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- Welcome to IvanF's Advanced Windows9x Tweaks & Dweaks ! - @ tweakui.mycrowsoft.com

- Last Updated October 26th, 2000 (started April 2000) -

Y2kk Update: So, you've been through my daily Win9x tweaks and ya think ya know it all? You blinked once, blinked twice, and then you threw away everything I said because it was all cut and parsley dry to you, eh? Well, we computer people often do that; pretend like we already know everything there is to hacking everything on the poor, little radish computer. But I'm starting to grow out of that phase (me think, but me thought that way back in Grade9 too...). I mean, who here knows how to fix millnios of transistors into a single silicon CPU, can build into any hardware full plug and play compatibility, and knows how to program in C++, Assembly, AND UoT Turing? Ha! Gotcha there, because I for one can't do any of that crap. I mean, who here actually knows what the hell bloody C++ is used for?... uh, hello? Did I say something wrong?... Oh, nevermind. I may know a few tweaks, but there is still trillions of terrabytes of computer junk data out there that I may never fully assimilate. And that's why the internet is fun for me: whatever I don't know, I just look it up and I get at least a rough detail about what I was looking for. Now, this page contains a bunch of tweaks that I did know, but a hell of a lot of tweaks that I still have no clue how to use. At least half of them I had to get from Axcel's amazing tweaking site at http://members.aol.com/axcel216. If you want the latest tweak information, go there. You won't be disappointed. And now, without more, um, however that word 'adue' or something is spelled, I give ya the Best of the Best of the Best Win9x tweaks out there, sir!


PS - I'll post new tweaks day by day because, well, um, I just don't have the attention span to keep typing away for more than 5 minutes at a time. And besides, I saw in the TV guide that Bruce Campbell's Army of Darkness was on tonight...__________-

Advanced Tweaking of that GUI for those who have no money like me

__________- How to Use 16-bit Colour Fonts in Win95 Without Having MsPlus

__________- How to Change / Rename the Location of Program Files

__________- How to Half the Time it takes to Shutdown Windows

__________- How to Minimize the Time it Takes to Close a Crashed, Timed-Out Program

__________- More Ways to Minimize the Time it Takes Windows to Shut Down Networks... joy...

__________- How to Increase your Desktop to 64 & 96-bit colour & 3200x 2400 Resolution, if you vant...

__________- How to Lighten the Load on your CPU and RAM by Using a Non-Rasterized Font

The Registry and Miscellwhatever Software Tweaks for Gaming

__________- Double your RAM & Let Games Run Exclusively in Win9x Through Shell =

__________- Optimize Win9x's Default Defragmenter; Improve RAM Swapping

__________- Tweak how Win9x's FAT HD System Handles Large Files

__________- Alter the Default .CAB Location to Shut the Annoying Messages Off

__________- Automated Elimination of 10+ Types of Temp, RAM clogging Files

__________- Quadruple Win9x's Max CD-Cache; Tweak your DVD Streaming

__________- Adapt your Dos TSRs to be Win9x Friendly Through Ios.ini

__________- Remove UDMA from your Reg through DOS to Get Back into Win9x

__________- Disable Modem Logging for Increased Online Gaming Bandwith

__________- How to Disable File Sync to Improve File Access & Write Speeds

__________- How to Tweak MsDos.sys & Use the Bootlog to cut a Minute off of Boot time

__________- Shorten Loading Time by Forcing CPU Priority & Hormone Supremacy

__________- Replace MsDos.sys with Winboot to Tweak Boot Time & Win9x Compatibility

__________- Tweak System.ini with MinSPs, PageBuffers, MinTimeSlice, Permanent Swap File Buffers...

__________- Enable a Conservative Swap File to Cut Paging Down by 50 to 90% in Windows98

__________- Enable Win98 Enhanced Mapped Cache to Decrease Paging to the Swap File

__________- Disable DirectX logging and Debugging, and Tweak your Video Card's 3d Performance

__________- Enable Full DMA on Your UW-SCSI and PCI ATA-controller Hard Drives

__________- Enable Maximum Direct3d Hardware Acceleration Through DirectX Reg Tweaks

Advanced Tweaks to, uh, Tweak Your Internet, LAN, & Dial-Up Settings

__________- Use Win9x's Hosts File to Optimize your DNS-Contacting Look-Ups

__________- Use Dial-Up Networking to Find Your ISP's Exact MTU Value

__________- How to Check if Your ISP is STAC-Compression Compatible for Improved Stability

__________- Solve Win9x. / WinNT LAN Conflicts through Browse Mastering & File Sharing

__________- Tweak your Registry to Increase your 56k External Modem's Max Speed to 921200 bps

__________- Optimize Your LAN Connection Through DMA Buffers and other RAM stuff

__________- Dweak Win98's TCP by Adding in Dorment MSTCP Reg Tweaks

Tweaks, Dweaks, and Hack-eaks for getting by Win9x Security

__________- 3 Easy Ways to Hack Through Someone's Screen Saver Password

__________- Find your Win9x CD Key in the Reg; Change your Default Win9x User Name (if you look yourself)

__________- How Microsoft Designed its CD-Keys for MSOffice97, MSPlus95, and Windows95B

__________- Disable the ESC Button at the Win9x User Logon Screen

__________- How to Hide Hidden Files so They Can't be Seen, even When 'Show All Files is On'

__________- How to Hide the Scheduling Tasks, WebFolders, & Dial-Up Networking Drives permanantly

__________- How to Delete Timesink and CD_Load to Stop Ads from Clogging your LAN Connection

__________- How to Move Office2000 and Other Win9x Programs Without Reinstalling -NEW-

__________- How to Enable/Disable Most of Win9x Poledit's Security Lock-Outs w/o using Poledit

Tweak that Win9x UI just for the Hell ya of it

I'm still stuck with Windows95 (yeah, I'm pathetic like you) & I want High Colour Fonts w/o MsPlus.

Like I told you all in the regular tweaking guide, using high-colour fonts can slow that again Win9x desktop and if you are stuck with a Serial mouse like me, you'll find fonts are the culprit for all that mouse lag. But if you really want everything to look sweet and dandy like the USS Lollipop of Star Trek, check out HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\desktop\WindowMetrics in the registry. If it ain't there already, add the string of "Shell Icon BPP = 16", with 16 being the integer value of the string, but of course. Vhy vould it not? And that's it... if you just want 16-BPP colour, but that just ain't enough for the hardcore, sawdering fanatics that we are. I've tried going to Shell Icon BPP = 24 for 24-bit colour, and it works fine (omigosh! My computer almost started up that time!). And if you're really psychotic and you want to go for 32-bit colours (why icons are so important to people, me may never know), go ahead and try it. Make my day. Freak an egg... Um, I'm getting hungry now & my leg is getting worn out...

I don't like how the 'Program Files' Directory has 2 words in it; Can I rename it to LoisMustDie?

Of course you can! You can easily do it by downloading programs that can do the renaming for you, but as my brother always says, that's just too logical. So let's edit the registry ourselves! Fire up that regedit and visit your grandma at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion. There's a string that's named 'ProgramFilesDir'; let's have fun and modify it for a good Molson Canadian moonshine sake, shall we? It will read as 'C:\Program Files' and that's not good for business, so change it to whatever you want. I'll use 'D:\IvanFSucksCrap' because 'D:\IvanFSucksCrapOutOfHisButt' is just too long for the 8-letter max of DOS. Okay, now that was the easy part... Uh oh, now comes the easier part: rename your Program Files directory to whatever you named it in the registry, and you must do this before you restart your computer or else you may get stuck in safe mode or something. If you moved Program Files in the registry to a different drive, you will have to move everything in your Program Files directory to the new hard drive, which ain't so bad & long considering everyone out there is spoiled by an ATA66 Hard Drive or better by now... Now, not all of your programs may work because some individual reg entries or some locations in the system.ini & win.ini files may still lead to Program Files. I would just format my computer then and there, but you can just do a search in the registry for all 'Program Files' and just search for the same thing in the .ini files in Notepad. But you see, I wouldn't do that. It's just too logical.

Okay, everyone brags about shortening boot time, but I want to tweak shutdown time. I hate Ho Hoes.

Yeah; twinkies have always been my style and size. & O Well, golly geez, I remember the time when Microsoft kept bragging how their Windows98 would shut down in just half the time it took Windows95 to, well, shut down. But that didn't exactly come true, did it, uh, did it? I mean, I installed Windows98 on my brother's computer and with all of those useless dlls stuck there, but his computer kills itself just as slowly as it did before. I've never been an advocate of Euthanasia, but if I had Windows stuck in my brain, I think I'd want to be put out of my misery too, and quickly. Microsoft had a good idea about how to make sure Win98 shuts down in less than 20 minutes: most of the time, the network won't respond and Win95 wouldn't shut down until all .exe had closed themselves. You could've gotten through this by using the CTRL-ALT-DEL Triple HHH keystroke and then forcibly closing those yogaing programs, but most users didn't know where the DEL button was let alone the ALT and CTRL ones, so Win98 was designed to force the network to shutdown automatically after a little while. Well, you can speed up that process even more by visiting HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\desktop in your local grocery store. You should find a string called "AutoEndTasks"; if you don't, either format Windows for no apparent reason or just add the string by yourself. And then just make sure it has a value of 1 in it to force all programs to close as soon as possible. Then maybe you can leave your computer in peace before Greenpeace starts World War 6 or something.

Okay, that works for shutdowns. But vhat if me comp freezes during gameplay? I say, save the hos!

Yeah, can you believe that? I actually watched WWF Raw for the first time in years this week. You see, I haven't had anything better than basic cable since, well, the days when Wonderbread was German. I love wrastling; my little brother started beating the crap out of me everyday after we watched our first WWF Superstars event, but I still haven't found a real link between wrestling and child violence... One person in my computer class commented to me that she hated all sports. That's a harsh thing to say, but I see what she's getting at. Sports only use adrenaline and ferocity, not intelligence... well, okay, that's not true. To win, you need real teamwork and although that's not rocket science, predicting what your buddies will do & what your opponents have up your arse may tax your brain more than any math brainteaser out there. Well, one can also say that sports are uncivilized because they promote violence and aggression, but I don't think she would comment on that considering she probably really enjoyed the shooting spree scene in the Matrix movie or something... Maybe she's just sick at how much money atheletes make, & no-matter how hard they work 5 days a week, no-matter how long they must kill themselves on the road at a time, & no-matter how many fans they give hope & excitement to every week, it still doesn't justify a $10 million per year contract when children are starving around the world... Hmm, it's hard to argue against that one except for one thing: she doesn't hate the sport then. She hates the players. But as Booker T always says, Don't Hate the Player. Hate the Game. And well, you can't really hate the game of wrastling because it's, um, too fake to be considered a sport. Let's call it a nightime soap opera or something... Ok, I got a little off topic there. Well, just a little... Anyhew, the dweak right above told how to force timedout programs from delaying your shutdown, and for a good reason too: I'd never want to be stuck in Windows a second longer than I have to. But we also all get annoyed when our programs time-out while using them, and then we're forced to use the TripleH finger thing to turn it off. Well, if you wait long enough, you'll notice that Windows will eventually ask you if you want to forcibly close the program or not, and everytime something in Windows crashes and doesn't close, an angel rips off its wings. Now, if only that stupid time-out timer could be shorter... Go check out HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\desktop in your registry. If it ain't there yet, make a string key there with this name: " HungAppTimeout " and give it a value of 1000. The default value was 5000 milliseconds, which was the time it took for Windows to decide to ask you if it should kill a timed-out program or not. Now, I saw this one at Axcel's: go ahead and make astring key called "WaitToKillAppTimeout" in here too. Change the value to 2000 or something; the default was 20000 milliseconds, which was how long Windows would wait until it closed all open programs when you're trying to shut down. Like I said earlier, I don't want anyone to stay in Windows longer than you have to. And I say, Don't Blame Canada; Blame Yourself.... uh, well, if you knew WCW 2000, you'd get that... probably... okay, so I don't either. So Carpathia me.

Ok, I've got to be as loser when I'm making a useless subheading for a topic already committed to war.

Yeah, that's what all asthma users say. Just to tell everyone yet another boring story about my life, there's always about a 2 or 3 month period during the year where I cough non-stop. There is no reason why; no asthma, no fever, no dick down my throat (ok, did that sound weird or was that just me? Time to delete...). It's just that my throat gets smaller and swells, and then everyone freaks out on me because they think I'm spreading germs around the school or dying or something actually bad. I'm surprised that no-one in my computer class asked me about my cough except my teacher, but he was always looking for a good enough excuse to boot me out. So was I, but that's a lesson saved for my professors... Anyways, this tweak is just like the one above; it's just another reg setting to speed up shutdown time. Revisit HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\control so your sick friend can get a kidney transplant. You'll see the key thingy "WaitToKillServiceTimeout"; the default is 20000 milliseconds so set it to something less than that if you want to bust yourself out of Windows faster than normal. I for one prefer using hostages, but both ways work for me.

Ok, doctors say I'm afraid of Peanut Butter, so why can't I get more than 32-bit Colour for my Desktop?

Good question, and I think Axcel has an answer for you. I just saw over at his massive site that you can get as high as 96-bit colour for your desktop. Um, I'm not sure how many colours there would be but... umm, if you have a GeForce2 GTS or higher and you feel like frying your card for more than 24 hours a day, give this dweak a try! Just go to HKEY_CURRENT_CONFIG\Display\Settings in your registry, and where it has the reg key "BitsPerPixel", change that to 64 or 96 for enough colours on screen to overkill a not very colourblind dog! Geez, I've looked at that BitPerPixel thing a million times in my life, and not once did I ever imagine you could set that to 128 for real Video card frying braggin' rights... I guess you can apply this tweak to other keys there too, like the "Resolution"key. Instead of leaving that at a paltry 1280x024 or 1600x1200, change it to something extreme like 800x600, like it is on my computer! Now that's worth bragging rights!... this is the part where I cry, claiming my computer sucks, but you know the drill, so there's no need to crack my bony fingers more with typing...

Oh no! The Fonts are coming! The Fonts are coming! Eat those Caterpillars! Sew your Flies!

I was just remembering how no-one in my US History class knew the answer to what Paul Revere or whatever his name was, screamed to the houses on his midnight run the night before the American Revolution. No, it wasn't "the red coats are coming". That's what we all said, and guess what? We got it wrong. Turns out, Mr. Revere was hacking "the regulars are coming! The regulars are coming!" Not very exciting, eh?... heh, I said, "eh", eh?... um, I'm also getting bad Grade 5 memories of when I went up in front of my entire elementary school to recite a really bad poem about winter that my teacher seemed to like. I screamed to the crowd at my highest voice, but when I sat back down, my friends in the middle of the gym claimed they couldn't hear a thing, and that's when I realized that I never wanted to win the speech competition again... The only year I won it was Grade 4; every other year, I always ranked second in my class for the oral speeches, and never went on to the school finals. I wonder why? Did others simply have more talent, or did I croak on purpose? Hmm... Well, I have no clue how any of this relates to my obsession with deleting the fonts at school, but it just does. I keep deleting their useless fonts (and pissing off all those who have made religions around Wingdings) because they slow down load time, but it took me a while to figure out how fonts affect system speed. I've already told you to not smooth your fonts, but that's just half the battle. Go to your display properties, then to your appearance tap, and for every place you can there, set the default font to the "system" font. You see, keeping Arial or Times New Roman as the default will cause excess rasterization and plotting. The system font is so primitive and so hardware based that it takes little or no RAM or CPU power to render it at all. Actually, you can get the same speed increase through any font that ends with a .Fon extension (.ttf ones really slow you down). Some people play with their Windows (um...) with "Courier", "Modern", "MS Serif", "Roman", and "Fixesys". Sure these aren't the most romantic of names, but at least they're loud and crisp enough to be heard at the back of the gym... yeah, me c'est still bitter...


3d Win9x Software Tweaking for the Brave Dweaks at Heart

Okay, let me try to understand this. I have a 256MB RAM system, but my games still run out of memory.

Yeah, well that's what I call the MicroGates Effect. You see, I never liked Windows because I'm stuckwith just 32MB of RAM. As a gamer, you can't run diddly squat with that, not even Solitaire. For God's sake, I still don't know how to play Hearts because it won't bloody run on my system (yes, Meagan, it's true - if I ever do win at that game.. well, let's just say that won't happen anytime soon)! And why? Because when I look up what's using RAM in Norton System Info 4, I find that 30MB is being hogged by Windows and for some odd reason, no amount of a permanent swap file can fix a thing. Okay then, that's okay. I can deal with it... So I installed another copy of Windows95 onto my system, thus making a dual-boot, uh, system with one Windows for appz and the other for gaming. And in the gaming one, I use a little tip with the shell= command. If you look in your system.ini file, you will normally find the line shell=explorer.exe . That tells Windows to load the Win9x GUI and all those nasty little leprechaun .dlls that need it. However, by changing the line to shell=taskman.exe, it'll won't load the GUI; instead, it loads just that innocent tasks window and no annoying .dlls. I checked Norton soon after and guess what? Windows was now using only 10MB of RAM! Without the taskman GUI option, I wouldn't even be able to start up my Star Trek Armada game for modding. However, taskman is still a GUI and still uses a bit of RAM... but if you want a DOS-like environment where only about a meg or 2 or your RAM is full of .dlls, try this on for Furby size: try something like shell=c:\quake3\quake3.exe . What this will do is as soon as Windows boots, it will run Quake3 and only the .dlls that it requires. Imagine that; your 256MB system would actually run Quake3 or UT with around 255MB of free RAM to, uh, be used... It almost makes me forget how sweet those DOS days were... almost. You see, as soon as you quit your game, Windows will go to the shutdown screen. Why? Because you didn't load the Explorer GUI with that go-happy Windows button & all that right-clicking crap (it took me 2 years to find where that right-click keyboard button was... who would've thought they'd put it there?) . So if you want to use this trick, make sure you know how to press F8 at startup and use real DOS's edit command to, um, edit that system.ini . So why do I call the RAM hogging the MicroGates Effect? Well, you'd think it was about Microsoft and Bill Gates, but you're not even close. It's more along the lines of worms crawling through apple holes and those socks that disappear everytime you wash them...

Okay, I'm rich enough to buy Microsoft Windows but I'm too cheap to buy a good defragmenter.

Well, that right is reserved for the wealthy and the rippers. Either way, it's juicer than those crap boxes I have downstairs. Huh? Oh, nevermind. The biggest problem with Windows95's Defragmenter is that it screws up permenent swap files pretty bad. The problem with me is that I can never spell permanant... uh, I mean permenant... oh, screw it! I'm not sure about Windows98 or Windows ME, but Microsoft's track record for defragmenting is about as good as those $10 speakers that came with my sister's clone computer. If you want to squeeze every last bit of optimization from Microsoft's brilliant $100 buck defragger, go to your system in control panel and disable the swap file. When you restart the computer, the swap file would have joyfully gnawed its feet off and ran from its Microsoft oppressors and when you use MsDefrag, it'll put all your happy files at the head of the hard drive. Then after the 60 hour process is done, just go back to your system panel, put a shotgun to the swap file's face and force the poor lad to come back with arms flailing. If you want to do this process the hard way, go to your system.ini file and put a semicolon (;) in front of each of these lines: PagingDrive=, PagingFile=, MinPagingFileSize=, MaxPagingFileSize=. These lines just control where the swap file is, how large it can get and how tiny it can shrink. Putting a semicolon in front does the same thing as rem does to batch files... Okay, if you want it in Engalish French, the semicolon just disables the line behind it. Then add this line to your [386enh] thingy: Paging=off, and voiolala! The swap file is dead. Long live the queen.

I ate file fragmentation for breakfast until I learned about Slim Fast. Now everyday is a Slim Fast day.

Uh, in the immortal words of my Algebra Mr. buddy, Craig: "... Okay...". Okay then, let us never talk of him again... I remember the days when Bill Gates was seen as a genius for claiming home users would never need more than 640k of RAM... you've gotta love DOS. Well, Windows95 had sort of the same problem because it can't really handle files over 4 MB or something well on the hard drive. What usually happens is because of the happy days handling of the old FAT16 format, the hard drive's clusters are not, um, jolly good large enough to handle large files. But if you're still using Windows93.1 (um, no typo there...) like me, you can optimize the way FAT16 plays with the boys and girls. Go to.com.org HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\control\FileSystem in your registry, make a new DWORD value key here called ConfigFileAllocSize, and then double-chicklet click on it. Check the decimal box thingy and give a number between 1024 and 4096 (1Mb to 4MB for the computer-toddler in training). The default was 512 & I really hate the number 512, so if you've got lots of files and a huge hard drive (omigosh, is it possible to have a drive over -drum roll please - 4 GB?...), I recommend you switch it to something like 2048 or 131072, whichever one is closer to zero.

I want more gaming speed! So when I search for a driver on the Win9x CD, I want it now!

Yes, and I want fruitcake baked in a frying pan but baby, it doesn't come to us all, uh, baby. Okay then, I'm just trying to make a point that there's something really irritating about Windows. When I pop in the Win95 CD and I go to reinstall a driver that decided to chew its leg off and die, it always asks me where the stupid cab file is. It's in the Bloody X:\Win95 directory you, uh, Microsoft A-hole (yes, my CD drive is X: because I was sick of moving it down the line everytime I had to repartition my 4GB hard drive from bad clusters... who would've thought 4GB could be separated nicely into 6 happy parts?). Well, me eventually figured out that if you look at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Setup\SourcePath in your registry, there is SourcePath key that holds the default directory of where your cab files are. Change it to wherever (um, is my spelling really off right now or am I seeing things...) directory you are locking those stenching, um, cab-like cab files. Mine are behind steel bars on my G: drive partition, twidling away at that fork and steak of its like no other can...

I hate the word temp. They call me that at work. They call me that at school. They call me that in bed.

They? Um, let me guess. That's none of my business, eh? But regardless of our position in the NRA, I'm sure we all detest those ugly temp files. In the standard Win9x tweak guide, I told everyone following the yellow brick road that they should delete .tmp files and basically anything that once had a "~" thingy at the start of its name. Well, for the DOS at heart, it's easiest to set up a batch (.bat for the non-DOS at brain) file to delete all those pesky temp files at bootup. But surprise, surprise! Microsoft and its buddy buddies have tried yet again to trip us all up since there are even more types of temp files out there, buzzing around like busy little flying rodents. Here's just a small list of the some of the common ones that are really tempting to, uh, make even less temporary (Ok, so I suck at puns. So sue the TrailBlazers or something): .001, .002, .00(put any stupid number here), .bak, .b~k, .bmk, .da1, .ftg, .gid, .ink, .lhx, .log, .old, .out, .par, .prv, .syk, .swp, .txt, and that all-too annoying .$$$. You can delete all these easily by setting up your autoexec.bat with lines like deltree c:\windows\*.tmp or something. Just before you go on a mad Willy Nelson deleting spree, keep in mind that .GID files are help files so keep them ifyou tend to have a compulsive right-click helpme disorder. You can also delete the .dat files if you'd like; just make sure you don't wipe out your system registry like I did this morning testing out this tip, okay?

I hate the # 1238. It's just a sick joke to me. Why does Microsoft taunt us with a 1238kb max CD cache?

You hate how the 8 ruins the pattern of the 123? Good for you! You've just won a milliono dollars, except 98% of that will be taxed off of your heinke. But, look on the bright side: thanks to Axcel and friends, 1238 kb ain't the largest your Cd-ROM/DVD cache can go up to! Now, I keep my cache at the bare minimum, but if you've got a terrbyte of RAM or something, try this on for underwear D-cup size, but trust me on this; this tweak is a bit of a doozy. And don't try this at home if you're running with MS-DOS Compatibility mode on. If you have a screw over a computer, make sure you screw over one at work. Now, first open up regedit and find: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\control\FileSystem\CDFS. In it, you'll find the 2 hex values of "CacheSize"=hex:6b,02,00,00 & "Prefetch"=hex:e4,00,00,00 (or at least in Win95 you do). And now, here's a list of what you can change the settings to: Default - 1238kb = 6b,02,00,00 0000026b, Medium - 2476kb = d6,04,00,00 000004d6, Large - 4952kb = ac,09,00,00 000009ac. The largest you can get to here is 4952 kb, so if you looking for a good time tonight, give your computer a rise by replacing that useless "Cachesize's" 6b,02,00,00 with "Cachesize"=hex:ac,09,00,00. Oh, by the Canadian egg-freaking way, that hex just means you're imputting a hex value. The "hex:" won't actually appear in the registry.

And now, we've gotta get some use out of that Prefetch crap so here's a list of values:

4x[Default] - 228 e4,00,00,00 000000e4 , 8x - 448 c0,01,00,00 000001c0

16x - 896 80,03,00,00 00000380, 24x - 1344 40,05,00,00 00000540

32x - 1792 00,07,00,00 00000700, 40x - 2240 c0,08,00,00 000008c0

48x & above - 2688 78,0a,00,00 00000a78

Now what the heck does all that mumblyjibrony cocktail crap mean to us walkig-tig things? Well, the first number (eg:228) is the decimal value of something, but I don't think that's used so don't bother with it. The next value (eg: e4,00,00,00) is the hex value and this is what you replace to get faster speed. Let's say we have one of those oh-so slow 72X Kenwood drives and we want to optimize the old "Prefetch"=hex:e4,00,00,00. We would then replace it with "Prefetch"=hex:78,0a,00,00. And if you know how to read the hexadecimal language number cheeto system, you can follow the pattern and find out how to optimize that 72X drive, but don't ask me for help there. I'm still stuck in plain ol' 4d, base 10 math. So this twas all simple enough, eh, eight, righto, eh? Uh, but we're not done yet.

Now you'll have to pay a visit to the DWORD value home shopping network at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\control\FileSystem\CDFS where you'll find these two lovely beauties: "CacheSize"=dword:0000026b & "Prefetch"=dword:000000e4. Now, I'm too lazy to write the list again so do you see those underlined number thingies in the lists above? Those are the DWORD values that you need to put in this dumb area of the registry (who made up this registry anyways? I'd like to see someone who knows how every, stupid damn key works in that corrupted piece of Mycrowsoft crap). For instance, you can change the 1238kb cache "CacheSize"=dword:0000026b to the 4952kb "CacheSize"=dword:000009ac, and you can change the 4x "Prefetch"=dword:000000e4 to "Prefetch"=dword:00000a78 if you're got a need for 48X speed. And finally, you can reboot that dying system of yours and watch as your computer won't even start in safe mode anymore. And then your beloved computer will be running with exactly the same efficiency as mine is right now. Ain't life a bag of F-ing doritos?

And though I may never buy a DVD system (although a FMD system with 16XDVD compatibility might be tempting...), here are/is (whichever one; I was never good with animals) a list of optimal "Prefetch" values for watching movies on the really small screen:

1x - 448 c0,01,00,00 000001c0, 2x - 896 80,03,00,00 00000380

4x - 1792 00,07,00,00 00000700, 6x - 3584 80,0a,00,00 00000a80

What the heck is that IOS.ini? Is it a message from Microsoft? An IOU (or insult) for installing Windows?

Don't be ridiculous. Microsoft would never give us back anything after we give them our cash. Same with Linux, those filthy little buggers on Survivor sticks... I think there is an IOS.ini file in your Windows directory. What that does is it manages your DOS TSRs in case you really need to run 16-bit applications in the so-called 32-bit (but really is a fancy DOS GUI) Windows platform. Whenever you get one of those "Using Ms-DOS Compatibility Mode" messages in your System control panel, it just means you've probably loaded a DOS TSR in your config.sys or autoexec.bat. Normally, I'd just go on a mass deleting spree and wipe out the autoexec along with the io.sys file, but you can keep using that TSR while preventing Windows from going to 16-bit DOS compatibility mode through the Ios.ini file. Open it up in Notepad and under the [SafeList] category thingy, put your TSR's exe filename. For instance, if you're going to load Smartdrv.exe for some weird reason in the autoexec.bat, write SMARTDRV.EXE under that [SafeList] thing, and everything should be as cheery as Tony the Tiger. Grrrrrrr, or something like that. Very Grrr. And here's a tip from Axcel: in the Ios.in file, there's a [CDUnsafe] label too. Whatever .sys or any kid of DOS driver that makes Windows unstable should be put here. I'm not sure what will happen then, but it's like handing over a female criminal to a jail cell full of foaming racists; Windows would probably hunt down that driver, lick it's toes clean of corns, and just lock it out of memory or something so Win9x can be a happy pappy, running in a fake 32-bit Barbie world. I wish I could just lock out a lot of crap from my memory, but I deleted that IvanF.ini file long time ago.

Ok, I hopped on the wrong foot & I'm locked out of Windows because my HD doesn't like DMA mode.

Poor little bugger... but all is not lost because you can reset that registry without reinstalling the vile creature we call Windows. Normally, I would just have a backup system.dat and user.dat, I'll use the attrib.exe command to eliminate their read-only and hidden attributes, and overwrite my Windows registry with these two backup files... Whoah, I actually wrote a whole sentence without making a complete idiot of myself... yo fool, yoke... um, okay... Ok, moving on, there is another way to do this if you're too lazy like me to copy and paste two stupid files for backup. Go to your Windows directory when you're stuck in DOS (what dreams are made of...) and type in REGEDIT C:\IVANF.REG HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\ENUM\ESDI. I've always been fascinated by how regedit works in both Windows and what-rhymes with Dolores DOS, sort of like how Bishop loved looking at those face-hugger specimens in Aliens. You know, I was too afraid to watch Aliens3 at Mark's 13th or something birthday, but now I just don't get how I could be petrified by a white, slimy denture set coming out of a black, plastic head. Then again, I am still afraid of Al Gore so I shouldn't talk... Okay, if you backtrack to the regedit line I mentioned above, what that does is exports the \ENUM\ESDI regkey to the IVANF.REG file on your C: drive. The good thing is, the reg file is now in text format so you can screw around with its brain. The bad news is, you have to do the screwing... okay... Well, open the file up in Edit.com and find the line with: "DMACurrentlyUsed"=hex:01. Then change that that to "DMACurrentlyUsed"=hex:00 to disable that Diablo II (I can't get it, Victor! It's 500 bloddy megs!) DMA, exit edit.com, and type in REGEDIT C:\IVANF.REG to import your little soft ball back into the kurb. Boot Windows, and everything should be as preppy as a Linux system out of Caffeine.

Ok, I just watched Galaxy Quest & O, did it remind me of my modem & how Windows stupidly logs it.

Ya know, me c'est une avid trekker; I love sci-fi shows, whether they be Deep Space Nine, Aliens, Men in Black, or documentaries about Princess Diana. I just watched Galaxy Quest, and me gotta say, those geeks describe my life to the fullest. I'm telling you all; it's a conspiracy! Gene Roddenberry was really a starship captain, telling us all about his adventurers, and he faked his death to command a new ship with Elvis or something... right... Anyways, next on my list of dweaks is how to disable modem logging. You see, computers like mine, that have trouble running Microsoft Notepad for Christ's sake, lose a lot of processing power because Win9x logs whatever you do online. But to get that extra 1k of RAM back, you have to shoot down a horse at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\Class\Modem\0000 through regedit. Select the string key that has your modem and you'll see a reg entry with the name "LoggingPath" as its, uh, name. It'll have the location of your log file there (like, c:\windows\something yadda yadda.log) so vhat you vanna do is delete that address. Just leave the string value in the "LoggingPath" blank; no drives, no log extension, no legs. Stay off of your feet for a while and make sure you aren't horizontally disoriented, and you'll notice your computer running faster sometime by last year.

We live in such a mixed up world. Rabbits eat cows at night, and my Win3.1 runs faster than Win9x. Vhy?

Yeah, I still dread the day that I was sitting in my French room, bored as hell, and suddenly decided to snap. I started spouting out that "the rabbits are coming!" or some other crap load like that. They were invading... they were everywhere. Someone then looked at me with that screwed up, confused look that I so savour and said "Am I missing something here? Is there a literature reference that I should know about?" or something along those lines. And after she left, I thought hard about it and doggone it, I couldn't believe that she was right. There was a literature reference that she didn't know about, a little book I did for English class called One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I never got the chance to tell her that she was right; I always regretted that... so I named my e-mail address "rabbitattack" and started to harass her online. Oh, that's mature... Well, anyhew, stuff outside of my brain can be screwed up too. There are 2 main reasons why Windows 3.1 is so much faster than Windows98. The first reason is that it isn't filled with half a million lines of useless code; it may only has about a hundred thousand. And the second reason we can fix: we all remember the 32-bit file access found in Windows3.11 for Workgroups, right? The permanent swap file kept messing up, but hey, it was a bold experiment & test to make sure the swap files in Win9x would mess up daily too. Good going, Bill. Well, disk access is actually a lot faster in Win3.11 than Win9x because of file system synchronization, which is just a fancy word that means after a file is written to disk, Windows will check if its valid and ok. If you've got an asynchonwhatever system, files are not checked if they're ok, thus improving disk access time. However, this asych crap can lead to busted files and bad clusters going, well, badder. So if you want to check if you've got sync or no sync, have a beer at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Control\FileSystem. I recommend that you back up whatever you value before changing this setting; backup your cars, night lights, and that kid across the street if you have to (anything to shut his accent off). Ok, in the registry you should then see a DWORD key called "AsyncFileCommit"; if it has a value of 1, that means file sync is off and that async fever thingy is on. Of course, that means setting it to zero will give you slower access time but a safer computer. So this is where we Win9x users will draw the line: we have two options. We could A) turn file sync on and feel safe and secure with a slower but stable system. Or B), we can keep async on and never complain that Win9x is a step backwards from Windows3.1. Well, I choose option C): keep Windows tweaked for performance, let it crash every two minutes or so, and keep whining how bad their programmers are. See? We can have our rabbits and eat them too. Now if only I could get an e-mail back...

Oh, by the way, there's a much easier way to do this. Go to your system control panel, go into the file system area and the troubleshooting, uh, area, and there you should find the "Disable synchronwhatever buffer commit" check box thingy. Well, that's no fun... You get no bragging rights AND it's safe... well, almost... heh heh heh... uh, oops. I'm supposed to laugh after your hard drives get formatted. Um, I'm too lazy to delete so just pretend like I didn't say anything...

Ok, Apparently I forgot to talk about the MsDos.sys and the Io.sys in the Regular Win9x tweaks...

Um, I don't know how I missed that one... The Io.sys file has always been my favourite. The first time I deleted it, I must've been in 3rd grade or something. I just couldn't stand how there were hidden files in my root C:\ directory... We all know what the io.sys does now, right? It loads the input ouput hardware and basically is needed for anything without a personal bios & battery to run. Well, just make sure it stays on your computer so I feel better about it disappearing off of mine... Well, the Msdos.sys file has always been one of my favourites too. I edited it all the time in Windows3.1 since I didn't know how to get rid of its read-only properties in DOS back then. Well, modern users can just open it up in Notepad or something and add these lines: Doublebuffer = 1 (will enable double buffering and I have no clue what that does, but the word buffer always makes my head shine...), Bootdelay = 0 (so Win9x won't pause anytime during load-up), drvspace = 0 (so any bin files won't get loaded into RAM... unless you need them of course, which was another way I screwed up my computer way back then...), but most importantly, always have Logo = 0 in your MsDos.sys! ALWAYS! It disables that damn Microsoft logo at startup! If you don't get rid of it, I will send a pet goldfish or something to take you out and in real nice and slow...

But all of this is child's play; the real fun starts with the Bootlogging. You see, I normally log the booting of all VXDs and Dlls just to see which ones still exist and which ones are missing. Well, there's anything tool you can lay (uh, I mean "play") with: Bootlog analyzer, which should be downloadable somewhere on the net. What this does is it will coexist with your Bootlog and it will tell you how long each VXD and Dll takes to load. Think of the possibilities: if kernel32.dll or krnl386.exe loads slowly, just kill it and your loading time will be oh-so much smoother (but kids, don't... um, I mean, everyone try this at home... heh heh... um, I'm not supposed to laugh, am I?). Ok, first install the little freeware program and to activate it, just press F8 to get to your boot menu screen when Windows is starting to load, & choose to log your booting sequence. Your hard drive should go crazy as if it realized it had Windows9x installed on it for the first time, but that's normal... all computers have to learn sometime, as long as the motherboard doesn't fry, because that's only normal for me. Now, when all is sexed and done, check at the logs in the Bootlog Analyzer and you'll find all those nasty bastard files that were eating away at your loading time. Be careful whatr you wish for, because deleting one of these files could really screw up your computer; not deleting them will keep your computer working and will really shatter your dreams of raw, meaningless destruction. Sometimes the culprits are useless Tape Drive drivers and VXDs meant for old hardware you already upgraded (so you can delete this... hint hint... subconscious minds, you must delete Windows...) , but usually most of the slowest files belong to the internet or network systems, so be cautious. If you break a heart and leg, I am not responsible, but feel free to keep harassing the Microsoft toll support lines (if Bill Gates even bothers to keep them up anymore...).

My computer, my wife... Computer... Wife... Which one has the priority? Who's cooking reigns supreme?

If you ever read my http://support.mycrowsoft.com crap stuff, you'll find that I'm too pathetic to ever get a girlfriend, let alone a wife. So computer vs wife is a no brainer for me... As for that cooking thing, I got it from the Cooking channel's Iron Chief. You see, my mom won't watch anything other than politics or something with Chinese music or language in it and for the longest time she never watched anything but Chinese Journal... but I've found her Achilles Heel. Now she watches Iron Chief every week; it's fun watching her jaw slid down watching as cooks, uh, cook gourmet meals faster than I can use the microwave. Actually, considering it took me 15 years to figure out how to cook a meat pie in the microwave, I guess the Iron Chiefs don't really do much of an accomplisment... um, I just noticed I kept spelling "Chef" as "Chief"... hmm, too lazy to delete so I'll just pretend like I can actually spell... Anyhew, here's a quick dweak for the Coors Light at heart. In the computer world, giving your CPU priority power over everything else usually speeds up everything but games running under nVidia chipsets since nVidia first has to rule the computer before taking over the world. If you're one of those benchmarking junkies with a video card that actually can take screenshots (oh, boo hoo - I'm stuck on a Pentium 166 that freezes before the bloody damn benchmark can start...), go ahead and check out HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\VxD\BIOS in the registry. Create a new DWORD value called "CPUPriority" and give it a decimal value of 1. Then go ahead and see if you gain that extra 1fps that we all crave... Okay, so I'm the only one gunning for that extra 1fps, because 1fps plus my existing 0 fps makes a hell of a faster game that I used to run.

Um, I paid $120 bucks for Windows and I'm still stuck with a MsDos.sys file? Can't I kill it or something?

Actually, Ripley's Believe it or Not, you can delete it. You see, if you ever are bored enough to peep your tommies into DOS while Windows is installing itself, you'll notice that there's a little file there called Winboot.ini inyour root C:\ directory. Well, after the installation it complete, it should've commited suicide upon the sight of that Microsoft Windows logo, and who can blame it? But let's do a little laboto-ectamy something and bring it back to life. Poor little bugger; it can't even find rest in death. Simply save your Msdos.sys file as Winboot.ini and delete your msdos.sys (although I advise you to keep a backup copy of it if I want to live...). Window seems to like Winboot.ini better than the Msdos thingy so Windows should load a whopping 1 second faster than normal, but some of your DOS lovely flower crap may not take kindly to showers anymore. I really don't get why Win9x favours Winboot.ini over MsDos.sys; they look the same, are the same, piss the same. But I guess it's true, it's true: Windows9x is not colourblind.

Why do you discriminate against the good ol' System.ini? All because the Registry has more money...

Okay, I know this is off topic but I was for some odd reason reminded of how stupid I was back in Grade 11... I was getting 50%s on my Chemistry tests so when the mid-term marks came along, I expected to sort of have a low mark. I expected 50s or 60s (ok, that's low for me...)... When that 1980s dot matrix type sheet of paper slit into my hand, I stared down in shock and screamed out in utter disbelief, " I have a 80%?!!!". I mean, I had no clue why my mark was so high - out of 10 or so assignments, only 1 had breached the 75% mark! But you see, the rest of my class view me as the brainer of the school and when I screamed out "80%" in the midst of all my peers, I immediately knew they all hated me at that moment (and probably forever from that moment on...). They thought I was disappointed with my mark... they thought I was insulting their marks, discriminating against their intelligence... If anyone from St. Thomas Aquinas ever reads this, I just want to tell you that I try as hard as I can to be humble, & I beat myself with an ugly stick everytime my arrogance shows. Having high marks is a real burden. Seriously, they aren't satisfying because it does take a oh-so lot of effort to keep them high, and how can a lazy guy like me have fun getting 95%s or something when I'm forced to study like crazy glue for them? I know I sound arrogant right now, but that's my truth: that no-matter how goddam lucky you seem towards other, you're just as vulnerable and depressed as they are inside... I'm not special, no matter how much I trick myself into believing that, and no-one should ever trick themselves into believing I'm special either. Anyhew, I'd better move onto the system.ini tweak guide before soda cans start attacking me like rabid rabbits. As you can tell, most of the tweaks here on this page belong to the registry, but often we forget about the little people doing their jobs in the old Windows system.ini . Hey, you guys, sweating your algorithms down there in the Ice Age just to screw Windows up like we expect it to, this one's for you:

32bitAccess - keep it on... you don't want to go back to 16-bit DOS file systems, even if you're a lunatic who howls at the moon in History class like me

COMboostTime - this controls the communication buffer time; the default value should be 2 (ms) but if your keyboard lags about a minute after you type a letter, set the buffer to something higher like 4 or 8

COMxProtocol - the x is the com port you're talking about; there are 2 options, XOff and a blank space... keep it blank to improve your modem speeds, but if you keep getting corrupted data, you have to turn on XOff to stop the flow of, uh, not very nice data; this command is related to the COMxBuffer, which was talked about in the Daily Win9x Tweak guide

DMABufferSize - I'm not sure what the default size is, but I keep my Direct Memory Buffer at 64 (k) to keep my toilet, Sound Blaster, non-DMA hard drive, toaster that starts with a P, & I/O writes as tidy and bleach clean as I can

DualDisplay - normally, you'd keep this off but if you're one of those freaks like me who still use QEMM or 386max in an attempt to get more Conventional Memory to Win9x (I told you we were freaks...), you should keep this on to avoid Upper Memory conflicts or something with VGA, SVGA, and XGA graphics or some crap like that

EmmExclude - this command will prevent Windows from using a spot in Upper Memory, so let's say George was trapped in the I777-FFFF or something address range, we'd pop that address into this command to prevent his pounch from being squashed smaller than his brain

HardDiskDMABuffer - this command is only for Windows3.1, but I felt like popping it into my system.ini just to see the Win9x kernel fry... This is just 32-bit sort of version of Smartdrv for Win3.1, so set it to something like 32 or 64 k to keep cooking and be happy

KeyBoostTime - this has something to do with keyboard responsitbity... um, I mean, responsinbility... um, I mean, uh, you know - how quickly the keyboard responds or something... the default value is 0.1 ms, but I'm not sure making that number higher or lower makes your keyboard feel smoother like cobalt... And no, although I sound like it, I am not drunk, although I did just have a glass of milk... And for all you who are Sleepless in Seattle, I must proclaim that I do in fact love the Milk bags here in Canada, eh! Get down on your knees and beg to be wiped clean of bottles!... um, okay...

LocalLoadHigh - now this is one of my favourite commands... leave it to Microsoft to keep this at 0k, because I stuff it up with 12... that means 12kb of extra RAM will be allocated to the Win9x DOS Prompt's Conventional Memory, meaning maybe that Mercenaries game of my mine that requires 635k of Conventional might actually work for once... um, nope, just tried it again, but after 9 years of trying, I still have hope...

MaxBPs - well, I shouldn't talk about this command since Win9x deletes it every time you boot, but it has something to do with break point memory... don't know what that means, but Win3.1 worked better with this setting at 1024 bytes rather than the paltry default 200 or something...

MaxPagingFileSize - Well, me wasn't going to talk about this command either since I think we all can tell what it's for, but if you don't know, it controls how large your swap file virtual memory can get; both my MaxPaging and MinPaging options are set at 81920 or something kilobytes for a 80 meg permanant swap file... hmm, you know, what really got to me about the tech guys fixing my sister's laptop was that they kept leaving the swap file as a not-very permanant one! Geez, I thought keeping the swap file at one size was first on the basics list for computer maintenance. It reduces data fragmentation, improves file performance by at times double, and looks a hell of a lot better than a francophone boot shaking from cold water...

MessageBackColor - this one should be easy to guess... this controls what colour the Blue Screen of Death is, um, coloured... ok, maybe I guess wrong in the first place... the default is 1 (blue), but if you'd like a flesh coloured Screen of Death, play around with this setting

MinSPs - the MiniSPs deserve a tweaking section of their own because they're actually a lot more important than you think... this command determines how many free stacks Win9x has, and we all know how important stacks are to recursive programming, vight?... When Win9x reports you don't have any stacks free anymore, DOS's stacks= command does as much as, well, pepperspray stuck between your toenails, so if you need more memory, try setting the MinSP spare stacks to something like 4 or 8

MinTimeSlice - determines the minimum time in milliseconds a VMM can run without another one budding in and stealing the show; the default for a new VMM's priority is 20 milliseconds, but since we're so attuned to porno now, we can probably safely lower the minumum time to increase speed and still get all the bunking beds we need; however, although to me a lower value makes Win9x run smoother, I have heard that you should set the MinTimeSlice to 40 or 60 to increase game performance

PageBuffers - normally, Windows only reserves a 4k buffer for reading and writes to the hard drive, but you can increase this to as much as 32k if you're like a keyboard and you really feel a need to go

WindowsUpdateTime - um, right now I still feel high from watching X-men cartoon reruns so forgive me if I actually make logical sense, but this Windows Update Time thingy controls how long it takes in milliseconds or something to refresh the screen for DOS based programs; the default is 50, but although I'm too flourescent in the brain to comprehend right now, it is recommended to set this to 200 or something

I'm a Conservatist. When I see Baloogas, I make them Scream. I say, save the Tuna! Screw the Dolphins!

Well, I'm more of a Salmon type of guy, even though I can't swim uphill or anything... I probably mentioned this somewhere else, but I've heard that psychics feel souls eminating from humans, trees, animals, fish, and even the insects I end up swallowing every day. I bet GreenPeace is having their day now, smiling in their massive petroleum-guzzling submarines as if the North Pole says there's no tomorrow... I honestly believe in what these psychics are saying because if I believe in their other crap, why shouldn't I believe this? I shouldn't just believe what I want to believe... But then this raises the debate: if we shouldn't harm anything with a soul (according to my philosophies...), what can I bloody eat? Rocks? Salt? The Spice Girls? Hmm, to me, the pet rocks of the 70s seemed to have a lot more personality and soul than a chicken without a beak... then again, that's gotta hurt... but sorry activists; no matter what any person says, I'm still drinking milk - afterall, people can say marriage is just as much rape as a dairy farm is... Anyhew, I'm not a radical; I'm a scholarly conservatist, so to speak, and in Windows this can be a blessing... ok, back that up - there are no blessings in Windows. But this tweak is for everyone who uses a permanant swap file; you see, the problem with setting a permanant swap file over 128MB is that although Windows won't have to spend time resizing it anymore, your games may end up stuffing it's extra crap data into the swap file more than it should, thus slowing things down. Then again, if you set your swap file lower, little Soldiers of Fortune may not get as much blood as it needs... This is where the Conservative Swap File comes in; this commands tells Win9x to only use the swap file when all of your RAM is completely used up. Under the [386Enh] part of your System.ini, find or insert the line: ConservativeSwapFileUsage = 1 . For Win98 users, this may actually make Windows use all of your RAM, including everything over 64MB, which Microsoft seems to deny exists... Even though this disables Win98's PageFile Call Async Manager or something which was supposed to speed up Virtual Memory paging or something, you may now notice that your games never page the hard drive at all. So maybe Windows98 did have a decent memory management system afterall... Hmm, I guess Bill Gates is still just still pissed off that his predictions of no computer ever needing over 640k of RAM didn't exactly hold true... Uh, um... is it me, or is the font really weird in this section of the page?...Whoah, either this is the Twilight Zone, or I'm actually having brunch with Bill Gates...

Mapped Caches are like donkeys with elephants up their butts. Just like Martha Stewart.

And that's a good thing... Hmm, for some odd reason, I just recalled my first day of High School. It wasn't bad; all the classes were simpler than elementary school, the teachers still cared about you, and you only got Ninered if you were one of those SOBs who thought they owned the whole school. ...heh... just got memories of guys walking with limps on purpose... But then came that time to fly back home... I frantically searched around the front lot possibly dozens of times, but I still couldn't figure out which bus was mine. None of them had goddam signs on the front, and a dumb Grade 9 like me didn't know you're supposed to actually ask the bus-driver where they're going... So I settled to go on Craig's bus with a few tears here and there strolling down my cheeks (yes, me c'est pathetic - just like the Canadian Olympic 2000 team...), and I was forced to walk about 20 or so minutes in my uniform to get back home. I wasn't a happy pappy... But you can be one if you use a Mapped Cache. You see, Windows98 actually had a pretty smart idea to have an improved static cache that would help further eliminate the need for a swap file in systems with 128MB or more of RAM. That's when our buddy, Mr. Bill Gates, had to step in and you know, disable that feature to keep Win98 as inefficient as Win95 as possible... Well, you can reactivate this Mapped Cache by visiting the Charlotte Hornets at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\VxD\VMM in your registry. Since I don't have Windows98, I'm a little foggy after this point. You see, Axcel recommends that you delete the "MapCache" key if you have 96MB or above of RAM. Is it me, or is it a little weird that to enable the Mapped Cache, we delete it's reg key?... okay... and if you have 64MB or less of RAM, you're supposed to make that MapCache binary key in order to disable Mapped Caching and to free up all of your RAM... Well, I don't know. If you are one of those unlucky ones to have a Windows98 CD, check in the Mtsutil.txt file located in your tools\mtsutil folder. It should tell you how to do this Mapped Crap stuff... hmm, I know no-one will ever understand what the following means, but I've just got to write it down. Today, I was very scared. I've been scared for life from Burgundy, scared for life because of the Nique. And today I got freaked out when that same Burgundy twas seen on Rye. And geez, I had such high hopes... hmm... I guess ya'll come back now, you hear.

If you take the letters in "Win.ini" and you replace every one of them, you can spell "Keiser Bun".

...Um... I'll just pretend like I didn't say that... Right now I'm staring at my computer speaker set. I'm sitting right next to a GNT-5000 model from God knows when... It's a decent system, and you can't beat the price... but what really pissed me off was when the company went bankrupt just a few weeks after I bought this thing... You know, I have a tendency to buy from companies that are on the verge of croaking... I bought the CL Savage4, afterall, a Matrox G200 when it was believed to actually work, I still wish I had a Seagate Cheetah hard drive, and yes, I even wanted to buy an Aureal MX300 sound card... heh, I wonder if that's how I'm going to pick a wife... Well, I noticed this tweak myself a long time ago back when DirectX5 was actually believed to make games work properly (we all remember those really crappy Red Alert with DirectX2 and 3 days...), but after looking at Axcel's site, I decided that I might as well borrow some info from the best of the best. Well, actually, anyone can do this. Just open up your Win.ini file and you'll see a bunch of little DirectX settings like this:





Now, I have no clue why I listed those settings, because they're not tweaks. Their defaults are set at zero, and they should remain at zero to keep gameplay smoother than 5fps (or 0.5 fps in my case...). If you set any of those settings to 1 or above, the DirectX debuggers will start swarming in to try to make your game compatible with your computer... and think of it - Microsoft makes Windows, Microsoft makes DirectX... if they try to ruin compatibility with your computer through one of them, why not do it with the other too? So I'm not even sure if that debugger, once it swallows all of your RAM, will get DirectX games chugging along at all... hmm, having Microsoft behind the wheel really makes me feel go-confident for SGI's Farenheit... You can try setting the BreakOnAssert thingh to 1 to improve joystick speed. If you sound it out (Hooked on Phonics sucked for me), then keeping a zero there would probably improve compatibility and decrease speed... okay, that crap above ain't a tweak. It's research. But be patient, my young apprentice... the dark side of dweaking will soon come... um, about now... You can add this to your system.ini and yes, these actually are some tweaks. My old ATI Mach64 drivers seemed to put these settings into my computer, but I haven't seen them since:


BlockWrites will speed up memory writes, DDC is something called Display Data Channel and helps DOS 2d graphics I guess... 5-6-5 is not some new way to have sex 69 style, but forces 16-bit colour in DOS to use the kinda efficient 5-6-5 format, DevBMP is a device bitmap thingy and it speeds up some ATI cards, and I have no clue what that VAD thing does, but it's only needed if you've got a VGA feature connector like my cousin in Ottawa uses for his Dreamcast... Ok, maybe those weren't good dweaks, but, um... at least they were dweaks... heh heh, don't kill me, please... Now I know why only my ATI Mach64 drivers were desperate enough to use this ancient crap... By the way, you can use the Force Refresh thing in DXDiag to force your video card to use the refresh rate that your monitor is best at. For some odd reason, my CL Savage can't seem to get past 56 Hz, and even though I wanted to keep it at 75Hz, I decided a year ago to go freak an egg and force my card to run at 40Hz... Um, that didn't work oh-so well - even safe mode kept slapping me in the head every time I turned the other cheek... So that's when I said hello to my little old friends called the system.dat and user.dat backups... and, uh, well, that little guy called format.com...

I've gotcha SCSI Hard Drive, and it ain't got no DMA checkbox. Me don't have no grammer eachother.

Um, you'll be surprised how bad my friends' grammar not can yes get, and who's the blame? The teachers? Students? Parents?... Hmm, I don't remember anything good from elementary school except freezing my butt in the middle of winter recess, waiting in line for what seemed like hours to get back inside to nappy time. But one thing I loved about elementary school was how it promoted the arts (well, childish art). I was encouraged to develop my drawing skills, and I loved being praised for it. I probably thought I was the best damn artist in the world or something... I eagarly participated in the annual Remembrance Day poster contest, in which I'd, uh, have to draw a poster for, uh, World War Remembrance Day... The first year I did it (Grade 5 I twas in), I thought my drawing was the best ever... until the stupid board comittee tossed away my poster because they were disgusted that I put Ninja Turtles, a violent band of fighters, into my picture... um, while the winners got to put bloodshed and gatling guns, I couldn't put in my childhood heroes of the turtles? I mean, I owed the quartet everything - I even learned how to draw by doddling their faces!... Well, the tossing was okay, I guess - I mean, what the hell do Turtles have to do with World War 1 and 2 anyhew? So I tried again the next year, and submitted a poster full of red poppies and people from around the world holding hands around a massive peace sign... And guess what - they literally threw my poster in the trash. They bashed it to hell because they claimed that I copied someone else's work. Hmm, I've noticed see that lots of people say that about my work, but I honestly haven't copy if I say that I didn't. I can lie by instinct, but not on purpose... Well, my teacher had to fish my poster out of the garbage bin just so that I could get it back, and... well, I never made another poster for Remembrance Day. I didn't even care. Elementary School gave me confidence in my skills, but thanks to the goddam committee, I quit Visual Art class in High School after Grade 11. No-matter how many compliments I got for my work, I just couldn't be proud of what I made... except for that brownish 'Vandimark' paper-mache or something 16th century ship I helped make (the one about half a car long and a cardboard mast that kept falling off). I wanted to blow that thing up so bad with gasoline and a rabbit, but I had to settle for running it over with a truck... but that's another story... Whoah, that was a long rant. So I'll start a new paragraph for the tweak... whoah - a new paragraph? Now that's weird too...

Lots of us programmer-wannabes feel great that we own Ultra-Wide SCSI cards or ATA100 PCI controllers, but then we feel cheated that in Win9x system properties, our hard drives connected to these add-on cards don't have any DMA support. However, you can hack the registry to get back that lost speed by visiting the girl scouts at: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\Class\SCSIAdapter\0001 (and HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\Class\SCSIAdapter\0002 if you've got a second hard drive connected). Make sure you can see the "DriverDesc" string key or else this dweak ain't got no merit. Okay, now make a new binary key called "IDEDMADRIVE0" (that should be a zero at the end...) and give it a value of 01. This will enable DMA on the master hard drive, and just move up the number at the end for each of your other drives. Now you've known half the battle, GI Joe, so beat up the Transformers at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Enum\PCI\VEN_1103&DEV_0004&SUBSYS_00000000&REV_01\ BUS_00&DEV_13&FUNC_01 or something (the big number at the end will vary, depending on your add-on card's vendor code), and make sure you see the "DeviceDesc" key here or else this dweak ain't got no sweat. Make a new binary key here called "DMACurrentlyUsed" and give it a 01 to destine your drive for DMA heaven. Now reboot, go to your system properties, and that DMA setting will be right back there along with Microsoft's little plug and pray options... hmm, it would be funny if I made spelling mistakes on new key names for the registry... I wonder how screwy the United Gates of America would act then...

DirectX makes me Want to Cry. It has no place to tweak, no place mushy enough for 69...

Um... I would assume that's a good thing. Then again, I don't exactly know what the number 69 means... But I do remember crying a hell of a lot during elementary school. I thought I cried when I stepped onto the school bus for the first time; I was paranoid of seatbelts back then and didn't understand why I had to use them on the mini-bus... I cried during nap-time; I was afraid I might never get home if I died during my sleep... um, okay... I think I cried when I moved between cities; I still remembering staring out at that for sale sign for hours at night in front of my house... but it took so long for us to sell that goddam bugalow that by the time we moved, I was sick to death of feeling sorry for myself. I remembering crying the first day of school in my new, uh, school; my old friends weren't there, and Holy Family's school yard was a whole lot smaller than my old one. And those damp, dark halls smelled real peculier too... I cried when I lost the school limbo contest. I was the shortest Grade 2 at the time, so I got to enter the limbo contest with those arrogant little kindergarden bastards. I was the 3rd guy out, I think, and I tried to get back in line because I've never lost before, and I cried when the cruel bastard teachers sent me back to my seat... Oh, but the best time in my crying history was back in Grade 4, when my current best friend, Mark, beat me in a Nintendo game. I was so blindingly pissed that I didn't talk to him for a month until our teacher sat us down and sort of slapped us into being buddies again. I still remembering Mark chasing me around the yard at lunch recess, circling the portables like a shark, desperate to get me to act out Dragon Warrior sequences with him... God, we were geeks... And we geeks just love to tweak for the bragging rights; there's no better feeling than optimizing a swap file at school and earning tons of easy gloating all year round. And I know you can optimize DirectX through all those 3rd party .cpl DirectX control panels out there, but what kind of fun would that be? We've gotta do it the hard way, registry style. Figure out why the French speak with an accent at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\DirectDraw, and jingle along with these DWORD, decimal settings: "ForceNoSysLock" = 1 prevents sys-lock from turning on if you have a vendetta against caps lock like me, "DisableNoSysLock" = 0 is just the same as the option right above, "DisableMMX" = 0 enables MMX for everyone in the world who actually has a computer newer than mine, "DisableWiderSurfaces" = 0 is for 3d accelerators and I'm not sure what these wider surfaces are, and "EnablePrintScreen" = 0 will disable the print screen button in exchange for a tiny bit of processing power back. My computer is too damn ugly for me to take snapshots of anything, so let's freak an egg and move, shall we? "DisableInactivate" = 0 should disable multi-monitoring debugging programs to speed up frame rates, "ShowFrameRate" = 1 will always be fun and dandy to watch, but will really kill your fps, "ModeXOnly" = 0 should disable compatibilities with EGA and thus give more CPU priority to your 3d apps, "EmulationOnly" = 0 disables software rendering and debugging for maximum possible speed under DirectX (so you might get about 2fps of hardware acceleration), "DisableAGPSupport" = 1 is what I did with my G200 AGP because using system RAM for graphics just isn't worth it without AGP Pro bandwith, and "ForceRefreshRate" = 60 will force your video card to vomit out 60 fps at max, 60 fps at minimum. Many video cards can go up to 300Hz, but I don't think monitors like it past the 120Hz mark very much.

There's a bit more to this dweak, so swallow a sandwich at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Direct3D. Starbucks is offering sales on "DisableDP2" = 0 which enables Direct3d maximum acceleration. And if you'd like to continue choking on caffeine, go sue Starbucks for hot coffee at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Direct3D\Drivers where their label of "SoftwareOnly" = 0 that claims will keep hardware acceleration on for so-called optimal performance. I give out a lot of tech support for my friends, and considering most of them have crappy ATI Rage Pro cards with blazing fast (compared to my piece of crap) 450MHz processors, I usually end up recommending them to run games in software mode anyhew. It runs faster, and looks a hell of a lot better than having all those artifacts. I still remember what Need for Speed 3 looked like on my Matrox M3d; I don't know why, but the game seemed to get confused and switched the positions of the cars polygons with the trees.

LAN, WAN, and my favourite, DUN-AN Advanced Tweaks & Dweaks

I watched Aliens and now I'm afraid of that Hosts file. What the heck does it do? Does it implant embryos?

Um, I would like to say yes but then I would be telling the truth. According to Microsoft fanatics around the glove (no typo error there... honestly...), the Hosts file found somewhere in your Windows area holds all of the IP addresses that you've visited on the web. It acts like a local DNS, which isn't a very helpful definition for no-one but me. Okay dokay, here tis an example of something in the Hosts fike (um, that isn't a typo error either... uh, yeah...): 123.321.356.77 servername.hostname.com # Web Site Name, with the first part being the site's IP address and the servername thingy is, uh, probably the servername thingy. The Hosts file is useful because since you already know a site's IP, the next time you visit it, your server should be able to contact the site's server for a cup of kurb tea faster than before. I reviewed this drafting prospect lightly in my Internet tweaking guide, so I'll move on soon. But the tweak thingy here is that sometimes your Hosts file doesn't record a server's IP, even if you visit it something like, um, half times a day. So to do it manually (explicit photos just entered my head...), when you're connected to the internet, go to your DOS prompt and type something like "ping tweakui.mycrowsoft.com", without the quotations of course. It will return to you the IP of that beloved site which you can plop into your Hosts file whenever you get off from Jenny Craig. Just in case you actually paid attention to me, some sites have dynamically changing IPs so it's a good idea to ping them many times to find out most of their possible IP addresses. Punchline goes here. Damn, too lazy to think... of... one...

Surprises give me heartattacks. Like when I was shot in the leg, or when I couldn't find my ISP's MTU.

Yeah, that reminds me of Mork & Mindy. God bless America for not rerunning those reruns. But I saw over at Axcel's a way to possibly curb your MaxMTU phobia. Go to your ISP connection script file thingy in the Dial-Up Networking part of your My Computer. Go to it's properties, then your modem's configure button, and slip into something more comfortable in the options tab at the top. Check the "Bring Up Terminal Window After Dialing" checkbox thingy and close the properties. What this will do is as soon as you dial into your ISP and your account, not only will some hacker on the net steal your Credit Card number (like usual) but a big, black window will show up right in front of you. It will ask you to input your username and password, & you have to be careful here because your keyboard won't echo and show you what you are typing on screen. Once that's done, pick the PPP option unless you're running a Unix server or something, but I don't think any Unix people will be here, stuck reading a pathetic little Win9x tweak guide. Now you should get a message that both tells your IP address and your ISP's MaxMTU. Then you can just use my Internet tweaking guide to change your MTU to match your server's for optimal viewing pleasure. Check your cable listings to find out more. But I'm not sure if this MTU thing works for everyone; I've never tried it, so blame Canada if it doesn't do your thing. Oh, & eat Cheerios for breakfast. I hate that lifesaver-like crap, so eat it all before I get stuck with it. Because I'm afraid of cereal...

What the hell is STAC Compression? Maybe it means Skanky Tortoise Albert Killer?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I failed my grade3 spelling test. I still remember the big spelling bee back in Grade7; I was so nervous because I've also felt I was the worst speller in the grade, but somehow I made it all the way to the class finals... And then I got this word: Shakespeare... Uh oh, of course I knew who he was, but I also ended up skipping his name in the history books because it was too damn long... A girl directly in front of me kept pointing downwards at herself, but I was too stuck in suspended animation to go and make a pass at someone acting like a drunken prom date. And then I began to spell... in front of all my friends, and all my would-be enemies...: "S-H-A-K-E...uh, S-P-H-E-R-E... Shakesphere..." D'oh... Oh well, AOL, bye bye birdie. But the part I'll never forget came after that when I sat back down: the girl that was pointing at herself tapped me on the shoulder and made me look at her breasts... Well, close enough - her shirt. And I must've slapped myself silly there because on her chest in huge, bright letters were the words: "Stratford, Ontario - Shakespeare..." Uggh... Well, I have no idea how I got into this conversion but let's move on, shall we? I don't know what STAC stands for, but I do know that it's a type of analog modem (aka 56k V.92 or less) compression and it's faster than the standard Windows formats. Unfortunately, not all servers support it so this how you can find out. Go to your modem properties and uncheck your "Compress Data" thingy under the error control, uh, thingy in the advanced configure or something area, then log into your ISP. Once you've broken into your stolen internet account, right-click on that little glowing DUN icon on the bottom right corner of your taskbar & check your connection's details. If it says STAC compression is on, keep your modem the way it is (without that Compress Data thing on); if your ISP doesn't care about STAC because they're too lazy from coasting along with their Triple T3s, no doubt, you're gonna be stuck with that Compress Data, uh, Stratford upon Avon or something for a long time.... Ah, dammit, John, why couldn't I have won that Chocolate Bunny with those antlers? Nice guys really do end up last... or second. Well, either way, it's bad...

I have something called a "L-A-N" on my computer; weird, eh? Well, I have browsing conflict and...

You know wht really gets me? It's when people brag about how they can set up a LAN. You know why that gets to me? Because I haven't even tried to do it yet. Really, I have no desire to have a computers hissing at each other for superiority, fighting over who gets the proxies and who doesn't. I prefer the old fashioned way of settling things: cock fighting without beaks. Well, I personally have never installed a LAN or anything in my house, but I have set one up at my sister's university (heh heh, I introduced Puzzle Bobble to her university...) so hopefully I don't blindly guess at these LAN tweaks as I think I do. Anyhew, WinNT should have something called a Browse Master which can cause conflicts with Win95 or Win98 computers, depending if they've got browse mastering on as well. You should be able to figure out if you have it on by going to your Network/File and printer sharing option and seeing if Santa Claus laid an easter egg for you at the browse master option. If you turn this option to disabled, it'll probably solve the conflict. But then the network won't really be a network, not would it? So here's the deal: you give me a free network system, I'll tell you how to solve this. Kom-keesh? Deal. Okay then, first make sure all your computers have the same protocols installed. Simle enough. Mooing on (go cows go! Geez, I still feel so stupid for being obsessed with the cows back in Grade9...), if you have a Win95 system, set browse master to disabled; if you're unlucky enough to like Windows98, turn browse mastering on. Do not keep it as automatic, because weird Ghost Buster stuff will happen at night. You know, I just watched that movie for the first time last night and God, it was freaky... those computer effects really scared me; I mean, don't you think it's scary how we were terrified at that crap before? Well, I was. I had so many pansy nightmares about GhostBusters II... and that movie "Ghost"... uggh... don't get me started at how freaky that was in Ottawa... the clay! Oh God, the clay!... Anyhew, if you had WindowsNT, disable browse mastering in Win95 & win98 and enable it in WinNT. In short, whatever computer has the newest or best protocols, only enable browse mastering on that one. Think of it as a baseball game; Windows is a really bad pitcher who wants to control everything in the game, including the other players... so let's say Windows95 will throw a tennis racket at Win98 and so on... okay, so that wasn't baseball, but the theory still stands. Don't let the older, weaker OSs to try to control things with browsing because they'd act like Bill Gates; poking his big nose in places where it's not welcome. Now, to polish stuff off, on the master computers, just make accounts for all the little people and the browsing should be fine. And now, I have nothing in my head so I won't type a real dumb punch line here - honestly, I won't have a punch-line here. I'm not Engalish. Me don't speake Engalish. Sorrah.

I'm sick of having a 56k modem. Isn't there a way to use a buzzsaw and change it into a Cable Modem?

Sure there is. It's called selling out to the monopoly cable companies out there and enjoying high speed goddam access while I'm stuck with a 28.8 modem... If you can't tell, I'm a little bitter at Cable user... or anyone with above 31200 bps speeds... But although they may feel like they're on top of the world, I assure you they are not. Afterall, what kind of computer junkie would you be if you didn't have any bragging rights? Back in 1998 or something when Cable was still fresh off the boat, I was in my little computer possee and one person bragged how they downloaded 2 gigs of games off the net in a week. 'So what?' I scoffed. Why did it matter? It was easy for him - no challenge whatsoever; he had cable. That's when I pointed 0ut that I had downloaded 300 megs of crap off the net in the last week; sure I was ashamed of really looking more geeky than I do in the mirror, but at least I had my braggin rights; I was stuck on a goddam 28.8 software modem for Christ's sake! Who could beat that?... But that's when another stepped up to bat and I swear, I felt like mud had been smothered and, uh, smothered into my eyes; he claimed he downloaded Starcraft last week... on a 14.4 modem! That's when we all stepped back in submission and sulked our heads in defeat. He won hands down. Who could compete with that? And that's when I brought my old 2.4 kbs modem 0ut of the closet... Well, I'll end the memories there. I just read a real neat dweak at Axcel's site. Every Win9x computer limits your modem speed to 115200 bps, but there is a geez-cheese way of booting that a little higher. I'm not sure what kind of performance gain we'd expect since everything above 57600 is just neat compression tricks, but hey, at least it gives us bragging rights to have a 28.8 modem speeding at 128k ISDN speeds. Chew on your mouse at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\Class\Modem\000x in the registry, with the x being either 0, 1, or 2 - wherever your modem is stuffed into. Now, open up its binary properties and then you'll notice on the line that starts with 0018, there will be either a C2 01 or a 84 03 between the 7th and 10th digits. These weird hex numbers are that 115200 bps in disguise. Time to pluck the wings off of this coackroach: replace it with a 10 0E and voi-o-lala! You'll have a max connection speed of 921200 bps. Then Axcel tells us to do the same change to whatever is between the 24th and 27th digits of that same line while mentioning something like 0x128h. Since I sorta lost my regedit in the garbage bin last night, I can't really check this but... hey, if you screw your computer, at least you're screwing it with style! And yes, that does sound kinda good...

Axcel offers a better way of doing this. Open up Notepad and copy this into your, uh, notepad thingy:





Make sure that your modem is in the 0000 position or else you'll have to check your registry, blah blah blah something blah. Save this as something like ivanf921200.reg, double-click on it, and everything should be dandylion dandy in your registry. Just make sure you only do this on External modems because most internal modems only have 21MHz onboard CPUs or less and they may have some trouble exceeding 230400 bps. Now, let's all be good boys and girls tonight and not mess up our daddy's brand new, wee computer or something... Just had to write that in so I don't get sued a million times by next month for damages...

I Hit Myself with a Hammer Yesterday, and now I want more LAN speed and another hammer.

I was going to write something sexually nasty for the title, but... I'll keep this page open to all ages and not just those over 65... But besides the whole triple vagina thing, I was also thinking of my Great Pee Depression. There was an age in my life where I would take pisses for minutes upon minutes. Everytime the white piss stopped, a new colour of the rainbow would start gushing its way through. That really sucked at about 3 in the night when I wanted to get back to being a rock on the bed as soon as possible... I've often wondered why I haven't had a 5-minute piss or something since Grade 10 or something... Heh, that brings back old memories of Grade 10 Intro to Business Class when I'd keep stealing the show by talking about masturbastion 24/7... I didn't actually masturbate, but there were so many times when I, um, thought it was smarter to get rid of sperm on the brains while I was ready and willing, rather than letting it leap out by itself during, um, school or something... Ok, so I wasn't the brightest guy back then, but I can still boost your LAN and Dial-Up speeds. Now... um, I could've already explained the following tweaks before somewhere, but I seem to have the memory of a fish, so I'll recommend you to visit your Network Control Panel, go to your Ethernet's properties, go to its enhanced mode, and then say hello to its advanced tab. DMA Burst Length is recommended to be at 128 DWORDS or something, but you play with a setting such as 256 or even 512 to see the increased access to memory benefits your connection. Map Registers is stable at 16, but 32 and 64 will give you much more speed if you count, um, nothing as an increase in speed. No Cable Indication should be at zero, I've heard; I have no clue what that means, but always remember that an apple a day keeps the vagina away... that's why we don't eat appels... The Receive Threshold is often recommended to be at 512 bytes, the Transmit Buffers at 16, and the Transmit Treshold likes to be around 1024 bytes, although feel free to test these settings yourself and see if they actually work. I recommend you set most of these settings higher if you have more RAM, but I can't exactly test them out since, um, I don't have a LAN. All of these, um, tweaks are actually, um, guesses, so...

I ran into the desk there, and then one laughed. Just one. Now I'm driven to Tweak my MSTCP reg-key.

I feel for you man... Back in Grade 8, I was the talk of the French teaching community. I have a knack for acting stupid, so while doing a French oral presentation, I ended it by running like a mad idiot to the side of the classroom. My knees must've touched my face or something, because my face soon puckered with embarassment... but the class loved it. The teacher loved it, so I did something stupid the next presentation, and the next, and the next... Eventually we got to a small presentation & I couldn't think of anything funny to do, so at the end of the project, I... um, rammed my knee into the teacher's desk. One person laughed. Just one... they didn't know I did it on purpose, because it didn't relate at all to my presentation... Damn, my drive for appreciation drove me to new lengths of stupidity. These days in high school, I act stupid by jumping up 2 or 3 stairs at a time and opening doors with a slamming of my feet (I mean after I squeeze the door handle to open it a bit - stop thinking that I'm that weird...). In Grade 9, I tried to set every lock in the school to zero in hope that it would create an infinite magnetic field or something and thus break open every lock in the school... okay... These days, everytime I walk around, I purposely knock down, with my shoulders, any combination lock sticking out - I knock them flat onto their lockers... I seem to sadistically enjoy the negative attention I get from making a clanging racket or something... Anyhew, that drive to be noticed and known als0 compels me to try to make the best tweaking site out there. However, I'm a really pathetic tweaker, so most of my tweaks come from Axcel, and the following tweak is no exception. Microsoft has added a bunch of MSTCP tweaks into their registry in Windows98, but they remain dorment and useless until you paste this into notepad:







Okay dokay, now save that file as ivanf.reg, right-click on it in explorer, and merge it into your registry. Now visit HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\VxD\MSTCP in your registry and you should now see the TCP1323Opts, SackOpts. and BSDUrgent keys stuck like a pacifier swallowed into limbo or something... Uh, my computer is freezing from the raw kb size of this Advanced W9x tweak page, so maybe it's time to start a new dweak section... Anyhew, Axcel claims the optimum values have already been inputted by that reg key; I don't use Win98, so I can't test this, but these settings are supposed to make your internet connection fly... Heh, I thought about doing that one for French class too... I was on the second floor, and I often thought about trying to fly out the window... These days, I just stare at the locks on my car doors and get the urge to jump out onto the highway... But don't worry - I'll still be here for years to come to piss off everyone who can't stand how stupidly I write... hmm... now that's the kind of attention I like...

I am Addicted to TCP/IP Settings. Me already part of AA and AAOL. Sooner or later, I'll need the CAA too.

Me c'est sorry. The tweak that you are requesting is not available at this moment. Please leave a message after the tone, or watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie. Thank you, and please try again.

Windows9x Security (Networks, Cd-Keys, and other Mycrowsoft crap like that):

Screen Savers suck. They freeze my computer, & I'm stuck watching password-protected Teletubbies.

Geez, I thought Jay Leno had it rough... I feel sorry for you. You should visit AA or the CAA or something to let out the stress. Um, that doesn't sound good... Well, I personally hate screen savers. I think I already explained how Win9x's seizure-starting refresh rates eliminate the use of screen savers, so I'll keep this brief. Everytime I go to RadioShack, I get sick of seeing how everyone just doesn't trust me with computers. I mean, they think I'll hack it and ruin their property or something. But that's not true; I'll only rip apart my own IDE cords, thank you very much. And I hate their screen saver passwords; it's easy to just reset the computer and go play Duke Nukem on it that way, but if you're a guy like me that will always resort to the hard way for better bragging rights, try this. For Windows 3.1 and Win95, you can just press CTRL-ALT-DEL, then press CTRL-ESC to escape to the Windows Menu Bar. Now, that's still the easy way to do it and everyone has bragged about that once in their lifetime. But -sniff sniff- future generations will be denied that right, 'cause if little Compucentre or something has beefed up security with Win98 or something, you'll have to visit HKEY_USERS\.Default\Control Panel\desktop in their registry. In there will be the string key "ScreenSave_Data"; I think the password is encoded so you can't figure it out, but to get rid of it, all you have to do is delete the key. That tis all. It's like blowing dust in your eye; all better after the dust, well, blows in your eye. Um, Parent Trap... you know... right...

I'm trying to hack back into my Windows but I can't reinstall it because I lost the $120 CD key.

No sweat, Mr. Taco Bell. There are plenty of places in the registry where your CD-key is located for a rainy day. Now, I have no clue why Microsoft would just let us go into anyone's computer and lick off their Win9x CD-key beats the warez out of me, but if you've gotta go, you've gotta go. You can check HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\ProductID (which is what I usually do just for the smell of it), or if you have Internet Explorer 4 or above installed (I shed yard the day that happens to my computer... huh?), take a bite out of HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\ProductID. If you installed Windows95 Plus because you actually thought Windows Themes were fun, the Cd-key is also stuck at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Microsoft Plus!\Plus!\Registration\ProductID and if you're were really bored and you actually placed Windows98 Plus within 60 metres of your computer, your precious, priceless CD-key is happily married at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Plus!98\ProductID. I don't have Windows NT so me can't confirm delay this, but your CD-key should be at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\ProductId. Now, if you've got a fast CPU that can actually load regedit in less than 30 minutes (my computer actually did that once, I swear it did!), just do a reg search for ProductId and every CD key should rear its X-men ugly head at you in no time.

I'm really bored today, and someone said I was drinking PMS, so here's how to break MS Key Codes.

I'm not even going to bother much with this with this s0-called tweak... But for some odd reason, I was just reminded of Grade 10 when my teacher, Mr. Cherubini, brought in a car's rear view mirror for the English lesson of the day, and that's when I realized how great of a teacher he was... Anyhew, here's how most 1995-1997 Microsoft CD-Keys work: the first 3 digits can be anything you like, and the sum of the last 7 digits have to be a multiple of 7. Windows95B can take 111-1111111 because the 7 ones at the end can be factored by 7. MsOffice97 seems to take 1112-1111111. And just because I'm really bored today, here's a generic CD key that should work for both Win95A and Win95B: 21995-OEM-0003121-88888. If this looks like it's missing a character, add a zero after the 3. Thank you, and please dweak again.

I'm sick of how pressing ESC bypasses all mu logon security. I don't want Big Brother to watch my prune!

Slow down, Mr. Orwell or Orville.... vhatever. I'm sure you're rolling happily in your grave right now. Realism TV is just sitcoms with real people; even if they are not scripted, the interviews and those money bribes force the participants to make things much juicer than they are. Even if the environments are real, I'm sure there is no danger because if I were a producer, I wouldn't want the lawsuits for letting someone die on camera while taking a real, long piss. If you really want to watch real-life soap operas or something, go tape Jerry Springer or something and learn from their examples. I really hope Survivor II doesn't survive long in the ratings... Anyhew, I've grown mucho tired of hearing stories where the dad or mum takes hours upon hours to set up a password system on their computer to lock out their kids, and then they notice that their infant daughter has full access to the system after just a minute or two. Although it is possible the children do it through telekinesis & poltergeist wannabe crap, I think it's kinda more plausible to believe they just pressed ESC to get past that worthless Win9x logon screens. I mean, everyone seems to brag about being able to do that, as if that were an actual accomplishment or something; but honestly, how can it be something to boast about if there are more ways to break into Windows than there are bugs in the Win9x kernel? Anyhew, there is a way to lock out the cancel ESC button on the logon screen. In regedit, go to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Network\Logon. If the "Logon" isn't there, make it with a DWORD value named "MustBeValidated" (without the quotations of course; only a Fox Network watcher would mess that up). Double-click on the DWORD, and change the value to "1" to force all users to enter a password or something, then reboot and have joy-joy feelings. Now instead of taking one minute to get through your system, the kids will take 2. Now that's something to buckle the seatbelt for.

Oh! Ah! You made a File "Hidden"! Oh, I'm scared! Whatcha gonna do next? Eat a pack of Rabbbies?

Um, that could've been more effective if I just knew how to spell properly... What the hell is a Rabbbie anyhew?... Well, don't we all hate it when we make a file hidden, and then a grade 6 who thinks he/she knows it all comes along, gives us that smirk, and then flips the light switch on to make Windows see hidden files? Well, there is sort of a way to prevent the so-called know-it-alls like me from accessing your folders. I've gotta thank Axcel for this tip, because I never would've figured it out. Go ahead and rename your folder, but at the end, hold down the alt button and type in 0255 on your keypad. What that'll do is produce the ascii character: . For some odd reason, all Win9x versions can't seem to read the folder then, so make sure you don't rename your folder within Windows or else hell will break loose and Bill Gates will walk amongst us once again. Y9u (cool, did you even notice that the o was a 9? iMac didn't...) can only open it through the real DOS prompt so make sure you have a bit of experience with the only operation system that I loved more than my mother... well, sort of. If it didn't start with the letters MS.... Well, doing the 0255 trick will prevent people accessing it from Windows, but they can still see it. So you have to make it hidden from within DOS. I'm not sure when I'm ever going to get that DOS tweak guide up, so I'll tell you have to do that stuff here. The MD command makes directories. The attrib command is what makes files seen or, well, not so seen. I forget how to use it right now so I'll let you tinker with the American pie.

Everytime I delete Win9x, it keeps coming back. Everytime I delete Ricky Martin, he keeps coming back...

A story all too familiar... Hmm, I wonder how many of you out there are sick of my stupidity by now? Who here can't stand reading my little rants and personal memoires? Raise your hands right now so I can gnaw at your shins or something. And no, for the last time, Baseball does not deserve an Emmy, or even one of those Grammies; I don't get why so many of you think it counts as a sport... Well, anyhew, we are all addicted to Windows now so there's no real point in formatting your hard drive sixty times to get rid of it; it'll just come back sooner or later. Of course, if you're really bored, that could be kinda fun. Just make sure you format all your boot up floppies too... Well, there is a way to get rid of some annyoing Win98 features like the Scheduled Task thing and that Web Folders, uh, folder wannabe. Try to not look under the Sailor Moon skirts (uggh, I hate that game...) at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\explorer\My Computer\NameSpace in your registry (not that registry...). To delete Scheduled Tasking off of your infested computer, delete the {BDEADF00-C265-11d0-BCED-00A0C90AB50F} key. To delete Web Folders and maybe bring a little bit of that yellow crow back, delete that {D6277990-4C6A-11CF-8D87-00AA0060F5BF} key. And just for the record, you can permanantly screw up someone's Dial-Up Connections by deleting their Dial-Up Networking folder by licking apart the {992CFFA0-F557-101A-88EC-00DD010CCC48} key, but don't do that because as much as I want Internet Explorer to have no practical use at all, I do love my modem... it's been modulatidly or something screwed since Day 1 and I can so joy-joyly hear every phone message in my house through my computer... I was thinking about buying a V.92 modem for a while, but I later forgot about it. All of us are going to be on pirated SDSL or something sooner or later anyhew...

I'm scared of the Exorcist, I'm scared of the Macarena Dance, & I'm freaking from that Timesink DIR.

I still haven't seen the Exorcist... actually, I'm terrified of even the Sixth Sense because, um, I'm still afraid of the Dark, so to speak... I mean, I'm pretty pathetic considering I was scared of Buffy the Vampire Slayer before... Speaking of pathetic, I was just reminded or something that happened to me on my school's pavement playground back in Grade 5 or 6. I was chasing some guy, and because my white, laced shoes were, um, about 4 years old, the bottoms were not very gripful and I sorta slipped on a rock while making a sharp turn and I, um, feel backwards right on my skull. My head is pretty hard, though - it took the punishment and didn't hurt at all... then again, I couldn't feel it either... But my back was killing me, as if some dentist was drilling away at each and every centimetre of my spine. And even though there were about 5 teachers on duty outside, no-one came to help me, so after laying motionless on the ground, I got up by myself and walked 5 minutes with a broken back up to the Nurses' Office. Inside, I expected to get a bed to lie on at least, but that spot was taken by a little girl with a toothache. And she got all the attention, so I was forced to stand in Sick Bay for about 10 minutes without any help, until I just said screw it and left to chase my friend again... And now I'm scared of all white shoes, and scared of rocks too... But most of the time, a side effect of that touching story is that I, um, get pissed off at stupid advertisements that clog up our internet connections... I don't see the connection between the two, but... Anyhew, hopefully you don't have that Timesink directory on your computer, but at one time I did & I got sick of deleting it everyday so I visited Axcel's amazing tweak site to find out how to blow the dir up. So in your registry, search for "Timesink" and delete every key that comes up. Then start a new reg search for "tsadbot.exe" and delete this pesky exe that loads the search for ads everytime you log onto the net. Then finally, open up your Win.ini and delte any "tsadbot" crap stuff there, and reboot. I had figured out the first step to this process myself, but that tsadbot thing is thanks to Axcel. Now if I could just get rid of that AMC directory... maybe I can eliminate that crap thing the same way?... Well, there's also another ad culprit called "Cd_load" so look up that exe and delete it. Then visit HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software in your registry and delete anything with the word "Cydoor" in it. Next stop on the massacre express is HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Run and make sure you bite off the head of anything with "Cydoor" here too, and that should alleviate the symptoms of the commercialization of the internet... for now... until we computer geels all scrap our so-called loyalties to keeping a free world wide web for a piece at the world wide money market... and trust me, although I say I'd prefer to work for free, that's only because I can't stand working for a boss... and if I could earn a million bucks without someone looking over my shoulder, then who knows what I'd do, or what any of us would do, no matter what we believe our priorities are...

I'm bored. I just stole a copy of Linux from Microsoft, and now I want to move Office2k w/o reinstall.

Sounds like my buddy, Victor - he has a compulsive disorder to format his hard drive, than swear at himself, than reinstall Windows again... Ummm... I just got back from my English midterm for 2000, and it wasn't bad... but me prancing up the stairs looking like an idiot (with a certain someone smirking at me at the top) really reminded me of why I argue that technology has made us happier... You see, in Grade 11 English, I argued in a debate that technology made us happier. However, I wasn't up against just 3 or 4 people; because there wasn't enough groups, mine had to confront the entire class. Just think of that - an entire classroom of teenage angst, blaming their problems on parents, stock markets, and technology... Eventually they proved that I was showing how technology has made lives easier and not happier - and they were right, because how could we be happier if we never suffered in the first place? If we can't compare between technology life and non-tech life, how can we measure if we're happier? It's just that with the entire class screaming at you for about 50 non-stop minutes about nuclear threats and comments about how I thought I was so damn smart, it can really get to your ego... At least I answered Duarte's comment that technology was making us lazier. I beat that comment by saying calculators do the easy crap for us to give us time to do more complicated stuff. However, before I mentioned that, I was pulling my hair, saying that I should've told my answer to my group so they could answer it in class... God, I was stupid for making my group look stupid... I was sobbing for weeks after that day, banging my head on lockers, waiting for a goddam second chance to redeem myself... but it didn't come, and it wouldn't have helped anyhew because I was a horrible leader. That's why I would never want to be Valedictorian; I hate speeches now because I can't motivate others if I can't motivate myself. That's also why I argue to everyone that technology does not make us unhappier, at least. Because in a sense, I'm still trying to win that debate that ended 2 years ago. I'm still deprived of pride, and I'm pretty pissed off now...

Ok, that's a tangent if I ever got on a secant. Anyhew, let's say you want to move RealPlayer or something to another drive or a 64-letter directory or something. Open up your Add/Remove Programs thingy and check what Win9x calls your program; in this case, the uninstall program will probably call it RealNetworks RealPlayer Plus. Next, go to your regedit and do a search for every single one of the words in that uninstall name. Look up "RealNetworks" for instance, and everytime your find a reg key with the directory path in it, just change it to the new dir thingy. Next thing you have to do is check any .cfg, .ini, .dat, or even those annoying .log that I keep deleting for dinner for references to your programs DIR. This tweak ain't really a tweak, but is common sense for a computer freak. Most people find this crap out by themselves in a day; I think it took me a year or so to get my first one completely right. So if you're one of those types that figured this crap out by yourself, shut up and stop bragging to yourself. You're starting to sound like I would've if I felt I had won that damn debate...

Me Dad just locked me out of his nuclear weapon files through Poledit. How can I reg my way through?

Okay, this tweak sort of thingy comes from Axcel so blame him if you start World War7.3 . Visit your grandma at HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies in that God-awful Windows registry of yours. Now, a good little bad computer would have the following subkeys: Explorer, Network, Ratings, System, & WinOldApp. If they aren't there, shoot him... Uh, I mean, make those keys... That reminds me of something dumb I really (yes, really) said in school. To make conversation sometime around Hitler's birthday, I said & I probably quote, "Massacres can be fun"... Geez, they're fun to watch but if anything like that happened to someone I knew, then those little fake, flashing pictures on that oh-so tiny, unrealistically stagnant TV will suddenly become oh-so digitally clear to me. It will be life-size. I would never be able to turn away, or flip the channel, or anything else resembling being cross-eyed. I will smell it for once, taste it twice... It will be real, and then I'd say Massacres sure aren't good for the economy, sure aren't good for business... Well, I do a lot of dumb things and say a lot of Do-diddly dumber things in programming class, & I'll teach you all here how to be as dumb as I am and let loose your destructive side. God I love that free cluster command... If Poledit hasn't been used yet on your system, you'll have to make DWORD values in the sub-keys. You have to give them decimal values, with 1 to disable access to that area of Windows and a zero to allow that computer savvy, thinks he/she knows it all 6-year cousin to roam unrestricted in that free agent land. Well, here's a list of DWORD values straight from Axcel for the Explorer subkey:

ClearRecentDocsOnExit = enable/disable Clear of Recent Documents upon exit; you can do this in TweakUi too
DisableRegistryTools = enable/disable Registry Editing tools; don't disable this or regedit won't work
NoAddPrinter = enable/disable addition of new printers; don't let your laptop get stuck with all those LAN printer drivers or else it'll end up like my sister's computer that couldn't even find it's PPP dlls anymore
NoClose = enable/disable System Shutdown; why wouldn't you want to see Windows kill itself for a night?
NoDeletePrinter = enable/disable existent printers deletion; I have a tendency to delete every printer before I go to bed, so I'd better put a 1 here to sort of lock myself out...
NoDesktop = enable/disable ALL items on Desktop; I'd rather delete all the shortcuts, but hey, this works too
NoDevMgrUpdate = enable/disable Windows 98/98 SE web Update Manager; God, please disable that awful WindowsUpdater thingy! It keeps harassing my stupid Start Menu until the tab button has nowhere left to hide
NoDrives [hex] = enable/disable ANY Drives in My Computer/Explorer/IE; ok, so if you can't see any hard drives anymore, how are you supposed to run anything? Good... maybe Windows won't run too....
NoFind = enable/disable Find command; you'd better lock this out or else someone who just presses F3 on the desktop could get complete access to your system
NoInternetIcon = enable/disable Internet Icon on Desktop; to completely lock out someone, you'd better not leave any icons lying around or else they can hold shift, right-click, go to open-with and open up any program in the computer
NoNetHood = enable/disable Network Neighborhood; die you stupid LAN system! Why won't you just be a good puppy and die?...
NoRecentDocsHistory = enable/disable Recent Documents in Start Menu (Win98/IE4/5 ONLY); I now have a compulsive disorder to clear the recent documents area every 2 minutes or so; see? I did it again, & I didn't even have a document shortcut there...
NoRun = enable/disable Run command; you don't want your little James Bond without teeth to just push hard on the Windows button and R, to load any program on your Borgasm (huh?), do you?
NoSaveSettings = enable/disable Save Settings upon exit; disabling it may provide an infi-something really small tesimal speed boost, so if sex was like a bottle of water, don't let Windows drink and save
NoSetFolders = enable/disable Folders in Start Menu -> Settings; I have no clue what the Folders thing is, but maybe that's because I'm stuck with the Beast from the Western East: Windows95
NoSetTaskbar = enable/disable Taskbar in Start Menu -> Settings; oh, this sounds like fun! Mass carnage of the Windows GUI always sounds like fun!
NoWindowsUpdate = enable/disable Windows 98/98 SE web Update; kill it! Kill it till it dies from it! I won't rest till Windows either has sex or blows itself up!

...Um, me sorry for getting carried away. I always sort of become a loose cannon everytime I see a guy on TV become free of a hostage situation... Go Regis go! Well, until you're paired with a new person, that is. Well, for all those who still haven't browsed to another site by now, here's the subkeys in the System, uh, subkey thingy:

NoAdminPage = enable/disable Remote Administration tab; I'm not sure what this does, but I have everything that has the words "Remote", "Administration", or "and" in it...
NoConfigPage = enable/disable Hardware Profiles tab; well, anyone can get into the system control panel by finding its .cpl file, but I know how shocked I was once when I realized the school had actually blocked me out of deleting their bus mastering drivers! Oh well, the Network shared files are always open for business...
NoDevMgrPage = enable/disable Device Manager tab; okay, now we're just killing the only part of Windows that I like; I have Windows on one side and mass destruction that I like on the other; is life unfair of vhat?
NoDispAppearancePage = enable/disable Appearance Display tab; I guess the teachers didn't like it when I screwed with the patterns, & I didn't like it too so I never did it
NoDispBackgroundPage = enable/disable Background Display tab; I did, however, change the background a few times; Conor put bubbles or something in the back, but I couldn't get enough of those invisible dots... those were well worth the twenty or so pesos I paid for it or something
NoDispCPL = enable/disable Display Properties applet; dang! So Poledit was what prevented me from screwing with those refresh rates! But c'mon, guy sirs from the government who lock out the computer! I can still mess everything up by going to the dosprmpt and licking the letters off of the system.ini! Why can't we all just get along & let me break the computers apart the easy way? Uggh, I hope I'm not starting to sound like those annoying hackers who keep braggin about their I luv You viruses...
NoDispScrSavPage = enable/disable Screen Saver Display tab; I hate screen savers... they're like the Microsoft of Computer Software: they, uh, are software... um, yeah, that's right....
NoDispSettingsPage = enable/disable Settings Display tab; don't disable this please! I'd only help the computers stop blinding me with 50 Hz refreshes or something! Please let me play with this dingaling!... Uh, maybe I've said too much...
NoFileSysPage = enable/disable File System button; vhat's this? I cannot remember, because I Know What You Did Last Summer is playing on TV downstairs and every show where Buffy gets kicked around is good enough for me; and if you ever read this, Meagan, yes, I love Buffy too; I mean, who wouldn't like a girl who's strong enough to beat up a giant snake and 200 year old Vampires but is enough of an airhead to smear her pen stains all over her notebook?
NoPwdPage = enable/disable Password Change tab; I wouldn't disable this if I were you, sir... either way, all I have to do is put in either a key logger or one of those pathetic trojans at the start of the year and we'll all be set for Y2k negative zero one or something... But no, I never liked Willow much. I mean, why are they getting her into that whole bisexual thing? She's only doing that because she still hasn't gotten over Oz, she's still jealous of Xander's sex with Faith, she's emotional ly distraught that Buffy is ignoring her, and I guess she likes Tara's huge forehead or something; go ahead and read my notes at
http://support.mycrowsoft.com if you want to know more about how I feel about sexuality stuff, but I think I stay pretty clean of trends... oops... um, you're not going to hunt me down now, are you?...
NoProfilePage = enable/disable User Profiles tab; Hmm, this sounds interesting... I never use passwords on my system because they only teach & force young hackers how to hack better, but I'd love to see the look on their face when they finally get back into the restricted Passwords control applet, only to find no tabs there and my ugly face gnawing at Kibblets in the corner...
NoSecCPL = enable/disable Password applet; then again, if I can get through Poledit & into the password applet on my first try, then anyone can...
NoVirtMemPage = enable/disable Virtual Memory button; why can't they just let me make a permanent swap file or something? Back in Grade 9 (although no-one believed me that I did this) the library's computer didn't work because it was saturated with 1.2 gigs of IExplore cache files! So I did the noble, evil hacker thing and went to real MS-DOS (gotta love those tiddly winks!); I used deltree to get rid of everything, and when I rebooted the school's computer, Windows worked as well as a newborn baby singing with the Village People (yeah, I know - that's still a lot better than normal Win9x); anyhew, the whole crisis could've been adverted if only they hadn't put a variable swap file on that 8MB of RAM machine (hmm, 8MB of RAM with a 0.5MB swap file... That's enough to load something like the first dll for IExplore)

God, it's hot in my room right now. Air conditioning apparently hasn't moved into my house yet and never will because, omigosh! My parents learned it requires money to cool the house down! Next thing I know, they'll rip out the furnace to save heat... & the strange thing is, when I read this back to myself in Summer, I'm gonna wish I was right back here, sweating to death like a pig swallowing an orgasm... Um, anyhew, here are the subkeys for the Network subkey place holder:

DisablePwdCaching = enable/disable Password Caching; I've always hated password caching; not only does it make it easy for a little hack applet to search the registry for your password, but it makes so many of us too lazy to remember the passwords we type in
NoNetSetup = enable/disable Network applet; that's okay, I know what files the LAN requires anyhew...
NoNetSetupIDPage = enable/disable Identification tab; since I've never made a LAN myself, I don't know what this is for but it's probably got something to do with that identification tab...
NoNetSetupSecurityPage = enable/disable Access tab; Why can't there just be a bloody reg key to disable Windows? Oh wait, there is - it's called rip out the hard drive and feed it to your gerbil
NoFileSharing = enable/disable File Sharing button; I'd like to kill Linux too because it just seems like an elite society to me; like when I'm on game forums, I hate how modders always revel at how marvelous their work is & I'm really afraid how much merit the Linux kernel can give to all those boasting programmers better than me out there...
MinPwdLen = set Minimum Password Length (integer number: 0 - 99); Apple is okay, & I liked their originality with the iMac and their Cube & I've always respected them because their GUI was ripped off by Microsoft's Windows 2.0... then again, Mac ripped off their OS from Xerox, and Xerox ripped it off from drawings on the wall, and the wall ripped it off from a Victoria who had a secret, and the list goes on
NoPrintSharing = enable/disable Print Sharing button; I wonder what BeOS is going to be like? For now, I love those guys for making the operating system free, but c'mon! I hate the name! When I was looking for my Tyan motherboard, I told a store worker that I would avoid Linux and try "Be - Oh - S"; he simply scratched his head, delibrately waited for me to look dumbfounded, then stuck his chin up and corrected me to boost his bloody ego: "OH! You mean 'BEOOOS'"... ah, stupid pronounciation & high heels... Oh well, AOL, I still prefer to call it by my personal name for, um, it: "F - U, B - S" (Free for Users, Be-O-S of course - vhy? Vhat vere you thinking?...)

And there's just 2 DWORD entries in the WinOldAPP thingy and since my tongue is starting to sweat, I'll keep these brief:

Disabled = enable/disable MS-DOS Prompt; no! I implore you - don't kill the DOS! It's the only good thing Microsoft has ever made! Oh, I remember those days when I was in Grade3, using memmaker and editing those stupid Lh settings in the autoexec.bat to get more Conventional Memory... But I could never load enough crap out of the Conventional and into the Upper Memory to run that Mercenaries & Laser Squad game of mine, and I always got pissed at that stupid 384kb of Reserved RAM; Reserved for what? My bloody Wing Commander 2 game wouldn't work because I was out of RAM under that 1MB mark!
NoRealMode = enable/disable Single MS-DOS Mode; not sure, but when these DOs, you've got cheese, you've got choice

There are also subkeys in HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies but most of them are exactly the same as the ones listed above. It has 3 subkey thingies to screw you over: Explorer, Network, & system. And instead of using DWORD integer values, it uses Binary hex wannabe thingies, in which 01 00 00 00 disables access to a thingy and 00 00 00 00, I assume, is like the liquor cabinet that opens it up. And before I go, I think I'll suck up more of your ISP connection's bandwith by writing some of the DWORD settings in this Explorer subkey golf three-holes in one course thingy:

ClassicShell [hex] = enable/disable Active Desktop shell EditLevel = edit security level (integer number: 0 - 4)
EnforceShellExtensionSecurity = Take one frigging guess NoActiveDesktop = enable/disable Active Desktop
NoActiveDesktopChanges = enable/disable changes to Active Desktop; turn it off! Anything Active from Microsoft can't be good for cock-fighting
NoChangeStartMenu = enable/disable changes to Start Menu; heh heh, they won't lock me out for much longer now...
NoClose = enable/disable closing IE GUI NoDriveTypeAutoRun [hex] = enable/disable cd-rom Autorun command
NoEditMenu = edit/don't edit Start Menu NoFavoritesMenu = enable/disable Favorites folder display
NoFileMenu = enable/disable Explorer/IE File Menu; to kill Internet Explorer... might be worth swallowing that Diablo II CD... ah, hell, we'd do that anyways
NoLogOff = show/don't show Logoff Menu in Start Menu -> Settings; huh? There's a logoff menu in Settings? Geez, i really have to check my eye prescription
NoNetConnectDisconnect = enable/disable DUN Connect/Disconnect; in the many, immortal words of Conor: "joke"
NoNetHood = enable/disable Network Neighborhood NoSetActiveDesktop = enable/disable Active Desktop
NoSetFolders = enable/disable Folder settings NoSetTaskbar = enable/disable Taskbar settings
NoStartBanner [hex] = enable/disable Logo banner upon IE start; mmm, disabling advertisements is better than sex...
NoStartMenuSubFolders = show/don't show subfolders on Start Menu
NoTrayContextMenu = show/don't show Context Menu for Tray items; I don't know what context means but that's because I don't know how to spell the word Dik-see-on-nai-ree
NoViewContextMenu = show/don't show Context Menu; I don't want to see a Borgasm either, but he keeps posting it up on the walls... aw, you'd get it if you were in my Grade 2 Religion class...
NoWindowsUpdate = enable/disable Windows 98/98 SE web Update; do it! Look it in its, um, eye and spit already! Kill that bastard? Yes you can! Kill that bastard? Fan that LAN, uh, thingy!... uggh, I was never good at rhyming... & I'm too clumsy to stay on time... uh, timing...