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IvanF's Windows9x Tweaks & Dweaks for Your UI! - Friday, December 31st, 2004 Y2kk Update: A funny thing happened to me the other week... One of my friends at university, after listening to one of my completely incoherent ravings and rants about nothing, commented that I should start and write myself an internet blog, or some sort of crap like that... ... and, well?... ... pfft... ... as if I would ever sink myself to the level, of actually writing a goddam web blog... ... pfft, indeed... ... ... well, I guess you had to be there... ... because that’s just old news and new news from here on in, now that 2004 is finally being swept away by the giant tsunami known only as 2005... which of course brings me to the biggest news story of the entire year, which only happened about one week ago... Yes, I feel horrible for the countries affected by the tsunamis that ravaged Sumatra... Hell, I even feel guilty about it, as a lot of my friends from university all hail from the countries of India, Indonesia... and with one close friend of mine in particular from Sri Lanka... ... the thing is, I’ve been trying to get in contact with these friends of mine. Most of them are on co-op positions right now, and I fear a lot of them went back to their home countries to visit family for the holidays (even if they don’t believe in Christmas). And so far, while I admit I haven’t written any e-mails or anything, I’ve been completely unable to get a hold of any of these Asian friends of mine, through either MSN Messenger or ICQ... and since I sadly lost their phone numbers once their co-op placements started, I guess I won’t know what happened to them and their families. Not until well into the New Year, at least... ... some New Year for mother earth, indeed... Yes, there have been much worse natural disasters in the past generation than the current East Asian crisis, scientifically speaking at least. But in my own lifetime at least, I have never seen anything like this, that caused so much humanitarian destruction on a continental scale... I mean, fucking hell, the death count is almost up to 150 000 people in those countries, with 80 000 of those alone coming from Indonesia (where the 9.0 earthquake hit the hardest). I can’t even begin to imagine what the survivors of the massacre are feeling... hell, I can barely even hold my lunch down when the news even shows all the dead, rotting bodies that they do on screen (since they actually seem to be showing all the corpses, unlike the 9/11 crisis, for God knows what reason...)... To be honest, I wish I cared more... my worst fear right now is that my small words of condolences will mean nothing to those friends of mine, with families who were affected by this monumental tragedy... I mean honestly, in the case that something did happen to people they cared for, what the hell can I possibly say to comfort them? I’ve never been good with words. And to be honest, considering most of them haven’t talked to me in months? I don’t think they’d even give a damn what someone like me has to say to supposedly cheer them up... I’m just afraid that since nobody that I cared about (family and direct friends, I mean) were directly affected by the earthquake or the ensuring tsunami, that my friends would just brush me off as someone who simply cannot understand the sheer magnitude of the situation at hand... But probably my worst fear, is that they’re right... ... but at least I wouldn’t be the only one, to be unjustly callous towards the destruction of so many cities and villages on the Sumatra coastlines... There’s one thing that I really can’t stand about my fellow Canadians at times, and I said it before on my goddam website... I just can’t stand how fucking anti-American we are at times, no matter the ire of the dire situation... ... Here we have a huge natural disaster, that wiped out more people in just a single hour than we can possibly even fathom... and yet whenever I hear people (or trendy people, at least) talking about the Asian crisis, they always manage to shift to geopolitical politics, and just how damn "evil" America was being, about the whole damn thing... By now, everyone on the net has seen the article about how "stingy" the US has been with economic aid. And to be honest, I completely agreed with the editorial’s comments, to some extent at least... But I knew one thing that none of my other fellow Canadians seemed to understand... America and pretty much every other country out there, purposely started out small with their aid numbers. And why?... because sadly, "aids" and "donations" to ravaged countries in need, always turn out to be races against every other country for PR bragging rights in the end... I mean seriously, every country started out small in their initial donations, not
because they’re cheap. But because they wanted to see what every other country was
going to donate first... So what if America only gave $15 million at the start? I knew
that the race would begin, that as soon as a place like Australia gave $40 million, then
like a Poker game, the US would match their bid and ante up... And then countries like
Canada and Spain, not to be outdone, would donate $40 million and $68 million
respectively, just to make sure that they look better than America... ... and just today, America upped their bet to $350 million... this new reasonable sum may be the result of a PR struggle between nations, but at least eventually it’ll lead to billions of dollars of aid to the countries that actually need it... Now, I wouldn’t mind criticism in Canada against the whole PR bidding thing. The damn thing is though, while countries like Australia and Spain get praised over here, every single fucking person who thinks they know shit about politics, keeps flaming on and on about America... First, they all complained that America was damn cheap, using billions of dollars on the war in Iraq rather than give it to countries that "need it". And then after America finally anted up, those same damn critics up here in Canada just lambasted the American states ever further, claiming that it was only public outcry from countries like Canada that made the corporately obese and greedy America give even a fraction of the money they should’ve forked over in the first place... Whether or not these critics I meet in my University of Toronto are right or not, doesn’t excuse the fact that they’re sadly using the deaths of almost 150,000 people, as yet another miserable excuse to ridicule America with all the goddam anti-American hate we have frozen in our stone cold little country of nobodies... ... and the sadder thing is, I’m so pissed off at all these fucking trendy loudmouths in my country, that I think I care more about them than I do about the countries actually affected by the disaster themselves... as terrible of a thing as that is to say... ... it’s just sad how the circle of hate goes around here up in the North, where we’re never hit by natural disasters like the one that hit the day after Christmas... Don’t get me wrong – I love my country of Canada, for all its freedoms and securities, and hell, even its damn taxes... it’s just that, I hate people who claim to follow politics, yet only spit out mindless, trendy, fucking iPod rhetoric when it comes to anything in the world, relating to anything actually... as they always find a way to somehow blame America... ... they’ve all lost faith in America, understandably so... ... but the thing is, when people stop believing in one thing, they’re prone to start believing in anything, but the one damn thing they stopped believing in the first place... hell, I’ve even heard whacked out conspiracy theories the past few days, that the US somehow triggered the tsunamis themselves to take flack off of their Iraqi crisis... ... now that’s just low if you ask me, but that’s Canada for ya... ... ... but then again, I think I complained enough about this shit back when the American presidential race was still hot between George Bush and John Kerry... Yup, if there’s anything that 2004 will be remembered for, besides the devastation of so many in Sumatra far away, it’s the election that the entire world cared more for than their own. Since everybody seems to care about America (although the Ukrainian democratic crisis came a close second, but that’s a story for another day...)... I’m not going to go into my own pathetic and misguided, political beliefs again. I think I embarrassed enough with my last Y2kk Update, thank you very much... But I will say one thing: the US presidential election was definitely fun, fun, fun for the whole family... both before the actual election day, and long after it as well... John Kerry was an idiot, with absolutely no personality, no charisma, and no damn real opinion on anything but "I was in Vietnam"... No wonder he was never voted in... George Bush was the same damn idiot he’s been for the past four years... but somehow, he pulled a true magic trick on us all, and convinced pretty much all of rural America, that same-sex marriages were the real enemy of the nation, and not the terrorists that killed 3000 people back in 2001... ... hell, you gotta give ol’ George credit for that one... well played... What I found so damn amusing about the whole presidential race though, was how damn bitter both sides were against each other, on the streets of urban America and especially Canada... Up here in the North at least, if I ever mentioned my slight favourable bias towards the Republican party, I would get trendy (though normally hot... and easy...) university girls fucking me up the ear in anger. Afterall, Bush was absolutely the most unpopular guy in Toronto, up until Gary Bettman and Goodenow thankfully took that world wrestling title away from ol’ Dubya... And just watching all the anti-American activists go to work up here in the North, was probably the most entertaining thing I got to watch all year long... ... because you know something is wrong with modern liberialism, when they claim to support "democracy"... yet cry foul that the US elections should be redone, just because "urban" America (the only US that counts, according to some...) voted Kerry in when the "dumb hicks" in the South all voted for Bush instead... Hey, I can’t say I disagree with that, to some extent. Afterall, I still will never understand how George Bush painted gay men and women as the true enemy of North America, making more than 50% of all Americans seemingly forget about the billions of dollars that Iraq was putting the country into debt with... But what I just can’t stand, is how even I (with all my spam filters on) managed to get about a half dozen e-mails from people, with pics outlining the average, dismal IQ of the rural areas that voted Bush back into power... ... hell, I haven’t even received one damn e-mail about the Asian crisis yet, and yet I somehow got six or seven e-mails from people I don’t even remember from high school, about the fucking IQ of red and blue states? What the fuck?!... ... oh well, AOL... even if I never liked Bush to begin with, it’s still going to be a kickass ride in 2005... ... just to wait and see how all the anti-Americans up here take to Bush getting a second term in office... ... yup, good times ahead... maybe not for the world, but for entertainment value?... well... ... if only the Asian crisis didn’t happen, maybe that last line of mine wouldn’t sound so cruel... ... And, well... it’s not like any part of the world noticed or not, but 2004 was also the year of the Canadian prime minister election... of course, nobody in Canada itself cared about the damn thing, and I think I already posted that on my website a long time ago, so... Anyhew, just to inform the two of you out there who do care about Canadian politics, Paul Martin and our Liberal Party of Canada (the equivalent of the American Democrats) got voted in as a minority government... I voted for the Liberals, since Harper of the Conservative Party of Canada was pretty much as exciting as a robot... or fuck, as bad as iRobot... Hell, I think he even fell asleep during one of his own damn speeches, but I digress... I hated our election though. I mean honestly, what the hell is the point of a minority government?... Because ever since that election of ours, the Canadian government has accomplished absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things, and simply embarrassed ourselves more and more... maybe not to the global community (who still seems to think of us as godsends compared to America, for some damn reason), but we at least are seriously shaking our heads at ourselves... Let’s see here... going back through the year of Canada 2004... Our immigration minister wouldn’t let a refugee into our country, even though he was going to be executed on the spot back in his own nation... We had a lovely sponsorship scandal, with a stripper from outside of the country, if you can believe that... We bought god-awful submarines for way too much money from the UK, that literally were being held together by fucking duct tape until the electrical systems blew and killed its own crew... Our Governor General (our representative of the Queen) wasted more money on fucking vacation trips that we’ve given out as aid during the Asian crisis... And oh yes, I almost forgot Paul Martin pulling a George Dubya Bush, spending his time on vacation in Paris while the rest of the world in the past week has been at least trying to pretend like they care about what happened to Sumatra... As the Toronto Star put it rather succinctly, Paul Martin’s New Year Resolution, is to simply have some resolve for damn once... Now don’t get me wrong – I do love our Canadian government... I mean, the subs and sponsorship scandals alone may have costed us hundreds of millions, maybe billions of dollars... But our Canadian government as a whole?... absolutely priceless... I still do like our Prime Minster though... He did a fine job as our Financial Minister a long time ago, and if it wasn’t for his waning on the Star Wars Missile Defence Issues, all the anti-American activists up here in Canada (meaning all of Toronto and Vancouver... the only cities that do count, if you ask me...) would still be in love with the man, for defying a nation when it came to Iraq... ... and for legalizing same sex marriages... ... yup, nobody in Canada cares about that... yet the rest of the world for some damn reason, is praising us with no end for our Charter of Equal Rights... ... and, well?... ... it’s great being Canadian... ... we do everything wrong, but... ... we never get blamed, and all because... ... simply put, short story short... ... as least we’re not America... ... Now, when I started planning to write this whole morbid Y2kk Update of mine (before Christmas, mind you), I expected it to be full of supposedly witty, lameass jokes that only a fool like me or Jon Stewart would ever choke over... But then the Asian crisis hit, and to be honest? Even if it is hypocritical of me, to care more about those countries than I do about all the African ones plagued by civil wars and diseases, it still doesn’t change the fact that I do care... if only because of all the dead bodies shown on television screens, and if only because I know so many friends from university, who came from those very areas devastated by the quake and tsunamis... Still, guilt aside, I must admit that sadly (and rather superficially), as a Canadian, there was really only one other thing in 2004 that I actually gave a damn about... ... the NHL fucking lockout... ... uggh... It’s just completely moronic, how damn stupid both sides of the hockey debate are still being... The NHLPA refuses to accept the fact that hockey is not a popular sport in anything but Canada and Scandinavian countries. They continually insist that the NHL team owners in America are lying through their teeth when it comes to finances, when anyone with half a brain can see that the teams have all been in the red for a very long time... And don’t the damn NHLPA players even realize how damn selfish they look in the public’s eyes? Sure, they may make not as much money as NBA players, or god-awful baseball players and crap like that. But don’t they realize how damn stupid it makes them look, demanding more money for the players, when the average NHL salary (for a sport barely anyone but Canada watches) is already above $2.2 million US?... And as for the NHL itself?... Well, it was obvious from the start that Gary Bettman was an idiot. A very short, growth stunted idiot... He’s slowly killing the NHL, by believing Americans would actually give a damn about the sport, even if and after it goes the full two damn years that the lockout is now expected to last... He wants replacement players who are willing to actually accept reasonable salaries under a salary cap. But if the US last year already didn’t care about the sport, despite all its marquee players, then why the hell would audiences fill the rafters for no-name nobodies? Hell, I might as well just pick up a stick and play... Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if the NHLPA won out, considering if the NHL does go bankrupt, at least all the good players from god-annoying Southern teams, like Florida and Dallas, will finally make their way back to the North... where maybe the goddam Toronto Maple Leafs could finally get a chance at winning the Stanley Cup... ... if there’s only six damn teams left in the league, at least... And while from a business standpoint, I agree with the salary cap idea of the NHL, I really hate the fact that it’s a "hard cap", considering the NBA (even with their "soft cap") pretty much prevents crappy teams like my Toronto Raptors, from ever landing decent enough free agents to actually become a good team in the league... I mean seriously, with just a $38 million salary cap per team as the NHL wants, what the hell are the Toronto Maple Leafs going to do? Pay just our goalie, and line the bench with fans, just to pay our one damn star player’s salary?... ... hell, I think we pay our Zamboni guys more money than $38 million a year... ... pfft... well, at least one thing’s for sure... ... even with the NHL lockout, the Toronto Maple Leafs still have the same damn chance of winning the Stanley Cup, as they do every damn year... ... sigh... some things never change... ... and, well... either way... ... fuck Gary Bettman... ... fuck Bob Goodenow... ... fuck them sideways, and fuck them right up the ass... ... I mean seriously, do they really want to make me cry?... ... hockey, please come back... ... I mean, without the NHL, the only damn things that guys get excited about, up here in the North... ... are rowdy, misplaced Detroit Red Wings fans, brawling with the NBA’s Indiana Pacers... ... and gay, same-sex marriages... ... somehow, no longer just of the lesbian type... ... And that pretty was much was 2004 in a nutshell... ... to be honest, without the terrible misfortunes of the nations surrounding the Indian Ocean, as cruel as this sounds to write, 2004 would’ve been quite the bore... ... or not... Ukraine did have a fun time with their completely undemocratic democracy... Israel and Palestine are once again going to war over Yassar Arafat’s death... Iraq has now experienced more US military deaths than any war since Vietnam, I think... or at least, since the last Gulf war... Greece went billions of dollars in debt over a summer Olympics that at least we Canadians didn’t give a damn about... France surrendered to terrorist demands... again... China nicely crushed democracy in both Hong Kong and Taiwan, while building lovely suburbs for themselves as Shanghai sinks into the swampy lands below... Korean stars now kick ass in Japan. Alexander absolutely got its bisexual ass kicked in America... Harry Potter, the Da Vinci Code, and Jon Stewart made every fucking literate girl impossible to stand... The fucking iPod and the god-awful Blackberry cleaned house up here in Canada, if not in sales, then at least in fucking trendy demand... ... the 2005 Ford Mustang is a sweet ass retro ride... and as a 22-year old male in a mid-life crisis, I definitely want... Spaceshipone possibly accomplished more for space-flight (as pathetically low as its "orbit" was), than America and NASA have done since the last damn Apollo moon landing... America missed the mark with its Missile Defence Shield... again... ... the Calgary Flames, the Detroit Pistons, and the Boston Red Sox all defied the laws of physics and logic, in actually providing entertaining finales to their respective sports for once... ... the Nintendo DS is absolutely massacring the "limited release" Sony PSP in Japan... very nice... ... and oh yes, the Canadian dollar completely skyrocketed against the rest of the world’s... ... and yet every damn electronic up here that I want, still costs a damn arm and a leg, at least compared to Japan and America... ... almost as high as fucking gas prices... ... go fucking figure... ... that’s 2004 for you... ... So before I sign off, let me once again send out my heartfelt condolences, to every single man, woman, and child who was affected by the Asian crisis that’s still vacating entire towns and cities to this very day... ... and to them, and to everyone else on the face of the planet I guess (not that anyone will ever read this Y2kk Update of mine, mind you...), I guess for 2004, I shall bid you all an IvanFian no-name adieu... ... with a very heartfelt God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone... ... and oh yes, a very merry, Happy New Year... ... for what I’m sure, will be a very interesting 2005... ... ... because, who knows?... ... maybe I’ll actually start up a blog?... ... |
Whine to the no-name whiner at: flamemycrowsoft@hotmail.com
- Well, since my cool little ivanf@flame.mycrowsoft.com e-mail address
only works every other day (just like a good copy of Windows95...), I'm switching you guys
over to my hotmail account. I only use my hotmail one for unimportant stuff like e-mails
from new friends, flames from not so new friends, and other insignificant stuff like
mandatory online lessons from my university... So go right on ahead, and flame away,
because as soon as I get enough piss-off letters, I'm opening my own flame IvanF section @
flame.mycrowsoft.com -
[ c. bored visitors who will never return...]
Monday, November 1st, 2004
Y2kk Update: Ah, good ol’ fashioned American politics and pie...
I mean, you know your country is a superpower... when everyone in the world seems to care more about your election than their own...
And it’s certainly true up here in Canada. I mean, just ask anyone about anything up here, and you’ll always get one firm answer back:
George Bush sucks.
Doesn’t matter what you asked. Doesn’t matter what the topic of the day is... That’s the answer you’ll always get back. Because that’s what the hip generation of Canada has been trained like otters to say...
It’s like the fad with iPods. Or just bloody hell how Japanese cars practically took over the world... It’s just that, once one person says something, everyone says the same damn thing... It’s like innate knowledge up here now. All of Canada, even those with no knowledge whatsoever of politics, now all seem to just somehow intuitively know...
George Bush sucks.
... because it’s true.
We Canadians have become damn racist of Americans...
... well, we always were in the first place... at least in my lifetime...
I mean, the prejudice up here is simply astounding. Just name anything even remotely relating to American politics, and then you’ll get an earful of a lecture, of just how imperialism and capitalism are the worst things the world has ever goddam seen... I get bitter mouthfuls from otherwise attractive chicks, giving me endless rants how Bush has made the world an absolute distopia to live in, how every single fault in the world can be all traced back to America... Hell, even my sister has fallen on the American-hating bandwagon. Especially my sister, considering she always follows the latest trends... She fell for the Atkins diet. She fell for Supersize Me. And she sure as hell has fallen onto the American hype of a hate train up here in Canada...
... hell, even the nicest people I’ve ever known on the face of the planet... and some of the friendliest girls I have ever met... all seem to share one collective conscious of a hive mind...
... one sure thought... one clear dogma... one sordid truth above all else...
George Bush sucks.
...
... which is precisely why it was just so much goddam fun the other night, to tell a girl I know... that if I was in America?
I’d vote George Bush...
...
It was utterly predictable the first thing she said back... just one dumbfounded, cliche of a question...
"WHY?"
... though that’s not the question I quite cared for...
Now, I still feel a little guilty over this, considering I kind of threw her into a endless while loop over what I retorted back, but still... it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s true... oh, it’s true...
If you tell anyone that thinks they’re hip and jiggy and in with it up here in Canada right now, that you’d vote John Kerry if you could, all you would get back are a bunch of "Hell Yeah’s!" and a chorus of cheers, resounding your name, as everyone dances naked on the burly bandwagon...
But I swear to you – no matter who you tell it to up here in Canada... as soon as you say that if you were given a chance, you’d vote George Bush?... there’s always one thing and one thing alone that everybody would ask back to you...
"WHY?"
...
... heh... Does it really matter why?
I mean, let’s face it. Everyone who thinks they know anything, all somehow know that George Bush is a complete dimwit of an idiot... And while I’ll mostly attribute that to so many news outlets and the internet, printing up every dumbass pretzel choking thing he does in his tabloid of a sensationalized life, the fact of the matter still remains...
George Bush is a complete, dimwit of a moron.
No doot aboot it.
But I’d still vote for him, goddammit...
... and of course, people up here in racist Canada, will only answer my answer with yet another original, aboriginal question of their own...
"WHY?"...
...
Let’s get the facts straight here. We all know George Bush has made his fair share of geopolitical bunglings, and you don’t have to be some elitist, existentialist, bullshit artsy at the University of Toronto to figure that one out.
I mean, where should we start?...
On the warfront, wasn’t it Bush that told the Iraqi insurgents to "Bring it on!", only to regret the loss of over a thousand American troops as of the November 2nd election? Wasn’t it Bush who claimed that the war in Iraq was not over oil, and then shot himself in the mouth with a bunch of rich ass speeches to businessman, completely contradicting what he earlier said (even if it was all in zest... afterall, newspapers don’t capture sarcasm very well...)?... Wasn’t it Bush who said there were weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, only to admit a year later that his intelligence was based on the word of a few Iraqi despots desperate to get rid of Saddam?... And wasn’t it Bush who said he would do everything in his power to capture Osama Bin Laden, only to completely ignore all intelligence on Al Qaeda by the Pakistan/Afghan border, and end up putting the US yet another trillion dollars in debt over some pointless and completely spontaneous war in Iraq?...
Wasn’t it Bush that said and did all these things, only to slap his Texan forehead a year later in stupidity?...
He couldn’t save the economy. He couldn’t save Iraq... Unemployment is at its highest in decades in America. There’s still no real sign to the end of the dotcom crash crisis... He can’t even pronounce grade school words properly. And he really, really ridiculously did paint himself a complete idiot, as he was staring like a deer caught in the headlights on September 9/11...
... yeah... you gotta love Bush...
... he really fucked up...
... and that’s why I would vote for him...
...
I mean, to paraphrase the makers of South Park (and Team America)...
... ahem...
‘If you walk out of Fahrenheit 9/11, with a completely changed opinion over who to vote for in the election...
... then...
... you’re stupid and shouldn’t be voting anyway...’
...
Ah, Confucius says that the South Park creators are geniuses...
George Bush obviously is not...
But let’s get some more facts straight here as well...
Was George Bush a complete idiot during his first two debates against Kerry? Without a shadow of a doubt, I think his forty second pauses in between words were a dead giveaway... But I honestly can’t believe that people are still complaining up here in the North, that Bush was wearing a wire or some crap like that... I mean, people complain that he’s cheating, yet complain that he was an utter dunce in his debate? I mean honestly, WTF?... If Bush actually was wearing a wire during the debate, then he should just fire and shoot everyone he had working for him in the fucking back... There is absolutely no way he could be that damn dumb on national television with a full think tank of geniuses both in his ear and up his ass. And if he was?...
... then God help America...
Was George Bush an idiot, for thinking American troops could be anything more than just sitting ducks and cannon fodder in Iraq as Al Qaeda bombs them to hell with hundreds of new suicidal recruits? Obviously... The war in Iraq perhaps never should’ve happened... especially after the UN turned it down (though that’s worth an French oil debate in its own right, but I digress...)...
But why is everyone suddenly forgetting about Afghanistan? Didn’t they just have their first democratic election, which actually went off without so much of a hiccup from the insurgents all across the big blinking board?... Sure, not everything is peachy over there in the Middle East right now, but Afghanistan today sure as hell seems a hell of a lot better than it was under the wrath of opium warlords everywhere... Are the warlords gone? Of course not. But people there have far more freedom than they’ve ever had in decades. And they showed up in droves for the election for a reason (some people multiple times...), if that proves my point at all...
Could the invasion of Afghanistan have been for oil? Maybe so, especially with all the pipeline conspiracy theories out there, but why the hell should that matter?... Afghanistan today actually has the hope of becoming a better country, where the people could at least share the freedoms that Turkey and Malaysia seem to have... Shouldn’t that count for something? Shouldn’t that count for anything? And yet as soon as I ever bring that topic up with people, they either complain about oil robber-baron conspiracies, or they simply shift the attention back to Iraq...
And as for Iraq... Did Bush lie about weapons of mass destruction? Probably... considering the only weapon of mass destruction found in the country, was his own damn personal army...
He may not have had "real" proof of WMDs in the country... as evidenced by those god-awful pictures of blurry trucks of nothing before the invasion... But has the world completely forgotten, that Iraq DID HAVE weapons of mass destruction? At least a couple of years before the war?... Wasn’t it only around 2000, that UN inspectors found tons of anthrax hidden away in warehouses, only to be banned from the country by Saddam until they forgot all about their discovery?...
And goddammit, WE ALL KNEW that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction! And how did we know that?...
BECAUSE AMERICA FUCKING SOLD IT TO THEM! That’s why!
Ask any environmentalist freak up here in Canada... and they’ll blame America for selling WMDs to Saddam in the 90’s, and yet completely contradict themselves by saying Saddam was peaceful and WMD-free by 2004...
I mean honestly... seriously?... WTF?!
Is every fucking Bush hater completely naive or what?...
The question is NOT whether Iraq HAD weapons of mass destruction or not... The question is, what the fuck happened to the ones we fucking sold them?...
...
I gladly admit that George Bush is probably the stupidest man alive today...
... and yet I’d still vote for him. In this American election anyhew...
... so the question still remains, since nobody can ever get a fucking clue...
"WHY?"...
...
Just take a look at the competition I say.
Senator John Kennedy...
... and while it’s tempting to get him into office, if only to see what the first Catholic candidate since John F. Kennedy could accomplish in power... the thing is, Kerry is pretty much as lameass as they come...
... because to paraphrase Canadian Air Farce...
... ahem...
<John Kerry/>
"I have been blamed for not having a backbone!
But I am here to say, once and for all,
I do not change my opinion on things!
... well, maybe I do...
... well, it depends on which day of the week...
No, I have convictions! I have a vision!
... well, sometimes... sort of...
... should I?...
... I was in Vietnam...
I will balance the budget, in two years!
No, three!
... well, maybe four..
... sometimes five...
... no, six at the most...
I believe in our American soldiers! I believe in our commitment to Iraq!
... well, maybe I do...
... if you want me to...
... depends how they do...
And oh, did I mention I was in Vietnam?...
..."
</John Kerry>
Let’s face it. John Kerry is all talk and no action. He simply tells the American public (or the Bush hating half of it at least...) exactly what they want to hear, no matter what he actually believes...
I may like hypocrites. But not those who make it so damn obvious of who and what they are...
Take Vietnam for example... Why the hell would he claim he was proud of fighting in the war, when he came back after four months, only to protest his government and claim that the war was pointless and futile in the first place?... And suddenly, he’s now trying to paint himself a proud war vet all over again? Pick a fucking side, you pussy...
What about his take on the Israeli wall? One day, he claims it’s an impediment to world peace, and the next, he was quoted as saying it was necessary to stop Palestinian suicide bombers?... And honestly, WTF is up with his opinion on Yasser Arafat? One week, he was quoted as saying he was a great man, and the next he sounded like he hated his guts for what the people of his country were doing to next year in Jerusalem...
I mean honestly, WTF is John Kerry thinking?...
... well, at least he didn’t claim he invented the internet...
... no wait, he did... well, sort of... no, maybe...
... well, depends on which day of the week it is...
... and oh, did I mention he was in Vietnam?...
...
John Kerry is a rich bastard who’s trying to suck up to all the damn artsies in North America, who try their very best to reject their own wealth for the idealist, communist good of the nation... Now, George Bush may be a rich asshole too, but he never really tries to hide it... Meanwhile, John Kerry goes from coast to coast, hugging babies and jet skiing at the very same time... Sure, that’s what an election is all about. But why the hell do we Canadians flame Bush over his wealthy antics, yet seem to give Kerry the free green light of an American green card?...
Let’s face it – even if we Canadians all knew "Dubya" Bush was a moron when he was first elected, we didn’t really hate him... It was only a year after 9/11 that we got so sick of playing nice to the Americans, that all the artsies let loose with their propaganda against the newly formed Patriot Act... And suddenly, even to people who don’t care about politics in our own country, every single fucking Canadian who thought they know shit, suddenly realized that the Democrats are God and that the Republicans are horrendously playing God...
... not that they’re wrong, but...
But how the hell could we have forgotten all the past mistakes the Democrats have done as well?...
Bill Clinton right now is riding a wave of fame over his new book, along with the nostalgia over the economy during his early years... But did we completely forget just how much of a complete, bungling asshole he was in power?... He slept with interns, he bombed the hell out of Iraq just for fun, he let the Cole get destroyed, he fucked up the world economy, and he did it all while playing golf and wearing the most smug of smiles! And yet Canada suddenly loves this guy after an autograph round at Ingido books?!...
... honestly, WHAT THE FUCK?!...
Let’s face facts here: deep down inside, we DO NOT really hate Bush up here in Canada...
We hate America.
We always have been jealous, and we always will be jealous.
No matter who is president, no matter who is in power, we hate them... No matter what America does, whether run away from Somalia, or start a new Gulf War, we hate America... No matter whether we need them to protect us from Al Qaeda, or help our damn economy with buying all our exports, we fucking hate America. Always have, always will... and having John Kerry in power will not change that...
... a change in government, will not change a fucking thing...
... rinse, cycle, and repeat...
... and now finally, we’re getting to the real reason why I’d still vote for Bush...
...
... wait for it...
... ahem...
...
There’s always been one thing and one thing alone that I’ve always hated about the human race since day fucking one... or at least, society as we North Americans know it today...
Because seriously...
WHAT THE FUCK is up with our fucking obsession with change?!...
Ask anyone who thinks they’re hip and in with the new crap in society, and they’ll always give you the same bullshit answer...
That change is good. That change makes the world work. That change is what everyone and everything should be about... That change in the workplace is ideal. That change in business competition is for the best. That change in your clothing, in your hairstyle, in your resume, in your manner, and speech, and slurs, and sex, is all just somehow fucking progress...
That change, period... is progress...
... that change, period... is good...
I mean honestly, how fucking short are our memories anyhew?...
The people up here in Canada, who think they’re more than people, just want change for the sake of change... We do it with our own fucking governments. After four years of one party completely screwing up, simply because it takes four years to change all the shit the last government put into power, then we just change the government again... elect a new government for four years, to completely negate all the changes that the last party was trying to implement in their four years... Then we hate the new party for making no progress, elect a new one to fuck the books up even more, and the cycle continues...
... on and on and on, the endless cycle always continues...
... and no-one ever notices...
... that maybe democracy is pretty fucking stupid at times...
... or at least, the people are...
...
People are motivated by hate. And spite. And trends. We all know that...
People always seem to fail to see the big picture...
To them I ask, exactly WHY is change good?...
By getting Kerry into power, do people just magically believe that the past two years of hell in Iraq could suddenly be wiped out? That no more soldiers will die? That just getting out of Iraq will suddenly make Al Qaeda and all the terrorist groups out there play nice with America? That Kerry would even leave Iraq in the first place?...
Hell, thousands of people in the Middle East were cheering on 9/11 for a reason...
People hate America, period...
Hell, even we Canadians hate America, period... a new president ain’t going to change a damn thing...
The thing is, of course Bush is a moron. But why the hell do we only care about Bush? Sure, he’s the commander-in-chief and everything. But why not think about his party?... Sure, they have their own fair share of morons. But the party as a whole is not that damn dumb...
Yes, America invaded Iraq. Hundreds of thousands of lives were potentially lost. I get that. But that already fucking happened...
And while it would be nice to punish the government in power that caused all this to happen in the first place... the fact of the matter is... That’s just hate talking. That ain’t a solution.
Do people ever care for solutions?...
...
Unlike Kerry, Bush actually has a plan for Iraq...
Is it a good plan? Will it work?... Who really knows, right?...
But he does have a plan. Kerry just keeps saying he’ll half ass make one up one day...
... or not... or maybe... or sometime in the next ten years, perhaps?...
We Canadians are so damn blinded by our American racist hate, that we ignore the fact that a change in American government, will cause God knows what else to happen to the people in Afghanistan and Iraq... These countries don’t really have infrastructures yet. They’re only surviving right now on the goodwill of the United States of America... and who fucking knows what will happen if Kerry gets into power, right?
We as a democratic nation demand stability in these countries.
Yet we demand instantaneous change and progress as well.
Change is good, right? Change is progress, isn’t it?...
But how the fuck is stability ever going to form, if the government keeps changing its 10 year plan, every four fucking years?...
... answer that one for me, artsy bitch...
...
Now THAT is precisely why I’d vote Bush if I could on November 2nd, 2004.
Because in all honesty?
I hate change.
I’m a fucking racist against change.
And change is absolutely the last thing countries on the brink of destruction need right now...
Now, in his potential second term, if Bush chooses to ignore Afghanistan and Iraq in order to go fuck the asses of Iran and God knows what other countries, then of course I’ll bite my own words, and bite my own cock maybe as well...
But right now, all that’s sure, is that if the Bush government continues, the plan that his party has going right now (for Iraq and Afghanistan) will continue... And even if it’s an imperfect plan... Hell, even if it’s a fucking mess of a plan... The fact is, it’s already underway. The fact is, the plan is already in motion... And the fact is, if the plans are changed in the country of Iraq, before they even get a chance to work, then who the fuck knows what the fuck is going to happen to the millions and millions of people who suddenly find themselves with no government?...
Sure, I can see the obvious contradictions in my opinion... I know Bush fucked up and fucked up bad. And yet I’m rewarding him for it, by saying he deserves a second term in office, just for the chance to fix up the world that he fucked up?... And sure, this may go against most common sense beliefs (aka Canadian racism against Americans...)... But the fact of the matter is, we have no damn assurances whether Kerry can fix a damn thing or not. He hasn’t shown a single iota of conviction in all his years as Senator... Doesn’t matter who’s in power. People will die in Iraq anyways. Terrorism will rampage across the globe no matter what, just like it always has, long before Bush ever showed up...
Bush may be the greatest idiot to ever disgrace the Oval Office. But at least we know where he stands. At least with him, you know how the next four years will go... There will be sweat and bloodshed, but at least there will also be a direction... and at least with him?... heh... well, at least we Canadians can keep laughing at you poor sons of bitches down to the south...
Sometimes it’s better to stick with the devil you know than the devil you don’t know....
And if that devil you do know, starts fucking the rest of the entire world up the ass?...
... well then...
... maybe they can make it look like a pretzel attack or something...
... Now watch this drive...
...
... in the meantime though, I’ll just go on harassing hot university, arts and science chicks with the simple and very annoying question... simply out of spite and Jedi revenge...
"WHY?"...
...
... ah... good ol’ fashioned American politics and pie...
... sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn’t it?
... because seriously...
... this is why I've never had a girlfriend...
... I’ve honestly got nothing better to do with my day...
...
... so to all Americans, I tip top my Canadian beer hat of hate to you... no doot about it, eh... and simply sound off a small semblance of a timbit goodwill to every single American out there...
... a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone...
... and please... God help America...
...
Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
Y2kk Update: I’ve been embarrassed...
... hiding in shame, actually...
I’ve been around... my friends haven’t...
... that’s what I’m really shamed about. I never really left...
What has it been now? Four months? Four bloody months... and I’m still really the only one leftover, cocooned, imprisoned and forgotten in his own goddam house?
Who am I really kidding? I keep rationalizing things to myself... but the truth of the matter is...
This just plain sucks...
I’ve probably complained about it all before. That most of my university friends all got jobs? And I was the one who didn’t even get a single goddam interview, all thanks to the fact that I’m a goddam loser at my university...
Honestly, which company really wants some little shrub of a Chinese man, who barely manages to pass his engineering terms with 60% averages... when there’s a huge fucking boatload of Chinese immigrants fresh off the boat, all still thinking that anything less than a 99% in university is just a goddam failure?...
So many of my friends got seemingly great jobs at companies I can’t even remember anymore... Is the pay great? Not exactly. Not even RIM was offering much, considering they were just hiring my friends to be co-op sex slaves... well, without the sex part of it all... or at least, I hope without the sex part...
... the job description just talked about hand jobs, that’s all...
That doesn’t make me feel any better about it though. Life’s still a bitch for me, knowing that I was left behind... knowing what I left behind... And I know that if anyone ever did read my website, they’d just roll their eyes at how many times I just whine and whine and whine some more, about how my life is crap and nobody else’s is...
Well, the fact is, I know my life isn’t really crap... especially compared to most of the other people on the planet, the way they tell their life stories at least... But it certainly doesn’t help that my own goddam family keeps reminding me left and right, about what kind of failure I am...
... when you keep getting reminders, you sort of start believing the tales...
They do try to be polite about it though... Just the other week, my sister sent me an e-mail, telling me to apply to a company called CIM, to be some sort of Microsoft Software salesman at my university or something. And the job sounded alright I guess, but I just freeze up whenever goddam presentations and spontaneous events are involved... That’s just not my thing. That’s hers. And I hope to God, I am not her... And it certainly didn’t help that I’d have to do this CIM job during the goddam school year... so I simply sent her back a polite, "thanks, but no thanks" sort of deal. And I was hoping that’d be it...
... not with her, of course... She cares so much about me, that she just loves to talk behind my back and all... It just gives her so much self esteem of course, thinking that she’s being a good Samaritan by helping me out and all... especially when I turn it down...
And so the lecturing began... My parents learned of the job offer from my sister. And since she was probably vague on the details, my parents simply heard the word "Microsoft" and assumed I had turned down a goddam programming job of the highest caliber... You know, the type of which I would’ve begged to just have gotten an interview for this summer, just to feel equal to my friends...
So what did my parents do? Well, my mom gave me that "I’m not angry, just disappointed" sort of talk. She then gave me a whole rant about work ethics, how I should be able to work 40 hours a week with school on the side, and still manage that 4.0 GPA that I can only wish I somehow could get in fourth year of engineering... And oh, then my dad just had to cut in. I think I had to listen to him for an entire hour, lecturing me about his first job experience, back in the day, uphill and downhill both ways while shoveling the snow... Even when I tried to argue back, claiming that I didn’t want to bother with a goddam salesman job (since it doesn’t even count towards my required engineering experience component), he just kept on yapping and yapping and yammering on, how I was an idiot for not accepting a programming job from Microsoft... for over an hour, I had to hear him berate and grate my brains across the floor, that I must have no class, no drive and no ambition whatsoever, to not go for a top level Microsoft job like this one, all because it was during the school year...
... he has a thing against people who are lazy... Yay, capitalism...
... and of course, he wouldn’t listen to me about what the job was really about... and the next day when my sister came visiting, I had to hear a speech from her too... although at least she actually knew what the real job was about... and in my goddam frustration, I just gave up on the whole debate, and agreed to just sign up with the bastards...
I called CIM a couple days later, asking questions and not caring about the answers... Mostly, I just got generic website replies anyhew. So I just went to their online site, applied my ass away, and never looked back... I probably wouldn’t even accept a job offering if they called me up one day during the school year. I just applied to get my parents off my back, since they still seem to think that this salesman pitch sort of job was a top of the line, Microsoft programming ticket to their goddam Redmond headquarters...
... I’d love to go to Redmond... Nintendo being there and all... but that dream ain’t flying anywhere fast...
The thing is, I understood my sister’s point: how can I honestly expect to get a job I want, when I won’t even take the first steps to get the jobs I need for my resume?... I understand all that. As much as it pains me to say that, I even agree with her point... But do I really need to take goddam jobs during my penultimate year of university, just because she’s so goddam "concerned" about my future? Do I really need to listen to hour long rants from my parents, about how lazy I’ve been all summer, when really I already knew that when I was left behind by all my friends? Do I really need so many damn speeches, that my four months of nothingness have been all my fault, when that’s all I really complain about on my goddam websites?...
I get it already. I’m an unemployed bum, who probably won’t even manage to make it through my final year of goddam U of T computer engineering... I just don’t need to be reminded of it, every single damn time my sister feels an itch to scratch, that’s all...
... besides... I’m sort of having a fork in the road dilemma over here...
The thing is, my goal in life right now is to just somehow fucking graduate from University of Toronto engineering, and just get a decent programming job for a couple of years... But that’s not what I really want to do in life. And to be honest? I’d really love to learn what the hell to do with my life... I’d love to stay in school, taking up history this time or maybe going for a cheap ass MBA. Just to say I have an MBA at least, and get my fellow arts and science coworkers in the office to show me how to use those damn FedEx websites...
But after those two years of programming jobs... after maybe even getting a two year business degree or something?... then what?...
... even if it’s not really what I want to do in life, it is pretty much what I want to want in life...
... I may hate the family business... but I love my family... and if nobody else in this family is willing to take over the apartments and townhouses we own, simply because they’re too busy with the social status of the corporate life?...
I’m the first born son in a Chinese family. I’d never be able to forgive myself, if I ever let the family business go...
That’s what my father has really been lecturing me about... for the past twenty years of my life, I think...
He’s always wanted me to be an engineer (although he much would’ve preferred electrical over the computer I chose...). And, well... he's also always wanted me to be a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, a priest, and a rabbi too I think... but that's besides the point...
But I’ve always known, pretty much as soon as I was born, that all my father really cared about, was that I appreciated him for all that he was worth... and I do... but to prove that, as the first born son, I know what I have to do... Even if I hate the family business itself, it’s my role in life to take the reigns of the company. Otherwise my parents would have to sell... sell everything they’ve built with their own sweat and blood and tears over twenty bloody years... And I could never let them do that... not with a clean conscience, at least...
... and especially not with the company being so damn profitable...
But money has never been my concern, believe it or not. I rather concern myself with happiness... with contentment... with tranquillity and goddam personal peace...
I may get some reprieve, by taking over the family business like my parents have always dreamed that I would... like my father has been lecturing me about all summer long, whether he realized it or not...
... but I also know, that being the landlord of a goddam high rise apartment, will make me a complete and utter bitch after a while... Landlords are evil. I know that, because I sort of am one... Because if I had to deal with the shit that my parents deal with, each and every day of the fucking week? I know that I’d lose my humanity as well. I know I’d lose my faith, in whatever kind of hope I had for the goddam human spirit in the first place...
... when it comes to money... when it comes to business... people have to be cruel, to get what they need...
I’ve been going to work for my parents every single week during my four month hiatus from school... I’ve painted a ton of units. I’ve repaired a lot of walls... I’ve cleaned out a hell of a lot of leftover furniture. I’ve washed a hell of a lot of fucked up carpets... and I even, umm... watched at least, while my brother was replacing an entire washroom in a unit... But none of this manual labour shit ever really phased me. Hell, I even enjoyed it, simply because I got to spend some quality time with my brother for once...
... plus the fumes... fumes are cool, bro...
... but in the end though... it was the people that I remembered most... the goddam tenants... because I knew that even if I didn’t have to deal with them now, I knew I would have to some day... and if I don’t get an engineering job right out of university, that some day will be pretty damn soon...
There was this girl, a rather pretty woman who was living in a townhouse, next to the unit I was hard-wooding at the time (umm... if that sounds good...)... When I stepped outside into the townhouse hallway for a break, she just immediately came to me, begging me to talk to my parents for her...
... it’s become obvious to all the tenants now, that I was going to be one taking over the family business. Why else would I always be there?... besides the fact I had absolutely nothing better to do, of course...
I took one good look at this woman, and realizing she was preying on my fetish for girlie pajamas, I could see she really was a woman... a real woman at one time at least, a long long time ago... She looked like she had been a queen in high school or something. Hell, she had the kind of look to her, that just screamed out that she could’ve been an absolute cutie in freshman year of university... until something happened to her, of course... and now her hair was all ruined... now she looked worn out, used, and maybe miserable with her life, no matter how popular she might’ve been at one time... And now? Now she was living in a dump. My dump... my townhouses...
I hate to say this, but yes, the townhouses I own are pretty much a dump... For bad prices, you get to live in a terrible part of Toronto. And unless we completely get rid of our tenants, there’s really not much we can do about that... Every time we fix up a fridge, replace the windows, or sand the floors, the new tenants just tear it all up... I’ve literally had to squeeze out dog manure (or at least, I hope it was dog...) from basement carpets that were no more than a month old, more times than even I would like to tell... and I certainly ain’t proud of the fact that tenants leave whatever broken furniture they have left, for me to clean the hell up, whenever they feel like running away without paying their last months of rent...
Well, this pretty woman that was talking to me? I got the distinct impression she was getting ready to run.... Like I said, I knew she was a queen in high school or something. And then something happened... that something happened... I saw in her townhouse, a four or something year old daughter. But no man. No husband... She was a single mom. Yet another product of this day and age of chivalry gone wrong...
And this mother... this worn out, used, and broken down mother... She was begging me to convince my parents to give her just one more week to get the rent. I could really hear the desperation in her voice... She was really ready to run away from the place, because she really didn’t have the money. She didn’t know what to do. I don’t think she’d ever have the money... and I knew I really couldn’t talk to my parents about her. How the hell could I ever hope to defend a woman, who probably was ready to run away from out townhouses, having owed us thousands of dollars of months of rent?...
... and I was right... I talked to my parents afterwards, and it turned out she owed us pretty much two thousand dollars at that point... She hadn’t paid the rent in three months now. My mother was about to try to take her to court... until she ran, at least...
... this woman... this goddess from a time long ago... she tried to play me... and that’s the thing, isn’t it?...
This is the kind of shit I’ll have to deal with as a landlord. This is the kind of crap, that is going to turn me into the bastard that I know I am inside... I mean, what else could anyone have done in this situation? As a human being, I’d love to sympathize with the woman. I mean, she was single fucking mom, for Christ’s sakes. She had a four year old daughter, who needed a home and shelter and food... Childhood is the most precious thing in this entire goddam world. And as a landlord, I would’ve had to take this woman to court... if she hadn’t run away into the cold of the void of the goddam despair of the night, at least...
As a human being, I would’ve loved to play the hero and saved the damsel in distress... But that’s why people absolutely hate people in charge. That’s why I fucking hate people in charge... and I’ll have to be one of these people, one of these days... the people in charge, to take over the goddam family business... And as a landlord, I will have absolutely no choice but to bring these kinds of people to trial... If I ever willingly allowed a person to live in a townhouse with three fucking months free of charge, I would get complaints from almost every single other tenant. I’d probably get fucking sued if I didn’t give the same deal to everyone else... I simply cannot play favourites when it’s my own ass on the line... when it’s the company’s life on the line...
And you see?... a lack of humanity... equals a fine line of leadership... goddam, fucking worthless leadership...
... and a hell of a lot of cash in the end, I’d wager...
But how the hell am I going to pull this off?... I absolutely hate being the cruel bastard. Just the other day, I accidentally scratched up someone’s car. And because I didn’t leave a note and offer to pay for all the damages, I’m still hitting my fist through walls in guilt... I can barely live with myself, over such a small, fucking, trinket of a thing in everyday life. So how the fuck am I supposed to deal with the fine fucking line, between ethics, fairness and goddam capitalism?...
... yay, capitalism...
And yet how would I feel, how would my father feel, if I didn’t take over the family business?...
...
I admit it... at times, I do like being in charge... My parents hired some help the other month for me. I got to boss around some guy my age, when it came to ripping up carpets and heaving heavy furniture leftover in tenant basements... And this guy, he treated me with respect... It was kind of funny - I could tell he was pretty damn racist against Chinese (or anti-racist, maybe...), the way he would talk about my people and everything. I mean, he was always so damn careful with whatever he said, absolutely making sure he didn’t offend my feelings, that I almost laughed at how subservient he was being... I mean honestly! I’m a 110 lb. computer geek! And he was about double my fucking size... Since when has anyone sucked up to me, ever?...
... yeah... I enjoyed being the boss for one day... but what about the days I have to fire someone? Or what about the days I have to evict a tenant for fraud? Or one of those days, when I even just have to ask the tenants for the money they owe me, fully knowing that a single mom or a broken down child could be the one to pay? How could I ever do all these things to another living being, just for the fucking money?... just out of the fucking principle?...
How the hell can I ever be a landlord, when I’m a fucking wimp of a pansy... who writes like a lame ass poet on the goddam internet?...
... and yet, this is my dream...
... dare to dream, I always say...
... not to be a landlord... but to be the son my father wants...
Western society may call me misguided or some crap like that, claiming that I should follow my own dreams and not those of my parents... to be an engineer. To be a doctor. To be a lawyer. To be an accountant... or a fucking priest and rabbi, I don’t know... All I know, is that dreams can be funny things at times...
I don’t want a job that will change me into a monster. But I do know, that I will already feel like a monster, if I don’t take my father’s job...
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t... and I’ll regret whatever decision I’ll make in the future, I’m sure...
... sounds like so much goddam fun, now doesn’t it?...
... it is... after being lectured about it for four fucking months in a row...
...
... but I don’t need to make my decision just quite yet. Like I said before, I gotta finish out my university career, and get my fucking iron ring from the goddam University of Toronto... and in order to do that? I have to test the waters of the engineering job market anyways... I need a couple years experience, and figure out where I stand...
And to be honest? Probably my brightest dream right now, is to simply hire a small company to manage my parents’ properties for me... while I sit in a goddam cubicle, reading Dilbert comics as I administer some no-name company’s network or some laid back shit like that... That’d be a win-win situation, wouldn’t it? I’d only have to deal with the evilness of a property management company, and I can still feel like a goddam equal to my friends by having a real day job for once... and I’d still get to be lazy. That’s always a goddam plus, even if I have to wake up early in the goddam morning...
... the only problem, would be the goddam profit margins... and my money loving mom would disown me for that... but since when have I really cared about money?...
... then again... since when have I ever needed to afford anything?... I still use free goddam web hosts, you know...
... Landlords love money... or so the spiteful stereotypes claim...
... and I will be a landlord one day... hell, I’ve already got the stereotype part down pat...
... yay for me, I guess...
... but for now, the four months of summer hell are finally over...
... finally, I can be lectured by professors again instead of my own goddam family around the clock...
... or both actually... if memory serves me right...
... and honestly, I don’t really need to think about this family business crap yet. I still have a few more years until final jeopardy takes a stand...
... I still have my whole life ahead of me... life is very long afterall, even if memory serves me short...
... my only problem now, is just feeling like a goddam useless bint of bum... like the runt of the litter... while my friends are all off... supposedly learning what life is all fucking about... not like that means anything, but still...
... I’ve been around... and my friends haven’t...
... that’s what I’m really shamed about... I never really left...
... and what’s even more shameful... is that I’m still scared of leaving...
... I mean, who am I fucking kidding?... this just plain sucks...
... when will I take a stand?...
... when will I take a bow?...
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
Y2kk Update: A happy, belated Canada’s Day to all people in...
... well...
... Canada, I guess...
And a happy, somewhat belated Fourth of July to...
... well?...
... the best place in the world to live in...
... Canada again, I guess...
That’s the joy about living in the Great White Polar Bear North, and having two major national birthdays so close together... I mean, every single fucking Canadian but me got shitfaced on July 1st, since the whole world knows that Canadian beer is like moonshine... And then why bother ever calling the party off? With the weekend just around the corner, people were too damn hungover to even bother going to work on Friday. Which means what?
Which means Canada was still party hardy central. For four straight days. For everyone who actually gave a damn about not giving a damn...
... which explains why I didn’t do a damn thing...
... and, eh?... oh, yeah...
... happy fourth of July to all Americans out there too...
...
... the saddest part of it all, was that I didn’t even spend my Canada’s Day whining about old friends drifting apart, or new friends ditching me for Spiderman. I didn’t even spend the night staring at the neighbours’ pathetic drunken attempts at firework shows, pining about what could’ve been with all those girls that could’ve been a could’ve...
And you know what’s really sad?
I spent my Canada’s Day... whining about politics...
... and about the goddam Toronto Raptors making an embarrassment of themselves at the NBA draft, but that’s a story for another day...
...
Since the entire world probably didn’t notice Canada had a federal election the other day (and why should they? It’s not like I give a damn when the King of Australia calls for a damn election either...), I might as well vent and swell and broadcast the big news out, to the couple of people who still actually give a damn about this website of mine...
While America is mainly a two party country, Canada is essentially three: the Conservatives (Republicans), the Liberals (Democrats), and the NDP (left wing extremists believing, well... you don’t want to know...). The NDP have never gotten into power, and for damn good reason... Because whenever they take over in provincial elections, they ruin the entire damn country! How the fuck could Bob Rae put my province of Ontario into so much debt, I will never know... And how the fuck could the 71% Marijuana-supporting British Columbia motherfuckers actually want an NDP government back, I really don’t want to know...
... and just for the record, Ontario is the big "state" north of New York... BC is the weed producing state just north of Seattle... and Canada? Well, I understand if some people out there can’t find it on the map, all tucked away down there with America always on top... like a big fat, red white and blue cherry...
... eh?... now I’m hungry...
The thing about the Canadian election, was that it was two tier painful for me in the end... On one side, I had my father. Obviously, I’m a grown man and should vote exactly as I see fit. But let’s face it – with the Canadian riding system, one vote really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things... My vote in Canada doesn’t go towards which party gets elected into government power or what not (although it does decide party funding). It simply elects a party into power in my single "riding" or community of 100,000. And whichever party gets more ridings into parliament power is counted the winner in the end, even if some other party manages to beat them out in the total number of popular votes across the country...
So I was in a bit of a dilemma... On one side, I had my father. And even though he owes the Liberals everything for their easy immigration policies, allowing him and his family to enter this country decades ago and pretty much amass a decent fortune, he’s switched sides over the years. Hell, he even yells at me whenever I even try to argue against the Conservative Party these days, since all he really cares is about how much money he can save a year on taxes... And considering I knew my one, little vote wouldn’t mean very much in this election? Would it really have killed me just to vote Conservative to please my dad, even though I’ll never really agree with their right wing policies compared to the Liberal Party of Canada?...
... well, if the Conservatives had a hot bitch as their leader, I’d definitely be more inclined to vote in their favour... but things didn’t exactly happen that way, now did they?...
... eh?... now I’m definitely hungry...
... the thing is, while I was terrified of backstabbing my father in the, um, back, by just canceling out his Conservative vote with a Liberal one, the thing is... My friends at university would’ve killed me if they ever figured out I voted Conservative! I mean, on one side, I had an angry father, telling me stories of how I was raised out of the womb, that pies used to come a dime a dozen (quite literally I’m sure off the streets of China... poontang for a nickel... now I’m really hungry...), and that I should do everything he says while I’m still under his roof... And on the other side? I had an entire army of Middle Eastern friends from, well, you know... the Middle East... all condemning any policy even remotely resembling anything that America or George Bush ever uttered out of their foul, potty mouths...
I sure as hell didn’t want to go back to a home where my father would shake his head in disgust at me... and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the one to tell my friends that I’ve been a closet Bush follower all along...
... I don’t wanna come out of the closet, dammit...
... so since one and one canceled one another, I really had no choice but to actually pick the party I wanted to pick in the first place... sigh... To actually vote in what you believe in... How sad is that?...
... yeah, well...
I stuck with the party for people who simply can’t make up their minds...
I chose Liberal...
... and they won in my Canadian riding without any semblance of doubt...
... and when I got home? Well, my dad just shook his head at me...
... and when I tried to tell my friends about the election? Well, they sort of just ignored what I was saying and changed the subject... for Spiderman 2, I see...
... ah, the lesser of two evils, I see... the best of both worlds...
... but that’s not what I was actually pissed about the other day...
...
... We have a little problem up here in Canada now.
We voted in a minority government...
Now in countries that go by proportional popularity vote (aka – not the Canadian riding system), Minority Governments are the most common damn things on the face of the planet. Because it’s almost impossible to get a country to vote at least 50% in favour of one party or the other, minority governments happen almost everywhere, and screw up the countries almost every single damn time (at least, from a Canadian point of view)... But here in Canada, with the riding system, even when the Liberals only get about 30% of the total votes, we still get majority governments here, where one party controls everything with an iron commie fist. And as much as we complain about majority governments when we have one, it’s nothing compared to the bitchings we make when we have the complete polar bear opposite...
Short story short, boring politics be damned, with a minority government here, nothing can ever get goddam done. When the head party votes for some sort of law to pass, every other party out there will vote against them, regardless of whether they believe in the policy or not. Why? Because the policies don’t matter to the politicians. Image in the eye of the voter does... and by completely making life miserable for the minority government in charge?... With the little parties outnumbering the party elected into government, Parliament gets nowhere in its lifetime. The country becomes stagnant. The NDP look like heroes. Dogs start living with cats. It’s the end of the frickin’ Canadian world as we know it (not like the rest of the world would ever notice, eh...)... And naturally, it’s the party in charge that always gets the blame...
It’s been said that Winston Churchill discovered it best... It doesn’t matter whether you win for your country World War 1, World War 2, or hell, even House Party 3... All that matters to the voters, is what kind of so-called "progress" will get done in the next four years. And with a minority government, the answer is pretty much a goddam guaran-damn-tee...
... hell, I’d even point at Europe right now as an example, if it wasn’t so damn cruel...
... let’s just hope France doesn’t kill off ten thousand more of its people from a heat wave this year around, eh...
...
So yeah, we’re stuck with a minority government up here. The Liberals, NDP, and that one, iddy biddy independent kind of guy, together make up a majority government... provided they can all bribe each other and work out a new deal... And I’m sure the Liberals will try their best to appease the NDP and that one iddy, biddy guy, if only so they can get stuff done in parliament, and avoid that inevitable re-election kind of shit that will cost our current Prime Minister, Paul Martin, his job and obviously his legacy to boot...
... for God’s sakes, he’s no better in the public eye right now than Kim Campbell...
... hell, in the world’s eyes, no-one cares that Paul Martin balanced out the budget, paid off billions of debt, and slashed tons of taxes... Heaven forbid, the record books only care that Kim Campbell was the country’s first ever female Prime Minister...
... and she wasn’t even elected, goddammit! What the fuck is the world’s problem?...
... ahem...
...
I wanted a reelection right away. I also wanted the Liberals to be forced to work with the Conservatives in order to save some sort of face... I wanted a Canadian government that didn’t sound insane with the current trend of being as completely anti-American on the fourth of July as possible... dammit, I didn’t want us to become France...
... and I sure as hell didn’t want us to become Michael Moore...
... but even with just 15% of the popular vote, the NDP somehow managed to get enough seats in government to ensure they can blackmail the Liberals into doing whatever they want. Because without the NDP, what power do the minority government Liberals actually have in parliament?...
... and while it gnashes my bones to finally see the day when the NDP get into power, without even being elected thanks to a goddam minority government, I must still admit... that’s not exactly why I was pissed the other day...
... I was pissed...
... because the general consensus on the net...
... around the world... with people who don’t know shit about Canada...
... including Canadians...
... and even on the news, was...
... that this was good?!...
WTF?!
...
... now I hate to be a sore loser, like half of American still is from Bush getting into power... But c’mon already! Who in their right minds would actually think a government, led by a psychotically left wing NDP party blackmailing the Liberals in the middle, could lead to anything else than political chaos, economic debt and goddam terrible comedy sketches on CBC?...
I fully believe in my heart, without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, that if every single person in this country was forced to vote (like an order from the King of Australia or something...), then I’m sure the NDP would get into power in this country, even with the riding system... If all the people who think voting is useless in Ontario would just get off their asses and vote, then I'm sure the NDP party could really give a thrashing to the Liberal party (provided that left wingers don’t switch to the Liberal party out of being a realist or sane...). And if only all the people in BC could forego their bongs for a day, actually remember which day it is they’re supposed to vote, and actually stay off the mile high club long enough to resist voting for the Marijuana Party of Canada, than I’m sure the NDP could’ve made a killing out West as well...
... so thank God that only 60% of people in this country actually voted...
... and yet the West blames us Ontarians for the election results?... HA! Damn right! We’re the only province that matters, dammit! We should have more power, goddammit... Toronto IS Canada! Suck on that, bitches...
Because the fact is, Ontario didn’t vote NDP. Hell, even fucked up BC didn’t really vote NDP. And WTF? Even hockey-pathetic Winnipeg and all the unemployed farmers in that useless city of Calgary didn’t even seem to vote NDP...
SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THE NDP NOW RUNNING THE WHOLE FUCKING SHOW?!
...
Is this democracy? European democracy maybe... fucked up French Revolution, reign of terror kind of democracy maybe...
But true democracy? Canadian democracy? Chinese democracy, for all us CBCs?...
Free Tibet, dammit!
Free Hong Kong.
Free Hongcouver.
And dammit, please call a reelection, Mr. Prime Minister Paul Martin... even if it costs you your job...
... I don’t normally talk about politics. Hell, this is probably the first ever time I’ve whined about it on this website of mine. And it’s sadly taken me five whole days just to muster up enough courage to write this sack of shit for those two, measly remaining readers of mine out there...
... guess they won’t be readers anymore, eh...
But dammit! Listen to the King of Australia!
Minority governments are bad! They never get anything ever accomplished.
So why the fuck does everyone in Canada keep thinking it’s a Martha Stewart good thing?
Dammit, Martha Stewart is evil! We knew that before, we definitely know that now... but we sadly probably won’t give a damn about it in a year or two...
Do we really have such short, fucking memories that we don’t remember when the NDP last got into power in Ontario? Or when Joe fucking Clark became Prime Minister?...
... who’s Joe Clark?...
...
... exactly...
... my point is, it’s just driving me nuts how fickle and fucked up the people across this country seem to be... Quebec is now raising their terrorist flags again, with newfound hope of a separatist movement thanks to the Bloc Quebecois taking up so many pointless seats up in parliament (and even some left wing Americans are cheering them on... Do they even realize what the fuck is happening in our country?)... Ontario seems to think that having the NDP in minority government power will keep the Liberals hot on their heels, preventing them from ever doing a money laundering scandal ever again. But news flash, eh – with the NDP in power, the Liberals will be prevented from doing anything period, goddammit! Is that really a good thing, for a country obsessed with progress?... And BC? All the people over there are probably still too damn high to notice what the fuck is going on... And all the provinces inbetween? Sorry, but we in Ontario just plain don’t give a damn about all you...
... except for the Calgary Flames bandwagon this year...
... though WTF was wrong with Edmonton? You fucking traitors. You sucked ass...
Go Leafs Go...
...
Well... that was a long enough, pointless Y2kk rant for the year...
I must be really bored...
... and hungry too...
... no doot aboot it, eh...
And has anyone even learned anything?
99% of the world still doesn’t know Canada had an election. 99.9% of the world still doesn’t give a damn... 99% of this country still thinks that the results of the polls were the best results possible. And 99% of us Canadians will be damning and bitching and complaining in just a few weeks, when we have a second coming of the Joe Clark fiasco...
Joe Clark who?...
... you don’t want to know...
... hell, we don’t want to know...
And call me when the King of Australia wipes Kim Campbell of Canada off the face of history, please...
Kim Campbell who?...
... exactly...
Canada what?...
... oh, right... sorry... all tucked away down there, eh...
... easy to miss... and easy to misunderstand too, I’m sure...
... and a happy, belated Canada’s day to you too...
Monday, May 31st, 2004
Y2kk Update: Goddammit, it’s the bloody hell middle of university summer, and I still bloody hell feel like I’m in university.
And why? Because I still haven’t passed the goddam year yet. That’s fucking why.
I just don’t understand how this university term went as bad as it did. It looked like it was going to be my easiest term, my best term yet, even right up the final exams... and, well... all I do know now, is that I’m slowly learning and sadly coming to grips with how to goddam live with my goddam embarrassment...
... well, almost...
I went back to my university the other day. One of my friends who had submitted a medical petition like mine already got his marks changed last week for the better, so I was interested in my own... Now, there still is hope for me – I just won’t know what the results of my petition will be until I finally get a bloody hell e-mail... but it scares me what the woman behind the Registrar’s desk just told me the other day, that pretty much all the petitions have already been considered. And if my marks still haven’t been changed online? Then quite honestly? I’m screwed...
I’m an assclown of a fucktard, getting fucked right up the ass. And no, it doesn’t sound as good as I make it out to be...
But bah... I wrote all about this crap on my download site last week. And simply because my Tweakui site is ever so slowly and painfully slipping into complete and utter obscurity, I thought I’d just copy and paste whatever the hell I wrote onto this goddam website out of sheer boredom and mercy... Most of what I wrote last week still rings true, except that I forgot to mention that even without television or video games to play, I still managed to procrastinate just as much this year during final exams as I did the last year where I got fucked over supremely... I guess some things I just never learn...
There is one thing I want to understand though, and it doesn’t exactly pertain to university... You see, for the past half year, my friend at his university campus has been complaining that he hasn’t been able to access my websites through my "mycrowsoft.com" redirection domains. I just scoffed it up to some messed up firewall routines at his university then, because I could perfectly access Tweakui.Mycrowsoft.com and Noname.Mycrowsoft.com from both my personal dial-up connection and the engineering LAN connection at my University of Toronto. But then I got cable internet back at my house just a couple weeks ago (thanks to two handymen bastards who had no real sense of humour, except for humouring me into shutting the hell up at least... but that’s a story for another day...)...
And short story short...
WTF?...
With or without the new wireless 802.11b router that I’m using, I can’t access anything from my bloody hell Mycrowsoft domains with my broadband connection! The real urls work, along with the secondary redirection addresses (eg: http://ivanfnoname.com02.com) that I set up bloody hell last year in bored desperation. But what the fuck is wrong with Mycrowsoft.com? As if Bill Gates himself had lifted a geeky finger, and twirled it forth into a vast pillar of God as a Grapes of Wrath against anyone who dares spoils the loins of his name, I can’t bloody hell access any of my sites with my cable internet connection using any of the tried and true mycrowsoft nicknames... and I honestly don’t get it! I don’t have a bloody hell firewall installed – hell, I don’t even use Windows XP, so there’s absolutely no threat of locking any websites out. So what the hell is going on here? Tweakui.mycrowsoft.com was still working with my dial-up connection the other day, so why not with bloody hell high speed? Why are my sites the only damn sites on the internet that I literally can’t access? I really don’t know, and I really don’t understand...
I guess I don’t understand many things in life anymore... except that I now have a real penchant for excessively swearing...
... I mean, wow... I really do feel clueless... sick to my stomach, in fact... I just don't understand anything...
... no wonder I still feel like I’m in school...
"I was hoping to save this update until I finally got some goddam good news...
... I never did...
... fuck...
...
... in case you haven't been following my exploits for a while, prepare for some rather gratuitous expletives...
... in case you haven't read anything that I recently wrote, I might as well let you two readers know that I fucking failed this Spring term of university, ready for explusion...
And you know what really disturbs me? I just don't get it. I just don't understand. I just don't fucking know how...
How did I fucking fail?... I know how I failed one course. I got 25% on the midterm, got 50% on the final. I was promised by my professor that if I passed the final exam, I'd pass the course. Then I failed the course, even after passing the exam, and simply shrugged my shoulders in callous despair that my professor was a complete, asshole of a goddam liar... I even confronted him about it at school. He said he passed on my midterm petition, but apparently the course coordinator didn't even goddam give a damn about my personal situation at the time. Apparently, my professor had no power to do absolutely anything, even after fucking promising me that he did... And apparently, passing the final with a mark over twice what I got on the fucking midterm wasn't bloody hell enough for the course coordinator to just shrug and say I deserve a pass in the course... So I wrote again to this course coordinator fucker of mine. I asked him to recheck my exam and please just give me a few more marks, if only to help my sessional average reach the needed 60%. And you know what he wrote back?...
... he fucking threatened me, saying he didn't appreciate being coerced into illegal activities by me or some shit like that...
... yeah... I don't think that exactly counts as good news, now does it?...
Then there was that other course I failed... the one I'm so fucking embarrassed even to write about... I walked into the final exam with a 60%. I thought I passed the final with a 50%... and yet... I ended the course with a fucking 47%? And for who? For what? For why? I don't fucking know... My professor claims that I failed the final exam with a 20%. He even went as far as to claim that I would be in the 30s with my final mark if I wasn't goddam saved by the bell curve... saved, my ass... I mean honestly, WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I went into the final having passed every single fucking test with class average marks. And yet my professor didn't give a single damn that maybe, just maybe, my record in the course proves that I shouldn't have fucking failed the course... And please goddammit, I only needed a few more perfect to pass! And goddammit, he still refused to help me, so I had no choice but to force him to by supplying a goddam medical petition. I have no idea whether I'll be rewarded in the end or not... all I know is, that I'm so fucking screwed...
... yeah... that doesn't count as good news either, I suppose...
Well, here's a mind-tickler for you... There was only one professor that I ever talked to in person after my marks came in. The rest completely shrugged off my requests for personal meetings, and instead chose to just threaten me over the phone and internet... But this one professor alone did agree to see me, although I knew it was really for nothing, considering I got 50% dead on in the goddam course... I mean, I had failed the course once, so I figured that he gave me a saving grace of a perfect pass because he wouldn't let me fail a second time around. The problem was, I refused to believe that I failed the course a second time. I passed the midterm this year with twice the score I did last year, and I couldn't possibly have done that badly on the final exam a second time around, now could I?... could I?...
... oh wait... well... apparently, I did... Because guess what? My professor kindly told me to my face, that I actually failed the course with a fucking 47% this year... again... and, umm...
WTF?!
I failed... the course... a second time... with a fucking 47%... the same, exact fucking 47% that I fucking failed the course with last year?
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
...
... yeah, well... it seemed that my professor didn't even remember who I was in the end. I started talking about getting the same mark last year (yet he wouldn't pass me last year...), but he didn't even have a clue what I was saying, so I just shook his hand, thanked him from the bottom of my heart for his generosity (which was a bloody hell year late), and then set off, fully knowing that I was still fucking screwed because I couldn't get any more help out of the guy... I mean, now I felt even worse. Not only did I fail two courses this term, but I actually fucked up three. And one of those fucking courses was the same, exact course that fucked me over last year? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!!?...
... the fucking thing is, I was doing well in that course... the fucking thing is, I was doing well in the other course I failed as well... and you know what the fucking saddest part of it all is? I was completely goddam floored and dumbfounded when I first got my marks back, because up until I saw that screaming face of the devil (my own reflection in the monitor, might I add), not only was I doing well in every course this year, but I fucking felt like I did well on all the goddam finals as well...
I mean honestly, what the fuck happened?...
For my Operating Systems course, I thought I aced that exam. And what did I end up with in the course somehow? Thanks to the midterm I thought I aced as well but horribly failed, I ended with a 61%... no help there... And what about my networking course? After all the labs I spent weeks and months on in that course, I went into the final with what I considered to be a decent mark, and somehow fucked up the exam enough that I only ended up with a 70%... But there was one last course that could've saved my ass, and I knew that it would. I was sure in my heart that it would... I mean, sure I thought I passed my Complexity final, and ended up getting less than half of what I bloody hell expected. And sure, I thought I aced my OS and Networking exams, and ended up with barely passing marks on either of those finals... But a lot of the questions asked on those exams were subjective. Not everything was set in Camelot stone... Apparently, every professor hates me and my handwriting, or just hates my goddam websites, so...
There was this one last Samurai of a course that I knew I would do well in. There was one last course that I beat class average on the midterm, I beat class average on all the labs, and I was heading into the final exam with over an 80% in. And it was this one last course that I absolutely, positively, 100% guaran-damn-teed knew that I fucking aced the final... I went in, recognized almost every single question instantly like the back of my masturbating hand, and finished nearly every single question in just a flick of a snap. I double checked it once, double checked it twice, just in case I was naughty or nice... And even after the exam, I compared my answers to my friends, and we all got the same damn things! I even counted all the marks I was 100% sure of on the exam, and there was no fucking way I was getting less than an eighty fucking percent in the course... there was absolutely no way out... and I desperately needed an 83% in the course to get the 60% term average I so desperately needed to move onto fourth year. And it really, truly showed my confidence in this one course alone, that I honestly believed I could get that 83% I needed, to have a fighting chance at passing fucking third year of computer fucking engineering...
I was so damn sure... my Computer Hardware mark - the final mark... that was what I was waiting for, to write this very update... that was what I was waiting for - at last, good news... just a drop of water... just a grain of mana... just, something... anything... goddammit, please, anything...
... yeah, well...
Fuck.
...
... I mean, what the fuck?!...
How is this even possible? What the fuck happened?!?
I ended the course... with a 72%... a 72 fucking percent?
A SEVENTY-TWO FUCKING PERCENT?!?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could've gone wrong on that exam. I counted marks, I compared answers, I studied like a bitch. I knew my fucking stuff, so what the fuck happened?... but does it even matter anymore?... with my term average now a dismal 57%, I knew I fucking failed the term, and only my goddam medical petition could save me now... but just out of curiousity... I was sure that the only way I could've dropped below an eighty in that goddam curse of a course, was if there was somehow a negative bell curve... so I called up some of my computing friends... and what the fuck do you know? What the fuck?... We had all compared answers after the exam. We had all the same damn answers... And yet their marks ended up in the A regions? And yet mine dropped ten fucking percent? TEN FUCKING PERCENT?!?
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HAPPENED?!?...
... motherfucker...
After going into the final exam with an A, I dropped ten fucking perfect in the easiest yet hardest working course of the year?... In networking, I worked my damn ass off on all those labs, only to drop five fucking percent after the final I thought was straight forward?... In Operating Systems, I spent those two entire damn weeks of my life dedicated to nothing else but redeeming myself for that midterm, and yet look what the fuck happened? I barely pass the fucking course that was fucking goddam easy as dirt to me... And what the fuck happened with my other courses? How the fuck did I fucking manage to fall fifteen fucking percent in one goddam course, and ten fucking percent in the other?... Ironically, the only course that I actually improved on after the finals, was the goddam course that I was already getting fucked in after that massacre of a goddam midterm... honestly, what the fuck is wrong with me?...
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?
...
I'm not normally one for superstitions, but I don't know... I just don't know... there's a homeless man near the streets of my university. Traditionally, I give him a few dollars every exam season (yes, just a few dollars - I'm that cheap...), just in the hope that a selfishly-motivated good deed could keep me out of the probation penalty box for one more year... just one more year... the problem is, I forgot to pay the piper this year... I forgot that he was even there, thanks to the construction being done in the area... and now I'm fucked... now I'm his bitch...
All I can do now is pray... I've paid for all of my exams to be remarked. I've submitted my medical petition, although I now regret that I didn't put the courses that I thought I'd do well on in the petition as well (I never thought I'd drop 10% in Computer Hardware... so I didn't put it on the petition to get my final exam dropped... I really am a stupid assclown, now aren't I?...).... but besides all this, and talking to my professors? Is there really anything else I can do?... I fucking failed my third year of engineering. In a year where all my friends have left for co-op jobs or fourth year design projects, in a year where nobody is standing still but I, I don't even know what the fuck is going on. I don't even know which way is up...
...
... the part that still kills me inside, the wound that still guts my entrails, is that I honestly thought this was going to be one of my best damn semesters of school, ever... seriously, I was doing well in each and every course. I didn't play video games during exams, nor watch a load of TV (except for the Maple Leafs games... fucking Leafs...)... I concentrated hard during the finals, and I thought I did reasonably well on each and every single one of them. I thought I guaranteed myself a B average this term, I honestly did... and now look at the fucking mess I've gotten myself into, and I honestly don't fucking know how...
... how the fuck could things go so wrong, when they felt so right?...
... how the fuck could I get so fucked?...
... that's the paradox I'm facing right now... that's the paradox I simply cannot resolve...
... and I was hoping that I wouldn't write a new download update until I finally got some good news. I was waiting for my Computer Hardware mark to show up, as maybe an 85% to save my term average, or for the exam committee to finally e-mail me back with good news about accepting my medical petition... I was hoping that one of my professors would find a huge mistake on my exams in terms of marking... Maybe they even got my name wrong? I don't know... I can only wish... wish upon on a star... dare to dream, I always say...
... but have I heard anything? Do I expect anything?... Do I have any hope or chance of goddam surviving at all?... at all?...
...
... fuck...
... fuck this...
... I never did...
... and the only thing I do know, is that I honestly don't know why..."
Thursday, April 29th, 2004
Y2kk Update: Fuck. I feel like I just graduated.
Or rather... I feel like everyone else around me did... but as for me?...
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle.
I feel like I’m stuck in the mud.
Because truth be told, clear as mud...
... I feel like a failure.
Because you’d think... you’d at least assume... that after three years in the engineering corps of one of the world’s most recognized universities? That at least I’d feel like I had a future.
But I guess that’s always been my weakness... I’m always living in the past...
... and always appalled by my past...
Because you see, I’ve stumbled across a sort of crossroads as of late. It’s usually around this time that I get into menial, meaningless contact with old high school friends of mine... Take for instance my old childhood best friend. For almost three straight years now, I’ve been the one who calls him, only to have him refuse my messages. He’s given me excuses why he ignores my calls, whenever I’ve seen him in person - that he’s afraid I’m mock him for his love life, that I never take up his offer of a dinner with his friends, none of which I have ever met or whatnot... But nevertheless, despite all the times he’s ignored me, despite all the times that he’s desperately shown that he wants nothing to do with me, I still always call him. The last time being around Christmas actually, only for him to never return the call... And you know what kind of sucks right now? For once, just for once, I actually don’t want to call him... I really don’t see a point in doing so. He doesn’t care... and I only care that he doesn’t care, and nothing more... But he was my goddam best friend in high school! He was my only remaining friend from elementary school. I can’t just hide from the fact that I know him... I just can’t shy from the fact that I knew him... I can’t just run from the fact that he knows me... and yet?...
And yet for so many others from my past, for so many of my other high school peers from the past, even when we meet, I pretend like I’ve never known them before. Before high school ended, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t be one of those asshole, elitist college pricks who ignore everyone from the past, simply because it doesn’t conform with the goals of the present... But the fear – the fear of something intangible – eventually gets to you, you know? And breaks your naive heart in the process... A while back, I got a call from one of my other close high school friends, and he was looking for a reunion of some sorts. He invited me, which was kind of him, but... Yeah, there was a ‘but’. I responded with a ‘but’... Not just because he asked to see me during my goddam exam time (after he was done of course, though I was not), but because? Well?... because I was scared of seeing him. I didn’t know what to say to him, honestly. It’s not that our conversations would be meaningless, because I simply can’t do meaningless small talk with a straight face. But rather, I’d try to put meaning into our conversations, and it’d just end up awkward like always, because I always try to pretend like he’s still my friend.
I always try to convince myself that he’s still my friend.
But he’s not. Friends don’t just say hello. They talk. They walk. They smile. They fucking keep in contact. And I’m just as guilty for all the above as any of my friends are, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m trying to keep friendships that simply haven’t been there for years.
And now I’m afraid... I did the same damn thing to my elementary school friends when I left for high school... and I forgot all about everyone I knew and promised to remember in high school long before my first term at university was even up... And now I’ve reached a similar crossroads all over again, and I know, I just know the history will end up repeating itself. And I don’t like the fact that it will one damn bit...
And I don’t like the fact that so many of my friends are leaving. But what the fuck can I do?
...
There’s really only one friend that I’ve kept in contact with since high school. He calls me every week, making me feel guilty that I’m never the one who pays for the phone bills... He’s probably the closest friend that I have. Hell, the mere fact alone that he’s the only damn person in the entire universe who regularly reads my updates makes him automatically the best person in the world in my eyes... But the thing is, he’s moving away. Technically, I shouldn’t find that a problem – afterall, we do live in different cities already, with me around Toronto and him in Waterloo... But he’s moving out of the country this time. For good. And to be honest, every time in the past when he did stay in the good ol’ US of A, it kinda got lonely and frosty up here in the north. We still talked over e-mail, but it just wasn’t the same. He still called whenever I wrote a ghastly movie review that he refused to agree with, but it just wasn’t the same. And now the problem is, I’ll have to change the meaning of my words, and twist them around in ways that I simply do not wish to see fit. Because from now on, e-mail will be the same. Rare telephone conversations will be the same. Because goddammit Powell, they’re going to become the norm... I hate to sound oversentimental, and in many ways, I’m trying too hard to be sentimental, if only in the hopes of redeeming myself for all those lost years where I simply haven’t given a damn. But honestly... If there’s one constant in the universe I’ve never liked, it’s change. And I’m going to miss him. No doot aboot it. Regardless of how often I still hear his voice, I’m still going to miss him. Because dammit, things just won’t be the same.
On more than one front, actually...
The battlefield lines... it’s war in them trenches, you know?...
Because it’s not just him that’s leaving. My best friend, or at least the nicest friend, that I’ve made at university is moving away as well... Hell, I still remember the day I met him. I really don’t need to reiterate it, considering I wrote about it more than enough the day it happened on my download site, but still... just for the memories... just for the memoirs... I was banging my head on the concrete wall outside of a tutorial room at the time. I had tried making new friends at university that week, and ended up getting stuck with a bunch of guys who didn’t give a damn about me, and thus I couldn’t give a damn about them (including the bastard from this year, but that’s a story for another day...)... But as I was banging my head senselessly against the wall (since there were no high school lockers in the area really, like I always banged my head on in high school), an innocent-looking guy from Pakistan started snickering at me. And when I looked up, I asked him what was so funny? I mean, I had honestly forgotten that mashing my brains apart on walls could be strange to somebody else... We talked a bit, then we left when we learned we had no goddam tutorial that week (God, we freshmen were dumb... obviously, I haven’t changed...). I met him on the subway ride back that same day actually, finally caught his name, and what do you know? I made my first friend. And through him quite honestly, I met all my other friends in university, or at least the ones who have actually impacted on me. I owe him a lot for that... not to mention all the papers and projects and studying he’s helped me with like a brother. Ditto on that, but that’s besides the point...
And now he’s leaving. He and another friend of mine got jobs at RIM in Waterloo this year. And because they’re on the 16-month Utoronto co-op system, they’ll be leaving tomorrow for a foreign place to stay and an entire year off from university... And they’re not the only ones. Almost half, if not more, of the people I care about in university are leaving for greener pastures, at least in terms of minimum one year co-op positions at least. Another good friend of mine is going to work at Celestica, another will be working at MD Robotics, and one of my other friends is actually going down south to California to work at Actel for the entire damn year... And congratulations go out to all of them. Absolutely. I can only wish them the best of wishes, and a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a God Bless Us, Everyone... But of course, my true motifs belittle and belie my not so diligent wording. I mean, I’ve tried being happy that they all got great positions. I’ve tried being proud of them, for working so hard at interviews and getting the job done. And I’ve tried, I’ve really tried just to want to be able to smile a genuine smile whenever they discuss their travel plans or when they say their goodbyes to their friends. But as the selfish, fucking bastard that I am, everything I want to be, and everything I want to believe, is a lie.
I mean, what happened to never leaving a fucking man behind?...
...
I have only myself to blame. It’s my fault and only my fault, and yet I’m sort of relieved that it is... I’m still in the hunt for a job, but co-op positions are pretty much now out of the question, meaning I’ll be most likely going back to an empty shell of a school next year... I’ll have little to no friends left over, with my only good friend remaining in another Engineering division than mine. I’ll have no-one to help me in labs, no-one to study with in the libraries, and no-one to complain about the fucking Maple Leafs to. I’ll have nobody to mock the Pakistani Cricket team with, nobody to nip coffee with, nobody to sip global politics with, and nobody – and I mean nobody – to listen to me rant and whine and cunt and complain about all the crap things I only release on these goddam webpages of mine... I’ll have little to no friends left, period. And if I want to stay sane in this university, I’ll have no choice but to make new ones...
... and ay, there lies the rub...
...
... replacement friends...
...
Fuck you, replacement friends.
...
Because the cycle of my life – of all life, perhaps – is repeating itself, like the sands of time and the gusts of God’s wind... My friends were once considered in my eyes as replacement friends. But no longer... they’re all I have, and they’re all I care for right now... and once again, my friends are moving off, and I’ll try to keep contact with them. I’ll try to keep e-mailing them. I’ll try to keep messaging them over ICQ and MSN... But it won’t be the goddam same as it used to be, now will it? I won’t be dragged to the International Student Center anymore, and be forced to smell the feet of fifty praying Muslim men who took off all their shoes at once... I won’t be carried off to foreign restaurants anymore, where the ethnic owners mock me for being a Chinese devil with no good taste in foods (but that’s a story for another day...).. Hell, knowing me, I probably wouldn’t even study anymore. If it wasn’t for our study groups, I don’t think I ever would’ve even cared enough for most of the midterms I passed or whatnot in the past (the ones I failed are an old testament to that...)... To be honest, I don’t want to make new friends. Because undoubtedly, they’ll make me forget all about my old friends, the ones right now that my mind refuses to lose. The ones my mind simply cannot come to grips with, of simply slipping out of grasp... And who knows? Perhaps just like that one close friend of mine from high school, maybe I and my university departees will be keeping in touch? Maybe I’ll even get lucky enough to fail fourth year and rejoin them back in the graduating class of 2006?... yeah... if only I were so lucky...
I can win the fucking lottery then. By sheer dumb luck, with dumb being the key word...
In a way, I know what would’ve been perfect. If only I had gotten a co-op job at RIM, I wouldn’t be feeling this sense of loss, worthlessness, and indictment that I am right now. Not as badly, at least... If only I could’ve moved to Waterloo with a job in hand, I could’ve stuck with two of my closest university friends, while getting to watch all those movies I’ve refused to watch with my close high school friend in the process... that is, if he was staying in Canada. And that is, if only I had gotten a fucking job at RIM... But I didn’t, and it wasn’t because of anybody else but me. It’s my fault and only my fault, and you know why?...
Because I didn’t even apply...
Not to RIM at least... and every place else just shut me out...
...
You know what’s really been haunting me as of late? It’s that damn graduation formal night of high school of mine... In my early university years, I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing my obsession just standing there, silently and stalkingly weeping in that torrid dress of hers (note to myself: never tell her that if I ever see her in person again...), all alone, waiting for a man to sweep her off her feet for a final dance at the ball... and I goddam dropped the ball... But to be honest, while I still think back to that moment from time to time, it no longer guts me inside as much as something else does... something that I never would’ve predicted...
I got voted as person most likely to succeed and be rich in life...
At the time, I just shrugged it off. If the class knew me, they would’ve known that money was the absolute LAST thing I wanted in life (although I obviously am obsessed with all material possessions other than my checkbook)... But you know what happened to me that night, because of that one damn meaningless trophy?... I started wanting to be somebody that I simply cannot be, nor want to be... I wanted to become rich, not because I wanted the money, but simply so I can live up to the standards of my fellow classmates. I sadly wanted to become successful, if only because five years down the road from then, I wouldn’t feel terrible for letting everyone down, for not being the person that thought I would be... Fucking retarded of me, eh? But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s been plaguing my mind for the past goddam month or more... Because almost four years down the road, I still can’t live down the fact that people expected me to be somebody that I’m simply not... and that I’m simply not the person that everyone expects me to be. It’s my eternal weakness – not just of living in the past, but of living vicariously through the eyes of another... I don’t want to be rich, because I don’t want to know the pain and toil and turmoil that does along with such a desperado fate. And yet I can’t stand being myself anymore, if only because of goddam peer pressure from friends that I no longer have! From ghosts of graduation pasts... from friends that were never even friends before in the first place! Just misguided bigots... with a meaningless ballot in the end that like everything else in life, I took far too much to heart...
But the fact that so many of my friends are leaving soon... that so many of my friends will be gone... for jobs, for personal gain, and for other reasons that I simply do not know.... well then... I just can’t shake the damn feeling of a mid-life crisis already creeping up and down my goddam shallow excuse of a spine...
Leave no man behind.
But I guess, I’m no man...
...
Take it like a man, I always say. And eventually, I will... The cycle shall repeat itself. The circle of life shall go on... My friends will leave me, and make new friends and alliances of their own. I’ll stay behind, regardless of whether I can still find an engineering summer job or not, and end up making new friends in fourth year from all the students returning from their co-op job positions... My close high school friend from Waterloo will still call me from time to time from America, and I suppose once I get his phone number, I’d put a few hits on my own bill, if only I paid for my phone bill that is... I’ll eventually forget all about some of the friends that were never that close anyhew, and perhaps realize that some of my friendships with some of the lost were stronger than I ever realized when they were by my side... The cycle of life shall repeat. Over and over and fucking over again... yet things just won’t be the same...
I’m going to miss them. All of them. I really am... things just won’t be the same...
... and, ay... well... I sure as hell have a lot of wanton years to go on, to not only get a fucking job, but to just try to figure out to myself, what the fuck do I really want?
What the fuck do I want with my future?
... blah blah blah... yadda yadda yadda... you know the drill... Change is the only fucking constant in the universe, and surprise, surprise, change in the only thing that I hate in this goddam world (... next to Sony, FOBs, and just about every single movie out there, but that’s besides the point...)... I’ll deal though, you know? Right now I shudder at the fact that a Y2kk Update just two years down the road, will be of me complaining about ignoring my university friends the way I ignore most of my high school friends right about now. No doot aboot it... But if there’s anything I’ve learned from the past. If there’s anything I’ve gained from living in the goddam past... it’s that I always end up becoming the person that I fear most. It’s almost as if I always end up becoming the person that I absolutely hate most...
As if I know the future...
Which means... why, who knows then?
Maybe I will become rich and successful someday then...
... someday, maybe...
...
... I mean, "somebody’s gotta graduate at the bottom of their class. How do you know it’s not your doctor?"...
...
... yeah, well, in the meantime, time to send out some more job applications then...
... and time to wish my friends – all my friends, especially those who can’t hear me – a God Speed, a Good Will Hunting, and a very meaningful, God Bless Us, Everyone...
... leave no man behind, lest we ever forget...
... fuck, I feel like I just graduated...
... not that they’d ever read this webpage of mine, mind you...
Saturday, September 28th, 2002
Y2kk Update: Well, I'm spent, with my hands feeling soiled after spending more than a fair share of hours turning bread into butter, and wine into, um... more butter, so to speak... And oh, nevermind. I never manage to get my metaphors and smiley similes to work out properly anymore. I'm just lucky that I managed to get my brother's DVD-ROM working a few hours ago, all thanks to a very old friend of mine. You see, my brother bought the Pioneer 16x about a month ago so he wouldn't be reduced to watching pathetic VHS tapes at his university suite. The only problem was, he was still reduced to watching pathethic VHS tapes, simply because his PentiumII 266MHz and its Matrox G200 card were simply unable to run a single DVD movie at more than 10 bloody frames per second... And since I've always been the frames per second kind of guy, I was determined to get PowerDVD working at all costs, even at the cost of my own wallet...
So because I had absolutely no personal use for it anymore, I gave his computer my blessed be, S3 Savage 4, a card so ouvertly obscure, that even the videophiles in my computer engineering class still haven't heard of it to this day... and they dare call themselves hardcore computer gamers, but I digress... Anyhew, short story short, I was shocked as hell as anybody when my useless Savage card, the one that can't even run NHL 2000 properly on my Duron 1GHz, was able to run DVD movies at nearly 60 fps. Sure, there was the occasional milli-second jump in framework, but it's true when I say the S3 had rekindled and regained my brother's moviephile secular existence in just a matter of mere minutes... and now he's taking all my DVDs with him to university, even the ones I plead with him not to, but that's besides the point. Because lo and behold, at least I can finally feel smug that my $150 Savage4 card actually does something right... and what, it only took me about three years to find it? Will the wonders of the world ever cease?
And God, if only I was able to build those wonders of the world, maybe I wouldn't have been slaughtered so badly the other day at school... You see, the newest novelty for me at the University of Toronto is the network Civilzation game installed on every computer. And what really sucks the Big City apple, is that after three games against friends and the not so friendly, I have officially concluded that I suck, what? I suck, what? Hell, my only strength in the game is typing in messages, telling the enemy where I am, so they can wipe me out and put me out of my goddam misery...
So just because I had nothing better to do on yesterday (except study for my tests this week, but that's besides the point), I downloaded Free Civilization for myself, just to experiment with the game mechanics... And you know what? You know bloody what? In my first game against the "easy" computer, they were killing me with Howitzer tanks by the time I had just researched bloody hell horseback riding. And God, sure my little archers managed to beat back the enemy aircraft carriers for a couple centuries or so, but it really stung when they started launching cruise missiles at me in the 17th century... And you know why I sucked? Besides the fact that I just suck at every computer game that is... It's because my friends told me that researching new governments was useless, yet I figured out by watching the computer on Friday, that if you don't upgrade to a Monarchy or Communism right away, your tech development slows to a Cro-Magnon halt. And, well... what? My friends and not so friendly couldn't have told me that just a little bit sooner? Because God, if I didn't know better, I'd swear that were actually setting me up for a can of ass whooping, entrenching my folds in the art of trench warfare every single life wrenching game, but that's besides the point... Because I'll get them back someday. I may sound like a cliche cartoon villain right now, but it's true. I shall have my revenge, and show them the very bread and butter that I'm made of, although that doesn't exactly sound too good...
Well, anyhew, enough with the senseless, endless, pitiful whining and, um, buttery emancipation, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean... Let's just cut right into the bread and, um, more butter of the story of the week, that my Mycrowsoft.com redirection services have been down for the past two weeks or so. As far as I know though, as of today, the servers are finally working again, although there's not really any point anymore, considering my hits for this site have reached a stunning peak of less than ten hits... If I can bitterly recall properly, the last time my Mycrowsoft.com servers inexplicably shut down without warning, my hits dropped from 200 a day to a bloody hell 50 a day over the course of just a couple of weeks. And now? And now? It looks like my hits have been cut into a quarter pounder yet again while factoring in the Subway diet, because nobody, and I mean nobody is buffering and bothering to visit my noname sites anymore... just great... just dandilion, God-awful Mandolin great... I'm officially the Neil bore of the internet. Welcome to the web.
Anyhew, because none of Mycrowsoft.com sites were working for about a week, I decided to procrastinate from homework for quite a while by setting up a backup redirection server at Ulimit.com. It's a French company, and although they still might go out of business just like so many American sites have from the dotcom crash, I've got my fingers and feet doubly linked list crossed that my new Com02.com redirection will serve as an auxiliary address when push comes to Great Depression shove... Anyhew, for those of you who actually care, here's a semi-evil list of my new internet redirection addresses:
http://ivanf.com02.com = http://tweakui.com02.com =
http://tweakui.mycrowsoft.com
http://ivanftweakui.com02.com =
http://tweakui.mycrowsoft.com
http://ivanfnoname.com02.com =
http://noname.mycrowsoft.com
http://ivanfdownload.com02.com =
http://download.mycrowsoft.com
http://ivanfmsn.com02.com =
http://download.mycrowsoft.com
http://ivanfoffice.com02.com = http://office.com02.com = http://office.mycrowsoft.com
http://support.com02.com = http://ivanfsupport.com02.com =
http://support.mycrowsoft.com
http://flame.com02.com = http://ivanfflame.com02.com =
http://flame.mycrowsoft.com
http://ivanfarchive.com02.com =
http://archives.mycrowsoft.com
http://development.com02.com = http://ivanfdevelopment.com02.com =
http://development.mycrowsoft.com
http://cows.com02.com = http://ivanfcows.com02.com =
http://cows.mycrowsoft.com
I doubt anybody will remember them, considering my download site is reaching critical hit lows each day, my noname site has yet to get even one microparsec of recognition, and my msn site has never exceeded the mark of five visitors a day... But sadly and strangely enough, a bunch of people now seem to remember me in the computer labs, simply because of one dandy trait of mine: I tend to walk around a lot, roam about, and simply pace back and forth, as if I was some important person, with something important to do... Now, any Y2kk reader will know the exact opposite is true. Afterall, I have literally nothing better to do in my life than rant and whine on this website of wine and, um, more butter, so help me God... But you see, since nobody ever reads this website, nobody at my school realizes know how much of a no-name loser I truly am. And strangely enough, that's why people actually seem to notice and remember my face... in fact, a least five people in the past week have asked me about that big black smerch on my face. Nobody's ever asked me about this bruise if a birthmark since Grade 9, when students were alerting the authorities that at home I beat myself up...
The thing is, I pace around the computer labs a lot, and I especially paced a hell of a lot this week after I finished my computer assignment early Monday. The thing was, since I was walking around, trying to help my friends before the deadline, it seemed like everyone else in the lab was taking notice how I was the only one in the room with the decency to help someone else out... You might ask where the TAs were, considering this was our lab session. And, well, leave it to U of T to pay a bunch of graduate students to leave their classes unattended and leave an idiot monger like me in unofficial charge... And to be honest, it was quite a funny sight. As I walked from friend to friend, there would always be a person inbetween who would cut me off, ask if I was the TA, and even when I would reply no, they would still jar-jar and beg me for hours and oodles of help... Most of the time, the questions were basic. A couple inquiries were about Java from the course I took last year, I had to give my own little tutorial on how to print in Linux a half a dozen times or so, and I especially admired the amicable guy, who even after I laughed in his face when he asked if I was the TA, still felt obliged to force upon me the big O question: where oh where, has the stapler gone?... and wow, that sounds good. That sounds wily. I feel so important...
But my favourite of the favourites has just got to be that one guy, that one first year guy who spotted me helping out one of my friends from across the room, and slowly began to raise his hand, imperial inch by inch, standard centimetre by centimetre, when he finally saw me lift my head up... Delighted that somebody out there had to decency to not tug at my hair for attention, I screamed out with a smile, "I'm not the TA!", and realizing that the dozen of so people that I've already helped didn't give a damn whether I was the TA or not, I just said screw that, I'm going to help this guy anyhew, and marched on over across the room, just to give him a tutorial on how to submit his project... Short story short, by the end of the week, I was used to be being asked for assistance from pretty much every able body out there, although that's still no excuse for standing up a certain friend of mine, but that's besides the powerpoint. And to be honest, when I first walked into university last year, the only thing that was on my mind was how I really wanted to be a TA sometime. Because I could never be a professor, since I barely had enough smarts to pass my first year. And yet the likelihood of becoming a TA is also as high as the Hood sinking the Bismarck, simply because unless I find some friends in high places, I need at least a B average in school just to sit idle in a tutorial classroom, like a screen saver on crack... or worse yet, butter...
But still, I've always had the innate desire to rant my ass off to anybody who demotes themselves to having to raise their hand. Basically, I want to be a TA just to deservingly lecture my students with God-awful Y2kk Updates, and watch them fraudily applaud at the end... just like how so many professors use their jobs to promote their books and papers, I guess I want to be a TA just to promote these sites... And to be even more honest, I did feel a certain element of power after helping out at least a dozen people on Monday. Because when it comes to life, when it comes to existence, it's not about right or wrong. It's not about better or worse. It's about standing high above the other's head, ready to give a stern lecture, when you suddenly and stubbornly realize, that the only thing that seems to come out of your mouth, is foamy, frosty, frothy butter... mmm, timbits covered in piss-poor, metaphorical butter, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...
And okay, scratch one off. It looks like I'm never going to be an English TA...
Friday, September 29th, 2000
Y2kk Update: Geez, me haven't updated this page in a while. I've been too busy, um, doing nothing and, uh, thinking about doing nothing... I updated the Advanced Windows9x Tweaking guide with something about a Mapped Cache, but it's a crappy tweak that I just put on there for no reason... I do have a story to tell you about Future Shop, which is the equivalent of Circuit City if you doubled all of their prices... I bought a CL ModemBlasterUSB 56k V.90 from them for $150 Canadian bucks, brought it home, and it worked slower than my old Motorola 33.6 worth $25 bucks or something. So I repackaged the goods and prepared to return it a few days later to where I bought it. Afterall, I had bought RAM at Computer City before (which is owned by the same guy as Future Shop is) and I was allowed to return it with no problem... But that was because Computer City has competition here. Future Shop has no such thing like that... can you spell MONOPOLY?
I stood in the refund line for 40 minutes, gawking at that stupid, yellow sign that said "Satisfaction Guaranteed". And for crying out loud, there was just that one person in front of us, trying to return a Cordless Phone that didn't work... and, well, that guy in front wasn't really happy with the service, and I didn't know why at that moment, but... When I finally got up there, I was greeted by a phony hello and smile. I told my problem, that the modem wouldn't connect past 26400 bps, and she didn't understand a word so she called a computer sales rep over. He didn't understand a word I said either, so with those blank, staring eyes of his, he asked me if the modem worked at all. I honestly said, "yes". It just didn't work because of an incompatibility with my computer, and I'd like an exchange please. And how does he respond? He tells me I can't exchange it. He shows me my own receipt, and dimly in that spot where it's folded, it says in faded print I can't return any product that's been opened. Doesn't matter if it's worth $1 or $1000, I just can't return it. That's when my brother started screaming that he just lost $150. I called the manager over, and she looked like she didn't give a damn. She had probably had gone through this routine a million times that day alone. She told me the same stupid thing that I can't return it, because if I did, she wouldn't know what to do with an opened box... well, for a buck she could've just repackaged it for someone that it can work for, but I guess she ain't very managerial literate at all... so I tested her computer IQ, and started spouting out all the crap that I did to try to get it to work. Told her about the MTU, the RWIN, the Firmware Flash bios, and even the bloody 3Com V.90 protocol test site. No response. Not even a flinch in their eyes.
They then asked me which server I used. I said I tested it with Freewwweb, NetZero, Freei, iFreedom, 3Web, HomeFreeWeb, blah blah blah and another one I can't remember right now... heh, the two of them just stared at me with blank faces and told me they heard the modem works with AOL and Sympatico... geez, like I didn't know that... Eventually I revealed to them that the only smart guy actually sacrificing himself by working at Future Shop had opened the package for us to look at & inspect, therefore we had bought the modem with an open box. That's when she went into the back, pretended to talk to herself in a mirror, and then came out saying we can finally get an exchange - and that because of her generousity, she could get fired... Yeah, sure.. she should get fired for arguing with us for an hour and a half already... I was going to use that $150 to buy a 128MB module of Pc-100 RAM which should've costed $190 according to the weekly flyer... and what RAM does the manager bring me? A 128MB module costing $290... hmm... con-men, con-women all in little, red uniforms... We then decided to take the credits at the store and come back another day when they don't remember us and can't take as much advantage, but when we got back to the refund stand to get a new receipt, a new employee (actually, the 8th person I saw at that spot over those 2 hours) was gossiping on the phone. When we asked for our credits, what does she do? She asks us our story again, and we waited yet again for the manager to clear things up. It's a good plan though; keep switching the refund employees so their cluelessness can piss us customers off even more...
Future Shop took nearly 2 hours out of my life. I think I'll give those 2 hours to Best Buy, Circuit City, or even, if I'm that damned, CompUSA when they all storm the Canadian gates... heh, when I was leaving, I noticed a guy was bringing a defective DVD playing back to Future Shop... I sure wish I had stayed to see that machine wrapped around that manager's head...
Friday, August 11th, 2000
Y2kk Update: Well, today's the big day. I just uploaded a list of almost 100 Free Web Space Servers and a whole bunch of new advanced Win9x tweaks like how to double your shutdown speed and how to break through every Poledit security feature there is. But that's not the big news. Let the Armada community know that I, IvanF - the bloody no-name modder, am now submitting my resignation for modding retirement. Today I release my final mod: IvanF's No Name Brand Mod 0.60 for Activision's Star Trek Armada. The main new features are I increased the Z-axis space, I made the AI even harder, I added a complete uninstallation batch file, & I added in the Borg Tactical Cube to give every race at least 13 combat vessels. To install my mod, just extract all the files to your root Star Trek Armada directory. If that doesn't work, extract it to a temp dir and move all the files yourself.
Fragaday's VISE Exe Installer for IvanF's Last Mod: IvanFragaday-NoNameBrandSTA060.exe
Mirror Site for IvanF's 0.60 Mod Zipped: IvanF-NoNameBrandSTAMod060.zip
I have been modding for 4 to 5 bloody, long months now. Go ahead and read the bottom of this page if you don't believe me, but my first official mod came out on Friday, April 21st, 2000 with an update coming out every 2-3 weeks or so. I've given my sweat to this game. I skipped out on studying for my Physics exam just to get a new mod release out. As far as I could tell, I am one of the first modders; I released a full conversion mod while James Bryant was wowing everyone with his Cobalt Defiants. I added in the Romulan D'Kazanak not long after Jc did it to become famous. I was the one who made Scube a household name; it's not a SuperCube! It's a Scout Cube! And I paraded online for weeks back in April, telling all Borg players to try my Scube. Scube this, scube that... And yet no-one remembers me. No-one even bloody knows my name. The Sandman may complain about not getting instant responses, but I complain about getting none at all. I was the first to improve pathfinding. I was the first to introduce incredibly hard, cheating AI. I was the first to create a new detail level where even Pentium 166 users like me can play with good graphics. And you know what? I have gotten nothing out of this experience. Well, not much at least.
I cried out for game balance; the players cried out for sods. I had a dream for All Experience RTS Players to settle their differences out online with my mod; whenever there was a balance issue, I would be right there to fix it. They were to give me feedback, and unlike any computer game company out there, I would make their balance suggestion reality. But goddam, I can't even play hearts properly. What makes me think I can make a game more fun for others? I don't have the brilliant reputation of Jc. I don't have people drooling at my AI like Capm does. I don't have the legacy of James Bryant. I don't have the Sods of Sulu777. I don't have the hype of the Millenium Project or the Generations Project. I don't have the loyalty that binds together the Midas Array. I don't have the realism of the Ilu Maris Project. & I don't have the originality of Futility. I dedicated my mod to balance, not sods. I thought I released a damn, good mod, not just a flashy one with cute little advertisements.
But goddammit, no-one hears me now. No-one knows the name of IvanF. Very few care... But I'm sick of being a bloody whiner. If anyone wants to try my mod, please go ahead and accept my thanks in advance. I'd love it if you played it online with your buddies; it was meant to see the light of the net. I'd love it if you'd have the courage to post in the Official Armada forum and tell me how to make my mod more balanced. But what I won't do anymore is whine, complain, or grovel for feedback. I've spent too long on my knees, and now I'm just plain bitter. Kaleb, Marrel, Tim, Ares, the Prophet, Brazza, the Sandman, & all the other greats; geez, they're all so talented and all so very lucky for getting the feedback that they get. As for me, I'd die just for cynical criticism that would kill others or some other crap like that. But I'm releasing this last mod for 4 reasons, 4 horsemen: for fbrg, for Fragaday, for my cousin, and for you, Victor. Yes, you...
You know, I'm not really upset... I'm sorry if I offend anyone; I have a real habit of doing that. I'm just frustrated & if you ever take the time to read my websites, you'd know I love to go on tangents. No matter how pathetically down I may feel, I also know that at least a few of the 39 people who downloaded my 0.56 mod enjoyed it as much as I did. I remember that it felt good to hear that some of the 90 people who downloaded my 0.20 first mod had fun playing with the special weapons... and just because of that, I promise I will make sure I will not vanish in to the bitter cold night. I will write. I will respond. I will be remembered. I will bloody be known... Geez, aren't I the melodramatic or what? I'm really going to laugh at myself sometime for writing this all...
Um, and uh, oh... thanks for listening to me...
Sincerely, _________IvanF, the no-name modder, August 10th, 2000...
Thursday, March 15th, 2000
Y2kk Update: Welcome to the grand opening of IvanF's Tweak 'n' Dweak homepage at Tweakui.mycrowsoft.com, just one of oh-so-oh-so many sites on the Mycrowsoft Network! So far, the only thing that I have online is a S3 Savage page with Quake3 tweaks. Go check out the console commands and yadda yadda yadda on the left. Now who's better than IvanF? Everybody!... but not for long.
... Tweaking and Dweaking for the broadband-impaired since March 15th, 2000...