit strained between the both of us for the better part of the past few days. She no longer welcomes me back into her own personal bubble, and I myself keep wondering whether I really am the right guy for her? Without a question though, I know that she could very well be the woman for me. She's the first girl I've ever cared about this much, but she just doesn't have any feelings for me, so how could this ever work out?...

I wish she didn't invite that other coworker to this lunch. At the very least then, we should've brought a fourth person, so I wouldn't feel so left out for the two hours that she was having a private conversation with the other guy. But if anything, I needed another painful eye-opener. It's not just that I don't have the knowledge and people skills within me to make lemonade out of gourmet lemons in situations like this. It's also that, simply because I was silent on all the topics and issues she gave a shit about at that lunch, she chose to talk with the other coworker. She chose to be personable with him over me...

... which while expected, quite frankly kind of hurts...

I mean, I know she has no real feelings for me...

... but I can't honestly believe that there isn't anything at all...

I know my feelings for her are real. It's just that, she doesn't want to waste her time dating any man that may not be right for her in the end...

... so where does that leave me?... where do we go from here?...

I care about her. I really do. After months and months, that has not changed...

... but sometimes I've just got to wonder, will that ever be enough?...

Things are once again strained between the both of us. Part of it is my fault, for being so silent...

... but can I really be blamed?... she did choose... she chose him over me...

I guess, destructive interference, really...

... three's a crowd, and I was the third pillar...

Y2kk Update: From my point of view, I've got a lot of things happening in life right now...

... but this is normally the time of the year, when I have even more on my platter...

I'm still in that university and school funk of psychological phase, you know? After that shit has been my life for God knows many years, it's hard to break from the habit, even though I'm now essentially two and a half years removed (or more than that, if you include my part time status in fourth year). I still feel like I'm dreading mid-term exams, I still feel like I should be seeing my university friends every single day, and my body still feels like it's prepping for winter shutdown for the goddam finals (aka my usual hibernation time, as fuck no to studying). Just a weird feeling, not having a real summer break this year, that's all...

... I could use a real rest and reprieve, to be honest...

There is a lot going on in life and my household, from my own perspective at least. My brother will be moving out in about two weeks for his new place, which means that I'll be a single child more or less all over again. It's not that different of a feeling though, except that unlike university, I know he won't be back for summers or anything. We've always been close; to be honest, my brother has historically been the only person I've really been close to in my entire life. I never really bothered with confiding so much in friends or trusting them actually, when I always had my brother to fall back on things. I guess some stuff between us started changing later on in high school and then university, but still, my brother isn't just family to me. He's also my best friend, and it's going to be weird to be waving him goodbye, almost indefinitely in this sense. But whatever, life moves on...

September and October are also the months where all my family members seem to have birthdays. Fuck, I already forgot about my cousin's day, and my brother's is coming up one week from now and I still don't have any clue what to fucking get him. My aunts and uncles more or less were all born within the next four weeks as well, and I'm just not allowed by the family code of honour to forgot about my father's or my grandmother's birthdays coming up real soon. But all it means that I don't get many weekends to myself, that's all. Although with the complete lack of mid-term exams this year, it won't be too bad I think when it comes to stress. I could sure use a fucking vacation from work, but that's a story for another day...

Actually, at work, this is now the time where I'm dealing with the goddam headaches of fucking goddam management. They were supposed to open up raise and salary negotiations about three fucking months ago, yet the only peep we've heard from them since was a plea to be goddam patient. They've promised that we'll be paid retroactively for those lost months, whenever we do get our promotions, but something tells me it'll come as some fucking end of fiscal year bonus that will force all us unhappy workers to stay at the company longer than we want. They have pretty much guaranteed that negotiations will finally commence in October at the very latest, but the slow ass rate of progression here is just astounding. Political wise, I can see what they're trying to do, tying all us employees up until the Christmas season which is when 90% of the projects at the company have their goddam deadlines. I really should just leave at this point, but if they're willing to offer me the money I want, I'll stay. Problem is, when the fuck will I get the fucking chance to see what I'm worth to them?...

And my family? Oy, there are a few running problems and loose threads there, alas. Last Friday, I went out with them as they went house shopping. My parents have saved a lot of money over the years, and it's always been my father's dream to own as much fucking land as goddam possible. Which I don't have a real problem with, except a) his dream is making him want to move out to the distant boonies away from family, and b) he wants me to move with him, when I work in fucking goddam downtown Toronto. The thing is, it's completely selfish of him to want to waste a ton of money on some god-forsaken house in the middle of nowhere, but he also deserves it after putting all his children through university by saving pretty much every single dime of his life. I wish I could be more appreciative, but I'm sorry, the issue right now stems from the fact, that he's fooling himself into thinking that I want a fucking huge house for him to show off in. He thinks that he's buying a big ass house for me. I really, really, ridiculously don't want this shit...

So I pissed my parents off last Friday, apparently. The houses that we saw were all massive bungalows and shit like that, but I hated how fucking rich they looked and all their goddam remote locations. I always have a criticism for everything in life, even if I actually love the shit I'm looking at, but I sure as hell did not enjoy any of the homes I was forced into witnessing that Friday evening. And of course, my parents then bitched and complained to me later, that they were house-hunting all for me and that I wasn't showing them the proper respect. If I truly loved them, my father would exclaim, then I would move to wherever the fuck they want. But I'm sorry, I know in Chinese tradition I'm not allowed to move out of the house until I'm married, but I am NOT going to drive hours in the morning just to get to the fucking subway station and spend another hour getting to work. No fucking goddam way...

Of course, things deteriorated even further between my parents and I the day after. And for such a fucking stupid reason, or a stupid reason for things to get worse at least...

My sister's fiancee, by Chinese tradition, must get his new brother-in-laws a pair of dress pants and shoes for the wedding. But since I didn't even have a suit to go with just quite yet, he offered the whole package to me as a gift. So Saturday morning, as much as I hated to get up early on a weekend, I hauled my ass out of bed for a reason. Because it was time to spend time getting to know the guy, as we go suit hunting together in downtown Toronto. I honestly had been waiting for this moment for a very long time, just to see whether I truly would like the guy or not. The only issue was, I had no fucking clue that he wanted to get me a gift that fucking much...

... Harry fucking Rosen, bitches...

He wanted me to get a nice suit. Problem was, that was too nice of a suit. I had asked him (and later my sister off to the side) whether he was being serious or not, getting me the whole nine yards at one of the most ridiculously overpriced men's stores out there, but the both of them were insistent. I knew I would feel bad at times wearing clothes of that cost; hell, I'm sure the suit would feel like it's worth more than my entire fucking self. But if the both of them were going to be this nice for me, partially because they wanted me to look almost as nice as them and my father (whom they also bought a suit for) at the wedding, then who was I to argue? I didn't need my sister's fiancee's money, but I damn well appreciated the gesture. I figured, if he wanted to try to treat and impress me this much, I might as well just repay the favour with a much bigger wedding present in the end. It works out then, doesn't it?...

The huge fucking X-factor was my parents though, as they're so fucking obsessed over family values and penny pinching traditions. When they finally realized that I was going to be getting a suit at Harry Rosen (and this was well after we had arrived there in the morning), that's when they stepped in, and quite honestly I feel they hurt my sister's fiancee's feelings. They rejected the gift, not for my father but rather only for me, not because it was too expensive or anything, but that it was "wrong" for the brother-in-law to get a suit worth almost as much as the father's. Tradition wise, apparently I'm supposed to look like shit compared to my dad. Not only that, but my parents scolded me afterwards, for trying to take such an expensive present. They reprimanded me, not because of the overall cost itself, but because the fiancee's parents were there as well. Apparently, my money-grubbing ways dishonoured our family and made me look like I was a fucking cheap-ass freeloader or some shit like that. Whatever...

I don't completely disagree with my parents, but the way they handled all this was just absurd. I was pissed enough that they ripped the tailor-made suit from my clutches at pretty much the very last second, but I was even more disgusted at how they were offended at the fiancee for trying to do a nice thing for me. They felt like he was trying to show off his money, making them seem poor or some shit like that, and they threw his generosity right back in his face. And when I finally confronted my parents about it, they argued that there was no fucking reason in getting such an expensive suit, as it's only for show and tell and nothing practical at the wedding. And of course, in my anger and frustration at losing such a fucking valuable suit from my grasp, that's when I laid into my parents about how they were wasting tons of cash on a fucking house meant for nothing but impressing the goddam relatives...

... they, err... were pretty angry at me after that...

And yet through all this in my busy ass weekend and all that other shit, I still could only really think of her, to be honest. The girl at work, I had hurt her the Thursday before, lashed out for the most irrational and irresponsible of reasons, all of which I've well documented on this website already. It's just that, the weekend before when I was absolutely miserable with my old high school peers, all I could dream of was to be with her that evening. And as my parents were arguing back and forth about how insulting my sister's fiancee apparently was, with my feelings stuck as the goddam coding monkey in the middle there, all I could wish for was to make amends with the girl at work that I had hurt. I decided then and there that I truly did want her back in my life, that there was no point in trying to ignore her when obviously my heart just can't fucking take it. I was so fucking depressed, not because of losing the suit and not because even my parents were knifing their way into my goddam back, but because I had hurt her and my conscience just couldn't take it...

I don't know if things are alright yet truly between the both of us. But while she did seem rather down for the better part of the week, I was still always able to make her laugh. Considering what I did to her, I don't know if she'll ever truly forgive or forget, and I'll never know the true extent of the consequences of my actions, although I'm willing to accept them all for her. All I do know, is while she did not seem very happy this week at all with me, there were times that she just genuinely smiled and made me forget about all my worries. I can tell she cares about me, whether it'll ever be enough to be more than friends, I will never know. I'm okay with that though, for now at least and hopefully for a long time so I never hurt her again...

And at the very least, while I know I did hurt her, I guess the one good thing that has happened to me all fucking week long, was what I could see in her eyes. That sure, she may not want to trust me, but she still kinda sort of does. And at least, that's a start...

... as from my point of view, it's been a long fucking, frustrating week...

It all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... though with my brother's birthday bash coming up the next fucking weekend...

Bah, who knows?... maybe it will be memorable...

... as it always is around this goddam time of year...