Y2kk Update: While America is unfortunately getting hammered by all the hot sister hurricanes of my good ol', dearly departed Ivan, Canada up here is getting some of its warmest weather of the entire damn year... And you know what? It's really making me horny. Seriously...

It's weird, actually... Usually, the hot freshman girls of my university only are visible in the engineering sections during the first few weeks of school, when thanks to the hot weather, they tend to show off their boobs and bods to all the lonely ass guys on campus... But as we all know, Canadian fall seasons get a little bit creepy with the freezy and the nippy over here. And the arts and science girls go away, to go bunk away with as many casual sex partners as they can find in their bunks, before mouthing off about not having a relationship... But thanks to the very weird sense of summer climate over here right now, the girls aren't going away. And neither is my horniness in school... and it's just weird, you know? I can't concentrate on school. Not that I ever have been able to before, but still... Actually seeing hot girls in my area of the university campus? Even without ever getting a girlfriend, it's like fucking Christmas for a pathetic computer geek like me. And who could possibly study during Christmas?... well, besides geeks, at least...

It's not just on campus that the girls have been getting to me lately... I was renting a movie at a nearby Rogers Video the other week. And since I didn't have a Rogers card myself, I asked the girl at the counter about whether I could get one or not... This girl was cute, granted. A little chubby, but she certainly had the eyes, hair, and fair graceful skin to definitely get the attention of my hormones or whatever. She wasn't sexy seductive hot, but she had those kinds of cheeks and curves that just screamed out "take me". And, well... she actually reminded me a bit of my obsession, if only she were blonde and had glasses at least... And when I asked her about what it took to get a Rogers membership card? She responded in a bored sort of monotonous tone, that I needed a credit card or something... And since I don't have a credit card, I made some sort of lame joke to her to hide my patheticness. I forget what I said, I forget what my lame ass excuse was, but I do remember that she gave back the most slightest of nods of smiles... the kind of which I really haven't seen since the girl I used to always talk about, always goddam laughed at the dumb jokes I used to make...

I couldn't get a new Rogers card, but I did have my sister's membership card ready. So after a few minutes of perusing for a movie to rent, I went back to that cute girl at the counter. And the strangest thing sort of happened there... I mean, I know no girl has ever found me attractive, so I really don't know what the signs of it are. But, umm... honestly... WTF?

She seemed like she was... umm... flirting with me?... With me? Is that even possible?...

I mean, she smiled a lot while I was talking to her there. Talking about the Firefly series and whatever else I had there to rent... And she sort of looked at me with those pretty eyes of hers, with a kind of coy, shy, innocent but horny hint of glimmer in her glint... And she even touched herself! Not exactly where I was hoping she would in front of me. But she did sort of run her finger along her cheek, and stroke back her hair as I was talking to her... odourless yet scented signals, I thought they were... And, umm... It was just weird, you know? I kept chatting with her for about five minutes or so, because I just wanted to see if she would keep up her very strange behaviour around me, and only me... I mean, five minutes before, she had seemed completely uninterested in me. And yet now she couldn't help but keep giggling to herself? I mean, WTF?...

... mmm... fuck indeed...

... well... knowing pathetic me, of course nothing happened... after flirting back a bit I think, I waved a cheery and cheesy goodbye, and simply went back to my car a very confused man... I mean, was it even possible? A cute chick was actually interested in me?... But why?... How?!... Why?!?... all three very good questions, might I add...

... if you weigh the percentages, there's simply no damn way a girl that damn adorable would ever been interested in a Chinese nerd like me. It just didn't make sense, unless she really, really ridiculously found Joss Whedon fans to be hot, no matter what they looked like... But alas, chances are, the hot weather was just flaming up my hormones yet again, making me see things that really weren't there. Or if they were there, then just like with the girls on campus, women just act so much more attractive when the Sun is shining on their face, even to the ugliest guys they can find... Still, I really sort of wish I had done something more with this so-called "flirting" girl than just talking about television shows to her... I've tried to find her again, but she's never there in the store anymore... and I guess that's for the better, considering I seriously wouldn't want my phony built-up ego to be crushed by her bored dementia all over again...

... I seriously wouldn't want a dose of reality to finally sink in...

... but still, is it even possible?... for a girl to be interested in me?... if any of you two readers saw me, you'd know that should theoretically be impossible... but the stroke of the Sun can surely make girls stroke back their hair, in the most heart aching of ways... just usually not to guys at my bottom of the barrel like me... heart ache indeed...

... and speaking of heart ache...

... oh, I can never shut up about the girl I always talk about, now can I?... The thing is, I left third year of university all pissed off and disgruntled, thanks to the fact that this bloody hell girl I was interested in, finally got herself a new fucking boy toy to play with... They were holding hands by the time the summer had started. But their fling didn't really start then... This guy was already moving in on my territory, the damn moment that things fell out between her and I... As soon as I was out of the picture, this guy came out of nowhere. And with perseverance and his goddam boyish good looks, the girl I always talk about had her next goddam boyfriend. And it pissed the hell out of me all summer...

... the only hope I had left going for me, was that this guy would soon learn just why I left the girl I always talk about in the first place...

... and you know what? Damn straight, I think he did...

When I came back to university this term, I noticed something straight off the bat... This boytoy fucking guy I've always hated? He used to drive the girl I always talk about to the train station with his fucking car, even before they were going out. And yet on the first day back, here he was alone, seeming so distant and seeming so damn lonely on the inside... It could've been from different schedules between the two of them or something, right? But the pattern held true - for the entire first week, I never saw the two together... and I never saw either one of them seek each other out...

The final test came almost two weeks into the school year... Now, I only have one damn lecture with the girl I always talked about this year. And this one lecture just so happened to have that fucking boytoy in it too... And I cannot even begin to describe the utter grin of ubiquitous joy on my face, when I saw the two former fucking love birds, sitting on opposite damn sides of the lecture room... And you know what was even better? When the lecture was finally done, I saw the girl I always talk about, yapping it up and flirting with some other fucking boytoy she had found. And it was great really, to see the look on her ex's face when... well... just like it was after me, the girl I always talk about seemed so damn happy without the guy she used to seem to adore...

... no fucking guy likes to see the girl they used to like as happy...

That shit of hers hurt me real bad back then... but I couldn't possibly wipe that snicker off my chin this time around... Because seriously, I know this girl. She's probably crying about her fucking lost boyfriend every night in bed, just like she told me she did for all her old ex's. Yet whenever she's in public, she puts on the fakest damn smile and the most phony of polite "hello's", and completely acts as if she was the happiest damn bitch in the world... She did it to me after our little nuclear fall-out. And she was doing it to this poor damn bastard of a sap, the fucking boytoy assclown that I've always hated and loathed... and I was lovin' it!...

... oh, it's just so damn fun, seeing just how much of a bitch she could be, to someone other than me at least...

... yeah, I hate her... yet still love her at the same time...

... but at least I think, I've finally found a balance...

... and as long as the summer steamy heat keeps pounding here, and the easy freshmen girls keep bouncing away with their breasts... then by golly gee, school may actually be fun this term...

... oh, except for those party of five or so projects due next week that I haven't even started on yet... but I guess that's all besides the point...

Because it all just sounds like so much damn fun, now doesn't it?...

... and if only I could just find that cute Rogers girl again, maybe it can be...

... well, if I was a completely different person than I always have been, at least...

Y2kk Update: I wanted to write an update yesterday... I mean, September 11th? Third anniversary of what could possibly stay the most significant date of my entire insignificant life?... well, I just didn't know what to say about it, that's all. I mean, it's all been said before. Nothing I could offer would ever be new... nothing I've ever said could ever be new...

But I will say one thing though... I absolutely hate how almost all of North American society, already doesn't seem to care about the event that killed nearly three thousand of its own people... Personal politics is always a tangled web to weave. But can I really blame society, when even I wasn't willing to write something meaningful last night as I was pondering over who knows what?...

Guess I have a lot to think about now... the only problem is, I ain't thinking about it... Instead, I'm just cracking tasteless jokes about the 60 or so people that have already died at the hands of the Hurricane that would be king... King Ivan, I mean... and just like with September 11th, I want to care about the people losing their homes from the worst Category Five hurricane in years. I wish I could care, about the storm with my name written all over it, ripping to shreds the fragile lives of families and children... and of dozens of people I've never met, of course... But I just can't really care. I care that I don't care, but I just don't care... Instead, I just marvel at how callous insurance companies are acting, complaining about losing millions of dollars in the face of death and destruction and decay, even after gaining billions in surplus after sucking poor bastards like me dry... That's sadly the only thing that I can care about. How damn high my car insurance rates are. And how damn hypocritical corporate America can be at times...

I wish I could care... I always wish I could care... but let's face it - the only things I can care about, are the trivial things in life that actually do affect me... that actually do scare me...

My dad was complaining about how none of his children go to church anymore. So since I was expecting to go sooner or later anyhew, in an eventual attempt to go against all logic, in hope that I could get divine favoritism this year at university or some crap like that, I just walked in on his little conversation and said that I'd like to go to church myself. That shut him up for the morning, and I nicely filled my church going quota for the month... and, well...

A weird feeling kind of struck me when I was talking to my friend over the phone the other week... I mean, I thought this guy knew me. Or at least, knew me rather well enough to know that I wouldn't go to church, if I was too damn lazy to get out of bed on a Sunday morning. Which is normally the case, so... But the thing is, this friend of mine? Against all of my better logic, he actually thought I was some devout Catholic or some crap like that. And why exactly?...

Because I call myself a Catholic, that's why... I guess I never really knew my friend either. I always knew that he didn't really have faith anymore, but I never would've guessed that he was what I call an "angry atheist". Because as an angry atheist, he did the one thing that I really can't stand about North American society these days... He only sees the extremes in people. The Extreme Pita, if you will... And since he knew that I still have faith in the Catholic Church, he just assumed I was some wacko, luny, devoted Christian or something along those lines... He thought I went to church every week. He thought I donated money, and prayed to the Lord on my knees every night, begging for forgiveness. And the thing is, while I admit I've done all of those things at some point or another in my life... the truth of the matter is, that completely isn't me... it never really was... so why did he think it was?...

I don't particularly like the term, but I am what they call a "cafeteria Catholic"... Of course I believe in a God. And yes, I believe in Jesus and the New Testament of the Bible. But that's basically all I care about... the central messages... and like I said, I'm too damn lazy to go to church, except to appease my father. And I'm too damn cheap to pay for anything but that single $5 brick for the new Church built around my community... I am completely not a devout Catholic. And yet whenever I tell people that, whether they be from university or that close high school friend of mine, they always sound so surprised that I'm either not completely against the church, or completely for it... the extreme Pita effect, I mean...

... so, let me get this straight... unless I have a deep, seething loathing for the Catholic Church, I'm a psycho, close-minded Christian?... to paraphrase, I mean...

... I see... why do people ignore the middle men so much?...

... now, if you asked me about ten years ago as to why I go to church, I would've given a hokey but honest to God answer... that church was the one place where I could really focus my thoughts and realize who I was as a person... plus, the eucharist tastes pretty damn good for bread...

... but eventually of course, all of that got boring. Self actualization and discovery always does... So why do I go to church now? Why did I go today?... obviously, because so my dad won't complain about it for another month at least. And quite truthfully because... I had nothing better to do with my morning... except sit in a pew, and keep an eye out for all the hot women who inevitably go to church...

... and any "angry atheist" like my friend would've probably condemned me for being such a hypocrite for this, with them claiming that church isn't meant for summer bird watching and the googling of legs... and while I agree to some extent, that I do sort of feel bad for it all, it's not really for the obvious reasons why... I mean, it's kind of wrong to stare at all those women, considering they're either a) slinky young teens dragged to church by their parents, or b) glowing new mothers hoping that God hasn't noticed their atheism for the past decade or so... and, well... either way, pedophilia and adultery aren't normally my things...

But really, besides the age issues, why feel bad for going to church to check out women? Is there really any reason why?... I can't speak for all "angry atheists" out there, but I can speak for my close friend and that goddam high school obsession of mine... that this is the biggest damn problem with North American society today...

... why the hell can't people tolerate and handle hypocrisy? What's really wrong with hypocrisy?...

The main beef that people like to justify their hatred for the Church with, is that it's supposed to be all shiny and holy and glory, with absolute purity for faith and the Lord... but in truth, of course there are priest rapists. Of course there are the people who say one thing in church and completely do another in the parking lot outside... Hell, I'm one of them. But what's really wrong with that? Why can't people just accept hypocrisy like they seem to do with the trillions of other sins out in the world?

They can completely accept the deaths of 3000 people on 9/11, simply because it was "necessary" to give America a message? Yet they can't just accept the fact that the Church isn't perfect?...

... sure, church is a place of respect... but it's also a place of humanity... meaning it's a place of mistakes, and a place where people are real, not idealized... not happy, shiny, brainless people like some would suggest...

That was the thing that was bugging me yesterday night and this morning. I just couldn't place exactly what it was until now... For everything in the world BUT church, people claim to live in "reality". That's why nobody really cares about 9/11 anymore. Because to them, it's just old news, and news that doesn't affect them anymore... But when it comes to faith? When to comes to religion? That's what really bugged me when my friend over the phone thought I was a pure at heart Catholic or something... He should've known me better than that. But he didn't. Because as an angry atheist, he just cared about the idealized form of what he loathed... and not what was actually real... not what was actually real...

I've always tried to care about caring for other people... but the only thing I cared about this week, was the fact that my friend was more obsessed with the church, than he ever seemed to care about me... He's a great friend and all. And sure, I feel bad for stereotyping him as an "angry atheist" now, after just one conversation gone awry... But hell's bells, I'll never bring up religion with him ever again. Because when it comes to him, or how damn obsessed my obsession was with her Church-hating ways?...

... whoah... talk about issues... let's never speak of them again, actually...

So that's my 9/11 rant for the year, actually. How callous and carefree we've all become, to the most significant date I'll probably ever encounter in my entire goddam insignificant life... And I'll never really forgive the society around me for this. But I do accept it... because that's how people are...

... hypocrites...

... but you see? The difference is, I don't think hypocrisy is such a bad thing.

Hell, it's who I am. It's what probably makes me most human of all. That's what makes us all mortal and fallible in the end...

... oh, wait... so that's why nobody can stand it...

... figured that one out in church ten years ago, actually...

... and then there's the whole Oedipal thing, but I digress...

Y2kk Update: Well, this is it... the last Y2kk update of my last real summer as a university student... By this time next week, I'll be back in school. And I really don't know how or what to feel about that...

I keep writing on my website here, "computer engineering at the University of Toronto", hoping that means something to the two people who actually read what I write... But the thing is, nobody really knows. And nobody really cares... Nobody outside of Ontario really gives a damn about the University of Toronto. And nobody outside of Toronto even gives a damn what computer engineering is like at my goddam campus... I've literally heard stories from community college students, who think that their computer science courses are tougher and harder and rougher in the ass than mine. Because that's how people are. They love to justify themselves, by justifying how damn great whatever they have in life is...

But I'm not that kind of person... instead, I'm the kind of pathetic loser, who actually starts believing those community college students... I'm the kind of guy, who forgets that I'm surrounded my overzealous students in my university, who all thought 99% year averages in high school were too low of a score... I always forget that I should be proud of what I've accomplished so far in my life. But the fact of the matter is, the M&Ms of marks and money do matter... for self esteem and respect, at least... and I've earned nothing of the latter... and barely anything of the former... not at my university at least...

Sometimes I like to dream what it would've been like, to take computer science at another university, or even take the arts and sciences courses that I always thought I'd love back in high school... But then the bitterness and fear kicks in. I mean, wouldn't it be just the worst goddam insult, if after all my justifying of how damn hard my computer engineering school is, that I take arts and sciences some day at some other university, and absolutely fail at that too?... That's always been one of my biggest paranoid delusions. That it's not really the school that's screwing me over. It's me...

What if I just suck at university? Not everyone is cut out to make the football team, and not everyone who excels at high school has the stamina and fortitude to be the best or even the most decent in university... All these years, I've lived with myself and lived with my failures of marks, because I knew I was going to the University of Toronto. And more than that, I was going for its goddam computer engineering course, one of the supposedly hardest in the known world... But the stupid thing is, almost everyone says the same damn thing about their courses. Hell, even jerk offs at the University of Guelph seem to think their program is world class... Who really tells the truth here? The mind plays tricks on you when your ego really needs it to... and I don't know who to really trust...

... insecurity has always been my thing... and I probably just wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I ever went for an arts and science degree and found out I'm just not cut out for the university life... I've always held the fear at the back of my head, that I'm really not smart or intelligent or even intelligible whatsoever... My writing style is just an abberation compared to what society normally considers good grammar and punctuation. I seem to have lost all sense of comic timing asa well... And I've really never thought that I had a real creative bone in my body... well, I did think that at one point. I used to write a lot of fiction in my youth, which nobody ever liked... And honestly, what's the point of writing stories I take pride in, if everything I ever write always comes out as crap? At least compared to my original vision of what it would be like...

And yeah, I know... I know I can't be the best at anything in life. Nobody really is... but I've always hoped that I could be really good at something at least... Writing was the only thing that ever made me feel close. But just take a look at how awkward and fangled this update of mine really feels like, just to say aloud... it just doesn't work for me...

Truth be told, I only write because no-one ever reads my websites. Nobody ever criticizes then, at least...

And yeah, yeah, I know... Everyone criticizes everyone, no matter how good they may be. Fucking goddam Leafs... And everyone justifies what they have, just like all those damn Trent and Lakehead students here in Ontario still all claim to sadly have respect for their universities... sad little buggers...

But I'm still the ever insecure bastard... and without my friends for moral support this coming school year? I'm just worried, that's all... It's said that in fourth year, students really shine. After coming back from co-op, they work their asses off and get the highest marks they can for their resumes... Fourth Year is supposed to be the year, where you really show who you are and what you're made of...

... but I'm not going to be one of those students... I already know it... I just wish I were, that's all...

... so here's to fourth year of fucking computer engineering, at the goddam University of Toronto...

... if that means anything, to anyone here but me...

... and with that, I can only wish us... a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone...

... because it sounds like oh so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... yeah, well... we'll see about that...

... and ay, there lies the rub...

ATI: Saw over at Rage3d that a new Control Center thingy has been released for ATI cards... If you're into safe software overclocking of your ATI GPUs, then go ahead and download the new version (for the Catalyst 4.8 drivers only) at: http://www2.ati.com/drivers/wxp-CATALYST-CONTROL-CENTER-17307.exe.

ATI: Well, supposedly Digitimes broke the news that the ATI RV410 chips will be out in some form on the market by October. Don't know what that means really, but you can try to find the original news story if you want at: http://www.digitimes.com/.

Y2kk Update: Well, my life is meaningless...

... my brother left for university a few days ago. He had to go early this year, to be a freshman frosh leader and everything. And good for him, I suppose... it's not much to put on a resume, but it's definitely something that your friends will smile upon when campfire stories inevitably seem to ensue...

... but what about me now?... I'm goddam stuck going to work for my parents all damn week long... alone... thanks to my brother being too busy with bloody hell high school students too young to drink... I'm all alone in this house again. Well, except for the parents at least... And I've got absolutely bloody hell nothing better to do, than just write a whole bunch of crap for my websites, fully knowing that I'll barely ever get a chance to write what I want when school finally starts up again...

... although that never stopped me in years before...

But yeah, I know... I know I say this each and every year, but I really mean it this time... or I really want to mean it this time...

I'm fucking sick and tired of failing at school. And this is my fourth and final year of classes. I don't want to fucking screw it up... I know I will though. That's what I do... Without my friends this time around, all I have is myself. And how the hell is that going to help me?... I'm not only taking fourth year courses that I have to excel at, otherwise I'll have no chance at getting a decent job. But I have to take the bloody hell third year courses that I failed last year all over again, fully knowing that I'm probably going to screw myself in the ass with them a second time around... and screw up my fourth year GPA in the bloody hell process... And with no friends around for study groups? With no people I can trust with labs and projects? With no brother around for moral support? And with obviously no girlfriend, considering I'm just as PAX pathetic as always?... then how exactly am I to survive? I only have myself. And that's just meaningless to me...

I personally think I have a ton of things to do before I go back to school next week though... besides helping my parents out with the workplace, at least... I still have Tweakui, Noname, and MSN updates that I want laid to rest from my mind. And I still have to scan all my third year school crap into my website, even though nobody on the face of the bloody hell planet will ever care...

And technically, I should have all the time in the world to do all the above. Except for one damn thing... Now that my parents have paid something in the thousands of wasted dollars for my car insurance, I've become their personal slave of a valet. I've been driving my mother around on all her errands, almost every single frickin' day, and the only pay I get is a bunch of wasted hours of complete tedium and boredom... Today, I sat around the bank for two bloody hours as my mom just kept chatting away with the manager over GIC interest rates. And believe it or not, those were two hours I actually would've preferred to be doing something else... believe it or not, without my brother around, the only thing I have going in my life are my webpages. As pathetic as they may sound, it's true...

... and now unfortunately for me, I have driving... and it's bloody hell killing me...

I hate my car. I hate the road. Found on road dead, I mean... And I hate the fact that no matter how small the mistakes I make may be, my fragile mind just won't let it go... Today, I got confused at a four way stop sign. I was sure that some other car had gotten to their end first, but neither of us would move. So the female driver signaled for me to go, and in my confusion, I went without thanking her with the hand... and you see? That's so damn minor of a thing - the lack of one damn gesture of a hand... And yet it's been fucking bugging me all day long, and I can't fucking get rid of it...

The other day, I was driving towards a busy intersection. And the light was still green, and I wasn't in any hurry, so I didn't accelerate to take the left turn I needed or any sort of crap like that... But before I noticed, the goddam light turned yellow. And I was the point of no return I think... If I was going to go straight, I would just continue at my leisurely pace and make it in no time. But I wasn't going to go straight - I needed to turn left, and that required me to slow down near the end... and that's the thing that still guts me somehow... I took my chances, and kept on going. And I crossed the stop line just a few milliseconds before the light turned red... And sure, of course I took the turn just fine, with the light being red and all. But it's bugging the hell out of me, because I didn't know what to do... I could've slowed down. I could've stopped in time. But nooo, I chose to take the chance with the red light. And if I was living in Toronto, a goddam red light camera could've caught me. My actions might've been legal, but just barely... and probably not according to a camera hidden in the right place... I really should've slowed down...

Now, every driver does stuff like this, often more than once or twice a week. But that doesn't seem to matter to my goddam messed up brain... Instead, I'm in maniac pain and panic mode over here! I just can't let go of the fact that simply put, I froze up... I didn't really have a clue what to do, and I froze up... I don't know why I can't let go all the little things in life like this. I just can't... especially on the road... not until the next time I royally screw up, at least...

And that's been my pathetic life for the past week or so. With my brother gone, I've had nothing to do but write... and with my brother gone, there's been no-one to drive my mom around but the little bit of me, preventing me from even having the time to write what I want on the bloody hell websites that nobody ever reads...

... and so I wrote this download update... in ten minutes flat, no less... just so I could say I wrote something today...

... why is that important to me?... I really don't know... I really can't say...

... I just know that if I don't get my weekly dose of a download update down on virtual paper... well, my mind just won't let it go...

... no matter how meaningless my life may be...

... it just won't let things go...