Y2kk Update: Sometimes, I've just got to wonder, if there really is anything there...

I guess it's no real secret or surprise that at times, I've been treating the girl at work as if we were already in a relationship. But I don't know, sometimes I just can't help it, you know? For the first three days of this week, things were going smoothly again between the both of us, for the first time in weeks. I still regret so damn much the mistakes I made all the way back then, when that one day in the midst of all her doom and gloom, she was just trying to be so pleasant and happy and jovial with me out of her own remorse...

And what did I do? I betrayed her sentimentality essentially, I lashed out at her and shot her down when she was just trying to be nice to me. I knew the moment I did that, that things may never be the same between us ever again, because I know from experience just how much it hurts for an apology to be ignored. But finally, for the first time in weeks, she was warming up to me and kind of trusting me all over again. And as a result, I just couldn't help but start falling into her eyes and smile and cute cheeks all over again...

It's not that I just love her personality, for all the cute and geeky things she laughs and jokes with me about. I guess I'm the opposite of most guys in the fact that I rarely if ever get honestly attracted to a woman, but for her it's an adoration I just cannot ignore. I'll be completely honest, of course she's not the cutest or the hottest girl on the face of the planet. But there is just something about her face and skin that just encompasses and enraptures me so, and honestly keeps me dreaming at night...

Whenever I'm close to her, whenever my body is just a few centimetres away from hers, I can literally feel her warm presence and I don't want it to leave. It's not exactly a tingling sensation, but there is just some sort of goosebump of a glow I get whenever we get that damn close, and I can't help but wish I could get even goddam closer. And whenever we're on okay talking terms, she doesn't run away when I enter her personal space bubble, as I did quite often this past week. Now granted, she herself never chooses to get that close to me in the first place, but it certainly means something when she actually allows me to be that near by her side...

For the first time in weeks, she wasn't running or hiding from me anymore, and I could just feel me falling for her all over again every single time we walked and talked and laughed together on the way back home. It was nice, really nice actually, that we were starting to feel like close friends again, for the first time since I hurt her so. Of course, the way my mind works, I started believing once again that we could be even more someday. We may not share all the same exact passions and beliefs in life, but what couple really does without it getting boring as hell? The thing is, as my cousin might say, she and I just seem to think and share experiences on the same wavelength as one another. The way I often think and joke about it, it's like two wave signals providing constructive rather than destructive interference. As geeky and scientific as that all sounds, it's probably a comment that would make her chuckle and smile the same way I did when I first was thinking it through...

All the time, whenever we get this close together again, I tend to screw myself over though. Like I said, I start treating the friendship between the both of us like a relationship, almost as if we were already holding hands or brushing foreheads or rubbing noses or some shit like that. I can't help it though; I've never been this close, both personally and physically, with a woman I cared about before. I care about her feelings, I worry when she's tired, and I'm honestly happier if she's truly happy. Hell, I've been depressed for the past month because she just wasn't smiling that smile that wakes and lights my own gentle grin every single fucking morning. Instead, all I've seen lately has been a grim grimace, and it honestly hurts to know that I was the one who may have caused her to fall into depression like she has...

Whenever I start caring about her as much as I did last week again, it's the little things in life that hurt and wound me so deeply all over again. I'v gone through the same old cycle of shit time and time again, so you'd think I'd get use to the constant disappointment and discouragements. And while obviously I am starting to cope with it a bit better, the more I care about her, the truth is that the more it still hurts. No matter whether I see it coming, the truth still goddam hurts...

I went to lunch with her this week, and besides the green tea having some weird ass effect on me (causing me to choke and gag from a swelling throat somehow... I have no allergies, so was it the caffeine? WTF?...), I didn't mind going to the place she wanted to at all. I'm always willing to give a new restaurant a chance, and she's always wishing to experiment with this sort of stuff herself. Personally though, when I invited her out to lunch, I was hoping that she would choose to just keep it between the both of us, as a private affair to sort of make final amends after what I did to her weeks ago. But maybe out of self-defence, or simply because she is somehow so close to this coworker of ours, she chose to bring this other friend along. And you know me, just like all those times before, I always feel that three's a crowd...

When I'm not in a one-on-one scenario, it takes a lot of trust in every other person I'm with for me to be happy and jovial and personable and all that other shit. Otherwise, I both willingly and begrudgingly just try to sit back and relax and listen to everyone else's stories since I really am not the type of alpha male to control and dominate the goddam conversation. The same thing happened here, reminding me so much of why I felt like such the wrong type of person for the girl at work all those times long ago. Between her and this other coworker friend of hers, all they talked about was food, the type of which they prepared and cooked and could actually subtlely taste in the dishes that they had ordered. I know nothing of this shit, and I just don't have the taste buds to be at their kind of level. It was truly disappointing, both in terms of the coworker I was with and in my own ineptness, that I remained more or less silent for the whole of the two hour lunch we had...

The girl at work, just like all those times before, tried to get me into the conversation, but she did so with topics that are quite frankly private (or nerdy) between the both of us. They're stuff I would gladly speak about with her alone, but not in front of those who had no fucking clue what we'd be laughing about. Basically, I tend to think it's incredibly rude whenever somebody across the table talks solely about the shit that he or she and just someone else understands, so why the fuck would I do the same and become the identical kind of ignorant asshole that I always complain about? That's what this lunch was all about again, the two of them talking about food and dinners and cooking and all that stuff that I just can't contribute to. I mean, for instance, when the topic of the use of pears in culinary dishes came up, what kind of mature comment could I possibly have added? That I like pears and that they taste good when I eat them fresh? Seriously, is that really worth mentioning as they're talking about gourmet dishes I had never even heard about? WTF?...

That lunch was just another prime example of just why the girl at work may be the right girl for me, but I'm just not the right guy for her. We may laugh and smile and giggle about the little geek things in life, but whenever it comes to lunches and dinners and all that other shit, we just exist on two different planes of existence it seems. I just don't know if our personalities click and match up enough to offset the fact that we simply cannot talk about the topics that she most wants to discuss when she's having fun and relaxing at a meal. I would like to understand the shit she was discussing with her coworker there, or all the stuff I heard her talk about with friends whenever I went to dinner with them before, but it's just not interesting to me and I just don't know if I can ever learn enough for us to have a meaningful conversation. We may get along fine at times when it's just the two of us together, but how the hell am I supposed to cope when I'm really that fucking useless to the cause whenever she's with someone else who talks about the shit she actually wants to talk about?...

And the thing is, she got a bit mad at me after the lunch too. I admit, part of the reason why I was silent for most of the lunch was because I'm not the biggest fan of her coworker of a friend. I mean, he's an alright guy in my neutral category, but he just never willingly talks to me whenever I try to open a conversation up with pleasantries, so how the heck can I ever count him a friend? He only talks to me when she's close by and basically urges him to tell me a story, so of course there wouldn't be the best of bonds between the both of us. But the thing is, I don't have anything against the guy, but that was definitely the impression that the girl at work got from all my silence. I didn't have anything decent to contribute to the topics he was bringing up, and he cut me off at least once or twice when I tried to start talking about shit that I thought everyone at the table might relate to. There just wasn't much point in my speaking there, and thus I remained more observant and laid back than anything else...

The girl at work has never seen me with my own friends or with strangers at a dinner. She doesn't know that basically, I was still talking more at that lunch with the two of them than I do normally with others. The thing is though, whenever I'm with her and just her, I can't help but blab her ears off, and I always feel so welcome whenever she does the same to me. She's never really experienced me as the quiet loner that I normally am, except when quite frankly, I do get mad at her for the most irrational and relationship of reasons. So as far as she was concerned, I looked angry and upset, when really I was just in my usual laid back, neutral pose of indifference. That's who I become when I'm not just with her or with a small group of people I truly trust. That's just the introvert I am, and I think she got offended that I wasn't welcoming this other coworker friend of hers with open arms...

... like I said... three's a crowd...

When they were talking about cutlery and figs and fruit, what was there for me to really say? Self-deprecating humour can only go so far in hiding the fact that I know nothing. I haven't truly enjoyed a single real fancy lunch or dinner meal that she's brought me to, so how can I talk about them in the positive light that she always does? How the heck can this ever work, if I always turn her smiles into frowns for the things she truly cares about?...

And as a result, things have been a bit strained between the both of us for the better part of the past few days. She no longer welcomes me back into her own personal bubble, and I myself keep wondering whether I really am the right guy for her? Without a question though, I know that she could very well be the woman for me. She's the first girl I've ever cared about this much, but she just doesn't have any feelings for me, so how could this ever work out?...

I wish she didn't invite that other coworker to this lunch. At the very least then, we should've brought a fourth person, so I wouldn't feel so left out for the two hours that she was having a private conversation with the other guy. But if anything, I needed another painful eye-opener. It's not just that I don't have the knowledge and people skills within me to make lemonade out of gourmet lemons in situations like this. It's also that, simply because I was silent on all the topics and issues she gave a shit about at that lunch, she chose to talk with the other coworker. She chose to be personable with him over me...

... which while expected, quite frankly kind of hurts...

I mean, I know she has no real feelings for me...

... but I can't honestly believe that there isn't anything at all...

I know my feelings for her are real. It's just that, she doesn't want to waste her time dating any man that may not be right for her in the end...

... so where does that leave me?... where do we go from here?...

I care about her. I really do. After months and months, that has not changed...

... but sometimes I've just got to wonder, will that ever be enough?...

Things are once again strained between the both of us. Part of it is my fault, for being so silent...

... but can I really be blamed?... she did choose... she chose him over me...

I guess, destructive interference, really...

... three's a crowd, and I was the third pillar...

Y2kk Update: From my point of view, I've got a lot of things happening in life right now...

... but this is normally the time of the year, when I have even more on my platter...

I'm still in that university and school funk of psychological phase, you know? After that shit has been my life for God knows many years, it's hard to break from the habit, even though I'm now essentially two and a half years removed (or more than that, if you include my part time status in fourth year). I still feel like I'm dreading mid-term exams, I still feel like I should be seeing my university friends every single day, and my body still feels like it's prepping for winter shutdown for the goddam finals (aka my usual hibernation time, as fuck no to studying). Just a weird feeling, not having a real summer break this year, that's all...

... I could use a real rest and reprieve, to be honest...

There is a lot going on in life and my household, from my own perspective at least. My brother will be moving out in about two weeks for his new place, which means that I'll be a single child more or less all over again. It's not that different of a feeling though, except that unlike university, I know he won't be back for summers or anything. We've always been close; to be honest, my brother has historically been the only person I've really been close to in my entire life. I never really bothered with confiding so much in friends or trusting them actually, when I always had my brother to fall back on things. I guess some stuff between us started changing later on in high school and then university, but still, my brother isn't just family to me. He's also my best friend, and it's going to be weird to be waving him goodbye, almost indefinitely in this sense. But whatever, life moves on...

September and October are also the months where all my family members seem to have birthdays. Fuck, I already forgot about my cousin's day, and my brother's is coming up one week from now and I still don't have any clue what to fucking get him. My aunts and uncles more or less were all born within the next four weeks as well, and I'm just not allowed by the family code of honour to forgot about my father's or my grandmother's birthdays coming up real soon. But all it means that I don't get many weekends to myself, that's all. Although with the complete lack of mid-term exams this year, it won't be too bad I think when it comes to stress. I could sure use a fucking vacation from work, but that's a story for another day...

Actually, at work, this is now the time where I'm dealing with the goddam headaches of fucking goddam management. They were supposed to open up raise and salary negotiations about three fucking months ago, yet the only peep we've heard from them since was a plea to be goddam patient. They've promised that we'll be paid retroactively for those lost months, whenever we do get our promotions, but something tells me it'll come as some fucking end of fiscal year bonus that will force all us unhappy workers to stay at the company longer than we want. They have pretty much guaranteed that negotiations will finally commence in October at the very latest, but the slow ass rate of progression here is just astounding. Political wise, I can see what they're trying to do, tying all us employees up until the Christmas season which is when 90% of the projects at the company have their goddam deadlines. I really should just leave at this point, but if they're willing to offer me the money I want, I'll stay. Problem is, when the fuck will I get the fucking chance to see what I'm worth to them?...

And my family? Oy, there are a few running problems and loose threads there, alas. Last Friday, I went out with them as they went house shopping. My parents have saved a lot of money over the years, and it's always been my father's dream to own as much fucking land as goddam possible. Which I don't have a real problem with, except a) his dream is making him want to move out to the distant boonies away from family, and b) he wants me to move with him, when I work in fucking goddam downtown Toronto. The thing is, it's completely selfish of him to want to waste a ton of money on some god-forsaken house in the middle of nowhere, but he also deserves it after putting all his children through university by saving pretty much every single dime of his life. I wish I could be more appreciative, but I'm sorry, the issue right now stems from the fact, that he's fooling himself into thinking that I want a fucking huge house for him to show off in. He thinks that he's buying a big ass house for me. I really, really, ridiculously don't want this shit...

So I pissed my parents off last Friday, apparently. The houses that we saw were all massive bungalows and shit like that, but I hated how fucking rich they looked and all their goddam remote locations. I always have a criticism for everything in life, even if I actually love the shit I'm looking at, but I sure as hell did not enjoy any of the homes I was forced into witnessing that Friday evening. And of course, my parents then bitched and complained to me later, that they were house-hunting all for me and that I wasn't showing them the proper respect. If I truly loved them, my father would exclaim, then I would move to wherever the fuck they want. But I'm sorry, I know in Chinese tradition I'm not allowed to move out of the house until I'm married, but I am NOT going to drive hours in the morning just to get to the fucking subway station and spend another hour getting to work. No fucking goddam way...

Of course, things deteriorated even further between my parents and I the day after. And for such a fucking stupid reason, or a stupid reason for things to get worse at least...

My sister's fiancee, by Chinese tradition, must get his new brother-in-laws a pair of dress pants and shoes for the wedding. But since I didn't even have a suit to go with just quite yet, he offered the whole package to me as a gift. So Saturday morning, as much as I hated to get up early on a weekend, I hauled my ass out of bed for a reason. Because it was time to spend time getting to know the guy, as we go suit hunting together in downtown Toronto. I honestly had been waiting for this moment for a very long time, just to see whether I truly would like the guy or not. The only issue was, I had no fucking clue that he wanted to get me a gift that fucking much...

... Harry fucking Rosen, bitches...

He wanted me to get a nice suit. Problem was, that was too nice of a suit. I had asked him (and later my sister off to the side) whether he was being serious or not, getting me the whole nine yards at one of the most ridiculously overpriced men's stores out there, but the both of them were insistent. I knew I would feel bad at times wearing clothes of that cost; hell, I'm sure the suit would feel like it's worth more than my entire fucking self. But if the both of them were going to be this nice for me, partially because they wanted me to look almost as nice as them and my father (whom they also bought a suit for) at the wedding, then who was I to argue? I didn't need my sister's fiancee's money, but I damn well appreciated the gesture. I figured, if he wanted to try to treat and impress me this much, I might as well just repay the favour with a much bigger wedding present in the end. It works out then, doesn't it?...

The huge fucking X-factor was my parents though, as they're so fucking obsessed over family values and penny pinching traditions. When they finally realized that I was going to be getting a suit at Harry Rosen (and this was well after we had arrived there in the morning), that's when they stepped in, and quite honestly I feel they hurt my sister's fiancee's feelings. They rejected the gift, not for my father but rather only for me, not because it was too expensive or anything, but that it was "wrong" for the brother-in-law to get a suit worth almost as much as the father's. Tradition wise, apparently I'm supposed to look like shit compared to my dad. Not only that, but my parents scolded me afterwards, for trying to take such an expensive present. They reprimanded me, not because of the overall cost itself, but because the fiancee's parents were there as well. Apparently, my money-grubbing ways dishonoured our family and made me look like I was a fucking cheap-ass freeloader or some shit like that. Whatever...

I don't completely disagree with my parents, but the way they handled all this was just absurd. I was pissed enough that they ripped the tailor-made suit from my clutches at pretty much the very last second, but I was even more disgusted at how they were offended at the fiancee for trying to do a nice thing for me. They felt like he was trying to show off his money, making them seem poor or some shit like that, and they threw his generosity right back in his face. And when I finally confronted my parents about it, they argued that there was no fucking reason in getting such an expensive suit, as it's only for show and tell and nothing practical at the wedding. And of course, in my anger and frustration at losing such a fucking valuable suit from my grasp, that's when I laid into my parents about how they were wasting tons of cash on a fucking house meant for nothing but impressing the goddam relatives...

... they, err... were pretty angry at me after that...

And yet through all this in my busy ass weekend and all that other shit, I still could only really think of her, to be honest. The girl at work, I had hurt her the Thursday before, lashed out for the most irrational and irresponsible of reasons, all of which I've well documented on this website already. It's just that, the weekend before when I was absolutely miserable with my old high school peers, all I could dream of was to be with her that evening. And as my parents were arguing back and forth about how insulting my sister's fiancee apparently was, with my feelings stuck as the goddam coding monkey in the middle there, all I could wish for was to make amends with the girl at work that I had hurt. I decided then and there that I truly did want her back in my life, that there was no point in trying to ignore her when obviously my heart just can't fucking take it. I was so fucking depressed, not because of losing the suit and not because even my parents were knifing their way into my goddam back, but because I had hurt her and my conscience just couldn't take it...

I don't know if things are alright yet truly between the both of us. But while she did seem rather down for the better part of the week, I was still always able to make her laugh. Considering what I did to her, I don't know if she'll ever truly forgive or forget, and I'll never know the true extent of the consequences of my actions, although I'm willing to accept them all for her. All I do know, is while she did not seem very happy this week at all with me, there were times that she just genuinely smiled and made me forget about all my worries. I can tell she cares about me, whether it'll ever be enough to be more than friends, I will never know. I'm okay with that though, for now at least and hopefully for a long time so I never hurt her again...

And at the very least, while I know I did hurt her, I guess the one good thing that has happened to me all fucking week long, was what I could see in her eyes. That sure, she may not want to trust me, but she still kinda sort of does. And at least, that's a start...

... as from my point of view, it's been a long fucking, frustrating week...

It all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... though with my brother's birthday bash coming up the next fucking weekend...

Bah, who knows?... maybe it will be memorable...

... as it always is around this goddam time of year...

Y2kk Update: Note to my past and future selves...

"Shut up, emo kid".

Simply put, reading over some of my recent updates, it really is eye rolling just how much of a joke I sound and have become. Life hasn't really become more complicated or anything, it's just that there's now someone I actually care about more than myself at times, I think. It's not even like there's really any true bond between her and I, as we haven't even really been out on a date or anything. But I'm not going to deny that I have strong feelings for her, which really is the root and the muse of all my follies and falls and amusement throughout the past few months...

Life is a lot more simple without her, yes... but a lot less meaningful too, you know?...

I apologized to her on Monday. It was pretty much as open of an apology as I could give her, without going deep into my reasons for being so damn irrational with her in the first place. Short story short, I got afraid. She hurt me and hurt me badly last Monday when I was trying to open up to her. And because she never told me why she was ignoring me, I got afraid that she was angry at me for something I had said or done. I was hoping for honesty and openness from her, and when I didn't feel I got it, I got terrified and paranoid that she really had no feelings for me at all. And then I did the stupidest thing I've done in months, basically reject her apology and in turn attempt to decimate her with my own frustrations. I had that dumbass mentality of an eye for an eye sort of vindictive vengeance, and it just didn't goddam suit me...

I felt horrible about it on the weekend, to the point where I really was fucking depressed as hell about it all. But the thing was, while early last week I was just so blinded by the fact that she had hurt and cut me deeply with her actions, that wasn't the real reason why I just didn't feel right on the weekend. Simply put, it was more than just guilt and remorse that I was feeling, but also goddam fear and paranoia that I was going to lose her. I am responsible for every single one of my actions, but I seriously don't know what I was thinking when I lashed out at her. I wish I could take it back, because really, I feel like it was one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my entire life, to blame her for my troubles like I did. Seriously, what was I thinking?...

I admit that I would prefer never to get hurt again like I was on Monday when she chose to ignore me. But after experiencing the pain and depression of trying to hurt her back, I realize that anything she does to me is nothing compared to the guilt I experience from what I do to her. In a perfect world, we'd never ignore each other. But in this existence we live in, as long as I have a say in things, all I can do is make sure that I never try to wound her again like I so goddam stupidly did last week. Seriously, what was I thinking?...

Like I said, it's not just guilt and remorse in this case. It's not even just fear that I'll lose her for good from what I did. It's just that, I can't stand the idea of her being unhappy. That was the whole reason this goddam shit started last week, because I saw she was distressed and I so wanted to be there for her, only to realize that she just isn't close enough to confide in me about these things. And yet despite knowing all this, I do the complete opposite of everything good and holy and logical in the universe, and willingly chose to spite and hurt her back? Why the fuck would I ever choose to make her unhappy, when the reason I was upset was because she was the one who was goddam depressed in the first place? WTF was I thinking?...

Short story short, she makes me happy. Somehow, she honestly actually does. I'm content when she's happy period, and I'm just so overjoyed if I'm the one that's making her smile. I don't want to lose that, I seriously don't, and I can't say enough just how fucking foolish I was last week for lashing out at her like I did. I wish I knew exactly why I acted that way, but all I can really explain is that I cared about her feelings so much, that it ironically twisted my own to goddam black. WTF?...

Since then, she and I have gotten back on talking terms. I don't know if really everything is alright, as she still seemed distressed and rather depressed after I apologized on Monday (although I can't expect her to accept my words anymore than I retardedly rejected hers last week). We've gone out together, just discussing random things again rather than our feelings, and we were alright together for the most part. She had seemed sad for so damn long now, more than a week in total, and yet there were times with me that she just started smiling and giggling and seeming alright. Does that mean something? At the very least, she seemed open to the idea of forgiveness...

I'm wondering though, if there was any real significant reason in the universal grand scheme of things, why I didn't really get to see her today. It was weird actually, how I wasn't able to get to work this morning, as if there were signs of synchronicity telling me to yield from the office place and all that other shit...

First of all, my alarm clock didn't go off. Not a big deal though, considering I woke up from the sunlight a few minutes before it was set to signal. Then when I approached my bus stop, I noticed there was a huge traffic jam thanks to some car accident or something. As a result, my bus was badly delayed and I missed my goddam GO Train. So, after finally arriving in Toronto about an hour late, I run into every frickin' red light possible on my way to work, and then encountered a busted and broken elevator in my building (when nobody else reported a fault). All of this felt weird to me, as if some force was telling me to stay the fuck away from the office. I really have no idea why I felt that way, it was just a bloody hell signal I got...

And then as soon as I turned on my computer? As I soon as I was all set for work?... the fucking electrical power cut out...

WTF? Well, there's a clear as daylight signal if I've ever seen one, from the goddam Hydro Powers That Be...

The reason I arrived back home so early today, was because a fucking squirrel or something got into the electrical boxes in the downtown grid and suicide bombed itself into fucking shrapnel and shreds. Power was out for several city blocks, and what the fuck can a computer programmer like me do then without a monitor, data or fucking network to use? Even all the restaurants were completely out of energy and were serving nothing but salads on the goddam patios, so why the fuck would I stick around in the city for lunch? My boss was offering for me to leave back home, and considering I haven't been sleeping or feeling well for over a week now, why the fuck wouldn't I follow his lead?...

The thing is, I didn't really get to see her today. The girl at work, our only real contact was a passing fancy of a wave and nothing more. I dunno, I felt kind of hollow then, I was so hoping for more. But for some odd reason, something today was telling me that I was kept away from her for a reason. I don't know what or why, maybe we would've blown up at each other if the day had gone by normally as planned. Or maybe all of this was all just some random coincidence orchestrated by squirrels causing car accidents in my own town and fucking electrical explosions in downtown Toronto. Either way, I just had this crazy impression thoughout this morning, that something was seriously out of whack and amiss. Can't quite place my finger on it, but it was almost as if I knew I was not meant to be at work today...

... then again, I think I get that feeling a hell of a lot...

So really, are things okay between her and I? I don't know, not quite yet. I guess only time will tell...

... time after time... I screw up and make mistakes...

After each apology though, I do feel we eventually grow closer and closer...

... only to make the same bloody hell mistakes all over again...

I wish she felt the same way about me as I do about her...

... she doesn't... I know she doesn't...

But she feels something. She cares about something...

... I could see it in her eyes after I lashed out...

She was hurt... she was hurt badly...

... and just like me, she was afraid...

So just a note to my past and future selves?...

... I never want to experience that again...

Y2kk Update: Oh, the irony. The timing, the fucking timing...

... like clockwork... like goddam fucking clockwork...

Last week, the moment that I started thinking good thoughts? The very second after I start believing that there was a chance? As soon as I found myself happy, as soon as I let myself feel something real once again, as soon as I opened myself the fuck up?...

... then this happens... right on cue, it all fucking happens...

If you two readers couldn't tell from my update last week, I was angry as fuck over being stupid enough to assume a night out with my high school friends would result in anything but one of the most aggravating experiences in my entire fucking life. In retrospect of course, it's silly and ridiculous how much I overreacted to what essentially amounted to a couple of assholes ruining my evening, but rationality has never been my forte. I was torrid about it, ready to spew venom left and right about all their self-righteous goddam bullshit crap. I know I'm anti-social to a goddam large pedigree, but there was just something about those people that night that fucking gets under my goddam skin. I couldn't take it, I just couldn't take it, and I was ready to fucking burst at the seams when it comes to fucking venting...

But you know what rang true that night, even above the storm clouds brewing in my head? The whole time as I was rolling my eyes at those goddam assholes, I honestly kept thinking to myself, "I wish I was with her, I wish I was with her... I wish I was with her". The girl at work, the girl I have fallen for, she's all I could really think of that night. I just wanted to be with her, you know? After experiencing a night out with my university friends a few days before, and after going through the hell that is high school emo drama class all over again with these bullshit assholes, all I could honestly think about was how I would rather spend my time with her. I kept thinking to myself, she's the one who understands me, she's the one that I can best understand. She's the one who listens to me, I kept repeating over and over again in my head, and she was literally the only person in the whole fucking universe that I wanted to be with that very fucking night...

Monday finally came, and like I said, I was ready to burst at the seams when it came to goddam venting about my whole fucking weekend. And the thing is, I was actually kind of nervous, strangely fucking nervous about going into work, simply because she would be there. It was on that very damn weekend that I truly discovered and learned in myself, that I truly do really care for her more than any other girl before. I was so relieved and excited and happy to see her after a fucking weekend gone so horribly wrong, that I was actually goddam fucking nervous about it. I guess I had built her up on some pedestal in my mind, after realizing that I truly do care for her more than any of my university and high school friends at this point. And I trusted her, I trusted and so full-heartedly believed that she would listen intently to my story, that she would understand and relate to my plight. I didn't even second guess it at the time, I just knew in my heart that she would be there for me, that she would provide relief and comfort and a goddam warm, welcoming smile...

That's when I saw her. That's when I saw her face, and immediately knew something was wrong. I tried asking her if she was alright, and she said she was fine. So not really thinking enough of it at that point in time, I tried explaining to her my dilemma, I tried venting to her about my goddam shitty ass weekend. The thing was though, she wouldn't fucking listen. She was more busy rolling her eyes and playing with her skin scabs than to actually give two shits about my fucking story. I thought nothing of it at first, so after a while I just shut up and let her be. She eventually left my area, afterwards I started asking her on the instant messenger whether she really was alright, if everything was actually fine. But I got nothing back from her except meaningless one-word responses. Not even a warning that she was upset about something, but rather just fucking one word responses of nothing...

Sure, I felt like dirt at the time, I felt like complete trash for thinking she'd actually listen to my problems with an open mind. But I could tell something was bothering her, I knew that something was wounding her guts. I could see it on her face, and I could sense it from the way she was speaking, but she wouldn't tell me what the problem was...

So what else could I do but wait? I had asked her if she was busy with work, but she claimed that she had finished most of it the Friday before. So I knew, I so heartedly knew that something was wrong with her, whether it was an issue with friends or family on the weekend or with just me specifically. Considering she wouldn't talk to me, I felt I had no choice but to wait it out, hoping that she would eventually tell me what the reason was for ignoring me so. There just had to be a reason, right? After all that we had been through, after I swore that she smiled at me with warmth and trust, then she absolutely had to have a reason before completely shutting me out of her life like this, right? If she cared about me, and I was sure at the time she cared, then she had to have a real reason for doing all of this shit. I honestly refused to believe otherwise...

... she didn't speak to me for the rest of that Monday... but that was alright, I knew she was having a bad day, so I let her be...

Tuesday came around, and still the same excuses and responses I got from her. Nothing but meaningless dribble, as she was completely shutting me out of her existence all over again. I tried to ask her what was wrong, I tried to find out what was bothering her, but all I got were meaningless replies and dreadful silence and repose in response. I tried waiting it out, I tried to be as understanding as possible, but by lunch of that Tuesday, my goddam patience was untimely wearing thin. I so desperately wanted her to tell me what the fuck was bothering her to the point of blocking me out completely, but no mention of anything ever came from her. Hours went by as the day passed by, and still nothing but stony and eerie silence came from her corner of the goddam universe. I so wanted to be there for her, I so completely wanted to be supportive and goddam understanding. But by the end of Tuesday? I just, I just felt so fucking worthless from being shunned and stunned and suckered, that that's when I started losing all sense of focus and rationality in the goddam world...

... ironically, that's when she finally broke radio silence with her own version of an apology...

She wrote, "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you much. I'm not ignoring you. I just can't afford any distractions right now"...

... an apology... well, sort of one... except it didn't help me feel better at all...

And I felt so bad about her words making me feel even worse. I should've just taken her remorse and ran away with it, as it must've taken a lot of courage for her to muster up and even start talking to me again like she did. But like I said, by that point in time, after two days of hitting a goddam fucking brick wall after believing that she really was the person I trusted most in the world, I just wasn't thinking rationally or logically. I so regret what I did in the days to follow, I'm just so fucking sorry...

My mind had fucking snapped, and all I saw was the fucking word of "distraction". I mean, I was a distraction to her? How, why, WTF? She had fucking told me that she wasn't busy on Monday, and I had even asked her again just in case the Tuesday morning after. She still hadn't confided in me any fucking personal problems she was having, whether it was with family or friends, so what else could I do but naturally assume she had an actual problem with me myself? She was fucking ignoring me whether she admitted it or not, for two days straight by that point in time, and the first thing she tells me after coming out of her self-induced coma is to call me a fucking goddam "distraction"? In retrospect, I should've just realized that she was apologizing and I should've thanked her genuinely for that. But the way my mind was just so fucking wounded at the core, I just couldn't help but feel hurt even more...

I had waited, fucking waited two whole days for an explanation to come, over why the hell she acted the way she did with me for all that time. I don't know if she ever fucking realized just why it was hurting me so badly, or whether I was hurt at all in the first place. But she never once asked about my weekend again, about how I was just so fucking angry with what had transpired with my high school friends. And she never once explained to me just why she was ignoring me for those two fucking whole days. After all of that time trying to be supportive and understanding and caring for her, and after she gave me absolutely nothing in return but absolute pittances of responses, her only real explanation and apology to me was to call me a "distraction"? That was it, was that really just fucking it? I know I should've just humbly taken her comments and realized she was trying to make amends, but my mind was seeing nothing but fucking red...

... I truly am goddam colour-blind...

I honestly don't remember Wednesday much. I just pretty much ignored her myself for the whole of the day, hoping that she would ask me what the matter was. She never really did, and of course that gutted me to the heart even more than I was already. I was still waiting for her to tell me stuff, as I guess I never really figured she wouldn't realize that from my point of view, she hadn't truly apologized to me at that point in time. I kept thinking to myself, "she just can't keep hurting my feelings like this, then assume everything is alright with just one throwaway comment". Regardless of her apology the day before, she was more or less shunning me yet again for a third day straight. Regardless of her remorse the night before, she still hadn't given me the fucking reason why she was ignoring me in the goddam first place...

And I couldn't take it, I just couldn't take it...

... as Thursday?... goddammit, what was I thinking?...

... Thursday... is the day I snapped...

I came into work so emotionally torn and bitterly goddam depressed. I was just so blinded, so jaded. I was such a fucking fool, thinking of nothing else but how she betrayed me so. I had trusted her, I tried to confide in her my feelings from what had happened on Friday night, yet she did nothing but pretend like I didn't even exist in the world. I came into the office that week, so goddam trusting in my heart that she would be there for me, that she was truly the one person in the world that would understand me and make me feel better about the whole damn bullshit I went through. But instead, she threw it all back in my face, caring more about her own problems than she did of my own, and yet she never once bothered to confide in me just what the fuck those problems were in the fucking first place. She just didn't give a shit enough about me to care, or to trust me with her feelings herself. She didn't think I was "worth it", to actually be honest and truthful and goddam open about whatever the fuck she was actually upset about...

... heh... I even used those exact words, "apparently I'm not worth it", when I lost it with her that morning...

Finally, finally she had asked me what was bothering me, considering I could barely look in her eyes that morning at all. And truth be told, short story short, I let her have it. I was just so fucking angry and so fucking disappointed that she absolutely did not give a goddam flying fuck about me, that I demanded from her an explanation for why she was ignoring me so. And her responses, the sad part of it all, just made me feel even fucking worse than I already was. Not just because I was feeling absolute guilt and remorse for making her feel like utter shit, but because she was literally trying to laugh and brush off every single one of my fucking comments that I was making in serious pain and pride...

It was all too familiar. It reminded me all too much of when I last truly did open up to her, the day that I told her how I felt about her. And what did she do back then? She laughed at me, she mocked my feelings and threw them back in my face, taking it all as some worthless crap joke...

That's just not something a man can forget, you know? No matter how much I want to forgive, it's just not something that ever truly heals in the pits of the soul. I had convinced myself that it was all some defence mechanism from her, that she laughed and chuckled and goddam rolled her eyes because she refuses to let herself ever feel anything that is real and genuine. I was sure in myself that I was getting through to her then, after all these months, of getting her to feel what she really fucking feels. I thought I saw that in her the week before, in the way she smiled with such fucking genuine joy and happiness at all the little things we did together. I thought we were connecting, I thought that she was starting to care...

But Thursday, Thursday I just felt so fucking cold. Even when I was lashing out at her, even when I was opening myself up with all my Tantalus torment and torture and pain, she still did nothing but laugh and chuckle about it all. She brushed me off, scoffed off my feelings, and constantly tried to dismiss my comments with nothing more than a hollow sigh. And it hurt, it really so goddam fucking hurt that she was treating me like a pure goddam joke. I had so desperately wanted her to just listen to me, to just try to reconcile our differences, but instead she was only interested in getting back to work and avoiding the goddam problem at hand. As even in my hopeless frustration, I was still worth absolutely nothing to her but a goddam laugh...

I was demanding to her an explanation, and she was claiming that there wasn't one beyond that she "didn't have the energy to talk". Maybe she was telling the truth, maybe that really was all there was to the entire damn scenario and that once again, I was just blowing everything a thousand times fold out of proportion. But even so, what I'm so fucking depressed at even as I write this all now, is that when I was essentially pleading with her to just give me the fucking time of day, she just didn't give a shit enough about me, to actually help me deal with the issues I had with her and myself. I had come into the week so full of life and excitement and goddam nervousness, so firmly entrenched in the belief that she would understand me, that she was the one who actually did care about what I felt. And yet this happens, this all fucking happens right on cue, right when I was opening myself up to her for the first time truly since she fucking first laughed in my face...

And now I just feel so stupid, so fucking goddam stupid, for ever believing that she really was the one I should spend all my time with. I've tried dealing with this all, I've tried fooling myself into the goddam belief that maybe her cold and bitter shoulder was all some defence mechanism after she and I were finally starting to get close. But really, when I was in pain, when I was so desperately reaching out to her on Thursday to just take my fucking hand and tell me something, just anything to make me feel better, all she really did was claim that nothing was ever really wrong in the first place, and then went back to my work as if I was just a mere fucking "distraction"...

... and now, seriously, what do I do?... where do I go from here?...

At the start of the week, she was my world. After experiencing life in high school and life in university all over again, I came to the epiphany that she truly was the only person I really gave a shit about. She was really the only person who was making me happy. I had realized all this, and after seeing her smiles light up my universe all last week, I was willing to do whatever it took just to be with her. I so honestly believed that she would listen to my problems, that she would be concerned about my issues...

And when she shot down my feelings, when she completely ignored me for two days straight even after I had made it clear I was crying out for some sort of self-centered attention, I still tried to be understanding. I still tried to be supportive and there for her. I had wanted to confide in her that Monday morning, because she normally listens so carefully and intently whenever I do trust her with my honesty and feelings. All I wanted was to return the favour, to perhaps play the hero for the day. I knew she was in distress, I knew something was the matter. All I really wanted, was for her to confide in me...

But she never did. Instead, even with her apology, I felt shunned and ignored. This entire week, I've never felt appreciated, I've never felt wanted. And in retrospect, I should've been more understanding, I should've just been more patient and waited for her to talk with me again. I just lost all sense of focus and decency, and I can't say enough right now how fucking sorry I am for attacking her like I did Thursday morning...

I was grief-stricken, even heart-broken as sad as that is to say. I was getting ripped apart like a torrent of a storm from my feelings and the way I was being dismissed, yet she did nothing for me when I was calling out for her in distress. She just brushed me off, gave me the cold shoulder once more, and ignored me for the rest of the day yet again. I so desperately wished she would confide in me, but I was wounded just so fucking hard from the fact that even in my anger, even in all my pain and frustration, she still didn't give a single fucking damn...

I wish I could be angry at her, but at this point in time, I'm just honestly fucking goddam depressed. I just feel like such a fool, I feel so fucking stupid, for ever thinking that she could be the one. All I wanted at the start of this week was to spend time with her, yet as a result of my goddam baseless assumptions, I don't even know who she is anymore. I opened myself up to her, both Monday and Thursday, more than I ever have since I first told her how I felt. And yet she did nothing more than ignore me, scoff me off, and fucking laugh in my face all over again at my goddam feelings. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?...

I know I'm being so selfish, but she hurt me, she really fucking hurt me. This is why people get afraid at commitment, because once you start opening up and trusting a person so fucking implicitly, it just hurts so fucking much when you feel they stab you in the back. And the saddest part of this all, is that we two aren't even a couple. I could've sworn the week before from the way she giggled and smiled, that we were already more than friends, but we never fucking went on a date, we never fucking kissed, and we never held even fucking hands. It was all an illusion, it was all in my mind yet again, that I had fallen for this girl who actually gave a shit about me. And after I opened myself, after I widened my heart with the intention of fully letting her in, then all of this shit happens. All of this fucking bullshit happens, right on fucking cue, and I feel goddam stabbed in the fucking heart...

And I can't feel better. I've tried to deal, and with time, I know wounds will inevitably heal. But in the short run, in the here and now, the irony is that the only person that can help me with my problem is her. But she won't fucking help me, she just doesn't fucking care. What more can I really expect then? She can't fucking help me, because she just doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her...

The only manner in which I feel I can claw myself out of this goddam depression, is if she somehow starts showing that she actually fucking cares. But how the fuck can I ever ask her for that, how the fuck can I ever expect real honesty from her again, when I was proven so fucking wrong this week in the fucking first place? I can't help how a person feels, and I just can't blame her for who she is...

The irony is, I was so hurt this week, because everything I had believed in her was so fucking wrong. And the only way I can possibly feel better as this point in time, is if by some miracle, she turns out to truly be the woman that I thought she was in the fucking goddam first place. But it's just not true, she proved that to me this week. It's just not fucking meant to be...

So what do I do now?... where do I go from here?...

... all I wanted was to help her... that's all I really wanted...

I haven't felt this level of agony in months. I never want to feel it again...

... I'm so sorry I hurt her... I'm just so fucking sorry...

But I believed in her. I confided in her...

... how the fuck am I supposed to make this heal?...

I am so fucking stupid. Just so fucking goddam stupid...

... for trusting in her again... for ever having faith...

My God, the irony. The timing, the fucking timing...

... it's all worth a pathetic laugh, really...

Like clockwork... like goddam fucking clockwork...

... like a broken fucking watch...

Y2kk Update: You know, for the longest damn time, I actually thought I missed high school...

... goddammit, I'm so fucking dumb...

This past week consisted of the best of both worlds, if "best" can really be the right way to describe it. I'm still goddam tired from it all, staying out until 1 am on a workday when it came to my university friends on Tuesday, and then to almost 3 am with my old high school buddies on Friday night. It's weird, really, that I would go out with both parties and factions in the same damn week when I haven't seen those university friends of mine in a year or so, and I haven't bothered with these high school acquaintainces of mine for God knows how long now. And yet, it all came to a head this fucking week, all equating to my own personal version of Dante's fucking Inferno of hell when push came to shove...

Actually, the thing is, I did enjoy the company of my university friends. One of my closer ones was returning home for a week from the Alberta (Canada) area, and I haven't seen him or another of my old close friends for a year now. We've all been busy with work, and while we do occasionally keep in touch, it's just not the same. With September rolling around, I was feeling all damn nostalgic about school, university specifically as I kind of do miss the sensation of fear and paranoia heading into a new semester. Good times, right? Good fucking times, yeah right...

And when it was just between these two friends of mine and I in a Second Cup, having a cup of tea and chatting about how things have been, I personally enjoyed the day a hell of a lot. I was tired and pissed off as hell from work, but there's just something great about quietly relaxing with friends that simply cannot be denied. I can't tell whether my buddies there were bored or not, although if I couldn't tell, it probably means they were enjoying themselves as well. I like taking the time slowly to catch up with people, provided that I can actually talk to them in a somewhat personable and private conversation...

That's when we got to the dinner side of things though. And while I didn't have a horrible time or anything, I will admit, it's not like I really had the time of my life either. There were about ten people at the table, and half of them I had barely seen before if ever. Some of them I never cared for in the first place, and they simply didn't care about me. I personally had little to talk with them about, and I know they didn't want to talk with me about anything really in the grand scheme of things...

I've never been a fan of social gatherings, I'll admit that straight up, as it's just so awkward for me to deal with people that I've never really been friends with before. We were all there to celebrate the wedding of one friend and the temporary return of another, so of course I wasn't an ass to those who kinda ignored me. I made small talk and friendly chat and I did perfectly fine for the whole of the night, I think. It just wasn't the most enjoyable experience for me, that's all. It was mostly forgettable and completely fatiguing, as I just don't find social gatherings like that to be any sort of real fun in the end...

Then again, it's also the fact that in that group of mine from university, I've always been the ugly duckling of an odd man out. I don't normally let it bother me so much, that I'm the lone non-South Asian guy in the entire group there, as of course it didn't stop me from being friends with these people back in university in the first place. But every time I'm with a large group of them, everytime I'm with people who don't know me and don't want to know me, I can tell that they don't want to speak English but are forced to simply because I'm there...

I'm sure if I asked them if I was being a bother, they'd simply lie and tell me that speaking English is fine. I know deep down inside they're lying though, since every time somebody gets on a roll with some funny story from their life, they revert back to their native language as they yuck and laugh about it all. All of them do, so of course I feel like I'm the one dragging the rest of them down when they gawk at me and switch back to English. I don't mean to, but obviously I feel left out when I can't understand what anyone is saying, and the look on my face says it all...

It's more than that though, when I'm with my university friends, when it comes to feeling left out. If anything, what I actually am ashamed for is how selfish I am in comparison to the rest of them. Maybe they all came from poor backgrounds before where they always looked out for each other, but really, they're just so damn communal with one another that it kinda breaks my heart to witness how cold and sterile I am compared to the rest of them. Just for the little things, like passing the salt and sharing food and shit like that, they're all so open to one another, as if they were all blood related brothers. Now, I'm not saying I hog the dishes or anything, but there were just so many little things that went on in the dinner that were so much more communal than what I had been trained with. The way they acted, it was never forced or "polite" with them, it was all natural, you know? It's not like I didn't have manners or anything, but in comparison to them, I did really feel like I didn't know how to make the rest of them feel welcome, like family...

I didn't get home until past 1 am that night, and even after I did, my head was spinning and racing with ideas and worries that maybe I never really belonged with this group of friends of mine in the first place. They were all Indian or from Pakistan, they all loved Cricket, they all spoke a ton of different languages with each other, and they all share a common bond that I will never be able to be a real part of. They're all nice and quiet and personable people, which is why I became friends with them in the first place. But the fact that I've barely seen them all in over a year up to this week, and from the simple truth that large social gatherings like the one on Tuesday show just how different them and I really can be in the end, I was definitely up for untold hours in the night pointlessly pondering who my real friends are in life...

... for a while there, I was actually contemplating whether my long lost high school comrades were the real group I belonged with...

... goddammit, WTF was I smoking?...

Because I sure as hell now know what all my high school acquaintances were smoking, all thanks to goddam Friday night out with a whole bunch of them. I mean, sure I keep a couple of my old buddies around, the ones that I trusted back then and all that other shit. But for the most part, I've lost complete track of almost everyone I knew from way back in my teenage era. And for a while there lately, I was seriously wondering whether I should jump-start contact with them all over again...

... God, I'm such a fucking goddam idiot...

Friday night was one of the worst fucking nights in my entire life, I shit you not. It started out alright, with just four or five of us guys just chilling and relaxing, although of course I felt out of place that I didn't have a beer in my hand or anything. But the guys I were with, they weren't particularly interesting or anything, and they sure as hell weren't really smart with their conversations. At least though, they treated me with the kind of mutual respect that I expect from anyone who had learned real humility and all that other shit. I had water in my hand, and although they thought it was weird, they just shrugged it off and said "cool". That's all I ask for, to be left alone to be my own person. Those guys were confident enough to do that. And while I didn't particularly like them enough to give a crap about ever seeing them again, at least they had my genuine respect from sheer common courtesy...

That's when a bunch of other fucktards from high school and resident colleges started showing up. In other words, the friends of the friends of my fucking friends. These were the fucking asshats that I never gave a shit about six fucking years ago, and what was most sad was that the same traits that made me hate them back then were still so fucking prevalent now. I mean, hasn't six fucking years of bullshit taught them any form of goddam respect and humility? Seriously, it's like I was talking to the fucking emo club from the fucking old skool melodrama class or some bullshit like that...

In high school, the sad thing about people was always that they were a bunch of wannabes and posers, a crap shoot of morons who did a bunch of shit they thought was cool and badass, in some endless pursuit of feeling important and gaining attention in the world. What post-secondary school and fucking work is supposed to teach these people, is that you really are nothing in this world and you probably won't ever amount to much either. Instead of trying to be the fucking alpha male or being the fucking shit or the slut of the village, you should just be who you really are and let others be who they want to be. Now, the saddest thing about these kinds of people, is that whenever they see someone that is not like them, they won't fucking shut up how they've got to "help" that person become as great as they fucking are. The Van Wilder superiority complex, really. Give me a fucking break here...

You know that kind of bullshit, how if somebody isn't drinking, they won't fucking stop putting beers and vodka in front of your face until you give into fucking peer pressure? Or the kinds of idiots who after realizing you don't have a girlfriend, will just make you feel like total shit for not getting laid every fucking goddam minute or so? Now sure, these are the kinds of morons I can choose to tolerate as long as they've had five or so drinks before spouting this crap, but that wasn't the case with the goddam fucktards I was dealing with on Friday. The very moment they sat down at the table, they wouldn't fucking shut up about themselves and how great their lives were, no matter how insignificant or meaningless everything they did really was...

It's not even just about the usual introvert and extrovert bullshit here. I can take extroverts, as long as they have proper respect and humility, after they've been put into their proper place by the rest of goddam society. But with the dredges on Friday, all hopped and juiced up from using and abusing goddam drunk and horny freshman students, there's just a goddam viral nature to their assimilation and conformity methods that I simply cannot stand. They were living in some delusional fantasy world where they really are great people, where everything they say or do touches or controls the life of another person, and there was never a fucking moment where they wouldn't let me hear the fucking goddam end of their hot air bullshit. Jesus fucking Christ...

But sadly, you know what I fear ever more than meeting up with these jerk-asses again (considering I know who I'm now fucking dealing with here)? What I'm paranoid of, is the inevitable fallout I'll get from the people I know, people I trust (my brother already, for instance), all claiming that the issues here that I'm having are really all my own, that I would've enjoyed myself if only I wasn't so anti-social. And you know what, they're right for the most part, if only I was more of a people person then at least I could've tolerated the college-type of shit I was dealing with here...

But the fact of the matter is, just like I can't stand being constantly coerced into drinking and I can't take being compared to other people's goddam sex lives, it just gets fucking tiring and annoying to keep hearing how I need to be more goddam social all the fucking time. Sure, I can be influenced through subtle persuasion and shit like that, but honestly, give me a bit of credit here instead of beating me over the head with a goddam fucking ugly stick. If I'm around cool people, I'll act cool and and I'll act polite back for the most part, unless I'm just too fucking tired to care. But Friday night, there was a real fucking difference here between regular extroverts and goddam fucking asses, and it fucking sickens me to the core whenever somebody doesn't realize what kind of rhetorical, repetitive bullshit I was forced to fucking goddam endure...

If anything though, these high school fuckwads did teach me a valuable lesson, or one that I should've relearned a long time ago. There's a reason why I preferred university over high school, and that's mainly because of the company. I may not have the language of skills or even the courtesy that a lot of my closer friends did in engineering school, but at least we all shared the common traits of accepting others for who they are. I may be an asshole at times, but as long as you let me be who I really am, I will accept whatever kind of person you want to be as well. High school never was as welcoming as that, being filled with nothing but wannabes and goddam posers in the end. If anything, Friday night proved to me that I really did make the right choice when it came to my friends and my schooling and all that other stuff as soon as high school was over with. That much, for the time being, I can finally be sure of once again...

But it wasn't like I was perfectly happy with Tuesday night as well. Now sure, it was fun being out with my friends, just chilling and relaxing at a coffee shop like I mentioned before. And I guess in retrospect, some parts of Friday night weren't so horrible as well. The early parts, when it was just some of us more mature guys hanging around the table at the pub, complaining about work and shit like that, all of that was alright as far as I'm concerned. And yet still, in both instances, I still couldn't help shake the constant feeling that there was someone else that I wish was by my side...

... sigh... I am so fucking goddam pussy-whipped at times...

It's just that, if there is anyone out there that I would prefer to be with? It's her, the girl at work who quite honestly, I can't stop thinking of. I know that all I really do on this website is complain about her, I know that. But that's simply because she simply is the only person I give a damn about right now, and I can't help it if it hurts at times when she just doesn't feel the same way...

... yet there are oddly those moments, when I swear I can sense that she feels the same way really as I do...

On Tuesday morning, it turned out that she had made some snacks over the weekend, as she loves to bake things at home. In the past, I haven't really tried much of her stuff, since she never really brings it for me (she has lots of other friends she gives the taste test to). But when I asked her how her weekend went and she mentioned she made some cake, and when she asked back whether I wanted to try some or not, I just couldn't resist. And yeah, the cake she had made, it was pretty good. It was already a day old so it wasn't the freshest, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me grin like a cat at just sweet tasting it really all was...

And as soon as I did? I dunno, they often say that the path to a man's heart is through his stomach, but it's probably more true for her than I. Because I swear, the moment I even smiled the slightest grin, her face just lit up like the grandest of Christmas trees, and the joy on her face was simply so fucking uncanny. I had written on this website last week how I wasn't sure if she was "faking" her happiness with me the Friday before, but that Tuesday morning, I knew for certain in the deepest reaches of my heart that she was just so fucking happy that I actually enjoyed her food. She was beaming, she was glowing, she was overjoyed with fucking relief and pleasure. I swear, she was so fucking adorable and cute there, the way she was swooning at me like I was the only other person in the entire universe at that point in time...

I've seen others enjoy her food before. She has never acted like that, the way she did then and there...

... the way she couldn't stop staring at me?...

... was that... love?...

And the same thing, that precious gaze on her face, has happened more than once in the past week alone. There are times, there are just times, when I can sense that she is just so happy that I'm there with her, and that I'm happy with her. They may be rare, they may be mere fleeting moments like fucking ghosts, but they are real and they are genuine and they are so goddam heartfelt. She cares for me, I realized it more than ever before this past week, and it makes me so honestly content to have finally seen that sparkle in her eyes and on her lips once more...

... the thing is, she just doesn't care enough for me...

... to date me... you know?...

That's alright though. If anything, this past week has proven to me without a shadow of a doubt, that even if we're just "friends"? Just being with her, just spending my time in her company, is all I really want at this point in time. I care for her and trust her more than anyone else right now, it seems. Now sure, I'm sure she'll hurt me again soon enough, and I know that I'll be complaining and bitching about her on this website yet again. But no matter what, deep down inside, she is the one person that I truly want to be with. That feeling has been true for me for some time now, but it's never felt more real than now...

... goddam, I am so fucking goddam pussy-whipped...

And it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

Because Friday night? Friday night, was not my idea of goddam fun...

But Tuesday? Tuesday, for the first time in over a year?...

... it was good... good to see my university friends once more...

... it's always good, to be reminded of who you are...

Y2kk Update: Well, I'm finally thinking clearly again...

... fuck...

As expected, this past week I've been all bent out of shape and phase, thanks to the goddam fucking flu that I've had and still have. I mean, it wasn't a horrible onslaught of the disease or anything, as it really only caused a slight fever and partial headache and shit like that. The thing is though, it always happens right on cue, that it turns out the weeks that I can't stand the girl at work the most? Are the weeks where obviously I'm feeling ill to the stomach for other reasons, but haven't fucking realized why just yet...

When my internal thermostat goes all out of whack, I lose all sense of focus, temperament and tolerance for bullshit. The thing is, I have feelings, strong feelings for her that just won't go away. Nothing has changed since she laughed in my face, and I couldn't help falling for her all over again, at how warm and friendly and passionate she was for the first half of the week before, then suddenly turned cold and completely indifferent to me the very next days after. I just have no patience for this kind of shit when I'm feeling ill with a fucking temperature in the forehead, I just don't. I wish that I could control myself, and I wish that I had a fucking proper early warning system to alert me when it's my own immuno-deficiencies causing me to wreck havoc amongst my friends and coworkers. I'm just not smart enough for this shit, alas...

But still, even so, there was nevertheless a real reason why I couldn't stand her on Monday and Tuesday, even if my overreaction can mostly be blamed on my own goddam sickness and stupidity. I just wish she gave a damn about me, that's all...

Anyhew, she was alright with me for the latter half of this week, after I finally realized just what was causing my mind to spiral into sporadic migraines. In fact, she was oddly better than fine on Friday afternoon, eerily cherry with a cherry on top, to be honest. I mean, I guess it was nice of her to be all playful and somewhat flirtatious with me as we walked from work to Union Station, except it felt so fucking weird because from my point of view, it really came out of nowhere. Maybe she was chatting up some guy she likes on her instant messenger before she went out with me, I dunno. All I do know, is that she was just surprisingly adorable considering how goddam cold and bitter she had been towards me for over a goddam week by that point...

The thing is though, I'm not sure if she was actually happy there. Maybe it was just my own pessimistic perspective being out of whack or something, but at times it really felt like she was forcing the issue, almost as if her contentment there was all just an act. Or if anything, maybe she was actually genuinely happy, as she had a good reason to, considering it was the Friday before a well-deserved, long weekend. It's just that, that same damn blatant indifference that she has shown me for the past fucking week? No matter how giddy and bubbly she was on Friday afternoon, I still felt that same damn indifference from her, as if it really didn't matter whether I was there with her or not. She seemed happy in spite of me, I felt. Hell, I bet she would've been jumping and bumping off the walls in delight even more so if I wasn't goddam there. None of her joy and enjoyment was being directed at me, I felt. I pray that I'm wrong, but that's just the honest to God impression I got...

... but yes, she did seem happy for once... shouldn't that be all that matters?...

... I wish it was... I mean, I want it to be... I wish it were so...

Well, either way, at least it's finally September. I've now worked at my company as a full time employee for over a year, and it's about fucking time I got my just desserts. Part of the reason why I fucking got so fucking inflammatory sick this past goddam week, was because I chose not to relax at home the week before. My teammate and I were a week behind schedule for one of our big projects, and even though we had excuses why (tons of spawned meetings with management and random new functional requirements, to name a few), it's still our duty to roll out a product on fucking time. So I worked at home after every single day after work, not for that many hours each night mind you, but still enough to finally get the job done. I just wish I got more rest and respite and reprieve from the same kind of fucking stressful bullshit this week, that's all, especially when I was just starting to feel sick all over again...

Either way, a date has finally been set for my contract negotiations to start. Beginning this Friday, my teammate and I will finally be able to argue over how much fucking money we're actually worth to the company. And if things go sour, if I don't get what I fucking want? I have no qualms or compunctions right now with just walking out on the spot, giving my two weeks notice along with getting back my two weeks of fucking vacation. I don't know if I'll really have the guts to pull that off when push comes to shove, or if I'd instead just take the paltry offer I expect them to give to me, and then silently look for a new job on the side. I really don't know, but I've been waiting for this moment for the past several months now, and it's finally time to see what I'm really fucking made of...

I just hope my fucking goddam fever is gone by then, you know?...

... so that at least, finally I can think clearly again...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

And if only I wasn't still feeling like complete goddam shit?...

... then maybe it would be...

... as September always is...

Y2kk Update: Goddammit... I'm so fucking tired...

... I'm so fucking tired of all this goddam bullshit...

Last week was one of the most painful weeks of work I've ever had. Not only did I suffer through the stupidity of God knows how many pointless meetings, not only was I ridiculed and rebuked for my ideas by my own peers (even if they have no real say in the fucking project I'm working on), but I even forced myself into the hard fucking labour of goddam working at home every single fucking day of the week...

My teammate and I, thanks to some design miscalculations and the fact he was on vacation for over a week, were one week behind in our estimations of our progress. The thing is, normally I wouldn't have given that much of a shit, considering we had excuses for why we were behind. But with management riding our asses about the delays, and with our goddam salary negotiations coming up this goddam week, I felt I had no fucking choice but to pick up the slack and get a product out of the fucking door. And while it's still far from perfect, at least I achieved that goal...

... though management didn't give a fucking piece of shit of an ass to give a crap...

... but of course, even so, you two readers out there know that work is never the real cause of why I'm so fucking goddam pissed off...

Well, before I get into that though? At least I had a decent enough weekend. It was both of my grandfathers' birthdays, with the one on my mother's side turning ninety. We had a banquet for him, with some pretty good food, and I didn't even have to pay (though of course I did offer). My other grandpa, I was surprised that we were taking him out of the old folk's home, considering he's been too weak to get out since last year's Christmas. We didn't do much with him around, since his mouth can swallow really nothing but congee anymore. But he enjoyed being with his children all at once again, and I was just happy that I was able to help him move around once more. It's been a long time since I've seen him walk...

My weekend was pretty eventful, actually. Spent the rest of it dealing with computer issues and then spanking a few kiddie problems, as my cousin had his annual BBQ send-off bash for our family friends from Hong Kong. I was left more or less supervising the five or so goddam rugrats who were tossing around my goddam Wiimotes like they were ragdoll physics, but surprisingly I didn't really mind. I was just happy that I was able to spend some quality time with family once again, not just with my grandparents or my cousins, but actually with my brother as well. He left for a trip to Calgary and Banff this morning, but before he did, we got to do a whole bunch of shit together and got to talk about some meaningful stuff at dinner. I've been worried actually, that he's been ignoring me for his new girlfriend far too much and such and such, so it was nice to finally get back in touch with the one person in truth I care more about than anyone else...

... I truly am a hopeless family man...

And Monday and Tuesday last week? Monday and Tuesday were days I will always truly romanticize, but now curse simply for how fleeting it all really was. Those were the two days where I swear I could feel a real connection with her, the girl at work, whenever we would talk and joke and laugh together. Now, I don't know what mystique quite made those two days so damn memorable to me, except for the fact that everything between us just managed to so easily click and flow. She was kind and gentle and compassionate with me, she seemed interested in all the stupid shit I had to say, and I fell into her eyes all over again, honestly fooling me into believing that there could be hope for us yet...

The way she looked at me that Monday and Tuesday, the way that we both sort of stared into each other's eyes whenever we would listen to each other talk? I dunno, but there was chemistry there, I could literally feel the goddam connection. I thought for sure that maybe this was it, that maybe she and I stood a chance at being a couple like I had dreamed so many fucking times before. Those two days, I don't know what was in the air or what we had done differently, but everything between us to me just felt so damn genuine and so damn real. I felt like a completely different person. For two fucking days there, I was fucking happy. I thought she was as well...

... but naturally?... naturally, that's when she went cold...

Monday and Tuesday were spectacular, sadly two of the best days of my life somehow. Which only made Wednesday that much harder to grasp and bear in the end. She pulled a complete 180 on me, as if she got scared of what we once again had. From being the most warm and passionate person I had ever known, she all of a sudden became completely distant and goddam indifferent to everything I had to say to her. She didn't give a single fucking shit about anything I ever goddam muttered. She wasn't even listening, really. She was just off in her own little world, ignoring my very presence as if I wasn't even there...

I don't know what set her off, I really don't. I know she was ridiculously tired, from going to bed at ungodly hours the entire damn week. But even so, she's done this late night shit before, and she never treated me like a goddam ghost back then. Tuesday versus Wednesday was like night and day, polar fucking opposites resulting in the most frigid of goddam storms and circumstances. I do know that perhaps all of this shit started on Wednesday, when she invited me out to a lunch with some other coworkers and I declined, simply because I already had my own plans. Would that alone really be enough to set her off like that? She pretty much ignored me for the rest of the fucking day, I mean. Was that it, or was there something fucking more to all this goddam bullshit of hers?...

I can't say she was rude to me or anything. I mean, I have to still give her props for listening to my goddam rhetoric in the first place. It's just that, she didn't have the strength to even put forth the effort to laugh at my jokes, or pretend to find them the least bit amusing, really. Conversations were just dead between her and I, as she was completely dissatisfied and completely disinterested in anything I had to say or offer. Even when I was talking about my goddam upcoming weekend to her, how it was my grandfather's 90th birthday and how I would have a huge BBQ family gathering and all, she still didn't care. I mean, for once I actually had a weekend worth talking about, and yet after all these other weeks where I would genuinely be interested in anything she had to do over the Saturday and Sunday, she just completely shrugged and brushed me off, giving me the cold fucking shoulder and probably the middle finger to boot? WTF?...

Thursday was the key day in whatever sort of downfall of a downpour we had between the both of us. There was some shit fest of a social gathering at my company, and at first I was alright to go. I was pissed at the girl at work for ignoring me all morning, but in the final moments before the "Fiesta", she started being nice to me online all of a sudden, so I felt inclined once again to visit. Afterall, as much as I hate that kind of bullshit political atmosphere, it was better to show up at least, to not rub people the wrong way with a bad fucking behavioural impression. I never intended to stay long, but at least I should've shown my face in the fucking first place...

The thing is, on my way there, the first person I saw was her. And I don't know what went wrong and cuckoo in that fucking nest of a head of mine, but the moment I saw her there? The moment I saw her fucking smiling her fake ass smile, laughing out her fake ass laugh, grinning her fake ass grin, and pretending to have a great fucking time with a whole bunch of coworkers that I quite frankly don't give a shit about? Now, I know that I have my own fucking fake political laugh, I know that I have my own fucking fake political smile and all. But seeing those on her, seeing her then and there in the full onslaught mode of goddam fucking bullshit pretense? I couldn't take it, I just couldn't take it. I was already angry at her for earlier that day, and I just didn't want to deal with her in a goddam precarious situation like that. Not when I knew I would experience nothing of any sort of real honesty from her...

At the time, I didn't know why seeing her pretense of a smile gutted me so much deep down inside...

... but today?... today, now I know...

... now I fucking sadly know...

On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I had walked with her after work in the hope of rekindling some sort of that connection that we shared the Monday and Tuesday before. But it just never rematerialized, it just never came back. It just never fucking showed its face again, and I don't know why. Now sure, I know she was really tired, and I thank her for at least showing me enough respect to not put on that fake fucking laugh of hers that she does (perhaps unknowingly) with so many other people she calls her "friends". But still, at the very least, I expected some sort of interest from her whenever I made a simple joke or whenever I even talked about the fucking weekend coming up. In the end though, I got nothing. The only real honesty I got from her, I guess, was the plain ass fucking truth that simply put, she did not give a single fucking damn about me or my cause...

I just felt sort of betrayed, that's all... that she wasn't being honest before, that is...

... because the last thing I would ever want, is for her to have to "tolerate" my fucking goddam bullshit...

... or worse yet, pretend to even like it...

This morning, I came into the office completely willing to give her one final chance. I cut her some slack last week, considering how morbidly tired she was throughout the latter half of it all. But today, this Monday, after a weekend that she herself admitted was relaxing enough with plenty of rest? I was expecting her to show some sort of compassion, some sort of concern, and some sort of goddam genuine interest in whatever I had to fucking say, just like she used to one fucking week ago...

... but she never did... she never fucking did...

It was a simple test, a simple fucking test. Afterall, for the final three fucking days we shared last week, I had talked about my grandfather's birthday, I talked about the family gathering I would have, and I spoke to her about every single fucking thing I was looking forward to and dread on the goddam weekend...

All she had to do, all she fucking had to do today, was show some goddam courtesy and concern, and fucking ask me how my goddam weekend went. That's all I was asking for, that's all I was fucking waiting for. That was the test, that was all I fucking wanted. For her to fucking ask me how my fucking weekend went. Was that too much to fucking ask?...

... but she never did... she never fucking did...

... I waited the entire morning... the entire fucking afternoon...

Even after I had asked her about her Saturday and Sunday? Even after we had talked about her entire fucking weekend?...

... she never did ask... she never fucking asked...

... was that too much?... really, was that too much to fucking ask for?...

Now, without a shadow of a doubt, my greatest tragic flaw is simply that I care too damn much whether other people care about me or not. Even so, I can't help feeling like shit that simply put, she doesn't give a shit about me, she just doesn't give a shit. No matter how many opportunities and chances I give her to prove that she even remotely considers me more than just a castaway of an acquaintance, she proves time and time again that she simply does not give a fucking piece of shit. I wish I could just shrug it all off, I wish I could just take it all on the chin in stride, but I can't. I just fucking can't stand being ignored, I just fucking can't...

Last Thursday, I wondered why the fuck seeing her fake fucking laugh and her false fucking smile made me turn away in disgust like I did. At the time, I thought that perhaps it was simply because I was still angry at her for ignoring me for the whole of that morning. Or perhaps, I pondered whether it was simple Transference I was suffering through there, that I hated seeing on her face the same kind of goddam political pretense bullshit that I would've had to smear and mask myself with if I went into the Fiesta of a foray...

But you know what it was in the end? You know why seeing her like that really did piss me off? It's because deep down inside, while I keep hoping she is being honest and fucking genuine with me, it's times like today that prove all those moments she was listening to me, and all those times that she was laughing at my jokes? Chances are, she was simply just putting on a fucking act for me as well, a fucking goddam shield of a mask meant to pity me with her goddam tolerance of bullshit. Now sure, I can never be 100% certain that she really doesn't give a damn about anything I have to say or offer her, but it's days like today when I try to be so completely into her yet she never even dignifies me with a response, that just screams back that this is yet another lop-sided, one-sided fucking goddam, worthless crush of mine...

All I want, is for her to goddam genuinely care... to care about me, in some form more than just a goddam novelty of a travesty...

... and while sure, of course she's special in my eyes, the same fucking thing is all I ask from any of my friends...

... and if they don't reciprocate?... then sad to say, I myself just don't give a damn, with little to no remorse...

I know it sounds so fucking petty, perhaps even conceitful, to be so damn infuriated with the girl I claim to adore, simply because she was too damn ignorant (or perhaps just too tired and forgetful) to ask me about my own fucking goddam weekend...

... perhaps, but even so?... it still shows just how damn low on the priority list I really am on her goddam mind...

... some things just never change... some things just never fucking change...

It's been a horrible past week of work for me, one of the most pain-stakingly excruciating seven days I've ever had in my entire fucking life...

... but at least on Monday and Tuesday?... she gave me a reprieve...

... she gave me a reason... she gave me meaning...

This week though? This fucking goddam week?...

... I can't take it any longer... I can't, I just fucking can't...

... I don't want to care any more... I don't, I just don't...

I don't want pity... I don't want pretense...

... I don't want false fucking hope...

... I just want some goddam rest...