Y2kk Update: I guess I should probably just get down to business here. Nobody really reads my website, but I just feel like logging about what I've been up to anyways...

On the May 24th weekend, my brother, his fiancee and myself all went down to Chicago. It was really nice of them actually, they actually paid for my plane tickets because they couldn't think of anything better to get me for my birthday. We went down to the States to visit my sister, who was finishing up her MBA at Kellogg's at Northwestern before flying off to Beijing to be with her husband. There were moments on the trip that I didn't have a great time, notably whenever my siblings were criticizing me over the little things in life or the big things about my personality. I personally thought their timing was a little off, considering they really made me feel like I had ruined their vacation with my usual annoying clinginess and stuff. Still, beyond all the family crap that normally goes on, I think we all had a good time. We all got to sample some good food, namely at Fogo de Chaud where we all pitched in for some Brazilian BBQ, and later at Gino's East where I treated them all to Deep Dish Pizza for my new job at the time. We only spent three or four days in Chicago, and like I said, at times my family really made me feel like a complete outsider on this trip. Then again, there were times I really appreciated them and remembered just how much I'll miss my sister when she leaves.

My next trip was to Charlotte, North Carolina. I went there in late July and it was my second time visiting my friend there, a friend I've sorely missed having around here in the Greater Toronto Area. We're both relatively quiet guys so it's not like we did anything crazy. I got to go back to his favourite pizza place which always ends up serving good food. We watched Inception amongst other films together, which always reminds me of how much I miss going to the movies with him every week or so. I admit, I'm not a big film fan any longer and sometimes this actually annoys my friend, it seems. What I do enjoy is going to the movies with him and having something to talk about afterwards, since it's always great to have good conversation with close friends. And really, while most of our time in Charlotte was simply going to restaurants and catching a movie at the theatre later at night, I really did enjoy my stay in Charlotte. My friend is always a good host and I even still like the novelty of flying solo on a jet ride down to the States. I wasn't a big fan of my plane ticket cost (even on sale, it was twice as much as I paid two years ago, which is ridiculous during a recession), but it was definitely worth the trip to spend some time alone and with a friend. The weather there was brutally humid and hot, I even started sweating profusely during mini-golf of all things, but I really do miss having my friend around here and I'd happy to go to Charlotte again.

I probably would've enjoyed my vacation time even more if it wasn't for school blocking the way. I really did enjoy my return to university initially last year, I thought it was fun to get back into studying and to roam about campus with the hope of finding new friends. But things didn't turn out the way I had hoped they would, namely thanks to work and my age finally creeping up on me. I still haven't found any new friends at York University, and ever since I started my new full time job in March, school and my marks just haven't been the same. I'm proud of how I still managed to score B+'s and A's when I had six courses (and seven exams) to finish back in April, but I was only in training at work at the time and didn't have to pull in the mental overtime that I do today. During the summer, I only had four university courses (second year law, and third year Operations Management, Canadian Income Tax and Intermediate Accounting II), and I found myself struggling with each one. In the end, I managed a B+ in the Operations Management course since that class featured the most basic of math, but I really was struggling in Canadian Income Tax until I miraculously ended up with a B after the final thanks to the bell curve, and I also barely passed Intermediate Accounting II with a C+. Technically, a pass in a course should be simply a D (or so I thought when I first returned to school), but it seems York University has some weird system where each prerequisite for a later course is required to be at least a C+ or higher. Which means, thanks to my full job work interfering with my full time studies, I came dangerously close to failing my course and not being applicable for all four of the classes I'm scheduled to start this fall term. That's not a feeling I liked. I had enough of it back in my University of Toronto days...

The mark in my law course was a bit of a perplexing story. I went into that final exam with at least an A, yet when I saw my mark posted on the York website, it claimed I had received a C+. While a pass is a pass, I was completely baffled as to how I could've dropped so far in that course when I thought the exam was pretty damn simple. After e-mailing the professor, it turned out it was all a blunder. He corrected my mark on the York website and it turned out to be a B+, which was about what I was expecting when I left that exam room. I have no idea how the TA's or whoever else could've screwed up my score that damn badly. I'm just happy it got taken care of, especially when it comes to worrying my brother. I'm a horrible liar, and the dumb (or brotherly) thing was, he was concerned about my law exam mark since York university had actually scheduled my final exam the very day after his bachelor party weekend...

What is with my school and my work scheduling such horrible dates for me anyways? I already mentioned how I had just started my new job just one or two weeks before I had seven final exams to write in the Spring term. Then next thing I knew, I had an Operations Management test scheduled for during my May 24th vacation, and my goddam Canadian Income Tax midterm was set to take place the very day after I returned from Chicago. I managed to reschedule my Operations Management one and got a good mark as a result, but I couldn't do the same with Canadian Income Tax, and since I really didn't feel like studying while on bloody hell vacation, it all led to a travesty of a mark which I'm thankful my final exam mark erased. At least school didn't interfere with my trip to Charlotte in any way, though unfortunately my work life happily took its place. The day that I left for Charlotte was the day that my managers had set up some big presentation of mine to our corporate clients. I had no choice but to skip it since the clients refused to reschedule, and I left pulling a ton of overtime to make my deadline for that goddam morning. Then it was both work and my university studies that screwed up the scheduling with my brother's bachelor party. There was no way I would miss out on the only bachelor party he would ever have in his life, but with a work deadline (and yes, yet another presentation to the clients) due the very day we were set to leave for the weekend getaway, and also with my bloody hell law final exam scheduled the very day after the bachelor party? Well, the only thing worse would've been yet another work milestone and yet another damn presentation to the client the day of my brother's wedding, which, as you two readers have probably guessed, my manager scheduled for me as well. In the end, that was a total of three of my four presentations to the client that I had to skip or reschedule, and I was working until after 7 pm and studying past midnight for so many of those days...

In the end, it was all worth it though, I believe. I had a great time in Chicago, despite my Income Tax exam the day after. I had a great time in Charlotte, even if I was scrambling for work up until the very hour that my plane was to depart. And I had a great time at the bachelor party, even though I had to spend the latter day skipping frisbee amongst other things to stay in my assigned room and study bastard law principles until pretty much I was bored to tears. At least, my brother was happy and relieved to hear that I did well enough in that course...

His bachelor party was a weekend getaway in the Blue Mountain region, and it was scheduled by myself, my co-best man and the other groomsman. As the co-best man, there was no way I would be missing out on three days of enjoying clean country air, as it would be my first time ever staying in a cottage or Chalet or whatever we had rented for a grand. The first night was mainly just everyone drinking around me, as I basically just sat there and somewhat enjoyed seeing everyone else get drunk. My brother was certainly in a good mood afterward, and my co-best man got so wasted that he wandered off to another bar thinking we were right behind. I spent most of that night just talking and relaxing with my cousin and his sister's boyfriend. Even if I only had cranberry juice in hand, I still pretty much enjoyed that first night. It was a brand new experience for me to just stay in a country cottage with nine or so other guys as we cooked BBQ and played video games all night. Sad as it is to say, it was one of those simple experiences I never had before so I cherished it when it came.

The second night wasn't as fun, as we went out to another bar at night and everyone got just as hammered as the first night. It's fun to watch people get drunk and puke once in a while, but it kind of gets tiring two nights in a row if not more. That's where one of the groomsmen actually seemed to have a problem with me. He's an honest guy when sober and probably even more blunt when drunk, and he pretty much criticized me with a harsh tone of how I wouldn't even have a drink when it's my brother's one and only bachelor party. My co-best man has always been cool about it, he's a nice guy and he realizes that if I'm going to drink, I'll do it for my own reasons and not anyone else's. The groomsman is also a cool guy, but he definitely has a pet peeve against anal, uptight nerds like myself who can't enjoy a good party. And the truth is, I kind of did feel bad that second night for not sharing in any shots or even having a beer. It's not like I had to go driving anywhere and the groomsman did make me feel kind of guilty for just sitting there in the shadows. In the end though, I chose not to drink, partially because I didn't want the guilt of having alcohol simply because of his peer pressure. He kind of ruined my night a bit, but maybe that was more from my own insecurity.

The third day at the bachelor party was the day I was stuck inside studying for my exam. And to be honest, if I was at home before this law exam, I probably would've just procrastinated by writing a download update or cleaning up the house, so maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I was there at the bachelor party. My brother didn't want the guilt of having me fail my course because of his party, and he even had asked me to leave the Blue Mountain getaway early so that I could have some peace and quiet at home. I would've felt terrible if I did that, so I stayed and studied all the way with the hope that I wouldn't let down my brother (which is the real reason why I got so frightened when I saw that initial C+ as my mark). The fourth and final day at the cottage was mostly just breakfast and hanging out admiring the breeze and view before we were set to depart. The night before, we had all eaten wings and heard lots of stories of the glory days that my brother used to have in university. After reminiscing like that, we were all ready to get back to our normal lives and get ready for his big wedding day. Even if I didn't drink a single drop of alcohol, and even if that one groomsmen sort of made me feel terrible for sucking the life out of the party (which I guess hurt me more than I expected, since it was a very similar criticism to what my sister and brother were telling me back in Chicago), I still thought I had a good overall time relaxing in Blue Mountain. And what matters most to me is that my brother really enjoyed his time there with friends and family as well. It was a good weekend, one that I wouldn't mind going through again sometime.

After the bachelor party, I somehow suffered and survived through my final exams for the summer university term and then finally it was time to prep for my brother's big day. It was a really important week in so many ways for everyone involved, really. It started off with the anniversary of my grandfather's passing, and since my sister and brother-in-law had just come back from China for a couple of weeks, it was good for my mother that our entire immediate family was there at the cemetery. Then the following Tuesday, it was actually the champagne birthday of my brother's fiancee, who was turning 24 on August the 24th. It's hard to believe how special this year is for her, considering she just started the marketing job she's always wanted, her and my brother have already bought a house that they will hopefully be moving into by the end of the year, and it's also the year of her Chinese animal to top it all off. Her birthday felt really special, even if it wasn't really about her birthday so to speak. My brother and his fiancee had scheduled a dinner with the parents and the wedding party, and we all had a great time as we exchanged stories and gifts around the table. The happy couple had treated ourselves and the priest that had driven all the way from Ottawa to marry them, to an entire Chinese banquet dinner that really was a nice preview of what we would have at the wedding. After dinner, even though I technically had to work early the next morning, I made sure to stay out at the bar to celebrate my soon to be sister-in-law's birthday as long as I could. Once again, I didn't drink anything at all, which raised an eyebrow or two as usual, but I had a fun time nonetheless simply being there with family and people that I cared about. Heh, I even tried to get to know one of the bridesmaids a bit better, but I guess it didn't take...

Work was really hectic for me that week, unfortunately. Like I mentioned before, once again my managers had scheduled a presentation for me to the clients about the project we're working on. We have milestone deadlines to meet and unfortunately, considering I was taking the Thursday and Friday off that week, that meant I had to work a lot of extra hours to finish the product as best I could. I'm not sure if they appreciate me at work or if they'll reward me once my contract is up in October, but all I cared about that week was being there for my brother and making sure his special day went off as best it could. Emotions were running high at the time at home, with my brother and I even getting into a heated verbal fight over something as lame as how attached I am to my parents and family. I understood the kind of pressure he was under though, and I did my best to support him the only ways I knew how. I did manage to finish my part of the project on time, but it's kind of ridiculous how little sleep I got that week as a result. And then combine that with just three hours of sleep the day before the wedding (because I stayed up until 3 am practicing my speech), four hours of sleep the night after the wedding (thanks to a 4 am bedtime and a wedding party brunch the next morning), and then finally only another three or four hours of sleep the day after (since I had to drive my brother and new sister to the airport for their honeymoon at 4 am and I really couldn't get back to sleep after)? I don't know how I survived that wedding weekend with all the energy that I had. I didn't even have any tea or coffee. Sometimes I surprise myself...

Thursday night was relatively quiet but still special. My brother, my brother-in-law, and us groomsmen all went to The Keg together to celebrate my brother's last night of bachelordom. The long weekend at Blue Mountain was fun, but something personal and intimate like a good steak dinner is something I'd prefer for my own bachelor party one day. We spent the night mostly talking about strategies for the wedding games that would happen the morning of the wedding. In Chinese (or Hong Kong) custom, the groom and his groomsmen (and whoever else is invited to participate) arrive at the home of the bride to pick her up, but are not allowed into the house by the bridesmaids until several challenges are first met and then a lucky money payment is made. I thought we came up with a good strategy, personally. My brother was set to start off with gifts of the bride's favourite jam and morning breakfast cereals (keep in mind, the games are meant to be both funny and personal), then would follow that up with a teddy bear and flowers. If we still couldn't get past the bridesmaids after that, we'd bring out the big guns of first a choreographed (or lack thereof) group song, and then finally we'd present a family of paper cranes (a running theme of their relationship) representing the groom, the bride and the two children she wants. To be honest, I was a bit nervous heading into the wedding day, not just because of my best man duties or the speech I'd have to make, but also because of the challenges of the morning games. Like I mentioned before, I didn't get to sleep until 3 am because I was practicing my speech and then three hours later, the first thing I thought to myself when my second alarm clock woke me up was, I can't even feel my damn legs. How am I ever going to make it through the games let alone the rest of the day?...

And I've got to admit, there were a few moments during the games when I actually was starting to feel a bit down. It was my brother's big day though, so I sucked it up and put on a smile and ended up having a good time when all was said and done. For example, there was this "seaweed" game that I will never speak of again after this download update. In this game, the groom and us guys had to pass a tiny piece of seaweed from one person's mouth to another, with each piece of seaweed getting smaller each time. I was an idiot and even though everyone else was smart enough to use their lips, I was actually using my teeth to clench and hold the seaweed wafer. I wish somebody had jokingly told me what to do, but instead the groomsman who had a problem with me not drinking at the bachelor party, kind of sternly and seriously told me to use my lips when I think I came too close to his. I felt bad for a second, but I knew how important this day was to my brother so I put on a smile and breathed in as much courage as I could to do it properly the next time the seaweed came around. Lucky for me, my cousin accidentally ate most of it and my co-best man dropped whatever was remaining when his lips came too close to mine. In the end, I had a good time, whether we were making Lebron James poses in front of fake photographers (as celebration for a successful challenge) or whether I was apparently cheating at push-ups while everyone else kept going. It was a gauntlet of games, none of the challenges (save the seaweed one, of course) were difficult, but the games went on for almost an entire hour and I was so fucking tired when it was all said and done. It was tough to get the lucky money offering down from $3999 to $309 (even the paper cranes didn't seem to work), but it was all definitely a memory I won't forget.

Next up were the photographs. I thought we were going to be taking them in a nearby park that is known for its scenery, but the university students that my brother and fiancee had hired were rather modern in their artistic thinking and actually took us outside a Longos supermarket for snapshots instead. What ended up happening was, while the bride was actually sitting in a shopping cart and having her photo taken that way, the manager of the supermarket came out and offered us free Starbucks drinks in exchange for a photograph in front of his Longos sign. Being the sell-outs that we were, we kindly accepted the offer and thankfully got some free drinks out of it. Not only that, but besides the much needed rest we got from taking pictures after all those morning games, my brother and his soon to be wife even got a few more pictures inside the Longos that surprisingly worked well with their careers in the food sales and marketing industries. When the photographers first took us to the shopping centre, I was very confused and questioning the decision because it certainly didn't seem wise to be taking pictures in front of fire-trucks and inside of shopping carts that could've easily ripped the wedding dress. Thankfully though, the gamble paid off and not only did my brother get some great original photos, but the entire wedding party got enough caffeine or sugar in ourselves to give us the energy to get to the Church for the wedding with style.

The ceremony itself was relatively standard, but for those who really care about my brother and his fiancee, it was an absolutely beautiful ceremony that I couldn't be more happy about. Well, there were a few small moments of my own I'd change. The first though was probably not my fault, as I seemed to be the only one in the entire Church to respond to a prayer (and I got a snicker for my lonely wolf sound from a bridesmaid as a result). The second gaffe was larger and more my fault, when the priest was preparing for Catholic Eucharist. Instead of continuing to kneel at the front with my brother, his new wife, and the maid of honour, I got confused and I actually sat back down. I didn't know the priest would come to us and give us Eucharist where we were kneeling, I had originally thought we would have to get in line, so I looked like an idiot when I was the only one of us four to head back to my seat. And the last thing I'm kicking myself over was after signing the registry to confirm their marriage. It was an honour for me to be able to act as their witness to the marriage, and I felt horrible when my brother kind of got annoyed at me. I have a tendency to not just be a follower in all things, but I also literally walk behind everyone else when given a chance. That annoys my brother from time to time. At the wedding, I felt that he and Margaret should've walked down from the registry signing together first, so when I was waiting for them to pass, my brother actually gave me an annoyed face and he forced me to walk ahead of him. I know it was only a minor thing but I just couldn't accept how I annoyed him during what should've been one of the happiest moments of his life. From that point on, I knew I had go the extra mile in making sure every moment that day went as special as possible for him and his wife. I hope I did my job.

Next came the traditional Chinese tea ceremony, and besides the usual family issues when it comes to hierarchy, I personally thought it went well without a hitch. My mother finally started crying after an entire day's worth of holding it in, and it's always great for both my brother and I to see her so happy. It was what would happen after the tea ceremony that had me nervous in waiting, namely the introductory dances when the wedding party comes out. As guests started pouring in for cocktails and as the parents and couple welcomed guests in through the Chinese wedding line, I was left scrambling and pacing and debating with myself how my partnered bridesmaid and I would leave our mark and make an impression on the dance floor together. I had barely even danced a day in my life, and hell, I'm still sadly embarrassed about how badly I did so during my high school prom (goddam memory spasms never seem to go away). The bridesmaid that I was paired up with soon decided that we could end off our introductory strut with the ever classic cowboy robot routine. I was more than fine with that, considering it looks so dumb by default and requires so little coordination that there was no possible way that I could screw it up, right? And in the end, I guess I did a good enough job, as my cousin claimed she was laughing so hard when I made my moves that she even dropped her camera. I kind of feel bad though that I got so caught up in the moment that I left my partner out to dry. Neither of us knew when to quit our dance moves and move on, so I think I kept going for a few seconds after she was done. Whoops, I didn't mean to leave her hanging there, but how could I possibly leave the dance floor without blowing out my guns and giving a nod to the crowd? It feels good to be a crowd pleaser now and again.

To be honest, everything between that moment and my speech is still quite a blur to me. My brother later called the night "surreal" because of how magical it felt and how happy he was the whole way through. I can sum up my entire night until my speech with one word, "nervous". I'm a horrible public speaker, and I feel bad for this, but I was concentrating more on my own speech in my head than I was listening to the parents or my sister and brother-in-law as the MCs in their speeches. When the big moment finally arrived for me, us groomsmen all stood up together and I quickly realized in my head that I had no clue how to silence or gain the attention of the crowd. So I did what I always do under awkward circumstances, I literally just acted awkward until people started laughing and cheering me on. When my co-best man gave me back the microphone and asked if I could share some words, I opened up with an adlib of, "Sure!", in such an awkward and unnatural way that the crowd actually burst into laughter. From that point on, I said my speech exactly as I rehearsed it. And I don't know why people actually laughed at any punch-lines in my speech, considering all I talked about was how my brother would literally beat me up with hockey pucks and real WWE wrestling, but it was definitely a good feeling that the entire crowd seemed to be listening to every word I had to say. Eventually it got to the sappy part of my speech, and maybe I really did get flustered or emotional or something, but I honestly can't believe that I fucking forgot my words. I paused in the middle of my speech and let out an eyeroll at myself in the form of a sigh. I eventually got back on track and because of the nervousness in my voice that had returned, everyone just assumed that I had gotten all choked up during my speech about my brother being married. It was perfect coincidental timing actually, that forgetting my lines actually helped my speech seem even more genuine and emotional because I had gotten lost exactly where the sappy stuff was set to start. Maybe they were just trying to be nice to me or something, but two of the bridesmaids actually claimed my speech made them cry. If true, wow...

The rest of the night, I simply got to enjoy. It was a great evening all around and I couldn't be happier for my brother and his wife. When it was finally time for their speeches, I was touched when my brother told me that he still looks up to me after all these years because I really know that he means it. And when it was time for my new sister to make her speech to my brother? In a completely surprising move (one that I was told of earlier in secret apparently, but that I had forgotten all about thanks to nervousness over my own speech), the bride actually took up a guitar (that she had only learned to play over the past few weeks) and actually sang a song and serenaded my brother in front of every single witness in that reception hall. It was beautiful, she played the guitar like a professional and her singing was absolutely endearing and adorable. It was completely touching and my brother started crying in front of everyone in the audience at how magical of a moment it really all was. With the standing ovation that followed, the bride and groom really did bring the house down. It was amazing.

And after that, it was just partying the rest of the night. Even I decided to get into the groove of things. My fellow groomsmen and I had decided that it would look bad if we weren't all out on the dance floor. I thought my dance duties had been finished with my badass cowboy robot, but what's one more encore to seal the night as perfect for my brother and his bride? So off to the dance floor I went and to be honest, while I won't admit this to anyone else, I had a pretty good time. I sweated up a storm and I feel a bit bad for stepping on my cousin's heel, but it was all in good fun and she had it coming anyways for taking so many damn photos of me doing the fist pump or whatever else in the heat of the moment. That night, all of my brother's friends also got so wasted at the open bar that it literally made the bachelor party look tame. My co-best man for instance, he was pretty much sober up until the point of our speech in front of the crowd. Yet the following morning at the breakfast brunch, he was so hung-over from taking twenty or more shots that he couldn't even raise his head from the breakfast platter. And as for myself, simply since I partially did give into peer pressure? I did have some wine and champagne as expected for my brother's wedding (just like I did at my sister's wedding), but I also gave my word that I would try at least one beer with my fellow groomsmen. It tasted like piss and I barely even got past the half way mark, but hey, it counts.

It was a great wedding and like I keep saying, I couldn't be more happy for my brother and my new sister. What actually meant the most to me personally though, is the talk I had with my brother afterwards when he mentioned that the whole night felt so surreal to him. He singled me out and admitted to me that he really was happy that I enjoyed myself, and that he really was proud how I made my speech in front of the entire audience the way I did, especially considering how nervous he knows I get before every single time I speak in public. It means a lot to me that he was so happy, it was the entire goal I had for everything I did that wedding day, from the morning games to the badass dances I gave. It means even more to me that he realizes how hard it was for myself at times to be the kind of brother and best man that he had hoped for on his wedding day. I'm normally an anal, pessimistic prick, but I did my best to have a good time, knowing full well that that was the best way to help him be happy on his wedding day. I'm a horrible liar and a horrible faker, so I knew that the only way to truly make my brother's day special, was to genuinely and honestly have fun myself. And in the end, I had a great time and I honestly felt proud and immensely thankful of everyone involved.

The next morning was the breakfast brunch where unfortunately life started to feel a lot more normal again. After that was the post-wedding BBQ that my parents scheduled with the two families and out of town guests. I was left running around our house cleaning up food and dishes, even though I guess it would've been fine to leave it all for later. I didn't have that much time to associate with guests, but maybe that was partially for the best considering I was on so little sleep that I didn't have a single thought in my head for a good conversation. My brother and the rest of the guests got to watch the filmed video of the morning games from the day before, and everyone expectedly laughed at me during the seaweed and push-up games. The BBQ in the end was a wildcard but I think it turned out well. Every family member got more food to eat than they could handle, and everyone got to give their congratulations to the happy bride and groom on a much more personal setting than the night before. I just wish I got more sleep before dropping my brother and new sister off at the airport, that's all...

And that pretty much leads us into today. They've been on their honeymoon for a week now and I'll be picking them up at the airport tomorrow afternoon. As for what's happened in the week gone by since the wedding day, my sister and brother-in-law have left for their new lives in Asia this past Thursday. I honestly felt sad saying goodbye to them that morning, as I may not see them again for a year or two if their new jobs really are as busy as they believe they will be. When my sister first left for China a couple months ago, I knew I'd see them for two whole weeks for this wedding ceremony at least. But now, I have no clue when's the next time I'll meet them again outside of Skype. And suddenly, when I was hugging her as huge of a goodbye as I could, I realized to myself that despite all of our differences and disagreememts, I really will miss her. To make matters even more lonely, my close cousin also left again for Queen's University in Kingston this weekend. I spent a lot of time with him this summer, including the wedding day after I gave my speech. Even though he didn't give me any sort of compliments, I knew he was actually impressed by my words because he didn't even make fun of how awkward I was up there. He may be my little cousin, but his opinion of me really does mean a lot in my eyes. Like my little brother, I know my cousin looks up to me, so I do my best to be a good example. I did help drag him onto that dance floor afterall, or so I claim...

With my sister and cousin both gone, and with my brother and his wife now starting a new life together, things will feel very different for me from here on out. Still busy, but definitely very different. The new university fall term starts for me on Tuesday, and I have four advanced accounting courses to trudge my way through, including an auditing one that apparently requires a group presentation and multiple group assignments. I don't know how the hell I'll find the time to get everything done when I've been working overtime at my job for the past month and a half or so straight. The project I'm working on now should finally settle down within a couple of weeks or so, but what will happen to me after then? My contract will be ending soon, so either I get released and laid off, or I'm given perhaps a new role and a new location and I'm forced to learn everything new again while trying to survive at school. WTF?

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

And between you and me? Visiting my sister in Chicago, watching movies with my friend in Charlotte, relaxing with the brisk air at Blue Mountain for the bachelor party, playing the morning games for the wedding, dancing the cowboy robot for shits and giggles, actually having a crowd laugh with me instead of at me during my wedding speech, and listening to the roaring standing ovation after my sister-in-law sang her song to my brother? It's been such an amazing past few months for my family and I. It's surreal to realize this summer will end...

I love my brother and I'm so thankful that he found the love of his life. After all that has happened, it's only now that I stop and wonder for the first time in a long while...

... when will it be my turn to be this happy?...

Y2kk Update: You know, a lot of people wear their "busy-ness" on their chest like a badge. I've heard so many friends and family members alike all boast about how they don't even have a single second to themselves with all the things going on in their lives, as if I'm actually supposed to want the same for myself or some crap like that...

Arguably, over the past couple of months, I have been living the busy sort of life and quite frankly, I'm already getting sick and tired of it. Every time I tell someone that I'm working a full time job while studying full time at university, I get those sort of "you're crazy" looks where people are both impressed and think I'm insane at the same time. Before all this started, I actually was kind of wondering how it would be feel to be able to brag about how I'm actually using my time and effort on things in life that others might consider to be productive. I've traditionally only had school or work and played video games and wrote on this website of mine in my spare time. In the end though, all I've really gotten in return for the ability to boast about my busy crap is this feeling of remorse and guilt. Every time I mention my own schedule, somebody just seems offended and then fires back with statements about how busy they are themselves. It's practically a competition between everyone for self-worth in this case, and that in itself is more tiring and disappointing than the actual job and studies I put up with.

I really miss writing on this website, you know? I've complained about it a ton in the past, how I wish I could just flow my thoughts out on this noname blog of mine on a regular basis, simply because it's both therapeutic and it feels like sadly one of the few endeavours in my life that I actually do care about. But yes, I've just been so damn tired and lifeless on evenings and weekends after work that I can't be compelled to even sit down for an hour and type out my thoughts. The even sadder thing is, I don't really suspect it's the job and school-work itself that makes me feel this way. I always feel so damn drained after those hour-plus commutes back and forth in my bloody hell mini-van, and it only got worse last week...

I got into my first real accident last Wednesday. I don't know what I was thinking, I guess after months of rush hours commutes on the highway, I became overconfident despite the fact I was still in a bloody hell Ford mini-van that barely has the brakes to stop. I wasn't trying to follow too closely to the woman driving in front of me on the 401 freeway, but I always lose focus and get flustered when trying to change lanes and somebody cuts me off, and I didn't even notice until it was too late that everyone in my lane had suddenly slammed on their brakes to a halt. My reaction time simply wasn't fast enough and even though I had several car lengths between me and the Honda Civic before me, my damn van was simply too incapable of stopping in time after I had been accelerating for the goddam lane change. In the end, I really only nicked the woman's rear-bumper; hell, my own mini-van was barely grazed at all in the incident, as only the license plate was bent and that was about it. But of course, while I honestly wish we could've settled without the insurance companies knowing all this, the woman complained that her neck was bothering her and filed a report at the collision centre without telling me the very next day. I was surprised as anyone when I got the phone call from the police officer, asking me to come in to tell my side of the story. I would've been fine if she had simply given me a head's up, at least...

Health wise, I'm okay after this accident. My neck and back was bothering me for maybe a day but that was probably more from my regular bad posture than anything else. I already mentioned that my mini-van is absolutely untouched except for that license plate of a battle scar that I'll wear as a badge until the day it dies, but as for the Honda Civic that I hit? The only visible damage that I could see was a scratch or two on its bumper, though of course the woman complained that a grand of cash was needed in order to fix whatever damage had happened to her trunk. And like I said, she was feeling pain in the neck the morning after I rear-ended her on the highway, so of course I felt terrible about the situation and I wanted to help. I'm still pissed at her for not even messaging me before she went to the police about the whole damn thing though, especially now after she sent me another message admitting that her neck and back feel perfectly fine after her weekend getaway. I can't blame her for going through the official channels, but damn, my premium costs are going to shoot straight up...

The thing that was hurt most here was of course my pride. I should've watched where I was going, and I've known I have issues with focus and reaction times whenever I'm changing lanes ever since I started driving. What I haven't admitted though is that I was really frustrated and depressed that day, to be honest. The afternoon of the accident was the day the 5.0 earthquake hit here in Ontario, though of course that's not the reason I wasn't feeling well when merging onto the 401 highway. Besides a faulty stomach thanks to a shitty McDonald's soft drink I ordered that afternoon, I just was feeling so stressed out and so fucking upset about where my life was going and about all the meaningless crap that I've been going through over the past few months. I might as well list my thoughts here, considering I have nothing better to do on this Canada Day off. I just miss having a purpose to work towards, that's all.

First, there's the actual full time job I'm doing, which feels as pointless and menial as ever. I started my new position at the beginning of April if I remember correctly, and after three months at the office, I've got to say that it reminds me far too much of a cross between my first job at the government and my last career pit stop at that shitty ass dotcom firm. Once again, I've found myself in a company where work is done for the sake of work, where there is no clear career direction and where thanks to a stupid agreement I made with the recruiting firm, not only are they taking a percentage of my salary but also all my remaining money is being dumped into a corporate account that I've still been too lazy to even begin to touch. The actual job itself started off at a downtown office and at least I enjoyed the outside atmosphere while I was there. But ever since I have been shipped off to the client location in the suburbs, I've been just sitting there at my desk, counting away the hours as I'm once again left with no clear goal to work towards. I wasn't trained properly at all, there is no proper documentation or commenting of the code as expected, and of course now I'm being pressured and blamed for all the things I do wrong when it's obvious why I did them wrong in the first place. I don't understand anything right now and I don't think it's going to get any better, especially since nobody there ever seems to acknowledge that I'm still alive...

I wake up every day at 7 am, I'm forced to rush through breakfast to get into my car about half an hour later, and then I'm pretty much stuck in highway traffic all the way past 9 am, in which case my manager (through either daily e-mail or phone call check-ups) always manages to complain how I'm late. After that, if none of my team members are at the client office with me, at least I get the chance to relax and head out for lunch hour to stretch my legs. But when anybody else is there? Sure, I know I can just leave for a break whenever I want to, but the constant watching over my shoulder and the constant questioning about what I'm doing for the goddam day, prevents me from even leaving my desk to go out and eat something really. At least at my old job, I felt somewhat rested thanks to commutes on the GO Train instead of the car and thanks to having two hour lunch breaks where I could complain and gripe about the company to my fellow peers. But seriously, at this new job, I haven't met a single person yet who I feel I can talk to. Most of my team members are on multiple projects at different sites so I barely see them anyways, but even if I did, I just don't get the impression that they'll ever open up to me. I feel like a complete outsider at my company and maybe that was sort of what I was looking for when I quit my last job. I guess it just sucks when you get ignored, or ignored except for the finger pointing blame game every damn day, of course...

Like I mentioned, there is no career path or trajectory at this company. I've heard from others that barely anybody ever moves up to a managerial role, and it's not like I'm getting paid as much as I was at my last job either. I'm working on XML technology that, while applicable to many different industries at least, it certainly is boring and makes me feel like my skills are being wasted on nothing more than a glorified server maintenance job in the end. And every day I ask myself, is sitting there at that client office really going to help me find a better job elsewhere? Earning money is nice, true, but isn't there better uses of my time than to waste away my life every day, starting from 7:30 am in the morning all the way to 7 pm at night? It's even worse when my managers are there watching me, considering they like to stay late at the office. After they complain every morning about me getting to work late thanks to goddam traffic, of course I'm going to try to at least pretend like I care about my job by waiting until they leave before I pack up myself, which often results in me getting home after 8 pm. Then again, at least rush hour traffic is normally much improved by that point in time. It was trying to rush home at 6 pm in the evening that got me into my goddam car accident, afterall...

When asked how I manage to pull off both a full time job and full time university studies at the same time, I often simply reply that I don't. School was sadly kind of fun for me before I began my current job, as I was actually doing well on exams and assignments for the first time in my life. Maybe the course material was simply easier back then, as I was taking mostly second year courses before the April start of my daily damn work. Still, I was actually impressed and proud of myself for somehow pulling off decent marks when I had six goddam final exams at the end of the winter term while starting 9 to 5 pm work, all at the same damn time. That was a moment I honestly like to boast about, because I honestly didn't expect to maintain my marks yet I mostly somehow did. Sure, I dropped in Statistics to a B (God, I hated that course), but I actually maintained a B+ in most of my other classes and even increased some scores to an A after pulling a miracle (or the bell curve) in tough subjects like Managerial Accounting. It wasn't really a fair test of my skills though, considering I already knew a lot of the course material from studying for midterms and assignments prior to the finals. Sure, I can pat myself on the back for somehow still finding the time to study for six bloody hell final exams while stuck in a goddam, lowly day-job, but in all honesty, I don't know how well I actually would've done if I hadn't studied unemployed for the better part of the winter term...

I guess I know now though, thanks to taking four university subjects this goddam summer term. I had originally planned to take a full six load, but two of the bloody hell courses actually required in-class participation marks and the limited afternoon class scheduling prevented me from attending those lectures. But even with a reduced course-load, I've been struggling and frustrated with my studying beyond belief. I mean, it's bad enough hating your day-job that you get paid for, but to hate the schooling that you godddam pay thousands for at the same damn time? My four courses this term are Operations/Inventory Management, Introduction to Law, Canadian Income Taxes and more goddam Intermediate Accounting. I'm doing fine in the first two courses, I should score at least a B in both of those cases. But wow, I just had another Intermediate Accounting midterm last Sunday and got a mark of fifty-five bloody hell percent soon after. Granted, the class average was even two percent lower than mine so it shows how damn hard the professor is making his tests, but I'm honestly worried that I may not pass this course. And where can I find the time to rectify the situation and actually learn all the course material properly? I've already run into that problem with my final exam for that Canadian tax course. I headed into that final exam with barely a C+ in the course, and I didn't understand a damn thing that I ended up writing on that test paper. I've already embarrassed myself by taking the "Challenge Exam" for that tax course last term (a volunteer test that if passed with 60%, allows me to bypass the tax credit in my curriculum), only to be e-mailed by the prof later on for wasting his time with my score of 34%. He even cc'ed my current prof about how I might be a "problem" if I'm willing to waste the university's time like I did, which obviously leads me to believe that I won't be getting any sympathy or slack if I failed miserably on this income tax final exam. But really, what else can I do about it now?

It's absolutely no fun to force yourself through a job you're bored lifeless in from nine in the morning to six at night, but it's even worse trying to coerce yourself into studying for goddam constant projects and exams the moment you get home. I just want to relax after a long traffic of a commute back from the office, I just want to curl up on my bed and rest or watch some television and shut my brain off, is that too much to ask? But often I don't even have that luxury, simply because of the goddam choice I made to finish goddam Accounting at university. And the worst part of it all, besides the feeling that my mind is never truly at ease anymore, is the fact (like stated above) that I think my goddam full time work is really having a negative impact on my full time studies and vice versa. How can I suffer through my time at work if I know I'll just have to suffer through even more as soon as I get home? What is the point of making money when I'm just wasting it all on schooling that I'm now failing because I have no time or energy to study? How can I concentrate on training at my company if I use up all my strength on learning completely different topics for schooling? I have never felt comfortable working at my office since I got there, and now I'm also nervous that my marks will drop so low at university that I may not even pass this summer term. What will I do then if I fail? Completely quit school since there's no point in trying it again if I still don't have the time to study? Or should I concentrate on university and give myself an actual career path goal, but also give up on the only job I've found in this goddam recession?...

There's more I've been frustrated about in the past few months. I may have mentioned in my last updates that I was planning to go to Chicago for a weekend with my brother, his fiancee, and my sister. I did end up going on the May 24th weekend and it's not like I had a bad time or anything. It's just that, on return, I was sternly lectured for being basically who I am. I never thought my sister, my brother and his fiancee would all feel the same way, but apparently I kind of ruined the vacation for them all by simply being myself. I got lectured and criticized for how I act like a know-it-all, and that I annoyed them with my constant 'one-uppers' over everything they had to say. And in all honesty, while I know this is a personal trait and problem of mine, I didn't think I said much on this Chicago trip at all. In fact, the only time I did feel like I said something was when they were already criticizing me for how I start off my e-mails (with a "Hi-<comma>-<name>," instead of "Hi-<no comma>-<name>"), which apparently bothers them because it's "unprofessional" and "just sounds wrong". I had no damn idea that I was aggravating and annoying them that damn much over what was just a three day vacation. And while of course I've mostly gotten over what they told me, I still can't help but feel in the back of the mind that I really do suck as a person. It was only three fucking days with "normal" people, with goddam family members who have known me for my entire life, and yet they already couldn't stand me for basically acting exactly like I normally act. What the fuck am I supposed to do then? I didn't even fucking know I was doing anything wrong...

But maybe it was just bad timing when they told me all of this. Besides having a short temper thanks to all the pointless crap I've been enduring through at work and school, there is of course another reason why I'm always on edge (and it always happens to be the biggest reason for me of them all). When it comes to the girl that I fell for at work all those years ago, it's been over a year now since I last was able to speak with her, and I guess I really couldn't take it anymore. I've waited so long, hoping that she would return, and you'd think that all those months of silence would've been proof enough that I should just let her move on. I had made a promise that if I truly did love her, I'd let her go, but I guess I'm not really true to my word.

I contacted her again on her birthday with a short e-mail. It was the day after my birthday, another year gone by where she didn't remember who I was or why it was so easy for me to remember the day she was born. Still, even though I wasn't really expecting a response back from her, I chose to be as clear and frank in my writing as possible. I was sick and tired of always hiding things from her, I have always regretted not being honest and straight-forward with her with my thoughts. So I wrote to her with the clear intention of wishing her a Happy Birthday, I chose to remind her that mine had been just the day before, and I admitted to her it would be good if we could get back into contact because she's always been someone I've liked to talk to. I decided to myself that if she did respond, I would try to give us one last chance. I would tell her how I feel, if only so I would have no more regrets. I really didn't expect any message back, so I honestly was surprised when she returned a letter the very next day, though the message within was not very subtle. She seemed gracious and innocently happy enough to hear from me again, but of course she knew what my agenda was. In her first e-mail in well over a year, she made it very clear that she was very busy and happy with her life...

... and that she now has a boyfriend...

That pierced my heart a bit, it really did. I knew it was possible after all this time that she would find someone, but after she had spent so long in her life just being by herself (and rejecting guys like me), I figured there was still a chance she would be available. Maybe I shouldn't have talked to her again after her response, but I guess I had to know the truth about whether she was making this boyfriend thing all up in order to put me down gently. I was so sick and tired of never directly telling her how I felt, so I actually e-mailed her back and admitted exactly what my intentions were of contacting her again in the first place. I was still alone and single and I've never been able to forget about her after all those days gone by. I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I just needed to know if she ever had feelings for me because I still have feelings for her, and I needed to know if there was ever going to be a chance between the both of us. The funny thing was, after she received this e-mail of mine, I noticed her status message disappeared from my Gchat window, most likely because she blocked my account or something like that. I was furious at her for ignoring me instead of just writing me back that nothing would ever happen between the both of us and that I needed to move on with my life. Now sure, I didn't blame her for how she reacted, but I had hoped she was a better person than to just leave me hanging like that. A week later though, her status magically reappeared on my Google account and then a few days later, I finally received a response from her back. And in the end, she let me off gently as I had hoped she would do, she admitted that she knew I had feelings for her but she was very happy in her current relationship and that I needed to find someone else...

I exchanged a few more e-mails with her after that. I learned some strange new things about her life-style, like her propensity to belly-dance and of her friends convincing her to sing randomly on the streets in front of strangers. I guess it was nice to hear from her, especially during a time a little later in my life when I was feeling down from an actual murder that happened to someone I know (my brother-in-law's brother's mother-in-law, actually). The girl I fell for has always been a good distant friend to me, but I know she's never been someone that I could truly trust. We have a lot of interests in common, but I guess that will forever be the extent of our connection. And I also learned a bit about the man that finally won her heart, and I can't say I was surprised who it was. Years ago when I had invited her out to the movies, she had asked to bring along a third guy who I instantly knew in the back of my mind would be someone who was already in love with her. Turns out I was right in the end, as the guy who has been her friend since university and the same guy who treated me like an absolute asshole the only time I met him, finally won over the heart that he was pining over for God knows how many years. They've been best friends for a very long time, and the moment I saw how he looked at her, I knew that this guy was only hanging around because he was already in love with her. How am I supposed to compete with that? On some level, even though they never dated until this very year, I knew that the girl I had fallen for always had some sort of feelings for this asshole who made me his bitch. She always talked to him in the mornings on instant messengers, even during the days she ignored me because she was too tired to talk. She would always meet him for movies and dinner dates as friends, even when she had no time to meet with me for even a lunch. In a way, I'm happy that those two finally got together. It was a long time coming, and at least it confirms what I've always felt...

But really, where does that leave me? After a few e-mails back and forth, the girl I had fallen for (and who had now fallen for that other fucking asshole guy) suddenly stopped talking to me again and I haven't heard from her in about a month now. I sort of said good-bye to her right before leaving for my trip to Chicago, but I never suspected that she would seemingly never return my letter even after all this goddam time. I kind of feel bad about the whole situation now, where I admitted to her how I felt and even asked her to make sure with her boyfriend if it was alright for us to be friends, and then I never heard from her again. Am I disappointed? Yes, because regardless of my feelings for her, she is a pretty good friend to talk to, and in a way, I wish I could just accept a platonic relationship with her. The problem is, I can't, and she knows it as well as I do. She has her boyfriend now, she's busy with music and dancing lessons, she has a much more fulfilling and time-consuming full-time job than I ever will have, and she still has a family of eight or so people in her household to keep her happy and content for the remaining minutes she has to spare. After weeks had gone by without any other response from her, I contemplated whether to send her a message again. I wanted to, I really did, but I still do remember my promise that if I did truly love her, I'd let her go. Sure, I may feel like the guy she's dating is a complete asshole, but that's for her to decide, not I.

I never really had a chance with her, and even if I did, I squandered and ruined it all by being exactly the type of insecure man I've always been. I had found her personal blog quite a while ago, and I'll never forget what she wrote about me after I sent her that emo-mail two years ago. Her exact words were, "he's stupid and clingy and has a freakin' crush on me and I wish it would go away so I can have a decent conversation with him again". I know what I wrote to her two years was wrong in the sense that I was really, truly lonely that night and I was just praying that she would have some goddam sympathy on me or whatnot. Still, I will never forget what she meant about me, and it's times like last month when my brother was lecturing me about being so annoying and clingy and stupid on the Chicago trip, that I just can't help but feel like this is all my fault and that I'm actually a bad person at heart. I know I've never been a cool or awesome type of guy, the kind of person that people want to follow or simply be with to make themselves feel better. But at least I've always considered myself a good person at heart, somebody that tries to help and be there for others. How can I ever really consider myself to be a good guy when my own family can't stand three fucking days alone with me? How can I ever hope to be considered a good person at heart when the only girl I've ever fallen in love with can't even stand the sight of me when I ask for help?...

I know it's up to me in the end to improve as a human being, but I don't particularly like what others want me to become. If it's my family you want to ask, apparently I need to become more social and laid-back and basically find a sense of humour that they can relate to, even if I can't relate to it myself. And if it's the girl I fell for that you want an opinion of me from, I'm sure I need to become less clingy, less stupid, and probably much more of a goddam cocky asshole, which is exactly the kind of guy that she's dating now. He was strong and patient enough to have been in love with her ever since they first met in university, yet he still stuck around and I'm betting the girl I fell for at work probably was so naive that she never had any idea that he loved her and sacrificed all those years for her in the first place. He's a beer snob and a wannabe savant of a goddam smartass who, from what I know, callously corrects and arrogantly looks down on anyone he feels is less intelligent than himself. But I guess, that's just the type of guy that a woman like her wants. He seemed confident enough in both himself and his actions that he was able to treat me like a complete asshole without a single shred of remorse, and in return, how did my insecure, little self react and respond that night? I became silent, sheltered, passive and discouraged, because I actually could sense the connection that the two of them shared. I didn't fight for her back then, and I won't fight for her now, because what can I say? He deserves her, I honestly believe that. And unfortunately, I know that's not the personality she wants in a guy, but that's just the kind of person I am.

I don't want to be an asshole, but I'm sure she considers me one still. And I honestly can't believe my sister, my brother and his fiancee all felt the same way about me as well. I just want to be accepted for who I am, is that really too much to ask for? I know if I have flaws I should fix them, but I honestly didn't feel I did anything wrong on the goddam trip. But if all the people that I care most about tell me the same damn thing, then it has to be true, right? It sucks to hear that you're not a good person, but if that's the truth, then it needs to be said...

And that's what I've been up to for the past three months. I've been depressed by a day job that has no purpose and direction in life, and I've been disappointed in my schooling because I can't seem to succeed like I did when I wasn't working nine to five. I thought I could relax and simply spend good time with family on my Chicago trip, only to find that I ruined it for everyone else simply by acting innocently as myself, and now I'm afraid to go on any future vacation trips with them again. And the only clear goal and direction I had in my life was to finally win the heart and mind of the only woman I've ever loved, only to find that the same asshole who treated me like shit on the one night we met, already beat me to the punch and will probably be by her side for a very long time. If she's happy, then I'm happy for her. I just can't be around her with these feelings that I have, that's all. I guess I need to change...

All of this was running through my head when I got into that car accident. The daily commutes in traffic, my sister leaving for her new life in Asia, the murder that happened to her husband's brother's mother-in-law, and everything else I already listed above, it all is taking its toll on me and I've become even more frustrated and jaded with my life than I was before. It may have been fool's gold, but I had hope that I could finally be with the one that I fell in love with, if only I could prove to her and myself that I'm smart and capable and busy like she always wanted me to be. The girl I had fallen for, she was always the one telling me how she didn't have a minute to spare, and she always seemed to want a guy with confidence and goals in life. I was trying to find that with work and school, but it turns out the only goal I cared for was her. Now what do I have? Everything feels meaningless again, but whatever...

Because it all sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn't it?...

... I'm frustrated and tired and lonely, and I don't even have the energy to write about it anymore...

To be honest, I don't know how people can be happy being busy. I just don't know.